Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-12-20

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

Bill rambles about panic, cancellations, and healthy conspiracies.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. How are you doing? What's going on? How are you? And I'm just checking in on you. How you doing? Are you feeling good? Do you got a sore throat? Are you worried about your Nana? Corona. Everybody's freaking out. It's great. I love it. I have never enjoyed people freaking the fuck out more than I have with this Corona virus. This boy band level of freaking out. Oh my God. It's so, it's so, he's so cute. Everybody acting like a bunch of fucking teenage chicks freaking out about the latest boy band. Oh, Corona virus. It's going to kill you. Just take some vitamin C, get fucking eight hours

sleep, wash your fucking hands. And even if you get it, you're going to ride it out. You never saw these videos of these guys getting bit by rattlesnakes and they just fucking sitting there biting down on a stick for a few days hallucinating. They get through that. I think you'll be fine. However, please keep freaking out. It's the right thing to do. Freaking out is the right thing to do. Don't don't trust your neighbor. Wash your fucking hands, huddle your kids, keep them the fuck away from other fucking people, right? That's what you want to fucking do. Okay. And I love all these fucking assholes. Everybody's overreacting. This is fucking me. This is completely blown out of proportion. This is what I say

to all those people. And what medical degree do you have? And how many times have you been in a position of power where it was up to you to handle a pandemic? Then shut the fuck up. I don't think anybody's overreacting to be honest with you. I don't. I like people that are overreacting. There's a lot of people overreacting, but they're dumb. You know what I mean? Like here's one for you. Okay, these fucking college kids freaking out about how they can't go back to their dormitories, right? So my first thought was, what kind of a fucking idiot wants to go to school? I don't want to go to school. You know, I guess if you're the quarterback and you're banging all these hot chicks, you're like, well, what the fuck?

It's my nightclub. How come I can't go back? I throw the fucking thing through the air and somebody catches it and all these broads want to suck my dick. And I understand those people not want to go back. I understand people who, you know, maybe you got nowhere to go. I got nowhere else to go, right? You're fucking you're from another country. You know, your parents never loved you. They couldn't wait, you know, they didn't marry for love. They just they had a lustful moment. You were born. They were waiting till you were 18 so they could fucking break up and send you off to school. And you got nowhere to go. I understand that. But the rest of them, I don't fucking understand, right? And then my mouth, my mouth

breathing friends are like, yeah, dude, I wouldn't go to school. You know, I'd be fucking staying home fucking playing cards with all my friends. See right there. That's the leak in the balloon right there is how dumb the average fucking person is. Okay, they're going to tell you not to go to school because there's a virus out there. And then what is your dumb ass do like self quarantine is that it's just it's not going to fucking work. People are too fucking stupid. They're too fucking selfish to even fucking understand. I'm not going to stay in my household. Do you know, I saw this fucking idiot, right? I'm going to fucking interact with my neighbors. That's Gail. I can't not answer the door if it's Gail, right? You got

all of those fucking people. All right. And then you got this fucking idiot. All right, I saw this guy was on fucking Twitter. So you know, it's true. This guy goes, I'm an American in Italy. They've shut down the whole country. It's a nightmare. What kind of a fucking moron are you that you're an Italy and they've shut down the whole country and you can't go outside and you think it's a fucking nightmare? How selfish are you? Oh, I can't go on the gondolas. You know, with some guy go and the mood it's your eye like a big pizza pie. I got on a striped shirt. Anybody can go to Italy and eat fucking spaghetti. Anybody can go there and take the dumb ass to fucking long tour of the Roman Coliseum. Oh, is this where

the lions were? I went to the Roman Coliseum. I walked around it myself. Gonna fucking sit there with goddamn headsets on as you explain every fucking piece of rubble in there. I don't give a shit. I know what happened here. All right. This is the first sports arena. They were too dumb to just play baseball, football, basketball, hockey. So they fucking threw people the line. So that's all I need to know. I understand. All right. Yeah, people guys walked around in mini skirts and they fucking threw people the lines. Okay, great. Great. Do I need you to tell me everybody's fucking name? And then after Caesar, King Luigi, the 19th. Oh my God, fucking kill me. Please. Somebody breathe on me. Or you could be in

Italy. All right. When the entire country is shut down and you get to peek out your fucking window, look down the street and see what it would be like if you were the last man on earth. And then you come back to the States with that story. And I want you to meet one fucking person that went to Italy that can top your story. Everybody's going to go there and get some fucking octopus or some fucking pizza. Everybody's going to get on the fucking gondola, the Roman Coliseum. Oh, oh, oh, the leaning tower of Pisa. Do you know you can't go up in it anymore? Right? Everybody's going to fucking do that. But who can actually fucking sit in there? In their fucking hotel room for their entire fucking vacation, petrified, wondering if they're ever

going to be allowed back into their own country. All right. Now that, that is a vacation for the fucking ages. That is not a nightmare. That is a unique experience. All right. But the problem with the human brain is the human brain as a 99% tendency to want to do what everybody else is doing. I want to do it. Everybody else is doing it. I'm in the herd. So now I feel safe. God for fucking bid. You go to Italy and you get a unique experience. I mean, that's right. Being shut in in Italy and not being able to leave your room and going out and eating that wonderful food that you can smell is right up there with like if you went to Sicily and you were eating a slice of pizza and you happen to see a mob hit. You know, but you know those,

you know, you don't want to be around something like that. See somebody's brains get blown out, you know, you don't want that on your fucking hard drive. Blood splatter and now you're part of the crime scene and they're fucking putting yellow tape around you and you're like, I have a flight to catch. They don't give a shit, right? You don't want any part of that. But sitting in that fucking room. Do you fucking believe that? I mean, how long are they going to keep those people in there? Five, six weeks. I don't know. I'm usually anti-authority. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to go with the government on this one, how they're handling this, okay? Because this is how I look at the government, all right? The government wants you to stay alive

because if you die, they can't exploit you anymore. So they don't want a bunch of people that they're making money off of to die. We're all assets to them. All right? As dumb as a person can fucking be, they're still taking part of your paycheck, right? They can still put boots on you and send you somewhere to stand in the way of some shit that should be hitting them, right? So they don't want you to die. So I feel if they think that these precautions that they're taking is necessary, then I'm all for it. The NBA is canceling their fucking season. I think that's great. Maybe during this time off, they can figure out how they sold their souls to the super team. You know, maybe they can figure out when their product got so fucking boring that they had to fucking play

music while it was happening. That anytime there was a timeout, 50 people had to come out on the court and fucking start tumbling and jumping on trampolines and dressed like gorillas and dunk basketball, like whatever, mascots, whatever the fuck is going on at an NBA game. You know, maybe they can figure out how Instagram made every fucking big man in the NBA afraid to go up and challenge a dunk. Running out of frame is the guy comes down the lane and then all these young people, they put up highlight films like what they just saw was fucking incredible. There's no defense. I'll tell you, it was never going to get to fucking coronavirus playing basketball with another NBA player is James Harden.

If you ever seen that guy attempt to play defense, that guy, I bet that guy hasn't had a cold in years. Jesus Christ. I understand his game though. He's like, my man's going to fucking score 50, but I'm going to score 52. That's how that guy plays basketball. Anyways, but of course, the NHL hockey is not canceled. NHL hockey is not canceled because fighting is legal in the sport. So they're not afraid of a bad cold. How about those Bruins? They beat the fucking Flyers. I missed the game. I got to fucking go back and watch the damn thing. And I finally figured out why there was no MotoGP race at the top level. They had MotoGP three and two. I watched MotoGP two.

It was also because of the coronavirus. Now, I understand in the Middle East why they're not fucking doing it. You know, they have like their leaders over there are getting the coronavirus, and that only means one thing. The leaders in the Middle East, they're out there walking amongst the people. They're not in the pulp mobile. They're not in a house painted white that is aptly named the White House. Everything how dumb it is that it's called the White House. The president lives in the White House. It's a house that's white. Therefore, the name is the White House. Do you realize where you'd be in the world if all throughout your academic, your scholastic career, if questions like that? I mean, if the questions of the universe were that simple.

Where does the president live? The president lives in the White House. Why is it called the White House? Because it's a house and it is painted white. Johnny is showing incredible skills in class. We really feel that he's going to ascend to the top of a corporation. Okay, for all my Flat Earthers out there, please, please, please continue sending me shit. This is the most fascinating. I love watching these Flat Earth videos because it lets me know what I sounded like 10 years ago when I used to try to convince people of my conspiracy theories, which I still think I'm right about. Nothing that I have watched has even remotely convinced me that there is a conspiracy to say that the world is round

so that NASA can get a bunch of money to go to space. All right, whether the Earth is round or flat, eventually we would want to go to space because that's how we are. All right, because most men do not know how to talk to women. So what they have to try to do is top one or another professionally. So if somebody flies at 30,000 feet, someone's going to fly at 31,000 feet. All right, until they get all the way up there, whether it's fucking round or flat, they would still go out to space. All right, and then I also love that because NASA wants to make money and fuck taxpayers out of money, that they fake all these videos, and then the rest of the world goes along with it.

Countries with no space programs, countries that are not allies with us, countries that could easily come out and debunk the whole thing and say not only is the United States of America polluting the Earth at an alarming rate, they are also lying to their citizens that the world is actually round simply so they can fuck them out of money. I mean, do you realize the amount of money that you have to spend? I can't even, it's the dumbest fucking theory. And then the fact that you're listening to some fucking idiot who's not even a scientist telling you all of this shit. I don't, maybe he is a scientist. I don't fucking know, but it's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life is far at, and I'm not saying it's round,

I'm not saying it's flat, but the motivation is the stupidest fucking thing. I bet you don't need to tell people that the world is round so you can get money to go to outer space. You don't. Even if it was flat, they would have been like, we're going to be the people that are going to colonize the underside of the flat earth. There's gravity on that side too, there's a whole other side that we're not using. And then they would just do that. Or do flat earthers, do you believe that the gravity is only on top? That if you dug far enough, would you fall through the bottom of the earth? And then you would be space traveling. And then would people throw a bunch of fucking money at you

like you were a goddamn afternoon stripper? You know, listen, you guys might be right. Maybe the earth is flat. I get it now where they have it like it's a giant like pool, a big round pool, and you just sort of swim around the edges of it. And that's how you go from fucking, you know, I guess LA around the world, around the pool, back to New York City. I don't know, but I can't get enough of it. I love it. Please keep sending it to you. I want you guys to convince me that the earth is flat. And this is the thing. Let's say it is. None of your stupid fucking theories as to why they would waste all of this money that they're fucking us out of. How does the whole world get on on board with this?

We got to help out America that we don't like so that there's space program. Are we given a cut of the money for the space program? Isn't the space program kind of dead? You know, like the underwater cities that we were going at the bottom line is you can't fucking breathe. The real estate is it's not worth any money, is it? I don't know. And I hope I sound just as dumb to you as you sound to me. I fucking I love it. You know, you know, listening to people talk about why the earth is flat really makes me miss drinking and the conversations I would get into at the bar and how convinced people were. That time that fucking guy told me that missing airplane was because it hit a Himalayan goose

and the goose went through the windshield of a 737, killed the pilot and then ricocheted off like the magic bullet in the JFK assassination, knocked out the copilot and that's how it crashed. And this person, I swear to God, is serious as a heart attack presented that thing to me, unless he was the greatest actor of all time. I have no idea. That is probably what I miss about drinking the most other than the delicious taste of alcohol is the fucking people that I met in the bar. And you know what? I'm not looking down on those people, the Himalayan goose guy, because I was that guy. I was that guy. One of my favorite times I was in a bar and I was with an economic major and I tried to tell him that the Federal Reserve was not federal, that it was a

private corporation and this fucking person lost their mind. No, it wasn't. No, it isn't. And they all laughed at me and thought I was a dumb fuck and I still think I'm right about that. But you know something? I have no way of proving it because I don't know. I wouldn't even know where to look because I too went on YouTube and watched a bunch of videos. I don't know what's going on. I have no fucking idea. I do know. The only thing I know what's going on is shit that I actually experienced. And what I experienced on Tuesday night at the Dean Delray 40th anniversary tribute of the passing of Bond Scott was one of the great nights I've had in entertainment, man. Dean Delray has never sounded better singing. He absolutely fucking murdered

all of those Bond Scott songs. And then they threw in a couple of classics. They played Overdose. They played Soul Stripper. AC DC never even played that live. It was fucking amazing. And then the level of musicians that I saw that night, just how well everybody was fucking playing and all the drummers I got to see. Who'd you get to see, Bill? Oh, you know, guys like Steve Gorman, Brad Will, Dave Lombardo was fucking amazing. And even old freckles went up there for a couple of songs. Probably the best I've played when I've actually had to go out and play live. Not saying I didn't still fucking have a couple of train wrecks on some fills, but I got back in there. I had a great, great, great fucking time. The band sounded unbelievable.

And there's this guy, Phil, I forget his last name, an Italian. He has this YouTube channel called Solo Dallas. And I used to fucking go on there and he would break down when I was playing guitar. I actually was getting pretty decent at rhythm guitar. And he broke down every fucking AC DC song, and he broke it down right. You know, there's so much shit out there that's just fucking wrong. It'll give you the basic course. This guy had it down. Like Angus is they both playing the same rhythm, but Malcolm is up here playing the fucking rhythm and Angus is down here. That's how they get that sound. He could break every fucking note of every goddamn solo down. It was an amazing channel, then YouTube, of course, copyrighted and bullshit,

and shut that shit down. But did that stop Solo Dallas? No, it did not. He was so into AC DC that he literally built, I don't know, he started a company, he built amps that sounded exactly like the AC DC amps that you can't fucking buy anymore. And then AC DC wore out their amps through decades of melting people's faces with their music. And guess what they did? They went to this guy, Phil Solo Dallas, and now they use his equipment. He was there, and he played on Let There Be Rock, and he played the entire fucking song note for note. It was fucking unbelievable. It sounded like the record. It was unreal. It was on, and Dave Lombardo just shooting the shit, and then he goes out there and plays like,

he played on Let There Be Rock, like some of the fastest fucking songs. And I was actually standing talking to Steve Gorman going, isn't that fucking unreal that he doesn't even warm up, he just walks on and can play at that tempo. And Steve just laughed, he goes, this is like a fucking ballad for this guy. And then I finally got to see Brad Will play live on Dirty Deeds. That was amazing. It's just the whole fucking thing was just, it was awesome. It was awesome. I had some friends come out that absolutely love fucking AC DC. And everybody was just like, I can't fucking believe how good that was. My favorite thing. Juliet Lewis playing, singing the fucking Dirty Deeds, who's one of the best actresses out there,

actors, whatever the fuck he's supposed to say. And the reality is, that's actually her hobby, I think. If you actually watch her sing with the band, she's actually really a rock star, who kind of moonlights as an actor. Anyways, it was a fucking incredible night. It was just a fucking incredible night. And there's rumor that that's the last time Dean's going to do it. I hope that's not fucking true. But it was fucking amazing. And I gotta tell you, if you play drums, if you like me and for 20 years you played inside by yourself, you're really missing out on, if you ever get to play out live with drums that are mic'd up, it's just fucking unbelievable. It's such a different experience. It's so much

fucking fun in another life, in another life. I don't even care where I would have got in it. I would have done that. That's how much fucking fun it is. But granted, I'm also just dropping in for one night to do my hobby live in front of people where, you know, there's all that other shit with being a professional musician, having to ride in fans with three, four, five other fucking people, deal with everybody's fucking personality, get fucked over by the music business, have a hit, and then have to play that song for the rest of your fucking life. I understand this is the other side of it. But as far as where I'm from, old dad band here, it's pretty fucking awesome. Um, anyways, let me read a little, uh, advertising here. What do we got here? Oh,

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Now, why would you say entire home if comprehensive means complete, including all or nearly all elements and aspects of something? You get comprehensive protection for your home. You get comprehensive protection for your entire home. They put entire in there for all the fucking idiots like me. You didn't know what comprehensive meant. I don't know what comprehensive meant means, but you get it for your entire home, not just half of it. Outdoor cameras and doorbells alert you. Well, that's where doorbells are. They are outside. Why would a doorbell be inside? That's like one of those horror movies where the guy calls you up and you find out he's calling you from inside your house.

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get free shipping and a 60 day risk free trial. You got nothing to lose. Go now and be sure you go to simply safe.com slash bird at simply safe.com slash burr. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas along with all NS novelties. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. All right, there you go. Hey, here's a couple of things I forgot to read the other day when I

was I was on with Dean Delray. All right, fan road trip. Hey Bill, greetings from Copenhagen. Oh my God, Copenhagen, Denmark. Lovely city. I did have one hell of a cunt for a cab driver. He trashed my country because you Americans are so stupid. I was like, oh yeah, if you're so smart, how come you're driving a fucking cab? I'm usually polite in that fucking country, but I felt good trash in that fucking cunt. All right, after a lot of conflict with my girlfriend, I managed to get a once in a lifetime trip to the US with my life buddies. Won't elaborate. I made it happen this April. Yeah, who the fuck is she? What if she wanted to go on a girl's trip to fucking Morocco? You're going to tell us she can't go? You don't trust me? Is that what you say? You think I'm

going to blow a camel? Is that where this relationship is? Right? But you want to go with your buddies? This is the thing, women know guys are dumb and we'll stick our PPs in anything that looks like a fucking hole. So she's probably right. We are all, we are, we are three guys, one pasty redhead as yourself, one white, privileged as it is nowadays, and a black Moses lookalike of a young at Isaac Hayes. Jesus Christ. This seems like this is, this is another Netflix series. All right. We are all fans and we were there at your show in Copenhagen. Oh, that's great. Thank you for coming out. It's a tradition to do a road trip once a year, but nowadays, and while things get serious with our girlfriends, we decided to go all in and do a 22 day trip to the States

before this fun part of life ends. That's smart. This is a movie. I know you never give recommendations, but as you toured these places, I need your top recommendations for the below five cities. It can be a bar slash place, titty bar, whatever. Why would you say titty bar? I didn't know you're going to say that. I wouldn't have read that. What if your girlfriend listens to this? How many fucking guys from three guys from fucking Denmark from Copenhagen that are going to the United States include a redhead, a white dude, and a black Moses lookalike of a young Isaac Hayes? All right. That's your fault for fucking doing that. All right. Note that our drink tolerance is very high. All right. LA, where would you go to in LA? Oh God, I'm a married guy in LA. I don't,

I don't know what to tell you. I don't booze anymore. What's a good bar? Think, think about what you're trying to do to me. Well, think, all right, let's go to New Orleans. The governor's palace dose dose heffa's is a great place to just fucking smoke a cigar and have a drink, listen to some local music. Oh, and there's a fucking place, you know, there's a place they try to tell you, you know, there's been yay donuts. There's the place that everybody goes to and then there's another place right down the fucking street that nobody goes to what the fuck is this the word I'm not going to remember. Las Vegas, where would you go to in Las Vegas? Tijuana. Oh my God. No, I don't know. I'm sorry. Wait, I can do LA.

All right. Where would I go to in LA? I don't know. Go to Bill's Burgers and Sherman Oaks. I like that place. There's a place the corner cottage in Burbank as a great breakfast burrito. Where the fuck would you go to drink? Come on. There was a place I used to like was called the Seven Grand. It was a it's a whiskey bar. You know, I went there on New Year's Eve and there was nobody there. It was brand new. And then I came back like six months later and I could smell puke in the fucking lobby. And I went upstairs and was packed. But I think, you know, the fucking at this point is probably leveled off. But I really enjoyed that place. If you want to get a cigar, I like Hollywood smoke. There's a place Cuban seed that's tremendous. There's a place

V cut. I like all of those places. Come on, Bill. Oh, there's a place Howard's Famous Burgers. The fries are okay, but the burgers fucking great. There's another place has a good brunch downtown LA is called the Little Easy. It's a New Orleans based place instead of the Big Easy, because it's not in the Big Easy. It's in LA. They call it the Little Easy. And then if you want to go on a hike, I go to the fucking Griffith Park or fucking Runyon Canyon. What else? Oh, this sucks. This is like when somebody asks you, you know, remember back in the day when you had to go to a music store to buy music? Yeah, during the week, you were thinking all of this shit you wanted to buy, then you go in there and you couldn't fucking remember. I'm

sorry. That's like the most I can remember. As far as bars, I mean booze is booze. If you want to go to legendary places, the frolic room, Hollywood Boulevard. What was that other one I used to go to? It was one on Argyle. I used to go to I like holes in the wall though. You know, I don't know. As far as titty bars, I have no fucking idea. I've met a titty bar in forever. I guess the famous one out here is Jumbo's Clown Room. But everybody always went there for the wrong fucking reasons. I actually, the last time I went there, I went there with my wife, my wife, because she wanted to go. She wanted to see what the fucking deal was. And we went in there. We actually saw a stripper quit on stage. So there you go. There's that. All right, overrated, underrated.

She quit because nobody was paying attention. There was barely anybody in there. And she was like, why should I keep dancing? And at one point, I don't know where she took her cell phone out from, but she was laying on her stomach checking her fucking email. And a waitress walked by, saw it, laughed and said, that's fucking awesome. All right, overrated, underrated, underrated, anthrax, the band. Oh yeah, they're fucking amazing. Overrated. I guess some people don't know that though, right? Overrated, unsolicited advice about how to dress. I work with a younger woman who always tells me what I should be wearing and tells me why I'm single based on things like this. Well, I'm going to go out on a limb and say she wants to fuck you, which is funny because she's

kind of fat. And I really want to tell her what she should be eating. Well, let me tell you, I think that that fucking thickie there wants to take a ride on your schmackle. How many hundred calorie bags of snack can someone eat before you tell them they're lying to themselves? Yeah, well, you know, what are you going to do? You know, she's trying to, I mean, listen, rather than take it negatively, why don't you just go there and take the sloppy fucking blowjob? Well, this is why. This is why you can't do that because then you have to go back to work. All right, then old fatty cakes think she like her now. And then what are you supposed to do? You know, you know what you do? You get her some sherry's berries.

Listen, a great way to go in life. It's took taking me half a century to figure this out is to not argue with people and to go with empathy. All right. She has she has an issue with food. All right, she's trying. But you haven't hear a fucking truck that's just like the fucking guy has left the thing in reverse for like fucking 10 minutes. They're obviously not backing up anymore. It's like the rest of the world doesn't need to know you're in reverse. Can you just stick it in fucking park until whatever's in the fucking way is out of the way and then put it in reverse, you cunt huh? You cement fucking truck driving cunt there. Um, yeah, it's probably her weird way of flirting with you. You know, I don't know. It's a very easy thing to shut off.

She tells you you're late that you're fucking dressed weird just lie and tell her you got laid last weekend. Well, I got laid wearing this exact fucking outfit. Huh? You want to smell my finger and then, you know, she'll fucking be turned off by you probably won't want to eat, you know, thinking of smelling a fucking two day old pussy on your finger, right? Then she'll lay off the hundred hundred calorie bags. There you go. I just saw two problems with one fucking sentence. Maybe it wasn't one sentence. Maybe the earth is flat. I don't fucking know, but please keep sending me those video people. There's nothing wrong with the conspiracy conspiracy theory is actually a healthy way of thinking of the world because you're at

least smart enough to realize that a lot of times people who are supposed to have your best interest in you don't. Okay. And I'm not talking about the government man. I'm talking about that person that you sleeping next to what's going on with them. Huh? No, I don't introduce that into your fucking personal life. All right. That is the podcast. All right. Stay safe, everybody. Take your vitamin C, wash your fucking hands. Okay. Stop touching your face. Listen to the government. I never say that, but yeah, if they tell you to fucking stay inside, not go to a fucking NBA game. Why don't you just do that for a couple of fucking weeks? You know, here's another thing, too. These fucking people will go, I can't take two weeks off from work. I'll be fucking destitute.

I have a lot of empathy for people who are fucking broke. All right. But if you are college educated, you're a wet and you're in your forties. Okay. If you can't take two weeks off and there's no major health issues or anything and you don't have 10 fucking kids. All right. If you're a wet and you're fucking have a college degree and you've been working for your entire adult life and you're in your forties and you can't take two weeks off without the whole thing falling apart, I'm going to go out on a limb and say, you fucking suck at money. You're not good with money. You need to take a money while you're quarantined. Why don't you learn and watch one of your 52 flat screen fucking TVs in your house that you didn't fucking need. Just sit down in your room of shit

and look where your money went and just really look at shit and be like, why I'm doing it right now. Why did I buy that? Why did I allow my wife to buy that easy? You're not allowed to hit them anymore. This has been the Monday, the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts. Enjoy the music picked out by the wonderful Andrew Thimulus, who by the way is a hell of a musician himself. If you've ever seen him play guitar, follow him on Instagram. He's got some music here and then we have a bonus episode of a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from, I don't know, a few years ago is usually how he does it. All right, God bless you. I hope you don't get a fever and all you guys who can't watch the NBA,

come on over to where I'm at. Watch the fucking NHL. Watch those Edmonton Oilers. Watch those fucking Colorado Avalanche. My Boston Bruins. Watch the St. Louis Blues. It's a lot of great hockey. The Flyers are a fun team to watch. A lot of fun. The Pittsburgh Penguins going to put it back together. Winnipeg Jets are fun to watch. There's a lot of fun team to watch. Come on over. Listen to a couple of national anthems. Not one you get an extra national anthem. When you watch a lot of the hockey, all right, go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. Okay, stay safe. God bless you and God's in place. Support the Turks. The Monday morning podcast for my fucking 12. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. Sorry,

I was just watching a lot of sports this weekend. And when you watch a lot of sports, you're going to hear that song over and over again. Oh my God, what is that song? Who wrote that? God, it's in my head. The Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 12, 2012. And just to give you a heads up, we're about a month and three days away before you have to give all those cunts your money, right? That's just going to go to the bank of cunts that nobody ever talks about. They don't talk about it, do they? They went after Roger Clements harder than they went after anybody at AIG. You realize that? Did you or did you not shoot steroids in your ass so you could throw the ball past that fucking guy? About the whole thing. You know, I know more about that than I,

you know, anybody else. How come I don't have any AIG banker cards? Why don't I have some of those? Then you can tell me which one of them were the fucking cheaters. So how'd you guys do it this year? Did you have the money taken out early so then you can get it back at the end of the year? Is that what you did? Dude, that's what I do. I have like all the taxes taken out and then in the end, I get money back because I'm too fucking irresponsible to take my money up front because I know I'm going to blow it, right? So what I do is I give the government an interest-free loan all year. That's my game plan in life. People, have zero exempts, okay? Or whatever the fuck it is. Have the least amount of taxes taken out, all right? Just don't blow all your money. At least

you can keep it in the fucking bank and they'll give you a couple extra fucking quarters for it. Why give an interest-free loan? I know why because you're young. You're young. You want to go out and get some pussy in a 12-pack. I hear you. Keystone Light Kid. This is the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, March 12th, 2012. I believe I said it a couple of times. I don't know why I feel like I have to keep reiterating. A lot of shit to talk about this week. You know, I was on vacation. I didn't do shit. I probably put on a nice five pounds. You know, had a great breakfast burrito yesterday out in Glendale, California. Had a phenomenal breakfast burrito, a place that I had been hearing about and I kept asking the lovely Nia to go. But you know, as life would have it,

we were always too busy, right? So she was doing a bunch of bullshit yesterday with her friends and by bullshit, I mean shooting a short film, not bullshit, but so, you know, she's shooting it here at the homestead. So, you know, I'm going to get the fuck out of here. So called up a buddy of mine. We went over there, you know, couple of twinkle toes getting a fucking burrito. Went over there. We had a great time. So on the way back, I come, you know, I dropped my buddy off or whatever. And I mentioned to Nia in between shots. I said, Hey, you know, I finally checked out that breakfast burrito place. It was fucking delicious. You got to go with the steak burrito. And she did the classic woman thing. You got one of those without me. I thought we were going to do that together.

We've been fucking planning it for six months. All right. Yes, I went over. I was hungry. I wanted one. I did. I did something fun without you. Yes, I did. All right. What? Cause I'm in a relationship. I'm only allowed to have fun when I'm with you. At some point, I have to break off. Right. Even the monkeys do that. You know, they hang out with the tribe and every once in a while, you go off in the bush, you have to rub one out. So what the chimps do. So anyways, what happened this week? Peyton Manning, Mark Sanchez. Right. That's what everybody's been talking about. I think, uh, I think everybody made the right move. You know, I think the Colts made the right move. What, what are they supposed to do? They're supposed to hang on to Peyton Manning, a 36 year

old guy. He's had four next operations. This is the second time his neck got fused. Do you think it's going to get better? Do you think that it keeps going up from here? And I know what you cold fans are saying, boy, he's going to get his 10 wins this year. You're right. He is and he's the shit. All right. But he's 36 fucking years old. All right. This is what sucks about sports and what's great about comedy. You know, what's great about comedy is I am seven years older than that fucking fused Frankenstein motherfucker, but I can continue to do stand up. He can't, I mean, he can't continue to do what he loves. Well, he can, but you know what I'm saying in a couple of years, he won't be able to. So what I'm saying is you got this Andrew Luck kid and I know he's

not going to be Peyton Manning. I'm not saying that. All right. But the Colts, just like the Patriots, at some point, your guy is going to retire and that is going to be a long 40 story fall and fucking you're going to splat on the ground. Or you can rip the bandaid off, get rid of the dude and maybe hit one of those little canopy things with an Andrew Luck before you fucking hit the sidewalk. All right. I think, I think they did the right thing. I think it took a lot of bulls. And I don't know, for an entire year, there wasn't a doctor on the planet that would clear Peyton to play. And then all of a sudden, right before he's due to sign this, this big $29 million thing, he finds two guys who go, guess what, I'm a okay. I think at that point,

the Colts had already made the decision and they were moving on. So I don't know. I think it was a ballsy move on their part. And I think in the short run, they'll look like more runs. But in the long run, I think it was a smart move because the Colts in 15, 20, 30 years are still going to be a franchise. And 15, 20, 30 fucking years Peyton Manning is going to be like 50, 60 years old. I can't do the math. 51, you know, what are you going to do? You got to choose the franchise. So and then the Mark Sanchez thing, I think was great. They signed the guy, it gives it gives Sanchez a boost like, Hey, these guys believe in me. But then they also got this backdoor thing,

where hey, if you suck after next, not this season, but next season, we can walk. And we don't know you're the other half of the contract. Hey, we gave it a shot. Go fuck yourself. So that's what I think that is my belief. And Paul Versey, Paul Versey thinks that the Colts are the dumbest fucks ever. And that Peyton Manning is going to throw for nine million yards, like he does every season for some other team and then lose in the first round of the playoffs. If I was Peyton Manning, I would try to go to the 49ers. That's where I would try to go, even though they're not court and I would I would be like, listen, give me a pay a play fucking contract. That's where I want to go. I want to be protected so we don't have protection

issues. And I want to fucking an awesome defense and a great fucking code that would be perfect. It'd be fucking perfect. But instead, where's he going to go? Where's he going to go? You think he's going to go back to Tennessee? I still got a lot of fringe down there, right? Go to the old Tennessee Titans. All right, who gives a fuck? I just realized halfway through that fucking whole thing, I was so goddamn sick talking about it. You know, so I apologize. Let's talk about the one thing that everybody showed me this whole fucking week was everybody's like, you got to check out this Coney 2012. It's about this dictator in Uganda who's, you know, got the boy soldiers over there and he's just all these war crimes and everything. So I go, All right, I got a bleeding heart. I'll

watch this shit. And I got to tell you something. I got about five minutes into that video and found the guy who made the documentary so fucking self serving and annoying. I had to shut it off. At that point, when the Ugandan kid is crying because he saw his brother get killed in front of him, I mean, it was on and then immediately he just cuts to now I'm going to sit down with my son and tell him it's like, what the fuck are you doing? The whole thing is supposed to be about these Ugandan kids. And this fucking guy starts the video off with his wife giving birth to his son. It takes you like three minutes before you even in Uganda. I'm sitting there like, I thought it was a documentary. He, you know what he did? He did something like that big fat flounder there.

What the fuck's his name? The guy there who tried to make Canada look like a utopia. Who's the guy there who never shaves and always has on a dirty ball cap because he's just like us. He's the working man. What's his name? Huh? Bowling for Columbine guy. He does the same thing where he inserts himself into the documentary and just makes him look like he's the fucking, you know, I don't know, the goddamn grand pooba who has the whole fucking world figured out this guy did the exact same thing and annoyed the shit out of me didn't change obviously how I feel about that warlord or any of the boy soldiers things but I mean it didn't teach me anything I didn't fucking already know. There was a rapper who came out who was actually a former boy soldier and I

read this whole thing about him and he was saying like all these gangster rappers who he'd sit here and brag about killing somebody he goes he goes that's not the way it is he goes if you take a life you don't brag he goes it haunts you it haunts you for the rest of your life something like that was just like wow I can't wait to hear this this guy rap and then he's stunk. It's fucking one of the big tragedies he had the actual stories he had the life experience he had the pain and he just he couldn't rap it was very unfortunate you know it's kind of like me I mean I'm an amazing guy I'm a good-looking guy and you know I just can't go to the beach so that's why when you go to the Jersey Shore there's all those morons out there because you know everybody gets a gift you know

and if you can tan one of the sacrifices is is you don't get a personality in life you know so then you go down on the beach and then that's all there is down there oh give me the fucking volleyball right that's all that's going on down there and meanwhile absolute saints like myself have to sit in the the basement or the bottom floor of a dilapidated house that needs a new fucking roof evidently I got I want to fucking I want to go down to Home Depot and I want to buy a hatchet and I want to chop down my fucking garage it's fucking goddamn thing it's made for a Model T okay and if you I don't know if you notice the old cars

I mean way old that kind of old is they were skinny you sat inside the fucking wheel wells like the tires you know you know what I mean you know what I mean by inside the wheel wells you know what I'm saying like you sat shoulder to shoulder hey let me tell you something see let's go down to the market and go get some flour right you'd be sitting shoulder to shoulder with another guy and both of you were probably what like five three to five six and weighed 140 pounds why I order right and you sat right next to each other and then the fenders flared out and the fucking wheels were wider that's what I'm saying the you sat like you know what the fuck I'm saying oh and by the way fuck all you guys who think I'm a moron because I don't understand

how planes fly all right we only figured out how to do it in the last hundred years so you're telling me everybody before that was a fucking idiot right the George Washington Carver who came up with peanut butter and realized tomatoes weren't poisonous you know he didn't fucking know how to get off the ground did he you're telling me Eli Whitney with the cotton gin I didn't see him flying around all right I have a very poor science background and I fucking really sat there and tried to understand the amount of shit that I I actually learned this week really sitting there trying to read up on how a plane stays up I mean I had to go back to like the fountain of youth of science like everything was just like well air pressure I'm like what is air pressure

I don't even understand I don't even get it you know and I actually watched some interesting experiments one where a guy held a flame underneath a coke can and he heated up the fucking air which caused it to expand right thus less air was taking up more space or some shit and then he dunked it in some cold water and then immediately the fucking can crushed and I had to watch that experiment three times to understand what the fuck was going on that basically he cooled off the air inside which caused a vacuum and before the air could rush into the can the pressure from the the fucking air on the outside crushed the can see that I didn't know that last week and you guys are awful fucking people you know and when you have dumb

kids someday that's how you're gonna handle them you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna say all those mean things that you said about me uh the me a fucking saint who comes on every week and does a free goddamn podcast that has nothing but positivity for all groups especially women you know you guys need to sit down and take a long fucking look at yourselves because I gotta tell you something right now I was really disappointed in a lot of you know I did the other day I was walking my dog right and we went around the corner about and I was so fucking tired you know I went to grab the headphones these shit headphones that I use when I do the podcast and they're already big enough all right and I already look stupid I look like a fucking you know

person who's trying to get attention but the reality is is I'm just too lazy to go to Best Buy I see it I'm driving by and it's like I know I need headphones I have the money to get headphones but just the thought of pulling into the parking lot trying to find a fucking parking spot getting behind that person who's waiting for that person who's you think's gonna leave and then isn't leaving going into the fucking store trying to fucking find it and having that douche in the blue shirt oh you want to get a flat screen no I don't I want some headphones oh I'm not in the headphones department man I don't know where that is um I didn't want to deal with it so anyways so I fucking uh came down here half asleep my dog's going crazy right wants to go outside

whenever it sees me get up it goes nuts because it knows what's gonna happen we're going on this fucking awesome hike so uh I ended up grabbing uh I grabbed these Vic Firth headphones which are for drumming which you can wear and they like block out the sound of you know how loud drums are and uh I gotta take a picture of them with with them on my head how fucking stupid I look and I was wondering why they seem so heavy I was half asleep walking down the street and then I saw my shadow on the ground they look like those you know those those old guys who go to baseball games and they have like the antenna and that keep and score they're like twice as big as those fucking things um and I look like an asshole and I know everybody driving by thought I was being

doing that hipster thing where I was like deliberately dressing like a douche just to get attention to be like oh no what what these are from 1974 what what year is this um I wasn't I was actually embarrassed and then I was gonna take them off and then I was like wait a minute that's even worse I was legitimate fuck up and now you're gonna take them off because you're worried what people are doing as they drive by you you know because they're gonna make a comment as they drive by bill and then what after they drive by you they get on with their fucking lives what is wrong with you so I left them on and that's that story oh it's been a slow week when you're on vacation he doesn't have anything to talk about um all right let's get to uh let's get some advertising

for this week all right and fuck you to anybody who doesn't like this all right that's why the podcast is free all right stamps dot com everybody I've been telling you about this for weeks all right and this has been uh one of the very successful ad campaigns here on the Monday morning podcast uh um oh let's do it again everybody you guys could probably do this one word for word with me do you like going to the pod you podcast do you like going to the post office no do you like standing behind old people sending cookies that are already stale to grandsons who aren't going to eat them no do you like standing behind somebody who's putting together 12 boxes as they slowly inch their little caravan forward as all you want to do is just stand there and try and

buy some stamps of course you don't wouldn't it be wonderful if you could handle all of that stuff in your own home at any hour of the night clothed or unclothed wouldn't that be amazing well thank god for stamps dot com all you need is a computer and a printer and you can use stamps dot com whenever you need it however you want to do it all right you can be watching good fellas and printing out stamps all at the same time naked while eating a coffee cake however you want to do it people this still is america the post office may be closed but stamps dot com is always open all right here's the endorsement take it from me pointing at my chest with my thumb you can do everything you can do at the post office with stamps dot com yeah you can do everything

except go on a shooting spree you can do that in your house but you're just going to kill people you love special offer right now stamps dot com has a special offering from my listeners pointing at my chest once again use my last name burr b u r r for a no risk trial you get 110 bonus offer offer that includes a digital scale and 55 dollars of free post it's the digital scale is my favorite thing i send out all my dvds using that every once in a while i put me in a bear hug and i tell it i'm gonna wear and i make her sit on it and she giggles and then we have a fun time after that um oh here's the call to action don't wait act now go to stamps dot com before you do anything else i don't care if your baby's crying click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page

and you type in burr burr that's stamps dot com enter burr burr 110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and 55 dollars of free postage okay i don't know what else you guys need for me you know probably a little more funny i've been hooking you guys up with everything you listen because of this podcast you don't have to go to the post office anymore because of this podcast if you play pick up hockey you don't have to get slammed in the foot with a puck anymore do you why because the skate fender dot com skate fender you gotta use this i actually last week for the first time i played in a game and i gotta tell you i had not played i had not played uh hockey on the ice or ice hockey as some people call it i had not played uh hockey and uh since

january because i was afraid murphy's law that uh if i was gonna get hurt it was gonna be right before my special so i was a healthy scratch for the last like six weeks and i finally played and i didn't even notice that i had him on and uh i actually was actually a couple of people i played with going oh yeah i want to get those and blah blah blah blah i was psyched i thought they were gonna call me a pussy for wearing them but they didn't um but anyways if you go to skate fender dot com and use the promotional code bill burr all lowercase you get five dollars off of them and uh it's a great thing you know do you like your feet sure we all do wouldn't it be nice to not take a pocket 80 85 miles an hour to the side of your foot when you have to go in and make a

big presentation the next day i mean it's all up to you people if you want to have to put on a loafer that you have to have a custom zipper up the side because you wanted to be some shot block and douche without any protection that's up to you all right but if you really love your feet and your children you'll get you'll get some skate fenders and until then until you do i don't want you even talking to me um all right what the hell am i doing here let's get back to the podcast here uh oh somebody said bill where do you think Peyton Manning is going to play uh i have no idea my gut would say he's he wants to go back to Tennessee just a good old boy never meaning no harm got a rectangle head and a funny way of talking wise his forehead so big um i think he's

their forehead you know i have a big forehead they have like a swollen forehead i think archie every time uh elie and Peyton made a bad pass or did made a mental error in the backyard he took off his belt you know had the buckle in his hand let's be fair and he is right in the front of their fucking forehead and then they were dead i gotta put some ice on it and he goes you're not putting ice on that till you make that throw 20 more times then the sun would go down and by the time they put ice on it didn't matter that's why their heads are just like that to this day hey that's all true people i don't know what else to tell you oh my god is this gonna be one of these podcasts i really i can't do podcasts when i fucking i'm on vacation because i don't do anything

you know i was watching the uh the Bruins lose to the penguins yesterday i watched the Celtics lose to the Lakers um i gotta tell you this right now Danny Ainge you know i i don't think i don't i don't like what he's doing i just don't like what he's doing with the team i think he got lucky i think kevin mckayle hooked him up but as each year goes by and the Celtics somehow keep getting older every time i see him they're older every year goes by every trade deadline somehow not only do we not get younger not only do we not stay the same we get fucking older i told you you ever seen somebody knee pad elbow pads and those stretchy sleeves in your life i don't know i think Danny Ainge is white isaia he just got lucky you know he got he got that one ring so now no

one's gonna like question him kind of like Peyton Manning you know he got that one ring and then all of a sudden everybody ignores that you know he puts up nine million yards in the in the during the regular season and then loses in the first round of the playoffs every goddamn year you know what i mean that's what i'm talking about um yeah i just i don't get it the Bruins i'm not worried about Bruins were uh you know i don't know we've had some injuries and that type of stuff but what i love about them and the Celtics is they don't quit and uh i thought we wouldn't get killed by the lake is yesterday um i don't know and i missed actually missed the first two periods of the Bruins game because uh i had the center ice package and i put it on and i couldn't find the

game and i was like am i out of my mind i thought they were playing today and i didn't realize it was at the nbc game so then i went out on my mandate and i got a uh breakfast burrito and then i got a i got a text message from a Pittsburgh penguins fan going you watching this game which i know what that means it means are you watching us kick your ass because you know if we were up four to one i wouldn't have got a text would i billy gardell uh look at me dropping a name um anyways i don't know i think the Bruins are gonna be okay but the Celtics as long as the lakers don't win as long as the lakers don't win and then continue to claim that none they'll say they have 17 championships as long as they don't have to endure that uh i don't know but it's it's inevitable

it's inevitable the lakers are gonna win what they consider their 17th which is really their 16th nba championship uh before the Celtics get their 18th just because uh they're just a better franchise they're a better franchise and people want to go play for him dwight howard is is like dying to play for him you know what kills me about that is because he wants to focus on his movie career you know who wants to see a fucking seven foot love interest you know what i mean what are you gonna be an action hero with your fucking head coming out of the sunroof of the car i mean you're seven feet fucking tall wait for him to do another cone in the barbarian movie and you can fly in from Orlando during the off season do it then focus on your movie career why don't

you focus on having some sort of fucking baseline move if you had one of those you could have already had a ring instead of letting palgasol eat you up the fucking guy is made out of he's like i don't want to his his mom greeted with was in a squirrel i thought that was a fox hang on a sec get the fuck out of here hey hey get your fucking lunch somewhere else buddy i don't like squirrels i know a lot of people like squirrels because they water ski on the news but i'm not one of those guys all right they don't fool me with their their fuck their cute rats hey get out of there come on scrap beat your fucking fuzzy tail um

i don't like him not a big fan of the squirrels i don't i don't like uh i don't like things with creepy little fucking hands i don't like raccoons i don't like i don't like squirrels i don't like him i don't like how they sit up and eat and they sit sit there staring at you like they're sizing you up or something you know you like hey you got a fucking problem you know then they stop chewing and just sort of stare at you yeah you you're fucking looking at me i'm sitting here you're fucking looking at me you know and then you make a step and then they do that you know a little fucking i'm gonna run and then they fucking take off the bitches you know instigators squirrels or instigators and i don't appreciate them um and that's all i have to say about that

uh this is just one of these start stop start stop fucking podcasts uh dental hygiene hey build oh jesus i wanted some advice on dental hygiene i listened to an i listened to an older podcast an older episode of the podcast and you were talking about how you were a dental assistant and talking about people's teeth i brush i brush every day in the morning and use an electric toothbrush but is that enough i noticed that it's harder to brush the backs of my my backs my the backs of my teeth there you go wait a proof read uh then the front do you have a routine what are the secrets to having good teeth i never understood this all my all my fucking time in a dental office i never understood why people had such fucking difficulty brushing their goddamn teeth

do i have any tips yeah brush them in the morning and brush them at night before you go to bed use floss electric toothbrush is great because uh you know if you brush too hard you're gonna brush away some some of your gum line and that could lead to some sort of periodontal disease look at me huh doesn't understand flight i understand this shit so uh and if you don't want to use an electric toothbrush then i suggest you use one of those soft bristled ones if your brush really had but uh yeah you you fucking go twice a day and then you you floss every day and then you fucking get your teeth cleaned every six months if you do that you should be fine unless you're just genetically compromised and you just have bad teeth at which

point you shouldn't get upset what you should do is rejoice that you live in this era where you can be that weak of a human being in part of this species and still somehow survive and be allowed to continue breeding because nature doesn't like people like you nature doesn't like people like you who are weak in the teeth tufus area all right back in the day all your teeth would have fell out and you wouldn't have been able to eat and then you would have gradually starved to death and you know what no one would have cared because they would have been in that little wigwam under 40 blankets because it was cold outside and that's why the water was fresh and the air was clean back then all right it has nothing to do with the industrial revolution it

has to do with the fact that people with weak teeth are allowed to continue living all right and until we fucking sit down and just address the fact that weak people should not survive we are going to get weaker as a species you know and I'm including myself I shouldn't be here the amount of time somebody has tried to explain to me how a fucking airplane gets off the ground like what am I contributing I gotta be honest with you people I've done the whole fucking I went down the rabbit hole I read all that conspiracy theory and all that bullshit and I was like these motherfucking bankers these motherfucking Illuminati and all this bullshit and at the end of the day now that I've traveled and I've met all these different fucking people I get it I understand the Illuminati

I understand why they want to go down to 500,000 people 500 million people you can't fucking have too many people the world is uh can't sustain it and most people are shitheads so if you have 500 million you know that basically means you and all your friends are going to survive and then you'll have plenty of people to uh sweep up the driveway and beyond that what what else do you need you know I challenge you go into a Walmart and find a soul worth saving I get it like I I totally understand the Illuminati and they're the best of the best they're running shit and one day they're gonna bring the hammer down and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it but you know what you know what's cool is when they kill you is you get to go on to the next shit

you know which is either nothing or something right what do you think happens when you die you know what I think it is you have a meditate and you get like that tingly feeling and you just start floating like right up out out your body you ever do that shit I think that's what it is you just floating around all tingly you know levitate and above shit it doesn't even make sense does it what forever what the fuck are you gonna do forever and then you go to heaven forever really name name something you want to do forever you know other than obvious shit like be healthy and that type of stuff I mean wouldn't it get boring after a while wouldn't you then like you

know take little trips down to hell like you're going to Tijuana you know for the weekend go down there you know get a couple lap dances from all those horrors that God didn't want to save right then go back up to heaven wouldn't you have to do something at some point can you just imagine like don't you hate when you go to church and everybody's all fucking happy and smiley and saying how blessed they are and behind them you go you dude you're jerking off the porn you see it you know it you know there's that other side it's the balance the ying and the fucking yang you know it's like it's like I don't know what I don't know I don't know it's like but it's a man and a woman a fucking you know a cheeseburger and a biscuit right

you know what I gotta tell you something I was eating a lot of salads this week all right and I gotta give something up to the old vegans there just as far as like you know some people like you know there's you need to eat meat and that type of shit and then you got other people going we were never meant to eat meat our teeth are like horses they're straight across so we should be eating leafy greens and beads I gotta tell you something man and I think vegans are right on some level just hear me out you go out you go get a big steak dinner with some potatoes and you go down there you go down there you go fucking eat like John Wayne Lee Marvin you go down there okay in the next morning okay when you're sitting there fucking

grabbing the bottom of the bowl underneath you trying to get that stuff to come out of you hi right you fucking go out and get yourself a vegan lunch if you just did that once a day and then ate like John Wayne I think you'd be fine because I'm telling you I don't give a fuck what you eat the rest of the day if you go down and you get one of those fucking uh yoga pant breakfasts all right one of those one of those things that you have you have like yoga mat in the back of your chair you know and when people say things to you the way you emotionally react is you open your eyes wider you know did you know they're having a bake sale down the street and you just go hmm with your fucking eyes um I'm telling you the next day like

uh there's there's no uh there's no problems you just wake up and uh that train's coming through um fuck I couldn't think of a good song to be singing moon river it's fucking it's ridiculous so that's there's got to be something to it and I know what you're thinking bill you can still eat a steak but you know you have a sale with a potato because when you have a potato red meat all this thatch is what makes it no joy just shut the fuck up you know what I'm saying dude I eat like those vegan at those places and like when I leave I feel amazing like I'm floating out of there I'm energized you know yet relaxed I go down to a steak fucking place all right and you still feel good when you walk out of there but it's more like

uh you know you're walking out of there holding on to the banisters you're walking down the stairs I was actually talking to uh somebody yesterday on my mandate and you know we were sitting there drinking eating fucking wings and shit like well I don't even know what the fuck we were watching at that point um because this stupid shoot took all day long no sorry the shoot that I totally respect um took all day long and uh I was just sitting there you know I was talking to him you know because I've never had a shot of that Johnny Walker blue you know and I walked into a liquor store yesterday see how much a bottle was and was like 200 bucks it's like I'll go fuck yourself um but I still want it right and we were just

sitting there talking about that shit and I was just like you know something I just realized that was really depressing it's like everything I really enjoy uh kills you you know steak whiskey cigars um my fucking truck's killing me you know I got damn exhaust I gotta warm it up because of the caberator all right I have it my garage buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh and I gotta I gotta wait till it like gets all warmed up so I can drive up my fucking stupid driveway um that's at a fucking 90 degree angle that was designed for someone to drive a go-kart down like everything I fucking like so I need to eat more leafy greens people that's what I'm saying

I you know something if you if you get a good one it's just like anything else because there's bad steak places you know those steak places where if you if you have to put any sort of like you know steak sauce on a on a steak like that that person doesn't know how to cook it you know I mean that's one of the biggest insults you can do if you go to a steak place and they put the steak in front of you you have a couple of bites and you go hey can I have some a one sauce which I swear to god is like cologne with a little mesquite in it I don't understand fucking a one steak sauce that is the worst sauce I mean how could it be good how could a mass produced steak sauce be good that's like you start doing that you have like a fucking that's when you just have some giant

I don't know what that of the ingredients you know you got like a dump truck comes in to pour all the sugar in it just you can't fucking do it you need a little old lady making it you know in a little pot and then sticking in a jar and selling it out of the back of her fucking rusted out corvair or something right what am I talking about talking about steak sauce everybody I'm trying to say how I want to fucking I want to eat better that's what I want to do you know what's great about eating eating like that too is then you don't have to go to the gym as much you can do you do push-ups a couple of pull-ups and you're ripped you don't have to fucking go down to the goddamn gym and work off whatever show shut up bill all right summer plans bill summer is around

the corner do you have any special plans with the lady um I have a couple of plans this year and neither involve my woman one one of my on on my bucket list is I want to go to the Galapagos silence and I've decided that I'm fucking going I don't know when but uh I found someone who knows a bunch of shit about animals so I can go there and not have to worry if a Komodo dragon charges me uh I want to do that other than that what are my special plans oh yeah I actually do have some special plans but I'm not going to tell you what they are you know you're fucking weirdo I'm gonna tell you where I'm going um yeah Galapagos Islands at some point go ahead go down there and wait for me all right chick advice hey bill I'm 25 and I've been listening to your podcast for a year now

and I really enjoy it I want to get your advice on my current situation yeah I could have assumed all of that um because I'm arrogant and why else would you write in okay after a lot of failed relationships I wanted to try a new approach of meeting women I met a 21 year old girl through my sister-in-law and figured she was interesting and pretty enough to consider for a serious girlfriend we started hanging out as friends so I could be sure that I was in fact able to be friends with her before I made a move to something more seriously more serious sorry things have been going well for the last two months and we get together a couple times a week to hang out and do stuff well last week I finally decided that I wanted to make my move on her I was saying goodbye to her after

hanging out and I finally moved in for a kiss and she backed away it got really awkward after that and she kind of said oh I have to go about 10 minutes later I got a text from her saying sorry for backing away but I don't want to ruin our friendship ah oh dude you fucking waited too long I would go go watch that Chris Rock special where he does the friend zone um anyways he says what the hell do I do now she's always been very flirty with me the entire time we've been hanging out oh wait she's been flirty with you oh fuck her she works at an all girls camp during the summer and she always hangs out with me in her days off so I know there isn't anyone else she's seeing all right first of all scratch that all right you

have no idea what how does that expression go you know only the devil knows the secrets in a woman's heart isn't that how it goes something like that don't ever fucking you you have no I don't give a fuck okay you could have a woman in a goddamn cell you still have no idea what the fuck they're doing um they're sorcerers um anyways am I to believe she is so naive to think that we were just hanging out as total platonic friends the only reason I could think why she would do that is because I am agnostic and she is a semi-religious girl what do you think I should do you know what you should do fucking walk Robert De Niro in heat just walk away all right

just walk away this is what you do all right this girl's being all flirty with you and all that type of shit she gets you dick hard you're trying to be a gentleman you don't try to fucking finger blast her on the first date because you think she's special all right so three days have to fly in kites and going on picnics you go in for a kiss she pulls up ah I didn't want to ruin the friendship give me a fucking break she knows what the fuck she's doing all right she's toying with you so this is what you do this is the best thing that you can do when a woman does something like that that makes you want to go out and eat fucking sheet metal is you don't you don't give them the emotion that they want which is she they want you to be upset and I don't I don't know I don't

know why I've no I don't know fucking why but she wants you to be upset so this is what you do okay you just say oh yeah hey I don't know what I was doing that's cool that's cool whatever all right and she's like I still want to be friends and be like yeah absolutely we can totally be friends all right so don't try to fucking bang her anymore don't blow her off so she has no idea what you're doing just keep hanging out with her whatever doing this and that and then what you do just start fucking working out you get jacked right and then on the side you start talking to other broads and then one day you show up with a fucking goddamn hickey on the side of your neck you know and then you fucking just don't even address it what's that I was hanging out with

some girl last night so what are you doing today and you just you just you mind fucker right back you fight fire with fire that's what you do get on with your life sir fuck her that's it all right that's it that's that's what I feel my solution is always the same okay is when whenever a girl does some shit like that all right or if a girl breaks up with you or anything like that and and uh if a girl still wants to be friends with you after she broke up with you don't all right you get the fuck away from her hurt locker okay put on your bomb suit and fucking walk away don't be the don't be the hero you fucking walk away because they just want to keep you in their life as they slowly get over

you and just constantly be taking a steak knife and shoving it into your heart fuck that all right you get away from them there's there's no point being around this girl so right now this girl just tried to mind fuck you so if you do automatically just cut off being around her she's gonna win on some level she'll actually get some sort of level of satisfaction that you reacted that way because because even though you think you're saying fuck you what you're really saying is I actually cared about you and that's gonna feed her goddamn ego so don't do that so just be like yeah I don't know what I was thinking you know uh yeah you can't you can't you can't blame a guy for trying that'll annoy her like she's just some piece of meat you took a swing at

yeah this is such terrible fucking advice but you know what I believe in it this is how I've lived my life if you want to end up like me 43 not married no kids that's how you do it um you know I was actually thinking of maybe adopting one of those Ugandan kids it's the perfect fucking thing you can do something beyond that douche bag who made the movie is you can actually help one of those kids the kids are already 12 years old all right then you only have to be a parent for six fucking years and then he graduates high school all right man have at it good luck to you see you Christmas don't do any drugs um you know then I can catch right up to all these other parents I have a 13 year old oh I have a 12 year old yes I do got three of them I got three of them

I don't even need a pit bull anymore these motherfuckers can load an unloaded gun with their eyes closed that's fucking mean uh but it is what it is uh what the fuck did I go from that from that that goddamn broad yeah so forget that forget that girl all right um I don't know yeah just whatever she wants to hang out yeah hey let's hang out and don't be weird around her don't be weird hey sorry about that I don't know I was an idiot or whatever that's what you do that's what you do all right then what you do is start talking about some other girl wait a couple of weeks and just say hey you know I kind of met this girl I kind of like her and blah blah blah blah you know this is this is a fucking this is the old hook and lateral play

I don't know if this will work this is definitely a Hail Mary but maybe if you fucking start saying hey and I met this girl I kind of fucking like her you show up with the hickey on your neck I don't know what happens the spinal cord muscles the spinal cord muscles the muscles around their spinal cord get fucking uh they get weak you know and all of a sudden they just fall face first into your lap sometimes that happens you know but you're not gonna know unless you try it all right don't be Chris Weber and be looking to pass the fucking ball here you want to take the shot you understand me so that's what you do sometimes I say this shit and I step outside of myself and I just realized what a fucking moron I sound like but I don't know for some reason you

guys listen to this shit so whatever good luck to you I just tapped out of that one what is it 47 minutes in 47 goddamn what is it two in the afternoon does daylight savings like we're a bunch of goddamn farmers and we have to get up early to for the crops is that what it's all about oh last week by the way I went out I did some investigative reporting on the uh not reporting investigative uh cell phone pics of the uh the Colonel Sanders sign and this is what I found uh the one in Koreatown Colonel Sanders definitely looked a little more Asian than he does the usual plantation owner oh velvet air come here boy right and um so I was convinced I was like goddamn I you know Nia was right but somebody else wrote in and said Bill I've always thought that the

that the Colonel Sanders looked Asian I think the older logo for KFC has a more ethnic looking I what what is I don't understand what is ethnic does that just mean non-white am I not ethnic I don't fucking understand that oh I guess because I'm mixed is that what it is I'm just a mutt but so are African Americans right they're all mixed in right that's an entire continent of people all mixed together the same way all as European Whites are none of it makes sense anyways I think the older logo for KFC has a more ethnic looking Colonel and the newer ones don't so maybe the one you and Nia see sometimes just happens to be an older sign here's the older one and he shows the one the one that's hanging in Koreatown and he goes here's the newer one and that's the one I see

everywhere else but don't think it's kind of weird though that they leave the uh the one that kind of looked Asian to evidently mean a lot of other people that they leave it in Koreatown I don't think it's bad you know I don't know you know what I'm gonna put the uh I'm gonna put both pictures up this week on the uh on the podcast page and I'll let you guys decide how about that there's there's your interactive uh web moment of the week you know if you actually go to my podcast by the way let's all go to billbird.com right now okay get off the treadmill parachute out of your flight and let's go to amazon.com and if you uh go there like me evidently the fucking why I want this load all right I got amazon.com

I got a window right underneath the iTunes a banner the black one that's the USA one and then I just added two more one for Canada and one for UK um and basically if you'd like to donate money to the podcast and the wounded warriors project this is the I think this is the best thing we're doing here is anytime you're gonna buy something on amazon.com I'm not saying you gotta buy anything there's if you're gonna buy something off of amazon.com just go to billbird.com first click on the podcast page and if you're in the United States that first one right next to the left of the stamps.com banner uh the black one you just click on that and go and go buy something and they'll give me a little kickback and then I take 10% of the kickback and I give it to the

wounded warriors project um and uh for Canada and England I don't know what charities yet why don't you let me know tell me something over there that you want me to give it to give me some suggestions if it sounds like something that is legit I'll kick some uh I'll kick some pounds and some maple leaves over to whatever the fuck you're doing how's that does that work well that's great is that the podcast for this week am I am I all out of uh I'm all out of material oh my god so I got a wing the rest of this shit what else did I do you want to know I've been doing you probably want to go hey Bill what is a guy who fucks off for a living doing when he's on vacation um you know what I've been doing I've actually been working on 30 second note fills

on the on the drums it's just something I've never been able to do unless they're just lame right left right left diggity diggity diggity diggity diggity diggity diggity diggity diggity bang you know but that shit where you start fucking breaking it up between the hands and the feet and then there's sort of odd groupings like groupings of five you know what I mean so when it when it when it starts to repeat it just gets like all it almost sounds like you're playing a different time signature and you somehow come out on the one I've been actually working on that and I know this is unbelievably excruciatingly boring to everybody else in the podcast but that's what I've been working on I've been working on two ones that I got off of uh fucking YouTube

this week and uh I've just decided that like when I work on shit like in my stand-up act where I just go I'm just gonna work on this and bomb with this until I come out the other fucking side I've decided that I'm gonna do that with these two different fills um because I'm sick and not knowing how to do it I'm sick of hearing it in my head and then be sitting down at a drum kit and not being able to fucking do it and uh I don't know why this is important to me I don't play in a band um you know TRL doesn't exist anymore so I don't know where I feel like I'm gonna go with this but uh yeah that's what the fuck I'm doing I just do that I've drank like every day not a lot I just have like one I sit down I'm becoming that guy I sit down

and I pour myself a glass of scotch at the end of the fucking night that's what I do and I sit down and uh you know what's funny is like that's like the original night will though is if you have a scotch in the middle of the day like I did yesterday we were watching the Bruins right and they were losing and shit and I asked somebody like you want a beer he's like nah you know not really and I was he goes why are you gonna drink I was like yeah and he was like you know one of those deals takes you that much to fucking convince somebody to drink and we both had one and the only reason why I didn't just nod off and do an old man nap immediately afterwards is because he was sitting there and we would laugh and about it later I

was going dude I was like fucking half a second away from just sleeping for three straight hours and my buddy actually told me because he was sitting outside room and didn't see he actually nodded off for a couple of fucking minutes that's something you know that's the dumbest thing that I do is you know I fight that old man afternoon nap I fight it I don't know why I do there was a period in my early 30s when I was still living with Robert Kelly um I got into the zone with the old man naps when we were living together and he would be talking to me and we'd be right in the middle of a conversation and I'd just look at him and I would stand up and I'd walk into my bedroom and just go to sleep and he would just start fucking laughing and then within five seconds

he was asleep like fucking two old dogs just passed the fuck out like we left the gas on in the stove and then you just wake up like 45 minutes later and I remember one time Bobby going like dude you call those naps like fucking I don't know any like like clockwork and you felt like a million bucks and for some reason I haven't been able to do that since I always fight them and then when I try and lay down and do it I got too much shit going on in my head now it's like that meditating shit I used to be able to do it I used to be able to do it and I could feel and I'd float right out of the room and it was fucking awesome and now what happens is right as I'm going to that zone this voice in my head was like okay here it comes it's gonna happen yeah and then it all goes

away and then it becomes frustrating and then I'm meditating and I'm angry oh fuck you know what that reminds me of I have I have uh I don't know I have they have the cock blocks all been defined like the different kind of cock blocks I don't know if there's this names from but I got a new I got a new cock block for you this this cock block is very special and a very obvious one and I think like this happens all the time but for some reason I've never heard anybody name it so I'm gonna I'm gonna kick off the creative process I call this guy the announcer that's the uh that's that's the name of this cock block this is what happened to me I was I did a gig in Jersey and at the end of the night these two girls who waited to be at the back of the line came up and

they said hey you want to go out and get banana pancakes you know making a reference to my jokes saying if I wanted to go out and hang out with both of them right and the second they said it I was like holy shit here's a fucking here's something I never had here's a two on one and I can't fucking do it because I'm with Nia who's kidding no cool not because I'm with Nia's because everybody's got a cell phone fucking camera and I get caught honesty um no I couldn't deal with the guilt um but I gotta I'll be honest with you and I would say this if Nia was here if two fucking tens came up to me and said let's do this I I you know yeah fuck it let's do it I never did it you know fuck it so anyways so they said hey you want to

get uh you want to go on get bananas and pancakes or something like that and then this fucking guy like 10 feet away way just goes like oh what's going on over here you know those guys like if a girl just comes up to you just like you know you know I've always loved guys in green shirts and you're thinking right you're thinking like holy fuck this is gonna happen there's some other guy like five hey now look out and just makes the whole fire the whole fucking room look over at you the fucking announcer fucking cock block motherfucker you know who would do that if I was standing there and I heard two girls say it to a guy I'd be like god damn it's going down right inside of my mouth that lucky motherfucker I wouldn't be oh she wants to put in her mouth while the other one watches I mean

why would you do that the fucking announcer and if you have a friend like that all right the only way you can still hang out with him is if he goes out if you guys are going out trying to meet women he has to wear one of those old ABC bright yellow Monday night football sport coats and if the girls why is he wearing that you'll see you'll see and that'll be the that would be the funniest fucking thing ever like if somehow if he couldn't figure out the joke and he just thought the coat looked good and just the whole night you just saw him anytime you heard all in the you know 10 feet away in the bar and you just look over and you see this guy dressed like Howard Cosell you'll be like oh that's the announcer he's the he's the he's the guy he can cock block

from like he's almost like a sniper he wasn't so fucking loud he's at the same distance as a fucking marksman but uh he kills it with uh with loudness oh my god did that guy fucking annoy me hey Nia come here come here she just came in shaking her head what i am beyond come on over here i was just telling that story with that guy cock block me with those two chicks out in uh jersey when they were just going cock blocked you i told you this story no but you're making it seem like you were gonna do something no no i wasn't gonna do something this is the thing but i just admitted general cock blocking yeah but this is what i did admit if they were both tens i would have i would have i would have done it i never had a fucking two on

one and you know something would you be that mad if they were both smoking hot and the cell phone video got out the video doesn't even need to get out when you got the announcer there the guy he just literally goes like yeah we'd like to get bananas and pancakes is the only he said something like what's going on over there nothing you're a jerk why am i a jerk silk pajamas uh you are talking about cock blocking and two on one so what kind of podcast is this turning into you know what it's turning into a very honest podcast i was very honest i i said this is good for you this is the thing i said i couldn't uh i couldn't deal with the guilt unless if they unless they were both tens if they're both fucking tens give me a break let me tell you

something nia if you hooked up with brad pit there's only so mad i could get oh really it's fucking brad pit okay yeah good to know okay well you know what that would that if i just if i just said some generic what yeah but good looking guy if i just said some generic good looking guy and you and you just said that that would have scared me but the way you just acted like you had brad pit's phone number that doesn't scare me oh really okay it's going down what if it's the like the regular guy version of brad pit is that okay like he's just if you want to go live out on the street and get the fuck out of this house absolutely but you're allowed to have some sort of crazy 211 yes that's bullshit no it isn't it is if you just you know what because you're thinking

on it on like like a very basic level but if you really but if you really think about it just think about it it makes sense bill you're not gonna try to mind fuck me into thinking that it's okay for you to have some sort of 211 and i can't that's not no it's not going down like that yeah but god women are beautiful we lost after you it totally makes sense you guys find like dicks are weird they're gross it's all hanging out there it's disgusting you don't want that you know nothing about you don't want that which has been proven time and time and again and you're stand up and in your podcast but that's a that's another discussion you know what you you just set yourself up like you're gonna make some huge point and then you just tapped out you know nothing about women but

that's just another discussion and i just don't want to even get into that so now what you just give me the face what are you doing today lazy huh nini kubrick yeah i just uh filmed my short film over the weekend screw you been working hard while you're in here in your pajamas talking about two on ones yeah well i have to do an hour's worth of shit here i'm coming up on it yeah fill it up with whatever there we go an hour and two minutes an hour and two minutes have you done your uh do your emails yet yeah i did listen their emails you did that already because you want to chime in i don't know i already did it what do you got i already did it what about overrated underrated didn't do it

they didn't have any this week oh okay look at you i think you're a fan of this podcast no i'm not listen it didn't go down all right but i'm telling you right now nia if two tens come up to me it's going down okay all right well just be prepared for the retaliation game set match really you're gonna deny me that can i just buy you some stuff wow really yes really i'm not some sort of fucking basketball wife that can be placated with material things to a point yeah exactly okay if i'm gonna be fucking honest here come on this gotta be something that i can buy you know something this should be our valentine's day all right for the guy the guy valentine's day this is what valentine's day should be every year

is the guy gets a two on one and then you get some nice stuff well why can't i have a two on one cuz you don't like that what do you mean what do you know women don't like sex you don't find like when you guys fantasize you think about the guys in your life you don't think about other things come on nia just one just give me one you get one and i get one no you don't you don't because you don't want one what do you mean i don't want you're just being childish no i'm not yeah you are you do you see you think you think you want to hook up with with jake jillon hall and uh brad face whatever the fuck his name is brad pit brad brad face pit you just think you do see you know what i think about me is is like you have to hook up with somebody famous i'm

actually just regular people see i'm down to earth with this shit see that's what i'm saying you like stuff you like shiny shiny things this is the deal i get a two on one and you you get some some cracked up face old man in vegas like robert redford like i used to be good looking when nixon was in office no that's not how negotiating works now you got to come with something else here no i think we should both get an equal opportunity thing going on yeah but this isn't an equal relationship why why is it not an equal relationship because i wanted to i could pin you down to the ground right now and tickle you until you passed out and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it what that has nothing to do with anything that's how the world works nia why do you think

america's on top because we're right or because we can oh because because we can blow you up more times well so it's your your physical presence that's what makes it like an unequal relationship yeah because i can beat you down well maybe you're physically stronger but i'm mentally stronger than you oh snap and i'm smarter than you yeah so whatever physical power let me ask you this what did you have are trumped by my mental fucking goliathness suck on that red why do you think you're smiling oh that was good though that way you got a good one in and now you're storming off i taught you well all right that's a podcast for this week everybody i hope you had a good time listening to it um go fuck yourselves don't take any

shit over the air and um oh wait i forgot to announce my uh my dates for the week um uh where the hell is it go to bill bird dot com hyping it once again you click on shows um i am going to be here's some new ones last week i told you that i was going to be at the dupont theater with the police the dupont theater in wilmerton delaware uh-huh i'm gonna say this in a black scent i'm gonna be at the uh the music hall in troi new york on march 31st that first date was march 30th um the terry town music hall april first one of my favorite gigs i've only done it once i think i actually did that gig but i only headlined it one time um i have conquered college in new hampshire oh my god he's not an old orchard beach um come on down to conquered

college i guess you can get tickets because they're telling me to hype it so that's uh april 27th um and then we're all the way into june everybody june 15th 16th and 17th i'm at the san jose improv the improv in san jose california 15th 16th 17th jump on that fucking trolley take your life in your hands come on down to the club um june 29th 30th and july 1st i will be at the improv in ontario uh i'm in ontario california you fucking guys better show up and i know what you're thinking right now yo what you gotta get to ontario forker it's the traffic it has nothing to do with ontario it looks like every other part of california it's a bunch of fucking strip malls in stucco houses i haven't been out there in a long goddamn time oh you motherfucker ontario

that is a deal breaker right there i know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go out there thursday afternoon i'll do the gig and then i'll fucking stay over friday no i won't i'm going back and sleeping my own goddamn bed i'll fight the traffic fucking three nights in a row oh what a cunt of a gig um then things are looking up i'm at the improv in west palm beach florida come on you dirty racist white people in florida come on out to the west palm beach florida improv july 13th 14th and 15th and if that isn't racist enough next i'm going to orlando florida this is my racist tour um i'll be there september 7th 8th and 9th uh with any luck the jacksonville jag was got a game i could drive

up to go see that um and then september 21st 22nd and 23rd i'm at the improv in brea california and there you go everybody those are the dates so far as you've noticed those are all club dates after the three first ones but those are all club dates why you ask uh because i'm right in my new hour all right it never ends i just keep going so uh i think i'm gonna learn how to shoot a gun this week i'll talk to you about it next week all right that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves did i say did i say all the average oh i forgot game fly game fly dot com everybody how could i forget that this has been a monster for us everybody enjoying game fly are you a gamer sure we all are wouldn't it be nice to go uh wouldn't it be nice to have like video games

delivered straight to your pc or right to your door have over 8 000 games to choose from well if you go to uh monday morning podcast listeners get a 15 day free free free free free free trial go to uh gamefly.com slash burr um to activate this special offer so there you go i'm protecting your feet i'm filling up your brain and you don't have to go to the post office i don't know what else you what else do you want from me huh well you tell me does anything else you'd like to get a discount on because i kind of been doing that with these people you know i just go hey what do you sell what do you sell over there huh you're selling uh cadaver parts tell you what if i can get anybody to buy a finger you just kick me two bucks per digit all right and uh if nobody buys

anything you don't owe me shit so there you go so if there's something out there you want to fucking discount on and i could make some money off of it you let me know you let me know all all right ah i'm sick of saying goodbye go fuck yourself