Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-16

Episode Date: February 5, 2016

Bill rambles about jagermeister, underwear and Deal Delray's 50th birthday.

Again, hey, what's going on? It's bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast Just check it can I stop doing that people I don't have any new way of doing it Can I just say I'm just checking on you. I'm gonna do that for a while and every once in a while I'll scream. Okay, it'll make it special Um Anyways, as you heard the the laughter in the background We're welcoming the lovely Nia

Hi to the Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday Um, and you wanted to clear your name so to speak for drugging The man you allegedly love I didn't drug you you took it voluntarily. No, I did not get Yes, you talk while you talk me into it. I wasn't I didn't like slip it into your fucking corn flakes or whatever Okay, I asked you if you wanted and you were like, all right You Fucking you're just a liar. I'm not a lie. What would mean liar? How many times did you ask me to take it before I actually took the fucking I don't remember

See, that's the magical powers of the pot cookie. No, you'll be a pulling or Ronald Reagan right now. Remember you magically erases I don't remember probably a couple times No, I don't want to do that It's gonna get me all fucked up and you said no, no, no, this is mellow. Yes. I did say that. Oh, this is coming back to you now Yeah Yeah, and then like I felt it was mellow, but you're kind of a lightweight when it comes to the week. Yeah, so well Yeah, well, yeah, if you didn't drink it all I wouldn't be like hey have a couple of fucking yagers That's nothing tastes like syrup. I wouldn't do that to you. I'd let you sip on a beer or something yager is disgusting

Get you like a wine cool. Well, not for nothing wine cooler as our wine coolers. I used to drink those bottles and james Plot cookies don't don't really taste that good. Do they they definitely taste more like weed than cookie And yager definitely tastes more like yager than licorice. Well, I would just like to which is gross too Why do people is is that what yager is out there bass note if we're gonna talk in like perfume Terms are they talking musical sense? No, I gotta be honest with you. I don't even know what I don't even know what it is It's disgusting. It's like it's what is it considered think of vomit I never I never it's a liquor, isn't it? I don't know. I all I know is that it's just it's one of those things that like

when I was first living in new york and would go hang out at this awful bars on the upper east side with a bunch of like Banker kids and young stockbrokers and frat boys that were like that's heavy yager and then inevitably they'd put on You know living on a prayer and everyone would sing and it was the most horrifying experience And I hate those kind of bars and I hate that kind of vibe For that reason and I feel like if I got talked into doing a yager shot, which you know, I'm trying to go along have fun It would just be the thing that put me over Into to vomitorium

So yager is not yes discuss. It's for people who don't know how to drink. Well, this is what it really is though What is it? Well the people in around the world probably drink it differently than we do. Okay Yagermeister is a german digestif. So this is like after you have like a big meal You sip it that makes sense you in france. Yeah, yeah made with 56 herbs and spices at a strength of 35 alcohol by volume Whatever the whoa, 35 percent I mean, that's a lot. No wonder people Mainline it like fucking Yeah, I mean china

But a couple drug references in there for you What's white shine is that heroin? I think I think I don't know who are you? Oh, there you go. It's a digestif. So it's not supposed to Okay, you're not supposed to be doing what people are doing with it. I got it 35 alcohol to that that it makes a lot of sense I would just also like to say in terms of the the edible that you ingest it It is a lot The edible that you ingested it was cut into fours as is recommended

It's not like you ate the entire cookie. So I want people to understand That it wasn't like you got the whole entire thing. Oh, yeah, yeah But still I mean a lightweight like me and yeah, I was like fucking tripping You were 70 proof. That's what yager is That's also insanely high. No, that's it's not 70 proof. I mean, it's up there. It's a shot Well, look, let me just let me just like jack daniels Yeah

Well, let's see. I'd like to know these old jack all my buddy your buddy jack daniels my buddy. I visited him the other night I only had only talked to him once though I usually have a long conversation that slowly dissolves into tears You know what I mean jack. Do you like jameson? Uh, yeah, I do. It's all right. I know what's what you're fancy. Yeah, I want you to become a snob Yeah, james like I got when I'm in the mood. Yeah, when I want to get fucking hammered Jameson, you know, if I want to have like, you know, something nice and pretend I actually I'm cultured I'll go with more of a scotch or something like that

Is that that stuff that you have that's in that like suitcase looking thing that coffin? Yeah, what is that that blue stuff? Is that johnny walker blue? Yeah, it's like a half gallon of johnny walker blue There's a lot of it. They don't even sell that bottle when I went in and bought it They had it in their liquor store for 10 years and versey was coming out here So I was like, I got to get this thing. Yeah, you're just laughing like the label's different the thing. It's the sickest fucking It looks like it's in a suitcase. It's like it's so pretty like it's leather and it's like really what's that other one? That's really fancy when you're really dedicated to damp damaging your liver. You know what I mean? What's that other one you have that's really fancy that you haven't even drank yet?

You've had it here for like three years Papi van winkles, right? Did you break that open when paul versey was here? No, we didn't but I drank that I drank Papi's with him in uh, what the hell were you Nashville? So it's here, but you just haven't drank it. Yeah, I'm just waiting for that right time when all everybody's over You know to break it open and uh, when would that be? I don't know in other words. You want a shot. I'll I'll try it like I want to try that shot We went to the was it the polo lounge and we had that that fancy shit that you were dying to get which stunk Yeah, you were like, uh, what was that louis louis the 14th or 13th or something like that like nine zillion dollars

And it's stunk. I've had better. I've had better cognacs Yeah, that one comes that that one's uh, that one's like totally like, uh That's like the boy band Of cognacs. It's which one well because everybody who doesn't know anything about it like me Happy and we know though the cognac There's a lot of snobs that say papi's is for the price is fucking overrated But uh, it's still delicious though The way to get all of those is just to buy the shot if you go out and buy the bottle

You're an asshole, which I am, you know, I mean they're completely overpriced But it's fun when you have people come over And you break out the bottle It's it's a nice thing to do as a host But if you're just gonna you should never buy a bottle that just for yourself and then just sit there That's well, I mean, I guess you're saving. I mean it's sat there for like a few years now Yeah, you gotta you gotta break it out That's you know the old me when I when that's how ignorant I was with and I'm still don't know much about this shit

All right, so save you fucking cunty tweets Can you just in a in a nice polite way be like actually it's not 30 alcohol? How that fuck because I know it's not 30 alcohol. It's like 30 of something blah blah blah some egg has Oh You know like just as a human being you're supposed to know everything right, you know You're into math and booze. So you know the answer to that, you know I know the answer other things a lovely bartender or mixologist Perhaps listening who actually really knows and it's not gonna just like I don't want to talk to a mixologist

Because I don't like that word That was that's right up there with foodie, right? Foodie, which I've even said and then after a while it's like, you know, I don't I don't like that at the end foodie I'm a foodie. I'm a mixologist. So what about fucking bartender? What about that? Do you know how hard it is to be a bartender though Can you imagine switching places with a bartender on a really busy night? It's like it looks I worked in the restaurant industry Yes, were you a bartender? No, but at one point I worked the I worked a grill with one of those tall chef hats I was last and I was the busboy and I washed dishes

All at the same time. It was like a fucking Carol Burnett sketch the restaurant was going out of business and initially I was just the busboy and then a dishwasher and then they had this guy work in the grill And I remember he quit or got fired. He used to just get hammered and dry He had a van and used to just like restaurant people. That's the restaurant business Nuts, right? This guy used to drive this van And he came in one day and just had like this fucking like somebody just took a belt And diagonally smacked him across his forehead and what happened was he was driving home to his parents house

And he pulled in he was so shit-faced He either hit one of their cars of the tree And when his head went to slam against the windshield the visor was down a little bit and he like bent it No, there's one of those old school like metal ones. Yeah, he bent it with his head Which was probably traveling a good 25 miles an hour when he hit it and So anyways, he got fired. So then they had me Flipping burgers. Yeah, shrimp brochettes and that type of no, I think I became a dishwasher and the busboy

Brochette it was just like a bacon wrap shrimp that was seasoned And so I would I would fucking set up the tables and the lunch rush would come in which wasn't much of a rush We were going out of business, but I would be sitting there cooking shit Trying to look suave like this was this fancy fucking place Which it wasn't because I was on the grill and I was sort of eyeballing the lunch room waiting for people to finish And as I saw people finishing up, I would sort of casually duck down Where they couldn't see me like below the grill like I was

You know getting more food or something and I would pop up and my apron would be off I had the bow tie the whole busboy thing on underneath the apron and I take the hat off and I would run out there I would bust the table Bring the dishes back Rinsom set them up and then I would run back flip the fucking burger and then go back out and set the table In case somebody else came out. Oh my god, and then I would go back. Yeah, I ended up burning a guy's hand Because from the stress. I remember I made a burger. I've told this story before I made this fucking burger It was this kid Jason this metallica

fan Jesus Christ clear. I was gonna say holy shit. Whoo. She been out today Yeah, I let her out this let her out. She doesn't shit. She just peas. I know but she needs to go for a stroll I think she's farting because she's dead ass asleep Yeah, but she doesn't care if she shits in the house. She doesn't have to clean it up Look at her though. She's passed out Whoo, Cleo. Yo, I put her bed right by the by the window where the sun comes in anyway I have to go soon. So can we talk about this Jameson thing? How much or whatever jack Daniels?

All right, I promise everyone I'll finish the story about burning the guy's hand. Oh, right. Sorry. Um, what was it? You were looking up how much proof is uh, okay? Oh Jesus christ come on man. I just asked the question. Oh jack Daniels. I just wrote in jack Daniels. I should write proof that helps Then you go to the wikipedia page Can we also talk about how your social media game needs to step it up a little bit? It's 80 proof That seems like a lot too. Well, jameson is only 70 proof like what it is about jameson is it is

You're drinking something. He's supposed to sip something that you're drinking that you're fucking slammin And then they do a bunch of them And it's really I mean I would think that the the sugar is just off the fucking Yeah, the first time I ever remember the first time I ever had jameson was when we were in when you did a show in Dublin our first time in ireland and you know, I fucking love Ireland I love the people there that oh, yeah, they're the best. Oh my god It was it was that was the first time because you know, I don't drink beer that was when that guy gave you shit, right? Yeah, when we were we stand on the street corner of this irish guy is on a bicycle

Right as every european seems to be and we got we got a little turned around trying to find our hotel And I went up to him. I said, let me just ask this guy And I said, um, excuse me sir. Do you know where such and such is and he just pauses and he looks at me And he goes I do And he's just still staring at me and I look at you and I'm like, um, are you gonna tell me? I'm like Yeah, I remember you laughed you laughed one me over. Yeah, you were like, are you gonna? Well, are you gonna tell me?

And he's like, I might a moist And then he told me and it was all good and he gave me like a big smile And I was like you fucking irish, but you know you irish men you like you like black women So I feel like maybe that was part of it too I think we like women in general. I feel like everybody likes black women though Like the Italian everybody likes me Let's just go off on a nice ego trip with your social media like so Seeing me do snapchat. Are you not into doing snapchat? Not at all. No, why?

Or instagram you have an instagram. I'm not into twitter. I'm not into going on facebook I don't like any social you like he loves go there. Can we talk about your love there because you I have to do it Or else your career just dies and that's where everybody's at. So you got to be there everybody's at snapchat now And are there yeah, they are oh you whores will be back You guys you're your social media whores. You're just running around the block. Yeah, it's true It's like those kids. It's fun those fucking club kids They go to the spot the spots the spot then everybody's there and then they run across the street to the new spot And it's the same fucking people just a different background

Um, okay, isn't that what it is? I don't know club speaker Grandpa What else don't you understand, but how come you're not doing instagram you take pictures all the time? Why don't you ever? Because they're not for people. They're for me. Oh, I see Although there's a couple killer ones from how great were the pictures from dean delray's 50th birthday party amazing You Fucking I missed it. I missed it. I missed it. That's true. I'm sorry dean. Happy birthday dean delray

He's an awesome dude. It was one of the it's I don't know how you taught this this fucking guy turns 50 years old He packs out the l-ray theater his name's dean delray. So it was delray at the l-ray, right? So he goes out there. It was uh, joe bartonix hosting wearing an acdc fucking One of like a hawaiian shirt, but it's an acdc shirt, right? He brings up red band red band fucking kills it Then it was dean delray who fucking murdered one of the best sets i've ever seen him have Then christilia, then joe rogan and then I had to follow all those fucking monsters, right? and then after that

He had a live band came out And he sang the entire highway to hell album He's such a great guy fucking yeah when I tell you he fucking crushed it Yeah, like first of all the song that they opened with was uh live wire Now for acdc maniacs. I didn't even know this they oh when bond scott was still alive their original singer They always opened with live wire on all their live shows and when he died

In tribute to him they retired the song and they didn't even play it in concert for like fucking 30 years until recently They started playing it again. So Because he was playing The highway to hell album, which was the last bond scott album He also has the sickest fucking tattoo on his side of bond scott's face, which I know sounds cheesy But if you see it, it's fucking it cost him like if it's good. It's unfucking believable. Okay, because otherwise It's unbelievable. I remember having people's like famous people's faces on you unless that is a fucking amazing tattoo I remember when jim florentine was down the store

I had to show him was like, dude, you got to see this because florentine's obviously, you know that metal show I was like, you got to see this and he goes he's got a bond scott tattoo and I saw it in his face like And then he saw it. He was just like Next you know, they're off in a corner talking about 80s metal Did they play this song when we went to see acdc all those years ago? I don't remember if they played it. So anyways, so here's the funny thing I go on last and what's his face dingo? So when you finish your set, just go like, all right, you guys ready for some rock Whatever, right? You ready for some rock?

And then So right then the band was supposed to kick in Mm-hmm In rudy sarzo from fucking quiet, right? Ozzy Osbourne was just gonna do do do do do do They begin the fucking song I didn't realize that they didn't know that that's what was gonna happen Mm-hmm. So nobody was on the stage and I didn't know turn around looks like this And I said rock and roll. I was like, you guys ready for some rock and roll

They're like, yeah, I turned around there was nobody there. I was like, all right, it's coming up in a few minutes I Consonant professional longest walk ever and I get off. So anyways, they start off with fucking live wire And delray kind of sounds like bond scott and he's fucking murders it Then they played the whole highway to hell album. Mm-hmm Um, then they ended, uh, they brought out, uh Uh, uh Hang on a second. Sorry. I almost knocked my computer off. Then they bring up Dave Lombardo

from, uh I'm fucking going blank here. What? I'm trying to name his new fucking band dead cross And slayer obviously he goes out. He plays, uh, let there be rock and then they played, um They played motorhead ace of spades and fucking deigned like channeled Lemmy it was fucking unbelievable Can I tell you like when you missed it? I sat in on two songs. I played get it on and if you want blood What is so enjoyable about being with you amongst other things but like with being with somebody

That's really great too when you leave, but um, no, it's like being with someone who's So different from you like obviously we're an interracial couple There's a bit of an age difference between us. Oh, Jesus. You just kid me with rights and lefts here I know, but the thing is like I learned so much stuff about things that I wouldn't normally know like I like rock music and stuff but like, you know your Dedication to it and like your childhood or you're like being a teenager the stuff that really moves you Is like nothing I ever would have considered before and people always make fun of like Hair metal and all those bands that you like legitimately loves and when you talk about it

The musicianship and the like the Tracy guns was there from from Alley guns Yeah, yeah, like all that kind of stuff that I've seen documentaries about here Like you oh the composer the composer of emphasis for family music and from person and from velvet revolver Yes All that kind of stuff like since I've been with you. I've seen Michael Michael Devon from white snake. I've seen acdc. We saw a velvet revolver. We saw foo fighters We've seen um, I'm sure there's some other Them crooked vultures

um What's oh the band that josh is in queen of the stone age Oh, yeah, Jesus christ like all these rock shows that I never would have seen If I was not with you and I think that's really fucking cool because I already like all different kinds of music But now I really I saw Erica badu with the roots. Yep We saw bruno and for ours. I wouldn't have seen that Yeah, I wouldn't I wouldn't even gone seen uh speaking of white music. I want to go see uh Drink your big black cow and get out of here. Oh steely dan. Yeah, that's right

I wouldn't have seen them and that was one of the sickest fucking live bands I've ever seen That show was so amazing at the hollywood bowl and that's my dad. My dad was into is into steely dan so, uh Yeah, no, we've got to see some we got to see some live music coming up this year That's one of the things we like to do. I've seen some I've seen I've seen like at the small ones. I saw rival son That was somebody that dean del ray told me about yeah, you fucking love them. They're great Really? Okay, the fucking great. I saw them in this little ass club I they gotta be in a bigger place now because I've heard I heard them on the radio recently

Um, they were plugging some big show that they were doing but like the lead singer It's just got a fucking voice. It's ridiculous and their drum is insane Who was the guy when we when you did that ronda's kiss charity that mark mcgrath hosted Great guy by the way So the first time I ever had a pickle back was with mark mcgrath A little shot of jameson and a pickle back disgusting. I'll never do it again, but he swears by it But okay, so it was he was there pointed at somebody random person in the crowd He goes he goes. What'd you say, sir?

Sing a number one song that you wrote in 1997. Absolutely. And then he's saying that I just want to fly Everybody in there was singing like the all the lyrics to it But he uh very funny self-deprecating guy. Yeah, navarro was there juliet lewis kesha, but there were other Def mcagan was there obviously Guns and roses and then who else was there? There was some other gilby clock. I don't know He was one of the guitarists and guns and roses the second generation of guns and was there billy idle showed up at the end Stevens billy idle steve stevens steve stevens. Yeah Um

No, that was josh freese on drums by the way Who you you don't know him, but you know him because he's played on far for everything from like devo to nine inch nails Oh, really? Okay. Yeah Probably with minuto at some point, you know, he's got some sort of fucking studio thing with them like fucking i'll make it sound good He's like one of those guys you could just no matter what it is. Yeah He's played with fucking everybody All right, I gotta get going. I gotta go on. Oh neah. Yeah, I'm going to the gym now and Right now and then yoga tonight, but i'm i'm dedicated. I'm saying it on the podcast now. I said on my snapchat

I'm gonna say it on my oh snap chat on the podcast. I love snapchat I'm gonna do yoga every day this month 29 days. I'm kind of cheating But why are you kind of cheating? Well, because it's not like a full like 30 31 days So I feel like i'm kind of cheating, but you know, it's uh, it's black history month, so I Mean i'm just saying years ago. I wouldn't have been allowed to go into A yoga studio. You weren't allowed. I wasn't allowed. So I gotta do it You go back further far enough. You weren't allowed to even read the word yoga exactly

So no, I have to say this is by far and away the whitest shit i've ever done Is to do yoga every day and talk about rock music. Yeah. Yeah today is is topping it But that's okay. I love it. I love yoga. I feel so clear ethnic today Like i'll order a burrito or something to try to balance it off I don't know if that's something that you want to say that you're doing But ethnic food I guess it is I guess is there's so much though. What do you mean? How is that not ethnic food?

I guess but you know what makes something ethnic no the reason why i'm saying this Can you stop with that? You just said something fucked up tone. Jesus christ at any time you fucking say anything I just said I'm gonna get a burrito. It was a goddamn joke. I don't know if they could say that under an election Someone that told me that there's so much mexican food that they don't really eat in mexico That they just sort of developed for us Gringos although. I don't think i'm a gringo You're definitely a gringo. Yeah. Yeah the same way that if we fucking if we moved down there We'd fucking we'd lighten up the steak or something. It's just the way it goes. All right burrito

We'd have to adjust our shit We'd have to throw more spice into the cornflakes so they they wouldn't buy our bland shit down there Our european under-season food bland as fuck The most boring ass cereal is cornflakes. Yeah, but you know what this solid plain cornflakes. This solid though. What is the point? This solid and you're like, okay, and like 30 minutes later. You're hungry. All right. I got a question for you name a cereal with a point oatmeal It's not a cereal. It is. It's a hot cereal. No, it isn't. Yeah, it's considered a cereal. No, it isn't. Look it up

What do you want to bet? I don't know. It's a porridge Is I like that there's enough people out in the world shredded mini wheats is oatmeal healthy Let me see if anybody else was dumb enough is oatmeal a A carb a grain a starch a whole grain complex carb Alkaline a good source of fiber Acidic a carb a cereal way down the bottom. So someone did have this question. See it pops up Do you consider oatmeal a cereal is oatmeal and cereal the same thing? Wikipedia breakfast cereal health benefits breakfast cereal. I guess it is is oatmeal cereal

What is oatmeal? All right, there's a lot of people with a lot of questions here. I don't have time to go through all of this If the groats We're gonna get weeds. We're gonna get weeds about cereal and alcohol That's how that's how very oatmeal can be eaten raw with milk like a cereal Okay, or heated and eaten as porridge Okay Okay, I never said it couldn't be considered porridge. I was just saying but you never did say it couldn't be

Okay. All right. Well, can I get extra points for knowing the word porridge? Is that a word that people have never heard of is that something that's new do you think or You've known me for 12 years Nia being shady. Yes. When was the last time You ever heard me use the word porridge? I don't think I've ever heard. Oh my god 12 years our anniversary is coming up our 12 year. You stay focused No, I'm like you now. I'm add. I still remember the burn in the hand story Oh good go back to it because I'm leaving No, I've never heard you use the word porridge

But um, you know, you're going to yoga in a hollywood way our 12 our 12 year anniversary is this month How exciting is that you don't look very excited? No, because I just realized you're going to yoga for hollywood purposes. What do you mean for hollywood? I'm going for me purposes. It's like when I went to go I went to a fucking boxing gym and they started calling me billory swank Because I knew I was never I was never getting in the ring You were going to that boxing gym a lot though. I was going to Gleason's gym. Yeah Yeah, what happened to that? Well, we moved out here. So the commute got a little difficult my trainer

My trainer does boxing he trains guys all the time. Oh, yes young guys young fellas who still got that in Oh, come on You can still do what you still do pull-ups out here and you climb up. I'll skip rope But I'm not going down some stinky ass fucking gym But I pretended like I'm gonna get in the ring. I'm not I'm dumb enough for this is and I'm slow as shit. I know I'm gonna get knocked on my ass I'm going for yoga purposes for hollywood because I'm not trying to be like a yoga instructor or some kind of What are you saying?

I think you're going there to somebody in there like has a screenwriting class and you want to get like a discount Oh, Jesus. Oh, jeez. No, not at all All right. Well, I'm gonna go. All right. Do they give you like a yoga name when you go there? No, they do not. Okay. They call me by my actual name and then they remember my name and they're like, thanks Nia for coming in. Good job today. Do they call you nini namaste yoga? Oh, I like it though Do you I thought you were gonna laugh like that was stupid namaste All right, I thought it was cute namaste here namaste here Namaste in bed you go to yoga namaste here. All right. Oh, Jesus. Bye. See you later. See you later. I'm gonna take fucking

Stinky butt outside in a minute. Then I'm throwing it right in the fucking tub. You hear me? Um, anyways, let me read some advertising and then the burn hand story and then we're gonna call it a fucking day here A fucking day. Oh All right, um Where the fuck am I? Oh headspace man New advertiser headspace, man. Don't harsh the mellow Please talk about your experience with the product. I don't even know what it is

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Can I come in and and and plug something really quickly? Yes I want to plug. Can I kick it this saturday at nerd melt at meltdown comics nine o'clock You guys have seen me uh instagram and facebook and tweet all about it But uh, I'd love for you guys to come out who are some of the hosts nine o'clock. Well, we normally have tome bell Al Jackson and joey Roses de rosa joe de rosa joe de rosa the teen idol sensation from the opiate anthony program. That's right Joey roses, but This saturday we just got toned and two special guests

So guys should come and check it out. Can I kick it 9 p.m meltdown? Comics it was I supposed to yell yes, you can Can I kick it? Yes, you can. Thank you. See even I know that one. Is that uh dala soul What is that tribe called quest? Yes Oh, it's tribe called I oh whenever I went those groups sound the same to me. That's how white I am I know she just goes oh All right. Well, you tell me when you can tell the difference between fucking white snake and white lion and great white

Can you? Yeah, I can't great white and great and uh Lionhead whatever the fuck I just said white lion White lion had the guy who sounded like eddy van halen Uh, great white had the guy with the raspy voice and white snake is fucking white snake. Okay. You don't know them in the still She's laughing at me. All right Oh

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Oh, by the way, so as I was stating, uh I've told this story before but I already started if you're new to the podcast, I'll tell you so anyways I'm working the sable cafe in Cary, North Carolina It's 1987 going into 88 All right, I probably just got done seeing tesla opening up for uh It was either erasmith On the permanent vacation tour or it was def leopard on the hysteria tour

Remember joe elliot wore those acid watch ripped pants the entire tour and through all of the videos You know he went jim morrison with jim morrison wore the same leather pants He wore the same acid washed ripped fucking jeans You know and i'll tell you this right now the man knows how to pack all right Plowing ahead by the way, I always heard jim florentine really knows how to pack drop it his name twice in this podcast I always heard he's one of those guys goes away for three weeks and he'll show up with like a fucking A knapsack and like a cheese sandwich in a brown paper bag and he's just fucking good

I'd like to be more like that There I can admit that i'm old enough now to say i'd like to be more like jim florentine um anyway, so i'm working the sable cafe so uh How it works is i'm glassed in right and right behind me is that little window and behind the window is the kitchen right and there's the line So this order comes in they're like, you know this guy jason's like order up for a burger right so i'm like all right one burger coming up You know so I'm supposed to look at the order and if there's a lot of shit on the line

You know if they got a basically a bunch of entrees to make I hold off on the burger so we can time it all out So it's already I wasn't thinking because i'm busting tables and washing dishes while not washing my hand total health code violation Right, I shouldn't have said that now that I said the name of the restaurant, but it's all gone anyways um, so I just start making this burger So you know i'm because i'm watching the tables like I gotta finish this burger because I gotta go bust that fucking table and throw some Dishes into the fucking dishwasher By the way, I also mopped the whole fucking oyster bar and clean out both bathrooms before I fucking start brutal right and uh

So I just start making the burger I put it on a plate and I'm like jason burger up And he turns around and looks at me and he's got his heavy metal hair Shoved up into his chef hat and he was one of those guys that grew a mustache before he could grow one And he just looks at me. He's like dude. What the fuck I got like seven entrees here I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. Well, so just fucking put it on the grill to put it to the side of the grill So I grabbed it with tongs it was a glass plate and I just set it on the on Basically on the grill but underneath the burner that was off You know, but just basically, you know, it's a mesquite grill. So

You know, it's hot because the one the burner two three over is hot, you know And it's all the same piece of metal. So it's basically hot but not piping hot. Okay, but it's still fucking pretty hot Uh, so I go out and I bust a fucking table right and I wash some dishes and I come in and all of a sudden I got all these other orders for chicken sandwiches and brochettes and I leave the burger there I'm not even fucking thinking so Jason finally finishes the fucking entrees and he looks he goes He just goes burr. What's up with that burger? And I just grabbed it with the tongs and he has both his hands out to receive this thing And I just set it right down on his hands and he just goes

And fucking spun around And like basically threw it down on the on the on like the wood fucking Shelf that he had there and and was immediately not in the window. So the whole fucking Like dining room heard this muffled scream And looked just and then looked my way and by the time they looked I was just standing there And I tried to keep a straight face I fucking I mean, I didn't really burn it bad He just made this face before he yelled it was like his brain was registering what the fuck was happening

And with his fucking hair pushed up in his hat and that stupid mustache that really wasn't a mustache, dude I fucking ducked down and for like seven straight minutes was like crying laughing I was laughing so hard I remember he wasn't even mad at me because he was trying to be mad, but I was laughing so hard. He started laughing And uh, you know, then I had to run out and go bust all that stuff. So yeah Hey, how about a pat in the back for myself for actually remembering to finish that story because I know that uh That I didn't oh and by the way, I got a lot of backlash From my given australia shit

For saying that, you know, you only had one one attack and we had three and people like, oh, why don't you look at the population? There's only like 23 million people or some shit in fucking australia. There's like 400 million here Well, I will counter that point with the fact that the top 10 fucking most poisonous snakes like nine of them all reside in fucking australia You know like rock stars living in jamaica to avoid the fucking taxes in england, right? They're all fucking in australia All we got is a couple of rattlers over here Okay, we're so dedicated to getting killed by snakes. We fucking we had a guy die with by a cobra

Last year. They don't even live here. The thing was just visiting Bit him in a car They think it was suicide. Anyways, that's the uh podcast 45 fucking minutes It's not bad for just checking in on you. It's thursday everybody. All you got is one more day to go And then it's fucking uh, it's shit time at the fuck party, right? Isn't that what joey de rosa says? All right, I'll talk to you later. See you on monday I I I I need you guys to come up with a name

For this phenomenon you ever been standing in a uh in an airport terminal And there's some douche talking really loud on his cell phone, of course you have we all have right? It's just big just giant dude. There's a fat black dude from england So he sounds like he's in you know lock stock in uh smoking barrels Whatever the fuck it's called and he's a tub of shit Which is making me laugh because everybody in europe acts like they're fucking smart and in shape, you know, he looked like the fucking Dude on uh, you know, you know, what do you look like? You know that show the cleveland brown show, you know his son

It's exactly what he looked like. He didn't talk like him, but he had the fucking round glasses the whole goddamn thing That's what the fuck he looked like and he's talking. He's fucking he's fees american fat. He's chicago fat All right But he's european so he still has to wear those tight fucking jeans I don't know why I don't know what it is about europe and fucking suffocate in your balls But europeans just their jeans cannot be fucking tight. They just cannot be fucking tight enough They have they have to fucking Frame their package their goddamn units

Look like fucking hand solos face when he gets frozen in that little piece of fucking carbon Or whatever the fuck it was um Anyways, so he's running his stupid. Yeah Yeah, mate going over to melbone after that going to go back over to fucking who gives a fuck, right? Just talking talking talking Big stupid chicago bear fucking gut, you know, you know when you get the creases on the side you could stick mail in there He's got those on the side, right?

Offensive lineman fat You know, he's got great footwork though, but look at his fucking belly and he's just running his goddamn yap you know, so I walk away from the guy, but he's one of these guys who takes a little stroll when he walks So he keeps fucking walking over into my little area right So i'm like, uh, you know bill come on just fucking Don't be this don't be fucking screaming and yelling just fucking relax

And uh, what is the name of this phenomenon? They start loading the fucking plane. I get on the plane Here comes that fucking douche, right still talking. Yeah, mate. Yeah. Yeah. Good day, mate. Yeah. Yeah all fucking bullshit I know good day mates from fucking australia before I get shit from fucking people from england. You all sound the same to me, right? so He comes walking up the aisle. He's still running his fucking yap And i'm just going oh jesus christ. All right. Only off listen this guy for another five four three until he goes by And the motherfuckers in my row What are the odds?

You know, what are the fucking odds goddamn 70 fucking rows? Not only is he in my row. He's sitting right next to me And he stays on the phone the whole fucking time. Yeah, mate. Yeah No, no Teddy bears watch and telly is this stan Right the whole fucking time Why are you swearing i'm not swearing the whole fucking time sitting next to me running his goddamn? Yeah, but this fat fucking stomach and the crease in the side

and um It's the only this is the only uh, the only props i will give this guy is is You know, he never he never said hello We didn't speak the whole flight. I loved it I loved that he was as self-involved as i am And uh, last thing i wanted to hear last thing i want to do Was start talking to him because he already annoyed the shit out of me and i know from experience that if i'm going to talk to somebody from another country

At some point they're gonna shit on the united states That's something that they like to do while calling us the ignorant americans traveling around the world, you know All knees and elbows those motherfuckers come over here And it's just you can't talk to them for more than fucking five minutes before they they shit on america I don't i don't want to fucking understand it You know I would never do that The only the only way i would do that is if i was on stage in another country just just for the fucking

Ridiculousness of it to start making fun of that fucking country But if i was sitting on a plane i would just be talking you have a beautiful country, but blah blah blah be a decent fucking guy I don't fucking ah jesus christ The hell was i just gonna tell you i just remembered something in the middle of that The hell was i talking about hang on a second. Let me think about this Oh, yeah, i remember what it was did i tell this story like fucking four months ago I pulled my big ass truck into this small spot But there was nobody on the other side of me and i was fine right when i came out

Somebody had pulled in and it was really tight as far as like on either side of my truck And then i didn't have a lot of space to back out. So it was this fucking problem I keep trying to back you know back out come back in back out like into my way And so this fucking guy starts helping me out. I think he was from england And he's like, uh, you know next time. Why don't you do the un-american thing and back in? And i i i fucking i It's like you can't even help me out of the spot without fucking nitpicking You're fucking cunts. You know what i'll listen to it from australia

But england the the amount of shit that is going on in the world Still because of those cunts the fact that they actually fucking give you have the balls to give the united states shit The very least be like hey, welcome to the party Welcome you guys are slowly catching up to us historically as the biggest fucking oppressive douchebags on the planet You want to come at me like that? Absolutely But if you're gonna fucking come at me like you didn't do all this other bullshit out there The fucking caste system in india and all that fucking crap the shit that happened rwanda You know

That's all i got two examples. I don't know anything else The fucklin islands Ah jesus the ignorant american strikes again, but you know what i'm saying if i actually read i could fucking bury you guys in this argument All right with your jolly rancher flag whatever the fuck you call it um All right, thank god. I don't have a gig coming up in english after that little thing, you know my Uh dilemma uh bill what would you choose?

Um to either have sex with any woman in the world neah wouldn't mind I wouldn't care if she gave a shit if i had my choice of any fucking woman in the world just to do it one time Uh that wouldn't be worth it it wouldn't be worth it to lose neah, but but my dick would override that wisdom In the moment um or to have access to the truth about any government secret in history What would you do? All right, well, how would i know any government secret in history? Would they know that i knew it and then they'd start tracking me down and then i'd have to be like fucking jason born for the rest of

My life never getting to sleep more than five seconds between concussions um All right, first of all if i could have sex with any woman in the world Who would it be? Ah Let's see here. Well, you got the k you got you got your major groups I think you got four major groups you have famous you have celebrity women um

You have uh like celebrities like movie stars then you have you have uh rock star chicks sports chicks And then you got chicks from your past You know Some teacher you always wanted to bang Any woman in the world you're gonna go back, but she has to be as hot as she was

Oh, this is a dilemma Oh, by the way, the other day I was at a comedy club and that that uh pink was that was actually in the crowd And uh, I didn't go up or anybody she walked by it's fucking absolutely Like slump against the wall beautiful absolutely fucking gorgeous Um, I'm telling you something like those fucking like super famous people like they don't even look real when they walk by you They're just like they're they're genetics like I don't know what happened But I'm just like Jesus fucking christ You know, I mean, I knew she was good looking right? I've seen the videos, but everybody looks good in videos

You know and then half the time you seem in fucking real life I'll tell you this right now. If you ever see pink. She does not disappoint Fucking Just write down the checklist. Absolutely fucking gorgeous. You know beautiful fucking dress that was sexy, but not slutty She had the fucking tattoos, but not too many of them Fucking just absolutely, uh Fucking gorgeous. I felt like I was in second grade Um, you know, like when a beautiful girl walks by you're like, you don't even know what to say

Um, all right, so let's get back to it. So if I could Bang any woman in the fucking world Well, there's two kinds of women there's the woman that you're fucking is absolutely gorgeous and makes you believe in an afterlife And then there's the other girl you want to bang just to shut her the fuck up You You know what I mean Like I bet there's a lot of liberals out there that want to just bang and culture just stick that dick right in her fucking mouth You know what I mean, but not like a totally malicious way

Just really put one on her where she's just fucking losing it and you know making noises in bed that she didn't even know she could make and uh, you know And make her be able to make those noises even though she knows that you voted for obama, you know There's that kind of fucking right And then there's the other one where you just want to fucking uh You know run down the beach hand in hand with some girl At least in my world, that's the only those are the only two What would I do? You know what I would choose, uh

I Would choose sex with any woman in the world because um That government learning a government secret. I've actually done that on a certain level And it just it's like being in show business is when you're like wouldn't it be cool to meet this person? And then you meet them and and they're like the biggest fucking asshole ever or they uh, I don't know they just like they just do something that Just it just blows your whole fucking image. It's it's it's the Wizard of Oz thing We you know what you don't want to peek around the corner

You don't want you don't want to peek around the corner. So what what I would do is uh I would definitely I would I would I would I would have sex with someone and and you know what I'm it would have to be somebody famous And uh Then out of respect for Nia it would have to be uh just to shut them the fuck up kind of woman Although I would love to run down the beach, you know, why can't I have that? Why can't I have happiness? All right, let's let's pick one one of each

all right Is there any girl I just wanted me to shut the fuck up I Would say back in the day it would have been Madonna, but like she would just she was like beyond annoy She was so fucking annoying. She was like I would just want to get out of the room You know what I mean? Nia always watches that blonde ambition tour and there's nothing more nauseating than watching somebody who's surrounded by yes men

You know what I mean? They're just completely fucking obnoxious everything they say everyone's hanging all over every word and they just laugh at it everything like That's you know something that's one thing that I have learned in this business is uh A major red flag is somebody who has an entourage if you have an entourage like uh I don't know I've already I I automatically judge you as like all right this person is uh Is not somebody I'm gonna want to fucking be around because the only way I'm gonna be able to exist is this I Assimilate into your entourage and when you tell the joke that isn't funny

I can't be like I can't look at you like that joke sucks I have to fucking do like what they're doing You know laugh my ass off because you're paying for my hotel room the fuck out of here right That and and people who don't hang out with pierce You know, maybe they don't have an entourage, but everybody they hang out with is fucking like 10 years behind them in this business Then that's another that's another red flag Because then nobody's calling you out on your shit, right?

That's that's how I look at it. How did I get to that with this shit? You know what I'm gonna have to get back to you on this one You know, I'm a fucking 44 year old guy. So I I don't really sit. You know when I was younger. I had my my I'll go back in the day my list. Okay when I was a kid uh the bionic woman all three charlie's angels um Farrah I wanted to bang I had lust for her kate jackson

I would marry and jacklyn smith You know, it's your fault for standing between the two of them See you're going down too, but you know, I didn't need jacklyn smith Because I already had the brunette with with fucking uh kate jackson Then who else who else in the 80s? I like what's her face the replacement for shelly long

Uh, I was in the look who's talking. She came on had that horse smoky horsey fucking smoky voice Whatever the fuck you supposed to say it's supposed to sound way more sexy than that Uh, she had nice fucking curves Got a little out of control there after a while, but uh, you know um She still has nice hips. I gotta tell you uh Who else?

You know, it's weird florins henderson when she had the worst mullet haircut always turned me on more than when she had that awful fucking Oh marsha marsha brady when she fucking had the little short skirts on Fucking uh janet jackson when she was on uh different strokes Who else I just it goes on for fucking ever. I just can't remember anymore Who's never cindy lopper I could tell you that She just seemed like some spaz little fucking boy to me

Yeah, and then that fucking haircut that she had was she fucking had like a tic-tac toe board on the side of her head That just really freaked me out Um, not that I was totally against that haircut because I thought that chicken. Wow. Wow. Wow. I thought she was hot um I Who the fuck else did I like lita ford? Oh my god that I like her I think I might have There's somebody back then I can't fucking remember

Oh Oh Speaking of lonely I was just watching television by myself speaking to it as if it was another life human being And I saw this commercial for this this this new website called farmers only dot com This is not a commercial people This is actually an observation Um, it was basically showing uh, you know some a couple of ranchers a couple of farm girls And they just walk in the fields by themselves

you know Playing with their face finger playing with each other You know you do that when you were a little kid You do that little thing where you put your thumb and index finger together on both hands You need kind of do the little almost like there's an invisible tiny screw, you know There's some poor woman walking through like these uh A bunch of corn You know and the cows are all concerned to the point. They're actually speaking English to one one another, you know

About each of them going how the hell they're gonna meet each other And then all of a sudden this wailing whore comes over the top and just starts singing you'll never be lonely at farmers only dot com So it's basically their facebook And you should go and look at it on youtube. That's what you should do. You shouldn't work You know, where do you work? What are you doing? Is it your dream or somebody else's you just a cog in the wheel? You know Are they really going to notice if you stop working

Everybody else is working. Why don't you just fucking you know tour de france just sort of draft behind a couple peoples today, you know Take a fucking monday off So anyways check out this video And you know what's the funniest thing about it is the comments underneath it is the amount of people who shit on You know just immediately thinking how dumb people are It's like these people grow our fucking food. Do you understand that? I'm sure they don't know where the rave is You know for who the most popular bands are or how to get from fucking brooklyn over to statten island Right, they don't know how to do that shit

They don't know how to put on a fucking shiny shirt right and go jump on the subway and go down to wall street and make sure Old people eat dog food for the rest of their fucking lives. Yeah, they don't know how to do that You know what they know how to do they ought to make they ought to make corn right Or plant it so it grows they don't make it God makes it and he makes that fertile fucking country You know, it's gotta be really hard to catch herpes out there You know what I mean? I mean it much spread really fucking slowly

Jesus christ, I mean you you must fucking rub them up at least two loads out by the time you get to our house Just sitting there driving and driving Fucking tornado man you pull over rub another one out and by then you know, I don't know what the fuck I'm going over there for anyways Shit, I got more teeth than her. That's a deal breaker. Look now. I'm making fun of them At farmer's only dot com That's gonna be embarrassing you and your fucking neighbor are gonna join You'll be the only ones on the site Hey, I thought you wanted to fuck me

That just was too long a walk. You know what I'm saying Plus it's tornado season. You never know what's gonna happen I like how that they're called the flyover states Yeah, no reason to go there. Yeah, no reason to check in on the food supply Uh Like you're gonna that'd be a good thing to fucking freak him out with just show up with like a clipboard The fuck are you doing sit it boy? Well, they actually you know something they make themselves Kind of separatist because at the end of it. Is that even a word?

Um, they actually say this city folks don't understand What don't we understand loneliness? Is that what it is come to new york and be alone with everybody? You never heard that you fucking You know what fuck them Goddamn farmers. Jesus christ. What you don't have your cousin's phone number So are you sick of fucking your sister? So now you got to get your own facebook and see the jokes are just too easy here people You know You sick of fucking pig

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