Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-23-17

Episode Date: February 24, 2017

Bill rambles about the Patrice benefit, pitching a movie and Coach K.

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I got bogged down in the mud on that one. I didn't think I was going to pull myself up, but you know what? I reached down deep, showed what I had in on me, in on me, showed what I had in me. Anyways, hey, you know what? It's nice to be here. It's nice to be back out here in sunny LA after going back to New York. It was chilly for old Billy back there in New York City. I'm getting soft out here and you know what? I love it. I fucking love it. That's the big thing that East Coast people always say when you go out West. Hey, don't, don't lose your edge, bro. Don't, don't be getting all Hollywood on me, dude.

It's like, dude. You're basically telling me don't become happy. That's what you're saying. Don't, don't be getting too happy. What are you going to do, dude? You can walk around. You're going to get some sandals. Really? You fucking toes hanging out? Oh yeah. What, what ever do wearing some fucking clam diggers? Um, no, it's just nice to be, I went back there and I, you know, I'm one of these fucking LA people now. I don't really have a winter coat coat. I have a P coat. It was funny. This woman was breaking my balls telling me it wasn't a real one because I didn't get it at the Army Navy store. It's like those fucking things. That's like wearing thick pajamas.

P coat doesn't work the second it's below like, you know, 40 degrees. It's one of those, you know what? It's got a mid-range jumper. That's, that's all that fucking coat has. You know what I mean? It can't run the court. Doesn't play any fucking D. It's too fucking hot. You know, once you get to like 58 degrees, it's too fucking hot to wear that coat. Way too hot. 55, right? That coat basically exists from about 39 degrees to maybe 51. You know what I mean? If you get a decent one, if you get a decent one, like I bought a decent one. Actually, Nia bought me a decent one, but she used my money to do it. So, you know what I mean? Technically, I mean, you know, she fucking used my money.

So I guess I bought it. You know, I guess I do have an assistant. It's my wife. Who has access to all my funds. You got to do that with your wife. You know what I mean? Just give her access to all your funds. It just gives you so much leverage in an argument. Just use that next time. You know, put your shirt over here. You were too loud. You were snoring. Just honey, honey, you have access to all of my funds. Do you understand that? You have access to all my funds. I go to an airport and leave, leave you here with access to all. I don't, I don't even know what I'm going to come back to. Is there even going to be anything here? Now, what, what is the problem with the fucking glass that I didn't wash?

I always make Nia out like she's a nag. She really isn't. She really isn't. But it's just, um, I guess it's just a fear of, you know, being with somebody that they can take you for everything you got. Preenup doesn't mean shit out here in California. You know what I mean? You know what a prenup is in California? That's like when there's a blitz and the fullback misses the assignment. That's, that's what the prenup is. You think that fucker's going to pick up that fucking Lawrence Taylor wannabe coming right around the outside? Nah, he missed it. He's sitting there with happy feet. Where is he? He's behind you. And then you get the old right there Fred, right? Well, your fucking back of your helmet hits the middle of your spine as your head snaps back. That's what a fucking prenup is out here. So, um, anyways, I don't even know what I'm talking about here.

Um, I just get back from New York City. I had such a fucking great time going back there doing the fifth annual Patrice O'Neill benefit right out of the gate. Thank you to everyone that came down to the show. The show was unbelievable. I mean, I wasn't there last year because of the snow I got snowed in, but of the four that I've seen, that might have been the strongest show that we've had. We've always had strong shows, but there was something about that show was like the perfect level of, um, of his friends, of new guys that were influenced by him and just the ball breaking that was going on during the fucking show. Uh, Jesus Christ. Rich Voss making fun of Keith Robinson fucking. What's his face? I think Norton, of course, Norton had the best line. He was talking about how funny Keith was. He goes, you should have had a stroke 15 years ago. He goes, I don't understand how Keith had a stroke and he still talks. He's still easier to understand than Rich Voss. Those are probably two of the best ones. And, uh, Voss had like this stupid fucking, he had like this paisley shirt from like the early nineties.

Like every drum instructional video that I bought from the early nineties where they didn't have those jazz guys who were such good musicians, you know, you get so good that your music sucks after a while. They were playing like that, um, 94 seven the way that smooth jazz shit. You know, he had one of those shirts and then he had like a fucking Justin Timberlake does fucking Bing Crosby, one of those fucking hipster hats that even hipster stop wearing those things like 10 years ago. And it was blue on blue. So we were backstage and, you know, all of us fucking jaded people are going, no, Rich, it looks good. He should wear it because he wasn't sure about it. And Pete Davidson, the new kid, right? New kid. He's already on fucking SNL. It's how old I am. He's, he was actually telling Rich going, Rich, you can't wear that. It looks terrible. And I was finally like, Pete, shut up. The whole game is that we know it looks, don't tell him that. And he just started laughing. And then he went along with it. And I believe he took it off his head at the end, at the end of his set. We had such a great time and everybody fucking killed right out of the gate. We had Dan Soto went up first after Voss and he went up there and absolutely just fucking murdered. It was like he'd been doing theaters his whole life. Keith killed Pete Davidson destroyed, even though he did this whole bit about there's no excuse to go bald. That kind of bugged me in this day and age.

There was enough medicine out there or something like that. Then Jim Norton crushed, then it was David Tell and then Leslie Jones. And then I had to mop up in the end after all those guys fucking killing man. It was awesome. And thank you, of course, to Maureen Tarrant, who's the real force behind the whole thing. She puts the whole thing together. She gets all us ADD comics somehow to show up at the same place at the right time every year. She deals with all the finances of renting out the place. She deals with the whole fucking thing. So special thanks to her. And once again, everybody that came out, everybody at the stand, you know, Dave and Chris down at the stand for always hooking us up with the after party and all that shit, just had a great fucking time. And that's it. All right. Until we do it again next year. It really is my fight. I gotta be honest, it's my favorite fucking gig of the year. It's so much fucking fun because I get none of these guys ever get to work with them now because they all headline knife. I get to see him again. It's just such a fucking great time. Jim Florentine just came down to hang out.

I'm trying to make sure I remember everybody, but it was, it was great. I was in New York for a couple of days and had a great time like the first night Monday night. I just went out and I started hitting all these clubs that I used to, you know, I used to work out in back in the day when I lived in New York. I went to Caroline's first and jumped on this show and, you know, I was waiting to go on and as always, you know, I always end up seeing somebody funny. It's comedian Carmen Lynch who I've seen a bunch of times before, but I hadn't seen her in a while. I'm not going to tell you the bit, but she did some bit that was fucking hilarious. And I believe she's going to be on Stephen Colbert this Friday night and she told me she was going to be doing the bit. The bit's basically about people that can sleep through anything. So anyways, I went up and I have, I just go on stage and I do the shit that I'm working on and some older shit that I'm bringing back that I'm putting a new spin on.

And it was just wire to wire this perfect fucking set. I was taping it, you know, I have a point two percent chance that I'll actually go back and listen to it. But the fact that I'm recording it makes me feel good, right? And I was actually going to listen to it because I got these gigs coming up in Phoenix, right? I got to get my shit together and this set ends. And for whatever fucking reason, I never touched the phone. It just shut off after like two minutes. I'm like, he got to be fucking kidding me.

So then I go up to the company, I still felt great, you know, and I was like, I'll remember, I'll remember the shit. So I go up to the comic strip, which was my home club when I first got to New York, way back in the day with Lucian, the late, great Lucian Holt, who'd sit there going, sit there. You'd walk in and be like, hey, Lucian, hey, I'm a comedian. I just moved down from Boston. And he was just going, I already have enough white guys. He would literally say that. I already have enough white guys.

And I remember all these white guy comics would get so fucking mad and be like, you see, you see, it's the same thing. That's fucking reverse facing me. It's like, no, it isn't. It isn't. You know what the fuck he's saying? He has a million of you. And if you're just going to be another fucking white guy that grew up in a fucking cul-de-sac, he already has it. It's like it's a grocery store.

All right. And he's got, he's got fucking ears of corn stacked up to the fucking, you know, saline and you come in, you want to buy a bushel? No. I don't. You got any chickpeas there, freckles, right? So I knew what he meant when he said it. It's like, don't come in here and just be doing the, what's the deal with shit. So I remember when he said that to me.

I just was a little frustrated, but I just said to myself, I'll get in here. I'll get in here eventually. But, um, oh man, I remember there's so many fucking white dude comics. We get so mad at that. Um, you could never say that to another fucking group of people. It's like, yeah, yeah, but it's white on white so you can get away with it. You know what I mean? Like black people can say fucked up shit to each other.

It's, he can keep it in house. It's like your family. You can say whatever the fuck you want. You're still going to sit down for Thanksgiving together. You have to your family. You know what I mean? It's the same fucking thing. I remember exactly where I was.

I just remember him smiling and nodding and he closed his eyes and I was like, oh my God, this guy's actually an open person. You know, I'd love to get a spot here and he's smiling, nodding. I'm like, here it comes. Maybe he's going to give me a phone number or something. I already have enough white guys. I was sitting there with my stupid backpack just walking away. We used to always use the reference of Bill Bixby at the end of the Hulk, you know, when

he would just be walking down the road with that sad piano music. That's how I left the club. But I had my little positive fucking things that I would say to myself to get me to, you know, to go over to the next club. Who the fuck was over at standup New York back in the day? He was a good dude. I remember he had a dead tooth. That's all I remember and I would go in there.

And he didn't sugarcoat it at all. When I walked up to him, I remember telling him that I was a new comic and the look of fucking pain on his, he just sort of looked up. Like I was talking to the side of his head and he just looked up and he just made this this face literally like he had a major operation and they were, this is the first time they were removing the bandages. That was the look on his face when I talked to him. I think I actually petered out through the sentence.

I was like, Hey, what was his name? Hey, so my name is Bill Burrow. I'm a comedian. I just moved down here from New York and I just want to, yeah. And then I just fucking walked away. So all these years later to still be able to go back to New York and walk into these clubs and they still know who I am and they'll actually put me on stage. The thrill of that and the privilege of that has never fucking gone away.

So anyway, so I go to, I go to the comic strip, you know, and now I'm feeling all cocky because I just had a great set. So I mean, all the years that I've done this, I never see the bomb coming after that. You know, I'm feeling all fucking good about myself. I'm like, I'm going to go up and do it just like I did it at Caroline's. It's going to come out perfectly. It's going to be fucking, you know, minted into my brain and this is going to be a nice cornerstone to start this next fucking hour.

Right. And of course I go in there. Nobody's paying attention. Small crowd, somebody's ordering and, and, and, and I don't know what was going on. There was this giant group of people right in the front. And I think they just, I basically deduced that they all just had the ideal childhood and they couldn't relate to anything I was saying. And I basically had to start over after every single joke.

And of course that was the show. One of my friends came out to see me and I didn't bomb, but it was like, I just, it was, you know, those days where just nothing's going right. That's like what it was, except it was in a 15 minute set. You know, I tell a joke, it would work. And then I try to build on that momentum and then someone would be ordering really loud and then I'd have to stop and then it started over. It was just, it was just one thing after fucking another.

So it's like, Jesus Christ. So then I get in a cab. This is a great thing about New York. You can do like a zillion spots. Jumped in a cab and I went down to the new New York comedy club. Used to be run by Al Martin and they redid the whole fucking thing. And that was a place that I did not have any good memories of for the first fucking three years that I went there, not three years, but that, that place of all the places I went

to, as hard as the Boston comedy club, the New York comedy club was the one that made me contemplate packing up my shit and going home. That fucking place was the land of the misfit toys fucking comedians. And that was one of those comedy clubs where you walked in and there was like a hundred headshots on the wall and none of, not one picture was of anybody that made it. I just remember thinking shit like that. The punchline in Atlanta used to be like that. Jamie Bendler runs it, right?

I used to say, Jamie, for the love of fucking God, at least near when you walk on the stage, can you have some headshots here of people that actually were successful? They had like the headshot of every fucking comedian who ever tried to fucking make it and they left it up on the wall. I mean, some of them came turned out to be big time writers and producers, but you don't know that. But the performers, so the New York comedy club was like that time's like fucking 30. And oh my God, did I have some brutal fucking sets in there?

Brutal sets. That's the first place I saw Mike Buschetti. And I, oh man, not that place. But anyway, so they did a whole face lift on that place. And like, it was funny like psychologically, I went back to where I was when I first was down in New York and I went in and I sort of recognized the place. It was still sort of the same floor plan. And it was a great club.

They had, it was the lobby had happy, hopeful colors painted on the walls and shit. And I went up and ended up having a great set there. And then after that, I went over to the stand. And then after that, I met up with Verzi and DeRosa and some other people we hung out. And it was just, it was perfect. It was just like, I remember this. This is what fucking living in New York was. Aside from me being chilly, it was perfect.

And then early in the day, I found a place where I could play drums at some rehearsal spot. So it was like, it was like the perfect fucking day. And then like an asshole, I stayed out till like three, three 30 in the fucking morning, drinking like an idiot, like a fucking idiot. Woke up the next day, I felt like shit. I didn't eat for like the first 12 hours of the day. And then what do I have to start? I have a fucking burger and fries.

I was trying to go my whole time not getting a slice of pizza in New York because I always do that because all the pizza out here fucking sucks. Even the shit that's good sucks compared to pizza on the East coast. And I finally gave in after the patrice benefit. I went to this place right next to the stand and I was like, I'm just going to get one slice. And then I walked in and I was like, Oh, that one looks good too. And then I got to burn the shit out of the fucking roof of my mouth. I remember sitting there just going like, Bill, just let him cool off.

Just let him cool off. I'm like, well, maybe I'll just, you know, just take a little, you know, when you try to go in, like, you know, you never see like the run to the litter trying to nurse off the mom just kind of kind of kind of going. I was going in like that. I still burn the shit out of my mouth and kept fucking shoving it down my pie hole. So anyways, I could not have had a better fucking time. And I got to tell you, man, that patrice benefit, like we definitely have our work cut out for us for next year. We already have a couple of people in mind that we're going to try to get to it to get on the show next year.

So there you go. So that's it. Can you tell I'm typing my password because the whole fuck I just start talking like half a mile an hour. And of course I didn't type it in right. Come on. Sorry, the mic's sliding down my chest here. There we go. All right.

Let's move on here. Let me see here. Oh, for God's sakes. I already lost. I was going to try to hide my YouTube page. I don't even know where the fucking link is anymore. All right. Can I read a little bit of advertising here now that we're halfway through?

And after the advertising, I'm going to tell you, I called in a certain person's radio show today. Radio show today. I called in Coach K and Dave Sims, basketball and beyond show that's going to be airing tonight. February 23rd at 6pm on Sirius XM channel 84, the Sirius XM college channel. And you know what's funny? I can't even fucking listen to it because I was driving my Jaguar, Jackie as I call her, drives my wife nuts. The beautiful Jackie driving her down the street. I did a spot at the store.

This is before I went to New York. And it's been raining like crazy out here. And I was driving, turned down Lassie and I go, and I'm cruising along. And then I just have, boom, out of nowhere. It felt like I drove over something metal. And immediately the dashboard lights up. Check air pressure in the car and the front right tire and ended up pulling into the gas station down there. And I had blown out the front fucking tire.

That's what it got. My Prius could have taken that hit, you know, but now I got the fucking sexy tires on the fucking Jaguar. And it's, oh my God, adversity, right? Totally just fucking implodes. So then I was like, all right, you know, I had the locking lugs on it and shit. And I'm like, ah, fuck, please tell me I got that thing in the glove box, which I did. I called triple A, you know, I got the spare out and everything. And I was looking at the jack and all that type of shit.

And it's just, I was too afraid. Two things. I paid for triple A, so I'm going to have someone change the tire. And then secondly, I was too afraid to, because the car is low to the ground. I didn't want to stick it underneath the fucking car. And God forbid, if I fucking miss the frame, you know, which I did a long time ago. Granted, I was absolutely shit-faced. I was with a friend of mine.

It was the 80s, you know, we were drinking and driving and broad daylight, he gets a fucking flat. And I went to jack it up and I put the jack underneath basically the floorboards and just put it right through the car. So anyways, they ended up changing the tire and everything. So I had that awful spare tire and now my car is getting fixed. I took it over there because I want to make sure I didn't fuck up the suspension because I ran over the crater with my back right tire too. So long story short, I came home that night. My wife fucking gave me the little emasculating shot. She's like, I can't believe you didn't do it yourself.

And I was like, oh, well, you know, I mean, I mean, I could have, if I wanted to, I mean, I have, you know, I just, you know, I got triple A. So I mean, you know, back in the day, I used to, I used to change tires, you know, I, I'll never forget this. I started telling this story about how I changed the tire on my fucking Ford Ranger on the driver's side, on the side of Route 128 at three in the morning. And how I fucking jacked it up and I forgot to loosen the lug. So I had to bring it back down again to take it off. And, and I realized the entire time I was telling her that was because I was embarrassed that I felt like she questioned my manhood. Like I was some pussy that I called triple A. But I do have to tell you this.

I actually, um, even if I knew exactly what the fuck I was doing, all I had was that little right angle fucking, you know, thing to take the lugs off. And I just assumed that they had overtalked the fucking thing. And then there was no way I was going to get that off unless they had another piece of pipe to get the leverage, which is what I learned back in the day with the old 83 Ford Ranger. But the guy showed up, he goes, no, he goes, they, they tighten these by hand now, or at least to do a Jaguar. And he just took it off like butter. And I was just like, God, Jesus, maybe I could have done this. So now I'm obsessed with the fucking weird ass jack that's in the trunk of my car. I should probably know how to do that.

You know, hey, you know what? Maybe my wife was right. Maybe I am a pussy. I don't know. Let's fucking, uh, you can't change your own tire, you fucking Mary. All right. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees.

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You know about lift, right? Right. It's the app that gets you a ride in two minutes on demand 24 seven for less than the cost of a cab. Please include all of the following points during your read. Well, of course I'm going to you fucking put them here. I guess they're saying don't skip any. If you tried lift, you know what I mean with lift. You can just download the app request to driver and they show up in three and a half minutes on average.

That's really fast. You just fucking said two minutes. They have to get you right. Oh, you said in minutes, not two minutes. Sorry. My apologies to everybody at lift. Every lift driver is fully vetted through that 10 point safety standard, including criminal and DMV background checks. You'll know you'll get around quickly and safely, safely.

Unlike at that, that other one that rhymes with boober. They don't give a shit as long as you have a face and a fucking car. Right. We need hands and feet. Basically that if you have the basics of being a human being, they don't give a shit standing with a bloody axe. You got a hatchback lift drivers are rated after every ride. It's only the best stick around. That's hilarious.

I just picture people getting cut in August before the football season. I'm sorry, man. I'm sure you'll catch up. You'll catch on over at Uber. You don't have to worry about getting into a filthy car with some creepy dude with lift. You can tip in the app, which is obviously leads to happier drivers. I mean, nine out of 10 lift rides get a perfect five star rating from the passengers. It's just a better all around experience.

Plus there's a lot of people that are just too mean to not do that. You know what I mean? I think four is more legit than a five. You know what I mean? Five is just like, Hey, you know what I mean? You got me there. Good for you. I'll do your solid and give you a five.

You know what I mean? Five. Would you get a fucking hand job there? He must have had the bucket seats, right? He could reach back and give you a little fucking, a little helper. What's with you tonight? You're so relaxed. I'll tell you, I'm loving lift.

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By the way, you know, in the middle of that, I know I did suggest a man reaching back giving another man a hand job. That's not a gay act when you're paying for a ride. Okay, if that's just a friend of yours, even if you're in the back seat, that would be a homosexual act. But just, you know, look it up. If you look it up on taxidrive backslashhandjobs.com, you'll see that I'm actually telling the truth. All right. What do we got next here? What do we got next?

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I just thought of a good scene in a fucking movie that I'm never going to write. All right. So you get the fucking simply safe system, simply safe system. And you're on the road and you check in to your fucking home to see what's going on. And not only do you see somebody sneaking up to walk the walk to break into it, it's actually you. And you're like, what the fuck? How can I be there breaking into my shit? Why would I not be me, but be someone else stealing my own shit?

And then you realize it's the robot version of you. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, right? You could sell that to Tom Cruise as he was walking to his jet. Just yelling through the chain link, friends. Tom, simply safe. You're on the road. You see yourself breaking into your own house because you're a robot. And he would just stop halfway up the fucking stairs.

And he'd look over his shoulder like Bruce Lee and fucking, I'm sorry, Bruce Willis and Die Hard. And he'd be like, what did you say? I said it's a fucking robot. But it's you. So you'd play both of them so there's a chance you could win a fucking Oscar, right? Then he'd be right up fucking against the chain link fence, right? His nose poking through one of the holes. And you go to hand him the script and then he'd be like, I'm sorry, you got to go through the proper channels.

It's just the way it works. Okay, so now you're on your way over to Scientology. Right? You're fucking pulling. Right? Somebody with a fucking big smile, but just a weird look in their eyes. Greet you. Like Mr. Cruz said you were going to come over with your fucking robot movie about him.

And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, it was. And they'd be like, would you like some tea? And I'd be like, I'm not drinking fucking anything in this building. All right. Okay, just take the fucking script. You know, it's some big fucking place because I got all that money to be echoing. Take the fucking script. You know, something like that.

Look at that. I gave you a fucking idea for a movie. I told you who to sell it to. Oh shit. Calling into the podcast. Hey, Paul Verzi, you're on the Monday morning podcast. I got you on speaker. It's Thursday.

Well, it's a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Monday morning podcast listeners. And guess what, Paul? I'm just checking in on you. Nice. Nice. How's it going out there? It's going great, Paul.

I got to talk to coach K today. I do. That's fucking nuts, dude. Did he say anything about that loss last night? I asked him really quickly. I said, what's it like as a coach to lose a game on a last second bank and three point shot, like fucking 10 feet behind the arc. That kill you as a coach.

And he said, no, he said, no, you know what kills me is having six fast breaks in the first half and not, not getting any points on those. And it's classic afterwards. I thought about it. It's just like, yeah, he doesn't sweat the stuff he can't control, but it's the stuff that you can control that you should follow through on. So there you go, people. There's a little teaser.

If you want to listen tonight on X serious XM channel 84, it's 6pm. That's fucking awesome. At least you didn't ask him something stupid. I would have asked him something stupid. I would have been like, what was it like coaching, like acting like the kids are bigger than him? I'm like, coach and Christian later. That's so cool.

Was he cool though? Like was he? Yeah, no, he was totally cool. I have an idea. If I ever get him on the podcast, I know how I'm going to interview him, but that, that I'm not going to give away. I'll tell you afterwards, I got a great idea on how to interview him because I figured he's been asked the same thousand basketball questions a million times over.

And my goal would be to do an interview and try to see, you know, just ask him. I know it. Yeah. I know what you're going to be like. So what do you think of cars? Start making a call with my son. No, right? It'd be a little more involved in that.

I wouldn't have them there. What do you think of cars? I don't know. I take one to the fucking venue. You idiot. I drive one. Yeah, I drive one. I drive one all the time.

Hey, dude, I got to, I got to, I got to call you right back because I need to write this podcast up and then I got to go be daddy daycare. All right. Hey, Paul, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Okay. It's a pleasure. It's always a pleasure, especially since we're across the country bill. Oh, you know, God bless you, Paul.

God bless you and everything that is that you do. I'll see you. Um, anyway, so there you go. Hey, look at that first fucking call and see, I have the technology. Everybody tries to get these fucking DSL lines and whatever the fuck they are. UPS shit. All you do is you just put your iPhone on speaker and you hold it up to the mic. I think it gives it more of a quality sound.

You know, all these fucking shows, they try to make it sound like the person's in the room. They're not in the room. They're calling me on a cell phone and God damn it, that's what it's going to sound like. All right. So there you go. Somebody fucking write that. Somebody write that movie and go make a bunch of, go make a bunch of money.

Go loiter around an airport. See how long you can fucking do that. Um, all right. I think that's it. Right. Oh, so this is what I learned. The second third, third time I was on stage at the New York comedy club. I forgot to tell you, I'm fucking doing my set and now it's going great.

I'm having a great set. By the way, I didn't have a good set at the comic strip and of course the recorded didn't shut off. I'm having a great fucking set at New York and I looked down and Paul Verzi's calling me. Fuck. Then I go, wait a minute. I go, does the fucking recorder shut off?

If somebody calls millennials, can you help me out? And they're all like, yes, it shuts off. And I go, does it come back on after the call? And somebody said, yes. Well, guess what? It doesn't. It shuts off. So to all you comedians out there, if you tape in a set, if you're feeling it,

you know, you might want to reach over and fucking put it in airplane mode in case your mother calls, you know, then you got to give her shit. You know, thanks a lot, ma. You ruined my new dick joke. Um, all right, that's the podcast for this week. Um, not the podcast, just me checking in on you. Enjoy the music. Now you got another half hour of shit coming your way.

That's, uh, I don't know. It's it's it's some greatest hit stuff from a podcast from a time gone by. Is that what I say? And here's my YouTube channel. By the way, um, let's see here. It's YouTube.com slash user slash Monday morning podcast. And guess what? I'm going to start making fucking videos and I'm going to upload it.

I finally, you know, I never videotaped the fucking podcast. I'm going to start making videos, putting it up there starting when I go to Phoenix. I'm going to start doing the tours of the cities. Again, um, I got some other ideas of some shit that I can do, um, to add to the channel and finally try and build that stuff up. Um, so that's it. Once again, thank you to everybody who did the patrice benefit. Rich Faust, Dan Soder, Keith Robinson, Pete Davidson, Jim Norton, David tell Leslie Jones

and Maureen Taren for putting the whole fucking thing together. And, uh, thank you to everybody who came out. We will do it again next year. And I think I already know who I'm going to reach out to to try to get on the show. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend and I'll talk to you on Monday. Yeah.

Hey, what's up, man? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast and I'm going to be multitasking this week. All right. I'm fucking heating up some pizza and that's what I'm having for breakfast. I know you're supposed to have it cold like those douchebags on ESPN. Um, but I'm not going to. Actually, you know what?

I already had a bowl of oatmeal, you know, and now I'm fucking hungry. So I'm going to have some pizza. Isn't that interesting? Isn't it like that website that you guys are all going on? Fucking tittyfuck.com. What's the name of that thing? Were you, were you celebrities go on there and they, uh, what the hell did they do? They type in a, you know, 148 PM just tied my left sneaker.

Isn't that what the fuck is it? It begins with a T. Tell me, sent me a, uh, an email the other day about that type of shit, you know, seeing if I wanted to join their, uh, their, their website about whatever that stuff is. You know, it would really help if I actually had the name of the website, which I don't, of course, which I don't. Um, but anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. Did that make any sense?

Does it ever make any sense? You know, I love about this podcast is it's fucking free. So you can never complain about it. Although people do, people do bitch about the podcast and, uh, people take it seriously sometimes. It's amazing. I'll do like 50 minutes of shit saying some of the most ignorant stuff you're probably going to hear all day.

It's not the whole week. You know, if you hang out with really smart people and people, they, they send me emails like really taking me. I got a lot of like condescending emails this week, uh, that were really just, I don't know. People, I guess I'm really coming off like a moron, you know, which I openly admit that I am. And also that, you know, I'm just fucking joking around. Some people, they, they, they take it real seriously.

I'm really trying to fucking scroll down to this. I actually have, you know what, which, uh, actually because of it has made me create a, uh, a new part of the podcast, you know, at this point, if you're new to my podcast, what I do is I, uh, people send me questions every week. I try to answer them to the best of my ability. We have the overrated, underrated lists, people's lists of things in life, either, I don't know, entertainers or, uh, can openers, whatever the fuck you want, anything that you think is overrated, underrated.

And, uh, I got a new movie reviews, that's something else, and we got something else. Here's the new thing, douchebag of the week. All right? This guy sent me a, uh, an email. Last week I was talking about nature out here and the seasons and the fires and all that type of shit, just bullshitting, just trying to fill up 50 minutes, you know, trying to help somebody out, sitting in a cubicle with some fucking job that they don't want, that they're on their way out.

And this fucking asshole decides to take me seriously, right? This is what he writes, dear farmer Bill, listening to you talk about nature, soil and Los Angeles, Los Angeles' seasonal fires made me put your intelligence on the overrated list. Fires don't just happen. Are you banking your whole argument on the theory of spontaneous combustion? Some douche flicks a lit cigarette out the window and there you go. Yeah, the trees and the foliage gets brown and dry out, but they don't just explode.

Do you actually think we should just let the fire burn? Can you believe this fucking guy? Like, I think trees just explode. Like, I really think that they should just let the fucking hills burn and have people's houses burn down and that, you know, they're rich people, so who gives a fuck? I mean, does a guy have any sort of concept that in comedy, if you just say something that's really fucking ridiculous and over the top, the shock of it will at the very least bring a smile to somebody's face unless you take it fucking seriously.

Jesus Christ, that's one of my favorite lines ever. Fires don't just happen. Really? I just thought they just happened. Trees don't just spontaneously combust. You know, what a cunt. You know what I'm saying? Oh, look at my pizza's done.

Oh, that was fucking quick. You know what? I didn't stick it in the microwave. I don't like the microwave because it's something Keith Richards said. How fucking funny is that? One time I read a quote where Keith Richards says, I don't use cell phones because, you know, you might as well stick your head in a microwave and that kind of killed two pieces of technology for me, but I need my cell phone, so I still use that, so I try not to use the

fucking microwave. When you think about it, there's something just not right about it, you know? So I'm using the old thing. I use the fire and the stove that just happened, you know? It just so happened that when I put my pizza in there that my stove, you know, spontaneously combusted. Jesus fucking Christ. People, when you listen to these podcasts, know that I don't read and know that when

I really say something stupid that I'm just joking, just fucking around. You don't need to waste 10 minutes of your day trying to show me how fucking intelligent you are about how you understand how fires are started. I like how he went with the hacky lit cigarette out the window. Well, maybe he's just making fun of my intelligence there. No, wait. He thought I thought things spontaneously combust. I don't fucking know.

But he gets douchebag of the week, okay? All right. I don't mind when I do stand up on TV if somebody, you know, sends me an email and says, you know, I just thought your comments about rescue dogs were completely ridiculous. I wish abortion was retroactive, you know, to kind of shit up emails I've gotten. I understand that because those people aren't fans of mine. They don't know what it is that I do. But I think if you listen to my podcast, you realize that I say a lot of over the top

stupid shit and I don't mean any of it, all right? So you don't really need to fucking send me emails. Just, you know, what I'm really trying to do is save your time. I'm actually thinking about you. Look at me being the martyr. Huh? Just like Mother Teresa. I was actually talking to this comedian yesterday.

It's got Doug Davidoff who's fucking hilarious if you ever get a chance to see him. He was, we were talking, somehow he came around. We were talking about Mother Teresa. And he said to me that evidently one of the times she was talking about poverty in the world and she said something to the effect of the worst poverty. The worst poverty she's ever seen was, I think, in India. And the second worst was actually right here in America. And was basically saying that the poverty of the spirit in America is staggering.

And, you know, which really made me wish she was still alive. So I could just slap that fucking nun head right, that nun hat right off her fucking head. I am so sick of fucking people trashing America. You know, acting like where they live is this fucking great place. Okay? Now I haven't hit all the countries. All right? But I've been to Australia.

I've been to Canada. This is pathetic. I've been, I went to Ireland. They're the same fucking people. They haven't figured out what life is all about. I went into fucking Ireland. It's a Wednesday night and the pub is packed with fucking people. Okay?

That's people's dads in there who should be at home tossing them a chalet or whatever the fuck they're supposed to do. There's a dad over there and they're not fucking there. So if they really understood, you know, what makes you happy in life, oh my God, did my computer just fucking crash? Oh, fuck. This is the day that I've been dreading. This is the day that I kept putting off.

I'll buy a laptop next month. I'll buy one next month. Don't do this to me, baby. Come on. We've been through too much. Wow. Is anybody out there good at computers? My screen just went, it's sort of a blue black and all the typing is now in yellow.

I can still read it. Uh-oh. What do I do? I hold the power button down. I try to reboot it. My fucking pizza's getting cold. This is just a cluster fuck. Whatever.

I don't need the fucking questions. I'll just keep going. You know what I mean? Because sometimes in life that's what you do. Let me get back to Mother Teresa. You know what? What a fucking cunt. You know what I mean?

And I know that's sacrilegious to say that shit, but you know, she did too much shit when everyone else was looking. You know what I mean? That's what I never liked about her. Say, don't they have that saying in the Bible? There's another book I never read. I tried to. It's just fucking, you know, it's like update the language already.

You know? And these said it to thou. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm sick of fucking people acting like people in Canada are happier than people in America or people in England. Those miserable motherfuckers. They can't even go to a soccer game without killing each other. Fucking Mother Teresa.

Did you just, you know? Did you serve bacon spiritually? Jesus Christ. I just like to take a fucking pie and throw it right in her face. I wish I was the one interviewing her when she said that. You know, why don't you go fucking hang out with a leper so we can see how fucking great you are? Fucking. What a downer.

Can you imagine she showed up at your party and just sitting there looking at everybody, just judging everyone how fucking holy she is? I wonder where she ended up in the afterlife. You know? Just hoard herself out of what a great fucking person she was. I gotta tell you, man, I don't buy it. I don't fucking buy it. Everybody's got something.

All right? Hanging out with lepers and all of a sudden you can fucking trash America. You can jump on that fucking bandwagon. Huh? Why don't you go make somebody some cookies? Do what old women are supposed to be doing. All right? Sit there making cookies with Bill Withers grandma's hands playing in the background.

Okay, and until then, shut your face. This is what I like to do on my podcast. I like to trash dead saints. She is a saint. She'll become a saint. That's what the fuck she was trying to do. You know what it really was? She was a psycho who couldn't fucking, she couldn't sustain a relationship.

That's what it was. And she basically, you know, just being famous, which is what most Americans want, wasn't enough for her. She wanted to be fucking world famous. So she traveled all around the world. Oh, look at me. Look at me. Oh, there's some kids stuck in a mud puddle.

I'm pulling them out. I don't even care if my nun gown gets dirty. That's how fucking holy I am. Wait, did you run out of tape? Did you run out of tape in the camera? Let me pause and wait for you to film that. Put the kid back in the puddle. Spiritually fucking bankrupt.

You know, first of all, I don't need you to fucking tell me that, Mother Teresa. I know how fucked in the head I am. Okay? Sitting there acting like you're tapped into some sort of higher fucking power. You got a lot of fucking balls. A lot of fucking balls. Now that I'm down to the crust of my pizza, let me see if I can reboot this fucking thing.

You know what sucks? There's so many fucking great questions this week. So many great fucking emails. Wow, this thing is not even responding. This is just flatlining. You fucking cunt. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me.

Here it comes. It's coming back up. I know there's a lot of religious people listening to this shit going, well, you just trashed Mother Teresa. What the fuck was that? Okay, oh, here we go. See that? Now Mother Teresa was so fucking holy, the way I just trashed her, my computer wouldn't have rebooted.

Or maybe she's just being the model again. She's up in heaven. She's going, no, it's okay. It's okay. Let his computer work. I don't need your fucking help, Terry. All right, I know I'm eating. This is fucking really rude, but you know,

I have to carve up before I do these podcasts. They're so fucking long at this point. All right, whatever. Oh, here's one that someone actually sent me that I remember, you know, you know every week when I go on and on about how you should shop at mom and pop store, this girl brought this great fucking point. She's like, you know what? I've tried to go into those mom and pop places,

and a lot of times, you know, I can't even do this. I'm not going to paraphrase it, because it's such a fucking great slam on what the hell I said. I don't want to ruin it. All right. What can I talk to you guys about as I wait for my fucking ancient computer to boot up? Oh, here we go.

Oh, this is getting exciting. Mac OS 10. That's my operating system. You're still using that, man. I had that in like the fourth grade. Yeah. You're still a loser. All right.

What do you think about that? What do you fucking base your entire existence on your fucking operating system? You don't even have a camera on your computer? No, I don't. Yeah, you jerk off on the Internet. Okay. And someone in the Pentagon watched it.

So now you can never be president. What do you think about that? Because they had that clip. And if you do become president, you got to do everything they say, or they're going to take out a fucking video. Are you snapping it at 23 years of age? All right.

Come on. I really, you know, I don't know how long I can sustain this false anger as I wait for this shit. Have I seen any good movies? Oh, I was in Ogden, Utah this weekend. And I want to thank everybody who came out to Wives Guys in Ogden, Utah.

I had a great time. And it was one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been to in my life. Just unbelievable. I got up in the morning to go down and go do the radio. And I'm literally driving down the highway on the entire left-hand side

as I guess the Rocky Mountains. But they're like right there. And the sun is just coming up. It's on the other side of the mountain. So there's this orange glow outlining the top of the mountains, which have snow on them. And then below, at the foot of the mountains,

is the city with the lights of the city. It looked like a fucking postcard. It was unreal. You know? See that? I appreciated that. Mother Teresa, huh? You're going to criticize that?

You should not have bothered about the light of this city. This city is human. This is dirty. You should have just talked about nature. Is that what she sounded like? Did she ever even talk or did she sit there looking sad and judging the fucking media

who were filming her? She laid next to somebody with lupus. All right. Here we go. Podcast questions. I think I've trashed Mother Teresa long enough. I'm glad I did that. You know, I think it was long overdue.

Okay. All right. Eventually I'll get to that later. You know what? Why don't I just do the fucking questions here? All right. Oh, you know what? Here's one for you.

I was fucking coming out of the airport in Ogden, Utah, which is brutal this time of year, by the way. Okay. And I want to show you guys that I'm not afraid of technology, which people have really started to suggest because I'm so against those automated machines at the supermarkets.

But I don't mind them at the airport. I'm not going to lie to you. I really don't. Especially when you're in ski season in Ogden, fucking Utah and everybody in front of you is standing there with their fucking skis and an overnight bag. So, you know what I saw when I was there?

As I take another bite of pizza rudely. Hey, you know, why don't you go pay for a podcast? All right. What do you think about that? Go pay for a fucking podcast. I'm sure the host won't be eating. Don't get indignant with me. All right.

I'll fucking hang up on you right now. I'll leave you alone in your cubicle. Then what are you going to do, huh? It's right back to the spreadsheet, isn't it? No, I'll write that. You think about that. Anyways. Sorry.

I just had to give a shit as I finished that bite. So, I'm going through the airport in Ogden, Utah. Big, long fucking line. First of all, I cannot even begin to tell you how fucking white Utah is. It's unreal. I always hear my black friends telling shit a couple of times. They've gone back to app.

You know what? They've never said that. I'm actually thinking of a richer prior bit. Have I ever do that? Yeah, it was one of a friend of mine. Oh, wait a minute. It was someone famous who said that. Richard probably did that bit about going back to Africa,

how all of a sudden it was all black people, and it was beautiful, and all that type of stuff. I was always wondering what that thing's like. You know what? If you're white, go to Utah. You'll get that experience. It's fucking unbelievable. It's awesome.

It's just fucking wall-to-wall whitey. It's just, you know? And you feel real safe, and then you realize half of them are named Luke, and Mark, and John. All those biblical names, and then you're like, okay, I'm out of here. You know, and then you guys give 10% of your income to the Mormon church.

You know, I asked those people, like, who's the most famous Mormon? Who's the most, you know, the top Mormon out there, and somebody yelled out to Steve Young. I thought that was fucking hilarious. An entire relationship, an entire religion. You know what I mean? You'd think that they would pick somebody who,

I don't know, did some Mother Teresa shit, when they picked the fucking, the stand-in for Joe Montana. That fucking annoys me. I don't like Steve Young either. He went on and on about the Patriots' fucking cheating. I love how they keep, you know, people question the Patriots' Super Bowl victories because of that videotape thing, which I totally understand.

But nobody's questioning the New York Yankees, their last two fucking World Series victories, you know, when like three guys were on fucking Roy's. Remember Roger Clemens? How fucking Roy did up with that guy? He threw a ball through Mike Piazza's bat. The fucking bat end of it comes flying at him like 80 miles an hour.

He catches it bare-handed and then throws it at him. He was like the Hulk. And people, wow, he's amped up for the game. He was right out of his fucking tree. I'm telling you, one of these days I'm going to climb up on New York, the Yankee State, and I'm going to fucking erase those last two championships. And then they'll only have 24 and be still 200 ahead of the Red Sox. All right.

Sorry, I'm just killing time here. All right. Oh, anyway, so I'm going through the fucking airport. And this is what they end up. So there's this big long line of a bunch of Lawrence Welk looking white people. Everybody looks like they play like the trombone or some shit, right? And so they got this thing on the side. If you want to bypass, this is the new thing that they have in airports.

If you want to bypass the long lines in security, if you're not flying first class, if you're just some regular Joe who can't afford a first class fucking ticket and you don't want to stand in line, they got this great new piece of technology where all you got to do is just get fingerprinted and have your retina scanned. And you can go right by everybody. You know what I love about that? This one lady in front of me is like, well, is that how it works? Yeah.

That's great. That's great. You fucking idiot. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. And then everybody does it, right? And then you're standing in the fucking line again. And what's it going to be?

Huh? It's going to be a little bit quicker and now they have your fucking fingerprint. You're fingerprinted like you committed a felon. Whatever. What are you going to do? They're just going to give into it. And then I'll be the last guy not to give into it. And then you know what?

I'll be standing in the old school line by myself. You know? Then I'll be going quicker. Nah, it's not going to work out. It's kind of like the easy pass. Everybody eventually got the fucking easy pass. And then like nine out of ten lines and now I'll easy pass. And now I'm fucking sitting there with like nine guys.

People, don't get your fucking fingerprint taken to get on a goddamn plane and get your fucking retina scanned, okay? Jesus fucking Christ. Look, you're not doing anything wrong. I don't understand what the problem is. I'll see you in the FEMA camp. All right, question. Bill, hey Bill, how difficult was it to tell people you wanted to become a comedian

when you first started? What were some of the reactions? For me, it was like telling them you wanted to be a superhero. Was it the same for you? I got to tell you something. I did not even, I never told anybody, anybody that I was going to be a comedian. I didn't tell anybody I was even doing it. And I didn't let anybody even come and see me until I'd been doing it for well over a year.

Like it's always amazed me, the people who have the fucking balls, the first time they go on stage to do stand-up, setting yourself up for quite possibly one of the most humiliating things that could ever happen to you other than a fucking prison rape, which is basically to stand in front of a bunch of people and get booed off stage. Like their first time on stage, like they would bring the entire office, the people that they work with, to come down and see them. It's like how you can't see the possibilities.

It's like, dude, they don't ever think like, what if I fucking bomb and then I have to go back to work on Monday and no one's going to look me in the eye? You're actually going to ruin all their weekends because they're going to be sitting there worrying what the fuck they're going to say to you on Monday when they come in. But to answer your question, yeah, it's a very hard thing to do in a weird way. It's sort of like coming out, telling people you're gay, I guess. That doesn't make any fucking sense. I just know you're just kind of like, how am I going to tell my parents that all that money

was spent on college education and now I'm going to go on stage and talk about my dick. Yeah, it was very difficult, but my parents were unbelievably supported, thank God. And then within the first year, I told one of my close friends that I was doing it. But I didn't tell anybody else because I knew what they were going to come out and see you. No, you're not doing that. You're not doing that because I bomb horrifically one out of every four times at this point, and that's just too high a ratio. So, yeah, I waited a good year.

And even then, it was just a couple of people. So, oh, is that a good bite of pizza? This is really annoying. I'm sorry. Quattro fromage. So I can have a... That'd be great if I had a fucking heart attack right there in the middle of this podcast. Would you guys even know who to call? Would you help me out?

You probably wouldn't. You probably save it and try to put it on your website to be the first one. Comedian dies during free podcast. Wow, that would be hilarious. The first person I see is Mother Teresa, just looking at me. All right, Bill, next question. This is such a great question. Bill, is my ex-girlfriend the only con that assumes a breakup is an opportunity to make a fucking pen pal?

She writes once a month to let me know what's going on and ask how I'm doing. It's garbage. Who told this bitch that small talk via email starts when the fucking ends? The only note I want to see from this twat is a suicide note. Oh, god damn it, that fucking email made me laugh when I read that. Read it late last night. You guys, I'm telling you, everybody's stepping up their game here. The questions are getting better.

You guys are learning how to write. I'm going to be out of a fucking job here. Oh dude, you don't have to answer the emails. You sound like you're almost as angry as I am, so I'm going to try to go easy here and talk you off the ledge. It's not a bad thing. I mean, that kind of seems like you had a good breakup as she still wants to be friends with you and if you can kind of still be friends with them. You always got to watch out with women though. You always got to watch out because, you know, she might just be staying in contact with you.

So she can, you know, as she's asking how you're doing, subtly, you know, push those buttons in your head that she still remembers the combination to. And, you know, subtly let you know how good her life is going with the airline pilot that she's fucking now dating or something. You got to watch out for that shit. But if she's just being cool, she sounds like a, you know, cool person who maybe even once in a while you could, you know, maybe get a fucking hand job out of. All right, underrated. Van Halen's running with the devil. This is the same guy. He says underrated Van Halen running with the devil.

When I get my born again brother's answering machine, I always scream Jesus fucking Christ and she has goddamn phone. Then I sing running with the devil and laugh. Oh Jesus, you know, there's not enough people like this guy in the world. That's really fucking funny and I can't even read is overrated because he's trashing a comedian. I don't do that on here, but it was fucking hilarious. See what I did there? I probably shouldn't even said that. Now you fucking read it.

Go fuck yourself. I'm not doing that. I'm not getting involved in that biggie Tupac shit. All right, Bill, what's your best relationship? What was your best relationship? What was your worst? Jesus Christ. What was my best relationship?

Probably the one I'm in now. Because we can have knock down, drag it out fights and then the end will end up laughing occasionally. I would say that is the best one because when you're younger, you don't know how to be in a fucking relationship. You know what I'm saying? You just sit there and you, yeah. You know, for me anyways, you let the other person walk all over you and in your head you're like, I don't want to fucking do that. But then you're like, oh, keep it happy or it won't fuck me.

And then you just continue to lose ground. And I can admit, I had an argument the other day that it should have been recorded and transcribed and put into every men's magazine out there. It was just one of those fucking arguments, you know, where your girlfriend is in a bad fucking mood and or whatever thinks you did some shit and she's not thinking about the situation you're in. So she starts giving you shit. And, you know, for the first few minutes I took it like, what did I do? I didn't do nothing.

Typical moron guy before I finally flipped out. I seem distant. Yeah, I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere. I mean, Utah. Performing for a fucking goddamn Rednecks out here. Okay, I got up at eight in the fucking morning driving along these fucking mountains. Yeah, I'm a little distant. Okay?

What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? Leave me alone. Leave me alone. You're being a jerk. I'm watching the Bill Marsh show. Talk to you tomorrow and I hung up on her. That was it.

That was it. You know what, I actually started to tell that argument. I just sort of bailed on it because that's still too personal. All right. Bill, I recently moved from Michigan to go to grad school at UCLA. Oh, I like this email. This is another fucking great one. Here we go.

Bill. I recently moved from Michigan to go to grad school at UCLA. I haven't met one person that is worth my time in LA. Everyone is so fucking fake and thinks that I give a shit about how many calories they've eaten this week. I can't enjoy myself in the nice weather because I carry these wonderful Midwestern man boobs around with me while even the people that work at McDonald's have their shirts off showing off their abs.

Are there any cool places to go around LA? This is such a great email because this is what it feels like when you first move out to LA. Okay? You go with the usual criticism. Oh, my God. Everybody's so plastic. Everybody's so fake.

Everybody's so fake. But the reality is if you really read between the fucking lines, I don't think you have to with this email is when you move out here, you realize everybody isn't, you know, not everybody, but there's a lot of people who are in great fucking shape. And, you know, you can be a fat fucking Michigan and not even realize it. You know what I mean? Because you're just in the herd. You're just a bunch of buffaloes walking across the plane.

You don't know. Everybody's fake. But then you get out there, you know, you get so fucking freaked when you first get there that you actually invent shit that didn't happen. You know, everyone thinks I give a shit about how many calories they've eaten this week. I love that line because obviously no one came up and said, you know, I've had only 100 calories this week. It's just you start creating shit in your head, you know?

And like the people in McDonald's are in such good shape that, you know, to make the point you actually have to act like they took their shirts off, you know, which I know obviously you're exaggerating for effect. Unlike that douchebag who sent me the fucking thing about the fires out here. Relax, dude. What's going to happen is you're going to join a gym. Okay. You're going to let go of that.

You know, it's not minus 3000 degrees out, so actually somehow not living a full life. Relax. You join a gym. You're getting better shape. You learned about nutrition and all of a sudden you start feeling better. And then one day it's January and it's fucking 70 degrees out and one of your buddies calls from fucking back east and you just like, you want to be like, dude, you know, you don't have to live like that.

You really don't. So there's plenty of cool places to go around Hollywood. Now, if you want to don't go, you know, if you're in Hollywood on fucking sunset, you might as well be in Times Square in New York City. So there's plenty of cool places to go to out in LA. A lot of outdoor stuff. You could literally take up surfing, the fucking beaches, this shit. They got all these mountains around here where you can go hiking.

You got all that outdoor stuff where we'll just melt away those man boobs. Not to mention they got a bunch of hot broads out here. Yeah, they're a little plastic and fake down, but go down to like Hermosa Beach. Then they're just gorgeous and they're not trying to be an actress. And they got fucking tell me just just go to go down there. Okay. You're gonna have the usual fucking moron riffraff when you go down there on the beach. It's definitely the pit bull guys and the douchebags with their motorcycles and stuff.

But believe me, you know, I've seen Detroit, so you really shouldn't be bitching. I guess you wanted literally a list of cool places. I don't know if you've noticed the way I dressed. I'm not exactly a trend center. And I know where there's some cool bars, but I'm not going to say them over my podcast because I don't need 11 of my 14 listeners showing up ruining me, drowning my sorrows and my whiskey. Okay. All right.

Next one. Bill, love the podcast. Love you stand up. I've decided to follow your lead in the self checkout crusade. I no longer use them anymore because you said, because what you said makes sense to me. Jesus, thank God. I only got to some person. I'd like to offer you a deal though.

Since I've given up self checkout lanes at grocery stores, all I ask is that you look deeper into paying bills online. I've done it for years with no problems. I love it. I understand your concerns about it. So that's why I merely look. I say merely look into what into it with your bank. It's okay to be skeptical of technology, but don't be skeptical because it's technology. Have a great day.

All right. Well, that was my point earlier. You know, I'm not a hundred percent against technology. Obviously, I'm a big fan of penicillin. Loving the airplane. I'm not. I'm just like, my thing is I don't like technology where, you know, they're acting like it's making it easier. And what they're really doing is getting a ridiculous amount of personal information on me that they can then use for God knows what.

Fingerprinting me and scanning my retina at the fucking airport so I can get on a goddamn plane. I think it goes above and beyond. It goes above and beyond. And I know it can easily be explained away by the fucking tour to emails that I'm going to get. You know, and they're all going to be of the same ilk of trusting the psychopaths at the top of the heap. And I just don't. That's it. And as far as, you know, paying your bills online.

I mean, the only safety you have is that you, that a bunch of people do it and you're, you're stuck in, you're in the middle of the herd. You know, but if you get to the outside of the herd and you're that little fucking deer limping or that baby deer. Okay. You know, I don't know. You can do it. Do it if you want to do it. I'm just saying, I don't fucking trust it. I'm not going to put my bank account numbers on.

I was mainly talking about banking. I wasn't necessarily talking about paying bills, but even that shit. I just don't like doing it. You know, I don't like doing it. You can do it. Go for it. It's all for you. I don't know.

I like the old school. You know, I take out my checkbook. Nobody sees my account numbers. I put it in an envelope. Some guy at the post office fucking when no one's looking and opens it up, then he looks at it. Then he's got to do a whole bunch, you know, you know what I'm saying? All I got to worry about is the people at the post office. You know something?

I actually did a little research on this. I asked a buddy of mine who was a lawyer and I asked him, what is the number one way people get their identity stolen? And he said, people stealing your mail. And what did he put it? Misguided trust or something like that. Basically, you date some chick and she fucking, you know, you think that she's enjoying you as much as you're enjoying her. And she's really just say, oh, whatever, you know what I mean? Somebody at work, you leave your purse there or your wallet.

Bill, we know what misguided trust means. You don't need to explain it. All right, I'm sorry. So, you know, I get worried about that type of stuff. And I also, you know, the thing about doing banking online is I realize that every account is insured up to 100 grand. And I've heard rumors that they're going to bump it up. Somebody sent me an email that they're going to push it up to 250. But I don't know about you guys, but the last five years looking at how insurance companies handle claims and bankers,

those are like two of the most corrupt fucking people out there, insurance companies and bankers. And I'm not putting my faith in them, you know? I don't understand why people are still doing that. Like I said before, I don't know. I'm a paranoid psychopath and sometimes it hurts me in life. But a lot of times it helps me and I think this is going to help me. I'm not fucking banking online. You guys can do it.

You want to pay your bills online? You can do it. I'm not doing that either. And I'm not getting my fucking, I'm not getting fingerprinted and my retina scan to get on a fucking airplane. I'm not doing that either. And I'm not going to the grocery store, scanning my own fucking food and bagging my own groceries under the guise that it's quicker and easier. It isn't. It's a lot easier for me to just stand there with my hands in my fucking pocket and have someone else do it for free.

All right. That's all I'm saying. So I'm sick of arguing this point. If you want to use the automated fucking grocery store thing, by all means go ahead and do it. If you want to bank online, pay your bills by all means, go ahead and do it. If you want to get your fucking retina scan to be fingerprinted, I'm not saying don't do this shit. I'm saying, I guess I do say don't do it. But I think I say please.

Don't I? I don't know, whatever. You want to do it? Go ahead and fucking do it. You know, just know that I'll be sitting there thinking that you're a moron. Okay. And if you can handle that, then that's a great, that's, you know, you'll be building yourself up spiritually. Why should you care what I think?

All right. A long time ago, I talked about what was the sweet spot in history? You know what I mean? Like living in this country, like what was perfect? You know, I'm looking at, you know, some people who are really old. You know, if you're in your 80s or your 90s, you still had to live through the fucking depression, the dust bowl, all the wars. And I was trying to think what the sweet spot was. And I don't know.

I was trying to think, you know, maybe if you just missed World War II, if you had flat feet, you didn't have to go to Korea and then you were too old for Vietnam. I don't know. I look at a lot of it like cars and sports. So I want to be alive when sports weren't segregated, you know? So I could see the Lebrons and that type of shit. But I also want to live when the fucking cars were the shit. And for me, that's the 40s, 50s and 60s. So I guess the first year I would have to sit through, you know, all white people playing all sports.

But as long as I didn't know what black people look like playing sports, would I know that it sucked? You know what I mean? It's kind of like when I first was a kid. I used to listen to Mitch Miller records. I didn't know any better. I didn't know Led Zeppelin existed. And then I found out they stole their first two albums. Okay, we're going to get into that again.

Bill, shut the fuck up. All right, so this person is basically weighing in what they think is the best period. The sweet spot where you could come of age, live a good life, have a nice car, and not have to deal with these scary fucking times that we're living in right now. Hey Bill, about six months ago you were talking about the sweet spot in America. I couldn't decide on when, or you couldn't. You said, well today I was watching Dazed and Confused, you know, that movie there. And I think it's, I think the sweet spot is a senior in high school in the 1970s when the meatball Mike Lowell over the Green Monster sweet spot on the bat of American, oh, I read that wrong, of course, because I suck at reading. He said, I think a senior in the 1970s was the meatball Mike Lowell over the Green Monster sweet spot on the bat of American history.

You're out of wars, and all that bullshit, but it's before global warming, population crisis, crystal meth, hyperinflation, steroids, and George Bush. Sure, we wouldn't have toys like the Internet and the iPod, but I'm 20 now, and I'll gladly give up all the achievements to go back, I just fucking lost where I was in this. I'm such a bad, out loud reader. All the achievements to go back to the 70s, rocking a mullet, speeding around in a caprice, not giving a fuck, unaware that fossil fuels are exhaustible, smoking weed out of those cheats and chung, poorly rolled joints. Back when weed wasn't laced with amphetamines and habits forming. Well, I mean, they did have a gas crisis in the early 70s, but yeah, I know what you mean. That is a great fucking time. Yeah, not wearing a condom.

That's another great point. Morning after pills and penicillin. Have a nice day. See you guys. You guys are all making great points this week, really well written. If I could just fucking read it, I'd have to agree with that. Because then, you know, what else is great is if you came in the 70s, if you were senior in the 70s, you could also pick up a muscle car at that point, you know, be 10 years old. You could probably get it for nothing, you know, because people didn't realize that fucking all these goddamn nerds were going to come around and ruin it.

Bloody off restoration. All original. It's got the original radio. Yeah, it's $170,000. I mean, that's a hemium there. You realize that? You haven't seen those fucking people. You know, I think those are bad.

The only one who can afford those is a bankrupt, right? Doctor with some shit. Who can afford to fucking pay $150,000 for a goddamn Mustang? I don't make them like this anymore. All right, douchebag of the week. I already did this. Would you like to hear my snarky email back to him? Why yes, I actually do believe the trees just explode and fires only burn brown shit.

I've never heard of this cigarette lit cigarette phenomenon that you speak of. Could you elaborate? That's what, uh, that was a tone I took with them. God, I'm so stupid. Thank you for putting me in my place. It's amazing that you caught that. I recorded 50 minutes of ridiculous statements last week, none of which were meant to be taken seriously except for the part about the fires. I was by no means deliberately saying ignorant things in order to give someone a laugh.

I truly believed every word of the fire state of the union address. Thank God you let me know both the serious, serious nature and the cause of fire. Fires just don't happen. I've got to commit that to memory. I will make sure to detract my statements next week, which I didn't. I actually just created douchebag of the week. Before I know that person was just trying to be sarcastic back to me and I misread it. Maybe that's what it was.

Um, all right, and here's some information. Um, you know, I say a lot of shit that, you know, evidently, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I was just bitching about muscle cars being overpriced. I also talked about vintage guitars. You know, they have some Fender Stratt with Johnny Rotten snot on the fucking fretboard and it gets 50 grand now. And this guy is saying, you're complaining about the cost of vintage guitar guitars is largely unfounded. I'm going to stop right there, sir, and let you know that most of my opinions are largely unfounded. That should be the name of my next special, largely unfounded, specifically in the case of both Fender and Gibson,

the two companies you cited in your rant, where the quality of their production line took a huge nosedive from the mid-80s up until the last two years or so, switching to oversee workers for the bulk of their production using cheaper wood, paint, electronics, overall craftsmanship, et cetera, have all added to the embarrassingly low quality of most instruments on the market today. I'm definitely with you on muscle cars being overrated, but any Gibson and or Fender model made before 1978 is well worth a decent chunk of change. All right, great fucking points putting me in my place. Yeah, it's like, my thoughts on that are way beyond largely unfounded. I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm just equating it to like the housing market where if you bought a house 10 years ago, that was a great thing to do.

But if you bought one fucking three years ago or an apartment like I did, you're a fucking moron. And what I'm saying right now is I think once everybody is aware that how much something is worth and that it's going to be, you know, worth a lot of money in the future, I really feel like nine times out of 10. Once it's exposed, like you want to be buying those guitars 20, 10, 20 years ago. When nobody realized no one really thought about how much they were going to be worth because then you could get them for nothing. You know what I mean? But now you're paying top dollar. I mean, you're paying 50 grand for a fender fucking shred.

I mean, is it going to be worth 100 in three years? I mean, I don't know. I don't understand that. And it's kind of like houses, right? I bought mine. I bought an apartment at the peak of this shit. I bet it's not even worth two thirds of what the fuck I pay for. And now it's all coming down.

That's all I'm saying. I think that's what I'm saying. Maybe I'm trying to worm out of it because you so totally fucking nailed me to the floor on that one. All right. You know what? I can't argue all you guys. At some point I have to admit I don't know what the fuck I'm talking. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I'm a goddamn comedian. I just look at a guitar and I'm like, yeah, it sounds good, but, you know, it's fucking kind of scuffed up. You know, you'd think for fucking the 50 grand it wouldn't be so scuffy. That's all I'm saying. Speaking of which, this is the last thing I'm going to say and then I got to wrap up this podcast at 45 minutes is I went to, I took a drive down the street the other day and I swear to God, yesterday, Sunday, out here in LA in a three mile stretch driving over to the highway. I saw 14 open houses.

I've never seen anything like this in my fucking life. And I don't know. And then for some reason you can also get, can somebody explain this to me? Why does all these houses for sale? I understand why all the houses for sale. I get that. Okay. But what I don't understand is why you can also get a great deal on rent out here.

I would think that all those people, obviously they're leaving their houses that would cause the rental, the amount of rental units to go down because people who are living in houses that they air quote owned would then be now looking to rent and then rents would be going up, but it's the reverse out here. So the only thing I can guess is that people are leaving Los Angeles. They just saying, fuck it. You know, I don't know. I don't fucking know. Is it like that where you guys are at?

Are there a bunch of open houses? I mean, this guy told me yesterday was trying to say that they're out here. They're giving your first, he found a place they're giving the first month for free and you're getting a fucking iPod. And I actually thought like, that's a great deal. I'm going to go do that. I'm like, wait a minute. It's going to cost me twice that to fucking pack all my shit up and move. Why don't I just go buy an iPod and stay where I'm at?

See that? I'm not always a moron, right? All right. This was a really weird podcast. I understand that. But, um, oh, before I, before I step away here from the phone and get on with my goddamn day, I want to let you guys know that the contest winners, the birds are away. I send out the DVDs so I don't have to worry about being called.

At least I sent two out of three of them. One person I'm still waiting for you to email me back. And you know who you are. You're the guy who drove up to me when I was in Houston, Texas, outside the bar, freaked me out, and handed your prostate exam manuscript. I still need your, uh, your address so I can send you a DVD. All right. And, uh, and that's basically it.

And, uh, what do I got going on this week? This week, uh, for all you people in Los Angeles, I am going to be doing a benefit down at the comedy store tomorrow night, uh, Tuesday, February, uh, 24th. I think I got the flyer right here on my desk. Huh? See what I got here? Wait, no, wait. It's on the 26th.

See that? I almost hyped the wrong date. I'm a f-wait a minute. Then I canceled that other gig. I could have done the other gig. All right. February 26th. I'm going to be at the comedy store.

I mean, it's a benefit for world hunger. It's going to be me, Kevin Nieland, Jeff Richards, and a bunch of other hilarious fucking people. You look like I built myself first there, the egomaniac that I am. Why won't I say Kevin Nieland first? He's actually famous and is on that great, great show, The Weeds. I just fucking banged my head in this goddamn, I got this room in my fucking apartment where you're supposed to have, like, they have this, this, this goddamn iron chandelier. All right.

That's hanging from the ceiling. And I don't know what it is. I'm about 5'10", and this thing hits me right in the center of my forehead. So it's probably hanging about 5'8", all right? I'm supposed to have a table underneath it. I'm supposed to sit at either end of it, you know? I guess. Can you please pass the piece?

But I don't. I use this as a fucking room. I got my desk up against the wall. So now I have this fucking light. Ugh. Fucking three days. I banged my forehead on it. I'm going to have a forehead like Superfly Snooker.

All right. That really hurt. That's one of those ones where you hit your head so hard that, like, only one of your eyes starts tearing up. You know, your teeth fucking slam together. Okay. Regrouping. Anyway, so I want to thank everybody for coming out to my show out in Ogden, Utah.

I know I called you a bunch of rednecks or whatever, but I had a great time out there, and I will definitely be back because it's an awesome club. Wives Guys is a great club, and the fans were great out there, and it's only a fucking two-hour flight. So that is just game set and match. I will definitely be there. And for all you people who don't live in these areas, let's see. Where the fuck am I going to be coming up?

The next gig I have is the end of March. I'm actually taking a little bit of time off out here as I'm working on some stuff, some LA stuff. I'm going to be at the House of Comedy in St. Louis, the end of March, and I'm going to be at the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago the first Friday in April. I don't have my laptop in front of me. And I think on April 4th, I'm going to be at the North and the Trump Marina. It's all on my website, okay?

You're probably looking at the dates right now, and I'm fucking everything up. In Ohio, I have coming up, Tempe, Arizona, and I'm working on a couple other things, possibly a San Francisco date, a one-nighter on a Monday night. I'm working on doing something like that, and that's the deal. But I really, you know, I'm blown away seriously. No more podcasts. This is serious, Bill. You know how Jerry Lewis can be silly, and then sometimes serious?

I'm being serious Jerry Lewis. Serious Jerry Lewis. That's hard to say. Serious Jerry Lewis right now, where I really want to thank you. I'm really blown away by the amount of people who are coming out to my shows, and I'm having some of the best shows in my life, because I'm actually absolutely thrilled by the amount of people who are coming out to see me, and I got a whole new hour of shit for you.

So please come out to my shows. If you can't make it, you still got the podcast. Have a good week. Don't get yourself fingerprinted or you're retina scan. Please don't do that shit, okay? Read 1984, even though it's fiction. That's my Bible, because I'm a psycho. Don't fucking listen to me, all right?

Ah, that's it. All right, you guys, have a good week, and I will talk to you next Monday. All right? Take it easy. Thank you. Bye.