Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-22-18

Episode Date: February 23, 2018

Bill rambles about the Patrice O'Neal Benefit, Women's Olympic Gold, and filthy tray number 11.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you little Tarzan, little Tarzan, very little Johnny Weiss Miller, I remember that guy that's back when being in shape was just not like being fat, Johnny Weiss Miller was an Olympic swimmer and even he was yanking his fucking whatever the hell he had his little fig leaf over his junk, he yanked it up past his navel. Nobody. I challenge you to find one person who was shirtless back then you could actually see the belly button. Now I don't know if that was because the navel was considered nudity back then or lewd or the devil's work, the porthole to, I don't

know, getting some push. I don't know. I have no idea. I don't pretend to know these things. Why didn't I take out my fucking Invisalign? Why didn't I take it? I forgot to take the fucking shit out. I am on tray number 11, 11, 11 of 13. Tray 11 of 13 is an interesting story about tray number 11. Okay, I brought it to New York. All right, because I went back to do the Patrice O'Neill, the sixth annual Patrice O'Neill benefit. And which by the way, I think that was probably the best one we had as far as everybody murdered just the perfect mix of people that knew him, people that were fans of him, black, white, male, female, few stories about Patrice, comics shitting on

each other. Voss took a fucking pounding. He hosted. I don't know what he was wearing. He had this Bing Crosby hat on, then he had like this flannel, like I'm going to go see Pearl Jam shirt on, but he buttoned it all the way up. You know, like they were going to, we were joking, like they were going to reboot that movie colors. And then he had like these red plastic shoes on that he swore were the shit. I don't know what it was just one of those deals where it's just like, Rich, you have to take one of those things off. If you're going to button up the flannel and have red shoes on, get rid of the hat. Or if you're going to keep the hack, get rid of the shoes, if you're going to wear the shoes

in the hat, put on a different fucking shirt. All right. But Rich Voss is not a smart man. Okay. He's driven. He's dedicated, but he's not always on the right track. And this was one of these evenings and we tried to tell him. He took a good pounding. Keith Robinson actually just showed up just to trash people. He went backstage and Jim Norton was just mining his own business, eating something and Keith slapped the food right out of his fucking hand onto the floor. You know, the usual maturity, but I want to thank everybody that came down in the crowd and all the comics, Sam Jay, who I'd never seen before fucking murdered, Pete Corrielli, Rich Voss, Cypher Sounds, DJ'd it. Thank you so much. Jim Norton,

David Tell is always all the teen idol sensation from the late great opening Anthony show, Robert Kelly, my old roommate from back in the day, Jessica Kersen, Greer Barnes and Maureen Tarran for putting the whole thing together. Thank you. And thank you to everybody who came out. It was just a fucking awesome show. Just an awesome show. All of them. They had me pacing. I had to go on after most of them there. And I was just, oh, no, no, no. What did I do? What did I just do? And you can't even fucking lean back in this goddamn place. Is it still recording? It is recording, but I can't hear myself. Oh, Jesus. Where's the headphone? There it is. Going to plug it in. See, now most people would fucking edit that out.

Most people are too afraid to look foolish on their own fucking podcast where it's just them and they play the producer and all of that bullshit, but not me. Not me. So I just, I had the perfect fucking time. You know, I did the West Side Comedy Club tuned up there the night before. Just so happened Jerry Seinfeld came down. So I've got to watch him do a set. Absolutely crushed. Such a great comedy club, right? It's on 75th in Broadway and between Broadway and Amsterdam. It's literally right next to the Beacon Theater and fucking love that place. Thank you to the stand for doing the after party and all that as they always do. I might be in New York next week and I'll be down the stand. I'll let you guys know. All right, plowing ahead. So it's a perfect night.

Everything's goes great. We all hang out down the stand afterwards. They're always so generous. They've always hosted the after party. They're giving everybody food and all this shit, just being the great guys that they are. And so the end of the night comes, I go home and I'm thinking, what an absolute perfect two days in New York. And I even remembered, because I was wearing tray number 10, I even remembered tray number 11, because Wednesday's is when I got to put the new one in. So the next day I wake up, I already booked myself a car service, which I always forget to fucking do. I break open the bag. I put tray number 11 in. It's always hurts the first couple of days. Right? Oh, I also did the Jim and Sam show. I had a great time on that.

Just making sure I thank everybody. So anyways, I put the fucking trays in and then I was like, well, you know, I'm dying a thirst here. The car is coming. So let me just have a nice light breakfast. So I go across the street, I buy a fucking orange and a big thing of water. So I take the Invisalign out of fucking eating the orange and all that shit, right? Because you can't eat with these things in unless you're an absolute fucking pig. Drink the water and all that shit. And then I just, you know, throw all the bullshit out, right? And all that type of stuff, throw it down the fucking chute, grab my bags. I'm ready to go. I still got 10 minutes to spare. And then I'm looking for the Invisalign. Where the fuck is it?

I'm like, Oh, no. Please tell me, I just didn't throw it down that fucking garbage chute with everybody else's garbage from the building. Please tell me I didn't fucking do that. Where the fuck is it? I threw it down the fucking chute. So I'm like, now what do I do? I can put the old tray back in so my teeth don't move or anything like that. And maybe I could go home and put tray number 12 and that's what the fuck I'll do. Fuck it. It's gone. I'm not going down and digging those fucking things out of the trash. I'm not fucking doing it. Right. And then I just sat there and I was like, you know what, my wife would she tell me to go down and go get it and fucking just fucking soak it in the listerine for a day. So I'm like, fuck, all right, I'll do it. I'm going to do it.

I fucking go downstairs. Right. Do you remember Pee Wee Herman when he ran out of the pet store with the snakes? That's what I was like. So I went down there and the super was there and we fucking fortunately no one threw any trash on top of it. And they were sitting right on top like I had a pizza box or something like that. One of them was in the pizza box. The other one was sitting right on top like a fucking prize, but still, right? So I just took them and threw them in my bag. And then I came home. I rinsed them off, scrubbed them with this brush I have. And then I just threw them in listerine for like overnight. And then said, all right, I'm going to pop these in the my mouth and hopefully I don't get something growing in my intestines. So that's it. Pretty

gross, huh? From a guy who always sits there talking about people that fucking walk barefoot into a public bathroom on a plane, I actually fished my Invisalign fucking trays out of the trash from my fucking building. And I'm so ashamed I had to admit it, but that's how dedicated I am. Oh, Jesus Christ. But it seems fine, man, you know, then, you know, I don't feel anything, nothing growing in my mouth, but wearing them for like a day or so, day or two, everything seems fine. I know it's embarrassing, but you know what? What was I going to do? I didn't want to fucking jump to the next goddamn tray. I wasn't going to wait for another one. I want this thing to be over. All right? This is how wars are won. You make

sacrifices. So there you go. Now everybody knows. Now the world knows how disgusting a fucking human being I am. Whatever, what dedicated. There's all different ways that you can look at it. So anyways, I flew back on JetBlue, which is the shit unless your TV isn't working and everybody else's is. That was my experience, but I still had the, I still had the, you know, the chair bed thing going on. And I just sat there sort of stretching my fucking arm because the right shoulder is actually, it's starting to come around. It's starting to come around. But I've been so goddamn busy. I missed all the Olympics. Oh, what's the matter? Is she upset? No, it's getting that time. It's getting to be that time of night. I had a busy day today,

but I've been so busy. Hang on one second. Hang on one second. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Honey, can you keep it down a little bit in there? What are we doing? What are we doing? Oh, that was a crisis. That was a crisis. So my wife is getting my, oh, Jesus, you're going to hear her crying. She just had a fucking little episode there. We got my daughter's ears pierced. I didn't want to fucking do it, but you know, whatever, I guess it's, this is a good time to do it because they don't remember. I don't know why she has to get her ears pierced at fucking one years of age. Like,

what is she reading the news? You know, is she presenting at an award show? Can we just get clip on once? What is the rush? So anyways, now Nia has to clean around, you know, where they pierced the ears, you know, so she just went to do that. She's giving Lola a bath and Lola doesn't like it. So she tried to duck out of the way and she put her face right in the water. And she did not enjoy it. So anyways, what was I going to say? Also, I missed all the Olympics, but I, you know what? I thought the gold medal game for the ladies was tonight in hockey. Evidently, it was last night and congratulations to the women of the United States of America for winning the, the Olympic hockey gold medals for the first time since I think like 1998 or some shit.

I don't know what. That's right. And when we couldn't have beat a better opponent and I'm not talking about the Russians. All right, we only compete with the Russians when it comes to blowing up the whole world. But when it really comes down to hockey, okay, it's all about beating Canada. And I actually called because I'm called up Vancouver today because I'm doing some gigs up there and I did the radio and they were all fucking up. They were all upset about it. That's why I love Canada. That's how much they care. They even care about women's hockey, you know, which I don't, not like I have anything against it, but you know, down here, it's all about the men. What are the men doing? We don't care what women are doing unless it's porn or they're playing

volleyball. And that's basically how it works in this country. I'm not saying that's right. Okay. But that, that is how it is. Okay. Women's tennis every once in a while does well. You know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why it is. Okay. It's just the way it is. It's all about that stuff. So we, I call these people up up there and Vancouver over there and they're all like, Oh, you bad call at the end of the game. Oh, I loved it. I was, I loved it. I was, that's it. We want the fucking meta next. We're taking the Canadian men's team is next. I know we already lost. We got bounced out by Czechoslovakia. I believe, I believe that's what happened. I bet the fucking men's gold medals tonight. I probably should be watching that shit. But this year kind

of sucked because they didn't let the fucking NHL players play. The NHL was like, we are going to make some money, not see Olympics. Once you will continue to skate for less. I actually, you know, something, I'm not even going to give the NHL shit for doing that because they actually did it for a couple of Olympics in a row. They would just shut down the league. You know what I mean? And just eat all that money. And I can tell you right now, there's no fucking way the NFL would have done that. If the, if football became a fucking Olympic sport, right, there's no way they'd be like, they've been only on the players. If they're going to get concussed, they are going to do it by the makers of money. Okay. I think we'll give you some scabs.

So anyways, congratulations to the USA women for winning the gold medal in hockey. And I'm going to sing them a song now. All right, congratulations to you. You beat the Canadian ladies. You kicked their fucking ass. Even though I missed the game, I don't want to hear about those bad fucking calls at the end of the game. Quit your wine and your fucking maple cunt. Our whores are better than yours. I didn't mean to say whore. I needed a word with one civil syllable. Go fuck yourselves. And congratulations to the ladies. Sorry. Congratulations to the fucking ladies of the United States of America. How was that? Was that better than Fergie? I actually didn't think that Fergie one was that

bad. I actually watched it on the Jim and Sam show and I thought it was going to be horrible. I didn't mind it. She kind of did a red, red, red, red round one fucking word. You know what I mean? So if you give me, then the Rockets red glare red, red, red, red, red. She did something like that. I didn't know what that part was about. But the rest of it I thought was fine. I thought it was totally fine. Anyway, speaking of me too, I just feel like for me too. When's that going to happen? I just feel like for me. You know, I wasn't fucking in a cab in Times Square and I'm looking out the windows I'm driving and there was this woman with a fat ass and thick thighs wearing black leather pants

as tight as possibly can be just walking up the street and I know the women she should be able to wear whatever the fuck she wants. It's just like, it's like, what are you doing in Times Square? Are you out of your fucking mind? Why don't you just hang raw meat around your neck and jump in shark infested waters? You know, it's some point. It's some point. You got to be looking out for yourself, right? You know, she looked fucking amazing, but she was by herself late at night. New York City Times Square. Is that what you want to be wearing? She's probably a cop. Maybe they got like a bunch of me too cops out there right now, you know, trying to get the me too guys. Is that our works? I don't fucking know. What do you want from me? Okay, I just sang a fucking

The Wrong National Anthem, congratulating the women and accidentally called them, you know, I call them whores, right? In jest. I'm sure somebody with hairy legs is going to get upset by that. And then that's that's how it works. Okay. I know there's a lot of fucking problems out there right now. And then people don't like being being, what do they call it? Hooting and hollering? Adam, what do they call it? They call it a woman walks down the street and every guy's like, ow, give me a number. What do they call it? Cat calling and all that shit, you know? I'm sure that's upsetting. All right. But you know, I would be lying if I didn't tell you, I was a little jealous. Okay, because when I walk by a construction site, all I hear is the sound

of men working. You don't think I'd like a standing ovation every once in a while? Hey, nice bald head there freckles. You know, every once in a while, get a little shout out, make you put a little pep in your step. I'm fucking with you. I don't have any advertising this week. Can you believe it? After all the bullshit I've said, you're slowly back and away. Slowly back and away. I should adjust my tone. Guess what? My fucking drum room is finally done. I built had this person build me a drum room in the fucking garage and turned out that was still just a little bit too loud. I learned a lot of things like 30 decibels is basically the sound of a silent room with like

a light on like the little buzz of a light bulb. All right. That's 30 decibels. Quee-fing is 35. I read on all of this. Okay. Like 50 to 55. It's like a light rain. You know, 70. I forget what the fuck that is. And then 90s when it starts getting annoying. So my room was built and I was still at 70 right outside the garage. You walked up the drive where you couldn't hear it too much, but I can't have that. All right. So I had somebody else come in and they added this extra shit to it. And then today it's just like it's the shit right outside the garage door is basically the sound of a light rain and you go up the drive where you can't even fucking hear it. So I have the dream fucking drum room. I can play at two in the morning.

And even when you stood outside the garage, all you can really hear is like the snare drum and it just sort of sounds like somebody has a stereo on a little bit low. It's fucking perfect. It's fucking perfect. So that's going to be what's going to keep me sane, I think, over the next few years as the orange guy in the hairless fat dude sit there pointing fucking missiles at each other. You know what I mean? Trump and what's his face there? A little mush face. I don't know. Why don't they just go fucking hang out already? You know, have one of those fucking online dates? You know what I mean? Just discuss like oppressing people. Just kind of compare notes, you know, and then maybe they could like combine what it is that

they both do. I'm out of my fucking mind people. I don't pay attention to anything. Somebody actually said to me, did you hear about so and so with like the Russians and all that shit? And I was like, I'm going to be perfectly honest to you. I did not. Oh, did they do a probe? And what's going to happen? Is he going to get impeached? And then what? Let me guess, it's going to go to the fucking the place where all the people in the suit sit and then they're going to need three quarters of a vote and nobody Republican will vote for it and then he'll still be in office. Isn't that what's going to happen? I seem to remember that's what happened that time that guy took the cigar. Oh, slick Willy. Oh, slick Willy.

Um, anyways, yeah, I don't pay attention to any of that shit. It's just not, uh, I don't find it interesting. Isn't that weird? The fact that I actually find sports interesting, which are real, but don't really matter. But the actual shit that's going on, like this guy could get in that level of trouble. I don't give a fuck. I hope when people keep sending me shit in about the, uh, about gun control or no gun control or a reasonable gun control, because I find all of that fascinating. I guess all the kids are going to get together and they're going to do some big protests. And I like how people who are into guns are going, these kids are coached, they're totally being coached, right? Um, that's the exact thing that

nobody needs. You know, I'm not saying that both sides aren't going to try to like fucking finesse their whole angle or whatever and that they won't be somebody coach, but you should probably listen to people. You don't want to know, I can become fascinated with the fucking AR 15, right? I mean, I might buy one before they get fucking banned just because it'll be worth money. You know what I mean? Like when people buy, like, you know, when they reissue the Jordans and people buy them, they don't wear them and they just stick them in the back of their closet. So just one day, they can just bust it out and everybody's like, Oh shit, right? Um, I want to know people who have AR 15s. I know there's people listening to this podcast. You

got one. Let me ask you this. What do you do with it? Okay, I know what I would do with it. Okay, I wouldn't take it down to some stupid fucking gun range and like, dude, like target practice. That's not what you get that gun for. You get that gun to reenact safely the end of this scarface. So if I had an AR 15, what I would do every year around Halloween, I'd wait a couple days after when everybody's pumpkins are getting all mushy and I would just knock on the door and be like, Hey, do you want me to take that off your hands? I'll take your old pumpkins, right? You know, put up a sign old pumpkins recycled here, right? And I get a whole fill up the whole back into my truck with a bunch of old pumpkins, right? And then I would fucking,

and I just take them out in some field, right? I got an AR 15, you know, I live in the middle of nowhere, right? I'd fucking take them out into a field. I put wigs on them and shit, maybe a little suit underneath, depending on how far I wanted to get with it, you know, and then just fucking light them up. Other than that, what the fuck do you have it for? That's like these assholes who get like a Ferrari and they just drive it up and down the sunset strip. It's like, fuckhead, put it on a truck, take it to a track, and drive it the way it's supposed to be driven. You know, I mean, that's what I would do. That's what the fuck I mean. You got it. Don't you want to do that? You can't tell me somebody anonymously

right in it. Just tell me the stupidest fucking thing you did with your AR 15, just having fun. You know, or if my neighbor pissed me off when they weren't around, I just fucking shoot into the side of his fucking above ground pool. Get some you motherfucker. Right. I would do silly shit if I had an AR 15. I wouldn't hurt anybody else. Destruction of property. You know, yeah, I would do that. But you know, women are allowed to get away with that, take their fucking ex-husband's shit and light it on fire or a fucking cheating boyfriend, throw it out in the fucking yard and you know, stab it all up. Cops come down laughing. They don't give a fuck. The woman goes back in the house. They don't care. They don't give a fuck.

Why can't a man go out every once in a while and just shoot somebody's above ground pool with an AR 15? Isn't there a, well, you got to make sure there's nobody in it, right? It's also a waste of water. It's irresponsible, but you know what I mean? You can't tell me if there was a YouTube video of it. You wouldn't want to see it, right? And then scroll down and look at all the comments like, oh, waste water much. And then it'd be a fucking liver, snowflake, ain't my fault you live out there in Hollywood in the desert. Couple more comments. Somebody drops the N word, you know, the basic conversation on YouTube, right? That's what I do anyways. Uh, so I don't have any fucking advertising. I don't have any fucking emails.

And I got six more minutes to go. Can he do it? Can he think of something that he can fucking talk about for the next six minutes? What about, what, what, what do I got to think about something? What about fucking you just sitting there listening? Huh? The next six minutes of your life is going to go by. You're never going to get back and you're going to sit there. You're going to sit there waiting for me to try to come up with something to say, aren't you? That's what you're at. Hey, non-gun, non-gun people, all right, the people want to get rid of all the guns. Do they want to get rid of all the guns? Can you do that? Isn't that kind of like get rid of all the straws? Like, how would you do that? It's

like they're out there. People come in like, yeah, these are all the straws I have. How would you know that? You know, straws are made out of plastic, everybody. Which means evidently, they never break down. So just think all the way, the first time you went to fucking McDonald's, you're like, my god, a chocolate shake. Just think of the fact that that cup is long gone because it was made out of paper. But that straw that you fucking drank out of with that little thing on top, it's still fucking there. It's somewhere. It's in the ground. It's out in the fucking ocean just swirling around. That's the type of shit I think about, you know, with all these minimalist people going, I'm a fucking minimalist. It's like, what do you do

with all your shit? You just throw it out. So now you don't have to look at it. It all went somewhere, right? That's why you got to have a fucking yad sale. Jesus Christ, just open yourself up. A bunch of fucking cheap cunts. Or maybe they're environmentalists. Some of the shit that they have out there, you know, this is somebody fucking fished his invisible line out of a goddamn communal trash bin earlier this week is literally going to sit here and judge people that go to yard sales and try to find gems. You know, it's really going away as those stores where you just have that fucking, like a hoarder and just has all this random shit in there, like a fucked up lamp and an

old cash register next to like a propeller for some fucking plane, you know, remember those kinds of story? I got an antiques. It's beyond antiques. It's like modern antiques. It's just plastic shit, you know, that nobody fucking wants. This would be a guy down the street from me. He dealt all in speakers and shit. Crazy fucking dude. Crazy, crazy motherfucker. I went in there one time and I had these iPod speakers that I wanted fixed and he started telling me that he had this revolutionary way that he was going to record music and he was trying to tell me he used Simon and Garfunkel as an example saying nobody really knows what they sound like even if they've heard the recordings because they weren't recorded correctly because Garfunkel is like a foot taller

than Paul Simon. So if you were standing in the room, Garfunkel's voice would be coming at you from, you know, eight to 12 inches higher than Paul Simon's voice and the way that that would reverberate around the fucking room would be what they actually sounded like. Whereas when they go to record them, it makes them sound like they're both the same height. I'm just sitting there, listening to this guy going, this guy's out of his fucking mind, but he also might be on to something. So he was trying to explain to me how the fuck he was going to record that. And I was just like, you know what, as much as this guy seems like he's out of his fucking mind, he's so into this shit, he's going to be able to fix these speakers.

And you know what? He took my speakers, you know, and set them behind the cash register, whatever, where I just saw a wall of speakers anywhere from fucking, I don't know, 10 years old to 40, 50 years old all behind him. It was like Sanford and Son's junkyard and it was all fucking speakers. And I'm sorry, I got that dumb sound effect. It's the only way I can hear if somebody fucking sends me a text that gumshoe. Anyway, so he takes my speakers and you know what he does, he never fucking fixed them. And I kept calling them up. He didn't even know where the fuck they were. And I never got them back. And he used to drive by his store for two years being like, that motherfucker's got my speakers. And he's going to find one of these kinds of yard sale

to give him like 25 bucks for it. One of these days when I got the time, I'm going to go in there and be like, Hey, man, never when you took my speakers and you didn't give me a piece of paper or any sort of proof that I actually gave you speakers. And you've talked to another three million people since I came in the place. Well, guess what? I'm back without any proof. And I'm telling you, you got my speakers in here somewhere and I want them back. I was so meaning to do that. And I never, I never got around to it. And one day I drove by and it was just, it just didn't exist anymore. So you know what that means, right? Unless this guy took all that shit, my fucking speakers right now are probably in the middle of the Pacific Ocean floating around and floating

around and they're swirling and swirling and eventually they're going to run into that straw that I had at McDonald's. And now you know the rest of the story. Sorry, did that take six minutes? 29 seconds to go. Jesus Christ. What a fucking bullshit. I got to get caught up in the Bruins. I guess we, we made some, we've made some moves at the trade deadline. We got some defensemen from, the fuck is it from the, the, the New York Rangers, I guess they're just packing it in. They said to hell with it. Does that mean they're going to get rid of Henrik Lundquist? You know, they can't do that. Imagine the overhead of that guy fucking shipping all those suits to some other town and where would he wear him? Can you imagine if Henrik Lundquist ever

got fucking, but he got traded to like Columbus, you know, with all his GQ, GQ clothes walking around fucking Columbus. They don't give a shit. They barely give a shit about hockey out there, right? They're all about the Iowa State Buckeyes. No, that's actually a good hockey town. I went out there one time for a Red Wings game, playoff game, and it was fucking great. Columbus and Nashville, crazy fans, great fans. However, not exactly the kind of place where you're going to wear Henrik Lundquist can wear some of his fancy suits. You know, that's a pretty confident move to buy suits like that as a professional athlete, you know, or you probably think, well, maybe I'll just wear him in the off season or fuck it, I'll play for Columbus, but I would live in New York

because God damn it, I'm going to wear these fucking suits or maybe you wear the suits in Columbus. You show people what the next level looks like. I don't know what I'm talking about. They're not even thinking about trading him, but all I know is we got a defenseman out of it, and we gave up a couple of draft picks or whatever. And I don't know, the Bruins are like, hey, they got the second most points. I barely watched the game this shit because I got a little kid and I'm editing the fucking series. I did four hours today with the great Laura Dern. She absolutely fucking murdered today. She does the voice of Sue Frank's wife and I'm telling the seasons coming together. I think I'm going to talk a little shit here.

I think this might be our best season. I think this is the season where we finally break out of the pack and we get invited to one of them fucking shows and they give us some shiny shit. Then we all go up in a big group hug, you know, and we enjoy it for eight seconds before they take it away from us. And they say, get back in that room and do it again. All right, that's the podcast. Sorry, I got a little fucking nuts there. Just trying to fill time. I said a lot of things. I meant very little, little of it. Okay, but it doesn't matter in this day and age. What your job is to do now is to take it seriously and start talking about how offended you were and ignore real problems and talk about this podcast

as if it sets swirl and trash. All right, that's the podcast here. Sorry, my brain's fucking fried. That's the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy this music and I'm doing a little trump thing with the index finger and the thumb and making little points here. And then we're going to play a little bit of throwback fucking Thursday podcast afternoon podcast from a Thursday from this year or years before I have no fucking idea. Oh, by the way, I almost forgot to say, are you going to bed, little cutie? Hi. Oh, are you adorable? Is it even legal to be that cute? Nia, do you know something as far as business goes? You haven't seen somebody make a business

move and you think, why didn't I think of that? Yes. All right, here's my latest one. Do you know Barstool Sports? Yes. Yeah, they're huge. They're huge. Do you know what they bought? There's some sort of like fighting. I think what it's even called. It's just like this regular person fight night. It started in, I believe, Virginia. Okay. And just regular people go up there just throwing haymakers, beating the ass out of each other. Sorry, my kid's here, beating the crap out of each other. And it's just, you know, haymakers, very little technique. And then they got haymaker is a drink. Haymaker is actually an expression that came from farming. And I think it was when you took the sickle and you just swung from behind you to chop it down.

I looked it up one time. So anyways, hey, why don't you take the microphone? I got this all. I got this all set up. I know, but I'm trying to keep an eye on this one. So she doesn't unplug. Let me just finish this real quick. So these regular people come in and the fights are crazy because these people are just swinging for the fences and eventually somebody connects with somebody. I'm not saying they're all bad, but it's just like this crazy. It's like, I don't know. It's like bar room brawls. Right. Right. Okay. So bar stool sports bought it. And then they put it on pay-per-view. It's like, if you, if you order it early, it's 10 bucks. Who isn't going to buy that? And how aren't you going to get your money back?

Are those people that coming in to fight, do they get paid? They get paid. I don't know what they get paid. I don't think there's want to be on TV. I have no idea. I don't know how it works. I don't care about them. It's all about me. 10 bucks near. Okay. I'm ordering that. I don't know when the next one is, but I am ordering that. And that's one of those things where that is going to turn into like, it's going to be like the regular person, UFC, and I guarantee you sometime that's, that's going to sell for tens of million, if not hundreds of millions of dollars, calling it right now. Well, all right. No, there's no regular, I remember Rogan said one time, if you're just driving down the street

and you see two people beating the crap out of each other, you'd slow down and look at it. Wouldn't you rather watch professionals who have trained and have techniques and have moves? No, I, I, I, I appreciate both. Yeah. Yeah. Because this is the thing. Even though they're not professionals, they're really fighting and people really get knocked out. And this is the thing. There's none of that. As far as I could tell, just the clips I watched, there's none of that ground and pound strategy. It's just people. It's like, because they're all just like, no, they're not. I would not want to get hit by any of the punches I saw thrown. Right. Is this like that, that, that shit that like Kimbo Slice used to do, like at the backyard,

like guys, all I saw was highlights. I was just, it was like Jerry Springer. If you edit it out, all the crap and you just had the fights. Yeah. Well, cool. All right. Maybe you're the wrong demographic. Yeah, I could finally was saying something positive on the goddamn podcast. I couldn't be less interested. And yeah, you don't want to give us smoke a joint. Just watch that. I'll have a little sippy cup. And just, I mean, I, if I'm going to watch UFC or boxing and stuff, I guess I could get into that. I don't know. They're just all right. Here's what we're going to do. The next one of those, we're going to rent, we're going to rent and then you're going to come back on the podcast and talk about it. Please. All right.

Nice. That's fair. You know what it is? Nice, nice baby. It feels exploitative to me. That's why I asked the people who are doing it are getting paid. I'm sure they're getting paid. They probably have some tough man parts in the end of it. Cause it's like there's, they're, they're selling it for like $10 each. These people, their whole thing is that they're like not professional. So it's not like they're going to go on to have a career and fighting. So what are they? Yeah, but here's the thing. Cause if they win, make sure she doesn't take that, make sure she doesn't take that. She's pulling it out. I don't think she can get it out. She turns around. Can you just, thank you. She pushed it all the way into the keyhole.

All right. I don't know. Well, I was excited. I was excited about, you just got to see it, Nia. It's, it's still people fighting. Yeah. The people in the UFC get, they get exploited. Do you think they're making the lion share the money? They're the ones taking the concussions and all that. There's been plenty of fighters that have been in the UFC that talk about the same thing. All right. They're getting paid something. Yeah. But you know, you get to be on TV and if you win, you know, you knock somebody out, you're on TV and it's pretty cool. Okay. Sure. Cool. It's, you know what it's like? It's like American Idol. None of, most of those people have no business singing on television, but, but they do

and they get to do that. Right. Okay. Is that all right? Yeah. But do they have a referee? Like, do they have somebody that's like, don't kill each other? You just really, you just, why are you coming at this like a mother? Who cares? We don't know these people. It's entertaining. Yes, there's a referee and there's two hilarious announcers. I have become really soft since having the baby. It's been a beautiful thing to say. I'm so soft now. I'm just like, Oh, that's not nice. Don't do that. Like, you know, she's doing a pushup. She's, uh, she's doing something. Are you ready? Look at those cheeks. You ready for bad cutie? Not at all. She's, she loves being in here. Yeah, she does. What are you talking about?

I love when she just cracks herself up. What are you thinking about? All right. This is, this kid's too cute. I got to get off here. I got to say good night to my girl here. Um, all right. Thanks for coming in. Let's see. Here's the deal. The next one that comes on, provided I'm not working, even if I'm working, I'm, I'm, I'm ordering it. Okay. We're going to record it. We're going to watch it. All right. And I want to hear what you had to think about it. All right. I'm, I'm 100% willing to do that. Okay. I won't because I'm going to, those guys, whoever those guys are that, that run that thing, that they are going to make an, an effing fortune off of that. I think it's going to, I think it's going to blow up. Okay.

I am as excited about this as you were excited about to see Black Panther and you're literally doing the exact opposite. All right. That's the podcast. Thank you for listening, everybody. And I will talk to you on Monday. What, what has happened to sports? Can we, a ESPN, can we, you know, 100% access, can you dial it back down to like maybe 40% access? Can you stop interviewing fucking coaches, Fox and whatever NBC as they're jogging off to field, trying to think of their halftime adjustments. Can we just stop fucking doing that? I don't give a fuck. NHL, can we stop interviewing players in between the fucking periods? Is this sitting there still out of breath from their last shift and that

fucking drop of fucking sweat hanging off their nose looking like snot that they have to keep wiping and then it comes back again. Can we just enough? I don't give a fuck. What happened in that first period? I just watched the first period. I know what happened. What do you think you have to do in the second period? Oh, maybe score more goals. If any NHL players listening to this, I'll give you a free podcast t-shirt even though you're going to get fined probably 100 grand by the league. Is there any way you could wipe your nose on the blouse of the person who's interviewing you in between periods? Just reach out and grab that tie. Just dab your eyes. You know, I got nothing to give you. You're a millionaire athlete, but could you just do it for the just for the

fucking ridiculousness of it? Like they're not going to interview you after the fucking game, like I have to have it. They got that fucking guy who stands down there and what looks like the penalty box in between the fucking benches. Whatever the fuck his name is, Prince Fielder. What the hell is his name? Prince Harry standing down there. Well, I'll tell you, it's really starting to heat up down here on your eyes. Like, why do I need to hear that guy? Paul Bass has got to stand up for three periods in his loafers. He's probably got hammer toes by the end of the year. Less access. Do you think you could do that? Do you think you could actually start a sports network that could compete with ESPN and the whole thing is less access?

You know, no mic'd up players. You just fucking, uh, just trim the fat. Can I just go back to watch your Bob Lobel at the end of the news and just seeing five minutes of the shit? Can I just see that as he sits there in a fucking blaze? You know, every once in a while it takes a day off and new me comes in. Bob, new Maya. I miss those days. I really miss those fucking days. I got it. So I got to talk about the douche on Southwest. So, um, I went to Albuquerque this weekend and I had a fucking unbelievable time. I have not been back there since, uh, all those wonderful episodes of, uh, Breaking Bad that I got to be on.

And, um, you know, I was going to go on a hike. That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to do that. But, uh, you know, Nia had some friends out there. We were going to go to lunch. You know, that is, it'll only take like an hour. That's three hours, you know. So I'm just like, I'm too fucking old to, um, I'm too old to fucking hike and have a social event in one day and then actually give any sort of a decent, decent, uh, performance. So I was like, all right, fuck it. I'm not going to go on the hike. I'll go over and we met, um, I met Nia's friends and they were, they were awesome fucking cooked up burgers, the middle of the day. You know, those homemade burgers that are way bigger than the ones that you get in the restaurant

and then you eat them and, uh, you don't feel 60 or some stomach afterwards. Fucking phenomenal. And, uh, the people's house we went over to, they had all these beers and that type of stuff and I stayed away. I was a good boy so I could have the show, but I know myself at this point. So I still, that I can't, I can't do all of those activities in one day. So I, I just decided like, uh, all right, I'll just do the social thing and I'll chill out, which was actually really cool because I've been to Albuquerque a bunch of times and I never got to ride around and, uh, see any of it and, uh, it's really, really fucking cool place, man. Really, really cool. So anyway, so that night I was at the, uh, the 66 casino,

meaning basically route 66. And, uh, one of the coolest looking casinos I've, I've seen, I'll try to have some images up for you. I, you know, you try to take pictures of those casino lights and it never comes out on your cell phone, at least the one that I have, the 4th. But it was really cool. Like the hotel had like that, you know, the route 66 sign, instead of the 66, it just said hotel. It was all lit up and then, you know, it's Native Americans own it. And then the, the, the arrows pointing in where to go were literally like arrows and they looked like they were stuck into the ground. They were all lit up. It was fucking badass. It was badass. And then I got to play in the, the name of the theater was the legends theater.

I played a place called the legends theater. I remember I was doing some press for it and they said, what can people expect when they come down to the legends theater? And it's like, well, they should expect to see a legend. They shouldn't expect to see me go fresh out of the fucking horse table. Where do I go? Is this the way to the great room? Is there going to be a lot of people? I'm scared. Fortunately, it all went, it went great and fucking great people out there, man. Once again, and this was another place that was supposed to be a stop on the Billy Red state tour. And I don't know for any comics who are listening to this, don't buy into that horseshit that these are flyover states. They're beautiful places to go and the people are ridiculously appreciative

that you showed up. They're psyched and they always say the same shit. Can you tell this person, tell this person? You know, they're always asking for Jim Norton and all these guys that I know from the OP and Anthony show telling them to come out there. You know, we like comedy too. So I passed the word on to them and a lot of them have started coming out, which is cool. I just hope that they don't become an all jaded like when you play like the bigger cities and just like whatever, whatever, man, you know, I got other things to do, man. It was great and they actually bought a bunch of DVDs, which is phenomenal because I got a bunch of them sitting in my garage. I feel like my garage is filled with fucking laser discs. You got to get those things out of there.

Anyways, so, oh, the douche on Southwest. Sorry, I'm all over the place today. So we're flying back quick flight back. I want 45 minutes fucking phenomenal. And, you know, the Southwest people, they always try to be funny, put a smile on your face. Most of the times they're not. And this guy was actually kind of funny. Then we go to land. We're landing in Los Angeles and this fucking asshole gets on the fucking mic and starts going, you know, he's like going, welcome to Los Angeles, which is a interesting place. Yes, very interesting. Kept doing this weird laugh. And I'm looking at me. First of all, it sounded creepy as fucking hell. I don't want to be homophobic, but the guy sounded gay. You know, the gay accent.

So I used to do a joke on this, like gay people come from all 50 states yet. They kind of all have the same accent, which isn't true. But generally speaking, there is a gay accent, which makes no sense. How did I joke? That's how that joke used to go. Like if you were gay from Alabama, you'd be like, Hey, buddy, I'd really like to suck your dick. Like that's the way you should sound to do a stereotypical redneck accent with my stereotypical gay accent. Right. But they don't. I grew up in Alabama. And let's just say I'm not going back there. It's probably more valid girl. You know what the fuck I'm saying? That's what the guys sounded like. So I'm just sitting there in the back going like, did, uh, you know, this guy

get blown in West Hollywood and somebody stole his wallet. Did he want to be the next Jim J buffins, whatever the fuck the guy's name is from too close for comfort? I don't know what his fucking deal was. But I'm just sitting there in my head going, yeah, the most fucked up thing about living in Los Angeles. I've never lived in a city where everybody trashes it. Everybody just shits on it. And it kills me about that. That's the, this is the only fucking city where you could do that. I guess you can kind of make like a gambling joke, but you can actually land in Los Angeles, not give a fuck that everybody there lives on the plane for the most part, lives there and then just shit on it. I can't fucking draw me nuts. Strive me fucking is

interesting place. It's just like, well, what the fuck are you doing? What makes you such a good person? What happened to you here? Huh? What sitcom did you test for? And you got too coked up the night before and you fucking blew it. Huh? What were you supposed to be unwilling grace there? Um, sorry. You know what it is? I'm defensive of LA at this point because I have to live out here because this is the fucking business. I don't have to, but you know, it makes life a lot fucking easier to be where everybody else is in this business. You know, if I was into fucking computers, I'd go move up to, uh, the fucking, uh, the valley up there, the silicone valley, which for the life of me, I don't know what, why do they call it silicone? Isn't that what's in

fake titties? Is it? I don't fuck.