Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-9-23

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

Bill rambles with Doug Stanhope about insurance companies, buying cars on ebay, and occasionally burning a podcast sponsor. 

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you as you can see I dressed up a little bit You know, I'm on a video here on the internet. Whatever you call it on the super eight You know, I have a guest and I dressed up because he's always dressing up this guy's one of the most legendary stand-up comedians of all time Certainly of my generation a guy I've looked up to forever And when I first started doing the road I used to be like I want to be like this guy I want to travel like that the one and only Doug Stanhope. Thanks for having me. Sorry. I'm sorry about that. That was very awkward what just happened

evidently your people and my people have been talking about show ideas and All of a sudden a pitch meeting sprung up out there. Yeah, they said can you show up a half hour early? And I was sitting there going. Oh, oh, they told me I thought you would half hour early That's hilarious. Yeah, I thought you were dying or something. I thought you would die and you're gonna be like listen This is my last time to LA. Is that what happened? Why are they such fucking assholes? Yeah? Well, he said oh, I mentioned that to to the guy the comedy death camp and I go Yeah, I remember that was an idea, but I didn't even know you like you produce shit shit I haven't seen you in fucking years and all of a sudden they spring a pitch meeting

Nice way to reconnect For me to sit well What was funny is we were just sitting there shooting this shit for like 20 minutes And then I got in my head going like has it been so long that I saw that I've seen you that you felt like you needed to Connect with me. It's like I've known this guy for like 25 years Which is what I was alluding to when we When I did the the intro from way back 90 seconds ago. I remember when I when I was When I was starting out not starting out

I was about seven eight years and like I wanted to start doing the road and I wanted I wanted to do the road I want to go out there. I want to do all the hell gigs I wanted to you know live all of those stories and I remember you and Hedberg We're just out there doing it and that's like what I wanted to do and they they had this big Showcase down the laugh factory and it was my favorite showcase. I ever did at the laugh factory in the 90s It was no networks. Nothing TV or movie related. It was just club owners for whatever reason we're in town And I was so fucking excited to go up there and kill so I could go to these places And I remember saying to this other comic who later went on to star in a trilogy of

Movies I remember saying like yeah, I mean I heard the guy the guys from Stanford and Sun in Kansas City out here And he lived and he just looked at me. He goes. I Don't want to go to Kansas I got all in my head like oh shit should I not want to go to Kansas City? But I I wanted to go to all of those places and then I quickly found out I was like wait a minute the sports stadiums are here. I want to go look at them What if I got to go to a game like it was For me doing the road for the first like I don't know eight years was this giant field trip

Yeah of a loner sports fan nerd and everywhere. I went to do stand-up you you and Mitch Hedberg You guys were like the legends The fucking stories of all the shit specifically you and what you did in the comedy condos and all of that Yeah, I remember the last time I did your podcast which has been a long ad one of your podcast How many do you have now? I I just have this one and then I do a one with Paul Verzi We just That one you fuck yeah, I did one with broken eagles over the Commanders where the eagles were unbeaten and you go no

Washington's gonna win this Philly's gonna screw it up so badly. They're gonna lose to some fucking schlub divisional team. Yeah, I was bad this year. I was I was you know busy editing something So I didn't watch enough of it this year. So Verzi is the one Verzi beat the book two years in a row nice Yeah, but I did you're up you had one with Bert cuz I did that so Bert was the one that we did during the quarantine It was like during a quarantine. We're just sitting around I missed friends and all of that type of stuff So we were like why don't we just I think that's another one like how did that even come together? Then it came together and then the quarantine ends then you get busy again. It's just like it just got to the point I said I don't have time to fucking do all of this

Yeah, I wonder how many podcasts that people just invented during quarantine of are gone now Yeah, there was a lot. I like what I like hurt still fucking cooking. Didn't you have a cooking show or something? Yeah, something's burning. I think the rumor is is he still he's got more episodes. I think he's got more episodes coming up He will be burning more stuff. I actually Made my wife a grilled cheese sandwich when she came my wife was all my wife was on the road, right and she came back She was actually just doing like a girl's trip like cuz I did a golf trip with the guys. I don't really even golf It's fucking hilarious, dude. I'm the funniest golfer ever where like I take holes off

I heard that podcast cuz yeah, you're with your guy there. This is named Mussolini. No Bertie I Like Mussolini I kind of like that dude. That's a fucking great one Yeah, but Hennigan said that yeah Your guy talked to Hennigan and said yeah, we were playing golf and then on the way back He said you drive because I got a podcast and he said you just podcast right in your iPhone and then send it Yeah, it's that easy. I like I wish I knew this simplest thing No, I think a big mistake that certain people make is they try to make it too big and then it just becomes like this giant pain in the

ass Like I never wanted guests. I do it now now. It's like fun because we actually have a you know this set up I don't have to deal with anything, but like I Just did it. I did it first just as a way to like, you know promote my dates, but I didn't want to deal with guests because I know like Dude 20 minutes. How can you do this? I can't really reschedule It's just like and my whole thing is like I didn't get in this business to have a fucking job Yeah, I don't want to start like working on like I might be the beginning of taxi when they would have the taxi schedule trying to figure out when to send Jim out and whatever

It's like I don't want to fucking deal with that, dude. I just want to I just want to like You know like like when I went golfing with Bertilina Those last time I was here. I was just like, you know, I was going golfing with the buddy of mine. I go Yeah, I'm a going golfing on Monday, I'm like you want to play hooky. He's like, yeah, fuck it. Let's do it It's just to be able to live a life like that Forget about whether you make money or not if you can actually pay your bills and but you're living a life We could just be a bunch of shit. Yeah, I know but I mean but even before I was doing a bunch of shit

I could go see a Kansas City Royals game during the fucking day where if they scored 12 runs What was the one that wasn't Dunkin Donuts the crack one the other the other donut fucking thing Krispy Kreme you win a dozen Krispy Kreme's you want a dozen donuts if the Royals who absolutely fucking sucked When I went they were gonna win like 30 games that year if they somehow scored 12 runs to get some fucking team Krispy Kreme would give everybody a free dozen donuts and dude They was it was like 11 to 8 and the fucking place was going nuts Like George Brett was still there and this guy get up here like a bloop single or something they scored And it was like I was unbelievable. You almost saw like how you run for president. It's like this. It's not about the issues

It's what what give me just give me some free shit. That's gonna be gone in a half hour Like this guy give me free donuts. I mean they were going Fucking nuts. No one was going like what is baseball at this point. We're fucking Boston in New York Just use our whole franchise is like a fucking farm team. They the second you they were mad about that You gave him free fucking donuts over all was forgiven. It was amazing. So anyway, my wife was coming Coming back like doing that like the news. Well with the jacket. Yeah, it feels good. It feels right You feel like you know things. Yeah, my wife was coming off the road And I was fucking dead ass tired and her flight got cancelled and I hate coming back from the road to a quiet house

I just fucking hate that shit. So I sucked it up and I was just like you want something to eat You know, you want a bath or something ready? You know, just those types of things because I'm an asshole So I gotta make sure I build up some yeah some frequent flyer miles that I can use when I'm being a dick So fucking crush this grilled cheese sandwich, man Cut into it was crunchy So the whole the whole fucking deal we are so off the rails right now. We're actually here to promote Oh, yeah, no, I that's what it is because you're steering this towards me and then I'll start talking. I know what you're doing Yeah, I know what you're doing. You're one of the great

Comics of all fucking time and you're going to one of the great countries and continents in the lower hemisphere Yeah, and it's summer there I'm such a pussy. I live in arizona and You know it Can I say where you're going first before you just literally you're like I'd never met a guy so anti promoting himself At your uncomfortable. Yeah, it's like a patrice level Uh doug stanhope who you must go see is going to be touring australia. He's going down under everybody Uh, february 18th to march 3rd

You got some days off in the middle. This man knows how to tour brisbane February 18th february 20th in perth You got to go visit bond scott's grave if you never did that little creatures seen as a statue there on the beach, right? Yeah, yeah, it's cool. Sydney australia not one but two nights at the north's auditorium february 24 25th 27th and is it canberra? I never even heard canberra canberra Where is that? It's the uh, it's south central. I believe I mean for an american comedian. That's a pretty obscure one Yeah, that's capital capital of what australia. It's not sydney or melbourne. No

Oh, that's like how like albany's the capital of new york. Yeah, all right So they some great shit was happening but not for a while right like ottawa is the capital of canada. It's like is it I don't even play ottawa glory days. Um adelaide march 1st March 3rd. You'll be in uh, melbourne. Um, that's a fun city Yeah, melbourne's a fun city. I went last time. I think I went there I just happened to go there and the and the us opened it's kind of like portland, seattle where or austin maybe where It was really cool. I like seattle. I think it might it's been a while since I've been there But it's like it's not as hip as it pretends it is

Like austin, you know They get a little fucking snooty I think that's the place that you'd get in trouble for saying shit if there is a place over there But I know isn't it wild? I remember being in melbourne one point and saying saying how you're all racist and they fucking cheered Like what Wait, isn't it kind of a weird thing how like when we were young Older people Used to get offended you if you pissed off older people you were in trouble and the older people were the

Establishment and now that we're old It's like younger people are the establishment and they're the ones that can end your career Like this has been a weird like when do we get to be the assholes going like hey, I don't like what you just said there That offends me and my bald ginger fucking universe Um, I actually think that most of that is is complete horseshit anyways. I think it's a very small amount of people and yeah, because I I've been people want the real shit. I always take off between Thanksgiving and Super Bowl And as I say at house fire just be through January 1st now you go all the way to the Super Bowl

Well, I always have like I I've done the last couple years. I've done new years eve in vegas But otherwise Thanksgiving through Super Bowl. I'm watching playoffs and shit and uh Fucking yeah But now the my fucking house burned down didn't burn down But I know you're telling me that so so I yeah, I've been living out of hotels for the entire time You had a fire like electrical fire goddamn space heaters, right? Yeah, yeah, so it was all burned from the ceiling up all these canceled comedians and you can still sell a space heater you know

But I had solar put in so I'm like fuck. I'm gonna get a bunch of space heaters I'm not going to use gas if I get free electric because I get solar Well, it burned the fucking roof down So now they have to take off the solar paneling and then take off the roof and rebuild the fucking So this is the clip they're going to post Doug stanhope rants against solar power Hashtag fuck you jimmy carter point is that I'm so I I was going to cancel australia just because the insurance has been just a fucking nightmare to deal with They're the worst

Yeah, and I like what if I have to sign shit when I'm in australia and I go fucking it's summer there I don't care those guys are fucking criminals They're literally fucking criminals and none of those fuck all of these platforms that going off And I'm trying to like fucking destroy people in the individual's life They don't do shit to them You can turn the food supply into poison You can fucking get people addicted to heroin You can do whatever the fuck you want as long as you buy commercial time on those cunts fucking channels cnn and and fucks news

And they don't say a fucking word, but if you're an individual Forget it if you're driving a little van Fixing people sink and your dick fell out of your slacks one day. Forget it. You're going down. I can't go and state farm quite yet because Like first of all they have to deal first of all they got to find someone to work I live in a small town where no one wants to fucking work It's like everyone's on disability or you know social security or something. How did you end up there? It's a cool town. I found when I was I had to leave la

I was fed up and I found this town that I'd gone back to I was just killing time between gigs in phoenix and el paso. I had three days off So I just driving around and it's just such a beautiful town and it's 5 000 people and I love small town. I love no traffic It's amazing. Right. It's usually small town means fucking hillbilly, you know redneck, but this is kind of half artsy half He's still that's perfect people that have a sidearm in the fucking convenience. Yeah, and people that are like spaceships Yeah, exactly. That's the balance you need on a small beautiful balance. Yeah So chick with a dread white chick with dreadlocks with a rainbow color in it. All right. I can Yeah, those towns are um

I'm not gonna say the name because it's I don't want a bunch of people to move there on this guy But I know a comedian that moved to a town like that in a midwest state and you went out there And you're like, oh, this is a this is a nice little it has that the older guy Well, it has a was he a mayor of that town? No, he's on Clint Eastwood. No, I think it drew Hastings He moved to some small Ohio town, I think. Oh, that's amazing. He became mayor had a scandal funny guy

Had a scandal. Okay. I forget some they Some whore threw herself at him I'm kidding Some financial tale as old as Ohio itself Comedian who's the small town becomes the mayor and it must have been a sex scandal. I just played Dayton and uh, I guess Cheapel's little town. There's yellow springs, Ohio, which is like 30 minutes out of like I want to go to Cheapel's town And uh, just get a real estate person to show me around just for the rumors to spread while you're there

There's a there's a farm there That has you know to sustain the farm not only are they farming they also have like a restaurant in a dairy place One of the greatest milkshakes i've ever gotten in my fucking life If you're literally looking at the cows as you can tip your Yet your class to him. I Did his COVID shows. I have thought about that milkshake for fucking over. I mean it was like Two years ago. What the hell was that 2020 or 2021? I can't remember if if he had those shows I think it was the next year. I don't fucking remember. I just remember that milkshake though

I'm not a food guy like that, but there was a place we just hit in nashville, tennessee That had the best breakfast taco i've ever had and for the rest of the tour every morning at breakfast we're going fuck Yeah chasing it. Yeah, nothing's ever gonna talk to us the worst What's the name of the place don't remember? It's probably the name of your milkshake place No, but it's the only giant barn with rides It has like a fucking water slide next to some cows. I mean that's all right Well, if you're in the nashville zany's condo look for breakfast breakfast tacos near me and it's the closest one

Okay. Yeah, that's how I found it. Yeah, because who the fuck has tacos in nashville? But they're not as rare as you think but It's not like main Main actually had a decent burrito when I went there one time in portland All right, how fucking old are we? I'll tell you it has a good cup of coffee grand rapids michigan They got a lunch counter and i'm special If you walk in there and you have funny bone passes into sport coat I like we're both dressing like 80s comics. I I did a thing the other night

I just decided I was going to dress like the comedians that uh inspired me Although there's 80s comics for better or for worse A lot of them because they were funny and then towards the end They gave me a like well, I could fucking do that. Jesus christ You know when that person was on Yeah, what's more inspiring is watching really great comedy that you want to get that good or just watching real shit comedy Where you go? I don't have to try that. I when you start I think before you when you're trying to get the courage to start I I felt it was a combination of both

Watching these amazing comics being like oh man, that must uh, some may I you know Just something about draws you to it you for some crazy reason think that you can do it And then when you watch bad comedy, you're like, you know, because when you see the great comic You're like, how the fuck do you how is he so relaxed? How do you do that shit? And then when you see the bad one you're like, oh, I can I mean I could do that and he got on fucking tv Shit, maybe I could maybe I could try to never watch comedy I don't know how much you do but I did because I don't want my fucking brain's leaky enough and spongy from alcoholism So I don't want to you know get that thing in my head

Uh, yeah, and then say it. Yes, you know floating around thinking it's one of your references Yeah, that's why I kind of stopped doing that. My thing is for some reason if I watch somebody At a club it doesn't stick it doesn't stick in there But if I watch it on tv if I sit down and watch a special I think it gets lost in my brain with oh, I saw this on tv And this is an okay reference like I'm making fun of law and order or something like that Yeah, like I can watch like a maria bamford where I know she's not going to say anything. Yeah, yeah She's so original but during quarantine. I started watching like some of the new guys that I hear about and

And but a lot of the like my peers I'm like, I hope this is mediocre Right Just kind of hope I don't have to look up to this. Yeah. Yeah, I don't watch uh, I don't watch much of it I watch old movies and for old movies to me are like in like the 70s and stuff. I was telling you earlier I'm kind of on this Bert Reynolds kick and uh Tonight I'm watching some movie. I'm kind of a movie night But I watched with some buddies of mine And uh, I think we're going to watch this Billy the Kid movie

That has like James Coburn in it or something like that who'd like James. I mean James Coburn is the shit So I kind of do that and then what happens is is The world keeps moving on I think it's part of being old part of being old is you should not know what's going on, right? I I hope so while you while you lecture people younger than I was everybody has a fucking opinion twitter's ruined because it's just Everyone's got an opinion about every fucking thing and so no it's it's beautiful to not know what's going on Yes, no it is it is it's nice radical apathy. That's what I did But I won't say though there there are for as much as this back because there's a lot of funny people On twitter and on instagram. There's some fucking hilarious shit

On instagram and I feel like I feel like twitter's harder because you have to do it with your words Um where instagram is you know, but there's an art to that too, but like uh, of course, I can't think of anything There's been shit that like people write to me On on my twitter when I look at it and I fucking burst out laughing like if it's just that right level of mean and funny It's just fucking now. They have reason to fight right mean you know what the old movie I watched that I really remembered almost none of was a fucking network is so good and so like relevant to today

So good to go back I've seen a movie twice and I kind of forget it too other than the one he's I'm mad as hell and I can't take it anymore I remember that and then I combine it with that guy who shot himself in the mouth on tv and like bud wire Yeah, did that happen on youtube or is that a network? It all just starts like blending together I don't know, but I would tell you, uh, you know, I really enjoy Uh, whatever the whatever part of my life. This is I've been enjoying the hell out of it where you do shit like the fucking You fly helicopters for fuck's sake. I know it's fun. I don't do anything Like I took we last time we were in Australia

Hennegan knows a guy down there that has a helicopter and has this gorgeous restaurant But it's a little but and he flew us from whatever Adelaide. I think to the coast where his restaurant was and like I'm hugely afraid of heights and I'm very claustrophobic So it was like two of my biggest fears perfect in one And so I you know had a few belts beforehand And it was boring as shit I was prepared to be terrified

Like I'll get material out of it if nothing else and I'm like, no, that's a good thing That means that guy if he flew you nice and safe Yeah, but I was kind of hoping he'd go fucking low and slow over the rice pad. He's with a fucking If you asked him to we probably would have I don't think he goes slow. I think he you got to keep your airspeed so you can Enter a flare. I'm gonna be a dick. But like yeah something like that. Um Yeah, I've flown with guys like that. I've flown with guys. There's two types of guys guys They just want to fly around and then guys want to do shit and guys don't want to do shit. It's just like

You realize you're doing shit and I'm here, right? Don't I get a say in that? They like watch this Is one of those things I flew out of this guy Yeah, I want to fucking Robert Duvall from apocalypse now. All right. Well, I know a guy That has one of those helicopters I've got to fly it and you know briefly and he was flying it and then the guy that he flies with He went totally apocalypse now. We were out in the desert and he was just fucking hauling ass About like it felt like 10 feet off the ground

And I'm just thinking like That's that's like Have you ever flown yourself to a gig? No, because it's it's just too much pretension pretension. Yeah, and what land on top of an improv. No, I Good night everybody You know that reminds me of like one of me and uh patrice were getting sick of the road

We were somehow riffing one night and we came up with the fact like what if you were a superhero? And you still were a stand-up comedian. You didn't stop crime or anything You were stand-up comedians the greatest things you could fly yourself home every night. You just be like everybody Oh, because I remember what I said. I think that was him. He probably said that I was saying how I want to have like enough money to have a helicopter and as I'm doing my closing bit Like a hook came down and I just put one foot on I just wave and they take me up And I'm in the helicopter and then they just cruise me over to the airport and I'm fucking out of there And that's what we started riffing on and then some I forget it was probably no one

It was probably him because that's a really funny idea. It was that he was basically be a superhero And instead of a sport coat, you have a cape You guys were great and he would just fly him every night Even if you're doing a week at a funny bone, you could just fly yourself home To your lair or whatever the fuck you call it. All right, everybody at stamps.com You know 2023 is already well underway So don't wait any longer to level up your small business and set your year up for success Get ahead of the competition by using stamps.com to mail and ship

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So I'm sure you oh, yeah that that was not uh, I had such a cough like uh You know like your hair hurts You know that that's what it felt like. I don't have any hair on my head. I'm going what is this and then the doctor told me I said, oh when you coughed that much You know, I don't know what I didn't know what you said. I was just like, yeah I think I had two hernias and they said is likely from coughing from 40 years of smoking coughing at night blew out my guts I gotta that's not possible

A smokers cough can act like you picked up a piano after a while Yeah, it it can get pretty violent Like if you get sick and you're a smoker the fucking cough lingers for a month or two all right has your Coughing fits your smokers cough has it ever set off a car alarm or a house alarm? That's what I'm just picturing You coughing like as loud as deniro was laughing in cape fear when he was behind those people I've never seen that one. That's another one. I've never seen

Yeah, that's an old movies I fucking hate like I would never watch gone with the wind or anything like no most of the ones that they recommend Yeah, uh Maltese falcon is great. All right, and what's his face? What is peter? Peter lorry dude, if you watch him trying to steal this scene from Humphrey Bogart The shit the business he's doing he has this cane And he's tapping it on the floor. He's spinning it. He's looking at it and shit And and bogart is just sitting there being him

He doesn't quote. He you know, he doesn't quite pull his focus But like it's you know, and I remember just like watching that and it just cracked me up going like man That shit has been going on Forever like actors trying to do things stage each other. Yeah, like they do shit It's funny because comedians we have like this really bad reputation for being like, you know They're off of themselves and it's really cutthroat and all that type of shit And we're really just kind of hanging out breaking each other's balls. I mean, there's definitely a couple of lunatics I'm not saying all actors are like this, but that is like a thing like there's a famous one that I saw

I mean, it's a story. I can't confirm it but in the uh, the magnificent seven When steve mcqueen and yule Brenner are riding that that little wagon with the body in the back up the street And there's all of these fucking guys. They say I forget why if you went up there. They might maybe we're gonna get shot um Steve mcqueen is loading a shotgun and yule Brenner is like doing his lines or something and he starts shaking The little whatever you call it the bullet thing and then listening to the pellets or whatever and you see yule Brenner literally gives him a look which

I always took it as a kid like he was looking at him like let's do this shit and they were like he was fucking pissed at him That he was like trying to like it's like i'm doing my lines. I had somebody one time like fucking They're coming around and it's My coverage and they already improved and I played with them and everything and they came around to my coverage And this person is still improving doing different shit And it's and they're stepping on my lines and they're sentencing me to adr and all of this shit They're not fucking working with me and I just wanted to be like buddy. They got your shit already Like what are you trying to do now?

And it's like it was one of those things where it's like you've done this shit enough That you know what the fuck you're doing. I've had that happen on I did a number of times Uh, uh, very small part. They get cut. Thank god from uh, chris rocks movie. What do you mean? Thank god I got this thing here. That's the different where where you are you are voted actor of the fucking year. What is it? Where is that? It's uh Hey, but this was this was chris rocks movie. I forget what it was called. It had every comic best actor Doug stanhope and can I say the name? Yeah, yeah the road dog Doug stanhope Double threat you do a little tap dance here. We can we can start in one movie

It made it to one festival and I won one award and I'm quitting There you go But the chris rock thing I had a top five. I love that movie. Yeah I was playing a cop and then I I had a couple lines and he I was there for like fucking 14 hours and they just kept sorry about this. We're gonna push your scene as later And uh, then he then I get in there and he goes Yeah, just just riff with it like I memorized my lines. I have nothing to riff not a riffing guy You didn't say that did you?

No, I tried and failed what it's what I did is I looked like an asshole, but no you don't you just Well, I didn't make the movie Well, I mean that probably has nothing to do with that and I was supposed to be racist I think I was I had to say the n-word and I'm like that's just very uncomfortable for me It's not you saying it's the cop. Oh, but you got to lead into it Yeah, but then would never not if you're when you're ad-libbing you go, okay This might sound like it came from me. Oh there. Well, I wouldn't I wouldn't ad-lib in n-word I would do the script in n-word. You know, there's definitely rules to this shit. Exactly

It was very ad-libbed n-word. Yeah, they ain't they ain't gonna be good Um, so you got you got it, you know, even though you lost the roof on your house Yeah, so you're an award. You are an award-winning actor exactly and that's why I did I get this offer It's not a big budget picture Uh, you probably won't see it in theaters. It's gonna be in this film festival This hollywood independent real independent film festival. Is it gonna be out here at the end of the month? Yeah, they don't announce. Please text me. I'll go see what our date is Excellent. Yeah, no, I would appreciate a retweet because I I did it as a lark. It was five weeks last year in Chicago

I'm like, I'm not going to the fucking Chicago. I'm not an actor. First of all, right I'm not gonna freeze my balls up for five weeks in the worst place and you did it. Look what happened And I did and uh, yeah, then I hadn't heard a thing about it and then then all of a sudden Oh, yeah, you're gonna win best actor. I went, oh There you go. There you go. Look at that. I just wanted to say you are an actor Yeah, and I'm a movie star because I star in this movie an award-winning movie Anybody can come in and do a scene right and get the little hey best supporting little fucking little Tushu thing you did there, right? But you you actually you had to carry the movie you put that movie on your phone

I played the uk and he gave us some edibles and we decided to travel with him when we're flying to Glasgow So I'm also an international drug smuggler Award-winning movie star. Wait, when did you consume? Every night of the uk tour. Oh, so you brought it with you Yeah, he gave us a giant bag on one of the first nights If you were a woman, you would have got arrested like that woman in the wnba But because of your privilege Dude people who bring drugs to other countries are fucking idiots. This was from, you know, london to glasgow

Oh, no, yeah, fucking idiot. Why would you do that cookies? They were cookies. I don't even know the law Can I tell you something? I don't even know the laws of this country. Everybody acts like they do You don't know what the fucking laws are. I don't know. I'm not going to some other country They can paddle me in fucking public Well, to be fair, to be fair, I, uh, Hennegan carried them so But I was a mastermind of the international drug smuggler You know, I remember a long time ago I used to work in a warehouse and there was this guy always had a new car, right?

And he was like 10 years old and then us and we used to go out drinking and then when we would be done drinking Hey, you want to take him for a spin? We'd be like, yeah He would have us basically drive drunk home most of the way So he could get home for free Son of a bit, do you know what's funny about that is I didn't figure that out to like 20 years later I think, you know, you just sit down thinking going wait a minute That guy didn't want me to drive his mercury cougar because he liked me He was worried we were going to get pulled though. He was trying to sober up and make me drive most of the

Yeah, when you look back at stuff like when I hate to even say cancel culture But when you do that inventory of your life, like all the horrible shit you did How drunk you drove at points that like shit you should actually be shamed for doing I never did that If I got drunk, I drove myself home. I didn't make somebody else fucking do it. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's somebody else who's drunk But I'm saying just driving drunk at all. Oh, dude, I've driven drunk probably 1200 times. Yeah They say you have to do it like 700 times to get caught And then I got caught and then I didn't do it. Oh, you did for a while

I got I didn't do it for a while and then like, you know a little while goes by It's like kicking heroin. You're like, all right. I got it done. You're any then you go fucking do smack Yeah, I No, once you know it was it was easy because I started comedy and and all the guys dame patrice Robert kelly, none of them drank so I was just like, all right. I mean, I just kind of do what people You know, I don't have original thoughts I just do whatever anybody around me does and then I moved to new york And it was like you couldn't drink a drive because I couldn't afford a fucking car

So and I wasn't really drinking that much It was when I came to la the first time in the 90s that I was and he had a fucking drive everywhere And it was like you'd have a couple of beers You know, but I never drove like hammered I remember I might I might have I was I lived out of my car for three years and Just a lot of cars all piece of shit cars and wanted breakdown and I'd buy another $400 car But I got to a point where I got a colorado license because my license was expiring

So I just got oh, I'm in colorado. You get it the same day. So I got it there I had new mexico plates and organ insurance or something that sport coat on and then you get pulled over Oh, this is my mullet ears and I got pulled over in minneapolis and uh, I was I was pretty shit-faced and I gave him all my stuff and he's like, why do you have It's none of this match I go because I'm a road comic and you could just see him Calculating the amount of paperwork you'd have to do for all this and he's just just just get home safe Oh, wow Dude, I saw one recently on instagram where the guy tried to

Fuck and send this guy home. Just get home safe Right the people they animate these cops pulling over people And he goes, all right, just get home because he admitted, you know, yeah, I had a couple drinks Whenever he goes, all right, do me a favor. He goes just drive up there make that right park your car and walk home Because i'm do your solid he goes, all right And then he goes, wait a minute. He goes, where's my wallet? He goes, I gave it back to you. He goes, no, you didn't you fucking piece of shit and he started not Then he got his dumbass arrested. He was out of it. The fucking guy was out of it. So, um

I don't know. Yeah, I guess I guess I don't know When I I read the like the story like the kids Fucking hucking rocks over and over pass And you know one of them goes through a windshield and kills a lady like how many times was I was that kind of kid. I was a fucking he's put shit on the train tracks All right, yeah, I had a kid, uh Looked down the street from memory put a office desk on the train Then he used to climb up the tower

And the guy'd be blowing the fucking horn and they would be going like that, you know By the time it was just one of those things there was just no cameras and shit He put like a sofa on there I mean it was no match for the train. It could destroy like a fucking It was just a maze but what was weird was we were on like The desk flying side of it. It was really stupid. What we but none of us were doing well in physics. So do you know glenn wool? Uh, no robert wool glenn wall is a comic. He's a canadian lives in london Uh, uh, england new mexico lisa, but we're yeah, we're in uh, we're in london

And we're said pre air bnb But it was basically an air bnb that were put up and I know it's I don't three or four stories up and it had We're on the roof. We have the Outdoor smoking patio there and we were getting fucking hammered and I'm sure there's probably some coke involved I don't But well, you want to keep drinking you gotta do the coke like trash over there is impossible They don't have trash cans in the street because evidently they blew them up back when there was terrorism or So hard. Oh, is that what that is?

So I have all this trash that's accumulated and we're fucking hammered and Start throwing our trash off the top of this The apartment building Into the fucking sidewalk like four in the morning because we're above all the cctv cameras and Woke up the next day go. I could have killed someone Yeah

And I don't have the excuse of i'm a juvenile delinquent. I'm in my fucking 40s Locked heavy trash bags full of fucking beer bottles in the street Yeah Jesus dug. Yeah, and you think i'm gonna fucking worry about being yeah, pressuring or going to my hand job 20 years ago I got one of those We used to get hammered down at fannyville hall and it was this fire escape We would climb up me me and this, uh, buddy of mine And we would go up there and talk about life

We called it the roof truth and you go up there and you'd have to say what was going on in your life, you know Fucking, you know, some chick broke you. How old are you? Uh 20s, right? And we used to always look down there was this skylight at the top of this staircase of a lower building and we were just up there We go to orgy. How much did you give me if I throw a fucking bottle right through that thing? and uh We didn't do it and then we just kept every night that would end every time we go up there and then eventually one of us threw it

I can't remember it. I think it was the other guy. I don't remember it I don't know if it went through but I was just thinking what if some woman was coming up there and it came through the glass cut her face and just Fucking idiot. Well, we were uh, I was probably like 11 maybe 10 11 12 My brother got his first BB gun and our parents went out left us alone at home with the BB gun So we lived right in a Paxton, Massachusetts right in the town square So we're trying to shoot the liquor store sign from across the street because we're right there And our parents are getting close to getting home. So uh We're the whatever you call it the fucking a roof of the

Sunroom, right? I guess you'd call it. Uh, Can I have a sunroom? It's not called a sunroom, but it's that kind of way a fucking a florida room You know, it's attached, but it's well. I feel like I'm agreeing with you when you're Anyway, the point is we're on a fucking roof and my brother has eight pumps in it And he just does this to shoot the last bullet and it hit a lady's Driver side window and it just fell like a waterfall and she locked up her brakes And I remember us thinking we might have killed someone at that age

Just sitting turned on the tv like one day at a time is on and we're trembling and trying to keep everybody cool Yeah Yeah, this is what you did before the internet everybody This is why video games and the internet are a good thing because I think it kind of keeps people But then they escalate it right then they re-enact the game and they go down to a mall and fucking shoot everybody I don't know. I don't know what they do like our like low-level terrorism Terrorism you know the worst thing about terrorism is it doesn't fucking work And then they always take now we got to spend nine hours at the fucking airport

And there's no trash cans and fucking that that's what she accomplished You made the average joe's life even more fucking miserable because this is not you can yeah But that guy does walk down the street in london go see that no trash cans Yeah That was me All the pollution goes right in the fucking gutter. That was me. You smell that? It doesn't make It's actually rebelling against the queen

She never heard about it I love that you're trying to take out the queen So you blow up trash cans like she's anywhere near a fucking like they never seem to get the people that they're upset with Yeah, it just has to be just a bunch of fucking regular people You know yeah, I like I think people would like terrorists a lot more if they occasionally hit their targets Well, what murder is I remember I did a bit about it. I think I'm Where there's a it was a one of the cop killings

Where they had killed a black guy on our black guy and then It was baton rouge and then Like that that same week Some black guy came out and killed a couple of cops or three cops or something I go well that would have worked out if Like you killed the actual cop that killed the on our black guy

Yeah, then the whole world would go that worked out. Yeah, because for all you know, you just killed Three cops that were actually good guys. Yeah Yeah, if you actually got the one that pulled the trigger, then it's a wash. Ah, emotions Yeah, no motions. They run high next thing. You know, you're blowing shit up. I think it's more Sloth it's laziness. I'm just gonna kill whoever I see first Yeah, I don't have time to try to find the cop that actually did it right. Yeah Are we all guilty of that? Once you sit down

Yeah, that was you know, it was like there should be a mass murderer that went out and just killed people that most People would agree deserve being murdered and then they'd build a statue of you Well, that kid in wisconsin, you know, one of the people he killed was a child molester. Oh, yeah That was one of the few. Yeah that Reynolds kid. That was one of the few we like was that publicized? Yeah. Well, I mean not initially Not initially but initially it was like, you know, like all of that shit happens like people want to get rid of guns Guy leave that detail out like everybody's spinning it That was what was so funny about that one guy's show where he would be like, there's a no spin zone It's like don't we all do that. Yes, we all do. It's just like it is impossible

If you want to go somewhere you say come on, it's only like 20 minutes away And if you don't you go fuck, it's like half an hour. I don't want it. Yeah You think I didn't just hand select the dirtbag stories I wanted to tell you from my past I'm not gonna tell you all my drunken fucking escapades and fucking driving like an asshole Are you drinking lately? No, I I quit in uh 20 the end of 2018. I got kids dude. It's just something about being drunk And you know how many facts I got I had to stop listening to your podcast years ago because you did not get any facts from my podcast Just little things like you yeah, you supposedly if you quit drinking for like 40 days, your liver regenerates

Just little things like that that I take is medical fact. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No. No, I've never done the full I don't even know but I don't know if that's but you said it cleanses it I had to stop because we would be at it But I'm not sitting there with like a medical degree behind. I know that's what I'm I'm I'm aware of that But if if it's knowledge that you want to hear it's factual There you go. Yeah, well what what what my my disclaimer on my podcast is when I read out loud And then it's just like if you're listening to anything that I say if you listen me fucking read out loud That's definitely I always I'll also use that when I

Try to freeform Some ads for my podcast my fucking producer goes mental like no just read what's on the paper Because we've gotten fired from some some companies that are so what but for really funny shit Yes, and I'm like I always use you like fucking bill burr. I said it was partially famous for fucking up the what Cherries and they wanted me to take that down And I just didn't I was like I didn't say no I just didn't respond to them and then they sold way more than all then halfway through the week. They spun it around And then then I did another read and I pissed them off again, right?

No, they kept coming back for a few years. Yeah, that was the one and done one was Nature's box. I read it as nature box. I said, oh you're going down on mother nature and that was Snacks and bill goes on need this just going napple Yeah, every once in a while you got a burn a sponsor That's what that's what we had one was the one of the sheets Uh, Brooklyn in Brooklyn and sheets and they say it's started by this couple Whatever their name is is in the ad copy. So we every time we'd make up these fantastical situations about how like they're friends bars Yeah, Roy and Janice or whatever their fucking name is. You know what one night

They got in a domestic and uh, he hit her over the head with a statue Dottie killed her now. He's Chad my buddy Chad is helping him move the body and then uh, All of a sudden starts kicking there. They dug a hole. They're about to put her in She was just knocked out and you know what the Brooklyn and sheets the blood came right out of them But it was so creative but he has to think though fired People would buy it then and they're also like they would look forward to the ads They wouldn't fast forward through them and they obviously know that that never happened. Yeah But it's not it's not those two people that heard it. It's the fucking ad company

I I shit all over uh an audible read got fired Just saying like this This read is embarrassing to this product because you know audiobooks kept me alive on the road And i'm not reading this and I gave my own beautiful Reason for why you should use audible and uh, but no it's because they got a sheet on the ad copy because they wrote it They wrote it and they wrote some embarrassing shit and I'm gonna promote audible anyway because I have fucking three books on it. So They realized they're paying me for you have three books on there. Yeah

Now do you have to sit down and read the whole fucking thing? Yeah How long does that take forever because I read like you Oh, I know If I ever The first two I had my buddy chat my From my podcast I'd do a chapter and then he'd do a chapter and then I'd do a chapter But the first two was fun because uh, I would I'd stop it at points

And then have people from those stories podcast style go. Okay Hang on a minute. You that's not the way I remember it. So we do that's cool Yeah, so it's part audible book part podcast So when you read it if you if you fuck up a word you got to go back to the beginning of the sentence of the paragraph No, you have a they'll have a producer There or the one I did during covid was on you know zoom and they'll stop and go Okay, yeah, you fucked that up and do that again do that again Which was a lot how long were the sessions?

Uh, probably six hours a day three days Can you get keith richard's book on audible? That's 700 pages. I just can't picture him. I would imagine he had someone else read it I did uh Why didn't you do that? Uh, don't you have an opener running the light? Have you heard of sam talent running the light? It's best best one of the best books i've ever read No, and it's about it's a fiction, but it's about a road stand-up comic Kind of like I play in this movie this movie that by the way the road dog false

I play a 55 year old alcoholic chain smoking Waning in his career stand-up comic still on the road dying of liver failure So and that's basically what that book is about. He was so angry when I go I'm doing a movie that's pretty much your book Oh, he was mad that they they didn't want to know well He wanted to get his book optioned and then but this yeah, he could still do his book. Yeah Uh, what the fuck was I talking about? We would audio voice. Oh, and Keith Richards. So he outsourced it. Why didn't you out?

Oh, so so running the light sam talents book He had a different comedian read each chapter and I remember doing my chapter and he was there and uh Fuck what was the word? I uh It was gallop Something he began a gallop away and I I read it as galop You know what? All right I think I'm too tired to do that. We're gonna stop today. Yeah got a lot of good stuff. Did you just say galop?

I do that. Oh, I mean I can't read anything I kept calling uh I you know what's funny that that singer Adele Yeah, like I knew her name was Adele and when I would go to read it. I would say Adelaide I think it's one of those things right after it comes out of your mouth you feel your cheeks getting red like oh god Did everybody hear that? Do they all know how stupid I am now you can see that in people's faces?

I think that but I like doing that because I feel that that inspires people They're like this guy just said Adelaide And he's doing all of these gigs shit. I gotta get into that business that sounds like it's sounds like it's easy You know, can we get back to talking about cars? You talked about buying those $400 cars. I remember a long time ago When you did the man show You had a uh, you had I want to say it was a dodge aspen woody. It was uh Like it was like a dodge aspen. I don't know if it was a dodge aspen. It was it was one of those chrysler k cars No, that's when liai koka came back

to uh to Kick that was an unvertible. I bought off of ebay I was really good at the man show. I've just sitting there all day when I should be writing and just buy and shit on ebay Because now I had some money It was this Like lime green with white racing stripes And I thought it was a convertible, but they I didn't look that never showed it with the top up It had the the canvas around where you would you know

Have a but there was no roof. They just cut the roof off. Yeah, and it was such a piece of shit We had to drive up to fresno and then drive it back to the lot and we just it was such garbage Wait, but I had wood on the side, right? I don't think it had wood. Oh, it didn't have wood. No, it didn't I remember that car because I had an audition on whatever lot you guys shot on I walked by it and I was laughing because I remember you said you used to park it next to rogens I parked. Yeah, I had assigned parking next to he had some fucking hundred and twenty thousand dollar Porsche And I parked that next to him and I had the props department Printed up a bumper sticker that said I'm with rogan with an arrow towards his car

He rogan always had cool cars when I first came out to la in like 95 or 96 he gave me a ride from uh The laugh factory over to the comic store and he was already like a let like the legend I Like I looked up to that guy like oh my god. I can't believe Joe rogan's given me a fucking ride You know and he had something I want to say it was Japanese, but it was just some sick fast with a big fucking Spoiler in the back. I think I don't I don't remember. I'm not good with 90s cars, but he had

You know at that point. I think he was on news radio. All right, so he had news radio. He had a barracuda. I think I remember that one from trick my ride or I don't know No, I don't think it was that no no no no I think he because those guys those guys on pimp my ride All right, what was hilarious was they would redo the whole car, but not the powertrain enough that you still had this shitty engine And transmission it's kind of like bar rescue Yeah, but like a fish tank in the fucking hatchback like all right No, I don't know what the fuck I supposed to do with that or a flat screen

I remember one time they put a flat screen like Underneath the car and the I don't know why people like oh, that's fucking dope Like you land your back and smoke a joint. It's like that is the dumbest shit They did something like that. I don't remember that looks like back one Remember when they would have like the aquarium lighting underneath the car and that was considered Like a cool thing to have you still have that old beater pickup truck I do I resent that it's an old beater. It's a fucking great truck 68 4f 100. We're talking about yeah Runs like a purse like a kitten

I bought a uh, which was supposed to have 4,000 original miles beater pickup truck. Yeah, it's all beater pickup truck That's what you loved about it Wait, which one you taught I've had a couple of them the black one I don't know. There's one that you had remember one of the white end of the world 2012 end of the Mayan calendar me and rogan and joey coco Diaz. Okay. Yes. You were driving it then So it was whatever you had in 2012. No, I still have that. Yeah It's fantastic. Yeah, I bought a Pacer that was off of ebay. I used every time I bought a car off ebay piece of shit

But it was gorgeous like a gorgeous looking. What color was it? I orange ish You know, it's funny about the there's a big misconception about the pacer That that car came out in the 70s and no one questioned it and everybody liked it I remember being in a car the first time we saw it me and my mother we were bursted out laughing going Oh, yeah, no, it was ridiculous. It was ridiculous like the gremlin All right, but whenever they do like a that 70s show or that type of shit They have everybody back there in a pacer and no Yes acting like people did this shit and everybody had a fucking lava lamp and callers out to here

It's like fucking chevy vega. My mother had a chevy vega wagon and that's when I like that Lemon law came out and that was one of the reasons. Oh, it was yeah I remember guys in my neighborhood used to buy it like those fucking cars They would somehow pull the engine and jam like a 350 in there. I mean, you know, there wasn't even enough room Under the hood and they would somehow I'm of this kid up the street when you look up those kind of cars on ebay Half the ones you find are exactly that they're souped up Yeah, fucking drag racing fucking That's a fascinating thing though that I learned about those because you make it with my

Ignorance, I thought if you just put a Faster engine in there the cars automatically faster in that type of which it is but you're also adding weight So that's like the whole like dynamic of a race car where it's like the more horsepower the more weight That's why if you ever like looked at it actually a real race car No Everything is gone right down to like the accelerator pedal. They take that it just looks like a coat hanger hook It's whatever that floor thing say take that out just every it actually looks like a piece of shit I was uh, I stood next to one. Um

I went to the f1 race in uh, montreal just to dump weight Just to dump weight because you all you want you just basically want a guy in his seat And an engine as light as possible lowest to the fucking ground I saw one of those f1 cars like up close One of those red bull ones the ones at daniel ricardo We were in his uh area with a garage And I was like man that thing looks like a piece of shit Like I could put my fucking foot through it and then the race starts and they were just like

Just like a blur We had such great seats, man. It was like right at the first turn So this is for what this was for f1 f1. Yeah, this is back when which one The one in montreal. All right I watched that first season because it was quarantine where you watched every fucking thing on netflix But that f1 series that's still going but I I would recommend uh, moto gp Which is the the motorcycle racing which I missed this whole season. I was so fucking busy this year, but like um, when I started watching it it was mark marquez and uh

Andres de vizioso and it was a honda versus a Um Ducati and dude they would have these fucking epic ends to races where in the last two three laps They'd pass each other like 10 times and I would be up off my couch screaming Watching this shit and the problem with uh f1. I found was the cars were so fucking wide and and and um mercedes and um Lewis hamilton were just so good It was just sort of a race to the first turn and if if luis hamilton was in first place

And he was in that clean air that was it. You just watched you basically be just watching I'd be annoyed because the the coverage the coverage die No Super safe super safe like no one's knock on wood has died in moto gp Since like 2013 Now i'm a sort of a freak accident where this kid got run over but um There was one though one fucking race man It was this long straight away

And then it had this right turn and these two guys on the straight away got into it went onto the grass And they fucking wiped out and this fucking bike was cartwheeling going like 200 miles an hour And these guys were turning like this And it came flying through like uh, who was it valentino rossi The doctor right he was turning like this and you just see a fucking motorcycle Just go like it was like a trick shot Wow And they had to stop the race and he pulled over you can't imagine how much you must be shaking like dude

Like I almost just fucking died they're like all right get back out there and ride 200 miles and out 20 miles an hour on the on the screen you're already doing that Uh, if you're already going 180 miles an hour around those corners, how much more are you going to be phased by a motorcycle almost hitting you? Every second of that you should be shaking and shitting in your pants Yeah, but I think that like with anything that becomes like a complacency to it All right, and then we're all because there's still shit like as a comedian that like can happen Like I mean it does once you start selling tickets A lot of the drinks at you. Yeah, like do you remember like back when you like, you know

Before you became a name Yeah You'd go in and you would say some shit and there's this there's one thing pissing people off And then there's another thing of like is that guy gonna come on the stage? Yeah, it becomes like a different thing and I feel like with Motorcycle racing it's like yeah, this is what we do and yada yada yada and we got this inflatable when I fall off The fucking airbag comes out, but we don't have anything for that You know, I would just merely go okay. That's never happened in my career. What is the odds that that's gonna happen again?

Just yeah, I'm fine. Just it's not it's not gonna happen to me I'll be like you got to like block it out, but at the end of the day this they still are human And don't want to die despite I don't know what they're doing why this made me think of that But do you think if that guy From the bills with the heart attack. Do you think if that happened in the super bowl? They would have canceled the game No fucking way not at all No way

absolutely not I don't think they would have canceled a playoff game I think they would have get them in the ambulance before they tried the cpr Like, uh, I've heard this that you can't die at foxwoods Uh, this is my my brother's wife's father X-way He's he would go to foxwoods all the time and had a heart attack in a slot machine and died But they don't they they make sure you get off the property before they you're declared dead

You're not allowed to die at foxwoods I think the same thing would happen if that guy had a heart attack in the super bowl just out of curiosity Your clientele or degenerate gamblers like that's that's not gonna he didn't die from gambling Like what what is it about like I could see if there was okay. I got one for you if you look up shark attacks They always say in a rare shark attack. They always say rare Here's something you don't fucking see every day. Well, yeah, because we're on land and they're in the water, right? But if they always said like that word Is attached to shark attacks like ornate is attached to a theater or degenerate is attached to degenerate gambler ornate theater

Rare shark attack quaint village. Yeah, and it's exactly and I just feel like that there is a There's a little paola going on in these vacation spots Dude people get bit all the fucking time If you talk to people that go to jamaica and fucking the carabin and all that Like if they go enough times they were were there when somebody got nipped and the you know They go up and they do a little test bite to see if you're fucking edible or whatever It happens way more and then when somebody finally fucking dies You know and you got the yellow raft, you know and that chick's looking for a kid like in jaws

Then they got to go okay somebody died We have to report on this and then they go in a rare Shark attack the fact that the fucking thing comes up. I think in his nip nibbles you I'm just making I'm just going my this once again. I'm just saying shit here I think if this probably like the same way you can say it's organic You know if you don't feed the cow another cow within a year of fucking milk and it's titties or however they get around it I feel like with shark attacks if it's going up just to see if you were edible And after it's removed half your calf realize you aren't edible. It's not an attack

He was just curious. So but then if somebody fucking dies or loses an arm Somebody loses an arm you got to make a movie out of it. That's how that Oh god, he kept fixing shoes. What was that girl's name? He's a one-armed cobbler cobbler Cobbler Yeah, the one are the fact that she's still about her. I have no idea what it was Dude, the fact that she still would go out there. I mean You want to talk about like I mean, I can't even like the fucking level of fear the fact that there's this fucking thing

That could come at you and finish you off Maybe it was hollywood. I mean the thing would be coming back to to finish you off But like My thing about the ocean is all the bullshit is I got my head up here and it's all underneath there Like when I walk in the jungle, all right, I don't walk in the jungle But if I was to walk, why don't I just say that if I was Going to the jungle Like at least the fucking things it's like I am on the same plane. They are it's hidden in a bush or whatever

There's just something about something coming basically from another from another world From another world and then dragging you into an atmosphere where I can't even fucking breathe and then getting eaten alive I mean, it is like literally you've left earth. Okay. You're not on land anymore I if I if I just like hey, I'm still on planet earth. I go anything Yeah, they talk about all the time those Jacques Cousteau stories that is the whole other world that has not been fucking explored you get dragged in It's like the what's his face is movie us When you step through the fucking mirror, right and that fucking check comes out and kills you and takes over your life

The same thing that that is what goes on in the ocean. I do not Fuck with the ocean on any level or people go to the beach on's not even late So the balls that this woman had the ovaries on this check to fucking go back out there On that stupid see that's it. That's the order plate to say guts is being a kind Other people might say fucking idiot to go back out there after having your arm eaten Just saying you put a positive spin on it. She's a gutsy lady No, I think it's fucking insane to do it, but I would say this dude. I mean, you know, look How much dumb shit have we done in our lives? I'm fucking terrified of a fistfight

But people do it for for fun for a living. I don't even get paid for it People like to go out and punch people in the face. I asked a professional boxer one time I go, what are you thinking when you're going down to the ring and he was like he was an irish guy He's like, what the fuck am I doing? Why do I do this? And you know the second fucking bell rings, he's just all right I'm fucking doing this again and just like muscle memory Take so I had a special call that why do I do this that what I would that I would always be thinking that When I would be fucking like, you know, we don't have a microphone

It's not going to be a problem and you're like going out to do what's show it like a fucking college cafeteria And I remember as they were like going to bring that what that would always be thinking Why do I do this? Like why can't I just get what what is wrong with me? That I need to go up here and make all of these fucking people like me Like why can't I just just have a fucking job? They just go to work. Maybe hey, Helen, you know and just fucking sit down Yeah, but it'd be all right with that and have a cup of coffee in the paper be okay with that for a fucking

six hour shift Of an eight hour shift. You'd be gone Like I love comics who say, you know, if this ever becomes like work for me I'm gonna quit and do what get a job Which is exactly like work to you That's a good point. I'm sure you're talking a lot of people out of quitting They would talk somebody out of quitting that should have quit and then years later. They do quit I had another eight years to that fucking Bronco ride. It's the new ones where every and we all do it

In an interview what what advice would you have for up and coming aspiring comedians? And then you say get as much stage time as you can and get up every possible chance You can get to get on stage and you go well most of these people are going to suck and you're telling people 99% of who are going to suck to clog up as much stage time as possible Don't take no for an answer that kid's just going to be pounding the fucking rotary dial I'm sorry. I'm calling a club owner. Sorry. You do like this when I was in the jungle a minute ago Basically losing our minds that's why we're all dressed up. This is the final podcast that I'm going to have here um

anyway, uh Dude, it's so great to see you man. Nice. I will I will shoot you a tweet when we have uh, they will Don't wrap it up this fast. I want to see your dates again. This fucking guy if you live in Australia I'm telling you you got to see this guy. This guy's one of the greatest comedians Of all time and there's so many people out there that pretend that they don't give a fuck this guy in the best way ever Truly does not give a fuck and you you mean what a pleasure to just listen to somebody saying what he thinks I give a I give a lot of fucks in the morning Like i'm all fucks. I know

I'm giving away every fuck. I'm trying to say some nice shit. Then I start drinking and I don't give a fuck There you go. That's why I didn't like that that helicopter ride was fucking boring Why because I got drunk and then i'm not afraid of anything and I don't give a fuck Do you think maybe there was a part of you that you were so scared that you had to go there mentally? You're like good. It's fucking boring like when somebody sees a horror movie be like didn't fucking scare me You know that there's a roller coaster between la and vegas at that one place I know I've ridden that border and it's terrifying at one time. We've stopped there just to wake up You get you get soggy after three and a half hours driving. Hey, well, let's stop and take that roller coaster get some fucking you know

No adrenaline And then continue to vegas my wife at the time and I stopped there and decided to stay at that hotel So we do the roller coaster first and whoo And then I went down I started drinking and playing let it ride for hours losing. It's the worst game ever and i'm just Free cock I was a funny name And then let it ride like people have endless amounts of money Let it ride. It should be let that ride So then when my atm shut me off. I went fuck it. I'm going to do the roller coaster again

And I couldn't have been more bored. I sat on that roller coaster hammered angry Didn't care at all. It was the least thrilling thing. So what I'm saying is I can take you on an amazing helicopter ride I looked forward to that. Oh, you'd go up. Yeah. Well next time you're right here. Call me up I'll take you I'll show you an la you've never seen. You know what last time I laid from the air It's been a million years last time I did your podcast We said we were going to go up to some fan you had from Way up in there the arctic circle in canada and we go. Yeah, we should go up there together and do a show

Yeah, you know that guy's still waiting for us to show up. No, I wanted to do that. It was in uh, I've had a couple people up It's not yellow knife Yes, yellow is in it. Yeah yellow knife and then there was another place I keep threatening to go there All right. Well, like now you called me out on it. I got to go up there It's got to be just gotta be at least three planes Tucson's got a new airline that just flies to weird places in canada And I guess this I talked to a lady that was getting off of it flair airlines And they they have non-stops from Tucson to fort McMurray, which is eight hours north of calgary

and For 125 bucks. She said each way and I'm like, I think I might she goes it lasts through march I go I'm off when I get back from australia. I might fly out there north of calgary. That's not so that's past Edmonton Yeah, yeah eight hours north Jesus christ Yeah, that'd be fun to do I wouldn't even I wouldn't even charge for it I just go hey if anyone can set up because I wouldn't want to have to go through the bullshit of getting a work visa

Hey, if anyone's get a stage and some empty chairs I remember this because I've done all basically all the pro the provinces down south where all the people are Well, the the Colonists so whatever they come I want to go where the people were who used to live down there who got sent up there I want to do that one. Yeah oil rigs or whatever the fuck they do. Do you know? I never went back. I went one time you you hooked me up at chilku charlie's. Oh, yeah Is that anchorage adjuno? You were so angry. No, that's anchorage. It's still there. In fact, they have a

comedy festival coming up The fucking the comedy condo. Yeah, the the band house was the the filthiest Like of all the legend was literally Like like somebody took a fucking song went down the middle of it was it was like itchy like Red burns on everything like the tv had like I fucking stayed there and I remember, uh Ralph wouldn't Ralph he made a few months later rest his soul came up to me. He was like, yeah I just did chilku charlie's I go dude. How about that fucking comedy condo and he goes. I didn't stay there No, cuz they I don't want to be like it looked like it did no they they for

Liability reasons it was so they were afraid he'd go through the floor. It was that shitty He told me he said fuck you. I'm not staying there. No. No, that was absolutely. Oh ralfie you motherfucker His lies still exist He's gone, but but his fictionalizations live on yes Do you know how many porn stars blew him at the comedy store after everybody left Oh, let's have these stories. Let's not do this It was part of his charm. It was part of his charm I have a funny story about that. I'm not gonna do it here. I respect for a guy's not here to defend himself

All right, that is the podcast everybody. Thank you so much for listening the great Doug stan hope He's a road dog movie the road dog movie road dog movie the best actor In the road dog movie it's called the road dog movie, right? Yes. Oh the road dog the road dog Well, it's called the road dog the road dog the site is the road dog movie. Oh the road dog movie check that out He's the best actor and uh, that's it dog. Thank you so much for coming out Great to see you again. All right. I just shook hands like we just made a deal. All right. Thank you Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday february 10th 2015. How's it going? How are you?

Um, i'm back in the usa I just landed at jfk a couple of hours ago And i've been trying to get this fucking thing done my my olympus ls 10 That I bought like six seven fucking years ago. It finally died. I think it finally died after a trip around the world The old girl couldn't take it. You know, she went quietly quietly in the night um

Anyways, i'm psyched to be back. I had a great time on just a whirlwind tour around the world I don't even know where the fuck i am right now and i don't even know what time it is. Um, yeah, i do. It's 553 p.m east coast time according to my um My little fucking little little ipad thing here. Uh Ah, shit. I don't know what to tell you guys. What the fuck do you want from me? You know, all you cunts out there Who who gave me shit because the podcast is so Late this week All right, you didn't have the fucking decency

Did you to go onto my website and maybe have a little bit of empathy you'd be like, oh, oh, that's why That's why it's late. He's flying back from mumbai india The fucking three hours to dubai another fucking 13 hours on the goddamn plane and some douche Missed their connection When we were in dubai and that plane was on their plane their bag was on the plane So they don't let the cunt On the plane yet they spend 15 minutes trying to find or 20 minutes trying to find the fucking bag

And they take it off the plane. It's like at that point. Why don't you let's just let the asshole on the plane So we can all get out of here, right? Man, that's what I was doing. You know, when I used to run an airline, that's how I did it So I don't know what's going on with united arab emirates Emirates whatever the fuck the airline is that I flew anyways First of all before I get going. Thank you to everybody who came out to my shows in india china, singapore, whatever the fuck I was this week

It was my first trip to fucking asia And I had a a great time. I did not get caned in singapore um, I didn't have any secret police in china And no religious crazy people got me when I was in india You know So I survived it Singapore was great china was great. I don't fucking know what to tell you. Let's just talk about india

All right first and foremost the second you get to india. This is what you're going to see mum by india You are going to see the greatest drivers and jaywalkers You've ever seen in your fucking life I've never seen just complete fucking chaos when it comes to driving like Like I saw in india and Even like the old people were good at jaywalking what killed me they never changed their gate I guess gate is that running whatever whatever fucking speed they were walking When they stepped down in traffic, they just stepped out and just kept walking at the same pace

The traffic never sped up never slowed down. Nobody got hit It was unreal. I've never been in the back of a cab so many times going Ah, watch it. Watch it. Watch it. And just nobody slows down. Nobody speeds up. Everybody just keeps doing what they're doing It's like it was like it's like watching chevy chase In caddy jack when he's uh fucking puttin barefoot No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's how they fucking do it um Definitely the most insane crazy as coolest country i've ever been to was definitely uh, at least that city man. That was um

It was something else the people were really cool You know at first you freak out, you know when you show up and we landed there at like midnight and um You know we showed up to the hotel and there's a guy with like a machine gun and somebody checking for bombs underneath the fucking car You know which creeped me out at first and there was like a metal detector going into the fucking hotel But then I was just like all right now that i'm in here. I got a guy with a machine gun standing out front

This is way better than a red roof in So I guess it's just a big I guess maybe back in 2008 They had a terrorist attack so ever since then and the hotel always didn't get attacked or whatever So now they just have a guard there all the time, but other than that. I didn't see anybody with the gun It's a really safe city. The food was fucking tremendous and uh I did the show the last show of the um

Of the uh, of the tour. Sorry guys. There's gonna be a lot of fucking mental brain farts here this week. I'm just trying to take in everything that I saw um It was awesome and I got to hang out afterwards. I went out and got dinner with me in like 20 Indian comics and just sat there talking comedy for a good half hour 45 minutes before I had to go to uh The airport which was uh, one of the highlights of My career to be honest with you to be able to talk to people on the other side of the world to do what I do, you know and um

You know this these guys i'm going to send you a link to this Although maybe I shouldn't because I know they're trying to lay low but for those who listen to the podcast I did over there those same guys got in trouble because they just did a fucking roast, right? And according to them it was way tamer than anything in the in the us But uh, they haven't had I guess a lot of roast that might have been the first one And they did it they roasted a couple of bollywood guys And everything was fine everybody laughed everybody had a good time And then for whatever reason either they posted it online or somebody else did and the second went online

You know, you know what happens the second something goes online everybody starts going oh my god. What about the children? What about the fucking religious thing that I believe in what will this comedy do to that? You know what I mean like they will It's a fucking roast everybody's laughing having a good time. So whatever so they everybody freaked out and um you got like eight million hits and uh They're like sort of in trouble, but not in trouble, but they're in trouble like they could spend eight years in courts with I don't know what lawsuits or whatever

I was reading some of the comments and someone was just going like, you know, what does this say? What is this going to do to society? And blah blah blah blah blah and it's like have you fucking looked out your window over there Jesus christ. They got like in new deli. They have like a major problem with rapes Is a roast going to make that any worse? You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. I mean, I mean, I'm not even gonna fucking say some of the shit that I saw over there I saw a stray cow

a stray cow It's just it's fucking It's awesome. I see I don't want to say a half of this shit because I don't want to scare people from going over there Because it's one of the coolest fucking places I ever went to um But yeah, you'll see like a stray cow Eating garbage next to her like a Mercedes Benz driving by Okay, so you got you got the entire

Fucking colors of the rainbow there. It was it was awesome, man And the uh, the food was insane can't say enough about that and um Other than that, what else did I get a chance to see? I didn't get a chance to see anything Oh, this was the scary thing was I went into the country and because we we fuck with with uh Indian people when they come to the u.s. I guess Because we're trying to make sure that they don't illegally

emigrate emigrate whatever to our fucking uh Country immigrant, right em emigrate. Yeah emigrate. That's how it is Emigrate you leave emigrate you come in there you go bill. Yeah, you worked out yourself didn't you? um Anyways, so we fuck with them. So this is tit for tat thing. So then they fuck with us Specifically americans from the west coast. So they don't fuck with anybody from the east coast. I guess Um as far as like you come to the country and then once you get to the country

You you need another piece of paper stamped by the government so you can fucking leave You know or it's some bronx tail shit like now you can't leave until you get this fucking thing and then it's You know, it's just some big pain in the ass thing that took like two and a half hours for me to get but um I guess they've had problems with artists on the west coast but not on the east coast, which means to me that maybe somebody A governor or a senator of a state on the west coast like maybe schwarzenegger said something I have no idea what but somebody said something somebody pissed off somebody so next thing, you know

Old freckles has got to get up in the fucking morning and I go down to I don't know what the hell it was but I had this this big like Envelope a shit with my passport my working visa the fucking contract for the show all of that stuff I go inside the building and the promoter is not allowed to go with me So now i'm in there I mean this was like one of the biggest like touristy things that I got to do like really experience

Being an idiot and I fucking go up to the third floor and this is big long line of people All from different countries trying to get this piece of paper so they can fucking leave And uh the line moved quickly, but then they just got you into another room And it was like being at the fucking DMV and you know how that goes You're gonna show up with a stack of papers like the goddamn phone book and when you get up there You just see the look on their face. You're like, oh, fuck you. What else do I need and there's always something else So whatever I kind of charmed the lady I was talking to like, uh I couldn't understand her. She couldn't really understand me and I finally was able to convey it to her that I was a comedian

And she kind of you know Gave me this look like really you think you're funny and I forget what the fuck I said But I was able to make her smile Which was good because eventually I needed The promoter to come up there to help me get over the last leg of it But what's funny about indian people Is they got this thing they do when you ask them a question

They don't shake their head no or nod. Yes They do like this bobblehead thing And I was sitting there like This white dude in hong kong told me that they're gonna do that and it actually means yes You're gonna think that they're being assholes, but it actually means yes So this lady kept doing and I kept going does that mean yes? It means yes long story short one of the comics told me later on that it doesn't mean yes It doesn't mean no it means that they're how did he put it there?

Uh Politely accepting your existence or something like that. Yeah, what it was but um Everybody that I asked a question to there I was like so if I give them all this stuff like I'm gonna I'll be able to get to piece of paper. I'll be fine and then they do like that bobblehead Like you know, maybe you will maybe won't you know, maybe you'll be on that plane back to the us Maybe uh, you'll be in that you'll be in the garbage next to the cow tomorrow. I don't know

I don't know how I don't I don't know what to tell you. So I'm just gonna do this fucking thing with my head So I got a big kick out of that and um It's a thing too like I've really been working on my temper I stayed up there for two hours and 45 minutes. I never lost my temper once at one point I sat there and I looked over the lady and I was just like I looked down at the floor. I was like how fucking long is this gonna fucking that's the worst I got Sort of whispered that but then I just looked around the room And I saw this family of four from the philippines and they were in front of me and I'm like, all right, they're still here

The guy was behind me. He's still here. So everybody's waiting the same amount of time You know for the love of god bill fucking relax So whatever but uh I just uh my god, I I saw so much shit over there so quickly went down to this. Um They having like this street fair thing And they had all this, you know, brought my wife down there. They had all this Amazing clothing and all that type of shit and artwork and all that type of stuff I it's just one of those things you just walk around like I'm I'm in fucking india right now

I couldn't believe it and uh, then what's funny is you go out to go do the show and you feel like you're in the united states It's the exact same thing people laugh at the same shit It's just that when singapore hong kong in india, they had like these You know, don't talk about the government. Don't talk about religion. Don't talk about race And then you go to the show and the comic in front of you is talking about all of that shit And basically how it works for you to really get in trouble with that you would have to be basically living in the country Build up a reputation for doing it all the time And then eventually one of those governments would be like, all right, let's send let's send somebody down there

and then they'd go down they'd watch you and In all you get is like a find either they find the promoter the venue Or possibly the performer. I don't know. It's not really like you know harshly Enforced Which is actually was a pleasant surprise With the way everybody's taken everything so goddamn seriously lately like every fucking thing that you say now is just like

I mean it's fucking ridiculous and I really think comics have to hold the fucking line here and not apologize or else I mean, I don't know where it goes from there unless you want comedians just up there talking about widgets Um and what kills me about the so-called outrage is it's such a small percentage of the population First of all, you realize how many people could just give a fuck about stand-up comedy Like if you walk down to the amount of people the the small percentage of people who've actually been to a live show You know, it doesn't even fucking appeal to like 80 of the population as far as I know You know what I mean? They're doing other things

They're maybe into music or they just watch sports, but like, you know, it's fucked up Like I love stand-up comedy before I became a comedian. I only went to one show ever And I was almost 24 by the time I started so I could legally Could have gone to stand-up shows for like six years 18 plus and then once I was 21 I could go to anything and I never went I only went one time and I wanted to do it for a living so I don't know

All right, and of course this stupid thing just crapped out on me. Um really having a rough go here with the technology on this trip I apologize to everybody. Uh Anyways, what was I saying? Um I guess I was just talking about how few people actually even give a shit enough to even go to a stand-up show Um, so if a comic says something it's really not affecting that much of the population It really like who the fuck lives their life by what a fucking comedian says in a goddamn joke It's so ridiculous. It's just gotta be uh I don't know. I'm really hoping this is just a fad

To be taking comedians seriously, but anyways, that's the end of the whole Um The whole world world tour thing. Um, it was really insane. I went to five countries in three weeks I did uh 11 shows in nine different cities five different countries. I don't know how many different time zones and it's the first time I ever was in asia and um I just it was it's just a part of the world. I never I always wanted to go You know and I just Never you know, you just don't think you're ever gonna get to do something like that. So uh, thanks to everybody listens to this podcast

Watches my specials and all that type of shit and uh, I actually learned something people downloading my specials illegally isn't always a bad thing I mean, it kills me monetarily, but had they not done that overseas then they wouldn't have seen me. So, uh I don't know. I'm starting to rethink some of that shit. Although I do stand hard As far as I got a hard line on the fucking I stand hard Yeah, with my dick standing up I got a hard line when it comes to fucking taping me in a club when I'm trying out new shit um That's that's fucking brutal because then I go to town

And my new shit is already old shit and it's just you can't write fast enough. So You know, you fucking teeny boppers, uh, just take that into consideration I know it's all about you and your fucking facebook pages now and Oh my god, look at me with my selfie And all of that shit. It's this was fucking hilarious now is it's like the crowd wants to be famous Back in the day, the crowd was cool when they would just sat there. All right, monkey boy He want to be famous. Let's see if you're good enough to be famous Now it's like the half of them aren't even paying attention to you. They're literally like

Really bill is it half of them or is it like three four people a show? All right, three or four people a show are like already on their twitter accounts Or facebook or whatever the fuck they use um Talking about themselves Trying to put myself in their position, but I just can't picture myself any show I ever went to when I was a kid You know, if I paid to go see it I would watch it Wouldn't you you got all fucking day to

Do your duck face into the phone, don't you? All right, let's do a little uh a little bit of advertising here Sherries berries everybody So where do we go here? Where do we go here? Let me go back to the fucking The questions here Ah god, I there's got to be a better way to do this fucking podcast something a little more professional Well, how far into this are we? 15 11, what's that 26 minutes? Okay, let's continue talking. Oh, by the way, I bet you're all one and hey bill Did you finally have a chance to watch the super bowl?

you know That big football game that's played every year that your home team won. Yes, I did not only did I watch it once Not only did I watch it twice. I watched it three fucking times. Sorry. I got a plug in the chag um, I watched it three times and uh It's just a hell of a fucking game And I actually think Edelman should have got a co-MVP Because not only did he have a big game He knocked

His defensive back out of the fucking game You know broke the guy's goddamn wrist on a wonderful fucking tackle And uh, we exploited whoever the fuck they put in for the guy that broke his wrist that I don't know his name either Because I was traveling around the fucking world and I don't collect football cards anymore because they fucked up the whole way You did it You know back in the day you could just go out and buy a whole stack of them and eventually you'd get all of them You know now they try to make them Deliberately rare and they have like pieces of game-worn jerseys. It's just not what it used to be

I just wish tops would put out a set of 390 like they used to back in the fucking day and someone like me could ride his bicycle down old freckle face bill You know and eat your awful gum that was in there that fucked up one football card in every pack Why can't I go back to doing that? So I'd know back then I swear to god I could have announced a fucking game. I knew everybody's name. I knew the offensive lineman defensive lineman I knew fucking everybody now the only way to do that is you got to play fantasy football with a bunch of fucking jerk offs You got to go to somebody's living room and have a fucking draft As you sit there with adults acting like your CEOs of a fucking league that doesn't even exist

It's one of the saddest most pathetic fucking things Anyway, so let's talk about the game Even though it's way over Um, obviously the excitement wasn't there because I already knew the I knew the end result, but I was anticipating How I would feel throughout the game. I would say that when brady threw the pick In the beginning I guess with the broken wrist I guess that that would have made me feel like they kind of offset

But uh, I always get nervous once once there's a turnover and I'm thinking like that's going to be the first of many Definitely when we were down by 10, I definitely would have been like it's over. We're not coming back from this shit and uh You know that ridiculous catch I would have completely freaked out but um, I'll tell you everybody's given p carol's shit You know, they had a great Stat that I saw I'm usually not a big stat guy, but that play that p carol called That was run a little over a hundred times during the regular season. It resulted in like 65 touchdowns Or low 60s touchdowns like 40 incompletions and like no

Interceptions or something like that was like 64 No, like 65 66 something like that touchdowns and 45 was a little over a hundred times They tried it, but there was never an interception until that play so It's just one of those fucking things and god if anybody knows it's just one of those fucking things. It's a patriots fan With like the helmet catch You know that fucking ridiculous pass that elie threw after brady to welker shit the bed But you know it was fucking hilarious was seeing tom brady's face after that ridiculous catch that that guy in the seahawks made

he just he just had this look on his face like Like really like how many times do I have to win the super bowl? Before I actually In the defense will just fucking get a goddamn freeing out It let me ice the fucking game. How many fucking times do I got to drive down the fucking field for the go ahead touchdown? I did it in both fucking giants games And you guys are out there letting people catch it between their taint and their fucking ankle For the love of fucking god

You know that whoever that patriot was that jumped up and over that's the result of those fucking don't don't Hit a defenseless receiver because back in the day Even though malcolm butler tipped that ball up That other that safety coming over the top he would have gone right into that guy's jaw He wouldn't have hurled and like oh don't step on the receiver It would have knocked the ball out. So thank god and uh, I loved seeing a drunk Um Robert craft and I loved that he demanded an apology

That fucking jim ursay What a bunch of horseshit. Did you guys see that thing espn did where they had the uh, the science guy Actually investigated the advantages or disadvantages of a deflated ball and they actually found out that it was it was actually a disadvantage um But there's an article that came out that I retweeted not great and it was from a it was from like cbs sports boston That really debunked a lot of the shit. Of course, you guys won't believe it, but um You know, I don't know what I hope that they pursue that they should pursue that the way the cults complained throughout the years Just keep complaining

Right through the fucking draft All I know is if fucking bill belichick sat on the rules committee and changed rules to make the game easier for his offense I mean, he would have to go on in front of the senate defending himself jim ursay does and nobody gives a fuck um So that's my message Fuck jim ursay What are you gonna cry about this year jimmy? um

anyways What else I'm trying to look at my list of shit here anything else that I wanted to talk about Uh Oh, and I lost my list. Well, I guess that Well, there goes that Anyways, I'm in new york city for the the patrice o'neill event Benefit I should say the third annual

Time is flying by and this is such a wonderful event. It's the most positive thing I do every year and We got a hell of a lineup this year as always. We got some new faces. We got some new blood This is the first year. We actually we got a couple guys on that were You know I think got to see patrice before they were even comics. I'm guessing by their age michael chay and hannibal burris So that's pretty cool to have that sort of element like Watching people who were influenced by patrice's comedy before they started or at least very early on in their career. They were able to see him um

So i'm really looking forward to that and once again, it's just such a great Benefit and uh all you guys who've gone out throughout the years and have bought tickets. It's really You know Had such an a positive effect on The people that patrice loved because You know unlike a lot of fucking charities where there's an infrastructure and There's people getting paid nobody gets paid

Like I said, the only money we have to spend is the money that to rent out the venue and then the rest of it goes to his loved one so it's really just like Direct like you know when you want to help Wounded warriors and veterans like you just wish you could just be like give me the name of the person and where they Live and can I just fucking write a check to this person directly? um Then of course and they would just put it in the bank and then it would be considered income and then they get taxed on it Right. Is that what it is?

Ah these fucking cunts I don't know how to do it But I think the way we're doing it is about the best way you can do it And by the way, did you see all that shit on fucking no more? That they don't really do anything other than just raise awareness. It's the biggest fuck anything I'm telling you right now. I am done with any charity that says they're there to raise awareness. Fuck no more Fuck that uh pink shit in october all of them. It's a bunch. They're the modern day flim flam

Snake oil salesman. They're all getting rich off of of of people dying of diseases Or getting beaten up spousal abuse all of that. They're literally going out buying fancy cars and nice houses Because regular people feel like they're doing something I don't know. I don't know. Of course, I haven't investigated any of it. I think they're all full of shit and uh I'm done with it now. I'm done. I'm done with I think I'm pretty much done with just about every one of them other than uh What's that one that Danny Thomas started? That one has just straight like a five star rating. Is it st. Jude's hospital? That one and then the thing I talked about a few weeks ago

Which I still haven't done because I've been overseas where you'd see if you're a match For the bone marrow transplant. We think you literally save somebody's life like those types of charities that are transparent It's just a handful of them, you know, but isn't that isn't that the truth with everything? I mean, there's a lot of people that play music, but how many are really good? Charities are no different everybody. All right, let's get on with um Oh, is this a bad thing is it bad? to To think someone's a bad mother

Because they still wear leather pants That's probably a bad thing, right? I'm here in new york and I was sitting down eating yet another bad slice of pizza in new york city You know New york city is just like chicago where it's known for its pizza. So there's so many fucking places that are living off that reputation That like, you know, you have to talk to somebody that lives in chicago and they'll tell you where to go And pretty much they'll there's like five fucking places maybe In each city that people will recommend and everything else is bullshit So this place across the street, of course is bullshit

And i'm sitting there and I meet my slice of pizza and they got some sort of uh, latino judge judy thing going on And uh, which is just At a total different level where on this show The defendants can actually put their hands on each other I guess once one's a uh, the prosecution ones that the family whatever i would have the fucking legal term It's the person bitching and the person getting bitched at they can actually Like when this guy he actually ran up to this woman and ripped her shirt open and pulled out Like I don't know if he was bitching that her bra

was stuffed And uh, that's what he was suing her over some sort of False advertising. I have no idea the sound was down and even it was up. It was in a different language And I was the only one watching it other than the guy making pizza. So when he ripped her shirt open I screamed out what? This pizza place and everyone's looking at me like what am I talking about by the time they looked up they'd cut away so I don't know. Maybe they thought I was some sort of red-ed latino guy and I could read lips or some shit I don't know what but anyway, so this woman walks in this lady walks in with the two kids

She's got on leather pants and high heel shoes and just right there I just immediately judged her like she's she's too fucking self-involved to be a good mom Then I was like, oh you because of what her pants and her shoes Am I wrong for saying that ladies? I would love to hear from you And is there the male equivalent to that? Wouldn't that be like the guy if you saw a guy? He's a dad of two when he comes in and he's got his hair highlighted in his fucking eyebrows

Shaped up, you know looking like he's trying to do the uh book a roll for the ricky martin story You know maybe wearing some cologne You know aren't the both of them still kind of whoring it up like are you still trying to find a mate like what's going on here? I'm probably everything I said, you know what somebody's probably gonna take an excerpt of that and then put it on there And then it'll be little sexist rats on the monday morning broadcast fucking morons um Anyways Yeah

There you go I'm just being honest like I feel like uh if I see a woman with kids and she's wearing leather pants, uh I'm gonna say that uh I don't know somebody might fall in a swimming pool and it's gonna take you a minute to get there Ah Shit anyways honk kong h-o-n-k honk kong by the way People who live in hong kong are known as honkies. How funny is that? You know, well, I think it's funny. Hang on

All right, honk honk kong. Oh by the way india there's so many fucking people there Like you look it takes you a minute to be able to breathe that fucking air I definitely felt like uh I've done a couple times living in los angeles. I've gone on a hike You know in my leather pants, you know, but I don't have any children. So it's okay my leather hiking shorts and if I Am jogging a little bit And I'm you know breathing hard or whatever. I felt a burning in my chest

on uh like really smoggy days But uh, I was not jogging when I was in india and there was definitely this this Like, you know, it takes a second for your body to get used to oh, it's it's going to be this level, you know um Haven't said all of that and as much as a pain in the ass as it was to get the fucking slip and all that I can't wait to go back um All right honk kong bill you probably already talked about this

But can you speak about the pollution and the constant tickling your throat caused by the air over there if you haven't already? Oh, that's what somebody experienced that in hong kong. I didn't feel I felt that in india. I felt there was that tickling your throat um there was definitely It was definitely hazy But la gets hazy, um But uh, I would think a lot of that was yeah, there's just a zillion people over there um

Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to start saying a bunch of negative shit There's already enough negative shit about a lot of places over there They're fucking amazing cities to go to I highly recommend it. But yeah, there's definitely A zillion people and you see the effects on the environment, which is why it's funny when people deny global warming And that we're having any sort of an effect on the environment already that type of shit and a little for years That was in the beginning of time the the fucking earth is heated up and cooled down Jesus fucking christ um I am not a scientist, but they seem to be very alarmed at the rate

That it is heating up this time and this time of year people always point at snow storms And go you see it's snowing in february um this one scientist guy was saying that Both the summers and the winters are going to have are going to be really erratic And uh, all I can say about it is I hope that the the the people who say it isn't true are right Because if we're having an effect on it and we're not fucking with the population other than to keep adding to it, uh Oh my god, I almost said the worst joke ever forecast calls for a shit storm. Oh, I'm such a gemini

Sorry, sorry to anybody who ever remotely even Liked in or enjoyed comedy because I just ruined it a part of it. You know what I mean? What I just did to comedy with that awful joke was like during a war when a city gets bombed and uh You know A really old historic building Gets blown up. That's what I just did really built. I think you just told a bad joke I think comedy will be fine. You fucking jerk off. All right foreign music billy. Have you developed a love for any music?

You've heard while traveling um I traveled so much. I didn't have a chance to take in too too much of anything um, I will tell you that uh when I was in Singapore I think I was in Singapore I walked into that hotel that has the infinity pool at the top that you're you're not allowed to go into

I discovered unless you were a guest. I just wanted to walk out and go see it And they were like, uh, no, I'm sorry. I can't do that. And then the lady's like, well, he's doing a show Here in town and they were like, yeah, well Have fun at the show. You still can't look at the pool um When I was in the the lobby of that hotel there was uh It was these women playing um

I don't know these instruments from asia basically as far as I can tell you know that one that has the strings But you hit it with little hammers They have it in every karate movie that I've ever watched Um, not during a fight scene. It's usually when the person comes the the hero comes to town and uh The hot girl in the village that the douchebag that the heroes is going up to fight Notice notices of the hero when it comes to town And then that guy immediately hates the hero and then they have to fight

over her vagina basically um You know that instrument that's played in the background. I like that one and I like the music. I like the mood that that creates Uh, by the way, I'll tell you right now. Chinese girl is a fucking hot man. Good lord. Beautiful fucking stunning Um, same thing with the women in singapore Oh They all got some cutie pies, you know every goddamn country I went to Every country has cutie pies. I'll tell you that

Tell you that right now and other as far as music. I didn't fucking listen anything other than I heard that shit in a lobby Um, that was it. You know, it's funny what the hotel we were staying at in in in uh, hong kong they, um They had all these beautiful fucking women working there All these chinese women, right and they all had names like susan and ethyl meg And then you'd walk out and go to a store across the street and everybody would have like chinese names And it's just like jesus christ

What are you doing? I know your name is in helen Fuck I forgot to do that joke when I was in you know what I wanted to open with in india. I was just so fucking tired I forgot I was I wanted to open with like you know what You know what I was nice to be here in india And I know I've already probably talked to most of you on the phone And uh, by the way, we everybody in american knows your name isn't scott You know when they do that

Is there anything else I can help you with? What is your name scott? No, it isn't my name is dakota. That's gonna be funny when they update it to those fucking awful celebrity names People name their kids now the fuck do they name them You name a kid like carburetor or some dumb shit like that Uh, you help my wife give birth the fuck out of here Um

Well, if she heard that joke I did a few minutes ago. She'd have a miscarriage You help me with my wife give birth dear billy boy I am writing to you from my lovely wife's hospital room and she gave birth to our beautiful and thankfully not redheaded little lady Oh, fuck you My wife was a complete champ going through 29 long hours of labor Holy shit No wonder they could bitch longer than we can't if they're fucking built to take 29 hours of labor Do you think you're gonna beat them in a fight about whether you can watch the game or not?

Fucking it's over before it starts one round loss Um, and now I have a huge respect for mothers everywhere after seeing what an intense process that is firsthand Anyways, that's hilarious. It took 29 hours of labor. At what point did your your opinions start to change? Hour 17, you know, I gotta say, you know these mothers they got something um That's funny that i'm judging that lady wearing the fucking leather pants. She probably went through 29 hours too, right? At least between the two kids and the fact that she can still fit into leather pants you know

I don't know. Maybe that's my insecurity But I think she's still trolling for cock anyways Let's take that out of context. Let's just shove that somewhere put that on the news Anyways, my reason for writing is while she was in labor I tried to play some music to help distract her from the From the contractions after about three songs and a few contractions. She said to me and I quote This music isn't helping. I need something else put on bill burr's podcast. Bullshit

Jesus christ was that's probably why she pushed it out She wanted to fucking stop hearing my dumb voice Obviously, I obliged the woman giving birth to my child and we sat there listening to old freckles distract her from the pains of labor I am sure the nurses were a bit confused when they heard a litany of shits fucks and cunts coming from the phone But we didn't care because it was helping Thanks for all you do and for helping distract my wife for a while from her uterus trying To push a little little wrecking ball through the her birth canal. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, there you go. See that my podcast

Could be used for things that are good, right? Isn't that lovely? All right, go on to the next one co-worker dear william There's a woman or as I like to say a fucking lady At my at my workplace who I am in love with Uh, there was a project and I was handpicked. Oh, fuck. I just forgot. You know, this is you know, something that I love about traveling is

The random shit that you see Somebody bought me a cigar When I was in New Zealand, thank you by the way, and they had a cutter and matches and all that shit Not everybody heard that and I said, thank you. Please don't do that Nobody else do that because I'm really trying to cut down my habit um But I appreciate the justice so anyways He gets me that and by the way, if you're gonna pick out a fucking cigar

You gotta pinch the end where you put your mouth and it's supposed to be spongy It's supposed to go in and then when it comes it's supposed to immediately come back And then it's gonna have a nice draw the rest of the cigar. It doesn't fucking matter all right and uh Because if it's hard where you put your mouth, um It's like you ever have like a straw in a milkshake. That's too thick And you can't even fucking enjoy it. Um, that's what ends up happening

But having said that that's another reason why I don't want to fucking cigar from someone in the crowd Because if you're actually pinching it, I don't know where your fingers have been and it just gets gross So anyways, but I'm smoking the cigar anyways and uh I'm in Auckland, New Zealand, right? Had a great show Played this unbelievable theater and they had this organ there that it was one of the top five or six organs in the world Um And you know, you see an organ with those giant pipes. You just think they're playing and that's the pipes that you're seeing is is

You know where the all that music's coming from it isn't it's actually those pipes are uh Just for shelf for the most part and you go in the back. I mean she just lady took me in the back there was three floors of inner workings To this organ and I'm telling you like giant rooms Of things that you know opened and contracted like a goddamn accordion And then all these different sized pipes all the way down to these little things you could smoke crack out of

That all were part of that sound and I guess these old guys would come in every uh like month To retune it, you know, I don't even know if I need to be tuned that many times But uh, I guess they love the fucking organ so much. They used to joke. It was like their train set, but um Anyway, so it's just as far as like random shit that you see so I'm smoking this cigar And it's like one in the morning I mean fucking New Zealand Other side of the world

All the way down near fucking Antarctica. It feels like and all of a sudden somebody walks by I swear to god With like a mitchell and nests art monk jersey A washington redskins jersey. I'm looking like is that a fucking redskins jersey? I mean Auckland, New Zealand and then look in the back and it's it's art monk Not only is it a jersey fucking great jersey who the fuck has an art monk jersey? Great choice whoever the hell has that. That's one of my uh, I hated him when he played Because I was a big time cowboys fan back then before uh

ill uh, jimmy facelift came in there and um, jerry jerry facelifts came in Jerry jones and jimmy johnson. I was never made able to keep those two straight Uh, so anyways, I like that's the type of shit. I like it's just the randomness of that I saw and there's a bunch of of bootleg yankee shit Because wearing like a yankees hat or anything new york is just like, you know, it's like the fucking Chick who wears the parish shirt that's never been there a little Eiffel tower someday But they're not like yankee fans. I actually heard a funny story of some metz fan I guess fucking living overseas and couldn't stand that because none of them because he wanted to like shit on the

Yankees as a metz fan like I don't know doesn't really have a leg to stand on but uh, He'd find out that they were just wearing them to wear them And uh, oh the other thing too is when you go into a country that doesn't really speak english I've told you this shit and I saw this in france where like like The shit that they have in english never makes any sense or it doesn't you know, it doesn't mean what they thought it meant Like when I was in hong kong, I was reading their t-shirts the way they read our tattoos You know when we get the chinese characters where you think like this means like brotherhood

This means serenity and it really just means like, uh, you know, take a left on fuckhead street or whatever the hell it means somebody had uh Ah christ, I knew I should have written down. I can't remember Somebody actually had a football jersey with the number 69 on it and where the name went it it's it's it said all night All night 69 there you go This guy's wants to get some and give some all at the same time. Good for him Uh, anyways co-worker dear bill. There's a lady at my workplace who I am in love with

There was a project and I was handpicked to help Out in her department. Not sure why but there were plenty of other people who could have done it Well, maybe it was fate. Maybe it was cupid. Maybe it was I don't know what something bringing it together Anyways, this person says because Of this we have worked together on numerous occasions When i'm doing something on the computer and she's sitting beside me helping out. I can't help but notice She's looking directly at me Jesus buddy, how many more fucking signs do you need here? Sometimes she will be one aisle over bent over a desk

Talking to someone and adjusting her tight jeans where she knows I can see it. Okay. This took a left turn I ain't seeing relationship here, buddy. I'm seeing uh I'm seeing a fun time for about six weeks and then i'm seeing you losing your job. That's what i'm seeing now All right, let's keep reading here. We work in a large building and she is all the way on the other side so we So we correspond by text messaging. Oh, that's always good. Good move Good moves get in and writing write something lewd to her Uh, believe me. She'll keep every one of these and when it goes south She'll fucking show it to your boss who probably also wants to bang her

Um, we work in a large building. Wait, wait, wait, wait oftentimes When I text her about work or have questions. She doesn't respond. I'm guessing if She was into me she would reply back immediately But sometimes I get nothing or is she playing hard to get I really want to make a move But there is a fear of hostile work environment or worse I get fired for sexual harassment if she doesn't have the same feelings towards me It's killing me not knowing what to do because all I do is think about her. Thanks and go fuck yourself

P. S. I'm married and have kids and so does she Oh, fuck you. That was a big waste of time Uh, Jesus christ. All right. I think that's a podcast for this week, right? That's not that's that that was a pretty decent effort Wouldn't you say decent effort all the way around? Uh, that's a podcast. I want to thank everybody um Who came out to my shows as I toured The south of asia. I still can't believe I got to do that

You know it's fucked up I was in two countries that had one of the wonders of the world and I saw neither one of them I didn't go to the great wall and I didn't go to the Taj Mahal Uh So Yeah, what are you gonna fucking do? I tried You know, I did my thing

um Anyway, so I am in new york city right now and i'm doing the patricio patricio neil benefit tomorrow night and uh I don't know. I'm on different time zone. I might go out to the clubs tonight. Who knows who knows that's the Monday morning podcast Go fuck yourselves. Thanks for listening