Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-8-18

Episode Date: February 9, 2018

Bill rambles about making cupcakes, Quincy Jones, and Valentines day.

Hey, what's going on? It's bill Bern. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. See how your week's going. I know your week's going great and Philly, right? Unless you're not a sports fan, then you're probably all upset that everybody's all excited, running around, tearing up the street signs, you know, eating horse shit. I felt bad for that Philly fan that had to eat horse shit. You know what I mean? It's just all the shit that their fans have gotten, you know, attention for, like the bar has just been set so high that this poor bastard, he was like out of ideas. You know, you know where it is as far as bad behavior, you know

where Philly fans are right now. It's kind of like, remember when they did the dunking contest every year in the All-Star game and at first it was amazing. You know, somebody just like takes off in the file and it's like, holy shit, you know, the next thing you know, you got to have like some fucking quivering fucking woman standing there and you got to jump in your balls, have to just scrape the top of her fucking head while you covered your eyes like D Brown, you know, that's kind of like where Eagles fans and Flyers fans, all Philly fans are as far as like, how the fuck are we going to get on ESPN this time? What are we going to do? Throw up on a kid? I already did that. What are we going to do?

Punch an old lady in the cunt? Ah, we've been doing that since the 70s. What the fuck? Oh my God, there's a pile of horse shit. Oh, turn on your fucking video camera. That didn't even make sense. I'm not going to put that on Eagles fans. I'm not going to put that on Philly. I'm going to, that is an individual act. That guy wanted to do that shit for the longest time. He just needed an excuse. You know what I mean? It's like all of us. Most of us have never eaten another human being, right? But put in the right situation, you'd fucking do it, right? What was that movie? Alive, playing crashes in the Rocky Mountains. You know, they're right next to Aspen, but they're all rich. So they're not

going to help out. They wouldn't give them a sandwich. Your next thing, you know, they're eating each other. Does this have to do with eating? Why the fuck did this have to do with eating horse shit? I was trying to think where they actually landed. Where was it? They didn't land. They crashed. I would actually be upset if I survived that. You know, like you're like, Oh, fuck, I'm going to die, right? And then you fucking survive me on top of that mountain. Freezing your fucking ass off. Then you wish you did. Anyways, anyways, I actually was finally able to look at some of the highlights because I really wanted to see Eagles fans celebrating. I just couldn't handle it because they beat my team. And I believe I said, you

know, on the podcast and towards the end of December that if the Patriots get bounced out of the playoffs, I was going to root for the fucking Eagles just because, you know, they had one one. Like I said, I really don't have anything. I wanted to say, I forgot to say that on Conan because so many people fucking reached out, you know, Twitter and all of this crap because of my Philly rant thinking I really didn't want the Eagles to ever win one and all of it. It's just, I got booed in Philly. I made fun of Philly. If I got booed in Texas, I would have made fun of pickup trucks and women who wear too much makeup, you know, and you dumb fucking boots, uh, walking around. All right. If you got a flat

screen TV, you're not a fucking cowboy. All right. You look like you're on your way to a gay bar. I would have said something like that in Texas. That's what I would have done. Oh, look who's here. The lovely knee. The fuck are you eating? What are those things called? Panoramas? Take it down a bit. Take it down a bit. Hey, that's when you know your wife's here. Hey, what are you having a good time? Take it down a bit. I'm eating pomegranate seeds. I'm eating pomegranate seeds. I heard they're good for my ovaries and my lady parts. They do. I heard, I read that they're supposed to shine up your vag lips over there. Oh, baby. You know what's weird? That's a weird segue. You know, a year ago or so when I didn't have

a kid, we'll go back a year and a half when you didn't get yourself knocked up, right? I would just be walking around the house. I would be singing whatever contemporary shit that, you know, you would listen to, you know, this is that white gold and Michelle fiver that some pump, right? I'll be singing that shit, right? Now that we have a kid, I'm down there brushing my teeth, going, whoa, Vampirina, I may be blue with pointy teeth. Whoa, Vampirina, but I'm not so different underneath. Yeah, what happened? What happened to me? Oh, what's when they're going, going to go on the adventure? How does the song go going on a mission? Going on a mission. That's it. Going on a mission. Going on a mission. That's true.

All about. Oh, what? Oh, I was, that's why I brought you on. Yeah, those are me on these beyondy sent matching, matching underwears. I love it. These are so cute. What's what's on this? A taco with hot sauce. You get it? Do you need to be explained that wearing these on Valentine's Day? Are they making me fun in front of me for being a redhead? Are they making me fun? Well, they're making me fun of me for being a redhead with the with the hot sauce. Did you see the text that I sent you that now they're going to have redhead emojis in June? Yeah, which I just think is going to lead to more redheaded hate. The thing about being a redhead is what you want to do is not stand next to another redhead. You want to sort of like fade into the background.

But you know what? You don't really, you're not going to use those, but they also have bald, bald emojis. Do they have a bald with a red beard? I don't know if the Baldy has facial hair. When am I ever going to fit in my whole life? When? When are you ever going to be represented? No, you realize how difficult it is to be a redheaded white male is so close to the brass ring. But those blue blooded ones, they won't let me in. Oh, Jesus. I am like the run to the litter, the one that the mother rejects. Yeah, you're the real underdog. I hate when you do you. Yeah, you're the real underdog. Why don't you just do a giant fucking eye roll with that? There it is. A meme level. It looks beautiful outside. So why don't you put on your underwear, Neenie? I want to see you in

those. I want to wear it on Valentine's Day. We have to both wear on Valentine's Day. No, we don't. Because I'm an adult and I can make my own choices, despite the fact that you know something was killing. Can you just wear your taco underwear? Can you just have a little fun and not be so uptight? Did you just say uptight like we're in a fucking black and white comedy movie here? He's white and she's black. She teaches up to loosen up. You're really uptight. You're not uptight. I'm a fucking control freak. I don't like people telling me what to do. That means you're uptight. If you're a control freak, that means you're uptight. No, it doesn't. Yeah, it does. Black people uptight because the sick of white people fucking run and shit. What does that have to do

with anything? Control? Didn't Janet Jackson do a whole fucking album about that? Why am I here? Because I want you to see the match in underwear. I thought you'd have fun with it rather than put demands on. Isn't it enough that I have to pay for the whole evening? We're celebrating our relationship. Where is your contribution? Oh, yeah, but you're supposed to do that. You're supposed to do that. Yeah, but you're supposed to want to do that. That costs you no money. And you're burning calories. Ridiculous. Burning calories. What? That's an aerobic exercise. They've done correctly. Oh, I guess. Whoa, getting a blowy. We are wearing matching underwears. Don't use those two worlds together. I will. And I just did. It's because of that world that you now have a new

world. Okay, there you go. Okay. Hey, by the way, a lovely little one. She she took her first steps this week. Oh, it was awesome. I want to start crying. Yeah, she did. It's funny. You're gonna start crying. I wanted to film it and then fucking put Aerosmith's walk this way underneath it. Yeah, every time she falls that boop, boop, boop, boop, get and when you hit the snares when she falls down on her ass. So cute. She's so proud of herself too. I didn't realize babies get like proud of themselves. Yeah. Like when she learns how to do stuff, she looks over and smiles like yeah, look at me seeing this. You checking this out. So cute. Anyway, so let's get down to what everybody's talking about the scandalous interview by Quincy Jones, Nia. Oh, Jesus Christ, iconic

interview. I didn't like it. Of course you didn't. What do you like bill? What is popular that you actually enjoy? What do you mean? There's a bunch of shit that I like chocolate cupcakes. Oh, look a basket full of puppies. I hate it. No, that's true. I like cupcakes. I actually know how to make them and I've made you some. And I love dogs. You've never made me a cupcake. You fucking whore. Put that microphone. Yeah, that's exactly what I just said. Excuse me. There's no need for that. I drove all over the fucking LA base and trying to find you a fucking yellow cupcake with chocolate frosting and they didn't exist. And I went out and I fucking made them for you. You don't remember that? You haven't never in your life made me cupcakes. This is in Los Angeles or New York. This is

here like when the last within the last two years. Give me that microphone. You're off the podcast. No way. You're off the podcast. Unbelievable. You made it. You went out and bought me cupcakes like late at night when I'd have my cupcake cravings. But you've never made because that would mean you'd make like a dozen cupcakes because that's how many were in the pan. Yeah. And you frosted them and everything. Yeah. I don't remember this. Are you fucking with me? No, go into the cupboard and look, there's a fucking cupcake tray. Why would I have one of those? That's right. There it is, guys. And what I've said for years, you know, your only as good as the last act. It doesn't mean shit to him. You know, the Patriots are always just pushing fucking all pros out the

door. Liners are in there too. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Wow. Well, guess who's not making cupcakes anymore? Or maybe I should film it. Will you make some for Valentine's Day? No. Why? Because you're not going to remember and then you come on a podcast. You never made red velvet ones. And meanwhile I'm wearing matching underwear. I'm playing the game. I'm playing the game, right? And then I make your cupcakes. You don't even remember. How dare you. You look gorgeous. So by the way, Oh, Nini's been hitting the gym and I've been noticing. I'm trying to keep it together, keep it together, keep it together. You know, my issue is that was all positive right there. I made your cupcakes. I said you're looking good. All of that. This is what I didn't like about Quincy Jones. He

was talking shit about people who were dead. And then everybody took everything he said is fact. And it's like, you didn't notice halfway through. He's going, I know who killed Kennedy. Oh, shit, you should have told Oliver Stone. He wouldn't have wasted all that time making that movie when he could have just called you up. I just like when he said, when you go for the money, God walks out the room. That's like, as far as all that gossip about everybody else, it's like, dude, why don't you grow up? Who goes around doing that? He used to steal songs. He didn't say that when you were making records with them. If you're still fucking alive, tell all the stories. This is what I'm telling you. So many people in my family, old people, my family, they just, they don't give a

fuck. They're just telling stories about everybody. This person did this and this person did this and back in the day was that because what do they have to lose? They're not, you know, fearful of being politically correct. So let me get this straight. You're not supposed to be, you're supposed to, you're not supposed to be a snitch. You're supposed to keep your mouth shut and all of that shit. Your whole fucking life. And then in the end, when everybody, do you know what the fuck I mean? Well, I don't know. How I was brought up, which you didn't do that to people. No, not that street shit. Yeah. Like I said, I don't pop off. I flip out. But even in the hard streets of the suburbs,

I think for the podcast, when I lived in that cul-de-sac, you want to talk about dead end streets, man? You had to go out to my suburb. That street ended and all it was was beautiful woods into a lovely pond. Remember what lunch yesterday with mom and she like, did you hear her like kind of chastised me for not drinking water? No, but I wish I could have enjoyed that. And I drank a whole bunch of water, like the whole entire morning. And then they

automatically, they automatically filled up my glass again for more, all right, and asked for it. They just automatically filled it up. And my mom was like, do you want some water? And I was like, no, it's okay. And she like hits me on the arm. She said, you should be drinking water. And it's like, I drink water all goddamn day long. That was just a mother's love. I guess so. It's just annoyed me. Anyway, that has nothing to do with water. Hey, Nia, you should drink more water. Ow.

I literally drink water all day long. Oh, nobody notices. Why in that moment she had to like, I don't know, it literally has been bothering me since yesterday. Oh, it has been? Yeah. Oh, then I wouldn't have slapped you on the wrist there if I knew it was really bothering you. It's just annoying. You want to talk about it, Nia?

No, I got it off my chest. Oh, there you go. See that's what I've learned about women. You just, oh, I didn't know that you just learned nothing about women. Yes, I have. You know nothing. You have no instincts. You have no intuition. I nailed that whole thing about how you guys stopped giving compliments when you get married. And you even said, fair enough. I don't remember that.

Of course you don't. Just like the cupcakes. You know what's fine. I'm going to stop doing Shafi and just say that I did it because you're not going to remember either way. And you're going to be like, wow, I must, I can't believe I keep forgetting that I have the greatest husband ever. I keep forgetting. He made me chocolate cupcakes. I'll keep forget. What if I can't, I can't believe that fucking sat through with that goddamn Kitchen 8. I wore a goddamn apron for you. What do I get for that? Huh? Nothing.

I'm sorry. I can't remember. Oh, look at your little sunflower icon. Isn't that cute? I've never noticed that. I didn't think that comes with it. So what's up? I mean, what's up? Seriously, why am I here? Cause I want you to see the underwear and I want you to, uh, you know, thank you, me on these.

There you go. And that's, that's the, uh, that's, that's the one advertiser we have today. Oh, great. Me on these, me on these matching fucking underwear is do, do, do me on these, me on these, put them on if you don't cares. You're fucking trapped in your relationship or the food. She don't give a shit. She's not going to remember if you made a cupcakes. So just fucking tell her that you did. Cause you're a loser. All right. You want to look, you want to look good in here with your significant others this Valentine's Day, right?

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Our anniversary is coming up. Yeah. And we don't even officially know the date. No, we don't. No, we don't. I mean, do we always say it's Valentine's Day? No, we don't. And we never go out on Valentine's Day. No, we usually go out a couple of days after when the price has come back to some sort of sensible, you know, you can get a table. Right. Valentine's Day, you go to Wendy's that night. They're like, we're sorry,

it's going to be like a 45 minute wait. But we never came up with like, I guess we just now, our anniversary is our wedding date as opposed to like the first time we ever hung out, right? Yeah. Neither one of us are big on dates. No, but one of us is a little bigger on cupcakes than the other, but it was February 14 years ago. Wow. Yep. That's so crazy. 14 years. What have you still looking? You're still looking great. And I'll tell you that.

And I already knew that until that little, little fucking display, he had just put on, Oh, make you cupcakes. All right. Let's stop this. This is annoying people. All right. Thank you to the Conan O'Brien show. Forget me on, on Monday, even the much as it was painful for me to sit there, I think Philly fans deserve that, you know, after all the shit they've got because of that rant, which I said once again was not, wasn't personal. It wasn't personal.

It was, that's a funny thing. Cause now people are going, that's like the guy who fucking finishes the marathon in like nine hours. It's like, yeah, dude, I could have walked it in that that amount of time. Also that audience deserved it. Who did the audience and Philly, they deserve your wrath. Yeah, they did. They were assholes. Yeah. You know, it's funny. Most of them probably have kids now and they're raising little asshole kids, but you know something? Not all Philly fans are like that.

I remember Kevin, Shay is a nice guy. Oh, you know, Shay, you, I remember those guys on always sunny. Yeah. They're nice guys. I didn't see them doing. Yeah. They weren't tipping over any cars and stuff. Oh my God. Um, I remember you called me after that whole thing and Philly happened and you were like, I have a massive headache. And I said, what happened? He like, I just got into a fight with like 10,000 people. I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

10,000 people you did. You call me right after it happened. I'll never forget it. And I was like, oh my God, whoa. And then it just blew up. And I feel like that's right. You were at my apartment. I was my road home with Bobby Kelly. He was going, dude, do you guys wait for him tonight, dude? Yeah. I was like, Bobby, I got a headache. Yeah. You told those people to go fuck themselves, dude. You know what Bobby Kelly had to follow that night? Bobby Kelly had to go on after

the intermission where they, somebody with an ear infection drained it, somebody else drank it and somebody who watched it puked. This isn't Philly. Yeah. What is going on with the P in that, that guy that ate horse shit? Like what is going on? No, no, no, no. Well, what is going on over there? Seriously. You know what happened to Philly was when they built nine interstate 95, they got bypassed. Okay.

So I just think that they're just stuck in time, a back in a time when people ate horseshit. I don't know. I don't know. I think there's something there. There's either some sacred burial ground that they built the city on, or there's some sort of toxic waste, like the Simpsons thing going on. I don't know what their deal is, but all I know is they don't care that people don't like them and they're proud of their behavior. So I say, God bless them.

There's some really amazing people though out of Philly, right? If you had to eat horseshit, uh, the roots, that's not a person Jill Scott. That's a band. Um, all the black people. I know you're like really racist though. Kevin Hart, Keith Robinson, Kevin Hart. Yeah. He sold out the Eagles stadium. Yeah. And he was, he did stand up in a fucking football. Funny. He was so happy after they won. You saw him on TV drunk.

Talking about, no, that sounded hilarious. So it was pretty great. It was pretty great. He was very happy. Yeah. So that's the deal. I'm going to get mad. You know, my team can't win it every year. Right? Right. I think you're very gracious about it. You've like, that's the one thing you've actually mellowed out about as the years have gone by. I mean, backhanded compliment. Go ahead. That's the one thing I could actually say I see improvement on the rest of it is taking a fucking nose dive. No, you're very gracious when it comes to other teams. Yeah,

I don't, I don't take it to the point of like, like I said, I just, you know, what's his, I, I retweeted that, that, uh, Nick foals audio in the, uh, I'm not in the, in the huddle. It was great. Other than he said, I love you guys. I'm just like, why does everything have to be so fucking sweet? No. I would love to teleport Nick. I would have your responses in a funnel in an NFL game. I mean, I would have loved to have teleported him back to that fucking 1980 Super Bowl

team when they were playing the Raiders and just be, okay, before we do this first play, I just want to say I love you guys. Right. And just say, we'll, we'll, but Montgomery look at him cry when they win the Super Bowl and stuff. You can't say, I love you. Now, when I was six, not when I was a kid, they didn't, they didn't think anybody actually had emotions when you were a kid that all of a sudden it's a new millennial thing to have emotions and express them. Men did not cry when I was a kid that I saw.

I saw the Celtics win three championships. I saw the Lakers win five. I saw the Pistons went to, you know, the first time I think I saw a guy cry was Jordan. It was cause his dad died and he wasn't there and that was understandable. You know what I mean? But he didn't just cry cause he won. He said that angry look on his face going like, yeah, fucking five, fucking six. And you always seem to win it on the road. And you know, he's looking at some little kid who was crying. He got off on it.

He got off on being me. That's what a man was back then. Okay. First of all, just want to say I love you guys. I want to just take time to just, everybody knows how much way to offensive line has lost. You guys, you know, you were really, you know, I dare you coming out of your football pants at the beginning of the year. And now you're just looking so shapely dare you. And your next show, at the end of the show, when you say good night, I dare you to say love you guys. Good night. I dare you to say it. Are you kidding me?

I'm a fucking do that for 10 minutes until everybody just got so uncomfortable on the left. Do it. I want you to do it. The show's over, but I just want to take some time to just speak from the heart. You know, my life has changed a lot in the last year and in a great way. I became a father and I look at the world a different time, different way. And I've noticed the whole thing. You can just be like, all right, good night. No, it has to be a big thing because then they're going to expect that there's going to be this punchline that never comes. Right.

And this is you going on and on about how much love you have in your heart. And don't forget to look at this. Don't forget to look at the sky today, everybody. You know, it's those little things that we take for granted. If you get some of that fucking pomegranate on my jacket, Oh, all right. He was in my jacket as a table. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, the second this podcast is over, we're going to do a dry run and put you a little fucking booty shorts on

just to make sure we're in, we're in sync. Oh, oh, oh, was that what in sync? Oh, that was the new kids. I almost said the right boys. I can never keep this. Joseph McIntyre. I'm like, the right stuff. You got the right stuff. That's right, baby. Okay. Well, I think that might, the way you turn me on. Sorry.

I think you're going to keep going. Yeah, but you were up that age. Those boy bands, they caught you, right? Mr. Telephone. New edition. And then, you know, the white new edition also known as new kids on the block. And wait a minute, wait a minute. What are you talking about? The Ozmonds came before new edition. What? No.

New edition had the same manager. Okay. As new kids on the block and their manager, Marie Star, said he wanted to make a white pop crossover version of new edition. Well, then don't get mad. Don't get mad at white people. That was a black guy's idea. Who said I'm mad at white people? You were doing that fucking Elvis shit. New kids on the block have always given props and respect to new edition their whole entire careers. That's good because I would hate to know that those two bands are fighting.

I'm just saying it's, it's a nice thing. All right. We have a new edition got screwed. They really, really did. Big time. So it's just nice that new kids on the block has always given them their props. Okay. I don't, I don't, why, I got all weird. I'm not weird. It feels weird. Well, that's because you live in a place of fucking awkwardness and anger. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question?

Sincerely, is it ever you? Is it always me in my world of awkwardness and anger and negativity? As you say, I woke up this morning, I do what I do. I fucking changed my daughter's diaper, right? But hanging out with her, I'm watching cartoons. This is all the great shit that I've done today. And this is what all she, all she talks about, all she just, just dials into is my, is my fucking anger.

Right. And I haven't even lost my shit yet today. So when I burned my hand in the kitchen, which is not why I yelled, fuck. I was, because I was putting the fucking key in one of my videos. Fuck. I was why, because I was putting the fucking key in one of my thermos. And, you know, and it always falls down in between the, the stupid, the burners. And you said, that's why you're screaming obscenities. Yeah. Cause I went out before it fell off the spoon and it went all the way down. You had to clean it up and I just went, fuck. And you went the other room.

You're like, what? I was like, I burned my hand. No, you're a sweetheart because you've just given me a bunch of compliments. And I love you and you're fantastic. Yeah. And yeah, that really doesn't hold any water. You've been trashing me, but you've been less three times been on the podcast. You make it sound like you're emotionally held captive here when you're running the deal. Yeah. Listen to that laugh. That is the laugh of somebody that's running a fucking relationship. All right.

That's the podcast for this week anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Should today just be our anniversary? All right. Why can't we just say the seventh? I'll remember that. Well, what day is today? Well, it's the eighth. What kind of life are you leading that you don't even know what fucking day it is. You have the nerve to talk about me. What month is it? Quick, quick. There you go. Show a history month. Shouldn't you be like light and candle every day?

Don't they make a giant black menorah with 28 candles and giant black menorah? No, I, uh, no. And on this day in 1932, I'm reading stories to low every day about African-American Americans invented the shoelace, which was later taken credit was taken by the white man. But actually it was three women who were good at math of African descent. February 9th. The first steamship was actually built by a Native American with African blood. Robert Fulton killed that person and said, I invented the steamship.

This happened February 9th, 1845. Is that it? February 9th, 1804. Thomas Jefferson finally gave into his desires. Hopefully it was her desire to, but that's not how it worked back then. Yeah. Where are you performing next? The Patrice O'Neill benefit or Patrice O'Neill benefits. There's, there's a 54 tickets left, uh, something like that. Um, that's on February 20th. My next one is going to be in Santa Barbara,

Santa Barbara, which is actually named in African-American named it in 1972. I people took it over cause they liked the view of the beach. Are you, uh, are you flying to Santa Barbara? Have you decided? Yes, I am. I'm flying, flying a heliocopter out there. Are you flying there and then flying back? So can I come? There's no room for you. What do you mean? There's no room. There's no room. You and the co-pilot and the opener. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I guess that's that then. No, two openers. Two openers. Yes. We're flying out there.

One of them is Verzi and I'm going to be fucking dying laughing cause he hates to fly and it's going to freak him out that I'm on controls, even though we're going to have the co-pilot there. He's going to be freaking. Well, tell whoever the other person is that's coming with you to film him. Oh yeah. When we first going to Harvard, cause you know, when first time you go to Harvard, that's one of the weirdest feelings ever. Yeah. Other than realizing that you're attracted to me 15 years ago,

14 years ago, that must have been, am I attracted to that orange headed weirdo? Who's so negative? Well, that's nice, Nia. That's a nice thought. And you wonder why I live in a world of anger and awkwardness. No, no. The, when I first saw you the first time ever, I saw your freckles really, really handsome. And I was like, oh, what were you like? That's, that's what I always know. And then we didn't get together until like five years later. So it was meant to

be. Oh, you like me. I met, I met my wife in an alley behind the first in an alley behind the Apollo. Yeah. That's the first I was going in to do stage area. Yeah. I was going in to do show time with the Apollo. My dad had booked you on it. Showtime at the Apollo. My dad used to book the comedians on it. Showtime at the Apollo. My dad is actually known bill longer than I have. And, um, I saw, he was like, Oh, I got this funny white boy from Boston on the show. And I was like, Oh, okay, cool. I just graduated from college and I went

back there and you said hi briefly. And I was like, Oh, he's really good looking. And then when I saw you years later on tough crowd, I immediately recognized you. I was like, Oh my God, that's the guy that I met at the Apollo with my dad. Yeah. And then you were such a jerk to me. I wasn't, I kept trying to ask you out. You were such an asshole. No, no, that's not how it went at all. I would even look at me. You in the oven. I was looking over and I was like, think of something to say something with something saying you was staring

straight ahead like those fucking guys in London with the big furry hats expressionless. I was probably trying to play hard to get, but you also had a girlfriend at the time and I had a boyfriend. No, I didn't. Yeah, you thought I did. No, you did. And then when we ran into each other at the party for Chappelle show, that's when you told me you didn't have a girlfriend. But when we first met, you did have a girlfriend. Yeah, but I didn't fucking ask you why when I had a girlfriend. Well,

then I'll write that. I know, but you're still looking. So what? I can look. I was looking too, even though I had a boyfriend, but we didn't do anything until after we were both till after exactly. Yeah. Jesus. I thought you were going to go all Quincy Jones there. Oh, listen, when you kick the bucket, you kick the bucket, you wait to fill in all the I would never do that to you. But I do, why would I give a shit? I'd be dead. I do imagine myself. No, I don't want to.

First of all, I don't ever want to think about you dying before me. That would be too much. Well, it's going to happen. I'm 10 years old and you're an animal guy, but I do take better care of myself than you do. Wait, I do. I do the elliptical. I swear to God, you eat quinoa for three weeks and you think you're some fucking like you really need to knock it off. Fair enough. You're like, Oh, wow. I just ate quinoa.

I have so much energy. Yes, Bill. We are all aware of like the health benefits of your jealous of my new healthy diet. I'm not jealous. Yes, you are. You're always nosing around the little fucking rabbit with your nose wiggling. Like, wait, what are you eating over there? What are you eating over there? I'm just curious what you're doing. Cause yeah, you're, you're doing really well with your diet and stuff, but I just, you think that you like were the first person that discovered

quinoa, the way you go on and on about that's not what I think. What do you think? I think I went to the dentist yesterday and found out that I was supposed to do 16 weeks of Invisalibur because I've left these things in sometimes even during shows, spitting on the front two fucking rows cause I want to get this over with. He says it's only going to be 13 weeks and I just put in tray number nine, bitch. I got another month of these fucking things.

That's it. Yeah. You just, you know, excited I was when I got, remember when I got, remember when I got your teeth fixed? All this shit that I've done for you. Please don't put it that way. All this shit that I've done for you. But if I see one more fucking piece of clothing that you just had to have, that you just frisbee down at a fucking goodwill for some homeless guy to traipse around and while he's looking to get his fucking junk. All right. I got to get off. I have to get on with my fucking day here.

This has been the podcast. We're going to now play a little bit of music and then you're going to listen to another half hour of bullshit from a Thursday podcast earlier this year, 10 years ago. I don't know how it works. That's it. All right. Have a wonderful weekend. You can't sit once again. Congratulations to everybody at Philly. Please don't eat excrement from an animal. Hey, I'm just one and my own.

Hey, I can't leave you here tomorrow. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 8th, 2010, one day after Super Bowl 44. Well, usually I don't begin my podcast with a warning, but I'm going to this week. If you live anywhere near Indianapolis, you want to shut this thing off right now. Okay. If you're one of those fantasy football playing douchebags with your stats and your Peyton Manning poster hanging above your fucking bed,

you want to shut this thing off right now. All right. Because this podcast is dedicated to you guys. You fucking cunts who I've been telling you for the last five fucking years that Peyton Manning is overrated. I even went off on him last week. Last week I went off on that guy and you cannot believe the emails that I got from people all just fucking not only defending Peyton Manning, but brushing off Tom Brady and his three Super Bowl rings as if, oh, you can plug anybody

into that system. You know, but Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, he threw, he threw for 50 fucking touchdowns during what he threw five touchdowns against the fucking Buccaneers in November. I said it last week, Peyton Manning is a regular season statistical juggernaut. All right. If you want to know who the fuck that guy is, if you're still confused, the fuck is there an invasion? You hear that shit?

That's what happens out here in fucking LA. Somebody probably just robbed a convenience store. They got a little overboard out here. Dude, I'm telling you right now, if you want to know who Peyton Manning is, you want to know who that fucking guy is? Picture this, if Dan Marino fucked Brett Favre, their baby would be Peyton Manning. That's who he is.

Okay. And this asshole had only won one fucking time his whole career and all these analysts on TV was ridiculous. They're all going, you know, I'm telling you right now, you know, if he wins here, you're, you're, you're arguably looking at one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time because of what? Based on what? Based on what?

His regular season stats. This guy fucking chokes every year in the fucking playoffs. He's only one once. He's only one once and everybody's just fucking talking about it. And all you assholes who fucking emailed me this week, where are your emails now? Huh? I emailed each and one of you, every one of you fucking back and I

never heard it from you. You know, maybe you're still fucking stunned. Maybe you're still fucking confused. So you know what? You know what I'm going to do just for all of you fucking idiots out there who think that Peyton Manning is the greatest fucking guy ever. Totally disrespecting Tom Brady. I mean, Tom Brady has to wear, you know, he has to wear a fucking

welder's mask at night to go to sleep. That's how fucking bright his room is from those three championship rings. And you guys still disrespect him. The analysts on TV still disrespect them. They never talk about him the way they talk about Peyton Manning. All that counts is what the fuck you do in January. You know, nobody talks about Terry Bradshaw. You guys ever watch Super Bowl 10?

It's up on fucking YouTube. Watch that game. Terry Bradshaw, if you looked at his numbers, you fucking stat boy pussies, if you looked at his numbers on paper, you wouldn't think the guy was shit. You'd be like, well Peyton Manning, he's like twice as good as this guy. He's closing in on 50,000 yards. All Bradshaw has is 25,000 yards.

Yeah. And four fucking rings. Super Bowl 10 Terry Bradshaw fades back to pass in the fourth fucking quarter gets knocked unconscious, gets a concussion. Okay. And on that play that he got a concussion, he throws a 50 yard strike to Lynn Swan for the go ahead fucking score. All right.

That's what the great ones do. And nobody ever brings up Terry Bradshaw. What the fuck has he ever done by other than win four fucking Super Bowls? So just in case you guys are still confused about your boy Peyton Manning, I'm going to read you some of his stats, the stats that fucking count. All right. Here we go.

The greatest quarterback of all time. I got a little music for you this week. All right. December 30th. Such an obnoxious ass. This is Carly Simon, by the way, singing. Nobody does it better. You know, this is what all the analysts have been singing for the last fucking

10 years of this guy's career. December 30th. All right. Kicks ass in the regular season. Dolphins beat the Colts 2317 overtime wildcard game. Oh, whatever, whatever. That's his first trip to the playoffs. He'll get better.

2002. Colts lose 41 nothing in a playoff route against the New York Jets. J E T S jets, jets, jets. This is the greatest quarterback of all fucking time potentially with one fucking ring. Everybody tune in and watch and see how he does against the Saints. Let's look how he did. January 8th, 2004 Colts lose 24 14 to the New England Patriots.

Greatest fucking quarterback potentially of ever one fucking ring. Well, you see his footwork. He's unbelievable. I'll show you his hand-eye coordination. He's got the pedigree. January 16th, 2005 Colts again lose to the Patriots 20 to three. Greatest fucking quarterback of all fucking time. January 15th, 2006 Colts lose to the Steelers 21 to 18.

Greatest quarterback of all time and right around then people start going. Oh, is this another Dan Marino? But no, the next year he finally fucking shows up. Finally grows a dick comes back 21 points down against the Patriots wins his first Super Bowl and then I'm thinking, okay, he's a fucking man now. Right. I'm going to see some Montana shit. I'm going to see some some fucking Terry Bradshaw.

I'm going to see some Tom fucking Brady. What's he do the next year? He loses at home to the San Diego Chargers. All right. Maybe he had a fucking hangover. Maybe he had a fucking hangover. What's he do the next year? Greatest quarter fucking quarterback ever loses to the eight and eight

Chargers at fucking home. Right. And you hear this song? This is what these fucking analysts have been just continue to sing. He's the new Brett Favre. Brett Favre can do no wrong. Throws against his body over the fucking middle. And what does Tom Jackson say?

Well, you know, he's never been afraid to lose the game. He fucking blew it. He mushed those Vikings purple nuts right into the fucking ground. And they're still fucking rubbing his goddamn Mississippi cock. I'm sick of it. So here you go. He goes up against the lowly Saints. They've never won a fucking thing in 40 fucking years of being in the

league. What's going to be the difference? Peyton Manning. I'll tell you, I got to go with Peyton Manning. Oh, Peyton Manning's this Peyton Manning's that Peyton Manning lost the fucking game yesterday. The final drive. I got a question for you.

Indianapolis fans. Does Tom Brady throw a pick six at the end of the Super Bowl? Does Joe Montana throw a fucking pick six? Does Terry Bradshaw? Does Ben Rothless Burger, one of the most overlooked quarterbacks of all time, sitting at home with fucking two rings? Does he? No, he doesn't.

All right. So fuck all you fucking idiots out in Indianapolis. There you go. How was that? Did you like that? Right in your fucking ass. God bless the Saints, everybody, huh? Dude, did they say Drew Brees' name?

What, maybe three times when they finally figure out he's going to win the game, then they're like, oh, by the way, Drew Brees is about to break Tom Brady's, you know, single fucking Super Bowl record for completion. There I got it out. I got a little stuttered there for a second, but I got it out. Unbelievable. Unfucking believable. You know something?

This is how fucking bad. And not even bad. How fucking I predicted that. I actually got Keith Robinson to fucking apologize to me. Keith Robinson, classic black dude, doesn't like white people, hates cops. Okay. There's no reason for him to apologize to me. He actually apologized.

He goes, you know what? You're right. You were right about this guy. I feel vindicated. Vindication. What a great emotion. So there you go. There you go.

Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints. Okay. And I know what it feels like to fucking have a great team and nobody even fucking talks about you. Did they even bring you guys up for half a second? Oh, by the way, I'd be grateful to Funkin City. The amount of shit that you guys have been through down there. How many Super Bowls have been played in New Orleans?

How many times have you seen people from other cities come to your town and feel the joy of winning a championship and you just sat there, you know, with your beads and your chicken foot and your voodoo going? When the fuck is it going to happen for us? Well, it finally did. Congratulations. You totally fucking deserved it. Your defense was the shit.

Even when the Colts receivers were catching balls. I mean, you guys were hitting them. They look like they look like many, many explosions. You were knocking them off their feet. Totally fucking deserve it. Can't be, could not be happier. Could not be happier. Not only did, you know, I know it feels like to wait for a fucking championship.

So congratulations to everyone down in New Orleans. And I also want to thank the Saints for fucking proven me right. Proving me right. There you go. There you go. All right. So all you fucking analysts. Hey, then you, any of you, uh, PAs at ESPN in Bristol, Connecticut, you listen

into this shit. Why don't you go play it to some of those jerk offs that you. You have on the fucking air who can't do anything. Dude, I'm telling you, they'll even go. I'm even watching a little bit of this shit this morning. Listen to me. I'm stuttering. I'm so fucking pissed right now.

They're still not saying Brady. What's his face? Peyton blew it. They keep talking about drop passes. Miss field goes. Get the fuck out of here. Pick six nail in the coffin. Thanks Peyton.

You know, he was going to lose. You see how tanned up he was? Oh Jesus Christ. It's going to be a great week. I feel fantastic. You know, especially as a fucking Boston fan, you know what I mean? I already watched, I watched the Lakers come in and win another one. You know, I watched the Yankees win number 27 was I actually going to sit here

and after watch the Colts win two and prove me wrong that maybe Peyton is puberty Peyton maybe is maybe Peyton is one of the greatest of all time. Fucking unreal. I had this one guy this week was sending me an email saying, you know what, dude, if, uh, if, you know, if Peyton played for the dolphins, I don't know what year this guy's talking. He said they definitely would win at least one championship. And if Brady went there, you know, it wouldn't have made a difference.

Yeah. Why wouldn't it make a difference? Brady only is cool under pressure. How many fucking Super Bowl says that guy have to fucking win on the last drive to get some respect? I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it.

And what about Ben Rathausberger who has twice as many fucking rings as Peyton Manning? Okay, let's look at Peyton Manning's brother Eli Manning against the Patriots. Tom Brady once again drives him down the field for the fourth fucking time for the go ahead score. Huh? Did Eli get nervous? No, he didn't.

Drove him right down the fucking field and did what his big brother didn't do. Oh, I would love to hear that awkward phone call today. Sorry. I'm sorry to everybody who doesn't listen. You know what? I'm not sorry. Fuck you. I was right.

I was right. Okay. This is the Monday morning podcast. I'm fucking strutting around like a goddamn rooster here. Love and life. Anyways, let's get down to the podcast here. Um, last week I worked in, uh, I worked in Irvine, California. And, uh, I worked at the, uh, the improv for the first time.

It's just south of Los Angeles and, uh, I gotta tell you something. You guys ever watch that show, uh, the real housewives of the OC? Of course you don't. Why would you? All right. But do you have a woman in your life who dominates the TV once a fucking week whenever that show comes on? You know, you can't help but see it, right?

I remember watching that show going like there's no fucking way. You know what I mean? You know, it's a TV show. They take the extremes of different areas and the dumber you. I like the, like the Jersey Shore thing. You're sitting there going, you know what? There's no fucking way. People are that goddamn stupid.

And then what happens? You go on YouTube and you see bootlegs, bootleg cameras, you know, shots of the Jersey Shore and you're like, holy shit. There's an element of truth to this. Now I'm not saying everybody in the OC is a 63 year old cougar with their face yank back, but, uh, wow. After, uh, after one of my shows, I had a group of women coming up to me who collectively, I think their age was about 606.

And, um, if you saw, I don't know, these plastic surgeons ought to get sued. Dude, these, you ever see Rihanna's mugshot? All right. It's not a mugshot. You remember the picture after she got the shit kicked out of her by, uh, Chris Brown or wherever the fuck his name is. You remember that? Just picture that face except wherever her face was swollen.

Just imagine if it was equally swollen on the other side of her face, like it was a symmetrical beat down. That's what that's what plastic surgery looks like. Rather than having one swollen up fucking eye, you got two and they're, and you're like, wow, what the, did this person get the shit kicked out of them? But because they're two and they're exactly perfect, you know, and, you know, Michelangelo is dead. You got to be like, well, he didn't kick the shit out of her.

This must be plastic surgery. I'm talking like my eyes were watering when I looked at their faces and, uh, they, and they all get like the, these, uh, those, those fucking lips. And, and they're not even, and it was a, it was a fucking nightmare. But anyways, uh, but you know me, so of course I bring that up on stage and it was like, uh, talking about plastic surgery in, uh, the OC in Orange County is like bringing up Scientology in Hollywood. It just gets really fucking quiet and awkward.

So anyways, but I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows and, uh, actually, you know what? I had one person come out, uh, you know, a lot of people who are in this business and a lot of people who aren't in this business, they try to act like they don't give a shit about fame and they don't care about celebrities. Well, I am not one of those people. I love famous people. And if they even look in my general direction and acknowledge me, it

actually fills me up inside. That's how fucking insecure I am. Right. So Thursday night, I'm doing my show down in, uh, down in, uh, what the fuck was I, Irvine, right? Yeah, Bill, we know you're there. We're not arguing. Just get to the fucking point.

All right. So I'm standing there after the show whoring myself out. I'm selling my DV DVDs. I'm shaking hands. I'm kissing fucking babies. Right. And all of a sudden this, like famous people, they just got that thing, man. I didn't even know who the fuck this was.

This woman comes up and really quickly, like two seconds just goes, Hey, I thought you were great and shook my hand. I felt the electricity and then she went away. I was like, God damn it. Who the fuck was that? I just got done shaking like fucking a hundred hands. Nothing. Nothing.

Regular all way accountant. Hey, plumber, eight ass college student. She comes up fucking unbelievable. Felt a connection. And then as she ran away, I'm looking at her. I'm like, you know, well, that looks like, uh, Tonya Cotain is how I was saying. I mean, evidently it's Tony Cotain and I walked in there and someone goes, Hey, did you, that was Tony Cotain?

I've, you don't know who the fuck that is. She was the best looking video girl for my money out of all the heavy metal movies of all fucking time, the white snake video, you know, the one she danced on the cars. I didn't like that one. I like what she danced at the foot of the bed with that little mini skirt, barely covering her little, uh, whatnot, you know, lifted her fucking leg up like a fucking show pony.

You know, I know that doesn't mean shit to you kids nowadays, but this was pre internet, internet porn and all that type of stuff. All you had was Victoria's secret and your imagination. I guess you could rent porn's at that point, but I was too fucking young and I was like, I can't go in there. Do you think I'm fucking weird? So I never rented one. Okay.

So that's as far down the fucking pussy rabbit hole I had been as far as video pussy and, uh, unbelievable, unfucking believable. So I don't know. You guys probably think that's a lame fucking story. I gotta tell you something when somebody who you used to jerk off to comes up to you 20 years later and says, Hey, great job. That's a special moment. You know, I had a lot of special moments this week.

I really did. You know what? I didn't want to beat on my car. I like saying that I don't want to beat on my car. The reality is I have a Toyota Prius and it has, uh, what looks like little breath mints for tires and I didn't feel like driving it down in the fucking rain. So I went out and I rented a car and I rented one of those dodge

challengers black on black. All it had was the V six. Just waiting for all the gear heads to get done groaning. Oh, dude, that's a fucking bitch. God, would you suck a dick after you drove that? It was a V six 3.5 liter. It still moved the car. It was, uh, I'm telling you, man, even if you get the V six, dude, you're

going to feel like fucking Steve McQueen in that car. That car is the shit. I think it's way better than the Mustang. I rented the Mustang when I was in, uh, Fort Lauderdale. So all I have left to rent is the new Camaro. I like all of those cars and, but I got to admit, man, the challenger, man, that fucking, you know what it is? It's the four front lights, four headlights in the front.

I don't even, I don't even know if one of them, you know, if two of them are just dummies or they just, you know, they're like blinker lights or something like that. I don't know what, but it just reminded me when I was a kid, that was a sign of status to me. You had the four headlights because I was always into the caddies. You know, in the late sixties one, they had the four, you know, the two and two and they were on top of each other.

And then for some stupid fucking reason in the seventies, they put them side by side and they just didn't fucking look right. But, um, I don't know. I would really, uh, I think I'm going to get one of those cars at some point. I got to find out how much they are and, uh, you know what I mean? Cause I'm an insecure guy. Man, that's a perfect car for a guy like me. You know, uh, look at me.

I'm a winner, right? I'm a winner. Dodge challenger 41, nothing. All right. Anyways, uh, let's get on with the podcast here. I got a lot of different, uh, sections to this. I'm hoping you guys are actually listening to this. If you are, that means I figured out my new podcast server that Mark

Marin of WTF podcast, who I'm going to try to have on as a guest, uh, in the next month. Um, this is my new server. It's costing me about 36 bucks a month and I'm still not charging for my fucking podcast. This is a little bit of guilt. So, you know, I figured you guys could pay me back. Don't steal my DVD online.

All right. Go on and order the fucking thing. I'm giving you a podcast every goddamn week. Now I'm not, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't expect anybody in Indianapolis or anywhere remotely related to Peyton Manning to buy my DVD, but the rest of you sons of bitches, just go on and pay for the damn thing. Okay.

We spent a lot of money on that. We gave you a bunch of extras or come out to one of my shows, pay me back that way. Okay. And whatever, if you're in between jobs right now and you're going through a rough time, here's some free fucking comedy. But when you hit it big, remember, remember who fucking held you up? Huh?

When you look down in the sand and there was only one set of footprints. That was when I carried you with my podcast. Look at me getting all biblical. Why are you getting biblical bill? I thought you don't believe in that shit. You know why? Cause I have a confession. I got a confession to make to you guys.

You know what I did on Sunday? And I think this is why. Peyton Manning got his fucking ass kicked. I actually hope you're all sitting down at this point. I actually went to church on Sunday. After all the shit I talked about organized religion and all that shit. I actually went. I went to church.

I went to fucking church and I don't know why it's one of these deals. There's something about I haven't been drinking. I'm trying to clean up my act in the last 20 years. You know, I've just slowly become a complete piece of shit and I'm really trying to get back to who the fuck I was. You know, I used to be a good guy. I used to not be cynical. I used to believe in people.

I had hope. I gave the charities. You know, I was a fucking swell guy. You know, 20 years of being on the road, drinking, who was corrupt club owners fucking me over at the end of the weekend. You know, you start to, uh, I got no excuse, whatever. I'm weak. Um, so whatever.

So I was like, I don't know. I need to, uh, I need to do something good. So I was actually, this is how far I went. I actually considered going to confession and not even because I believe in this shit, I just wanted to see what the priest was going to say. Cause I never, you know, at the risk of burning some of my new material, I just never bought into that shit that like I have to talk to God through you, you know, no, you're, you're some sort of voyeur.

And you want to listen to all the fucked up shit I did as you look through the fucking screen pretending you're not looking at me. You know, plus I gotta admit, I kind of want to see how many our fathers and Hale Mary's I was going to get considering the last time I went to confession, it was simple stuff. Like I beat up my brother, you know, I had impure thoughts about my fucking, you know, whatever English teacher or some stupid shit. You know, why is that a sin?

Dude, I used to have this fucking language teacher when I was in middle school, we didn't have junior high. This fucking girl was so fucking ridiculously hot, right? And she used to wear these dresses with a slit going right up the fucking side, you know, it's a little Italian girl. She was short, so she'd wear the sky high fuck me shoes. You know, every once in a while, she'd give us a treat once a week, you know, she'd come in with those fucking things on.

It was, it was ridiculous. And not only that, she was, she was my French teacher. She's trying to teach me a different fucking language, right? So one week she comes in, she literally has a slit going up both sides. And she had this habit. She'd, she'd write whatever she wanted us to learn and she would step back. So she'd have one foot like, I don't know how to explain it. It's like, if you're a wide receiver and you're looking at the quarterback

checking for the audible, you got one foot in front of the other. That's what she's doing, but she's got a slit on both sides. So now not only do I see a slit on the outside of the leg, I can actually see the inside of her fucking thigh on the other side. I am in eighth grade. Okay. My dick is at, is fucking, you know, saluting the troops at that point. I'm not listening to what the fuck you're saying in English, forget about

French. Then she ends up calling on me as I'm sitting there with my little Woodrow Wilson, right? And she's like, uh, you know, fucking whatever the fuck she said in French and I had no, and I tried to play it off. Then she got all fucking mad at me because I lied to her and I didn't have the emotional maturity to be like, really? Why don't you put some fucking clothes on, sweetheart?

And maybe I'll pay attention to your fucking language lesson here. All right. You're standing here with half your fucking hoo-ha hanging out. You think I'm looking at chalk on the board? You asshole. But I didn't. I just sat there and stared at my books and she screamed at me and, uh, when she told me to go down the office, I did.

Didn't even put up a fight. Then I missed my bus home and then I walked home in the rain fucking saying all the shit that I wish I had the balls to say, but I didn't. All right. That was a sad memory. Okay. Let's plow ahead here. So anyway, so I decided I'm like, I gotta go.

I'm going to go to fucking church, right? I got, I got to start doing some, something good in my life. Something positive or whatever. And for some reason, I don't know why I'm going to church because I don't believe in this shit. I don't, but, um, I don't know. My girlfriend's mom goes to church every week. She's a sweetheart.

I'm like, you know, fuck this. I'm going to go to church with my girlfriend's mom. Huh? That's a nice thing to do, right? Didn't all my female listeners just go, whoa, didn't you just do that? Of course you did. It's a fucking nice thing to do. So, you know, and I'm going all out.

I haven't gone to God's house in like 20 years. So I'm like, what am I going to do? Go there with a button down and some jeans and some shoes. Fuck that. I broke out to tonight's show with Conan O'Brien suit. Remember that shiny one that some of you cunts bitched about? So my fault is fucking HD and you can see the inside of my nose. It looked good in real life.

Anyway, so I put that on. I'm looking like a fucking million bucks. Or maybe I'm looking a little Ray Liotta. I don't know how I'm looking, but I'm feeling good, right? Went to church and I walk in. What's the first thing I see? I see a big Jesus nailed on the cross, you know, and is he looking at me? No, he's looking down and I'm like, is he looking down because he's in pain?

Because he's slowly dying from this torturous device or is it part of the guilt? Oh, look what I did for you. Hope you appreciate it. You know, so my God, you think a negative bill. Don't think negative. This is a good day. It was a sunny day. You know, it's been raining out here.

LA is never more beautiful than right after it rains. Wow. That was the cheesiest thing I've ever said. I should just broken into a fucking song right there. Reminds me of my mother. No, you know what it is? It fucking, I don't know. It beats down all the smog and you can actually see out to the ocean.

It's fucking awesome. So anyway, so I sit down into the pew and I got to a mix kind of bring it back. Good memories. You know, we used to go with the family. I used to go to church every fucking week from like third grade till I was like 22. I don't think I missed a week and I go with my family and then afterwards we go to fucking Dunkin Donuts, dude. And we get from fucking donuts.

I don't know why we get a dozen donuts and then we go home have Sunday breakfast and then we all sit around eating donuts. It's what we did. It was a good thing though. It was a family thing. So part of it was like, wow, this is what I actually felt better that I was in there and right as I was starting to feel better. First fucking words out of the priest's mouth is he goes, Hey, thanks for coming out.

Everybody I see. I see you all came out here early to get it out of the way so you can watch the Super Bowl. That's what he says right off the back comes with the guilt. What do you mean get it out of the way? Fucking game comes on at 3 30 out here. What do you got a three o'clock mass you asshole? You don't.

I'm not getting it out of the way. How about this? I'm I made time for it. You fucking cunt. I still have to go to the grocery store and buy the fucking hamburger. I came here first. It was right out of his mouth. First thing he fucking says, I see you got all came here early to get it out of the way.

Wanted to suffocate him with that fucking smock he was wearing. I was like, no, no, no, no, you know, try to think fucking positive. Try to think positive. Stop looking at the negative because there is an element of this that does feel good. There's an element of this that feels right. So I'm still sitting there, you know. And then all of a sudden they start reading the stories and here comes the reader. You're not Catholic.

They always have a reader and they read a couple of a couple of little Jesus diddies. Sing a couple of songs and then the priest comes in and he fucking brings in home like the headliner. You know, reads a little bit of gospel. So I don't want this guy's doing if he's reading scripture. I don't know. I don't know the fucking words. I don't know the technical words.

So anyways, the reader for this week comes up. I swear to God, he's like fucking 45 years old and I shit you not. He's wearing a Boy Scout shirt. A fucking Boy Scout shirt and he has facial hair, a Boy Scout shirt and facial hair and you're in your 40s. Am I the only one who sees sex offender? You know, and you would think with the scandal that has gone through the Catholic Church, they'd be like, hey, dude, we appreciate you coming in here. But could you take off the fucking Boy Scout uniform?

Considering that's another organization that doesn't exactly have the greatest track record when it comes to little boys, right? But they don't. So I'm sitting there going, no, no, no, no, this guy's a good guy. This guy's a good guy. He stayed on the path of the right. Unlike you, Mr. Burr. This guy,

he stayed in scouting. All right. If he diddled somebody at this point, they would have figured it out. Maybe he's just a good guy who knows how to start a fire without a match. Let's listen to what he has to say. All right. And what does he do? He fucking goes up there and he starts.

This was basically the story. Jesus is standing on the edge of a lake as he always is. You know what I mean? James Brown had the cape. Jesus has the lake. Everybody's got this shtick. It's fucking show business, right? So Jesus is standing by the edge of the lake and there's a couple of fishermen.

Of course. Of course. There was like three jobs back then. You were a fucking blacksmith, a fisherman or a leper. Okay. So this is one of these fishermen stories, right? So the fishermen, Simon and some other fucking douchebag are sitting there cleaning out their nets and Jesus goes, uh, roll me out.

Roll me out, you know, 10 feet into the lake. And they go, absolutely. Wasn't like we weren't fucking busy over here cleaning up after a hard day's work. So they roll the dude out there. He's 10 feet offshore. And now he's preaching to the people on the shore from a robo, you know? I'm sitting there going, what a fucking arrogant ass. But I got to give it up to him.

That's a little show biz there. You stand on the beach, you're just regular. All of a sudden you're out there in the water, you know, all of a sudden it's like he's got a stage. So whatever. So now he's out there like the arrogant ass he is. He's standing up in the boat, which you're not supposed to do. You're not supposed to fucking do that.

He's just breaking the rule. Just like when you see a cop speeding in a fucking cruiser. Not using his directionals. He's not even on a call. What kind of fucking example are you setting? So anyways, he starts preaching. He's done preaching. He then tells these fishermen to take their nets and they go fishing and

they were like, wait a minute, son of God, not trying to step out of line here. I know, you know, you came out of that, that vagina that was never fornicated with, uh, you know, we've been fishing all day and well, you know, the risk of sounding crass, sounding crass. We haven't caught shit. So Jesus goes, am I not the son of God? Did I not just tell you to bring your fucking nets out here? And they, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, man. What was I thinking? Right. Okay. Right. The little casino moment. How about I stick your head to that little fucking hole? Yeah, you weren't laying.

That's why you had the fucking money ready, right? So they grabbed their fucking nets. I only know that quote cause Joe Derosa uses that line all the time. So they grabbed their fucking nets and they bring it out to the lake and they go fishing and what happens? Not only do they catch fish, they catch so much fucking fish that it almost breaks their nets and they're dragging them back and Jesus is the best shit ever.

And then he looks at him. He goes today you cut fish. Tomorrow you're going to fish for men and then they all walked away. Evidently leaving their fish behind to follow Jesus to go fish for men. Can you fuck? I mean, what kind of a fucking story is that? You're hungry. You wanted the food.

You're going to leave that to go try to pick up some dudes and I'm listening to this with some guy with a fucking Boy Scout fucking uniform on. I'm not making any of this shit up. I was waiting for them to start playing the weather girls. It's raining men. I don't understand. I know it's a metaphor. You're going to go fish for men.

It's fucking amway. We got to get somebody else to believe this shit. What a crock of shit. Yeah, and you didn't catch shit and then he said, hey, put your nets in. I was on me kind of bunch of him. He said, come on. Let's go tell it to more people so I can make more fucking money. And live rent free and not pay taxes.

So anyways, um, but I'm still feeling good. There's something about. There's something about going to church though. It's it's get me. It's get me in my chest is something that's still feeling good. Oh, I'm a master at telling story. Okay. I'm keeping the fucking the, the, the, the, the people, the blasphemy people in

this shit and I'm also keeping the Jesus freaks. I'm driving you right to the fork in the road. What is he going to choose Jesus? Or is he going to keep trash and organize religion? Hang in there. Here we go. Getting into the third act. So then the, uh, the priest there, the headliner, he comes up.

You know, and I'm thinking, all right, let's see. He reads the fucking gospel and everything. And now I'm waiting for what he's going to say and what does he do? He pops in a CD. All right. And all of a sudden we'll listen to some cardinal or some bishop from the Vatican doing a guest spot. And you know, and what does the guy saying?

He, he, he does some quick little bullshit up front going praise Jesus and praise him for blessing us on this wonderful day. And we should all give thanks to him and Jesus and Jesus, right? And when he's done saying that shit, little five minutes of that shit, just stroking you with the Jesus stuff. What does he do? Huh? Come on, people.

You haven't seen this episode before. What's his next move? What is the move after they butter you up and hit you with the guilt and tell you how thankful you should be for Jesus. What does he do? He starts hitting us up for money starts hitting us up for money for some of the poorer churches that aren't making it. And we got a quota.

We got a $41,000 quota and we didn't make it last year. You know, goes on and fucking on, right? And then right then my girlfriend's mother who's hilarious leans over. She goes, of course you'd have to come this week because she knows I think it's bullshit, right? Fucking guy in the Cub Scout uniform. Now they're asking for money. So we're laughing and then the priest, when they finally, you know,

he shuts off the boom box wherever the fuck I know it was a boom box, but they had it hidden. So it seemed holy, you know, then he spends the rest of his homily telling people, you know, where to fill in their credit card number, like in unbelievable detail. If you pick up the envelope in the front, if you look over there on the left, if you fill in your credit card, I'm sure a lot of you don't have your credit card numbers memorized, trying to make little fucking jokes.

You know, and one of the things was, you know, if you don't want this to be a monthly deduction on your credit card, just, you know, check the box. I love that. They're trying to get you every month and the only way they're not going to charge your card every month is if you do something. Then, you know, they're hoping all those fucking old people with hard of hearing, they're not going to check the fucking box. And then next month, I couldn't buy any Alpo, right?

They don't give a fuck. And then that was it. And then the mass ended, but there was something that still, I don't know, felt good. You know what it was when I walked out and they were having their little fucking bake sale and they were having their raffles and I bought my girl's mom a ticket to win some fucking pots and pans and shit. You know, it felt good because you were around good people.

And that's what I hate about religion is because the people who show up, they're good fucking people and they're getting fleeced. You know, you know, what's funny is actually I gave two bucks to, you know, bought a raffle ticket for the pots and pans and then we walked by another table and the ladies like, oh, you know, this one's only two bucks for this raffle and I look at their raffle and often it was one of those fucking, you know, Virgin Mary pictures with his like holy blood dripping down her face or something like that.

And it's like, I really don't want that hanging in my apartment. Okay. It's just creeping me out. I'll take some pots and pans, you know, I'll make a rump roast. Have a little get together, right? I'm not going to wash anybody's feet as they come through the fucking door. I'll leave that for Jesus. So anyways, there you go.

I actually went to church and I didn't buy into any of the bullshit that the fucking guys with the uniforms on were saying, but there was something that I kind of felt a little bit nice and evidently they're having a car wash. On Saturday, I'm going to go buy. I'll go buy. I'll get my fucking car washed. Why not car wash in my neighborhood. They're always protesting that they're not paying the fucking illegals.

To wash the car. So fuck it. I don't know. So there you go. That ought to spark some fucking discussion. One side's going to say I sold out and the other side's going to keep trying to push me towards Jesus. It's not going to work.

I know what the feeling was when I went in there. That's that overall natural spirituality that you're born with that organized religion. Okay, I'm going to give them a bent the benefit of the doubt that they started off with a good, a good purpose, but they hoard it out. They whore out that feeling when you do something nice, you feel good. You know, I felt good cause I was there with my girlfriend's mother and it was a nice thing to do and I wasn't hungover and I wasn't a douchebag the night

before I did my shows. Everything was good. I didn't hurt anybody. You know, I can do that without, uh, you know, you know, I can do that and still have a fucking chicken sandwich on on good Friday, whatever the fuck it is when I'm not, you know, tell me what to eat and when I can jerk off a fucking jerk off all I want. You cunts.

All right, let's get to the topics here. It's been a great fucking podcast. You got to give it up. Come on, man. It's been a great fucking podcast started off with some music. I got into religion. I'm feeling this one. And right now when I, you know what I'm doing right now?

You think you think I'm fucking pat myself on the back? I'm not. I'm actually killing time right now because I'm trying to get to the fucking what the hell is it? The questions for the week podcast quick questions. Click twice. All right, let's get into this. Let's get into this as quickly as we can and then I'm getting out of here.

All right. Oh, here's a new one. This is the, this is one that I like because as you can tell, I'm really into sports. I'm into sports the way I'm not into Jesus and is that how I spelled obscure? O B S C U R E. It's not a spell obscure. So you spell anything that's fucking that looks weird.

That made sense to my brain when I wrote that. You know what's funny is I'm so fucking stupid that might even be right. But now I'm looking at it and it just looks wrong. You ever do that? You ever actually spell it right? You're like, there's no fucking way I got it right. I'm too stupid. And then you look it up on the internet like, holy shit, I got it right.

I actually got it right. I wish I could retain that information because I know goddamn well the next time I write it, I'm going to go through the exact same process again. That happens to me with that the word restaurant. I can never remember is it's R E S T A U R A N T or R E S T A R A U N T. I can always figure out where the U goes. All right, here we go. You know, that's that's that's what I get for saying it's a great podcast.

Now it's going to fucking Peter out. All right, obscure movies, bands and books. If you guys have read a great book, if you've seen a really cool band and if you've seen a really cool movie that is not, you know, I mean, don't don't fucking recommend Lord of the Rings. Okay, let's check out this band. You too. You know, they got a pretty good catalog.

You know, just some shit that is, you know, under the radar a little bit. Here's one for you that one of my brothers actually recommended. They recommended the movie The Conversation that stars Gene Hackman, a young Harrison Ford and that fucking dude who plays Fredo. I can never remember his name, but he is the greatest IMDB I've ever seen in my life. Okay, go look it up. You know, he died tragically young of some disease.

It's fucking horrible, but you can't mess with his IMDB. He never did any meet the parents bullshit. This guy was in the Godfather. Then he did the conversation. Then he did the Godfather part two. Then he did dog day afternoon and then he did the deer hunter and then he tragically passed away. It's not even tragic.

He did it. There's no reason for him to continue. God was the shit. I was actually reading up on him. I guess he was one of the reasons why, you know, Al Pacino moved down in New York to become an actor and he was like his best friend. It was a really sad story. He was engaged to Meryl Streep.

Phenomenal actor and I don't even know his name. Very tragic, whatever, but The Conversation is a great movie. And I think it's very, uh, it holds up and it's very high. I don't even know what the fucking word is of this time. Whatever the word is to say that. All right, here's something somebody else recommended. Somebody said, uh, he's a couple of movies recommend you their Woody Allen pictures, uh, that not a lot of people talk about.

One of them is called whatever works. I'm not going to describe it because I'll ruin it. All I'm going to say simply say is it's worth a watch. If you've not already indulged. Also, have you seen the flick Allen did a few years ago, a few years ago called match point. Definitely not your average Woody Allen picture, but it was really good. So I'm going to check those out.

And, um, somebody actually this weekend recommended. I can't remember. Sylvester Stallone. I talked about people getting microchipped and they were trying to say that Sylvester, like demolition man. Was that the name of it was saying that movie was so on point as to what the fuck is going on right now. And they basically talked about the phasing out of cash and everybody

getting fucking microchipped. And if you fuck with the deal, they turn your chip off. I think it was called demolition man. If anybody knows what the name of it is, please let me know and I'll, I'll reconfirm it next week on the podcast. And here's a book that somebody's saying, um, if you don't want to read Socrates, this woman from Germany, I thought that was really cool. Somebody from Germany is actually listening to this actually recommended

this saying Socrates is really dry, obviously, because it was fucking 9,000 years ago. And, um, so they said, if you want to, I have a better read for you, which is based on the great philosophies of Socrates, Socrates, Aristotle and Plato, uh, it's called Sophie's world is the name of the book and has the same core ideas and it really takes you to the edge of your mind. How great is that to describe a book? It takes you to the edge of your mind.

See, I love stuff like that. There's no fucking way. I'm not going to read that Sophie's world. It's spelled S O P H I E S. Come on, man. Start reading. Stop being a dumb fuck like me. Come on, everybody.

Let's, let's try to, let's try to try to improve ourselves. You know, I'm trying. I went to church. I tried not to fucking heckle. Dude, you know, it was funny when I was there is I was saying prayers. I had not seen said in like 20 fucking years and this is one pray prayer after the homily at in Catholic church that is like it takes a minute or a minute and a half for everyone to say and it's like and it goes on something

like we believe in one God, the father almighty, the maker of heaven. And earth of all that is seen and unseen, the ba ba ba. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it was like one of those things where like I was just, I was just reciting it like a fucking zombie to the point I was laughing because I couldn't remember it. But as people were saying around me, I was just right on it, you know, kind of like when there was a song, if you're really into this band in high school and you hadn't listened to the song in 20 years and all of a sudden

it comes out and you just fucking find in the words like where the fuck are these coming from? It's because they get they had embedded in my head 20 straight fucking years and not missing mass or whatever it was 14 years. All right, here's his last thing I'm going to read for this week and then I'm going to do some overrated underrated. All right, here's some advice. Somebody's asking me about a brother over there.

Dear Bill, since you have no idea who I am, I don't mind writing to you and explaining my current problem. I'm experiencing with a certain female and since you don't know me, you'll probably be more than honest. You'll be more honest than the girls I tell this story to. Okay, here's the deal. I'm currently chasing this girl that I've known for a year who for some reason goes through phases where one day I'm the greatest thing ever.

And then for the whole next, I could die from cancer and she wouldn't blink an eye. She also has a tendency to make me jealous on purpose for no reason at all. I've confronted her on the issue and her explanation was that she hates when I get jealous. All right, right there, dude. She is standing on top of an old Victorian house waving the beware

I'm a cunt flag. All right, dude, you got to get away from this girl. This is that you know what this girl's deal is. She wants to be in a relationship. She doesn't want to be in one with you, but she doesn't want to be alone. All right. And in the back of a head, she knows she's wasting her time by hanging out with you rather than going out trying to find Mr.

Right. So what she's doing is, is rather than dealing with that herself is she's taking it out on you. You know, and another thing she's doing is really sadistic is she knows that you like her and she's playing you, you know, just playing with you playing with your fucking mind and just trying to see the shit that she can get you to do. Fuck her.

All right. This, you know, you want to fuck that girl. This is the girl. You got to walk away from her walk away from her. Go hang out with your buddies. If you don't have any buddies, go get some buddies. Go hang out in a bar and do what I always say to do. All right.

Cause you're wounded right now and you're going to be in the bar and you can be feeling that. Well, these girls don't make me feel the way this other girl does. Fuck that. You got to beat that feeling down and you beat it down with alcohol and hitting on girls. You don't give a shit about getting the fucking game. It's going to build up your self-esteem.

Now I'm not saying be mean to these other girls. Don't take out your heartbreak that this other fucking chick gave you. Don't take that out on these other girls because then you become a cunt to go out there and fucking find out how your personality works. You know, it's going to build up your self-esteem. Next time she sees you, you got a fucking broad on each arm. She's going to get competitive next thing you know, your dick is in her fucking mouth.

Okay. And you finish in there son. All right. Sorry, man. I stood up. I stood up. I started feeling like a fucking coach. I went a little big there.

Don't finish unless she says it's okay. All right. But if you bang or definitely wear a condom, you have fucking respect for yourself. You have respect for your body. All right. Go out there and talk some shit son. You had shoulder pads that be fucking banging on right now and send you out

right through the fucking tunnel into some meat market. Okay. Overrated underrated for this week. Overrated. This guy says children right off the bat. I love this guy. He said, I'm sick and tired of people doing shit for the children. We got to do it for the children.

I understand that you need to look after infants and toddlers, but I remember being nine, 10 and 11 and at that age, I really didn't give a fuck. I was too busy trying to hump some girl behind a garage all the while trying not to get caught by the people who were supposedly looking after me. My parents. Half of the little twats just want to fucking eat cookies and ice cream and play Xbox 360 all day. So I say, fuck the kids.

Help the adults that are struggling with bills and shit. I love that. What a fucking great guy. I love it because he was speaking from his heart and right in the end, it petered out with his ignorance. Fuck the kids and help the adults who are struggling with bills and shit. I love and shit. It really just knocks it down by fucking 90 IQ points right down to my level.

All right, I'll go with that one. Exactly. Why don't we help out the fucking people without jobs? And then this is how this is other one underrated. He says whores and he's spelt it H O A R S. I think that's hilarious because isn't boars spelt with a B, which is a pig. You know, which is another fucking derogatory term from a woman. So he's kind of combined whores and boars whores.

H O A R S. He said there's nothing like a good whore H O A R. She will make you appreciate a good woman. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at a stripper or some country little whore and thought to myself, thank God. She goes, she goes home to some other dumb fuck. Wives and girlfriends hate them, but until you spend the night at a club full of skanks and whores, you can't really appreciate a good woman.

See, I like that because it's actually positive for women. That's right. That's absolutely right. I totally agree with you on that one. And that's the podcast for this week and I'm not going to go along because I think this was a fucking great one. I had a blast on this fuck. Did I say a blast?

How fucking old am I? Hey, I had a rocking good time. No, I did. I feel fucking vindicated. So fucking vindicated. Peyton Manning was exactly who the fuck I thought he was. And they were crowning him king crowning him fucking king. And I'm not saying that that dude won't eventually become king,

but you got to do some shit first. That's all part of that marketing shit where they're selling. They're just selling you like before they ever do it. You know, fucking guys coming to the lead. They get a sneaker contract before they gain a yard. It's bullshit. Win the Super Bowls. Win them in the end.

Drive your team down the field. Tie up the score winning it over in overtime and then I'll give it up to you. I'm not that much of a homer where I'm going to be. I'm going to be a cunt, but you got to fucking do it first before people say you're the greatest. All right. I know I repeated myself, but you know, it's not. It's not a lot of times in life when I'm fucking right and I was right on that.

So congratulations to the Saints and all the fans of the Saints and all that. It was fucking awesome to see that you guys deserve it. Hope you make a bunch of fucking money down there and you rebuild the houses and you give them back to the fucking people who previously owned them rather than the cunts who want to build cheesecake factories down there. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you guys next week. Have a wonderful week.