Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-7-19

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

Bill rambles about turtlenecks, the emergency room, and buying land back in the day.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm checking in on you, although the way I was just coughing, you should be checking in on me. What do you think? Are you smoking a bunch of cigars here, Bill? No, I'm not. I was just, I just, I got a little sick. I got a little sick, but not entire, just got a little sick.

I just wrapped on my general hospital, my 72-episode arc on general hospital, 12-hour days, six days a week and we knocked it out and I actually got to see a sneak peek of the, obviously it's not general hospital, I got to see the sneak peek of this thing that I'm going to be a small part of, as always. I always parrot troupe into things that are really cool. I'm never the main guy. All right. That's not the road for me.

You know? I'm a bald, red-headed male. Okay? I know the deal. I'm in the background. I get it. All right? You don't see me complaining like some of these fat chicks out here in Hawaii, I almost

said Hawaii, out here in Hollywood, like, oh, how come I'm not starring in a fucking movie because you look like me with a dress? That's why. Okay? And people invest money and they want to make it back. Okay? So at some point you're going to have to deal with the fact that, you know, you're in the van, man.

All right? You're not picking the fucking safe. The lock on the safe. Anyways, we wrapped on it. I had a great time. I took some chances as an actor. I learned some things. I learned what I always learn whenever I go on a shoot like that, just the sheer amount

of fucking work. How hard everybody works on those things. And it just kills me whenever these politicians, whenever these politicians run for office, who do they talk about? Do they talk about people busting their asses like people who fucking write scripts and people who got to figure out how to then, you know, fucking shoot the thing and all these different looks and now when they talk about Joe Sixpack, Joe Sixpack fucking putting his pants on one leg at a fucking time.

He's got time to go drink a fucking Sixpack. You know, some fucking dope just driving around and, you know, I don't know what, a fucking ice cream truck. He's getting more love from the next potential president of the United States than somebody who's got to stand there holding a fucking microphone over some bald jackass like me for 12 hours a day. I don't know. I think these politicians are wrong.

Maybe if all these fucking Hollywood people would quit shitting on half of them, maybe the hardworking people in the movie industry would get a little more love. That's just, I'm just thinking out loud here, people. Anyways, I had a fucking awesome time and I got to work with some amazing actors and, you know, just great storytellers and all that and I had a great fucking time. Having said that, I'm old and I'm exhausted, all right? And I got to jump on a red-eye tonight to go out, fly direct to fucking Atlantic City because I'm doing a gig at the Borgata tomorrow night, all right?

I'm taking off my acting hat and I'm putting on my stand-up shirt. Anyway, speaking of shirts, did anybody see that stupid sweater Gucci made? I'm getting all my news from Twitter, by the way. I've just given in to the fact that I'm not going to be an informed person. All right, you're listening to the wrong bill, okay? You want to listen to Bill Maher. If you want to listen to somebody who knows what the fuck is going on, okay? You want to listen to that bill, all right?

You want to listen to some shithead who reads hashtags and whatnot. You're listening to the right podcast, all right? Gucci sweater. One of these fucking idiots, right, goes out and he designs his fuck, he or she, all right? It was either some dumb guy or a strong brave woman. Is that how you're supposed to say it politically? Designed a turtleneck that was black that you, for whatever stupid fucking reason,

you pulled up like right up underneath your nose and then your mouth came through it and then there was these big red lips around it. So if you've seen the picture, just Google a picture of it, all right? African-American people, you know, not all of them. I don't even know how many. I didn't take a fucking census. Start going, Jesus Christ, can we stop with the fucking black face? This is offensive, you know?

They said the sweater looked like it was blackface and they immediately made it about themselves rather than the real issue, which was that it was an unbelievably ridiculous and ugly fucking turtleneck sweater. That's all it was. It was an ugly turtleneck sweater, you know? And I don't want to get involved in a racial debate here, but as a privileged white male, I want you to know that I was triggered by the fact that all those black people ignored the fact that there was also half a white face behind that turtleneck, okay?

And how do you think I felt to not feel represented in that sweater scandal? Isn't it fucking amazing this shit that just gets, like, somehow gets traction on social media, you know? What about the fucking eight-year-old, you know, who usually goes to bed at three in the morning after sewing those fucking things together in some sweatshop? Now we had to stick around for an extra half hour to sew the extra fucking thread to make sure it went up and over your mouth, right? And then what happens?

Everybody in the first world country makes it all about themselves and everybody forgets about that little fucking kid there, right? Little fucking Joe Sixpack, right? I don't know. My wife is really into fashion. So much of it is just ugly shit, you know, and then they just have some beautiful woman walk down the runway, like, looking confident, you know? But that one, I swear to God, that was like something out of the muppets.

Wasn't it? It was like the dumb Donald fucking, no, dumb Donald had a hat pulled down over his fucking, I used to know all the fucking Cosby kids. It was weird, Harold. One of them had a sweater yanked up over its face, right? Over. It's, well, it's a cartoon, right? Hold on a second.

Fat Albert kids. All right. Who were they? Let's see. What did you have? What did you have? Wants. Um, there was, what was it?

Weird Harold? No. Didn't one of them? No, I guess they didn't. There was Russell, Rudy, Bucky, Bill, dumb Donald, weird Harold. Who was the last one? Mush Mouth. One of those fucking cartoons had somebody with a thing yanked up over its face.

I don't fucking remember. Um, anyways, that was a big scandal, everybody. It was a big fucking scandal, you know? But thank God, people spoke out and those sweaters will not be mass produced, so whatever ones that they have will now be thrown into the ocean and will let the porpoises and dolphins deal with it, you know? I mean, it could have kept a lot of half, the lower half of a lot of people's faces warm, you know?

They easily could have died it, you know, made it a different color and then what? Then you get Asians and Native Americans start fucking complaining. It's just a bad idea. I think that's what we learned this week, you know? You can't get mad at somebody for trying. I mean, it was a turtleneck sweater. What the fuck can you do with it? Can you lower it a little bit?

It's already been done. Mock turtleneck sweater. What do we do? We're fucking, let's keep it going. What do you think? What do you think? Underneath the mouth? No, right up and over it.

That looks weird. I'll put some fucking lips on it. You know, if you're sitting there going like, Bill, who the fuck talks about half a turtleneck fucking blackface sweater for fucking eight minutes? Well, you know what? It's not football season anymore. Football season is over. New England Patriots are the fucking champion.

Your Boston Red Sox are the World Series champion. I mean, it's fucking unbelievable. You know, Bruins are playing all right. I don't know what's going on with the Celtics. Somebody asked me today on set, they go, hey, is Kyrie Irving going to go to the Lakers? This kind of a room. I heard a room. I have no idea.

All I know is I don't think that they've been playing as well as everybody thought they were going to play. So I have no idea. But I'm going to try to check in on that. All I have to do now, now that I'm on the other side of that acting gig, all right? All I got to do now, you know, I keep doing the F is for family stuff and at night I'm just going to be running my hour because I am taping my hour special. I kind of kept it under wraps as to where I was taping it, where I was recording it.

And I feel like now is the time, you know, because it's a very weird time in comedy. You hear that a lot. Now is not the time for those jokes. I'm a white woman who's not even funny and I'm telling you that now is not the time for that. Have you noticed that most people who are saying what you should and shouldn't be saying comedically are about as funny as your average feature act, they're like middle act funny telling like fucking really funny people what they should be saying.

Oh, yes, yes, you by all means who with your best joke, you just make me raise my eyebrows a little bit like, yeah, that was a funny, wasn't it? By all means tell the world what is funny. I am going to be recording my next hour special at Royal Albert Hall in London. That's right. I'm a trader. I'm going back to the motherland and what the fuck I mean, I'm on my six one, I got to try something different.

I'm going to go over there. That'd be funny. Half of my shit people will be like, I don't understand that and maybe they'll bomb for part of it. We'll see if it's funny. Anyways, I'll be doing it at Royal Albert Hall on Monday and Tuesday, March. What the fuck is that third and fourth, fourth and fifth, fifth and sixth. So I'm going to be doing a run of dates out here by I do the Borgata the fuck month is

this? Well, that's October. Why is this in October? This is the last time I actually put anything in my calendar, October 29th, I put Jimmy Kimmel. How the fuck do I get out of this? Click on this today. Click on today.

All right, here we go. I'm sorry, March. Yeah, March 4th and 5th. All right. So next week on the 15th, 16th and 17th, I'll be in Santa Barbara. I'll be in Pasadena and I'll be in Riverside, California. And then I go to New York City on the 19th and I do the Patrice O'Neill benefit. And then I'm in New York for a little bit doing some spots out there and then I embark

on a little run of dates through the United Kingdom, Great Britain, whatever the fuck you call it. And then I end up at, I end up Royal Albert Hall and there you have it. And then when I get on the other side of that shit, when I say thank you, good night. On March 5th, then all I have to do is worry about wrapping up the writing on season four of Epis for Family and I don't have shit until the summertime and I'm just going to be fucking hanging in Cali doing, you know, getting ready to do my new hour, working my, that's the game plan, all right, because I love my daughter and I don't like leaving the way

I used to, you know, she tried to get out of her bed. I saw her two months ago, she was swinging her leg up and over the crib. And my gut said, you better put some pillows down around the floor in case she goes up and over and I just, you know, I didn't listen to my gut like a fucking idiot. So I was coming home from that amazing shoot that I was on that I can't wait to fucking tell you guys about, but I'm just not allowed to, who's so awesome. But I came home last night and, you know, after I got off set, I never bring my phone down to the set or a watch, you know, because I don't want to know what time it is because

then it just makes it drag. So I just focus on whatever the fuck it is I need to do. And then I come walking out at like one in the morning, however it works anyway. So I'm fucking coming back, you know, I come outside and I get the, oh, the pizza's here. I get this text message and it says we're at the emergency room, blah, blah, blah, all this fucking shit. She fell out of the bed and I'm like, oh my God, I'm wiped out and I have to go to the emergency room and my fucking tires has a slow leak on the left side.

So I'm like, great, never ends. So I'm on my way there and it's so funny, like how my wife is wired and how I'm wired, like my wife is wired like a normal caring human being and I'm like a fucking lunatic. I was raised the way I was raised, just in a different time. So I call her up, she goes, I go, is she talking? Is she fine? Yeah, she's fine. She's joking around.

She's laughing. She's crying until I came in the room and cried. And she sent me a picture, you know, and I'm driving and I'm looking at it, you know, like I shouldn't be. And I was just like, yeah, she's fine. She's fine. She's got a bump on her head. She's going to be fine and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And we both had the exact opposite. She's like, I'm not bringing her home until a doctor looks at her, I'll never forgive myself. And I'm like, she's fine. She's fine. So we walk up to the window to see where we are. It's like fucking one in the morning or midnight, I think. And there's all these fucking people there with their kids and they're all screaming

and crying. They say we're 16th in line. It's just like, they're not going to get to us till like fucking three in the morning. You know, she's fine. I literally, I remember being a kid swinging on these ropes. My other brother was on another rope and we went right by each other and then slammed into the backs of our heads, like slammed into each other. Like I saw stars, it all went white and I landed face down on the ground.

All right. I was out. Like I was conscious when I was on the rope and when we hit, I was unconscious and I hit the ground. And you know what my dumb ass did an hour and a half later, got right back on that fucking thing. And my other brother did too. And I remember the looks on our faces when we passed each other going, are we really going

to do this again? Bam, back of our heads again, saw lights knocked out, hit the ground, you know, and I was fine. So fuck it. So I convinced her that she was all right and she was all right. But like I've kind of realized in that, like I need to like kind of gauge that because, you know, I came from a house where like I had a ruptured appendix at one point and my parents like, you're fine, you're fine. And finally when the hospital, they sliced me open and I don't like my whole belly was

just fucking puss, they're like, Jesus Christ. So whatever, you can take that rub some dirt on it too far. And then you can go the other way where every time somebody has the fucking sniffles, you take him down to the goddamn hospital, you know what I mean? But I think my wife was right to take her down there, but she was okay. And she woke up today and that knot on her head was a lot smaller. And you know, every kid has to have their black eye picture, you know what I mean? Something that you did.

So it was cool. And I was so proud of her that she didn't cry and she was, she's a little toughy. You know, she's a little badass. So anyways, you know, she's talking up a storm and I got my little book and I try to keep up on all the things that she says, you know, you know, what's funny now is they have a park nearby and like once a year, this little carnival thing comes by and they have like little pony rides and stuff. So I took her over there.

You know, I was going on like all the little kiddy rides with her, it was awesome. And then she saw the horses. She's like, horse, horse, you know, she knows how to make the noise and shit. And they had the little pony rides like, you want to ride the horse? She goes, yeah, ride the right horse, right horse. She was all about it, right? And then paid the ticket and I'm going in, I was like, wow, man, she's so brave. You know, she's so brave, right?

And, and she was all about it. And right as I went to put her down on it, because they're going to put you down and then they'd like put this little safety harness and then you was the parent walk along with it, right? I went to set her down and the second I started to set her down, she's going, no, no, no horse, no horse. So I immediately got her out of there because I didn't want to have her to have issues with horses.

Speaking of horses, one of the actors that I worked with, you know, all of this shit, I'm not allowed to say, no, no is a thing or two about horses. And I somehow asked him, what is that road, road hard and put up wet? What does that expression mean? Or, you know, there's a couple of different ways to say it, but that's basically road hard and put up wet. And he goes, that's actually talking about horses. And it's kind of, you can insult somebody like, Jesus Christ, that guy looks road hard

and put up wet. And it basically was, I guess, if you ride a horse hard enough that it's, it's breathing hard and it's sweating. And you just were to then just walk it into a barn. I guess they get like these stomach cramps or something, they call it colic or something. And they literally lay down on the ground and they flip around or what, I don't know what happened. Something gets twisted up and they just fucking die.

So what you have to do is after you rode them hard is you have to walk a horse around until it slows, slowly cools back down again so it doesn't get those cramps. And if you put it into early and it lays down, you got to fucking get that thing back up or it's going to die or whatever, you know, fucking horses, man, they're really temperamental. So I had no idea about that shit. So you know, these are the things that you learn about while you're sitting there. You know, I learned all of this shit. I learned about, you know, there was an old school guy there telling me about different

actors and how much of the, how much land they owed out, owned out here. You know, like this, this actor went out and he bought from this street to this street, which would, yeah, I mean, if somebody went to buy that same parcel of land today out here in LA, like I don't even, it would be a billion dollars or something and the person bought it for like five grand. And then for the rest of their acting career, they just sort of slowly sold it off and made all this money. It's fucking like LA is one of the most amazing, like historic cities, if you can somehow find

out what the fuck happened, because God knows it's not in any books because they don't give a shit out here. They just fucking pave shit over. It's one of the shadiest goddamn plays. Awesome. I fucking love it, but it is so fucking shady with, you know, we used to have street cars and trolleys and all of this fucking shit. And then one day, you know, allegedly this group of people got together, you know, that

was allegedly the automakers and the Goodyear tire people got together and they bought up the trains and the trolleys and they just ripped up all the fucking tracks and turned it into this fucking mess that it is now. Now you got Elon Musk digging underneath the fucking. You know, he's already dug this tunnel underneath LA and the people that live in Beverly Hills are so fucking rich. They stopped Elon Musk, who's powerful enough to just start drilling underneath the fucking city and they're powerful enough to be like, we do not want those commoners taking public

transportation under because they know what's going to happen is eventually there is going to be a subway stop in Beverly Hills and they're like, oh no, oh no, no, no. We have not worked this fucking hard in our lives to keep these fucking, to get away from these fucking people, to have them then just get on some magic carpet ride underneath the fucking surface of the earth, Tesla style, zero to 60 and one point something seconds. Fuck you, you're not doing it, right? So they stopped it. It's fucking, I mean, you can't do shit in Beverly Hills.

They're like, fuck you. They're like their own city. They do whatever the fuck they want to do, they fucking do it. You know, where I live, it's just like, hey, we like that. Fuck you. Bulldozers coming anyways, I got a bunch of ad reads I got to do here. So let's see. Let's see if I can fucking knock these out here.

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Lay off the cherries, berries, okay. Start crushing the waters, eating some salads. You know what the fuck to do. It's going to melt right off you. That's it, you know, because I got to tell you with global warming, I mean, these fucking polar bears are going to start migrating south and, you know, they used to eat in fat seals. So who the fuck do you think they're going after first? All right.

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All right. If they're going to keep going in this fucking direction, Jesus Christ, before it's over corrected to the point we can't get now, all of a sudden we got to start marching in the street. You know, we won't be doing that. Dude, it's not worth it. Just let them have everything. Maybe then they'll stop yelling at us.

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Robinhood.com. Okay, cool. You know what I was thinking? By the way, I didn't gloat about the Patriots when in the Super Bowl because I still can't believe they fucking did it. But it does make me feel good, you know, after all the shit giant fans gave me that the New England Patriots now have more fucking, Tom Brady has more fucking rings than the Giants and the Jets combined and the Buffalo Bills.

They have three NFL teams in the state of New York and Tom Brady alone has one more Super Bowls than those three teams in their entire fucking existence. So I'll take those two losses. Oh boohoo, we only went six and three. Sorry, just giving fellow Patriots fans some fucking ammo. All right, 1-800-FLOW is, by now most of us have started racking our brains. It's about what Valentine's gift is truly going to make her day special. It just blows my mind that there's nothing in here about guys and all these fucking women

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God knows a progressive male will take a veggie sandwich and a fucking hand job. Let's see here. Steak and a blow job. All right, steak and a blow job day. Steak and a blow job day is a satirical holiday creating the United States as a male response to Valentine's Day and celebrated a month later on March 14th. On the day women are purported to supposedly to cook a fillet steak. Yeah, good luck getting any woman under the age of fucking 50 to do that.

The women don't want to cook anymore. I mean, I think they do it for themselves and perform fallatio on a man in response to postcards, chocolate and flowers given by men on Valentine's Day. The observance has no official status, of course, being a popular internet meme rather than an actual holiday. But various souvenirs and video clips have been produced about it. It was conceived in 2002 by DJ Tom Birdsy on WFNX radio. That's from Boston.

It has been suggested that steak and a blow job day is a backlash against the feminist movement. It has nothing to do with the feminist movement. It has to do with the, what the fuck are we celebrating? Why do I only have to buy shit to celebrate that we're together? Anyways, oh, oh, who's coming in, my little Tuffy? Hey. Hey, Nia.

Just to let you, do you know when the official steak and a BJ day is? March 14th. All right. I'll put it in my calendar. Beautiful. Just like that. See that? I didn't have to say anything about feminism.

Did I? Hi. Gorgeous. Look at you. You look like it's week two of the playoffs. Sherry's berries, Nia. Talk about your plans for Valentine's Day this year. What would you do if you weren't procrastinating?

I'm not procrastinating. I already have a reservation that my wife made. We're going to go out and we're going to have something to eat. Share a personal Valentine's Day story. All right. I always tell this story. One time I was dating this woman and I didn't know what to get her. It was like my first girlfriend and I went to the mall and they had these polo shirts

that were on sale. So I bought three of them for like golf shirts. That's what I bought a female and she opened them up. She was all excited and she opened them up and she just went like, what is this? Who would buy these? And she got so mad at me, she started yelling at me and I was so embarrassed that I literally sat down in the bed like a scolded child and let her yell at me for like three minutes before I finally got enough self-esteem to tell her to go to hell.

And then she tried to backpedal that she actually appreciated the fact that I went and I got her a gift. Like it's just like sweetheart, you're not buying me anything. I know this gift stinks, but it's the thought that counts, right? Isn't that what it is? No, it's the thought, the shininess and how much you spent. Was it at least three different colors? Yeah.

Three different color polo shirts. They were ugly. She was right. She was right. What do you do to look good on Valentine's Day? Well, I get a spray tan for one. I put on some me undies from the Greg Luganus line. I get a spray on like stubble on top of my head, put on a cummerbund and then I'm out

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No, it's not. What do you mean? It's not light skin. The color of it? A toffee would be considered light skin. You're going to try to make a raise at the chocolate. Can I ask you a question, Nia? Were you offended by that Gucci half a black face sweater?

Yeah. Yeah. The whole thing was just very strange to me. Didn't you think it was a tribute to half moon cookies? I did not think that at all. No, I didn't think that at all. It was black half a face. It was a half black face.

Half black face. Black half face. But I felt triggered as a white man that they didn't recognize the half a white face that was there. Did you? Yes. Yes, I'm sure they will. Anyways, dipped in milk, dark or white chocolate goodness for any discerning palette.

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All right. Listen to this lovely music here. And then we have another half hour bonus material from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Goodbye. Thank you to everybody that I worked with over the last two weeks on this acting gig. Thank you to everybody that gave me the opportunity. I had an unbelievably awesome time and I can't wait for you guys to see it and I can't wait

for you to tell you what it is. And when I do, you're going to be like, oh my God, no you didn't. And I'm going to be like, yes, I effin' did. I'll talk to you later. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 7th, 2011. Seven days into February. I'm actually doing this Sunday night, which is why all you motherfuckers in Europe actually

got this fucking podcast on Monday morning. And everyone across the states got it Monday morning. All right. And even if you're on a fucking oil tanker in the middle of the goddamn Atlantic Ocean, all right, if you didn't have to go off and swab the deck or whatever the fuck it is you people do out there. You got it on a Monday morning. So I don't want to hear any goddamn bitching this week where you called your Monday morning

podcast. It's my podcast. You're probably asking yourself, why do I work in a cubicle? But beyond that, you're probably asking yourself, why did Bill actually do one on a Sunday evening? So it was actually there for his listeners on a Monday. Maybe if he did that more often, he wouldn't be ranked number 52 on iTunes, according to one of my listeners. He let me know that he loved my podcast and he thought that I should be ranked much higher

than number 52. Well, thanks a lot. Thanks for letting me know how far down the fucking ranks I am. When you're doing rankings, who counts beyond the top 20? Honestly. On edit number 73, Mabel Millenfield with her how to make a pot rose podcast every week. She talks about how to make a podcast. She figured that that would get boring.

Way to go, whatever made up name I said five seconds ago. So I'm doing it because I'm fucking busy today on Monday. Believe it or not, I actually, I booked some acting work. You know, it's a great thing. You know, when you, you know, being in this business, you can watch shows on TV and be fans of them and actually, lo and behold, one day I should be on the fucking show. And since it's inception, there's very few shows that I watch every episode of. And I just have to tell you from day one, I have just loved that show Glee.

I mean, it is just phenomenal, you know, the singing, the dancing, the way they stole the Nelly Olson character from little house in the prairie made her some old cunt with a fucking rape whistle, right? It's a great goddamn show. And evidently they've been listening to my podcast and they can, you know, they hear that I can belt out a tune, you know, I can carry a tune. And you know, I'm going to go on this thing a little bit, Tony Bennett. And I can't, you know, I'm legally obligated to not say what the entire episode is about.

So yeah, so I'm actually, I'm taping an episode of Glee this week. And if you believe that, I got a fucking, I got a, I got a windscreen to sell you. Um, yeah, no, I am working this week as an actor. I'm not fucking telling you in which show, okay? You figure it out. All right. There's only 600 channels, you know, how far into my life do I have to let you, but I am working as an actor.

I'm not fucking psyched because my pilot for comedy central that I was doing, uh, with another one of the funniest fucking comedians I know did not get picked up. That's how my year began, began with a little bit of hope for about two weeks. And then the industry grabbed one of my ankles and then someone else, the industry grabbed the other ankle and then they drove a fucking TV emblem right into my ball bag and said, there you go, Bill, have a great fucking 2011, you know, and I was down on the dumps. For a couple of two, three days, you know, just like one of those old, uh, one of those old fucking crooner songs.

Just what makes that little old hack, thinking something, something, and something, everyone knows that you're fucked, but you, you don't got the balls to kill yourself, so you keep auditioning. See, can you believe I'm not, I'm fucking glee, um, I can too. Go fuck yourself. You figure it out when I'm on, all right, um, so anyways, so this is the podcast. So I was going to do it this afternoon and, uh, I don't know, a day got away from me and then I was like, well, the Super Bowls today.

So I got to make sure I do it after the Super Bowl because I always talk about sports. And if you're someone who's, uh, hates when I talk about sports, you're really going to hate this podcast. All right. Cause I got to talk about it a little bit. There was the fucking Super Bowl and you know, you showed up. You sport, hate and cunt, didn't you? And you sat there and you ate the fucking food, didn't you?

And you ran your mouth during the fucking game and then you shut up during the commercials. Right. And then you gab with all the chicks afterwards. I thought that that was a good one. Can you believe they pay nine zillion dollars a second, right? So shut your face. People will say they hate fucking sports, still show up to Super Bowl parties. All right.

If you do that, you're, you're a punk. All right. When I say I hate sex in the city, I don't show up for the season finale. You know, I don't go to the movie thing. Oh, that's what I should do when they make another one of those horrific movies. Right. Do you know, I heard most of the budgets of those movies is, uh, is actually, uh, dying the pubes of the women who play those girls.

It's true people out here in Hollywood, man, I have the fucking trade magazines at my fingertips. I know people who are on television. They, I think you get the inside information here. I can't believe I'm ranked 52 with some of these gems that I'm giving you this week. It really boggles my mind. I'm going to say, I'm going to, I'm going to crack the top 50 this week. I'm going to get to number 49. What do you think about that people?

Um, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. This one's just going to be all momentum people, all fucking momentum. Uh, let's, let's talk about the Super Bowl, shall we start off right out of the gate. Mike and Donuts is the Pittsburgh Steeler fans. It was a hell of a fucking game, a little bit boring and points, but, uh, I think some of that was had to do with, uh, both teams had great defenses. And the fact that Ben Roffelsberger was wearing one sneaker and one moon boot, or was that an UG?

I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened to that guy, but, uh, I didn't realize that he was so fucked up before the goddamn game, but, uh, my condolences and congratulations to the Green Bay Packers, ladies and gentlemen, their fourth Super Bowl championship. Okay. Combining that with nine NFL titles, all right, and three league titles, giving them an overall total of 16 titles. All right.

Nobody can fuck with that in professional football in America. All right. Shut up. You cunts over there in Europe. All right. Let's call football, football over here, even though we had the brains to pick the fucking thing up instead of skipping around. Fucking unbelievable.

You go over there to Europe, they always give you shit about it, like, well, you know, while you call it football, mate, you know, you need your fucking, shut up. You do use your foot when you kick a field goal and when you fucking kick off or when you punt. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. Supposed to call it foot and handball. Is that what the fuck was bought?

How come you don't call it foot and head ball? How can we not call it that? Use your fucking head over there too. Don't you? All right. There's smarty pants. Um, anyways, sorry. 16 fucking titles.

All right. That is their 16th title. So all you people there, uh, around the fucking league who keep looking, I don't know. And nobody, I asked this question why they don't count NFL fucking titles and nobody gave me a decent explanation. They were, these good people fucking suck back then. I got shit like that. I got shit like that's because the merger, dumb shit like that, right?

That just made a lot of sports guys perk their fucking ears up. Yeah, that is right. That is why he's cause of merger. Is it? Is that why it is? It's a fucking stupid reason because nobody else did that when they had a merger. You know, the NHL had six teams for fucking ever in 1967. They added the expansion six.

They doubled the size of their fucking league. No other league has done that in one year ever. Okay. They didn't tell Montreal and Toronto to go fuck themselves with all their cups. Montreal used to win them back. You know, when they used to play in a pond, the Stanley Cup was the size of like a fucking shot glass. They count those.

The fucking Chicago Cubs have been waiting since 1907. I don't fucking understand it. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. Okay. And later on in this podcast, you know what, fuck it, I'm going to read it right now. All right. This is basically how it went down.

All right. And I know all you fucking sports nerds out there, by the way, I want you guys to debunk my way of thinking here. Okay. Cause you look at the Los Angeles Lakers, two of their NBA championships are not even, they weren't even one in the NBA. They were one in a league called the BBA, which then merged with some other that then became the NBA.

I mean, you want to talk about padding your fucking stats. You got, I mean, if the Lakers can get away with that shit and act like they're one title away from the fucking Celtics, if they can get away with that horseshit, with that hanky that they put up with five fucking titles on it, right? It's funny. Every other championship banner they have hanging on their wall, it just says, you know, NBA champion 1980 NBA champion 1985, right? They just have that it's, it's its own flag.

Then they got this one little fucking hanky. Okay. It should be a big slice of fucking toilet paper that they got five fucking championships on. I think Shemp played on one of those goddamn teams. It's fucking ridiculous. But if they can get away with that, I'm telling you, I'm counting from here on out. I'm counting NFL titles.

All right. I'm going to start a movement. Okay. If I can't close down the fucking Federal Reserve, at least I can make this thing right in this goddamn country. Okay. Here's how it goes. All right.

Just if you want to know Green Bay is on top. All right. This is how it worked. Okay. 1920s when the NFL started. All right. From 1920 to 1932, they had the league championship and it was determined by team wins and lost percentages with ties omitted.

And then in 1932, because of a tie in the final standings, a playoff game was played to determine the championship. And from 1933 on, that was called the NFL championship game. All right. That's how it fucking worked. Okay. And all these teams, including the fucking Steelers played and played back then. So they had an opportunity to win titles, which they did not.

So here we go. Here's how it goes down. The most successful teams from back then. All right. The Green Bay Packers, they won nine NFL championships and three league titles for a total of fucking what's that 93 to 112. Fuck it. I didn't put these in any sort of chronological order here.

So I just got to read them. The Colts won four NFL championships. All right. And then another two Super Bowls. So they got six total. The Giants won New York Giants, New York football Giants won four NFL titles plus three Super Bowls. So they got seven.

They got seven fucking championships. You know, they're sitting there walking around like they only got three. Like they're hanging there with my Patriots. They're not. They got twice as many as us. Plus one. Chicago Bears won nine NFL fucking championships plus one Super Bowl for a grand total of 10. The Cardinals.

I've lost. This is why I'm ranked number 52. I've lost so many listeners at this point, but I don't give a fuck. Chicago Cardinals, which then became the St. Louis Cardinals, which then became the Arizona Cardinals. They won one league and one NFL title. And if you want to go to an Arizona Cardinal game and if you want to fucking chant a year at those fucking retired George McGovern Republican cunts, uh, 1947, that's the year you want

to chant at them. 1947. All right. The Lions won four NFL championships. I forget when that last one, I have the wrong year written down was 1950 something. Cleveland Rams, which then became the LA Rams in 1946 and then became the St. Louis Rams in 1995. I know I sound like the rain man.

They have won three NFL championships plus one Super Bowl for a grand total of four. Here's my favorite one, the Cleveland Browns. They won four NFL titles. All right. And before that, they won four all American football conference titles. All right. And there were three teams that were in the all American football conference that merged with the NFL in 1950.

And I'm not counting those championships, by the way, the all American football conference. I wouldn't count those because that wasn't in the NFL. That would be like the Lakers counting those BBA fucking championships. The all American football concert conference existed from 1946 to 1949. They had four championship games and the fucking Cleveland Browns went all four. They dominated that league. That league merged with the NFL in 1950 and they took three teams with them. The Browns, the Colts and the 49ers.

All right. We're continuing. I've only got a couple more here. The Philadelphia Eagles won three, three NFL titles. Last one's 1960. That's what you want to chant at those angry bastards. And then good luck to you after that 49ers, one zero and five Super Bowls Steelers, one zero NFL titles and have six Super Bowls.

So there you go for all you sports nerds out there. That's the deal. All right. So I don't want to fucking hear any of this, any acting like those things don't count. They do count. That was the best of the best back then. And they went through the same bullshit as every other fucking league with, oh, but they didn't let black guys play back then.

So what? So what? Every other sport counts those fucking things. So I don't know how my goddamn point was, but you know what? I did want to read to continue with, I'll get back to the stats in a minute. Can I actually bring up something here about the Super Bowl? What was going on with the beginning of the game this year with those fucking wailing whores that they brought out to sing every song that ever about America?

You know, they brought out that chick from fucking Glee who tried to make America the beautiful sexy. Well, what is it? Oh, we're singing amazing grace. Amazing grace. They got the little as they slide into the fucking line. All right. She should have been booted right in the box and Christina Aguilera, right?

Then she comes out with her booze face. See, that's why I'm been laying off the booze, man. That's it right there. That's not baby weight. All right. That chick likes her beer. She came out there and I loved her though. I like how she sort of freestyle the national anthem.

You know what I mean? You can honestly remember those words unless you're singing it with somebody else. That's a really difficult thing to do. She was just out there and the stars and the freedom and Kentucky and McDonald's. Let's go to the mall and something else American and the flag was still there. So anyways, I mean, how long did that, you know what kills me was I looked on my cable thing and it said Super Bowl pregame. All right.

Out here, the Super Bowl comes on at three in the afternoon. So I see from fucking like 12 noon to like three is the pregame. I don't want to see that shit. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. I don't want to see people break down the game, the keys to the game. I could give a fuck. All right.

They're never right. I don't give a shit. I just don't care. So I'm like, okay, the game starts at three and then I go to put it on and what do they have more of this pomp and fucking circumstance and I don't like how they got to sing like 58 songs about fucking I understand that it's in America. It's obnoxious. Jesus Christ with the fucking songs and then they got to make them laugh.

Every time you think they're done, they got to add a couple to the fucking line and you just sit in there. I don't get it. It's the most important game of the NFL season and they just drag out one douchebag after another. There's nothing to do with the game. And by the time the game starts, it's like, I don't even give a shit, you know, but at least Dion Sanders dressed up for the game.

Jesus Christ, man. That guy really was showing his age. How can you be that flashy and fuck up that bad? You know what I mean? It was like he picked out that shirt and tie and right before he went out there, somebody spilled coffee all over and I think he had like a white suit and then he just went to the nearest like tire salesman. You know, why don't you give me, she gave me this brown suit and I'll just put it over

this candy cane striped shirt with the fucking tie. Anyways, let me get, let me get to some stats in the past fucking week here. I actually, I actually took the Steelers in the over just because I knew everyone was going to pick the Packers in the under. I don't even know what the fuck it was. I lost 25 bucks. That was my big thing. You know what?

This is the first time the fucking podcast officially hit a goddamn speed bump here. All right, Bill, I'm emailing you. Somebody did my stats last week. How many times I said fuck on the podcast. This is pretty staggering. I said, Bill, I emailed, I'm emailing you to inform you that I served as your personal statistician, statistician during your previous podcast on January 31st, 2011. I documented each and every time you said the word fuck or some variance of the word.

I must say you're in a goddamn league of your own. Thank you. You're the podcasting F-bomb dropping equivalent of fucking Wilt Chamberlain in 1962. All right, let's get to anyways. He said, it's kind of ironic that I'm patting you on the back in a way for this feat because through a little research, I discovered that you used to pride yourself on a clean bit during the early stages of your career. Yeah, I did.

I had to figure out if I could be funny without cursing. Once I proved to myself that I could, I was then free to be myself who's a cozy smug cunt. Despite that fact, he said it's obvious that you're off the wagon and fucking shit up on a whole nother level nowadays. Your numbers are fucking astonishing. You might as well throw on some red leather pants and a gold chain because your vulgarity is reminiscent of Eddie Murphy's in the 1980s, you transparent bastard. Now list a few of your milestones below and then elaborate on just how revolutionary and

earth shattering your last podcast was. All right, this is actually, I was kind of amazed by this. First usage of the word fuck occurred 38 seconds into the podcast. You hit the century mark, 17 minutes in. This stat is mind boggling to me. It took you little over the equivalent of one quarter of football to drop a hundred F-bombs. You did this almost leisurely too. You're a fucking juggernaut.

I can only imagine the damage you do while watching a real quarter of football. All sauced up on the juice. So anyways, I guess last week my podcast was 73 minutes and I said the F word 347 times. Jesus Christ, you used roughly a year's worth of cuss words in a little over an hour. Come on, dude. If you use the F word, there's no way you say it once a day. All right, that's 4.753 uses per minute. You make Andrew Dice Clay and Bob Saget stuff look PG 13.

I'd argue that first half break down in the first 36 and a half minutes. I used it 210 times in the second half 137. Look at that. I slowed down after the all star break. Everybody thought I was going to be the first guy to break 400 and I didn't. So this guy actually made a graph of it. First of all, if I can figure out how to download this, I downloaded it. I can't find it in my computer.

He has the marker next to it, the Sharpie with his headphones and all that. He's counting off days in prison, 345 little slashes there and groups of five. And then he compared me to some of the most vulgar movies of all time. Uses per minute. I beat out Casino, Martin Lawrence live, Goodfellas, Menace to Society, Eddie Murphy Delirious, The Big Lebowski and Pulp Fiction. And then total counts of movies. I came in second behind Casino, but in my defense, that's like a two hour movie.

So fuck them. There you go. Is that enough stats for you in the first 20 minutes? Jesus Christ, it's going to be ranked like 700th at this point. So anyways, what the hell was my week like? I got over my road aides just to let you guys know. I got over it. I don't know.

It just kept getting worse till like Friday. And it's all because I forgot my vitamins. I told you guys, I booked some acting work for tomorrow. So what do I do? Okay. My Patriots got beaten by the Jets, so I don't give a shit. I know I said I wouldn't track Rex Ryan, but for some reason I couldn't resist and I had to watch his post game lost to the Steelers speech and it just, you know, it just drove

me nuts. He was like, you know, you know, a lot of people are going to want to criticize this and they can, but you know, they don't have, they don't have any right. It's just, why don't they have a right? He's like, this team's been through a lot. Yeah. You created most of it with your shit talking. You shit talked the whole, the whole fucking year and you were going to said you were going

to win the Super Bowl. You wrote it on the side of the bus and you didn't. Why do you feel people don't have a right to give you shit at that point? It's fucking annoying. And next year, next year, I'm going to have the same, it's going to be the same. I'll have the same goal. You know what I hate about that cunt is one year he's finally going to win it and be like, dude, what I say, what I say, you know what you said Rex?

The same thing you say every fucking day. So stop acting like you called it. I can't stand that shit. That drives me nuts. When you're fucking wrong, just be a man about it. Be like, yeah, I talked a lot of shit this year and I was fucking wrong. So I'm here to take my medicine, you know, such a fucking fat bitch. Um, anyways, so I'm getting ready for the, uh, I'm getting ready for the Super Bowl

and I don't give a fuck. Right. It's the Steelers hits the Packers. I don't give a shit. I can give a flying fuck about this game. You know, I don't, I don't care. Neither one of those teams has ever done anything really to the Patriots. I guess the Packers beat us in 97, but who gives a fuck?

We weren't supposed to win that game. That was Brett Favre. Remember that young Brett Favre, he had brown hair and then he threw that first touchdown pass and he took his helmet off and ran and went way over to the sideline. You remember that? And they actually had to make a rule that you can't do that anymore because he was so blatantly trying to get some sort of national commercial. Um, yeah, I'll tell you, he just loves the game.

That guy just loves playing the game. Oh, how funny was it when the big Lebowski guy with the fucking most insane mustache ever when he did those voiceovers? Paula Pittsburgh, are you tired of them acting like people still work in steel mills out there? You know, because I have to admit as, as a fan from Boston anytime they do anything about New England, they show a lighthouse and a fucking lobster fisherman. And I lived there for 27 years and I never met anyone who worked in a fucking lighthouse,

ran a lighthouse or even worked on a fucking lobster boat, nobody, you know, and I didn't like clam chowder. I thought it looked like it just looked like a curdled milk, you know, it looked gross. I didn't like it, but they're just sitting there talking about Pittsburgh going Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh is a tough town built on steel when you're in Pittsburgh. If you get hit by a bus, your mother calls you a faggot, right, sorry, got a little bit of the AIDS left. I fucking hate that shit.

And then they go up Green Bay, Green Bay is the same shit as a tough fucking place. People used to pack shit up at Green Bay. And Green Bay, when there's packing to be done, you don't have to look too far to find somebody to pack something. You know, I just wish they would be more honest. You know, this place used to have a bunch of steel mills now they all closed down. They're all rusted in half and got turned into malls. Now there's a bunch of half fags sitting in cubicles looking at spreadsheets up in Wisconsin.

You got a bunch of fat fucks that are goddamn fucking pasty and they got red shit on their face from the goddamn cold ain't shit been packed up here since 40 years before NAFTA. They're a bunch of cheese eating fat fucks. This is all they got for the love of God. Let the Packers win. Why don't they do shit like that? Could they do that? Then I'd watch it.

Then I wouldn't have it on fucking mute. You know, it'd be a nice break between wailing whores singing songs about America. My country, Tizaphy. That diva shit, ugh, Christina Aguilera. How about some P90X, baby? Good Lord. I don't give a fuck she had a kid. You're still in your 20s.

Go hit the fucking treadmill. What happened? You know, that's the danger. That's the danger, you know. That's why I'm so glad. You know, I had a choice at some point in my career to become a sex symbol and I was just like, you know what, I'm not going to do it, you know, because there's only one way to go.

Just go down. I did people. I actually had the opportunity to become Hollywood's first male redheaded sex symbol. All right. I know what you're thinking. What about that fucking pasty freckled ass cunt who was on NYPD blue fucked his whole career up? What about that guy?

I have been in this business since before he fucked up his career. Do you understand that people? Do you realize on March 2nd, I am going to be celebrating my 19th year. Of traveling to strip malls, making people laugh, giggle at my little wacky view of the world. It's pretty fucking depressing. I can't believe it, man. I remember when I was a fucking kid when I got in this business, when I looked at someone

been doing it 17 years, I used to look at him like, dude, fucking hang it up because it is over. It is fucking over. You are not making it, buddy. Okay? Maybe that's why you're sweating right through your fucking sport coat. Jesus, I started in 1992. That's right.

So if there was a 17 year fucking veteran, Jesus, I got to do math now. That would be that. That would mean they started in 1975. If I worked with somebody in 1992 and they started in 1975, I would be like, dude, wow. What was that like? What was it like, you know, driving to, you know, I don't know what, what the fuck you guys did back then, flying on planes with propellers? What happened?

And now, I don't know what happened, I'm 19 years into this shit. And I realize now why those guys 17 years in didn't quit because when you have a 17 to 19 year gap in your resume, you know, from the last time you actually had a day job, excuse me. Um, yeah, you're done. No, no, it's going to hire. What are you going to hire me to do? Sell cars?

Man, what have you been doing since 1992? I was kind of, I was kind of a cunt. I have three and a half years of podcasts where I say some of the most horrific shit ever. There goes any sort of corporate job, right? Why the hell would I want to work for them anyways? You know, you become part of the murder or whatever the fuck it is that you're doing. There's always some sort of killing going on when you work for a corporation. You know, it is if you follow it and then you sit there lying to yourself.

Well, you know, I just shine the gun. I don't pull the trigger. You know, it's the fucking worst. Um, yeah, so I've been doing it 19 years that there's really no turning back for me. And if for some reason the bottom falls out, I don't know what I would do. I have no, I no fucking idea what I would do, which is why I don't think about this type of shit. So I got 19 fucking years in. That's unbelievable to me.

I remember when I hit 10 years in, I was like, Jesus, I used to look at guys like 12, 13 years in when I had like eight. Go man, they've been doing it well. They have to make it now. They better make it now. That is fucking over. Um, so I don't know what I'm saying. You know, which probably brings up the question like, Bill, do you think you made it? Like, what is it that makes you feel like you made it?

You know what, I think I did. I did, right? The fuck. I didn't have high. Look, I'm a fucking C student. Okay, so my goals aren't that high. I look at it like I made it. I booked Glee this week.

Oh shit. I gotta get a puppet people. I gotta do it, man. I gotta make it. I have one year to make it. If I don't fucking make it in the next year, 20 fucking years in. I'll tell you right now, you better build an extension to your goddamn cubicle people because I'm showing up. No, I can't do it.

I left the program. I'm like fucking, what's Marlon Brando's character in a pop apocalypse now? I'm all the way up the river. It's over. All right, I got a head on the stick. There's no fucking way. There's no way I could ever go back and get a real job. I'd have to have a kid and be like I'm doing it for him or her.

Right? That's the only way I could. There's no fucking way I could go in there and have somebody. Oh, Bill, I noticed you came in at 9.08 this morning. Yeah, did you? Did you notice anything else? Like how fucked up that tie is? Like immediately I would just go to that.

Actually, I wouldn't. You know, look at me trying to paint myself like I'm a badass. I wouldn't. I'd be like, oh, yes. I'd immediately go into that. Sorry. Oh, traffic. And you know, just become that guy and hate myself and take it out on some sweet lady of

work next to me who's been with the company for 25 years. You know, she's never missed a day. Yeah, it's because she's stealing from the company. You dumb fucks. She's too afraid to take a day off. You ever think about that? All right. Let's get to some topics here.

So once again, congratulations to the Green Bay Packers, all right? Up there in Green Bay. When you live off one of the Great Lakes, you better take your dick and wrap it around your balls because there ain't no room for pussies. Sorry. I better save my voice. See, this is the type of self-sabotage that's been part of my career for the last 19 years. I do shit like this.

I should, you know what? I should just be thinking to myself and say, fuck you guys in the 52nd ranked podcast on iTunes. I should be resting up on my voice. That's what I should be fucking doing, but I'm not. I'm not. This is what I, you know, I don't know why. I just, I thought, oh, this is what I thought I had.

So I'm getting ready to Super Bowl, right? I don't give a fuck about either team. And so I'm going to go make a couple of burgers. So I've been using this natural goddamn charcoal, which is great. It doesn't have that chemical shit on it, you know? You know that shit? When you're really hungry, if you use that match light stuff, if you throw the patty on too early, you taste the lighter fluid in your burger.

So I'm using natural stuff, which takes longer to light and it's more of a pain in the ass. When you get down to the bottom of the bag, the pieces are too fucking small or you got one giant piece. So I take out one giant piece. It's like, I'm not breaking this motherfucker up. Long story short, I couldn't get any sizzle on my bra-zizzle, all right? I'm starving. So my girl's like, well, why don't we just make it?

Why don't we just make it on the stove top? It's like, I'm like, because I'm a man. That's why. Because I can't admit defeat. I can't admit the fact that what I'm doing, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now. All right? So I just added more fuel to the damn fire. So then I throw these fucking patties on.

Here's what I do. And I make these two fucking things. I melt the cheese and I think everything's going all right. But I'm doing it like I had some sizzle on my bra-zizzle. You like that? That's my little hip-hop nod for this week. And evidently, I didn't. So I, you know, rather than cutting in and making sure everything was done, I didn't.

I just take these motherfuckers off, okay? And they're like the size, you know, twice the size of McDonald's burgers. They're just little ones. I don't give a fuck, right? So I take it off the grill. I put what I put on my burgers, which is just ketchup and pickle. I keep it fucking simple. All right?

Slice the motherfucker in half. And I look and the inside of it looks like raw meat. And immediately my brain goes, don't eat that shit. Okay? You're going to get a coli. You have to take glee tomorrow. How can you sing with a deadly virus inside of you? You just got over road aids.

Okay? Let's not add a coli to this. But what do I do? I don't give a fuck. I eat the goddamn thing, you know? I eat the fucking thing. I smell like smoke. I go, I'm taking a shower and I'm in there just waiting for this feeling of fucking death.

You know? Fortunately it never hit me. But you know what? Why would I do something like that? Self-sabotage. Stupid. You know? That's why I never booked an episode of Caroline in the City.

I mean, I booked one, but I, you know, I fucking, I got Salmonella. All right. You know what people? That story went nowhere. I apologize. So you know what? I think it's time to bring a guest onto the show. I'm going to hit pause here on the recording because I got to set up the microphone.

We're going to bring my lovely girlfriend in and she's going to contribute on this week's version of is it racist, racist, racist? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is time once again for is it racist, racist, racist? Yes. And this time, this time I am joined by my lovely girlfriend, Nia. How are you, sweetheart? I'm great, sweetie. How are you?

I'm fantastic. Let's not be too nice to each other. Okay. Because of my listeners. You know, I find out this week I'm ranked 52nd on the podcast on iTunes. Out of how many? Like 63. No, I don't know how many there are.

I know everybody has a podcast. You're getting there, baby. See that? All right. Well, here we go. We're going to we're going to bring you in here. And you know, you got to hand it to me, huh? For what?

Well, you know, I booked Glee this week. Oh, that's right. I know. I'm so excited about that. I know. I'm nervous about my dancing. I'm all right with my singing, but the the the. No, we've been working on your pot of arrays.

So I feel pretty comfortable. I don't know what the fuck that is. Here we go. All right. This guy wrote from BYU. Are you familiar with BYU? Brigham Young University. This is the Mormon.

You know, those people, right? Sure. They love. Yeah. They're wild and out out there, right? Wild and out. Wild and out. They have like 12 wives each.

Skirts down to their ankles. Skirts down to their ankles. And they don't haulers up to their chin. Yeah. And they're all virgins before they get married. Vaginally. Right. And then they just have anal.

That's how they do it. That's you tie everybody that the salt flats. And you've seen that fucking sit. That's that state. All right. BYU. Is this racist? He says, Bill, is it racist to root for BYU?

This is the college because they have the best scorer. Glenn Falls finest white boy. They start four white kids in total and are eighth in the note in the nation because I do. So evidently this guy's white and he's rooting for this white basketball team basically. They start four white guys. And one of the highest, the number one scorer in the league is white. And he's white.

Is it right? Is it racist? Racist because. Why don't you just use the effect of your garage band? Because it takes too much fucking time. Oh. Plus, I think it sounds better. Racist, racist, racist.

Yes. Yes. Yes. See, I can do it. Is it racist that a white guy is rooting for a white people on a white team full of white people doing white things, having white beliefs? Playing basketball. No, it is not racist.

It is not racist. Okay. And why? Because it has nothing to do with race. It's not like he's saying. I think it has everything to do with race. Well, it's not like he's saying like, you know, fuck black people. They can't play basketball.

Right. It's white people. White people own. That's what it is. You know, that it's not like that. He just likes the white people. Right. This is what I think.

I think if you, if your people traditionally suck at something or have been prevented from doing something, then it's okay for you to root for your guy. Okay. Now that is nobody prevented white people from playing basketball. No. We just sort of, we just sort of sucked at it for a while. I don't understand why. Because we can't jump.

No, no, no, no. I don't understand why he thinks that that would even be racist. Because we get in trouble for everything. Because he's, he's rooting for, he's like, I like this team. I'm rooting for them, but I don't want people to think I'm racist. No, it's just because, look, if you're fucking 30 years or younger, you don't even remember white people doing a 40 years of younger. You don't remember is dominating any fucking sport other than hockey.

Right. All right. And we're starting to creep in on that a little bit. You know what it is? Black people is like, it's like black people. It's like LeBron. When LeBron talks about the scoring title. Yeah.

Remember that? Well, you don't watch sports, but like LeBron was just like one time they were asking him about the scoring title. They're like, you know, what do you think about Kobe? And he said, look, if I wanted to, if I wanted to, I could win that fucking thing. But he's trying to like, like, I look at, I look at hockey the same way. Like if black people wanted to, if you wanted to, we could dominate hockey. You could.

I don't know. You know, I mean, how many, how many, how many more sports? You don't like the cold. How many, how many more sport examples do you need? How many more sports do you have to fucking take over before you just sort of realize, you know, you're killing it. Yeah. No, that, that, that is not racist.

Yeah. I don't think it's racist either because we've been getting dunked on for fucking. Yeah. If he wants to rule for white people, that's not racist. Yeah. Okay. All right. So there we go.

This is, this is a good one here. Racism or. Ethnist. That fucking. No, it's not. Copy that. Ethnicism. That's not what I did this after the Superbowl.

I got E. Coli and recovering from road aids here. All right. Bill, I've been listening to your recent podcast about racism. It had a few questions pop in my head. Why do they call your background, your ethnicity? For example, Spanish, African, American, Chinese, but why when we tease someone's ethnicity, it's called racism. Maybe it should be called.

Ethnist or ethnicism. I don't know what he's basically saying there is why if. I guess if you go, I don't like those German motherfuckers. Why would that be considered racism? And shouldn't that be, that would be more of an ethnic thing because they are, they are a certain brand of white people. I honestly don't know. You don't understand this question.

No, no, I think I'm a little stumped too. Like, I don't know that I know the difference necessarily between ethnicity and race. All right. Well, why don't I know that? I don't know why we'll tell me. Okay. Well, races like, like, would be like, here we go, black people, white people. Like, look, people from, okay, people from England, France, Germany, all them.

Those are white people. Oh, okay. But then you're like ethnicity. But like your ethnicity is German, Irish. German, Irish, Scottish, English and French. My ethnicity is like African and like a small, small drop of Native American or something. There you go. Okay.

So... But your race, your race is black. Right. Like, I guess basically, or African American, whatever the fuck you fill out. Right. Okay. So I guess he's saying a lot of times that, I don't know what the fuck he's saying. I think he's saying like, if someone like was given shit about Irish people, they say

it's racist or something like that. Oh, oh, oh, oh. And what's more of an example of you're making fun of the ethnicity. Got it. You're not, because you're not trashing all white people. You're just, you're just complaining about a certain ethnicity. Right. As opposed to entire race of people.

Right. Caucasian versus Irish or something. Right. Yeah. I don't fucking know what I did to that. Jesus Christ. I'm trying to get some fire on this topic. Well, he's not...

You know what is, Nia? You're too fucking honest. You're just agreeing with all of this shit. I'm not agreeing with it. I just, I don't know why they, I don't know why that, it's called that either. Well, you thought my older Asian game that I play, you said that that was racist, right? It is. How, how is that racist?

Not the old part. That's agist. Right. But, um, yeah, because you said that all Asian people can't drive. Oh, I didn't. Yes, you did. When did I say that? You always say that.

No, I didn't. I said, if somebody fucks up in front of me, those of them are the two I'm guessing. You don't see how that's... Old or Asian. You don't see how that you're, you're taking like one group of people and stereotyping them. Yes. I'm definitely stereotyping them. Oh, I see.

But what you're saying is that you're not like, I'm not saying that these are bad people. I'm just saying that they can't drive. So you're stereotyping. No, no, no. I'm just saying that if somebody makes a fucking U-turn on a highway, if it's not an 85-year-old guy, if you had to take your life savings, I'm not even saying it's going to be an Asian guy. But if you had to bet.

Right. But if your life was on the fucking line telling you, I know what you would bet. So in the grand question of is Bill Burr racist against Asians, I would say no. But he does stereotype them really, really badly. Yeah. And whose fault is that? Yours. No, it isn't.

Do you think I just pulled that out of the... Look, if somebody said that white people can't jump, do you think they just pulled that out of their fucking ass? How many fucking white guys do you have to walk? How many six foot ten inch white guys do you got to watch slam the ball into the front of the rim and almost dislocate their shoulder trying to dunk on a fucking breakaway before you can say white people can't jump? Did you go on YouTube?

But you've seen... You go on YouTube and you'll see some white dudes doing some shit that you think white people could do. But... Right. You think there are the exception and not the rule. I'm just saying that if somebody said to me who wasn't white said white guys can't jump and they can't fucking dance.

I'm really not going to get into a heated debate about that. All right. I'm sure Donnie Osman can cut a fucking rug with John Travolta or whoever the fuck you want to talk about. Or Kevin Federline. He was a dancer. Yeah. That doesn't count.

Before he became a media reporter. But he wasn't though. He hung out with black people and he did hip hop dancing. He was it. He was it. He bought one of those hip hop dance VHS case. He was in a pink video. He had cornrows.

Yeah. And he liked to bang black girls. Yeah. That doesn't count. That doesn't count. That doesn't fucking count. Justin Timberlake. I mean, stole Michael Jackson's voice and all the shit that Michael Jackson actually

stole from mimes and hip hop dancers. And James Brown. And James Brown. There you go. I don't fucking... I'm just talking shit in here. All right. All right.

Well, I see the distinction. But it's still wrong. What is wrong? It's wrong of you to stereotype Asian people. Yeah. I'm not fucking hurting anybody. It started off... Bill.

It started off... It's a joke in the fucking car. I know that. But you realize... This is the thing that you're... Don't stand up. Sit down right now. I'm standing up and I'm pointing at you.

I'm standing up and pointing at you. Put that... Unless you're going to use that finger, I suggest you put it away. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's from like second grade. Why do you have on boots right now? It's really annoying.

Why are you in your underwear? You want to talk shit? Because it's fucking 10 o'clock at night. I'm in my own goddamn bedroom. If you were going outside, that would make sense. You're wearing tidy whiteies, but they're black. No, I'm not. These are like the snug ones.

They're like biker shorts. Yeah. They cut my balls. They make them feel good. What's wrong with that? You said you like these. And you were wearing your boss and bro and shirt. I do like them.

Yeah. But you got a lot of nerve standing up pontificating in your underwear. Why? Because it's hilarious. Because it shows you how passionate I am about my opinions. I want to bribe one of your listeners to like send me something like an Amazon gift wish, like a gift wish list. And I'll send them a picture of you right now.

As you are. Can I do that? Yeah, go ahead and do that. That's the end of your fucking anytime you want to fucking have meals. They don't need it at this point with technology. They just take my head and stick it on somebody anyways. Oh, that's true. Yeah.

Which is what they're all going to do now. Thanks. Thanks, Nia. Anything else you'd like to add? Kim, you guys, will somebody please do that? Make a composite of that and email it to Bill. Okay. And you know what this is?

I want to see that. All about is I have too much control in the relationship right now. So this is what you're doing. You trying to get my listeners to turn on me? Is that what it is? Oh, honey. It's you. Divide and conquer.

I'm making it funny. I thought that's what I was here for. All right. This is why I brought that shit up. This is why I stood up my underwear and I started pointing at you, raising my voice. The fuck were we talking? We were talking about that older Asian thing. All right.

And it was one of the, we were in the fucking car and you've, you've admitted in the car. You're like, Jesus Christ, there's something to this game. And the best laugh we had was that time when it was a little odd. That's the closest I'm ever going to get you admitted to your bullshit. The best one was when it was an old Asian guy. And that's when we came up like that was hitting like the green double zero and fucking out roulette. You had to call old Asian.

Well, it's rude. I have, this is going to sound terrible, but I have Asian friends. So I don't want people to think that I. So do I. Kevin Shea, Bobby Lee. Oh, I love Bobby Lee. You don't love Kevin Shea? I don't know him really.

Bobby Lee. Kevin, Kevin Shea is like the angry Bobby Lee. Oh, okay. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. Bobby Lee's anger is just somewhere hidden in there. Fucking with you.

Jesus Christ. You know what? This is, this is right here. This is why, you know, what is right here? When you, when you, when you want to break balls, you got to hang out with other guys because the woman's going to ruin it. Don't you think that what about why you want to bring in a little, another mini bill bar and here, just your own opinion regurgitated over and over again.

Why don't you get bored with that? With like audio of a crowd applauding underneath it. Bill's always right. Give me another. Give me another. Is it racist? All right. Well, I have to look up one.

Oh, do you realize I said the effort 347 times? That is incredible. Even for you. Really? Jesus Christ. You're just really abandoning me. Aren't you? I'm not, but that's excessive.

Yeah. This podcast is excessive. The whole thing is fucking ridiculous. That beard is excessive. You're the one who told me to fucking grow it. I love it. He told me to grow a goddamn beard. Yeah.

I don't like it. And guess what? I'm playing the part on Glee because of it. That's right. I'm playing the part of Kenny Loggins. All right. Now these are the ones I'm just grabbing these out of nowhere. Okay.

Okay. And this was your fucking idea too because some of these get crazy. All right, Bill. I don't know. It's your fault. I'd like to use your, is it racist segment to get a ruling on a dispute between myself, a white guy and some friends? The issue involves, the issue in question revolves around a particular Halloween costume

of mine a few years back. You chose this one, Nia. Here we go. Anyway, anyone who's been to Vegas knows about the porn slappers that clog up all the sidewalks on the strip. I guess those are the guys who hand out the flyers. I guess I have no idea. So-called because as they're handing out the stripper or our business cars, they give

them a quick snap on the hand to shove it them in your face. Okay. As if having full color porn pushed on you while trying to walk down the street wasn't enough. I guess they deem it necessary to violate your auditory senses as well. Well, they got to get you to pay attention. All right. During a routine trip-

That reminds me of something. I'm sorry. That slapping of the car. That reminds me of, remember when we went to Jumbo's clown room and that girl, when we first went in there, the stripper was like super friendly. She's like, hi as you walk in. And then occasionally you'd hear like a clapping noise really loud. It could sound like somebody had shot.

And it was her clapping her stripper boots together, trying to get your attention. Like, because the room was too quiet and no one was paying attention to her. It was so pathetic in there. And all of a sudden it sounded like a gunshot. It was her clapping her fucking boots together. That was that night that stripper quit on stage. Yeah, exactly. Anyway.

She didn't like say, I'm never dancing again. She just stopped dancing. She crawled over on her hands and knees to her purse, lied on her stomach, pulled her phone out and started texting on stage. Music's still going. Titty's out with the thong on. But the best part was she danced to the whole first song and didn't make one dime. It was slowly coming down the pole.

Greatest love of all. And then whatever the hell it was and then landed on her back. Not one dime. She was terrible. She was horrific. She was ugly too. And the next song started and she was just laying there. She didn't answer the bell.

She was like a fighter. Quit on the fucking stool. I had no respect for her. Anyways, let's continue here. During a routine trip to Vegas, notice how he paints himself as somebody innocent. I thought it would be funny to dress up as a porn slapper for Halloween. So while there, I collected a sizable stack of the previously mentioned cards. When I returned home, I had a fluorescent pink stripper direct to you shirt made.

Had it made up and assembled with other components to create what I consider to be an authentic reproduction. Is this going to end with him in blackface? It's going to end with him in Mexican face or whatever because that's all the guys seem to be like Hispanic. I know where this is going. Here's when the train went off the tracks and it claimed that the costume became racist. My completed costume consisted of a straw cowboy hat, short black wig, brown facial makeup, a large mustache, stripper direct shirt, some navy dickies and tennis shoes. Basically, if Poncho Vila had to get a second job to pick up a little cash on the side, that's what I end up looking like.

Now, did any of my so-called white friends mention that this costume might be racist during the construction phase? Are they so-called white or are they so-called friends? So-called white friends. Of course not. Basically, those white friends didn't say shit. But the second, I'm out on Halloween nights. Suddenly, I'm surrounded by spokespeople for the anti-defamation league. Dude, what the fuck did you do this?

My stance on all this was, yes, that the costume was probably racially insensitive, but it was not done to be malicious. I was just shooting for authenticity and therefore it wasn't racist. My friends claim that it was blatantly racist. The friends who didn't say shit were now trying to step away. The so-called white friends. Yeah, so-called white friends. Can I please get your opinion on this? Here's my question.

Did he have to... He could have done that entire costume without the brown face and people would have gotten it. Because he'd be handing out those things and people would be like, oh, because everyone's gone to Vegas, everyone's seen those. I went to Vegas, I brought you back a stack of those fucking cards because I thought it was funny. So people would have gotten it. So it does seem a little excessive to add the brown face when it's really unnecessary. This is one of these things. So he's dipping his toe in the racist pawn.

I do not think that this person is a racist human being. I don't think he thinks Mexican people are bad. I shouldn't even say Mexican, they could be Peruvian, whatever. I don't think he thinks they're bad, but he definitely dipped his toe in because there was really no need to go that far. He could have done the entire thing and everyone would have gotten it. Alright, this is what I say. He didn't need brown face. This is what I say.

I say this isn't racist. I say what he's guilty of is not knowing that he was going to be called a racist. Because if every fucking dude handing those things out that weekend was Mexican and looked like that, and he went all out to try to look like that, all he's guilty of is having a fucking kick-ass costume. Alright, and if the Wayans brothers can make white chicks, that fucking horrific horror that I fucking saw. I didn't see the movie, but I just thought it was so fucking weird.

That just got too transvestite-y for me when he took his foot out and had it on the table. It just really was fucking disgusting. I didn't understand how we're supposed to believe that everyone in the movie doesn't realize that it's black people in white face. Because it's so obvious to me. I'm like, do these people really believe that this isn't an actual white person? They're talking to other white people. It doesn't look weird to them. And this is my thing. If you can fucking do that, which I get the rules are fucking different because of all the bullshit that's happened.

So that's one of those things where he's guilty of like a white person who doesn't mean anything bad, but says you people or you guys, and then has to be like, well, I didn't know. I didn't fucking know. So I wouldn't say that that's not racist. But your friends are fucking sellouts. I think they did it on purpose. I think they were like, oh, this is going to be good. They did it on purpose. I think they wanted him to get called out.

If they did it on purpose, then that's fucking funny. But yeah, I don't think it was a little unnecessary to add that. I don't think he needed that for the costume. This is what I would say. In a perfect world, he had a great costume. But because of all the shit that we've done, that's just one of those extra, because of all the extra perks you get from being fucking white, you should have seen the gift bag I got when I was born.

It was fucking ridiculous. It was like a bag full of cash. It was a day subscription for life. Your college was automatically paid for. You had a job set up. Oh yeah, white people, we just bitch. If I could tell you honestly how difficult it is being white. That's why I want to know the why.

I'd be curious to know why he felt like he had it to add that to it. Maybe he didn't feel like the costume was clear enough. He's like, I got everything. You know what this needs? He could have even just left the mustache. What if you go as a specific guy? Billy Crystal, when he used to do Sammy Davis Jr. on SNL, he was not only in blackface, he was in black body, black everything.

He went, obviously not underneath, but he got away with it because he was doing a specific guy. How does that work? But then Ted Danson comes out and does a roast. I'm really going far back here, which allegedly everything goes. Did you see on 30 Rock when they had one of the characters in blackface? I don't watch shit. The girl that plays Jenna, Janker Kowski, it was really funny.

And in the context, it made complete sense and it wasn't like... Let me read one more here and then we're going to let you go here. Another stunning performance here. Dear Bill, after listening, how much better am I getting at reading out loud? You know what it is that I do now? I'm getting way better at this. You're like a little kid. I am. What I do is when I start to lose...

Sound it out. Take your time. When I start to lose control of the sentence, I just make up whatever they're talking about. After listening to all the racist stories from the last two podcasts, I really like your comedy, Bill. Did they really say that? No. I have one to share that I have always felt I lost.

All right. Back in the 10th grade, I had a friend named Robbie. He happened to be one of the five black people in my high school. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Here we go. I knew him for a few years and we had a few classes together. We both took some sort of technical drawing classes and sat next to each other.

After we became sort of friends, he thought I was okay to call me cracker, honky, etc. This must have been the 70s if you broke out honky. I'm pretty sure he stopped calling me by my real name and only by my racial slurs after a while. Seeing how I'm white and I'm pretty laid back, I didn't give a fuck about what he called me. Yeah. I mean, at that point, if every president was white at that point, you don't give a shit. It doesn't carry as much water. After about two weeks of being bombarded with racial slurs.

See, I don't even consider those racial slurs. I just consider those, you know. I don't consider those racial slurs. Nicknames? Yeah. Hey, white boy, that doesn't bug me. Hey, fucking black guy. Yeah, it doesn't bother me.

I don't give a shit. Hey, black guy. Anyway, after about two weeks of being bombarded with racial slurs, I figured I would say it. Oh, no. Well, okay. Fuck him. He started. Yeah.

Yes. You know what it means. I figured that by saying it, it would all be in good fun and we would have a good laugh and it would be over. Oh, I hope he buried it in the middle of a sentence. That's the only way. If he had, he needs a lot of words surrounding it and he better not have said it with the R. Here we go. So one day, a great opportunity came along when I walked in the room and Robbie said,

What's up, my cracker? In my head, I was telling myself to let her rip. That's so close to get her done. This isn't going to end good. So while I'm doing some sort of stupid handshape, I replied to Robbie saying, What's up, my N word? Without hesitation, Robbie's ancestral tribal warrior spirit kicked in. Next thing I knew, I was being manhandled by a black kid that was much bigger than me.

The scuffle didn't last long and nobody got hurt. He said, What's up, my cracker? And then you said, What's up, my N word? And that was a that I met. That kind of seemed like comedically that would flow. Yeah. And it would be like funny and everyone would be like everyone in school would be kind of like, Wow, like they have that kind of relationship that they can go back and forth like that.

Well, it actually sounds like a really bad sitcom. It does. All right, let's finish. Here we go. After the fight, we got into a twisted debate on how I was somehow wrong for what I said that Robbie wasn't. It was some, it was some complete bullshit, like a bunch of pussies afraid of appearing racist. None of the other white kids in my class have my back to this day. It still amazed me how sensitive people are when it comes to racist shit.

Robbie could clearly dish it out, but he couldn't handle any heat directed toward him. I didn't give a shit what he called me, but shit right there should have made up some shit. I didn't give a shit what he called me because I knew he was just joking around when I started to joke around. He flipped out. We still are made friends throughout high school to this day. I feel as if I didn't do anything wrong, but I still feel as if I lost the argument. What do you think? I think that's one of those things where maybe because it was too many other white people around,

but it was one of those things where he should have got at least two minutes for instigating on that one. Both get five minutes for fighting, one gets two minutes for instigating. Because I could see where if they were in private, they might have said that to each other and laughed. But if there's other people around, then his friend feels embarrassed and humiliated and like, oh, you're letting this guy say whatever you want. But this kind of reminds me of when black people say that we shouldn't be so casual about the n-word because it makes white people think that you guys can just say it to us because we say it to each other all the time. You guys say it to each other all the time.

The big deal is rappers and stuff, you guys are constantly saying it. So it's like, you know, it's a problem if I say it. It's clearly not the same thing. However, I do see that side of the argument where it's like, well, and a lot of it's from like older black people too that are like, you know, you can't keep saying it like that because white people will think that we don't respect ourselves and so they shouldn't either, blah, blah, blah. Alright, let me go back to the white guy.

Well, you guys say it to each other, blah, blah. That's just a racist for the most part. That's just a racist white guy. Trying to rationalize. Yes. Saying the n-word. No, I'm trying to rationalize. Trying to get away with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. I would say pretty much that's what that is. I don't think his friend should have opened the door to use that kind of language and I think his friend was kind of enjoying the fact that he could call him Cracker and Honky. I think he liked that, that he could just say that to him. It might have been like some sort of subconscious like, yeah, see, I can say whatever I want. You can't say shit to me.

It could have happened. And then when he did, it was like, no, you can't, which isn't exactly fair. Well, it depends on how he said it. If he went a little high-pitched and tried to say it like funny, I think he could have done it. Like Nico? Like that? Like what's his face? Do you have an impression of the P90X guy?

P90X? What does he say? How does he always greet the black guy on it? He goes, No, no, say the white people first. He'll be like, hey, Sharon. He goes, hey, how you doing, Billy? How's it going, Tommy?

Looking good. How you doing, Nathan, my brother? Yeah. That's so fucking bad. That's just embarrassing. Oh, speaking of embarrassing, I asked last week, who was the last white guy to win an NFL rushing title? And I actually got two interesting answers. Okay.

The last time a white guy won it for the conference, Mark Van Egan won it for the AFC in 1977, but Walter Payton won the overall rushing title, and Jim Otis won it in 1975. That doesn't sound like a white guy named, does it? Jim Otis. You can go either way with that one. Yeah. Otis Anderson for the St. Louis Cardinals. He won it, and I think OJ Simpson won it that year.

Speaking of white people. I didn't know what he meant by that. I know. I don't know either. It was so funny. I was just picturing the woman he fucking married to. Oh my God, a dentist brought back when that verdict was read. We were watching it in high school, and I went to pretty much an all-white high school.

There was definitely some black people there, but not as many as the white people. So are you guys like high-fiving as every other white person fainted? It was weird. Yeah, it was a weird thing because it's like, yeah, we were watching it in class when we should have been learning, but we're watching it in class. So the verdict, you can feel them wanting to be like, no, and then them looking at me and looking at maybe one other black person. I remember this guy coming up to me.

He goes, listen, I'm not racist. Oh, jeez. That black motherfucker killed that white bitch. But I think he should have gone to jail. And I was like, okay. And I said, well, he's not. And he goes, wow. And then he just walked away.

And they probably mumbled some other shit. But he just felt the need to let me know. Right. Well, that's one of those things where black people being happy were the same. That was just like the white guy rooting for BYU because they just, you know, white guys have not succeeded in basketball. And you guys haven't done so well in the trials. Not so much.

Throughout history. It was less about the fact that he clearly did it than the fact that, you know. No, he didn't. Because he wrote that book where he said if he was going to do it, this is how he would do it. He so did it. Everyone knows. But the book was totally different. The book never even came out.

First pack of football cards I ever got. OJ Simpson was the first one. And I fucking loved the guy. He betrayed you guys more than he betrayed us. Oh, look, which is the ultimate irony. He, I can't even say what I, what, how I feel about that shit. But I'm going to tell you this. There was actually a picture somewhere in the attic of my life of me in second grade

sitting on Santa Claus's lap with an OJ Simpson jersey on. That says it all in a sticker on my hand because I had a good day at school or some shit. I just remembered another example of more in his black face. Well, let me, let me finish the rushing title. The last white guy to overall win a rushing title like no bullshit was 1962 Jim Taylor for the Green Bay Packers and he won it in between Jim Brown. I don't know what happened to Jim Brown that year, but so he won it. So there you go.

That that's essentially the pot. Yeah, it's a podcast for this week. I got to rest up to do my glee this week. You know what song I'm singing? No, what is it? I'm too embarrassed to even say. You shouldn't say let it be a surprise. Let it be a surprise.

All right. Just let everyone know when to tune in. It's a glee on the Glee network. What was, what's your last thing before I sign off here? Cause I got to upload this shit. No, I was going to, I just wanted to talk about really quickly. I had a boyfriend in college and he, Okay, Nia, thanks for coming on the podcast.

We had a great time. Hey, listen, I know I do have a couple more tops. I don't even have a fucking boyfriend in college. No, it has nothing to do with our relationship. It's when he was a little kid and he was dressed as a hobo for Halloween. He was white, by the way. Um, and he put dirt on it. Like he wanted to put like brown makeup on his face to look like dirt.

So he'd look like a dirty hobo and it looked like he was wearing black. Oh, he went all out. So people were like, do you think all black people are homeless? And he was like, I just want to be dirty. So it was, it was, Which made it even worse. But it was hilarious. That's a funny story.

It really isn't. No, you know, cause, cause the fact that he told you that story, I can see how far into the relationship you are, which means other things were going on, which I really didn't need to know. All right, here's one. Best teacher ever. Listen to this guy.

I got this from a teacher. Where the fuck was this guy when I was in high school? Hey Bill, first of all, I love your podcast and your stand up. Thank you. The reason why I'm writing to you is I'm a math teacher and I have a student who's a class clown. I really think he has the potential to be a great standup comedian.

And I want to suggest that to him as a potential future for him. I don't think that academics is really his thing. What would be some good things, slash advice to show slash tell him, right? Rather than being the asshole teacher be like, you sit there and shut your fucking mouth. Make him clap the erases or whatever the fuck these kids do nowadays. This guy's actually wrote the guy back.

I said what I always say, right? Five minutes of shit. You think it's funny? Sign up for an open mic. When they call your name, go up on stage. And there you go. Don't judge yourself the first 10 to 15 times you do it. 10 times, I would say.

That's all about being like, wow, I'm holding a microphone. I'm really doing that. They really do have brick walls behind me as you're trying to remember your shit. But after 10 times, then you start getting a feel for it. And then everything else falls into fucking place. If they have a talent contest at a talent show at the school, he should do it too.

No, he shouldn't. Why not? That's what I need to tell you. Under no fucking circumstances should you ever go on stage the first time you ever did stand-up comedy in front of your own fucking class. Oh, my God. Oh, that's true because if it doesn't go well,

it's going to be humiliating. So he should do it somewhere else away from so he can work it out so he doesn't bomb in front of all his friends. Everybody's going to heckle you and have to beat your balls. That's why bombing on a cruise ship sucks because after you bomb, you can't leave. You're just with the crowd and everybody just sits there looking at you. But at least the cruise is over in a week.

This kid's got to finish off the fucking school year. But the love of God, if the teacher's listening, do not tell him to sign up for a talent fucking contest. Don't do that because that's the type of thing that could leave an emotional scar where the kid might not do it again for five years or never fucking do it again. You need an escape plan when you're going to go up and do that shit. Believe me, the first time I ever fucking bombed, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Where was the first time you bombed? No, that was in some fucking bar in North Reading, Massachusetts, I want to say. It doesn't even exist anymore. And I walked in and there was this function, this little half of the bar where you could sit down and eat fucking fish and chips, dude. And there was like nobody there other than other comedians

and then like three fucking people who came to see another comedian. And then up at the bar were just guys drinking, like five people spread out amongst 15 chairs. You're eating your balls. And I didn't know how to handle it. And I went up there and I just bombed and said, I was supposed to do five minutes. I bailed like two minutes in and said on the mic.

I told you that. Yeah, I remember that story. I said to the host, Jack, I go, Jack, I'm bailing. And all the comments went, ah, and then I felt like a fucking pussy. And all I want to do is just walk off stage, get my car and drive home. But I was so humiliated. I sat in the first fucking chair that was open, which was like two rows in and just sat there with my head down wanting to leave the whole time

and sat there throughout the rest of the fucking open mic, like a scolded child. And then I drove home and cried. Classic German Irish rather than dealing with the emotion. I kept trying to put it outside of my body and it was just hanging in my car. The whole fucking was horrific. I can't imagine doing that and then doing it in front of your entire fucking class. It was horrific. Okay.

So that was bad. My bad. Bad advice. All right. YouTube, YouTube, YouTube fucking videos of the week. This one, uh, Brad Garrett was on the Joe Bayhar show. And if you just want to see a fucking stand up comedian in complete, not giving a shit mode, just going off, you got to watch this.

He's absolutely fucking hilarious. This guy is a true stand up comedian. Like I already loved him from the Ray Romano show. But when I watched this clip, this guy is the shit. And I would definitely go see him do stand up. This is what it takes to be a great comedian. This guy completely doesn't give a fuck. And there's a bunch of people evidently watching it because he jokes that all his Ray Romano

money is gone saying he invested it into this comedy club. Like he was on a hit series for fucking 10 years. Like 10 years of syndicated money. That's how much it takes to open a fucking room in Vegas when you're in name. He's clearly joking. But people are like, is he broke? Is he doing heroin? Heroin.

No. What's great is he just at one point he's throwing chips at people who were in Vegas. You know your white trash. He doesn't call it fuck. It's fucking hilarious. You gotta see it. He's funny. All of these are gonna be on themmpodcast.com.

We put this one up last week, but I forgot to hype it. Insane robot movie. You gotta see this thing. It's just a clip from a fucking great movie. And also the greatest wrestling clip I've ever seen in my life. Nia says she wants her five minutes of her life back. This is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. The name of the video is the most illegal thing I've seen in wrestling history.

You have to watch it. It's fucking awesome. And quick overrated, underrated. Overrated. The black eyed peas. The bill. The black eyed peas are terrible. I'm pissed.

I watched that halftime bullshit at the Super Bowl, even on mute. With the promise that it was going to be something I didn't want to miss. They suck, and that noise they call music is the worst crap ever. I walk out. I never watched the halftime shows. They're fucking horrific. They were very different before Fergie showed up. And I'll just leave it at that.

Okay. And if you know them, you know that what I'm saying is true. Yeah, you're blaming the white girl. Okay. Is it racist? Racist? Car sex. Underrated.

Is often unappreciated. LOL. There's nothing like pulling over on the side of a busy interstate and getting it on. What? Is what he says. Or stumbling out of a bar with some random chick you brought a few drinks for and convinced to leave with you. Going to a car and not even making out of the parking lot.

It's just, oh, I'm banging basically. It's just plain awesome. I purchased, let it go and loved it. Thank you. I would say that sex in a car was way better back in the day when they had bench seats and actually they made huge cars. But I think it's, I don't know. You know, I don't like the look in your eye.

I don't like the fucking look in your goddamn eye. Okay. And I'm not getting into a fucking personal life, but we don't have enough, we don't have enough memories. To have that look in your eyes you filthy fucking poor. Wow. Yeah. The older cars are better because they have more room.

You fucking gotta be kidding me. You know what? Why don't you get your trampy ass out of here? Oh, please. You think I didn't realize that when I met you? Huh? You think I didn't realize? You know?

You've had a sex life before. You got damn right I did. You got damn right I did. So what is the problem? It's what it took. Male whore meeting a female whore. You were a man whore. I was not.

No, you were a man whore for a minute. I was always nice to the ladies. Yeah, well. No, I wasn't. Look at me, Nia. I look like fucking howdy-doody with a fucking. Nah, but you got that whole little like sexy angry thing going on. Women like that.

Listen Nia, you know what I don't like? I don't like being pandering too. Pandering too, however the fuck you say it. Oh, here's one last quick thing. I always say I'm gonna fucking end it. I never do. All right, corporations selling your information. Hey Bill, I've been listening to your podcast for a while now.

And think they're very entertaining and funny. I do have to admit however that every time, maybe I read this last week. I can't remember. I'm just happy because I ended up being right here. I do have to admit however that every time you talk about the conspiracy theories and people tracking your electronic purchases and whatnot. I roll my eyes and wonder why you're so crazy.

However, this is why I actually started reading better as I pause now. And I look at the next three words and it fucking works out. It's like the king's speech. Is that what that movie's about? Kind of, yeah. I'm not watching this. It's good. It's really, really good.

It looks like it took place in another time. It did take place in another time. So it's a period piece about reading? It's fucking horrific. Well that's what I was just talking about. Whatever. Why don't you think about your time in that fucking LTD? However, recently, that's one of my favorite cars.

You just ruined it. You know what? I'm going to have to tell a fucking story that's going to ruin something for you. What? Let me think. What are you into? Going to the mall? Yes.

One time I got told at the fucking, whatever. Orange Julius stand? No. However, recently I was browsing the internet and started noticing ads on every page that directly related to something I had just purchased online. How fucked up is that? Now I knew things like this happened and that sites kept certain information about you. But I guess since I never saw any visual evidence of this, I simply put it in the back of my

mind and never worried about it. However, now I had direct, in your face, evidence of being tracked. I have to say, I felt a bit violated. Yeah, it's weird. Like somebody's just sitting there watching what the fuck you're doing. Anyways, he says, I think that the ads were specifically being put up for me on every website I went to struck me as a huge invasion of privacy and it was a bit unnerving. This was a week or two ago, and ever since then, I have become a bit paranoid about the

amount of information that is out there about me. I thought about all the times I've entered my credit card information or home address online in order to make some purchases and went through every website I could think of to erase that information. Dude, it's over. It's already up there. I know once it's out there, it's impossible to take back, but I have to do what I can do. I've changed my email address.

My old email address had my full name in it. I started shredding everything with my address on it and started using cash only to make purchases so that someone can track it, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. Actually, somebody sent me an email the other day of some four-year-old kid got a credit card application from American Express. And why aren't we talking about how if you use Gmail, if you're having an email conversation with somebody and you mentioned something, like, oh, yeah, I'll meet you after I go to

the spa. Next thing you know, there's all these ads for spa stuff. Yeah. So Google reads your email. It picks up on key phrases and then just automatically pops up ads around it that you can correlate to the email that you just sent. No, but for some reason, you're looking at an email like it's illegal for you to read my mail mail.

Right. The old school shit. Right. But somehow online, they can just look at that because it's just, no, it's... Now, this is what morons are going to say. Like, dude, I mean, it's just a computer program. It's just picking up certain words. Like, this is how you gradually work your way to having a microchip in your forehead

is they just incrementally take away what they used to not be able to do. And then what happens is people die off. And then the new standard is where this new generation was born. It's like being taken off the gold standard where cash used to represent gold. You brought your gold and silver was heavy. It was dangerous and it was a pain in the ass to carry around. So like, well, bring the shit into us. We'll give you these pieces of paper, cash that represent the gold.

You give us $20 in gold. We'll give you a $20 bill. And anytime you want, you can come back down and fucking, you know, get your $20 in gold. And after a while, we just kept using the piece of paper. People forgot about the gold. The fuckers who brought the gold in died. They took us off the gold standard. Now you can't claim it.

What happened to all that gold and silver? Those fucking cunts, they kept it. They kept the shit. So that's what I'm saying about all this other stuff is like all this stuff that you used to not be able to do. Like this people being born now will not remember a time when people couldn't just, you know, when the government couldn't listen to and record every phone conversation you ever fucking had. And I don't, people get like, I don't know, this is a type of shit. If you talk about it, people think you're fucking paranoid.

Well, it's also like, you know, the stuff that you put on like Facebook and stuff. You know what, I don't care, Mia. I don't care. I'm just picturing you in a goddamn car with your fucking hot ass feet up against the fucking window. All right. No, this podcast is too goddamn long at this point. I already did like another 25 minutes other than this. It was like an hour and 15 minutes.

You can cut off that part if you want. Which part? The part where we're talking about the stuff with the cars. Why? It's probably the fucking best part of the podcast at this point. All right. See, look, I got you guys, you know, That's what I'm here for.

No, it's give and take. Somebody, somebody's got to get hurt this week. It was me. The next time is it going to be me? No, I wouldn't do that because I got to fucking live with you. I got to live with you. Well, that's it. Listen, I have to rest up my voice because I'm singing Macho Man in my fucking underwear tomorrow on Glee.

That's it. Thanks to listen to podcasts this weekend. Thanks to each and every one of you out there for making it number 52 on the podcast. Keep reaching for the stars. That's right. Give a fuck. That's it. You guys have a good weekend.

Congratulations to Green Bay. My condolences to Pittsburgh and everybody go fuck yourselves. All right. 02:03:10,000 --> 02:03:35,000 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.