Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-22-24

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

Bill rambles about back springs, the patriarchy, and Portland. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:36) - Thursday Throwback 2-22-16 - Bill rambles about winter, the NBA, and Hitler. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Phish - Bathtub Gin (7/25/17) Liquid Death:  Go to www.LiquidDeath.com/BURR to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. 

Hey, what's going on? I'm Wyatt, Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it on. Buh-duh-buh-woo. How's it going? How is it going? I always do. I really give a shit.

I'm actually asking this week. How's it going in your corporate fucking neck of the woods? Huh? How they treating you? You should be happy. You even have a job. When is it going to happen people? When are we going to look past the ties? Just peer right through them. You know when Homer Simpson just backs into the shrubs, just stick your fucking face through the ties and get to the corporate cunts on the other side. It's not a lot of them, it's a handful of them. That's all it is. A lot of them don't even know how to fight. Just fucking nerds. That's one thing I'm really sick of.

I am so fucking sick of Hollywood making nerds out to be these harmless people. Nerds! If you really look at the world, are the ones that are ruining everything. All right? Go back and watch Revenge of the Nerds next time. Next time you realize you should have been rooting for fucking ogre

alright Was fucking cunts with their glasses walking around not getting any pussy or whatever no one talks to him at the party What happens they get fucking angry then they start an app and then they try to put everyone out of business Because nobody loved them. I'm sorry. I'm coughing like fucking Keith Richards over here. It's unreal. I don't even fucking barely smoke anymore.

It's the leftover from all those years of doing it, maybe. I don't know what it is, but I've been doing good. Oh man, I fucking, you know, I was like, I'm not going to smoke again until fucking June. And this week, whoo, it was hard. It was fucking hard. I just kept going to the gym, trying to work up a sweat, like trying to sweat the fucking, the craving out of me. It's worked. I'm hanging in there, but every once in a while, every once in a while, well, my life gets a little hard.

I just wanna fucking go out to the back porch, but I haven't been doing it. I just can't, I can't smoke in front of my kids. I guess can't do it anymore. Can't do it. I said in Thanksgiving, I wasn't gonna do it, and I haven't done in front of my kids. I guess I can't do it anymore. Can't do it. I said in Thanksgiving, I wasn't gonna do it and I haven't done it since then. And I've had about fucking, I don't know,

seven or eight cigars since Thanksgiving. That's still too much, but that's fucking great for me because I would have had like 60. I would have had like one a fucking day. So anyway, yeah, I've been hitting the gym and doing all of that shit. I'm not fucking, I don't build, I'm Billy no gut now. I'm not going to fucking lie to you. I'm still peaty pooch. I still got a baby bump here, but, uh, doing all right. I'm fucking, you know, trying to put the muscle back on to burn off that fat down there. And, uh, it's been going good.

Been fucking stretching and all of that. I always wanted to be able to do like a backbend. back on to burn off that fat down there and it's been going good been fucking stretching and all of that I always want to be able to do like a backbend like I could never do that like I would come up like as high as like a fucking coffee table and just collapse there's something like I'd say 90% of people in a hundred percent of men well except for the gymnast, never stretch is a fucking back bend. I've never like until I decided I was going to try to, I don't think I've ever done one of those in my life.

My entire like fucking torso was just glued together. It was, you know, it was like, as if you left like, I don't know what, something like sitting in that back shelf of a four door sedan, you know, that little shelf in the back little windshield just sitting in the sun. That was my torso just baking, getting all fucking freckled. So I've been trying to do that.

I'm not actually all right. I can get about three quarters of the way up. I was with my kids today and they had this fucking insane birthday party that they went to. It was like a trampoline and shit, right? My dumb ass is getting on it. Then they have like a fucking zip line. So I'm like, all right, let me get on that thing. Okay. Nope. I thought he went from one side to the other. They had a mat underneath it. I didn't know it had like a stop. So I'm hanging on the whole way. Now I'm looking to the other. They had a mat underneath it. I didn't know it had like a stop. So I'm hanging on the whole way. Now I'm looking at the other side going, where the fuck do you put your feet? Right? They didn't even say anything. And I hit that stop

thing. I slammed into it and I held on to it with my fucking shoulders. And I went, oh my God, did I just fuck them up again? They're talking to me a little bit, but I think I'm all right. I think I'm on the other side of it. This would be basically classified as an incident by the late great Diana Linden who up get my rotator cuffs back where they needed to be. And then I finally had to just, when she passed away, I finally just had to do the Kobe shit Fucking do the platelets whatever. Well the fuck to these moths always get in here. It's unbelievable What the fuck do they get in here? And then they're just miserable and there's nothing for them to eat they fly around

You try to catch them to free them, but then that white shit comes off their wings. It's like literally nothing, it's like nothing you can do for them. So anyway, yeah, all the other parents were like, ooh, what I fucking slanted into that thing. I'm just like, why did I do that? Like I already, like, I already know a buddy of mine was telling me how he went to something and some dad tried to do some shit

and just fucking blew out his Achilles. That's the big thing as a guy. That's like the number one thing. If women blew out their Achilles as much as men do, there would be a lot of women on TV going, where are the men? Where are the men to support these women with their fucked up Achilles?

But we're guys, so nobody gives a shit, right? That's basically, that's something that I have really, I've really come to accept. It's just, if you're like the level that people just don't give a shit. That's a funny thing when I went and I saw that movie Barbie, it's just that they're fucking candy land idea of the patriarchy. I just love how it is like this, this view that like every guy is just fucking

dreams of cutting. Nobody's getting stepped on as a guy. Nobody's fucking getting underpaid. Nobody's having their ideas stolen or the credit I just walk in there. Look at me. I got a dick in balls. Hey, what do you want your office? Is that a nice enough view for you, mr. Burr? That old fucking stupid shit And meanwhile most of us are getting our ass kicked by it by whatever this fucking system is that's completely out of control and is not even remotely being

monitored by any politician. Occasionally a politician comes by that questions it and then immediately branded a socialist or communist and their fucking career goes down the tubes. Yeah, meanwhile, most of us are getting our ass kicked by this, whatever this fucking system is, and then you come home, you know, and the ass kicking continues. It's just kind of what it is. Where are the men? Brow beat? I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about here. Oh, I am in a mood, people. I am in a fucking mood. But anyway, I had a great day today. I had a, you wouldn't know it, but I did have a great day. Oh my God, I went to put this fucking car seat in, right? My daughter's not in a car seat anymore. She has like one of those little fucking booster seats

they're supposed to be in, right? So I'm like, all right, so we buy this fucking thing. And I'm looking at the instructions and it's showing you how to like hook it in so it won't slide out from underneath your kid. If you get, God forbid you get into an accident. So all they do is they have a picture of a knot that's already tied with an arrow. And I'm like, thanks.

So I didn't have my glances. So I got my kid's magnifying glass and I'm just looking at this fucking picture and I'm going, what in the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Right? So, you know, me, I'm, I should have just tapped out. I didn't, I'm out there. I got the fucking door open. I got the seat and I'm trying to figure this shit out

And I clip it on fine I'm like, oh my god, this is easy and then I'm trying to do like the nut but I just can't get the seat close enough To the to the where it's latched onto to tie a knot my hands are in the fucking way So I'm like well, I guess gotta pull it through and I start trying to pull it through I did get frustrated. And then the thing just bends and breaks. So I go inside and I'm like, the thing broke, right? So Nia's given me a fucking look and I'm like, all right.

Part of it is that it's a fucking piece of shit. And the other half is that I'm German-Irish. And she goes, yeah, that's what it is. So I laugh. So today I go down and I get a fucking, what do you call those things? Like the C clamp things? Not the things that you hold like a piece of wood

on like a vise thing. Like those things shape like a C and you can spin it one way and it unlocks. You spin it the other way and it locks. That's what I did. Cause the clamp that they had was plastic and it ended up bending. So I just put one of those in there.

I cut off the plastic thing and I just fucking tied the straps on it and it's even better than it was. So I think I'm all right. You know, I don't fucking know. What I do know is I know I just fucked myself if I ever lost a lawsuit. He clearly admitted. So anyway, that was kind of my day today. And I'm very happy that I survived that zipline thing

because I did not see that coming. And, you know, I'm all Billy grip strength. So when it happened, I held on, which was I should have let go because the mat was still there. I just don't know why the person running the zipline didn't say, hey, by the way, I should have let go because the mat was still there. Um, I just don't know why the person running the zip line didn't say, Hey, by the way, you w you want to let go. I kept seeing the kids letting go, but I thought it's cause they were weak.

How many times in the first 11 minutes have you guys been listening to this going, this guy's a fucking idiot. I have no argument. I would go with that. And I'll tell you what this fucking idiot's doing this weekend, he is going to Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, British Columbia, and then Salt Lake City, Utah with my shit as I get ready to record myself at some place.

I don't even know what the hell I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do it at some point this year. So I'm gradually putting it together. I had a great time last week. This is the second run of my tour in Portland's a fun city. You know, I kind of like it. You know, I like it during like basketball season and shit. The Portland Trail Blazers.

I like the Trail Blazers, you know, winning that championship during that really weird time in the NBA were half the people. I can't say half. A lot of the league was on fucking Coke and nobody knew how bad it was for you. And just imagine that, you gotta play 82 games. You're getting late in your career and you take this shit

and makes you feel like fucking Superman. It was crazy. And fucking Bill Walton's feet were all right. You had the headband. What was it? It was like 77 was the trailblazer, 78 was the Washington bullets. And 79 was the Seattle Supersonics,

80 was the Lakers, 81 was the Celtics, 82 was the Lakers, 83 was the 76ers, 84 was the Celtics, 85 was the Lakers, 86 was the Celtics, 82 was the Lakers, 83 was the 76ers, 84 was the Celtics, 85 was the Lakers, 86 was the Celtics, 87 was the Lakers, 88 was the Lakers. 89, 90 was Detroit, am I nuts? 91, 92, 93 is the Bulls, 94, 95 is Houston, 96, 97, 98 is the Bulls, 99 is the Spurs, 2000, 2001, 2002, I think is the Lakers and then 2003 was the Pistons, 2004 I want to say was the Heat and then I don't know what the fuck happened

after that. I have no idea. Anyway, that's not bad, right? Summer school kid. Why do I know that shit? It's fucking stupid. 76 was the Celtics, 75 was the Golden State Warriors, 74 was the Celtics, 73 was the Knicks, 72 was the Lakers, 71

was the Bucks,, was the Knicks. Why do I know that? I can't put a fucking child seat in, but I know that. I will tell you one thing that I'm doing is I'm trying to lay off my fucking phone. It's kind of funny after these first fucking few minutes of this podcast. Like I can feel myself getting dumber. And I thought it was just part of getting older and your brain slowing down. And I don't think that anymore because,

I love my wife to death and I'm sitting next to her, laying down next to her in the bed the other night. And my brain, part of my brain is going, get off your phone, get off your phone, get off your phone, get off and fucking half hour. I just sat there just scrolling on Instagram. Like, and I've been hearing these stories about teachers talking about how back in the day, you know, there'd be a couple kids that had ADD and now it's like half the fucking class.

And I'm thinking like, I already had that shit. Well, I didn't, I don't know that I had that, did I? I couldn't focus, but I wasn't bouncing off the fucking walls. I wasn't one of those kids, you know, sending that classroom down by the boiler room. I wasn't one of those kids, but I definitely was not listening. I can tell you that.

I was looking out the window and my fucking brain was going. By the way, did you guys ever read that book that Stephen Wright wrote? Harold? Two best books I read this year were both by comedians. Stephen Wright's and, oh this past year,

Stephen Wright and Reggie Watts. I gotta get back into that. Back in the reading those goddamn books because this fucking Instagram shit, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling is turning my brain into mush. So anyway, yes, I am going to these three beautiful cities. It looks like I'm not gonna have time. I was gonna try to hit up this there's a helicopter place up in Vancouver and I was thinking about

hitting them up because they fly the same thing that I fly, the Cabri G2. And I wanted to take one up and make it because the first time, last time I went up there, not last time, but the one and only time I went up there and I took a lesson, I flew one of them up there and I was flying it like a fucking porpoise. Like just the rotor turning the opposite way. I just was awful, it was embarrassing.

Now I wanted to go up there and fly like a goddamn champ. I was gonna fly today, but I don't know if you guys know this and I don't even know if the president knows this, but he was in town today. The last two days. I'll tell you what's amazing to look at on a fucking chart is a presidential TFR, temporary flight restriction.

Jesus Christ, they give that guy like 30 fucking mile radius. It just eats up the whole LA basin from like LAX out to the ocean, all the way out to like fucking El Monte, all the whole valley, all the way down south to like fucking Orange County. Then there's always like an Air Force Base too that has one, which I would think they'd have it all the time, but like I don't know what that is about,

but I always feel like they land Air Force One at a close Air Force Base and then they helicopter him. I don't know, out to Malibu so we can ask for money or whatever. I don't know, it was weird. He was like in town. It was like, what is he doing? It'd be funny if he came out here just to like watch a movie with some big director. You know?

That's what I'd do if I was president. Yeah, I can like, I can go to the Super Bowl for nothing, right? Yeah, it's fucking gas up the plane. I could do some diplomacy in Vegas. There's got to be something that every president did just because they were president, just because they could do it. This has got to be. I always thought like the biggest thing coming down from

being president that must have been the most difficult fucking thing was having to sit in traffic again. Do you realize when you're president for four to eight years, you do not sit in traffic, you do not wait in line? If you want fucking in and out, burger, then everybody's gotta get the fuck out of the way. The president's coming, he wants a burger. Get the fuck out of here. You up against the wall.

We're going to frisk you. Make sure you don't put any shit in his burger. Oh my God. I would be the biggest asshole ever if I was a, if I was president, I would just be going to games. Fucking, where else? All these restaurants you can't get a reservation at, just showing up. I mean, construction, right? Do the whole fucking, I would just be doing that. If I got elected president, I would just fucking be like,

you know what, I could do this job and not have any fun or I could just totally take advantage of this and just accept I'm going to be a one-term president. And then I was like, the president was at another March from Madness game tonight. Hey, got my fucking shirt off, tie around my head. Is Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na the nomination of my party. I'm outta here. I had a great time. I had a limousine. I had a fucking helicopter.

I had my own jumbo jet. Fucking flying to North Korea to talk to that guy. Just watching the song remains the same. guy, you know, just watching the song remains the same. People trying to brief you. Mr. President, this is important. Watch this, watch this. This is the part where John Bonham messes up and he looks at John Paul Jones. I used to know their music well enough that I knew what the problem was here, but I forget.

Do you guys remember? Can we get somebody? Is there somebody from that heavy metal parking lot documentary that we could get on the phone? Sir, you're meeting with the head of North Korea. We're trying. OK. All right.

Just can you give me the cliff notes? Moby Dick's coming up. Anyway, I think I should do my reads here for this weekend here or for this edition. Oh, look who it is. It's liquid death, everyone. You might be wondering, what exactly is liquid death? Well, it may look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but it's not. Liquid Death is actually a healthy beverage brand

that makes Mountain Spring water, low sugar soda and low sugar iced teas too. Okay, but why would a healthy beverage ever be called Liquid Death? Because Liquid Death will brutally murder your thirst and their infinitely recyclable cans are helping to bring death to single-use plastic bottles. This is why I invested in this company by the way. Full disclosure. Because even if they end up in the

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By the way, it also tastes way better than like water in a plastic bottle. If you don't believe me, just let's just talk alcohol. Okay, what do you like? You like beer, you like hard stuff? Do you want to drink it out of a glass bottle? You know, or do you want to drink it out of a plastic bottle?

What would you do if they actually gave you some bourbon in a plastic bottle? I'd say you'd smash it over the person's head, but it wouldn't break, right? Um, anyway, uh, go to liquiddeath.com slash burr to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. That's liquid death comm slash bur liquid death comm slash bur All right, so anyway, so here's my big challenge I'm fucking Three days on the road

I gotta lay off that hotel candy That's my thing when I go to bed And I'm sitting there going all right wired wired from the show what am I gonna do? I don't smoke anymore really a little bit but I'm not doing that shit. I'm not gonna drink a coffee I want to go to sleep. I don't booze I don't do fucking drugs. I'm just sitting here That's the fucking hardest thing ever to just be fucking you know, there's a lot of people out there that say there's straight edge this delete and cookies This is the ultimate alone with your thoughts and dealing with your demons the fuck is this frog in my throat maybe it's all coming out of me because I'm fucking cutting down I don't know what anyway the ultimate dude straight edge your like You're like late at night, stone fucking sober,

not even any sugar in you. No TV on, nothing. Just sitting there with the sound of the room. Could you do it? I don't know that I could do that. I have to do like something Can't be on your phone Yeah, there's a lot of people I'm straight-edge it's like no you're fucking addicted to salt and sugar and

You're fucking scrolling on your phone all the time. You're not straight-edge All right, you're out of your fucking mind You're sober when you're doing it, but you're out of your fucking mind. You're sober when you're doing it, but you're out of your fucking mind. I'm just talking about myself. Right? Why am I yelling at straight edge people? Because I'm mad at myself that I can't lay off

fucking chocolate, almond, fucking peanuts, and just scrolling, watching people fucking refurbish skillets. I don't know what it is about watching that shit. Or there's this guy that just goes around and knocks on people's doors that have like bad yards and walkways and they'll just knock on their doors and be like, hey, I'll do it for free.

And they're like, really? All right, cool. And just watching him unearth a fucking sidewalk or a path or a driveway. I watch people like fucking, I watch this guy like people bringing cars that were sitting in a garage or out behind somebody's house. He just details them.

Just makes them look brand new. I don't know how he does it. He has like soap and whatever In his scrub brush inside the car. I'm like, isn't that gonna just How do you dry it off? Like I don't even know what he does, but in the end it's just like this is unbelievable Look how good that looks that car is a fucking hunk of shit That sat in somebody's yard and you would never know it. And now somebody's gonna come down there and think that it was taken care of. It wasn't taken care of. It basically got like plastic surgery. That's not what the fuck that car looks like. But somehow

this guy does it. I mean it's amazing. That's the shit that I do. I look at that stuff and I eat chocolate covered almonds and I just think to myself what has become of my life? I'm just kidding, man. I'm not really, if I'm in a town like, you know, there's nothing to do that. That's what happens, but like, fortunately, uh, what is Portland? Portland's sort of the home of like the fucking food truck, right? And a bunch of insufferable liberal white people who think they're good people just because they have

a black friend or a gay friend or, you know, they respect pronouns. How funny is it if you did all of that and you just thought just cause you did that, that made you a good person. Well, that, that guy over there wants to be called, you know, her, she, she, her, right? And I do it. That's all you do. You're just basically agreeable

And continue to live your fucking life. I mean it's in a way it makes you not an asshole, but like I Don't know You start to wonder it's like who do you do that for are you actually doing that for the other person? Or you're doing it so you can fucking bring it up on your page. You guys had the most amazing experience down at the cheese doodle food truck, which if you're not following it, oh my God, you have to. I'm over these fucking food trucks, you know what I mean?

I'm over these fucking things. I think this is like a first world country. These people should have fucking restaurants. If these corporate cunts weren't taking up so much money, people are driving around in vans, giving you food. The only person who did that when I was a kid was the fucking ice cream man and like pedophiles.

And now like you can fucking buy anything right off a truck I saw this fucking guy he's driving around LA he's selling like those those donuts they make in New Orleans binye's whatever the fuck you call him I'm like how's he doing all of that in the truck don't you need a giant oven how the fuck do you make a donut in a truck Don't you need a giant oven? How the fuck do you make a donut in a truck? Blows my mind. Listen, I'm not shitting on these people trying to get their shit going.

I love those food trucks, but I mean, like to see them now that there's like, there's a traffic jam of them, it's kind of weird. I feel like young people will walk up to a food truck, but they won't go into like a restaurant. Am I nuts? Oh my god, that's like so last century. I'm waiting for some hipster to bring back a fucking chuck wagon

and like serve beans out of a refurbished skillet. And, and, you know, and then the hipsters with their prospector fucking mustaches eat the beans with a knife. You know, they sit around a campfire and they have like, you know, reissued original Levi jeans where they had that one of those little fucking, you know, those little, those little snap things that they have on them rivets, the old man plays, they actually had used to have one right in the crotch, right where your fucking taint was. But what would happen is these guys would be squatting around the fucking campfire and that thing would heat up and when they stood up they'd burn their ball bag.

I swear to God, would burn their ball bag. So they actually wrote Levi when he was still alive. It was like, hey, Levi, this is Ulysses. You know, me and Ebenezer were squatting around this fire after mass securing some Native Americans and our fucking, we almost burnt our balls off. Like how much, how can we go out and rape and pillage and continue West if we keep burning our balls

with your fucking jeans? And he was like, oh, I'm sorry about that. We'll just do extra stitching there. And now you know the rest of the story. All right. That wasn't all 100% accurate. All right. That is the podcast.

Can I just take time to thank all you guys? as you can hear, I've been off the road too long and I am losing my fucking mind. And I get me honest with you, I went out last weekend and did stand up out and palm debt springs or whatever the fuck I was. And I need you guys to come out to my shows as much as you need to go see a comedian to make you laugh. Like, I fucking need you to come out and laugh at the shit that I'm saying. So I am less aware of how fucking insane I'm going. That is all. That is all. All right, enjoy the music that the

incredibly talented Andrew Thamelis who put together that live bet MGM anything better podcast fucking crush that at Brad Garrett's incredible comedy club at the MGM grand there's nothing better than going into a comedy club that that a stand-up comedian helped design you, everyone that I've been in has always been fucking amazing. Joe Rogan's place, the mother ship, Brad Garrett's place, Dave Chappelle's opening a place.

I know that's gonna be fucking amazing. And then there was one in New York City that all these comics, and it was like, it was one in New York City that all these comics and it was like it was like the Sopranos house but it was a comedy club. What the fuck was it called? It was right down in the Meatpacking District. Comics I think it was called. C-O-M-I-X. Oh my it was like the fucking Taj Mahal. You know what I love about this is how you know a comedian designed a comedy club is you go from the green room to the stage and you don't have to go through the crowd.

I've noticed that it always gives you the option because you know back in the day if you have a good show you want to go out hey thanks a lot but if you got into it with some people and I got a little fucking ugly and that type of shit, you know, you got to walk through the crowd. You got to walk the gauntlet. I mean, I remember that was always like, it was always incidents, people throwing shit, spitting on you, swinging at you and shit. They give you that option. I remember comics, like you'd get off stage and if you went to the right, you'd go out and meet the crowd. And you know, if you felt they didn't like you and they'd seen enough of you, you could just go left, go right into the green room and wait to get fired.

I mean, it was fantastic. So anyway, all right, I'm talking too much here. I gotta hit the sack here. All right. Thank you guys for listening. Andrew Thelmuss is wonderful music and then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, and morning podcast. Also, Paul Anka has a podcast, a great Paul Anka. We used his music in Old Dad's. I did an episode at his show and I sang along with him, made a fool of myself and I've gotten to know him. He's one

of the greatest guys I've ever met in my life. He's just a salt of the earth guy just Check that out if you get a chance. I have I'm putting the link up today on my Instagram page. All right, that's it I'll have a great weekend your cunts and I'll talk to you on Monday Friends in the bathtub, making soup for the ambassadors And I'm in the hallway, singing to the troubadours And the kids are all lined up outside the game And the autombelle is ringing, but they'll just have to wait Where is the Joker? Have you seen him around with his three cold cap? And he wears like a crown

I've seen his striped stockings and heard his sad tale about the kids under the carpet and purple humpback wear Here come the ambassadors they show up one by one Bren is tasting all the soup to see if it is done And Wendy's on the wind for sale, waiting to be let in And we're all in the bathtub now, making bathtub gin

When the kings stole the hallway, they climbed up through the gates They didn't mean to be imp, but they just could wait. Here comes the joke with his silly gray hair. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Perry. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. From Monday, February 22nd, 2016, what's going on? How's it going? Happy Monday to Erich and every one of you. I was going to say to every one of you that I decided to throw in each, so that's why

the each sounded weird there. Just to let you know, it's another beautiful day out here in Los Angeles. Getting ready to go out to Fox Woods this weekend, right? Yeah, Friday I'll be in New York City and then say, in Sunday, I'm gonna be at Fox Woods and it's gonna be, hopefully, gonna be a good time. I'm gonna do a bunch of stand up this week so I'm not rusty. Oh, freckles can't be walking in there rusty.

And definitely looking forward to getting back there, although I heard it's fucking freezing. But whatever, you know, I can visit winter. I'm a big fucking Southern California softy now. Get there. My teeth chattering when it gets in the 40s. It's actually not true. And that shit too, where they go, your blood thins out, you know, your blood thins out, then you go back, you can't handle the cold. It's like, no, it's actually not true. And that's shit too, where they go, oh, your blood thins out, you know, your blood thins out. Then you go back, you can't handle the cold. It's like, no, that's not what happens. You have access to information in a beautiful life that you could be living still within the parameters

of this great country, you know? All you people back there shoveling that wet snow, I'm just letting you, you don't have to do it. You know, I took my dog out this morning, ba-do-ba-do-do, you know what I had on? I had on a windbreaker. Just walking down the street. I could sit on my back porch in the sun right now.

Okay. And burn another couple of cancer cars and freckles into the top of my head. Well, I had a little bit of cord flicks, you know, sitting out there like that douche in the old great nut commercials. There's always some guy, right? He come out. It was like he was a man's man, but a pretty boy, you know, like Tom Brady, except he couldn't

throw football. That guy, right? And he come out with the impossible, impossibly white robe. Brand new white robe. They even fucking bleached it, right? The whitest shit ever. And he, you know, he's got a little fucking bowl of grape nuts.

Always had some fruit in there. Because he had that kind of time. This guy was so successful. He had the time to cut up fruit into his fucking grape nuts. And he'd go out on his back porch and just chill I remember as a little boy as a little orange-headed fucking freckled pussy I remember watching that just going like that guys. Hey guys living a life look at him Look how white that robe is. He's got fruit in his fucking

Grape nuts this guy's crushing it Who's he fucking? Come on, I wanna see the rest of his life. Let me see his lady. And that was the genius of that commercial. They never showed his bra. I don't think they did. Maybe she came out afterwards.

You know, I don't think so. But that's the genius of it. It left you wanting more. And you started thinking about his life and you started thinking, you know what? You know, if I start eating grape nuts, maybe I'll have an impossibly white robe and I'll come out and I'll actually have pigment in my skin.

You know, nice full head of hair and I'll walk out of my deck barefoot. You know, looking like I got all the money in the world. I got all the answers, confidence, hell, and I even have time to cut up fruit in my cereal. I want that life. You know, here it is years later. To this day, you know, I'm still eating great nuts. Sure, I never got the pigment. Yeah, I lost the hair. You know,

had some structural damage to my house, you know, but I have time to cut up some fruit, man. structural damage to my house, you know, but I have time to cut up some fruit, man! It's my life! Sorry. Anyways, uh, yeah, so your blood doesn't thin out. It doesn't thin out. You just know what it's like to experience an 85-degree day in fucking February. And then you go back, you're just like, what the? You know what it's like? It's like, you ever see a rich person have to stand in line? It's the combination of frustration and confusion. It's more confusion than frustration.

It's more like, wait, I don't wait. I got money. Like, who here, who wants this? Who do I give this to so I can go around this? I don't want to be with these animals. These are the people that make my dreams come true. They show up at my factory. All right. They put the fucking, the nut and bolt in the widget that I bought off of somebody else. They came in the design they didn't have any money I made him sign a piece of paper. I owned the patent to their idea. I go around all this

Right rich guy thoughts And then that's just that confusion of like why am I I don't do this anymore? That's what West Coast people what we've lived on the East Coast them when they go back East, you know When we parrot troop into fucking winter, that's that's what they like. I don't do this anymore people who've lived on the east coast, then when they go back east, you know, when we parrot troop into fucking winter, that's, that's what they like. I don't do this anymore. These chap faced fucking animals back here. I'm not fucking doing this shoveling wet snow, stretching out your back, you know, all excited because you got a new snowblower, you know, that's your winner

that's for you I go around that man I don't do that shit I'm out my back porch the bathrobe eat some great nuts that's how I'm doing it. Do my fucking dog is laying on his bed right now okay it's like from the neck down it's on the bed and then like its head is hanging off of the bed onto the hardwood floor. I mean, it looks literally like it got hit by a tranquilizer. All right.

And you know what I did with the dog today? This is why she's so exhausted after at least 11 hours sleep last night. The fucking thing goes to bed at like seven at night. Telerious. Like whenever I'm watching the game and I'm just sitting there, she's like over in the corner, just curled up in a ball sound asleep. Okay. Which is why now for so I can't get her off this clock here. She keeps, I don't know how to keep her up, you know, because she keeps waking me up at like 530 quarter to six in the morning. It's driving me nuts.

So anyways, so now after 11 hours of sleeping, I took it around the block. That's it. She looks like she ran a marathon. I don't fucking know. I don't understand why they're so goddamn sleepy all the time. I've never, I mean, I've had dogs my whole life. I've never seen a dog sleep the way this fucking thing sleeps. Then it gets up at 5 30 in the morning like a goddamn drill sergeant. The only thing it's missing is, you know, remember in full metal jacket when the guy came walking in and he was beating the Billy Club against the empty trash can. That's basically what she does to me every morning, except it's way more adorable. I'll be like sound asleep. And then I'm woken up to a cold nose doing that fucking psycho way they sniff it.

Does that shit. It fucking her paintbrushed tongue. And I'm like, that's how I wake up every morning. I'm one of those people, once you wake me up, it's fucking over. All right? Just to let you know in case you're ever sleeping next to me. You know, Keep it quiet. All right, let's move on. As I mentioned on the Thursday afternoon podcast

just before Friday, that I was going to the Warriors game. Warriors! I was going to the Warriors Clippers game and I was taking the lovely Nia and because I wanted to go see Steph Curry in his prime. You know, you got to see him when they're young before they get the first major injury or before they just get old and remind you that you're going to die someday. You know, you don't need to see that. But doing that, you know, I saw Michael Jordan back when he had hair.

I see him early. All right? When he was still skinny and the pistons were beating the shit out of him. And he was dropping 60 on the Celtics. I saw him then. He was probably, I saw him when he was, they were probably, I think it was right before the Jordan threes came out. It was probably the second pair.

By the way, for the record, when the first Air Jordan's came out, I thought they were the ugliest fucking things I had ever seen in the red and black Bull's colors. I thought they were the ugliest fucking things I had ever seen. By the way, Celtics fans, how much more likable is Paul Gasol now that he's not on the Lakers? I don't know what it is. My hatred of the Lakers really just made me hate that guy way more than I needed to. Anyway, so we go down in the game

and I'm like ridiculous, excited. Like I'm seeing one of the great NBA teams of all time and I'm seeing arguably the greatest shooter. This early in his career, you can actually make that argument. This guy is the greatest shooter in NBA history. And in my lifetime, I've watched Andrew Tony, Larry legend, Reggie Miller, and I even throw Kobe Bryant in there.

I never saw a guy have two people hanging on him out by the three point line and just with his back to the fucking hoop and he still somehow gets it in. You know, God knows he's not looking for the open man trying to beat the double team. Why would you do that? Anyways, so I go there, I get on stub hub, right? I fucking pay through the nose, you know what I mean? Fuck it. Pay through the nose, I get a six row behind, not behind the bench, but almost behind the Warriors bench,

but whatever the fucking table where the announcers are and shit, I'm like somewhere in there. Six rows back. And one of the great things is when you go to an NBA game is like, if you're six rows deep, you can like literally hear them calling for the ball. You know, if, if, like if the coach is cursed, Steve Curve, he fucking cursed at the ref like, oh, what the fucking, he gets teed up. I know what he said. All right.

That's what I paid for. That's why I went on stub hub and I said, fuck it. Huh? You want a wheelbarrow full of cash? Here you go. I'm not fucking sitting all the way. The staple center is the fucking worst. You gotta sit down low or else it's like they got this brownstone of corporate boxes, three

decors, three fucking levels of them all the way around. It's like a moat between the fucking halves and the have-nots. And then all the real fans, they're up by the fucking air conditioned ducks. So it's like, that's what's the option. I see the way the fuck up there, pay through the nose. So I said, fuck it, I'm going to pay through the nose. Right. So, and I'm going to get there. I'm going to hear him talk and I'm going to watch the one of the great shooters of all fucking time. And I get there, dude. And I know during all of this, I'm going to sound like a grumpy old man but what the f*** happened to to go into an NBA game. Dude they didn't, there wasn't one moment of silence.

The entire f***ing game, they even played music when the f***ing games going on. I didn't hear one sneaker squeak. I heard a couple of yo, yo, calling for the ball that was it. I heard nothing Sneakers squeak. I heard a couple of, yo, yo, calling for the ball. That was it. I heard nothing. Cause the entire fucking time the game's going on, some fucking douche is playing. Everybody clap your hands.

Chit, chit, chit, chit, the hole. They played that fucking 50 fucking times. First of all, I walk into the fucking building, right? And I'm all excited. Where's my seats? I pay through the nose. Here we go, right? It's like when you go on vacation

and use all your fucking miles. We're sitting up in the front of the plane. Woo! You can't fucking wait to get on a plane. Where's my big comfy fucking seat that I fucking paid for, right? That's the level of excitement I had. And I go in there. And I'm coming down to the seats. And first of of all there's some DJ guy There's always a fucking DJ you can't even buy a pair of fucking pants now You walk into a store. There's a fucking some sad-looking DJ there. Just sitting there. You know with his bad posture You know some hack DJ just fucking play in music. I love to with like curse words in it, too Like you're in like a place of business You know

Cuz I'm fucking you tonight they're playing like biggie and shit right so um anyways this is fucking DJ and he's doing every five seconds make some noise people at section 300 and you can hear me make some noise and everybody's like the game hasn't even started but the fuck are we cheering huh are you getting us hype for the game you fucking dope we're about ready to see the Clippers and the Warriors. The Warriors got five losses. This is like watching the 96 Bulls, the tear that they're on. I don't need you and your Richie Cunningham varsity fucking Clippers jacket out there screaming and fucking yelling. Oh, it gets worse. I might blow a fucking, might have an aneurysm on this one. So I'm walking down going, oh my God, how long

is this guy going to be yelling at us? And meanwhile, meanwhile, by the way, meanwhile, you know, the clippers are out shooting around and the warriors are about ready to take the court. I'm going to get to watch Steph Curry fucking hit like 18 three pointers in a row. You know, that's what I want to see. That's what I want to hear. Okay, I don't need make some noise. I don't need that shit, right? But it's a new day. It's a new generation. It's their time. I'm just a grumpy old man, right?

So I get down to my seat that I paid through the fucking nose for, right on the fucking aisle and what looks to be, it looks like Steph Curry's mouth guard that he's constantly fucking chewing on, right? And it's like this bracelet. And I didn't know what it was. It looked like Steph Curry's mouth guard that he's constantly fucking chewing on, right? And it's like this bracelet. And I didn't know what it was. It looked like a fucking, it looked like one of those things they stick in the bottom of a men's urinal, right? A urinal cake.

Except he could stick your fucking, you could put it on your wrist. So it's taped to the back of my seat. So I immediately just flip the fucking thing over the other side of my seat okay immediately I'm not participating all right total contrarian cuntie fucking stand-up loner comic I'm not being part of the group immediately right and I'll take that I'll take 40% of the blame on the rest of this fucking wine and shit all right but the other 60% I'm fucking right. So I fucking flipped that thing over and the fucking DJ guy with the Richie Cunningham Varsity Clippers jacket

is down there and he's like, everybody hold up your fucking year old cakes. And when you hold it up, don't forget to make some noise. Everybody clap your hands. T- this is all going on, right? Insanity. Oh, and by the way, there's a bunch of fucking, you know, like I swear to God, who's that fucking guy who does the,

he sells the nice comfortable t-shirts, but for some reason he shoots like 12 year old girls in like sexual positions. The fuck is the name of that company? It's not Amber Combre and Fitch. They were into like fucking, wasn't it like white supremacist Kennedy children? I can't, I, you know, they, they're all bled together. It begins with an A. That's all I know. So they got these fucking like preteens it looks like, coming down, you know, dressed like prostitutes and fucking like a B Hollywood movie, right?

You know, like the ones in Pretty Woman. You know, the only exciting part of that was when he was looking for a hooker and then he runs into that fucking, you know, Mola show and fucking champ there, right? I always hated when he fucking closed it shut. She goes, oh, fucking laugh at all those fucking teeth. Jesus Christ. Ah, I swear to God, that clip right there is why I never dropped acid. Because if I ever ran into a woman like that and she did that, I swear to God, I don't know what would happen.

My fucking head would explode. So anyways, Jesus, I haven't even got to the start of the fucking game that so much just fucking bug me. So they're doing dance routines, all the shit. So in the meantime, the fucking warriors take the court and everybody booze him and everything. And I'm just literally going like, Oh my God, there he is. There he is. Here he goes. And he starts hitting fucking threes. And the second he does, every fucking jerk off in the fucking building, right? Who wasn't making some noise came running down the fucking aisle. Everybody with their cell phone cameras out, taking fucking video standing up in front of me.

Here I am paying through the nose for my seats. I have them in the sixth row. I got to stand up to watch a shoot around. What are you filming it for? What the fuck are you filming? Can't you just fucking just sit there and watch it? I saw Larry Bird do a shoot around in 1986. I still remember. I got the video right in my fucking head. These fucking dopes. All these fucking YOLO douches come down right with their fucking phones.

So I'm just going, oh god, here we go. You know, Bill, you know, you're the old guy now. This is, this is how the youngsters do it. This is how they fucking do it, right? So mercifully, people finally end up sitting down. It's the end of the goddamn shoot around and we're getting ready to start the game, right? And I'm thinking like, okay, finally, this fucking, this, this, this seizure of shit, of tumblers and hoochies and fucking screaming and yelling and making noise and

in bracelets, fucking blinking is going to end. And I can watch the fucking game, right? There's no way this horseshit goes on. During the game, there's no fucking way. And evidently, it's okay that they play music through the whole fucking thing. I'm watching Steph Curry bringing the ball up and I'm listening to Drake. You used to call me or myself fall you, you, you, you, you, you, everybody clap your hands. Make some noise. Right? Fucking can barely hear the speakers squeaking. Dude, the NBA used to be the greatest fucking game. If you sat down low to see the game live, there's no, it's not like hockey,

where you're behind the fucking glass. You know, it's almost like it's soundproof. And even that's still amazing to be down that close, but still there's like this barrier. You fucking sit right down on the court, and they're right there. The fucking ball could bounce into your lap It was insane and and you know look like I said I'll take 40% of this that this is just me being a grumpy old man Okay

You got to keep the game has to keep evolving These kids are growing up with DJs People are asking them to make noise and they like to make noise. This is what their fucking generation does fine Fine, but can can you just dial it back a little bit? Every time there was a timeout all of a sudden there was all these fucking People running out and by the way the kids out there they have a kid dance team. Can you have them do a fucking kid dance? You know what I mean? Jesus fucking Christ

Half those fucking moves I've seen in a titty bar and I'm a fucking looking at an eight-year-old it Everybody clapped your head. It was the whole fucking thing was insane and So Anyways, and what was one of the funny things was I'm sitting there with Nia, right? And you know, she's a great person. She's not a grumpy person. So she's just enjoying all of it. She's taken it and she's enjoying the game, you know, and when all of a sudden they started

like, I swear to God, in like little parachutes, they dropped down gift certificates to something that evidently we couldn't afford. I don't know what it was. I can't even what the fuck it was. Everybody's jumping up, like leaping up, trying to catch these things. Like it's, you know, the end of the Vietnam War. And this is a ticket to get on the last chopper out of there, right? Oh, and the fucking t-shirts, all of this shit. I hate when they sit there and they got one t-shirt left.

And they start looking at the section, whatever section can make the most noise and just watching people like a fucking dog begging for a treat for a free fucking clipper, a clippers T shirt. This isn't even a Lakers T shirt. This is a clippers T shirt. Just watching all of those people taking all of their self esteesteem, all of any shred of integrity and jumping up and down over a fucking eight year old to get a free t-shirt. I don't know. So anyways, so Nia points out, there's some guy sitting in the front row that she follows

on Snapchat. I believe it's called, I keep calling it Instagram Snapchat. And he says, dude, it just goes, yo, they don't want you to fucking blah, blah, blah, blah. He's always doing whatever they say you can't do. And she goes, look at him. He's down there. He's right there. Oh, look, he's making a Snapchat video.

She's watching the guy make the Snapchat video. Then she takes out her cell phone and two seconds later she watches the thing and I'm watching the guy down there and doing a Snapchat. I just watched the guy film it. Now I'm watching on her phone. And by the way, in the meantime, Steph Curry is going up and down the flat. Everybody clap your hands, right? I got ADD. I don't need all of that shit. So anyways, as if that isn't bad enough, as if I haven't been going on and on, you know, needing an entire fucking box of tampons

at this point, how much I'm bitching. At least I can, even though I can't hear it, even though there's going to be somebody standing up in front of me, even though they're shooting t-shirts at me, telling me to make some noise and clap my fucking hands, like I don't know where I'm at. Okay? hands like I don't know where I'm at. Okay. Helen Keller should get like this level of fucking direction. If she go, she's dead. Whatever.

Anyways, Steph Curry, Steph Curry goes out there. Immediately gets a file. I'll give it to you. It was a file. All right. Three minutes later, they call some tic-tac horseshit on the guy.

He's got two fouls in the first quarter. Now they sit him down. And old fucking Freddy Stubbup is sitting there going, dude, what the fuck? This is the guy I paid to see. Everybody, yo, yo, still, yo, yo, still, make some noise. And after, I am fucking beside myself.

Fucking beside myself going, this is why I fucking hate that this is why these games get fixed. This is why the NBA is fucking fixed because this is the only sport of the four major sports that the goddamn fucking referee can take the best guy out of the game. Just give him two quick ones in the first quarter. Can you imagine if you went to go to a football game, right?

Oh, Freddie Stubbhub. I'm going to see fucking, I'm going to see Tom Brady versus Peyton Manning last time. We're going to that fucking Broncos fucking Patriots playoff game and whatever. Tom Brady gets two quick ones for intentional grounding or some shit. And next thing you know, he's standing on the sideline and the fucking backup quarterbacks in there. You're just standing there like, dude, are you fucking serious? The guy spent like the whole first half on the fucking bench.

It was brutal. And the refs were calling fucking everything, teeing everybody up. And I actually, the only cool part about sitting down low that I saw was at one point, is it Steve Kerr? Is that his first name? He fucking looks over at Doc Rivers and they, he gives Doc Rivers. I like, dude, you fucking believe this shit? And Doc looks back at him like, yeah, what the fuck? Like sharing this moment, just as coaches, like what the fuck are these refs doing?, I don't know what happened at halftime. If somebody called them up and said, hey man, this is like one of the best games

of the weekend, you're fucking this up. All right? Put your goddamn whistle away. In the second half, they let him play and it was beautiful. It was a fucking amazing game. Despite the fact all of that shit was going on. I know, I know.

I went on and on. I probably went on too long. I understand, but like, you know, it's such a great game. And you know, I kept thinking about me always watches all like those fucking, you know, reality shows and stylish shows and all that shit. And you know when they trash people for what they're wearing, if somebody comes out and they be like, oh honey, too many accessories, you need to take a couple of things off and just go out like, ah, you know,

they have like too many fucking bracelets and then they'll fucking, I don't know, a hat and a scarf, just too many accessories and they go, you just take a couple of things off before you go out into the world, you know? Be more Parisian, don't be Tampa, Florida. Okay, I don't know why I said Tampa. I just want to think of no class,

I just think of Northern Florida. Yeah, I just said that. You offended? Well, why don't you look out your fucking window, pass the crocodile over to your truck with the steel balls hanging off the back of it. I'm fucking with you, Florida. Come on, man, you can't be all bad.

If Walt Disney decided to put his world there, that's what I feel like at those basketball games. They just dial it back a little bit. Could the booty dancers be maybe, you know, could they at least be in junior high? Could that happen? That could be nice, you know? Could you play everybody, claps their hands maybe just 18 fucking times

during the game? You know, if somebody pays through the fucking nose to get sixth fucking row, could I at least hear the sneakers squeaking? They don't give a shit. They don't give a shit. You know what they should have done at the end of the game? You know, like, you know, when you go to the joke shop and you just open the thing up and all the snakes would come flying out.

That's what they should have done to the whole crowd. Just give them a fucking facial fucking t-shirts and you know, I got to be honest with you, even for me, that was extra cunt. But once again, dude, I always stay to the end of the game. I don't know why people leave and the Warriors were up by like fucking 12, 15 points or something. I think it was no wait, they would see it. They were up by 11. They were like 15 points and they cut it to 11 and people are leaving because there's

only like a minute and a half left. Everybody's like, well, fuck this. Gotta beat the traffic, which is understandable in LA. And everybody starts leaving. And I'm psyched because it's getting quiet. And I can finally hear these guys out on the court. And so the Clippers bring the ball up. And they've taken all the stars around the game at this point.

They just got the bench in for both teams. What the fuck? Even they're saying this game's over. Clippers bring it up, they hit a three, right? So now it's like a fucking eight point game. Warriors, whatever, they inbound the ball. Clippers steal it. Run to the three point line, I'll fucking Reggie Miller.

Boom, hit another three. Now it's a five point game. Now the people left, they're like, oh shit, the fuck. The Warriors like, okay, settle down get a pass half Court they get a pass half court fucking Clippers steal it again go to the three-point line boom hit another one. It's a two-point game The people who are left are going fucking crazy. This is what I wanted Now all of a sudden they're fucking putting all the A-listers are coming back in to save the fucking day.

Chris Paul's back out there fucking Steph Curry the whole fucking thing. The Warriors bring the ball back up again. They somehow lose the ball. Three, two, the clipper guy's bringing it down. He jumps up in the air looking for somebody to pass it to and then sees like oh fuck There's not enough time yet and then launches an attempt that it looked like they brought me out on the fucking court And it fell like yeah way short. It was just the wrong guy with the ball at the end of the fight I don't know who the fuck it was, but uh even here looked at me. She just goes like what what was that? I don't fucking know. I don't know. And then that was the end of the game. And then they were like, thanks for coming out.

Make some noise. But anyways, at the end of the day, I feel like I saw Steph Curry. I got to give it up to the Warriors though, man. Like just watching them, the way they move with the ball around and all of that. And even with, you know, their star on the bench, man, there was a Thompson. I don't, I don't know shit about who, but you can tell Thompson, that guy was fucking killing him. And then they got this other dude. They had like backup

center or something. This guy is a fucking house. He looks like a defensive lineman. If you know, you put six inches on him and he had one dunk during the game I can't believe he didn't fucking yank the whole rim down. It was fucking hilarious He got ahead of steam and everybody just got the fuck out of the way And if only they weren't playing Drake during the time when it happened man I could actually could have heard that fucking earth shatter and dunk It was literally 30 feet away. I could actually could have heard that fucking earth shatter and dunk. It was literally 30 feet away.

I couldn't even hear it. All right, I'm done. OK, I just had to vent. I'm sorry, guys. I just had a rough time. All right, let me fucking. I've been talking so much. I've gone into screensaver.

I can never remember the fucking password. You know what it is? I can't talk and do this at the same time. Stupid fucking capital letters. Come on, one time, one time, then the 52 fucking numbers that come at the end. And of course it's wrong. Why would it be right? Do I literally have to hit pause? Hang on. Hang in there with me. Oh, and he gets it. Alright, let's get to some of the advertising here for this week. Dude, that was literally like a 30 minute fucking bitch fest.

I literally should pay for brunch right now. Thanks for listening, guys. I feel so much better. Ah, thank God that's over. Thank God it's over. I don't like better. Oh, thank God that's over Thank God it's over. I don't like it. I don't like reading out loud. I'll admit it All right, let's continue on here with the fucking bitch fest that is that this podcast has become this week By the way fucking Boston Bruins, you know had a boring game against the Predators lost two to nothing and then we We went down three to one

Against the great Dallas Stars team one of my favorite fucking teams to watch that's a team I'm rooting for out in the West even though I still love the Blackhawks and the Kings And I know what you think in hockey fans. How the fucking you like the Blackhawks and the Kings their rivals It's because I'm in the Eastern Conference. I don't give a shit, I don't give a shit that you guys hate each other or respect both your franchises. All right? Excuse me for liking what you're doing in both teams. But I like the Dallas Stars because, I don't know,

I just, you know, they're the upstarts. It's always been Kings and Blackhawks. So you got to go for the underdog, right? And, uh, I don't know. I just like watching a play. So anyways, why don't I feel so defensive right now? I just enjoy watching a place. So they go up three to one and my God, this sucks.

I'm going to swatch my team, get their ass kicked. But at least I get to watch, uh, I get, I get to watch this. But, uh, that was it. And I bet all you fucking cowboy fans watching, uh, hockey to I get to watch this does but uh that was it and I bet all you fucking Cowboy fans watching uh hockey I can get into this man they're up 30 to 1 that's four goals in one fucking period it's a call of period right yeah I'm enjoying this man I'm really enjoying this and then that was it they got the oh right there Fred right there Fred from fucking the Bruins little cold lotion for you fucking cowboys Bruins went on and scored six unanswered goals

Brad Marchand Marchand however the fuck you're supposed to pronounce it. They switched it halfway through Scored goal number 29 and 30. I thought he had 29 goals the other day, but he's got he scored 29 and 30 He's never scored 30 goals That's good man. We haven't had like a big goal scorer in a long fucking time but he scored 29 and 30, so he's never scored 30 goals. We haven't had a big goal scorer in a long fucking time. I'm hoping he scores 50. Obviously, I don't think he's going to make it to there, but he could get 40. I'm trying to think the last time,

who was the last Bruin to score 40 goals? Says I've been getting the... I'm going to look that up right now My my only guess that I could make would be Cam Neely because there was like a five-year period I barely watched a Bruins game because I was just I barely watched any sports Because I was sleeping on a futon and I was Rapidly approaching my mid-30s and I had to get some shit going in my career here. All right last Bruin to score 40 goals.

It, you know, something, it just came up before I even typed it out. Is this fucking thing listening to me now? It seems to so creepy. All right. Who's the last the last Bruins to score 40 goals in a season? I'm gonna say Kay and Neely. That's the last one I remember. When was the last time the Bruins won the cup? 2011. We know that. Who scored the most on goals? Why are the Bruins named the Bruins? The named after a bear?

Oh, fuck you! They don't even... Sorry about the audio there. They don't even have the fucking... Jerome McGillna, the next 40, no. List of players with 50 goals, Boston Bruins. Yeah, it's not even here. Alright, some fucking NHL nerd. If you could fucking answer that one for me.

Joe Thornton? I don't fucking know. that one for me. Joe Thornton? I don't fucking know. Anyways, all right. Let's get on with the questions here. Oh, by the way, fucking Donald Trump. It's this guy's crushing it. He just said that he feels it's gonna be him and Hillary Clinton.

Bernie Sanders doesn't have a chance and Hillary will make it unless she gets indicted. Dude, that guy is so fucking brilliant. He just told everybody that this is what's gonna happen. And the amount of dopes after watching people diving over each other for free t-shirts, they're just gonna listen to him and then that's what's gonna happen. And then he fucking throws a little fucking, you know, a little fucking, whatever, pipe to the knee of Hillary unless she gets indicted, which gets that shit storm going again. Well, Hillary, quit getting indicted.

I have to tell you, if those are going to be our two choices, this has to be a low point in this country. You know what I mean? When we have the star of a reality show on one side and then the filthy fucking Clintons. Oh my God, and it's not even Bill Clinton, you know what I mean? It's just fucking unbelievable. It's like you're literally, like I said, why would you hire the plumber's wife to come over and fix your sink? I don't understand politics. I don't get how you can just start at such a high fucking level

with no goddamn experience. Like, how you can just start at such a high fucking level with no goddamn experience. Like how do you just start as a senator? You know? Or that fucking the mayor in New York there, Bloomberg. I got a billion dollars. Yeah, I want to run this city now. Get those cars out of there. I'm going to put some chairs down. It's like, who the fuck is this guy? How come you don't have to start in the mail room? You know, you don't have to start off as like an open mic or like a comedian. Well, I was married to a president and I'd like to be senator. Ah! Shut up.

Oh, God, listen to that fucking voice. Listen to that voice that looks at that... Donald Trump with that fucking wigwam. Be a manager, shave your head. You know? Alright, two reads for this week. Oh, no, I already got past this. Let's get into the, uh, let's get into the questions here for this week. Let's try to fucking calm me down. Um,

you know what's funny is to listen to this podcast, you wouldn't realize what a fucking great mood I'm in. Uh, I'm actually, uh, in a, I'm in a great mood. This is what I sound like when I'm in a great mood, believe it or not. And I still had a great time at the fucking game All right, just so you know that okay all right all things comedy announcement All right, this is not happening returns to Comedy Central Tuesday night Friday February 23rd at 12 30 after midnight this season features long-form storytelling from all things comics. Al Madrigal, Christina Przenski, and Steve Simone and Felipe Esparza. So check that out on February 23rd. Oh, that's tomorrow night, unless you're

listening to this in the future, then you missed it. This is not happening, all right? All right, now this is happening. it. This is not happening. All right? All right, now this is happening. I'm reading a question here. All right, this guy, this guy had a bunch of shit, so I edited the whole thing. Here's this question. He says, I'm 35 years old and still living with my father.

Pathetic, I know. Believe me, it's not by choice. I'm finally recovering from Lyme's disease, which sucked away 10 years of my life. And I will have my student loans paid off in a couple of months, which also sucked away 10 years of my life. Jesus Christ, dude. Coming with the misery here.

In a couple of months, my father is selling the house that we currently live in, and moving into a cheaper fixer-upper so he can be mortgage-free. I love that. It's a great idea, provided you know how to fix it up. Speaking of which, I got all the last two interior door locks are going to work. I got a skeleton key for all of them.

I'm so ridiculously excited and for the life of me, I can't find anyone else who gives a shit. I've had people over the house and I go, look at this. Isn't this great? And they're like, yeah, why would you want to walk doors in your house? You know, loved it. My mother-in-law, she came over and she freaked. She was just like, oh my gosh, she goes, that is so cool. She totally got it. And that made it worth it right there. So anyways, let me continue on.

He goes, so anyways, yeah, I paid off his two loans. He goes, so my, here's the choice I have to make. I can either live with my dad even longer than I already have and be rent free in this fixer-upper so that I can save up money and get my own place, or I can rent a shitty apartment and burn a grand a month, which would clearly be better spent on a new house. If I was in my 20s or early 30s,

I might be a little more open to the idea of renting, which I did in college. The upside of renting an apartment is having a little more confidence and integrity when I'm out on a date, knowing that we can retreat back to my own place instead of my parents house. Well, dude, why don't you just hit him with the Lyme disease fucking story? You know?

And just tell him, yeah, I'm living at home because I'm not dropping a grant. I'm going to be buying a house. And as long as you have a game plan, women will fucking they'll they'll they'll ride it. They'll ride it out with you for a little bit. Feel the same. Listen, yeah, I had Lyme disease for 10 fucking years. And I finally got over it and I had to move back in with my dad. And that's brutal right there. Had a movement back in with my dad.

You almost want to have that part of a whole another run on sentence. You just got to plow right through that. Had to move back home with my dad, but I'm on a... How the fuck do you gotta say it? You gotta say it. Move back home with my dad, but I almost have enough money for a down payment on a house, so I'm not throwing a thousand dollars. Oh Jesus Christ. That's it. Oh, it's a rough one, you know? You know what? Fuck these fucking, fuck them. Fuck them. Just tell them what you're doing.

Yeah, I'm living at home because I'm saving up to buy a house. Yeah, I am 35. Just own it. Yeah. Listen, I have my own back entrance into the house. My dad won't see. Anyway, let's plow ahead. If I was in my 20s or early 30s, I might be a little more open to the idea of renting,

which I did in college. Sorry, I already read that. The upside of renting an apartment is having a little more. Ah, Jesus Christ, Bill. Um, all right. It's also the freedom of coming home to a quiet house and knowing that my goddamn food will still be in the refrigerator when I get home. My brother is also still living at home.

He suffers from migraines. Um, dude, what the fuck? Where do you, what do you live? There? What sort of fucking? This sounds like one of those fucking movies where they, you know, they're, you guys eating the lead paint in your house. Like what's going on here? Is that how you get Lyme disease? Where do you go on a fucking hike?

Not wearing any shoes and get bit by a tick. I can't remember. There's too many fucking diseases. Anyways, he goes, so should I get on with my life and start pissing money away on rent? Or should I stick it out a little longer and continue to live with father so I can get my own fixer upper? Love the podcast.

Thanks and go fuck yourself in the A with a D, JK. All right, I would, look, if you just have to stick it out a little longer, who gives a fuck at this point? You already did 10 years. You know, if, if, if you can get yourself in a situation where you can actually own the place where you're living. Um, but I shouldn't say that you're basically, you, instead of having a landlord, the banks of your landlord, you have a mortgage Hey, people say it you rented you own I

Own I own a house we bought a house. Oh, yeah outright No, no, we're making mortgage payment. All right, then you don't own it somebody owns you Right. That's what happened You used to be you used to you used to be in a situation where somebody owns you month to month, but at any point you could just take off. You could leave the plantation. Okay. Now you just signed up for 30 years. Somebody fucking put it in you every fucking month. So what I would say is I would stick it out a little bit longer with my dad and I would buy a house where, you know, it's not one of those deals

where you can just make the mortgage payment. You gotta get into a situation where not only do you make in the mortgage payment, but you can throw something at the principal, you know? You gotta beat the fuck out of that and you gotta beat the fuck out of it quick because they front end load all the interest, which to this day, I don't know why it's legal.

Oh yeah, that's right. That's right, The president only makes four and a grand a year. That's right. That's right. Yeah, and bankers go out and have like four and a thousand dollar fucking, you know, I won't even say Christmas parties. I mean, that's what they probably play the outfield to come and play their daughter's 16th birthday. There's no way they paved them for them 400 grand. Green day. You can get green day for 400 grand, right? Play a half hour in your backyard. That's a trio. That's $133,000 each. 134 for the lead singer because he's playing all the guitar parts and singing.

All right. I'm gonna do a startup. I want Green Day to play my 48th birthday. All right, UK, United Kingdom, dear Bill, when are you coming back to the UK? And are you watching any football, parentheses, soccer, in between Bruins games? No, I've been just, I've been really fucking busy so I haven't gotten to watch any of that. I saw a little bit the other day, I don't just, I've been really fucking busy. So I haven't gotten to watch any of that. I saw a little bit the other day, I don't know, I was in some pub.

I always watch it, man. When I, you know, if I get, if I stumble upon it, I will watch it. But I'm hoping to do a European tour towards the end of the summer. Maybe like in August. It'd be really interesting to go through Scandinavia, you know, when the sun's not going down

at three in the afternoon, which to be honest with you, I actually think it's pretty fucking cool, you know? I gotta admit, when I went to Iceland in December, that's the fucking time to go. Don't go in the summertime when every jerk off is there. You go in the's the fucking time to go. Don't go in the summertime when every jerk off is there. You go in the summertime when nobody wants to go. And then you go to that blue lagoon fucking spa. It's just naturally heated by the fucking volcanoes or whatever

the fucking it's incredible. Fucking incredible. One of the coolest places I've ever been to. But yeah, I'm definitely going to be coming back doing a big stand up tour and I'm going to be adding some Eastern European countries. And I'm really excited about that. Buddy of mine just went to Germany and he was saying what a great time they had. And he was actually in a bar and met somebody that knew what my stuff was or something do some of my stand-up jokes or something So I'm mostly German so I would be excited to To go back to the yeah to the motherland there

Speaking of which I actually watched this documentary my wife tape was talked to the charisma of Adolf Hitler on talked to the charisma of Adolf Hitler on PBS. And it was this fascinating thing, how they talked about just what is charisma, you know, and they had this whole thing. We're saying how like Hitler could not had just no functioning relationships with anybody. One on one, but he just crushed it in front of a crowd. And now he would make him wait and all of that shit was fucking hilarious. Like he's waiting to start his speech. Everyone's cheering and he's just standing there until they're dead silent.

You know, it reminded me one time, a, me, I took me to go see Erica Bado and she comes out and everyone wants her to sing and she spends the first five minutes just walking around, light in the incense. So I'm watching Hitler. She got out. She got this from Hitler. It's the same fucking thing. Everybody's like, oh, oh, we need to behave ourselves.

And then the performance will begin. But they had all these creepy fucking speeches that he was getting. He was doing this thing where he was going. There's a group of people among us who can basically live anywhere. They do business anywhere. It doesn't matter to them. They live in Paris. Next month they'll live, they'll live in fucking Vienna. Then they'll live here and blah, blah, blah blah blah blah with no ties to their

homeland. He just keeps spoon feeding them. You know, he won't come out and say it. This group of people because they have no attachment to Germany, you know, but blah blah blah blah. And then finally somebody in the crowd goes, Jew then yelled out Jews. And Hitler never addressed it and then just kept going. You have to see this. It is the creepiest, absolutely creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. But I would be lying to you if I didn't tell you

that I learned some things as far as performance in front of a crowd. I mean, you gotta give it up. The guy was a beast. I don't even remotely agree with the guy's message, but Jesus Christ, the guy's going out in front of a crowd, you know, a Kevin Hart size fucking crowd, and it doesn't say a fucking word. He doesn't get to do the exact opposite of the Clippers game. Makes a noise, right? Jesus Christ! Hitler's got to come back and start running the NBA. There, I said it. I said it. If he can just get past the fact that 99% of the players are African American, I think he could do some great things for the league.

I think he quieted it down. All right, sorry. Anyways, so I will be going to Eastern Europe. That's what I was trying to say or Europe in general, the UK. There we go. All right. Apple fives the FBI. Dear big brother Billy, what are your thoughts on the battle between Apple and the FBI regarding hacking into the the phones of the San Bernardino

terrorists also does the fact that the FBI has the phones for two months and can't get into them put a dent into any government overreach conspiracy theories No, he says the situation with Apple is FBI wants Apple to create an operating system that would allow for them to hack encryption on the phone They would upload the system to the terrorist phone to allow them to unlock it. However What they would upload this system to the terrorist phone to allow them to unlock it. However terrorists phone to allow them to unlock it. However, if Apple does this, the operating system can be used by the FBI and others to totally compromise any security on any iPhone in the future. The solution is simple. It's just like, just bring the phones to us and

we'll hack into it. And whatever information you need on the phones, we'll do that for you. Yeah, once again, because of these terrorist cunts, what you're going to do is you're going to allow all the, you know, these fucking lunatics at the top to take even more power and privacy away from you. And I could just, simplest way to tell you this is just like, you know, the amount of people out there that can actually handle power is very rare. I mean, look in my business, okay, you see what happens, you know, everybody's down to earth, everybody's cool, and all of a sudden you get your own sitcom, and next thing you know, you're banning people from the set, you're tipping shit over, and nobody's saying

shit because you're making all this fucking money. You don't handle it well, right? Being like in the top levels of government and security. It's the same fucking thing. I don't think they handle it well. I think it's way too much freedom. And I'm sick of people saying shit like, well, hey, man, if you're not doing anything, then what are you worried about? I'm worried about the fact that, you know, just, you know, what human beings do, we're awful, we're fucking terrible people. We're terrible with the amount of access that we have now.

You don't need to give people more access. And I don't feel like, you know, they keep just hiding behind this whole fucking thing of like, you know, well, we're just going to use it for the bad people. It's like, yeah, but you get to decide who the fuck's bad. That Snowden guy, he had to walk away, what they were building was like the fucking Batman movie. They spy on their own fucking people. They're lunatics. I don't know what they do. I always picture them just sitting there fucking. I don't know. Dude, you know, like that Snowden guy, he says, when he stays in a fucking hotel room,

he unplugged the phone because they have that speaker phone. Do you know that down at the front desk, they can turn it on and just listen to whatever you're doing in there? You know, fucking you lady talking to yourself, rubbing one out, whatever the fuck you're doing in the privacy of your own fucking hotel, they can just listen in on that shit. It's fucking, it's just the whole thing is creepy. And yeah, no, it's, I can't imagine, you know, by the time, you know, if I live, you know, to be like 90, 100 years old, like I would like to, I wanna see the fucking, I wanna live in every fucking decade, you know, I wanna get to the 60s again.

I was born in 1968, I wanna make it, you know? I just keep thinking shit like that. I want to get to the 60s again. I was born in 1968. I want to make it. I just keep thinking shit like that. I want to make it. So I can't imagine the lack of privacy that there'll be if you live that long. Just with people with drones and shit like that, like the cameras and just how like,

I think in the future, right? They're gonna have like these, uh, like microchips, like misters, you know, and like somebody walks by and somebody just hits you with a little mist and all these little microchips go on you. And when you shower, like most of them come off, but like a few will still stick on you and then your next door neighbor can just watch your whole fucking life. There'll be no more TV shows. We'll just be spying on each other. I don't know. I think it's all fucking creepy. And I think that's way too much. I don't think the FBI needs to fucking do that. I think

Apple should work with the FBI. And if there's ever like somebody that they want to fucking check in on, you know, let them do it. Say I'm gonna call them up. Hang on one second. Hey, I'm finishing up my podcast. Let me call you back in five minutes, all right? Cool. All right, let's get on to the next one. All right, gay friend. Hey Bill, first off, thanks for the laughs. Well, you're welcome. I'm 30 years old and decided to go back to school two years ago to study chemistry. I'm an idiot like you, but with enough effort, anything is possible. Yeah, I believe Kevin Garnett said that. Anything is possible! During my first semester back, I befriended a gay guy. I am not gay myself, nor am I homophobic. I've also never had a gay friend.

We have a lot in common except for the fact that he likes to give and take it up to the ass. Jesus Christ dude! You could have said except that he likes gay sex. Alright, I don't proofread these. I just stumble on the sentences. Here we go. During that first semester, I started to on the sentences. Here we go. During that first semester, I

started to get the feeling that he liked me. I started to get uncomfortable studying with him and stopped answering his phone calls for a few days. After those few days, I decided to call him, explain my concerns. I told him that I've never had a gay friend before. I think he's a cool guy, but I also explained that I'm getting the feeling that he thinks he might have a chance. Dude, that's, you handled it perfectly. He goes, he laughed and he assured me that he wasn't hitting on me and knew I wasn't gay. He also told me that if he feel he cr- if he, if I feel he crosses a line to tell him, tell him, okay, great, I said. I don't know, dude. He said he wasn't hitting on you and then he's kind of like yeah, but if I cross the line The way I look at it at the end of the day, it's a guy

All right, and guys think you know if you're talking to him you want to hook up, right? That's why women you know when they walk down the street guys are like smile. Say hello It's like I can't or else you think I want to fuck you And then I got to deal with that level of interaction That's why I got to walk down the street with this Donald Trump look on my face, right the same thing I always feel I feel that would like a guy she can't you can't you can only be so fucking nice Oh, they're gonna think they got a shot because they're they they were born with a dick That's what I told I did a bit about that your dick's a dreamer

born with a dick. That's what I did a bit about that. Your dick's a dreamer. Your dick believes, man. It's fucking waving everybody around the third base. All right, now I'm in my second year of school, fourth semester, and we have more of the same classes, but not together. Over the winter break, he called me and asked

if I wanted to go to the bar with him and some other friends from school. I happily said yes and drove to the bar. After about two hours, he asked me if I have any weed and if I'd smoke him down. Are we still talking about weed here? What are we doing? I said, sure, let's go to my truck and smoke a bowl.

During this drunken stoner session, he proceeds to get, where, get out of the truck, get out. Yeah, you gotta it. So yeah, listen, dude, you know what? Your gut was right. You called him on the shit and he said that he wasn't and I knew it with that fucking line. But if I ever cross the line, let me know. Dude, he was trying to wear you down. He was trying to hang in there long enough that you finally just said, you know what, fuck it. So basically, okay, he proceeds to get word, he goes, basically telling me that he knows I'm not gay, but I'm the kind of guy he likes and I'm one of his best friends and now his life sucks because he's gay. I just started laughing and saying, what the fuck? I'm too nice of a guy to say get

the fuck away from me. So I let him finish his thoughts. He was drunk and being emotional too, which was annoying. He reminded me of my ex girlfriend. I'm just glad he didn't start crying. Anyway, after he was done, I said, that's great, but I'm not wired that way. Sorry. He kept going on and on, asked me if I'm sure there isn't any secret hidden desired buried deep within me. Oh yeah, dude. It's late night. It's late at night.

This guy, he's going all in. Uh, I explained to him that if I was doing the same thing to a girl that I had a crush on, I would be considered a creep and that the girl wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore. Dude, why are you writing me, man? You got all the, you're handling all of this perfectly. I already failed because the second he got weird in my truck, I would be like, get out. Get out. This was about two months ago and I've ignored him since he called me three times and I ignored

them. Two of the calls were in the middle of the night. Oh, Jesus, one 30 at 2 30 a.m. which leads me to believe he was being drunk and emotional. Exactly. He goes just like a 23 year old girl. He goes, I don't see him at school anymore because I avoid him on purpose. My question to you is, am I doing the right thing? Yeah, you're totally doing the right thing. It's just cause you get both guys and that because he's gay

and he's like basically in the media, they're always considered victims. If there's any sort of soul, like you got to be more accepting. You know, at some point, if somebody's making you fucking uncomfortable and you fucking address it and they still cross the line. If that's something you're not comfortable with, yeah, fuck off. It's over. Beat it. You fucking creeping me out. You know? Anyways, he goes, my question to you is am I doing the right thing?

I've never gone out of my way to avoid someone like this except for a girl after I break up with them. I have no desire to hang out with them anymore. It's not that big of a deal. It's not like a work friend you hang out with. But then one of you gets a different job and the two of you stop hanging out. I do feel bad though because he has had a hard life.

He's the classic gay guy who grew up in Texas and was harassed and is hated by his dad. It sucks, but it's not my problem. I used to listen to his problems and try to give him advice on life and happiness and be a good friend. But after that whole truckin' incident, I don't want to do that anymore. Thanks for the help.

Hope you and the lovely knee have a great day. Yeah, no dude, you're fucking, you handle it perfectly. You were never a jerk to the guy. You told him exactly how you were feeling. And at the end of the day, you had respect for yourself and your own boundaries, which he didn't. So fuck off. You know? Yeah. Teach him a, own boundaries, which he didn't. So fuck off. You know, yeah.

Teach him a, uh, you know, teach him a lesson. Next time he has a straight friend, you know, just be, be a friend. Don't get high going to his truck and try to fuck him. You know, it's pretty straightforward. All right. German fob. Bill, the, I can't, I don't know. Lucas site. What the fuck does that word? I got to look that word up. Is that some fucking space shit? Bill, though, I can't, I don't know. Lucasite?

What the fuck does that word? I gotta look that word up. Is that some fucking space shit? Is that a, I don't know what that means. I feel like half the podcast is laughing at me and the other half is pretending like they know what the fuck it means. Lucasites. A colorless cell that circulates in the blood and bodily fluids and is involved

in counteracting foreign substances and diseases. And so I'm a white cell. Dude, that's that. You didn't realize how fucking original that is? I hope I said the word right. Jesus Christ, that was fucking brilliant. My hat's off to you. And also ties in with germaphobe You know whenever you get sick your white cell count goes up. Do you realize on how many fucking levels that insult is working?

Jesus Christ tip of the hat to you All right a few days ago. I was stretching in the gym with the girl I was dating she picked up her phone from a bench, looked at the screen and said, God, my screen is so dirty. And then proceeded to use her tongue to lick the phone screen and wipe it off with her sleeve. What the fuck? Gee, just when you thought getting high with your gay friend and he goes for your dick and your truck was the fucking weirdest almost uncomfortable thing you were gonna, Jesus. He goes, I dry heaved and she got mad at me claiming that she was a medical student and

done things like that, doing things like that was good for my immune system. Fucking med students always gotta tell you they are med students. He goes, I couldn't get over it. I had to get away from her. Now it's in my psyche that maybe I am a germaphobe. When I use an ATM or debit card, pin pad, I always have to wash my hand.

Touching those things grosses me out. Am I a germaphobe? P.S., how many hands do you shake a day? No dude, your girlfriend is a med student, but she's also gross. That's fucking disgusting. That's fucking disgusting, period. Okay. There's so many other ways where you can just go into the fucking gym is enough to keep your immune system up. You don't

need to lick your phone, your fucking pig. Disgusting. That's fucking gross. All right. End of story. No, you're not a germaphobe. You're an intelligent human being that's, you know, you just aware. Yeah, I don't like touching those fucking things when I go to the airport I gotta like I gotta get on that little shuttle bus thing and they're like hold on before the fucking thing starts I always pull down the sleeve of my jacket and I hold on to it like that yeah I don't need fecal matter and mucus and jizz and God knows what else is fucking on that thing? All right? Gross. You're not a germaphobe. All right, how many hands do I shake a day?

I don't know. Sometimes zero. Sometimes if I do a, I don't fucking know. I know, but I go and I wash my hands afterwards and I don't touch my face after I do it because I'm afraid I'm gonna get pink eye. But I don't shake a lot of hands. But I will say people love coming out of the bathroom and then be like, Hey, Bill, I'm then shaking your hands. I really got it in the moment. Get better. Be like, dude, no, you just came on. Give me

the elbow, dude. You just came out of the bathroom. I don't know you. I don't know if you're good at washing your hands. I want to know you. I don't know if you're good at washing your hands. I want to know you like that. All right, dilemma. Hey Bill, that reminds me a long time ago, I worked the improv in Dallas and I pissed off this fucking, I think I pissed off this older Texan guy. Or maybe this was his weird idea of humor.

He came up and shook my hand right at the end of the show. I said, hey man, thanks for coming out. And he just goes, I just paid. I was like, all right, well, you know, I'm not gonna do anything with my hand. My hand is, you could have your urine on it. It's fine, I'm not gonna eat. I'm just gonna shake a bunch of other hands now.

And they're gonna have you pee on it. And then I'm gonna wash you my hands and it's gonna be over. You know what I mean? You don't think you got, you just went into the bathroom. You don't have any idea what's on your fucking hands? That's now on my hands? Yeah, we're all filthy. All right, dilemma. Hey Bill, so I'm in a bit of a tight situation. Me and some buddies were playing to take, on taking a weekend trip down to Austin to attend a music festival. My ladies grandma is getting married the same week, the same weekend as the concert.

Obviously I have to pick my ladies grandma is getting married the same weekend as the concert. Obviously I have to pick which event I'm going to attend. Your girlfriend's grandma is getting married? Well, when the fuck did grandma have her mother when she was like 12? My girl, there's no choice here. This isn't a dilemma. This is like an obvious.

He goes, my girl left it completely up to me with no hard feelings attached, at least from her. I'm afraid of upsetting her family by not going to the wedding. Fuck that. Go to the fucking wedding. Look, if you're going to marry this girl, you have to establish early that you're not going to every stupid fucking function. You have to do that.

He goes, but I should mention that my, uh, my girl's grandma doesn't really care much for me or so it seems. She tells my girlfriend That she should explore her options a bit while she's still young also And I also have not been formally slash officially invited my girlfriend and I have been dating for two years So it's not like I'm a new boyfriend or anything. What should I do? I'd love to hear the lovely Nia's take as well If she's around unfortunately, she's not around to hear the lovely Nia's take as well if she's around. Unfortunately, she's not around.

Dude, fuck that. You go down with your friends and you go to the concert and you have a great fucking time. Okay? And if this woman doesn't like you at the end of the day, she's gonna die soon. So who gives a fuck? Okay? It gives a shit. It's not like her mom doesn't like it. Then that's a problem because she's gonna be around and you're gonna it, then that's a problem. Because she's going to be around. And you're going to have kids, and she's going to fucking show up, and it's going to be a big fucking pain in the ass. Grandma gives a fuck, right? She'd explore her options. Is she still running around single in her fucking 80s?

You know? She's just projecting her own regret of that fucking oxen driver she married back in the 1920s, whatever the fuck she did. Yeah, go to the concert. It's not a dilemma to go to the concert. Just tell your girlfriend. So you know what? I decided I'm going to go to the concert, have a good time with the wedding and just fucking leave it at that. And if she gives you a rough time about it, don't bring up the fact that your grand or grandma doesn't like you and blah, blah, blah, because then she's going to try and fix it. No, you guys just need to spend more time together. Just tell her I would just I would rather go to the concert. Yes. And just leave it at that. If she gives

you a ton of shit, just be like, listen, you know, if I invited you to something, you know, also had plans to go to a concert and you chose to do that, I wouldn't give you a rough time about it. I would want you to do what was going to make you happy. I would appreciate if you extend me the same courtesy. Yeah, I see it now. I was going to say you fucking sound so and so don't don't don't do the last part. All right. That's what I would do. All right. Okay. There you go. All right. That's the podcast for do. All right. Okay. There you go. All right That's the podcast for this week everybody everybody back your heads. Um, thank you for listening And thank you everybody that's uh, you know Coming out to the shows this weekend at Fox Woods

You know, I Some people would talk it about you know the ticket prices and everything I can't control that people go on and buy some of these fucking scalp and ticket things. The StubHub peoples of the fucking world. So I got to figure something out with that. I know Louis C.K. does something where he sells tickets on his own website. But my thing is, well, then how do you stop them from just going to your website and buying up a bunch of tickets and sending the fucking price through the roof.

Like how do you do that? Because I don't want you guys getting fucked over. But I can't tell you this, if you do go and you do pay through the nose, there won't be anybody screaming and yelling and shooting fucking t-shirts at you while I'm doing my dick and shit jokes. Alright? Okay, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on Thursday. ස්විවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවව� I'm not sure if you can hear me. Music

Music This March, audiences are invited to step into the world dark, desolate, full of sand, and worms. And it's three hours long. Oh god. Oh, God. Hey, you know what? I got a better idea. How about you just see Drugstore June instead? Bright, colorful, full of your favorite comedians,

and for the love of God, it's only 90 minutes. Executive produced by Bill Brer. It's Drugstore June. Go to drugstorejune.com and get your tickets now.