Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-6-20

Episode Date: February 7, 2020

Bill rambles with Tom Papa about 'living in the moment', classic stuff, and how everything fun kills you.

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We have a very special guest here. Very special. It's becoming, I'm becoming more social with my podcast. That's good. You should open up a little. I know. I usually, I usually don't have guests too often. What the fuck am I doing with this? And this is what becomes the problem because I have my little system how to do. We have the wonderful Tom Papa. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Well, it's easier if people call you to do the podcast rather than you having to chase them. Like that's the worst part about it, I guess. Let's, let's be smart here and promote what we have to promote.

Okay, let's go. Tom, you're not here just because you love me and you love hanging out and hearing my diarrhea in the mouth. Has nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with it. Not today. Not today. It has to do with the fact that you have a new standup special streaming right fucking now on Netflix called you're doing great. You're doing great on Netflix.

Which you bitchin, you're doing great. Things aren't that bad. You gotta realize that you really, I know you're filled with anxiety. I know you feel like you're fat and you are, but that doesn't mean you're not doing great. Yeah. Just think of the life you're living that you could become fat. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah. How about that? How about that? What's the heaviest you'd go?

The heaviest I, You weren't in this business. You worked alone from home. Right. No one was going to judge you. You know, you're a lover of food. The heaviest I've ever been. Okay.

Was 210. 210. How tall are you? I'm 511. 511. The hair under 511. Hair under 511. Yeah. 210.

210. That was the fattest I've ever been. Fattest. That was after Italy. Pure blubber. That was after Italy. Pure blubber. You know, everyone's always like, oh, you go to Italy and you eat their bread and you eat

their gelato. And it's not like in America, you don't get fat there. Oh yeah. That's bullshit. I came back with very tight fitting everything. Yeah. Well, you don't get as fat. Right.

You definitely get fat. I mean, if you read up on that shit, dude, like we're trying to force countries to take our food. Yeah. And they're like, we're not taking that shit. So then they created this court, this international supreme court these corporations did. And then we've decided you have to take our food. No.

And then they go, all right. Well, then we're going to say what's in it. They're like, no, you're not. That's what we're reading. What? Yeah. All these fucking people who are sitting there, saying, you Americans are a bunch of fat fucks.

It's like, you come over here. Yeah. Do you try and do it? You fucking, you chow down some fucking GMOs and some trans fats. Yeah. Let's see how you do. We're being poisoned. Yeah.

We're really being poisoned. That's why I always come back to the bread. You know, I'm obsessed with baking bread, but it's real bread. It's flour, water, salt and yeast. And for all these years, like, like trying to get healthy bread for my family, you can't do it. I know. It's very difficult to get it without sugar and without all these extra additives and stuff

I can't even pronounce. We're really being poisoned and it's, it's difficult. Even when you think you're picking out stuff that's good for you, there's a good chance of something in it. However, you're doing great. Everything's fine. You are doing great. I can't tell.

But this is denial. If this is just a way to like try to like navigate whatever the fuck it is that's that this impending thing that we feel like is going to be happening, you know, you can wait your whole life though for that to happen. That's right. That's, that's what I was starting to feel when I was out on tour. I'm like talking to people and I'm realizing that they're filled with anxiety and they're watching news all the time and they're getting obsessed with this kind of like sense of panic

or not even panic, like looking at other people on social media and seeing other people's lives and thinking that their life pales in comparison. And it's like, no, you're, no, this is all an illusion. You're the first human being that has to digest all this stuff. No other human brain has had to do that. So just tune that out and realize a simple life is fine. You're doing great. You know what I did?

I took my daughter and wife, we went to my daughter's dance class and my wife's so cool. She's like, oh, you know, there's a library on the way here and we checked out some books. I'm like, you nerd. I go, that's so cool. And I went in there and I was hanging out and I saw up on the up there, you know, we check out books. They had rumblefish and I looked at it and the printing was big. It was 135 pages.

I'm like, this is in my wheelhouse. I sat down with that thing yesterday, read the whole thing. I mean, with the typing, it's usually, it's probably about 55, 60 pages and absolutely loved it. It wasn't on my phone, felt chill afterwards. I wasn't scatterbrained. I love the ride that the book took me on and that's a simple pleasure. Well it really is the cell phone though.

And I'm, I'm the biggest, you know, guilty of this is like this morphine drip of, of anxiety. This IV bag that is just stuck into your fucking arm. And I get, you know what, I get all of my news. Yeah. Well, no, I can't, I click on the magnifying glass on, on Twitter to see what's trending. Oh God. I know it's so bad.

It's the worst. It's just poison. It's literally poison. Well, I can't watch CNN or Fox cause that's going to be totally biased. Yeah. That's poison too. I know. How bad is the fucking thing with, uh, did you see the, okay, so, uh, stupid did his

speech last night and then when he's done, yeah, fucking that other idiot rips it up. It's like, am I watching, did Vince McMahon write this watching like a wrestling promo? Can you guys act like fucking adults? And it's just like anything that, that, that her side of the table was going to get. They lost in that moment to that stupid thirsty as the kids say grandiose thing. You wear a blue fucking bra. We know you don't like what red panty said. Right.

You know, you didn't need to do that. And he comes up and he doesn't shake her hand in the beginning. No, I'm not shaking your hand and he won't take it up, tearing up your script. It's ridiculous. I just was waiting for the problem to sign up, you know, like some little kid. And the problem is you can, as you're paying attention to all this stuff and you're going through like even a name stuff, like on social media, just looking at your friends and family or celebrities that you're following years are just peeling by.

And this is it. Like right now, like this is prime time for us. This is like the good years as a human being, an adult, you only get like a certain chunk. Why would you spend it polluting your mind and body with all of this horrible stuff? I go on Facebook. I get depressed. I start looking up old friends and classmates and they're old, I'm old and I'm hoping things are working out for them.

But it's just something about, there's just something like, there's just something about, I don't know what it is, but it's like, I had that thought the other day after right before I went to bed, it was on Facebook or something like that. And I woke up in the morning and my first thought was the amount of decades that I've been in. I was like, all the 70s, all the 80s, all the 90s, all the 2000s, all the teens, fuck, I'm in my sixth decade, seventh decade because I was born in 68. I was just like, what the fuck?

Yeah, that's my philosophy is don't do the math, but it's so hard not to. No, no, you should definitely, that whole fucking bullshit, nobody lives in the moment. Nobody does, like a dog does, like our brain, you can't do that, just hope you can take all of these yoga classes and shit, you can't fucking do it. Here's the one thing I've kind of been thinking about in regards to that lately, is that you can't do it. You can't live blissed out and just, this is just the flowers are great and the sun is, this is wonderful.

But you can take it, you can probably get three to five minutes of that in your day. You know what I mean? Of just being grateful, like, oh, I shot a special, my podcast is going well, I've got a daughter, she's going to dance class. This is actually pretty good, three minutes, five minutes, and then get back to work and get back to letting your brain go. And I think if you were able to do that, like three, five minutes a day, that's a pretty big achievement for a human brain.

Well now it is, yeah. I'm finding now that I, like, I try to leave my cell phone in a different room and it's crazy how difficult it is. So hard. I just had the fucking thing there, being my wife, we fucking, hey, let's watch this TV show, right? Which is stupid. We never used to have a TV in the bedroom, now we do.

And we'll just be sitting there. And then like just in different times during the show, all of a sudden she's on her phone, I'm on my phone, something's said, and then I look it up. And I'm thinking, you know, all the work somebody made, the 14 hour days to create this fucking thing over how many months, and I'm going to spend half of it looking at my phone. Checking your likes. Watching Nancy Pelosi tear up the speech of Trump after Trump didn't shake her hand. And then read the comments of somebody, such a fucking idiot that they're going to fucking

sit there and try to get people going. Yeah. And start a fight. Oh, great. We can all fight on this now. Look at this guys. We can fight on there like dogs with like a bone. Yeah.

And now we can all know. I almost commented on something today because there was something on the, the tight end for the San Francisco 49ers, there was a video of him standing on the sideline when 49ers knew they were going to lose. Yeah. He was just like, this isn't going to define me. I'm definitely going to be back. I'm not going out like this and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then all these fucking assholes who didn't play in the Super Bowl. Yeah. That's what everybody says. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking try me a thing. Yeah. Fuck you.

Dan Marino said that. And I'm like, you guys are mad that this guy is taking a crushing defeat in a positive way. Right. Right. Yeah. What's wrong? Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. I don't know. No, it's the noise, the noise. But I really feel like, I just felt like in the act, like wrote itself from the reaction that the people were having when I was doing it, they were coming up to me after the show and saying, like relief, like no, like total sincerity, no cynicism. Thank you.

Thank you for saying we're doing great. She goes, yeah, I'm, I'm raising my kids and I'm, I think it's all going all right. And, but then I feel like this. I don't know why. And it really started to feel so positive that I just kept drilling into it. And I feel like for us, the cool thing is like, you can go off and work on your, you need something to work on. We can go work on our act where you can get like really into coffee or you get really

into cigars. Yeah. Or you know what I mean? Or bread. Seriously, those things, they're, they're much more important than we think and definitely more important than all this stuff that we have on our phone. Yeah. We have, so I don't know.

Now the cigar thing. We were starting to talk about that. Yeah. We started talking about that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had to quit him.

Quit. I had to quit. Well, I mean, it was a, was it like a habit? Like you getting itchy if you didn't have one? No. It just, I have that thing. Well, I don't have like it. I don't get itchy.

I just think like, I want to do that. And then I just do it. Right. Yeah. I think it's the same reason why I try not to have ice cream cookies and candy around because I'll fucking eat it. Right. So I can't have booze around because I'll drink it.

Right. If I got cigars around, I'm going to smoke them. Yeah. But if you take them away, I'm not like clawing at the fucking walls running out to buy more shit. I just go, they're all gone. All right. Yeah.

Well now, what, now what can I obsess about? Right. I'm going to learn the top three fucking lines of every team in the NHL. I'll go do that instead of eat candy. I have the weirdest fucking brain. So I have to, I finally learned after half a goddamn century that I really have to pay attention to what it is I'm getting into. That's smart.

That's a really smart, that's a very self-aware thing to do. Well, I mean, I had 50 years to fucking figure it out. You give me 50 years lead time, not 50 first year, I'll fucking figure it out. So yeah, I haven't boozed in them, you know, I quit and I remember no booze either. I haven't quit. I quit that the end of 2018, November, 2018. You haven't had a drink since then? No.

Not one drink? No. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Sucks. Do you consider yourself like sober, like, like Norton sober? No, I wouldn't say that because occasionally I'll take an edible.

I don't like smoking weed. I don't like putting smoke in my lungs. It's funny. I'll fucking have it marinating in my mouth, which is another thing I was just like, oh, so I'll just get jaw cancer. This is stupid. So an all cigar smokers, I mean, it's a cigarette guys. I mean, those guys, if we're sitting there in a cigar bar, breathing in all of our fucking

second hand smokers, it's stupid. Having said that, you know, once a year during the Rose Bowl sitting on the golf course, fucking Joe Bartnick and all the guys I love, just fucking, that's when you have a cigar. Special occasion stuff. Yeah. I think I'm going to dry out for like three months and then I'm going to, you know, celebrate one. Well, you know what happens is once you start smoking cigars, then you meet all these people

that smoke cigars. Yeah. And it's a very social thing and they want to do it with you. That's right. Because it's such a gross thing to everybody else that if you find another animal that does it, you're like latch onto them because everyone else is like, oh, like even, even my wife forget it. And then my friends, half of them are like, ugh.

And then you find Robert Kelly, he's like, dude, let's go. Let's go. Oh yeah. I mean, it was just like, like there wasn't enough reasons to love Bobby Kelly. Now he will smoke a cigar anytime. Anywhere. Anywhere. And he's always just like, anything you're doing, like, dude, I'm going to have this

guy do my taxes. Why don't you come by and we'll smoke a couple of bats, just got a couple of chairs right in front of his office. And he just like, that's awesome. Let's do that. No, it's such a great thing because there are like, there is this thing. I don't know what it is because that is it's relaxing and there's no phone and all of that. So you kind of put all that stuff away.

You put all that stuff down and what I love about when I go into cigar bars is, you know, if I've gone into those things by myself and next thing, you know, I'm fucking talking to somebody. Yeah. And it's a very like, hey, what are you smoking? Right. A lot of guys, they're, they're sports fans, a lot of guys that run their own businesses to tip, uh, uh, sort of, uh, I've never met like a douche.

Yeah. Really? That is, I'm sure there are a few, but generally speaking, like cigar smokers are cool. Mm hmm. And they just, because they're out there killing it, doing something. And they're, now this is like, you're catching them in this relaxing, yeah. And then everybody has their philosophy of how they smoke, where it's just like, you know, I do it, I do it every Sunday.

I have this, I, you know, I built this little thing. My wife is fine with it. They have the whole, whole little thing that they do. I, I got out of control with them and now I just dialed it back, you know, my kids give me a rough time. We all have the same fucking story. Everyone has the same story. Everything you just said is my problem.

Like I used to, I was starting to do more often, but now I've got teenage daughters and they're just like slamming door shut and like coming out. Oh, I was going to sit out here. I guess I'm not. And then like back inside. Did you like, there's, there's one of the precious moments that I'll have with my kid. Totally.

And it even got to the point where I didn't want to like stink like it, like I'll do it before they come home from school. But now they say, oh, dad, you smell. It's all right. So now I've blown that hour too. I can't hang out with them now. So it just became this thing where everything in my life was up against me. My father does it every day.

My daughter's done. Oh, how old was he? He's 74. I love it. Yeah. And he just, he just shrunk the size of them. He drinks, he smokes those like nubs. Like they're like half of them.

I love those things. He just smokes that. Oh, I was talking to your daddy at Christmas party about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The nubs. I love the nubs. Yeah. He really liked it.

It's shorter. He gets his fix, but he does it every single day. Well, I bought him out. I do that podcast, you know, once a month with Bert Kreischer, the Bill Bert podcast. So we were going to smoke cigars, which, you know, was going to look obnoxious. So we just decided to smoke these really big, stupid ones. Have you ever seen those cigars did like a 90 gauge? It looks like a fucking deli pickle.

Yeah. So we smoked one of those fucking things. It's like Cape Fear, right? It was just like, yeah, you like a fucking blow up doll mouth, trying to fucking suck on those things. And something happened that day where I was walking out to my car and I was, I wasn't limping, but I wasn't walking straight and people were going like, Hey, Bill, what do you want to know?

It's like, yeah, okay. Yeah. I just edit it. You know, it turns out, you all right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fucking getting in the car.

Yeah. It was like three months with the nicotine. Yeah. That's bad. That happened when you leave in here one time or your old place. So there was, we, we had a pretty big one and like, I just had one scotch when it wasn't much, but I got into the car like, I don't know if I'm going to throw up or just be dizzy the rest of my life.

Yeah. Like you have to like, that's another thing. I, I, oh, I had a, I have, Kevin Shea came over one time and he smoked a cigar and he puked. Oh no. Me and Bart Nick were there and he, we see started to call, you know, Reggie Jackson was Mr. October. We started calling him Mr. May because we had already been smoking.

He came over after us and he wasn't a big cigar. So I felt bad. Yeah. Cause he, I think he like cigarette smokers when they don't have a cigar there, their tendency is to inhale. Yeah. And that's what he did. He had a couple of drinks, but he's such a riot.

He was laughing his ass off about it. So awful. But what was good was it probably cured him of, of that habit. But I, I love, um, I love them and I went to a Super Bowl party and this guy had this amazing selection of them and I walked up like six times during the game and I never smoked one. I just sort of like smelled them like, oh, yeah, I know it is a nice thing, but you know, the specials out, I feel like a, you know, a milestone, you always have those little

milestones in your head. And it's like, I thought, well, when I shoot it, I'll have one and I didn't. And then I, when it comes out, I figure I'll do it, but my family's all around. And I'm still be all those times that I'm not doing it. This is where, you know, it's kind of a dick thing. Yeah. I think about it every day. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about, well, maybe today, maybe I can

work it in today. Yeah. You know, the same thing happened to me with weed. I was like, stopped weed. I wasn't funny anymore on it. It was uncomfortable. I just cut it out of my life. Every day since then, I think, oh, I wonder if I would get high today.

Like I, it's weird. Oh, you don't smoke weed or anything like that. That's good. No. That's a good thing. I like drinking, but even that's kind of like weaning a little bit because I just, you know, I'm getting up early and it's just one drink. We used up all your fun days.

I was talking about that on my podcast where if I could give you anything, I would give you any advice. First of all, don't buy anything. Yeah. Don't fucking buy anything. You don't need it. And it's just going to be shit. You're going to have to look at all the fucking knickknacks I got in this goddamn thing.

This is just shit people gave me. Yeah. This is, I was here when this room was pretty empty. Yeah. So, yeah, it's just a bunch of shit and then, and then you just have all of this shit and then you die and then people have to come in and figure out what to keep and what to throw out. You give them a job.

So I was telling them that and then I was telling them on the partying and stuff is go easy. Yeah. Pace yourself. Yeah. I'm not going to say the name, but this was one of the coolest stories ever. All right. I'm not going to say who was this.

A person I know. Do I know them? Yes. Bought a house. Look at typical time. I'm going to break this down and figure out who it is. Do I know them? Are they older or younger than us?

Male or female? Male. And that's all you get. I do, but this fucking house on this quiet street, right? And he was like, everybody on this street is fucking cool, except this one old lady down the street and she's in her nineties and she has people over like almost every night and they fucking drink and play music and have a good time. And I'm like, she either has like ridiculous, it's probably both genetics or she always

just, you know, I bet there's food involved. There's a whole. She has the people. She has the people over. She's the one that has cars on the street. 92. I think 95. Oh my God.

Yeah. Like way the fuck up there. Yeah. She has all these friends and they come over and they play cards and they eat and they drink and they cackle. That's amazing. They have a fucking great time and if there's ever a time to do that almost every night, it's when you're in your nineties.

Oh, a hundred percent. No one can say, Hey, watch your drinking. You could be, dude, I could be dead tomorrow. Yeah. Give me a fucking martini. Thank you. Stat. Yes.

Yeah. A hundred percent. This could be my last night of martini ever. That's right. This could be my final martini. Martini. So, and I would like to enjoy it without your fucking life advice if you don't mind. I think it's, I though, I just thought it was the, uh, but.

All right. I totally agree. But shouldn't we be living that way also? Cause news flash, you could be dead tomorrow. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. If anything from that Kobe shit, that was just like, I could not.

Everybody got that. I could not shake. And it is, is everybody's talking about the daughter. I just could not fucking like, yeah, like that was that I'm telling you, like I was, I was joking with everybody for sports fans. Yeah. That was our lady die. Yeah.

What a great lady die. Like the whole world was like, oh my God, she was in the prime of her life, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like as much as I was like, this is terrible, this is tragic and I felt real bad for the two boys. Um, I wasn't in that world, so I didn't feel like that taken thing and like with, with the Kobe thing. It was just in his daughter.

And then also like, I also like, I didn't, I, I didn't know anything about, you know, his daughter or anything like that. I learned all of that stuff after he died, but I saw all these pictures of him with his daughter. And the way she smiled when she was with him, it's like, anybody can get that smile when your daughter is three. Yeah. To get that when you're 13, you're a great fucking dad.

That's right. So I was looking at that going like, I want to have my kids smiling at me like that at 13. That's fucking incredible. And just the way that that was like taken away, but yeah, um, the life is short part of it. Definitely. But like, uh, I don't want to be life is short because I'm boozing and drinking.

No, but if I get hit by a fucking bus, that's one thing, but like you can also like this. You don't want to self-inflict the end. I don't know how to do what my mother has always said. Anytime we have discussions like this, there's always a whole group of my family. We're all together going, you should do this and more vegetables and blah, blah, blah. We have all these new, agey things. And then she just yells from the other room. And we all like, because we all know she's right.

She is right. She's absolutely right. I should be able to once a week sit down and have a nice martini and fucking once a month smoke a delicious fucking cigar. Yes. Guess what, Tom? I don't know how to fucking do that. And I have to respect that I do not have those life skills.

Yeah. Yeah. I always, I always think I, this is what a gentleman would do. He would have one martini and what's wrong with this. And halfway through that first martini, I'm like, I got to get down. The next one's going to be even better. And then it's like, then I then three in and I'm, and it's just after the race. Now I can go to sleep.

Oh, this is the level of buzz I need. I do miss some. Yeah. What if you came to my house for a martini? That would be a good plan. Like you just come, I can keep the booze because I don't scarf it down if it's in the house and you stop at my place once a month, one cigar, one martini. That's a nice way to live.

This feels like a Netflix series. We'll shoot one a month. Don't get Jon Favreau, the sort of sober guys. Yeah. Yeah. The thing about it is, um, I just don't have the confidence. Listen, if I didn't have a kid right now, I would take that. I would make that bet.

She's changed everything. Yes. Yep. So my shit was, this was my shit, dude. Yeah. My shit was everybody's in bed. I have a nice bottle of bourbon and I put on me TV and I would watch 77 Sunset Strip or Peter Gunn and I'd have like five of them and I would just sit up and just get absolutely

fucking hammered in my own house. It was awesome. It sounds great. It was fucking awesome. 77 Sunset Strip. Yeah, I love the cars and everybody on it was smoking and drinking. Yeah. It was the guy, one of the guys on 77 Sunset Strip, he was always betting the horses.

He was a degenerate gambler. They were all smoking. They're all fucking banging broads. The fucking guy, Efren Zimbalist Jr. had a new Thunderbird every season. Every season he had the new Thunderbird and then they were just fucking sucking down booze and I was just like, this, I missed, this is the time. That sounds great. You walked around, you had a suit on for no fucking reason all day long, chasing fucking

perps through bushes in an Anderson little suit. Yeah. You know? He's so perfect. What is that line? He said, hey, you got a pretty active elbow for lunchtime or something like that. Talking about this guy up. He said this fuck.

I forget how he said. An active elbow. Cause he's drinking. Yeah. Cause he was on like his 30. You know who was playing the role? The booze on. It was a guy ended up playing the professor on Gilligan's Island.

Cause that was another thing I love to do where I would look up, who's this actor? Who's this guy? Like I found like one of those episodes I watched in Peter Gunn. I found like the first African-American guy to get his SAG card. Wow. That guy's really good. Who is that guy? He's old.

Right. And he fucking crushed the part. I saw a young Gavin McLeod playing a gangster. It's amazing. Still bald. Amazing. And like 1950, he was riding. They killed this guy in the back of a 55, um, uh, Chrysler, New Yorker or the Chrysler

Imperial. I always get those two cars confused. It was a 1955 stretch. Yeah. Stretch limo for back then, which meant it was about three feet longer with a little bar in there. And they whacked this guy in the beginning. And then there was this dude playing racquetball.

He was this sinister fucking guy going, who the fuck is this guy? And I looked it up. I'm like, oh my God, it's fucking Gavin McLeod. Hey, Mayor. I love what he called it. Mayor. Hey, Mayor. He was great on Mary Tyler Moore.

Yeah. Got his own series. Oh my God. He was so great. That sounds like a dream. How many days a week would you do this? Oh, like six. Wow.

Like I just, I just became this thing that I would, I would do. Yeah. And it was every other night, then it just became every night. And then my, my growing up playing sports thing would be how I would look at the bottles. Like I can defeat that thing in three nights, a third, a third, a third. It just didn't make any sense. And then I got into like the ice cubes. Yeah.

And then there was a guy down in El Segundo who made these fucking glasses. I still have them. They're great. Where there's a giant, well, it looks like a giant ice cube in it, but it's, it's also made out of glass. It's super heavy. So then you put it in the, the refrigerator, the freezer, you get the glass all cold. And then that giant glass ice cube is actually made out of glass.

So you don't have any liquid. So it's the purple thing. If you had Pappy Van Winkle or something. Yeah. Rare cast by McCallum. Yeah. You put it in there and it would chill at 360, right? Right.

But not on the bottom, not on the top. And then you just fucking, the only thing was it was heavy as shit. The only thing they were really heavy glasses, but they were like, you know, homemade things or whatever. And I ordered those. I gave them to a couple of my, my friends who drank and they all loved them. All right. And so I had that going on.

So it was this whole little, your head's too busy. Your head is too. It's the ritual. Like I love the ritual. I love the whole fucking ritual of smoking a cigar. I know. I know. I think about you every time I smoke a cigar because you got so into just the match and

how to light it. And then, and then the reverse puff at the end when you get down the last Tony B. Show me that was the, uh, what do you call gas? You got to gas the cigar. If it starts tasting funny in the middle of it or whatever, he would do this thing where he would light a match and rather than draw in, he blows out. Yeah. And then he takes in the end of the cigar is like lit, like almost like you're trying

to light it. And then he pulls it away. And as he's blowing out, that's the oxygen that keeps the flame going. It looks like the back of the Batmobile. Right. Yeah. De-gassing it. De-gassing it.

And then you taste it. And then in your next inhale, uh, your next draw, it's, it's like clean. Yeah. It's not so dirty. Yeah. Oh, there's not the ash or whatever. Yeah. It's incredible.

I know. No, I think about it all the time, but you are very much into just even the way you describe the car or like every, you, you don't go lightly. You don't think about these things lightly. They become an obsession. I do. I got into Humphrey Bogart and I started watching all of his fucking films. I did it with Harga and Kitell.

I did it with all of them. Yeah. All the fucking great leading men, Lee Marvin, all of them. I just sat there and started watching them. So I was watching, uh, I got to show you this thing. Humphrey Bogart. It's amazing, by the way. Um, what's his face?

News flash. I was watching. Yeah. Oh, Frank Sinatra stole so much of his vibe. It was inspired. Yeah. This right here, I own this thing here. I'm a matchstick lighter, which doesn't work again.

This is from, I saw this in, uh, the Maltese Falcon. Oh, with the fat man? Yeah. So this was like, I saw him take this thing like this. And he just, see that? Oh yeah. Yeah. Like it lights and then this thing catches a little bit of a flint here on the end of

this, this lit on fire and he lit a cigarette. And so this, this sits in, in like lighter fluid. Right. And look at the whole art deco style of it. And I literally looked up and I'm like, what in the fuck is that? And then I bought one and then I found this fucking guy in the middle of Michigan who rebuilds them. And I said, and I called him up and he was like, just that kind of guy is just like,

well, what is it? He knew what year it was. Uh-huh. Absolutely. And I was telling him like the whole thing. And he built that? He rebuilt, he rebuilt the inside of it because it didn't work. Oh, so that was an original from the era.

Oh yeah. No, this is this. You can, you can buy these online. I feel like heavy that fucking thing is beautiful. So I think I just need more lighter fluid possibly in there. Yeah. It looks like at the bottoms a little. Yeah.

Little wonky. Yeah. And then I totally got into that. Then I totally got into Art Deco. And the next thing you know, I was going online and I was looking at Art Deco bars and I was going to, and I found this amazing one that was like in Czechoslovakia and I'm like, you know, and it cost only, you know, it cost four grand and 180 grand to ship it over here. I'm like, okay, I can't do that one.

There's got to be somebody out there. And I just, I just, so I do that with, with booze and cigars and shit. So I have to like really. Yeah. No. What I learned is you can't bring the devil into the house. You got to go out to meet the devil. You have the devil in the house.

You guys are going to be hanging out every fucking night. I had my, I guess he was my great uncle. He was my mother's uncle. And he would have him and his wife would get dressed and they would have cocktail hour every night and they would have, he would, he would, I think he would have a martini and she would have a Manhattan, I think. And they would both have their one cocktail. Sometimes it went further, but the two of them just with this five o'clock and they'd

get dressed up and sit with each other and have a little time. And if someone was visiting, they would be brought into the fold. Who did this? That's amazing. Amazing. Amazing. And he lived a long life and similar to you, he got into flying and he had that same obsessive kind of brain that he built his own airplane.

His own airplane that he was. That's Jeff Dunham. Jeff Dunham does that. He just worked on it forever, forever. Jeff Dunham builds his own helicopters. Jeff Dunham is a fucking genius. Really? Nobody, I saw this thing on him one time.

I've said this on a bunch of podcasts. That guy is a fucking genius. He, first of all, like having a dummy in your act. I didn't know this shit. If you buy a dummy at a store and then you make it, you know, you start selling out clubs or arenas like him, the maker of the dummy is going to be like, well, you owe us money because you're using our thing, which makes no sense because if you wear those shoes or whatever, they're not going to come.

But the dummy, because it's part of the act, they can come at you and it becomes a big fucking nightmare. So he goes, all right, I'll build my own dummies. So the guy can draw amazingly and he fucking like designs these things. Yeah. And then he has like a 3D printer that makes this thing. And then he has what it looks like. Like a kitchen safe, like a little kitchen TV, a big square thing.

He pours the mold into it. It cooks it. And then he paints the whole, that alone. Yeah. This guy has put more work into his fucking act than I have in my entire career. That's really true. Then they go, oh yeah, he's also into flying. He flies helicopter.

This is before I think I was flying helicopters or whatever. I didn't know that. And he builds his own. Like every year, like experimental aircraft. Yeah. That's a homemade one. Right. So the FAA hasn't fucking experimental means like people think that's a mean wall.

Well, this fucking thing fly out. I mean, kind of it is. Yeah. Depending on sometimes we see those people that they're basically sitting outside with the fucking, the main rotor above them. You know, and it looks like a little go cart like that, but he has like legit. Yeah. Like helicopters and like he can fly the shit out of them.

And like, yeah, he's, he is a, he's like one of those guys where you could bring up like 20 different topics. Yeah. He was round up. He knows it. I was just going to say what's crazy is I interviewed him for, I think an hour for my radio show and it never came. Like he must, he does so much that even that never came up.

If I built my own helicopter and fluid, I would never shut up about it. Yeah. I would just, I would never shut up about it. This was my mother's uncle, uncle Bob, Bob Ulrich was his name and he was just a classy dude and Anita was his wife and they just were this great couple in, you know, from the 40s on up, you know, like that, that generation and cocktail hours. And then he, during the day, he'd go off to the hanger and he'd work on that plane and build and work and took my father up in the plane and flew it around.

Dude, that guy is like, he's amazing men in the world. I know. I know. And that's like every day he'd have one cocktail, one cocktail. Yep. That's the way we should do it. I know you. I'm, I'm trying to put your obsession towards that goal because I do think that it is to

enjoy it, you know, and, but did he ever used to get fucked up? Yes. He did. Cause I always think once you open that door, no, then you, when you start back up the first two, three times, you're okay. And then you just, you start sprinting. No, he, and this is kind of fuzzy, uh, family folklore, but I believe that when they were younger, they did it, you know, whatever.

And then it got to be a bit of a problem and then was petered off. And then, but his later years again, uh, was down to just doing it as a control thing and you know, five o'clock early, so you're not hammered all night and you wake up fresh. So yeah, you know, like we all like kind of like, like let it get a little out of, out of our reach for a little bit, you know, different things, but then there's, doesn't mean you, you know, if it didn't burn the house down, right, you probably have it in you to be in somewhat control of it and enjoy your life. Just an idea.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe not right away, but maybe it's coming. Maybe like in the, in your next decade. Yeah. I think maybe when my daughter turns 21. All right. A little bit of advertising here.

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You go now and be so go now and be sure to go to simply safe dot com slash burr so they know our show sent you. That's simply safe dot com slash burr. Did you get freaked out by the helicopter thing, that it was a helicopter? I mean, I know you. Yeah, no. And there was a really high hour, I hear like 8,800 hours and he was instrument rated and he had all, and he was incredible, like, you know, I don't get too much in detail but

you know, I'm in that world so I know people that know people whatever and like that guy was like, you know, a great fucking pilot. The fact that something like that could happen, yeah, that was definitely ridiculously sobering where it was just like, you know, I don't fly on days like that. Well, those those conditions where yeah, anytime I've been as a as a guest in a helicopter, if there was any kind of fog or low visibility, they just didn't go. Yeah, well, yeah, it's called the whole thing off. Yeah, the no go, yeah, well, you're, yeah, that's it's, but people sit there, you know,

they make too much about like, you know, flying IFR and shit, which became like a mainstream little thing there for a second. Yeah. And you just want to tell people like every time you fly commercial for the most part, unless you're getting on some little puddle jumper, yeah, you're always flying that. Right. The second you go above 18,000 feet, everybody, you know, sets their altimeter to 9 or 0.9 or two and then you're all flying instrument, right, rules right there.

So it's, it's not like this big mysterious thing. Yeah. It's what it, it's like, it's just, I don't know, I'm going to get into it because I'm not going to sit here and fucking, I'll be like those assholes who watch like the Super Bowl right in second guess and blah, blah, blah. It's like, I have two and a 30 hours. What the fuck do I know? All I know is that the fact that that could happen to somebody with that much experience

was devastating. I'm not going to, it was devastating to a lot of my buddies that have way more on more hours, made them not want to do it and it just, but it was also, everybody was caught up in the emotion of it. You got to kind of step back after a couple of weeks and let the people who investigate do the thing, find out what happened and then you kind of make what you, you know, you live with whatever the fuck you're going to live with that. No, it's like, you know, I didn't, I never flew, but I rode a motorcycle for a long time

and you know, anything, any weird story or something, it, it shakes you, but you'd also come back to, well, this isn't anything new. We knew this going in the first day I put on a helmet. I knew this was a risk, right? So you, it's not like, if anything, it should be. The one that got me is I had a guy come out to my show when I was down in, uh, still one of the improv's and this guy came in, really nice guy and he said, oh, you know, I was listening to your podcast, you know, it really got me through some stuff.

I said, oh, thank you. I said, what happened? He goes, I got in a motorcycle accident and he wasn't doing anything wrong. He went through a green light and this old, older couple just went through a red light. Yeah. We weren't paying attention, crushed his leg and he had, he lost his leg and I was just like, yeah, yeah. And I was just like, fuck.

Ouch. So let me ask you this. So here's my big question. I love big questions. All right. Well, here's one for you. Why is everything that's fucking fun bad for you? Yeah.

Why can it all kill you? Why, why does fun always kill you? Because motorcycles, aviation, drinking, smoking, yeah, rich foods. Yeah. Right. And then why is everything that's not exciting, make you live forever? Brussels sprouts, greens, books, smoothies. Yeah.

Why, what is that fucking? It's like a big fucking joke. Do you realize you ever made this fucking thing if he just or she just flipped that thing? Uh-huh. Yeah. Right. I'll tell you what it is.

The fucking fun that we would be having. I know. But. Can you imagine if, yeah, I mean, it's an old hacky bit, but really it's smoking cigars and booze and, yeah, and eating fucking burgers and fries gave you a six pack. We'd all look great. No. We'd all look fucking great.

We'd all want to bang each other, which would keep the fucking human race going. Right. We'd all be happy. I know. The thing is, things that we do that take us to the edge, uh, make you feel more alive. They make, they make you feel more present. You're a risk. It makes you feel more alive.

Yeah. It makes you feel when you go up in a helicopter or if I take off 100 miles an hour on a motorcycle. Oh, that's living. Can't fuck up. Yeah. You're not, you're not thinking about, uh, anything else. No. You dialed in, everything is focused and then to a lesser degree, drinking and smoking,

you still are coming out of yourself. You're still going to an edge and those things make you feel a lot very alive and very present. But you, they're all so dangerous and you can't do them all the time. Like it, it's just the, there's, there's a price to be paid for going all the way there. You know, so it's tempting because it does make you feel alive and give you some sense of meaning, but, uh, you can't live there. That's the problem. That's why I'm saying like the mundane things that give you meaning are super important

because there, it's not the rush of going 100 miles an hour on a motorcycle and it's not, you know, the crazy night of getting drunk and doing your thing, but just sitting in the room while your daughter is playing. Yeah. That was so amazing. Do you know what happened to me the other night? It's a small mundane, not dangerous, not edgy thing, but you go to sleep at night. I really believe this.

You go to sleep at night content because there's, it's meaningful. All those other things are chasing what real meaning is, right? It's a simulation of what real meaning is. Yeah. You know what? There's might be something to that. I tell you, I came off, you know, uh, what the hell was I, I don't know, I went, I did the patrice benefit, right?

Yeah. And we came back and I literally, I took like the latest flight I could take and the first flight I could take to get back, you know, the deal, right? Yeah. Dad, right? I do it all the time. The dad flights. The dad flights.

Yep. You see us all getting on with our bad fucking jeans, hate life, getting back to the kid. So I got back and, um, I got back, you know, all the traffic and shit I got back here time. Yeah. For lunch. And my daughter was, was eating lunch and I sat down next to her. She was all excited that I was there and she was sitting there and she was, you know, drinking from her little sippy cup.

And as she was drinking, she just reached over and put her hand on my forearm and I looked down like, oh my God. And then she just smiled as she was drinking and like not knowing what she was doing. Right. Right. And like on so many levels, I was just like, oh my God, this is the greatest. I love my daughter so much. She loves me.

You know, so she's open emotionally, she's touchy feely, all this shit, I'm fixing all of this. Yeah. And it was like on, and I've thought about that like fucking, I mean, it happened like a couple, like Monday of this week, I probably thought about that at least 40 to 50 times over the last few days where I was kind of like, um, yeah, you know, and as they get older, like they have more like cognitive development, you can really like connect with them.

And you know, I was giving her a bath and she was just really looking at me talking to me and I got outside the conversation of just like, yeah, I'm like having a conversation with my daughter. This is unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that that lasts longer than doing a wheelie down a fucking yeah, I think it does last longer, but the unfortunate part is, you know, your brain, everyone's brain

and your brain in particular are very busy. So even those moments when you're like really important and you definitely get value out of it, still a lot of time in the day, still a lot of time, your brain's up and awake and it wants to go do something else. It wants to go to the edge of something else and it's, that's, it's kind of tricky. Yeah. No, I'm a fucking lunatic. Feed your brain the right stuff.

I'm a lunatic. I am. Like I have to like, I got to like really pay attention to what it is I'm doing and try to get outside of myself and look and be like, what the fuck am I doing? Because if I don't, yeah, I will go down these, these roads. I will get people in my life that I don't want in my life or people that should be in my life. I miss them.

Yeah. Because I'm between my ears as they go by. Right. So, uh, I don't know. Well, that's amazing. So you, you were able to turn all of this deep shit into fucking comedy. Yeah. That's awesome.

No, I tried. It's going to be another effortless fucking 46 minutes, just like that blowing through blowing through. Yeah. Um, all right. So you got your special. It's, it's called. You're doing great.

You're doing great on Netflix right now, and it's actually a standup special that you can watch and feel good about yourself. You're not punching down, no, you're not punching up, no, reaching out saying you're doing great. That's pretty much, that's a good way to describe it. Yeah. I love it. I want to watch it. We're going to watch it tonight.

And, uh, and also your radio show, my radio show is still going with a fortune on a serious XM fortune. I was banging out the specials this month. I love it. Yeah. And, uh, her special is great too. Really funny. She's so fucking funny.

She's so funny. It's just naturally. She's been one of my favorites. Yeah. It's the first time I saw her. Like I just, I just wish I could see her do standup more. I know. Every time I see her, she's working on a show.

Like I follow her on, on Twitter. She's working on some movie. I know. And I'm happy for her, but as a fan to stand up, I'm like, I know what her special is. She nailed it. You know, it's, I was so proud of her. Like, you know, I've only been really close with her for a short while, but I was really proud because it's not just, uh, like a good special.

It's packed with jokes. Like it's, she's just bam, bam, bam. And it's meaningful. It's got, you know, her life story and it's really good. And so, but we're doing that still four days a week on serious. Yeah. I remember way back super early. The first minute she was working on, uh, Chelsea's show.

Yeah. And I remember I used to say to her all the time, I mean, it's great. You're on that show. I'm telling you. Yeah. You, you are a star. You could, you could, you could go out and make a fortune on the fucking road, get back in the clubs.

Yeah. I know. She's like, oh, you're so nice. Well, she comes from a, she comes from an improv background, you know, like a, oh really? Yeah. Like the groundlings kind of stuff. She's a beast.

Good Lord. She can do that too. Yeah. Yeah. No, she's, well that's why I, what the hell's Lauren Michaels on this one? Good Lord. Get her in there. Right.

Good point. Really good point. Yeah. That would, if she can do all of that, good. Yeah. Whatever. Everybody gets what they're supposed to get. Yeah.

She's on a good path. She's on a good path. Uh, but I reckon you should watch her special too. It's definitely good. All right. And, um, yeah, everything's good, man. Everything's great. Everything's great.

Let's keep it on brand. Yeah. And he makes bread. And, and once again, I think that I always go over to your house for, uh, Christmas Eve. Yeah. Yeah. Your best meal. I ate like a fucking pig at that.

That was good. The food was on point this year. The sauce. Yeah. That one that wasn't the meat sauce. The other one, the marinara. Yeah. Oh my God.

It was on point. Yeah. I know. I was putting that on stuff that already had it. You seemed a little frazzled this Christmas. You seemed like you were a little, oh, I'll tell you, a little anxious because I double booked myself at Christmas parties. So Mike Price, the great Mike Price from the Simpsons, the reason why F is for family

is chugging along the way it is. He also had a fucking Christmas party and, and then I, and I told my mother-in-law was going to Christmas Eve mass. So I had to go Christmas Eve, Matt, and I was fighting off a cold. Yeah. You were sick. Right. So then I had to drop everybody, go to that, uh, the Christmas Eve mass, which I love doing.

And then, um, yeah, it's fun. Dropped everybody off your house, drove over to Mike's. Made my appearance there, sucking down emergency, and then I came all the way back and I was thinking, I'm, my whole thing was like, Tom's going to be smoking a cigar. I'm going to miss it. So I came in and I was a little, uh, yeah, I was, I was a little frazzled and then also I was spent because a few days before that I took my test for my instrument, the written test and I had been studying for three, four months on that fucking thing, which was like

filling up all my free time. And I just passed that. So I was kind of like, I was coming out of a lot of shit. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good dad on Christmas Eve vibe. I like that. Yeah. It's like in the suit.

So like, I just dealing with life, dealing with stuff and I gotta go home, put the presents together. Oh, and that was nothing. Yeah. I had to go home and wrap gifts. That's right. I had a lot of, there was a lot of shit going on. Yeah.

That's right. So today after my kids are, you know, teens now, so it's like easier, those days, those Christmases up until they were like 10 are just a firestorm, just of work and stuff and got to get it all and put it in and make it so special for her. I also liked that you, you have the train going around the Christmas tree. That's the best. That's a class act. Like that, that's like, you're supposed, I got, I got to up my, uh, that is the best

my game. I'll help you with that next year. Yeah. That too is, uh, in a total different level is, uh, Billy Gardell. Really? Yeah. He's got like, he, he went down the rabbit hole and has like whole spaces that are just for his trains all year round.

Oh, he's like that guy in the Sopranos, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to live in my first apartment when I moved out here with Nia. There was a guy across the street and every once in a while he opened the garage door and he had the train hat and he had all of this stuff and I was like smiling and he kind of looked at me like I was weird, like looking at me like, what do you think I'm a fucking weirdo? And I'm like, no, I, I admire this, I admire this.

We just live in a city with too many people, so I'm not allowed to say hello. Right. Because then it gets weird. Yes. So I'm just walking by smiling. I like that he thinks you're the weirdo. That's how he looked at me. What the fuck are you looking at?

I don't know. They're conductor who doesn't really drive a fucking train. I'm, I'm, I'm appreciating your goddamn hobby there. All right. That's the podcast everybody. Thanks Billy. No worries. Uh, you're doing great on streaming now.

On the Netflix's on the Netflix's and, uh, there'll be a little bit of music and then a bonus half hour from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right. Have a great weekend. You bastards. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 6th, 2012.

What's going on? You know what the fuck's going on, you cunts. Ah, Jesus Christ. I'm actually recording this thing an hour and maybe hour and change after the Patriots just lost to the New York Giants. Congratulations to the Giants. Um, oh my God, that game was fucking brutal, brutal game. I got myself all mentally prepared to get our asses kicked because on paper I was like

I, we just, our defense isn't going to be good enough. And that, that front four of a Donuses that they have that look like super sized linebackers and next thing you know, we come out and we're playing with them and we're fun. We just, I just, I don't know, you know, we just didn't make the fucking plays when we needed to make the plays. That's all there is to it. The Giants did everything they could to give us the game. They blew the fucking to call in two time outs.

I'm like, they're fucking up, they're unraveling. After we spotted them nine points, it was like nobody wanted to win the game for a minute. We fucking stop them. We get the goddamn ball. First play of the game. You throw a 50 yard intentional ground in your own fucking end zone. You're down two to nothing. All right, regroup, regroup.

They're driving down the field. You make a play. You cause a fumble. You fall on it. Nice. You go, ah, you got an extra guy on the field. And next thing you know, we're down nine, nothing. And guess who texts me nine to nothing, Charlie Murphy, one of the classic fair weather fans

of all time. I haven't told, I've, you know, I've known Charlie for years. I think we've had maybe three conversations about football. Patriots even played the Giants and lost during the regular season to them. Do you think he even noticed he's too busy down the dojo trying to figure out how to put his foot behind his head in case some motherfucker comes up to him and tries to steal his, uh, I don't know, the chain off his neck. He doesn't know shit about football.

He couldn't even fucking talk shit before the game. He waited till they were up nine to nothing. And he texts G men all day, Charlie, I know you can kick the shit out of me. I don't know if you're listening to that, this, but that was one of the bitchiest texts I ever got in my life. All right. So congratulations to you, Charlie, to you and your brand new Giants hat that you bought nine to nothing.

Is that when you finally committed to buying it or whatever there's always going to be guys like that on both sides. It's definitely fair weather people in Boston with your pink Red Sox hats, your cunts singing that Neil Diamond song. I hope you all fucking drown on a duck boat. Um, I don't know. We started playing. All right.

We were coming back. Everything was going good. And then we had the game. We fucking had it. Brady to Welker. I don't know what happened. We had the fucking game and we just didn't make the goddamn place and, uh, just didn't make the plays and the Giants made the play.

So they deserve it. But this one fucking hurts more than two 2000, 2007. I just felt like, look, you know, I mean, it sucked to the end of the game. But despite the fact that we lost at the end of the game, I just really felt that that was just an undeniable championship. They, you know, all those teams, they beat on the road and then they beat the undefeated Patriots. I just, you know, I always felt it was a shame the Patriots were undefeated because I never

thought the Giants got credit because it didn't, it wasn't the Giants one. It was the Patriots lost. Like that was the fucking story. Um, but this one hurts fucking, but if you were true sports fan, you saw what happened. All right. But this one, this one was brutal because we, we, we fucking, we had it. And I just felt like we, we, we just blew it. We fucking blew it.

And I know it sounds like I'm taking away from the Giants. I'm not because that fucking pass that pass Eli made, I mean, even if there was nobody in front of them to make that fucking pass down along the sideline, um, single coverage is an amazing through. He threw in the double coverage with somebody right in his face. He had an alligator arm and he still put it right in there. It was one of the greatest passes I've ever seen in my fucking life. That just makes the place and the only silver lining that I can take from all this is he

has more rings than his brother. So there you go. Colt fans. Now what do you got to say with your fucking Brady, Peyton Manning arguments? You know, at least Tom Brady has more rings than his brother. Oh fuck. I'm really looking for an angle to try and talk shit. I can't.

That's not what I do. I take my fucking lumps. The Giants deserve it. They're just a great fucking organization and they got four Super Bowls and that immediately moves them. Um, they were sort of middle upper as far as historical football franchises. Now they got four. All right.

So you got Steelers got six 49ers and Cowboys got five and then they're tied with four with Green Bay. So they're up there with the Steelers, the Packers, the 49ers and the Cowboys, man. That's great company. So you guys should be proud, man. I was fucking. Oh God. I can't believe we got to do this fucking podcast.

I just keep it just. I can't even explain it. I felt like I had an ice cream in my hand and I'll probably put it in my mouth and somebody knocked the fuck. I'm letting him stand here with an empty cone. Oh God, that was a fucking brutal one. That was a brutal, brutal fucking loss. They just fucking blew it and you blew it.

Whatever, you know, what am I going to do? It's not like, you know, I'm sure nobody in Cleveland has any fucking sympathy for me. All right. So anyways, you probably asked yourself, well, gee, Bill, you know, you're on a plane tomorrow where the fuck you going? Oh, by the way, I'm not making fun of Madonna for being in the in the halftime show because I didn't even fucking watch it. All right.

I really think that Madonna helped the Giants fucking win this now. She didn't. But I'm going to lie to you if I wasn't freaking out during that bullshit, you know, we were down nine to nothing. We come back, scored like fucking whatever, how many unanswered, we score 10 to nine. It was 10 to nine at halftime and I'm thinking, all right, we got it. We got the momentum. We're getting the ball back.

Let's go in for a quick halftime. Turn around everywhere is fucking heartache, I'm voking with gay guys for fucking a goddamn half an hour. Now let me ask you this. Who is whose advantage is that? It's a fucking team that's reeling. It's a team that needs to take a knee. Anytime Fergie goes out there and shows her fucking ass for an extra half an hour.

I want to know this fellow football fans, how the fuck did we go from Bart Starr and Vince Lombardi to that horse shit? All right, Jesus fucking Christ with the goddamn two hour halftime fucking show. I mean, it's a bullshit theory because we got the ball and then drove down and scored a touchdown, but it just was, it's just, I don't know, you know, what, why can't they just be happy making billions? Do they have to make billions and billion billions? Do they have to whore out the fucking sport to that level that every goddamn year you

got to bring some fucking over the hill rock star to come out there, right? I'd rather watch an old timer's game. You know, I didn't, I didn't watch a second and what did she do? I heard some of the music. You know, it's a fucking football game. It's the championship game. Does anybody else have that? Does anybody else have voguing in the middle of it?

Don't do something, something, something, something, something, vogue, vogue, vogue, you know, and when they all doing their fierce faces dressed like they're in avatar, you know, like they're going to get fucked in the ass on avatar. Oh, he's a bit of sports fan today, people, you know, I'm going to try and blame Madonna for the loss. No, no, either way, I would have made fun of that shit. All right, Bruce Springsteen sliding around on his knees, Prince coming out there with his stupid purple high heel boots.

All right, we got it. You like to lick your lips, okay, with your little fucking and his little hairdo, you know, coming out there and his little fucking jammy jams to go sing a fucking song with this curly Q guitar at a fucking football game. All right, go down to Guitar Center and teach somebody how to do a fucking, I don't know, play a goddamn G chord, get the fuck off the field. You know, if I was NFL commissioner, this is what I would do. That was one of the first things I would do is I would get rid of that ridiculous halftime

fucking show. All right, I douche that. I would actually be ousted by all the owners, all the things that I wouldn't want to do. I would do that. And there was something else I wanted to do, but I already fucking forgot it. My brain just goes in a straight line. It was right there. I had the idea and I just blew by it to go right to the Madonna shit.

And I can't remember. Now it's in the dust. The fuck was it? Oh, I know what I would do. I would undo that rule that the Colts made, that the Colts pushed through that. So now everybody throws for 5,000 fucking yards. I would allow cornerbacks to cover, you know, to cover receivers. You know, Pager's got away with one.

I don't think they were both bad calls. But one of them was, uh, yeesh, you know, nothing. Yeah, we got, I mean, both those calls could have been passed interference. And we got away with them, you know, we just fucking didn't take advantage of the shit, you know, calls were going our way. Oh, Jesus. Anyways, I was actually standing out on the balcony drinking a fucking beer going, I think they're going to win.

I got a good feeling, you know, they can come out, they score a fucking touchdown. Every time I poked my head in, you know, she was sitting there like a virgin who got fucked 90 years ago, whatever the fuck she was singing, everybody was all dressed in this stupid, whatever, you know, some, I don't give a fuck if you think this podcast sucks. You, you, you wipe your fucking team, lose the Super Bowl, have your fucking ripped out, and then you go talk for an hour in the goddamn podcast. All right, you know what?

I need a break here. Let's, let's, let's get into the advertising for this week. Okay, people as, as I always mentioned, as I always mentioned, all right, if you're going to buy something on Amazon.com, if you're just sitting there laying around going, you know what I think will fill the void. If I go to Amazon.com and I go buy myself a belly button ring, you know, why don't you make a little detour? Go to billbird.com first click on the podcast page and on the right hand side,

right next to the iTunes little box there, whatever you call it. Banner is the Amazon.com. You click on there and that's all you need to do. Just go to Amazon.com through my podcast page on billbird.com. Okay, they'll give me a little kickback for driving you there. It doesn't cost you any extra money to buy your little, your little cock ring, whatever the fuck you want to do. Okay, your little nose ring, whatever you kids are doing.

All right, your little DJ one and two thing you want to buy. And I'm not saying you got to buy it. Don't get defensive with me. You don't have to buy it. Don't buy it. I don't give a shit, but if you're going to buy it on Amazon.com, just go through my website. They'll give me a little kickback and then I take 10% of that and I send it

onto the Wounded Warriors project. All right. If you got a problem with that, you're not an American. What do you think about that? And I think that I kick you right out of the fucking country. How'd you like that? How was that for a nice advertising read after my team lost to Superbowl? I thought that was pretty good.

I think I only said fuck twice. Um, and the, uh, the other thing is, uh, stamps.com, stamps.com. I've actually been using this product, you know, kind of like if Tom Brady was talking about Uggs, Tom Brady said Uggs are the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn in my life. You know, you'd, you'd have, by the way, what was that Tom Brady photo shoot? Who was the non football person that they brought in for the photo shoots this year? You know, they had the offensive lineman doing that 1960s football card pose.

Even the Eli one where he brought the thing back, you could see in his eyes like, what am I doing here? I usually just stand here and you take my picture. And then, uh, I don't know, Tom Brady, he went for it. I think he's been hanging out with Giselle a little too long. He did a whole photo shoot thing. Hey, I'm, I'm doing the pouty face with my fist on my chin. And now I'm doing what looks like I'm jerking off.

And, uh, then I don't know what he did. He did the Charleston. I don't know what he did. That was, it's the Super Bowl. We need it to be super. Let's do some photo shoots. Let's bring in Madonna. Somebody makes some dip.

Do you know why it's, it's like the Super Bowl really is like, uh, you know, those bug lights to attract mosquitoes. It, that the Super Bowl is just for non sports fan douchebags. It really is. It's because it's the only sport where it's all, you know, one game, all, all the marbles, that's it. Okay. You play for an NBA championship.

It's best four out of seven MLB, best four out of seven Stanley cup, best four out of seven. Okay. So you gotta be a real fan to stick it out for at least four or five fucking games. You know, Super Bowl, all you got to do is just show up and everybody shuts up during the fucking commercials and then they, they, they run their goddamn mouth, but I went to actually went to a good Super Bowl party. But anyways, that's, that's not what I'm here to talk about people.

Okay. Better team one. I'm going to put it in the past and I am not going to discuss it at all during this next advertising read. All right, Bill, game face on game face. All right. Make the place unlike your team. Okay.

Make the fucking play here. All right. Stamps.com everybody. I've actually been using this product. Um, I gotta tell you something. It's awesome, man. I don't have to go to the post office anymore. They mailed me a little scale, you know, they did everything, but say, give me that

little visor hat that you're supposed to wear like Mr. McFeely used to have. What was it? Les Nessman. I don't know, but basically what you can do in your own damn house with the computer and your printers, you can buy and print official US postage. All right. You use your own computer and your printer.

It's quick. It's easy and getting started took me, uh, well, it should only take you five minutes, but if you're more unlike me, it takes you about seven. I'm not going to lie to you. All right. So they got a special offer going on. Um, if you, if you go to stamps.com, just enter my last name, burr, B U R R. Uh, you get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale

and 55 bucks worth of free postage for a limited time only. All right. It's always a limited time only cause we're trying to get you to what act now. This is advertising 101 limited time only. You get a $110 bonus offer. You get a digital scale and $55 in stamps. Okay. They doing that over at Best Buy.

I don't think they are. It's for a limited time only. Okay. So don't wait exclamation point. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage. That's crucial. And you type in burr, B U R R.

All right, stamps.com, B U R R. And, uh, actually mailed out my DVDs using it. I didn't have to go down to the post office and stand, you know, in line behind some old lady with dementia, trying to mail a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to some guy who was in the Benny Goodman band who died in 1978. I didn't have to do that. I did it in my, my goddamn underwear. I mailed out my DVDs for this week.

Okay. Oh, you know what's funny after the Super Bowl, but I just have to talk about after the Super Bowl party. Okay. When your team loses, all right, this is what you do. You just, you don't watch ESPN, you know, I answer the phone because I, I, because I, you know, I love my friends when they break my balls. Okay.

I take the shit. All right. Anthony, Anthony Kumiya called me up that gun nut. Okay. That, uh, that, that little, that little warm mongerer out there in the cul-de-sac who just never grew out of playing cowboys and Indians. You know, he never grew out of that or having a goatee. You know, he just, that man loves the past.

All right. He calls me up out of nowhere. You know, asking me stuff. He doesn't even know anything about the game. Doesn't know anything about sports. And I was like, Anthony, you dego bastard. What the fuck are you calling me for? But I love them.

So I took the call. And he painstakingly made me go through the details of the, of a game. He didn't even give a shit about, you know, you know, it's funny is he sounded like he was in a bar and he was actually in his own goddamn house. I'm telling you, I don't know why they keep doing stories on Hugh Hefner. They really, they, they got to start talking about Anthony. He is the East coast Hugh Hefner. You know,

you know, whatever. So anyway, so I'm driving home and I'm trying to avoid hearing anything about the game and thinking, all right, I'm in Los Angeles. You know, they don't even have a football team. I'll, you know, I'll listen to the top 40 station. So I'm listening to this awful top 40 stuff. And even then I figured I was going to get away. I didn't have to listen to it.

Oh, I bet he was a guy that beats the New England Patriots. Stop right here. I don't know. He looked okay, but I didn't have to listen to any of that. I've listened to this top 40 horseshit, you know, classic hits or something. The guy's like, coming up next, we got a minute work. Speaking of minute work, the Giants were a minute work today. When I beat the bakery, I was like, ah, you fucking cunt.

Can't get away. I can't get away from it. So tomorrow I got to go to the airport. All right. I got to go to the goddamn airport. I know it's going to be on the cover of all that fucking thing, but I don't know. I got to admit, I actually like the Giants and I like Eli. I do.

I just like the style of football that they play. And I wish we would draft defensive fucking linemen that look like the guy. I got to tell you something. That kid there, uh, whose dad was in the crowd and they told that whole story about how his grandfather was blind and he built half the town, you know, and everything was where it was supposed to be, whatever, whatever, the fucking story they were telling. That play where we were right down on the goal line, even though we scored

where they handed it to Ben Javis, Green Ellis, right? How the fuck he was able to tackle that guy for a law is one of the most amazing plays I've ever seen. That's like some Lawrence Taylor shift, but he's doing it as a defensive tackle. It was frightening. Um, you know, it's funny, it was actually watching a game with one of the Patriots fans who was like one of those guys who cheers when the other team gets injured and even all the other Pat's fans were like, come on, man,

really, you're going to bring that karma onto us. So, um, I don't know. What are you going to do? Uh, oh, here's two things, man. Here's two things that I want to give you guys the heads up on. Um, fans of Patrice O'Neill, uh, Rolling Stone wrote a great article about him, a four page article, not some little blurb. This is a four page article and you know, it's got all the big guys out there.

You know, Chris Rock, Louis CK, everybody talking about, you know, just how unbelievable a comedian he was. And I'm going to tell you right now, you know that you are the best of the best when guys like that go out of their way to mention it and Rolling Stone is going to write four pages, you know, honoring you and, you know, at the level that he, that he was at, you know what I'm saying? It's like, you know, if somebody on, on, uh, you know, nurse Jackie died or something, you know, because you're on nurse Jackie, that was literally

four pages because of what he did as a standup comedian. No bullshit. No, oh, this is this guy from this movie. He's the guy from the fucking trucks that turn into robots movie. Let's give this guy a piece. That was just straight up. This guy was such a beast. You know, we're going to give up four pages.

So I'm really happy that they did that. You know, so definitely check that out. And, you know, Patrice O'Neill CD, Mr. P is coming out this week. I can't remember if it was February 5th or the 7th, but please download it off of iTunes. If you do anything, all right, please download it this week because all that money is going to go to his, uh, to his family, you know, his wife, his stepdaughter and his mom.

And it would really mean a lot to me if you guys could download that. And, you know, what's the great thing about it is I'm telling you to download the material of the best comic I ever saw. All right, there. I said it. That guy was, was the best. So please, please, please, please, please download Mr. P off iTunes. All right.

And that's it. Okay. Now back to the damn podcast here. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why this, this always fucking happens to me. I got to start doing like the fucking Thursday morning podcast. That's what I got to start doing. So I can tape them on Wednesdays.

So it seems like I would have to deal with some crushing fucking defeat that time when the jets beat the Patriots in the playoff game. That was a Sunday night. I was in fucking, uh, what the hell was I? I was in Atlantic city. Then I had to go up in front of jets fans. It gives a fuck. I do, obviously.

You know what? What am I going to do? What was Tom Brady going to buy me a corned beef sandwich? If you fucking want it. What was with that photo shoot? Who the fuck cleared that? Jesus. All right.

Let's, let's get on with the podcast here. Um, then I don't know if this is true or anything. Somebody sent me this thing. Don Cornelius, um, the founder of Soul Train, the successful show. Soul Train, the legendary show successful, uh, plays D with insurance money. I don't know, you know, this guy was big enough. Maybe you guys, some people didn't know Don Cornelius. Unfortunately it looks like he committed suicide 75 years of age.

Um, he was the host of, uh, Soul Train. Uh, why am I trying to talk about Soul Train? You guys know I didn't watch that shit. Um, he's a legend. That was outside my wheelhouse, but I totally respect the guy. So anyways, the guy allegedly killed himself. So according to humor mill dot com, and I got to tell you something, you know, what I think of, uh, you know, quality reporting. I think of humor mill dot com.

Who the fuck is humor mill dot com? Does that even sound legitimate? Here's what they're reporting. Uh, we hear according to reliable sources that Don was having a very bad day. Don was having a very bad bout with cancer. And while this was going on, he was in a bitter dispute with his wife over the insurance money that would be delegated to her upon his death from the deadly disease. Our sources state that Don wanted the money to be given to his son, Tony, Tony. But because of his marriage and his failing health, the insurance was to be given to his wife.

Does that make any sense because there's marriage and his failing health? What does his failing health have to do with who gets the insurance money? See, this, none of this makes sense. I'll read it anyways. Don made the decision to take his own life since the, his doctor stated he had only weeks to live. Don probably suspected that life insurance doesn't pay anything. Um, if someone commits suicide, but California is different. If you had the policy for more than two years, the policy pays for a suicide. And Don's policy was more than two years old.

Um, Jesus Christ, California really takes the no fault state, you know, to a whole not a level. You know, you get married out here, your wife goes this cross the street and goes, hey, honey, with like a dick in her mouth, you know, and there's, it's not her fault. Even suicide, isn't your fault? Dude, you want to talk about a story that's just built on sand? Don probably suspect, go fuck yourself. Why did I even read that? What a shit thing to do to a legend. I apologize. Let's move on. Stake in a blowjob day. Bill, I'm only 15 minutes into the latest podcast and I feel that I must inform you that there is a Valentine's Day for men.

It's called Stake in a Blowjob Day. Is it really, does Hallmark make cards for that? It's celebrated March 14th, one month after Valentine's Day. It's simple. The ladies show their man appreciation by cooking a mistake and giving him a blowjob. I remember this movement gaining some momentum with people my age, 23, a while back, but then I haven't heard anything about it in years. Yeah, it's amazing. You know, I've been watching the news lately and I've seen plenty of stuff, plenty of stuff on Valentine's Day. I haven't really heard them coming up next.

Does everybody got their shopping ready? The women, I'm standing out here live in front of the grocery store. There's a pandemonium. Women are trying to buy steaks. You know, they got the blowjob thing down, but they need that meat. Is everything that you guys are sending me horseshit this week? A few years ago, I remember seeing people posting about it on Facebook on March 14, including girls saying that they would be participating. This movement needs a second push of momentum.

It needs a celebrity endorsement. It needs Bill Burr. I thought you needed a celebrity. What level of show business am I in? Okay, I feel like I'm slowly getting to a VJ level. Am I like a famous as a VJ maybe? No, am I more recognizable than the Jack in the box guys voice? Anyways, I know you could explain and defend this holiday from haters.

I'm pretty sure it started in your own hometown of Boston too. Promote steak and a blowjob day on the podcast and be a part of history. Dude, I don't know how to promote this. I can give you some advice. First thing you need to do is you need to come up with a euphemism for blowjob. Because if it's steak and a blowjob day, you're really limiting the amount of people that you can reach out to. It's like you kind of go in like death metal there. Hallmark isn't going to make cutesy little cards with dicks on them and a fucking steak grilling in the background.

I don't know how the fuck you would do that. I don't know. I don't know. My fucking team lost to Super Bowl. I can't even make steak and a blowjob day funny. What the fuck do you want from me? I'm playing hard on this one. Okay?

Oh my god. It's not that they lost. It's that they fucking blew it. They had it. They fucking had it. Just fucking catch the goddamn ball. Keep going down the field. Kick a little fucking field goal.

Give it back to them. They've blown their two fuck two out of three timeouts. Steak and a blowjob day. You know what? I'm so old. How about fuck off day? That's what I would like. Fuck off.

Just 24 hours. Just fuck off. No. For 24 hours. I don't want to be in another room just getting comfortable in here. Honey? Honey, could you open this? I mean, I can't make it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweetie, you remember we were supposed to go to the fucking cottage cheese confere there? Just 24 hours of not that. 24 hours of, I just don't want at any point to be like, are you done watching the TV? Because I wanted to watch my shows, though. I wanted to watch. I wanted to watch my shows. Can I watch my shows?

Hey, honey, fuck off. Don't be mean to me. It's fuck off day. Fuck off means it means fuck off for 24 hours. Okay. You know what's funny is they couldn't do it. They couldn't do it. They would say, you got the sun is down.

The day's over. God. It's really the whole. Yes, it's a whole day. Fuck off. You literally have to leave your house for fuck off day. Do you realize that just how fucking I'm such a maniac. Do you know today I was driving into the supermarket and I was getting some blue moon for the Super Bowl that my team lost.

Damn it. And this is the latest people that I just fantasized blowing the brains right out of the back of their fucking skulls. Those fucking douchebags, they see you sitting in your fucking car waiting for the spot. And they get everything in the car real quick. And then when they get in the fucking car, they're just sitting there. What the fuck are you doing? That's one girl just looking at me, you know. She was older like in like really early 60s and she was still trying to look hot.

When these Eastern European, I must break you fucking looks on her face. You know, I immediately thought she was involved in illegal activity. Does that make me racist or does it make me self hating because they're considered white people in this country. Eastern European people all look fucking shady to me. They all look fucking shady that they've either been in a gulag or sent somebody to the fuck. They're doing something. They got some sort of black market shit going on. They're just shady looking people, you know.

I don't like them. I'm telling you right now, I don't trust them. There you go. That's my people. That's straight across the board. I don't fucking trust them. All right. My grandmother doesn't trust the Japanese because of Pearl Harbor.

I don't trust the fucking Eastern Europeans because of the Cold War. My whole life, I was told that they were going to fucking blow me up. I don't trust them. Jesus Christ, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Stealing fruit. Hey, let's read this. Let's read this, shall we? Charlie Murphy right now is probably ordering sports illustrated and getting that little cheap ass football, you know.

Dancing around trying to act like he, you know, looking up football words. Stealing fruit. Hey Bill, I've heard your views on the automated checkout machines and it got me thinking. While I was grocery shopping, I was looking at the price of organic tomatoes versus, you know what? I was just thinking about the time I walked out of the Super Bowl and we lost to the Packers how much that hurt. And I wasn't even thinking about what the fuck I was just reading. Let me start over again. Hey Bill, I heard your views on automated checkout machines and it got me thinking.

While I was grocery shopping, I was looking at the price of organic tomatoes versus regular tomatoes and the price was triple. Moments after, I had what alcoholics call a moment of clarity. I'm going to shice the fuck out of this grocery store. Oh, I love it. I totally advocate this move. I love the direction you're going in. That's right. Make it work for you, sir.

I loaded up on every expensive fruit and vegetable I could find, everything organic, the weird exotic fruit you never buy because it's $10 a pound, all of it. I even went to the make your own salad bar by the pound. It made a vicious salad that made it hard to snap the plastic clothes because I emptied all the chicken breast and artichokes in it. I went, oh, that I skimp on. Oh, that I usually skimp on because it makes it. Oh, who's this? A New York sports fan? Oh God, this is my brother.

He was at the game. I got to take this. Hold on. All right, I'm back. Sorry about that. So anyways, where the hell was I? This guy shiced in the supermarkets. He goes, I usually skimp on the chicken breast because it's the heaviest and now he's loading up.

Let's see where the hell this is going to go. I went to the automated checkout machine. You don't have the produce code. It asks you to look it up yourself. I entered everything wrong. For some reason, I thought asparagus was parsley and the rest of the shit was potatoes. I weighed everything and placed it in the bag. My voice is all cracking from screaming in the bag.

Even the salad bar box somehow got entered as iceberg lettuce. It weighed it and told me to put it in the bag. I had my best foreign accent on deck just in case they caught on and tried to bust me. I was going to play it off and pretend I couldn't even speak English, let alone read it. I paid and I left the store with 80 bucks worth of produce for only $6.17. I fucking love this guy. Ever since that day, I've been eating gourmet salads and organic vegetables like a face. Fuck them.

Like you said, I don't work here. It's not my job to know what the fuck the difference between a Roma tomato and an organic tomato is. If you want the shit done right, don't depend on broke college students to be a produce expert. There you go. Good for you, sir. God damn it. I almost wish I didn't read that. Because somebody who makes those machines, they'll figure it out eventually.

But they haven't figured it out yet, people. All right? We're in a recession. If you want to eat healthy, this guy just gave you the keys. Well, why can't you do that with everything? Why don't you go buy yourself a big T-bone steak for fucking blowjob and steak day? Right? You know, just entering in is like fucking Cheerios.

It'd be great. You can eat like Donald Trump and just fucking, yeah, just... Wow, that's fucking amazing. I think I like those automated machines now. No, I don't have that in me. I advocate stealing from people like that, but I'm just... I'm not one of those guys. I don't know.

My karma is too fucking strong. Whenever I do shit like that, whenever I do shit like that, I always get fucking... It's like something happens. I get away with it and then I drop my cell phone in the fucking toilet. I just don't have that in me, you know? Believe me, I want to do it. I am a piece of shit. I am a dirtbag.

You know what, Bill? Maybe you're just not good at stealing. Anyways, advice. Hey, Bill, love the podcast. I'm going to make this quick. Let's see how long this is. This isn't fucking quick. Look at all this shit I have to read.

I'm going to make this quick. Okay, dated abroad for six years, got engaged too much later. She says she's not ready. Dump her. It's over, dude. She said we lived together... We lived together at the time, less than a week later. Her new 40-year-old boyfriend slash co-worker, my ex is 28 as am I,

is sitting in the front of my house in the driver's seat of her car. I basically told her to get the fuck out. She agreed that lowly cunt. Wow, she dumped you for a 40-year-old guy? Does he make money? Why would she do that? Christ, this guy's fucking pubes are going to look like Jay Leno's head within fucking eight years.

Why would she do that? Fast forward a year and things couldn't get better for me. Great job, awesome roommate, and most of all, no daily drama, due to the fact that we have many mutual friends. I've missed certain events because... I have missed certain events because she was going. This is no problem, as I have plenty of other shit to do. Just sucks knowing that she is more likely prying herself into my friend's heads

and filling them with bullshit. I know how her brain works, which means she's probably painting this of how she wishes her, and I could be friends to my close people. This is complete bullshit, and she hasn't made an effort to contact me once. Well, has she done this, or are you just inventing this in your head? She even goes as far according to... Oh, I guess okay. According to close friends, as to bring up a fatal jet-skiing accident

I was involved in last July and how worried she was. Again, not a single call or a text. Well, dude, what happened with the jet-ski? This is more compelling than this fucking petty cunt that you're talking about. How the fuck can you bring up... Dude, this thing went from some office bullshit to a goddamn Schwarzenegger movie and now we're back in the office again? Again, not a single call or a text.

Honestly, I want nothing to do with the whore, so whatever. She actually reminds me of that girl, the self-loathing, narcissistic one that sucks all the air out of the room, that Nia chimed in about on a podcast earlier, 7-11-11, I believe. Whenever I'm out with friends in a filthy... What the fuck is that word? Gangrenous VAD shows up? Gangrenous? Did you invent a word? It's not underlined in red.

I've never seen that word. I respectfully say my goodbyes and leave. I rebonded with a cute server for a few months and lately haven't seen or heard much from her. The ex is aware that we have been hooking up and come to find out somehow managed to lure her 21-year-old impressionable mind in two. Tonight, for example, they walk into a bar with a few other folks

and I watch my ex fiancee prompt her to come say hi as if to let me know they've been hanging out. Dude, why don't you get out of this girl's world? What, are you living in a one-horse town? There's one little saloon, one fucking Applebee's? Anyways, he goes up above all of it and had the foresight to realize such things were possible as she's a narcissistic, manipulative cunt.

Bottom line, my best friend is getting married in a couple of months. I'm a groom's man and the ex is in the bridal party. Jesus, need some advice as how to handle it. What are you o'er? Go to the fucking wedding. Have a good time. Take your dick out and go on the dance floor. Just try to fuck one of her friends. I don't know.

Do whatever you want to do. Just have a good time. Have a good fucking time. This girl is obviously miserable. Who fucking trades in a fucking 28-year-old stud for some 40-year-old guy? Yeah, she fucked up. Dude, you're holding all the cards.

You're still in the prime of your fucking life. Just go there and have a good time. Have some drinks. Let her walk around the room and tell everybody what an asshole you are and then just be a good shit. And then they're gonna be like, you know, she'll just be that crazy person

following you around. I would, you know, if she walks up to you, don't look her in the eye. Look at her hands. Just in case she fucking is annoyed that everybody still likes you when she decides to do a glen close. I don't understand your problem, sir.

I think you should just fucking live your life and, uh, stop going to shit that she's gonna be at. You can't find another bar to drink at. You know what you do? Next time you see her, just be like, hey, you put your arms out, you're gonna hug her and just boot her right in the box.

Just take the fucking misdemeanor. That's a misdemeanor, isn't it? It's below the waist. You know? Above the waist, I think it's a soap. I believe, you know, I believe that it's a, is it misdemeanor, right? Kick her in the box

or go to a bar she's not at. You need this decision type. Number two. I'm a 20-year-old college student who works at a grocery store, so I haven't got laid in a few months and jerking off to online porn is getting more and more degrading

and uninteresting. Dude, I can't even focus on these things. I can't even focus on games. But recently a chicken work has been coming on to me. And we've been texting really sexual shit. Well, congratulations, sir. You'll never be able to run for president.

And I'm pretty confident I could bang her even though she has a boyfriend. Oh, Jesus. You know what's just thinking about that? Is how you know they're saving all this shit. All this fucking lurid shit that we're looking at on the internet, all our text messages.

When I'm an old fucking, I'm in my 60s. And these young whippersnappers from this generation are running for president. That's what's going to be coming up. You know? Is it true that in 19...

Fuck it. No, that's too far back. Is it true in 2009 you texted to one of your fucking co-workers that you wanted to stick your tongue up her ass? Is this the kind of person we want to run in the country? It's going to be all that shit.

Why did you jerk off to a woman gets groped on subway in February of 2008? I don't recall. I let my roommate use my computer.

I watched it, but did not touch myself. That'll be the... I smoked it, but didn't inhale wine in 20 years. Was that choppy enough for you guys? Did you even hear the joke and my choppy fucking... my team just lost the Super Bowl fucking delivery?

Anyways. She says, but fuck, isn't it her responsibility not to cheat if she's putting it out there like that? And I think it's my duty as a man to fuck her. I don't even know what you're talking about, sir. I have no fucking idea. My team lost the Super Bowl.

Let me go back here. 20-year-old college student. I'm in the bookstore. I'm late. I'm jerking off the porn. The chick's been coming on to me. She has a boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, fuck her. But any luck, she'll get caught and that guy won't knock her up and marry her.

Um... Anyways. He says, and if her boyfriend finds out, hey, he can dump her and know that she's a cheating bitch. There you go. And I would be done with her forever. Sort of. Okay, maybe not. But even though it's morally wrong to have sex with someone who has a boyfriend, we are 20-years-old

and it's not like she's married or anything, and she's basically waving a steak in front of a hungry dog. What should I do? Fuck her in the cereal, Al. Do it. Who gives a shit? You're 20-years-old. That's what you're supposed to be doing. Wear a condom.

All right? Bender over that little caution floor has just been mop-signed. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Push your head right into the mop bucket and let her have it. Fuck it.

Who gives a shit? My fucking team lost the Super Bowl. I don't give a fuck about her boyfriend's feelings. Next one. Hey, Bill, I'm a 21-year-old college student going to Washington State University. Homa Drew Bledsoe! Uh, this has been my first year away from home,

and it's been an adventure to say the least. My 21... 21st birthday was the first time I drank and I've been hanging out with girls for the first flipping time in my life. God bless you, sir, for keeping your innocence that long that you didn't have any booze till you were 21.

You're finally hanging out with girls and you still don't say fuck. You say flippin'. For the first flippin' time in my life, I love this guy. I've always been incredibly nervous around women. Um, and I have no game at all. Well, the first thing you do

is stop saying flippin'. You don't even say flippin', you say flippin'. For the first flippin' time in my life... Actually, you know what, dude? Why don't you stay? Just be a nice guy. Alright, don't go down the road, I went. Okay, there's a price you pay. You become a miserable cunt like me.

Um... Anyways, the one accomplishment that I have under my belt is moving into an apartment with two beautiful girls this semester. Fuckin' Jack Tripper. Um, one of which has been the girl I had a crush on since I was 12 years old.

Embarrassing, I know. She has a boyfriend and I've pretty much accepted the fact that he's a nice guy. I'm just glad that I get to hang out with her. God, I sound like a douche. Alright, dude, I swear to God. If you go into your bedroom

while she's in the living room and you jerk off to her, alright? That's a level of loneliness that you do not want to experience. I really hope that you haven't done it yet. Please don't do that. Anyways, he says, I'm sick and tired of being

this incredibly nervous 21-year-old virgin virgin who's living in babe country. God. Every time I see a hottie, I can't help but think I will never be able to get her. Well, not with that fucking attitude.

Your whole fucking... Listen, you gotta get yourself out of right field. That's what you are right now. You're that kid. Am I really required to stick this kid in for three innings? Stick him out right field. You're batten ninth.

Please, for the love of God, Bill, give me some advice. Alright. This is the last one of these trying to help the 21-year-old virgin, guys. I'm fucking doing it, okay? I give advice about this every fucking week. How about something else? Can we get out of the wheelhouse

of fucking relationships here? I don't know what to tell you, dude. Alright? Start talking to women. This is the first thing you want to do. Don't try and fuck anybody you're living with. Fuck all of that.

Alright? You want to get that girl? Go out and fucking start banging a bunch of other women and come home. And then all of a sudden you're going to seem like you're mysterious. When you're 21-years-old and you're banging a bunch of women, look at you like you're like a spy

or something. Like you're James Bond. You do it at my age and you're just a fucking pig. Alright? That's what you need to do. You need to go out and get hammered. You need to go out. You got to get in the mix. You got to go out and do some shit. You got to create some sort of vibe. Alright? You can't just be like,

Hi! How you doing, Sherry? I'm going to be in my room. You know, and then just fucking sitting there jerking off in there. You got to get out of there. Alright? You need a little bit of swagger. Fuck that bitch that you've liked for nine years for almost half your fucking life.

Fuck her. It's not going to happen. Okay? It's over. She's sucking someone else's dick. Someone else's flipping dick, sir. That's what you need to do. You need to go out. You need to get a little fucking. You got to get a little mud on your uniform. You know what I mean?

You got to win a couple of games. You need a little bit of swagger. And then one day you're going to walk in there and you're going to catch her in the right move. Alright? And you're going to undo her fucking sweat pants. And you're going to bent her over that poor excuse for a fucking sofa. And you're going to show her who's what.

Alright? And then when a boyfriend shows up, you're both not going to say anything. And you're going to get on with your life. You're going to go in there and you're going to make yourself some popcorn. That's what the fuck you want to do. Sir, I have no advice for you. I don't know what to tell you. 21 is great.

You're like a 21 year old version. You're like one of those Star Wars action figures that's still in the package. You're worth a lot of money. There's two routes you can go here. You can fuck. You can fucking

You can stay this route. Join the church choir. Pray to God you don't get molested by some closet fucking psycho. Right? And then meet some nice girl who plays the keyboards. Keep in mind that Jesus Christ

has died for all that has risen from the dead. Um You can hook up with her. You know. Peel off her 20 levels of clothes.

Or you can just go zero to 100 and just go find some dirty skank. You don't want to do that too. You don't. You know what you need to do? You need to work it out yourself. The last thing you need to do is listen to some fucking piece of shit.

Dirtbag. Never been married. No fucking kids sliding into fucking 50 years of age. You don't need to listen to me. What you need to do is you need to stick with what you're doing. At this point I'm sure you're fucking Eagle Scout. I bet you can start a fire without matches.

And you know. You probably got a sweater. You know dark colored socks. I don't know what to tell you dude. What you're doing is actually commendable. That you're that fucking untainted.

And look at you. You're sitting here. You're fucking saying you got a crush on this girl. What do you do? And what do I do? I send you down this piece of shit road. I think you need to listen to another podcast sir. I bet that Joel Olstein could tell you what to do.

You know Jesus, Jesus wants you to get that pussy. Do you realize Joel Olstein his fucking church is where the Houston Rockets used to play? Mega church. Mega church. This Sunday. Mega church. Jesus Christ never looks

so good. Right? Jesus comes in fucking shredded wearing a male thong. You know? What the fuck that means? Do they make a male thong? Overrated, underrated for the fucking week.

Oh, I'm playing to hurt this week. 51 minutes. That's not bad. All right, the end of you cunts think you could be even remotely this amusing after your team just fucking blew the goddamn Super Bowl. Overrated, underrated for the week.

All right, what is this one? Underrated, unemployment. It may suck to lose a job you love, but when you get canned from a soul-crushing mind-numbing daily head fuck of a job where your boss is a little piece of shit with an anger problem.

Why did that have a question mark on it? As long as you can have nice fat, a nice fat savings account and you can keep from losing the house while you kick back and take it easy for a few months or years, don't forget about unemployment insurance. They will pay you

for over two years to sit on your ass and encourage you to do it. It doesn't hurt my pride one little bit to get back a small portion of all that tax money the government stole from me over the years. Fuck them. You get to sleep in every day, go to the gym while it's empty

and drink on a school night. I would never go back if I didn't have to. Yeah dude, I gotta tell you man. Yeah, you know what you're living? You're living the life of a comedian except you don't have to go out and do a set that night.

Ah Jesus. Is that gonna be it? Is that the podcast for this week? I gotta put in an hour here. Somehow I gotta put in an hour. I don't know what to fucking tell you guys. I really don't. Oh, I know what I forgot to mention this week. Pro flowers.

Valentine's Day is coming up everybody. You go to proflowers.com For some reason they took that banner off my website. They told me they go, we want to have banner on your website that we have the ability to change. And they just

completely took the thing down. So I don't know what that means. You know, I probably should have called them. But they took it down. You wanted all that control pro flowers. I don't know what I'm supposed to be talking about this week. All I know is Valentine's Day

is coming up. And I advocate you know, I advocate going out on the 15th when you can get a goddamn reservation. It doesn't cost 90 fucking grand. Alright, who's getting who? Alright. I didn't get any goddamn copy this week.

Fuck it. I'm just gonna wing this one. Alright, it's Valentine's Day everybody. You gotta celebrate her and her fucking twat. That's what's going down. You don't want to shop. So why don't you go to bouquetofflowers.com. bouquetofflowers and slap her right in the fucking cunt with it. Why don't you do that?

Just go on there flowers.com and click on the twat and enter BU fucking RR and get yourself a bouquet of flowers. shove the vase in her ass and you have yourself a lovely day.

Save the chocolates for yourself because that's what it's about. Oh Jesus I didn't get any copy. What do you want from me? I have copy for next week. They have their desperate copy for next week. Hey fellas, Valentine's Day tomorrow. You gotta

federal express some roses. Why did I just do that? That was total self-sabotage. I was finally making some money on the fucking podcast. Why would I do something like that? Because my team just lost the Super Bowl and I'm really not feeling it. I read enough ads

to cover my new pair of tube socks I need to buy Hey, Belle, where are you going to be this week? I'll tell you where I'm going to be. I'm doing the redneck tour. I'm coming down south. Fucking south is going to rise again. Let me tell you something. If we all got together

we created a co-op. Like that did on that show The Wire except it's all white people where it should be. If we created a co-op of all our fucking moonshine stills we took all the money we made instead of buying a new pair of overalls

or sticking a fucking 500 cubic inch engine into a fucking Vega we combined all that money we could buy some gray uniforms and south rise again. We could do that shit. I'm going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina on Tuesday at the

Comedy Zone, the comedy fuckface hut I don't even know what the hell I'm going to be I'm going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina Rick Flair If you're listening to my podcast and you know Rick Flair I got a fucking I got tickets for him if he wants to come down

it would be an absolute honor to meet arguably one of the top five funniest motherfuckers on a microphone ever and then on the what is it going to be February 8th Wednesday I'm going to get my rental car

and east panel down loaded up and trucking I'm going to drive all the way over to Alabama the only fucking state that Georgia can make fun of I'm going to go into Alabama and I'm going to be at this I don't for one show and one show only

and then the next day I'm going to go into Atlanta, Georgia Atlanta, Georgia on 9 I'm going to be at the fucking what is it, the Buckhead Theater and I'm going to be doing listen, I'm getting ready to do my big stand up special on March 3rd at the Lincoln Theater

in Washington DC, two shows and so what you will be seeing you will be seeing a comedian freaking out you'll be seeing a comedian putting together what you're really going to see is me just fucking around that's what you're going to see doing the hour that I think I'm going to do

fucking around with it and having fun with it we're not going all fucking crazy we're not going all crazy with it I don't want to burn it out I'm already sick of these fucking jokes people I'm not going to lie to you that's when it's time to do a special

when you're standing on stage going if I have to talk about this one more fucking night I'm going to kill myself and then you're like you know what I think it's time to document this and move on that's where I am in my laugh so I'm going to be driving the highways down there in the good old south I'm going to have my head on a swivel

looking for some old cars and oh hey thanks to everybody who helped me out to try and find the parts for my truck man as I told you I got this fucking garage bought this old house and the garage is designed for a fucking Model T Ford

I'm not even lying to you the goddamn garage is high enough to get a fucking truck with a lift kit on it but you know those old cars back in the day you sat inside the wheel wells you know inside the tires were on the outside and you were on the inside

you know that's why there was all that date rate back then and you were sitting on top of it and that's true that's a true story it's a true goddamn story and I'm sticking with it yeah thanks everybody who helped me out with that

and ordering the parts and when they get here I'm going to have some friends of mine look over my shoulders I try and put them on and have them like fucking help me out you know what's funny is I bought the oil because I'm going to change the oil in the fucking thing

and for the life of me I can't find the fucking I looked under really quick I can't fucking find it my old truck there was oil pans right in the bottom and there was a little screw you just undid the fucking thing it was right there I can't find the goddamn thing

granted I was holding on my dog as it was trying to eat a cat at the time and I was sticking my big head you know what I love about having a truck is my big fucking head can actually fit underneath the truck I'm not having to raise it up at all but people have asked me to post pictures of it

I'm not going to do it just because nobody really has one out here and this thing you know sticks out like a sore thumb and you know I don't know you know I don't need people going hey why didn't you read my podcast questions I'm driving down the fucking street

alright so it's a 68 Ford F100 that's all I'm going to tell you three on the tree bitches you know what's funny is Nia is afraid of the thing because it's loud as fuck and you know the other day I was trying to cut

in front of somebody and so I let out the clutch too quickly and I stalled it and then I pushed it and rolled back before we got we got run into and it's just she you know she's a city girl you know she was already afraid of driving and that type of thing so she's never

even heard of standard transmission so she doesn't get why it stalls she thinks the truck is broken and she thinks it's too loud and that you bounce around too much and it's just everything that makes it awesome she's kind of afraid of but

I think gradually maybe she'll like it I don't know because I always want to take her out and that's the point of getting the old car you know take your girl out for a drive and have you fucking dog in the back right my inner redneck hey by the way when I'm out there

give me some food suggestions here because I'm on the wagon here because I'm not even on the wagon but on the wagon means I have one scotch at night I have to stay in shape so I don't become Billy fat face I had a little too much booze weight my last fucking specials you know

let it go I got out a little out of control so I want to be in shape for this one and so if you guys know if you know some good restaurants keep me away from the bars but if there's some good place like what is there to do in Charlotte North Carolina what do I have to get

you know to eat what is the thing what are you fucking known for out there other than having the bobcats you know what I mean and Alabama the same thing what are you guys known for huh besides having sex with your cousins

what are you guys known for that's what you're known for alright fucking start with me Atlanta what are you known for down low brothers the braves losing the world series Stonewall Jackson lighten a fucking

scarecrow on fire and Robert E. Lee I don't know I don't fucking Jesus Christ I'm done hour and two minutes go fuck yourselves congratulations to the franchise New York Giants

to all the true New York Giants it's fucking awesome man come on dude four fucking Super Bowl rings that's the shit okay you know it is that's the shit you can make a fist you got one for each goddamn finger thumbs curling around no one can see

that one yet you know but who knows who knows with fucking Eli and the way you guys draft defensive players it wouldn't it wouldn't surprise me if Eli got his third you know it really wouldn't surprise me that guy is the fucking man and he finally got his do you know good for him I'm not

a lot of you fucking hurts but I'm not I'm not a cunt when I lose all right so congratulations to you sons of bitches that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourself next week I'm doing a bunch of gigs out in Jersey Long Island and in New York I got all the dates up on my website

and what the fuck is it billbird.com Jesus Christ did I forget my website I can't believe I did that shit with pro flowers guys do me a favor don't fuck it say anything don't be cunts alright please for the love of God who gives a shit

alright go don't fuck yourself let's talk to you next week I've been away but I see them I've been away and I know and I know I don't want to

make me sad I I I I I I don't know what it's all about

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can't you see them I don't know what they don't wear I see them rounds up my way and I know and I know I don't want to

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