Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-15-18

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

Bill rambles about the dentist, being back on Instagram and the news.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie, in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I'm just checking in on you.

Just seeing how your week's going, how your life is, how you're feeling this day. I'm not, I don't know. I don't, you know, I was supposed to get my Invisalign off yesterday, right? I was all excited. The shit was supposed to take 16 weeks and because I wore them like a fucking lunatic. Basically 24-7. Occasionally I'd smoke a cigar or I'd do a set. If I did a long set and I didn't feel like spitting all over the stage, I would take them out. A lot of times I just left them in. One time I left them in when I smoked a cigar. That was a bad move, bad move. I had to sit there and brush them for like an hour so they wouldn't be fucking all brown. So last time I saw my dentist, he's like, oh gee, Willikers, you've been wearing them so much, I think we'll be done by the 13th week. And I was like, you got to be kidding me. I tried not to get excited.

I tried to be like, okay, well I'm supposed to be, you know, just mentally, just keep being prepared for the end of March when these things are going to be off. So anyway, so I go to the dentist, right? And I'm wearing them and I'm wearing them and I'm driving over. I'm wearing, I'm chewing on the stupid sponge to make sure the fucking tray is all the way down and all of that shit. So I show up and he, you know, takes the things off. He's like, oh, he's a good old man. Wow, you really were. You see, when you comply, blah, blah, blah, everything's good. And I'm sitting there going, don't get excited. Because here comes the however, however we get me. Two fucking weeks. I was waiting for that shit, right? But he doesn't. He goes, he's still good enough to take him off today.

I was like, you got to be kidding me. I did it. I fucking did it. This is like going to the fucking Stanley Cup playoffs. All right. And just sweeping everybody. So you play like fucking, I don't know, let's see, if you went seven games times four, that's about 28 fucking games. Or you could just play 16. I felt like I just played 16 games. Fresh as a fucking daisy. I'm ready to go another round. You already handed me the trophy, right? So I said, all right, so he's taking the fucking clips off or whatever. He's filing them down and shit. And he's like, I go, okay, so now all I have to do now is just wear this tray at night when I sleep for the rest of my life. So they don't go back, which is no big deal. I'm asleep. What the fuck do I care?

Right? He goes, no, no, this final tray, you have to wear this for the next three months. And then we give you the overnight tray. And it's just like, where did that come from? Where was that in your initial pitch? I still would have fucking done it. But why are you just tear the bandaid off? I could have just mentally got myself like, all right, the next six months of my life is going to suck. You got me all excited about 16 weeks and then 13. And then it's going to happen. And then, oh, oh, oh, by the way, by the way, here's another three months onto your sentence. You're not out yet. Oh, fucking bug me. You know, because you know what it was? Because when he went initially went to sell it to me,

he was too afraid that if he told me it was going to be six months that I wasn't going to do it. That's basically what it is. That, you know, I get it. Capitalism, it's sales. I really wanted, I didn't say anything. You know, what are you going to do? I got fucking straight teeth. I mean, it works. The shit definitely works. I am thrilled. I am elated with it. I just, you know what I mean? That's like something your wife does. Is there anything in the world, Bill, that you can't turn around and blame women for? All right, you're right. I'm being emotional, being a cunt. Fucking three more months. I turned 15 three months. You think I'm going to have fucking braces?

I don't know about you, but that's not one of my life's goals. So anyway, so now what's going on is he took the fucking hooks off my teeth. I'm just giving you guys the blow by blow. This guy's a great dentist. Okay, you know, could have been a little more straightforward about how long this was going to fucking take. You know, just dump the bowl over my head. Stop like taking little spoonfuls and putting it in my mouth. Is that okay? Can you handle that? Anyways, I didn't know what the fuck to do. So now the hooks are off these fucking things.

And this is like getting out of jail because you just don't get out of jail. They go from maximum to like medium to minimum to you living in some guy's fucking house and you can go out and go get a fucking bagel and you got to come back and report to somebody. This is this is how the invisible lines going down. I am in the halfway house or the fucking minimum security building of this shit. Another three months, whatever. I don't even fucking notice him. I'm kind of over it. I did have to vent. I did have to vent on it on the podcast about it, but it's just you fucking. Just just tell me what I'm in for so I can prepare for it. It's like one of those fucking movies where you sit in your goddamn cubicle at your desk and you finish your stack of papers.

You're like, ah, and you fucking put your foot up on the desk guy comes back with another stack of papers. You know. Anyways, anyways. Oh, fucking Billy Boston Bruin bandwagon is jumping on. I've watched the last three games to be honest with you. I missed. I turned on the last Bruins game. I got a kid now. So I do what I can. All right. I put the game on when it was four to one. All right. I watched him beat the Blackhawks on Saturday. I watched him lose on Sunday. And I put the game on. It was they were down 41. I was like, Jesus Christ, every time I fucking, they do nothing but win.

But whenever I turn them on, they fucking lose. And so I got the game on, you know, medium volume. I'm in the kitchen with my beautiful daughter and I'm making her some dinner. I came in with the hell I made her. She likes these meatballs, right? With the vegetables and that type of stuff. And we're really trying to keep her away from, you know, all the sugar and that type of shit. However, you know, occasionally, you know, my kid's not going to not have McDonald's. You know what I mean? I'm not going to take it to that level where the kid's like, oh, can I have some dessert and be like, yeah, here's a Kiwi or some shit like that, even though you probably should do that. I don't know.

So anyways, I have the game on and I'm out in the kitchen and then I just hear Jack Edwards going crazy. Three goals and 77 seconds. I come running in like, what the fuck just happened? Long story short, the Bruins scored. They scored five goals in the third period to win six to five. The last one was an empty net. They scored them so fast, I don't even know who fucking scored them. I can't even remember who the hell scored them. One of them.

But I do know that we also lost like three guys got hurt during the game. Tori Crude, DeBrus can fucking Zidane O'Chara, but I looked at the replay because I missed those plays. They didn't look sitting on my couch and not having to endure the pain. They didn't look too bad. Chara went down like someone at a public skating rink is what that looked like. And then he just slid into the board. Looks like he hit his shoulder. He was walking off fine. You know, when he was off the ice and he was going through the tunnel, he seemed all right. Granted, he's also like nine feet tall and can do like over 40 pull-ups, which makes no fucking sense at 40, 41 years of age. It's easy for the little guys because they don't have to travel as far.

But to bring that giant body and all the way the fuck down, it's like the little guys going up like two steps. And he's got to run up like nine flights of stairs every time he does it. It's unreal. So he's tough as nails. I think he'll be back. I don't know what happened to Tori Crude. And DeBrus, hopefully if I just, I don't know, got a mild sort of bounced his brain around a little bit. But anyways, we're playing the Florida Panthers tonight. 430 my time, 730 East Coast time. And the Panthers fight the most, have the most fighting majors in the NHL this year. And it's like some pathetically low number. I think they've had like 20 fighting majors. They average a fight like basically, you know, every three games.

It's just completely out of the fucking league and it sucks. But granted, I'm not the guy who I don't have to fight, right? I don't have to walk around dealing with the concussions and all of that shit. But, you know, just as a fan, I miss it. So they got them on, they got them today, Thursday. And then Saturday when I'm up in Ontario, they got the lightning. So they got some big games coming up Monday, the blue jackets. I don't know how they're doing because I haven't been watching anything, but I'm back. I'm back on fucking board here.

A lot of new faces and shit, but, you know, like I said, I've watched so many games. In the last 10 years, the 820 regular season games, I bet I saw at least, you know, 500 of them. So I miss like the last fucking 60 that they had this year, essentially. I only saw maybe five games this year. It's embarrassing. But which sucks because I watched them totally dismantle the team, you know, four years ago or something and go all the way back down to rebuilding. And I was like, I'm going to watch this whole rebuild in this year when it all fucking came together. I mean, what am I complaining about? Oh, I had to go and become a dad, which is the most amazing fucking thing ever.

My little one's starting to try to run now. It's hilarious. And also we've been doing this thing where when she's done with the toy and then she wants to play with something else, she has to put away the other toy and she just has it down. She likes it because we applaud every time she puts something away. She's playing with these giant Legos today. And we, and she won, then she wanted to have this bag of like, you know, multi-colored fucking little like, they almost look like ping pong balls, right? She wants to go play with those fucking things. So it's just like, all right, well, you got to put away the Lego blocks first. So she starts putting away and I'm applauding on everyone that she does.

And then there's two stuck together and she fucking, she pulled them apart before she put them away. And as a parent right there, you're like, oh my God, my kid is a genius. You know, like, like you have Einstein as a kid rather than it was a pretty logical step that they were just able to make. But it's still thrilling. Everything is fucking thrilling. So anyways, this morning I go outside, right? I play a little game on Thursday when the trash comes out. As I'm always listening for the garbage truck. All right, because now that I don't have a dog, I mean, I still do. It's still technically my dog and she's in town this week and I've been taking her on these long hikes every day.

It's been awesome. She looks great. She just looks great and she's so friggin happy. And I told you for the first time in her life, she has another dog that she's friends with, which she never, you know, she was never in that mindset when someone with my limited skill set had her. She tried to fucking, she usually ignored bigger dogs and then little dogs. No, little dogs would bark at her and she would ignore them and then bigger dogs. She would also ignore them until they started some shit, you know? I believe in the hip hop community that's known as, don't start nothing, won't be nothing, I believe. That's where my dog, her mindset was from.

So anyways, what I always fucking hate is when the trash is out, the barrels, once they empty the fucking, the trash truck comes by, the garbage truck, if you will, empties the fucking thing out. You have basically about a minute when you live in Los Angeles before some fucking dog owner comes by and takes a shit bag and throws it into your trash bag, which I don't necessarily give a shit this time of year because it's cold out, but during the hot months, you know, to have some stamen bag of fucking shit marinating in your thing that's not even from your own dog, it's a little annoying. I appreciate it, you keep in the city fucking clean, but there is something about that that is just a little fucking annoying. So this morning, I've been hearing phantom garbage trucks, I've been out there like nine times, I only put away the recycling

and I got a feeling while I'm doing the podcast, I'm going to hear this fucking thing coming up the street and I'm going to tell you right now, if I do, I'm throwing down the mic, I'm going to go out there and put that thing back inside, but I got a bunch of shit that I got handled. I am back on Instagram, everybody. I got to get the check next to my fucking name so it's verified because I guess there's some people impersonating me, which is really flattering. I've not been on there since 2012. Instagram was not something that I gravitated towards, but everybody keeps telling me, you got to get on it, you got to get on it, and I was sick of fighting the utes there, and so I'm going to get back on it, I guess. It's been six years since I've been away, okay? It feels like I've had an Invisalign on for fucking 12 years at this point. No, it hasn't been that bad. It hasn't even been that bad. It's just that I got fucking excited that it was over.

Honey, are we done? I'm going to blame women again. Are we done? This is it? This is the last store. And then, oh wait, it was just one place. I want to look at some cosmetics. Asshole. Here's a question. Why don't they have bars at malls? You know, I guess they do. They're kind of like sports bars and shit. I'm going to go in here. Honey, take all the time you need. I'm going to go in here and get fucking loaded, okay? I will do my best to help you with the bags of shit that you don't need that you're going to be carrying out, and then you're driving home. How does that sound?

But I wanted you this together. That's the exact thing that makes him a great mother, makes him an annoying partner. It's just like, just go do something by yourself. Stop dragging me. Why am I being such a jerk because of my fucking Invisalign? I like hanging out with my wife, and I've mentioned before, when I didn't have the hope that my Invisalign was being taken off, that I actually enjoy going to the mall with my wife and kid. There I said it. Alright. Anyways, I'm starting to understand tea, by the way. Okay, I never understood it. It's like, it's hot as fuck. It burns your tongue.

This isn't relaxing. It's like, no, stupid. It's hot as fuck, so it activates whatever in the tea bag. And then once that's done, you then take the fucking tea bag out and you throw it out like an Englishman. Alright? You don't leave it in there like from sloppy American like me. You take that out and you let it fucking cool down, now that everything's been activated, and then you drink it. But the problem is, if you just order tea, that's fine. But if you've got something else coming, by the time the fucking thing cools down, you're a little Danish or whatever the hell you ordered is already there. You're crumpet. What the fuck is a crumpet? Is that a biscuit? A biscuit's a cookie over there, right?

Crumpet. Oh, it's with a C. Strompet? Crumpet. Oh, it's an English muffin. Oh, fuck out of here. That's all it is. Teen crumpet. I never, you know what's funny, because you know how long I've been saying that? I had no idea what it was. I always picked a little fucking round like pale looking Ritz cracker. How to make crumpets. BBC Good Food. Hello. It doesn't look like a good crumpet with that fucking tea. You know nobody eats a fucking crumpet with this shit, right? That's just something. Hi, I'm Mary from the Good Food Cookery team, and I'm going to show you how to make crumpets. In here I've got warm milk. By the way, has there ever not been an upbeat chef? And they always play like that.

Everything's going to be okay. Music, you know. Flour, salt, and sugar. Flour, salt, and sugar. Well in the center. Some oregano, some tomatoes, the warm milk and yeast mixture. Okay. Stirring it all the time. Stirring it all the time. You put it, I could do this shit. Really good mix. You don't get any lumps. I didn't know I could make my own English muffins. I've got rid of all the lumps. Is this like Philly cheesesteak, where you don't say Philly cheesesteak when you just say cheesesteak? It's a cling film. When you're in England, you don't say English muffin. You don't even say muffin. You say crumpet.

Take about an hour. Oh god. This woman is either terrible or unbelievable in bed. I don't know why I just thought that. Splashed oil in a pan. I don't know. She's into the culinary arts. You know, she figured, you know, she's in touch with something. Who knows? You know, sometimes people, they're given one talent. Sometimes it's just, it's an overall philosophy that goes through. All right. Let me read a little bit of advertising here. Then I'll talk about my pathetic attempts to try to fucking learn this song for the goddamn comedy jam. It has double bass in it. And I haven't even really been noticing, but like, I'm left-handed and I'm right-handed at the same time. And that's fucking with my double bass playing because sometimes I have a tendency to lead with my left foot.

Other times I have a tendency to lead with my right foot. You know, like if you're going to do like a, uh, like, boom, zip at the back. All right. Whatever that is, a fucking triplet right before the snare hit where it's going to be like right, left, right, or left, right, left. I always go left, right, left. I kind of feel like it's, it's like if it's on the offbeat or something like that. If it's on, you know, if it's on one and two and three and four and that should be right foot. And if it's on the other ones, I'm going left foot, right? I don't know. I have no idea.

But all I know was I'm trying to learn this fucking song and the crashes on the offbeat. And I do that with my right foot. And then I think what I was doing was when I was playing it up to speed and I was just having fun. And I didn't think anybody was, I was actually going to play it in front of people and they were going to watch me. I think I was actually playing left foot lead. But then when I sat down and broke it down, I flipped it and I went from being able to play it up to tempo to drop in like 30 BPM. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And I have to have this song down in like a week or so.

So, but I got the drum room now. So I've just been, you know, something I learned from Mike Johnston's lessons, which was rather than practicing at your limit to go down 10, 15, even 20 BPM and just stay there for like 10 minutes of really focused fucking practice. Now I'm combining everything. Shit that Davey Litch taught me. I just kind of combined everything that makes sense. And I've been able to start, you know, going back up again. And I got to tell you, I don't know why the fuck I avoided double bass drumming for so fucking long. It's awesome. It's incredible.

And then all of this shit that I always loved, but wouldn't even attempt to play along to Primus, Pantera, all those P bands that I love. All of a sudden it's just like, oh, I kind of understand what's happening right here. I mean, I can't play it up to speed, but it gives me somewhere to go. And I remember I listened to one of those Lama God albums back in the day and I was really fascinated with a lot of the drum beats that I was at Chris Adler came up with. And I don't know, it's just, it's like, it's like anything. It's all of a sudden there's all this new shit that you don't know. You're excited to sit down. I mean, if it's like you kind of learned what you know, and then you just sort of sitting there, you actually get, it's fucking weird.

You get like bored. And then you don't have any passion and then you were already playing it shitty and then you're going to play it even fucking worse. So very excited about that. And to finally have a fucking drum room, I gotta tell you, I was up there fucking wailing yesterday. Not saying I was playing well, but I was hitting them as fucking hard as I could. I was having a great pour and sweat. It's like, it's fucking amazing. And you're playing double bass, all of a sudden it's like, I don't think I need to do the elliptical today.

That probably means my technique sucks, but that's the level of effort that I was exerting. So what's great though is during, if I play during the day, my neighbors are at work and there's always somebody with a leaf blower or a fucking lawn mower playing. So I don't think anybody's really going to hear me. And I think if just every day, if just middle of the day, I play for like 90 fucking minutes, I can have a great time not piss anybody off. And I don't know what I think. I think the dream has come true. I'll tell you another fucking dream would be if my goddamn fucking computer. Come on, man, come back.

Come back. What is the problem? Where did you go? What happened? I need to read advertising. All right. All you computer nerds out there for some reason. Hear that?

Oh, now it came back. It's like screensaver mode and wouldn't come back. I don't know why I just did because I just wrapped it on the head like one fucking. Mo Howard would try to get fucking Larry's attention here. Look, can I just read the advertising here? I'm all over the place. What did I do with it? Jesus Christ.

Do you see Trump just admitted that he just completely made something up? This guy like sounds like me. He's talking about how he said that, you know, basically we had a trade deficit with Canada, which I guess was not true. This is when he was trying to attack NAFTA saying this is the worst deal we ever signed. And evidently, according to this site, the Washington Post, I don't know if this psychotically liberal. So they're just snipping this. I'm sure all you people on the right will be like, actually, what happened was the complete opposite. It was Obama's fault.

He said despite having no idea whether that was the case. He said the man who racked up more than 2000 false and misleading claims as president said he insisted in to Canadian Prime Minister. I mean, I'm sure both sides would debate that number. You know, one side says 2000, the other says three as president. He insisted to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that the United States runs a trade deficit with Canada's despite quote having no idea whether that was the case. He said I said wrong, Justin, you do. I didn't even know Trump said I had no idea.

I just said you're wrong. You know why? Because we're so stupid. That's where that guy is out of his fucking mind. And I know people like this. They're just not present in the United States. He's admitting that he did something wrong. And then when he says why he did it, he then includes how dumb I am.

It's just like, dude, I didn't say this shit. You did. I'm not saying I'm not dumb. That's like, you know, I've seen some, I saw this guy getting in trouble one time and he was just going like, yeah, you know, when you fuck up, you know, you have to, you have to come clean and own up to it. It's like, it was like, why are you talking to me about it? I didn't do it. You did it. I fucked up.

I need to come clean. And he was speaking almost in like a third person type of fucking that's hilarious. That takes me back to that fucking t-shirt. Enough is enough talking enough already talking about paying women less than guys. It's like, fuck head, you're a corporation. You were the one doing it, not me. Now you're going to act like you never did it and profit off. What the fuck he did wrong.

It's like John Wayne Gacy having a fucking shirt. You know, leave the kids alone enough already, right? And then he makes money off of it, which he then uses to pay a lawyer and he gets out of jail before they kill him. So anyways, you know why? Because we're so stupid. I would have respected him more if he just said, you know why? Because the American average American is so fucking stupid that all you have to do is just say some shit. And if you're wearing the right colored tie, they're going to believe it.

They're not going to research it. If he said that, then I'd be like, yeah, I totally agree with that. And that also includes people that are root for blue ties. Okay. And that also includes people in England and Canada. Everybody know, nobody's fucking paying attention. There's very few people that pay attention to the level that like these talking heads on TV who only argue one side and the fact that you're only arguing one side. Then at that point, I don't know, how do you listen to him?

That's why I like Jimmy Dore. I like Jimmy Dore because Jimmy Dore also leans left, but he also trashes the shit out of fucking Obama and calls him out on what a fucking company man he was. That guy left office. He was worth over 80 million bucks, making 500 grand a year and everybody's looking at him like he's fucking Gandhi. It's just like, dude, he's the exact same fucking guy. Not the exact same, but essentially it's the same thing. He's doing the same thing that the guy before that had the red tie, the guy before that had the blue tie. Every eight years we're like, it's the fucking blue ties.

We need a red tie. What you really need is you need a revolution is what you need. You need a revolution and you would have to literally kill the super rich if you're ever going to change it. And who's kidding? No, that's not going to happen anymore. That's why they're building these robots. Everybody knows these robots. Oh, God, Bill, you're going off the deep end.

Yes, I am. They're building these fucking robots. That's what the fuck it's for. It's going to eliminate the ability to ever revolt because here's the thing. Let's just say they turn this country ever into a police state. The people that make up our armed services, the brave men and women who make up our armed services, they are all Americans. And to have them turn their guns on their own countrymen will be very difficult. They would almost have to go into a robot like Mindstate.

See what I did there? See what I did? See how it all fucking, you know, tell me right now. When you talk to yourself into a microphone and there's nobody to debate or check, fact check anything you're saying, you always stick the landing. You always, you always stand there, you know, fucking with the gold metal around your neck as they play the national anthem of you. Right? I fucking agree with Billy Burr. He made some great points.

That's because no one was able to interrupt or tell him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. All right. What the fuck is my, uh, I'm figuring out all my passwords. I'm really turning a new corner here. I figured out, finally figured out how to upload something properly on Dropbox without yelling at it. I actually just sat down and figured it out. Yesterday I flipped out and I fucking slammed my computer down.

They caused both my wife and my daughter to jump and I was just like, what am I doing? What am I doing? I walked downstairs and I came back up, you know, cooled off, came up. I apologize to them both. You know, this is, this is what I'm doing right now where I'm like passing the baton of anger in my family tree. Okay. If I continued the tradition, I just would have done that. I would have blamed everybody in the room and never apologized.

But now I walk away and, um, and I come back a few minutes later and I apologize. I gave everybody a hug or kiss in the room. That's what I do. Okay. So, you know, not saying I'm not still fucked up. I'm not saying people aren't suffering being around me. I'm just, I'm just saying that I am trying. Uh, all right.

Let me, uh, sunbasket everybody. Oh, it's like having the center of the universe. You know, basket. Sunbasket delivers delicious me meal kits right to your door, making healthy cooking easy and convenient for any business lifestyle. Forget protein shaking and flavorless diet food. Start cooking fresh. I gotta take some of those protein shakes. If you look at like the chemicals and all the crap, all that shit that they have at GNC, including the, uh, the men's daily fucking pill that I take total hypocrite that I bought at a GNC.

Uh, so much of that shit. It's just like, how can that be good for me? Why are there so many chemicals? Forget protein shaking and flavorless diet food. Start cooking fresh healthy meals with delicious organic produce with sunbasket. 18 healthy options to choose from every week, including paleo, gluten free, lean and clean, vegan, Mediterranean family options and more. However you want to do it, they got the option for you. Sunbasket makes it easy and convenient to cook healthy, delicious meals at home, no matter how much experience you have in the kitchen.

Now you get more options than ever. Just go to sunbasket app to the sunbasket app and pick from 18 weekly recipes. Easily cook, easily cook dishes. Easily cook dishes. Isn't it cooked? Like steaks with chimichurra and harissa. Roasted sweet potatoes or your favorite sunbasket recipe. Sunbasket works because I kind of did an offensive Asian accent there.

I have to do something else here. Uh, or rigatone. Sunbasket works with the best fam farms and suppliers to bring you fresh organic produce. Wild caught seafood. Just pictured the fish making like a horse sound as you pull in another sea and responsibly raised meats. Hey, hey, knock it off. All of you cows. It's bedtime.

Plus sunbasket is delivered in perfect portions with reliable nutrition. I said knock it off. You go over and you apologize to that other cow. I'm not having cattle like this. Do you understand me? Plus sunbasket. I said sunbasket is delivered in perfect portions with reliable nutrition information and it's ready to whip up in about 30 minutes. How do you responsibly raise meat?

That's a big, that's a wide, you know, it's a big vague statement. There's something for every fiscally responsibly or responsible to the cow. There's something for every healthy journey. Like what do you say to the cow right before you kill it? You know what I mean? Hey man, look at that over there. I've always loved you uppercut. There's something for every healthy journey and with every business lifestyle.

Go to sunbasket.com slash burr to learn more and get $35 off your first order. That's sunbasket.com slash burr for $35 off sunbasket.com slash burr. There you go. There you go. And that's the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I hope all of you have a responsible weekend. A response and you have a responsibly raised child with all your fiscal earnings in their proper ledger or something. I have no idea.

All right. Have a great weekend. You cunts. Bruins versus the Florida Panthers tonight. Maybe there'll be some fights. And this weekend I'm going to be up and outside of, I'm in Lancaster, Ontario with Joe Bartnick, the Rose Bowl tailgate legend, Joe Bartnick. And Paul, I know everything that happens in Aviation Verzi. In other words, anytime there's a crash, he reads up on it.

By the way, man, that was a horrific helicopter crash in New York City. Of course, I've been paying attention to that. And this quick footage of the guy landing the helicopter and he looks like he totally, he totally fucking nailed it. The landing wasn't hard at all. And he got out and nobody else did. And I think from what I'm hearing in our circles is they were flying with doors off. So not only did they have the seat belts, which are, I think they're the four ones that connect with the circle in the middle. You also, you got to turn it like clockwise or counterclockwise because I was thinking that they panicked and didn't know how to, you know, the ones they land like, fuck, I'm in a helicopter crash.

And then, oh, fuck, I don't want to drown. And like, I remember I went skydiving and I did a static line jump so there was nobody attached to me. And I remember it was arc 1000, 2000, 3000, 3000, 4000. Look, if nothing, look, reach, pull. So when you pulled your emergency rip cord, you had to talk your way through it. Look to see it, reach to grab it, pull to pull the thing. Because other than you'd be panicking, flailing, starting to do somersaults and shit. So I thought maybe that was it.

But someone was saying to me that they were possibly flying doors off. And as an extra safety precaution, they had them hooked to the helicopter with one of those C clamp type of jobbies there. And there's two different kinds. There's the one that's the quick release. And then there's the extra one that you screw on. And they were suggesting that it was probably that one and that even if they got their seatbelts on that they were, I don't know, basically strapped to the helicopter and went down and drowned. I have no idea.

How fucking horrific is that? Why would I end the podcast on that? I have no idea and I have no fucking evidence. That's just what's been suggested to me. So anyways, on that upbeat note, listen to some happy music now. And then we'll go into some greatest hits. I don't know why I talked about it. You know why?

Because I fly and that made me scared. You know, made me happy to see that the guy fucking totally landed it like a stud. And then if what is being suggested happened actually happened, I would can't imagine the pilot, you know, having to deal with those five fucking people, you know, they're going to try to fucking blame him. Because it seems like that's one of those things where they made it so safe that they created another fucking problem, which means they'll probably then have some sort of new clamp that they designed. I don't fucking know.

Anyways, how do I talk my way out of this? I have no idea. I'm sitting here just slailing. Alright, listen to the fucking music and have a great weekend, you cunts. And there'll be another half hour of greatest hits where hopefully I don't end on such a gloomy note. Alright, goodbye. Music So, she said, have I got a little story for you?

What you thought was your daddy? Nothing much. While I was sitting here all my life, and he said to me, the real daddy was dying. Sorry you didn't see him, but I'm glad to be talking. Music Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, March 16th, 2010.

How the hell are you? How's it going? It's daylight savings time, if you haven't figured it out yet. If you're wondering why you keep being late for the last 24 hours, it's actually Sunday when I'm doing this thing. Because, you know, I get sick of people on the East Coast bitching. Dude, you should call it the fucking Tuesday, the fucking Monday afternoon podcast, should I? No, I respect that.

You want to get to work or you want to begin fucking off immediately? Start your week off right, I understand. So I tape them on Sundays now when I can. And I hope you guys all had a good weekend. My Sunday started great. My dog puked on the floor after, you know, three days of threatening dry heaves. And every time we go out, walk up the street, the things eating grass, like it's a goddamn cow. And my girl's always going, stop it, stop it, stop eating the grass, stop it.

And I vaguely remember overhearing someone who I hope knew a veterinarian who said something to the effect that animals eat grass when they're not feeling well. So last night I was taking her out late at night, right at that critical fucking moment. It's a scary moment in my neighborhood. All right, there's a moment where, you know, when you're in a bad part of the city and there's that moment around dusk where all the decent, hardworking, honest people are coming in after a nice, decent, honest, hardworking day's pay, you know, as they try to get out kind of like a Good Times episode, you know.

And then there's that point where then the scumbags come out, you know, who are doing all kinds of illegal shit, which I don't even know what the fuck to even think about that anymore. No, it's just as fucked up. I was gonna say, you know, as fucking crooked as these goddamn banks are, you know, with selling drugs, yes, it is, it is just as fucking bad. So anyways, to stay on, I'm already off fucking track. You know what my fucking bank did to me? I walked in, I had this account in New York that I kind of, it was a little checking account

that I had a little bit of money in. And all of a sudden I noticed they were taking some fees out and I'm like, well, that shouldn't be. So I get to New York, I walk in, I talk to the douchebag who works there and he goes, yeah, they're taking $27 a month out. I don't know why that is here. Let me check to see what's up on this thing. And he goes, yeah, we shouldn't have been doing that. And I go, okay, well, can you refund the money?

And they go, absolutely. And I go, well, you know, I've had the account for like six years. Can we see how long you've been doing this? And he's like, I'm sorry, our records only go back for four months. Really? It only goes back for four months. It's amazing because my bank records at home go back the entire time I've had the account. That's incredible.

And I just have some piddly summon there while you deal with hundreds of millions of dollars. It's not billions. It's not trillions. I don't know what the fuck you have. I just know there's a fucking bank of yours in every goddamn state now. But of course it only goes back like four months. So I go, all right, well, what if I bring my records in? I look them over and I find out how long you've been doing it.

And they're like, no, we can only refund it for four months. I'm like, dude, what are you talking about? And he goes, well, the bank kind of looks at it like that. That was on you. And I was like, it's on me to not be like paying attention to make sure the people who are supposed to be keeping my money safe aren't fucking stealing from me. And he's sort of like laughed. I'm like, dude, this isn't funny.

This is ridiculous. You guys just stole from me. And if you've been doing it for six years, what's that? $270 and another fucking 50, like almost 300 bucks a year for six years. That's like 1500 to 1800 bucks somewhere in there. And the guys just sitting there fucking laughing. And, you know, that's the usual shit. Yeah, what are you going to say?

Let's go ahead. We'll take some of that bailout money, which is part of your tax money. And we'll fucking, so I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to close out the account and, and I don't know what do I do then I go across the street to one of the four banks that are left. If anybody out there is in banking, how do I get my money back beyond the four months? Because I know that they've been doing it longer than this.

Can anybody explain that? You know, this is why people, this is why, you know, put 100% of your paycheck into the fucking bank. You got to look at it this way. If somebody mugged you last week, would you walk up to the same person and take your paycheck and stick it in their back pockets? You wouldn't, would you? But for some reason we have these fucking bankers.

Yeah, I don't know. I think everybody should turn like, I don't know, everybody should have a fucking safe that you have buried somewhere. Everybody's got a gun and anybody can blow anybody away. I know it's all fucked up fucking assholes. The guy's sitting there fucking smiling. Nobody's sitting there doing, he's doing that little twirly thing. You know that math people do with their pens and people who are into finances.

I think they do it to hypnotize you. The guys fucking sitting there telling me that they've been stealing 30 bucks a month from me. And all I'm doing is I'm trying to focus on him. I keep looking down at his silver shiny pen. Some sort of mind trick. Fortunately, I was aware of it. I'm gonna say, can you stop twirling your fucking pen?

But I didn't want to do that because I was trying to keep my cool, which obviously is a difficult thing for me to do. You know, I don't right now, Bill, it's just 27 bucks a month. Times how many fucking people? You remember Superman 3 when Richard Pryor stole half a cent from everybody and the next day he had a fucking Ferrari? These fucks are taking 27 bucks a month from everybody. I'm convinced of it.

Ah, it's the fucking mob. I swear to God, the mob went legit or there will be blood guys. They're the fucking assholes who run the goddamn banks. These fucking cunts are just stealing from me and there's nobody, nobody's gonna help me. What am I gonna go down there? I'm gonna get that guy. He used to be on the fucking, leave it to Beaver.

What the fuck was the name of that show? Maybury. I always hated that show. That old cunt walking around with their falsetto voice. Andy! You know, you know what? That show lacked somebody that I wanted to bang. That's why I didn't watch it.

There was nobody fuckable on it. That was the brilliance of the monsters that they were like, this is gonna be hilarious. We're gonna turn fucking Frankenstein and Dracula into these kooky characters and it's all gonna be funny, but they knew at the end of the day there had to be somebody that the male demographic would want to fuck. So they came up with that girl who was allegedly ugly. Why am I explaining this classic show?

You know the deal. And she looked like Marilyn Monroe. And that's what kept you in there. I don't know. Batman, after a while, it's like, what is going on with this 40-year-old guy and his ward? And then all of a sudden they had Catwoman walking around that fucking hoary outfit.

Is she the one who started that shit? Did women not dress like whores on Halloween before Batman? Or Batgirl? Or Catwoman? Catwoman was a bad one, right? They're such pathetic cunts. You know what I mean? We take off that fucking ridiculous outfit,

go stand behind a wall and start talking to people. And listen to how many people even fucking pay attention to you. They don't because you got nothing to say. All you can do is just dress up your goddamn twat and start strutting around the fucking place. That had nothing to do with Catwoman. It had nothing to do with her. That was me fucking getting fucked over by that goddamn bag.

Assholes. Fucking assholes. So now I gotta go down there. I gotta go down there like some fucking guy whose button store just failed after 75 years. You know, Frankie, Fishface, and Sons. Remember those fucking, those businesses when you were a kid? It was always something, something in Sons.

You know, and like a lot of the times the kids were forced into the business. You know, some Italian guy opens a fucking prosciutto shop and then that's it. It's like an arranged marriage except it's your job. Then you gotta show up and be like, I have been working in a restaurant since I was 80. You know, they don't know shit about anything else.

So everybody wanted to strike out on their own. And now look, everybody ends up in a fucking cubicle working for these fucking cunts who are stealing my money. That's uplifting, isn't it? Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast and it's on my website. I'm trying to get it onto iTunes. I'm in between web guys right now.

Hopefully this is up on iTunes. We worked on it yesterday, you know, and it was weird. It was up on my web guys computer, but it wasn't up on my computer. So if you're listening to this on my website, maybe you go to iTunes and you just hold down the shift button. I mean, maybe iTunes just keeps reloading, you know, it remembers a page that you've been to.

So when you go back to it, it'll load quicker. Hold down the shift button when you're on that page. I believe that then you can see the new one. So now I have three podcasts. This is fucking ridiculous, but eventually we're going to get it all under one. This is the first time I've ever had a web guy who lives down the street from me.

I have new video up on my website and by new video, I mean video that actually works and this is part of a whole new revamping that I've tried to do like 10 times. I know I've always promised that, but I'm going to be uploading video to my website. I'm going to start videotaping myself out on the road, putting up little bullshit things up there, you know,

the usual bullshit. Give you guys a couple of crumbs every week so you still give a fuck about me. So when I come to your town, maybe you'll buy a ticket for you and your best little girl or a fucking boyfriend, whatever you've got going on out there, whatever it is that you do. There's also a fan page for the Monday Morning Podcast now,

www.themmpodcast.com. There's questions, there's pictures, I make references to fucked up stuff. Like say you haven't watched The Monsters, maybe there'll be a picture of the hottie on The Monsters, you know? So, and that's it. My girlfriend just walked in and then tippy-toed back out again and then shrugged her shoulders like I wasn't going to address it.

You heard me, I was in a lull. So anyways, I really apologize for the horror that has been trying to find my podcast over the last month or so. I didn't think that it was going to be such a big deal, you know? I just thought I could just switch over to a new server and it wasn't going to be a problem, but evidently it's this major fucking deal and I've talked to other podcasters out there

and they were talking about what a fucking pain in the ass it is to get it up on iTunes, because once you do get it up on iTunes, then they have to approve of it. As if to say, yes, this is in fact a podcast and beyond that we approve of it. So anyways, Jesus Christ, it's already one in the afternoon. I just went out to brunch with my lovely girlfriend

and I heard some fucking, oh my God, that goes back to my joke. You really go to brunch, do you? Did somebody have past now? Yeah, I went down to this fucking place and we're hanging out down there and this fucking dude, I don't know if he was gay, but he had the gay accent, which is always funny to me like there's a part of the country

that they're from, which is an old joke that I used to do. He was talking about daylight savings times. Oh my God, this is how it should be all the time. It's like this is Los Angeles. This whole getting out of work at five and it's dark out. It's like what is going on with that? That's like one of those things. Ever just hear somebody like that,

they're like such a fucking cliche that whoever you're with, you're just sort of staring down at your food and then when you look at the person that you're with, you don't move your head. You just slowly look up at each other and then all of a sudden it's like you're in grade school again who said the next person who fucking laughs is getting detention. It's one of those moments.

It was tight quarters so we couldn't like really start laughing at him, but I really wanted to lean over and be like, you know, part of the reason why it's so fucking dark out during the winter time is the whole planet, the northern hemisphere, tilts away from the sun there, fuck face. All right, so even in December, it would probably be dark around five despite the time change.

Actually maybe it wouldn't, maybe more like 5.40, 5.30 depending on where you're at, right? Am I ignorant? Of course I am, but as far as I know daylight savings is the bullshit time. Like right now it's not really one o'clock, we're just saying it's one o'clock. So the farm hands out in the Midwest can have more fucking time to harvest the beans

made out of corn products according to food ink, right? I don't fucking know, I have no idea why they do it, I just fucking... Why do I, every week I talk about shit that I don't know anything about, and it's the funniest shit, like I go into it and I start getting anxiety because I know I don't know what I'm talking about,

so what I literally try to do is I try to use like momentum. Like maybe if I say something dumb quickly, no one's gonna notice. I believe that that's exactly what it is. In my world that made sense. So on to today's topics. I was all excited to wake up this morning and watch the Chicago Blackhawks

against the Washington Capitals. Why may you ask? I'll tell you why, because I love the sport of hockey, and it's a good chance that those two teams could possibly meet in the finals, if not in the finals next year. They're two teams that are right there.

Alright? And everybody always betches how hockey stinks, and they always blame the fighting. They gotta get the fighting out of the fucking game. Alright, that's why nobody watches it. Well, I'm gonna give you an example of the NHL here. This is what they do today.

Okay, during the week, my Bruins played the Pittsburgh Penguins. And overall, Pittsburgh's a decent franchise. Respectable. I respect them. But they always seem to have one douchebag on the team. The Ulf Samuelson. You know, the guy who just can't fucking play. You know, he can't play.

He can't fucking fight. He can't even just skate around and annoy you, like a Ken Linsman back in the day. But what he does is he goes out there and he basically tries to end people's careers or their seasons. And that's what he did to Mark Savard. I didn't even know the fucking guy's name,

and I don't even want to know his name. Kind of like somebody goes up and shoots up a fucking mall so they can get famous. I always make sure I don't remember their fucking name, even though the news can't stop talking about him. So this fucking cunt just basically glides in after Savard took a shot. Granted, if he hit his body,

it's a legal hit, but he didn't. He took his shoulder slash elbow and just blasted him right in the fucking head. And he so only connected with his head that Savard literally helicoptered around and landed down on the ice. And not only was he not suspended or fined, there wasn't even a penalty.

I don't know what it is about the penguins. For some reason, they always have that one goon who can go in and just blow out Cam Neely's fucking knee and end his career. That guy just ended Savard's fucking season, our one goal scorer. And they do nothing. So the whole hockey world is flipping out

like, dude, what the fuck? So what do they do to make it up today? Washington Capitals versus the Chicago Blackhawks. They're one nationally televised game this week on NBC. You can actually watch it in HDTV. So while you fucking idiots out there who can't see the puck, I can't see it. Where is it? I can't see it. Fucking black object against a white surface.

Can't fucking see it. Why don't you start with looking at the guy that everybody appears to be mad at on the other team? Start with that guy. Maybe that's the guy who has the object that they desire. So anyways, you know what they do? They end up kicking fucking Ovechkin. They gave him a game misconduct out of the game

because he did some half that. I mean, it was a check that deserved a penalty, possibly a fucking double minor. And they kicked the best player in the league out of the fucking game on their national telecast. And I'm going to tell you right now, people, that is why. That is why nobody watches hockey because they continually make moves like that.

I don't know why. Every five years, they get back on ESPN and then they go, oh, wait a minute, the USA Network is offering us $5 more. Let's go over there. Let's go over to the versus network. How many people do you think would be watching the NFL throughout the years? They occasionally for three years would disappear onto like the learning channel.

You know what I mean? It really has nothing to do with the fighting. It's such a stupid fucking comment that people make. And it's hypocritical if you truly feel that, that fighting should be out of that game as much as the whole world enjoys violence. We love violence. Go on YouTube and look at the fucking ones that get the most hits.

We like to laugh and we like to watch somebody get fucked up. That's what I've learned from going on to YouTube. Oh, and people will find a way to talk politics or discuss race on any video that you stick up there. And speaking of that, dude, I was so fucking bummed out. I woke up an hour late, so I missed the first period, and then I find out a Vechkin isn't even fucking playing.

And it was the next thing you know, the Chicago Scores, it's 3-0. And the game's basically over. For those of you who don't watch hockey, 3-0 is basically, it's like being down 17 points in football. Sometimes 21 depending on how bad your fucking team is. So I was upset as a hockey fan. I still love the NHL and I still think

you guys should watch the game. I was actually watching a little bit of the Premier League because I'm going to Europe this week and the excitement of that has finally hit me. I'm not excited about the 17-hour or whatever it is, 15-hour flight from Los Angeles, but I'm beyond excited to go over there and have killer shows and to begin to build

the following over there. Because why not? Because you only go around once. I was going to get a tour of the fucking Abbey Road Studios and that fell through, so now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do over there. And for those of you who haven't been on my website, this week on Thursday,

I am playing at the Leicester Theatre in London, England. How fucking cool does that sound? Then I'm playing the Sugar Club in Dublin, Ireland on Friday. And then the next night I go to Glasgow, Scotland. A lot of you Americans like me are going to want to say glass gal because it looks like it's written like slow. You know, L-O-W, but it's gal.

Glass gal, Scotland. And I actually don't even know the fucking name of the theater I'm playing there. But it's going to be awesome. And I am coming off the wagon. My good buddy Joe DeRosa went 70 days sober, so I had to beat him because I'm a competitive fuck. And I was going to take myself off last night at 71 days.

Kind of like a nod to Roger Maris. 60 home runs, 61, 70, 71. But I decided fuck it. If I'm going to fall off the fucking wagon, it's going to be in a pub in London, England. That's when I'm going to do it. So I need you English people to tell me where there's a good pub. And by a good pub, I don't need some loud fucking bar

with a bunch of douchebags in it trying to act like they're cooler than they really are. I want some fucking... I want some place I can walk in that's a little bit quieter, but I'm not going to get the shit kicked out of me once they realize that I'm an American. Okay, I need to know that. I also need to know if I bring DVDs over there

to sell to you guys for pounds, euros, whatever the fuck you're on. I believe you guys haven't accepted the euro, but I think Ireland has. I need to know, do DVDs play the American code version, whatever the fucking technical term is, do those things play over there? Are they formatted correctly? Because I don't want to go over there and sell you guys

a bunch of shit that doesn't work, and then we got to... Then I'm like a bank, and then I got to be like, well, you know, that's really on you. You should have realized that I was from America with a different fucking DVD system than you do. So there you go. My sorry, my records only go back four minutes.

I really don't have any recollection of going over there. So anyways, I don't know what else to do over there. John Bonham's grave, you know? Maybe I'll go see that. What else could I do? I don't want to go do that douchey shit, go look Big Ben in Parliament. I don't want to look at that stuff.

I want to... I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to walk around. I want to look at someone who is... I want to do what people in London, England do. All right? That's what I want to do. Which is what?

Eat Indian food right after a plate full of fish and chips. I don't know what the fuck you guys do over there, but if you can tell me some stuff to do. I know Stonehenge. I've talked to enough Americans who've gone over there. It's basically sitting on the side of the road like a fucking Starbucks. It's very underwhelming.

Whenever they film it there, they're real close, and they make sure that they don't have the highway like 10 feet away from the fucking thing. I can't wait for somebody to fall asleep at the wheel and just drive right into that thing. That's going to be hilarious. So anyways, this is the podcast this week. I've been kind of cunty the last couple of weeks.

I've been in a bad move, but I'm in a much better mood this week. So I don't know if that'll make this less funnier or more tolerable. It's up to you. So here's some YouTube videos. Speaking of England, this is my nod to just something I discovered a few years ago

through this comedian, Jordan Rubin. I was the one on his MySpace page. Remember that? You remember MySpace? I was the last one. He had a clip of this on his page, and I actually checked it out. It's called The Prince of Wales,

and it's actually spelled W-H-A-L-E-S, like the mammal. And it's called Derrick and Clive, D-E-R-E-C... Oh, sorry, D-E-R-E-K and Clive, C-L-I-V-E, all right? And it's actually Dudley Moore and this guy, Peter Cook, who most Americans have never heard of. And it's basically... Just imagine if I was doing a podcast

with some other asshole about 30 years ago, and it's just them going off on stuff, and they made... When you watch the clip, it's them, I believe, recording the album. And it was just the most filthiest shit and offensive stuff that they could come up. They talk about religion.

A lot of stuff. A lot of stuff that actually I was watching it, and I was like, Jesus Christ, this is like the original podcast. It's completely over the top, and I guess it's Dudley Moore and Peter Cook, and I guess they were supposed to be... I don't know what they were supposed to be.

I mean, I don't live over there, obviously, so I don't know who they're supposed to be. I'm just imagining it's just a couple of kents. Kevin, I can't sit in a bar. I don't know what, but it's fucking hilarious to me, and I hope you enjoy it. All right? I have also, by the way,

I have a nice variety of YouTube videos. So if you're not into the comedy thing, if you want to see a beautiful woman with the most killer body I've ever seen in my fucking life, and an accent to match it, and her hair done up in fucking ponytails as she works out,

look up fitness, killer 550 rep workout. Fitness-killer 550 rep workout. I can't even remember the name of the girl. She's ridiculous, and she does this insane workout. She's in shape. I believe her titties are natural

unless she went to Dallas and got those tear-dropped fucking fake ones that I saw out there. And she just works out, and she looks unbelievable, and as she gets further into the set, she starts going like... Two more.

It's fucking awesome. And a comedian you should check out. Check out our Reggie Watts, RE-GGI-E-WATS, W-A-T-T-S. A lot of the shit he puts up there is this musical stuff that he does, I think because he doesn't want to burn his material, like most comedians,

but if you get a chance to see that guy, there you go, recommend a video and a comedian. Those are all on YouTube, and here's another last video I will recommend. There's something, break.com, and there's something called the Tree Terminator. And it's just one of those machines

that you're going to see that it just shows that human beings were just too fucking smart for our own goddamn good. Basically, this machine, for those of you who are on a treadmill right now, it just... It's like a big hand.

I don't know what it is. It looks like a backhoe, but it's really like a hand, and it just grabs these trees, pulls them right out of the ground, and then it... Imagine if you're like, okay, you fucking...

You threw a jab, right? Do that right now in your cubicles so everyone thinks you're fucking insane, and they just wait and have a fist so they don't think you're fucking listening to a Hitler video. Stick your hand out there like you're about ready to salute Hitler,

but have a fist so you don't offend anybody. And then just imagine if your arm right down to your wrist wouldn't move yet, your fucking hand could do an entire fucking 360. That's what this device does, except you're holding a tree,

and then what it does is it fucking somehow holds the tree in place with, I don't know what, some device in there, and then it loosens its grip and it goes up and down the tree, like it's jacking it off horizontally, but what it's really doing

is removing all the branches and the leaves. So then all you're left with is the fucking, is the trunk with the bark still on it. It gives it another fucking jack, and now it's, you know, back and forth a few times. Now all it is is just this round spool

of wood, and then it doesn't stop there. Then it goes all the way down to, I guess, where the balls would be, right? It's very fucking phallic here. And then when it starts at the base of the shaft, it goes up about three,

and then, that was supposed to be it slicing in half. I really fucking blew it on that. That was the worst sound effect ever. That's not what it does in one. That's what it did. That's the right sound effect. See, no Michael Winslow here this week.

And it just, in sections, like little fucking six foot sections of wood, and I'm telling you, it can do it one tree every like 20 seconds. And this guy is just, one guy with the machine is just basically going through this forest. So we can all have baseball bats.

I don't know what. Just, you know, but on the amount of time it took me to fucking explain that, you could have looked it up and watched it. I'm such an idiot. All right, what do I got here? What's coming up next?

What's the next subject here on the Monday morning podcast? Oh, here's something. It's called Let's Get Smart. It's an explanation, explanation point. I'm desperately trying to become a, the smartest moron that I can become.

And I've actually, through that lumosity.com, I'm becoming a better speller. And these are some of the words that I've been trying, one of the games I've been trying to come up with, but I don't know how to spell them. So then I just write them down and I give myself spelling tests.

Aesthetic, aggressive, alleged, bizarre, catamaran, cantaloupe, catalyst, catalyst, chloroform, disingenuous, facetious. You know, you know what's great about it? These are all words that you can use in print, but if you actually use them while speaking, you come off like a douchebag, at least in the circle of people that I'm hanging out with.

I can't use the word infrastructure. Can I use the word melancholy? Anybody else spell melancholy? You used to spell it M-E-L-L-O-N, K-O-L-L-Y, like I did. I wasn't that bad, but it was pretty brutal. Like succinct. I was playing this game,

and you ever do that when you're texting and you come up with a word that you so can't even spell, like your brain literally locks. And like succinct, I was like, how the fuck do you spell this? S-A-S-A-S-I-N-K-E-D. You know, the past tense of sync,

or like sync something up, C-Y-C. I think I spelled it S-U-S-Y-C. And then laughed and hit enter, and then the computer was like, um, did you mean succinct? You know when Google gets all cunty like that? Um, I believe what you were trying to say was, really, I believe we fucking made you.

That might have been, my girl just laughed at me. Neil, was that one of the dumbest things I've ever said on this? That was pretty fucking stupid. Yeah, I believe we made you. You know what? In 30 years when I lead the rebellion against the robots that are, uh,

that are gonna replace us, that's gonna be our battle cry. When we're standing there with our P90X bodies, and I'll be standing there getting a sunburned, just standing there with half a blue face going, um, I believe we made you. Don't move.

Don't move until their screen shuts down. That's the lights of their eyes. It does have an echo. Come over here if you're gonna be on the podcast. It does have an attitude. It's trying to help you out. It's not mocking you. Yeah, it is.

Well, you know something? I guess it all depends on the voice in your head, because did you mean this? The only thing it's missing, it should just have, um, dot, dot, dot, in front of it. Yeah. What the fuck was that? Yeah, you're supposed to continue.

That just made it sound like it bombed you. Yeah. All right, move on. Where are you going? Can you talk about your, uh, your little, uh, Russian mail order bride that you watch on YouTube there? Oh, how hot is she? You gotta admit.

She's hot. She's very hot. Would you? What I would. Make out with her? I'm not answering that question. That's a yes. See?

Fucking champ right here. Fucking champ. Maybe we'll see her when we're over there and, uh... And where? She looks like she's doing pull-ups in some war-torn country. When she's on that, when she's on that roof top, and she's doing all her squat thrusts and making noises like a porno star.

Doesn't she look like she's in the middle of something? Like they just bombed her? First of all, she's, she's tired after her set. She's tired after a set. Oh, you're so tired. Seven. I'm tired of you fucking talking about it. That's what I'm tired of.

So what do you think about that? I think that brings it full circle to me having an attitude about Google. I didn't ask, you know, I didn't ask her to put it up there. Why can't I enjoy one of God's beautiful voices? Enjoy one of God's beautiful creatures. Please. Give me a fucking break. Fuck you.

Every time you see Kevin Garnett on the screen, you got to make that fucking... Oh, yeah. Yeah, see, go fuck yourself. Get out of here. Can I see your brush for a second? No! Let me just see. Ow!

Get out. Get out. Beat it. I have to leave in 20 minutes. You have to leave in 20 minutes? Well, call a cab, sweetheart. No way. You know what?

Nothing. Google attitude with me. Um, I have to leave in 20 minutes. No one's stopping you. Hey, Nia, how do you spell sysync if you're so fucking smart? Because I told you how to spell it the other day. Fuck you. Shut up.

Shut your face. Watch? Why don't I listen? Watch. Sysync. S-U-C-C-I-E-N-T. Ah, you stink. Is that not it?

No, it isn't. Can I tell you something? This is when you know you don't know how to spell a word, when for some reason you're looking to the right or left, and there's nobody there. You don't know how to spell it. S-U-C-C-I-E-N-C-T. No. S-U-C-C-I-N-C-T.

Sysync. There's no E? No. That's a hard one. Phacetious. It's like facetious, right? Like how you say it? F-A-E.

Oh my God. F-E. I can't breathe with you. We're going to have the dumbest kid ever. It's a baby boy, B-O-I. We're not going to be, well, it'll go, that's why it has school and teachers for dumb parents. Did you just say that's why it has school and teachers? Do you see what cell phones are doing to us?

I'm telling you. That's why, good Lord, would you look at you. Wow. Anyways, that's why they make them beautiful. You just bombed the spelling test. Wow. You're not a good speller. Really?

Well, those are too difficult. Okay. Phacetious is facetious. F-A-C-E-T-I-O-U-S. So I'm actually sitting here like a psycho, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. And I'm just sitting here writing sentences that don't really make any sense, because I just want to use all the words that I've used, that I've learned, I mean. The malodorous melancholy of the psychotic critics was aesthetically pleasing despite their silhouette.

The capitulation of the inmate's penitentiary argument could be stated that one doesn't need an exquisite repertoire. Merely a succinct dilemma with a sociopath. Nice fucking restaurant. Sorry, I ran out of words. I just remember all I had left was restaurant. And I was like, I need one more sentence. And I was tired. Whatever, fuck you.

You spell some of those words. But I'm saying like, just listen to how I speak. Okay, and how many words I mispronounce. And I've lied to myself for years that the reason why I make such a fool of myself is because my brain works so quickly that it's ahead of where my tongue is at. And that's not fucking true. All right, I'm here to tell you that I am an idiot. And I'm really trying desperately to...

I've come to the acceptance that I'm a moron. But I just want to be... But I still don't feel even... I still feel like I can at least improve on... I can become less of a moron. All right? So this is basically what I've been doing as I've been saying in the past couple of weeks. I've been writing with my right hand because I'm left-handed.

And I've been throwing with my left hand because I do sports with my right hand. I'm a fucking mess. But I guess it opens different parts of your brain. And I was talking about it and sounding like a moron as always. How do you spell cantaloupe? There's a good one, huh? You know, cantaloupe? Well, you know those days when you're like, I got to get in shape yet you still go out for breakfast

and you still get the pancakes and the eggs. But you go, you know what? I'm not going to get the home fries. Let me get a fruit cup instead. You know? And then they have that look on their face like, holy shit. Nobody orders the fruit cup. That's why I forgot it was even on the fucking menu.

And then they go out there and they bring this fruit cup back out to you, right? And it's always that little, you know, it's got a couple of grapes. It's got a melon and it's got cantaloupe. And it has little fucking moldy tentacles reaching to each piece of fruit. Cantaloupe. I love cantaloupe. A lot of people don't know that about myself. And for the life of me, I couldn't spell it.

I spelt it like cantaloupe. Like, you can'taloupe. You have to have a wedding. This is how you spelt. C-A-N-T-A-L-O-U-P-E. If I haven't bored you to fucking tears at this point, nothing I'll talk about will. Let's move on to the next one.

So basically I was talking about that stuff where you actually use your opposite hand. It all started with this some comic down the comedy store. I can't remember who the fuck it was because my brain's mush was talking about how that improves your brain. And actually if you're left-handed and use your right hand for stuff that you usually use with your left hand, it actually improves your left hand, allegedly. So this scientist, I'm going to call him a scientist, right? He said, Bill, in your podcast when you talk about using your opposite hand and learning to write with it, the term is called neuroplasticity, or blame plasticity.

I don't know how the fuck to say it. What you are doing is retraining your brain. That's the science behind brain fitness. Here is a nice little article about it on p-o-s-i-t-science.com. And actually, you know something, I've actually seen someone who did something like that. Every morning, me and my lovely girlfriend go for this hike. And when we first moved out here, there was this guy who clearly just had a stroke. And he would walk up the hill.

He was like, I'm talking a serious like hike here. And this guy was going like, you know, a half, not even a quarter of a mile an hour. I was almost going to say a half a mile every two hours, and I quickly did the math. See, I'm getting smarter. And stop laughing at me. So I like this. I like you coming in and out of the room laughing. So I know that you're kind of like a little mini studio audience.

So I know that at least some of this is funny. So anyways, this fucking guy is walking with a cane. And it's one of those deals where you're like, there's no way he's going to make it up to the top. And every morning we would see this guy, you know, if we left at the same time. And then we go a couple of weeks, we wouldn't see him. And he just kept getting better and better and better. And how unbelievable did that guy look the last time? It was his arm and all straightened out.

His left leg was working again. Somebody should have made a documentary about that. Because that's the part of the movie where we would have been crying as opposed to being like, I haven't seen you a couple weeks. You look great. If you're going to talk, come over towards the microphone. I was saying we were with my mom when we saw him. Right. And how did that add to the story? See, this is why women stink at telling stories.

You know what? You're an asshole. Yeah, but paint this. No, but paint the story about the thing that we're seeing. My mother was there and I saw Robin right next to a squirrel. So anyways, using your opposite hand, he's just like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know what, Nia, just sit there and look pretty. All right. So anyways, if you guys, I'm telling you, you can make yourself stroke proof.

That's stroke proof, but you can, you can, you don't have to go through the rehab. Just blow the doctor's mind. You know, as you're writing a check with your opposite hand for how much they overcharged you and you're already rubbing one out. You're staring at your fucking, was it bed nurse? Is that what it is? Wet nurse, whatever the fuck they cut. Wet nurse, is that breastfeeding? Wasn't there something in the news about breastfeeding this week?

Something about somebody who drinks breast milk and they're wavy on the age. Did John Mayer do another interview for a magazine? You don't like John Mayer? He's a fucking moron. He's not a fucking moron. Okay, what are you basing that on? Everything that comes out of his douchebag mouth. Well, look at him.

Give me an example. That whole controversy that came out recently, the interview that he gave with Playboy Magazine, you know, totally talking shit about everybody. Wow. First of all, it wasn't a controversy. Really, was it writing in the streets? It was controversial. It was controversial. He got on stage and started like fake tearing up and apologizing to his fans and being like, I'm sorry. I was trying to be clever.

I just thank you guys so much for sticking by me and blah, blah, blah and all that. Wow. Yeah. He went here to tear up about it? He's so in on that. Jesus. I haven't seen that since Marlon Brando went off on J-Town over there. J-Town.

You don't remember that? When he did that? I gotta keep it funny. The end of his life. He wrote the prologue to the, what's his face to say, Martin Scorsese, Mel Brooks, Mel Gibson, his little rant. Yeah. And just this whole thing about how black people love him because he's, what did he say? Because I'm very whatever that means.

And then the interviewer who admittedly I think asked a douchey question that kind of set him up was like, oh, do black women throw themselves at you? And he was like, he said something like, yeah, but my dick rejects them. Like I have a white, I have a United Colors of Benetton Hart and a white supremacist dick. Yeah, but you can see how he's trying to make a joke. He plays at ukulele, okay? His comic timing's a little off. You can see where he's going with that. He knows what he likes.

He knows what he likes. He goes out and he tags it, you know, with his fucking updated mullet. Look, if you're going to be like, go get another microphone. If you're going to keep interjecting here, I was trying to do a podcast. You keep interrupting. I've had enough of this. I'm joking. You fucking control me with that pouty face.

It's fucking annoying. All right. Recommending books for the week sales. Yeah. Exactly. Well, Oprah does it. I can fucking do it. But at least I have the honesty.

At least I'm honest enough to say I don't read them, Nia, as you sit there looking into Oprah's eyes. Here's another wonderful book that I didn't read, but my intern said it was great. A book. Bill, I enjoy the podcast. You have to check out a book called The Creature from Jekyll Island. It's a book about how the Federal Reserve was started and they planned to be able to have a system in place from the start that would enable certain large banks from being bailed out if shit went down.

Apparently they've bailed out banks before just not a public. Oh, that's fucking brilliant. So basically they become the bank for all the banks and then what they do is they bail out some of them every time they tank the economy and some of them they don't. And those things get consumed by the other banks that exist and so on and so forth. Just like it's like a reverse prel commercial instead of telling two friends and so on and so on and so on. They're going the opposite direction all the way towards One World Bank, which is why,

what are we down to now? We're down to Chase, Wells Fargo, Bank of America, and John Mellencamp. Trust. Doesn't he have one out there for the farmers next to that little pink house? Say it's your job, old horse. Sure don't make it right. You want me to say a prayer for you so long. All right.

Also you should look up a recent article in Philadelphia about how more than a dozen armed state police raided a few small ale houses in Philly to confiscate in air quotes unregistered beer. They basically stole over seven grand worth of pricey beer, most of which was most of which was actually registered but not accurately due to a clerical errors made on the end of the city. So it was the city's fault. Dude, that's fucking hilarious.

I know that's bad. I know that's mean. They shouldn't be doing that shit. But, you know, they stole beer. I mean, come on. It's like Paulie in the Pope of Greenwich Village. I didn't rape his daughter. I didn't spit in his fat face.

I took money, Charlie. Fucking money. They stole some beer. Whatever. They want to have a keg party. Yeah, what are you going to do? All right. Here's one for you.

I talked about going to the Cloud Nine Titty Bar in Troy, New York, and there's actually an article on there about this fucked up strip club that I went to a number of years ago. February 1st, 2008, city police shut down the Cloud Nine and adult entertainment business. That's because they have the video store next to it. I believe that's out in the garage. For those of you who didn't listen last week, it's a titty bar that you walk into and it's like walking into somebody's house. And the second you walk in there, you want to leave, but there's so few people in there.

They all look at you. Literally that moment where the needle goes off the record or the laser goes off the CD or the iPod skips. I don't know what the fuck to say about nowadays, but how to say it now for nowadays technology. But anyways, city shut down the Cloud Nine because this afternoon for multiple code violations and charged a 46-year-old dancer, a 46-year-old dancer with prostitution, city officials said. See, that's for all you dancers out there. That's what happens.

When you're in your 20s, you can have an attitude, but if you're 46 years old and you're still dancing, you better drop to your fucking knees, sweetheart, if you want to make the rent. All the more reason to stop lying that you're going to college and actually use that funny money to go to college. All right? Or you'll be working in the Cloud Nine at 46. Wow. You know what?

I'm going to copy and paste that. I'm going to print that sentence and put it right above my desk. Anytime I'm feeling bad about my life, I'll be like, well, at least I'm not a 46-year-old dancer charged with prostitution. At the Cloud Nine in Troy, New York, the raid followed a five-week undercover investigation. Yeah, how hilarious is that? Where the undercover cop got blown by the 46-year-old in which Troy and Rensselaer police officers observed dancers engaged in illicit sexual activities. Dude, this wreaks of a shakedown. Like the cops didn't know that was going on.

I did a college gig out there and figured out what the fuck was going on in about four hours. What happened? Did this 46-year-old stop giving the free blowjobs to the cops? Speaking of which, you know, I heard that asshole in the Prius who couldn't stop his car. Have you guys seen that story? Allegedly. Oh, that girl's titties are fake, by the way. I'm looking at her right now.

The tits are fake, Nia. My fault. Wow. That knocks her looks down by 40%. I got to say, there's nothing worse than fake tits. It's just nothing. That really just says something about you. That's right up there with hair plugs.

That just says, you know, I don't know what that's, I don't know. I'm starting to change my fucking attitudes. I guess if you want bigger tits, you think that's bad, Nia, if you go out and get big fake tits? Those are fake, right? Look at those. Those are fake. Probably. You know?

I don't know. Well, when they're round all the way up to the top, they look fake in that picture. They don't in the training video. You're not near the microphone, okay? You just sound like some crazy person in a closet. You look adorable. What are you getting all dolled up for? Fuck you.

I don't buy it. What are you, you meet some hipster? Is that what happened? With his Vans skateboarding shoes and his ironic AC DC T-shirt. Or Hardcastle McCormick backpack. Fucking assholes. They mock everything I loved when I was a kid. Remember Hardcastle McCormick?

You know, he's had a cool car, some chicky wanted a fucking bang, and then the old guy who was too old for this shit. It's all you needed. Ba-ba-ba-da-ba. Alright, so anyways, this guy had a Prius. He couldn't stop the car, so he had to call the cops. I can't believe I fell for that one. And people going, he was going like 90 miles an hour.

Really, in the middle of the day, and he had time to call the fucking police. They caught up with him, and he didn't hit anybody. Anybody out there driven 90 miles an hour in the middle of the afternoon? I don't even give a fuck, even if you're in Kansas. There's going to be some asshole driving fucking 50 in the left lane. So evidently, that guy has a history of reporting back injuries and that type of stuff. So I actually, the more I'm thinking about this, I'm really thinking that this is what Chrysler did to the Suzuki Samurai

when it was outselling the Jeep. They started a rumor that it tipped over going two miles an hour, which wasn't true, but everybody heard it, and everybody stopped buying them, and that was it. They fucked me on the resale value of my car. Who the fuck is going to buy my Prius? They're not, even if I have all the documentation. I swear to God, they fixed it.

I think the fucking Prius is becoming today's Pinto. What do you think about that? I think I just wanted to that point where this podcast should have fucking ended, or if you want to see more videos of this fucking smoking hot chick, maybe she just got fake tits. It's BodyRock.com. Did I just get a look from you, Nia? She is. She's smoking hot.

Exactly. Thank you. All right, let's wrap this shit up here. I don't know if I have time to read this. These things are getting too fucking long. Let's end with this, reality TV. Bill, I'm originally from Boston. I heard you. I was listening to Greg Fitzsimmons podcast,

or as he refers to it, Fitzdog Radio. And this guy writes, Beyond the Outer Limits of Gay. The guy's on the wrong side of 40, and he's still referring to himself with the sub-Ibonic hip name, with some sub-Ibonic hip name. You know what it really is?

It's because most people are too fucking stupid to spell Fitzsimmons. I know, Fitzdog. Yeah, that's from back in the day. Oh, Fizzy. Yeah, Fizzy. Well, you know what? It's a great fucking show, and now I'm going to plug it.

Fitzdog Radio. And the fact that you trashed it, I didn't even notice that it, I guess it's gay. I'm just, I'm on the wrong side of 42. 40 also, I should say. Anyways, just wanted to say, I listened to your most recent podcast, and I loved it.

You sound exactly like my old friend Kevin Burke. Ba-ba-ba-ba, thank you all this shit. Anyways, you referred to reality TV in your podcast, and I couldn't agree with you more. Nobody will remember these assholes as soon as season two comes around. Bring back scripted TV. I don't care if I lose my job. At least I'll have my integrity back.

I unfortunately work in reality TV and can tell you from my experience, every cast member I've ever had the unpleasant chance to chat with thinks he or she was meant to be on television. None of these fucking pathetic shitheads ever put in any hard work into it, making a career out of being on TV. And, uh, I've never made,

never put any hard work into making a career out of being on TV. They make me sick, and I have to work with them a lot. Well, that's a tough fucking situation. Um, well, you know what, as much as I made fun of that, that cast from the Jersey Shore actually came back for 10 grand an episode. And, uh, I want to make a prediction. I think that that next season is going to fail miserably.

Because they're taking them out of the Jersey Shore. And now that they're going to take them down to, uh, I believe Miami Beach, which might be a mistake. That's like when a sitcom has kind of jumped the shark and they don't know what else to do. So they do the trapped in a cabin episode, or Greg's trapped in a fucking meat locker with Bobby. And Bobby doesn't like being small.

And now he likes being small because he can crawl through that little fucking window. That's, that's when, that's when the show is fucking over. When Fonzie has to put a fucking jump the shark with his leather jacket still on. What are some other ones there? Oh, you got to fucking introduce a cute little kid. Or your dog pukes on the floor. Cleo.

Fucking love this dog. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Hopefully it's up on iTunes. If it isn't, we're working on it. I don't know what to tell you. We're fucking working on it. And I appreciate that people are getting so mad at me that I haven't been able to figure it out

or hire somebody at this point, because that means you give a shit, you know? All right, that's it for the podcast. I'll have video next week up on billburr.com of my wonderful trip to London, Dublin, and in Glasgow, Scotland. And I'm coming off the wagon in a hard fucking way. All right, so I'm going to be back next week.

A little more bloated, a little dumber, and a little something else, so it's the magic number of three. All right, you guys have a great week. Except for love. Love, oh, you know where. Now I can't see. I just stay.

I'm still alive. I'm still alive. I'm still alive. I'm still alive. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy

from NS Noveltease. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas, along with all NS Noveltease. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie, in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis

with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com.