Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-16

Episode Date: March 11, 2016

Bill rambles about Iggy Pop, The Chief and Bill Gates.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Byrne, it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on ya. Just checking in on ya. I'm just checking in on ya, hello, this is Susan Bloemstein calling. That's a character I used to call up a buddy of mine all the time, I pretend to be his casting director, and I would just call him up with the worst fucking auditions ever. Hello, this is Susan Bloemstein calling. I have an audition for you, it's for a feature.

Do you have a problem with being naked around other men in positions that involves you staring at your ankles? If you have a problem, if not, give me a call. Stupid shit like that, it was always like, you know, something that I guess would be considered homophobic is instead of just being funny, you know. Is it homophobic to suggest that he would be uncomfortable staring at his ankles, ankles, I should say, in the company of other men? I don't know, what's going on, how was your Thursday?

Did you get paid today, did they write some numbers on a piece of paper, and then you stuck it in a machine and somehow you can get waffles? It's in the air, man. All the money's in the air now, I don't know where it is. And I'm safe to say either some white dude has all of it, Russian dude, which is guess it is a white dude, but white dude means American dude, right, or English, right, Russian dude or Chinese dude. One of them's got it, maybe somebody in Singapore has all the money, a Japanese guy, and of

course you got the fucking Saudi princess, they got something, like six people have it all right now, and the rest of us just get pieces of paper with numbers on it, as long as we believe in it. No matter what they say on TV, no matter how bad they say it's getting, as long as we just continue to fucking believe in it, just keep writing numbers to each other, right? Next thing you know, I got a shirt, you got a taco, everybody's happy. Susan Bloomsdine, Corleak, anyways, so here's what's going on with me last night, me and the lovely Nia, my beautiful lady.

We went down and saw Iggy Pop, he has a new album out, The Post Pop Depression, and basically like 90% of Queens of the Stone Age was backing him up. John Theodore was not on drums, but it was pretty much, I think the rest of the band, and Iggy Pop came out, it was fucking amazing show. I lucked into these tickets, I was doing a comedy show, I ran into somebody that works for the band, they say we got a couple extra tickets, do you want to go? My freckles stood up at attention, and of course I went, I went down there and god damn it, what an amazing show, Sarah Silverman opened up, she fucking crushed it, and Iggy

Pop man, there's a bucket list right there, bucket list one to go see, the guy fucking comes out there, right? He got on a sports coat with no shirt underneath it, he's 68 years old, alright, after one song the coat is gone and he's prancing around with no shirt on, 68 years old, it was some fucking shit, guy just doesn't give a fuck, I'm going to post a picture of the guy, you know what I mean? He's still in great shape, you know, sure there's a little elasticity issues here or there with the skin, but I mean other than that, the guy looks like he can do more push-ups

than I could ever do, I hope I look that good at his age, you know, he's still got that beautiful Marsha Brady fucking haircut, gorgeous hair, oh god I was jealous, anyways, the band absolutely fucking smashed it, he was all over the stage, it was fucking incredible man, it was just an absolutely amazing night, and then me and Nia finished it off, as much as I'm trying to get in shape, one of the great things to do out here in Los Angeles is to hit your favorite fucking taco truck, or late night taco spot, it's just the best and there was one, I got a buddy of mine, another comedian, Forrest Shaw, who's like a connoisseur of all the taco trucks, so I was basically like alright, we're down just

east of the fucking, west of the 110, you know, and like Beverly Boulevard, what do you got, and he fucking, he gave me like three taco trucks, like Google mapped all the way back to my house, and we ended up stopping off at one, and ah, fuck, I didn't get any tacos, I actually got a goddamn quesadilla, which is the classic default white guy order at a taco truck, you know, can I get a chicken quesadilla, can I get one of them, I mean technically, is that even Mexican, it's just cheese with chicken, hell we do that, it was just a great night, and another night where I didn't smoke a cigar, I haven't smoked a cigar since February 16th, and you know you have a problem with something when you know

the exact date, you know, of when you stopped doing it, you know, other shit, if you just don't give a fuck, you just think you want to go to McDonald's, yeah, no, when's the last time you ate there, I don't know man, it's been a while, like a year, that's when you don't have a problem, that's when, if there was an issue of addiction, it's just completely out of your fucking life, but I know the exact date, it was February 16th, I know where I was, I know what I smoked, and I know what I felt like when I had it, and I've been thinking about it every fucking day, and I'm trying to go on a little bit of a run here, because if I don't cut this shit out of my life, this summer I will be

a four year smoker, like what the fuck, what am I doing, so, but I've been holding fast with these, fast or holding strong, whatever the fucking expression is, I only have two a month, alright, I had two in January, two and a half in February, because I started smoking when I wasn't lit well, and I got another one, so I had one and a half that night, so that's not bad, right, come on, you guys aren't doctors generally speaking, I should be alright, my body can handle that, two and a half fucking days, I mean two and a half, two a month, once every 14 days, that's still fucking stupid, maybe I'll just go down to one a month, I want to be special occasion guy, I figure I'll smoke one at the Rose Bowl,

smoke one Super Bowl Sunday, my birthday, what else you got, Flag Day, I don't give a fuck about that, it's a bunch of Jewish holidays in September, I am in show business as a nod to them, they'll be really selfish, like I give a shit, right, like I give a shit about, you know, like I'm actually acknowledging another religion, the real reason is I'm just looking for an excuse to smoke a cigar, tell my Jewish brothers and sisters out there and a sign of support, what are you going to do Bill, huh, make a donation to the Museum of Tolerance, no, I am going to smoke a Cuban cigar, in honor to all of your wonderful contributions to comedy and show business, like for a year, that would be perfect, right, there's not a

fucking doctor on the planet, they always got it, they always get it, their job is just to reign in your parade, if I went in and I say doc, look, I smoked for a year, is that bad and be like, you know, it's not bad, but there we go, ideally, ideally I'd live in a fucking bubble and I would breathe perfect fucking air and I would be in clean water and I have a microbiologist, what the fuck are you doing doc, you got to be doing something, going in here, taking everybody's blood pressure all goddamn day, looking at fucking skin tags, you're telling me you don't have an outlet, I don't know, so anyways, having said all that, probably smoke one next week, but I like this month, this month is going good, because

you know, I've already like, you know, the first two months of the year, I really feel like my hand should be shaking as I'm talking about this, it's so bad I want to smoke, I had my first one January 1st and then January 8th, I had the second one, I was like, fuck, the month isn't even half over and I got a white knuckle at the rest of the way and then I did it again in February, I smoked one on like the 5th and then one on like this, I guess the 16th and I got another two fucking weeks, so now I feel like I'm ahead of the game, because it's like the 10th, if I can just make it to like the 15th, you know, then I can actually go on a run and do one every week for four weeks, then white knuckle it through April, it just sucks, how come everything fun fucking

kills you, you know, just fucking kills you sitting around eating goddamn yogurt, by the way, you know, I figured out what was causing the train, not to leave the fucking station, I became old Billy Parfait, right, and I went down to this juice shop and they were fucking raving about this, you know, this all natural yogurt with coconut in it, you know, all that probiotic has probiotics in it, this is, you know, this isn't negative biotics, this is positive pro, this is proactive biotics, you have two kinds of bacteria within your intestinal tract, shut the fuck up, I put this stuff in them, I couldn't, I couldn't shit for days, I just kept eating it because they're down at the juice shack there, right, they kept telling me how healthy it was, and little did,

little did I know, I was building like a fucking wall, you know, what's that city there in Greece with all, it's the whole city's just a bunch of white walls, you know, that's what I was building in my stomach, were you built, I don't know, it's the first thing I thought of, go fuck yourself, you know, I'd like to see you nut shit for three days and try to dance around it and keep it funny, how did I get in this mood, anyways, hold on one second, hold on, Nancy Reagan died, everybody, she died, and a lot of people were really upset about that, you know, she was a great woman, I tell you, you know, made her great, the shape she kept herself in considering her husband had jelly beans all over the fucking place, the fact that she could just say no to those goddamn

things, right, she's walking around, there's something about being that skinny though after a while though, it's just like you live for fucking ever, but you just, you're like a bird person, you know, like if she was my grandmother, I would have built like a giant bird cage that I hung from the ceiling, I'd just make her go in there and perch on it, you know, I'm not open in the door unless you tell me I'm still in the will, Nancy, or I guess I would say grandma Reagan, Reagan, all right, this whole podcast is going up the fucking rail, so I'm too goddamn distracted, I'm talking about putting dead first ladies in bird cages, that's not right, is it, he's such a weird fella that Reagan, some people you talk to, he single-handedly defeated the

Russians, the reality is didn't he come off the fucking bench and he did, he hit the last three, you know, the dagger, he put the game away, I would say, you know, by tricking them into thinking that we were actually going to have shit up and outer space to stop their shit from coming over here, you know, that's the weird thing about trying to bomb somebody from the other side of the fucking world, if you're too lazy to fly over, you got to start, you got to shoot them, remember Robert Parrish's foul shot, you remember the rainbow, that's how you got to do it, you actually got to send it in because of the curvature of the earth, you got to send it fucking up and over, you know what I mean, it's like when you're sitting on the couch and you got a napkin and

you want to throw it into a barrel but your fucking office chair is right there, you got to go up and over, you know, they do that with missiles, somebody actually figured that out, sometimes some super fucking intelligent scientist guy, right, as opposed to the really dumb ones that they put in the nuclear programs, right Bill, this guy had to sit there and like figure that out, you know, out of our airspace, into the troposphere, up into the stratosphere, however the fuck it goes, right, out to outer space, reenters the atmosphere without blowing up right on the White House, nothing but president, right, they're just sitting there talking shit, what a fucking job, you know, and then some other psycho, you know, they got cameras in space or

some shit or somebody flying around with that direct TV satellite on the back of his plane, just falling around Brezhnev and Gorbachev trying to figure out where they're at, so they always have the exact coordinates, that's what it, that's the level of stress, like Obama has and all these guys, that's why they age like 90 years, because they know the other team, right, they go and Billy Bella check on them, you know, they got cameras on, you're right on the top of your fucking head, wherever you go, you know, I'd be all paranoid, I'd be doing fucking headfakes as I was walking down the hall to the Oval Office, right, I wouldn't even go in the Oval Office, I'm not going in there, I would have, I'd have a double, I'd always be

down in the basement, you know, then years later after I died, you know, all my staff would start coming out talking shit about me, he's a very fearful man, for all the bravado during his speeches, he spent the entire eight years of his presidency in the, well, we're not allowed to say how far down it goes, but let's just say there's one hell of a basement under that house, do you even think he fucking lives there, there's no fucking way he lives there, he just lives there, you've ever seen the White House, it's just right there, you know, he doesn't live there, I bet there's a fucking, you take an elevator, that's just like, remember when Steve Jobs used to make those fucking speeches at those nerd fest, right,

they go down there, you know, he'd come out in his fucking jeans and no belt and he just, ah, look at this, look at it, look what he does, and all the nerds are like, oh my god, oh my god, I think that's when then he just fucking lived, nobody knew what he lived, right, but why does Bill Gates have a more reclusive fucking house, is the house reclusive built, does the house make the choice to be introverted, whatever, he has a fucking house no one could get to, I can't get anywhere fucking near Bill Gates house, right, but the White House, you can walk right up to the gate, he can come right up to it, is this going to put me on a list, I bet what's his face, I bet Bill Gates has got a fucking,

god damn, you know, you remember that Star Wars thing that Reagan wanted to put up for fucking, you know, the Robert Parrish nuclear warhead rainbow shot from the Kremlin, right, I bet he's got those for like drones, I bet he hates drones, he's all pissed off, how dare you send my technology back at me, I think he's an evil motherfucker and that's why he gives away all that money, you know what I mean, it's weird, he's like, he's like the sociopath with the heart of gold, he's kind of like Dexter, right, but if he was like in the laptops rather than just cutting up people, but it's only the bad people, I was never able to get past that, look at you, god damn, you look good, really, yeah, oh yeah, what do you mean really, they got hitched my wagon to a dog,

fucking totally superficial, all right, you look hot and you better keep looking hot, because I'll tell you right now, I'll go right down to the used car lot and I'll start shopping, oh yeah, I'll trade you in, I'm not going to trade you in and about, I don't know, you're a classic though, you're one of those ones that's going to last for a while, you know, I'm going to treat you well, changing the fluids every 3,000 miles, ah, gays is gross, disgusting, um, well thank you for saying that, I think, I feel like I went out to a show last night and had some drinks and ate some late night tacos, yes you did, it was so much fun, did you talk about the show, yeah, how about Iggy, the confidence of Iggy Pop going out there,

68, Iggy Pop has more swag than all of you bitches, why are you attacking the listeners, I don't know, I guess it's funny, because you hung over and you know, yeah, I don't mean to attack the listeners, I'm just saying, yeah, the swag he had out there was the whole band and Iggy of course is legendary, that was a great show, I'm really glad I went, you know, I wasn't feeling up to it, but I'm glad I went, it's a great name for an album too huh, post, the post pop, oh post pop depression, yeah, very good, it was awesome, and the band was all wearing custom YSL, for those of you who are into, what is that, designer clothing, YSL is Y's Saint Laurent, Y's Saint Laurent, Y's Saint Laurent, yeah, so they were all wearing custom YSL, even the roadies, like the crew was

wearing like, like trousers and ties from YSL, which is pretty dope, like Josh looked great in that suit, didn't he? Whenever you say trousers, I think of that classic, that classic Louis CK joke when he used to talk about whenever he does, yeah, whenever he would call phone sexy, he'd always get that 70 year old woman, I'm taking off your trousers, I think we need to bring Cleo's water dish in here, yeah, because she's laying in the sun, why don't you go do that, or grab another mic, if you're going to be on this, no, I'm not, I just came in to say hi, Jesus, that was one of my favorite dumb jokes of all time, what is a gay horse eat?

Hi, I'm sorry, come on, you gotta admit that's funny on some level, all right, so when he was, what was I talking about? Oh, I was talking about Bill Gates swatting away the fucking drones and having more security than O-Town there, O-Town in the fucking Maison Blanc, yeah, pull her out of the sun, she's done, one hike and she's done, it's already fucking hot out here, global woman, Nene, you're looking fucking good, all right, beat it, go to the gym, keep it looking good, that's part of your contract, show me, shut up, all right, I fucking hate this whole password thing, you know, I figured out what the fuck was wrong with my iTunes, which is basically,

I can't listen to anything that I've downloaded on my fucking laptop because I have too many other devices that have already been accepted by iTunes, so I have to deactivate some other shit, I finally figured that out, I didn't figure it out, I just went on, I went on the internet, I basically typed in, please give me the answer, I went there, look at you to go right back to the sun, Cleo, she fucking loves the sun, all right, what else did I want to talk about? Oh, the garage gym is becoming a reality, it's becoming a reality, reality, reality, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no thanks to fucking rogue fitness, Jesus Christ, what an arrogant goddamn company that is, I specifically asked that company as a celebrity in my mind to send me a bunch of free shit

for my garage, so that I could then hype their company to my 40 listeners, and can you believe this, I hope you're sitting down, can you believe they never got back to me, all right, well because I'm fucking immature, I gotta go vengeance now, I have to have my vengeance on that company, this is what I'm gonna do, I am gonna buy all of this shit from them, that's what I'm gonna do, and then you know what, when they call me and say hey thanks for using it, I'm not gonna take their phone call, all they're getting out of me is the price they want for their fucking goods, all right, does that make any sense, yeah, I don't know, I just threw it out there, they never got back to me, I was half serious, I don't like people giving me free shit, because then they

fucking own you on some level anyways, you know, hey, you know, remember that time I gave you a chin up arm, what the fuck, all right, I'll give you a ride to the airport, fuck, you know, you just, you can't get out of it, you can't get out of it, so anyways, I am gonna fucking do this thing up, this is the game plan, I'm getting that rogue fitness thing that collapsed that you can fold back into the wall, I'm getting a workout bench, you know, I'm so excited for that because I'm so sick of going to the fucking gym and there's always somebody on it, somebody's always benching, right, and I can also do squats, and I'll be able to do pull-ups, and then I got my atomic holds, and we're gonna put those above where my truck is, I'll just have to pull my truck out,

which I know kind of sucks, but who gives a fuck, I'm gonna have an epoxy floor put in, right, and then Nia wants an adjustable speed bag over in the corner, which is great, because all I'll have to do is adjust it like twice, and just like the bicycle I bought her, she's never gonna use it again, then I can just lock that fucker into position, right, we'll get it to the boot of the beat of the pop, right, we've got to put it in the corner, I'm worried about the noise, you know, banging out, you know, blowing out my eardrums, forget about that, annoying the shit out of my neighbors, because everybody out here lives on top of one another, so I figure if I do that, and then I'm gonna have those interlocking rubber things underneath all

the gym area, I'll have a place where I can skip rope, right, I can do my pull-ups, my only thing is I'm getting rid of my pull-up and dip station thing that I have, and I'll be able to do the pull-ups, though, but I won't be able to do dips, so if anybody knows of an attachment that works, I was thinking of just having the handles coming out of the wall, if they make something like that, which would look really weird, for some reason, what are those, that fucking porto, glory holes, it's like the glory hole of fucking, it's like the glory hole of workout equipment, to just have like the dip fucking things just coming out of the wall, right, no, all right, whatever, I got a perverted mind, what the fuck do you want from me,

how long into this fucking thing are we, 23 minutes, Michael Jordan, all right, here we go, here we go, let's read a little bit of advertising, all right, oh fuck, I didn't talk about self-driving cars, I got the biggest argument with fucking forest shot today, oh, we were going, we never get an argument, we were just fucking heated, he's like a scientist and I'm a dope, so that's just fucking right there, that's just a recipe for it to go off the rails, I brought up forest before, and if you're, I think he said he's gonna be in Nashville soon, I'm sure he has a website, he actually, he opens for Jim Jeffries all the time, he's fucking hilarious, like I would go hiking with somebody who wasn't funny, you know what I mean, it's bad enough when you gotta work

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might have a leak somewhere. Ah, Jesus, not too bad, just a little fucking leak, the J-trap downstairs. That never fucking ends. Anyways, so Kanye took a screenshot and I guess this dead Mao, dead mouse, dead Mao five, however the fuck you say his name, I'm old, I should know how to say it, I guess he made this software that helps you make an album and evidently Kanye allegedly had a website open where you could illegally download it, so he called him out, he goes, you're not making enough money to pay for this software, you got to fucking pirate my shit and he just wrote dick on it. So Kanye comes back with the barrage of shit, just trashing this DJ talking about his mouse head, he got a fan in there, I'm bringing my daughter, she's a big fan

of Minnie Mouse, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, just like a corporation, you know, just sending reams of paper over, like on Better Call Saul trying to fucking delay it, but nowhere in it did the man deny that he didn't, that he fucking didn't steal it, as far as I could tell, he just immediately, immediately, capitulation, just immediately switched it from you stole my shit to, what's with your fucking mouse head, right? I actually wanted to fucking jump into the middle of it to give the DJ help because he kind of was fucking taking the bait, it was just, it's like what a chick does, you know what I mean, they're so fucking good at arguing that they fucking, they spin you off like you got him dead to rights, and by the time you

come through the whole thing, you're like, how the fuck did I lose that? Because they got you, never reacted that shit, he should have just laid back, you know, on the ropes, let Kanye punch himself out, and then just say, yeah, so like I said, you stole my shit, you know, and I was a guy with a mouse head going to take shifts from somebody who wore a leather miniskirt throughout a whole fucking tour, I mean, there was so much shit he could have said back, but he should have stayed in the pocket. I was just like, I was watching that the way I was watching like a comedian and a heckler, you know, then I was rooting for, I was rooting for the DJ, I was rooting for the DJ on that one, provided if the guy stole it, if he didn't,

either way, it was fucking entertaining, you know, nice Twitter battle. Is that nice? Is it funny how I'm not into robots driving cars, but I like, I like, I like, I like a good Twitter, Twitter back and forth, you know, that's the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, here comes some music. Once again, we always post at the MM podcast, Twitter feed will always tell you what the music is. Andrew always post it. I don't know what it is. I am an old man. I am just, I am just now trying to update my music. Oh my God, I got to tell you what I was doing the other day. Holy shit. I was listening to, I downloaded all this shit, right? Alabama shakes fucking love the new, that album that they have

was the shit the weekend. I'm listening to that actually like that shit. I got to tell you what was funny though was, uh, fuck, I already forgot his name. I'm Kendrick Lamar. I'm so fucking old. Help me out here guys. I, I, I don't know anything that's going on with any of these people. Kendrick Lamar, I'm sitting there. I have to admit, I did have this old guy thought and I was embarrassed that I had it. I was listening to his album and I get to this song and he just keeps going, this dick ain't free. Right. And I'm just, and all I could just can't think it was this one of Grammy and I'm not saying it didn't deserve it, but I don't know what the people look like who fucking vote for the Grammys, but the way people complain about it and how they're

always giving it to white people, right? Like the Oscars. I'm imagining it's a bunch of white people fifties and sixties, right? Takes a while. I would think to establish yourself enough to even be considered, you know, to be on that shit. And I'm just picturing all these fucking 50 and 60 year old white people just sitting there listening to this dick ain't free. Right. So they go like, you know, like they can relate to that on some level going, oh yeah, this is like connects with me. I'm going to vote with this. You know, they probably just drive down the hood and stand there for 20 minutes and count how many times somebody drives by this dick ain't free. I keep driving by. All right, there's enough people listening to it. We got to give it to them.

So anyways, but here's the embarrassing thing. I was in, oh, was I listening to, I got to make sure I say his name, right? It's Ed. Is it Sheehan? Ah, for fuck's sakes, Bill. You don't know any. I did cone him with this guy. He was fucking great. I think he's great. I just don't fuck it. Sheeran. We'll go with Sheeran. And I was listening to his album and I was listening. I was listening that song one. I was listening to Ed Sheeran one in a, in a Toyota Prius and I was sitting there going, I am enjoying this. Like what happened to me? I used to be, I used to fucking listen. What happened? But when I really look back at the shit that I used to think was bad, some of

it was badass stuff. A lot of it, you know, say what people will say about a sensitive fellow like this, Eddie here, right? You know, he does dress like a man, unlike the bands that I listened to in the 80s where they came up just full on. Not only did they dress like chicks, they dressed like hot chicks trying to hang on. They were really like the first house, real housewives when you look back at a lot of it, you know what I mean? I guess still they were still in their prime in their twenties. I don't know. So whatever. Those are the albums that I was listening to this week. I literally went from 1970, 80 to, you know, I went from like 19, I don't know, late sixties to late eighties was what the fuck I've been listening to for the last,

I don't know how many, since I worked in a fucking warehouse in the eighties. And then I immediately went to like 2014, 2015, 2016. And I survived. I somehow survived and I actually enjoy the shit. So it, I don't know. I don't know if it's going to help me. I don't know what the point of it is, but all I know is it's, it's, I don't know. That's funny to me. This dick ain't free. I'll listen to it more. I'll try to, I mean, it's going into some really white ears here though. It's probably actually a, it probably says more about him as an artist. If I don't get it, you know what I mean? Then if I get it, he probably doesn't want me to get it like, I don't want some 48 year old white guy liking my shit. Or maybe I'm wrong. The fuck

do I know? Anyways, fuck off. I'll talk to you on Monday. I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 14th, 2010. How the hell are you? Are you good? Did you have a good weekend? Did you, did you go down to that place with the thing? I heard it was nice. Was it nice? It is nice. Oh, that's nice. My son, he had a recital this weekend and we were so nervous. He was all flustered and more suburban talk about shit that nobody cares about. Of course, Frank was in the back with the garden hose. It froze up over the winter. So we have to buy a new one of those. So you know, Frank, of course, he goes on the internet and he just starts researching all about

those hoses. I don't know. Can you imagine just sitting there at the end of a cul-de-sac? Like that is your fucking reality. Rather than having a wine cellar, I would just have a secret room of fucking porn with Kleenex for me. Either rub one out or just sit there crying at what became of my life. Honey, can you go out and fix this bicycle? No. Why doesn't he go climb a fucking tree? Jesus Christ. What did they do in the 1800s? You wonder why the environment's so fucked up? That's it right there, everybody. You just don't want to go out and be a part of your kids' lives. I don't. That's why I told you I enjoyed condoms. I didn't enjoy condoms. I just didn't want to bust one in you without one on. And now I did. And now look at it. Look at my face, sweetheart. Can't you

see the misery? Fuck him. Well, he half looks like you. You go fix this fucking bike. I'm not yelling. I'm not. No, I'm not. Do his cohorts asleep in the trees. Advice. Don't take shit from anybody. Question mark. Bill, sometimes you end your podcast with go fuck yourselves and don't take shit from anyone. Let me tell you my story. Back in November, a cop pulled me over, roughed me up, was a huge asshole, and wrote up every rinky, dinky ticket he could. Now, okay. Now, wait a minute. What happened? You were just driving down the street and this guy just pulled you over. I need a little bit of the backstory here. Was this guy,

did he get into a big fight with his wife and then took it out on you? Or did you say something wise to the guy? And he said, all right, I'm not in the fucking mood. Anyways, let's see if we can figure it out here. At the end of the altercation, I shook his hand, looked him straight in the eyes, and gave him that look that says, I will see you in court, asshole. I showed up in court this Monday to defend myself. My plan was to stand before that asshole and have him explain his actions to me in a court of law. Yeah, dude, this ain't going to work out unless you had a witness. I wanted to ask him even then that doesn't work out. I wanted to ask him if twisting my arm so much that I couldn't use it

for a few days was justified. I wanted to ask him why he decided that me five six 175 pounds was a threat to him six foot to six foot three 250 that he need to hit me from behind. Dude, call me an asshole, but I'm not 100% buying this story because you didn't say what happened before this. This guy just did this. Is this guy like the fucking worst cop ever? I don't know. Here we go. I wanted to I wanted to know why he needed to demean me while I was handcuffed in the back of the paddy wagon. I then wanted to ask him how many excessive force complaints he had against him. The answer is four. Oh, shit. So I'm wrong here. I wanted to ask him how his marriage ended. His ex wife has a restraining order against him for domestic violence. All right,

I tap out. You're right. You're right. Sorry. I wanted to ask him what part of protect and serve did he not understand. I wanted to end the questioning with him explaining how he got caught on a cell phone camera assaulting a motorist. You can look up the video on YouTube under Milwaukee police Lambo driver L A M B O driver. Here's what sucks in Milwaukee. If the cop that wrote you the ticket this doesn't show up in court, your case is dismissed and you don't have to pay anything. Well, guess guess why I told you that the piece of shit didn't show up in court. That's awful. I need advice. Do I let this all be water on the bridge or do I take this fucker down? I really want justice, but I don't want to be beaten by other cops. What should I do? Well, I think you

just shed some light Milwaukee police Lambo driver. All my listeners will probably look up and watch that. No, this guy sounds like a dangerous guy. Look, you know, this is what I would do if I was going to try to take this dude down. What I would do is you know what the local news loves doing now? They love showing like YouTube videos and they love talking about Twitter and all that type of stuff because they're desperately trying to get the kids and people because they're losing all this viewership to the internet. So the fact that you have this controversial thing, you have this fucked up law and you have a YouTube video of this guy, that makes that's like one of those perfect little pieces, you know, coming up next Milwaukee

police officer a little out of line. Check out the YouTube video that everybody's been talking about all the other that you could go that way. But yeah, I mean, you're taking a you're definitely going to take a fucking risk. You know, Ronnie King died this week and that brought up that whole video and all that type of shit. And I know, you know, the guy just pulled over. That's what you're supposed to do. I know I mean, look, who's getting new Ronnie King was going to get beat down no matter what. I mean, if you run from the fucking cops, I don't give a fuck who you are, you're going to get beat down. But if you get back up, you're charging a couple of times apps the fucking Louis. But you know, there's got to be a way to take a guy down without giving him 12 fucking skull

fractures. You know what I'm saying? It's a I don't know. It's a it's it's it's a fucking thankless job. And then it's a really dangerous job if the wrong kind of person gets gets the job. Why did my phone just go off? Oh, that's right. I gotta do that shit. So I don't know, personally, I can't I can't ever watch that Ronnie King thing again. That's like fucking most brutal thing ever. And actually, when you watch that now, you go, thank God, they got fucking what do you call those things? Taser? What do you call what do you call those things? What do they call those things that you they just they zap you? Did you guys ever see that one?

That one where they the cop? What the fuck do you call those things? He got tased. He got fucking is it a taser? Cleo, why am I so dumb? Huh? Fucking love this dog. You know that Cleo? Um, underrated having a dog. It's the best fucking thing ever. Anyways, this this I got I got to get you this YouTube video now that I brought it up. It's uh, it's basically they're doing a demonstration of one of those fucking things, whatever the fuck you call them that I just can't think that why do I keep saying it's a taser? I know it's not a is it a taser? You got tased? And I can't fucking my

brain is mush. So anyways, there's one cop going to zap another cop to uh, to demonstrate it to the class and look man, I don't give a fuck how much of a man you are. You get fucking zapped with electricity. You're gonna make a noise. Most guys go like they fucking go down a this guy fucking shoots it at the guy and this dude sounds like he's like ending an opera. He gets tased. He's like just fucking drops. Oh, he does literally something like that in drops. And I just love how the cop who shoots him tries to act like he just didn't scream out like a little fucking girl, man. It's hilarious. But but getting back to that. Yeah, dude, that's that's a serious

that's a serious thing. And you know, if this guy really is as bad as you're saying, you know, the right thing is not to let it go. The right thing is to try and shed some light on it and hopefully that they can get this guy off the force because he's given decent cops a bad name. There you go. So but your your worries are definitely, uh, you know, valid. I mean, considering none of those cops during the Rodney King, none of them got fucking they got they got off. You can get off doing that. I mean, Jesus Christ. You know, that dude who shot that kid on that platform in Oakland, that was fucking brutal. He's like, Oh, I thought it was my thought it was my house keys. I didn't realize it was my gun.

And he fucking got away with that. I'm not trashing cops. I'm just saying, not saying they're all fucking bad. But I'm just saying, I mean, it's a it's practically fucking impossible. It literally even if you have video, I think you have to have the combination of having video and then you have to be you have to be a certain level of wealth and influence. Because if you're broke, you know, I don't think that there, you know, there's no way they're just going to be like, Yeah, go fuck yourself. You're done. You know, and then when you add racism into it, I mean, you're pretty much it's pretty much game set and match, which is fucking unfortunate. So I'm talking about society way beyond my fucking intellect. So I'm going to tap out here.

Already trash fucking hair metal, and I'm going to have fucking angry psycho cops mad. All right, lights camera dumped bill. I'm a 29 year old guy and recently broke up with a funny attractive and all around great girl. Oh, Jesus. Why sir, would you do that? You ask. All right. Two things. Her dad was born without teeth and you're worried your baby will. If you breed with her or she has got something going on in the vaginal area, some sort of odor, stinky pussy. I don't know. Here we go. Well, let me tell you, this girl and I have been dating for about three months and we had a great thing going. She's half Afro Cuban, half Puerto Rican and really sexy. She had a rough upbringing,

but I didn't care because she's honest, easygoing and not bitchy like so many girls I've dated. She was a bit needy, but I didn't mind. We were out at a bar one night, having a few drinks and I was feeling pretty good. I was looking at a couple of flusies at the end of the bar and I asked her if she's ever been with another woman. She coyly looked at me and said, yes, good stuff. I thought, yeah, dude, this is a fucking fantasy right here. Fucking red shoe diaries. Then I proceeded with, have you ever been in a threesome with two girls and a guy? Again, she answered yes. Okay, kind of slutty, but I'm no saint. Well, I couldn't stop there. Oh God, you're going to go for the rotisserie question. What's in the box? Here we go. Here we

go. Strap yourselves in for this one. Well, I couldn't stop there. So I asked, have you ever had a threesome with two guys? She looked down at the ground and she looked up a bit ashamed Lee and said, yes. Wow. Skank alert. I thought I then asked her one more question. I knew this one could back for where the fuck do you go from here? Like throwing the high heat to Albert, Albert pool hosts. I finally asked, wait, have you ever been in a porn? She then blushed and looked me in the eye and said, yeah. I looked at her calmly and was like, oh, but inside I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, as well, you should. You know, those first couple. I mean, you can look, okay, let's break this down here. All right, she's been with, she's had a threesome with another girl

and a guy who get that that's who gives a fuck right there. All right, you already knew she banged another guy. All right, but the fact that she also did it with another girl that takes a little fucking that tones down his dick and her pussy, right? This is how guys think women. I'm sorry. All right. That's something that that's something in the the credit. Is it the credit? Why, why, why do you try to talk accounting shit? You're too dumb. All right. That one's all right. The two guys thing. Now you can look the other way on that, maybe if it if it was in another state, but it can't be in the same state because if you run into one of the two guys that fucking, you know, we're high fiving as they fucking banged her,

that mean I don't know about that one. But then the third one, she did a porno. I mean, yeah, no, that's, uh, you got to walk away from that. Or you have to go to NASA to get tested for the latest fucking STDs, I would think. And then also God knows what's going on mentally that you would do that. What? I just like sex. No, no, no, there's something going on. Who doesn't like sex? I don't know. Anyways, plowing ahead. So she he goes. So basically, she had moved down to Los Angeles when she was 20. She's now 25. And after a short stint in the military, somehow she got into the porn industry for eight months. She did everything. Fuck sucked the whole shebang. I asked her if I could see her video, but she wouldn't tell me her performer name and said vehemently

that it would be impossible to find her body of work. I asked her why she got into porn and she replies because I wanted some feeling in my life. And then he writes, Oh, Jesus. Yeah, dude, this poor girl, something happened to her. The thing was she was clean, had a good job, and I really liked her. And the sex was great. Yeah, obviously, you know, it's funny. There was something you wrote in the beginning where I just thought she was going to be good. 29 year old guy attractive all around great girl. Oh, the fact that you said she had a rough upbringing, upbringing, but she was easygoing and honest and not bitchy. Right there. I was like that girl's good in bed. That just seemed like a kind of free open person. I don't know. I didn't know she was going to be

that open. Oh, anyways, the thing was she was clean and blah, blah, blah. The sex was great, but I couldn't stop picturing her in some sleazy porno that was probably filmed in some junkyard on La Brea. So I went to ask for friends advice. Most of my guys were telling me to dump her. My gay friends told me it was fabulous and that I should overlook it. I didn't even bother asking my girlfriends because they would automatically reject her and assume I had AIDS. There you go. Keep your options open. So regretfully I dumped her. I felt terrible and obviously didn't tell her it was because she was a porn star because she would have been ashamed for the rest of her life. And I was happy that she was honest with me. I've done my fair share of sleaze,

but this was too much. My question bill was bill, my question bill, was it wrong for me to dump her for some decision she made years ago? Should I have stayed with her? What would have you done? Well, you don't want to know what I would have done. I'm a fucking degenerate. So you seem like a good person. Dude, when you're trying to find the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you have to have a list of criteria. All right? You sound like you're still young, so there's no reason to compromise. All right? I mean, when you get with somebody like that, and you're going to live with them, and when you get with anybody, you're taking on all of their fucking baggage. All right? You're only three months in. And you know, people who go into the

porn industry, you know, it's like people become comedians. We're not healthy individuals, okay? And that is like a specific area that I just, this is just my own personal non-medical feeling that you're just not a healthy person. Something awful happened in that line. I just wanted to feel something. I mean, something bad happened to her cost her to wall herself off. I don't even want to try to guess what, but you know, there's nothing wrong with anything that she did personally, you know, technically, and she was honest with it. It all comes down to whether or not you want to deal with it. All right? And if you feel that, you know, you want to deal with it and that there was this sort of connection that you just had, this girl had to be in your life, then you're going

to have to learn to live with it and get past it. Um, but I would be definitely, I would definitely be concerned with, uh, certain mental issues. Um, not like she's insane. And then I would also be concerned with, uh, sexual boundaries, you know, like would she have any and could she remain faithful after a while? And when you settle into the seven year itch or whatever, and you really start needing to work at the relationship and it's feeling boring and she needs to feel something again, is she going to go back to that leather couch from that show? Martin Ma and, you know, down on fuck in the valley and get banged again. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. That is a, uh,

that is, you know what? That is beyond my skills. I don't know how to tame that horse. I could tell you that right fucking now. I don't, I have no fucking clue. That's a, uh, you know what? That's a Dr. Drew question. That is a classic Dr. Drew question and that guy within two seconds will get right to the core of it. I would call, I would call in love line, man. If you're out here, call them up because that's a, that's a great one. Yeah. I guess you'd have to figure out is, has she worked through whatever the fuck she was working through and now she's ready to, I mean, I don't know. Hey, those are some good looking girls down there and she's like, yeah, they are or whatever. Like, I mean, if you kept steering it in that

direction, you'd probably get your fucking threesome right there. Um, so there's that, there's that option. The option that you have is if you're with her, like I think you could, you know, that's, that's a selfish fucking and a, and a, a shallow reason to stay with somebody long term. Uh, yeah, Jesus. I don't know. Yeah. Fish markets to police in the corner, gunning for you. Apple toes. Um, all right, beef curtain advice. And for those of you in the States, that's a slang for the

who, huh? Beef curtains. Do the math. Think about it. All right. You ready? Okay. Here we go. Here's the situation. I have a wonderful girl in my life. Oh, what? She does not a fuck. That's what I'm guessing. I'm guessing this is the way it's going. I have wonderful girl in my life, great attitude, humor, big tits, nice ass and a good family. Jesus Christ, dude, marry this girl. Sure, it seems good for now, but I have one issue. She also has some mean beef curtains that he put in parentheses, pussy lips, just in case I didn't know that kind of bug me, bug the ever living shit out of me. Whenever we get down to the dirty business, so much so to the point I looked up some cosmetic surgery that basically gives the beef curtains

a trim job and beauties the vagina. Wow, dude. Wow. All right. Now before I read the rest of this, if you're going to fucking ask me how to have this conversation, like listen, love, I love you. I love you. I love your family. I love you. Your heart, everything, but is there any way you could trim your beef curtains? Maybe you can get away with it because you got that cool accent. I don't know, but she has it too. So she's not going to give a fuck. You may pull this off with some foreign chick. Anyways, so he looks up cosmetic surgery to try to beautify the vagina. Now I know by now I must sound like a douchebag focusing on the little things. No, because women do that too. Women focus on little things like that. That's a serious issue, dude. Sex is

a big fucking thing. But anyways, he says, but my thinking is I'm truly going to pull the trigger. He spelt it that way and keep this woman all to myself for the rest of my life. Aren't I entitled to have a great looking vag to look at for as long as our bodies don't wrinkle away? Wow. I know there's a lot of women are fucking annoyed by this one. Yeah, what about your fucking dick and your wrinkled balls? Why don't you get a facelift for your sack there, buddy? I know they're all saying that. How can I ever bring this option up to her without? I knew he's going to ask me without completely destroying her feelings or making her hate me for being so pussy conscious.

Thanks for the read. Now go fuck yourself. All right, this is a simple one. Dude, there is no fucking way you can bring that up to her without absolutely completely destroying her feelings. So you either need to accept this or you have to let her go. That's it. That's it. I mean, I would think that if you actually truly cared about this girl, now all the chicks are going to be like, oh, I knew he had a heart underneath all those C words. If you truly care about this girl, I would think that that wouldn't matter. You know, and if she looks the way she she's saying, you're saying that she looks. I mean, what are we talking here? Like how far down are these things hanging?

Is it like, you know, I mean, if she got them, both of them pairs, could you like do like, could you like, oh, it's bad. I would say, could you be like, do you like that Olympic? What the fuck is that thing here? You're on the rings. Could you do that and still swing your feet up and not hit her pussy? Are we talking like it's that bad? You know, if you did the iron cross, would your head be in her pussy? Like how far are these things hanging down? Hey now, what's the deal with deep gardens? All right, dude, there's no way. There's, there's no fucking way and don't, don't do that to her because she can't do anything about

that. If she had a problem with her fucking vaginal area, you would have known by now because she would have been self-conscious and she would have brought it up the way sometimes girls do about parts of their bodies. And they are super self-conscious about their bodies because we're so fucking visual. All right. I told you one time when the first girls I ever hooked up with when I got her shirt off and her bra off, she rolled her eyes and I thought she was thinking that I was like, oh my God, like I'm not doing it for her. Like she's rolling her eyes like this guy's lame. And I found out later she was self-conscious about the size of her breasts. So I totally took it the wrong fucking way. I made it all about me because I'm self-involved.

So yeah, don't do that to her. All right. Either you can, that's one you just silently have in your head. Either you accept that shit or you move on. But there's no reason to hurt this person because you're a shallow cunt like me. All right. All right. Cheers. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up.

Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up.

Maybe something comes up. Maybe something comes up.