Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-25-16

Episode Date: February 26, 2016

Bill rambles about cults, gay neighborhoods and fancy jeans.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I can't yell it. I am in New York City right now and I'm, it's late. I forgot, you know, today was Thursday and I had to do the podcast, so I apologize for

it being late. I, um, I don't know, I, I, uh, I don't know. I wasn't thinking the fuck do you want from me? And all of a sudden I landed and I got a bunch of tweets from people going, dude, I thought you were going to check in on me. I was like, ah, I'm letting people down. I'm letting you down. So here I am.

I'm checking in. So now you're going to hear it on a Friday, unless you're some lonely bastard on the West Coast, you know, still up or some lonely lady. Um, anyway, so I just got here to New York because I'm doing Fox Woods this weekend. But, um, since I left New York, my neighborhood has become extremely gay and I don't mean it in the way that all the gay people don't like when you say that neighborhood's gay, like it stinks. I mean, like literally gay.

I mean men attracted to men, you know, there's gay guys up and down this trip and over each other. And let me tell you something. Nobody's complaining, honey, right? So here's the deal when, when gays move into your neighborhood, there's three stereotypes that everybody says, you know, when gay people move into the neighborhood, these are three things everybody says, right? They say, number one, right?

What do they say? They say the neighborhood's going to become safer, right? Number two, they say property values are going to go up. And number three, they say there's going to be all these great new fucking restaurants and holy shit, the cuisine's going to be fucking unbelievable. Thank God the gays showed up. Now this neighborhood can fucking, you know, live up to its potential. Well, they showed up, definitely got safer, definitely less shady.

All right? So check on the first one. Stereotype number two, uh, the fuck did I say it was? No property value would go up. Yeah, it did. But I miss New York. It goes up everywhere. You know what?

It's an election year. I don't want to derail the podcast campaign. I'll give you credit on that one, gay people. It got safer and the property values went up. And then lastly, all this great cuisine was going to come here. And you know what? It still hasn't showed up. The food in my neighborhood absolutely fucking sucks.

And I am so sick of it. Okay? God damn it. I was told when these gays showed up that the fucking food was going to get better. And I think it's not only has it not gotten better, it's actually taken a nosedive. I just went out and got a burrito, right? What kind of asshole leaves Los Angeles and then tries to get a burrito in New York? You're listening to him.

This asshole. All right? The burrito was fine. You know? Chicken burrito, whatever. It's funny. You know, I looked at the menu. It was all this fucking shit.

I just looked at the waiter. I felt like I disappointed him. I was like, can I just get some chips with guacamole salsa and like just like a chicken burrito? And I just saw it in his eyes like, oh, you want white people Mexican food? And I was like, exactly. I am as white as it gets. And I will have my Mexican food as white as I am, please, right?

And before, you know, Mexican people write it and tell me that's not real Mexican food. I understand. I get it. All right? Whatever. That's the question. How do you have all these gay people walking up down the street? You can't even make decent guacamole.

How the fuck does that happen? You know? Who do I blame in this? Are gay people slipping? Is it because these are the millennial gays and they're just emoji in each other? You know? I don't know what's going on. I'm blaming the gays.

I'm blaming you guys on this one. All right? Whatever pressure you used to put on a fucking neighborhood, you're not doing it anymore or what? You decided not to do it in my neighborhood. I was so fucking, you know, the anticipation of once you guys descended on this one straight, shady fucking neighborhood, you know, and the rainbow flags came out and all this shit. When the fuck is the food truck getting here?

That's what I want to know. Fucking pizza sucks. The fucking guacamole sucks. The Middle Eastern food sucks. How fucking, they just sucks. Everything is just like, it's, do you know how much I drink when I'm in my neighborhood? It's just so the fucking food, it's all like, just get shit-faced and didn't make it fill up that hole in your stomach.

Well, maybe that's how why all these gay guys are in such great shape around here. They're cooking at home. Ah, fuck. That pisses me off. I just had a fucking goddamn chicken burrito and guacamole this late at night. So at my age, you know, I'll probably have a heart attack around 8.30 in the morning. You know, at least it could have tasted good, right? Why is that fucking button on?

Now it's off. I wonder if you guys can hear this shit. Whatever the fuck are you going to do? I don't know why the fuck I bring my mixer and all this stuff. God damn it, I'm in a grumpy mood. And I was in such a great mood, it's nothing worse than when you're starving and you go out and you order a fucking meal, right? In a neighborhood that's now a gay neighborhood and it sucks.

I mean, I'm talking literally like the two dudes next to me at the end of their fucking meal, right? They fucking like kissed each other tenderly. Can I at least get some fucking decent guacamole? How much gay is it going to be around here if somebody gets a decent burrito? So I learned something. That stereotype is not true. Just because they show up doesn't mean the chefs are going to start fucking throwing

down. They're dropping the fucking ball. I'm not going to lie to you when the two went to kiss, okay? As open-minded as I am, I have to admit I was wearing a baseball cap and I tilted it down so I didn't see their lips meet. You know? Does that make me a bad person? If you're judging me, can I just tell you that one of them looked like that fucking scrawny

little dude that JLo married? Just imagine that guy kissing Lenny Kravitz. You know, forgive me, I didn't want to see it. You know, maybe that makes me a bad person, but whatever. I am a work in progress, just like everybody else. And I will have a decent bowl of fucking guacamole, you sons of bitches. All right, let's plow ahead here. So I flew out this morning and I actually have this app on my phone where I can listen

to the control tower and I'm just totally nerding out, you know, every time I hear the tower talking about our plane, I'm sitting there, he's talking about us. He just told us to go under this little fucking taxiway or whatever, you know? And so I'm flying up front, right? Because at this point, I spent 20 years in the back of the plane, I'm not fucking, I'm not doing that anymore. I don't give a shit if I lose money on the gigs. I'm flying up front.

And for all you guys, for 20 years, I sat in the back of the plane looking, what goes on on the other side of that curtain? What happens up there? What is that like? You know what happens up there, people? Spoiler alert, you know what happens? They treat you like a human being. That's what they do.

They treat you the way they treat everybody in the commercials about their airline, right? Everybody's smiling, having a good fucking time, you know? You got a seat that's actually comfortable, there's nobody leaning on you, nobody breathing on you. You're hungry, they bring you food, you're thirsty, they bring you a drink. They treat you like a fucking person, it's posted in the back, right? Just jamming you in there, stuffing you in there, right? So anyways, so I board first because, you know, I'm a fancy fucking guy, right?

So I fucking, I board, right? I can't say fancy guy, Jim Norton says that, fancy man. I'm a, I don't know what I am, I'm a fucking jerk off, right? So I get on, I get on the plane, right? And there's a fucking lady behind me, all right? The second she gets to her chair, she just starts yelling, going, sir, sir, sir, sir. You know, just yelling at this, at the fucking male stewardess, and he turns around, he's like, yeah, what's the problem, man?

She goes, there's something wrong with my chair. Is this broken? Is it broken? Like freaking the fuck out. The guy's like, no, the other person, just, you know, whoever was sat in this on the last flight didn't bring it all the way to the upright position. Oh, because I thought it was broken. You know, and right there, I immediately just fucking hated this woman.

Fucking beat me. I mean, she had this sniffles, she kept sniffing and shit, didn't give a fuck about anybody. And just, I swear to God, the shit that I thought about her, because she sat up in the front of the plane, I immediately judged her that she was some rich cunt. Meanwhile, I'm sitting up there, right? I know what she was thinking about me. This bald redheaded fuck, you know, he used his miles to get up here. Anyways, oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.

Can I apologize early for the fucking horrible fucking mood I'm in right now? I wasn't such a great fucking mood, you know, and I was actually, you know, walking down the street here in Manhattan, just laughing, looking at these people, so excited that I left this fucking place. People in their 20s look okay, all right, in Manhattan. They just got here. It's still exciting, okay? But this city beats the fuck out of you, all right?

I've always said, you know, if you can do it, if you have a desire to do it, at some point in your life, you got to come here and live here, just to do it, because it really is one of the most amazing cities you're ever going to live in. But you know what else is amazing about after you live here, you owe it to yourself to live here, and you also owe it to yourself at some point to fucking leave. I swear to God, dude, the amount of people that you see walking down the street that look like shut-ins, that finally just fucking came out of the cave of a goddamn apartment. Jesus Christ, I fucking walk into my building, and there's this lady standing there.

She looks like one of the patients on Shutter Island, fucking dark circles under her eyes. Her hat yanked down. Like one of those people that's like ageless, it's like, are you 70 or 26? I don't even know what, your skin is gray, right? She's with this older dude, kind of look like me, to be honest with you, a little chunk of me here, you know, probably a lot more jollier. He's probably not bitching about the guacamole, right? And I'm fucking like, hey, excuse me, hey, how are you?

Excuse me as I go to walk by, and she does like this weird like, to get out of the fucking way, like, oh my God, another human being, and then as I go to walk away, she starts singing in this beautiful voice as she walked out, she had an amazing, beautiful fucking voice. I was just like, what happened to you? Jesus fucking Christ. The way she looked, and then the sound that came out of it was like haunting, then I felt like I was in one of those horror movies, you know, that now I'm in and now I can't

get out. You know what I mean? She's actually a vampire is going to come by later to feed, you know, then I become her boyfriend forever, because we're both vampires until she gets sick of me and finds a fucking, I don't know, a younger version of me. That doesn't happen, right? The fucking redheaded male is never a love interest. That doesn't happen in movies, you know, do you hear us bitching about it?

Huh? Are we boycotting anything? I don't think so. We just trudge on trying to stay out of the sun. That's what I feel like when I come into New York, everybody here just go, can you get some sun in your fucking face, something, what's that vitamin you get when the, when the sun shines on you? It's one of those fucking things that everybody just says in a bar, oh yeah, vitamin E, sun's

good for you, vitamin E, you know, not too much, but you know, it's good for you. You know what they say? You know what they say? It raises your levels of, oh, is that what they say? Is that what they say? They're a guy with this fucking name on his shirt? What do you do? Well, what do you, what do you fucking unclog during the course of the day?

What are you talking medical here for me? For me? Or to me? Why are you doing that? All right. Fucking plumber. I say that would extreme prejudice, you know? Just the one trade I don't respect, the plumbing, you know, because I go to Home Depot and I

swear to God, I can almost figure it out. Electrical, that's like wizardry. You're a fucking wizard. All right. Plumbing. I mean, Jesus, I mean, you just open the door, so everything's right there in the sink. You know, once it goes into the wall, then I give it to you. You know what I mean?

Then you're a closer. All right. But if you just find it, what are you doing, hit it with a wrench, you shut off the main fucking water. And you fucking, I don't know what you're doing, you're unscrewing, right? If you can, you can fucking open or you can take the lid off a jar. If you can remember what the thing is that's on top of a jar, right? You're smart enough to be a fucking plumber.

I just don't respect that trade. You know? Look, they really are, they're like welders of this shit, electricians of this shit. You can fabricate stuff, people who build hot rods, those, that's the upper echelon. Those are the, when they have like the, I work with my hand awards, my hands, I should say, they're not jerking off. I work with my hands when they have those awards, right? They got to have those at some point, the weldies, right?

There's some shit, whatever the fuck it is. You know, those are the people that bring home the fucking hardware. Nobody gives it to a plumber. Plumber. Yeah. I'm gonna clog something. What trade did you really want to be good at? Huh?

You know what's funny right now, there's a plumber out there that's actually getting upset by this. And someone will present it on another website as if I was fucking serious. Hang on, I'm trying to get through my fucking password here. Plumber. Jesus Christ. I mean, the whole fucking, it doesn't even sound respectable, does it? Oh my God, dude.

The other night, I fucking met Lawhead for a drink, okay? I was just like, dude, I've been trying out the booze, but I gotta have a couple, two or three, right? So he goes, all right. He goes, you know, I'm doing a spot. I'll meet you over at this bar. So we go to the bar, I'm sitting there. We're shooting this shit.

We're having a great time. And this is the plumber thing. This is what reminded me. So this big guy comes in. By big, I mean fat, all right? Big mother and hips, too. Puts it on like Oprah, thighs and ass. And then he also puts it on like a dude.

He puts it on like a chick, Anna, dude. This was just a fat man. And you know, he was obese, but he wasn't even biggest loser fat. He just was, he was just tall. He was a mountain of a fucking man. So he sits down at the bar stool, just off of the, you know, Lawhead's right shoulder. It's a really not a well-lit bar and I'm just sitting there and I'm looking and he's got this weird design on his pants and I'm just like, what the fuck is that?

That's weird. Is that a new style of jean? You remember those bedazzled jeans that everybody was wearing like 10, 15 years ago. It looked like he had a horseshoe on, on your pockets. You know, the big thing was to have the stitching like that the jeans were blue and then you had the, it was all white. I never bought those. I'm so fucking glad I never bought those.

There's not one picture of me in those. There's already pictures of me in Z-Cavarichis, okay? I don't need to, I don't need to, you know, jump on that trend either, you know? So I'm sitting there going, what is that design? It looked like, like, almost like he ordered custom pants and they put this design, right? And I looked a little closer, my eyes adjusted and I realized it was his hairy ass crack. I couldn't fucking believe it. This guy sat down.

He was so big, dude. I am telling you, it was the top of his ass crack. He was so fat, it was like twice the size of my whole ass crack. That's why I didn't think it was that and it was fucking hairy. I apologize for putting this image in you, but it was hairy. So it looked like it was a design and it, I just can't fucking, and, and Lawhead was caught my eyes when I realized what I was looking at and he was like, dude, what the fuck?

And when I told him what had just happened, I don't think I've ever made Lawhead laugh like that. He was fucking howling in this bar to the point, I think even the guy looked over at us. Oh my God. I kept saying that I said that you could measure. I was going, dude, how can that be? How can that be more ass crack?

Like this is weird. Like when you lose weight, like if you become a fat fuck, you have a giant ass. So you have this. I never thought about this. You have this giant fucking ass crack. So when you lose the weight, like the crack goes away too, right? That doesn't seem like it doesn't make sense to me because it seems like it's a hole in your body.

Kinda. You know, I don't, I don't know. I was trying to figure it out. I was, I was riffing about this, how disgusting this was. What the fuck did I say? I was saying, you remember that home run, Mark McGuire hitting the king dome off of Randy Johnson? I was saying you couldn't measure that home run with the amount of ass crack this guy

had coming out of the top of his pants. And that was just his, that was just his plumber crack. Oh Jesus Christ. What a fucking image. Thank God I already ate before I did this, huh? Um, all right, let's, uh, oh God, I wish I had video of my, you know, they always do those reaction videos that just fucking see like, you must have done that before. Right.

You know, when you look at some, oh, what is that? And then you realize, you know, I don't know, pretty much gross things in your head. Oh God, I got another disgusting story. Should I do it? At this point, if you get grossed out easily, um, you know, you should have tapped out by now. You want another gross one? You know what?

I got, I got to read the advertising. I promise I'll tell you this one is really, really fucking gross. Um, all right, here we go. You know what? I'm going to tell you that the, I'm going to tell you that one and I'll tell you another one of like the, basically the two grossest things that ever happened to me on off. There's another one. Jason, you know what's funny?

They're all like fucking 15 years apart, like every 15 years, like just something fucking gross happens to you. I mean, if you're lucky as a human being. All right. Here we go. Let's get the reeds going here. All right. Oh shit.

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All right, I'm not going to tell you all the gross stories. I'll tell you, I'll tell you one quick one. All right, I was living, I have roommates, I was living in this place and I got up early and I went into the bathroom to take a shower and I looked down and what looked to be a brown washcloth, you know, that was all twisted up, the bottom of the shower, I think you know what's just going. It's down to pick it up and if somebody had, one of my roommates had shit in the shower, I never got over that.

I woke them all up. They were all awoken by who shit in the shower and they were laughing because, I don't think laughing because it was hilarious and then also I started laughing because of the alliteration. I did, but I literally could not eat with that hand for like fucking a month and thinking now I actually, I don't remember which hand it was, it was fucking disgusting, it's the grossest thing. It's not even funny, is it? You know what, if you're laughing at that right now, you're a sick fuck and who am I?

I told you about it, right? So anyways, I was on the plane and I started to watch this space movie and it's just another one of those space movies where it's just like everybody dies or people leave and it's always just like the one person left out in space, how are they going to survive? And I started to watch it. I was like, I already saw this fucking movie two years ago. Sandra Bullock did this movie, right? She could go out left alone.

When Richard Gere fucking floated off into, whatever his fucking guy's name is, the guy with the motorcycles, married the lady finally, guy from Oceans 11, one of those guys, he has so much charisma, all he has to do is just say the fucking line, you know? He doesn't have to throw, he doesn't have to throw any mustard on it, that guy. George Clooney, George Clooney, he just says the fucking line and you believe him, right? Fucking guy's fearless. Did you see him in that movie? You didn't give a fuck.

Damn, he's going to float out into space, he's still cracking jokes and shit. I'm just going to go over here and suffocate. Take it easy, Sandy, right? That's how a man goes out. I bet once he floated out of her fucking ear shot, he started crying. As you said, they are fucking floating around. You got to love sci-fi. You know why you got to love sci-fi?

I hate watching real shit about space, because all they do is just tell you how infinite it is and how insignificant we are. It's like, I get it. I got it. Do you have anything else? Have you found one fucking living thing out there? You haven't. So there's really nothing to report other than it's so fucking immense and we still don't

have the technology to meet anybody. That's why if you really want to see something about space, you got to watch a sci-fi movie. Say what you want about them, at least they find shit. There's car chases and people, hot chick aliens, space bars and stuff like that. You fucking put on one of those Bravo shows with that black guy there who fucking knows everything. What's his name? He's like the guy from The Matrix, Lawrence Fishborn.

Fishborn? Whatever. He's like that guy except he's real. Lawrence is real. I'm talking about his character. I fucking watched that guy. I've watched that guy like three times and I just was, he had me believing that we came from the trees.

I'm like, this guy is, yeah. And I was like, I thought we came from the ocean of mud. I was going with that and this guy's like, no, we're from the trees. We got the same fucking, I don't know what he said, but I mean, there was nothing. There was nothing between my ears that could argue with anything that he said, you just have to fucking listen to it. I remember just sitting there watching the guy just going like, this has got to be what it's like when you join a cult.

Like how dumb I feel right now. That's what you have to do. Like I was reading this, this fucking thing, who's getting who? I was browsing it. I don't really read anything. I saw this picture and I just put words to it in my brain and now I'm telling it to you. There's some fucking guy, I don't know, he had like 80 wives, one of those fucking weirdos out in fucking Utah.

You know what I mean? Either that or he's just like, how come rappers don't talk about those guys? They're always talking about fucking pimps. How about a guy that's got 80 fucking women? They all know about each other and they're all smiling in the fucking picture. Huh? I want to see somebody else pull that off and not live in the middle of fucking Utah. I don't know what the fuck it is about Utah, but you could talk a woman into anything out

there. You're the one for me. I am. Yeah. You and those 79 other bitches. Okay. Now go make me some butter, bitch. This guy's in prison and he's still running that's this harem.

They don't know any better. You know, when you're walking around with little house in the prairie clothes, I mean, you could fucking tell people anything. That's the key. You know what I mean? I think if you want to start a cult, it's very difficult to start it with people that have gone to a department store and bought their clothes. You know, but if you, if there's a group of people that are standing there and close that

they made themselves, you get that's where you start. You know what I mean? It's like when you got a shit team. All right. And you got the number one draft pick the, the, the team, the guy, the person you're going to build your fucking team around that franchise player. When it comes to cults, those, the franchise tag is on all those people with those little house in the prairie clothes, those Quaker clothes, right?

The QCs, you know, you ever think about start, I'd start a cult. I would do it. You know, I would definitely start a fucking cult. But then I, after a while, I wouldn't want to do the work. And I would just, I'd sort of, I'd start like, what do you call that? When you fucking don't want to do your job and you have other people do delegating. I'd start delegating all the fucking things. And then granted at one point, some people going to be like, well, he said he was

Jesus. How come he's not doing anything? I don't remember reading anything about Jesus being, being lazy. Me just sits around and fucks everybody. I'm getting sick of this, man. Shit. Maybe I'm Jesus, right? And then he takes over and then all of a sudden they all show up one day.

You know, is there anything scarier than angry, stupid people standing in clothes that they made themselves? Just picture what that would look like. You know, the amount of mono browse staring back at you and you just have to relinquish your power and just at some point ease your way out the back door and let them know that you're not the son of God. There's a fucking afternoon for you, huh? Jesus Christ, how many dead bolts would you have on your bedroom door?

Um, speaking of which, by the way, I got all the fucking interior door locks fixed on my house. They all have fucking skeleton keys. And then I found this fucking person on the internet, on the interweb. As Richard Rollins says, fast and loud. Uh, another great show. Um, I got someone that's going to line it up with the door jam. You know, the little fucking latch thing there and then I'm going to be good to go.

It's going to be, I can't wait. Very excited about that. And speaking of great shows, I'm finally caught up with better call. Sol, I feel like such a, not only a bad fan, considering, you know, Vince hooked me up to be, you know, have a small part in breaking bad. I should have been watching right along. But what happened was those of you who listened to the podcast last year, I fucking was taping the thing.

And for some reason I didn't get episode three and then I suck with computers and the internet. I couldn't figure out where else I could watch it. So I've been stuck on episode two. So finally they came on Netflix. Right before season two started and I just binge watched the entire first season and it was fucking unbelievable. It was fucking amazing starts.

It just, it's, I don't want to ruin anything for you, but I got to tell you something like, uh, the level of acting that, that, uh, everybody's doing, but like Bob Odenkirk, man, you know, it's very rare that someone is, is, is great a comic as he is, is equally as great a fucking actor. He was, I want you guys to watch it just cause you got to see, he has this blowout fight, I can't ruin this for you with a relative. And you know, you just say mean shit to each other. His brother says something to him.

I've been thinking about that line for like the last five fucking days. It was just, I don't know. It's one of those lines that in real life usually get set around the holidays. Have to even sitting on something for 20 fucking years. And when it comes out, it's needle off the fucking record and the relationship is over. It's just like, yeah, dude, I'll see you when you're in your death bed or I'm on my death bed or maybe never again.

I mean, it's, it's a fucking wrap. It's over. Um, Oh man, the writing was just, it was just fucking outstanding. And, um, can't say enough good things about it. And I am totally caught up and, uh, I can't wait for next week's fucking episode. There you go. There's my little plug there for better call.

So, um, and with that, that's it for this, uh, checking in on your podcast. Once again, I apologize for, uh, you know, for not doing the podcast on, on timely fashion, a timely fashion. What the fuck you said? I realized that I brought up that app. Sorry about the shit in the shower story. The ass crack one was funny. I don't give a fuck who you are.

Um, by the way, that app is 3 99 that I, when, if you want to listen to the towers anywhere where you're at, it's called live ATC.net app. Just do that ATC air traffic control. Um, and it's really cool. Like I just thought you could listen to the towers near you, but you can actually, um, I was at LAX today and I was listening to, uh, Logan airport in Boston. And it's really cool. Cause you, you basically like, I'll click on California.

They got Burbank, Camarillo, Concord, any place, El Monte, any place you want to go to, and when you click on it, as I'm doing right now, okay, this one has ground and tower, and then you click on that. Um, and then there's what's really cool is they have like a diagram of the airport. So like you can actually, you know, I like to listen to one, whatever, whatever airport I'm at, as we're taxing out to the, um, to whatever the fucking runway, Jesus Christ bill, you know, you think you'd know that, um, go out to the runway.

I just like listening to it and it's fucking cool as shit. And, um, you know, you watch on the, um, Jesus bill, all the taxiways going by. Sorry, I'm trying to multitask here, answering a text message. I apologize. Let me put the fucking phone down. See that, see that, pick it up. And all of a sudden I thumb just starts clicking on other stuff. I'm gonna start fucking looking at Twitter when I'm trying to do a podcast here.

Anyway, she get the whole layout of the airport. And as you're going down, you can tell what taxiway you're on. And then, uh, there you go. See that you just listened to that shit. So that guy just obviously was cleared to land and that was the runway. And he said his tail number. That's it. So I just listened to that shit because, uh, that's one of the hard things when

you first get a pilot's license, when, when you get up there, it all just sounds like join it down. We're going to, I don't even have Southern accents, but that's what the fucking sounds like to me. Um, you know what's funny is when this shit happens, when I, uh, when I'm just like walking around, like I'll accidentally, instead of pocket dialing, I'll hit this fucking app. And, uh, if you're in the mob, do not get this fucking app because they'll think

it's a bunch of fucking feds in a, in a van down the street. You know, if you're fucking sitting there in a mob meeting and all of a sudden you got this fucking thing going and you're talking about some bullshit and out of nowhere, this thing comes on. Come on, just do it one time. One more time for me. Come on. This is LAX.

Oh, it's a quiet night out there. You know what I mean? All of a sudden you just hear some fucking guys voice in there talking to some official. Hey, who the fuck out there fucking next, you know, the yanking your tongue through your throat. Um, all right. So that was a long way to go.

Long way to go. Who uses a prop in a podcast? Oh, freckles does. Hey, go fuck yourselves, your cunts. I hope you have a great weekend and, uh, his little music from Andrew Thamelis and a little throwback podcast from a Monday or Thursday gone by. You know, a few weeks ago, somebody was asking me, uh, you know, they wanted to break up with somebody and I was saying, listen, you gotta listen,

you know, the person who has it down how to do the breakup was mini van men podcast's own celebrity star Al Madrigal. But if you don't have time to email Al Madrigal, just listen to LL Cool J, uh, big ol butt. I don't know why I never really listened to him when I was growing up. You know, mama said knock you out. Oh, did she? Is that what she said?

LL Cool J. I don't care. You know, I just wasn't into what his deodorant and his armpits when he was jamming with those white guys. I just, I never got into it, but lately, I don't know. I don't know what happened. I just just come onto my YouTube shit. I don't know what it is, but I was listening to some of his stuff.

Well, I know why. Yesterday I was trying to remember like, what was that song he used to have that I'm the type of guy and you're the type of guy. What the fuck was that? And then I listened to it and I kind of liked it, but I hated that. Oh, we all part of it really annoyed me. I'm like, oh, that's why I never downloaded this shit. But then on the side, they had a LL Cool J big old butt.

You know, I played drums. I'm like, well, let me hear what this track sounds like. Can I put it on and he basically teaches you how to break up with a girl in that song or that rap or that, uh, that rhyme, whatever, however you're supposed to say it. He breaks it down and just in like fucking 11 seconds. He sits this girl down. He's basically hanging out in like some sunglass hut or some shit. And some girl comes in with an insane ass and he does whatever he guy does.

He stares at it. He thinks I want to fuck that. But oh shit, I have a girlfriend. So what does he do? Does he sneak around on her? No, he goes home and he sits her down. He says, listen, I met this girl named Tina. Okay, Tina's got a big old butt.

I know that I said I'd be true. Really whiten this up. But Tina got a big old butt. So I'm leaving you. It's, I mean, that's just fucking airtight. You can't fuck with that. He was 100%. I don't even know if she could get mad.

I think that's that I think women so expect guys to be lying weasely pieces of shit that if you actually hit him with that level of honesty, I think they would just be stunned. Just like the chick in the video. Like I didn't think that that was bad acting. I think that they would absolutely be stunned if you just came home and said, listen, I met this girl. I know that I said I'd be faithful to you, but she's better looking than you.

So I'm breaking up with you. What is the combat? There's nothing. Maybe like if your girl came home and said, listen, I know we're together, but this guy, you know, I met him at the mall. His dick is twice the size of yours and he's got a better car. So it's kind of a no brainer. I'm out of here.

What are you going to do? What are you going to do with your little dick and your fucking Domino's pizza? It's over. You just got to fucking be like, you know, you only go around once. So, uh, yeah, I get it. So anyway, so if you don't have time to email Al Madrigal, which you should, which you should just listen to LL Cool J big old butt. You got to see his face because so I'm leaving you.

It's, it's, I don't can't explain it. It's way meaner than it has to be. That's what it makes it funny. Because there's a way to read that where you kind of let them down easily. You know, but he didn't, he just did it like, yeah, this is how it works. So there you go. Look at that on a holiday. Um, anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast.

Um, it is the end of May. Everybody. All right. How many days are in May? 30 days has September. So does April and November. All the rest have a bunch of other dates. Except for February.

Uh, go fuck yourself with your song. Um, so you got 30, 31. Ah, fuck. What is it? April has 30, June has 30, May's 31. Well, what I got the little thing I can click right here. Oh, I have a computer. I don't need to think.

All right, it has, why is it in September? Oh, for Christ's sake. Do I have to click another button? It has 31 days. All right. So you until have, and you guys have until Thursday midnight to make something of May, 2012. All right.

Are you in a fucking relationship? You don't want to be in, do you want to be in this relationship? You don't want to be in in June. Why don't you celebrate the end of May by getting out of your fucking relationship and sitting down and basically just go with the LL Cool J Vibe, hold her hand and just go straight honesty. And then what, what's she going to do? What's he going to do?

They're going to flip the fuck out, but the die has been cast. The ship is set sail. The ball is already rolling. The sun is setting. The rain is falling. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. It's out there. Just put it out there.

Let him scream and yell and in your head, as my son said, scream and yell and in your head as much as he sucks, you're going to be like, okay, I did it. I did it. Now I just got to sit there and get yelled at. And how long could somebody really yell before they lose their voice? An hour, 90 minutes and an hour and a half. I'm going to be in the car listening to LL Cool J driving away from that

thing I didn't want to be in. All right. Now I know I talk about this shit a lot, but I think a lot of people are in situations like this. They don't know how to sit somebody down. They just say, so I'm leaving you. You know, if I was LL Cool J and I stopped, you know, selling tickets and all that type of shit, that would be a side business that I would have.

I would take that little fucking rhyme that he had and I would custom do it for everybody in their life and just, and then people could just write you. All right. And you charge it out. You charge him a hundred bucks and he would write you a, you know, four bars. It all rhymes and you just get out exactly what you're saying, you know, just be like, you eat with your mouth open. I know I said that I'd be true,

but you eat with your mouth open. So I'm leaving you. You just get right, you just get right down to it. Your mom is a fucking cunt. I know I said that I'd be true, but she's fucking always coming over here and something rhymes with cunt. You know, you got, you got the idea. All right, Jesus Christ.

What do I have to be yellow? All right, we're going to lose Bill Burr soon. So let's get back into this. Mark from a dozen, uh, Furies. Hey, I guess so. All right. Hi, what's up? It's Bill Burr.

I'm standing here with, uh, guys from a dozen Furies. How do you guys think your set went today? I think it went really well, man. I mean, it's, it's probably been the hottest day so far on the whole tour, but, you know, we're Texas boys. We're used to the heat, so get up there and do our thing, man. So you guys are like brand new. You guys have won like a contest or something to get on this?

Um, yeah. I mean, we, we want a contest to be on the show. I mean, to, uh, you know, be on the tour. But, you know, we've been a band for about two years now, been touring on our own and doing our own thing. And, you know, this was pretty much just a blessing and a, you know, a big step forward for us. Definitely a blessing.

How well, uh, this is what I'm trying to get these guys to say some fucked up, like what you do on tour. And these guys, these guys are covered in tattoos. They all look like Mick Mars, the motley crew. And they just had like the nicest guy. They even used a blessing, everything blessing to be here. I noticed that at the last, God willing, we'll go on for the next tour. I'll try to angle it towards some sort of smut and they just keep going back to the church.

I remember that when we did the auspice thing and they're, they're eating vegetarian meals backstage, tofu and drinking little green tea, it's like, what? You're all, you're all patted up. They watched, they watched behind the music. They saw, yeah, what happens. Meanwhile, you listened behind of this. It's definitely a contrast.

Soundtrack to hell is playing. You're right. There's something going on in the background that just listened to music. How well, uh, how well the people know you here? Um, so far it's been great. I mean, we've done two signings and they've been packed in tons of kids. What's the biggest asshole crowd you guys have been in front of? Just been like, fuck you.

You're the opening man. None yet, man. They've all been really cool. I think like they came out not expecting like us to do what we actually do. You know, everybody thought we were just going to be some MTV show band and stuff like that. But it turns out, you know, everybody's like, man, you guys blew us away. And it's really cool. Like there's a lot of support from the fans and shit.

So I mean, really cool. Oh, that's cool. Hey, you're the, you're the drummer, right? Yes, sir. Have you ever like went to throw the drumsticks in the crowd and some dude was pissing you off? So you can kind of rather than toss it, just fucking throw it at him? Uh, not really, man. It's just not, uh, look out there.

No, I could put an eye out and we wouldn't do things like that. I make sure it's a rubber tip. And I guess we have special styrofoam drumsticks that we throw out. So it's not to injure any of our loving fans. Wow. They were not biting. Even these hardcore fans have become PC. We're the NCB.

Oh, it gets even better. I started out as far as like. Look out there. So many people talk really folks up on first. And so, you know, it's who gets the most pussy. None of us. We're all, we're all taken, man. We're in loving relationships with lovely women.

It's just, it's just the most anti-rock and roll. Wow. Rock and roll band. Man, we're all good. Jesus Christ. We're all good boys, dude. This is really, guys, the tattoos. I'm thinking this is going to be maniac going back there.

You guys are all committed. Oh, we're all committed. Anybody got a baby on the way? You want to announce? Yeah. Here's got a daughter already. What's her name? Madison, Madison.

That's a beautiful. Oh, and the names of their kids. Oh, Madison. It's not a safe. Madison. Destin for a pole, though. If you think you can. Madison.

You know what Zach named his son? What? Hendricks. Hendricks. Jimi Hendricks. Really. What a fucking animal. He's still the real deal.

He's an animal. But these newer bands, you know, Billy. Just trying. Just trying. Beautiful. Trying. I got him to do a PSA, though, in the end. What's her name?

Madison, Madison. That's a beautiful name. Hey, we're doing a skin cancer. Awareness thing here on Opium Anthem. So if you guys could just say something to make the kids aware about skin cancer, just wing it, anything. Throw a couple of fucks in there

so the kids will listen to it. You know? Dude, we are out in the sun all day long every day. And we put on sunblock probably like five times throughout the day, man. You know, you got to take care of yourself. You got to take care of your skin. Start over again.

Just throw a couple of fucks in there. Seriously. Yeah, yeah. They're crazy over there. Start over again. All right. Just say for skin cancer awareness. All right, man.

We're fucking caught facts. And we put on a lot of sunblock. Fuck. Ah, yeah. We're out in the fucking sun all day long, man. It's just fucking beat down on you. And you know, dude, you got to fucking take care of it, dude. You got to wear sunblock.

You got to wear it over and over again. Especially if you want to keep the tattoo fresh, dude. You need to tighten it up. Just tighten it up real quick. Just real quick. Wear your fucking sunblock. All right, guys. All right, listen.

Shit. Bro, bro, what a fucking handle. Great idea. Make them do penis. A lot of each with each band. Because I had no idea where they were. So with each band, I just made whatever the PSA was more ridiculous. And just always had them like, just throw a couple of fucks in there.

Yeah, because the kids. Yeah, the kids, you know, crazy. Something with a little rock and roll attitude. I got to say, going into that, I was like, audio from a band called A Dozen Furious. Who cares? That was really interesting on a lot of levels. Oh, they just, they.

Good job, Bill Burr. It's one of them. You ever have an orgy? Ah, you know, more just like one-on-one connection with somebody. You know, I got to have feelings very monogamous on our relationships. They're just not living that rock and roll lifestyle anymore. We know that at the last house. Yeah, but they have whole arms.

Oh, no, I understand. I understand. They got all the. They're looking the part. They got the piercings, the tattoos, the mixed messages. Yes. All right. What about this band, Shadows Fall?

Yeah, same shit. I just would ask them questions and would go nowhere. And then I just had them do a PSA. Yeah, well, we got to listen until we get to the PSA. Of course. It's Brian from Shadows Fall. Yo, what's up, it's Bill Burr. Open Anthony Show.

I'm talking to Brian Fair from Shadows Fall. Great set, man. How'd you feel about it? Oh, it's been awesome, man. The whole house fest is just incredible, man. You know, sharing a stage with Maiden and Sabbath doesn't get any better than that. Yeah, see this. How the hell do you sing like that for so long?

I mean, I yelled at my dad like that for about 20 minutes a month. Time I couldn't talk with three days. I'm used to it for yelling at my girlfriend that much. You know, it builds it up. You're going to build the strength, you know? Well, you know what? I'm going to do that drop right now. You know what's good?

You're glad you brought that up. We had Open Anthony's doing like a thing for like domestic violence awareness. Yeah, somebody kicked the shit out of their girlfriend and like no work or something. Yeah. So just, just, just ad-lib some sort of drop and not do domestic violence to your girlfriend or whatever or not. And you know, it's kind of, we have a toss a couple of F-bombs in there just because our listeners are retarded.

So, but just try to keep the good message. So just say it was Brian Shadows Fall and stuff and stuff and all that, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just don't beat your girlfriend, you know? Oh, no! This is such a great gag. You rock, Phil. Fantastic violence.

You're going to have to come back and redo this, this new gag, right? This is your thing. So just say it was Brian Shadows Fall and stuff and all that, all right? Yeah, yeah. Just don't beat up your girlfriend, you know, fucking don't beat up your girlfriend. What's up? This is Brian from Shadows Fall. Man, you got to stop punching your girlfriend out there.

Save that shit for the bedroom. You know, that's where it's at, but don't take it to the streets. Okay, do it again. Just throw like one fuck in there. That's the way to go. They're idiots. What's up, it's Brian from Shadows Fall. Just say it.

Stop hitting your fucking girlfriend, you idiots. All right, save the violence for the bedroom. All right, cool. All right, man. So where do you guys go from here? After this, where the hell are we tomorrow? Two days here and then we got... Yo, I don't even know where we go.

I get the bus and they bring me where I got to be. That's hilarious. What do you think about playing out here in the parking lot? Do you think it was going to be more like a seated area? Because I know I did. I was kind of like... We actually were on the main stage. That's it.

I like the parking lot vibe actually better because there's no seats in the way kids can go crazy. That's the thing, we're going to be playing with their seats. So it's a little different, but it works out. How long have you guys been a band for? Almost 10 years actually now. Oh, good deal. You got a new album or anything coming out?

The War with That, right? The War with That has been out for a little while. We're going to be doing one more tour after Allspice and then working on a new record. So keep an eye out for that. No, that's awesome. Always keep us posted, man. Thanks a lot.

Thanks for that domestic violence drop. No problem. All right, cool, man. Thank you. All right, that shit is that funny. Don't beat up your fucking girlfriend. Yeah, f-bombs. They're idiots.

Save it for the bedroom. Save it for the bedroom. What? It's a puncher in the bedroom. Oh, god damn, is that funny. That's really good. We got one more here from Peter from Inflames. Yeah, this guy's...

Hey, what's up? It's Bill Burr, opening Anthony's show. You know that because you're listening to this shit. I'm with the bass player from Inflames. Peter Iwers. Hey, how was your set today, man? It's going to be fine. We haven't played yet, but it's...

Oh, yeah, haven't played yet? All right, we need to start that again, son. I don't look like Anthony. You're not going yet. No, fuck it, just keep going, man. I'm like a retarded... I got no reference there. So how do you think your set's going to go tonight?

You looking for it? Are you on the main stage? Yeah. Are you over there? I think it's going to go great. I mean, it's... We always put in 150%. And, you know, it's a bit different playing

from sitting down crowd, but still it's going to be great. So far, all the shows have been amazing. So I'm pretty sure today will be as well. So you guys are like your vibe, you're more mellow, melodic. Is that like how you guys are? I think we're metal.

It's hard to categorize us into one thing, basically. Okay, all right. So you're not like Iron Maiden meets... You're not like catch movies and stuff. You're like Iron Maiden meets... I guess we could say that, but it would be unfair probably to just categorize it into one...

I don't like that. We're metal batter. All right, that's cool, man. That's cool. How long have you guys been playing? A long time now, since... I think it's like 12 years or something. The band's been...

Like 12 years? I remember everybody in the band, if you had to kill someone, who would you kill? Myself. You kill yourself? The road sign that gets here? No, no, but I mean, wouldn't be fair to the others, otherwise to choose one.

Oh, God. I just, no one would go with it. No one wants to commit. Wouldn't be fair to the others. Wouldn't be fair to the others, otherwise to choose one. I like this guy. This guy, I can tell, you're like the peacekeeper in the band, right?

You're like the mellow one. Listen, man, we're also doing... This is kind of a side thing. We're kind of doing this benefit... Somebody beat up a special needs kid in Newark, and so we just want you to just say, just give a shout out to the kids so they know not to beat up somebody

with special needs, you know? So just say like, hey guys, it's not cool to beat up somebody just because they're different or whatever, you know? Just, you know, just like a quick, kind of like a sound bite. And it's kind of weird, but throw a couple of, you know, fucks in there just because I kind of retarded, you know what I mean?

So you need to like... Then he's just gonna like rock and roll, you know? So just wing it. Hey guys, this is Peter from Flames. You should treat everybody equally, and don't beat anybody up, or do something bad to them just because they're different. Everybody's the same way.

Okay, that's totally the perfect vibe. Just throw in special needs, and throw in like one or two fucks. The ups, yeah, the upwards. Yeah, just kind of... Like I said, they're retarded. Same thing again, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, this is Peter from Flames. Treat everybody the same way, even people who stuff special needs and everything like that. Don't fucking go and do any bullshit, and start beating people up because they're different. Treat everybody the same way. That's beautiful. And the kid's name is Russell.

Just give him a shout out, the same thing. A couple of fucks and a big metal fan, so it means a lot to him. That's the kid who got beat up, Russell, from Newark. Hey Russell, what the fuck are you doing? Sorry to have you here today, I'll just take care of yourself, man. See you soon.

All right, dude, that's beautiful, man. Thank you so much, and good luck tonight. That's beautiful. Holy shit. You are insane. I wish you could have seen the looks on their face as they're trying to wrap their fucking head around the concept. I don't doubt it.

I love having the same breath you say and this poor special needs kid. Yeah, listen, he's a fucking retarded. They use this archaic term like retarded. Oh, wow, Bill. That's great. Yeah, that was great. Just add special needs and throw a fucking there.

Oh, and they just do it. Say hi to Russell. I'm not just drowned the clown guy. What's this? Oh, this guy was one of the funniest acts I've ever seen. He was a, what's it called? Drowned the clown. You basically, you know, the Dunkin' Stool?

Yeah, Dunkin' Stool thing. So some guy is sitting there in this clown mask and he's just trashing these people. Half of them are fucking like totally old jokes. But he says, hey, look at the light trash people. Ah, you fucking loser. And then he just had this maniacal laugh like the clown. And then he just go, ah, at the end of it,

it was so fucking obnoxious. He got some skinny kids. He kept calling them a crackhead. And this dude is literally walking behind where you throw the balls like, go, come on down from the stool. Come on down from the stool. He wanted to kick his ass. He would get these people so mad

and there'd be like 20 of them. And he'd get them so mad. But by the time that they actually like dunked him, they would all start giving the finger go, yeah, fuck you. Fuck you. You might need video on this one. I don't know. Let's take a listen.

It's obnoxious Drowned the Clown guy. Oh, look at this guy. Hey, buddy, do you want a milk plate to stand on? What do you want to be when you get old? The fighty. Short people got nobody. Short people got nobody. All right, and then he's taunting him.

Look at the wet. I'm not short. All pissed. Here's obnoxious Drowned the Clown guy. I guess a chick with no boobs was in the area. Huh? Hey, Blondie, I know you love me. You just don't know it yet.

Oh, baby doll. You been to CBGB before? Yeah. You know why I could read your shirt? Because you're a clock of his dreams. Slide is a board and easy to screw. Hey, buddy, you better get up back to the pound. The median time's over.

It's kibbles and bits time. Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits. I'm going to get me some kibbles and bits. Come on, play the game, Lucy. Hey, sweetheart, I got one more joke for you. Sweetie, A-G-I-J, look at me. You got such beautiful blonde hair. Why'd you dye the roots black?

This shit was just old jokes. Just fucking the most horrendous jokes. And you said that. He sounds like Keith Robinson. I love this guy. An obnoxious asshole. You could have seen these fucking people standing around. There was one dude, he was completely bald on top and he had a hat on.

And I don't know if he lost his hat, but his face was like Puerto Rican brown, right? And then his fucking head was totally white. And look at this loser. Look at your fucking head. And he's just screaming at him. And this fucking guy is just losing. Yeah, look at my head.

Look at my head. Fuck you. And then they would try to throw the balls even fucking harder and they're like missing by like 20 feet. And every ball they throw, he's like, ah. Ah. Oh, what an asshole. It was actually, it was literally like a better job than stand up in a way.

Yeah. You didn't have to just fucking sit there in a goddamn parking lot. You don't have to do an act. You just fucking irritate people. Just taunt people and it doesn't matter how bad they try to heckle you back. We got more from the obnoxious, drowned clown guy. What are you talking about? I say, what are you saying?

Hey, buddy, I know you ain't got a green card. You got a green card. Let's do this like in Mexico. Love that laugh. Can we isolate that? I want that on my machine. He the worst. Get that on my machine.

All right. Another loser that he was making fun of here. Run, run, run. What are you going to do? Look, be a later loser. Dude, we was standing out there for like six hours and you heard that laugh like every three seconds. Oh, people in the Yagatain like, I'm going to fucking kill it.

I put my head on the pillow and that's all I hear is that guy laughing. What are you doing, you bonehead? Throw the ball. Come on, you loser. Give me the second part of it, though. Oh, he wouldn't do the laugh. He could only do the laugh when he was up on the floor. Yeah, he probably doesn't even know what you're talking about.

The ah part. You know what you look like with that red shirt on? This is big neck. You look like a fire truck. Coming through. Come on, fat boy. Put your weight into it. Not the over.

It takes two women to hug them and are you whole to love them? Oh, my God. I'm going to do that all day. That laugh now just walked down the street. We got to get that guy in the show. How do we get a hold of that guy? Ass. We need him on the show.

Crown the clown. We need him at the next road show, man. Well, we're starting to put together our first anniversary show. Someone says it's nice to see Colin Quinn getting work. You wouldn't have understood the taunt so something ironic. I was doing a gig in a while with many years ago. It's probably three years in the business and some guy was heckling me

and he just wrecked me. I talked to him after the show and he's really a cool guy. And there was one of those guys. It was one of those fucking. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, some of them like that guy. Pretty good.

It doesn't matter how old the jokes are. It doesn't matter. You say with the right attitude, it's going to work. You're going to piss people off. It's fantastic. Oh, yeah, that. If you're completely uninhibited and you're not going to shut up, you'll win every time.

Yeah. Very funny stuff. Bill, you got to leave or you're staying? I can hang till a little bit up to 10. All right, cool. We'll take a break. I'm wacky. Cause I'm a man for my own.

The only answer I've got for you. Cause I'm a man for my own. I don't know what you're thinking. Cause I'm a man for my own. I don't know what you're thinking. What am I talking about here? Can they show that fucking John Malkovich talking to his phone and just having the time of his life commercial one more fucking time?

What's more annoying that one or where that weird family does the a cappella version of Ozzy Osbourne's crazy train with that random black kid in the back? Like, where did they get that kid? Like, you know, is he an exchange student? And he just seems like he's over all of it and not enjoying hanging out with the other white people as he fucking shakes the ice in his great drink. You know, and then they got to end that great song with the parents singing like they're on Broadway going off the rails on a crazy train.

You know, anybody else with me on that? John fucking Malkovich sitting there all, you know, if that, if that commercial was 30 seconds longer, he'd have the phone like, like blowing him. Tell me a joke. Do I have anything coming up tonight? No. Oh, lobster souffle or whatever pretentious fucking foodie orders.

Was it pretentious bill or are you just not cultured and his order made you feel dumb? All right, you got me on that one. You got me on that one. Um, I'm the only one who's creeped out that there's a fucking robot in my phone. Or whatever it is. It's that they try to make it human. Why do they do that? Just make it sound like a robot.

How can I help you? Massage parlor. Just do it like that. So it still keeps that like, we keep that distance. I don't need intimacy with this thing that isn't fucking alive. I don't need that 2001 space Odyssey experience. That's all I'm trying to say here, people. Oh, he's Bill Burr.

He's mad at phones. Get out of his way, everybody. This guy's got something to say. What's the deal with John Malkovich? I'm in control. I have a conscience that it's never for. But it's prone to being overrun. You never know what I always think I'm right.

I can never accept it. I don't need a little smile. I have no voice if I don't speak my mind. My weakness is the source of all my pride. Until you are. Cause I'm a man who I don't know. I always think before I do. Cause I'm a man who I don't know.

What's the only answer I got for you? Cause I'm a man who I don't know. I always think before I do. Cause I'm a man who I don't know. I always think before I do. Cause I'm a man who I don't know. What's the only answer I got for you? Cause I'm a man who I don't know.

What's the only answer I got for you? What's the only answer I got for you? Cause I'm a man who I don't know. I always think before I do. I always think before I do. I always think before I do. I always think before I do. I always think before I do.

I always think before I do.