Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-16-17

Episode Date: March 17, 2017

Bill rambles about hot labels, Anthropoid and being naked and afraid.

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Blakely's flooring.com and experience the Blakely's difference. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. You know, you almost threw the week. Some of you get paid today.

Some of you don't. I don't know how it fucking works. But, um, yeah, I've just had to check in on you just for the fucking half an hour. I hope you guys enjoyed the very special edition of the Monday morning podcast that was put out yesterday with the great, the great Jim Norton, promoting his new standup special that you can watch now on Netflix, mouthful of shame. I've heard nothing but great things about it. I have yet to see it because, you know, I only got so much fucking time now with the

little kid, I'll run it around who just, it just keeps getting better every day, just keeps getting better every day. I don't know what the fuck people complain about, about having a kid. It's fucking awesome. Oh my God, you got to pick up toys as opposed to what sitting alone in your apartment, all the free time in the fucking world slowly drinking yourself to death. Cause I'll tell you, I've been up both sides of the fence, like in this side a little better. That's saying every once in a while, every once in a while, I don't have to visit my

old friends at my fucking 83, 76ers level bar that I have. I always throw, I always give a shout out to the 83, 76ers. Cause everybody talks about the 96 bowls. Everybody talks about the 27 Yankees. What about the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers? Huh? I would love to throw the 86 Celtics in there, but the fucking Lakers choked against the Houston Rockets.

So, I mean, it was sort of a, you know, when in the 80s, it didn't meet, you didn't really feel like you won a championship unless you beat the Celtics of the Lakers. That's basically it. That's, that's my, you know, no disrespect to Ralph fucking Samson. No fucking disrespect to Kim, Elijah one. You see on that team, they have fucking treat. No tree Rollins was Atlanta. I don't remember.

They had very similar uniforms in my memory bank. In fact, I think they had the exact same colors. Just Houston Rockets was less busy, more traditional. Like the Detroit Red Wing Jersey, simple red and white Toronto, blue and white. It's it. It's over. These are our colors. Fuck you.

Somebody please explain to me how the Tampa Bay fucking lightning also can wear blue and white. I don't understand that. You know, it's like the Pittsburgh penguins. When they came back wearing black and gold, it's like, what the fuck? Bartnick told me that the original fucking hockey team in Pittsburgh did wear black and gold, but then yeah, but then you fold it and you left it on the table. It's like when you don't renew your fucking website, somebody else is going to get it.

I don't know what I'm talking about. All I know is I have to plow through this next fucking half an hour just to see how you're doing. Whatever, maybe I'm going to catch you on the ride home. You know, worst case scenario, you got one fucking day left. Use a sick day. Take a three day weekend. You know, you know, I was actually thinking now is this is the time of year where this

spring break, I wonder what kids do nowadays. There's got to be a way where they can get out of the view of the constant surveillance of your parents. Now, you know what I mean? Jesus Christ. By the time my daughter gets to that fucking age, I'll probably be able to have a drone like hovering over her for the entire fucking existence. I'll just shout down from the sky, you know, honey, don't go to that party.

Just freaking around. She'll be looking up like, dad. So sick of my dad hovering over me in a home in a fucking whatever the fuck it's called that will literally be helicopter parenting. Those fucking drones. I went to something recently and I guess the gift bag was a drone. It's like, why would you give people those things? It's not intrusive enough, all this fucking technology, that all these fucking weirdos.

You know what I mean? I want to know the first time a drone is going to seriously give somebody brain damage because the operator was trying to jerk off while they were trying to operate it. It's hovering over somebody's fucking house, you know, trying to come down near the bathroom. There's already perverts doing that. Perverts fascinate me, man. They fascinate me. They say, why can't you just walk up and say hello?

They can't do it. But then they have these needs, right? So then they got to peek around the corner, you know, speaking of peeking, peeky blindess. One of my favorite fucking shows that's come on over the last five years. I was on an airplane flying back from Austin from the South by Southwest Festival, which I can't tell you another time when you would not want to be in Austin, you know? I mean, it's great for films and that type of shit, but it's just like, I don't know, man. I don't know what happened to that city.

I've been going there for the last 20 years. It just gets more and more crowded. It's like a bunch of sweaty hippies with L.A. level traffic. That's what South by Southwest is. And I don't know what it is. Every white person in Austin during that week, they all look like they play hacky set. You know, I don't know. There's just something about the disheveled on purpose college age white kid that I knew.

Even when I went to college, I wasn't like that, you know, fucking combed my hair when I still had hair, right? I didn't try to fucking look like I lived out on the street. It was like a big guy thing back then to try to look all fucking disheveled. I could barely take care of myself. Look at my college ID. Look at my crazy picture. It's like, dude, you did all of this on this whole fucking thing is on purpose. The end of the fucking day.

If you're backs against the wall, you can call your mom and dad. All right, so fucking comb your hair and put on a clean shirt. All right, you cunt. I'm sorry. Why did I say all of that? Anyways, I, um, this was my day. I actually was flying out there at that day to do the all things comedy podcast and then fly right back. So I, uh, I'm like, this is great.

I've always wanted to go to the airport and just have like nothing and just walk in, you know, like Leonardo DiCaprio and catch me if you can. Maybe just come fucking walking in wearing this little fucking, I know how to fly a plane outfit. That's what the fuck I wanted to do minus that outfit. So I put on sweatpants, you know, and I would have a fucking t-shirt jacket and I had my change of clothes and toiletries in this backpack and that was fucking it. All right. Went in there like a goddamn drifter and I get all the way to the airport and I realize I forgot my fucking wallet. Right. So I can't get on the fucking plane because I don't have any form of identification.

I don't have my college ID man from back in the day. And, um, what did I have? Um, I ended up having to go. I didn't know what to do. I was like, I'm going to miss this fucking part. And I'm actually thinking now that my dad actually did grow my hair out a little bit in college, but I still dress respectfully. Maybe I was a hybrid. I can't fucking remember.

We're still fucking long ago. Anyways, so I fucking get to the airport. I don't have my goddamn ID and I don't know what the fuck to do. And I have to make this, this podcast because there's advertisers and all that type of shit. You can't say this is the lineup. This is the projected amount of people that are going to listen. It's a business and then not show up and take that fucking money. So, uh, I didn't know what to do.

So I ended up, uh, for the first time ever, I flew private and blew a fucking ton of cash. So I'm going to be playing a bunch of casinos coming up to make up for the money that I, uh, that I spent on that. I flew out of Van Nuys, like a fucking rock star, lit up my card, literally glowing in my pocket. I had to fucking drive home, get my wallet, fly out, you know, drive out there and then sit there and then talk to these fucking savages. Just being like, oh, you need a plane right now. Oh yeah, really? That'll be a million bucks. And I'm like, fuck you, man. I'm calling somebody else. And they're like, it'll be a half a million.

I'm like, fuck you. And all you do is you just keep calling people. And after a while, you just start saying numbers. And, um, I got to, I got to weigh the fuck down for whatever they first quoted me. I halved it, got it down to half that, but still cost a fucking zillion bucks. So, uh, I get on the plane, talking to the pilots. They're like right fucking there. It was a smaller plane.

Like when I went to take a piss, I'm like, do you guys have a bathroom here? They're like, yeah, they do. And they had to move the snacks. And then they closed their little door and I'm taking a piss right on the other side of the fucking door. And like, you can't stand up in the plane. So I am stand up, but I'm acting like I have osteoporosis and I'm trying to take a fucking piss. And there's, there's an angle you have to be at so you don't piss on your own fucking sweatpants, but eventually the velocity of the urine coming out of your dick is going to slow down

and it's going to come towards your clothes. So then you got to make a decision. What am I, how am I going to do this? How far down am I going to pull my pants? What the fuck's going on like that weird kid? Remember that weird kid when you were in elementary school? You went in to take a piss and the kid had his pants all the way down around his ankles. It's like, why didn't you just fucking unzip your fly?

You know, what's going on here? So, and then the whole time I'm just thinking like, how is this better than flying on a commercial airline? I don't get it. You know, if you're flying business at first, if you bump yourself up, I am one and done on that shit. I just think it's the, it's a colossal fucking waste of money. And I have the glowing fucking credit card right now to prove it. And there's just no money in it. The fucking people who rent the planes are barely making any money.

The pilots don't make any money. All the pilots want to eventually fly for commercial, a commercial airline, right? I mean, they're still flying commercial private. They want to fly for like, you know, one of the major airlines is what I'm trying to say. So one of the pilots came back and he's talking to me. And he's like, yeah, we got some beers here. And I'm like, I'm on the wagon, but I'm like, what the fuck? I spent all this money.

I got to have a beer. So I drank a Coors light, like the white trash cunt that I am. And he's sitting there talking to me. And I'm all fascinated with the, all the aviation aspects of it. And I'm sitting there looking at the guy and he had a tear in his slacks right at his knee. Like there was a, like a, like a vertical slice. Like he was in a knife fight and just somebody sliced it a little bit. And I was just going like, there's no fucking money in this.

What this guy is doing right now, defying the law of gravity, getting me from Los Angeles to Austin. He doesn't get lost. He knows where to go. He knows what altitude to fly at. We had a nice fucking landing. Maybe my life is literally in this guy's hand and they don't pay this guy enough money that he can fly this fucking jet without a pair of pants that are fucking ripped. You know, maybe that's why all those kids fucking annoyed me. You know what is, I didn't, you know, when I was in Austin, because I'm seeing a guy who actually really is struggling flying a fucking jet and he has fucking a ripped slacks.

Who knows, maybe he just had a rough night. Hey, you had a rough one. Maybe he just passed out. I don't fucking know. Anyways, I remember when I was in college and yeah, like I was never that fucking rebel guy. I remember walking by this chick one time and I just had like mainstream clothes on. I had like a polo shirt and regular shit. I remember I walked by and she just goes, ooh, hot labels.

I just want to be like, you fucking goth cunt. You look like every other fucking goth cunt here. You guys all, I don't know what fucking every blacks, everything painted black store. You fucking walk in. You all have the same fucking makeup. You all have the same fucking lipstick. Yeah, I just, you know, because there's no goth food court. You feel like you're out of, you're out of the reach of the corporations.

I'll never forget that. Ooh, hot labels. And I kind of liked her too. Because a lot of those goth chicks were cute, you know, if you could get past the fucking, you know, nowadays I would actually, I would totally steer clear of them. Knowing what I know. It's like, oh God. Let me, I would have one question. Do you or do you not hate your parents?

You do and see you. I'm not fucking going through that shit. Those fucking long talks about everything that they did to you. You know, hey, you know what, my parents did shit too, you know, and I'm a parent now and I'm going to do shit, you know, that doesn't mean you got to fucking walk around dressed like you're in a wake. Okay. I mean, why are you dressed like that? Because you got bullied. Now look at you.

Now you're just bringing this shit onto yourself. What are you waiting for bullies to become enlightened and be like, oh, I guess people have the right to be different. It's not going to happen. So at the very least, if you're going to walk around like that, at least at some point, take the makeup off, go into a dojo and learn some fucking MMA shit so you can protect yourself. So I guess in the end of the day, I'm not really attacking goth people. I'm really saying, how about fuck her? She still judged me, right? Ooh, hot labels.

I've said one of those things where you walk and you kind of stop for half a second and then you is it worth it? It's not worth it. I just kept going. I forget what her fucking name was. It was either Natasha or Brooke, which was always a fucking hot girl name when I was growing up. Never really saw a Brooke that wasn't good looking. Natasha's were good looking. Debbie's Debbie's were fun.

Debbie's were fun girl. It's weird. Like you give you give a fucking person a name. You know what I mean? It was like Bill, you know, just blending in Bill lost in the crowd. Oh, mainstream bill with his corporate clothes just walking down the street. I did have the red afro for a while when I got into fucking radio. I fucking grew it out a little bit.

And I think I had the beard. Oh, that's when I got into drums and I was trying to be in a band and that's right. I was trying to grow my hair out and it just went out, which would have been cool in the 60s of 70s. I would have looked like Bernie from room 222, but by the 80s, it wasn't cool. You had to have the long fucking hand. It just never worked for me. The comedy gods, they just pulled me in. It's like, listen, Bill, you look like a douche, no matter what you do.

Okay. You're not a good looking guy. You look like a fucking freak. Okay. The only hope for you is to stand on stage and make fun of yourself and make a little bit of money. Why don't you, why don't you cash in on your orange afro? You know, I think that that's what was going on. And eventually that's what I did.

That is exactly what I did. And then when I was making enough money in the business, the comedy gods said, okay, you don't need your orange afro anymore. And they took it from me. I don't have the fuck I'm talking about. Oh, I know what I wanted to bring up two weeks in a row. I'm going to give you a great movie. I told you, I saw Jordan Peele's get out, which is so fucking such a great movie. And so, you know, different from everything else that's out there.

I'm actually going to enjoy watching Hollywood now try to rip that movie off. It's like get out meets people who don't know how to make a get out. I think they're going to do the Latino version. However, you say get out in a Latino, you know. Serato Vamanos. I don't know what the fuck you say. I'm starting to remember Sesame Street. We had enter and exit.

Abiento. Serato. Oh, that was close. I don't fucking remember. I don't know. You know, whatever. Some fucking white guy will get a Rosetta Stone and he'll figure out how to say it. I'll try to rip off that movie.

That was a great movie. And this week I was on the plane ride back from Austin. Wait a minute typing in my password. And I saw the guy from Peaky Blinders. Killian Murphy. Don't know nothing about no robbery. Oh, fuck you with the fucking password. Hang on a second.

God damn it. Come on. There we go. It's called, I hope I say this right. It's anthropoid, A-N-T-H-R-O-P-O-I-D. And it's based on, they say, the extraordinary true story of Operation Anthropoid, the World War II mission to attempt to assassinate SS General Reinhard Heinrich. And what I love is it's a story I never heard, you know, granted I don't fucking read.

And it takes place in Czechoslovakia and Prague. And I had no idea. I knew that Germany, you know, they lost, I guess, Austria in World War I. And then, you know, A-Star came back and he's just like, oh, he should have that? And then he just took fucking Austria. And nobody in Europe did anything. And everybody's just like, well, maybe that's, maybe they'll just be happy with that.

And we won't get involved in this fucking World War thing again. And then I thought he went immediately to Poland. But evidently, old fucking evil Charlie Chaplin himself went to Czechoslovakia. I had no idea. And made me want to read up on the subject. And it's a fucking amazing, amazing movie. And it's one of those movies where what they're talking about, the behavior was so heroic. As you're watching it, you're actually sort of squirming going like, how would I react?

I would hope that I would be one of these, you know, the good guys here, as opposed to the person just trying to blend in. Well, they're not coming after me and I just sort of do whatever the fuck they see. You know, choose like self-preservation, which I got to be honest with you. Like, I would never fault a parent for doing that. Because once you get your kid, like you're just like so focused on your fucking kid, you just like fuck all adults, you know, not fuck all adults. It's just like, well, I'm not creating a situation where I got a kid, you know.

But you'd like to think like, you know what, fuck that. I'm going to teach my kid how to shoot a fucking Uzi and let's go Nazi hunting. You know, you'd like to think that you were that person. As opposed to sitting there quietly eating your soggy corn flakes. You know, this is the thing about being a coward is if nobody else knows, you'll forgive yourself. You know, it's other people knowing and just staring at your shoes for the, you know, waiting for the people that know what a coward you were during that time, eventually die or you die or whatever.

But it's a fucking unbelievable fucking movie. Absolutely loved it and directed by Sean Ellis. I like this. I like giving shout outs because not a lot of people go to movies anymore. Shout out to all these fucking talented people here. And it stars Jamie Dornan, Killian Murphy. I hope I said that right. It's spelled C I L L I A N.

Come on. You got to have a couple of broads in here with some love interest, right? Oh, I'm never going to say this. This is like trying to name a fucking hockey player now. Hannah F R E J K O V A with a fucking hatchet mark right above it. I don't know what it was. It was amazing. Great fucking movie.

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It's not L-I-F-T, man. That's for squares. This is L-Y-F-T. Like why would you drive when you're drinking? You know about Lyft, right? Right? It's the app that gets you a ride in minutes on demand 24-7 for less than the cost of a cab. Please include the following points.

By the way, that fucking commercial, I think it's for Lyft that they do on TV where the people are robbing the bank and they're freaking out and then there's that one kid just sitting there going like, oh, the guy's named Tim. That's a great name. He's totally fucking relaxed. That fucking actor in that should immediately be put in movies. That's my own personal opinion. I thought he was very unique.

That's all I'm saying. It's a great commercial. Right? All the way around. Two thumbs up. Anyways, please include the following points during your read. Okay. If you've tried Lyft, you know what I mean.

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No. Okay. Three, have you ever been sympathetic to the Communist Party? Whatever the fuck they say after that. It kind of goes off the rails, you know. Once you haven't fucked a kid, you know, you haven't killed anybody, then it's kind of like, you know, you like to booze? How much do you like to booze? 10-point standard, including criminal and DMV background checks.

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That's promo code, Bill Burr. No spaces, all capital letters. Enter promo code, Bill Burr. No space, all capital letters. You put my name in fucking lights on that goddamn website. All right. What are you up to? There's my half hour, just like that.

Just like that. Wouldn't it be nice if you would shut up? I'm going to in a minute. What do I have on the thing? Oh, I have a benefit on March 25th that I'm for MS. And it's here in LA. For some reason, I don't have the information in front of me. I don't fucking know.

I'm co-hosting it with Craig Gass. It's rock against MS, I believe. There's going to be a bunch of musicians there. Stephen Adler again. Fucking Gilby Clark. Rudy Sazo. Michael Devin. Those fucking rock stars are going to be there.

We're going to raise a bunch of money to help try and find a cure for this bad, horrific disease, as opposed to what, Bill? A wonderful disease? What about the disease of laughter? I don't think we ever want to cure that, do we? Sorry. I'm going to be in San Jose this week, everybody. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

I'm doing two shows a night. I got my new shit going on. I was supposed to do the goddamn comedy jam, but my fucking shoulder is messed up. And I've been driving my old truck, too. That's three on the tree, and that's the shoulder that's fucked up. It actually was bothering me just to shift on the column. That's how fucking old I am.

Like, someday I might have to sell that truck because it hurts my shoulder to just shift. It only has three gears. I know it's fucking pathetic. I've been falling off on the Bruins in the Celtics. I know the Bruins scored a bunch of goals. I know we beat the Bulls the other day, but then the Bruins scored like six goals, four goals in the third period. I watched the first period of both the Vancouver and the Calgary game,

and that was always my fantasy when I was young as a fan. When I went on the road, you know, I was just like, I would love to do that fucking Western Canada road trip, you know. Back then it was Calgary, Edmonton, Vancouver. Maybe played Winnipeg, too. And then the last, then they went down and they played the L.A. Kings. And L.A. Kings were just sitting way out in the West with nobody near them. Like, the closest fucking team I think was Vancouver.

And then the next closest would probably have been the St. Louis Blues, maybe Chicago Blackhawks, I would guess St. Louis. They were just, there was no fucking team west of St. Louis, other than the L.A. Kings. So no wonder they had such a hard time. Took them so long to win a fucking cup, how long they had to fly. Vancouver's never fucking won one. Calgary won once, right?

In 89, they beat fucking Patrick War and the Montreal Canadians. I want to say Pat Burns was coaching that team. I can't remember. But Edmonton, Edmonton fucking lit it up. So anyways, let me see if they beat Calgary last night. Boston, here we go, Bruins, here we go. Boston, Bruins, they're flying around the ice. They saw Posternak's 29th goal.

He's really filling the Tyler Sagan void, wouldn't you say? You know, since Tyler Sagan left, Marchand became a legitimate superstar and now Posternak is on his way. So I guess we're doing all right. You know, we survived it. And I actually think Tyler Sagan, oh, they're showing us, congratulating ourselves. I think we won. Bruins extinguished the flames.

You get it? You get it? It's like they're on fire. David Beck has returned from a collision into the boards. Yeah, that was scary. That looked like me in pick-up hockey. Oh, for fuck's sakes, where did the story go? We scored the game winner as the Bruins down the flames,

five to two in Calgary on Wednesday night. We scored six goals in Vancouver. Five, that's 11 goals in two fucking games. You know, all my fucking bitch moaning and complaining. Marchand humbled by emerging status as a lead scorer. Yeah, that's absolutely right. What about Posternak? Marchand had a hat trick in Vancouver and I fucking missed it.

Dude, all of a sudden we're scoring goals. And I was sitting there whining saying, do not get rid of Claude Julian. And it's been, it's totally worked out. It's worked out for us. It's worked out for him. It's worked out for the Canadians. So it's all good. And we're flying around the ice with the new coach Cassidy.

That's fucking great. It's fucking great. I love it. I love it. It's good to see Dougie Hamilton, too. Seem to be doing all right out there on Calgary. I never have a fucking problem with the X Bruins. Even if they decided to try to take more money, I don't give a fuck.

It's your career. Have a good time. Good to see you're still in the league. You know, I know you're out there in the saddle. The saddle dome. That doesn't get a lot of love down here in the lower 48 as they say in Alaska. Um, anyways, that's the podcast. I got to get on with my fucking day here.

Oh my God. My wife said the fucking greatest thing to me ever to fucking motivate me to work out. I was sitting there looking in the mirror in the bathroom. I just fat shame myself every fucking night. That's how I stayed shape. Right. And I just, you know, I went off the rails and I had it steak and shake twice. I ate a McDonald's twice and had Burger King.

This month has been like fast food when I've been on the road. I don't know what's been going on with me. Right. So I was looking at the results of that diet. And I was just looking in the mirror and I called myself a tub of fuck, which I've never said in my life. I was just like, you fucking soft, mushy tub of fuck. And then Nia was in the other room going like, what's going on with you?

I don't know. Look at me. I'm fucking. She goes, you know, look that bad. I go, yeah, I do. Look at me. I got a fucking dad bod now. And she goes, no, you don't.

I go, Nia, you're not helping me. You know, I need honesty here. And then she just goes, all right, you're not as tone as you once were. And I just went, fuck you. She goes, I'm sorry. You said that. I said, no, you're doing me a favor. So that's it.

Now I've been on it. I've been on it like the Joe Rogan company. I've been working on it. All right. Oatmeal fucking poached egg in the morning. By the way, when you make your poached eggs, if you want to have them like they do in the restaurant, you know, it's it's spooning with itself. This is such a simple trick.

I didn't even know it for all these years. Just swirl the water. I know I've said this before, but maybe you missed the podcast. Just swirl the water. Get a little whirlpool going. Okay. And then you crack the egg. You drop it right down the center.

And it's like a figure skating. You know, when they do the fucking spinning around, it just, it brings its arms in. And there you go. You take it out with a slotted spoon. You put it on a fucking English muffin, unless you're like me, if you're a tub of fuck and you're trying to lose weight, there's no English muffin. It's just sitting there naked and afraid. That is the dumbest fucking show.

Do you know, there's no prize. These people go out there and get like fucking Lyme disease. Got ants crawling around their balls and up into their fucking private parts. I mean, I just don't understand why you would do that. Cavemen were not naked. They were definitely afraid, but they fucking killed something and they covered up their junk. I actually saw this guy naked in a fucking tree with a hatchet. This is just a commercial because I refuse to watch that.

I don't watch that show. You know, black people won't watch shit that because it's a bad representation of themselves. That's what that show is for white people. There's very few shows out there that bring white people down, you know, because white people are running shit. So we always make ourselves the fucking heroes. Naked and afraid. That's not a good show for white people. That is every stereotype of a fucking white person.

Just like, you know, I think my life is just too fucking easy. I got to make it difficult. What if I just took all my clothes off, went to the fucking jungle and saw if I could survive? Naked and afraid. So this fucking guy, and just in the commercial for it, he's up in a tree and he's fucking hacking at this branch in this tree. He's sitting in and then the whole fucking branch collapses. And it's just like, that reminds me of some shit from like Bugs Bunny.

Where the somebody be sitting on a branch and they saw it off and they're sitting on the wrong side of it. And then they fall off or the whole tree falls down. I literally watched this guy do live action. A real person did that to himself. But he was hacking on the right side, but still I don't know what happened. The whole thing fucking falls. And now he's falling into like a bunch of like branches sticking all like with just completely naked. You know, I never cut my balls my entire life.

I never got a scratch on my balls. Nothing because they were covered up. They had on a pair of pants, climbs a fucking tree naked. Anyways, I don't know why I'm talking about this. I don't know why I have this level of passion for a fucking show. I don't I don't even watch. That's the yeah, I checked in on you. Okay, you guys you guys have you guys have yourself a great fucking weekend.

All right, your cunts and I will I'll talk to you on Monday. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and God bless the United States of America. We're good. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 16, 2009. I don't know what this is the year of.

Is anybody Asian listening? What is it the year of? Is it the year of the monkey? I am in San Francisco right now. And I can't believe it. It's drizzling out and it's cold and it's miserable. It's just I just blew my mind because every time I come to San Francisco, the weather is just it's just you know, it just puts a smile on your face.

You know, it's just one of those, you know, which I don't know when the fuck they ever filmed that rice oroni commercial, but it must have been like the one sunny day in the last 10 fucking years out here because this is the 12th time I've come to this city. I just pulled that number out of the air, but whatever. The weather sucked every time. I mean, it's practically impossible. And not to mention I had a touch of a cold.

I usually get sick when I come here. I was actually a little bit sick before I got here. How did you get sick, Bill? Well, I'll tell you, I went to Joshua Tree National Park and evidently I didn't dress properly as I hiked my way out to somebody's gold mine literally. Joshua Tree, definitely, definitely a good time. Although I made a real, I made a big time fool of myself.

I showed up and I asked the ranger. I swear to God, he was a ranger, but he's working the gift shop. So I figured he sucked at being a ranger. You know what I mean? He probably accidentally started a fire rather than put him one out in the park. So I asked the ranger. I, you know, it's called Joshua Tree. So in my mind, you know, there's this big, beautiful park

and there's this one fucking Joshua Tree. And that's what everybody comes up to and, you know, like that. What's that wall that all those Jewish people go up and pray to? I thought it was something like that, some sort of mecca, right? So I say, yeah, that guy gives me the map of the whole park. I'm actually getting embarrassed telling this story. I actually said, so where exactly is the Joshua Tree? Is it like, is it like one tree?

Is it like a group of like five trees? And the guy's looking at me and just the way he looked at me, I just realized I just said probably the devil's fucking thing I could possibly say within the park. And evidently, this is what I learned. And in defense of myself, I am from the East Coast. Every evidently, a Joshua Tree is just the type of tree. And I had probably driven by like 200 of them on the way up to fucking talking to this ranger. There was probably three of them in the parking lot.

Basically, for you people on the East Coast, if you ever go out there, there is no Joshua Tree. It's just a type of tree. And if you go to Joshua Tree and you say, so where is the Joshua Tree? That would be like going to New Jersey and going. Where is the Pine Tree? Like the, the Pine Tree. That's, you know, the special one. And, you know, just, you know, I don't know, you know, I just got the directions.

I just found out how to fucking get there. I had no information about it. But, you know, in defense of me, they should name the park Joshua Tree plural, not Joshua Tree. It confuses people. Then they ask silly questions. And then they feel stupid. And then they tell the, we tell the story in their podcast and they get slightly embarrassed. So anyways, that was my week.

Oh, you know, I went to a San Jose Sharks game on Saturday night on my way up here to do my one, my two shows here up in San Francisco. Saw the Sharks beat the Kings in a shootout. And at the game, I saw a 50 to 50, I'd say about 55, 58-year-old guy punch a 27-year-old kid right in the face. And it was fucking hilarious. It was his kid. He had on this Detroit Red Wings jersey, his hat on backwards, you know. And right out of the gate, he's just standing up screaming shit.

And he was cheering on the Sharks. So I don't know what happened. Because he kept standing up. Anyways, this chick who's also like 55, 58, she's got this awful fur coat on, you know, in San Jose. So, you know, she thinks she's somebody. I'm sure that's a fancy thing to do in San Jose, California. What a fucking ghost town that was, by the way. There's like nobody on the streets, right?

So, yeah, speaking of which, like, I actually was going cheap with the fuck I was going to stay. And I actually decided to stay at this Ramada. You know, thinking that it was, you know, I'm like, alright, it's like $89 for the night. Fuck it, I'll stay here. And I pull in, and it's one of those deals where the hotel rooms open up out into the parking lot. And if you're a fan of my podcast, you know I feel about those. I do not stay. I don't stay in motels, okay?

Even if you call it a hotel. If it fucking opens up. If your room opens up out into the parking lot, that's a fucking motel. Can somebody tell me what is the definition of a motel versus a hotel? Because in my world, if your door opens up to the parking lot, that is a motel slash the serial killer buffet, where they can just walk down and be like, I'm going to kill this guy. I'm going to kill this guy. I'm not fucking with that guy.

So, I never even checked in, nor did I cancel my reservation. So, I wonder if I'm going to pay for that. I ended up just calling the Marriot around the corner. I'm not even worried about whether they had a fucking room available, because I saw that there was only six people on the street, four of which were fucking crackheads. Yeah, so anyway, so I go to this fucking game. You get back on track here. Yeah, so this woman, this fur coat, all of a sudden she gets into it with this guy wearing this red wings jersey.

And, you know, she's giving him shit. He's giving it right back to her, which of course I'm loving. You know what I mean? There's usually guys back down to women once they start screaming in public. And he didn't. He just kept giving her shit right back. And I don't know what she said, but she goes, yeah, you just try me or something like that, which was really fucking annoying.

You know, I have a women act like they're going to get physical with a man, like they're going to knock him out. It's like, you shut up. You know I can't hit you. I mean, I could, but I'm instantly going to go to fucking jail and then I'm going to get raped, you know. So stop acting like you're fucking tough. The law is on your side. All right. So she's doing all that shit and he's giving her shit right back.

And then it sort of died down. And I started watching the game again. And the next thing you know, there's just this commotion. And I look over my left again. Now the kid in the red wings jersey is covered in beer. And he's John at the lady with the fur coat. And obviously she dumped it over his head. You know, I mean, of course, I would too if it was illegal to kick the shit out of me.

So she dumps it over her head and he doesn't blast her in the face, just adding to her cunty level that she's going to be the following day. The fact that she got away with that and didn't get dropped, I'm not advocating. I don't think you should hit a woman, but I don't feel that women should take advantage of the fact that a man can't hit them by just doing over-the-top cunty things like just dumping a beer on somebody. You know what I mean? So anyway, so she dumps a beer on the guy, which I gotta admit is also hilarious on another level. So I didn't hear the exchange. I guess, I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden this fucking old guy comes into the picture. His face is all twisted up with anger and he just says to the kid, he goes, who you calling a bitch?

He must have called the chicken a fur coat a bitch. And the kid didn't say anything and I swear to God, this fucking 55-year-old dude was the slowest punch I've ever seen in my life. He literally lifted his hand up like a Rockham Sockham robot and just threw this straight... I don't know what the fuck it was. It was like Rockham Sockham. He sort of bopped him right in the nose and then the kid just immediately called for security and I was just like, wow, that's really a tough situation there. He just dealt with two of the toughest physical confrontations. A woman dumps a beer over your head.

You want to punch her in the face, but you can't. But then you allow her to dump it over your head. So he deals with that. Then he has an old guy punch him in the face. It's like another man just punched you in the face. You want to drill him back, but you can't because he's an old guy. But then you allow an old guy to punch you in the face. So at this point, this guy socially has been raped, right?

So I'm thinking when security comes down, I'm like, all right, this guy got punched in the face and a beer over his head. He might actually, you know, he should get out of this even though he's younger than the two of them and you're going to be sympathetic with the old people. But he immediately screws up because the security gets there. He just starts cursing his brains out, going, I didn't do shit. I was just fucking watching the fucking game that they just snatched him. They actually snatched all three of them. And 20 minutes later, somehow the kid with the red wings jersey came back and the two old people didn't. And I was thinking, how the fuck did he pull that off?

And the only way I can think of it is if the old guy admitted to punching him in the face, which is probably what someone would do if they weren't a lawyer. He probably said, well, this guy punched me in the face. And then he probably said, I did it because you called my wife a bitch. And then it became, do you want to press charges? And then the old guy gets scared and grabs his walker and he leaves. And then the fucking Detroit Red Wing came back. That was my experience.

Was that just a long, boring story that went nowhere? I kind of lost interest towards the end of that and my mouth started getting dry. Anyway, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. And if you're new to my podcast, I do one of these every single week. And I think it's becoming really relevant during these tough economic times to just give away something free like this. I'm only mentioning that it's free because somebody told me that they find it annoying when people say it's a free podcast. It's like really, well, it is a free podcast, you fucking douchebag. And despite the fact that it's free, people still bitch at me every week.

So yeah, I am going to throw it in your face that I'm doing this for free. What do you think about that? I'm going to guilt you just like your grandmother. I saw one of the greatest movie trailers I've ever seen in my life. Do you guys fans of the movie The Dirty Dozen? Well, what is wrong with you? You should be go on YouTube, hit pause. You don't need to listen to me right now.

This is all you need to do. If you want to be entertained for free, just go on YouTube and type in The Dirty Dozen and watch the movie trailer of it. And they have one of the greatest lines I think that has ever been written. And they're describing basically the premise of the movie is these 12 guys who are basically either on death row or facing really long prison sentences. And if they agree to go on this suicide mission to kill a bunch of Nazi officers, if they survive, they get to go free. And that's the movie. So they're basically describing all the characters. And one of the characters they describe as an Indian with war paint smeared on his soul.

I can't do it justice. I cannot do it justice. The guy's doing it in that movie voice. And he's not doing it with a hint of how fucking hilarious it is because it wasn't a hilarious back then. An Indian with war paint smeared on his soul. It's just fucking awesome. I want that as my wing tone. Anyway, so let's get on with the podcast.

Yeah, like if you're new to my podcast, people send me questions. I answer the questions the best I can. People send me their lists of underrated things they find underrated or overrated and movie reviews. And the latest, the latest is people are telling me stories of revenge. All right, so here's one. They're really long. These people really are writing me like Stephen King-length stories of revenge. Now, personally, what I've been saying throughout this is I don't do revenge.

I enjoy hearing the stories, but I don't do it because my karma is too fucking strong. I don't know, man. There's something about revenge, unless it's face to face. You know, you just sort of fight somebody. You know, that seems like an honorable kind of revenge. But when you sort of, you start, the second you're like looking at another human being and they don't know you're looking at them and you're trying to plan some diabolical shit. I don't know about you guys, but there's something inside of me.

I can't fucking do it because I just, I never feel more evil. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you. I've sat around and thought about it, but to actually carry it out. Yeah, who knows? Maybe it's exciting. I never feel more alive than when I'm plotting the death of my next door neighbor. All right, here we go. You know, that sound bite might come back to haunt me in the future

when I pull my Robert Blake in my 60s. Take that one out of context. All right, so here's the podcast one. I'm going to try to skip through most of this and just get to the gist of it. Bill, I was going to college in Washington State, but I was skipping all of my classes and getting horrible grades. The school I was going to was University of Puget Sound. Easily the worst place I've ever fucking been to.

Yada, yada, yada. So anyways, there was this kid who was a friend of mine, and at the beginning of the semester, he was a friend of his at the beginning of the semester, but I slowly started to realize that he was a piece of shit, which culminated when he also, having red hair, fucked my then-girlfriend when she was drunk. That makes sense.

So basically he had this friend at the beginning of the semester. He thought he was cool. He gradually realizes he's a piece of shit and it culminated when he fucked his then-girlfriend when she was drunk. There we go. So anyways, this was actually one of the better moments of my time at the college, hearing that they had hooked up and finding her the next day, the next morning, sorry,

and she literally could not look me in the eye, and in hindsight, I find extremely funny. And she, in an ashamed way, explained that she thought the other guy was me, but she was so drunk she didn't notice. Needless to say, I was not understanding with her at all, and made the out-of-character choice to go back to not fucking anyone. Well, good for you, man. It's a strong choice.

There you go. Be alone. Good move. But this, of course, ended my friendship with that piece of shit kid since he confirmed what I had been suspecting about him, about being an asshole. So blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So basically, the kid stops going to class,

he starts drinking every day, and he ends up dropping out. So he's cleaning out basically his room. He goes, so it's my last day. I'm happier than a crackhead with a $100 bill packing my shit up. Then the cocksucker who fucked my girlfriend somehow found me in the hall checking myself out of my room, and he comes up to me with this incredible shit-eating grin,

and he says how much he's going to miss me in that thickly sarcastic tone, and then actually proceeded to pinch my cheek like your grandmother used to when you were six. I'm sure you know the feeling of shaking with rage, being unable to do anything, being unable to do anything. Assaulting a kid at a liberal arts school with security guards right in front of me would get me arrested.

But of course, I still felt like the world's biggest gaping pussy for not doing anything at all. Something had to be done about this, and here comes the revenge, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, I decided... If you said like that kid from the revenge story last week, I decided to fuck with his car. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Dude, you know, that's really not... That's not the John Wayne move there. You could have always gone back when the security wasn't there, and then just sort of fucking smashed him in the face. I don't know. So anyway, he decides to fuck with his car. Dude, you reminded me of that chicken, that's what women do.

They write dick or prick on the side of your car. Whatever. What am I going to do? I'm going to stop judging. I'll just read the rest of the story. So he had decided to fuck with his car. He had a nice jetta, and I knew where he parked it every night, so I got a friend to be my lookout. As much as a scumbag as I am for fucking with someone else's car,

all right, at least he admitted it, this could not have gone any better. Miraculously, there was this perfect gap in security patrols giving me just enough time to key every panel on his car and slash all four tires until I was back on the sidewalk with my friend. Immediately after finishing, security guards showed up. The old people started doing their early morning walks,

et cetera, and I got the fuck out of there. Within an hour, I caught a bus to Seattle, and Karma started working almost immediately, only an hour in front of my friend's apartment. An hour later, in front of my friend's apartment, I started feeling awful. I went from feeling totally fine to having a hallucinatory fever. I lay in my friend's bed for an entire day until around four,

when apparently that jackass discovered what I did to his car and called my phone over and over from his number, then from all my friend's phones, et cetera. I don't remember much of this conversation, but I do know I was trying to be a tough guy. Blah, blah, blah, blah. He kept calling for months and months. Eventually, I stopped answering his calls,

but he kept calling. Dude, you fucked with a psycho. You know, when he came up and pinched your cheek like that and said, you realize how what a sadistic fucking maniac you were dealing with? It's probably good you didn't fucking punch him, because he probably would have came at you like Hannibal Lecter and bit in the chunky of cheek right out of your face.

But anyway, he said he even called me on Christmas almost a month later, when he would call at these times, always unavailable, blah, blah, blah. Oh, this is a good part. I'd answer and he'd start making heavy breathing noises after a while, like those telephone perverts women were afraid of in the 1960s. The story has a happy ending, though.

At one of those hipsters bar, a sort of gothic coffee shop, actually, I managed to hook up with a girl that was probably out of my league by playing off his constant psycho phone calls as though there were other chicks trying to get with me. I don't know. Is that like the number one thing with revenge?

I'm sorry, that was really choppy, but I sort of got it. The kid wrote me like a manifesto. I don't have time to edit these fucking things, but that seems to be people's number one way of taking revenge on somebody. Well, you got to get out there and fuck with their car. I guess that's what makes it like revenge has to be sneaky. Actually, wait a minute.

We've had two guys fuck with a car, and we had another guy who took his girlfriend to Disneyland, his ex-girlfriend, and cheated on him, and did horrific things to her. You know what it is about revenge? It has to be sneaky. Even that chick thought she was going to Disneyland to ride on the teacups and to get back with this guy,

and he was actually taking her down there to make a porno. You know something? That's what it is about revenge. I can't deal with it. I can't deal with the dishonesty of it. It's just something that just makes you feel like... you just feel dirty, you know? If you fuck up somebody's car,

you should do it right in front of them. As you look at them with some maniacal look on your face. I mean, that would really, you know... Wouldn't that get him? Because then you'd be like, wow, this guy knows I'd fuck him up if he fucked with my car, and not only is he doing it in front of me, he made sure he called out my name so I saw him doing it.

You know what I mean? You know what that reminds me? One time I saw this crazy white dude on the subway, and he was rapping some song that had the N-word in it, and there was like ten black people on the train. Okay? And he's dropping the N-bomb every five seconds. I'm like, what are you doing?

I'm a crazy N-word. Some, some, some, I'm a crazy N-word. Doing the best I can. And then he go, woo! He just kept doing it over and over and over again. Out of his fucking mind. But white as hell.

On the downtown six, back in the day when I lived on the Upper East Side, he kept saying it over and over again. And I was like, you know, it was a subway. There was like ten, fifteen black dudes on the train. There was a white dude. He's dropping the N-word. Every white person knows if you fucking do that,

it's instantaneous ass kicking. But I think that that's what saved him. It's because he was so overtly doing it. All the black people looked at him and were like, this guy knows we're going to kick the fuck out of him, yet he's still doing it. So then you just do the quick math. Oh, he's fucking crazy.

He's crazy. Oh, okay. I'm going to fight this guy and he's going to bite me and I'm going to get hepatitis. So that's the, I don't know what the fuck point I'm trying to make there. That's how you get out of, I guess, you know,

not getting your ass kicked. Because if you can truly convince people that you're fucking crazy, like people just, they don't mess with you. So that's what you should have done. Then you would have teed his fucking car in front of him. They just have a maniacal look on his,

your face and every other sentence just scream out, woo! And then he'd leave you alone. Then you wouldn't have to deal with the phone calls. Then again, you wouldn't have hooked up with the chick in the coffee shop. I don't know. Let's get to the podcast questions, shall we?

I get a fucking, I get a cold here. Okay, I'm making excuses for that last two minutes. That didn't even make sense. All right. Podcast question number one. Bill,

he talked about wanting to have a kid now, now that you're getting older. I'm just curious to know if you would want him or her to hear your podcast, considering you condone things like revenge. All right. I love how people don't listen to me. I don't condone revenge.

I've said that on every podcast, but I do find the stories interesting, and I will comment and laugh at the shit that you did. I don't condone what Scarface did, but I can enjoy him shooting up people in the end of the movie. You know? Anyway, so he,

but anyways, the way this guy heard it, maybe I wasn't clear about what I was saying. So anyways, the way he heard it is basically, I condone things like revenge. And he said, IE,

busting a nut on your ex face to make her feel like a whore for cheating on you. I'm not criticizing you. I'm sincerely interested in knowing if having a child will change your perception on things, because as I close in on 40, I'm feeling the same way, wanting to finally have a kid,

and it makes me consider if I should adjust my moral compass beforehand, because I would want my son or daughter to have me as a decent role model. Your situation is a little more precarious in that your future 10-year-old son could find an old copy of Bill Burr's Greatest Hits, and here,

how his father thinks that coming a girl's hair is the best prescription for heartbreak. Keep up the good work. Ah! Alright, Michael, this is how I view this type of shit. For me to actually think about anything that I'm saying on this podcast,

about actually having a child that I don't even have, is the quickest way of making these podcasts horrifically unfunny. I actually, I have major problems with parents, and how once they have kids, they all of a sudden start acting like they're not the fucking frat boy date rapist that they used to be.

And not only do they act that way, they want everyone else to behave that way, too, because they knocked up the chick that they're with. And it's like, dude, I didn't knock up my curl, okay? I'm still having a good fucking time. You know what I mean? So, if my, you know what? Why don't I do the rest of this podcast

this moment right now? Like my future 10-year-old son is actually listening to the archives. Hey, son, what's going on? I had, I hope I didn't fuck up the first 10 years of your life. Listen, son, if you're taking anything that I say on these podcasts remotely seriously, I've completely failed as a parent,

and I want you to go outside and fall on a fucking lawn dart, because I'm going to start over again, and I'm going to make another kid, and I'm going to teach him to learn how to fucking take a joke. You know what? I got halfway through that and just got fucking creepy. I just told my future kid to kill himself.

Yeah, with a toy that has been banned. No, to be honest with you, no, I never, I never think about... What you're asking me to do, I swear to God, is be formula for not becoming funny. You know, that's what comedians do is they get older. They have kids, and all of a sudden, they stop cursing on stage, and they want to be a role model,

and that's when shit just starts going downhill, and you know, you want to start doing family movies, you know, and I'm not doing that, okay? I'm a comedian, nothing I say should be taken seriously, and if you take it seriously, that's not my problem, even if you are my kid. I'm going to be honest with my kid. You know, I mean, now people like try to shelter their kid

and tell them that there's a Santa Claus and everything like that, and you know, I don't know about that. Like, if somebody does something really weird, and then my kid's like, why did somebody, why did that person do that? I'd be like, you know what, son? Because most people are cunts, you know? I know it's a harsh reality,

and enjoy your coloring years, son, because it's only going to get worse. It's only going to get worse. All right, Bill, listening to... Okay, Bill, listening to the newly discovered podcast, you... Oh, this is the guy. You know what, this guy...

I'm going to say this guy for this right here, not his whole email, but this email right here. I think this guy earns douchebag of the fucking week, because he goes, you should charge for your podcast and up the production value, or just leave them as they are. Just don't keep mentioning that they're free like other podcasters do.

It's a bit douchey when you do that. You know what? Why don't you go fuck yourself? How about you do that? Is that douchey? If I tell you that, you fucking cunt. Don't tell me what to do in this fucking podcast. It is free.

I don't need to do this shit. I'm going to tell me how the fuck I'm supposed to do these. All right? So don't fuck yourself on your first paragraph, but because I'm such a sweetheart, I'll read the rest of it. The rest of it, you don't fuck me. You're a douche in your first paragraph.

Bill, so with the Vinnie Colley U to comment, I kind of assume you are a drummer, like me, and with the headphone comment, drummer headphones. Got to be right. Oh, got to be right. So if you are a drummer and listen through headphones, listen to Steve's, oh, Seven Days.

Then in parentheses it says Sting Field of Gold. Oh, they did a cover of that? Yeah, I don't know if you guys have listened to the podcast, but I'm kind of into it. I've been starting to buy records. I started buying them again and buying some concept albums and all those great old albums.

They're great. Somebody wrote something on the Internet where they were bitching about music today and they said something to the effect of how bum they work because people today don't want to hear good music. I just think that's such a hilarious comment. People today, yeah, they don't want to hear good music. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what it is.

It has nothing to do with the deregulation of media in the early 1980s, which allowed fucking five guys to buy all the fucking radio stations and to run everyone exactly like the other one, thus limiting the amount of music they can get on the radio. That's not what it is. It's that people, they don't want to hear good music. Is that good music?

You shut that off, mister. I don't want to hear that. I want to hear something awful. I don't want to hear good music. You know what's funny? There's the cleaning ladies on the outside of the door and she thinks I can't hear her, and I know she's listening to me ranting in here,

debating whether or not to come in here or not. I know you're out there. I just freaked her out. It kind of freaked me out too because I realized that technically I really am not talking to anybody. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, the music. I think there's plenty of good music out there.

You just have to find it. It's on the Internet now and possibly on satellite radio. If you don't have satellite radio, that's one of the most underrated things ever. It's fucking incredible. I'm getting it put in my car because I've rented a few cars recently

and they've had satellite radio in it and that's where the good music is. That's where the funny radio shows are. That's where it's at when it comes to radio, man. It's fucking great. People curse on the radio, which I enjoy. If I had a 10-year-old son,

I'd let him listen to those words because I always heard him from the day I was walking around. I heard him. Look at me. I turned out fine. I did too. Stop laughing. I did pay my fucking taxes. I'm not hurting anybody. Overrated, underrated.

Overrated. This guy says Sonic Youth, dot, dot, dot. Really? I don't know. Are they the ones who are saying runaway train? What about the kids who run away? Runaway train. Yeah, we're coming back.

Far away. Something, something. Something. Yeah. Paul Simon, dot, dot, dot. I want to shove an African drum up his ass. Is he black now? Okay.

Listen to any Paul Simon album in the late 80s, early 90s. He was just trying to expand as an artist and he was working with different musicians and he went outside of America. You know, it's not like he went out there with a fooboo fucking track suit on when he played with them.

Notice I said fooboo, staying in times with the early 90s was fooboo, wasn't it? I was at mid-90s. You know, Jesus Christ. Oh, is he black now? He's standing next to a black guy. He's still wearing those Wrangler jeans. Those awful hair plugs.

B.B. King. Another guy says he's overrated. He's been milking the legend status for so long he can't even play a chord. See, you two is rattling hum. Dude, I got to agree with you on that one. B.B. King, I think, yeah, I think he might be a little overrated.

The guy can't play a chord. He does play nicely, but if you notice, there's not a lot of black people going out to see him. I think it's a bunch of white people who think he's good. That was one of the most ignorant fucking things I'll ever say, and that really made me laugh. And that guy sent me the email.

I didn't mean that, so in the future when my 10-year-old son hears it, he's going to know, Jesus Christ, why would you put that in my fucking head? I never think shit like that. If you think about ramifications, you're never going to be funny. Hey, what if I say this?

Won't that hurt someone in the crowd? And then the moment you've said it is gone, and it's over. If I had bad shows tonight, I'm going to fucking blame you. All right, underrated. The Mayfield 4, Miles Kennedy. I have no idea who that is.

I'm going to look that up. And Roy Orbison. He's one of those guys who's overrated and underrated. I think he's underrated with the average listener, and he's overrated when you just talk about him. About his seven-octave voice. He, I don't know. He really has an amazing range with his voice,

but I don't like the sound of it. Is that like sacrilegious? What are some of the songs he sings? Like Pretty Woman? Pretty Woman, what do I love you? I love you, I love you, I love you too. Ugh, kill yourself. He looks like a lesbian.

All right, underrated. The slidiness of college chicks. I don't care. Speaking of Roy Orbison, he died out of nowhere, man. I think he had a heart attack. That's one of those guys, when he dies of a heart attack, you really look at his face and it's like, he had that blue cheese double chin.

Underrated, the slidiness of college chicks. I don't care where you went to college. If you lived, if you lived away at school and weren't getting laid once a week, something must be wrong with your dick. This is over-exaggerating a bit. That's one of my favorite expressions I think I've ever read.

Over-exaggerating. I'm trying to do the math on what the fuck that means. So if you said if you lived away at school and were getting laid at least once a week, if you weren't getting laid at least once a week, something must be wrong with your dick, but that statement is over-exaggerated. Does that mean you're not exaggerating?

Does that mean you get laid one and a half times a week? You tag someone and finger blast someone else? I really don't do sex jokes. That makes me uncomfortable. But this is over-exaggerating a bit, but still it is ridiculous. I went to a small Catholic college, but you wouldn't know about the stories I got from my dorm room.

A couple beers, some... I can't even read this. Do you guys like against using the space bar? A couple beers, some dim dorm room lighting and slow jam playlists off your laptop and you were in business. Most of the time it didn't even matter if your roommates were there.

I got up to this bitch sitting on my face riding it like a unicycle. All right, we're going to stop there. Okay, I got it, dude, you're getting laid. Jesus Christ. You know what? That's actually true. I never lived at college,

but I definitely hooked up with college girls and I actually hooked up with a girl in the top bunk in a roommate. Not only was it in the bottom bunk, but it was awake. Do you ever try to fuck respectively in a respective kind of way? It doesn't really work.

Especially when you use a word you can't even pronounce it respectively. Does that even a word? All right, overrated. Adding Y to the end of guys' names. Unless you're playing stickball in the schoolyard or your grandma calls to wish you a happy birthday. If you're over the age of 18,

you're a man it should not be referred to as Joey or Danny or any other bullshit name ending in Y. I'm hoping you would want to punch the first guy who walks up and says, hey Billy, what's up? It's bullshit, you're a man, you should go buy a man's name. You know what, that's exactly right.

I actually, when I first came into this business, I went by Bill Burr and I thought it was too short and too difficult to say. So for like five years I went by Billy Burr and even though it flowed better with my last name, anybody called me that. It didn't feel right. It was just like,

unless the guy was from New Jersey, they had a way of making it sound all right on New York guys, but it just, I just felt like a little kid, like I should have been sitting there with my brown sack lunch and after, I don't know how Billy Crystal does it. So I would have to agree with you on that one. All right, I think that's it. I think that's it for the podcast.

I want to thank everyone for listening this week. It's a little bit on the short side, but I don't know, it's weird. I'm up in San Francisco and I got a gig tonight. And before I even do the gig, I want to thank everybody for coming out on a Monday night. I know it's a work night for you guys. You're working hard and that type of shit.

So if you listen to this before you come out to my show, I'm going to try out this new chunk and I'm probably going to bomb, but definitely going to give you your money's worth. I really appreciate everybody who showed up. Or who's going to show up, or if this is the next day who has showed up. Jesus Christ, we'll get to the point.

And next week, I'm going to be at the, not this upcoming weekend, the following weekend, last weekend in March, I'm going to be at the House of Comedy in East St. Louis. All the information is on billburr.com. Anything else? Oh, and I'm going to be on the Open Anthony Show. I got Atlantic City Day coming up.

What is the fucking day? Hold on one second. I got to figure this out. I need a calendar. God damn it. Hang on a second. You know, this podcast was going pretty smooth up until this point. This is just garbage time.

You can hang up right now. You don't have to listen to this. All right, so the Trump Marina gig is on April 4th. All right, so that's the Saturday. So Friday the 3rd, 2nd, 1st. The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, at least. I'm going to be on the Open Anthony Show. I'm going back into New York,

and I'm going to visit my good friend's Open Anthony. And they're always hilarious. Little Jimmy Norton, and I'm really excited to get back there. It's the number one thing that I miss about Living in New York. I fucking love doing that show. And it is on XM Satellite Radio, because Satellite Radio is the shit. XM202.

And I'll be doing taping an uninformed episode with Joe DeRosa. And that is it. I think that's it. Oh, I'll also be at the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago, Illinois, on April 3rd. Look at me zigzagging across the fucking country. All right, and that is it. You guys all have yourself a good week.

And God bless the United States of America. Go to the Amaro in the North American Union and microchip. God bless you. Can't trust no one as far as I can see. If I could be dead by the snow before Listening to my friends talk about it all. You call me if I'm around you all the time But if I've never seen you before

No, I've never seen you before Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah No, your sons are so young I don't mean to step on nobody good, but uh When I need somebody, there's nobody to call When they need me, my phone is off the wall

But these are my friends and that's the one I say, constantly taking from me every day You say, call me if I'm around you all the time But if I've never seen you before No, I've never seen you before Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah No, your sons are so young

I don't mean to step on nobody good, but uh Call me if I'm around you all the time But if I've never seen you before I'll never see them again No, your sons are so young Call me if I'm around you all the time But if I've never seen you before No, your sons are so young

Call me if I'm around you all the time But if I've never seen you before No, I've never seen you before Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah No, your sons are so young And I'm never ever dependent on you

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