Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-9-17

Episode Date: February 10, 2017

Bill rambles about the art of knocking, sleeping on the road and Duke vs UNC.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you, seeing how your week's going. How's your week going?

Did your fucking team have another championship parade like mine did? Well, you know what? I wish it did. Why the fuck should my town have all the goddamn success? You know, it's fucking unbelievable. I still can't believe you won that fucking game. But I'm not going to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about it. I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina, came in a day before the Comedy Zone gig. I went to the Charlotte Hornets versus the Brooklyn Nets. You know, and when you try to go to a home game, sorry, I don't have my fucking microphone, so I'm just recording right off my laptop. So anytime I click on something, it might be a goddamn issue.

But when you're trying to do what it is that I've been doing, which is to basically go to all of the... to go to a home game of every fucking team and all four major sports, every once in a while, you got to go to a game that's not the best game. You got to go see a couple of franchises that even though they've had their moments, this is not their time. They are there currently rebuilding. And that's what happened when we saw the Charlotte Hornets play the Brooklyn Nets a couple nights ago. Jesus Christ. It was just like...

I don't know what it was. It was like a fucking WNBA game. WNBA at its worst in the first couple of seasons. You know, they just didn't look good. I mean, they look way better now, the fundamentals and all that if you watch any of the WNBA. But those first few years, I couldn't understand why it looks so bad, because women's college basketball looked better than the WNBA. But Jesus Christ, Charlotte, first Brooklyn. Jesus. Did I say that enough time? Oh, Jesus.

This is how fucking boring that game was. The kids that played at halftime was fucking more exciting because they were running the court. Big smiles on their faces. It was fucking hilarious. The game was like something like, you know, 16 to 14 and it was all layups. It was just all fucking running the court layups. It was tremendous. But anyways, last night we went to... You know, we were at the comedy zone and I did the smartest thing I've ever done on the road in a long time

was when the show was over, I just went home and I went to fucking bed. Because the Charlotte Brooklyn night, you know, I had a couple of pops about 17 and the next day I woke up and I'm like, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? Okay, I got a newborn at home. I can't get any goddamn sleep. I'm on the road now. I should be like a fucking sober as a church mouse and just go right to bed. And that's what I did last night. Fucking phenomenal. Other than the goddamn fucking cleaning ladies coming by every 10 minutes.

Yeah, this place I'm staying in doesn't have the fuck off sign. So they just keep coming. Housekeeping. I love how they fucking knock, right? Housekeeping and then immediately open the goddamn door. There's the lost art of knocking on a door, waiting for a response and then coming in. Somewhere along the line, these goddamn kids today. Oh yeah, I just said that. These goddamn kids. They think the fact they just knocked means they can then enter the room.

You knock, you wait for somebody to say, you know, hang on a second or blah, blah, blah, blah. You don't just knock on a fucking door and walk in. You got to give the person the chance, you know, put their dick away or something, you know. Well, who knows what they're doing? Maybe they're just sitting there in their underwear, right? I don't fucking know. You fucking knock and you wait and then you enter. Sorry, just saying it.

Fucking can't stand. That's one of my pet peeves in life. People knock and then they just fucking walk it. That shit. Or if, you know, when you go into a parking spot, you know, where two cars could fit and you just stick your fucking cunt car right in the middle of both so no one can fit. Two cars can't fit anymore unless you're driving a smart car. So anyways, tonight, you probably think in Jesusville after that Patriots Super Bowl, how could your sport? How could your sports world get any better?

You know what I mean? Well, after a major dip, I believe on Monday, which I think they did on purpose because the Bruins had a little gap in their schedule. And with all the buzz about the Dwigler Patriots excuse, we have yardicare. Be a good time to get rid of Claude Julian. And I just want to thank coach Julian for being the best Bruins coach since I've been watching them for the last, you know, close to 40 years. Oh, Jesus. Oh, it's Verzi everybody. Hey, Verzi, I'm doing my podcast.

All right. I'm going to be done with it. And how are you thinking now? It's just the Thursday one. I'll be done in like a half hour. All right, cool. I'm going to eat some eggs and shit. And then if you want to go for a steam.

Hey, Paul, you go eat those eggs and then I'll meet you for a steam. All right. We got breakfast coming in like 20 when it's done. I'll call you. Okay. All right, buddy. Okay, pal. Okay, pal.

All right there, cutie. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Yeah. I've never seen a guy more of a victim of the GM and I do not understand that fucking move whatsoever. You know, I guess maybe if he had a fallen out with the people up top, I have no idea. But how are you just going to blame it on him and not get rid of your fucking GM? I don't know what they see in this.

Our GM. I have no fucking idea. I don't know. I have no idea what this guy's doing. I mean, he got rid of everybody and I just didn't, I don't see you. We actually were playing our best hockey of the year, I felt. You know, we went three in a row, lost a tough one of the fucking capitals. Not a tough one.

They actually kicked our ass five or two. But I mean, what the fuck? They're the capitals. We didn't do bad for a seven seed. I don't know. I think it's a dumb move. You get rid of the guy. It's like, okay, you want to get rid of the guy?

Who are you going to replace him with? Who's out there? You know? And actually tweeted congratulations to every, every other NHL team out there that needs a fucking coach that knows how to win a cup. Because that's what we just dumped. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't get the shit that stuff where the ownership gives into the fan base. It's like, what are they listening to? The fucking dopes that call into sports talk radio. I've never called in a sports talk. I've watched sports all the fucking time. I would never call in a sports talk radio show, you know, just specifically to talk about the sports thing. I mean, I'll call in into hypershow, you know, whore myself out.

Oh, I would absolutely do that. Oh, speaking of whoring myself out. Wait, wait, wait, wait, let me get back. So thank you to Claude Julian and for bringing us a Stanley cup and ending up, you know, 40 year drought and continued success wherever you go. I know you're going to do great wherever you go. Hopefully you got a better GM with the next place you go to. So anyways, after all my ranting and ravings about award shows, I think I might be a presenter

at one. All Hollywood bill is the writers Guild Awards. And they asked me to be a presenter or whatever. And at first I was like, nah, I'm not going to go down and do that fucking bullshit. But then, you know what? I'm actually, I guess, softening up or selling out depends on how you look at it. But what I realized is that on our show, it's those award shows are a big deal for the writers because that's how they actually get money.

So if you win an Emmy or a writers Guild or a SAG thing or whatever, it's great for the writers in the writers room because they can say that they wrote on an Emmy award winning show and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So old freckles has to play the game a little bit. Go put on a goddamn monkey suit. It's a fucking black tie thing. So I'm going to go to one of those fucking prom places where they have the cheap tuxedos because I don't think anybody can fucking tell.

Just come out in those goddamn plastic bowling shoes. I don't know who the fuck decided that they wanted me to be a fucking presenter. But like if they've never, they've obviously never listened to me read out loud on my podcast. But I don't know, I figured this would be a good one to try out, see what I think about it because it's not televised, you know, and I don't know. We'll see if I can actually read out loud. I don't know if me has been on me about this shit. You got to do it.

You got to play the game. All right. I'm playing the fucking game. Why make a fucking difficult business even more goddamn difficult to fuck it. I'll give it a try. But you guys know how that goes. How am I reading out loud? If that's in fact what they have me to, but it's not bad.

It's not bad. It's only like two hours long. So it kind of seems like the best one to go to and Pat Noswald is hosting it. And I think he's a fucking genius. So at least I'll get to listen to his monologue. But I am without a doubt. I'm going to get the fuck. I'm going to get a nice fucking, I'm going to get a senior prom special.

The clip on fucking tie and all of that shit. That's like the dumbest shit ever to go out and go buy some expensive tuxedo. It's like, what are you a fucking Rockefeller? But I guess people trash it then, right? When you watch, walk the red carpet or something like that. So anyway, so there you go. There's my foolish shit moment after making fun of all those fucking award shows. I'm actually going to go to one.

I don't know what are you going to do? The fuck am I going to do? Right? I'm doing it for the team. Okay. Can I, can I get out of it by saying that? So anyways, I was saying how my, my, my sporting world, how it could get any better after the Patriots win and then they, the let down of seeing them given to the fan pressure, whatever

the fuck they did, getting rid of coach Julian. Tonight, me, Fersi and Joe Bartnick are doing a bucket list thing for any person that's even remotely into sports. We're going to the, the Duke versus North Carolina Tar Heels game tonight. And we got some great seats. We're sitting right behind the fucking Duke bench. Coach K is going to be there. If it wasn't so goddamn loud in that place, we could hear him, you know, during the timeouts

and everything. I'm going to be crazy. So, I don't know, it's a chance you might see the three, three of us dummies on TV. But beyond excited to go to this, like this is a, this is a fucking huge one. This is a huge one. As far as the bucket list sports stuff to go to years ago, I told you, I don't know if I told you guys, I went to the, I went to Indiana University versus was it Michigan State. And I believe it was the year that Michigan State won the national championship and Bobby

Knight was still coaching there. And I've never seen anything like that all the years, everything I've ever, every sporting event I've ever gone to, I have never seen anything like watching Bobby Knight coach a game. I mean, that guy, you watched him more than, as much if not more than you were watching the game. I was actually rooting for the Spartans, you know, I came there rooting for Indiana, but Bobby was so fucking entertaining.

I started rooting for the Spartans because I wanted to see him flip out even more. I've never seen somebody with, he actually made me feel good about myself, like just complete loss of composure, obviously, or whatever, his coaching style, motivating people. I remember they led up a couple of easy buckets. And this kid, the point guard starts bringing it up to court and Bobby Knight is like 10 feet onto the court and he's yelling so much. He's like, do you ever see, was it Ben Kingsley and sexy beast when he, when he's, when he's yelling, he'd be in a right cut and he's like throwing his head into everything that he's

saying. That's what the fuck he was doing, but it was way more intense because he wasn't acting. He was serious and I've never fucking seen anything like that. That's one of my favorite of everything that I've seen in sports. The coolest thing ever is that I got to see Bobby Knight coach at Indiana University. That's fucking legend. That's like seeing Zeppelin or seeing the Beatles, you know, James Brown or whatever, like, you know, that's right up there.

I saw Eddie Murphy on the raw tour. I saw Eddie. He's my, but think greatest things I've seen Eddie Murphy on the raw tour. I went away with a purple suit. I saw Bobby Knight coach at Indiana. The fuck do I go from there? So Judas Priest and the Turbo Lover Tour, does that count? I don't know.

I saw Stevie Ray Vaughn, I saw Dan Marino kick the shit out of the Patriots with Don Shula coaching. That's the one great thing about being our old guys. You can start talking about all the shit that now fucking no longer exists. So I actually made a few guys who just bear with me clicking here. Sorry. I know that's fucking loud as hell. I know it's annoying and you're going to listen to it again right now.

All right. I actually looked through. I got this, this document team scene and I have seen 31. I've been to a home game of every major league baseball team. I haven't been to all their stadiums because like the Mets changed theirs. Got a new one. Philly's got a new one, but I've seen a total of 31. There's 30 professional baseball teams.

I've seen 31 because I went to the expo's. I've seen 32 home games of the NFL. There's 32 teams, but I still need to see the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They're the last one I need to see. But I saw the St. Louis and the fucking, the St. Louis and the fucking LA Rams. So that's how I got up to 32. I've seen 25 NBA teams. One of those being the, I saw both the Seattle Sonics and the Oklahoma City Thunder.

And I saw the New Jersey Nets. Now I got to go see the fucking Brooklyn Nets. Speaking of which, I also saw the fucking, what would I say, the islanders at Nassau Coliseum. If they don't become the Brooklyn fucking islanders, then I don't need to go see them. It's like, if you change your, they're still in New York. You know what I mean? I don't need to fucking do that.

So I've seen 27 of the 30 fucking, I got three more to see in hockey. So I'm going to try to knock those out over the next year. The fan slam is what I'm calling it. You know, Serena's fucking the Serena slam. This is just the fan slam. The fucking, you know, you have no life. You run the fucking road. You don't want to kill yourself in a comedy condo so you start building it around home

games. I've actually made a list, I don't know if you're not a sports fan, this is going to bore the shit out of you, but these are all the fucking places I've been to that now no longer exist. The Boston Garden, Sullivan Stadium, Yankee Stadium, Shea Stadium, Veterans Stadium, Three River Stadium, soon to be no longer there, Joe Louis Serena, the RCA slash Hoosier Dome. I saw Peyton Manning there. I saw a game at Original Soldier Field, got a picture and then this fucking asshole stole

my goddamn camera. I also had a picture of me and when I went to a Green Bay Packers, that game was a pre-season game. They played the Browns, Brett Favre was still there. Verzi says I can't count that one because it's pre-season, but the reality is he just wants me to book a gig at the Skyline Cafe and go to a Packers game, which of course I will do. All right, continuing on, County Stadium, the Target Center, the Metro Dome, the Edward

Jones Dome, which is still there but the St. Louis Rams don't play there anymore, Texas Stadium, the Astrodome, McNichols Arena, Mile High Stadium, Sun Devil Stadium, that still exists, but I saw the Arizona Cardinals versus the Patriots there. Qualcomm Stadium still exists, but the fucking Chargers aren't there anymore. I also saw that the San Diego Padres there and I went there and watched Mark McGuire take batting practice the year. He broke Roger Maris' record and I saw him hit number 27 or 28 there. Edison Field before they redid it.

The LA Sports Arena, that's still there, but I saw, who did I see there? I saw the Clippers there. I saw the Clippers there and Biggie Smalls was in the crowd and four days later he was dead, swear to God. The LA Forum, I saw fucking a young Kobe Bryant and just left the magic shack with Del Harris as a coach. I want to say Dennis Rodman was on that team. I went to Candlestick Park, sat out in right field and saw an early on head getting bigger

Barry Bonds key arena for a Seattle Supersonics game with rookie year Kevin Durant and then the King Dome. I saw a young Ken Griffey Jr. I sat right out in center field, bleachers. As far as I know. Oh, and you know what else? The Montreal Forum. I can't believe I forgot that. I saw the Montreal Forum in 1989 and I went up there in March and I saw a Canadians versus

the fucking Minnesota North Stars with Patrick Wynette. I, of course, rooted for the North Stars and they, of course, lost. So whatever, that's the dumb bullshit that I do when I'm out here on the road and now I can add the after tonight Duke Carolina and I want to thank the Comedy Zone for hooking us up with some sort of Duke booster that gave us those tickets and I was surprised the person came to the game last came to the game came to the show last night and left without saying hello, which was it's like, at least put a thank the guy. So if he's listening or she's listening, love the fuck it is.

It got me the tickets. Thank you. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Cyrillus, along with all in us novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite

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team he doesn't let him wear any Duke gear and won't let him in the locker room until they start playing at a fucking level that the university is used to seeing you gotta love that old school coaching that made me look up like you know I was looking up all this stuff on coach K and I didn't realize that when he was at army he played for Bobby Knight I didn't know that he assisted with Bobby Knight and all that and there's all these great fucking pictures you got to see the way Bobby Knight is dressed in 1979 in Puerto Rico when he's at the pan and games of course he ended up getting arrested because he allegedly slapped a cop or something like that you want to talk about a guy that needs to fucking meditate Jesus Christ so anyways I was watching all the

stuff where his courts sent me down this rabbit hole with Bobby Knight stuff and you know my favorite clip of all the Bobby Knight ones was when somebody secretly recorded him because I feel like that was the real Bobby Knight because I thought towards the end he kind of was was doing the Bobby Knight thing like when he did that game face thing I think at that point he was just he started like hamming it up when he didn't need to but like when you listen to that one where he's talking about the Purdue game coming up and that he has an eight and ten record I swear to God I'm gonna start listening to that speech before I go to the gym because I actually listen to that thing and he's talking about how he had to go to some function and he goes I'm sitting there

I'm tired of sitting there with a fucking eight and ten record everything fucking looking and I'm sick and fucking tired I'm losing a fucking Purdue you guys get the fuck out there says somebody if you fucking lose to Purdue you put me in that fucking position I will fucking run you something until you I don't know something about puking or whatever it's it's just such a great speech and in the end of it my natural reaction I laughed and just said that's how it's done and I know we got a lot of criticism for the stuff that he did but I think a lot of that criticism came from people that are not athletic were never in a locker room and you know they came from that whole they they actually had bad experiences in sports

and listening to Bobby Knight yell I think just brought all their sucking in gym class memories back and I don't know it's like there's this certain type of person that is a fucking athlete and can handle that and understands what the fuck that is and I think if they don't have a problem with it all these people who don't play sports should just shut the fuck up about it because you don't understand what's going on and I mean Jesus Christ Bobby Knight won almost a thousand fucking games and all his former players for the most part love them and and I always felt that kid that last fucking incident that Bobby Knight had I thought that felt that kid was baiting him because Bobby Knight walked by and I think the kid said what's up night you don't say that that's

totally disrespectful and Knight just had that that fucking temper of zero to fucking nine thousand but I remember when I heard that stories like that kid was being a fucking cunt but he can't do that shit anymore at least during his heyday there was no cell phone cameras man he really would have gotten a lot of trouble because there would have been fucking video of that and I would have loved every second I would have loved every second of watching him grab some student by the fucking throat who just a what's up night guys walking around 900 fucking wins some sophomore comes by and that's come on so anyways yeah so we're gonna be hitting that game tonight if anybody knows oh by the way I have to give a shout out man I went to a

this is my new thing now and I'm on the road you know because I got my beautiful little daughter up at home and I can't play drums as much you know Nia still lets me rehearse and stuff like that you know now rehearse like practice and shit when uh when I'm home with the kids up but um I haven't been able to go to a uh you know the practice place that I go to out in LA as much as I would like so I'm like when I'm on the road out I look up these rehearsal spaces so I looked up this place when I was in Charlotte it's called the playground and um I went down there shout out to eddy z who runs it totally fucking one of the coolest dudes I've met a lot of these rehearsal spaces are just absolute shit the the drum kits are old everything's fucked up everything

sounds like shit I went into this place this place was like a fucking first-class place he stuck me in the best room that they had uh at a discount price because they were doing construction on some other rooms and he didn't want to you know disturb me or whatever while I was playing I played for like fucking three hours well I paid for three hours only to get to about you know two hours and 20 minutes and my body was like giving out on me and I just had the best fucking time and you know what I love when I went in there the snare drum was tuned too low and I was able to tune it up to sound pretty good and I used to not even remotely have a game plan on how to tune up a snare and um I was really psyched about that uh thanks

but anyways um this uh guy eddy z was saying he he actually um used to be a roadie for van halen and he was on the 1984 tour the last one with david ly roth and uh then he did a couple with sammy haygar so he had all these fucking really cool pictures just originals that he took of like sammy and uh eddy van halen and david ly roth it was really fucking cool and uh I had the best time and like that's gonna be that's what I'm gonna do when I'm on the road now that um I'm back building up the hour working the comedy clubs like the old days uh had such a great time last night on stage uh comedy zone dude comedy zone's one of the best fucking comedy clubs out there by the way if you can find the goddamn thing you gotta take you walk in there's

like a cafeteria and then a bar and there's there's a sign this is comedy zone and nobody tells you gotta like ask like 20 people it's like you're feeling your way through the dark to finally go down those stairs to go down there but just the whole way this the stage is set up um it seems like every seat in the house is a good seat um you know for I mean obviously I've never sat in the crowd out there but uh just had the best time working the shit out I did two shows both shows I was able to do a little over an hour just pasting together new ideas that I have and then old bits that you know never made it onto specials and um just I don't this is this is you wouldn't think so but this is one of my favorite times of doing stand-up is just letting everything else go

and just trying to figure out like what the new shit's gonna be you know I'm reading newspapers I'm writing shit down anything that I can throw against the wall last night I was on stage talking about how fucking human beings are edible like and everyone was like what the fuck and that'd be something that I would have banned it but I had no material I just kept going with it and um it's I don't know it just takes me back to my early days um I'll stand up when uh because your skills like if you don't have the material it just complete your skills completely diminish even though you have the poise and and the skill set because you've been doing it that long but it's just completely just imagine a band if they had to like just work at workshop some riffs

in front of a fucking crowd without like rehearsing that's the greatest thing about the art of stand-up comedy is that you can't you can't go to rehearsal space and get the shit together and then fucking like you have to second you're like coming up with riffs in front of the fucking crowd and it's uh yeah it's fucking work it's absolute work but um I don't know I'm a fucking lunatic so I totally enjoy this part of it so anyways that is the podcast once again thanks to whoever it is that owns these two seats um whoever that is get in touch with the comedy zone you have free tickets to any comedy show that I ever do for life front row whatever the fuck you want forgiven given up these tickets um can't thank you enough

this is gonna be amazing so um we're on our way out to uh Durham and I was just out there so I know a couple of good spots to eat at so uh we're gonna have a good time all right that's the podcast go fuck yourselves have a great weekend your cunts and I will talk to you uh I'll talk to you on Monday like I'll let you know about the game all right hey what's up this is bill burr and uh this is the Monday morning podcast I just did a 50 minute podcast I tried to save it and I didn't once again this week talked for a fucking hour evidently to nobody um I'm gonna have to buy some sort of device so I can save them so I can try and put them back up I don't know what to tell you but uh I don't even know if this one's

gonna record I don't know if I'm going too long I don't even know who the fuck I'm supposed to call who the fuck do I call it's not like I call this number on anybody you can talk to picks up you know typical of how we're living you know I was on the fucking airplane flying out to Boston right I'm on the airplane and for some reason they always have the fucking intercoms turned all the way up to 10 right blows my goddamn eardrums out so I say the lady she walks by I go is there any way you can turn the thing down she's like no I'm sorry I'm sorry there's nothing we can do what the fuck do you mean there's nothing you can do you can go up there you can fucking turn it down what are they they installed an intercom system on 10 with no fucking volume

whatever fuck this technology shit I gotta figure out somebody sent me an email about something that I can record into I'm gonna try to find that I guess I gotta go out and buy it but I apologize um I'm gonna try to do one again tomorrow or something like that uh uh oh Jesus it was such a great podcast god damn it all right whatever I'm gonna try tomorrow so all 14 of you hang in there I'm gonna do a podcast tomorrow all right take it easy um hey what's up this is bill burr um I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this g-cast thing but I have figured out how to save my podcast all I had to do was press number two for some reason I

wasn't hearing that you know I don't know if he was saying it or whatever the computer with the fucking female voice has been saying it but I don't know what's going on with this thing it seems anytime I record something longer than uh I don't know what doesn't fucking go through but I know how to save them so all I'm saying is from here on out um I won't lose any more podcasts but I'm going to do a podcast tomorrow and I'm going to save the thing and hopefully I can publish it all right thank you for your patience and god bless the United States of America hey what's going on it's bill burr it is the Monday morning podcast I'm gonna say the Monday morning podcast long island uh 6 18 on a fucking Wednesday and I learned how to save

these podcasts so here you go this is the podcast this is it I'm doing one take I don't give a fuck I've already done it three times and I'm running a red light and I made it good deal good deal oh hey you guys you guys got cameras you got cameras where you're at you know you run a red light and they take your fucking picture and then for some reason you have to pay the fucking ticket I got a way around it I got a way around it that I've learned somebody told me all you got to do when you run the red light you got to be in the center you know if there's two lanes just be in the middle have half your car in one lane half your car in the other lane and it doesn't get your full license plate or your full face and you're through it granted I haven't tried that yet

but I heard you can do that also is another way when I got my car out here in Los Angeles evidently evidently there's so many fucking people out here that uh that you know it takes I swear to god it took like four weeks or six weeks for me to get my license plate something ridiculous so basically I drove around for well over a month with just the name of the dealership where I bought my car at on both the front and the back and one day as luck would have it I was like going to the airport and I ran a fucking red light and they took my picture and I flipped out I was like ah fuck you know that's me flipping out ah fuck see I stink at acting that's good Bill could you raise the stakes you want and I really did I was like you got to be fucking kidding me this is fucking

bullshit that's what I really did but I don't want to yell like that and um well basically all they had was the picture of the dealership my stupid face so I never got the ticket why am I admitting to this can they use this in a court of law come and get me say so anyways I'm driving down the street and I don't have my laptop with me so I don't have your questions but god knows I read them enough times that I can actually remember them once so here's the first question somebody asked me hey Bill what kind of drum kit do you have and um were you having a band and if so do you have any good band stories all right I have a late 70s slingerland five ply the five ply shells that nobody wants everybody wants the three ply shells from the late 60s early 70s to get that

great tone whatever the fuck they're talking about well fortunately I'm a comedian so I don't give a fuck I'll take I'll take the extra two plies and uh basically they're all bottom sizes 14 by 24 bass drum I had a 13 I'm a 13 it's 14 and then an 18 inch floor ton so years later I bought the 16 inch floor time and recently I added another bass drum because I was listening to Primus and I was like I want to play like Tim Alexander even though I already had a double pedal I'm like I'm going to add another bass drum pedal because that guy from Slayer said it's not the same unless you have the fucking both of them so I went out and I bought another bass drum and I should have realized the fact that I suck with the double pedal that if they added a second bass drum all it was going to do

was just take up more room and it wouldn't make me any better at drummer but I did it so uh yeah that's what I play I got an old slingerland kit and have I ever been in a band no I was never in a band I just had a fucking the drums were at my house everybody came over to jam man and we sucked which is why everybody who ever came over now has a real job yeah that's it I don't have any rockstar I don't have any fucking band stories other than that we stunk the usual shit and the next question somebody asked me was uh what the fuck was the question it was some question about I guess late at night they got these new economy dentures something like that that's what the person asked me have you seen these economy dentures what the

fuck is this and uh it's actually a really interesting question because I used to work in a dental office and I know a little something about dentures huh look at me it's peeling off another layer of the onion as Madonna says you know she actually had the balls to say that one time she doesn't have any balls god knows we've all seen her twat um yeah she actually had the nerve to say that when she did yet another totally planned out you know look I can dress like a whore this way nice fucking parking job you fucking idiot the fuck I swear to god man people just you know people cannot fucking drive out here in LA they really can't like a lot of people don't know that all they talk about is the traffic

oh my god the traffic is so fucking bad man well you know what when it clears up the driving gets people can actually drive they're uh I've established it's before you know they fucking they suck at driving out here look at that homeless guy there's a homeless guy out here I swear to god he looks like George Clinton um from parliament anybody so anyways you're asking me what these economy dentures are I'm going to guess that they are a one size fits all denture which is really fucking bizarre and I bet um on the upper it has some sort of form fitting thing that will fit to your palate it's horrific because when you get a denture you're actually supposed to you know this impressions you pour up a model you know if they took out

some teeth they try to get the teeth to look like your other teeth so you don't freak people out like one day you look like a witch and the next day you come walking and look like guys smiley you know I used to work in a dental office I actually am certified to take x-rays I can take impressions the upper impression was the worst I always get some I'm just going to let you know that I'm a gagger I gag really why don't you just brush your fucking teeth so I don't have to worry about you throwing up on the my the fucking left sleeve of my uh my what do you call this the doctor robe the doctor coat or whatever yeah I used to take the impressions and people used to always gag when you do the top and if you hang in there another eight seconds

and then they'd always have then they'd always say yeah god I I fucking hate the dentist really well why don't you brush your fucking teeth you idiot you know I guess I do the same thing I ain't going to the gym but god knows I'm going to go order a fucking pizza right now well Jesus I'm in a mood so yeah that's what I would guess so basically after you took the impressions if you want to know the whole fucking process and the person's going every five seconds if they don't puke on you you actually have a good impression then you take it into the little lab and then you take out a little green cup that rubber green cup that's all I remember things can only be mixed in that I never took a chemistry class so I don't know why it couldn't be just a

plastic bowl but it was always those rubber things and then you'd mix it up and then you'd pour it into the fucking impression and then you stick it on this little vibrating thing trying to get all the bubbles out of it there was nothing fucking worse if you didn't get all the bubbles out of it and then I swear to god the bubble would always be right where the person's tooth was and you'd fuck up the whole impression and then you'd have to go in there and be like we got to do it again I'd have to deal with that again so I would guess that what they're doing is is they uh they're skipping that whole step I don't know what they do if you if you take a whole pack of juicy fruit and you chew it up and then you know form it to the top of your mouth and then

you mail that in and they make a denture out of that I have no fucking idea but that's really a that's really a scary thing it's a really scary thing you know that's the kind of shit I wish people focused on like everybody keeps talking about that fucking broad who had the eight kids can you believe it I mean that's so irresponsible who gives a fuck people talking about all the money she's gonna cost this she's gonna cost this what a couple million you know what about these you know the fucking bankers three quarters of a trillion dollars nobody gives a fuck about that some chick squirts eight babies out of her twat it's gonna cost this you know one half of one percent compared to what these fucking cunts did who stole a trillion

dollars and then gave themselves 30 million dollar bonuses nobody gives a shit about that you know some chicks squirts out fucking eight babies and all of a sudden no one can stop looking at it you know why because it has a face you know what she looks like that's the thing that's the genius of the bankers nobody knows what a banker looks like I don't even know what the fuck my teller looks like I go to the goddamn ATM because I work nights um all right what else what else can I do on this podcast this is going to be a short podcast I'm doing a podcast until I get home and that's going to be it because I'm exhausted with these fucking podcasts all right it's insane you know the amount of podcasts that I've done this fucking week and to no avail you know it

reminds me of listening to somebody talking about who the fuck was it recording with like ray charles you do like nine nine thousand takes of george on my mind and by the end of it you wanted to make them deaf too you know that's what I feel like right now with these fucking podcasts so um I guess the last thing that I have to do is I'm stuck in traffic waiting to make my left hand turn to come home to order a pizza uh is I going to announce the winner of the uh the submissions for the original uh proctologists I went to the proctologist joke I got to admit man they were all strong and everybody seemed to like uh there's sort of an even amount of people like in every one of them except for one so basically I think I'm going to pass out like uh three or

four dvds you know you know what everybody's a winner except for the one guy the one guy on me entered for 20 minutes about having the chick's kitty mashed in the mammogram he's the only one who didn't get any votes everybody else the guy with the potato salad line got a lot of votes the dude who freaked me out got a bunch of votes and uh the dude who did the uh had the great angle I thought this was the the most original angle of of the gay guy bragging that he's dating a proctologist you know if you didn't listen to that podcast he was saying like it's kind of like if you know one of your one of your buddies started dating a journalist you know and then all your buddies would be jealous like Jesus Christ I bet she can do some

freaky shit you know you can bend her every which way he was saying gay guys would do that I bet they'd get jealous if you started dating a proctologist and they'd all be sitting around going Jesus Christ I bet he really knows his way around it at thank you that was the hacky gay guy voice I don't know if you guys noticed but my chick voice is basically the hacky gay guy voice just done at a whisper if you ever want to get that impression down instead of going hi fellas I just go hey what's going on this is where is this relationship going it's the exact same thing I'm a complete fucking no talent and anyways I'm in my garage right now so this podcast is over I know it was a quick one I know it was a quick one all right it's a little 12 minutes it's an EP

all right like guns and roses lies that's what it's like all right stuff I didn't drop the n word even though there was a half black obama guitarist in my group how fucking drugged up with slash that day where he fucking co-signed on that one um anyways I want to thank everybody who came out to the uh my shows back in Boston uh the comedy connection at the wilbur theater and out in chickapee massachusetts I had a I had a great time coming back there had a bunch of friends family former babysitter from the 70s showed up it was a uh it was just it was an unbelievable weekend and then I went out to chickapee massachusetts that show sold out as well and there was a bunch of drunks and I made my way through it and uh then I went back

to my fancy hotel in Boston I ordered a filet mignon the the maid had left classical music on the clock radio try to remember how this went down that's right I walked into my uh uh hotel room they you know the turn down service I don't know what that means they fold your sheets back and they give you a mint and she left classical music playing on my clock radio I ordered the filet mignon little mashed potatoes a glass of red wine and I sat there and ate it and it was one of the most loneliest experiences I've ever had in my life to the point I actually had to call Robert Kelly and tell him in the moment how lonely I was the steak sucked through I actually it was such a bad steak I actually didn't even consider putting a one on it I went

straight to ketchup that's how bad it was and I don't put anything on you shouldn't put anything on a steak it should just taste delicious and this thing was so fucking I ordered it medium rare and it was gray all the way through and it was tough like fucking shoe leather that mozzarella anybody know that what's that one from anybody I'll give you five seconds tough like fucking shoe leather that mozzarella I only know one other fucking person who ever knew that reference whoever brought it up in the owns Gotham comedy club it was uh Eric Roberts in the pope of Greenwich Village tough like fucking shoe leather that mozzarella anyway the fucking steak stunk and I actually put ketchup on it I like it literally it tasted

like fucking hamburger it no it didn't because hamburger tastes great but you know what I mean any chefs out there you never put ketchup okay let's do overrated underrated you know it's fucking overrated a one steak sauce I don't even get it it it it's just it sucks I am in a garage right now talking to myself basically about fucking a one steak sauce who gives a fuck I'm done with this podcast next week you're gonna get you're gonna get a double album out of me all right I promise you but this week you're getting the EP all right thank you to everybody who came out to the Wilbur theater in Boston Massachusetts and all you fucking meth heads and drunks who came up to the hookey loud and chickapee Massachusetts and my next gig my next

upcoming gig I am gonna be at wise guys in Ogden Utah I believe it's Saturday night the February 21st so please come out to see me man I've never done a club out that way I've only done colleges and why don't you come along and bring your 18 fucking wives or whatever the hell it is you Mormons do out there and you know I figure you're a cool Mormon if you're actually listening to so you know come out to the show and congratulations to the Lakers and the Cavaliers man you guys look like you're gonna be playing you just playing a hungrier game playing a fucking hungrier game but I have to say this before I sign off I really think that the reason why I can't stand the fucking NBA is unlike any other sports like that that sport the officials control the outcome of the game

like I've never seen it's like it always like the Celtics Lakers was a fucking great game and then down to the end they just kept blowing the whistle on both sides I'm not being a crybaby here Lakers once fair and square but I'm just saying you know sometimes they should just put the fucking whistle away it's you know just let them fucking play and they did that in the Cavaliers game it's like you got these two juggernauts going head to fucking head and then this little fat keeps blowing his whistle now all the action stops and then you know you know hey stop pushing him that's ridiculous okay let's let him shoot uncontested it's the most it's the biggest fucking buzzkill to the end of any game I've ever seen you know and I love how the there's been a referee

that was has been busted for having mob ties in the fucking NBA and I'm supposed to act like that's the only guy like there was y'all there was just one bad apple you know I think I don't know what do you guys think that's my question for you this week out of all the four major sports which referee do you think if you bought them could really influence the outs the uh the uh the outcome of the game I'd have to go NBA because it's so easy to get a guy out of the game you just keep calling fouls in football you know you want me to throw a guy out of the game you got to wait till the you know kick somebody in the balls and spit in their face and I don't know what look at me babbling and you know literally the light and my garage went out I have to get out

of the car all right guys that's it I'm going to save this podcast so you're going to hear it unless I don't know how to fucking upload it it's been a brutal week all right guys take it all right fuck list bill I wake up at my girlfriend's house she leaves for work I can't find my socks she says I have some she says I have some just use mine and leaves I wake up later and I look for the sock drawer top drawer right um and I find this list with about 20 to 30 names on it and my name is near the bottom oh no some have check marks on them etc I ask her about it and while she's initially upset it turns out to be her fuck list wow I don't even have a I have a list in my head

she actually made a fuck list dude you coined a phrase she said she made it after we got together with some friends drunk one night she then admitted to being somewhat of a whore her words not mine before we met but assures me that she hasn't done anything since she met me with anyone else I do believe her but I totally blew up on her and we haven't been talking for a few days I also look a bit creepy as to why I went through her door drawer it was in an envelope yeah you know what it yeah you kind of look creepy but she would have done that to you you know women call it snooping when we do it it's fucking creepy anyways because I need some help here on this one do I apologize she already has do I just

say fuck it and forget about it what's Nia's take on it god damn it you know what I'm going to have to ask her take on that one I'm not going to have it on this podcast when I when I go home I fly home tomorrow I'll try to have an epilogue to this podcast um or maybe tack it on to the following weeks that is a great question because I don't trust this girl you know that when a girl is that fucking free all right and I know girls are getting mad why can't we be as free as you I'll tell you why you can't because you don't have to work at getting laid okay I can be sexually liberated I still have to go out to the bar I gotta do a fucking tap dance you know like me getting laid it's it's

like somebody on fucking uh American Idol trying to get that ticket to Vegas you know that's what it's like is it for most guys anyways to get laid even if you're good at it it's it's like fucking you know it's it's it's not hot but you guys anytime you want to fuck you can fuck look at that girl tonight came up with a backup I didn't know was there I put my hand and I wasn't ready 44 year old guy I'm sitting there but I can't even fucking talk um so that's what I would be worried about she said she's a bit of a whore like I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing or like uh I don't know about that one she sat down and she made a list Jesus 20 to 30 names now this is the thing I don't know how old she is all right 20 you know

for a girl 20 to 30 names I don't think is even that bad the fact that she well I don't know but it might be even worse because they they are not honest about their numb they do the exact opposite of what we do guys we exaggerate our numbers they dial them fucking back like like women's how many guys are you been with numbers is like when they put out how many people are unemployed in this country you know they try to keep that number fucking down it's the same thing uh a fuck list I mean uh I don't know I I never get past that you sat around with your friends are your friends all whores you know and it's not like they just sat there going oh yeah you know I fucking you know

bobby philip fucking dakota i don't even have a fucking modern name range rover whatever fucking people call kids boys now and then you know there's checks next to them of of like what she did with them or how good the dick was and I don't know if that's one of those things that they all fucking do and you just unfortunately peek behind the curtain and you should let it go I have no experience with something like that um oh this would have been a great nia question I have to do this with her and get into a fucking giant argument but then I run the risk of possibly getting a a fucking preview of her fuck list which I don't want to know about I don't want to know I mean I gotta be honest with you I

don't give a fuck at my age I don't give you are you clean good okay what do I think you were fucking in a in a god damn bubble I hope you banged enough guys and learned how to fuck I really do because I don't need some fish in bed you know just laying there even fucked a lot of people great isn't that great do you want to pilot who hasn't flown a lot of planes you know there's give and take okay you got a girl hasn't fucked a lot of guys and you know you know she sucks a dick like she's eating green beans that's the trade-off you know ah dude that sucks that really sucks for you why were you going to wear one of her socks to work though you know with a little fucking chris everett ball

hanging off the back that's something I just got to say just try to understand I'm giving all I can because you got the best of me me you just keep on pushing my love over the border line I keep on pushing me baby don't you know you drive me crazy you just keep on pushing my love over the border line

look what your love has done to me come on baby set me free you just keep on pushing my love over the border line because me so much pain I think I'm going to say what does it take to make you see you just keep on pushing my love over the border line keep pushing me keep pushing me keep pushing my love me