Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-20

Episode Date: February 28, 2020

Bill rambles about pop psychology, conspiracies, and Bryant Gumble.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Sorry. How are you? How's your week going? Oh, is it almost over?

Isn't that great? I was working my ass off this week. I'm just, you know, when you get so busy, it's like, I'm just trying to get to, if I can just get to March 3rd. And what do you think? You think it's all going to be downhill? All the craziness is going to be, and it's going to annually pass this project. I'm going to have my free time back.

I can get into my feels, man. But here's the deal. You're the one who booked your fucking schedule so crazy. I'm really not talking to you. I'm talking to me right now. I'm the one who booked the fucking crazy schedule, and then I'm acting like next month, I'm not going to be me still without doing any work on whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing. Whatever.

I have a, other than doing this podcast, I got today off, sort of run around. My daughter's got a bigger bed and had to go pick that fucking thing up. I got to go put that goddamn thing together. It's a labor of love, but you know, it still takes up to time during the day. Do I get any thanks? You know, do I get a ticket to a parade? You see me going on the social media saying that I'm underserved for so and so. You want to hear me complain?

All you got to do is turn on this podcast. I like putting shit together. I don't know what happens to my brain. I just slow everything down. I get fucking patient instead of impatient. I look at all the instructions. I count out all the things that I'm supposed to have. I set them up in little piles and I get like super fucking like anal about the whole thing.

Right. Cause I'm not going to say OCD the way people say narcissist and fucking sociopath. I was just talking about that with somebody. Just everything is just like this, like this four or five psychological conditions that people who are not cycle psychologists diagnose everybody's ass. Sociopaths, OCD, ADD and what's the last one? This is always the toughest one. Family feud.

The dumbest family member. The one they had to go last in the rotation. Can you, can you eat up some innings you dumb fuck, right? What do we got here? I would say, what's your five? Everybody's diagnosis, narcissistic, sociopath, OCD, ADD. And then I'm going to say, uh, uh, epileptics to underground, uh, would you go, what's that fucking thing, autistic on the spectrum, somewhere on the spec, you're somewhere on the spectrum.

You know, wide berth, 180 degrees all on front of you, right? 270 all the way over to 90. Um, that's what I would say. Most people are diagnosed as that, you know, except I've never gotten any of those diagnosis. I got, uh, I've gotten, um, borderline dyslexic and I've also been diagnosed as a cunt. Anyway, um, I've been all over the map, um, this past month and I haven't had time to work out, but does that, that shouldn't stop you from living the best you that you can while someone else sows to get to their clothes and sleeps on a concrete slab in a country

that for some reason is considered less, lesser than, um, I've still been able to get like workouts in. I just do the body white ones, which is easy for your legs, right? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, um, squats and whatnot, planks and whatnot and all that type of shit. I've fucking jacked my shoulder a couple of times, but I've been able to just, you know, I don't fucking just freeze it up again. I keep it moving, you know, oh shit.

You know what? I was watching real sports. Bryant Gumbel, Bryant Gumbel, Bryant Gumbel's real sports. Bryant, have you talked to Greg Lately Gumbel? I was watching his, uh, his show. They always did such a great show, um, and they were showing this guy that was on, uh, I want to say it was on the nationals and then he says, I'm good at two things, uh, you know, throwing a baseball and pissing people off.

And I was thinking, all right, that's, that's, that's something a young person says, you know, um, but then I actually watched him and, uh, hey, Nia, you want to come down and do the podcast for a second and talk about Bryant Gumbel? So anyway, so we're watching, so it turns out the kids actually like super, super, super smart. And he's doing all these, these, you know, he doesn't ice his arm down like they've always told you to do. He does like what an active recovery or some shit like that.

Yeah. That little stick that one thing. Come sit here so we can, we can hear you. Watch out for my little fucking, my smoothie there. My almond smoothie. Yeah. The belt was my, my belt was feeling a little tight yesterday. So anyway, um, Brian Gumbel, Brian Gumbel, right, Brian Gumbel got the dad brain here.

So we're watching this thing. So we always watch them. They just have these amazing stories and these guys go out in the field and they get the stories. And then what happens is inevitably is they come back into the studio and they fucking start talking to Brian Gumbel who, for whatever reason, seems to have a clipboard or some sort of pad of paper, legal pad and a pad and he's like furiously taking notes. He's like writing it down.

And it's like, Brian, what are you writing down? The story's over. It's done. They're coming to you with all the information. What are you making notes about? Like it's just so preposterous. I swear to God, he's writing down like what his assistant needs to get him or like what he wants for dinner that night or something like that.

I know. Cause what, is he going to go do a follow up interview? What is he writing down? Like with his glasses, like just, you know, scribbling it down and being like, all right. So follow up. And it's like, you know what, it's already, I don't know. And then I like how his diagnosis is the diagnosis. Even the guy says it.

He goes, why don't you think he, would you say he's a little, little paranoid and the guy goes, I would say he's a little defensive. So he's like, yeah. And he goes, yeah. A little sensitive. And he goes, so paranoid with the small P. It's like, yes, Brian, whatever you say, yeah, right that down on your little legal pad and the small P. It's your show.

So whatever, whatever you want it to be, sir. You really cracked me up. We were just sitting there watching, listen to the story and then Nia just looks over and she goes, the fuck is he writing down? Why is he always writing down things? What could he possibly be writing down? It's like, damn near a scripted show. Like, I don't understand what the notes are about, but I don't know.

Maybe he's that has to be the joke with the prop people there when they like, we've got to get him his pad and his pencil. Yeah. Maybe he is thinking of follow up stuff. Maybe he is watching these segments for the first time and then sitting down with the people, but I just don't, I don't think that that's true. Do you know what that reminded me of? Remember a long time ago when Dave Letterman was out for a week and he had all

those guest hosts and Will Ferrell came in and he hosted the show. He was amazing. And then he just had this random question. He just, he'd be asking just normal. Well, he did this movie. What was it like? And then I was sitting just, I don't know where he'd be. How much do you weigh?

And then you tell him how much you weigh and then he would just write it down and would never address it and continue dawn. And then everybody on the show who came out, he asked them how much they weighed. And then Jake, Joe Hansen was the comedian that night and Jake came out and, you know, and when he did his intro, hey, how's everybody going? And then he looked over at a will and he goes, uh, 185 and he did his set. Yeah, it was fun. Oh, it was funny.

I'm going to get in trouble. Oh, so it's okay when a white guy randomly writes something down. Uh, yeah. Okay. That's, I just wanted to talk about that. I don't know. Do you want to talk about the Bruins versus the Calgary flames? I know nothing about that.

The Celtics versus the Utah Jazz. Again, I'm at a loss. Uh, Blaming Generations for 200. Oh, Blaming Generations. Oh, like it's the baby boomers fault. Well, some, I just heard something this morning. Oh, what that stupid thing we listened, we took a lovely daughter to the doctor. She's awesome.

Everything's going great. Thank God. And she's, uh, just a general checkup for everybody. Freaks out, making sure she can, you know, cognitive, everything. She has a checkup. They do have their facilities. Yeah, they're going to see her next year. The next time she has a birthday, it's, yeah, it's all good.

So we were fucking driving and we listened to the NPR cause we're in Nia's car and Nia is just so smart and just so loves information. So I do love information. You know, I've been listening to, I've been listening to, uh, on, uh, one of the Ramones, what is it? Johnny Ramone, the drummer. He's like the only guy left and he's got this great fucking show and serious. I'll get you guys the name of it.

He's called the Godfather and he plays all of this fucking killer music from back then that I never listened to. I was never into that shit. He plays like, uh, everything from the shit that was going UCB, but like deep tracks of all of those bands, bands I never heard of. And then he did, um, he did this, this, this song by black flag called slide it in and there's this little snare drum fill in the beginning. Slide it in.

It's a very dirty. It's not suggestive at all. Not at all. So there's a drum fill in there and I was like, oh my God, I've, I've heard somebody do their variation of that. And it was Dave Grohl when he was on Queens of the Stone Age. I wonder if that's where his knuck is. I know he was like a big punk drummer, uh, loved all the punk drummers.

I mean, and was in a punk band and all that was in the bottom and all of that stuff. And I remember whenever you say was in a punk bands, I was like, God, I just never got into that shit. So I'm listening to this and I'm hearing all this great music, which is fucking amazing, really good. And, uh, then I heard this little drum fill. I mean, Dave did a whole drum solo before and then in the end he did like, I

think he gave a little nod to that guy, which made Dave even cooler in my book. Um, pretty, pretty damn cool. Yeah. So, uh, so anyways, I got off track. So we're driving over to the doctors and we're listening to NPR. Wait, wait, but can I ask a question real quick? Cause you said the Ramones, did they sing that song? 20, 20, 24 hours ago, I want to be sedated, bad, bad, bad, bad, where to go.

I want to be sedated. Can we start an awful band? Put me on a sub 10. I can't control my fingers. I can't control my brain. Whoa. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. I want to be sedated.

Got to finish it. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. I want to be sedated. Nia Renee Hill everybody. Thanks for stopping by the podcast. That would be perfect. And it there. But I have to talk to you about your pretentious NPR listening.

I like N, I like NPR. But they were talking about like this time during the history of France. That was the zone, zone, zone, the bad book, which was beautiful era, beautiful era, right? So they were talking, of course, they were focusing on all the stuff that women did back then, right? Cause it's NPR talking about the art that was depicted at the time. And some of the art that was depicted of was of the women doing

domesticated work, and they were just describing how the paintings and portraiture looked. But of course, the descriptions here are Nia's thoughts on it. They're not shared by the Monday morning podcast. No one can say anything about anything having to do with women without you taking umbrage to it, because you're so fragile and your masculinity. Admit it. Anyone talks about anything women are doing.

You're like, oh, fucking guys just sitting at home, like picking the rest. Like, what about us? Nia, you are ignore. I'm not saying that there's not a lot of truth in that. All right. Well, what you did it more was they were like showing all these paintings. They were going like, they just showing, you know, how much of the workforce was women back then?

Like 30% of the workforce was women doing laundry, right? And they're fucking going, they're talking about the woman ironing. You can just see him putting their whole bags into it, putting their weight into like a whole weight of iron and a fucking shirt. They're talking about washing. Cause you know, they have the washboard. Oh Jesus. Yeah.

Meanwhile, there was probably 18 guys dying a day, building the fucking Eiffel Tower. It is a competition. Everything's a competition. Nia, true asshole, man. Everything is competition. Sexist. It's not.

Yeah, you are. So are you. I'm not. No, you are. But what am I? I love you. Love you too. Let me kiss.

All right. Get out of my face. Beat it. I have no use for you. Course you are. Course you are. You're a woman. You came into a room.

You can't leave without a parting gift. Isn't she great? You know, she's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but you know what? I'll stick with her. Yeah. Um, it was ridiculous. They were like, can you just see these women? They're just putting their whole backs into it.

And I just burst it out laughing. Be, um, if this goes back to the everybody fucking making fun of that flat earth or who died in the steam rocket, you know, all of you fucking people who just sit there and you lay back and you let other people take the risk and die. And then they gain the information and then they repeat it to you. And then you walk around like you figured it out. All right. You didn't.

You just as dumb as I am. Oh my God, I fucking hate when I do that. This doesn't seem a big deal to you, but I just, I was trying to hit pause. I didn't want to, I was trying to see how much time was left. I hit the wrong button. Then I hit stop. I got to splice these fucking things together. I tell you, it is so difficult to be a wet male.

Doing his own podcast with now guys, uh, in the United States matter. Um, all right, plowing ahead here. Um, let's see what's I go, what was it? What was I going to do here? I just completely lost my train of thought. Bruins made a move. I guess I missed it. I was working.

I was hoping we were going to get some fucking lunatic to come up and beat the shit out of those fucking one dimensional St. Louis blues. If we meet him in the finals again. Bruins, trade, deadline, acquisition. Look at me with the big word. What the fuck did that one come from? All right. Bruins trade deadline moves affects Stanley effect cap.

All right. That missed me. We got rid of some, uh, lower paid people and ended up with a higher salary. What Bruins trade deadline deal means for their salary cap? Oh my God. Who the fuck cares? It's been the company mantra since Don Sweeney took over as Bruins general manager in the off season of 2015.

Bruins has coddled the line between winning and the president, preserving the future throughout the past four years. Jesus Christ. Who did they get? I don't know who they got. Let's just see if they beat Calgary and then I'll make my decision on whether or not that was a good move. Cause that's what a sports fan does.

Verse Bruins, give me the score Calgary. Five to two. We lost again. Christ. We traded away a guy with hot for some flashy guy on the fucking ducks. I blame him for this whole fucking one game losing streak since he's played with us. Um, all right. Well, we fucking got the shit kicked out of us.

We'd let up 14 goals in the last two games. All right. Well, this is good. It's not bad. It's not bad to happen in February. Scares you when it happens, you know, towards the end of the season. All right. We've been having good games.

Everything's going to be fine. Um, and I believe the Celtics hung on, not hung on. They will do, they will like up by seven, I believe that's hanging on hanging on to beat Utah. I don't know, Bill. Why don't you get the fucking score before you start the park? Yes, guys, because that's not how I do it. All right.

I do have something to promote here. March 10th, March 10th. Everybody is at the Avalon across from, um, uh, Capitol records right here in Hollywood, uh, it's going to be this killer show, Dean Delray's putting together, it is a tribute to, uh, the 40th anniversary of the passing of the late great, arguably greatest frontman in rock history, uh, Bond Scott. Well, one of the, you can never say who's the greatest, but he was one of just one of the, the, the best coming out there, right?

With his tattoos back when bad ass guys got tattoos, no shirt on, fucking belt in the songs out. Angus going nuts, Malcolm cranking it out, Mark Evans, Cliff Williams, depending on the era, Phil Rudd, also a helicopter pilot, also the greatest fucking drummer ever, my opinion, as far as just fucking making and taking the easiest drum beat ever and making 80,000 people lose their fucking minds. Love that guy. And I'll tell you, a very underrated AC DC album is, uh, for those about to

rock, you know, came out a year after back in black and then, you know, everybody gauges it by album sales and, um, I love that album. And I think it's, I, it might be Phil Rudd's best drumming. I love his drumming on that album. Um, he got a little bit busier, but was still Phil Rudd and all of that stuff. So anyways, it's going to be a tribute to Bond Scott. So what it basically is, it's a standup show. Me and Dean are doing standup.

I imagine I'll have a couple others, full standup show. And then he comes out and basically does a fucking rock concert with all these fucking rock stars. Uh, Nikki, uh, Nikki six was there last time. Um, Steve Gorman was there last time. Um, just a whole bunch of people. Jesus Christ. I'm blanking on everybody's fucking names.

Um, Scotty and from anthrax. I mean, it was just a, a heavy lineup. Dave Kushner from velvet revolver. Who else? Come on, Bill. Oh, yours truly. I played drums on a couple of songs and I'll play drums on a couple this time.

It's going to be fucking amazing. Come on down. There's rumors of some really fucking big people coming down, drummers and all of that shit. It's just, uh, everybody's got their touring schedules, but Dean knows all of these guys. So it's, it's not going to be, uh, you know, not to shit on what me and Nia just did to that Ramon song.

And I apologize to all Ramon fans out there, but, uh, you know, it's going to be professionals except for the five minutes while I'm playing. All right. So, okay. Plowing ahead here. Let's read the art of simply safe. Everybody's simply safe. Uh, with home security, there's two ways you can go about protecting your home.

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online anytime at Cyrillus.com. All right, let's get on to what I wanted to talk about here. Blaming generations. And I'll tell you right now, there's no other way to know that somebody is going to fucking be pontificating than to know that a big phony guy who lives in Hollywood, who has his own podcast is about ready to take a sip of an almond smoothie. Okay.

So you should know the amount of pretentiousness that is coming your way. So I don't want to hear any fucking complaints about, oh, Bill, you went out to Hollywood, you got fucking soft, but we all know this. I'm in Hollywood right now doing a podcast so full of myself that I don't even have guests unless my wife walks by and I'm in a good mood. Okay. I've crossed one leg over the other and I have an almond smoothie in my hand. Okay.

And now I'm going to drink it and try to tell you guys why you need to be doing what I'm doing is if you all admire me physically. Hmm. Oh, is that good? I'll tell you, I actually prefer this to cows milk. Um, I like when people go, you know, we're the only species, I think I've said this before, we're the only species that fucking nurses from it, from a different species.

And I saw a picture the other day. I don't know what these fucking things were, but they didn't look like foxes and they were hanging from a fox. So I don't know, they look like a bunch of fucking, uh, one of those things that back in the day, they would walk by a heater and just catch on fire. Is it gerbils? I don't fucking know. I don't pretend to know things.

People, I just keep talking and just hope, hoping that something will make sense at the end of all this. All right. So, um, when we were listening to NPA, it was a commercial or something like, well, they don't really have commercials on that. Oh, I think it was a different station at that point. They're like, are you blah, blah, blah. Are you disappointed with the decisions that the generations made before you?

Um, I think that's such a fucking ignorant statement in generations. Once again, it's just another way to take a group of humans and then create an us and a them. All right. It is a disease in the human brain. I do it. Look at me. I can't even listen on NPR when they're talking about a bunch of women who are

now dead washing clothes and ironing in society where I think all women belong. By the way, I'm kidding, but you had to admit, you guys were really good at it. Um, you know, if you were, if you were, if you weren't good at it, then guys would be doing it. Am I right? Come on, back me up. This guy knows what I'm talking about with the Hawaiian shirt in the fucking toupee.

Um, kidding. No, they're always like, is this us and they think, and rather than group and people like to sit there and act like, I guess with, with, um, with pop culture and technology, there's definitely a, uh, you know, you don't remember that show or I've never heard of this. That isn't music. There's definitely that shit, but just as far as behavior, I think it's ignorant to do that because then you can just be like, ah, these fucking baby boomers, man.

They said they were all about peace and love and fucking Woodstock, man. And then they all became the same fucking banker cunts that melted down the economy 50 fucking years later, right? 40 years later. Um, what am I trying to say? Yeah, it's just like, uh, you know, every generation is just, you're just going to have greedy, psychotic lunatics that fucking ascend to power. Um, and I don't think there's any stopping it.

I don't know how, how do you do that? Cause as much as I don't want that to happen, I don't know how to test people to make sure they're actually decent people. Um, by the way, I really wish I'd been watching the debates with everybody screaming and yelling each other as far as like the highlights go. I think I like Bernie Sanders and I like Elizabeth Warren. Um, you know, there's just something great about like people of a certain age who just have that vibe, like, you know, I'm not taking any shit from you.

They still have passion. They still get fired. I like those guys, uh, the screaming and yelling and talking all over each other. It's just like, wow, if people wanted to hear that, they'd just listen to my podcast when I have a guest, right? Um, anyway, so I'm not blaming fucking generations. It's fun to do it. I do like that they blame generations because being part of generation X is

fantastic because we're just like, you know, nobody even remembers us. Somehow we're not a part of the global warming. We're not a part of the banking. Like no generation X person ever says, fuck the drinking water. I'm doing whatever it takes to ascend this fucking corporation. I mean, we're, every generation has those fucking people. So, uh, but what's great is right now generation X, we just sit nestled in between baby boomers and millennials.

I think there's an, is there another generation between generation X and then millennials? I don't even know. I don't even know. But all I know is they're taking all the fucking heat, right? They like the Houston Astros right now. They're taking all the fucking heat, all the heat at people just cannot, some guy on sports radio, I listened to, he was just

sitting there saying like, this is the biggest conspiracy in modern time. It's just like in far as far as what sports? It's not even in sports. You don't think it was a bigger conspiracy when they were losing fans to, to all the other sports and baseball that they conspired to black male cities into by making them new stadiums that they then, um, design them so that the offense would be, would be, would be greater. Cause that's what seemed to be selling the games of basketball and football.

More point scoring. You didn't juice up the ball, bring the outfield walls in. Am I crazy? Am I crazy? The owners didn't look the other way when they knew everybody was doing steroids and cranking them out of the park, but attendance was higher than ever. And the president of the United States, Bill Clinton was sitting there watching the home run fucking competition between Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire.

Right. It wasn't a conspiracy to keep it in an all white league for as long as fucking humanly possible. What the fuck are you talking about? The owners didn't conspire back before free agency to fuck up everybody and not go past a certain number as much as they possibly could. Yeah. I don't know what they're talking about.

Somehow the Houston Astros banging on a fucking trash can. That's the biggest. That's the most sophisticated conspiracy that's ever happened in baseball. I don't know. And then I like, I always love when people go like, well, if you're going to fucking do that, if these guys can do that and they can still go over there and Pete, it always goes there and Pete Rose should be in the fucking hall of fame.

Yeah. People, um, they don't seem to remember how that whole Pete Rose thing went down. All right. He broke the number one fucking rule in baseball, which is you don't fucking gamble on it because that fucks with everybody because as much as the Houston Astros cheated or whatever and did their fucking bullshit. You know, that doesn't affect all of baseball. People are just mad at the Houston Astros in a buying ticket.

So when they come to town, so they can go cheater cheater, right? As, as you go around that line waiting to make the right turn and at the last second you cut into the line and you fuck over everybody behind cause you don't want to wait. Now you're going to yell cheater at these people. Anyways, they yell cheater at those fucking people, right? It doesn't affect the whole fucking game. If anything, it's great publicity.

Everybody's talking baseball. Everybody wants to see what's going to happen and watch. El Tuve and all these guys squirming in their fucking interviews. All right. What happened? The reason why Pete Rose got punished to the level that he did was because of the 1919 White Sox and they always call them the Black Sox because they threw the 1919 World Series, they call them the Black Sox, which it was weird

because it doesn't make it seem like they were the Chicago White Sox. They weren't the Black Sox. They make it seem like it was some fucking, you know, Negro league team or some shit. It was the White Sox, all white people on the White Sox 1919. They threw the fucking World Series and the league was early on and it made people think that the whole thing was bullshit, or at least they were worried that they were, and that would fuck with all these millionaires.

At the time, I don't know what they were worth back then. You probably just have five grand. You probably considered a fucking wealthy man back then. Um, it fucked with their whole business model and it took someone like Babe Ruth coming along to save the sport. So that became like, we can never have a scandal like this again. And then Pete Rose went out and did it. And then he denied it categorically for like 20 years, 25 years.

And then when he finally admitted to it, he goes, all right, I gambled on baseball, now let me in the hall. That was his apology. There is a thing. I think Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame. I definitely think he should be in the Hall of Fame. You punish the guy. The guy absolutely loves baseball.

He has a gambling problem. He fucked up. He paid the price. You should definitely, I definitely think they should let him in, but I don't think the Houston Astros thing, if they let these guys go, that that's like Pete Rose, I just don't. Cause what Pete Rose did was, um, I mean, I don't think it would have affected the entire game, but it's more of how baseball looks at that offense.

Um, they equated to what you did, what the fuck the 1919 White Sox did, which almost took down the whole sport, or they were afraid that was going to, so that's why they've been such sticklers with that. And then also you had a commissioner. I think that in his dying wish or something, it's probably, but that's probably just a fucking theory in urban myth, you know, wanted people to adhere to that, um, because I think it got personal between the two of them and he just wouldn't admit it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

They had to do all this fucking bullshit. So anyways, I don't want to say it. So I think what I'm saying is you can't blame generations. Pete Rose fucked up. He should have been punished. They should stick them in the hall of fame now. Um, your friend's not a narcissist. He's just into himself, but he's not a full on fucking narcissist.

All right. And you know, someone can, you know, fucking kill an aunt with the magnifying glass and they're not a sociopath. The other potential. Like a boss, I don't know. And, uh, I'm liking the older democratic candidate. Wouldn't be fucking great to see Elizabeth Warren and Donald Trump not listening to each other and just yelling at each other or Donald Trump and fucking Bernie

Sanders when, you know, it wouldn't be, wouldn't be a fitting end to this country. Just the two of them yelling at each other, two old white guys. I could see a neck move. Whatever the fuck that they would be saying to each other. It'd be, I don't know. I'm weird like that. Um, all right. I don't even think I said a fucking thing in the last fucking five minutes.

And I apologize, but I hope I got you through your traffic. All right. God bless you. I'm going to finish my smoothie and, um, stare at myself in the mirror cause I'm a big phony here in Hollywood. God bless you guys. Thanks for listening to the podcast. I got a little bit of music here picked out by the great Andrew Temmels and then

a bonus half hour, uh, addition from a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts from a few years ago. All right. Get those tickets for March 10th at the Avalon. Watch old Billy Freckles banging out the drums there for a couple of songs and a bunch of rock stars and deep Delray. When you're calling a calling back to you. I'll be side stage.

Mouth and lines for you humiliated by age, terrified youthful. I got hope, but my hope isn't helping you spitting our guts from their gears. Grave in that screen over here. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 27th, 2012. How the hell are you? How's it going?

Are you in a good mood? I hope you are. Jesus Christ. Um, I'm fucking brain dead this week. I just did two shows at the comedy works. I'm still in Denver as, uh, as I'm recording this here and, uh, I'm laying in the, uh, hotel bed. Uh, I'm wearing a T-shirt, um, by jockey.

I'm wearing jockey right now. Um, Calvin Klein boxers and, uh, jockey, uh, pajama bottoms. That's what I'm wearing. This is my tribute to the Oscars. You know, hey, Bill, you're a fucking loser in the middle of nowhere. What are you wearing? Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

Would you guys like to do that? Would you like to be at the Oscars? You know, walk it down. Hey, what are you wearing? You know, I would, I'd love to be at the Oscars right now, sitting there, waiting to, to accept my third best male fucking supporting, no, lead, lead guy. And set the record. Remember Tom Hanks almost set the record.

He won two years in a row and then he went for the third when he played the astronaut. I thought he had it. He ran the gamut. You know, he won in 19, like 90 something, right? All right. He played the gay guy that nobody liked because he had the disease that everybody was scared of.

00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:11,000 And what did he do? He ate a bunch of kale salad and he lost weight. He looked like Michael Stipe. That's what I thought, right? And if you believe you get AIDS from shaking my hand, right? Did he sing that song? Shake in my hand.

And then he won. He won an Oscar for that fucking Oscar. And then the next year he played the, the, the mentally challenged person waiting for the bus, eating the chocolate bars. I completely didn't understand that movie. And I suffered for a long time because of that movie because it was, it was one of those impressions. Somebody figured out how to do it and then everybody could just kind of do it.

Right? At some point in their act, they had to be like, I love you, Jenna. Right? I had to listen to that for fucking seven years, seven years waiting for the final couple of hacks to stop fucking doing one of those goddamn jokes. All right. So there you go. He played a mentally challenged guy.

He played Michael Stipe look alike, but it wasn't Michael. All right. And then the next year he plays an astronaut. Houston. We have a problem. Right? Now he's got the fucking American flag draped around him and somehow he didn't win it. You know, just didn't make any fucking sense.

I don't know. I'm not watching the Oscars tonight. I should probably have it on. Should I? I missed the whole fucking. I don't, I don't like watching award shows, watching an award show. That's like going to like your little brother's graduation. You don't give a fuck.

Just give my brother the thing and so I can get the fuck out of here. Right? You know, I usually like going to Oscar parties because I just go there and I, and I ruin it for everybody else because I sit there trashing people, you know, trashing these way more successful people than I am. You know, it's ridiculous. God, I'd love to win a fucking Oscar. Go up there and act like I'm humble.

You know, I just don't even feel like, I mean, what I just think of all the work that everybody else did so that I can stand here and just be me, me, me. This is awesome. If I ever win one, I'm not going to be humble. When they'd be fucking hilarious. If you had the balls to just go up that just walking up there and the Oscar goes to bill Burr for red heads or people to stupid music. And then I go up there and I just fucking take it out of some broads hand.

Yeah, you know what? It's about fucking time. All you other goddamn groups, bitch, moaning and complaining, you know, it's about time to let a redhead and male be an action arrow. Sons of bitches. All these years, all the gay people complaining, all the ladies, all the black people. What about the redheads? You know what?

This isn't for all the other redheads. This is for me. It's about fucking time. Go fuck yourselves. All of you. You fucked up. You gave me a million dollars and I didn't spend any of it. So you know what?

I don't need any of you. I'm out of here. All right? I bought some land in Wyoming. I got a fucking gun and I'm not doing another one of these fucking movies because I don't like doing it nine times in a row. Okay. Can we do it again?

Hey, can you go fuck yourself? You had the cameras on. You saw it, didn't you? Why do all you wear those giant glasses with the black frames? You know, thanks to you guys doing that. Now LeBron James is doing it and that fucking guy on the Kevin Durant. Everybody's got these big... What's his face?

The other guy, Dwight Howard's wearing those big fucking glasses. Why are all the NBA superstars dressing like old casting directors? Oh wait, back to the acceptance speech. All right? So fuck all of you. And that's it. Merry Christmas. That's my acceptance speech.

You know, you just need to win one. No matter how much of a douche you are for the rest of your life. You're like, that's the Oscar-winning douchebag, Bill Burr. That's got to be right up there, right? The Oscar is basically the Medal of Honor for Pussies. You know, you didn't take out a platoon or hold out a fucking platoon all by yourself. You didn't run up to a tank and drop a grenade in it. What did you do?

You pretended to be a guy who ran up to a tank and dropped a grenade into the fucking thing, right? I don't even know what I'm talking about, people. I had two shows tonight. The first one was at four o'clock this afternoon, right? Because his people had to get home to watch the Oscars. Who are you wearing? Why can't I see your chest bones? Your tits look like prunes.

Eat something. Are you like me, people? Do you like a little fucking girl with little meat on her bones? You know what I mean? Somebody you can fucking throw around the bedroom. Isn't that lovely? What am I talking about this week? What are we talking about?

Hey, everybody. You know what? How about a nice little... It's time for commercial, everybody. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. But up up, but up up. Hey, do you guys like going to the post office? Well, go ahead.

I don't care. I don't have to go to the post office anymore. I don't feel like going to school no more. Me neither. I don't go to the post office anymore. I'm done standing in that damn line buying all those miserable people just to get up to the front

to have somebody say, next window, please, and then watch them sit their fat ass and a bunch of those peanuts that they put in the box. You know, in their stupid blue pants. I've had it. I don't like their uniforms.

I don't like the looks on their faces. Wouldn't it be phenomenal if somebody came up a way to bring the post office into your house, into your apartment, into your tent, if you're out there down, still down there in Wall Street, right?

What'd they call it? If you're taking over. What was it called? Occupy. If you're occupying some place, you need to send out a bunch of mass email. All you got to do is go to stamps.com, everybody. All right?

Your time is valuable. You don't have time to go down there and stand with all those other miserable bastards. All right? You want to print out the stamps by yourself. Wouldn't that be great? This is like the... What do they call it?

The center ice package. You want to watch all the NHL games? You get that. All right? This is the center ice package for fucking stamps. Why did I just curse and ruin this read? I don't know.

It's what I do. I self-sabotage. But that doesn't mean I don't believe in this product because I use it. All right? This is just going off the rails here. Stamps.com is so convenient.

Let's get back to the copy. Buy and print official U.S. postage using your own computer and printer. You can print postage for any letter or package whenever you need it. 24-7. 24-7, people. I'm mailing out all my DVDs.

They give me a little scale. I love it. I feel like I'm a little kid pretending to work at the post office, but I'm actually an adult with a real post office, basically, in my own apartment. My own house.

Excuse me. All right? So I know what you're thinking. You're just like me. You're selfish. Okay, Bill, that's great. What's in it for me? Where's the special offer?

Where's the buy one, get one free? Well, here it comes there, Freddie. Right now, Stamps.com has a special offer from my listeners. My listeners. It's a no-risk trial. No risk, okay? You get $110 bonus offer

that includes a digital scale that you're going to love, by the way. You're going to get addicted to using it like me, and you get $55 in free postage. All right? This is a no-risk trial. They're giving you $55 on a little scale.

All right? So sit your fanny on the scale and lick those stamps, baby, because this is a hell of a deal. But only if you go and you use my last name. This is what you do. You go to Stamps.com. Before you do anything else,

once you get to the website, you click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage. You type in Burr. B is in Burr. U-R-R. Okay? That's Stamps.com.

Enter Burr. Get your stamps. Get your scale. And never stand in that miserable, miserable bread line that there's no bread at the front. All right? How was that for a read?

All right. Let's get on to stuff that I want to bitch about this week. All right? Now, I know a lot of you guys. You probably think, on some level, that I hate women.

All right? And I got to be honest with you, you're fucking right. I don't like hate them individually, but as a group, they fucking annoy me, because they're always complaining, bitch-moning,

and all this fucking crap, unlike me, who just always brings the sunshine. All right, this is the thing. Whenever it comes down to male-female relationships, what I've noticed on television is that if someone's going to be the douche,

it's always the guy. If somebody's at fault, it's always the guy. If somebody's going to pay, it's always the guy, except for the occasional Britney Spears. All right? Who, if I ever see,

I'm buying her a fucking beer. Poor girl with that bum-ass husband. All right? Back-up dancer, sitting around the house, getting fat, sitting in sweatpants that she paid for.

You know? She ever went over there and slapped the shit out of him, smashed him on his head with one of her bedazzled high heels, and I was on that jury. I would say not guilty. I would say not guilty.

I would say she's a fucking hero that she hasn't done it yet. Here's a story for you. These are the stories. I'm just going to put this out here, because I'm really hoping that this is going to... inspire somebody to start

some sort of legislation or whatever the fuck you need to do to turn things around. Because in this country, there's a major problem. Women are organized, and guys are not. When it comes to this relationship shit.

All right? Oh, you go right ahead and roll your eyes, ladies. I don't give a fuck. This isn't for you. All right? Here's a nice story. I'm going to read one of these

every fucking week to fucking people realize what is going on. All right? What is not... What is going on? What is also going on? Is every fucking three minutes...

I got to watch the story about some poor woman who got the living shit kicked out of her by some asshole guy. All right? And you watch enough of those stories and you start thinking, oh, my God, women are always the victim.

That's not so. Here's a nice story for you. A little story called Who Knew I Was Not the Father? Do I even need to read it to you? You know where this is going. This happens all the fucking time, but they don't talk about it.

You know, it's not considered a major fucking problem. It's because guys are not organized. And we have to start bitch moaning and complaining the way women do. All right? Just mentally try and imagine what it's like to have a period.

And that's the mindset you need to get in to make change in this country. That's what I think is needed. All right? Okay, here we are. Boys and girls gather around. Who Knew I Was Not the Father? Take one.

It was July in 2007 when Mike L. asked the Pennsylvania courts to declare that he was no longer the father of his daughter. For four years, Mike had known that the girl he had rocked to sleep and dance with across the living room floor was not, as they say,

his. The revelation from a DNA test was devastating and prompted him to leave his wife. But he had not renounced their child because he's a good shit, because he realized that the kid, you know, it's not the kid's fault

that her mom is a whore. You know? This guy's a stand-up guy. But he had not renounced their child. He continued to feel that in all the ways that mattered, she was still his daughter. And he faithfully paid her child support.

This guy is a saint. If there's a God, this guy is going straight into heaven. Okay? He could have been bitter. He could have walked away. He didn't. He stood in.

Right? So it was only when he learned that his ex-wife was about to marry the man who she said actually was the girl's biological father that Mike flipped. Supporting another's man's child

suddenly became unbearable. Can you believe this woman? Why don't they show, they're showing all these stories of guys beating women. What about a woman? Why don't they show when women do shit like this? You know?

Not only did she cheat on her husband, she fucked a dude raw. Not only did she fuck the dude raw, she let him bust it in him. Not only did she have a fucking kid with him, she didn't say shit to her husband. So then this fucking guy, he has to find out.

He's sitting there, you know, looking how he looks and his kid doesn't look anything like him. And she doesn't say shit, every day goes to Walgreens, gets a little DNA test, does a little swabby swab of her and then him. Sends it off to you gotta be shit me labs in fucking Colorado.

Comes back, finds out it's not his kid. He's absolutely fucking devastated. His goddamn marriage is over and he's still a stand up guy. So now this fucking whore goes back with the guy that actually knocked her up. Now they're living together. Okay?

Wouldn't you think despite the fact that she's a whore that maybe she wouldn't be a cunt to? You know? It's unbelievable. Why not at that point just have the fucking real dad pay? And if for some reason the courts

are making this guy go through the motions or write in the check, just take the check, cash it and give it back to the guy. Why can't you do that? You know why? Cause they can never have enough. Do you know how guys can never have enough pussy? Women can never have enough stuff. You ever notice that?

Even if they have a one night stand, they still gotta get a t-shirt. You know? They always gotta get something. I don't know if I've said that before in this podcast, but it's fucking true. They always gotta have stuff. And they got this free fucking money coming and this bitch just got two, she's pimping these guys. She's got two guys,

two guys working for her. God damn genius. Also a cunt, but she's a genius of a cunt. Okay? I mean, how dumb is that guy who actually knocked her up? How dumb is he to marry her? Who the fuck married somebody?

Who makes somebody their wife who was already somebody else's wife and fucked around with you? You saw what she did? You think she's not gonna get tired of you? You think she's not gonna go somewhere else? Get some more dick and a little more

foreign spackle between the fucking gams? Unbelievable. There you go. That's not misogynistic that I'm only reading these stories. What I'm doing is I'm trying to balance out the bullshit that you see it on TV.

The bullshit vibe that only guys cheat. Guys are dogs. Guys, guys, guys do all the fucking bullshit. It's okay? We are equal. Okay? We are equal. We are capable of doing wonderful things like this guy

who did the right thing by this little girl and we're also capable of doing horrific things. Alright? Slapping the shit out of fucking women, sticking their heads in the glovebox, trying to see if you can get it all the way closed. We also do shit like that. And ladies, right? They can be absolute

angels. And they can be a steaming pile of cunt like this woman. So there you go. That's my little fair and balanced reporting. For this week, go fuck yourselves. I've done two and a half hours of comedy

tonight. My new special I'm taping this Saturday night at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, D.C. And let me tell you something, brother. I'm fucking bringing it on this one. Alright? I am on a mission to outdo my last two fucking specials.

Okay? And I don't care if you cunts don't think I did it, I think I'm gonna do it. Alright? I have a special. Is it even a special at this point now that Comedy Central has given every fucking person on the planet a goddamn special? I'm gonna call this one. It's a stand-up

standard. You know, everybody, I can't believe half my listeners haven't gotten hour-long special on Comedy Central. You know, God bless Comedy Central. They put me on forever, but I gotta tease them a little bit. The year when I did my half

hour, if you guys ever see, if you ever get a chance to watch my half hour, that music that they played when they went to the commercial was, it was the worst music I've ever heard in my life. It was so fucking disrespectful to all the hard work you did as a comedian.

You finally get a special, you're excited and then they just would go to commercial and they'd have your face and there was just this trumpet that would go ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba It was fucking like

what the fuck was that? What the did they have lyrics to that? You suck! Fuck you! That's what it sounded like. Look at this wacky douchebag. You know what I mean? There's just no respect for it. So anyways,

I'm taping this special. I'm doing 2 on Saturday night and I am beyond fucking ready. I worked my ass off for the last 6 weeks. I've done a bunch of shows and I really want to thank everybody who came

out and who sincerely laughed at what was funny and fucking stared at me when it wasn't because I got this bitch, it's ready to go. It's ready to go, man. But I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm fucking out. This is what I did.

Alright? I'm taping it in DC. I live in Los Angeles. Okay? Do the nautical fucking miles there. It's a horrific flight that I've done a zillion fucking times. Alright? Right, I'm fucking over it, mate. Yeah? Um, so

I bought a coach ticket and then fucking used my miles, which is something I never do. I never use my miles, don't ask me why. I just keep. I keep. I get a bunch of miles. I never fucking use them. And then the airline gets bought out by somebody else

and then somebody comes in and they say, hey, you know what? You don't have any more miles. And I say, well, guess what? They're fucking Rapunzel. I never use them. So go fuck yourself. Alright? You got anything else to tell me? Don't fucking call me up and tell me what I have and I don't have. I have enough

in my life and I don't need you or your fucking miles. Alright? Go fuck yourself. So So I actually use my miles. I bumped myself up to a first class fucking ticket. Alright?

And I'm going out there stone fucking sober and when I come back I'm drinking on that flight baby and they're probably gonna have to land in St. Louis because I might be the next guy to take a shit on the food cart.

That's how drunk I am gonna get because I have done so many shows if I have to do this hour one more fucking time I'm gonna kill myself. I'll be fine by next Saturday. Nobody wants to bomb when the cameras are on so that nervousness.

You know? But as far as this hour, I absolutely love it but I'm walking away after this week. I've had it. I'm walking away like denaro in heat and then I then I get to start the wonderful process of a whole new fucking hour

with everything that I've learned from this hour. So I want to thank everybody who's gone out and bought tickets and all that type of shit and everyone who's gone to Amazon.com that's fucking blowing up man. You guys are doing such a wonderful thing for me

for the people who, other people who are the person who works on my podcast I'm able to pay him now a nice amount of money and then 10% of everything that goes to Amazon.com is going to the Wounded Warriors project which is leading me to have a nice relationship with them which is going to lead to more cool stuff.

So thank you. So if you're new to my podcast this is basically it. If you go to Amazon.com if you're going to buy something I'm not saying to fucking buy anything. Relax. But if you're going to just go to my podcast. Go to my website first go to billburr.com

click on the podcast on the right hand side you'll see the link to Amazon.com right underneath the iTunes. You click on that and you'll get credit for driving traffic there. They'll give me a little bit of kickback. It doesn't cost you a fucking thing. They give me a little bit of a kickback and then I take 10% of that and give it to the Wounded Warriors.

So you donate to my podcast and you help out veterans who fought for this country. And you get a free fucking podcast and whatever the hell you bought on Amazon.com I mean Jesus Christ how much more do you need to win? You know? God, some people are so selfish.

Somebody's actually sitting here right now going is that all I get? You know? And if you are, just be that way. I don't give a fuck. How far am I? 23 goddamn minutes. 23 minutes into this podcast.

All right. I had an unbelievable weekend out here at the Denver Comedy Works. I didn't booze until Saturday night. Boozed one time. A friend came by. We were friends. And we drank, not too crazy.

Couple two or three. Couple two or three shots. Little surf and turf as they say. And then I came home. I called the lovely Nia. I'm like, hey, what's going on? She's like, you've been drinking, haven't you? I'm not drunk.

Anyways, last week I talked about those noise cancellation headphones and I had questions about them. My ears are fucked up from playing drums. And, um, you know, I wanted to get those noise cancellation things and I had a question about as far as like

if you're wearing those, are they actually protecting your ears or are they just tricking your ears into thinking they're not hearing anything but they actually are hearing it but they can't register it so you're still fucking up your ears. So somebody who I don't know what their background is

is putting me at ease. Says Bill, just in case no one has answered this question adequately, yes. The answer is no. Noise cancellation will not fuck up your ears. Well, this guy sounds like a pro. The principle behind noise cancellation is called destructive interference.

The destructive part is the key here. Applying one sound wave which is out of phase with another will quite literally neutralize the sound producing a dead or quiet zone. So it's not that you just can't hear the noise that is messing up your ears.

It's not that it isn't there at all anymore. Well fuck it, I want to get some. Who makes the best ones? Let me know. Tell me who makes them and I will buy them. I'm going to start asking more of these questions because I have one for you. I fly all the fucking time

and you know what was killing me is that there's no more supersonic jets. Whatever happened to those concords? Can you like buy the other ones that didn't crash off of eBay? You know, they got to be sitting somewhere. Some billionaire probably has it. Can you imagine that if you had a private jet

the size of a commercial jet and it could fucking fly at supersonic speed? You know, that was a dream of mine that never happened. I always wanted to fly to Paris on the Concord. You know, I wanted to be there and hear that fucking you know, when you break the speed of sound.

What is that wall of vapor that forms right when you break the speed of sound? Can somebody explain that to me? That is just like that's the closest thing that I've ever seen to anything in Star Wars. Like literally being true.

The fact that you go faster than sound. Think about it. Speed of light is the next one. That's a huge fucking jump. That's fucking unbelievable. I'm too fucking stupid to even ask the question. You know what I'm asking. Can somebody help me with my scientific background?

I really would like to be able to explain shit. I just don't understand it. Maybe I should just remain ignorant. So much of the world just seems magical to me because I don't understand basic laws of physics. Like how a plane stays up in the air. I just don't understand it.

It's heavier than I am. I can't fly. You know? Don't even send me a fucking email about lift and surfing on the air. I don't get it. It's just something I'm never going to understand. Last week we talked about a shitty neighbor. This is going to be a short podcast everybody.

I don't know what to talk about. I'm burnt out. A shitty neighbor and how I handled it. Hey Bill and the lovely Nia. Love the podcast. My wife and I have an awful downstairs neighbor that has a long history of randomly threatening people

much like the assholes neighbor in last week's podcast. We ignored him until one day he banged on the floor and scared the piss out of my sweet little mother-in-law who was visiting. Yeah, they always seemed to like to pick on women. You know? Fucking pussies.

I stewed for an hour until my mother-in-law left and I went down there and basically dared this guy to punch me. That's awesome. Because he has to hit you first as you noted. That's right. That's right. But I don't know what happens if you ask somebody to punch him in the face.

Then, I mean, isn't he just kind of helping you out there? I don't know. There's so much shit I don't understand. Obviously, he didn't do anything because he's a fat creep who sweats butter. That's why I had the confidence to challenge someone

to fist the cuts for the first time since grade school. So nothing happened. Just a lot of yelling, but he did sputter. I see you. I'm going to kick your fucking ass. Oh, I love that. Next time I see you. What are you busy right now, fatty?

What do you got to do? You got a couple more fucking steak on the stove you don't want to burn? There's nothing better than beating up a fatty because it doesn't even hurt your hands. You know, he's sitting there wheezing. You just feel like you're beating up a beanbag. You know? It's tremendous.

I'm not advocating it. I'm not advocating beating down the obese. I'm just saying to do it if there are assholes in our choice, ladies and gentlemen. So anyways, so I started laughing and he slammed the door in my face. That's perfect. Next time I see him,

he kicked my ass. He just laughed in his face. Oh, that poor fat bastard. I bet he went in there ate a burger while watching a porno jerking off. He was so depressed. So when I see him now, I stop and laugh and ask him, is it time for you to kick my ass, tough guy?

Oh, this guy's brilliant. I hope the person from last week is listening because this guy, this guy's doing it. He's doing it perfectly. He says, I've even seen him hide in his car to avoid talking to me. So your advice bill has worked great.

Oh, it's my advice? Wait a minute. Did I read this wrong? Did you just fucking do this? Oh, look at this. Did I help this guy out? Thank God. So laughing is working out for this guy. Um... What the fuck is it?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't we scroll down. Come on, Bill. So when I look at him now, I stop and ask him, is it time to kick my ass? Um... Oh, he says, tough guy is the key phrase because it's so condescending. As for Nia's advice to win the heart

and mind of the guy's wife which I also thought was great, my neighbor has a high school aged kid that sometimes visits. I don't know what the relation is but whenever I see this kid playing soccer outside, I say hello, crack a joke, ask him about

Real Madrid because he always wears their gear. Uh, these 20-second conversation drive my neighbor nuts. I can see him peering out the window at us. Oh, dude, you're killing this guy. The neighbor has been emasculated,

neutralized, the cops never got involved, and I never even had to ground and pound with a greasy retiree. Bill and Nia equal perfect advice. No wonder you guys are such a good pair. Ah, wasn't that nice. Dude, this guy killed it.

I don't know if we told you all that last week. I think, uh, I think you had a natural talent for that. So there you go. Laughing, calling somebody tough guy. Ah. What I love is you've made this guy's life so miserable that not only does he not even knocking on the ceiling

anymore, he's now, he actually hides from you. Oh, and the shame. So you know what that means is this guy fantasizes about what he wishes he could do to you and he can't, which makes him even more miserable, which probably makes him eat more, which makes him fatter.

You know? Which is one day going to neutralize the entire problem because he's going to be too fat to lift that roast beef of a fucking arm up to even hit the ceiling. You know? Oh, wow. Anyways.

Dude, my lips are so fucking dry right now. It's ridiculous. And I'm one of those guys that believes in that urban myth that if you use chapstick, there's something in there that makes you addicted to it and that your lips, you know? It's like if you're constipated. You know what I mean?

And you keep taking those pills so you can shit. If you do it too much, your body just goes, oh, we don't need to make whatever the fuck it is that you make to make you, you know, be able to shit. And then you got to take them. You know? You never take,

you know, if you're constipated, you never take those pills. It's very simple. You just do it how the Romans used to do it. All right? You wade into a stream. All right? You face your ass up river. You stick a reed up your ass. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha. And you fill your ass with river water. All right? You know, if that doesn't clean out your system then you weren't meant to shit ever again. Okay? And the great thing is it's all natural.

That's what they used to do. That's what they used to do before when they needed like an enema. Or what do they call that? When people have a colonic. They used to do that back in the day. That's how they did it back in the day

and if they took a reed they waded in the river. They had their ass pointed towards the current and then they jammed a reed up their ass. They just stood there. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

And just accepted as much of the river up their ass as they could. And then they just, they just, you know, shit confetti going down the river. You know? This is the first environmental disaster. See people, you got to know your history.

Or else you doomed to repeat it. Oh god, 33 minutes in. Yes, so my fucking lips are, uh, I've been using this shit since last week. Because last week when I was in New York I was driving all the gigs and it was cold out.

So I had the heat on and rather than having it on defrost is what I usually do. I had the vent on and I dried out my lips. So I bought this shit and ever since, ever since I bought it it's like my fucking lips keep drying out and I keep using it. And I'm drinking plenty of water,

you know? I'm telling you. I really believe in that. So, uh, you know, fuck Chapstick. Alright? That's reverse advertising everybody. Fuck that one. And it's aish. Um, alright, more advice.

Hey Bill, buy in a car. By the way, how great is the advice now for stuff. I'll eventually come back to it. But you know, I'll give you guys moronic advice on everything. And once again, you're on your own. Okay, I'm not an expert on any of this shit. Alright, buy in a car. Dear Bill,

I'm a 19 year old Taekwondo instructor and full time student in Queens College. I live in, uh, blah blah blah blah blah, in my dojo. Is that how you spell dojo? D-O-J-A-N? Dojan? I don't know. I'm gonna say dojo

as I've always heard. Dojo and college couldn't be farther apart. I recently bought a Mazda Projet um, year 2000 from my aunt. Oh god. Never, never buy a fucking shit box from a relative.

It's never gonna end good. I don't like the way this is going already. I had it recently in the shop for the entire first month. And it was officially mine. And I did over $2,000 of repair. New suspension, rear brakes, sensors, etc. What the fuck are sensors? I don't even know about cars anymore.

Um, on it in order to hopefully cut down on my travel time and last a couple of good years. It broke down in Long Island after the first full month of use. Fuck me. So, I wanted to ask you

if you had any advice on another car you could buy. Uh, where I could look to buy one that won't fuck me. That won't fuck me over cause seriously, fuck family. And any tips you could give me on saving for the car would be greatly appreciated. Yeah, dude. Um,

I don't know what it is about family. It's like, they love you and they have your back except when it comes to selling you a car cause they will fuck you over. Um, I saw it when I was a kid. Um, you know, I just

I don't know what it is. They just first of all, you buy it from your aunt. She's older. They don't know shit. And they think it's a great, I don't know. Or maybe they just completely fuck you over. This is what I do. When I bought used cars

is don't buy anything flashy cause it's got the shit kicked out of it. I stuck with Toyotas and Hondas because those things will last 200,000 miles easy if you change the oil. And then, like, I bought um,

what did I do? I bought at 1988 Honda Accord in 1997 so it was nine years old and it already had 100,000 fucking miles or 80 something miles, 1,000 miles on it or something.

And I bought it. It was four door nothing flashy. It was like a family car. Um, I would definitely, if I was going to buy a used car I would go with a Toyota or a Honda that has been well maintained.

That's what the fuck I would do. And then you got to pay some money. Alright, if you're going to go under $6,000, $7,000 I mean, Jesus, you're just buying somebody else's fucking problems. Just go out and get a loan you'll get some credit. And believe me, just pay off the fucking loan

it's going to be a lot less cheaper. There was nothing even funny in that. That's just what I'll tell you. Alright, at least they make the American cars better now but I'm fucking jaded when it comes to that shit because I came up in the 80s when they started making American cars disposable

one of the worst fucking things they could ever do. Like the car was literally designed to shit the bed at 80,000 fucking miles while the Japanese were making them to last 200,000. So do the fucking math. It's a terrible fucking time.

Oh my god, that was such a terrible time and then they shrunk down Cadillacs to make them the size of a Chevy Citation. Dude, I know I bring up this car all the time the fucking American cars. I don't know what happened to them. They made during that period they like those cars like I watch when I watch those

those auctions on TV there's no cars from the fucking 80s that are American. The only thing you'll see you'll see like a like the Buick Grand National there's one that was the top of the line one that like to this day can beat most cars

you know just a fucking badass looking car and that one has retained its value. There's very few but like I don't even know what a fucking Impala looked like in the 80s. No one gave a fuck but Impala's from the early 70s

all the way back to like 1958 and 59. Everybody loves him I don't know so they made this Chevy Citation they forgot to put the fucking radio in so they had to turn it like like sideways I'll try to put a picture of that up on the website

but um I don't know. Yeah that's my advice dude I would go with the Toyota or a Honda and I would pay like 7-8 grand for the fucking thing and I would buy it off somebody um and don't be afraid if it has like 100,000 fucking miles on it

because if somebody maintained it that thing's gonna that thing can go 300,000 miles you know that's what I would do. Alright good luck to you and don't buy it off your fucking relatives because they'll fuck you over as you've seen. Alright there you go. That was like a public service announcement there

uh, advice. Hey Bill I love your comedy really good I look forward to it every Monday. Alright it gets me Jesus Christ okay I want to ask you some questions ask it. I'm 25 years old and I've been married for two years to a great woman no kids yet

we live very close to all of her family parents, grandparents, cousins, all of them oh Jesus yeah absolutely that can be a fucking nightmare alright you better you better have the ground rules down. Alright and be like listen I know your family fucking lives right around the corner

but this is my fucking house alright it's my fucking house they only come around on the holidays but don't just show up like Kramer on Seinfeld and be none of that. Anyways

her grandmother is planning this big three day long family reunion this summer and as much as I love my wife I would rather take a shit on a hooker's toilet than go to this thing absolutely dude you're surrounded by him I spend far too much time with her family

as it is and worst of all I think it might conflict with when you come to do a show in my hometown I told her today that I've heard your reunion is the same weekend that you come to town that I will just have to skip the reunion good man

she let me have it for about how important this is to her this is what they do this is what they do how her family comes first and if I was a good person I would go to the reunion and then she started to cry

oh dude she hit you with both barrels both barrels dude this is all fucked up I'm actually gonna whisper and my lovely woman is fucking four states away I had this fucking argument I had this argument

fucking a week ago alright oh my god you gotta get to the mail box first and look for those fucking wedding invitations alright and you get that and you just rip it up and fire it over the fucking fence alright I didn't do that

alright I saw it I knew it was an invitation and she got this fucking invitation to go to a goddamn wedding alright in the middle of fucking nowhere alright and I said I'm not going

I'm not going and then she starts telling me how important these people are to her and I said give me a fucking break they're important to you I've never heard you say their names I don't even recognize these names how can this be important and then she starts feigning

she just did the exact fucking same thing short of the crime you know I would think that you would want to go with this to me this is important and blah blah blah it's like sweetheart I spend my life in airports on airplanes I don't want to go to an extra fucking thing

okay tell them to put it on Skype and I'll sit there and watch it with you so I can go to it alright do we ask them to go to any shit like I would never drag my girl to a football game she hates it

but I said this is really important to me if you're a good person you go and tailgate and get drunk with me it's fucking ridiculous I don't want to go so anyways and then she started to cry he said I have got a lot of

a lot of this shit since I got married I could tell you that too because you're 25 you know you're 25 if you're 25 and you get fucking married a woman is going to be 10 years beyond you just knowing how to fucking roll over you in a relationship but all is not lost

all is not lost let me finish this if anything happens in her family I have to be there even if it's as small as her cousin graduating from the third grade I'm sick of it I mean I really hate doing stuff like this

she knows I don't like it but if I was just a flat out teller I hate it it would break her heart alright so you're a decent guy okay I would hate to do that because she's my wife and I love her alright you good guy thinking about her okay oh and I see my family and I see my family about once a year

since they live on the other side of the country she just doesn't understand that I did not grow up in a family where we spend a ton of time together so shit life family reunions doesn't mean that much to me I feel like those ladies should

understand that if I miss one weekend with them to see my favorite comedian who I might not get a chance to see again in a very long time then that's alright how do I let her know how I feel and get her to give me some space and not crush my balls about going to all of her family stuff

alright dude this is what you do your heart's in the right place you don't want to hurt her okay and I'm going to kind of side with your wife on this one in that not really siding with her

but you picked the wrong one to put your foot down on alright what you had to do is put your foot down on you know little Mikey just made his first fucking popsicle stick house we all have to go over and look at it that's something that you can blow off

like a major family reunion and you gotta go to that you gotta be by her side so that she can prove that see I got one he loves me right so this is what you are right now you're in a great position to barter

okay because you're going to make the sacrifice and not see in my show okay so this is what you tell her just say listen my favorite comedian is coming to town but because this is so important to you

I want to be there for you so I will go okay and she'll say good thank you and then you say however alright this is when you barter and just say all this and I don't know how to say this eloquently because I just have to get to the point

all this fucking bullshit these cunty little stupid ass fucking things I don't give a fuck about you I don't want to go to them anymore okay I work all day I want to chill out I don't know your family I don't know I married you

okay you want to go the Oscars of your family reunion I will go to that shit okay your dad gets a new colostomy bag I'm not showing up to that I am not going to all of them I will go to some major ones I will go to

Christmas time I'll put on the sweater alright but this fucking number 7 all the fucking time Susie fuckface is having a birthday party I'm not going to it I'm staying home and I'm watching the game because it's making me miserable

and I want to be happy with you alright and this is the thing she might give you shit about that but no you got to put your foot down and let her cry about it just say this isn't fair to me this isn't fair to me that all of my free time

involves being with your family alright I don't know how you say it dude you got to figure out how to say it's fucking boring good lord going over there I don't like the smell of their house I don't like their food I don't like the color of their plates

I just want to get the fuck out of there I'm not comfortable you are go over there they probably don't even like you going over there you know they want their girl over there so fucking go over there so that's what I would do just play her game alright my show

is as important to you as that fucking thing so why don't you cry nah you can't do that but you know what I'm saying just flip it around just be like alright well I want you to know that I'm missing my favorite fucking comedian to go to this thing and I will go to this thing but from here on out

I am only going to the major ones because I love you when I support you but this tiki-tack fucking horseshit that's all you I'm not doing that because I need a life outside of this outside of your family

alright go fuck yourself love you love you buttons I'll see you later there you go how's that was that work overrated underrated for the week overrated school school is nothing but a waste of time

and money I graduated school last summer and now I go to community college my dad harasses me every day to get my ass up and listen to an old ass man talk about something that has nothing to do with my career I am a model and an actress

and I don't know what the fuck to do with 2x plus 4 equals 8 what does that have to do with me remembering my lines I swear I hate that place so much alright underrated well I don't know

school isn't overrated it's uh I think if you want to be a model and an actress why the fuck are you taking algebra but algebra isn't overrated you need algebra you need geometry

without geometry we couldn't build shit so it's not overrated I think what you should have said was it was annoying modeling and acting career I hope I see you at the fucking Oscars alright and don't get naked

don't do that don't whore it up keep it classy that'll set you apart from this ocean of whores just how mainstream dressing like a whore has become and how successful you can come become by just being a fucking skank

like that raven haired chick who needs to be steam cleaned cause she's blown every six round draft pick out there underrated going to school with a slight buzz I hate school so much that one day I decided to steal some of my dad's liquor I must admit that school was a bit more amusing that day so I continued to do it

now I know that might sound like I have a problem but I really don't care whatever gets me through the day I'm cool with it oh dude that's a dangerous fucking that's a dangerous road to go down you know obviously school sucks

it's boring you want to get the fuck out of there you know you want to go drink and fuck something you're a human being but when you start out I don't know being able to be hammered or being high you know first time you smoke a joint you're able to actually function

without freaking out you get away with it and you think it's fucking awesome it really isn't you got too much freedom so I had to do that but you know what you didn't ask me for my advice so I don't give a fuck how's that what are we up to here

fifty fucking one minutes nine more goddamn minutes hey can anybody explain to me why NBA basketball is so fucking long did I ask that question yet it's the only one when you jump from college to pro it becomes longer college football is four fifteen minute quarters college hockey is three twenty minute quarters

and as far as I know college baseball is nine innings college hoop is two twenty minute halves and then you go to the pros and they add those eight excruciatingly boring fucking minutes why did why did why did they do that

I was actually watching I watched a lot of college hoop watch the Kansas game um was it Kansas Missouri and I watched Kentucky play somebody else fucking the most exciting basketball I really love college basketball

twenty twenty you're done it's like the first half is over so fucking quick and then when you're in the second half it it becomes crunch time so much quicker the crowds are going crazy that's one of my goals man I want to go to where the J Hawks play and I want to go to

Kentucky I went to a Indiana Hoosiers game a long time ago when I was on the road when Bobby Knight was still coaching and he was screaming at the kids and I was fucking getting angry watching I mean I was going like I could I could play for a guy like that screaming at me like that you know I have I have like a temper as bad as his so that

that would be a bad fucking mix but um yeah if anybody can answer me that question is it just strictly for money I don't understand um the fuck was oh I gotta tell I gotta use the rest of the advertising here people

um let's try to make this amusing here try to make it a little funny here gamefly.com this is nothing that you guys have been really responding to you know I'm really trying to get stuff that you guys are interested in so you won't be bored during these ads and then also you know all these things are going to come with a discount so I'm trying to hook

you up so if you have any suggestions of shit that you like you know that you want to discount on maybe I can get them to advertising my podcast here gamefly.com everybody that's where it's the video rental system that delivers video games to your door and now PC

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snap our fingers and it's on our computer we can do that gamefly.com Monday morning podcast listeners get a free 15 day trial dude even if you're not going to sign up for this stuff you got to go for the 15 day trial free

15 days 8,000 games call in work telling me got the whooping cough you got yellow fever the bubonic plague whatever you got to say and play games for 15 straight days you go to game w this is how you do it for the 15 free day free trial go to www.gamefly.com

slash burr b u r r all lowercase alright go in there you sign up 8,000 video games 15 day free trial god bless you America

and here you go my favorite of all favorites skate fender everybody skate fenders this is the stuff I've been using playing hockey although I haven't played hockey the last couple weeks because of Murphy's law because I know I have to I got to tape my special so

I've never hurt myself knock on wood you know but god knows if I'm gonna it's gonna be the week of my special and I've never seen a comedian with the torn ACL ever give a good performance during a comedy special other than Joe DeRosa

a lot of people don't know on Joe DeRosa's last half hour special actually I think it's his only one he's like Shade he does like 1 every 8 years he goes into hiding like a true artist that he is

you know he makes his own easels that's how much of an artist the teen idol sensation Joe DeRosa is what was I talking about he blew out his ACL he blew out his ACL he was uh

he was jerking off and he was about ready to come and you know his fucking legs got so tight and he doesn't work out it just snapped and evidently it enhanced his orgasm but he had to do a special the next day

and you know you never want to know it like fucking Willis Reed man he just limped right through it and now what the fuck am I talking about um skate fenders how many hockey players are out there right you play hockey like me you skate around front words backwards give me the fuck

I hate this guy why doesn't he pass he's so selfish right is there anything worse than taking a puck to the foot you know you got padding everywhere but for some reason you don't have it there I've always wondered that why the hell don't they do some to protect your foot evidently studies have shown

that taking a 100 mile an hour slap shot to the foot is like being shot by a 22 caliber if you haven't taken one half that speed okay I don't care how much of a man you are you collapse to the ground watch hockey watch NHL hockey when someone takes a slap shut off the foot

it looks like they get shot they just collapse to the ground because it's like you got shot in the foot with the 22 caliber well the wonderful people over at skate fender they created these things the skate fenders and I tried them out last week as I said

it fits right over your foot molds right to your foot you know three different sizes you put it on they're lighter than socks you can't even tell you're wearing them and then one day you're out there and somebody takes a slap shot you take it off your foot dude and it's like Christmas

you can't feel a thing you know you got hit but it's like getting hit with the shin guard it doesn't even hurt okay so there you go and not to mention 19 of the 30 teams in the NHL are already wearing them okay and who's kidding who most of us the NHL dream is over

you got a real day job do you want to walk in there with one swollen foot and give that presentation you don't alright be the first one to get them alright this is what you do it's affordable for all players at all levels and if you use the bill burr promo code you will get five dollars off

what is the promo code what the hell is it it's effective in reducing painful debilitating impact injuries do I have the thing used by professional teams including the Detroit Red Wings what the hell is my promo code I don't know

I don't know what the hell it is but if you use it you get five dollars off who cares just go there protect your damn feet I'm using them they're tremendous and if you notice on my special I will not be limping because I wear skate fenders alright and that's it

that's the podcast for this week everybody um I got a great feeling about this special everybody I really do man I'm going hard I'm not holding back and uh I think I got it man I got that perfect balance I'm going off on shit

that nobody gives a fuck about you know neutral whatever I got some bunch of self deprecating shit I got some silly shit I got personal shit and then I got a nice fucking rant it's like a great meal you got your veggies

you got your fucking toothpaste and you got your fucking twat sitting right there across the table she ain't gonna pay is she huh stop acting like you're going for your wallet like you're gonna pay that's something I never pulled you know

back when I used to go on dates when I slicked back when I had a full head of red hair and I'd slick it back like Clark Kent you know I did that too you know like Superman when I did stand up I parted it on the left side and when I went on a date I was on the right side you know it wasn't even funny

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about what am I talking about here I got a special coming out everybody I'm taping it next week and I'm fucking ready to go alright I got a new button down shirt I got a pair of jeans and some new shoes and I'm fucking doing this thing

alright I'm gonna fucking do this thing and then I am drinking on the plane and I'm gonna be taking off in cuffs that's my game plan for next week alright so you guys go fuck yourselves well before I say that

thank you for doing all this stuff I really appreciate everybody going to Amazon.com it's such a great thing to be able to you know make a little money on this podcast and then actually do a good thing with some of the money you know what I mean not gonna lie to you I'm keeping most of the money

alright I got those new Roland electronic drum kits that's my next thing that I'm gonna buy although I have to get that by Nia where are we gonna put it it's too big I know but it's fun oh you know what I actually bought a new drum pedal

I'm gonna let you guys know about this thing because I've been trying to do that Jojo mayor thing I'm getting back into that trying to get my bass drum speed up I just want to be able to do three in a row fucking solid and really quick you know what I mean I just want to be that guy when people listen to you play like you got a double pedal

no I don't that's one foot that's one foot and I can do that other thing you see that shit with people just do that little rockin back and forth and they get that hi-hat splash and sound alright that was for the three drummers who listened to this fucking thing alright that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves don't take any shit I'll see you next week

and I'll let you know how this special goes and I'm gonna be on vacation for four days four days I am off and then I am working on some other project that has nothing to do with comedy if you live in Los Angeles and you'd like to watch me bomb trying out my new stuff all during March

you'll see me I'll be dipping in and out of the comedy store on sunset um that is it hear the excitement I'm ready I'm in the fucking whatever the fuck you say I'm ready to do this and I'm babbling because I'm that excited

alright I'll talk to you next week I'll let you know how it goes I already said that for the love of God lost fingers in the wrong bed I I I I

I I I I I I I I