Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-22

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

Bill rambles about America, boomer names, and his dream retirement home. Switch to sustainable products for every room in your home – from laundry care to hand soaps and more.  Grove Co. has you covered with safe formulas and refillable packaging that never compromise on performance.  Go to Gove.com.BURR today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order. Shipping is fast and free.

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Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon

just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Why are you checking in on me, Bill? Is it because you care? Or are you just pretending to care? So I'll listen and then I'll go out and buy a fucking comfortable mattress that advertises on your podcast.

Hey, you got me. No, you know what I do? I care on a human to human level. You know, I never really made up my mind how I feel about humans in general. But let me pontificate on that fucking idea. I'll tell you this as far as human to humans. I don't understand why John Howard

got anything other than a chuckle from the fucking sports media. I just do not understand. When I was growing up, you could do that and it was not even a suspension. I don't even... Hey, just a... John Howard just threw a punch.

He didn't, he fucking threw a half ass slap in a crowd. And some kid in the prime of his life who plays a non-contact sport got hit in the head. He's going to be fine. Everybody's fine. He's got a little heated.

And like usual, the little fella there running his fucking yap who called a cunt-y timeout, didn't substitute or anything, just to be a Big Ten cunt. All right? Just to be a cunt was about to get the slap that he needed.

I'm telling you, in that moment, you see why the world is so disrespectful. People would say, yes, a grown man resorting to violence. How could he resort to violence as they sit there and they talk about us doing shit to Russia who are going to do some shit to Ukrainians?

But that's all fine because that's war. You can drop bombs and blow up babies and shit trying to get the fucking evil bearded guy you're going after. But if you kill some babies along the way, that's fine. But if John Howard tries to slap some snarky little cunt in the head

and deserved it. All right? John was fucking heated. He tried to walk away. All right, but then he's got to do the handshake line and it was just like, I'm not shaking your hand because you're acting like a bitch and you do not deserve my respect as a man.

That's all he was trying to do. So what does the little housewife do in Wisconsin? He starts running his fucking yap, yelling at a guy who's like what, 6'11"? Yelling at a guy 6'11", like he would ever do this in a bar.

All right? Then what happens? The little fella gets the big fella mad. The big fella starts swinging. Some innocent guy on the other side takes a fucking slap to the head. Okay? And that's what he gets

for fucking getting involved. I've been in enough bars to know to mind your own business. And Joanne calls off and he gets a half a slap. If Joanne really wanted to fucking slap, he would have knocked down a whole row of college students. That's what he would have done.

It was a half a fucking slap for the half a fucking douche who was running his yap like he could kick Joanne's ass. And I really think that, you know, if there wasn't so many places to distract people like podcast, I'm part of the problem.

They got to sensationalize everything. I mean, that's, that's, that's not, that should be settled between the two of them the next time they fucking play one another. They call each other up or whatever the fuck. Somebody buys somebody a beer and that's it, you know? This just did a controversy at the end of the Wolverines Badgers game.

That's it. Me want tensions rising, tensions rising over in Ukraine, 100,000 troops over Russia. That's all fine. That's all fucking fine. You know what? We're going to come walking over there like that kid who got smacked by fucking

Joanne and we're going to go over there. I mean, how many times, you know, you know, enough with the away games here. And if elected. I don't know why we just don't, you know, just pull it all back. Just pull it all back. You know,

turn all the bases into daycare centers. Let these people who want to take over the world try and take over the world. What are they going to do to us? What are they going to do? We got all the grain we need. We got waffle houses. We have nuclear weapons.

Right? Fire up the steel mills again. In Pittsburgh, knock down the walls. Not the walls, the malls in Pittsburgh. You just get it going again. I liked where we were. You know, between World War One and World War Two, where everybody's just like,

why don't we just fucking mine our own business over here? You know, a couple of drunks rolling around on the floor. What the fuck are you going to get in the middle of that for? You know why? We're going over there. Because they got some shit in the ground that you can turn into a battery to stick at the bottom of a Tesla.

And then they pretend that they care about the people. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Get off, you fucking, you fucking liberal stump here. I'm kind of all over the map. You know? Of course, I'm being like, hey, man, like, why is war legal, man? What about the people, man?

And at the same time, I don't have a problem with the 6-Eleven man slapping the shit out of a guy who's probably taller than me, but doesn't look at next to a 6-Eleven guy. Hey, shut up, you know. They should have cleared out. They should have had a slap fight right at center court.

You know? That should be the coach's option. And what should happen is, you know, the team's going into the fucking locker room, the stadium empties out, and when the game's over, the two coaches come back out,

and if they're still mad enough in the empty arena with nobody watching, nothing recorded, no video, they just settle it. They just slap the shit out of each other until they get it out of their system, and they go, all right, that's fine. They leave.

Hey, by the way, I just tweeted this. I just found a fucking gem, you know. So I mentioned the great Clark Gillies pass, so I've been, you know, watching all of his videos and stuff. Truly, one of the toughest guys who ever played the game, and just an incredible teammate

and all that part of all of those great Islander teams that won four in a row. So, you know, there's a fight that he had. One of his famous ones, where he goes at it, I forget what team the guy played for, or was playing for at the time, but what was it?

Eddie Hospidar, Boxcar Hospidar, right? So, that guy's kind of famous because when he fought Clark Gillies, Clark caught him with like a straight left or a straight right, and then when Eddie ducked his head down, like Gillies timed the uppercut perfectly,

and he just dropped. I mean, it would have dropped anybody, but of course, you know, hockey fans, so many of them, never had a fight in their life. Gotta be like, oh, fucking guy got, you know, whatever. Anyway, so I'm going like, Boxcar Hospidar, now there's no fucking way this guy got a nickname like this,

and all he ever did was lose to Clark Gillies. So I started watching this guy's fights. No fucking joke, this dude. Living up to the name, and lo and behold, November 27th, 1987, one of my new favorite enforcers of all time, Eddie Boxcar Hospidar fucking drops off Samuelson.

Hospidar was playing for the Sabres, and Samuelson was playing for the Whalers, and I think the announcers were saying that Ulf was sort of the new young enforcer on the Whalers and took Eddie's job. So Eddie was like, all right, and they see stayed in the Adams division, and went out there and got the best of their new younger,

I guess what they thought was going to be more improved enforcer. And as a Bruins fan, it's always great to see Ulf get this shit kicked out of him. And it was nice to actually see him drop the gloves. Ha ha ha ha ha. Supposed to Turtling. Yes, I will never get over that. All right, anyway.

So there you go, just like that. Just like that, running my yap. No facts. No facts, just momentum. Celebrating. Uh, oh my God, I've been podcasting for 15 years. This, is that right? Holy shit, 15 years in June.

I'll have been podcasting. And I have 30 years in standup. On March 2nd. And I gotta tell you, man, I'm near in the end here. Ha ha ha ha. Not of my life, but I swear to God, man. There's a level of busy that you get where you're just like, I think I just want to go to a soda fountain with a bunch of old people

and read a newspaper and have a fucking root beer float. I think that that's what I thought I wanted in Infinity Pool. I don't think I want that anymore. I think I want an afternoon off. A local newspaper. Just read about Scuttle Butt. I don't want to, I don't, you know what? I think that that's the way to go.

I don't want to hear, I don't want to fucking hear about all this international fucking horrible shit that corporations are doing. You know, and power and natural resources and the fucking ocean and all that. You know what I need at this point? I want Scuttle Butt. I want to know what the fucking Ethels.

There's no Ethels left. You know what's funny? Baby Boomer names, I'd better like to young people are like, you know, when I was a kid like Hazel, Ethel, Blanche, those are old people names. Old lady names now. Let's see. Wild fashion names are popular. Oh, because that's what what else would hipsters be doing,

but fucking living a century ago. Old, I should talk. I love fucking dive bars and fucking defunct sports franchises. Old ladies names. 100 sweet old ladies names rooted in tradition. No, 30 chic vintage old lady names. No. All right, I got a baby boom.

A popular baby boomer girl names is what I got to check. Baby Boomer girl names popular. All right, let's see what they were. Judy, Caroline, Margaret, Janet. These are all going to be old ladies now. Like when the young comics make fun of an old lady where I used to be like, okay, you know, easy there, Ebenezer, you know.

All right, they're gladdice, right? They're going to be sitting there going, okay, okay, okay, Janet. Okay, okay, I think it's bedtime, Susan. More items, let's see here. A Chicago tribute. All of these fucking newspapers. It's like, when are they going to learn

nobody's going to fucking subscribe to you online? It's over, okay? The readers make the news now. We just make shit up. That's it. And people, you know what? I guess podcasts, this is all fucking Scuttlepot, right? Top names of the 1960s.

All right, this is when I was born. Let's see what we got here. There's going to be a lot of Bob's, Bill's, Mike's, here we go. Michael was number one. Number one name for a lady was Lisa. David, John, James, Robert, there's Bobby. Mark, William, Billy, Richard,

Thomas, Jeffrey, Stephen, Joseph, Timothy, Kevin, Scott, Brian, Charles, Paul, Daniel. I had all friends named that. I knew like five Michaels, about five Davids, a bunch of Johns, a couple of James. You go by James, you go by Jimmy. A bunch of Bob's, a bunch of Mark's, Richard's, Dickie,

Tom's, a bunch of Tom's. Not a lot of Jeffs. There were some Jeffs, not a lot of Jeffs. A lot of Stevens, Joseph, could be Joey, Timmy's, Kevin's, and then let's see here. Lisa, Mary, Susan, Karen. That name's going to go away. Kimberly, Patricia.

A lot of Patricia's. Linda's, Donna, Michelle, Cynthia, Debra. A lot of Debra's. Debra's were always fun. Debra's were fun. Susan's were fun. Sharon, Nancy. Let's go back a few years before that.

Popular baby names for the 1940s. This is when it's going to start getting a little weird. Let's see. Oh, these aren't bad. Carol, Sandra, Sharon, Judith, Susan. Classic name, Michael. Was there Michael in the Bible? And Jesus said to Mikey,

Dude, you want to split a steak and cheese? Baby boomers' names getting old. Gender-bending names are in. Yeah. I don't know. I could have told you that a long time ago. All these fucking kids you meet nowadays. I'm so bad at remembering names,

but now like every kid, like you'll meet someone, not every kid, but there's a lot of kids you meet them. It's just like I've never met whatever name you just said that I now forget. I'm never going to fucking remember that. I've been at that age for a long time now. Where you, as you introduce me, I've already forgot what your name started with.

Even if it's a three-syllable name. My name is Jessica. By the time you get to Ka, I've already forgot what the beginning of it was. Ka, was that Kar? Karra, Karen? Charity. All right.

So Billy No Sticks. Billy No Sticks. All right. You guys guilted me. You fucking guilted me. Billy No Sticks for fucking 10 days. Cutting it down. Not quitting.

Cutting it down. And I will, I will continue to talk about it. Okay. These fucking assholes in AA, they go down there. They've been sober like 20 years. They're still talking about it. I can tell you this.

So Briety is boring as shit. Is that boring as shit? It's just, I think I'm too childish for it. It takes a fucking adult. It really does to be sober. You really have to be a goddamn adult. Like I had a long, I had a long fucking day. I had a long fucking day.

Let me listen. I don't take ditches. Okay. I don't plumb sinks. I don't, I don't stand out in the middle of the street with my back to traffic looking into a fucking tripod. Surveying. I don't go down in those fucking manholes.

I don't roof. I don't do any of that shit. You know, I do all day, I think, just have to fucking think and solve. So I can figure out how I can get this person to have the pie hit them in the face and it's going to, it's going to read. And you know, I'm not Billy big brain.

Okay. I'm talking mid-sized brain up there. And yeah, you know, you get a little tired. And what happens is people keep talking and all I just start think of, of like, maybe great to just tap out right now. You know, take something, drink something, smoke something that would just take me

to a mindset far, far away. Wouldn't that be fantastic? That, that is the solution. What kind of a sadistic God is, is there that we can't just all go around and just get fucked up and have a good time that it makes you be a fat fuck and die younger? You know what I mean?

You sit around eating fucking mushy peas and shit and couscous. You live to India 90s. You know what they reminded me one time, I remember hearing this fucking guy, he was drinking one of those giant fucking cheap ass jugs of wine every day. His health was bad, had fucking diabetes

and all of that shit. And his friends would always come by and be like, you know, you gotta stop, you gotta blah, blah, blah, you gotta fuck it. You know, you got so much to live for and the guy was just like, listen, I'm good, I'm enjoying myself. You know?

Just, this is how I want to go out. Let's see here. I'm not going to say who the athlete's name is. Oh boy, last I heard he was on up. No. Last I heard, this athlete was just hanging out on his front porch. He lived down south, you know?

And he was living that Charlie Daniels song. He just leaves his long-haired country boy alone, you know? I get drunk in the morning, I get stoned in the morning, get drunk in the afternoon. He was just doing that, which sounded, if you could just get past all the people you hurt

by doing that. It sounded fucking awesome. So last I heard he was just going to sort of drink and smoke himself to death on his front porch and just wanted to be left alone. And now I'm doing an update. He's in an assisted living facility. He mainly gets around via wheelchair or a walker.

When he fills up to it, those days are rare. I don't know. They should have like two different kinds of assisted living facilities. You know, those for people who want to keep living and those who just want to have a good time. You know? And you come in, there's like a humidor. Bill, who's kidding who?

You're designing your own assisted living facility. All right, let's do this on the podcast. This is what my dream assisted living facility is. Am I creating a reality show right now? They're always going up to people in their 20s and fixing up their cars and shit and giving them fucking, you know, tummy tucks or whatever the fuck they do for young people.

What about old people? They should go in and you should get that. Who was that guy from that 70s? Ashton Kutcher should fucking... No, he did, he did punked. Who's the guy who did, uh, uh, pimp my ride? Ah, fuck, what was his name? The rapper. I used to love that guy.

He would just fucking laugh at your car. What the fuck was his name? That old pimp my... I've watched like every episode. Pimp my ride, host. Exhibit. They should get exhibit. Just hear me honest. Get him to do like a pimp my assisted living facility.

And he comes in and he just, he laughs at your fucking tub. That has a door on it. You can make fun that you haul it out a UPS truck to turn it into your fucking tub slash shower. Uh, you know, I've never seen a jacuzzi with a fucking chair in it. Um, shit like that, right? He could fucking crack on all the old people.

And then he comes in and he just fucking puts a bar in. Get some nice big flat screen TV. Dude, I gotta tell you something. The way that we're handling old people and veterans, you know, while you're in active military, they'll let you run out on the fucking football field on an NFL game carrying the flag. And then the second you don't re-up,

they don't give a shit if you live under a bridge. Um, ah, that's depressing. You know what? If I was, okay, so my, my dream, assistive authority. All right. I had to have a humidor. All right.

I'd have a soda fountain. I'd do all that old people shit. I'd eat like grilled cheese sandwiches and tuna milk. I don't like a tuna milk. It always makes me sick to my stomach. Uh, we'll go grilled cheese sandwiches. You know, uh,

it's a fucking old person salad, whatever it is. It's like Italian dressing on it. So it's not even healthy. We have what I got. Humidor. I got root beer floats. What the fuck else do I need?

Yeah, just like a TV and a bed and all the sports packages. That's it. Little refrigerator. Got some beers in there. Right. And then every once in a while, they come by, you know,

when I want to go to bed at night, they just come by with a couple of edibles. This is an assistive, I mean, this is to me, like if this was what heaven was, and the heaven was be, you didn't have to pay for any of that. You know, you're still considered a good father

or a good husband. He didn't get fat. Can you imagine that? I mean, that's fucking heaven right there. You could just fucking eat ice cream and grilled cheese sandwiches, smoke a cigar, have some bourbon, and then somebody comes by

with whatever your drug of choice is in that little white cup like they had, the paper cup like they had in fucking one flu over the cuckoo's nest. And you take it, you feel great, and you don't, you don't hurt anybody. Would be fucking phenomenal. But you can't do that.

You gotta eat kale salad and drink plenty of water. I'll tell you what, my drug is eight hours sleep. That's what I say now. If you give me eight hours sleep, oh, I'm ready to take on the fucking world. All right, let me do the podcast. This is what happens when I get too fucking busy.

I literally, I don't know what it is. I think about retiring and drinking myself to death. I don't know, I'm not gonna do it. But I don't know why. That's why I have to watch out because that's how my brain fucking works. I go to the end. All right?

I can't just perform at, you know, in one state I have to go to all 50. Then I have to go to Canada. I can't just go to Canada. I have to go to all the province. I gotta go to all the fucking continents. Lunatic, fucking lunatic. All right.

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I want like in like three, you know, whatever, by 2050, hipsters to be into plastic because they don't make it anymore. And of course there's all these negative people. Yeah, that's it. You surely suppose you cut down trees again? No. Just let mother nature do her job.

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Plus shipping is fast and free. Get started right now at grove.com slash burr. grove.com slash burr. grove.com slash burr. grove.com slash burr. Well, there you go. After all my craziness that I was talking about, that was actually something uplifting.

Anything underrated, people creating companies that are at least making a fucking effort to try to turn this ship around for all the young people, you know? Fucking amazing. You know, we could have learned a thing or two from the people that were living here first. They had the right idea.

You know what I mean? I mean, think about it. You probably didn't live as long. Okay, if you lived like Native Americans, Indians, whatever you're supposed to say. Maybe you didn't live as long. Maybe you only lived until your 50s. But look at this.

You fucking... You got your own horse, right? Right off the bat, it's cool. Okay, there's no GMOs in your food. Nobody really telling you when to get up. And as long as you scored on a big hunt the day before, you could fucking chill for the week. Every time you fucking killed something huge

and everybody got to eat, you could like chill for a week. I remember reading that, that there was a lot of downtime as a caveman. You know, way more than we have now. I don't think cavemen would like rise and grind. Well, maybe not cavemen were. Rise and don't get eaten. But how much

leaves your time before modern society? Leisure time and mononono. How much leisure time do the happiest people have? Let's see here. Let's just go to this. I'm too lazy to figure out what I really wanted to get the answer to. Too little and people tend to get stressed.

Yeah, that's probably why you think about, I just sold everything and moved to Wyoming. Too much and people tend to feel idle. Okay, too little. People tend to get stressed too much and people tend to feel idle. Well, that's another thing too, right? Sitting around too much. I said that me during the pandemic, all of a sudden you're like,

Bill, why don't you go get some ice cream sandwiches? I'm not reading all of this shit. All right, I'm going to close on this before I wrap it up here and we get to listen to a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, Monday podcast. I got to say condolences rest in peace to one of my favorite comics when I was coming up and I always watched them on TV. It was absolutely hilarious.

The amazing Jonathan passed away at just 63 years of age and one of the most unique stand-up comedians I've ever seen, he was the guy before he came along like magic was corny and he brought this fucking rock star vibe to it. He made fun of magic while he did cool magic tricks, called himself the Freddy Krueger of comedy and a buddy of mine, Steve Byrne, made this wonderful documentary about him and he was actually the guy that let me know that he passed this morning

and he was also the guy that was nice enough to set me up on a little Zoom call to call him just a few days ago and I had never met the guy and Steve found out, Steve knew I was a fan of his and he found out that he liked some of my stuff too and I got on the, you know, got to do a FaceTime call with him and the whole time I was like, I can't believe I'm talking to the amazing Jonathan. Like this is the fucking guy like I used to be like, you know, back in the stand-up 80s, the boom, when anytime there was a comedy on the road or an evening at the improv,

like he did all of those shows and I remember being so fucking excited when he was going to be on and he always killed, always made me laugh, the next day at school, all my friends that were into comedy or when I was working in the warehouse were all quoting his jokes. I got to talk to him and he was, you know, making me laugh and he was that close to the end and that's just, you know, seemed like the kind of guy he was so thank you to Steve Byrne for giving me that moment with one of my idols and yeah, I wish I got to work with them, I wish I got to know him more

and all that, our paths just didn't cross but I always, always was a huge fan of his and I can tell you this on that Zoom call, he had me dying laughing, he was just fucking hilarious, he was like, you know, mocking his own death, just joking about, joking around that he was towards the end, man, just really a hilarious, hilarious dude. So, rest in peace to him, please go on, you know, go on YouTube, check him out. If you're into comedy, you should know about the guy. Let me see, what was the name of the amazing Jonathan documentary that Steve Byrne, one of the most big-hearted guys in the business, always amazing, came out in 2018.

Look at that, three and a half out of four stars, right? Yep, is that right? My fucking eyes are going here, yeah, three and a half out of four stars, it's a fucking great documentary. You should definitely know about the guy, so rest in peace and thank you for all the laughs and thanks for inspiring me to become a comedian. The amazing Jonathan, rest in peace. Alright, that is the podcast everybody.

Yeah, listen to the music picked out by Andrew Thamelis and we have a bonus half hour episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 24th, 2014. How the hell are you? How's it going? Oh, really? Well, that's good. I'm back in Los Angeles, saw my wife, saw my dog, I'm in a great mood.

Another trip, another trip across the country. You know, when I land and I get off the plane and what do I see? I'm getting a bunch of shit from all the Canada cunts up north. I gotta ask you, why the fuck does this always happen to me as a sports fan? Anytime I suffer a tragic loss as a sports fan, if I'm not already in the area of the victorious fans, I'm going there the following week. You guys, longtime listeners of this podcast might remember back when the Jets were good, you know, when they spent all that money that one year when they lifted the salary cap

and they fucking loaded up and they were making their run. You know, when they beat us the first time and all the Jets fans were talking shit, and then they came up to Foxboro for Game 2 and got absolutely ass-raped on national television. Absolutely fucking ass-raped. So, the playoff game comes, playoffs, playoff game comes around. Who knows which way it's gonna go? Division rivalry, you never know. Sometimes they go every other, sometimes somebody wins 2-3 in a row,

then the other team wins 3-3 in a row. Who the fuck knows, right? Either way, where the fuck am I when that game happens? I'm in Atlantic City, New Jersey on Jim Norton's anti-social network tour. Right? So now I'm sitting there and I'm so focused on the game, I'm not even thinking, I'm just thinking, Jesus Christ, I'm in fucking New Jersey. They gotta win. If they don't win, I'm gonna be getting shit before I even hit the mic. Of course, they lose. Brady throws arguably the worst pass of his career. That screen pass.

Well, he just went, whee, I didn't know what the fuck it was. Lobbed it up, it got away from him and we never recovered. And they also benched Wes Welker for making fun of Rex Ryan, you know, because he had a foot fetish. You know, it's just unbelievable. So whatever, Jesus, I'm going through the pain of that loss again. And where the fuck am I? I'm in Atlantic goddamn city, New Jersey, right? So now what? Okay, we got Olympic hockey coming up. I'm one of the few people in this country that gives a shit, you know?

One of the few fucking people that gives a shit. We seem to be winning pretty handily, five to one, whatever. Canada's struggling, right? Fuck you, you are struggling. As now you're strutting around with your syrup-haired fucking chest. You barely beat Estonia. That was a fucking nail biter to the end. You fucking play us. It was one to nothing. I mean, yeah, I gotta be honest with you.

It didn't feel like one to nothing. It felt like five to nothing. We completely out-coached. We didn't do one fucking thing to adjust to your forecheck. We didn't do a fucking thing. Ah, that was frustrating. You had one fucking ping-pong goal. All right, so what are these Canadian cunts doing now? Oh, and in the meanwhile, somewhere in that the women had the game one and all they had to do was just hit an empty netter. They hit the post. It was laying right on the fucking goal line.

They scoop it up, tie it up, and then Canada. I'm letting the Americans know because most of them still don't know this. Well, the people down here in the United States, I should say, because we're all Americans, by the way, for all you dumb cunts up in Canada. You fucking Americans. You're an American, too. You live in the Americas. There's North America and South America. We're all from the Americas. All right? You are American.

The same way somebody in Poland and somebody in Ireland, they're both European. Okay? For some reason, they're calling us Americans. But at the end of the fucking day, if I want to pull cunt hairs, you guys are also Americans. Anyways, so I get off the fucking plane and I got like 20, 30 fucking texts from these Canadian cunts going, oh, I can't wait to hear you take on the fucking hockey. Right? Because they, you know, they're actually hoping that down here, this country is like devastated.

And I hate to tell you this, Canadian people. I would venture to guess that 80% of the people, they don't even know. As you notice, when we lost both games to you guys, nothing was set a blaze down here like you guys do up there. Nobody even, I'll tell you, this is how little popularity hockey has and how little they're known. It's weird. It's like totally niche and all the arenas sell out. But once you get beyond that, like nobody knows who anybody is.

Um, Timo Salani was on my flight evidently. Um, because when I got off, I'm standing at baggage claim as I'm reading all these tweets, you know, from these Canadian people, just mind scrolling them on my phone for some reason. Um, I look up and Timo Salami comes walking by and I nodded to him. You know, when you see somebody that iconic and I'm thinking in my head, I thought it was Pavel Burry. That's how fucking old I am. I'm like a skinny hockey guy with the page boy haircut Pavel Burry. And then I was like, no, it's not him. Timo Salami and he'd already gone by.

And this is nobody knew who the fuck he was. The guy was literally, he's coming back from the fucking Olympics. And, and his shirt says NHL PA NHL Players Association for the ladies. Right. He's wearing an I'm in the NHL shirt. Still nobody recognizes him. He goes over to the side. He's getting his own fucking bags because he's a hockey player. Right. His were priority.

He's sitting first class. He's got that kind of money. One of the first bags down is his, a giant hockey bag with the Anaheim Ducks logo on it. And still nobody noticed people looked at the bag and they were kind of like, oh, that's odd. That's a big bag. They were kind of like, well, you know, what do they got scaffolding in there? Somebody doing some Peyton. Nobody had any fucking idea.

And he takes it off himself. First ballot hall of fame hockey players standing right there. So I'm sorry Canadians as much as you want to revel in this, as you called it, your domination. I guess you dominate because you won both goals, but you certainly did not dominate the games with your one nothing fucking bullshit victories. They weren't bullshit. They were good victories. You know what it is? I only got tweets from 20 people.

Why am I taking down the whole fucking country? You know what? Good for you, Canada. You know, it's your sport. And it isn't even the joy of winning. I think up there, I think it's the relief of not losing because I just had a buddy of mine from up there. You know, he knows I'm coming up there. So it goes, you know, bring your skates, bring some gloves will supply. They said they'll supply the rest of the stuff.

And it's like, dude, I'm not using somebody else's hockey stuff. Okay. It's fucking gross. I'll take my bruises. All right. But anyways, he left a message. He goes, yeah, he goes, hey, you know, sorry about you guys losing. And he goes, we want it.

And then he paused and he goes, thank God. So that's the way it is up there. And I got to tell you, nothing down here is like that. Not even like, I would say the closest thing would be men's Olympic basketball. But even then, if they lose, we don't light shit on fire. We just go, a bunch of fucking spoiled brats. They're making too much money. They don't want to listen to the coaches.

Yeah, that's all we do. We don't give a fuck. We don't send people to Siberia. You know, they don't get killed like they do down in Columbia if they don't fucking, you know, inbound the soccer ball correctly, whatever the fuck you do out there in the pitch. Yeah, people just don't give a shit to that level. Put it this way. I actually typed in, I was trying to type in Olympic hockey and I wrote Stanley Cup.

That's what I give a fuck about as, I mean, obviously I want to win the gold. You know what fucked me up or was the first goal that I saw was the 1980 team. And it was our amateur team beating the Russians. It was the Cold War. It's just never going to be as good as that again. Now it's just like, it's like a couple of all-star teams playing, you know what I mean? I don't know. That sucks that we got along with Russia for a while.

It really killed the rivalry. You know, back in the day, those Team Canada games and the USA teams and then the Russians, when they couldn't even get into the fucking league, once they did some Moscow and the Hudson shit and these fucking guys would come over and we had no idea who they were. They come over and start kicking the shit out of us, at least the Americans. And then the Flyers had to basically cheat and take a couple of two-handers to their ankles and called it hockey. I love how the Flyers organization tells that story when they actually beat the Russians.

Yeah, they played some great hockey where they turned their sticks into clubs and they just beat them up, which is funny, fucking hilarious. But I don't think it's hockey. And you know what? The league suffered forever, forever in that. But anyways, congratulations to the Canadians for not losing the gold medal game. Congratulations, okay? Your cities are safe.

Your Starbucks windows will be intact. And I can take comfort in the fact knowing that the Stanley Cup has been in the good old US of A since 1994. Oh, you like that? Why don't you sit on that trophy? All right there, new Brunswick. I'm fucking coming. All right? Nova Scotia, next week it's coming.

Markton, Halifax, some town that begins with an H, Hamilton, Toronto, London, Ottawa, Montreal, Winnipeg, Amateur, Calgary, Vancouver, some fucking island out there, back to Calgary. A couple of times back to Ottawa. It's going to be crazy. And I know I'm going to drink like a fish and smoke cigars and I'm going to look like I'm 400 years older and I'm going to accept that. I can't wait to get up there. I can't wait to skate on that fucking canal, like a fucking twinkle toes there. And then I got some pond hockey possibly lined up. It's going to be fucking insane.

That's how I'm going to keep the booze weight down. I'm going to drink it up at night and then I'm going to shake it off for morning practice and then I'm going to stumble into the theater, right? Like a grizzled vet and I'm going to fucking knock out my hour in 15 minutes of stuff. All right, that's what I got going on. So anyways, I know I broke your balls, but that was me actually saying congratulations to Canada. What a relief. You won. Nothing got damaged.

You sons of bitches. Fucking Crosby. You knew he was going to score on that goddamn breakaway. I knew it. I knew he was. And I actually tweeted the guy never chokes and people were like, oh, last year against the Bruins. I don't think he showed up. The whole team got shut down.

All right. And if you go through any great athlete's career, there's going to be moments. You know, there's moments, but generally speaking, as much as you don't like the guy, can you give it up for what a fucking unbelievable player is? I know he's got big pouty lips. I know he looks like he's going to cry every time they call a penalty on him, but the stats don't lie. The stats don't lie. You guys are fucking phenomenal player. The last time, you know, playing for the gold, it went into overtime when all of Canada had their frozen balls up and pulled up into their bodies after we scored the fucking game tire, tire at the end of regulation.

Remember that? Who came out and scored the fucking goal? Crosby. The guy delivers. All right. So fuck all you flyer fans and all you other cunts who can't give it up to. I don't like them just for the simple fact that he plays for the penguins, but I'd love to have them on my team. There you go.

All right. So anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. If you're new to it, welcome. I do one of these every single week. I tape on Monday mornings unless my throat's hurting me. In that case, I tape them a little later, but it is my podcast. So I do it when I want to. And when I, you know, when they're allegedly late, you know, which I don't understand, like how am I late to my own business?

I got the keys. I'm opening up. All right. Here we go. I'm going to tell you guys a story where that adds another layer to how dumb I am right after I do a little bit of advertising. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. I got to make money too.

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Or go to billburr.com and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. All right. If you don't do this, then you just like misery. Okay. All right. So here's the story of me being an absolute fucking moron. All right. I had a wonderful run of shows last week, Tuesday through last night, Sunday night at the New

Jersey Peck Center in Newark, New Jersey. My week started off with my favorite show of the year now, the second annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. Amazing three hour show with, there wasn't anybody on that show that I wasn't a huge fan of. The crowd was unbelievable. I want to thank all of the comics who donated their time. It was just an amazing, amazing night.

And I want to thank Opie and Anthony and Jim Norton for hyping the show, moving all those tickets. It was a huge success. And for those of you who came and all that, just know that Patrice's mom and his wife and a stepdaughter were over the moon happy. So you guys really did a great thing by buying tickets to that show. It's a wonderful thing. We're definitely going to do it again next year.

We're going to try to expand it in many different ways for next year. But it was a huge success and I could have done it without Maureen Tarran behind the scenes and all the comics and Opie and Anthony and all the fans that came out. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

All right. So that was the Tuesday night. We were the after party. Everybody was hanging out and Verzi's hilarious. He shows up like around 1130, right? I'm like, hey, what's up? Whatever. He's pacing back and forth like a frigging caged, goddamn cat.

I don't know what the fuck's going on with them, right? And finally I look up and make eye contact with him. And he is walking by me, just eyeballing me right out the side of his head with this fucking, not quite a grin, not quite a scowl, but he is looking at me and I'm like, Jesus Christ. All right. What, what, what is this here? Oh, my stupid phone's going off here.

I'm like, what is the problem? Right? So I get up and I walk over and he's like, hey, he's like, dude, do you want to smoke a stoke? Are you up for a stoke? I'm like, absolutely. So he goes, I got a place, I got a place. So long story short, the whole thing dies down around one o'clock in the morning and

we leave there. It takes me to this insane fucking cigar bar and we go in there. They got all these different kinds of cigars, so we just fucking do it up. We got like this Nicaraguan cigar with like aged 10 years tobacco. Dude, I swear to God, I lit this fucking thing. I almost puked. Thank God I wasn't drinking because this thing was like huffing on the tailpipe of my fucking F-100 man.

I swear to God, but once you got the thing lit, once I got it lit, it was a whole other deal. It was just a whole other deal. It was amazing. It was like smoking a blunt. You got like high off this fucking thing. This is going to kill a lot of purists. I'm still not drinking.

I'm a month in, 28 days, four weeks. I actually got an old duels with it. I know. I'm waiting for every guy out. Ah, Jesus Christ, what are you, a fucking queer there? Yes. I fucking, I hadn't drank at all duels. I have to.

All right. I got a 20 day tour of Canada coming up. Damage will be done. I'm in basic training right now. All right. Fucking, what are those old army marches? What do they say? I don't know.

They always say you're gay or you're part cattle. Don't they do that? Are they allowed to do any of those anymore? You know, now that they have openly gay people in the military. I guess like half of their jokes were out the window. Where are you from? All things from their stairs and quayers. You ain't got no horns, right?

With their hacky fucking jokes. They had to update it. Only thing from there is stairs and the homosexuals. Fuck, it doesn't rhyme. God damn it, give me 20. Anyways, completely lost my train of thought. So we smoke these cigars. I'm drinking a fucking o' duels.

And it was still great. That's how unbelievable this cigar was. And it was so strong like I don't need. This is me lying to myself saying I don't need another cigar. I'm not going to lie to you. I want to fucking smoke one tonight, but I'm not going to. I always let, you know, I get scratched up a little bit by alcohol and cigars, but I never let it get its hooks on me.

You know? And that's because of my, uh, I have that German Irish stubborn thing where I can push through shit. Cause if I didn't, and I know a lot of people, I wish a bunch of fucking alcohol. You know what? A lot of us aren't. Okay.

And it would be nice if you brought us up every once in a while. I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. I just basically how I'm wired. I feel when something's getting its hooks in me and I continue to abuse it for like another three months. And then I go, all right, I got to stop. Um, so that's what I do with cigars. Although now just by talking about him now, I'm, I'm fucking,

you hear that? That's me fucking hitting the bed right now. I want one, which is why I'm not going to smoke one. I keep it at bay. You know what I mean? Like that guy who doesn't want to be in a relationship, you know, he bangs her every two weeks and then doesn't call her since she doesn't develop feelings and he shows up again.

Hey, look who's here. Oh, is that my dick? Hey, right? And then you fucking leave again. So anyways, the next night I'm out at Westbury theater. The second time I performed there, that's that one that how you Mandel did a special there. I believe Brian Regan did a special there.

It's fucking amazing in the round. I went out there. I, I, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. The night of patrice's thing, we fucking went over there and the cigar bar was closed. So when we went out to Westbury, that's what we did after Westbury. We went in there. Um, we, we had fucking great show. Paul Versey, arguably the best set I've ever seen him beyond being funny.

Son of a bitch is smooth as hell. Now I'm talking a little shit for you there. Versey fucking guy is smooth as hell. Looks like a total pro handling being in the round. No problem whatsoever. Um, fucking killing him and got that applause beyond. Thank God, you know, you're done. Bring on the next guy.

He, he got, he got a sustained appreciation and a round of applause. Um, which was great for me to see as a friend and then it also sucks as a friend because I know he's going to be headlining his own shit soon and then he won't be opening for me anymore, which sucks. I mean, it's great for my liver. You know, in the mouth cancer there. Um, anyways, um, yes. Then we went to the cigar bar and all that bullshit happens.

And then the next night I drove all the way down. Now I'm working with this dude, Nate Craig. Uh, we fucking drive all the way down to, uh, Charlottesville, Virginia. It's supposed to be a six hour drive turned into a fucking nine hour drive because they're digging up all the goddamn roads. You know, but it was interesting, man. We were going through like these high, I always just take 95 down. We actually got off at 95 and kind of angled over there.

And all of a sudden just going by these open fields that have like these cannons in them. I'm like, what the fuck are the cannons sitting there? Someone's going to steal that thing. And then we were, oh, those are Civil War battlefields. Fucking insane. They're not even that big. Kind of like the orange bowl. If you ever remember the orange bowl, how small it was when you finally went and saw it.

If you'd seen some of the new stadiums, how fucking gigantic they are, like Lucas oil field, like the, the battlefields are really small. At least the ones that I drove by at 40 miles an hour without really looking at too much appeared to be. Um, anyways, did it show in Fredericksburg? No, I'm sorry. What did I say? Charlottesville next day drove up to Fredericksburg. I think it was at Fredericks Hill.

I don't know what the fuck it was someplace in Maryland. Then went back down to Richmond. And then had brutal traffic all the way up to the New Jersey, uh, Newark gig. Uh, but all the shows were awesome. And, um, all right. So the night ends had a great run. Nate was killing it the whole time. I hadn't worked with him in like a year and I saw all his progress that he's made as a comic.

And that I'm telling you, man, that like inspires me to have a better show. That's the kind of people I like working with. I like working with people that are growing, you know, he's fucking people. You come and you see him like a year or two later and like their act hasn't changed at all. It's like depressing to see that it's like going back to the townie bar. And there's that guy, fucking guy that was sitting there the last time you were there still wearing the football jacket and shit. They're just stuck in the mud drives me nuts. So whatever.

Anyways, um, I'm now noticing my level's low. I'm not going to fuck with this. This is where it was last week and nobody bitched. All I'm getting is one green light. Hello test. Fuck you. All right. That's good.

Anyways, um, so, uh, so this morning I go to leave in the rental car. Nate's been driving the rental car the whole fucking time. I get down there. I've already packed. Um, I already have it mapped out how to get to Newark airport from where I'm at because it's really tricky from downtown. So cure this fucking route. I have everything ready to go. I wake up 6 20.

I'm down at the rental car by like 6 30 6 35. I get in it. Everything's good. I got my little car to get out of the fucking garage. Finally, I'm organized and then I'm looking at the keys and all I see is just a square like in my Prius where you just take the square like magic key that you can unlock it from 50 paces. And you just stick it in the key veg that they now have in the dashboard. And I'm looking around and there isn't one. All I see is a place where you stick the key in and I'm looking going, you got to be shitting me.

I'm digging in my pockets. I can't find the fucking key. It's 6 35 in the morning. Nate is sound asleep. He's the last one to drove it and I'm going, you got to be fucking kidding me. You got to be kidding me. I looked down at the key chain. There's another little key ring and I can see like it's all separated.

Like a key could have just fell off. And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. I'm just like, really? I start doing that. Really? Really God? Really? What the fuck did I do to deserve this one?

I can't just have a fucking put trip to the goddamn airport. So now I'm literally, I'm already going, okay, I'm calling Nate. If he doesn't pick up, I am abandoning this fucking vehicle. Fuck this. I'm getting in a goddamn cab. I'm walking up. I'm taking the magic key portion of this thing and going to your own fucking fault for sticking a magic, you know, the magic key with the fucking other key with the, with the, with

the, with the defective ring on it. They're saying on me, I'll tell you where it's at. You want to charge me 200 bucks? I don't give a fuck. I'm not missing my flight and going home to see my family. All right. Fuck you. I'm out.

I'm already thinking of that. So Nate picks up like, oh, right. I'm like, dude, I'm sorry to wake you up, but do you have the key? I can't find the key. So he starts walking around his room, rummaging through pockets and shit. And then it finally dawns on me. He goes, wait, he goes, he goes, the keys on the thing. You just got to press the button.

I go, what are you talking about? He goes on the little, whatever the fuck you call that thing. The thing that opens it and get puts on the line because you just press the button. So I press the button and the key comes out like a fucking jackknife. And he heard it come out and he just starts laughing at me. And there wasn't anything I could do. I just started laughing too. And I want to tell you guys that I'm embarrassed by this story, but I'm not.

Like that kind of shit happens. Like with any remote base level technology, I just can't figure it out. I've used keys like that in the past. I haven't in a while, but I just, it doesn't take a lot to stump me. Like anything that has to do with computers. Oh, someone so just tweeted that you should go look it up. I look it up. I can't find it.

I just, I suck at it. Fucking suck at it. And I landed after I landed. He called me up and he was still saying, dude, like I couldn't go back to sleep. I was just laying in the bed laughing at you. And I was going, dude, and I told him the whole thing. I said, dude, if you didn't get on the phone, I wasn't going back up there. I was literally going to abandon the rental car.

And he goes, who the fuck abandons a rental car? And I go, fucking successful people do. You know, keep your eye on the prize. Trim the fat, you know, like the horse is stumbling for his fucking shoot it. Now we're walking. Fuck it. I'll call it cab. I could never shoot a horse for all you animal lovers out there.

I just would call it cab and I was prepared. If he didn't pick up what I was going to do, my backup plan was I was taking my shit out of the back of it. I was locking it and I was going to curse all the way to the lobby, get a cab and I was going to go back over to the rental car place. Walk right in there and go here. Here's the keys. Here's where it's at. I got only have the magic part of it. I don't know where the fucking other thing is.

All right, charge me whatever. And the person would have looked at me and would have hit that button and that thing would have opened up. And I would have just sat there looking like, I just would have laughed. I would just be like, I'm a fucking idiot. You know, what do you want from me? That's what you didn't do enough of a background check. I don't know. I'm really having like major self-esteem problems because I already knew all of this shit about me and then my wife hit me with that.

You have ADD and I told you last week when I was sitting there, getting ready to do the perpetrice thing. That's always like a very melancholy thing to do. You know, when someone you love like that has died, but you're doing something positive, there's still always that void. So I was talking to her about it and I was literally getting emotional for people who didn't listen last week. He was getting emotional about it and I looked up and there was a spider on the ceiling and I was like, oh, a spider. And I just started talking about spiders for like, I don't know. I don't even know how long I was gone and I brought my head back down and she was just looking at me smiling. And I was, it was just like, I mean, I couldn't argue with her at that point.

So, you know, I don't know what's, you know, it really explains now why I did so horribly in school. I just remember being in these classes and it was just me and a bunch of other fuck ups. And I would be sitting in the class just going, I know I'm not as dumb as the grade that I'm getting in this. I can't be because if I, if I was, I wouldn't be aware of how much of a failure I am. Would I? Like you think really dumb people are aware of it. You know, that look on their faces, they try to figure shit out. But then again, then I can go around and I can like a little hidey key thing can confuse the shit out of me.

Fucking Nate was hilarious. He goes, what's your address? I'm going to send your wife some flowers just for having to live with me. Do you realize how fucking sad that is? Of course you do. And I know you're enjoying every bit of this. But anyways, I went, I went back to the hotel because I was being a good boy this whole week, not drinking. And I actually saw, I saw a couple of fucking just great old, kiss me deadly.

I always come on when it's in the middle. What a fucking great movie that is. I know a lot of people from my generation and after know that is a lead of Ford song. It's actually a film noir movie and the lead of the movie who I should really look up because I like what this guy did. Like he crushed it in that movie. And a lot of people say it's a, it's a prototype for all the, all the tough guy movies. This role of the guy Ralph Meeker. I'll actually look this guy up and he came around during like the studio system for all you football fans.

And sports fans out there, the studio system back then was kind of like back, like sports before they had like free agency. Well, like back in the day, say if you, if you played center field for the Yankees, okay. And during the detail end of Joe DiMaggio's career and the beginning of Mickey Mannell's career, you were fucked. You were never getting brought up and they weren't going to release you. And you didn't make it to the majors simply because two of the greatest center fielders of all time happened to be playing for the team that drafted you. And you were fucked. You couldn't go anywhere. I don't, I guess maybe you try to switch positions.

I didn't know what you did back in the day studio system. They basically, they groomed you. They brought you up. They'll, they change your name like they did with Marilyn Monroe and you just did movies for them. So anyways, they wanted this guy. I mean, look, I'm up here. So I get the story. Ralph Meeker.

They wanted him to, to sign one of those contracts and he refused to. So he got like black bald and it kind of fucked up his career. But I totally respect that, you know, he did something like that. I don't like getting tied down like that either. It's just like, I'm not fucking, I didn't get in this business to work for you. I'll do a job with you. You're going to own me forever. Go fuck yourself.

But, um, it's just, it's just a great movie. He just slaps a bunch of people around, a bunch of people get shot. There's some bad acting in it too. Cause it's 1955 or whatever, you know, um, that one came on, um, which has just a fucking, it just really crazy ending. The first time I saw it, disturbing, disturbing ending, but I'm going to let you guys know, I'm not one of those movie snobs. Like I go, when I saw Blair Witch by myself, I got scared.

It freaked me out. I saw the ring. I get scared. Like I take the ride with the movie. I don't sit there going fake. That was lame. Unless it really sucks. So take it with the grain of salt.

All right. Um, I saw that. And then I also saw, uh, I watched an episode of the honeymooners and I realized that I am, I have a lot of Ralph Krampton in me. I just watched that guy. He gets worked up over little things. He catastrophizes. He flips out.

He screams at the woman in his life. And then in the end he realized not only is he in the wrong, he's a hundred percent wrong. And then he goes and he apologizes to his wife. And then for some reason she accepts the apology. And that, that's basically my life. So I learned that and then I also learned the superstition that I have. Like I don't put a hat on the bed and I never, I never, uh, I never even heard of that. The hat on the bed thing being bad luck until, uh, Billy Bob Thornton was talking about it,

like all his superstitions and how he doesn't like antique furniture, which is hilarious. He's just like, it creeps me out. And I got to tell you, I've gone into some antique fucking places and the smell in there. It's the smell of death. And I totally understood it. But for summary, I never researched the hat on the bed, why it was considered bad luck. But if I threw a baseball hat down on the bed, I'd immediately knock it off. I actually believed in it.

And, um, so I actually was looking up these things while Nate was driving the origins of all this. And the, the hat on the bed was basically hair was back in the day was thought to, I guess, hold evil spirits. Because a lot of people wore hats back then and you took your hat off in the static electricity. Sometimes they'd see a little flash of light in there. And I guess they had no idea what, what it was. Like there's lightning in your hair. I mean, I don't know if they were still drawn on cave walls at that point, but they had enough technology to make a fucking hat.

So I don't know where it came from. But anyways, they thought the evil spirits were, uh, in your hair. And you know, they, they were, they got into your hat. And if you put the hat on the bed, it would get into the sheets and into the mattress, which makes no fucking sense. Cause if it's already in your hair, then it's in your pillow. It, why doesn't it drip down into your fucking brain? None of it makes any sense.

So now I'm over it. So now I went out of my way to put a fucking hat on the bed. Right. Nothing bad's happening. A bunch of good shits happening for me. I can focus on the bad stuff. I couldn't figure out the magic key this morning. Right.

I couldn't figure that out. Well, well, bad shit happens. You know what? I'm going to read this thing that I read, that I read to fucking Nate and it is, that's his nickname fucking Nate. Um, what is it? Origins of bad luck. Here we go.

Let's see if I can get the top 10. That's the number 13. What is it? How about, how about this? How about the hanging that guys? Top 10 bad luck. Superstitions. Here we go.

Maybe this is it right here. Oh, where the fuck 25 most popular superstitions. There was some really good ones in there, like the ladder walking under a ladder, the ladder when it's leaned up against the wall forms a triangle, which is like the Trinity or something. And you're supposed to be like insulting God. If you do that. Um, in some parts of Turkey, you may want to think twice before whipping out the

chewing gum. There's a belief that if you are chewing gum at night, it is actually rotting dead flesh. Well, I think that's a little, has a little more to say about the, uh, Turkey's food and drug administration that it does above. Growning cheese for a newborn. Is this from the Northern hemisphere? What the fuck is this?

You've probably heard of Swiss cheese, cheddar cheese or pepper jack cheese. But have you heard of groaning cheese? No, I haven't. You've probably heard of get to the fucking point. Start trying to fill out your paragraph. In medieval England, expectant mothers made what they called a groaning cheese, which was a large wheel of cheese that matured for nine months as the

unborn baby grew. This is already fucking creepy. When the groaning time or the time of the birth came, how tough were broads back then? The groaning time given birth without any fucking morphine groaning. That's all they did was grown the fucking husbands laying down. They're getting his entrails taken out freedom. All right.

Different kind of tough back then. When the groaning time came or the time of the birth, the whole family would celebrate by eating this cheese until nothing but the outer rind was left. Jesus Christ. Were they all bound up or what? Then the guys groaning, trying to shit the next day, right?

The newborn would then be passed through the rind on Christmas day to be blessed with a long and prosperous life. What a cheesy superstition it says. Well, that's not bad luck, is it? They had to sit there and eat all of that. That whole fucking thing is gross. That's just fucking gross. You should grow shit with that.

All right. Let's read one more here. Friday the 13th has been the source of a superstition's ever since the 19th century, though its origin is shrouded in speculation and theories. It's not going to stop us from having a fucking website about it. Sorry. Its impact is quite evident. Many people will avoid.

Well, then you don't even know what it is and you bring it up. You asshole. All right. Fuck this. Fuck this website. Okay. Do I have anything else I want to read about? Oh, by the way, I found a new documentary.

I haven't watched it yet. Of course, I don't know the name of it. They just unearthed it. Who's the guy who got in the hot tub and banged the 13-year-old and then left the country? What the fuck is his name? Rupert Murdoch. Billy Ray Valentine.

What the fuck is his name? Ah, shit. I got it. It's a French name. Roman Polanski. That was close. Rupert Murdoch. Roman Polanski.

He's got it. He made a documentary on Jackie Stewart. Roman Polanski. Jackie Stewart documentary. They just put it up on Netflix. It's from the early 70s. I can't wait to watch it. Formula One champion.

The end of champions. I guess it's up on, according to this car magazine I bought on the plane, I guess it's up on Netflix. Weekend of champions. I'm going to watch it. You should watch it. You should watch True Detective. You should keep watching fast and loud.

These are the shows that I like. These are the shows I recommend. All right, let's get back to the podcast here. Where are we? Jesus, the whole thing's off the fucking. It's just gone off the goddamn rails here. I think I talked about everything. There's a gay basketball player now.

This is going to be the greatest fucking thing ever. If these, the gay football player and the gay basketball player might make a bunch of other sports players, players of professional sports come out. It's going to be the funniest fucking shit. I cannot fucking wait. Nobody has stepped in shit yet either. All right. I didn't mean to like that.

All right. Nobody has fucked up. Everybody is trained. Everybody knows what to say. I think part of it is people are educated now, but also people have seen enough other people get in trouble. Most recently, the duck hunter guy. So everybody's just saying the right thing.

Hey, can the guy play? If the guy can play, he can be on the team. I don't think it's a big deal. It's 2014. They're all saying that shit, but I guarantee you somebody's going to fuck up. Who's it going to be? Who's your money on? What sport?

Who do you like? Trying to think somebody, you know, if this was a big election year, some dark horse Republican, ultra, ultra conservative in his 60s, he would definitely say something. You know, I don't think they should be on the fail. I think they should be cured first before they're allowed in the locker room. They'd say something like that. But I'm telling you, it's going to open the floodgates and right now what's funny is ESPN is just talking about it and talking about it, just praying that somebody's going to

fuck up and cause a controversy, but nobody gives a fuck in a good way. They're like, who gives a shit? Can the guy play? Get him on the goddamn team. Right? Like that guy coming out of Missouri is the SEC defensive player of the year. I want him on my team. All right?

ESPN, they can't keep the air underneath it any fucking longer. They're running, it's just, they're running out of shit. It's hilarious. It's just everybody being 100% accepting. They need somebody to fuck up. So for the love of God, if you're a moron, if you're a Bible beater, if you're down there in the Jesus Jet Street, I know they're going to stick a microphone in somebody's face. They can't get a coach.

They can't get a player. They can't get an owner to fuck up. I guarantee you their next fucking move because they're, the story is dying. They're going to have to just start walking around talking to people on the street and just, just basically entrapping people. That's my prediction. I'm calling that for this week. All right?

They're going to snuff it out. All right? Like the Marines on Iwo Jima walking up that fucking mountain, snuffing them out cause they're not on the island. They're in it. I told you I'm reading that book. Flags of your fathers. Flags of our fathers or whatever.

Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. Another unbelievable book. And I think of the shit that sets me off. The shit that these guys went through. You know, they made that saving private Ryan. And you think that like that sort of landing was a, was an exception rather than the norm. All throughout, from what I'm reading, as these Marines were taken island by island

out in the Pacific, it was D-Day every fucking day and Iwo Jima was the worst. This motherfucker, Japanese general, he, he, he let them all gather on the beach. He didn't just start shooting at him. You know, the, the Navy had bombarded the island for like, they were supposed to do it for like five, six days. They only did it like two or three days. And they didn't realize that the Japanese, they were in it. They had like 16 miles of tunnels.

They have these pillboxes, you know, basically just wide enough to stick their guns through. And they let all the Marines gather on the beach before they opened up on them. Just, I don't even, like some of the horrible shit that they were talking about. I don't even know how you, they were saying it was so shocking. Some people just, one of the things when you, when you're dealing with that, something that overwhelming is you're bought, you actually just go to, into a deep sleep. Like you fall asleep, like you're laying on the couch during the four o'clock game. You know what I mean?

And like, sergeants would be kicking guys trying to wake them up and you would come to like, fuck, you probably were pissed. Like, why didn't you let me just keep sleeping? Unbelievable book. Unbelievable book, highly recommended. Obviously they made it into a movie and all that shit. I think they did. I know it's a huge book, but you know, I figure if you guys listen to me read every week out loud

that you guys aren't big readers too. So I still also need to recommend highly successful books there. All right. Why don't I shut the fuck up and I'll do a little more advertising. I believe the last couple of ads here and then we'll go into the questions for this week. Sound good? Beautiful. All right.

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All right. Response to plantar fissureitis. That's the pain in the bottom of my foot that it is on again, off again. Sir Billion, I have plantar fissureitis, however you say. A couple of years ago, I had it a couple of years ago and my doctor told me two things. One, there are straps that you can put onto your feet to stretch them out as you're sleeping and they wrap around your feet to your calf. I don't like that shit.

Number two, number two worked for me and that was to sleep with my feet hanging off the bed. Oh, number two. Okay. That's the second option. So either you do the straps, you have your feet hanging off the bed. This makes sure that they won't curl up on you while you're sleeping. After about two to three weeks, my feet started to feel better.

Well, my feet feel fine. It's just like if I don't stretch ridiculously before I play drums or run a little bit, skip rope or anything like that, like the pain comes back. I want to know how to rehab it. How do I strengthen it up so I can actually run again? But I do appreciate what you're telling me there. There's somebody else. Number two, dear Billy Blueballs.

I heard you was struggling with the plantar fascia. And since my girlfriend is a doctor of physical therapy, I summoned her expertise to help eliminate some of your pain. She said, she 100% agrees with your morning stretching routine. She also commented that there are a couple more things that could potentially help such as golf ball in the freezer, pulling it out a couple of times a day to roll on your footsies as well. Filling a Dixie cup with water and freezing it.

Once frozen, you can peel away the Dixie cup as desired to provide a manageable, smooth block of ice. You may find some relief by using a technique called ice massaging under the arch of your foot. She also mentioned possibly orthotic options. And my favorite, begging the lovely Nia to deeply massage the affected area to help break up the adhesion from overworked tendon. I'm at that point, what I need people, I need, how do I rehab it?

How do I strengthen it up? Because I'm already doing most of that. I do the tennis ball thing. Like when I go to play drums in my little drum bag, I actually have a tennis ball and I got a whole routine I roll in and it doesn't bug me. But my thing is, is if I don't do that every fucking time, if I just sit down to play, it's annoyed again. Now is that for life because once you get it, you get it?

Or can I actually build it back up again? Like if I don't stretch, I always feel like it's right. I feel like I'm a week after the injury happened. Do you know what I mean? I don't go back with the affliction, but it's a nagging pain. So ask your wife or girlfriend there is, am I fucked for life with this? Or can I actually build it back up again? The way, you know, I've torn muscles and I'm able to build it back up.

Every once in a while, something will happen. Ah, it gives a fuck. I don't know. All right, Bill, why the back and forth? Billy D. Williams, why do you start and quit drinking so much? You're truly not an alcoholic. Well, you can say that from what? Listening to the podcast?

He goes, of course, I can't know for this, this for sure. Okay, he just put himself back and check. I apologize. But this doesn't, but it doesn't seem like you need booze to get through the day. You're not a different person when you drink. It's not like, holy shit, Bill's drinking again. Hide your punchlines and put the kids to bed. You literally, you're literally the Oprah of booze consumption.

Relax with this whole wagon bullshit. Wagons are like wheelchairs. Don't fuck with it unless you need it. Have a whiskey. You'll be fine. You know, Verzi, I think he's a two beer queer. I called it. Uh, no, dude, you need to hang out with us.

You have to understand that how would you drink? Okay. If at the end of every day there was an open bar free, by the way, I guess open bar is free. I'm an idiot. An open bar free bar. Piola mode with ice cream, please. Um, yeah, that's the thing.

Like I have an unbelievable amount of free time and I drink as much as two of my friends who've gone to the doctor and found out that they had an enlarged liver. So, and then also it ages you. You get a puffy face and all that. So what I do, yeah, little binge and purge, little binge and purge. I'm doing great. I'm still in great shape. I still look good.

You know, I'm losing the roof, but everything else is looking all right. You know, what do you want from me? I appreciate your concern, but, um, you know, I just went on basically like a two year bender. I took a year off and then I came back, came back strong, picked up right where I left off. Dude, I had four fucking white Russians. Who does that?

Before I got on a plane, woke up with a splitting headache and I felt like ate a bag of Halloween candy. Who does that? You know, fucking idiot. I need to take a little time out. I feel great after 28 days. It's good to give your liver a break every once in a while. Um, but believe me, I'm going up to Canada in the same way a woman goes to the Bahamas

or goes to the tropics and fucks around on her husband and says it doesn't count because I'm outside of the country. I do the same thing with booze. It doesn't count. I'm in Canada. What am I supposed to do? It's fucking cold up here. All right, gay guy who likes a girl, a billion dollar bill.

I'm a 20 year old gay guy and I recent and recently I've started to like my best friend who is a girl. I never liked a girl before. So this is uncharted territory for me. She knows I'm gay. We go to the movies alone together and have and have sleepovers. I really just do things that I know she wouldn't do with her guy friends who weren't gay. Okay.

So you get to fucking sleep in the same sleeping bag with her. She knows that you're not going to be poking her. Is that what it is? Anyways, her boyfriend who I don't know too well is cool with us spending so much time together because he knows I'm gay and therefore I am no threat to him. About a month ago is spending the night in a room when she took her shirt off and started changing in front of me. She's comfortable.

She's comfortable enough with me that she's changed in the same room I was in before. And I never really cared because she always had a bra on underneath. This time she didn't. So I saw her tits. You sound like a straight guy that you said tits. It's really blunt. So I saw her tits instead of her breastesses. I saw her tits and it was the first time I've ever seen a girl naked before.

Ever since that happened, I've had a huge crush on her. More than I've ever liked a guy even. So wait a minute. So that means what? You saw a naked guy first and then you just went with guys and now you've seen a woman. This is, dude, this is beyond me. This is really fucking interesting. So you have a serious crush.

He goes, I think about her all the time, often sexually. And now I feel dishonest every time I see her because she still thinks I'm gay while in sexuality. I'm sometimes there thinking about what it would be like to fuck her. Hey buddy, welcome aboard permission granted. Come on aboard. I'm loving this story. Telling her I like her would get me nowhere since she has a boyfriend, but I hate living

with the guilt of her not knowing. What should I do? I tell you what you do. Shut the fuck up is what you do. That is, that is a, that is a fucking shitstorm private. You stand the fuck down on that one. All right. If you think this is what, why don't you go try out your new desires on someone outside

of that relationship? Okay. I would definitely, I don't know what to tell you. This is fucking. Dude, you got to call Dr. Drew on this one. I gotta, I gotta throw out a lifeline here. I, I would go out to a bar and you know what? God damn it.

I need a gay friend for this one. You know what? I'm going to ask a gay friend and I'm going to get back to you next week. What do you think about that? All right. In the meantime, don't fucking pull a Facebook here and just fucking vomit all your feelings. Don't do that. Okay.

I know I'm sounding like I'm being a dick, but I'm helping you out here. This is a shitstorm here because first of all, she's in a fucking relationship with somebody. You don't want to do that. She's also now friends with you and she thinks you're gay and she thinks that she can trust you. And if all of a sudden you come fucking walking at her with a fucking stinger. She's going to think about all the time she fucking changed in front of you and it's just

really going to creep her out. I don't know what to tell you dude. Like I would say right now, stop sleeping over there. Figure out what the fuck's going on, but I need some, I need some, I need some gay help. I need some gelp on this one. Gay people. Any gay people out there?

Wherever you are. Come in, come in, come in. Yeah. Help me out on this one. We'll have, we'll have a new section on the podcast. Gelp. Gay help. Help me out on this one.

I don't know what to tell this dude. All right. All right. Girl wanted to roofie me. Jesus. These are some interesting ones this week. Bill, don't worry. This isn't a, this isn't some creepy story.

Oh, it's one of those mainstream roofie stories. The person says, I got to college in the northeast last weekend. My buddies and I had a party and I invited this. Yeah. You left out the word. I'm going to guess girl from one of my classes because we were always laughing to get a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So she shows up and she looks amazing.

Oh, what a great story. What a great time in your life. What could go wrong? We started laughing, doing shots even better. She starts leaning into me more as the night goes on. Ah, memories like the corners of my life. After things start to settle and her dumb friends leave, we go up to my room, she sits on my bed and asks me if the door is locked.

I tell her, yes, capital YES with confidence and also confusion. She then pulls something out of her bag and asks if I want to get crazy with her. I say, well, not the kind of fun that will result in me gargling my own chunks like Hendricks. Ah, Jesus. I hope you didn't say that. She got the joke and laughed. All right.

She's a keeper. I felt good about what was to come. Maybe it was ecstasy. I've never done ecstasy and that could be fun, right? Nope. She then says, this is a low grade roofie. Want to split it? Dude, this went from a coming of age story to immediately one of the most fucked up.

This is a whole new room. I never been in this room. I'm going to stand near the door for the rest of this. Now you might be thinking this is mutual. How can this go wrong? We'd both be on the same medicine. I was intrigued, Bill. Very intrigued.

I sat down at my desk and put on some music installed as I thought about it. Then I heard your voice in my head. Dude, either banger, clean, or get the fuck out. I'm a good kid from a small town and I'd rather jerk it for the rest of my life than pan it to a dumb female. Good for you. If you don't want to do it, don't fucking do it. Let alone partake in something that nuts.

I still collect baseball cards, you know, if you can't do the math. Now, dude, listen, I still buy old football cards. I'm right there with you. And there's a bunch of people out there who could literally just fuck a goddamn ostrich on the 50-yard line in a football game and wouldn't give a shit. They would do it and they would feel fine about it the next day and they should do it. All right? If you're more wired that way, yeah, don't do it.

He goes, so I told her this can only go bad for me. She then says, how about only you take it? What? Dude, you need to get this girl the fuck out of the room before she takes out a strap on. I don't like this at all. This is creeping me up. She says, I tell her that that is only a terrible idea. She laughed a little bit and then I explained the situation to her.

Dude, wait a minute. She goes, is the door locked? She pulls out a roofie. Let's split it. What if only you take it? Dude, this isn't good. She goes, I said, okay, wait, she laughed a bit and then I explained the situation to her. I said, look, babe, you're putting me in a terrible position here because I wanted to strip you down

and have at it, but I can't with that thing in the room. It's a loaded gun. I told her, I told her we were going to walk together to the bathroom and flush it. Neither one of us being alone with the powerful supplement. She laughed and said she understood. We started going at it and the next morning she said, I'm sorry if that was weird. I'm glad you're a smart guy that earns you a threesome with my friend from home. Just say when.

Oh my God. Where the fuck did that Hollywood ending come from? Bill, within 12 hours I went from here's some good old fashioned college fund to preparing my defense to how can I satisfy her and her friend properly? There's only one way to learn. Fucking go jump in it. I'm such a dumb guy after she pulls out a roofie. Fuck this.

She goes, so how do, so how'd I do? Would you ever eat a roofie? No, fuck no. The answer is, is always no. Right? You, you saying no fucking walked you into a threesome. Jesus fucking Christ. Dude, if you don't do a follow up fucking email to that, I don't even care if this isn't true.

This is the greatest screenplay I've ever read. That's fucking phenomenal. More power to you there, but for the grace of God, that's fucking phenomenal. All right, here's the thing. You go over there. This is the thing. You want this to be a home game if you can, because she's a little fucking weird. If they insist you go over her place, you got to fucking do it.

Go over there. All right. Don't let them spray you with any sort of mist. If they do, you got to jump through the screen door. You got to get the fuck out of there. All right. Other than that fucking take the beach, my friend. Oh, that's great.

That made my fucking week. All right. Third cousin. Dear Billy Bendito. I live in Denver and I'm visiting my family back in Nebraska recently. I was visiting. Sorry. My mom and dad are both from the same small town and had larger families.

So I have a lot of family back there. I was with a cousin. Uh-oh. Please don't go sexual here. Also from Denver. And if you don't go sexual and I just said that and it grossed you out, I apologize. Also from Denver at a bar in a nearby large town and we were throwing back a couple of beers.

There was a pretty young lady at the bar who surprisingly enough found me quite charming. One thing led to another and I ended up going back to her place. Dude, great fucking emails this week. The next morning we were grabbing some coffee and having some more detailed conversation about ourselves. And it turns out we have the same great grandpa and grandma. Oh no. IE our parents are cousins making us third cousins.

In your mind is that weird? Yes. Yet is that it is weird. Is that legal? I'm no fool and wrapped my tool. Jesus Christ. Do you have that on a t-shirt? I'm no fool.

Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool. I'm no fool and wrap my tool. Do you know what the chances are me and this girl would have created a mutant had I knocked her up? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, I can look that up for you, sir, on the lovely internet and like most people who do research on the internet, I will take the first thing that I read as law.

Third, and this is going to be on my computer now because of you, third cousin sex legal question mark. Cousin marriage law in the United States. Oh God, there's a fucking chat here with different colors. Laws regarding first cousin marriage in the United States. First cousin marriage is legal in California. What Hawaii, Alaska, Massachusetts, Vermont, New York. Second way.

Criminal offenses. Texas. You know, sometimes when Texas is right, they're fucking, they're right. Oklahoma, both the Dakotas in Nevada. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Well, let's get the third cousin here. This is just first cousins. Where the fuck is third cousins?

There's no fucking way you can marry your first cousin. That isn't right. That was Wikipedia, by the way. Incest, cousin marriage, law regarding incest. Dude, I don't want to be on this part of the internet. Dude, you got to look this up. Okay, whatever. You got to away with it.

Hopefully just stay away from her. All right. Jesus Christ. When you notice somebody has the same smile as you, like you've noticed the Kennedys, they all have that fucking horse tooth smile. You know, that's when you got to fucking pull the plug and get away from me. Anyways, I got shit to do people. I know this is kind of a short one.

Oh, it's an hour and 10 minutes. I appreciate you being patient. My voice was a little fucked up after I did a lot of comedy this week and I had to give it a break. I had to give my instrument a break. That is it. That's a podcast for this week. My big candidate tour is coming up and I'm going to be back on the sauce and I'm going to be smoking cigars and I'm going to be telling jokes and skating on a pond near you. Up there and oh, can I do you want both fucking gold medals?

I'm sure you're happy. A bunch of fucking donors. Go fuck yourself. I'm out of time. All right. I'm out of time. I'll sing the Canada song next week. That's it.

That's a podcast. I'll talk to you next week. Please keep the emails coming and I need help. I need help this week to help out that person there. Like what? Are there any more stories like that? Does that mean that person is bisexual? I have no fucking idea.

All right. That's it. I'll talk to you next week. I'll see you next week. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better.

Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097.