Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-22

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

Bill rambles about alarms, zoos, and cappuccinos. Butcher Box: Sign up at ButcherBox.com/BURR and get 2 lbs of ground beef free in every order for the life of your membership, plus a $10 off coupon.  Bespoke Post: Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code burr at checkout Stamps.com: Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Oh, I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. Oh, Billy fucking thespian doing his acting gig this month, memorizing his lines, saying the stuff he memorized, standing on a piece of tape. I'm actually having a great time.

I'm having a great time, but my world is really small, as I mentioned, so let's get, let's get down to it. Here's one for fucking old people. This is something probably everybody in Australia already knows. All right. If you have a beet salad for dinner, the next morning you're going to think you have blood in your urine. And as you go into the bathroom, you're going to be like, what the fuck is that?

And you're going to be like, wait, am I dying? Am I dying? Oh fuck, I'm dying. And by the end of it, you're like, well, you know, I had a good run. I had a good run. I mean, what am I special? Steve McQueen died at 50. Who the fuck am I?

Right? I'm 53 going to be 54. I got it next to fucking four years off of that guy. And then you're like, oh, wait a second, wait a minute, I had a beet salad last night. Oh, that's what it is. And then you don't go to the doctor. And then the next day you have another one and the same thing happens again. And you're just like, what if I am eating beet salad at the exact moment I got bladder

cancer? Well, what are the odds of that? So then you fucking Google search it, right? The next thing you know, anything you're looking at on YouTube, there's a bunch of colostomy bags in the advertising and it's just like, will you stop spying on me? All right, my beet red pea is my business, not yours, okay? Do you know next year Apple is going to come out with their own colostomy bag? It's supposed to be unfucking believable.

Well, there you go. That's all I got going on in my life. Oh, my, oh, let me hold my wife or let me tell you, let me tell you, we had a couple of dumb fights this week, right? So I had like super early calls where I had to get up at like set the alarm at like 440 in the morning. So the first day, you know, I'm sleeping next to her and it goes wha wha wha wha whatever the fuck it does.

It's an old school alarm, but whatever that's what it sounds like, right? It literally sounds like a duck is telling the worst story ever right next to your fucking ear, right? Just starting off on 10. It's like to build the story, you know, start low and take me somewhere like quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack yeah that's how you do it. You know, just come right out of the fucking gate.

Hey, you wouldn't believe what fucking happened to me. It's goddamn ducks with their fucking stupid stories there. So anyway, I fucking, I wake up, you know, after a rough night because I'm fighting off this cold because both of my kids, you know, have colds, you know, so I'm going to bed, you know, I'm taking Nyquil. Okay, you take Nyquil, you go to bed, you have like those cold medicine dreams, you know, when you wake up in the morning, you're like, did I commit a crime last night or was that like, no, no, that didn't happen.

That didn't happen. I beat the fucking shit out of that guy at the gym. I had a dream last night, I beat the shit out of this, like, it was this weird thing where I was going to use the bench, not for benching, to do tricep work, which is a really, that's a fucking no-no at the gym. You know what I mean? Because everybody goes and does their chest. Everybody wants to work on their chesticles so the ladies can be like, oh my god, you're

so, are you he-man? I thought you were he-man. Yeah, and then you don't do any back exercises and your fucking shoulders come forward and then you fight rotator cuff issues like I am for the last fucking goddamn forever, right? But I'll do it if there's nobody else in the gym and there's another like bench station available. But in this dream, I just went over and I did it. And as I did it, this other fucking guy wanted to use the bench so I'm sitting there and he

walks up to me and just ever so gently, he slapped me in the face twice. The first time I'm like, do I know this guy? And then he did it again. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then for whatever reason, he was on that, you know, that station that you stand up on and then your forearms support you as you take your feet off where you have your feet and then you lift your legs up and you do ab work. He got on one of those and I just went up and I just grabbed him by his fucking throat

and I started slapping him and I was just screaming, you know, fucking slap me. This is because I'm telling you. Nyquil is fucking amazing. And then it's also like, you know, you're going to have some really weird violent, at least I do, I have like violent dreams and I commit crimes and I assault people. I don't know what's going on. So I had those dreams and then I wake up and I have to have an upbeat salad and then I think I'm dying. So whatever, that's what the fuck I'm going through, right?

So anyway, so my fucking alarm fucking goes off. And my wife's like, what? Oh my God, Jesus pillows, right? And she fucking goes back to sleep. So anyway, and I go to work, right? Like the fucking man I am. I trudge out the door with my script time to make the donuts, right? I go out fucking door. And I go down to crafty.

She fucking gets around its crafty, right? I get my little breakfast on set as they say out here on location. And I get a text about three hours later. And my wife, she says, hey, can you do me a favor? If you have another early call time tomorrow, you know, can you, can you sleep downstairs or whatever? Or sleep out, you know, in, in my room above the garage, can you sleep out there? That's what she wanted me to do, right? So I come home.

You know, and she sent that laughing emojis. She tried. She was trying to be nice to a Nyquilt man with beet juice in his urine, right? So I come home, right? And she goes, do you have another early call tomorrow? You know, not how was your day? Not, oh, there's my man who went out and earned some money so we can all eat corn flakes tomorrow morning. That's not what she said.

It's not what she said at all. She said, do you have another early call time tomorrow? And I said, yes, I do. She goes, can you sleep above the garage? And I said, I'm not sleeping there. Because what if this is the night some fucking guy comes through the front door and I'm out there sleeping and God knows what happens to you guys. Now that might have been the Nyquil talking, but that was the first. It's the first thing I thought of.

So I don't do that. And the next morning, 440 in the morning. So I get up and I can feel her anger in the dark. I can feel her anger. I go in trudging in, you know, and I'm in the shower. And when I'm in the shower, she comes walking into use the bathroom and she walks by with the fucking this look on her face. Okay. Like she's that guy in the league that never gets a fucking offensive foul.

Right. She comes fucking walking right by. And I was so fucking. I'm like, I'm thinking like I'm the fucking girl. Good enough at 440 to go fucking work. You're going to go back to sleep. Right. So I did what most adults does right as she got out of my vision.

I gave her the double finger from inside the fucking shower. Right. This is this is what you do when you're married. Okay. And, you know, she was like mad at me. And I'm thinking like rather than me just being like Bill, you know, you're leaving and then she has to take care of two kids and you're waking her up at 440 in the morning. Rather than thinking that I'm thinking like, you know, I'm the guy getting up going outside to go pretend to be. Something I'm not a little respect.

Right. So I fucking leave. I go to work. Right. To be or not to be. That is the question. Okay. Could you do it this time and not stress it is.

Could you stress the be. Yeah, I got it. All right. To be or not to be. That is the question. That was the one that was the one. Right. So I come home for work.

All right. Now she's two days getting woken up at 440. All right. And I also got up at 440. So tensions are rising. Like Russia, Ukraine, within my marriage. This is like what's happening. Like troops have been brought to the border.

And by the way, if I hear one more fucking asshole here in America, did you see what they did? It's, oh my God, it's awful. Oh, I can't, you know, I just, I can't. What is wrong with them? It's just like, are you going to do anything about it? Are you just going to stand around and talk about how awful it is? I just, it is just, it is heartbreaking. It is so hard.

Did you see that new bakery that they have opened up on La Brea? Um, anyway, so I fucking, uh, yeah, so I do my day, right? And I came home and then later on that, now, you know, she's a little fucking grumpy, right? I'm a little tired. So you see what's going to happen. Okay. You have a high pressure system next to a low pressure. So you know what's going to happen, right?

So she goes outside at one point towards the end of the night when I'm getting ready to go to bed and she walks out and she leaves the front door open wide open as we have the heat cranked. So I'm one of those dads where I'm just like, we got the heat on, fucking close the doors. That's how I was brought up. What? Well, you brought up in a barn. I always loved that when my parents would say that to me, when you raised in a barn, it's

like, well, why don't you think back? You raised me. I think pretty much we were in a garrison colonial. So she leaves the door wide open. So I just go to like, just not close it all the way. I'm leaving the door, a jar. And as I'm going to close it, she's outside going like, I'm coming back in. I'm coming right back in.

Don't close the door. I'm coming right back in. Do I listen? No. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. The heat is cranked and it's going outside. All right. So I just close it like that.

And then she comes, she was bringing a kid seat. All she had to do was just shoulder the door a little bit and it would have swung wide open. So now she's not really mad about that. She's mad because she hasn't gotten the right amount of sleep because my fucking thespian douchebag ass is fucking waking up at her up to at 4.40 in the morning, right? So she just comes, she's like, why would you do that? Why would you close the door?

And I said, I didn't close the door. I just don't understand why you would do that. And then I was just like, I was like, you know what? Why would you give me a dirty look when I'm the guy going out the fucking door, making the money to make, to earn money for the cheerios? She goes, I'm not talking about that. Right? At this big dumb fight where she of course immediately tried to make up with me because

she's more mature than I am, right? And I'm like, I'm still mad, right? And then the next day she texts me after I got up after sleeping over the garage another 4.40 in the morning, right? Going back off to work. To me or not to be, that is the question, right? She texts me about halfway through the day. How's it going?

Right? That's not what she said. How's it going? Because she's a sweetheart. And I said, well, I love you again, which got a big laugh via text and it was over just like that. Okay. And that's what happened to me over the last couple of days is everybody's hearts were

breaking for what's going on over in the Ukraine as they do absolutely nothing about it. As they look at that and don't see themselves in it, drives me up the fucking wall. Did you see they bombed this? Yeah, that's what invading a country looks like. If you didn't live behind the media wall, you know, that doesn't show that shit when we do it, but instead focuses on stand-up comedians and the jokes that they told in a fucking strip mall and people watch it like it's news.

Sorry. I'm not getting off my fucking little liberal stump about this fucking thing until people stop telling me that their hearts, did you just see what happened to the dolphins? Oh my God, my heart breaks for those dolphins. You know, I was talking to a surfer yesterday. Right, isn't that surfing song before it became a Quentin Tarantino pulp fiction song? Surfer rock music, right? I was talking to him.

He's like, you know, dolphins are kind of cunts. He didn't say it like that, but that's basically what he was saying. And he was saying that the adolescent ones, you know, they don't even, there's nothing to it like when there's shark attacks and shit, it's Jaws, dude. There's the mayor going, we're not closing the beach and you're not reporting on that because if you do, we're going to lose a fucking load of money. And all of these fucking dum-dums go to the beach and they go into that water and they don't, you know, literally, I mean, I'm trying to think of another environment that you go

to where there's just things that can eat you alive and you're that close. Oh, I know what it is. It's called the fucking zoo. And if you notice when you go to the zoo, when you go to the fucking zoo, they got all those things in cages. They have them down in pits and even then they don't fucking, that doesn't sometimes stop them. Okay.

You've seen bears. They can fucking open car doors. They're like open a refrigerator and lean on it, looking for something to eat. Like this is their fucking joint, right? I mean, you really got to watch. They're like toddlers. Like toddlers watch you open a door and they just clock and everything. Is that how it goes?

And they start trying with their little fucking cute hands. Bears are the same way. All right. But I remember hearing this story. I think it was up in San Francisco. This guy was teasing like a tiger or a lion. I think it was a tiger and he was fucking with this thing and it was down in a pit and it got so fucking mad.

It had so much adrenaline. It jumped up out of the fucking pit, ran by a bunch of other people and went right to this guy and fucking mauled him to death. Okay. Unless that's an urban myth. I looked it up. I think it was in the San Francisco so and so and that's a legitimate paper up there. Look it up.

Let me know if that's true or not. But yeah, those same fucking you would never go out into the wilderness or in the jungle with no fucking weapon. All right. All you dear urine guys proud to be in America. I'm shooting my own food when the dollar collapses. I'm going to fucking eat you. I'll shoot you in your torso.

Get you center mass. Then take out again Sue and cut meat off your ass. Sorry. That was a reference to the Japanese army in World War II. What the fuck am I talking about? Yeah. You would never go out there with no fucking weapon. All right.

The people every goddamn day do that when they go into the fucking ocean and there's so many goddamn I just it just fucking blows my mind and everybody's like you know what the fucking odds are. You don't know what the odds are because every fucking town has a mayor like the guy in Jaws yelling at chief Brody. Notice whenever they say a shark attack they always put rare a very rare shark attack. It's not rare. The only thing rare is the meat coming off your fucking body. Unless you're like unless you're a redhead you've been out in the sun too long then you might be a medium rare. So this guy the surfer man Mahala man.

He fucking told me old freckles himself. He told me that they had this thing I think down in Florida where these adolescent dolphins you know these juvie dolphins that should have been said somewhere. He got in their fucking dolphin mine rights that their job in the world is to fucking study in the ocean. So someday they can support their family working at SeaWorld. They were grabbing swimmers and pulling them down and drowning them and they were sticking them in this cave and they went down there and they found a bunch of bones. From these people that they probably just said was drowning and the mayor was saying like I don't know don't don't say it was a shark attack and it was actually dolphins. Dolphins everybody who we think give a shit about us because there was a show called flipper 50 years ago on television. And you know you got to understand that dolphins can help you out dolphins are like Spider-Man.

It all depends on what suit they're wearing that day. Okay if they had the red and blue one like two out of three colors on our flag out here in America. Right. They're the good Spider-Man and the good dolphin. But if they put on the suit of color then they're the bad and what message does that send to the dolphin community. Do you see that when Spider-Man wears the black suit he actually becomes a bad the suit takes over and he does crap. I know it breaks my heart. I can't. I just I can't.

That's something a lot of white people I've noticed can't. You know that's the thing they can't. I just can't. Did you see that I can't fucking can't. My heart breaks. I couldn't stop thinking of what I saw that happened yesterday to the point when that man was handy hanging up my new flat screen TV. I couldn't even he's like is it level. It's like I don't even know.

He's like what's going on with you. I say don't you realize. That even though I'm standing in this giant open floor plan with indoor outdoor living that my heart is actually breaking as I think about horrible things that are happening to other people just know. When I get in my infinity pool. Why am I acting like all white people have shit like this. It's a lot of broke white people to why am I just attacking white people because it's fun. You know I tell you when I my heart breaks. For the people facing them dirty Russians.

And when I sit in my double wide I earned it bitch. What I said in my double wide tonight. And drink an A and W root beer no. With a little bit of not quilling it that my heart breaks for those those people over there. Well G bill when did you become so perfect. I don't know when I got an acting gig and I had to get up at 440 in the morning. Because right now I am a working actor. It really has nothing to do with people that saying their hearts break that's good.

They're expressing that they actually have empathy for other people but then like what are you supposed to do. What in the fuck do you do. You can't really do anything you try to do something you get labeled a commie. You know if you're in Russia and you try to say hey man don't invade the Ukraine then they call you a capitalist. You can't win. And you know I blame I blame God because he made us all. You know I blame him. I'm sick of the fucking accolades.

Nothing but fucking five star fucking reviews. On the religious channel. Anyway. You know what one of the highlights of my my not my not you know doing what I was doing yesterday. I was riding. Club soda Kenny's out here. He's on the job right and he was driving me back. To base camp and I saw this white dodge thirty five hundred four wheel drive Dooley.

And I just was looking at thing and I was just like God damn it. I wish I let a life that justified owning that thing. Can't drive around in that. Hey buddy what are you a horse. You got a horse farm. No. What you got. No I'm afraid of the water.

Well shit you got your your restoring cars or something. You got a tow like over 10,000 pounds. You get a couple of mom there. Is that what you got. No. Well what is it. It's just like the way it looks and sounds. I have a lot of that in my life.

Are you like me. Do you own some badass shit that you really like but secretly know that when you wear it or use it that you know. The makers of it weren't making it for you. That they were making it for actually truly badass people you like me do you own a guitar. But only can play a few chords. But like if slash had it he could actually tour the world with it you know. Well yeah that's a new subject. What is what's the most badass thing that you own that you know secretly in your heart.

It wasn't made for you because you're not that person you know. Like maybe you saw I don't know. Somebody in a movie wearing something and you're like I'm going to wear that shirt. You know after I just watched him beat up a whole bar room full of fucking knife wielding lunatics. You know do you got a Steven Segal guy. You got one of those things. Or maybe you're just a man with the ponytail. You know.

You bought yourself a Dodge Challenger you know and you pull into some town you never been into and you get out. You think people are looking at you like who who's that stranger. Is he wearing cowboy boots. Is he a cowboy. You own cowboy boots. You don't cowboys. You got some cowboy boots right. You don't own a cow.

And you're a man at this point. I'll tell you one for you if you want to talk about a lot of people that just drive trucks for no good goddamn reason. Texas. I've never seen so many fucking pickup trucks in my life. I mean that's where I should I should go. I should fucking move there. I should move there. Because I mean I even think if I drove a Dooley even they would be like now.

God damn it Bill we all know you live in a condo high rise. In downtown Dallas. All right looking at looking out over the American Airlines arena. You got no business. All in that truck and I drive it sometime. I got an idea. What if we what if I got an idea what if we drive it off road get it all dirty like we work right like we work with our hands and our backs for our living. And then we put on some dirty clothes and then we go and we pull up pull up to someplace and everybody thinks that we worked hard that day and we really did.

Dallas and Houston. Just some of the most shiniest beautiful pickup trucks I've ever seen in my life that have never other than rain. You know if you want to buy a used pickup truck go to Dallas or Houston there is zero miles on that towing hitch never been plowed. Just driving to and from work you know. Pull in and you know pull in into Starbucks. Oh by the way I finally gave into coffee. And it almost got its hooks into me. It almost got its hooks into me.

I had. I had a cappuccino. And it was the first cup of coffee I ever drank the whole thing because I've always had a few sips and I just been that's too bitter. I don't like the shit. I love the smell. And every time I'd go to the airport and see all these fucking people lining up like they're at the meth clinic. I just remember always thinking like thank God I never I didn't I've done a lot of dumb shit but I didn't get into that dumb shit. Well I was tired.

You know that shit after a couple of days. And I had a cappuccino and I took that first sip and it was kind of OK. And by the third sip I'm like oh wait a minute. I think I get this. And I drank the whole fucking thing. And then the next day had another early day and I fucking drank another one. And the second day it didn't taste bad at all. It tasted delicious from the second it hit my lips like Frank the tank.

When he did that funnel when he funnels those beers in old school right to the very end and I was like oh my God. I get it. There had to be a reason these people were standing in this line. It has to be that good slash it's an addiction. And then three days in a row I fought it and I didn't get a cup of coffee and now I don't give a fuck anymore. Because I was just like I can't do this. I did this with booze. I did this with weed.

I did this with cigars. I don't. I did this with sugar and shit food. I need another thing that eventually I'm going to have to quit. So I just walked away and now I've just decided. That it's going to be like. Something that maybe once or twice a year I'm going to do. Like once a year or something me and my wife go on vacation.

And I'll do some mushrooms and I'll smoke a little weed and then when I come home that's it. That's it. My kids aren't going to see me fucking walking around. You know. You know daddy like to scotch. I'm not going to be that fucking guy. You know. And when my kids ask me well they could listen to the podcast.

I'm going to be honest with them. You know daddy have you ever done that stuff. Yeah. I didn't. I got out of control and I fucking hated myself and I did stupid shit. You know. Just let you know if that's what you're going to do because I can't stop you from doing it. That's what's going to end up happening.

However. Yeah. I think it was really important for me to be stone sober when I was raising you guys because I didn't want to miss any of it. I love you guys. All right. So there's that. I mean other than that what are you going to do. All right.

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we're having a great time up here probably too much fun I'm off the wagon as of last Monday but you know I only got fucked up twice this week you know I got really fucked up about two nights ago but other than that and I didn't miss being hung over so for the most part like last night I had a beer two nights before that I had one glass of wine I mean if you want to call that if you want to call that ticky tack shit drinking all right you want to sit there with your fucking toes pointed at each other in your knees together right like some fucking jerk off waiting for a bus and a Norman Rockwell painting then then you do that all right I don't count those okay from what I heard a glass of wine every day is actually good for you fucking and arteries oh you hear that somebody finally committed a crime up here in Canada what did he do huh did he put on somebody else's skates oh sorry about that sorry I like these people up here everybody says sorry I say sorry all the time you know hey this this pancake you may taste like a fucking somebody wiped our ass with it sorry I'm sorry you didn't you suck it make it a pancake right I actually had an apple for breakfast if you're wondering trying to stay in shape when I'm up here I was kidding who I'm not going to lie to you guys I am fucking shot I I've been just traveling and doing my goddamn act every fucking night I am so sick of my goddamn voice which is great because it's making me say new stuff on stage and I've been writing a lot now I'm not saying that I actually sit down and write what I'm really saying is I'm just saying different shit on stage and you know it's a lot of shit jokes a lot of dick jokes but you know I'm getting through it it's been it's been amazing absolutely amazing we're on a four day run here in in Toronto and the greater Toronto area we started off down and I don't even know what the fuck Hammerville Hammerstein I don't know what it is but the nickname is fucking Hamilton the nickname is Hammer Town stop Hammer town do do do do do to do was unbelievable great fucking show down there and then I also found out for a buddy of mine that around the corner was where that that unreal team Canada the game was in 1987 when they when they beat the Russians Gretzky to Lemieux right you guys from you guys member do you fucking member I died let's see I played a pickup game a hockey in Ottawa that was great me and Verzi skated on the frozen canal we held hands and split a beaver tail and whispered sweet nothings into one another's ears we didn't get a beaver tail but the rest of it happened alright and I stand by it now we we did skate on the canal man it's fucking unbelievable Ottawa underrated brutally brutally brutally fucking underrated you want to surprise your girlfriend or soon to be wife with a honeymoon she'll never forget or possibly forgive you for take her to Ottawa everybody

it's a government time did you guys know that Ottawa is the capital of Canada I didn't know that it's one of those towns everybody's got the big government job and right around five everybody takes off and even the Starbucks closes but if you go across the fucking river is a bunch of places to get yourself a beer was a little rink out here I don't know guys I got I have absolutely nothing I'm too old to be on tour this long and today is the halfway point so I got another 10 days and another 10 days to go on this last night I was at a Massey Hall for those of you who never heard of it if your favorite band is ever playing a show there it's worth taking a trip unbelievable second I walked out there I was saying to Versey like Jesus Christ I'd love to take a special here but then I heard I heard their fees through the fucking roof of course you know like I'm the only asshole that walked in there and said you know what I think this will look visually it will look really good on camera but yeah it was definitely very humbling to be on that thing because I kind of looked up some of the history before I got out there and evidently one night Miles Davis Charlie Parker Charles Mingus and fucking Max Roach put on arguably one of the greatest concerts of all time Louis Armstrong played there I'm not a big rush fan but I guess that all the world's a stage they filmed there or recorded there Neil Young recorded some stuff there and then old Billy Redface came in and did his shit and dick jokes.

I had some guy after the show told me that he saw George Carlin perform there in the 80s so it was definitely it was pretty awesome to become a part of that history there I'm definitely fucking coming back so here's the deal so at the end of the show you know you know Versey wants to go see that fucking movie where somebody's getting murdered on a plane every 10 minutes and for some reason they can't figure out who the fuck's doing it. Okay and I'm sitting there having this argument with Versey going dude I'm not going to go see that shit and he's like he's like dude it's fucking Liam Neeson Liam Neeson Neeson whatever the fuck you say his name and I'm like I like that guy okay but. Snakes on the plane is snakes on the plane even if there's no snakes on the plane you know what I mean it is what it is it's fucking stupid and I know somebody's going to shoot a gun on the plane. You know it's somehow even if he misses. I don't know it's just it's fucking dumb it's as dumb as back in the day when they had a smoking section on an airplane you remember dice clays bet you're in a fucking tube it's the same thing if you're talking about smoking. Or you're talking about a fucking murder mystery how many goddamn people could you fucking kill on a plane and you know somehow the fucking guy is going to be able to climb down into the luggage area. It's going to pull up some carpet and there'll be a trap door there I must have flown on 9000 fucking planes in my life can somebody please tell me where that fucking trap door is it doesn't exist.

It's a separate fucking compartment it has to be and even if it isn't after 911 I'm sure they fucking welded it shut right. They always show that movies somebody goes down to visit their fucking dog right and then there's some sweaty Middle Eastern looking guy down there that's what they have now back in the day with some sweaty Russian looking guy it's whoever the fuck where it odds with. And they're always sweaty and they need a shave and they're down there and they have absolutely you know and they have absolutely no fucking morals whatsoever they're always down there in the fucking luggage. Right and then you got the John McClain guy how many fucking guys have been on the fucking plane John McClain did one didn't he Bruce Willis has been on the plane. Wesley Snipes has been on the plane always been on black motherfucker right you thought that one was the last one here comes old Liam Neeson. You know something fuck air fucked movies on airplanes fuck all of them they all you name me one movie that took place on a fucking airplane that was good. All right and I will immediately block you on fucking Twitter for actually saying it's a good fucking movie. Okay you can fucking kill somebody on the plane but you know what pretty much everybody's going to see it how you're going to do it.

Let's just say you had some little fucking heart attack missed like the Iceman. Remember the Iceman they made a movie about him that guy where he would just he was sitting there talking about all the murders he committed. You know talking through his clinch jaw look like an old sea captain but he was a fucking hit man for the mob. He had this miss he said he'd go into studio 54 and he'd act all swishy and he'd walk up to a guy hit on him and then he'd spray him with this miss and like three seconds later the guy would have a heart attack. Let's just say you had the fucking Iceman cometh's fucking heart attack missed. All right. Now you're in a row of three people. What do you think the best place is to sit if you want to murder one of the other two people in your row.

I'm guessing the middle seat. Okay if I have to put this air quote caper together and you take the fucking missed and I'm going to fucking I'm going to give the guy on the window a heart attack. I'm going to spray it in him and that fucking guy is going to go into cardiac arrest. All right and do you think the guy sitting to the right of me or the fucking lady to the right of me in the aisle seat is not going to notice this person convulsing. All right well let's just say they fucking dropped dead. It's so powerful they just dropped dead and just happened to slump to the fucking side. Now I might be able to get away with that. All right.

But only if that person had already hadn't already reclined their seat. Okay. Hadn't already reclined their fucking seat because when we go you know we begin our initial descent the fucking stewardess or the male stewardess is going to fucking come over and be like excuse me sir sir excuse me could you wake him. No I can't wake him because I fucking sprayed him with a heart attack mist. What I can do is press the button for him and put his fucking dead head between his fucking rigged mortis legs if you'd like. Peter. I don't know why his name is Peter. All right now you killed one person what the fuck you're going to just start going around killing people.

One person is going to die every 10 minutes unless I get a sack of cash in Rhineland to Wisconsin by fucking 230. You think the airline would give a fuck. All right. 250 million dollar ransom is that what the fuck you want. I mean how much is it going to cost them to settle out of court. It's going to cost less than that because they have all the money. Right. I don't like fucking movies.

On airplanes and I don't like movies where people have pointed ears and nobody fucking addresses it. The other day I'm sitting there with Verzi and we're flipping through the fucking stations and one of those Hobbit movies comes on and this fucking asshole. He's got one of those let it be 70s haircuts where his hair is plenty long enough to not show his fucking pointed ears. But for some reason he's got it scooped around the back of his ear like he's going to fucking blow somebody. And I just look at I go look at that dude's fucking ear. How does the guy with the white beard not address that like what the fuck happened here. What are you. Huh.

You're a fucking elf. What does that mean. What do you what do you what does your diet consist of. Celery and guinea pigs your fucking weirdo. Get the fuck out of here. Is that is that racist. Am I going to have to apologize to elves. Jesus Christ.

God damn moves with airplanes. You know what I mean. Please. All right. Oh please. I don't have time for that sweetheart. Okay. Let's get to some advertising for this week. LegalZoom.com everybody. If the excitement of starting your business getting your first customer and finally quitting your job hasn't moved you to action yet. You know what nothing else will.

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What the fuck am I and why did that just pop up. Why did that just pop up. All right let's get back to this over over over over. All right back to the podcast so anyways I'm still up here in Canada. Oh Canada I'm touring across the provinces. I've had some people come in I from some pretty crazy places. Yukon territories. Somebody told me that there's a theater up there.

Maybe I'll look into that the next hour of bullshit that I come up with the next time I tour Canada which I'm definitely going to do. I had someone flying from Brazil and then I had this couple coming from Kuwait. You know when they're sitting there yeah we flew all the way in but blah blah blah blah blah and you know we're going to hang out here in Toronto yada yada yada and I said wait a minute. I go could I do a show in Kuwait and they're like absolutely. And I said I can say what I said here tonight in Kuwait and the guy goes yeah and then the woman goes well. But just meeting those two I want to go there you know they were some cosmopolitan motherfuckers. I really would like to go to the Middle East and not get kidnapped. If you're in the Middle East and you know where a fucking freckled white boy from the U.S. can go.

You know I would like to I want that middle ground. I want to go to a place where I'm not going to get abducted by people who fucking hate my government. And I also want to I don't want to go to a place that subsists because there's a tent city right outside the city limits. And people are living you know on dog food. You got a middle ground that I can go to you know where I can do some fucking shows out there. I can tell my jokes and I don't have to worry about the Shah or the fucking Prime Minister or the fucking son of the king of the Arabs are going to come in and take me away. I don't want that to happen. I'd like to go over there right.

I want to go on wearing one of those cool as fucking things on my head with the little aerobic bandana. I do that I do that in a fucking second. Looking like a cornerback at the end of the game with my fucking do rag on. Let me know. I'll go over there. I'll fucking do it. Oh hey there's a rumor. I heard a rumor.

Jesus Christ. Who was that? Who sang that fucking song? It wasn't Spando Ballet. I heard a rumor. There was a Z in it. I'm calling that there was a Z in their name for some reason. It was like three fucking chicks and they were all almost good looking.

You know what I'm talking about? I heard a rumor lyrics. Banana Ramah. You motherfucker. Why did I think there was a Z in it? Well you know what? The fact that there wasn't a Z in it and the fact that I looked the way I do and I actually said that they were only kind of good looking. As punishment I now have to go to lyrics.com and sing as much as this as I can remember.

I don't remember it. Who needs a friend who never shows? I'll tell you what you want to know. I could have saved a broken heart. If I found out long ago, I don't remember. I heard a rumor. Ooh, ooh, I heard a rumor. That's actually written on paper.

I heard a rumor. O-O-H-O-O-H. Ooh, ooh, I heard a rumor. They say you got a broken. Now you guys are getting punished. This isn't a punishment. You guys know I like to sing even though I can't. You know some cunt wrote me one time and was telling me how much I suck at singing like I don't realize that.

Like that isn't the joke. But you know something? For those of you people who are about to embark on any sort of a dream and it involves you having a website or a Twitter account, Facebook or anything. Anywhere where people can give you feedback. Just know that people will find fucking something to bitch about. Do you know what somebody said? Somebody sent me a fucking e-mail or a Twitter thing. I can't remember what.

It might have been the most nitpicky thing anybody has ever said. When I was down in Hammerville there, Hammerstein, why can't I remember the fucking name? Hamilton. When I was down there, you know, at wire to wire, I had a fucking great show. Go fuck yourself. I killed it. Thank you for coming out. I went out.

I fucking took pictures with people. I'm selling what's left of my DVDs. The last time I'm selling a DVD because it's one step ahead of the fucking laser disc. I got to get them out of my garage. Thank you to everybody who bought one. Somebody actually said, great show, but Jesus Christ, your wallet is way too big. Can you fucking believe that? How the fuck did you even see it?

I maybe have my back to the crowd for fucking two minutes in an hour and 15 minutes set and it bothered you how big my fucking wallet was. It's not my fault it's stuffed with fucking business cats. People give them to me when I'm on tour. Hey, if you're over here, fucking this is this thing. If you'd ever like some of this, here's this thing. And I just stuff them in my wallet. And then when I come home, I stick them with all the other business cards that I'm never going to look at.

Okay? And when you're in the middle of a 20-day tour, yeah, I can get a little bit big. All right? Why don't you stop staring at my fucking ass, you weirdo, in the middle of my show? You ever think maybe that it's so fat because it's stuffed with the plastic money that I've made up here? Do you know Canadian currency? They're greenbacks, they're dollars, they're made out of plastic now. Very smooth plastic and I fucking love it.

Their money is the shit. I've always loved American money the best because that's the money that I grew up with and I just think it looks cool. And I like all the weird shit they're doing with it with the extra big fucking heads. They got a little off to the side, little nod to hip hop, you know? Don't wear your hat like Donnie baseball anymore. You got to do fucking the Jay-Z thing where it's off to the side just a little bit, you know? I don't know, what the fuck am I talking about? Yeah, but the only thing that stinks about their money is I guess you can't stack it.

There's something about it because it's plastic, it just sort of slides down to the side. But anyways, that was the nitpick bitch of the week. Evidently my wallet was too big. You know, I really liked that stand-up comedians act. He was really funny, but I got to tell you, the size of his billfold just really ruined it for me. You know what, sir? Or ma'am, whoever the fuck wrote me that, I got to tell you, you have a future as a critic. You really do, because even when critics like something, they find something to fucking complain about.

You know? Even if they like your show, like my show, even a good review, if you read it, it would be like, the big-headed freckled fuck took command of the stage for an amazing performance of stand-up. As I watched his distractingly alabaster hands motion through brilliant bit, that's what they do. They're complimenting you while insulting the shit out of how the fuck you look. You know, I don't like when they do that. You know, I want to criticize critics. It's another thing I don't like.

I don't like when fucking critics do that, or they're writing an article on a celebrity, and they do that thing where they fucking, they always got to talk about what the fuck they're reading, because I guess they always interview these movie stars in restaurants. And they always got to say, as he fucking bites into a pan-seared, salmon-encrusted pork chop, an older and wiser little fella from the fucking Angry King show there on HBO, with his tailored fucking suit. I don't know. He has a sadness in his eyes as he bites into a cherry tomato.

I really fucking hate that. I just feel like they just, they're just building up. They're just like, how many fucking words do I got to write about this little fella here? With that dumb fucking look on his face. I'm really sick of that fucking, I'm just sick of the look on that guy's fucking face. It's, I don't know what it is. It's bad enough when a regular-sized guy has that look on his face like he's going to come over there and slap the taste out of your mouth, okay?

I don't need some little fella sitting there with his little suit staring at me. Like I said something about him. I didn't say anything about you, okay? So, you know, why don't you get your fucking furrowed brow and point it in another direction and fuck you and your cherry tomatoes? What do you think about that, huh? Now get out of my face before I tip you over. I'm sorry, I really am in a cunty mood.

This has nothing to do with the little fella on the Angry King show on HBO. It really has to do with the fact that I miss my wife and my dog. I miss my truck, I miss all of that shit. While simultaneously having one of the greatest fucking tours I've ever had, me and Verzi, I'm having so much fucking fun up here. Verzi started doing this fucking Rodney Dangerfield impression. So that's all we've been doing up here. It will just be sitting there, you know, drinking a beer.

And you just go, you know, this is a good beer. I'll tell you, last week I had a rough one. And I don't know why, it's always, it's just been funny the whole fucking week to us. I've skated almost every goddamn day. These fucking, you know what's great about Canada? Because they're so far north, they have to work. These fucking, you know what's great about Canada? Because they're so far north, they have to embrace the winter and there's just shit to do.

They got like, I like looked up free public skating here in Toronto and you would have thought I looked up a Starbucks. The amount of fucking hits I got on my phone, it's just fucking tremendous. So, you know, it's only so long that I can go on a goddamn treadmill. You know, and just because you have the option of just stepping off the fucking thing, that's why I love my dog. I love taking her on a hike, going on a fucking hike. You know, listen to some songs and I'm good. Or you're out here and you fucking go out and you just go skating.

It's fun. It's a fucking good time. Oh, you know what I did? I got a friend of mine that lives up here and he's an assistant coach on a hockey team. He's got a son in a 10 to 11 year old group and I went to this rink. They had four rinks there, all these different games and I have to fucking tell you something. I've never seen kids of that age play the game the way these kids were playing. They were fucking, it was an unbelievably entertaining game. It was 1-0, 1-1, 2-1, 2-2 and then 3-2 and then they pulled ahead.

They got the dagger, got the fourth goal and these fucking kids up here at age 10 to 11, the level with which they were playing this game. It wasn't even the kid with the puck. It was what the kids were doing away from the puck, how they knew where to be. There was a fucking kid on the other team, last name kid, number four or something. I was like jealous of how well he could skate backwards. This kid was like 10 or 11 years old and the way he played defense, I was actually watching him learning.

It was like an NHL game but everybody was 10 or 11, the way it was played. Obviously it wasn't as fast but when I was watching it live, I was fucking blown away by the talent up here. It was a great game and when it was 3-2 because the other team kept tying it up, I was actually on the edge of my seat watching a game between 10 and 11 year olds. It's fucking amazing up here. Anyways, I did that. How far into the fucking podcast am I? Jesus, I'm limping along this week. 29 minutes in.

You know what I've been doing with Verzi this week? I've toured with Verzi for so fucking long. We're like an old married couple. I've never seen anybody who hates the morning as much as he does so this whole fucking tour, I've never woken him up with the text because I always do that shit. I'll text him, hey, you want to get breakfast and he's never quite awake. So I just wait till he fucking wakes up and that fucking guy, if you don't text him, he'll sleep till like 1 in the afternoon and he still has the nerve to come downstairs looking a little groggy. He always comes down like, dude, how great was that mattress, man?

Fucking epic. That mattress was epic. Everything's epic to him. I don't know. So that's why I'm doing the podcast with Don. Next week we'll wrap up the tour. We will wrap up the tour. Me and him will do the podcast together. But oh, I got to do another one. I heard a rumor. Allegedly, there are dates in the works with three of my best friends in comedy. Quite possibly.

I've heard rumors that they might be doing a tour, a club tour. Starting out on the West Coast. Possibly maybe starting in LA. Possibly with yours truly hosting the show. I've heard this fucking rumor that possibly. Rose Bowl, tailgate legends, Jason Lawhead, Joe Bartnick. All right. And dude, I called it Paul Versey. Quite possibly could be doing a three man tour of clubs, limited engagements over the next couple of months.

Sponsored by the Monday morning podcast, the first tour, I hope the first of many tours to be sponsored by this podcast. There are rumors that there are agents right now working on over the weekend. Suit on, tie off, wiping their brow, trying to put together some dates on this tour. Quite possibly next week there might even be an announcement. But right now that is just a rumor. But I'll tell you what isn't a rumor. I'm doing a date in Nashville on May 16th. And it's part of Vince Vaughn's Wild West tour comedy tour.

And let's see here. I just fucking tweeted about it. Jesus, Bill, what the fuck is wrong with you? Hang on, hang on, hang on. You go to home. No, I go to me. Right. Yeah, the Wild West Comedy Festival.

Wild West Comedy Festival.com is the website. Tickets are on sale now. If you follow me on Twitter, I have their Twitter handle. Is that what you say? At Wild West CF as in Comedy Festival. And on Facebook, it's Facebook.com. Backslash. WWCF Nashville as in Wild West Comedy Festival.

Nashville. Anywho. All right, so that's enough of the goddamn promotions for the week. All right. Just when you think my singing can't get any worse. How about I try to top that with sound? Do you think I can sound more dumb than the level of my awful singing? Well, I think I can.

I've been sort of keeping up on the events that are going on over in the Ukraine. But with my limited knowledge of what's going on there now and my limited knowledge of what's happened there in the past, that ousted fucking president or prime minister, whatever they call him, Yanukovych, that guy's a sellout cunt. All right, and I'm not trying to stir up some shit over there. Okay, but after what Stalin did there in World War II, they shouldn't want nothing to do with Russia. Okay?

And the fact that there's Russian sympathizers in the Ukraine, I don't fucking get it. Why does old Vladimir give a fuck about this Yanukovych so much? I actually looked up Yanukovych Russian puppet and I got a bunch of hits. So, why can't you let the Ukrainians have their own goddamn country? They didn't like you so much that they actually overthrew you. There's so much dirty shit going on over there. I think Vladimir Putin or whatever the fuck his name is, he said that that was actually backed by the U.S. Would that be hilarious if we actually backed that?

If we backed that, they overthrew their fucking prime minister, whatever the fuck his name is, Yanukovych, Yanukovych, whatever his fucking name is, right? And then we get to go publicly and be like, hey, what are you guys doing, Russia? Leave him alone. Stop meddling in their affairs. If we actually did do it, I have to respect old Vladdy Daddy there that he fucking said that he called us out on it. I think he called us out on it. Maybe he called somebody else out on it. I have a fucking nose. God knows. We did something over there. Let me tell you, it was a rough week over there in Ukraine.

I don't know. Just fucking leave him alone. Can't countries just leave other countries alone? I think that would be great for this country if we just fucking pulled all our people back. We just left everybody alone. And you know what? All our corporations had to come back too. And we started making Levi's 501 blues again. The button flies, some Z-cavary cheese, and we actually made them here. We didn't make children's song together, you know.

Why can't we do that again? And then you just legalize weed everywhere. And then you use that as the export and we got everybody fucking high man and everybody mellows out. Why can't we do that? You know why? Because everybody hurts. The reason why you can't do it is because it's the same reason why the fucking NFL has that stupid ass fucking dumb ass game in England every year. Alright? It's because of the ego.

You want to put your stamp. You want to put your fucking mark on something. You want to say that it was here and then I took it to here. You know? No one can just be like, hey, we're right here and isn't this a good place to be? You always got, what about me? What about my fucking legacy? And that's what the, that's what the fucking, the guy from the NFL's doing. Alright? Pete Roselle is the benchmark. You got to somehow try to outdo him. We went Pete Roselle and then Peter Noon, I think, was the next fucking commissioner.

And then you got this guy, was it Reykjavich? Roger Goodell? I don't know what the fucking guy's name is, but whatever. He's got to somehow outdo Pete Roselle. Pete Roselle brought the AFL and the NFL together. Monday night football, the Super Bowl. So the only way to top that is you somehow have to try and go fucking global. So he has that stupid ass, dumb ass fucking game in England every goddamn year.

For what? Can't you just be happy being billionaires or multi-millionaires? I would say that about everything. I would say that about the fucking NHL. Why can't you just be multi-millionaires? Isn't that enough? Why do you got to have the Florida Panthers? Okay, and you know what?

Fuck you if you live in Miami. Fuck you, okay? Fuck you. You got all that exotic pussy down there. You also have to have a fucking NHL team. Go fuck yourself, okay? You want to go to a hockey game. You get in your goddamn VW bus and you drive to a cold city.

Alright? Everyone have had enough of these fucking winter teams down in the fucking south. Alright? Having a winter classic game. Winter classic game at Dodger Stadium. People sitting there in fucking tank tops watching ice hockey outside. Alright? I don't want to get all hippy on you here, but how many porpoises had to fucking die

so they can fucking have enough goddamn water to make that whole thing happen? You know, a lot of people don't realize that ice is actually made out of salt water. Okay? And salt water is the living, breathing oxygen that a porpoise has to inhale through its fucking gills. Alright? Don't porpoise... Our porpoises are mammal. Are they?

And I realize that there's oxygen and water before you guys actually take that shit seriously. Porpoises breathe through a porthole and orifice at the top of their head. I'm gonna look this up now. That's how you spell porpoise? Porpoise? Is it a mammal? I spelled mammal with three M's in the middle. Did you mean mammal?

Of course I meant mammal. Porpoise. Mammal. Any of the seven species of toothed whales distinguishable from dolphins by their row, by their more compact build, generally smaller in size, maximum length about two meters, that's about 6.6 feet they say, and curved blunt snouts with spatulate rather than conical teeth. Those are great words.

Spatulate and conical. I want you guys to use, next time you're getting fucking hammered, I want you to slip both of those words in, and if you can actually use them, that's a great line to say to a woman, you know why I like you? I saw you from across the bar, you know what really attracted me? And she'd be like, what?

And you'd be like your blunt snout with your spatulate rather than conical teeth. What would you like to drink, sweetheart? Blunt snout, that's a fucking good name for a band. Ladies and gentlemen, blunt snout. All right, let's get to some of the fucking questions this week. I'm sorry, I'm just really shitting the bed here. Did I talk about everything I think I did? Oh, people talking about the posters, where are my posters?

Relax, they're all on their way. We still got another, there's still some more coming out this week, overwhelming response. And I got one guy in the mail room trying to send all of these fuckers out, so you'll get them, all right? And they are autographed, so relax. Okay, and if you don't get them, I'll give you a fucking money back, but I'm saying don't give up hope, all right?

Hang in there. Hang in there. Stay gold, pony boy, stay gold. All right, baseball season, Billy Ruth. I grew up loving the game of baseball, my greatest memories. Hang on a second, I gotta fucking close this window, there's some douche talking. Fucking muted. All right, hang on, all right. I grew up loving the game of baseball.

My greatest memories as a child included the smell of a mitt and the sensation of throwing a ball hard across an infield. I also grew up an Orioles fan. Ah, the fucking Orioles were great when I grew up. When I was growing up, they were the shit. They were already, they won in 66, and they won in 70. They blew it in 79, and then they won in 83. Look at that, right off the top of my fucking head, but I can't read out loud.

Do you know I can do that in almost every sport? I can go back to like the 60s, and I can tell you all the fucking champions. 66, the Orioles, 67, the Cardinals beat the fucking Red Sox. 68, the Tigers won, and then they were having that fucking thing while those riots, and then the subsequent white flight that happened in that city's never recovered. 69, the Amazing Mets, 70, the Orioles, 71, I think was the Pirates, and then Clemente died, or did he die in 72? 72, 73, 74 was the A's, 75, 76 was the Reds, 77, 78 was the Yankees,

79 was We Are Family, the Pirates, 80 Phillies, 81 was the fucking Dodgers. Tommy John was on the fucking Dodgers that lost to the Yankees in 77, 78, 81. He turned codes, he goes to the fucking Yankees, and what happens? The Dodgers win, and that's why that surgery is named after him. 82 was the Cardinals, and they beat the Brewers. 83 was the Orioles, 84 was the Tigers, 85 was the Royals. It should have been the fucking Cardinals if they didn't implode after that awful call at first base. 86 was the Mets, Red Sox fans know that.

87 was the Twins, 88 was fucking Kirk Gibson, the Dodgers. I can just keep going, people. I can fucking go all fucking day long. I don't know what you're thinking, you probably think I have it right in front of me. Well, that's just a compliment. 89 was the Aids, the Roy brothers. One at then, 90 was the Reds. 91, of course, was the Twins, 92, 93. That was your fucking Blue Jays. And then 94, that's a great trivia year. That was the strike here. And if you listen to fucking Pedro Martinez, he'll sit there and tell you,

you know what, the fucking Expos were going to win that year. Why you ask? Because they had a young him and Randy Johnson. I think Tim Reigns was still there. They had a whole fucking great team there. 95 was the Braves, 96 was the Yankees, 97 was the Marlins. They beat Jay Lawhead's Indians. 98, 99, 2000 was the fucking Yankees. This is when he starts getting sketchy for me. 2001 was the Diamondbacks, 2002 I think was the Angels. 2003 was the Marlins.

2004 was the Red Sox, 2005 was the White Sox, 2006 was the fucking Cardinals. Was it? 2007 was the Red Sox, 2008 was the Phillies, 2009 was the Yankees, 2010 was the Giants. Then I don't fucking know. 2011, alright, 2013 was us. The Giants won another one in there, didn't they? We'll say 2012. And then I'll say 2011 was the Cardinals. Oh my God, if you don't like sports, you're in trouble now. Well, let's go do football. I can do it.

I can do hockey if you want. I can go all the way back to about 1966, I believe. Alright, Canadians, Maple Leafs, Canadians, Canadians, Bruins, Canadians, Bruins, Canadians, Flyers, Flyers, Canadians, Canadians, Canadians, Canadians, Islanders, Islanders, Islanders, Islanders, fucking Edmonton, Edmonton, Canadians, Edmonton, Edmonton, Calgary, Edmonton, 91, 92, was that Pittsburgh? 93 was fucking Montreal, 94 was the Rangers, 95 was the Devils, 96 was the Avalanche,

97, 98 was the fucking Red Wings, 99 was the Dallas Stars. Why are you guys listening to this? 2000 was the fucking Avalanche? No, it was the Devils. 2001 Rapewalk, Avalanche, 2002 fucking Devils, 2003, the fucking Red Wings, maybe? Lightning, Strike, Ducks, Hurricanes? Alright, sorry, I'm back. Let's read this thing here. I also grew up an Orioles fan, too. That was fucking ADD textbook right there. I love the Orioles and I love Major League Baseball, but why can't I get into the baseball season?

It has nothing to do with my team. Oh, I read that wrong, but why can't I get into the baseball season? It has nothing to do with my team. I was happy for the socks, but it's just hard to get excited about the sport and I desperately want to. Is there a greater reason I'm missing? Well, I mean, it kind of sucks that there's no salary cap and that, you know, the Red Sox can afford to spend a buck 80 a year and the fucking Yankees spend like 220 a year.

I mean, essentially between the two of them, I mean, one of us is going to win the fucking division probably 80% of the time. I mean, if you go back to 1996, the first time the Yankees won the division. Alright, and that wasn't because they spent money. That was because George Steinbrenner got suspended and he wasn't allowed to fucking medal. And I swear to God, he wouldn't have traded away Jeter. Definitely would have traded away Bernie Williams, probably Jorge Posada, and I bet even Mariano Rivera, just because nobody knew he hadn't developed that cut fastball yet.

No, he'd probably keep like two of them. Pick two of them. He'd definitely get rid of Andy Pettit. He fucking was up that guy's ass even when he was crushing it. But anyways, I don't know, somewhere around 98-99, it's just become like ridiculously all about money. And I would say from there on, if the Red Sox didn't win it, the Yankees won it. Did maybe Tampa Bay win it one year? I can tell you right now, the Orioles haven't fucking won it since, I don't know when. The 80s, maybe? Early 90s? I have no fucking idea.

I would say that that's kind of what makes it suck. I don't understand why all leagues aren't run like NFL football, where Green Bay, Wisconsin, can compete with New York City. It's great. It's a great thing. So I would say that maybe that's why you can't get into the regular seasons because a lot of times by June, what's the fucking point? And the great thing about the Orioles, I mean you guys had that great tradition there. You know, winning three World Series, essentially in my lifetime, I was born in 68, so I don't remember 66 or 70, but I remember 83. I just remember you had all those great pitches when I was growing up. Frank Tanana, Jim Palmer. Ah fuck, there was another one. You guys always had like three number ones in your starting rotation.

You guys were brutal. Eddie Murray at first base, fucking... I can't remember the other names. Who the fuck knows? But it was great. It was great to watch. The catcher was hilarious. Why do I think it's Doug Desense? Wasn't any play third base for the fucking Angels? That's probably why you can't get into it. You probably can't get into it because it's not a level playing field. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry. Just sort of fucking spaced halfway through that. Alright, childhood crushes. Billy Suave. When you were growing up in the late 70s, what celebrity ass would you have banged if you had the choice?

Well, I mean I was fucking like six years old, so was I supposed to take out my little schmechel, as the Jewish people say? I don't know what I would have done with it. A Charlie's Angel or perhaps Stevie Nicks. Who were you into and was there someone that everyone was into that you couldn't understand why? Oh man, I fucking, I loved everybody. I loved all three Charlie's Angels. I probably liked Farrah Fawcett. She's the one I wanted to bang. Kate Jackson was the one I wanted to marry. And I liked Kate Jackson when she was on the rookies. I mean she was a fucking nurse. She was married to Mike Danko. What a fucking name, huh? Mike Danko. She had that great voice. Ah man, she was beautiful. And you know, Jacqueline Smith, come on.

Jacqueline Smith, she had the same haircut as Farrah Fawcett except it was a brunette. I've always liked brunettes. So I liked all of them. And then I liked Christie McNichol, much to her chagrin. Who else? I fucking liked them all. I'm trying to think of another show I used to watch. I liked Marsha Brady. You know, when she got a little bit older and was wearing those fucking miniskirts. Even Jan had a couple episodes. She hoarded up pretty good for a young me. I liked that. Joni from Happy Days when she got older, you know, was taking a few from Scott Bale. I liked her then. Let's see, Welcome Back Carter. That was a bunch of dudes. Except for his wife. I wasn't into her though. What else? Boom, bap-a-dump, bap-a-dump. What else did I used to watch? Welcome Back.

This is when you know you watched it a lot, when you could actually sing the second verse. Alright, I only could sing the first fucking line. Was that it? I think that was it. I had a very sheltered childhood. There was only like three channels. I wasn't a big radio guy. I was too fucking young. Like, the only reason why I knew about Kiss was a couple of my friends had older brothers. And one of my friends was really good at drawing and he would draw, you know, all the Kiss characters. And I had no fucking idea. My parents didn't take me to see Star Wars. I had no fucking idea. So I had no crush on Princess Leia. I remember that shit. That shit came out over the summer and I didn't even hear about it. I went outside and I played baseball every fucking day. I only went down to the pool and I went swimming.

No, we weren't even members of the pool at that point. They had like a community pool slash piss tank that we were members of. Yeah, I just went outside and I played every day. Go outside and play. We rode bikes, played baseball. We did what kids did back then and that's why we weren't fat kids. We fucking went outside. Well, there you go. I would say, yeah, the Charlie's Angels. I wasn't into the Bionic Woman. I didn't get into her. God damn it. I thought there was way more than that. I know there was. I just can't remember anymore. But was there anybody who everybody was into and I couldn't understand it? No. No, I could. I thought they were all fucking beautiful. I really did. Fucking women in the late 70s. They were fucking girls. Cheryl Teague's. I don't fucking remember. They were all gorgeous. I remember every magazine cover. There was a woman on the cover.

I was a little kid. You had a crush on her. Childhood crushes, right? I just read that one. Instruments. Bill, I'm 14 years old. I suspect I'm one of your younger listeners. I'm going to learn how to play a new instrument this year. I already play piano and love the progressive nature of drums, but I also want to be able to shred a solo. Any suggestions to which would be better to start. Definitely stick with piano. There are more fucking pianos sitting around than anything else. So your whole life, if you can just sit down and just start playing a piano, women will come over to your piano like flies to a moth to a light. That's a great one to learn how to play. Even Tommy Lee said I wish I stuck with it. You got to stick with the piano. Obviously prejudice to drums. Drums are the shit.

But if you shred a solo, I don't know. You know what? Maybe guitar. Guitar and drums are great. Those are both badass instruments. And piano, like I said, is very a social thing. Your whole life, you'll be able to sit down, attract women. And then when you become married and you become a father, you can sit around playing the, you know, oh, you know, dad's here and dad's here and prance here. Oh, Mike, he's playing the piano. Gather round, children. Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. You know, you can do your own little jazzy version, but do you recall? Yeah, but either way, good on you for learning an instrument, you know, and not becoming a DJ, even though that's now acknowledged as an instrument. You want to be able to actually fucking do it. I don't give a fuck. Those DJs are amazing that they can take little sounds and make it into a song, but at the end of the fucking day, you know, they're cutting and splicing. They're more like editing an album while creating it at the same time, which I'm not going to lie to you. It's very impressive.

All right, but there's nothing cooler than actually being able to play the sounds that those mousehead people are fucking sticking together. Wouldn't you agree? Yeah, drums are cool as shit. I don't know what to tell you, but you already play piano, man. So you got that ear. Yeah, guitar. I would try, I would try them out, but don't give up playing the piano, man. That's a great one. It's a great one to play unless you're in a heavy metal band and they're all fucking rocking out and you're sitting there with the keyboard. That's a tough one. That was always a tough one. There's always a tough one to try to fucking headbang when you're behind a behind a fucking keyboard. Oh, we're halfway there. Right. Those guys and journey. I'd actually like to learn how to play the piano, you know, but I just have too much sympathy for my wife. I wouldn't do it.

Hey, let me tell you, I can play drums with the piano. I'll tell you that's a little rough. Boyfriend cheated. Oh, wait, before we get into this, let me, let me read the last advertisement here for the week. Evoise, everybody, you are a business owner, but automated phone systems and secretaries aren't in your budget just yet. And juggling incoming calls yourself makes it hard to look like a professional. Here's something that will dramatically help you help you and make more. What? Here's something that will dramatically help you make more money in 2014. Evoise, whether you're a business of one or 100, Evoise will help you manage all of your incoming calls with a toll free number. Dial by name directory and call routing tools. Your business will sound like a million bucks.

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I realize another reason why I suck so bad at fucking reading is because my mind goes to other places. I'm really understanding how my fucking brain works. I literally got halfway through reading that and I started thinking, what pictures am I going to post this week for my Canadian tour? Tour, tour, tour. Okay, boyfriend cheated. Bill, I'm a 25 year old girl. You are a woman, lady. Alright? Don't sell yourself short. You're a woman. I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. The truth is I'm sad, but at the same time, I get that we're not meant to be together forever.

Can you please suggest a fun way for me to break up with him? Just in a way that makes him feel like he did something wrong, but also feel like less of a man if that's possible. Love to you and the... Alright, well, first of all, you know, you don't seem too broken up about it. You're 25 years old, alright? You're in the prime of your life, and you're like, well, we're not going to be together anyway, so this guy broke up. How can you break up with him? Ah, Jesus. You know what? Women are way better at this than I am.

Okay, break up in a way that makes him feel like he did something wrong. Well, I mean, you could just say it. I'm breaking up with you because you cheated on me, you piece of shit, but also make him feel like less of a man. Alright, well, you know what? I'm going to put that on you, but don't go the usual hacky ways that women go where they usually say, you didn't satisfy me in bed, you have a little dick, you know? And don't go out and go fuck one of his friends, because eventually you regret that. That's just another notch on your fucking bed post, unless you really want to bang one of them.

That's a really brutal thing to do. That fucking breaks up their friendship and you don't give a shit, right? I don't know what to tell you. What could you do? Alright, let's see. If someone did that to me, makes you feel like you did something wrong, what would make me feel like less of a man? Why don't you just break up with them and then I guess you got to go the hacky route and just say, oh, by the way, and then just point at his dick and just start laughing hysterically? I don't know. Maybe you'll come off as a psycho that way. Why don't you get him a cake?

Oh, Jesus. Oh, man, I almost don't want to even tell you to fucking do this. This is brutal. I get it. Is his birthday coming up? If his birthday is coming up, you take him out to a restaurant and you have him bring a cake over, or maybe you have your friends do it, because I don't think the restaurant will do it. And he thinks it's a birthday cake, alright? And it says in frosting, you cheated on me, you piece of shit, okay? And then you have your friends if they can sing and they'll just sing the happy birthday song with new lyrics. Why did you cheat on me, you douche?

Why did you cheat on me, you douche? Why did you cheat on me, you douchebag? Why did you cheat on me, cunt? And he's got a big fucking candle shape like a dick. Maybe funny if it's more of a limp dick. I don't know. Maybe something like that. Hey, look, I tried. What do you want from me? Okay. Let me tell you, that's kind of rough. Anyways.

Ah, fuck. Alright, so tonight, I want to thank, first of all, I want to thank everybody who's been coming out to my shows. This tour has been, I know I sound kind of crabby and tired today, but I'm having a great time. And there's a public rink down the street, and I want to go skate around and get the fucking blood going before I drive out to London, Ontario tonight. I got Montreal next, and then I got my day off where we're going to the Canadians and Bruins game. And then that's the end of the East Coast swing. And then we start our West Coast swing, which will be Winnipeg, Edmonton, Calgary, fucking Vancouver, and then that little peninsula out there, whatever the fuck it's called. I don't know. Whatever.

Dude, I am fucking out of it. I'm going to go skating, and then I'm going to take a nap, and I'm going to fucking kill it tonight in London. That is the game plan. I just threw my hat down. Do you hear that? I threw it down, getting myself psyched up for the show tonight. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you to everybody who's come out to my shows up here. I've got to tell you, man, don't sleep on Canada and come up here during the wintertime. It's fucking great. It's actually a great way to learn how to enjoy the winter and come to Canada in the winter. I actually talked to somebody, and I was saying, I always wanted to fucking build a rink in my backyard for my kids that I don't have.

This guy was like, oh yeah, I did it. They all have these different techniques on how to make the ice perfect. They build these little ass fucking rinks for their kids, and then tear them down and reassemble them every fucking year. They're amazing people, man. Really fun people up here, and great goddamn food. The only thing that I'm going to bitch about is in Toronto, we're sitting there, we bought these Cuban cigars, and there's no fucking place to smoke them. We're standing on a heat lamp like assholes, freezing our asses off, trying to smoke these cigars. Man, there's not one cigar bar in all of Toronto. And something sad I noticed happened up here. I finally went to the El Macambo last night because I wanted to have a drink because that's where Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble had this great live DVD that they did.

And I always wanted to go into it. It's a great dive. All these people have played there fucking, you know. The Rolling Stones did a show there in like 1977. It's a really famous place. And I went over there and it's closed. It's actually for sale. And people are kind of holding their breath, hoping that someone is going to buy it and refurbish it and keep the legend going. And I took a picture of it with a melancholy look on my face last night and I wish I had a chance to go in there. But I'm hoping that someone's going to buy it and keep it going because that was on my bucket list and I fucking blew it. Last time I was here, I could have gone in there and I just got too fucking busy and I blew it. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you next week.

I'll let you know about the rest of the tour and the upcoming possibly Joe Barton, Jason Laughhead, Paul Hosey. It's just a rule for what I bring it up.