Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-22

Episode Date: March 18, 2022

Bill rambles about St. Patrick's Day, shoe throwing, and food poisoning. Zip Recruiter: Find the right employees for your workplace with ZipRecruiter.  Try it FOR FREE at this exclusive web address — ZipRecruiter,com/burr

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There are many legends associated with the life of Saint Patrick. According to one, he miraculously drove all the snakes of Ireland into the sea. He is said to have used the three leaflets of the shamrock to explain the concept of the Holy Trinity. The Holy Trinity is that garlic, onions, and something else in New Orleans. He reportedly raised as many as 33 people from the dead. Oh, he's like Irish Jesus. Except typical Irish guy, he didn't do it for himself like Jesus did, the selfish hippie. He did it for other people.

He did it for other people. And then we're like, Paddy, Saint, say Paddy, you all right? And he's just like, yeah, I'm good. Well, don't you want to fucking live forever? No, no, I'm fine. No, I'm fine, laddie. You just go on and you're fucking whatever the fuck you want to do. Anyway, happy pain, Saint Patrick's Day to everybody.

If you're smart. Oh, shit, my kid's taking a nap. Sorry, if you're smart, you know, and you're of a certain age, you'll stay out of the bars. I mean, this is just a shit show. People just, they should be, you know, you go to a bowling alley, they give you bowling shoes. Like this is the day they should just, you should come in, check your shoes, and you get a pair of shoes to puke in. Right? You'll puke in loafers.

There's a number on the back. Every number says zero. Yeah, I'm not going to lie to you. I used to go out on Saint Patrick's Day. But I didn't, not very long. By my late 20s, I was just like, all right, this is fucking stupid. You know, this is the Valentine, this is Valentine's Day for alcoholics. Wherever you can't get a fucking seat.

Everything's booked up. There's a line everywhere. It's a big fucking pain in the ass. Everybody's dressed like an asshole. It's the exact same thing. Why don't I go out boozing on the 18th? When I can get a seat when everybody's hungover. Same thing, right?

Celebrate your relationship on February 15th or 16th. Although I think the restaurants are starting to get a little wise to it. But they can't really justify it yet. I think eventually they're going to move it to Valentine's Week. Spelled W-E-A-K. But fortunately, you know, most of the women that I've been talking to, they're all like, yeah, I think it's fucking stupid. Let's check this out here.

Wait, does that mean there's no snakes in fucking Ireland? Are there? Well, since St. Patty left, they all came back. Are there any snakes in Ireland? Wow, that's a nice setup for a joke. Yeah, talk to my neighbor. All right, Ireland is one of many countries where there are no snakes. Wow, they must be fascinated by those fucking things.

There's snakes in my country and I fucking, I'm freaked out by them. You can't tell where they're going. You know what I mean? They got too many moves. You just got to stare at the head. You know, you're running back. You just, you know, you just look at the hips. Aim for that shit.

Don't go for the head movement. The snake's the exact opposite. All right? Fucking sidewinder. Looking at you. He's going to the side. They got to have something called a snake killer, right? Big goddamn pole with a fucking meat cleaver on it.

No snakes in Ireland. Isn't that amazing? I guess they can't swim, huh? They must have missed the boat. Because according to, you know, these fucking people here, whatever you call them, the people that actually study like land. What do you call those people? Landscapers?

Horticulturists? No, smarter than a landscaper, smarter than a horticulturist, smarter than a paleontologist. They like hang with paleontologists. They give each other a little tip of the cap. And I think they look down on horticulturists, botanists, landscapers. Like, landscapers are the cigarette smokers of people that work with the land. You know, despite, I feel their work is displayed more often than anybody else's.

You know what I mean? But then I think that kind of means you're more like that Andy Warhol guy, who I have to tell you is just, I don't get that shit at all. It's a soup can. I'm commenting on the fucking capitalism. Oh, that's fantastic, Andy. That's amazing. You got anything else?

Would you paint a coat hanger with, we love our customers on it? Painfully. I'm going to have to ginger bake. I'm fucking, I'm trying to get controversial here, man. I'm trying to get more listeners. All right. I went after a dead fucking ginger baker a couple of weeks ago. Now I'm going after a dead Andy Warhol.

I will tell you the one thing I do feel for Andy Warhol is some psycho chick shot him and really went to jail for like fucking, you know, a year or so. And that was it. And then years later, he died from complications from those gunshots. Although, I don't know, you talked to so many people that hung out with him. He said he said he was a bit of a toxic cunt, but that doesn't mean that some, what was it? She called it the scum manifesto.

That's what it was. You know what I mean? This is back when they, you know, if they just had social media back then, she could have just tried to cancel them through like, you know, Twitter or something. But back then, you know, if you were an angry white woman, you had to take the matters into your own hands. Then even then you still got treated like a white chick. I don't want to let you white broads are thinking,

Bill, you got to let her nerve as a white male saying this shit. It's like, well, I'm just trying to get you guys to sit down at your seat at the same table. There's something that's been bugging me throughout this whole fucking air quote movement. The way fucking white women have been doing, you know, not all white women, I'm not saying at all, but the fucking loudmouth ones. If I see one more white woman talking about what a fucking victim she is, I'm really only talking about one in particular. Anyway, what am I doing here?

Snakes in Ireland, St. Patrick's Day. This is going to be yet another podcast slider. I am in the middle of an acting gig here. I will be halfway done with it later on this week. So I don't have a lot of time to pay attention to what's going on in the world, which is why I'm bringing up people that died years ago and saying that they're not, what other dead person are you going to go after, Bill? You already went after Jesus too.

You called him a hippie. It's not like there was a barbershop on every corner back then. You know, I don't think he was a hippie. I don't think hippies walking around and let other people wash their feet. Although I think that that was a really, like, you know, I think it was a way to show respect back in the day. It can't be. I don't think there could ever be a time that that was.

You know, I love all of that shit though. Remember that time those, you know, that guy in the Middle East threw his shoes at fucking George W. Bush? You know, and the way he ducked and got out of the way, you knew he had no business being president. You know what I mean? Because he fucking ducked those things like a champ. Politicians are stiff as a fucking board.

His fucking eyes lit up like Mike Singletary when he saw that guy stand up and he fucking ducked twice. You know, as funny as then they dragged the guy out and he didn't have his shoes either. I want to know why that's such a fucking insult. That is one of the, you know, there's the white glove across the face. Different cultures. Wait, wait.

Throwing shoes, side of a fence. Throwing shoes, insult. All right. And shoe throwing or shoeing, shoeing the souls of one's shoe or you shoes to insult are forms of protest in many parts of the world. Oh, shoe throwing as an insult dates back to ancient times, being mentioned in the verse eight of Psalm 60 and the similar verse of nine of Psalm 108 in the Old Testament.

Well, can you give me a fucking quote? List of shoe throwing incidents. All right, here we go. I mean, I got to go Mike Milbury. Mike Milbury fucking US President George W. Bush ducking a shoe while Iraq Prime Minister Nori Almaki attempts to catch it. Wait, if he catches it, does that mean you're out? Is it like dodgeball?

Do you not get to fucking be offended again? Shoes, shoe throwing a shoeing. The sum all that shit. Modern incidents where shoes were thrown at political figures have taken place in Australia. Oh, look at that. Australia looks like you have a bunch of cunts down there too. India, Ireland, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Pakistan, the United Kingdom,

United States and most notably the Arab world. Protesters of George W. Bush's face have long appeared through the Middle East with shoes attached to them. And some people have called former Senate Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Kondara, a Kondara, I guess, Lisa Rice, meaning shoe. Shoeing received attention after, I can't say these, Montadhar al-Zaydi threw his shoes at then U.S. President George W. Bush

in a 14th of December 2008 press conference in Baghdad. I don't know how the fuck these politicians do that shit. Just be the mouthpiece for these corporations and then everybody fucking blames you and not the fucking corporations. And you're walking around just being like, this entire country that wants to throw their shoes at me because of what they think I wanted to do. Well, it's good to know we still arrived.

How about a shout out for Montadhar al-Zaydi? You know, you got to do that. I mean, at some point, what are you going to do? You just sit there and let these fucking assholes come into your country? You got to say something, right? I'm just trying to fill, you know, by the way, I'm not trying to be anti-American here. I'm just trying to follow the narrative that we now have.

Now we are against more powerful countries invading weaker countries. So I'm just trying to toe the line, man. You know, me, government told me to wear a mask. I wore a mask and now they're telling me that I shouldn't be, you know, supporting Russia going in a more powerful country, going into, you know, the fucking Ukraine. So now it's just 1984, so now we fucking, we go all the way back, we change everything.

Am I doing it right? Am I doing the math right? I have fucking no idea. I have no idea what's going on in the world, which is why I'm talking about some guy who threw his shoes at George Bush. I remember being really disappointed that he missed him. You know what I mean? I mean, I always root for the president, you know. I gotta tell you something, speaking of that,

I really missed sideways at the podium, Donald Trump. You know, I really fucking miss, I don't miss anything else about that guy, other than the bizarre following that he has, where people actually think he's a smart guy. When it's right there for everyone to see that the guy could even keep a fucking casino going in a casino town, he takes advantage of bankruptcy laws, and fucks over the working man, like fuck you, I'm bigger than you sue me. Any chance he gets, you know?

And then how does he act? How do his followers act when they find that out? The working class people that so love that guy, they act like Houston Astrofans. Everybody steals sides, right? He fucked over the working, they all do it. Wait a minute, I did that as a Patriots fan. Alright, I'm a hypocrite.

But I don't do the politics, makes me better than you. March Madness has arrived, ladies and gentlemen, and it's time for you to take your hard earned money that you saved up to send your kid to college and blow it on Marquette. Let's see, what is March Madness, does Marquette even in it? March Madness schedule. Oh my god, the Madness has already begun. Memphis, number nine, Memphis.

Got a sizable lead over Boise State, Norfolk State, getting the pounding you knew was happening from Baylor. When did Baylor become a powerhouse in basketball? They're playing Norfolk State. Is that like Norfolk County in Massachusetts? Tennessee, Tennessee, I watched one of their games this year. I had somebody on that team that could throw it down. There's a lot of teams this year that are in it I never even heard of.

Marquette is playing, they're playing UNC. Today at 1.30, I'm going to watch that. I'm going to watch some of the March Madness. Anyway, you know what, why don't I just talk about the only thing that I do have to talk about, which is being on this acting gig. Man, we did some great shit this week. I'm not even going to lie to you. Every fucking day has been, you know, the actors on this thing have been crushing it.

So all I'm thinking is, you know, because I'm walking around the set going like, this is going to be a fucking great movie, am I crazy? All these people have been in the business, so they're going like, yeah, I see that face like, you know, you never know how it comes together. So that's the only thing making me nervous. But I think, you know, I think we got some fucking great shit. And I'm kind of getting excited because I've been looking at the dailies. Fuck that, I've been looking at the dailies.

I know they look great. All right, I'm not going to lie to you guys. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but what I'm doing, I think it's looking good. And to update you on my food poisoning, I'm still, I don't know, I'm still having some issues, if you know what I mean. I don't know, I can't stay fucking hydrated. I'm drinking the bubbly shit. I'm drinking the LaCroix.

I have a fucking water. Every time I have any liquid, I feel like, you know, I got to stay like, you know, fucking bent over for half a second, like my stomach deals with it. So I got so sick of eating like fucking plain white rice and crackers. And which by the way, if you know, you can't call the Redskins the Redskins anymore, which I totally understand and can't believe it went as long as it did. Why are we still allowed to call crackers crackers? Huh?

I mean, that's ridiculous. I want to know where the progressive movement, what is the narrative on crackers? Anyway, I once again, I just woke up this morning and I was just like, you got to be kidding me. Like, when is this going to be over? All right, I don't want to gross you guys out. But like I said, okay, I am now a firm believer that the human beings are 90% water. You know, and I always wanted to, you know, when people like, you know, jump off something and they hit the ground and they just fucking splat.

You know, if you yourself as you like solid, you're not, you're like a fucking water balloon. All right, Bill, what else do you want to talk about? I'll tell you what I want to talk about. How much I miss flying them. You know, I'm not allowed to fly when I'm doing this stuff. So all I've been able to do is I just, you know, I run her up, you know, once a week, let her go for 15 minutes, you know, just so I can get the fluids going through. It's never good for an engine to be sitting there or anything like that. And I got a buddy of mine that flies it once a week, which is all it needs.

But there's just like this time of the year is the best fucking time of the year to fly when it's starting to get hotter. But when it's like still cool out and you get a few of those days where it's like it was windy or something like that the day before. And it blows all the haze out and all of that shit. And you get up there and it just it's just one of the most beautiful cities. I mean, what the fuck do I know? It's the only city I ever flew over. But I'm telling you, yeah, I'm telling you right now, if you ever want to take a fucking helicopter ride, you got to do it in LA if you're in the real estate. I mean, it's just some it's just one sick ass home after another right next to another sick ass home with no fucking yard whatsoever.

But there's like a big thing when you have money that you want to have a view. You know what I mean? Because not only do you get the breathtaking view, which is amazing. You also get to look down on all of these people that you're beating. You know, I got more money than you. I got more money than you. I got more money from those fucking skyscrapers all the way out to the fucking ocean. You know, you stand out there on your astroturf grass right in front of your infinity pool.

Open robe. Just surveying what you've done. All right, now that I've made fun of that, that would be fun to do it. Even if you did it mockingly, it's just fun. Anyway, well, I will tell you this, I do know this about food poisoning. Food poisoning, it's like bulimia and anorexia without the guilt. You know, because you drop the weight, you really can't eat whatever you want and you won't put on any weight. It's just fucking, fucking brutal.

So anyway, I was not going to do shit today, but I got to learn some fucking lines. For Saturday, which I feel is, I feel like I got like all like, you know, when you do these things, right? All the great actors, I feel they just keep reading the script and reading the script and reading the script, which is great because you know your moments before. And then also you can build an arc for your character, you know, somewhere to go with it. So you're not like peeking too early in the movie. And then the other thing is, is there's always like two or three scenes where you're like, all right, I got to fucking nail that. I really need to fucking nail that. And then I can feel like I got like, it's like watching a football game and your team's up by seven.

It'd be like, yeah, but if we're up by like, we get another touchdown and a field goal, I can start feeling like we're going to win this game. That's what Saturday is for me. When I get past that, I've done all, you know, these bigger things as far as like emotional shit I have to go through. And then we have, but then next week we have like a really complex thing to shoot, but that's it. That's more of a director thing. But the big acting thing is, is Tamara. I'm sorry, Saturday. So I got to fucking get ready to do that.

I got to tell you, I'm actually having a great time. All right, but I do have to do stand up either tonight or tomorrow because I got to be honest with you. I can't remember one joke in my act and I immediately have to do a fucking, you know, tour once this thing wraps. But I know what I'm going to do. I'm just going to fucking, I have like a week before I go out, right? And I'm just going to get on stage and just run it, run it, run it. I only need to do it three times. I do it three times.

I'll have the fucking thing up and running. And I'll get it going again. I've been doing this shit 30 years, so I can get it going. But I'm very excited for that. And I got some fun gigs coming up. I'll tell you, you know, if I didn't have to take a fucking shit every fucking three seconds, my life is pretty much perfect. And isn't that the balance, people? That is the balance.

You know what I mean? If you're going to win the lottery, you know, you're going to get fucking food poisoning after the crustaceans you eat that night celebrating or something. Something's going to just like balance it out. You know, I sense the stupid, there was this fucking thing I was watching. Is there anything funnier than watching a narcissist give fucking life advice on fucking Instagram? It's just fucking these fucking idiots. You know, anything funnier than that is the comments underneath with all these idiots are just going like, truth.

You know, that's how I approach it. It really is, you know, I should probably look at it more empathetic where you just sit there and you look at how, I don't know, just how empty and sad, you know, so much of life is, is you're trying to find some sort of meaning and purpose in it. Beyond how great it is on an afternoon to sit down and have a sandwich, be able to have a sandwich and hang out with a friend. Because anything beyond that, anything fucking beyond that is just like, it's this, right? But wait a minute, am I giving you life advice? Oh, fuck the guy who does a podcast with no go with no guests. Did I just say no ghosts?

That was kind of weird. Somebody told me a ghost story yesterday and I was just like, you know, I don't know. My thing with ghosts is I don't fucking believe in them. That has got to be the most profound, profoundly not deep thing I've ever said in my life. That's the way I pause before I said in the middle of that. My whole things with ghosts. Yeah. Yeah, what do you think?

I don't believe in them. I just don't, I don't understand the power that they have. All right, you scare me and then what? At the end of the day, I'm alive and you're dead. You're the one who's upset. All right. Do you want to talk about it? Sure.

Whatever your fucking deal is. I want to talk to people that have like haunted houses and I just say to them, why don't you fucking quit rolling over and showing your belly and trying to make the spirit, you know, come to rest? Why don't you just fucking talk to the ghost the way you would to any other asshole that barged in when you were sleeping? I think that's the major problem with ghost hunters is the level of respect that they have for these ghosts, like they achieve something. All right. They obviously did something in their life, you know, where God didn't want them and the devil didn't want them, right? I mean, I just think that these are some of the most legendary cunts in the history of humanity because if God doesn't want you, the devil takes you, right? For the devil to also be like, yeah, nah, nah.

I don't see that vibe fitting in down here, right? The basement apartment. So then you just doomed to fucking walk around a townhouse waiting for the sundown to go down or hoping somebody takes a fucking afternoon nap. I don't know. It's rather silly. But whenever somebody tells me a ghost story, they fucking believe it. They believe it. I don't know.

People walking through things, walking through walls, looking at him or lifting him up in a fucking bed. I don't know, man. I just like, it creeps me out. It's weird. I don't watch horror movies because I 100% take the right. They scare the shit out of me. Every single one of them, you know, unless it's just it's over the top slasher one and then I'm just sort of bored. But like, like all those saw movies, it's just so bizarre to me that people want to go sit there and like, you know, all these fucking people like,

this movie, the objectification effect in women and all that shit. Like that guy, you know, when he was saying he was trying to watch that episode of ballers on my last podcast, right? His girlfriend got upset because she thought it objectified women and that's why he was watching it and stuff. But like if he put on saw, you know, there's somebody chained to the floor and what was the whole thing with that? You got to saw your limb off. What was saw is the limb off first gets to get out of there or some dumb shit. That's got to be the number one reason to never wear a belt is if you're ever in a situation, it's like, well, you know, I would saw my limb off, but I can't stop the bleeding with the belt.

So, you know, if I was in that room, he saw your hand. He saw your hand. All right. I'd be like, all right, I remember biology. Where's the nearest artery? Right there. I just fucking just bleed out right there. Sorry, buddy.

Looks like you're going to have to go back to the Dairy Queen parking lot and try to get another victim. Because this guy just said, I'm not playing. I would love to fucking reboot that fucking thing myself and just say, you know, whatever that guy comes on, the fucking drive through speaker. And just like, if you want to get out of here, you need to pick up that hacksaw. And you need to saw off your foot or you saw off your hand. And I just have the person just be like, or else what? What are you going to do? What are you going to kill me?

Good. Then I don't have to saw my fucking foot off or my hand off. I'm not going to fucking, I'm not sawing my fucking foot off and then hobbling around for the rest of my life. What happened to your foot? I sawed it off. Why? Because I was getting a soft serve at a Dairy Queen. And somebody came up with the, you know, the club, those things from the 1990s that just broke your steering wheel and took your car anyway.

Yeah. He hit me over the head with it and then chained me to a floor. Saw your foot off. Go. I need it. All right. This is like something on, this is not sold separately. All right.

You either fucking leave with all of this shit or I'm dying. That's it. All right. You fucking weirdo. What happened to you when you were a kid? Your dad beat you with landscaping equipment. Sorry. All right.

Let's get to the, let's get to the, what is it? Oh, the advertising here. I was trying to think of how to beat Jason. The great thing about Jason is like, he scared the shit out of you, but it was over quick. You know, and also in my heart of hearts, I mean, I love anyone who's a hockey fan. I'm sorry. All right. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same.

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That is the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Enjoy the music and a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning morning podcast. And I will talk to you guys on Monday. We'll skin every other Sunday Looking for love with the brows and touch Still I'm wondering if I'm asking too much But I don't know What will they think of me? No money back for my film for free What's the company worth my pay?

Well, I'm thinking of you What time and what would you say? See you tonight Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 17, 2014, St. Patrick's Day, falling on a Monday. We're really going to see who the fucking real drinkers are this. You know when it falls on Monday. Either way, whatever.

I'm still touring Canada with the wonderful Paul Verzi, who is once again a special guest here on the podcast. Welcome, Paul Verzi. What's up, man? How you hanging in there? I'm doing well, you know. What do we got left? How many more days? I told you, I put the blinders on. I didn't think about getting home. You can't.

And we got, what do we got? We got tonight. We got, yeah, dude. We're three days away from being home. We got one tonight in Vancouver. Yeah. Then we're in Victoria. Then we go back to Calgary. Back to those animals.

Animals. Fucking animals in Calgary. Jesus, not the first show, the second show. Wow. Oh my God. I'm trying to, yeah, we wanted to reach out to people in Calgary before we just brand everybody in Calgary Animals. Like they were fucking pounding. You know what? That first show was great.

Yeah, they were great. That's second show, though. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, they were like... They were coming in with cases of tall boys. They were allowed to bring those little cardboard pallets. Hammered.

Hammered. Fucking hammered. And then they had like... I think part of it had to do with the fact that it was at a college, so I think there was college kids there. I just put myself in that mindset going, dude, I drank like that when I was in college. This isn't how... I don't know, though, dude. That wasn't all college people because I asked the crowd.

And like, that was just... I think that was a lot of just Calgary, man. I think that was late night. I think what was permitted on the premises turned them into fucking animals. Yeah. You know what? By the time I went on stage, when I got halfway through my set, most of them had kind of like passed out. It was getting quiet and I was standing up there going like,

am I bombing up here? And I just was looking at like five different people who were laughing their ass off and I'm like, I'm just gonna say in my head, they're sober. Like, there's no way if I'm really bombing, I got somebody laughing that hard. So I was just like, maybe this show's gone on too long. I'll say that was a rough one, you know? It was animals in Calgary. What was that, the zoo?

So fun. So then we were driving out. Me and Verzi were trying to find a place to smoke a stogie inside, right? Or they had this dead... What they had on that campus, which was really exciting to me, was they had the speed skating loop from the 1988 Olympics, and they still had ice on it. We were trying to get on that fucker.

Oh dude, that would have been a great YouTube video if they loaned us some speed skates. Going out there in our stand-up comedy clothes with those giant blades on it. I just want to be going fast enough. I want to be going fast enough where I'm turned so to the side, I can put those three fingers down, you know, when you go around the corner. Oh my god, yeah. Now I would have been on YouTube for the wrong reasons. Oh yeah, both of us would have.

I would have wiped out, and you know when they wipe out when the centrifugal force just takes you into the stands? Yeah, that would have been me. That would have been me. So anyways, we're trying to do that. We ended up finding this great place to smoke a cigar. So we're driving out, and we're trying to figure out what to do. We're talking about the show going like,

was it me or that first show was good, but that second show, wow. Did you feel the same way? And we're basically exchanging notes. And as we drive out of the venue, we see this group of fucking hammered people. And this guy, he's got, you know what those things like when they have a parade go down the street, those giant like metal. The barricades.

The barricades. Those metal ones that have like, it looks like a fucking, I don't know, whatever, giant metal barricade. This fucking guy picks it up with one hand, and he's got it over his shoulder, turns around, sees us coming, and then waves us through like he's some sort of official purse. For half a second, the way he did it, I thought he was. And then as I drove by, I'm looking at him,

and I see he's hammered, and then I see on his face it registers that were the two comics he just saw. So I just pull away from him, and as I'm driving, and you're going like, wow, man, that guy just had, was carrying that thing with one hand, what the fuck. I turn around and look in the rear view mirror, and this guy's running after the, we're doing probably like what, 15 miles an hour.

And this dude is running. I was saying, he looked like, you know, when they show highlights of Babe Ruth hitting a home run, when they show him running in fast. The fast legs, yeah. He was, I think he was mocking running. I don't think he was really going to do anything because I didn't get scared, but when I looked in the rear view mirror

and I just saw this guy, just imagine you're driving along after fucking working or whatever, and you're kind of halfway out of it, and then you look in the rear view mirror, and you see somebody running, but in this exaggerated way where he was like pumping his fucking arms like that, it was like he was mocking it. I didn't see it.

All I saw was you go, what the fuck, and you just stepped on the gas. But I was in the past. On that underpowered fucking rental car, so it goes, and all of a sudden you go, what the fuck? And I go, what? And you just stepped on the gas. You go, that guy just started running after the car.

And I was like, holy shit, because I saw one of his friends. Right. One of them just collapsed. Like they were so hammered that he didn't hit anything. He just fell. A guy just fell and I just saw his legs go up. Like they were fucked up. But I would be lying if like three times yesterday and this morning

I woke up and I was picturing that guy running behind the car and I laughed every time. It was fucking nuts. Yeah, those guys were hammered, man. Yeah, so we got a tip tip of the cap to the drinking ability. Yeah. Not encouraging that from when we come back Wednesday. We definitely like to have people try to behave

more like the first show where, you know, I don't feel like I'm interrupting your drinking with my jokes. Yeah, that was stuff. They were great though. The crowds were great. Yeah. Yeah, they were great.

But yeah, man, that was another level. Yeah, there was, there's always a couple. There's always a couple of hammered people, but that was where it was getting to the tipping point. Like kind of like, you know, right before Hitler took power where it's just like, what side am I going to choose here? Yeah, yeah. For my own survival is that's what the drunk versus sober level was.

By the time I got about 40 minutes into my set, it was kind of like, Well, that's the thing. You're doing, you're doing an hour plus. I'm going out there up front, you know, I could kind of see that they're animals, but you know, I could just you going out there by the time you're halfway through your set. These guys are like six tall boys in it's a shit show.

It's a fucking shit show. It was a shit show. Edmonton. Edmonton was unbelievable. Edmonton at that venue. You remember that one with the orchestra fucking place there? Oh yeah. That was great.

So then we have a great time there. And then the, we ended up, What the fuck did we go? I remember we kept leaving the hotel. We kept, we drove around a bunch. You had to get socks. Verzi is fucking hilarious. Verzi has not done laundry.

I bought new shit, you know. Dude, we're like 20 with what? We were 16 days in. Yeah. You got 16 days with the fucking socks and drawers. Yeah. I got them in a plastic bag and then I went to the store and I bought new ones, you know.

It would have cost me the same fucking thing. We got to take a picture of your bag at some point. Post it up. How big is it getting? Yeah. He has them on the outside pouch. Well, you're checking the bag. So I guess it doesn't matter.

But I just did mine for the second time. I fucking hate having dirty laundry. So you go back? Past a certain amount of days. Look, I'm doing three, four days in a row. Plastic bags, stuff them in the front or whatever. When you do laundry at home, do you do it or does your wife do it?

My wife does it. Yeah, yeah, me too. Hey, I got her in line, you know. Okay. So anyways, last week, oh wait, I got to finish the Edmonton thing. So Verzi is completely addicted to skating now and he wants to get better at it.

And so we're fucking in Edmonton the next morning. We got to drive down to Calgary. And Verzi's going like, there's got to be a place here to skate. So we find out they have, they have a skating rink at the mall. And not only is it a mall, it's one of the most giant malls in North America.

North America, yeah. West Edmonton mall. Yeah, rivaling, what's that one in Minnesota? Mall of America. Mall of America, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, which I've been to that one too. So we go to that one.

We're walking through there with our fucking skates. Two middle-aged guys walking through this thing with fucking skates. And we walk in there's like this giant pirate ship. I mean, like, you could sail the fucking ocean with this fucking thing. Yeah, it was a fucking official. And I look on the other side,

it was really deep water. And it took all this time to make it look like there was a shipwreck. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. I mean, like you could fucking... Yeah, it was monstrous, man. Yeah, like Shaq could drown in this water. If he didn't, that's how fucking deep it was.

It was huge. And we look on the other side, and I'm like, Paul, I'm like, is that a fucking sea lion? They had sea lions at this thing. They're like throwing it fishing shit. They're throwing it fishing. It was catching it.

A trainer was. It wasn't like people just walking by throwing shit from the food court. It was a trainer throwing it. And so we're just walking through the mall, walking through the mall, endless fucking mall. They had a water park there. Yeah.

It was insane. I didn't look at any stores. I was too distracted by the shit in the middle. And then we finally get all the way to the ice... Ice palace. And we got all excited. And we're the only people with skates just walking through, holding our fucking dumb skates,

and we get all the way to the other side. Verzi's all excited. Like, dude, I'm telling you, I'm going to get better at this. You wait. I was ready. By the end of the summer, he's already talking shit.

Dude, I'm calling it right now. I'm going to be fucking skating backwards. You're going to be like, what the fuck happened, Verzi? Yeah. Right? And then we show up, and there's a big judo tournament where the ice rink is,

and they'd fucking put all this flooring all over it. I was in denial. I'm like, maybe this isn't the rink. You're like, no, this is the rink. Dude, it says ice palace, pal. This is it. They covered it up. This is it.

I got upset, though, at the mall, man. Remember that girl, man? That really bothered me. We were walking through the food court, and, you know, we had a gyro. Great gyro at this place. Did you do? Yeah.

Yeah. A great gyro at this place called Jimmy the Greek. The one complaint, and you agreed. A little too much white sauce, and it was pasty. Yeah, it got a little pasty. It wasn't... Yeah, it was a little pasty.

He should have gone one scoop. He went to... One scoop less and a little hot sauce, and it would have been fucking... He got excited. He got excited. It would have been epic. Yeah, he got excited.

So then I said to Bill, you know, I like a little dessert after I eat. You know, I like a little candy bar. I like a little, you know, so I know... You like a little sugar in your tank. Like, like... So I go, Bill, man, it was a frozen yogurt place. I go, yeah, pink berry or something.

So I go, let's go frozen yogurt. See, all right. So we're walking by. Let's paint the picture. So two middle-aged men with skates are now trying... I don't like how you keep saying I'm middle-aged. You are middle-aged. I'm 30.

I just turned 35. 35 times two is 70. Most guys fucking drop. Well, I call it like... I call it middle-aged. Yeah, all right. What would you call it? No, I guess you're right.

I guess, you know, I always just... When I thought of it as a kid, I always felt, you know, it was... No, I don't know. I just remember, dude, it's... I don't know. What would you say? Forty? Forties, but I...

Forties. Forty... Dude, people live long, man. Dude, I'm fucking being 46. 46 times two is 92. I can't really sit there and say I'm middle-aged. I'll tell you the way I'm eating and smoking, you know? No, so we walk through and we're like, where was that...

Where was that frozen yoga place? Let's go to that frozen yoga place. So we see two young women walk by and we figure... I looked at them and I'm like, these ladies, they're going to know where a pink berry is. They're going to know where a pink berry is. So we walk up and you go first. You say to the friend, you go, hey, you guys know where... Oh, they're good-looking too, by the way.

Yeah, good-looking girls and you go up first. You go, hey, you guys know where the frozen yoga place is? She did a double take. She did a double take, so fucking rude, right? And she just was like, what? And then I looked at the other one and I go, yeah, like a pink berry. And she kind of just gives a shake off like, how would I know? And she fucking did.

This is what she did. She did the classic Pretty Girl. You're clearly just asking me this because you want to talk to me, thing. And I'm like, no, bitch, I want some fucking yoga. Okay, I want fucking, I want a fucking treat. You know, I just had lunch and it really bothered me, dude. And we were walking around and I wanted to find her. I wanted to find her.

They walked past us again. They did the loop on the food court. I didn't know that, but I said to Bill when we got to the car, I go, I wanted to find her because I would have just went up to her and go, you know something, I found it and you're a mean jerk. And then you go, why would you do that? You're a mean jerk. That's terrible.

What am I going to call her? A cunt? Well, don't call her anything if you're going to go with mean jerk. I mean, you know... I hate that Pretty Girl mentality. That Pretty Girl mentality. Just say you're mean or you're a jerk if you want to stay clean, but if you go, you're a mean jerk.

No, you're not, you're not, you're not pretty inside. You're not pretty inside. She doesn't give a fuck. She's the hot girl at the mall. Paul, put yourself in her fucking pumps. All right? With two fucking... Fuck her.

Jack asks to stand in there with ice skates when there's a judo tournament down the way, asking if they know where the fucking ice cream store is. They looked at us the way they were supposed to. You know what, dude? I like a sweetheart. I don't care how you look. I would love to hear them tell the story. And they come and then this just creepy guy comes up like,

Hey, you know what they are. Hey, you guys know. Yeah, but that's the way they're going to hear it, Paul. Paul, you ever watch those fucking prison shows? Which ones? Like the Scared Straight? No, not those ones. Well, they talk about the worst prisons in the country and that type of shit.

Oh, yeah, I've seen a couple of them. Yeah, and you just sit there watching it going, how the fuck would I go in there and not get raped? What would my game plan? He gets scared watching it in your bedroom. Right. Women have to walk out of the house worried about that. That somebody's going to, you know,

Dude, just imagine if, if, uh... Dude, I had a winter hat on with a puffy ball on top of it, holding ice skates, asking for yogurt. If anything, she probably thought I was fucking gay. No. You don't look gay, Paul. I know, but we just asked a question. You're not, you're not, your beard's too terroristy.

You need to get a little more metrosexual if you're going to do that. We were sweet, sweatpants on, dude, we were a mess. Everybody on the fucking ground. Yeah, that's what you look like. My beard, my beard actually fucking says everybody on the fucking ground. No, but dude, I, I don't like the pretty girl who can't be approached with a question because, oh, this guy's hitting on me. It's, it's awful.

And you know something? The guy, especially the blonde one who went like shook her head like what? She's going to be a nightmare. She's a fucking nightmare for some future guy. I'm telling you, she's a nightmare. She's already selfish. It's over. What if she just knows what she wants and we're not it?

Well, this is the thing, dude. You actually allowed, like how old do you think they were? Probably 21, 22. Yeah. You let a 21, 22 year old, a man's a girl at my age, not even a woman. The way she shook it off. You let her, you let her ruin like, dude, we're driving down the Calgary. Yeah, she ruined like a half hour.

We got the Rocky Mountains on the right hand side of the car and you're just still calling, you're calling her a cunt the whole way down. It bothered the shit out of me. It was like, why you, why would you ask me? How would I know? Dude, you realize how funny that is that they did that to us? Like what? Like, yeah, they really made us feel like shit.

That's fucking hilarious. If you look at it and the whole time is cause you wanted to get frozen yogurt. Dude, how funny would it be if we chased him down? And I went up to him. Dude, you got frozen yogurt with sugar-free gummy bears on it. It was all natural. No, organic gummy bears. How great would it be if we chased him down and I just walked up to her and I go, you

know something? You hurt my feelings. I just fucking broke down. You know, you hurt my feelings. I just wanted yogurt. Oh, by the way, the people listening here, this is last week, you know, you know, just trying to kill, just trying to make jokes to not go out of your mind being on tour this fucking long.

Yeah. Is we were doing the danger field, everything. I'll tell you, I got a friend of mine who loves yogurt, you know. So we were doing that. And once that went away, that got old somewhere along the line. You started doing it. You started saying really sentimental shit to me and then pretending like you were crying and then that just became like the running joke.

And then you started laughing and then you were just like, you got to do that on stage. Do that crying thing. So now we'll just go up and like, if we'll be like, hey man, I'm tired, but dude, you know what, hanging what you on the road has been great. You're the only one I could have done it with. And then bill would come and tag it. That's the best thing bill would come and tag it. I was hoping you were going to say that.

But it's been, it's been fucking wonderful for my anger. I'm going to try to do that when I get home. Just pretend like I'm crying, man. It's fucking hilarious. So two stories we go into eat and we have this Filipino waiter, right? By the way, I like to play the games where I say, what the hell were we? Was that Edmonton? Was that Calgary?

I was Edmonton. Yeah. I like to do this thing where sometimes I like to fuck with people. So I'll just get on a phone and I'll be like, bill, go along with it. And we'll be in an elevator and I'll go, what? No, that's horseshit. And like bill just be like, what happened? So like I said, like he had a parole officer called and he said, and bill goes, oh, they

worked it up. And then instantly burger goes, yeah, but what about that videotape? I go, no, no, they said it's insurmissable. And like, and like the guy, there's just a stranger there. Right. Sometimes I break out laughing. So bill calls it. He gets a little emotional guy.

So we turn this crying thing we do into like, this has been great. Right. We turn, we turn that into doing it in public. So we have this Filipino waiter, right. And the whole guy, guy was great. And he was talking to us. And at the end I just go, he goes, here's your bill. And I go, I just want to say so.

And I kept the dead straight face like, you've been a great waiter, man. And I put my hand on his fucking arm. And I go, you know, you're bringing the waters. He just, and bill just looks at him goes, he gets a little, he gets a little emotional. You know what I mean? No, but it's been, it means a lot. Guy didn't know what to do. Guy had no.

Because he was so fucking polite. And he was actually from the Philippines. So he's in. Dude, you jumped right in perfectly. My friend, he gets a little emotional. Like, no, but Billy, he'd bring the waters. Oh dude, he was freaked out though. No, that's the new game on the road.

But you had the best one. I got to say the best one was at the airport yesterday. We go to the airport yesterday and bill starts busting my balls about my laundry. And he goes, Verzi fucking 16 days and you're carrying, you know, dirty socks and underwear. And I go, dude, I go, I bought new ones. You know, the dirty ones are tied up tight in a plastic bag. And Bill just goes, just look at your emotions. And dude, I fucking could not walk.

I couldn't walk. And I had to stop pulling my fucking, the bag I checked because we were laughing so hard. It works though. It makes it, it makes it's fucking great. It's driving our tour manager nuts. Oh yeah. That's the one thing. Well, because women don't want to see a guy getting emotional like that.

It's just. Well, no, because once somebody cries, it's over. Yeah. Like when I go out afterwards and I'm taking pictures with people and stuff. I always come back. I was just saying, I gotta tell you, you know, I've seen a lot of people do that, you know, doing the picture thing, but you gotta be one of the best. She's going, would you stop fucking doing that?

Our wives are going to go nuts. Cause you know, the first thing I want, I see stays and you see your wife. We're just going to go. It's been so long. I missed you so much. No, you got to, you got to set it up with talking. You got to start off normal. You're going to say something really sentimental to them.

So they're almost crying and then you cry, which ruins their crying. And I swear to God, you get slugged in the shoulder, which is all you really want. How many minutes in here? I think it's time to do a little advertising here. You know, okay. What have we got? Did I just shut it off? No, I didn't.

Oh shit. 20 minutes in. I'll tell you, Paul, you know, time really flies with you on the podcast. It's been so fun. This is probably only funny to us, but I don't give a shit. Try it with your friends. The game is called, he gets emotional and just walk into a bar, just have one of your friends start hitting on a woman and then.

And then the other friends got to go along. Yeah. And then just starts well enough. And then the other guy goes, I'm sorry, he just gets emotional and he just got to let the other person deal with it. Dude, you're one at the fucking airport where you walked up to that lady at the little fucking, I sell gum, whatever the hell it is. Excuse me.

Do you have the, what are the biggest? No, I broke out. I go, Hey, man, what are the biggest condoms you got? Yeah. What's the biggest size condoms you have? I turned around and walked away. And you turned around and walked away and I'm just staring at her and I'm biting my tongue as hard as I can to not laugh.

And then I just burst out laughing. She said, what? And then when you went to repeat it, you just started to try to point to it and I lost it. You lost it and it had to walk away. Paul, we're punch drunk out here. All right. I got to do a little, got to do some advertising here. Okay.

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What do we got left here? I'll save those. One more here, Paul. What do you think? Back to the podcast? Back to the podcast. There we go. Back to the podcast.

All right. I'll tell you what I haven't enjoyed up here. Let me tell you. Dude, they show fucking hockey highlights. You can't believe. I'm not watching any games because I'm traveling and I'm totally staying up on it like that Sunday night when they show all the football highlights. It's incredible.

Everywhere we've gone down to sit, there's been a TV right there playing hockey. Staying right up on it. I'm watching the Bruins win. I'm watching Tyler Sagan having a great year, but they got smoked by the Sabres. I watched the Flyers highlights have a big win over the Penguins. I know Vancouver just beat Luongo down in Florida. I know that fucking old flashy toes there is back between the pipes in Montreal. Price.

Hey, look at me now. Vanic got his first goal as a Canadian. I'm sitting there watching this, Paul, as I'm having a beer with you and an Irish coffee and a pub around the corner. My listeners know that I never drink on St. Patrick's Day. It's fucking amateur night to use Jackie Gleason's famous phrase. Not if you do it early enough though. I think it's amateur hour tonight.

Listen, not if... But we'll be there. Not if you're in your hotel and all of a sudden they say there's a gas leak and you can fucking smell it. How about that? You run down the stairs. Then what are you supposed to do? How about that? You left half your shit in the room and you walk up the street and there's a guy with bagpipes playing.

The green alligator alone. You're not going to go in there? You know, I'm glad you had to look at the band. I'm glad that you're my vantage point with my back to them and you had to look. Because when she went into that like Irish hip hop beat and I just turned for a second so her like jumping up and down, I just, I probably would have lost. Oh yeah. I was going like...

I love what you said where you go, dude. I hope this is good, because if it's not, I'm just going to have to stare at my beer. Yeah, because she intro'd it and it was good. I just had a brutal version of it, but it was more saying... No, it was okay. They were actually very down. They were saying this is like Scottish beatboxing and I just looked at Paul and I go, Paul, she's about to do Scottish beatboxing from the old country and I go, this is either going to be amazing

or I'm going to have to sit here staring at my beer. Vancouver's awesome. Praying for it to be over. Well, let's go to the gas leak. So we're sitting here in the hotel. Oh, yeah. And you know, I know Verzi is not a morning person. I have not called you one...

I haven't woken you up other than before going to the airport just to make sure you're coming. So if we have a day off, I don't fuck with you. I let you wake up. Yeah, it's great. I don't poke the bear. So I know that we're going to do the podcast. We were going to try to do it around 12 noon here and I'm trying to sleep off this little cold that I've caught.

But all of a sudden you call me. I'm like, oh, great. Verzi's up. And then you're like, dude, dude, do you hear what's going on? There's a gas leak in the building. They told us to get out of here and I'm just sitting there like... No, I was walking out to go get lunch and all of a sudden I see a construction worker come in and he just runs in and he goes, hey, we got it running.

Like it scared me as I'm walking out. He just goes, hey, we got a gas leak and I just smell and there's 100 construction workers outside and just warning people to run down the street. It was like a fucking scene. So I'm going, oh shit, Bill's up there. So let me call Bill. It's a friend I am. They say shit that you thought about me.

So I call Bill and I go, dude, there's a gas leak and it smells. They're going to probably evacuate you. You cut me off. You heard gas leak and they're probably going to evacuate you. You go, dude, I'm on my way down. You just got the fuck out of there. I don't mind getting blown up. I'm worried about burning to death.

So I had to get the fuck out of this. So I'm grabbing everything and I'm sitting there going, I got to get out. I got to get out of here and I grabbed my watch and I'm like, that's going to be the move right there that fucking kills me. So I go outside, you know, try to find the exit and I'm running down the thing. And when I got to the right where I go, I'm on the fifth floor. Okay. These construction guys were working on some sort of line in the street and somebody fucked up and hit something.

So I got right to the fire escape doors, dude, and it smelled like when you go to light a grill and you think you have some juice left in your automatic lighter and there isn't. And you just take that extra three seconds to find some matches and then you light it. And it goes, whoa, what the fuck? That's what it smelled like a little more intense. And I'm thinking, I'm on the fifth floor of this fucking place. So I ran down those stairs and went out the side. And then I got out the side of the building thinking, okay, I'm safe and I still smelled it.

Almost worse. And I was standing right outside the hotel trying to find you and I could still smell it. I'm like, if this whole fucking thing's going up, I'm going to get knocked down my ass here because at the least, because I can still smell this shit. I got a hat on with the pom-pom, Paul. I'm going to go up like a fucking bowling alley. So then they finally, they told all of us to get the hell out of the way. And we backed up.

We went down the street. We got some breakfast and I thought it was really nice moment. It's never not funny. The nice thing is you got, you got the out here. You wouldn't have blown, you wouldn't have burned. Right with the balcony. Well, I have a balcony on the fifth floor and then there's like a patio right on the other side of it. I don't know, Paul.

When you're on fire, I don't mind blowing up. I just don't want to burn to death. Well, I have to choose. No, that's fucking awful. Yeah. If there's an explosion, I want to die. I don't want to be coming out, you know, running down the street like that naked girl in the Vietnam picture. That girl, like, she got burned by fucking Agent Orange.

That's what she's, she's running down the street because skin is hanging off her fucking backside. Horrible. It's fucking horrible, Paul. Yeah, but this, how great is Vancouver? Yeah, now that we got the image of a naked girl running down the street on fire. Yeah. That's all, but that's what I was thinking of. Sorry, that image touched me when I saw it.

Nobody should die like that. I swear to God, I hope they're finding this funny. The most annoying podcast ever. Whatever. Fuck you. You go to Canada for 20 days dancing like a monkey. You'd have to come up with some shit too. We get emotional.

Yeah. Vancouver, yeah. Vancouver's great. Love it. I loved Edmonton. Calgary, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance like that street right outside our hotel man and all these bars and all these great places to eat. Really, really fucking fun towns.

Yeah. And when I was in Winnipeg. Winnipeg was rough, you know? No, let me tell you, those people are tough, okay? Well, I saw it got the other day. I don't know how to finish it. No, dude, Winnipeg was like, you know me, I don't like to fly. After Winnipeg, I was like, let's go to the airport.

And the people were great. And the food was great. But there's no way, like, that part of the world to live there in the wintertime, it's you have to be a special kind of tough or you're out the second you turn 18. Like, fuck you parents, you're out. Yeah, no, the people were great. The food was great. We had great food.

Food was outstanding. What's that? That tortilla I had, which is a French-Canadian meat pie. Yeah. Flaky crust, they had the crust underneath. They didn't skimp on that. Sometimes you're on a shepherd pie or a meat pie and they just, you know, they fucking cook up the meat, stick it in a bowl and then they put just the dough on the top.

Yeah. I want this thing, you know. I want both parents to be there, right? I went on top and on the bottom, right? Just nestling that. And you gave me a piece of it. It was unreal. And I had chicken salad to make you cry.

You know, it was great. We had great food over there. Did you get emotional, Paul? I've tasted a lot of things, but that was... No. I, yeah. But my, you know, I, I loved the room last night. I loved that.

Like it's like kind of like a beacon theater right up front. That's what I loved. Edmonton was like long. Edmonton room almost was like Carnegie. It was just deep and layers. I was on that night, dude. I went out there and the fucking ADD was working to my, sometimes it fucks me up. It was working great.

Oh, dude. Edmonton, fucking. Just shuffled the deck of all my jokes and then that made me say other shit. And I was just like one of those things where I felt like I was on stage for five minutes on that one. No, dude. Edmonton was, ugh, that was fucking. Edmonton actually, I had a showstopper where like... What do you mean?

What do you mean vaudeville? I had a fucking... This guy's a showstopper. No, I had a showstopper. A real triple threat. No, I had a bad showstopper. I'm saying that in a bad way. You fucking...

Oh, that was my fault. I shouldn't have told you to do that show. No, I did that joke where I was just like, you know, women, you know, you guys like it, and you know, you go all out for your wedding picture and your wedding day and you look great. You look like an Olympian. And then I go, and then it just kind of falls apart. But like, and the place just fucking stopped. Yes.

Someone in the crowd went, wow. Well, somebody... No, somebody goes, oh my God. Yeah. And like, I had a... The bit I did before it killed. And then I did that and I go, no, no. And I kind of saved it when I go, no, what I'm saying is like, you should just come down the aisle the way you're going to be.

Like what I'm going to be looking at for the next 40 or 50 years. And like half of them laugh, but I was just like somebody was like, well, so then I told you afterwards and the look on your face, you were just like, wow. Yeah. Fuck. No, but I was the idiot. You said it to me in the restaurant. It was fun.

It was funny to me. So I said, dude, you got to do that on stage. And then somehow the way you said that you said it, I was just like, I mean, that's fucking... I mean, that's the other dude. I mean, you can't... Women have to... They have to give birth. Can you imagine that, Paul?

No, that's what I mean. No matter what the fuck you do, you stay in shape, you do all that. And then if you're going to have another kid, you're basically going to have to go through that. And they ain't just... No, what I'm saying is... Say, how could you? No, what I'm saying is... How could you, Paul?

And this is what I'm saying. You know, I know women do... And you know, my wife, it looks great. She had two kids and everything. And I know women go through a lot of shit and have kids. I'm saying, don't put on that show for everybody else. Be who the fuck you're going to be. It's the same way people, you know, clean up for company.

Like what, the regular family's not good? You know, and... Are you just being nice? And Betty, who we don't see ever, who's coming over once a fucking year, is what you got to get on your hands and knees with a toothpick or a toothbrush? You know what? I'll go with this. It does suck when it's somebody that you don't give a shit about

and your wife's saying, we got to clean this fucking place up. Yeah. And they're going all... It isn't just like, okay, let me... Let's just pick a room that we throw all this shit in and close the door. Like, they actually want you to clean up that... They're coming in from Maryland. I don't give a fuck.

I'm not going to see him again. Right. You know? Right, but as far as them looking good on the Wednesday, I want them to look as good as they can. I want to look good. No, I was trying to do a joke and a fucking backfire. Paul, I wasn't there for you as a friend, you know?

And I'll tell you, that's going to haunt me forever. Yeah, but what was the name of the theater that we played in Winnipeg, man? Burton Cummings? Yeah. It was... I got a little... Some of the history of that. That place was made in 1908.

Yeah. And they had these fucking stairs in the back. Now, everybody, Charlie Chaplin, who's the guy there? Fatty Arbuckle, Harry Houdini, all these... It was a vaudeville theater for like the first 30 years before the talkies took over, see? And they still had like the original stairs in the back. Yeah. When you walked up to the green room.

And these are like slabs. I don't know what kind of stone it is, but from years of people walking up in it where basically you put your feet, there was like these indentations from people scuffing up as they were walking up or coming down. How high did it go, remember? Yeah. And then outside the upper deck of it, I guess the mezzanine in the upper deck, they used to have pews all the way through them, and then they put seats in at some point.

But in the upper deck, they still had these wooden pews. And during my set, because the acoustics are incredible, if he's talking 1908, I mean, I don't think they could really amplify voice at that point, could they? I don't know. Yeah, we don't know. We're idiots. But I don't think they could. It was acoustically perfect building.

So when people were way up in that upper deck, we're talking like an old hockey barn for hockey fans there, or basketball fans, where you felt like if you leaned too far forward, you'd fall right on the emblem at center ice or center court. And these people would walk down and it's making that sound like, you know, it's like an old chair makes all that rickety shit. And it sounded like it was right above me. And I was sitting there going, are these fucking union guys walking around making noise during my show?

And I kept making jokes like that they were already changing the marquee and they were making noise. And what it was was people in that upper deck were walking down just to go to the bathroom and get a drink. But the acoustics were so unbelievable and it was so fucking steep. It sounded like it was right above my head. It was amazing. That was one of my...

That place was old school, man. Yeah, I like old shit, dude. So I actually walked up there at the end of my show. I wish you did it, dude. It reminded me this one in Seattle that we did the Moore Theater, where I think they shot the video for... Boom, bucket jacket, boom, that one, right? When he's fucking hanging and he's looking like he's bleary eyed, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Like he's crazy, but he isn't. He knows exactly what he's doing. He already knows he wants to fire his drummer. We played that one and that one was really interesting where just like this one that we played in Winnipeg, they have separate entrances for the upper deck. And I don't know if they had segregation up here, but in Seattle, that was what that was for.

That upper deck, you had a completely separate entrance, no fucking elevator. And you just walked up flight after flight after flight. And these were serious flights, like 14 groupings. Two groups are like 14 to get to one floor all the way, all the way, all the way up. And I was joking with the guy going, this is why African-Americans kick the shit out of white people in sports because we just strolled into the theater. Yeah. Just have a seat.

Got to do like the fucking Stairmaster all the way up and come back down just to see a fucking show. And that's like insanely high, man. Like that was scary high. Yeah. When you say steep, it's like, you don't want to lean forward like steep, like you'll fucking, it was scary. Yeah.

Like I would not want to be like hammered up there, up there. And then, you know, smoke a little joint or something, something or smoke a cigar that made me fucking lightheaded. I would just be like, I mean, if I had to leave, I would go hands and knees backwards down like a little, you know, a little toddler goes downstairs. That's how I would exit with the, with the fear. You like the Burton Cummings one. I like, I think, I think the Vogue last night was one of my favorites, man.

Oh, dude, those are two great crowds, too. Yeah. And we're not shitting on Calgary, by the way. It was just that second show, dude. It's been a while since I've been in front of people that drunk, but we had another amazing week. Now, when do we play hockey? Oh, wait, we went to the Bruins-Canadians game.

Yeah. What is the name of that place? The Molson Center? Yeah. They changed it. They changed it. Whatever the fuck it is now. You know, I don't know, some sort of cellular company, but it's just an amazing place to

go to. When you see all those retired numbers, all those Stanley Cup banners and just how into it people are, there was some people leaving early down below that kind of disappointed me. Well, I mean, but it was a beatdown. It was a beatdown. You know. Bruins fucking killed him.

You're down three goals in a third period. Hey, and I wasn't obnoxious either. I didn't like the guy who brought me to it. He was a Canadians fan. He said, Hey, we're going to go into this, this, you know, the famous, I don't know, one of the levels there, the mezzanine level, they have this pub and the guy hooked us up with the ticket said, Listen, I know he's a big Bruins fan, but I don't respect. Could you just not wear stuff?

It gets weird when you go in there. I was just like, Yeah, absolutely. I'm not going to fucking do that. Yeah. I'm going to stand up and share when we score, but I'm not going to be that asshole going, Yeah. Yeah. In the face.

You know, giving them shit or whatever. I'm not going to do that. No, no. Yeah. I enjoyed it. And, uh, but earlier that day, we actually, uh, some of the guys from just for laughs, Bruce Hill hooked us up with some ice time and I got the shit kicked out of me. Yeah.

And for as he played hockey for the first time, we played at this, this, you know, they got a zillion rinks out there and it was a old Canadian, uh, Stefan Cantel, uh, who played, you know, back when I was first going to games and shit like that, or maybe a five years into when I started going to games and, uh, he somehow, I forget how it was, but his jersey was framed there. Anyways, we played on this little sort of mini rink where you had the floating blue line, you bring it to the zone, then the red line becomes the blue line. And I gotta tell you, Verzi fucking animal, he's out there with just gloves, a stick and

a helmet. Dude, you had like three shots on net on like, I mean, I don't know if you try to like try to tap rebounds in his shots on that. I don't know how that fucking works, but dude, you had like three and one shift and I was sitting there laughing on the bench, goes, fucking guys got more shots on net and one shift. Well, one of the guys was like, dude, I said, like, we were talking like, maybe we were throughout the whole game.

I might have had like 12 shots on, but I didn't know how to stop. I got the shit kicked out of me. I'm falling down and everyone's got pads, but me. So I'm the most novice in this thing. All right. And the only thing I had was gloves and a helmet. I'm falling on my knees and elbow getting, and like, it was so legit that there were two locker rooms.

You had your own jerseys. There was a timer. These guys had shifts and I'm getting thrown into this thing. Okay. I haven't been on the ice. Now, you know why I've been dragging all my stuff up here because we're going to play. I want to make sure I'm protected. And I'm not going to wear somebody else's smelly stuff.

That's fucking, that's gross, dude. That's like the pad version of using your buddy's toothbrush. It's gross. But yeah, and typical me, I'm like, I don't know how to play, but I just know scoring position from floor hockey. So I just would go down, get in the scoring position, not know how to stop and just fucking get the shit kicked out of me. I would, I'll tell you this.

One thing a coach would never have to tell you is go to the net. That's all you did. The second your team, the second your team got the puck, I just went to you and understand off sides or you're off sides a couple of times. What the fuck, dude, you would just put your head down and just start skating. And you had your stick on the ice. The wrong way, because every time I shot, I wouldn't need a lefty stick. So I had the righty stick, which had an opposite.

And I kept doing backhands with the wrong stick, but I didn't post on that one. Your backhand was lethal because you had a right handed stick. Everybody thought you were right handed. He's going down and going, look at this fucking guy. He's got like all these shots on neck and he's playing left handed with a right hand to stick was all right. Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, no, you're good, man. You're, you're, you're good at it. I was, I was hoping you're going to say something, you know, cause I'm a little self-conscious, but I definitely recognized it. I skate all right until I get the puck. I just, I swear to God, dude, it's just, it all falls apart. You know, it's the funniest thing when I play with guys. It's two passes to me before my, before my, before my, before

my whole team figures it out. And then it's just like, you know, I, then I have to be like literally going across the blue line screaming something to get the fucking puck back. But they know, no, but you, you, you had some good passes shot on goal. There was a 13 year old kid there. There was a 14 year old kid there. And these, and I just was like, but I almost hurt myself. Remember I slammed my head, dude.

Yeah, that was bad. I was like, no, I knew you were going to be. So everyone's saying, Hey, go take some Advil and you're like, no, I do. I feel fine. I feel fine. And when you fall like the way you were falling, those are those deep fucking bruises and they don't show up for at least 24 hours. The best thing Bruce did, he goes, dude, you don't want a concussion

and he, he brings me a helmet and I slipped back. Oh, dude, if you, if the way you fell on my head, dude, that would, I would have been over. Oh yeah. That would have had that awful. That fucking sound of a head hitting the back of a head, hitting the ice. Oh my God. I fell so bad one time.

Somebody's skating by. I thought it was you. Somebody just goes, you got air on that one. Like I was getting the shit kicked out of me, but this is the thing though. You were doing it to yourself. I just let people know it's not like people were knocking them down. This was a non-contact game. Paul would just go head of fucking steam.

Like you were going to run the goalie or something. I never, the best compliment I got was when I somebody goes, I go, I never played ice hockey before and it was like, wow, you got good balance. And I was like, have you been watching? Yeah, I know. Right. Hey, let me do, let me do a advertising. We got some, we got some great questions this week.

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That's legal zoom.com promo code burr. Legal zoom provides legal zoom provides self help services and can connect you with the right attorney, but they are not a law firm legal zoom promo code burr. There you go. I went, you know, I'm up two games to one. Um, all right, back to the, uh, back to the, the podcast here. Oh, before I go any further, everybody, um, one of my favorite comics that's on his way up the comedy ladder, uh, Tom Segura from, uh, the, uh, your mom's house

podcast right here on the all things comedy network that he does with his lovely and absolutely fucking hilarious wife, Christina Pazitz, Pazitzki. I'm the worst trying to read. Um, Tom has a new special out called completely normal that you can download as of March 15th on iTunes. Um, I love this guy because he's just one of those. He doesn't give a shit in a good way. Like he goes out.

He's not afraid of silence. He has something to say, dude, him and his wife arguably. Okay. I know Burns and Allen, fuck them. Okay. You want to go with these two. They crush it. Like we have like those all things comedy shows.

Sometimes, um, we were doing them down at Luna and, um, and Christina came down one night and absolutely just fucking destroyed. I'm trying to think we had, we had, we had Tom down there too. I've watched Tom at like the improv forever, but, um, he, he's the real deal. And he's on his way to making his mark, uh, and he has a new, uh, new, uh, comedy special out, like I said, completely normal. So check it out. All right.

First question of the week and Paul, I know you're going to love this one because you've been absolutely obsessed with this. Uh, this says the, the name of the question is where's the plane? Oh yeah. Let's go. Uh, he says, Bill, using whatever knowledge you have of the situation, whether it be a lot or a little, please break down what happened on that plane. Um, this is right up my alley.

First of all, I've been annoying you and you, yeah, and you hate flying. I'll tell you, we know what's annoying is I have to blow my nose because I'm coming on with the cold. So why don't you start as I walk over here to blow my nose off, Mike, because I'm a professional. What do you think, Paul? You're the guest. I'll let you go first here.

Would you like a glass? Go ahead. What do you think? Uh, I think that I think obviously the plane was hijacked. I think that's why the, um, you know, it's hard to. No, um, I hear that on, on, on the, um, yeah, a little bit. I think the plane was hijacked. Um, of course, I think that's why there was the communication was cut out.

And then they have proof that it kind of, uh, diverted and, and changed its course. And then nobody heard anything. I think the fact that the fucking thing is not in the water, there's 230 people on a seven 77. I flew that I've flown in a seven 77 to, uh, Italy. Oh yeah. That's your nickname, Paul. Seven 77.

Yeah. I mean, it's what I'm flying. No, um, and, and, and there was, I won't go unless it's a seven seven. It's not a seven. Yeah. It's not, it's glass. It's glass the whole way. It's a lucky number.

You know, I think I'm in that seven 37 nuts. No. So, uh, so there was no debris, nothing. So I don't think that the, I think that the plane, they said that the plane could have flown for six hours after they lost contact. That fucking thing could be anywhere right now. There's going to be a movie about this. I think I hope they didn't off everybody, you know, God, God forbid.

But I think the plane landed somewhere and was hidden. And then I think the people that did it, I think I don't know what, I don't know what they did with the people, but, uh, you know, I don't think it's in the ocean. So all right, let's, you know, come on, you got to put some money on. Well, listen, what country are you picking? Kazakhstan. They said it could have gone as far as Kazakhstan. To Zika stand all of those stands.

Uh, let's have Borat Kazakhstan. I think, uh, yeah, dude, I think that it landed somewhere and it's fucking. It's just an awful situation. But, um, you know, I, this is what I think it's the aliens built. You think I don't know. I think, uh, with each day that passes, that there's no sort of demand or anything like that, I'm thinking more, unfortunately, and I don't know, sadistically or whatever, they flew it way off course.

And I don't know, I mean, how, unless you dump a plane in like the shipping lanes, what is, what is the odds? The planes have a beacon, planes have a beacon, but it was turned off. I, I mean, I don't know. There's something that, that where they can track it was fucking turned off. And the people knew how to do it. So I think with every passing day, yeah, like it's not a good, like that, there's no demands.

It's just really weird that if, you know, there's always some crazy reason to draw attention to something that someone does something like this. The fact, the only hope that I have is the fact that they haven't asked for any demands yet is, is, I don't know that, I mean, what, you wanted the plane? I mean, what the fuck, you know, how fucked up is your country? You can't get a 777. Christ, they're laying all over the place. But what's the motive of the, what's the motive of the hijackers?

I don't know, but I, I really felt for the, the family members because they're sitting there and they're talking about the airline. Now the airline is handling this like a, a business rather than, you know, what is going on and they go, we can't comment on anything right now. Because basically, you know, it's a corporation. They're like, we're going to get the shit suit out of us. Let's, let's try to limit how much we're going to get the shit suit out. Like they go into that fucking mode.

Yeah. But it's one of those awful things where, you know, um, also, you know, the victims are going to go into, we're going to sue the shit out of you mode. So it's just like, if people could just, in this moment, if the airline could be allowed to just say, we're fucking devastated, I mean, we had employees on that plane too, you know, and they could, everybody could just share information and there wouldn't be that stupid, you know, lawyers licking their chops on both sides or one cowering and the other guy on the

side licking their chops, maybe they, they could at least make it a little more comforting for those people. But, uh, yeah, it's, and I guess there's no comedy here, dude. That's just, it's fucking awful. I just, I just, I just feel bad for, you know, those kids on there and shit, man. It's fucked up, man. It's awful. And it's one of the most unprecedented, uh, mysteries, like a 777 with fucking

230 people has disappeared and nobody knows where it is and the airlines don't have answers and 10 countries had their navies fucking just scowl at the fucking ocean and nobody could find it. Right. It's crazy, man. Well, I mean, there's a kind of good thing there that maybe with their, they're still alive and there's something you can do to negotiate. But the thing about, uh, trying to land a plane like that, it's not like you

could just go to some boot, bootleg fucking airstrip. I mean, you need a, you need a lot of fucking runway to land something that big. It's not like you could go to fucking right, you know, some little ass, you know, unless they had it planned, unless they had it planned in a hanger. Yeah. But then what, what the fuck? So what are you doing?

So you'd, okay, you got us. You took the fucking plane. You took the people. What do you want? Where are the people? It's annoying. I mean, they think, I mean, I wonder if, if they had a plan and then something, shut everything off and then something else went wrong.

How I mean, because they got to be looking at satellite footage, like say even like remote areas, jungles and shit, looking for pictures of smoke and fire, something to try and find the fucking thing. I mean, look, the biggest mystery still on the planet is the ocean. So I think that that's where it is. It's at the bottom of the fucking ocean in some place where we can't find it. I hope it isn't, but that's what I would guess. Just for the simple fact that it's just weird that nobody claimed responsibility.

There's no ransom demands. Um, I mean, how do you sneak a fucking 777 into something with the amount of fuel they had, they know the distance it could go. There had to be something, dude. There had to be something. And the fact that it's not, it should be on every fucking, like it, I don't think that there's enough coverage of it. You know, they got a picture, you know what they, well, what the fuck?

They probably would be a lot. Well, I have some point when there's no new information becomes like this fucking 250, 270 person cold case file. They're trying to try to find. It's insane. It's fucking insane. It is, it is. And, and that's why I kept asking you every day, we'd go hang out and Bill would

go, Paul, I can't fucking, you keep talking about it. And I'm like, I can't get it. I don't get it because you, you got this obsession with fucking planes and safety and because you're afraid to fly it. I don't fucking think about shit like that. And now, now your fear is starting to rub off me. I'm being scared. I go to the airport.

I didn't mean to project my fears on you. It's okay. You're only human. All right, whatever. I really hope that that ends, you know, I hope there's some sort of Chuck Norris Delta force thing that ends it fucking happily. But that is a rough, oh my God, the fucking poor people. They got to just sit there wondering when, when, what's going on?

Are they suffering now? What's going on? It's terrible. All right. Great question, buddy. All right. What's your beef? Dear farmer Bill, if you could only eat one type of meat and one type of vegetable

for the rest of your life, what would they be? Got to figure some choices are more versatile in the kitchen. All right. Um, I wouldn't go fish because I would, I would worry that I'd get the mercury thing. Um, I couldn't go red meat because I end up like John Wayne. Chicken is all slimy in your fucking entrails. I would have to go, uh, what else is there? Turkey?

I go Turkey. I'd go chicken. Cause if you cook it, if you cook it enough, like you'll get any kind of, but yeah, you're right. The mercury in the fish, red meat, your bow, your fucking mercury in the fish. And God knows what that meltdown in Japan has done to the fucking sushi. Jesus. I had sushi yesterday, man.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. I love fucking sushi. You know, you have to pull, you know, you're not going to have sushi, but, uh, no, I'd go chicken and vegetable. I hate vegetables. So man, it's maybe spinach, a little garlic, you know, I love vegetables. Oh, that would actually make me fucking sad.

If I could, this is like fucking sad. So I guess I would have Turkey every day with, uh, I almost want to pick a vegetable that I don't love because I don't want to end up hating it because I have to eat it every day. Call a flower every day for the rest of you. Fuck it. I'm already hate that shit. No.

Collar flowers. Unless they make the cauliflower mashed potatoes doesn't, doesn't that's not bad. But the only reason why it's not bad is because you got all the butter and salt and pepper in there. Yeah, but he didn't, yeah, I mean, I would go Turkey because I could make a turkey sandwich. I could make Turkey sausage. I could make shrimp, live shrimp that we saw that guy, Montreal, uh, that actor.

We were in the elevator with Bubba, Bubba Gump. And I didn't, I only saw that movie once. Yeah. I walked in there and I was like, Oh shit. And then we walked out. I was like, you know who that was, dude? I was like, yeah, he was in heat. He was there.

He was funny and really funny and insanely friendly. And, uh, and then I wanted to go up and say something or invite him to a show. And I was just like, let me fucking leave this guy alone. Well, you said you saw another, there was a bunch of people. They were filming a movie in a hotel. Turkey bacon. So I think all the different fucking ways I could do it. Well, you wouldn't go Turkey.

Turkey would be a nightmare. After your fifth turkey sandwich, you'd be like, I fucked up. Dude, after chicken every fucking day, chicken, chicken parmesan, uh, chicken scampi. You're doing what I just did. Chicken, chicken, chicken, turkey, turkey sandwich, turkey sausage. I'm talking, you could put marinara with melted mozzarella. That's fucking, that's good for a month. You know, every fucking day, you'd be a tub of shit.

You'd be a tub of shit, dude. Do you need chicken, palm every other day? You wouldn't be a tub of shit if you eat chicken every day. You know, you gotta mix it up with all the pasta and all that fucking bread, your red wine, discussing crimes, whatever you Sicilians do. I guess I would go Turkey. I love a turkey sandwich. And I think chicken's overrated and then just the shit that, you know, chickens,

you know, you got the salmonella, you got all that fucking shit with that. You know, oh, there's a problem with everything. We don't probably have a problem with you. You ever think that? No. I'd go chicken spinach. Chicken spinach. I would go Turkey.

Yeah, but turkey really doesn't go, go with a vegetable. Chicken spinach is a good one. Ah, Christ, Paul, you're better at this than I am. All right, dude, you're, you're a fucking, you committed some crazy fucking murder. Yeah, you're on death row. You got your final meal. What are you going to have? Oh, oh shit, man.

Oh, let me tell you, that's a rough one. You know, that's so funny. You asked me that. I had to actually lean back in the chair for that one. That's a, that's tough. This is assuming you could eat. Okay. So nauseous that they're going to fucking kill me here.

Yeah, I never understood that. They showed a list of what all the serial killers got and like one guy, well, like one guy, like Bundy or one of those guys just got an apple, but another guy got fucking like he wanted a whole pie with like pepperoni. He wanted sandwiches and like he got the whole thing. Like he just like everything. That's a true fucking crazy man. Yeah, to be able to sit, you know, he's at a food court.

Like the guy eating an apple. He's probably just like, let me just taste one last thing. Let's have funny was a fucking, I don't know if it was Bundy. It might have been that McVeigh guy that blew up Timothy McVeigh and I remember this. He got a pint of mint chocolate chip and that stuck with me because I was like, I love mint chocolate chip and I eat a pint all the time. And that actually seemed like if someone was going to fucking kill me, and I don't have any sympathy for these fucking people either, but I'm just

saying if someone's going to kill me, you know, it would, I know, you know, we're fucking going to kill you at this time and it's coming up. I want some that's going to be a little easy on my stomach. And for some reason, I just think ice cream would be nice. Dude, I love, I love chicken cutlets, man. Like I know, like my mind, right when you ask a question, I'm thinking Italian or sushi because I love it, but I love chicken cutlets with lemon squeezed on them. So I might do like a shitload of chicken cutlets.

You just said chicken and I just thought chicken and dumplings, which I haven't had long things, any better than dumplings. Dumplings are great. Chicken and dumplings and that, but then the mint chocolate chip wouldn't go good with the debt. Did they let you drink on debt? Did they let you drink on what like on your last meal? If you ordered a bottle of red, because that would be funny. If you were hammered.

Let's do this. Yeah, you'd, you'd fuck you, fuck you. You guys are looking who you're going to kill the killer. You fucking pussy. Yeah. Yeah. You got enough guys. All my murders were one on one. Look at you guys. Five on one. Oh, what are the odds?

Now you feel good about yourself. I don't think they're successful. Hang your head on this one. I don't think they let them drink. That'd be fucking great. Well, you guys all have the same clothes on, but you all call each other, making the other psychos laughing as you're leaving. Show me the way to go home.

That judge was a fucking fag. That's what you would do. You would just start talking shit. Oh, yeah, he did good and only took his eight years. You go into the death chamber and all the fucking family members are looking at you guys do stuff too. Only give me news. I got caught.

That's all I'm saying. I hate it with sweetheart. I'd be fucking amazing. Oh, dude, that'd be hilarious. Just walking out. Hey, buddy, buddy, before you do it, buddy, you know the way they keep asking the question, buddy, but it only took you five years. I had those hookers in the attic forever.

This is so bad. Hey, did you there's there's been a couple of guys, you know, some of the last words. One of the guys was last name was French and he yelled over the reporters. He goes, hey, and he was going to the electric chair. He goes, hey, he goes, I got your headline for tomorrow. He goes, French fries. He's like, oh, like laughs.

And then they electrocuted him. Did you see the one guy that they did it to? And he fucking they thought he was fried and he fucking he popped up and he was like fucking he popped up like in a fucking horror movie. He was like a big guy and he didn't it didn't take they electrocuted him. And they're all sitting there. Is that that Tom Hanks movie that really happened? No, no, a guy they showed it on.

They showed it on one of those shows where they jolted them and like normally like the normal person what show and he just went. It was like one of those death row in May or like it was like, you know, people protesting outside. One of the guys I thought you were dead on Discovery. And he like popped up for a second and they popped up part two. No, I'm telling you. Scared the shit out of the fight.

You got to make sure they did, you know, got a friend of mine. You can electrocute them. I can take a beat. All this guy's rough. OK, why they put it put an electric chair. You got right back up again. Boy, I got a friend. He's tough.

Sometimes I wish I was tougher. We all do. We're not high people. This is what we've done. If I was higher now, I'd be fucking losing my mind. All right. Sad music. Oh, this is right up our alley.

Why'd you bring it up? All right. Sad music, dear Bill, from what you talk about on the. From what you talk about on the podcast, it seems like you're mostly into classic rock and music that involves really talented musicians. Do you ever listen to emotional music? I mean, like a sad acoustic track or just anything depressing? Versus is already losing it.

If so, do you put it on when you're sad or when you're happy? No, no, no. I listen to that stuff. Sometimes I like to get emotional whenever the car. What's what song are we singing in the car? Just once I'm going to try to make it last forever. Just one night try to do something else. Something, something, something.

We weren't doing that. We were saying we'd say that to our wives one time when they were like bitching at us like, how come you blah, blah, blah, blah? And it's in the middle of them yelling. Just go stare at them and just go, just once. I wish you'd shut the fuck up. The shower. Why does they always have to be something to do here?

We just lie around the house just once. You know, Paul, you creep, you keep procrastinating and you sleep in late and the kids are up. Just once I wish you'd let me sleep in and shut your mouth. You're fucking talk all the time and you have nothing to say. Lady. All right. Sorry. Sad music.

Do I listen to sad music? Yeah. Probably the first sad songs I listened to other than Elton John, where he was a little too on the head. What do you consider sad, though? Like that's what I want to know. AC DC ride on Lonely Guy on the Road. That was probably my first one.

Dude, every fucking heavy metal band had those home sweet homes. I'll tell you what's sad. You want to know what's a sad one? We never got one. We're halfway there. I don't know. What's a sad song? I don't know.

Cats and the Cradle. You're going rock, though. I'm thinking more of like the just once. Like, you know, we can't go hip hop. Hip hop, you can't do a sad song. They try to do emotional rap. Remember that? Yeah.

And some people still try. Yeah, like when that guy Drake, man, I just like, I mean, I get it. Yeah. You know, good looking guy's got a beard and shit. So women like him. But like when it just gets to, I don't want to hear like, I don't want to hear a rapper open it up. No, rappers try to open up when one of their rapper friends dies, but it's never really

sad. You're more just like, you know, they'll just be like, you know, they just rap and you know, they're pouring out a 40 for him. That's like the most they'll do. I like that. They keep it like that. Nobody was better than you. Like it's like that.

You can't get, you know, you know, one of my favorite things in this business was OPI from the OPI and Anthony show was he had this thing that he would do when guys would start crying when they would play audio. Yeah. Oh my God. It was fucking his timing was perfect every time. Someone would be talking like retiring from a sport, like when Mike Schmidt retired, which is, you know, it's very difficult to watch.

He was like, you know, you know, he just was ending is like 38 years ago, a little boy began a journey to play the wonderful game of baseball. And then the OPI would always go, Oh boy. What are my favorite? It always, oh boy, it always made, oh, that's great. Nobody wants to see a man just completely, you know what it is? I can watch a guy cry. If something terrible is happening, just don't try to talk while you're crying.

No, that's the thing. The talking and then bursting out into crying. Just let your shoulders go. Yeah. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum is your fucking crying, but don't for the love of God. A man needs to cry. A man needs to cry in private. Yeah.

You do that in the shower. You do it in the shower. Like when my son was born, everyone's like, did you cry yet? And I'm like, no, what are you talking about? And then when my son was born, it all hit me later and I went home to go get stuff for my wife in the hospital. And I sat on the couch and I didn't like weep, but I just got. I didn't weep, but I got emotional.

But I'm just picking you sit on the couch by yourself and just you just go. That's stupid. Oh, it's just completely unacceptable to use your thing from your podcast. That's unacceptable. The fuzzy effect. It's unacceptable, dude. On it completely. No, you're right, though, the talk into it, right?

Yeah, the talk into it. That's that's what the funny thing about crying is, you know, yeah, you know, you always do this to me, you know, you always do this to me and I'm trying my best and it's over. It's fucking over. Whenever my friends die, I've had so many fucking died. I just cry in the shower. Yeah, that's what I do.

I asked a girl. We asked a girl, right? Because you don't feel like you're crying because there's all that water on your face anyway. No, we asked the girl. We go, what would you do if your dude started crying? Like if it wasn't if nobody died, if a dude and you were just arguing, he just had a bad day and he just had a bad day and you got into it

and he broke down and crying. She goes, yeah, no, over, over, over. Get the fucking away from me. Yeah, you know what's funny? There's some women, they think that they want to see that part of you. They don't get what that is to them is that's their total conquest. Yeah, you know, when you bang a girl in the ass, you just like, yeah, I got this shit.

I'm fucking with you. Their version of that is if they can get you to be so vulnerable around them that you cry and then it's one of those things. It's always like when the crowd screams out a joke, they already heard. They think they want to hear it again. And then you tell it's like, yeah, that wasn't as good. No, it's the same thing as that. Yeah.

And you said something, you said something about like if a burglar comes in, if you cry in front of a woman, all in her mind is like, what if the burglar comes in on this fucking guy? Yeah, no, it's over. You can't cry. You strip a woman of security if you cry in front of her, I think. I don't think I've cried in front. I think my wife's, yeah, that's, that's what it is.

Yeah. You strip her of her security because now she's like, well, I got this fucking. Yeah, this fucking crisis at this baby sleeping next to every night. You know, yeah, it's, it's over. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. No, you just, you might as well just have a pull of her sweater on, you know, walking around and then she mocks you.

What are you going to cry, bitch? You're so mean. Yeah, it's fucking over, dude. You can't have that. So sad music, cats in the cradle with classic one. No, I actually listen to a lot of, believe it or not, like, I mean, you always have like your core shit that you listen to. I like some Phil Collins when it's sad.

What is he? Oh, I wish it would rain down. Down me. Oh, well, I hated that annoying one when he was sitting there like ruining my day by bringing up homeless people. Like I don't look at them and feel bad for them. Yeah. Yeah.

No, which one was it? It's another day for you and me. Oh, think twice. Cause just another day for you and me. You and me in paradise. Yeah. Not yeah. Yeah.

That fucking stupid song. Yeah. No, I hate when people do, unless all the money to that went to homeless people. That's one of that's just pandering to the crowd. Have you ever cried alone, listening to a song or like not cried, but have you ever been like, Oh, no, I've completely broken down and I've totaled three cars. Just weeping uncontrollably. Have I?

Yeah. Have I totally cried? No, no, I've definitely teared up. Listen, as an, as an artist at some point, you're going to have to go to those emotions. You need, you need to be, uh, you need to be in tune with your instrument. No, I have. I've, I, what was the ones like, I had this weird thing where, um, I stopped crying at some point, I don't know when I stopped crying and got mad more when, when I got

hurt and my brother beat the shit out of me, um, you know, that most of the crying I'd be just like, fuck you at the end of it. But I wasn't, but I wasn't crying. And then I didn't cry. I remember one time through. I remember one time my, my brother's bigger than me. My little brother's bigger than me, right? Big though.

Like, and I remember he, I said, I said, if you fucking take my clothes again, if you take my clothes again, he did it every day. He would go into my room, he'd take my belt, he would take my clothes and I'd come home and I'd go boy band and I, I need to go, I need to go out. Right. And I go, mom, if he does it again, I'm fucking hitting him. If my mom be like, oh, you know, he did. And he, and one time I really needed a shirt and I'm fucking throwing shit through

the house and he gets out of his friend's car and he starts walking up and he's got it on and I fucking snapped and my grandmother was there and I jumped on him and I started punching him and he stood up and he just goes, fuck you. Wait, you made your older brother cry? No, no, my younger brother. Oh, he was bigger than me, but he didn't know what to do. He got so upset that he just, and he looked around, he just, he was so angry that something needed to come out and he just goes, fuck you.

What did you feel bad? No, I kind of just walked away and, you know, we left about it afterwards. But now, now he's a, he's a fuck, he's a big kid. But, you know, my mom had the opposite. I got a little brother, my, he's an animal, you know. No, my mom says she went to, she went to a funeral once and everybody was there and everybody was crying and she was overwhelmed with emotion that they had to fucking drag her out.

She said she had the most, one of the most embarrassing things happened to her where she said she uncontrollably laughed because they said that that could happen sometimes. So she's sitting there, she's, she's sitting there and everybody's crying and like she went up and she could not stop laughing. And like she, and I said, why? Like, and she was like, Paul, I just don't know. She goes, I could not stop laughing and I had to walk me out.

And like, and she just, she said, yeah, she said, because the emotions were so much that they said that that could happen sometimes where it just, you just, like, she didn't know what to do. So instead of just breaking down, she went the other way and just couldn't, couldn't control herself. I know like humans like will protect you in a really, like that's what they don't get sometimes when comics make fucking horrific jokes about some bad event, make good jokes.

Yeah, it's about a horrific event. So they go, that's so fucking me. It's a defense mechanism. It's also my mom is, my mom is a sweetheart who felt bad and her emotions just went the other way and she goes, Paul, I felt so bad. I couldn't control myself. She couldn't control myself. I hate to say this because somebody lost somebody, but there was, if there

was video of that, oh my God. Oh, so I was saying, so I somewhere around, I don't know, 10 or 11, I didn't cry for years, years and years and years. And I didn't, I didn't cry until a friend of mine killed himself. And even then I was sad and then just, I went, uh, I was in the bathroom once again, and it was in there. And I remember I started to cry and then I started thinking like, wow, I'm crying. I haven't cried in a long time.

And then I stopped because I was out of it because I stopped thinking about the dude kill himself. Wow. Yeah. I went 10 years without a cry. And then I had one. What was it over? Yogurt.

Got me. No, uh, I think, yeah, I might have been, I might have been when my son was born, you know, I might have been with my son, that's, that's acceptable. I guess it's acceptable. Back in the day, you just stood on the waiting room, right? Smoked a cigar. No, you Irish dudes don't cry. I said today, I even just tweeted something, Irish dudes.

I swear to God, I've never seen a funnier group of people who a, take pain and just take a beating. Some of the funniest people to talk to acceptance. It's the, it's the acceptance of the beating and you don't try to change it. And you just, you just keep running into the brick wall. There's something so comical about just accepting the beating, not trying to remedy it at all. I don't, I don't have that a hundred percent anymore because of getting into

this business and traveling and seeing other types of ways of dealing with shit. But like, dude, I was actually thinking the other day, like my bloodline, German, Irish, Scottish, English, right there. I mean, that would make a therapist do a spit take. Like you fucked emotionally when you have that blood running through you. I don't know what it is. And then I see you when we get hung over and we had a night out the night before and then I see you in the lobby and you just see the look on my face and I'm

miserable and I'm looking at him and I'm going, this guy did what I did. How is he just taking it? Like you don't even show. You just fucking put your head down and go. Me, I put, I got sick. Yeah. Because we, we were out, we found that, uh, that cigar private place. We smoked the cigars in Calgary.

We drank, we got like three hours sleep and we woke up, came here. Yeah. Took a fucking steam and then I came back and like an asshole. Well, I'm going to go work out three hours sleep and then I fucking jumped on the treadmill and then worked out and I came back and then right when I got to the theater and my head, I was going like, this is dumb, Bill. Yeah, don't go down to the treadmill because you just got all taught in the steam thing and then you're going to run down there sweating and you only got

three hours. You go, Versey, what'd you do? I go, I took a nap. I laid down. It was great. I go, what'd you do? You, I go, would you get some sleep? He goes, no, no, I went to the gym.

It's a fucking animal. Give yourself a break. Yeah. I, I, I go until I get sick and then I get myself a break. Whatever Paul. Hey, what do you want from me? Okay, I'm who I am. I got a friend.

He doesn't quit, you know? Hey, sometimes I want you. I'm just afraid. You're sabotaging your soap. It's obnoxious at this point, people that I don't care. Fuck you. You do 20 days on the road. All right.

Problem with ex-girlfriend. Bill, I have a question regarding how to handle a situation with my ex-girlfriend. I used to really hug, kiss and squeeze her all the time. After we broke up, I talked to a pretty 20 year old in a coffee shop about squeezing and making out in the blue water in Thailand. She really got into it and asked me to show her how I would pleasure her in the ladies room. Dude, this guy's got some game. He's sitting there, painting a picture to the point.

There you go. He goes, I have always been a romantic. So I said, yes, that's hilarious. I'm a romantic. I'll take it to the ladies room. Oh my God. That's a fucking movie. I kind of got into eating around.

I don't get this graphic. He goes, I added some dirty talk and I think somebody might have listened in. I saw my ex-girlfriend leave the copy. Wait, she was in there later, but she did not say hello. Wait a minute. I got with the graphic-ness of this. Wait, wait, wait. I talked to her in a coffee shop.

She was really into it. So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So I saw my ex-girlfriend leave the coffee shop. So she was there as you did all of this, but she didn't say hello. I met up with this girl a couple of times and she always wanted to meet a pleasure her in public places like the movies, et cetera. She got a fetish here. Then she suddenly proposed that I would pleasure her friend who I had met a couple of times.

Dude, fuck you. What? This is awesome. Dude, you don't have to achieve shit after this. It was that coffee shop, right? I know from experience that this would be a red flag, but I said yes because I am 42. Oh no, he's a creep. 42.

What are you doing? He's still out there. And I really love- The longer this question goes, the more it sounds like a lie. Yeah, I know, right? And I really love to pleasure women. After having pleasureed this woman in a changing room in a department store, I again saw my ex-girlfriend leaving without saying hello.

Dude, this is fucking bullshit. You keep pleasureing this woman and your girlfriend keeps showing up and I'll buy it. But I gotta read it. This is such a great story. I'm going to finish it though. Later, my ex-girlfriend called me and was a bit upset. She asked me, am I not a woman you would have sex in a public place with? Now the correct grammar would be a woman with whom you would have sex in a public

place. Do you think I should correct your grammar? Oh, this is all a bullshit one. Or would you think that correcting her is a sign of not being over her? I don't buy that, man. That's just too fucking crazy. I mean, that was, that's like, I've never heard of anything. Yeah, and he's 42.

That was very well written phony question. And I liked all the fucking left turns. It was wonderful. I enjoyed it. There's no way that could be real. No, not not. I mean, you're sitting in a fucking coffee shop when your ex-girlfriend's sitting there not saying hi.

And she doesn't work at the coffee shop and another girl's like, Hey, man, why don't you come in the bathroom and eat me out? I mean, that's like. Listen, that alone, that could happen. But to then have it happen again, it, it's Thailand. You know what I mean? Not Thailand. I mean, in the department store, I heard a lucky play the lot.

Oh, buddy. Jesus. Um, all right. Well, this is the last one and then we got it. We got to run here. Um, am I a whore? Uh, hey there, Billy fat face. Fuck you.

I bet on the treadmill. Uh, I am a senior in high school and might be a whore. I know you're the lean, mean, red-edged machine when it comes to calling out whores, so I'll let you be the judge. I listen, I don't fucking judge you here. All right. My ex-boyfriend who was a year older than me left for college at the end of last year. He goes to university of Washington, a decent leap from Arizona, um, where we went

to high school, we broke up after J dating just over a year because we ultimately agreed that a long distance relationship would suck for both of us. Plus I eventually knew I'd be plagued with the thought of him balls deep in some artsy whore and it would get to me. This girl's hilarious. Um, however, when we visited this, uh, for his winter break about six months later, I came on to him again. He initially didn't want to get back together because he knew he was leaving

and thought I'd be, uh, I'd be hurt in the long run, but quickly gave in. We were basically dating again for the entire three week break. He was here holding hands in public and going on dates where one of us would pay or the other. Um, what do we got here? Finally, we left without any incident, but it felt like we kind of flashback to our heavily involved relationship. Here's what things start to get sleazy on my part.

His friend Devin, uh-oh, oh boy, was always around. Oh boy, Oh boy, his friend Devin was always around when we were dating, trying to insert himself into things when my ex and I would hang out. My ex thought it was creepy and shut him down. But ever since he left, I've been hanging out with Devin a lot. Oh, how could you do this? All the dicks in the world, you're going to jump on this one. Um, which wouldn't make you a whore.

It just kind of makes you like, uh, you could have had a better selection here. Here we go. I spent Valentine's Day with him and then she writes, Oh, but nothing happened. And I sent my ex a picture to see what his reaction would be. That's what she's doing. It upset him. And he told me that it really pissed him off and was comparable to cheating. Later this month, I went to a formal event with him and post, posted a picture

on Twitter, I texted my ex later that week and he told me it was really pissing him off, how I dragged him back into having feelings for me and then rub my proverbial dick in his face. I apologize, but ever since then he seemed kind of pissed at me and interest and not interested in talking to me. What do you think that Billy boy? Am I a dirty whore? Is his just anger justified or is he just being a jealous cunt?

Love the podcast. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Um, you're not a whore. You're not a dirty whore. Uh, what you are is you're being a really mean person because you don't know how to express the fact that you still have feelings for him. So you dragged him back into it and maybe, um, you didn't want to break up with them, but you, or maybe you thought you did.

And now you're having second thoughts about it. And rather than just saying that to him, uh, the pain you have that you're not together, you're now sort of for some reason, taking it out on him by doing everything that you know is going to tear his heart out of his chest. So you need to stop doing that. That's what I would say. Yeah, that's exactly like it's like, just nobody, how come nobody just picks up the phone and says, Hey, like keep sending the poor guy pictures and fucking

doing that to him. There's no, look, they young, they young. You don't know, you don't know how to do stuff like that. And sometimes you're doing shit and you don't know why you're doing shit cause you don't know who you are yet. So I'm not judging this person. I'm just saying what you're doing is really, it's really unnecessarily mean. But one thing that's not brought up, what about Devin's feelings?

I know he must really seem to care for her. No, but like there's two guys getting fucked. She's sending pictures. I don't know. Just, I mean, without a doubt, Devin, Devin's not a good dude. Cause it's his friend. It's his friend. Yeah.

And he was trying to move in on it when, uh, when, uh, when they were still together. So that guy, you know, it's wet. You know, who's going to lose in all of this is going to be you. Cause you're, you're with this creep. This guy's a fucking creep. Um, or maybe he's just, they're all young. You don't know he's a creep though. Maybe, maybe he always had feelings for her and the other guy didn't treat.

We don't know. I just went with creep. Cause she said that her ex-boyfriend said it was creepy. I don't fucking know, Paul. What am I going to solve the, solve the problems of 18 and 19 year olds. I can't do this. All right. Look, yeah, stop doing that to him.

Stop posting. I mean, come on, and you're, you're acting like you don't know what you're doing. At least as far as like hurting the person, you're hurting them. You're hurting them and you should stop. Um, and if you don't, then you're a mean person, but you're not a whore. She's not a whore. No, that's not a whore. That's not a whore.

What is a whore to you, Paul? If she sent pictures while she was blowing Devin, I mean, I'd be a little fucking much, you know, but even then, as you get older, when you start to think of the psycho, psychological reasons as to why a woman would do that, you know, and it always goes back to some sort of family issue that they would do that. Some sort of insecurity and, you know, having no boundaries. A lot of times when something like that happens, you got touched as a kid. I'm kind of paraphrasing some of the shit that I've heard some.

No, I just think a whore, when I think of whore, I think of you using sex. You, you know, doing sexual things or using sex in order to, to gain and do stuff like that, you know, to, to get yourself ahead through, through sex. Right. And she, I would actually say that that's more of a sociopath who just happens to be using, uh, you know, sex rather than using a gun or a knife or something like that. They're just going up, they're using the weapon that they got.

Are all whores sociopaths? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I would say, I would say, no, not at all. I would say that, you know, men and women who have a bunch of fucking partner, different partners or something like that, the older I get, they're not like dogs and whores and stuff like that. Like they have, there's something wrong with them, uh, beyond, um, look, there's something wrong with fucking being married. And this is the only person you're ever going to have sex with again.

I mean, that's just, there's something not fucking natural about that. But the other side of that is to just walk around fucking everybody, just fucking everybody, then there's something, there's something wrong about that. But what I'm doing is also, you know, my opinion is, is I'm coming. I'm looking out my own head here, how I would feel. I remember, you know, I was out dogging around. I would always feel like a piece of shit on some level past a certain age. Your twenties, you're like psyched, like, yeah, I got another one, right?

In your thirties, it starts to get, it starts to get sad, starts to get pathetic. So I wouldn't say you're a whore, but, um, unfortunately, we have to wrap up here. Paul, another effortless podcast. Great time. Yeah, it's always a great time. The Verzi effect podcast. Yes. The Verzi effect podcast.

And also, um, we kick off March 31st at Largo. The all in tour. Yes. All in tour with myself, Joe Bartnick, Jason Lawhead. Um, these three animals are going on tour. And, uh, I'm going to host the kickoff one. It's not, I don't know. Yeah.

That one's good. That one's going to be at Largo. I don't know where the other ones are. Dates are coming in. Dates are coming. West coast dates. Yeah. Uh, San Francisco punchline is on the website now.

So you could go to that. We're going to Portland. We're going to Seattle. We're going to San Diego. East coast will be in Jersey. Uh, we will be in, uh, Cleveland. So check out, yeah, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. So check out all those dates are coming in, but that's the all in tour with, uh,

Oh, sponsored by the Monday morning. Morning, Monday morning. The first tour that I'm putting, uh, putting the Monday morning podcast name behind. And we appreciate it. You know, I just love your talents. Uh, yeah. So, and then you could, uh, go to my Twitter at Paul Verzi. That's VIRZI and please, uh, download the Verzi effect podcast.

Bill was the last guest.