Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-16

Episode Date: March 18, 2016

Bill rambles about Saint Patrick, under water caves and Lincoln Mark V.

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Friday Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you I fucked up today I forgot it was Thursday I really wasn't doing shit today it's just one of those you know you never had one of those days you didn't know it was Thursday I thought it was Wednesday yeah I had one of those days and I was just fucking driving around I met a buddy I was on my way out to fucking Santa Monica to go smoke a cigar my first one in like a month and Andrew's like you're gonna record today and I was like record he's like yeah it's Thursday I was like oh Jesus there so my apologies my apologies I didn't check in on you yeah I almost did did you feel not loved you know this is when you really think about it this is like

the end of one of those feel good like Christmas movies or after school specials and like we didn't think you were coming and then you did but I guess I didn't for most of you because it's 1026 LA time as I'm recording this so most of you guys back east in central time I just fucked over half the people in this country as far as not checking in on them as far as people that listen to this podcast so I'm basically saying that if this was a presidential campaign this would be the end of my campaign I would have to I'd have to try and fight it off you know Mr. Bart allow you you tell the people of America you're gonna do a podcast every Thursday as last Thursday I mean even good about it for the

last year or so but last Thursday you actually did not check in on the east coast or the central coast or the central part of the country whatever it's called that's half the country is this what the American people can look forward to if you are elected president I have right there you know what yeah that's what they can look forward to you know I didn't think I was gonna get this far you know I thought I was doing pretty good reading the shit off the excuse me reading this the the stuff off of the teleprompter and now I guess it's over so yeah sorry to the east coast in the central areas I know it's our food supply and where a lot of I don't know a lot of the comedy and the cold weather comes from right so I apologize

oh Jesus yeah my first cigar in like fucking month and it was delicious it was delicious it was bad it was bad I fucking went to the cigar shop the guy was literally like where you been I was like hey you know I'm down to a month he goes oh it's great it's great I fucking went in there it was just I just missed it I missed the smell it's not like fucking champ kind I missed the way you smell and I went in there was hilarious was I went to this place Hollywood smoke out in out in Santa Monica and as I was driving down Main Street great great fucking street out here in LA you know it's St. Patty's Day and it was just getting geared up was like right around 6 30 like just the absolute fucking shit show that is St. Patrick's Day out here and I should say in the United States

absolute shit show the fucking light green plastic hats those fuckheads are out you know and then you had the girls you know of course whoring it up you got to love that I saw these two smoking hot fucking chicks was like but the same color like is those green plastic hats like mini skirts with like thigh highs on so I'm like all right they're obviously slinging drinks maybe they're not you know maybe they really are attention horse because I swear to God I don't know what the fuck you go out in public wear and something like that for on a night when people who usually don't drink are going to get even more hammered or I guess it's just amateur night and you're gonna fucking walk around with something like that well what's wrong with you Jesus Christ didn't your mother ever talk

to you and sit you down and be like listen there's nothing wrong with dressing like a who just do not do it on the following holidays St. Patrick's Day New Year's in the 4th of July okay every other time Thanksgiving okay you want to let the girls out a little bit I don't have a problem just don't sit sit across to me at the dinner table because you're still my little girl all right unless they have some big like floral arrangement and you can you know you can you can blow your boyfriend at that point I'm not gonna know but don't do it because you give your father a heart attack right didn't they ever sit you down and tell you that shit well if they did they didn't say it to these two they were walking down the street I mean it's fucking unreal like literally like hookers didn't

dress like that when I was a kid and it got me thinking like what I always forget what the fuck St. Patrick's Day is so I'm gonna Google that right now St. Patrick's Day here we go all right we all know it's on March 17th is this the thing where the guy chased the snakes out of the fucking town which just completely seems like a bullshit story to me or is that some other guy with a flute oh did that guy no it's the pied piper and he got rid of the rats that was their problems back then it wasn't my phone died and my fucking internet's too slow they literally had fucking reptiles and rodents fucking spreading disease that was AIDS back then you know just a bunch of fucking rats would come to town and they bite one fucking dude they then rats know too right

that they fucking they would they'd fucking bite the studliest guy there and he's a course fucking tagging every wench in town and they say you know right they're all coughing on their fucking husbands and then it was over and then thank God some guy would come by some guy was probably you know never got picked to go on the rape and pillage tours you know that was like getting picked last in gym class back then right and all of a sudden he just finds his head in town he picks up for flute and he fucking dances around and everybody follows him out of town all the rats do right you know what's funny about that story is they never say once he gets out of town with the rats like then what did he do you know fucking throw the flute at him and then run

back double back to town and hope that their little rat brains can't figure it out I mean they found it once right I don't know all right let's get case St. Patrick's Day is the day of the festival of Patrick oh thank you well that sums it up it's a cultural and religious celebration held on the 17th the the traditional death date of St. Patrick who lived from 385 to 461 that's a fucking good run for back then huh he really was a saint not smoking not drinking not messing with the who is what's that that's 70 let's see 15 and 61 oh shit we all know that's 76 years that's like living to 110 now and evidently he was the foremost patron saint of Ireland this guy was a fucking five-star general here St. Patrick's Day was made an official Christian feast day in

the early set well what the fuck did St. Patty do St. Patrick let's get back to this fucker let's see why he became a saint Patrick of Ireland redirects here oh jeez doesn't he look miserable does anybody look happy in a stained glass window now he's look like they got the fucking weight of the world on him what is wrong with my religion Jesus can is it one picture of Jesus smiling like cracking up hanging out with the apostles and somebody farted or something and they just decided to paint him in that moment they just never do it he must have had some fun right well speaking of who is didn't he fucking he laid down with the fuck was their name that's a good whore name from back then huh Apple all right all right St. Patrick with us was a fifth

century Romo Romano bro oh no come on Romano British Christian missionary and bishop in Ireland known as the Apostle of Ireland he's the primary patron saint of Ireland this all sounds like filibustering right now like they're trying to kill a bill along with St. who gives a fuck he's also said something equal to apostles the date of Patrick's life cannot be fixed with certainty but on a widespread interpretation he was an active he was active as a missionary in Ireland oh he spread the disease there they celebrate this guy he brought that fucking horrific religion to them and now look at them they're still drinking because of this guy's mission during the second half of the fifth century early medieval tradition credits him with being the first bishop of

something primate of Ireland now he's hanging with an ape all right I didn't know those gorillas and fucking it's probably a chimp right no it couldn't be a chimp that fair skin actually they all get fair skin there maybe that's where you go if you get a sunburn the gorillas like yeah fuck that I need the heat man you know stupid fucking chimps going up there with that fucking white face like me all right according to the Confessio of Patrick when he was about 16 he was captured by Irish pirates you mean drunks from his home in Great Britain oh he's from Britain now the fuck is with this guy this guy was all over the place and taken as a slave to Ireland looking after animals where he lived working on a farm they're really ramping this guy up where he lived

for six years before escaping and returning to his family that's pretty amazing how the fuck did he do that he needed a boat people are incredible shape then he probably swam it right you know it's probably why he lived so fucking long you do that one time if you swim from Ireland to back to fucking London wherever the fuck he was from I mean that's basically you've gotten all the cardio that you need to do in your life out of the way the guy was probably fucking shredded till he was like 66 then the last 10 years were brutal all right after becoming a cleric whatever the fuck that is that's either an accountant or something religious he returned to know I would click on it but it's not highlighted which makes me feel dumb I'm supposed to like automatically know what that means

he returned to northern and western Ireland well there's a smart move you fucking leave the country that enslaved you and then you come back fucking Ian McShane in later life he served as a bishop but little tiny bass mr black magic um but little is known about the places where he worked by the seventh century he had already come to read nobody knows anything about this fucking guy he served as a bishop but little is known about the places where he was a fucking bishop hey it was kind of a bishop somewhere over there let me kind of seem like he was a cobbler by the seventh century he had already come to to be revered as the patron saint of Ireland all right I don't want to be a cunt on

St. Patrick's Day but don't you think there's a little gap in the information there this is like the story of Jesus where it's like yay he was a little baby and they brought some gifts over and then he was 33 on a cross some point he did some carpentry and he banged a whore the other than that right there's nothing there this fucking guy was a bishop somewhere in western northern and western Ireland little is known about that and then by the seventh century he was a patron state of Ireland what did he do name dating to Patrick's theories life all right let's get to his life at the age of 16 he was captured by ours I already read this shit just six years of captivity he heard a voice all right yeah he went crazy telling him that he would

soon go home sounds like he was malnourished to me and then that that his ship was ready fleeing his master kind of sounds like a batman robin relationship if you know what I mean I think he was the gimp he traveled to a port he traveled to a port 200 miles away traveled traveled how he took the subway you mean he walked where he found his ship and was difficult and with difficulty persuaded the captain to take him in yay he fucking blew him it's about it that's the most difficult persuasion right unless you know he was happy to be with his master earlier I don't know this all sounds like I don't know some sort of gay love triangle to me after three days sailing they landed presumably in Britain you know what I'm glad we drink on

this fucking day you know if you're gonna be that fucking vague this is like why you feel the next day after you went boozing he what'd you do last night I don't know I was kind of a drunk in our western LA and then the cops came and I fucking heard this voice in my head saying that there was a ship waiting for me you know yeah what do you mean you called uber yeah basically all right I apologize for all of that happy St. Patrick's Day everybody a lot of you are probably still up drinking getting shitfaced and all that why not why not I missed all the much madness I don't watch the first fucking rounds you know what I mean every once in a while there's upset there's an upset right you should just watch Holy Cross they fucking disappoint

somebody every year send everybody going home crying I'm gonna try to watch on SAE but I'm busy over the next couple of days but I have been watching my Bruins again and after that big fucking hot streak I start watching them and then they start losing so they're playing the Kings this Saturday and I'm gonna tape the game because I feel like if I don't watch it live they're gonna win and then I can watch it then I can enjoy it but uh I'm starting to you know ramp back up with the hockey is the playoffs are coming and I watched the Kings versus the Dallas fucking stars um getting ready for a bon burner and the Kings just came out and gave them the old right there Fred gave him two fucking quick ones then I'm you know and I was sitting at home

you know mocking announcers go I'll tell you right now the next goal is the most important goal this game obviously Kings either go up three nothing or that's the stars cut it in half we can do the fucking math when the numbers are that low it's what you got to love about hockey you know the numbers are always nice and low it's very rare does it go over you never really have to count over five I think that's why it appeals to me that in the fighting right so the stars score next then it's two to one and then they dead you're thinking okay here we go we got a game and then bam fucking they score again three to one after one the next thing you know I go out make myself a grilled cheese sandwich and I come back and it's fucking five to one however that doesn't mean

that's how it's going to go in the playoffs um those are two of my favorite teams out in the west of course the Bruins are always my favorite but uh the Kings and stars are really fun to watch so I'm getting psyched for the uh for the hockey playoffs speaking of which um I have an open invite to do the great Joe Bartnick's puck off podcast and I'm going to try to do that sooner rather than later but um I'm excited about that and I got to get into the whole March madness thing so that's basically that's basically my life right and so you're probably thinking like well Bill you know I know you tell jokes at night you have to know when your fucking spots are how did you forget it was Thursday well all freckles here had a really fucking busy day because

they started uh they started making my my little baby gym my little get in shape gym getting shape girl gym at the back of my uh garage and uh so I had to clear everything out and unfortunately I had to put my truck in storage for the next couple of weeks I was only going to take them like two three weeks which means six months in construction talk um for them to uh to complete this project and uh I can't tell you how fucking sad I was dropping that truck off it's unreal every time I look at that truck or I start driving it I have this big goofy fucking grin on my face like you ever hear like when people drown you know after you go through the horror of drowning right or as you go to pass out like all this dopamine is released and I guess

when they find you underwater and your cement shoes you have this goofy smile on your face provided they didn't drop you in like a thousand feet of water and your head didn't fucking explode um you always I guess have this fucking like when they find scuba divers and underwater caves you know because they get lost I mean Jesus Christ talk about the most fucking horrifying thing ever fucking going in there I mean Jesus Christ what do I mean what do you do when you're underwater you can't drop breadcrumbs how do you get back there is no fucking that is the most fucking insane thing you could ever do let's go explore some underwater caves can you imagine that shit and then you fucking get lost

wow dude there's got to be stories of people that survived I want to hear that mind fuck how the fuck you you keep yourself calm because you know you're going to panic and then you're and then you're going to start breathing faster and that fucking shit you know oh my god I don't know what I would do I would just get my flippers going as fast as I couldn't try to knock myself out against the fucking wall you know and you couldn't because you're underwater you can't even fucking knock yourself out what do you do then I think you just swim up to a big fish and give it the finger and hope it fucking puts you out of the out of your misery um the fuck was I talking about fuck that I get on to that I was talking about dropping the

oh dropping the truck off yes so um I gotta be honest with you man like I like no new cars do it for me they're all the fucking same pisses me off you know because my car is getting old man my car is like eight years old granted seven or eight years old yeah it's gonna be eight years old since I've had it October of this year and I've maintained the thing you know I take it back to the dealership I haven't do the whole thing I pay through the fucking nose and it runs like a goddamn top it runs like a fucking top to the point I'm not even nervous about saying it but the interior is going to shit right the steering wheel is all fucking worn out and but I love the car because I can park it anywhere and I don't give a fuck if anybody drives into the thing

but my buddy who I smoke cigars with he's got this fucking Cadillac and I really like it you know and I like him more than the fucking I don't know everybody out here leases the fucking the BMWs the fucking every other douche has one of those out here so I don't want to get one of those and uh outies are cool you know what I got outies outies is like the fucking Bill Belichick draft pick that's the second round guy or the guy who gets picked in the third round and has something to fucking prove like I feel like Audi has something to prove you get more bang for your buck we're fucking BMW and uh fucking you know Mercedes they like the first round draft pick holding out for a fucking bigger contract fuck those cars right well I'm German too man I'm mostly

German I should be fucking I guess Audi's German too right I don't know but um I like buying American shit though even though it's probably built in the fucking Mexico or Turks and Caicos whatever the fuck they build them now um so I'm thinking like all right well my buddy's got a Cadillac I can't go out and get a fucking Caddy and pull up next to him and look like single white female freckles over here right so I go what about the fucking Lincoln Mark 5 or whatever don't they still make that car so I go to the fucking Lincoln website when the fuck did they de-ball that car or did it just not keep up that thing used to be the answer to Cadillac and that you can get one for like 35 grand which is not it's still 35 grand but I thought it would

they would it would be like up there like with the Caddies like the Caddies are like you know they they kind of end where all the high-end BMWs and Mercedes fucking end right so I figured the Lincoln was going to be up like I thought I was going to you know be like some luxury car and this is the thing nobody drives one of those which would be great so I got something a little different it's got nice you know nice fuck that's a great old man car a fucking Lincoln you know you drive around in it people look at you they go look at that guy he's probably a member of the NRA I don't want to fuck with that guy it's a fucking it's a classic old man car and I don't know if I'm looking at the wrong model but they have like all they have is fucking SUVs now and then they have

like the uh I know I looked at the car and was like you ever see somebody used to go to the gym every day and then they don't anymore you can you can kind of see like oh yeah that guy used to work out and now we uh now he gets like three appetizers before he dives into the fucking oh speaking of that dude I when I dropped the car off I had to wake my lovely wife up and she you know followed me over and uh was early in the morning she's not a morning person right and uh so I told her I take her out go to breakfast she of course eats healthy um you know still looking gorgeous and I first thing I see on the menu is uh eggs benedict with fucking pulled pork and you know came with potatoes and like an asshole I ordered it and

I have been paying for it the whole day I've barely been able to keep my eyes open all day for all you youngsters out there that's what fucking happens to you when you get older you're young dude you know you got low miles on your digestive tract you can go eat something fucked up and then go play frisbee football whatever the fucking issue kids do go fly a drone around an airport and freak out some pilots whatever it is that you guys do whatever you wacky kids do put on a virtual reality fucking helmet and uh I don't know take video if you're fucking next door neighbor and then you're fucking banging them and then you feel weird when you see him when you go to get the mail whatever it is you kids do um yeah you can do that after eating fucking McDonald's I

cannot I can't we actually postmated McDonald's the other day like fucking 12 30 at night and I gotta tell you it was fucking delicious and the next day I woke up I was like did I get into a bar fight last night and lose horrifically like was I the guy like laying you know those old school bars where they didn't have stools and they just had that brass rail for you to put your foot up on you ever see a guy who ends up like in between the bar and that thing while there's like three people kicking them you know that that classic guy in every other bar in fucking Boston I felt like that happened to me and they just kicked me right in the stomach the entire fucking beat down um what did I order you didn't ask I got two double cheeseburgers and the fucking large fry

and I enjoyed every second of it and I distinctly remember at least three times Nia looking over at me telling me to slow down I fucking ate like an I you know I ate like a guy that fucking ordered out for McDonald's so as you can tell my gym can't get here soon enough um I ordered I ordered all of my shit from rogue fitness thanks a lot for not fucking hooking me up and recognizing my h-level celebrity status you could at least give me a fucking one kettlebell you couldn't even do that but I gotta beg you guys you know I love about it as I don't owe you anything and if your fucking weights show up and they're too heavy I'm gonna trash it um I ordered the weights and I wanted the colorful ones and Nia teased me out of it she actually used like some sort of like Jedi

mind trick with a little bit of fucking homophobia she's like those are the ones you're gonna get that rainbow color she goes they look a little corny I go I like them they're different like the 45s are blue and then the um 35s are a nice lime green and then the 25s are yellow well I didn't think it seemed more than didn't seem effeminate to me it seemed more like uh Fisher Price's first uh I know your first fucking dumbbells I don't know so she teased me into getting the fucking manly ones you know like the Clint Eastwood ones the old school fucking ones so I got those in a weight bench and I got a little fucking retractable rack with my pull-up bar and uh I don't know we'll see what happens you know it's funny as I have the ability

to do squats with this thing if I want to and like most guys I hate doing legs I don't know what it is it's just it's not sexy you know what I mean you fucking do anything in the upper body you know all you do is you do like one set you spend the next 20 minutes flexing in the mirror but with your legs you're just like ow fucking hurts you know and you just you really don't get anything out you don't there's no ego boost to legs right if you fucking never miss leg day like you're you're the level of discipline that you have I I have to respect that I put you right underneath people that have the balls to explore an underwater cave you know all right and with that let's uh let's read a little bit of advertising god knows it won't be rogue fitness some motherfuckers

where did they get off blowing off and nobody like me can you fucking believe that every goddamn day you're on tv and they show somebody right somebody who used to be on charles in charge is getting a new fucking deck you know he's getting his dream deck and he's go oh my god I can't believe you guys did my wife set this up all I asked for was a couple of fucking you know barbells they didn't even get back to me it's coming off real cold rogue fitness um anyways by the way rogue fitness according to them all of their shit is made in made in America no granted they might be using illegal immigrants you know with welding masks or whatever the however the fuck you make weights you know you know they're doing that and making horseshoes and like fucking 20 other things

poor bastards um you know what donald trump wants them out of the country uh I'll tell you um all right me undies everybody oh boo boo boo me undies me undies I'm a fucking fat shit if I keep eating McDonald's I won't even get to wear underwears but if I do I can dry off my balls and fucking flush him down the toilet in a bathroom stall I always say bathroom stall now okay whether you're wearing a suit or sweats you spend almost 24 hours a day in your underwear unless you're like a fucking filthy animal I never understood guys that don't wear underwear because I swear to god no matter how much you shake your dick after you take a piss no matter how much you're fucking wipe you even stick a whole box of cleanups up there there's always

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homepage and type in burr burr that stamps.com uh enter burr so oh billy fucking drumstick i got these uh these new zilgen symbols right um the fuck do you spell zilgen where are they oh they got these new fucking symbols right that they actually made they almost look like you remember those mesh shirts that people wore in the 80s um they look like that right and uh they thought it'd be this cool new sound and it barely made a sound so they thought they was a they were a failure until somebody figured out that they're actually great for practicing that they're actually great for practicing and if you can't you know play loudly so i obviously didn't make a drum room so i have my little practice pad kit and now i got symbols on

them and they're the fucking shit they're still loud as hell i can't play with my wife is home but you know she's always working so when she leaves i sit down and play and i gotta admit man they're fucking awesome and you know a couple hundred bucks it's not that bad nice and fucking cheap you get to play along and even though they got all the fucking holes in them you can still bounce the sticks work on your little technique there you know be a little maniac whatever the hell it is you want to do where the hell are they oh they're not called sound off what the fuck are they god damn it i gotta get the names of these things because they're fucking awesome look at this shit i should have said i do they they wouldn't give me any free shit would they i want free shit man i've come

to that point i want some free fucking shit god damn it let's start talking about apples i'm gonna start small all right zilgen l80s series lv38 low volume symbol box set look at this right here you can order them right here online for 200 bucks i got fucked i didn't know that god damn it i spent like 70 extra bucks what a dope ah jesus christ look at it i had to fucking wait like a month for him to come in what is wrong i just don't like computer i should try i should try to like computers more of you once in a while oh shit it's already 34 fucking minutes isn't it um and it's late at night and i got an early day tomorrow so uh was there anything else that i wanted to talk about you know i'm so sick of people talking about their fucking brackets i don't give a fuck oh

dude by the way i was uh here's an la story for you i was out in my car the other day right and all of a sudden like four fucking police cars just went flying by me and then this and right above me there was like i swear it seemed like another four fucking helicopters and i was like what the fuck the fuck is that right so i go home later and i watch the god damn news and some fucking maniac had stolen a police car so the first fucking one that went by i never saw the guy was actually the fucking dude they were chasing i thought it was a bunch of them going and i swear to god if they they had to been doing like fucking 90 miles an hour down this road that was like a 30 mile an hour zone right so uh you know they fucking follow the guy yada yada yada and all

that he won't stop they spin him out they won't stop and then finally this fucking cop in like the police suv just fucking gives them the old right there fred to the fucking driver's side door just totally just cave this thing in i was just like oh jesus christ that's at least a separated shoulder for life and uh i guess they ended up shooting the guy i mean you know i mean at some point you you know you have to use deadly force somebody's driving 90 miles an hour around just regular people you know if he was around irregular people that's understandable you can go up on the sidewalk nobody cares but he was around he was around regular people they spun him out he wouldn't do that you know they fucking removed his shoulder with an suv and this motherfucker is still going at

it and they just ah you know we get what you're communicating you don't want to be here anymore and then that was it fucking unreal man gave me the creeps seeing somebody drive by knowing like this was the last like fucking 30 minutes of their life unbelievable but having said that i would rather go out like that than get lost in an underwater fucking cave god damn it i i there were like a documentary on this gotta be something i got lost in an under you know and you know the deal like it's always like they tell those stories and the guys like they're playing the creepy music and it was like yeah me and a buddy of mine decided that we were gonna go explore some underwater caves and they just keep you know they start doing the reenactment and they just keep

cutting they know they show two divers but they just keep cutting back to the same guy and after like the third time they go back to him you're like all right obviously the other dude fucking died or he got some serious fucking brain damage something happened because he's not in the documentary what the fuck is going on and sure enough you know then there's always that creepy thing of like well how come you lived and your friend didn't i know what happened you fucking panicked and you grabbed his fucking regulator whatever the fuck you called it right and then you had all the air and he didn't have any and you got to go to bed with that every night you know i don't i don't what the fuck i'm talking about all right listen i have to go to bed i got some

shit to do i apologize happy st patrick state everybody i hope you guys had a great one uh i hope you guys have a wonderful fucking weekend and i know there was something else i wanted to talk to you about something that happened to me earlier in my week i can't fucking remember all right maybe on monday maybe i'll remember it monday i'll write it down okay that's it have a wonderful weekend you cunts and i'll talk to you on monday and she changes everything she touches and everything she touches changes she changes everything she touches

all right let's get down to the uh the podcast questions of the week as i said people send these things into me and i never have them in front of me which causes long awkward pauses all right uh okay here's the podcast question number one bill what does an east coast transplant do on st patrick's day you already know what it's like in boston and a new york city is it the same or does no one in la really care um i might have mentioned this on my other podcast i do not participate on st patrick's day actually went out last night you know i went out i got myself a couple of jameson's and i had a corn beef sandwich and that's it i do not go out on st patrick's day it is uh it's amateur night the same way new year's eve is a bunch of people

who uh don't know how to drink drink way too much they wear green plastic hats they sing the fucking the green alligator and along the goose all these stupid ass fucking songs and uh i don't know it's it's it makes me sad st patrick's day it makes me sad because uh when i look at what the irish culture has chosen to focus on it's no wonder we're all a bunch of angry psychopaths that uh even when we go to therapy evidently it doesn't affect us i don't know is anybody else irish out there like ever go to a wedding that's not an irish wedding i went to a jewish wedding and i went to a wedding a long time ago this girl who's uh pakestinian and the weddings they were beautiful it was really a nice environment it was all about the union

of two people who are going to spend their lives together and a celebration of that and you go to an irish wedding and the the the main focus is is like when you get the invites like dude is it going to be an open bar really i'm fucking there that's what it is that's all people give a shit about is can i go there and get fucked up for for no money that's the big question and then people get hammered and then resentments come out and then inevitably there's going to be a fight maybe that's why i like hockey reminds me of weddings i went to when i grew up so uh getting back to your question now people do celebrate st patrick's day out here it is uh i go to this place uh tom bergens down on uh fairfax just south of wilshire because it's

it's a mellow place they got a jukebox in the corner they play in music but it's like background it's not like you're going to listen to this whether you want to or not sort of martial law sound system that they have in all these other bars where you got to sit there and scream at the person next to you much like they scream on espn look at me just tying everything together this fucking week so yeah no they definitely celebrate it obviously it's not the way it is back east because there's not a bunch of uh there's not as many irish people out here but they're definitely out here they definitely do drink and they wear the green hats and all that type of shit but there's no parade there's no bagpipes there's just the booze we just just basically bare bones

to the couple of corned beef sandwiches in the corner and there's 12 000 cakes and a bunch of plastic oh I gotta tell you something right now I did a show in Dublin Ireland and all the crowds were great but I gotta tell you those fucking people in Ireland are the funniest this I can't even explain I swear it was something about like when I go through Great Britain and Ireland it's like Scotland and Ireland they're like the knuckleheads that I grew up with and when I go to London London is like was is kind of like all the people that I met when I went to New York that were from Boston so

they they did move away from where they were from but they still brought that thing with them because people in London are hilarious but I was doing a show Dublin on Monday night at the the vicar vicar street theater or something just this awesome venue and anyway so it was on a Monday night that's a really hard night to try and sell tickets and these people showed up and forced and I can't even tell you how they they were fucking hilarious like I was on stage and there was this thing I was talking about about people hugging their kids and now that could is a good thing but if you do it too much you could potentially make a weaker so I mentioned and all I've been telling this story for like six to eight months and I've

been saying how that you know my mother wasn't a hug hugger and didn't hug us when we were kids and people just listen and it's just a small detail that leads to this other part that I want to talk about so I've said that line uneventfully that's even a fucking word with with no no issue whatsoever for like six months now I'm in fucking Ireland and I just throw that line out there like I'm not even thinking about and say yeah I said you know my mother didn't hug me when I was a kid and I'm getting ready to say the next sentence and like 15 percent of the crowd goes I'm not even doing it the way they did it just collectively broke my ball it was just such the classic fucking it was like that Boston Irish thing that I grew

up with distilled to its purest form with actually real Irish people where you almost have to be that a fucking understand what was behind it it was like I opened the emotional door just a crack and automatically it's just they just bust your balls about it like yeah you're fucking you know what like you think they I think we got hugs your freckled cunt shut the fuck up and tell the joke I can't even it just I I've been trying to I would try to explain it to me as she laughed but it's still yeah you kind of had to be there and then you know so I laughs like I'm not fucking trying to get your sympathy I'm trying to get to this mess next part you assholes and the whole crowd fucking laughs and then like a half hour later what I had done when I was over there was

I bought a bunch of DVDs with me like just the basically the DVD itself with this little paper thing I was just handing them out to people because I'm trying to get them to show other people you know when I'm out there so I can keep coming back basically trying to get them to spread the word in my comedy and then someone's just like well why don't you just put it on Spotify you dumb fuck and I'm like yeah because I'm old all right I feel like I have to bring the hard copy so I tell these assholes that I'm giving them free DVDs at the end of the show and I'm halfway through that spiel telling them that they're getting a free DVD all right and I'm in the middle of it and I hear this guy in the back the guy goes oh fuck off

I don't even think I didn't even explain what I was doing I don't know if I had gotten to the part where they were free I don't know what the fuck or it was the fact that I was trying to once again go to a nice place where hey you know I really appreciate you guys coming out this really means a lot to me and I want to keep coming back here because I think you got a great country or whatever and I just just open in the door that much oh fuck off so I finally just looked at and I went Jesus Christ they were already laughing I was like you know what I've played in 20 almost 22 years as a comedian I have played in front of some miserable motherfuckers but you guys and they were already laughing are the most miserable fucking cunts I've ever been in they loved it

absolutely loved it and um it killed me that I couldn't go out drinking with the crowd because I had to fucking go uh having an early flight of course I am all right big question Bill I'm a gay guy and a fan who has never has never has any problem downloading your podcast oh Jesus Christ I'd send you a free fucking dvd if you gave me a fucking address amount of you cunts who just can't I what's with the podcast they can't download it what is with you it's not me my website is fine it's never crashed anyways you say I mentioned that because in the comments every week your listeners seem to think

there is some correlation between not being able to download it and being a fag first this they're actually quoting one of my jokes if you haven't seen the joke okay if you think I have a bunch of homophobes I did this bit called what are you a fag and it had to do with it was actually anti-homophobia although some gay people the second they hear fag they stand up and yell homophobe and what run out of the room I call that story Seattle um anyways first this email isn't meant at all to get you to censor or to be pc I like your stuff a lot your point of view is hilariously balls out and usually different from the same old comedy cliches but I'm curious with all the hundreds of things you and your listeners identify as gay do you really still

think most gay guys are the old stereotypes on most sitcoms and in Leno's monologue jokes oh Jesus you're gonna talk down to me sir is that what it is is that what you're gonna do here yeah I I think that I think you all go like the food is here don't you guys sing everything easy really really of course I don't think that it's just funny and not to mention what we say stuff is gay it has nothing to do with homosexuality okay when you say you know you like this lamp no it's fucking gay why is it gay look at it it's just it's gay all right it just means it's lame this thing you know what it is it just gives you that you know anything that gives you that feeling of um it's not love I don't know what it is

what I you know I don't even know what the word is what is that fucking word when you're just you know when you're just sitting there your girl like you take a night off from work and you're sitting there with your girl and you know and she you know you rent a video whatever the fuck you do now snap your fingers and it appears in your tv i'm so fucking far behind I can't even use an ipad I don't know I don't know what your kids do nowadays back in the door you went to a day you went to a fucking video store all right and pretended to want to watch a fucking romantic comedy when you really wanted to walk through those saloon doors and look at the porno right that fucking feeling when you come home when you're sitting there and you've made some food

and your girl gets all excited it's like any night you know it's just us you know just us just enjoying each other whatever that fucking feeling is that's gay okay but I don't know what to call that fucking feeling to me that's gay all right not even once in a while I'll look like a fucking chair or a lamp or someone asked me to do something and I get that same feeling like that's fucking gay I don't want to do it that's nothing to do with gay people all right so don't get sensitive on me sir I know you're not I know this person's not being addicted so anyways he says uh do you guys think we're all uh the gay guys and the old stereotypes of the sitcoms uh or in Leno's monologues um is it because the ladies make you watch dopra and the view the view hags who just love having gay guy

girlfriends because they love emasculating men any friggin way they can oh I get this guy this guy's a bear he's one of those gay guys you know the kind of guy you're hanging out with in the construction site somebody picks on you right and this guy comes to your rescue fucking turns them all into a pretzel you know you're like Jesus Christ that's a fucking guys guy and then all of a sudden he just sits down and just just something about the way he's crossing his legs you're like what the fuck is with this dude all right and then one day he just says listen I've got something to tell you I see what you're saying I get it that's like me being a german irish guy and I'm like we're not

all nazis and drunks but you know if you put on the history channel or if you go out on st patry patty's day you know you you sir you're defined by the worst of your group unfortunately that's kind of how it works um but no I don't obviously don't think people like that I saw will and grace didn't they have both ends of the spectrum will was sort of like you know just a regular guy and then the other guy was just like oh my god right singing my lines no I didn't I thought that that guy was actually good right why do I answer these fucking questions you know all it does it just expose how fucking stupid I am um so anyways he says so do you still think after seeing the gay soldiers in the news and the boring normal gay

marriage activists dude I don't think that nobody thinks that I actually some people think that no I don't think that all right I'm just breaking balls they're twinkle toes um are the only gay guys well I'm just gonna keep reading the rest of this for whatever fucking reason are the only gay guys who have been out to you uh out to you really just hairdressers and interior decorator how many examples are you gonna give me all right okay I'm done with that no I don't think they're all like that all right so this is what I tell you yeah I understand that that some of you guys look like Mike Ditka and act like Mike Ditka yet you know don't like Mike Ditka for the same reasons I do I understand that sir I think a lot more people do understand that um you know yeah there's all

kinds of stereotypes out there all right look at them for the redheaded male you know you think I don't want to be a fucking you know star in an action movie and be the guy who knows every type of karate and kick the shit out of people and shoot the gun do you think they're ever gonna give that role to a fucking freckled faced pasty redheaded jackass like me they're not all right who am I gonna be I'm gonna be the guy who needs to be rescued or the guy who's good with computers all right we all got a fucking axe to grind sir all right so maybe you were just checking in maybe you're just making sure um you know I didn't even get his joke a really gay question like I'm gonna say that question was gay you see what he's doing he was like mocking me and showing his sense of

humor at the same time you see that he was testing my intelligence while flirting um I had a gay question last week I said what do you call a group of gay men this gay guy says evidently they're called a giggle a group of gay men are called a giggle no they're not there's no fucking way all gay guys call a group of gay men giggles you know who call that douchebags who happen to be gay I'm sure that they say that a giggle go fucking blow someone um I swear to god if I was ever to have the charisma of a mass murderer that's who I would kill douchebags all groups would be allowed to stay around but you would have to prove to me that you weren't a douchebag and if you were then who would you make fun of

you do oh you