Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-23

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

Bill rambles about how to sit, the evil genius of insurance companies, and eating out of a bucket. Helix: Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, strictly for the purpose of checking in on ya. Seeing how your week is going, oh, it's Thursday, everybody. No matter how much you hate your job, it's fucking Thursday. No matter how much you wish you weren't there, you just got one more fucking day. One more day, and then it's the weekend. Oh, it's the best. Friday night, just decompressing by going out, altering your mental state, and taking it out on an innocent bystander. Right? That's what the weekend's for, everybody, unless you love your job. Then I don't know what you do. You go home and do some needle point, get eight hours

sleep, and all of that shit. You know what? I'm coming to the end of my break here, as I have mentioned, as old Billy Freckles has mentioned, it took me like fucking, you know, two and a half months to learn how to relax, to just stay home today and just watch basketball, and just be like, you know, I'm not fucking doing shit today. I'm just gonna sit here because I can, because for the rest of the year, I won't be able to. So I should just sit here. Listen to how aggressive I sound about relaxing. I'm gonna sit here because I can, Bill. Sit here because I can. And I'm not gonna give a shit that my heater is gonna fucking make me feel like I have malaria. And then for some reason, rather than just letting it naturally go from 71 degrees back down to 69, it's gonna

crank the AC and make it go down to fucking 61 degrees. And then it's gonna fucking, you know, go back to malaria, which is what's happening. And it's people, oh, that's a common problem. We can come over and we can fix that. And then they come over and they air quote, fix it. And then a few weeks goes by. And then there's the fucking problem again. This is my theory. I think too many people have solar panels and are starting to get off the grid or use less energy. So now they're fucking rigging these things for guys like me without solar panels, which probably surprises you guys, that I would not have solar panels considering, you know, I am a Prius driving Hollywood liberal, what else, Trump supporter, trying to think of all the fucking things I've been called.

And no one seems to pick up that I don't like any of you. Yeah, I haven't liked a president since Jimmy Carter. I keep saying that, speaking of solar panels, put them on the White House and then the, you know, it's funny how the right hates actors, unless they become Republicans. They love fucking Reagan and Schwarzenegger. Good get enough of those fucking Hollywood phonies, right? Not saying they're really phonies, but I'm just saying they were from Hollywood and that's what they say. They say that they're phonies, right? Everybody out here is a phony. Oh, it's so fucking Hollywood. I love when people do that. They shit on Hollywood. Oh, it's so fucking Hollywood. What is in Hollywood? What is it? You name me one fucking corner of the

earth that there isn't somebody with power that people aren't saying something to Hollywood. The whole fucking world is Hollywood from here, all the way to Vladimir Putin, when he puts on the fucking skates and all those fucking Russian cunts act like they can't stop them, like they couldn't lay them out as he skates across the fucking red line with the puck, with his fucking head down. You couldn't lay that guy and then he takes a fucking shot and the goalie goes $1,000, $2,000. What about those fucking ginger cunts out there in South Carolina running that fucking town and all the cops, everybody looking the other way? It's all the same. It's all the same. You know what it is? You're just too ugly to be out here. Kidding. I was always too ugly to be out

here. And if I can fucking, if I can carve out a little foxhole of shit joke entertainment, then God damn it. So can you come on out here. You don't even need to anymore, right? That's what all the kids say. You don't need to be out there, man. Hey, you can make gone with the wind and fucking Oklahoma. All right, well, go ahead and fucking do it. Actually, what am I talking about? I did reservation dogs out in Oklahoma. That's a great show. So once again, no need to email me. I already know that I'm full of shit. But what I wasn't full of shit about is I told you guys I was getting rid of all my cigars and I look on the shelf right now is barren. There's nothing there. There's a couple of lighters left. I got them out of my house. Well, I got them out of my garage. And now

they're in my bedroom. I just need to bring them over to where I'm going to bring them. You know, what's funny is I did a benefit on Saturday night. I did this benefit for the troops, right? And as a thank you, they got me a box of fucking Cuban cigars. And in back of my head, I knew it was coming. I was gonna say, can you do me a favor? You know, I'm already having fun doing it. Just, you know, just don't give me cigars because I'll fucking smoke them. And then they gave me a box at 25. And they're real. And what am I supposed to do? I'm fucking every time they, you know, pull me. I dragged me back in. I'm right back in. But I don't know. I thought about smoking them like 15 times today. And I didn't. Oh, I could have I had the free time. I had the cutter, I had the

lighter, I had the scar. I had to get I had the fucking coffee, I had the whole fucking thing. And I didn't. I didn't, which is good. I've had one cigar this month. And I'm fucking good with that. That's that's gonna be the new me. The new me is going to be, I know, I know you guys like you're not going to do this bill. Well, I'm gonna fucking try. But I'm getting all this shit out of my house. And those but those cigars are just too nice to give away. I can't. So I don't know what to do. So what now I'm going to see is how long I can make those last. Can I make those last 25 months? Or I just have like three, four friends come over. And I only smoke one and they smoke the other three. Then I'm down to 21. See what they see the problem here. Anyhoo. But that's, that's my

deal. So instead of smoking and being a fucking idiot, I went and I played drums instead went and played drums. And I got I don't know, I got like this, I got this new thing, like I'm trying to fucking sit up straight and actually be on my sit bones. And for the longest time, I thought I had like a sciatic nerve problem, because of all the years of sitting in cars and on planes, and all of that. And all I had was flesh and bone on my backside, because I didn't do enough squats, not fucking true. It turns out that I wasn't sitting down properly. I wasn't on my sit bones. As they say, let me see here, I'll go sit down on my sit bones, you pick a hard surface. And it's the fucking, you got one bone in each butt cheek. That's what you're supposed to sit on. And if you sit on those fucking

things, rather than where I was sitting, I was sort of leaned forward. And I was cutting off the circulation. So I would play drums and my one of my, you know, one or both feet would start going numb. And I would be like, Oh, my God, am I having a stroke? What the fuck's going on here? It just turned out I was not sitting down properly. So if you are a drummer, or if you just work in an office in your feet to go and numb and stuff, you might want to check out your posture and learn how to sit properly, which I'm still figuring out how to do because now I sit down on the drums in a kick and now only occasionally one starts to go numb. And then I just kind of kind of think as I'm playing a song to kind of, where's it? There it is. I still like lean back. Still lean back, not like

Fat Joe, not in a cool way. I lean back in a bad posture kind of way. So you know, that's where I'm at. I saw I literally so didn't do shit today that I forgot today was Thursday and I had to do a podcast. And I got to end this vacation though, because I'll tell you this right now. I used to never have a problem fucking with these podcasts remembering when they are talking about shit. But like when you're just sitting around and you're not doing shit, you run out of shit to talk about, you know, like I'm literally going to talk about the weather. It is rained like a motherfucker out here. And stupid as LA, let's it all go down most of it go right down the LA River and out to the fucking ocean. It's fucking I don't understand. I just don't understand. Here's a question for you

guys. Why is doing the right thing versus choosing the money? Why is it never the same? Or can you give me examples in your life where choosing more money and doing what's right was the same thing? You know, it always feels like choosing the money is always a shortcut. You know, you're going to feel dirty afterwards, but you got this bag of loot, you're gonna fucking, you know, and I'm gonna go buy some stuff and it's going to make me fall in more stuff than you got out fucking me out whatever the whatever it is, whatever this bullshit was. You know, I'm really starting to get paranoid about the whole the whole consumption thing that I bought into, you know, like, you know, most people that I'm gonna buy, I'm gonna have stuff. And it's gonna fucking make me happy if I have this

stuff and everything. And like, I think the most fucked up thing, the most fucked up kind of stuff is disposable. You use it once and then you throw it out. It's got to be this and when we got away from like, I feel like manufacturers always resented repairmen, you know, or repair women or repair days. I just want to make sure I'm on the right side of history with this podcast. Is there anything more painful than listening to liberals say that? I just want to make sure I'm on the right side of history. No, you don't. You just want to cover your ass. That's what you want to do and say that I made the effort to say that word in that sentence and therefore I can now just continue to live my fucking stupid white life and not take responsibility for anything.

Stop acting like you're a fucking hero. All of them. And you know what's funny about all of that shit is then that becomes a cool thing to say. And then all those cunts fucking say it. And then when the shit hits the fan because somebody makes fun of it, they all fucking run away and act like they didn't say it. You know, it's driving me up the fucking wall. You know, listening to people saying like, no comedian got canceled. Like, what are you talking about? They're like parents. I never did that. Never happened. Nobody on a half-assed accusation lost a year or two of their career and has that controversy, that bullshit on their fucking Wikipedia for the rest of life.

That didn't ever happen. Yeah, it did. Yeah, it did. Just because you were doing it or didn't fall into the group that it was happening to. That's how it like, remember, remember, remember, remember. That's what people do when it comes back around again, they act like, I don't know what you're talking about. And I always equate it to rollerblading. It was the first fad that I was into and I saw everybody else was into it and I still loved it and everybody else walked away from it. And you know, that homophobic joke was attached to it and it made the whole thing go away. What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you're gay. That joke happened, right? In the fucking 1999 and a half.

And that was it for that fad. And I was really fucking upset. I was like, I like this. This shit is fun. I always want to learn how to skate. I'm kind of learning it on rollerblades, which I felt in some ways was more difficult. Definitely more cumbersome. You felt like you were in you had wooden shoes on. It still didn't help skating or whatever. I mean, maybe use some of the muscles, maybe it helps your breath, but it didn't it didn't help the skating. But like, I've just sort of noticed that then everybody, like, you literally see somebody that you rollerbladed with would be telling that joke. And you just looking at them like, you know, we rollerbladed together, right? Do you remember Central Park holding hands?

That was you, right? I don't know what you're talking about. Only gape. Yes, we were we were part of that. Yes, we were. We might as well had fucking rainbow shorts on. I still stand by it. I still think rollerblading is cool. I do find it amazing, you know, that that scooter somehow that fad survived any sort of like homophobic joke or something, maybe because it became motorized. You know, but I kind of look at that like, like Gary Hart had an extramarital affair and that ended his presidential campaign in 88. And then in 92, Clinton had like 50 of those. And he was just like, ah, you know, a lot pussy. He became president like four years later. I feel like

scooters are the Bill Clinton of fads. And rollerblading is like Gary Hart for some reason, you know, one thing you do have to watch out for, I will say is the year nine of a decade. And if you feel like you're doing something that's really popular, if you're a part of it, like this next decade, next decade's going to be rough. Like the first time I saw it was with disco disco was cruising right along. And all of a sudden it was 1980. And it was like, fuck you, man, new wave, AC DC back in black, blah, blah, blah, blah, as far as like white music went, you know, just commented on that, right? And then it became all these metal bands. And that was all fucking fine till like 8990, the odometer flipped, right? And then all of a sudden, you know,

Alison chains was sort of the first one like 88, let you know that shit was going to change. And then fucking Jane's addiction ritual came out. And then nevermind 91. And it was like that was it. They were good. That was the first time I experienced the whole fad and saw the whole fucking thing go away. And overnight, it felt like, like, where did Motley, where did all these fucking, where did all my bands go? Who are who? Why is everybody dressed like Roseanne on her show? Everybody had like fucking flannels on and all of that. Anyway, in 99, what went away the dot com and rollerblades, I might be a little off on this. All right. 2008 2009, what went away, the ability for somebody making $30 a year

to get a mortgage on a $300,000 house and all went away. What happened in 2019? The ability to go outside went away, right? In the 2020, everybody get inside. So what do you guys think is going to happen in 2029? Shout out to all the doctors though. I don't keep saying that all the doctors that have been working on viruses my entire fucking life and diseases shout out to that thankless fucking job. You know, as liberals and conservatives and everybody in between that rides on the same boat as you do just pokes holes in the bottom of it with no background whatsoever. It was one of the more fascinating things. I'm glad that it was, I don't know,

as frustrating as it was at times and bored as you got and all the money you lost and all that. It was, you know, you got to admit, if we could just all set aside our difference, it was a pretty fucking wild thing to go through. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say none of us handled it that well. I know I didn't, there's a lot of screaming and yelling, but everybody's going to, everybody, you watch everybody rewrite history. It was the other side and we would have solved it if it wasn't, no, no, no, there was one group of people that could solve it and they were getting heckled the entire time. How come you can't solve it in a year, man? As they quietly walk down AIDS over 40 fucking years, changes, fucking changes.

And what do I do? I sit here talking to myself, talking to myself into a microphone, that's what the fuck I do. Well, nameless people sit with lab coats working with germs. I mean, it's pretty, it's fucking amazing. I'm going to talk to one of them, like what is it, what's it like to be that smart? And then just, you know, in between getting to work and talking to somebody else that smart, what's it like to run into somebody like me? Does your soul, like, does a part of your soul float away whenever you run into somebody like me and I just say, you know what I think? This is what I think. No, this is what they're doing. I've tried to be a little more even-handed or whatever, but I swear to you, if you go back

in the history of this podcast, I mean, I was on board. If you had a conspiracy, send it my way, I am on fucking board. And I went all the way into that. And then I hung out with those people. I was like, wait, these people are out of their fucking minds too. And then I realized I was out of my mind. And then I was like, is everybody out of their mind? And I was like, you know, I'm going to make my life small. I'm going to stay in my own lane. I like cigars, I like coffee and old trucks. That's what I talk about when I'm not pontificating about shit beyond me, right? I believe I called Vladimir Putin, Hollywood earlier in this podcast, whatever, what are you going to do? I have a mouth, I use it. I'm not paying attention

to it any more than you are. I hope that you're on your last set at the gym. Huh? What are you doing shoulders? You work in the upper body? I call those ego days. You know what I mean? And when you're doing the fucking, oh, wow, that's an interesting question. I bet gay guys do more legs than fucking straight guys. You know what I mean? Because we're all walking around fucking, you know, because I feel like chicks are always checking out your arms and your chest. Then if you're gay, are gay guys more looking at your ass and thighs? There's a question. There's one I just figured I'd throw out to you guys do more squats. See, I asked the difficult questions on this podcast. All right, with that, with this whimper of intellect, let's fucking, let's do a

little, let's do some ad reads here. Everyone is I try to sit in the chair and not have one of my feet go numb. The fuck happens to you in life? This old house was something, something. All right. Oh, wow, you know, just thinking like plastic surgery, is that like something like redoing a house? There's a lot of people doing that now. You know, flipping, except they're doing it with their body. It's funny though, but they really do it like plastic surgery is really like flipping a house where you're just doing the exterior, but you're not really fucking with the plumbing or the electrical. That's the shit. You know, that's the thing that they're working towards. I would think is eternal life. And you imagine, I mean, it's not going to happen for us.

The regulars, but those other people, the people behind the people, oh boy, I got the tin foil hat coming down off the bookshelf, the people behind the fucking people. Like you explained to me how Dick Cheney is still alive. I mean, back in the day, I mean, one other thing, another tip of the cap to doctors, right? And I'm not wishing death on Dick Cheney. I'm just saying that that guy had major, major fucking heart issues that would have, would have killed 100 shoe salesmen a week back in the day. And he's still walking around, you know, pheasant hunting. Doesn't he have a fake heart? I don't even know if he does. You know what's amazing about that

is, you know, what's great about having a fake heart is when you shoot a friend of yours in the face that doesn't skip a beat. It just keeps coming along. He was almost emotionless. I wasn't there. I don't know what I'm talking about. All right. Helix Sleep, everybody. Helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses, including a collection of luxury models. Yeah, they got a little pinstripe down the side. A mattress for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids ages three to 12. So how will you know which Helix mattress works best for you and your body? Well, take the Helix sleep quiz and find your

perfect mattress in under two minutes. Come on, people. I mean, you're going to spend a 30 a life in bed. Can't you give yourself two minutes to let them know how big your feet are? How much, how much your ankles weigh? Helix knows that there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by fucking on it. No. Then by sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer a 100 night trial and a 10 to 15 year warranty to try out your new Helix mattress. 10 to 15 years, depending on how big and tall you are. Now, those guys, you know, it'd be funny if they look up to see if you fucking need Viagra or not. You know, if you're young and you still got a nice fucking dick that stands at attention, just going to be pounding away. I think you get 10. Right? If you

like getting a double, double animal style, you probably get 10. But you know, if you're vegan, you know, I think you can get the 15. You can get the 15 year one. I don't know how it works out. Anyway, all I know is everybody is unique. It doesn't mean you're interesting. It's just we can recognize that you're not somebody that you're claiming to be. And everyone sleeps differently. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from. Each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences. You know, it says several different models, mattress models. In the future, I bet Helix is going to offer an actual robot model that you can bang on your perfect mattress. You'll probably go to their virtual store, try out some virtual sex robots.

You know, and it's just like, all right, this is the side of the mattress I want to sleep on. This is the side that I want to bang my robot sex doll on. And then they'll just adjust it perfectly. I mean, I'm giving them a compliment saying that they're going to adjust with the times. All right. You think the hipster thing's going to be is to actually have a human partner at some point. You know, they always think everything back of the day was better. All right, everybody's unique and everyone sleeps differently. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from. Each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences. It's kind of creeping me out here. Plus Helix mattresses are American made. That's fucking right. We make weed

and mattresses here, man. And come with the 10 to 15 year warranty depending on the model. Don't want to take my word for it. Huh? You fucking assholes. Helix says that last part wasn't part of the part of the dialogue here, but you know, don't want to take my word for it. Sounds very combative for advertising. Maybe I was a bad read. Hey, don't want to take my word for it. Well, Helix hasn't. Yes, you put your eyebrows up when you read that one. Don't want to take my word for it. Helix hasn't been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and wired magazine. I always feel like sociopaths read GQ. Don't they? They're sort of the male versions of women who read fucking Cosmo, you know, and stand in front

of a mirror and suck their cheeks in before they start crying to themselves and then going down stairs. Is everything all right, honey? Yeah, everything's fine. Well, you don't look fine. Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr. This is their best offer yet. And you know something that's not going to last long. Like an 18 year old prom night, it's not going to last with Helix. Better sleep starts now. H-E-L-I-X. All right, there you go. All right, 26, 27 minutes in. I can put my feet up, especially because my left foot's starting to fall asleep. You know, God help me if whoever fucking writes my health insurance ever listens to this. They're just

going to be adding, what do they call those? Pre-existing conditions. Well, if you go back and you listen to his podcast in March of 2023, you'll see that this condition already existed. Objection, your honor. My client is a comedian and he exaggerates the truth. Him saying that his left foot was going asleep was a metaphor for how numbed up his feelings were about life sustained. Okay. Well, then we would argue that his negative attitude towards his future is going to cause, they would somehow figure out a way not to pay. Those fucking cunts. Can you imagine what that must be? Can somebody like who has that job, can you just cleanse your soul and write into me and just be like, have you been in those meetings where they sit there and

they try to figure out how they're not going to fulfill what they promised to their policyholders when they basically say like, listen, we're in the business of collecting premiums, not paying people in need. That's just what we told them. When the shit hits the fan, we have no intention of giving anybody even remotely what was promised. We're going to play the blame game and say it was an act of God or your policy doesn't cover that. And then the genius part is we're going to use all the money that we collected in good faith. We're going to use a small portion of that to pay the legal fees to defeat all of these innocent people in court. That's the game plan. I just want to know when you, when, I know there's a corporate way of saying that

without saying it, but I always wondered, do you guys literally do the villain in a B movie after that? Do you all go? Afterward? Anyway, I don't have any answers to people. I don't have any answers. All right. Other podcasts have answers. All I have is theories, a couple of questions and a foot that won't stop going numb. Get on your sit bones. I'm on my sit bones. Well, you know what it is? This is sort of a wicker chair. How do you sit on your sit bones in a wicker chair? That's like a Jeopardy question. I am a kind of chair that doesn't help if you're sitting on your sit bones. Carol, what is wicker?

What is wicker? What's the deal with wicker? All right. That is the podcast, everybody. Good luck with your March Madness brackets. I hope you get along with everybody that you care about, and I hope people you don't care about, you don't care about, and you'll let them fucking live their life away from you, live their life away from you. That's it. I don't know why. I just want a bucket of fried chicken right now. I have no idea why. I was just thinking, what am I going to do when I get off this podcast? And then my brain just said, why don't you go out and get a bucket of chicken? You know what's funny too? It was a no-name brand too. The Colonel's face was not on the side. It was just a white bucket that you already saw the grease like clouds forming

on the outside of it, and I was going to sit there. You know what's the greatest thing about eating a bucket of chicken? It's not eating the chicken. It's the way you hold the bucket like a newborn baby. I don't think there is any other greasy food that feels the level of affection before it's consumed like a bucket of fried chicken. All right. I have close friends in my life that I've never held the way I've held a bucket of chicken. All right. Can you tell that I've been eating healthy? Like now I'm just like, these are all like distant memories and shit, but like I'm kind of, I fucked up the other night, you know, or the other day I went out and I got some food for me and my wife and I got her a little dessert and she's been being good. She goes,

yeah, I don't want to eat that. And she was like, now if they had this other thing, which they had, and I was like, fuck, I should have gotten to that. So then, you know, I was raised not to waste food. That was the excuse I used. And I consumed that and then I got sugar back in me. So last night, I'm getting ready to go to bed. And I say, like, hey, Nia, where's that box of those plain M&Ms? You know, I had like a movie size box of those things. And I fucking hate plain M&Ms. There's just something wrong about them to two fucking handfuls of them. And the level of sugar in your fucking body, you're like, what am I doing? Like, am I going to, am I going to come back from this? And you still finish the box. And it's like, you feel like you're in a contest,

like you should get a fucking tea, like you just literally can't stop. And my wife goes, she goes, you don't want to do that. You don't want to do that. Come on, you're doing so well, you don't want to do that. And I was like, yeah. All right, I went downstairs, got a glass of water. I got my wits about me and I came back upstairs. And I was like, hey, Nia, she's like, well, I go, thanks for that. You know, like I was on Hill Street Blues. Hey, everybody, be careful out there. It was the exact same delivery. And I think I fucking crushed it. All right, that's it. Oh, you know, okay, wait a minute. I don't have anything to do. I'll keep talking. You know what else I like? I always liked when McDonald's had the double cheeseburger, they used to have it,

and then they would make it go away. You know, like they deliberately made it rare. And when it would come back, my favorite part, beyond consuming it and ordering two in a large fry. When I was a little kid, I would get a chocolate shake. But as I got older and more mature, I went with the fucking Coke. You know what I mean? Not because I didn't want the chocolate shake, because I wasn't secure enough in my manhood at that point to drink a chocolate shake in front of my drunk friends. You know, it'd be great if he had the fucking poise of a 54 year old at 14. Can you imagine if he just a 15? Can you imagine this disk? But there are kids out there like that. And they're all out

there one of them, you know, they're out there banging teachers. All right. This is what happens when you just keep talking. You just say stupid shit. All right. So my favorite part is they should do that in one of those fucking trials where like some female, like I swear to God, anytime there's a female teacher banging a male student, like I'm always jealous. I'm always just like you. I mean, I'm not a hater. I'm like, good for you. Good for you. Oh my God. Can you imagine doing that? You can't fucking tell anybody because you're going to have that. What a fine that is. That is a fucking ride. That is a fucking ride. Um, as long as she doesn't convince you to go out and kill her fucking husband like that one

did or something like that. I can't remember. It's one of the, you know, it's funny. All of those fucking murders she wrote in first 48s and all that shit that my lovely wife watches right before I always fall asleep to them. And then they just all blend together in just one big cesspool of shit of stuff that people like who would never commit a crime and they just fucking do it, you know, all of a sudden just to write a circumstances, you know, like everybody, they look at a murderer. They're like, how could you take the life of somebody else? It's like, well, maybe, you know, you never got to bang your language teacher. Maybe that's all you needed to be thrown into the pot. That was the missing ingredient, you know, and then you take somebody

out with a fucking rake, whatever the hell you could find. It's a murder weapon. I'm a big believer in using a non-murder weapon as a murder weapon. So then it can like hide in plain sight when the, when the was it ballistic forensics comes over. You know what I mean? Like if you beat somebody to death with a rake, well, it would make all these fucking, first of all, it was one of those wooden ones. Like how many times would you have to hit them? And then the fucking rake would be all fucked up. That's not bad. You kind of destroying evidence. Yeah, wooden rake would be good. Because then when you bury it in the ground, it's going to naturally decompose faster than an iron rake. But if you kill somebody with an iron rake, that's more metal,

isn't it? Kind of grew up on that shit. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. That even say why I like the double cheeseburger. I love the unwrapping of it. Like I can still, I can still, I can still hear the sound of the paper when it like I would unwrap, you know, in that rush of pink slime, trans fat just coursing through your fucking veins, you know, after about seven or eight fucking make a little blights. Maybe that's why my foot's going up. All right, that's the podcast. That's the Thursday afternoon, just for Friday, my mom. Please enjoy the music put together by the birthday boy, Andrew Thamelis. It's his birthday week,

baby. Please wish him a happy birthday. One of the great people I've met in this business. Truly, truly a great person. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, a greatest hits one you can enjoy. That is it. I hope you enjoyed this while you sat in traffic or sat on an airplane. What the fuck you did? I hope I got you through some boat. Maybe listen to it at work. You're supposed to be working. If you fuck them right now. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March. What is it? March 16th, March, March 16th, 2015. How's it going? I'm kind of under the gun here.

I am trying to do this podcast as quickly as I can. I have a weird travel week where right now it's Sunday night and our Sunday afternoon. And I am doing my final two shows at the punch line in Atlanta ever. So one of my favorite stand up comedy clubs that I ever got to work at. I absolutely love this place. I started talking about it last week, but basically, I don't know what happened. They lost their lease. I guess they're redoing the building or some shit like that. So now they have to move it. It's literally a stand up comedy museum. And they were nice enough to ask me if I wanted to do one more night. And that's what I'm doing. And as you can hear, my voice is much better. It's a little fucked up, but I'm doing much better. And old Billy Freckles,

old Billy Freckles is back in the gym. I'll talk about that in a second, but I do have to hype something. I have a movie coming out this week. Sorry, a few more cops here. A movie that a buddy of mine Jordan Rubin directed called Zombie Beavers. That's right. Zombie Beavers, you know? One of the bucket list things you have to check off as an actor. At some point, you got to be in a movie about zombies. I mean, that's just my own opinion. I mean, I am just a comedian who tries to act every once in a while. But as far as I'm concerned, you know, there's a few bucket list scenes you have to do, right? You got to get interrogated at some point, get punched in the face and act like you would actually wouldn't tell the people shit. All right, you got to do that scene. You

got to do the scene where you get chased down the alley and you throw the trash can down and the cop leaves over it and you get to the chain link fence and you start right as you're halfway up. They grab you and they pull you back down. You got to do that one. You got to get shot and killed, which I did. I got shot and killed in standup guys got killed by Al Pacino. Huh? Doesn't get any better than that. So once you've checked those off, there's only one thing left to do. You got to do a fucking zombie movie. You have to do a zombie movie. As far as I'm concerned, all these fucking English cunts who go over there and you know, where Oxford, where the fuck they go to learn how to act. Then they come over here and they can do an accent like they're from Rhode Island and

everybody gets all blown away. Fuck all those guys, unless and women, unless they did a zombie movie. So anyways, a buddy of mine, Jordan Rubin, is making this movie. It's about zombie beavers, beavers that turned into zombies. Oh, he's turning the genre right on its ear. Obviously, the movie is making fun of zombie movies. And it's obviously it's well aware how ridiculous zombie beaver movies are beavers that are zombies, I should say. So please spare me the dude, how much money did you need that you took apart in this fucking thing? It's a fun ass fucking movie. I got to do one scene in it with a buddy of mine. And you probably won't recognize him because he's got on a wig and a mustache. And without giving away too much, I think work without us, the movie

doesn't work. Okay, and that might sound arrogant. But if you watch the storyline, it doesn't work. So it comes out March 18. You know, go eat a pot cookie, go down there, go check out zombie beavers directed by a good friend of mine, Jordan Rubin, who I actually, when I first came down to New York City, I used to do open mics and work at the Boston Comedy Club and all that shit. Way back in the day, me and him, you know, used to perform in front of like fucking eight people around midnight or whatever. So, you know, it's great to see him move up the ranks. He's now directing movies and shit like that. And he said, I got this over the top crazy fucking movie. You got to come down and have fun. It's a one day thing. And I'm not going to lie to you,

dude, I had a great time. So check it out. Have a good time. But please don't fucking text me like I thought this movie was saving private Ryan. Okay, I understand what it is. All right, so spare me your fucking shaking my head tweets and, you know, your whole I have the world figured out, fucking horseshit. All right, just have a good time with it is what it is. You know what I mean? You know, as we actually read an article on the way out here that somebody sent to me where Pat Noswald was getting interviewed in some magazine that I guess he's had issues with. And I almost fucking ate the magazine. It was so fucking frustrating. Listen to him trying to convey to the person writing it like it's just this this fucking judging of stand up, like, well,

don't we have the right to say our opinion about the joke? It's like, you're not a fucking comedian. This fucking thing where it's like, these selfish assholes just sit in a crowd and listen to an hour's worth of stand up where everything under the sun is getting trashed and they're laughing along with it and having a great time. And then all of a sudden one joke they don't like, and they're like, wait a minute, is he is he serious now? Does she really mean that? And just like that whole philosophy, like if you do like a rape joke or something like that, like that's somehow going to make somebody who wouldn't have raped somebody, then go out and rape somebody. You know what I mean? I grew up watching Richard Pryor. I never free based.

I never shot a car and made the engine block came out. I didn't have the cops come to my house all day. I never lit myself on fire. None of that. I never went to illegal crap games. You know, I never even been to a whorehouse. Hey, I picked up my hookers on the street. Okay. You know what I mean? Just this fucking, this stupid ass outrage about nothing. And meanwhile, meanwhile, you got a group of people in this country, a small group of people in this country that literally turned the food supply into poison, which to me is the biggest terrorist act against this country that I can think of every day we're eating this shit that's going to give us fucking cancer, everybody. You know what I mean? And these fucking jerk offs are breaking people's balls

who are out there. Oh no, please don't die. Please don't die. Is this thing dying on me here? Hang on. Hang on. Is this the headphones? Is it? Oh, it's the headphones. Oh, fuck. I thought my battery's dying. That's fucking hilarious. Right in the middle of making a great point. So these guys are too busy, you know, rather than dealing with like real problems, I'm sitting there breaking comics, balls that are on open mics, fucking around, fucking around. Ah, Jesus, it drives me up the fucking wall. So I was reading it because I have a tremendous amount of respect for Pat in the fucking, you know, he's one of the best in the business. And listening to this fucking person going like, well, what about this? The fact that a comedian

has to debate stand up comedian on an eyeball to eyeball level with someone who isn't a stand up comic. And they literally think that the points that they're making are just as legitimate as the comedians is one of the most fucking arrogant things. Like, look, I know a little bit about cars, but I wouldn't sit there debating what's a better design with a fucking mechanic. I guess mechanics don't design them, they fix them. Whoever the fuck fixes them. But right there, there's my argument. I don't know enough about cars to go eyeball to eyeball with somebody. Jesus fucking Christ. What kills me is the bullshit that they're talking about now in comedy clubs has been going on for 40 fucking years in comedy clubs and nothing bad ever happened.

But now there's social media and everybody has a fucking camera in a goddamn opinion. And now there's this just running around like the fucking sky is falling because you didn't like the answer to knock knock who's there. It's fucking unbelievable. These fucking like, I don't know who that person is, but the level of jerk off that they are arrogant fucking ass that they think that they can just sit there and like they have this valid point on set up and punch lines with a stand up comedian. Jesus fucking Christ. I will never understand it. I will never understand people that actually go to a comedy club and get offended. I just I don't understand it. And if you get offended, that's tough shit. Okay, you went out to a comedy club. All right. That's too fucking

bad. That's on you. All right, I'm gonna say this for the last time. If you fucking want to have a leg to stand on, hire a comedian for your own private party and tell the person the parameters to perform within. All right, other than that, you don't have a leg to stand on. And these fucking cunts on these stupid ass websites who watch a clip of somebody performing in the comedy club and they get mad at the comic. The comic is guilty of nothing other than trying out material in a comedy club. If you want to get upset, get upset with the person who videotaped it, who was told not to. And they're the ones that uploaded it and brought it into your fucking eggshell fucking world. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. But Patton, what about this? I've never

done stand up. Is this a valid fucking point? Jesus Christ. This is fucking the arrogance of that. The fucking arrogance of it. Unbelievable. Anyways, will I sit in the crowd? Don't I have a right? Everybody's so fucking special now. Everybody's feelings are so fucking goddamn special. Grow a dick. Okay. And let it slide off your fucking back for Christ's sake and fucking move on to the next joke, you bunch of babies. What a bunch of fucking I've never such a fucking pussy time to be living in yet some of the most psycho gangster shit is going down and nobody's fucking focusing on it. I think how gradually they're actually talking about climate. You know that that could be the number one threat against Americans is Miami is starting to slip into the

fucking ocean and they're breaking somebody's fucking balls about a relationship joke that they told in a strip mall in a fucking funny ball. That's getting more goddamn attention. Anyways, all right, I'm off my fucking soapbox. Sorry. So anyways, let's plow ahead here. This is one of my favorite times of year as far as this is when like I watch hoop. I don't watch pro hoop. I watch college hoop and I don't get into the whole fucking March madness, the big dance. I like the regionals, the big 10 championship I'm watching right now where Wisconsin was down by 11. Their biggest deficit of the season right now they got it tied up 67 up. You're probably asking yourself, well, who are you for here, Bill? I'm actually for Wisconsin.

I have some friends that went to to university in Michigan. So I think Michigan State's more of an arch rival. And I don't know. I'm kind of partial to all those fucking states. So I like all those states that everybody basically shits on. I got to be honest with you. Or the part sections of the country, the flyover states, the south, you know, those some of those meth states in the Pacific Northwest. I fucking love all those places. And I plan, you know what I want to do? I got this southern bus tour coming up, which I'm so ridiculously excited about. I can't fucking wait to get on the bus with Lawhead coach and Verzi and just go to a bunch of cities. I never I've never been to Knoxville,

Tennessee. And it's going to kill me that there's not a fucking football game going on. But I blew through Memphis one time really quickly. I never been to Shreveport. I never I've never even done stand up in Mississippi. So to be 23 years into the business and to be excited about coming out to all these new places, I can't fucking wait. I got this killer poster that I'm going to be whoring myself out, you know, selling it at the end of every show. I'm going to autograph all of them. And I can't wait. And I'm thinking about doing another bus tour later on this year, where I go through like, you know, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming's the last state I need to perform in. So I got to do a gig out that way, go through Montana, the Dakotas,

that whole fucking part of the country. I don't know, good people, good food. I like it. You know what I mean? And I know whatever. Some of the dumb shit that people on the coast give people a shit about in the middle of the country, like, because they know what's going on more in the fashion world, or different kinds of music or fucking whatever. And like, meanwhile, like the middle of the country is like our food supply. You know, all these fucking headphones are driving me fucking nuts. Come on, man. Or like, you know, you know, all these morons who don't know who the I don't know, whatever you consider, you know, they don't know where to get good sushi, but they can fucking take apart a car and put it back together better than when it came from the factory.

I mean, there's a lot of fucking cool shit out there, I think. Anyway, so beyond excited for that. The first week, the end of the tour, we, we end up in New Orleans, and we spent an extra day in New Orleans, which is going to be a shit. And then the last the last night of the tour, we're going to be at the Kentucky Derby. So that's about as good as it fucking gets. So tickets are on sale for all dates right now. Go to billbird.com and pick up a pair and we'll come down and we'll give you we'll give you a fucking money's worth. So anyways, I mentioned that old Billy Freckles was back in the gym. And, you know, I don't know, the holidays. And then I did that that fucking trip through, you know, Australia, New Zealand, New Zealand and Southeast Asia, combination of that,

the Rose Bowl and all that. I became Billy Fadigan, I got up to like a buck 84. So fucking pissed at myself, man, I was down in my fighting weight, 168 to 172. So this time, I've decided not only to get myself back in shape, I'm going to say what weight I'm going to be. You know, even though I'm not going to fucking do some dumb shit and stand on the scale and show it to you guys, but just a mere fact that I'm going to be was this way too fucking quiet. I'm such a dumb cunt when it comes to this shit. Just to just so I'll fucking stick with it. I keep trying to get down to the last time I had a flat fucking stomach and I had abs. I was a buck 62. The closest I've ever gotten was 167. But even then, even then, I don't know how to do it right. I still had like the belly, you know

what I mean? Because you start dieting, you actually end up losing muscle and that type of shit. But I'm going to try to figure out how to do it without going to GNC and getting that awful fucking cancerous shit, whatever the fuck that's there's no fucking way that stuff is good for you. That science that powdered shit that the FDA doesn't even have to look at to see if it's bad for you. Someone's telling me all of that shit though, those milks that are supposed to build muscle so I don't get in trouble. Yeah, that they have like metals in them. I don't know. Does other shit have metals in it? I have no fucking idea. I don't know. I'm drinking a bottled water here. This is probably bottled like fucking 10 years ago. Sat in a fucking warehouse.

God knows what the hell's in my system now. But anyways, just for the pure vanities of it, I want to see if I can get back down there. So I've been hitting the fucking elliptical. And I was doing good, man. I got down to like a buck 78. But I fucked up last night because I made homemade ravioli. The first time I ever tried doing that and I watched this video that these people put up of their right off the boat Italian grandmother. And if you guys have listened to this podcast, if you knew the podcast, I fucking love Italians. I love their country. I love their food. I like their cars. I like the flashy shit that they're into. You know what I mean? Verzi always says I'm a closet fucking Italian. So it's not enough for

me to go to Italy and eat the goddamn food. I got to figure out how to at least make an attempt at making it. So you know, I actually, you know, I got some semolina, right? And I fucking did the whole well thing. Two eggs per pound. I made a pound of this shit. And my fucking the actual pasta part of it, the the fucking, the ravioli part came out great. The filling I had to wing because they didn't really say what the recipe was. So I kind of eyeballed it. And I also forgot to add an egg to it. So it tasted a little weird. It was a little too sweet and some sugar and a little bit of cinnamon in it with some ricotta cheese. And right there, you're like, wow, that's fucking a weird group of flavors there. You got to make sure everything's right. And I tried to eyeball it. So

but my big fucking thing is the ravioli thing that I have, I have like a tray where you wait, lay one sheet down, and then you put the filling in it in each one of the things. And then you lay another one, you do an egg wash and lay another one on top. And then you get this roller thing. Don't get those those things fucking suck. Just get the stamp. Because even after all that bullshit, this is the second time I tried to make it like 30% of them exploded. And all the filling came out anyways, when I was when I was in the midst of trying to cook the fucking things. But I don't know, that's three hours of my life will never get back. But I figure each time I do it, I'll get a little bit better.

So whatever. What else am I doing here? I'm sorry, guys, this is all over the fucking map. I literally just landed and I got to do a show here. They're picking me up in a fucking an hour. So I got to wrap this thing up and put on my my my stage makeup before I get on. I get on stage. I don't even know if they've even sent me the fucking advertising. Have I got anything? Meanwhile, as I'm looking this up, how about those fucking Bruins? Huh? What do you think about them? Those motherfuckers were playing mediocre all goddamn year. And then finally, I don't know what's happened, like they had a nice little run there right before the all star break. And then all of a sudden, you know, they went right back to, you know, when to lose to win one lose three,

win two, lose one that bullshit. And now all of a sudden they're playing, playing for their playoff lives. Beat the penguins. What I see a beat recently, I've been all over the map. I know they beat Detroit, they beat Philly, they beat the penguins, they beat Tampa Bay. They're on a nice little run here. You know, it'd be nice if we could we got swept by the Canadians this year, but it's just a you know, it's just regular season, you get into the playoffs, anything can fucking happen. And I still think the Stanley Cup winner is going to come out of the West, which means once again, the Montreal Canadiens will go home coupless, which really makes me fucking happy. You know, what I get so excited about is that when they sweep us in the regular

season, I get, I get text messages from Montreal Canadian fans, like they're legitimately excited that they swept the Bruins. I mean, it's a fucking compliment. Back in the day, they didn't give a fuck. They didn't win a cup. It was a failure. Now they're celebrating shit that they did in March. I just love. I just love that now there's that there's actually 30 fucking teams. You know what I mean? All that fucking bullshit goes out the goddamn window. You know, when you're competing with five other fucking teams, and you get first chance to sign anybody within a 200 mile radius of your goddamn city, and you live in Montreal. Yeah, it's a bit of an advantage, I'd say I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're going to go on a little bit of a run there.

Fucking Bruins. We had first dibs on the best player from Vermont. I'm telling you, they got this kid down there and in fucking wound socket Rhode Island. Anyways, uh, plowing ahead here, I might have to stop this fucking podcast. I haven't got any my information here. If we want information, information, who are you? The new number two, who was number one? Oh, by the way, if you don't want to ruin that, um, that shit I was imitating last week, um, about that rich guy, that guy, I never knowingly lied. I never, I never purposely knowingly lied. Um, there's some news about him in the, uh, in the papers. Just please do not look at it, uh, if you're watching that series because, uh, kind of ruins the series, um, one way or the

other, because it's basically, you're trying to guess whether or not this guy will ever get, uh, uh, I don't know, brought to justice. Um, so there's some information there that, that I shouldn't have said that shit. Now people are going to look it up and just fucking tweet it anyways. They're such cunts. Where the fuck is my god? This is the time when I usually do the advertising. Why? Didn't you say the advertising over? I might have to do this in segments. You know what? I'm just going to act like I'm, I'm going to, I'll just say that I'm doing advertising. I'll edit it later. Okay. We will be right back with the Monday morning podcast after these messages. Alrighty. And we are back. Wasn't that a great read that I did in the future?

In the fucking future. I woke up this morning by doobado boop. And, uh, last night I had a 745 a.m. flight, right? So my wife, three pointer for Wisconsin. They're up 75 69 with two minutes ago. So I woke up last night. I told my wife that I had this 745 a.m. flight and she goes, you know, I'll give you the ride to the airport and go, all right, you're a sweetheart. And then she mentioned that there was the LA marathon. And I was like, well, we'll get up early, we'll be fine, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we go, we wake up in the morning and, uh, we start driving down the street and every fucking street is blocked off. So, um, ended up jumping on the highway, just cruising down to the LAX and she kept bitching about the traffic she was going to run into. And I was going,

look at the other side of the fucking highway. There's nothing here. Stop being such a pussy. You know what I mean? You know, oh my God, my life isn't perfectly comfortable. You know, women are right. The second, the fucking AC is one degree too fucking cold or it's too hot. They just start bitching. You know what I mean? And for some reason we don't just go, ah, just shut up. You know, I don't know why we don't do that. Why we don't do it more often. They're just fucking addicted to fucking complaining. So she's bitch-moner than complaining. All this fucking crap about the goddamn traffic. Meanwhile, if she had a 745 a.m. flight, I would have fucking driven and then I wouldn't have given a fuck. The granddad, I'm a morning person.

She said to me, she goes, how the fuck are you this awake? She's one of those people that hates getting up in the morning. She's like, how the fuck are you this awake? And it's like, well, you know, I had a paper route from the time I was in third grade. I had a paper route. I never knowingly lied about sleeping in. I had a paper route from third grade until freshman year of high school. I kept that paper route until freshman year of high school to where it was like weird. Like I was coming up, like my voice had changed and shit. I was still delivering newspapers because it was considered a little kid job before the bankers completely fucked over everybody and has everybody upside down in the house. And now it's like actually an adult second job

delivering newspapers. And I kept the job because I liked having money. Like my whole life I had money. Like if you had a paper route right in the third grade, like you had no overhead. You didn't have any rent. You didn't have any woman in your life. Right? You couldn't drink. You couldn't do drugs. It was just whatever you took home you had. It's perfect. Spending on football cards and fucking candy. That's all. That's the only thing I could buy. What else before they're gonna buy? Sandwich? I didn't give a shit. So I always had fucking money. And I always remember that. Like kids fucking always bumming money off their parents. Like when I got into junior high. I didn't. I always had like an extra five bucks on me. Which five bucks was

like having fifty bucks on you when you were in the sixth grade. I mean lunches I swear to God were like a dollar ten. You get doubles for two twenty. I know I'm old. Go fuck yourself. But that's what it was. It was like a dollar fifty maybe for lunch. Something like it was a dollar and change. So I remember that people be asking for quarters and shit like that. I always I always looked and I thought they were pathetic. Even back then I was like to get a fucking job. Always bumming money off your parents. But then I was jealous because they got to sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays. And the paper that I delivered the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald came out seven days a week. Three hundred sixty five days a year. I think I told this story

before I went from third grade until sixth grade before I finally had a day off. I did it every single day for like three years. And the only reason why it did is because we finally took a family vacation. We were gone for a week. And I remember we let the forget who we let do the paper routes. I think it was the newspaper company themselves. We let them do it. And I came back at all these fucking complaints because it was some like fucking twenty seven twenty eight year old guy who was out getting pussy the night before. So he would just drive down the street and just fucking throw him you know with the rubber band around it elastic whatever the fuck you say in your part of the world. Just throw him out the fucking window right into a puddle or into a

shrub and no one could find it. And I remember coming back and everybody bitching at me. I mean I was terrible. I wasn't here last week. I was you know I was on vacation. But my first one in three years you can't could you let me in the house. Maybe I could warm up. Do you notice my nostrils sticking together every time I fucking inhale. That means it's cold out. What is your problem. What happened the one fucking week. I was on a hundred and fifty six week tear where you got it in your fucking door dry every goddamn day seven days of fucking we're gonna break my balls because I took a week off right there right there. That should have been that should have let me know. That should have let me know what I was in for when you get when you get fucking older

just that constant. There's always a fucking problem. You know what I mean. And just somehow you just got to like I don't know. I don't know. You know what if you guys can figure out a fucking way to get a woman to sustain happiness. They can get it but to get him to sustain it. Just go for a nice three four day was last time your wife or your girlfriend three four day run was in a good mood. Just cruising along letting shit just whatever. Don't worry about it. It's all good. I don't know how the fuck did I get on this fucking tangent. I apologize. I never knowingly trashed women. I never knowingly lied about my experiences with them. Wisconsin's going to win this fucking thing. Now they're up by 10 shit. I'll tell you basketball

you know it's a game of runs. I saw this thing today where Yao Ming Yao Ming is he's like he's in China now and he has this he has like a like a fucking I don't know what he's doing. He went to some big summit in Beijing right his poor fucking bastard the guys like nine feet tall like his head is above the smog level in that goddamn town and he's going in there fighting the good fight for his people right and that's all I'm thinking like wow what a great guy I mean this guy's got all the money in the fucking world playing in the NBA he doesn't have to do this and he's worried about his countrymen and the guys walking up the steps right you can just see you know fucking people like who are that tall it's it's they're never comfortable nothing's built for

their size you know they fucking you know the amount of work their heart has to do to fucking their hearts the same size as ours that's why you don't see like a bunch of eight seven foot you know 70 year olds the only guy you can think of is Bill Russell everybody else like dies in their 50s because of your heart it's the same size as a guy like my size like 5 10 and it's got to pump all that blood to your tippy toes every fucking time it's a lot of goddamn work right you got the rpms you're redlining it there so here's the guy walking up all these fucking stairs eight foot tall dude wearing some suit he doesn't have to be there and you should see the picture there's a bunch of people taking a picture of the guy it's like fucking the fucking leave

him alone he's going in there making sure the next time you double park you don't get run over by a tank right can you do the guy is solid and get the fuck out of the way no is that weird is that weird for me to say that is it weird for me to be filibustering on my own fucking podcast because i still haven't got the questions or any of that shit for the week ah Jesus i'm gonna send another fucking text here by the way i uh you know i told you guys that i was gonna go out and buy a nice fucking car i know what i'm getting i know what i'm getting um oh there it is hey sorry about the delay sending now i was waiting on ads okay cool i know what the fuck i'm gonna get and i'm not gonna tell you guys you don't rip it i'm buying an old car and uh i'm gonna i'm buying an old car

that's gonna cost me about four grand with a straight body and then i'm gonna get the fucking interior done and the uh you get it all fucking painted right and on top it's gonna look like the mid 60s when the car came out and underneath is gonna be fucking 2015 just like those cars i see them making on uh on fast and loud i watched that show so much i fucking love that show and i basically i mean i'm trying to think of a car i ever saw them make that i didn't like i mean i love most of them but the worst i ever had is i still liked it i still appreciated what they did they just make such great fucking cars and i got sucked into that shit and i was just sitting there going like why go out and be another douchebag driving one of these

all every fucking sedan looks like a goddamn dinner roll now they all look the exact same or i can go out like richard ralings does and find a fucking car you know granted i don't know how to do it so i'll pay through the nose but i don't give a fuck i'll find a car that looks cool that has potential get the fucking thing painted redo the interior like it just came off the factory then underneath you know everything is fucking 2015 2015 fucking technology that's one of that's that's my game plan and uh i'll wait till the build starts going and this one i'll actually show you pictures of when i get this thing done it's it's it's gonna be a mean mean looking fucking car unfortunately i have weird taste in cars i like to think it's original you know

every fucking jerk off baby boomer out there wants a shelby right they want a gto they want the fucking whatever what is it that 67 corvette tripower thing or the split window when everybody wants the same fucking five cars and meanwhile you got all these other badass fucking cars that are just sitting there um wisconsin wins was that the big 10 champion championship yeah they got the hats on and everything unless that's like an afc championship hat i don't think it is no big 10 champion congratulations congratulations to the university of wisconsin for winning the big 10 the 2014 2015 big 10 basketball championship at the ncaa division one level and congratulations to stand up comedian an excellent fella all around fella nate craig

who's from the great state of wisconsin who actually has has me now him and jeff cesario actually are two comedians that i know that are big wisconsin badger fans so uh they actually got me into uh wisconsin plus the last time i toured through wisconsin uh nate worked with me and uh he knew all the spots all the spots to go and eat um all that fucking dairy and shit out there um had a great goddamn time all right so let's get let's get to some of the uh let's get to some of the fucking advertising bullshit here come on man this is one of the problems when you try to do a podcast and you still have the iphone for us what do you want from me i like old shit for the love of god for the love of fucking god

could you load could you load just one fucking time hey why do they block your internet at the airport why do they do that do they think i want to tweet that bad that i'm going to sign up for the 20 minutes i'm sitting at the fucking gate please tell me that's failing please tell me that you as a person you know draw the line there and you categorically fucking refuse to pay for internet at the fucking at the fucking uh what do you call it the airport right all right what am i doing here lucy's kitchen what the fuck is that oh that was i was trying to figure out how long to cook the raviolis for all right let's see if i can get get to my goddamn emails for the week here come on one time one time let's see it work let's see it work and they are not here all right

ah jesus christ you know what i feel like right now i feel like i'm doing like a telethon and there's nobody watching and i desperately need like collars to be calling in so i can actually fucking fill up this this this space here anyways what's coming up march madness is coming up everybody the madness of march who do you like are you filling in your brackets why can't you just sit down and watch it you know you know i'm really getting sick of people that don't actually play the fucking game getting this level of involved like you play like be like a fantasy gm you know what i mean like dude you should see my bracket i picked all these fucking you know what i want to see i want to see you hit a fucking layup i want to see you go out there and take a jump you know

not even i want to see hello stupid ass fucking headphones keep cutting out on me you know what i want to see you do i want to see you just run down the fucking hall just remotely in an athletic way if you can do that then i will take a look at your bracket there really should be that you know what i mean like when there's a sports bar before you enter the sports bar they should throw you a fucking you should you get to pick your sport football basketball baseball or hockey you get to pick your sport and you get three three tries to hit the ball fucking throw a tight spiral go top shelf with the puck or a fucking hit a free throw you get three fucking tries if you can't do it that's it you're not going in the bar that's it then you gotta do 20 push-ups if you

can't do that you're not allowed it you know that's a great fucking idea rather than do what you usually do when you open a place is you let every fucking animal on the planet come into the fucking place what if you actually had a sports bar and they ran it like you know those dance clubs where the with the with the ladies get all fucking dolled up and try to go around the line you know and they let them all in and there's a guy you stand there like a jerk off that studio 54 shit like if you have the right outfit on you get to go in what if they actually did that at a sports bar i think that would actually if you actually had great food and great booze but you did that on the outside like all right dude here's the deal you know if you

never been here before we got too many ath unathletic douchebags coming into this fucking facility all right we want people that are not only sports fans but can actually play the fucking game all right no fucking poses in here so pick your poison what do you want you want a puck you want a basketball you want a football what do you want to try to hit a fucking slider right and they literally throw you a slider with a slider there you go no look at me i'm coming up with amazing ideas that would not work because what would end up happening is some fat fucking blogger would go down there with black flame glasses and the second they found out that they couldn't go into this place that they didn't really want to go into to

begin with they would blog about it and then they would be on tv going what does this say what does it say about society what does it say about its people are you allowed to do that they do that at um at those dance clubs if you're not good looking enough if you're not a hottie they don't let you in you know that never offended me that never offended me i looked at that the same fucking way i looked at some classes that i was taking just certain classes when you were going through your educational system right the educational system i should say you just knew walking in you're like this isn't me this isn't the right fit i'm not going to get a good grade in this and you just you just fucking accepted it nah you know i'm not good at math you know i don't like english history

bores me and you just fucking moved on why can't people do that at clubs listen we're sorry you're not good looking enough buddy buddy you've got too many chins what do you want me to do you know get on the fucking treadmill if you're going to be that fat you got to show up at least with three fucking hot women and even then you know we got to kind of stick you in the corner and make you look like a bouncer all right we're trying to make money here this is how this works right i have no sympathy for people when they're fucking when it has to do with weight and they say you're too heavy and then people get mad it's like you know what if you actually listen to them you'd lose weight and you'd actually be doing yourself a solid these people in a roundabout way

are actually helping you to not have a fucking heart attack have you ever looked at it that way you're selfish fat cunt um all right here we go let's let's uh let's read some questions here for the week um oh you know what wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute i gotta read uh let me let me get the advertising out of the way i'm not gonna drop it in where i said i was gonna drop it and fuck that let me just blow through this jesus stumbled through those this week huh all right let's get to the content here before we wrap this fucker up um all right by the way if you also if you want to um send an email to the podcast the email is bill at the mmpodcast.com and if you'd like to follow me on twitter the monday morning podcast it's at the mmpodcast that's the

our twitter handle and uh if you'd like to support this podcast anytime you go to amazon.com just go to billburr.com first go to the merch page click on the amazon link it'll take you right there i just get credit for driving traffic there it doesn't cost you any more money um i would really appreciate it we here who never lie all right heat spell um hey billy sweet stack i don't know what that means um no billy sweat stack sweat stack stack of what sweat stack of sweaty money i don't know what the fuck that means my balls on top of each other my lane sideways on a couch it's only sweat stack i can think of um saw an LA time articles about how california has a year of water left if there wasn't a crazy breakdown of society rather just a gradual exodus of california

where would you go and how long would you wait it out um where would i go i i go to alabama i go to alabama man houses are cheap you gotta deal with hurricanes but uh i go to alabama and i would either pick the crimson tide or i pick auburn and i would just get involved in that and then i would just be a comedian from there or you know if the oceans are truly rising i guess i would move to uh i don't know maybe tennessee i like the south i'd move to like western tennessee somewhere between nashville and uh memphis i would live there get myself a spread drive my old truck and uh i don't know fly out to my gigs i'd probably do that um i don't think california only has a year of water left i think it's gonna rain between now and then but we'll see who knows

i don't know what are you gonna do i mean i'm in this business i have to be in california i have to live on a fault line and uh i don't give a shit where you live we're gonna be affected by global warming and the end is gonna come uh there's too many fucking people we're too goddamn selfish and it is our destiny to destroy ourselves now having said that go out there and have a good time while it lasts that's how i look at it isn't that uplifting well great all right weight loss um billy billy boy all right i've been dying to email you for months but i figured i'd wait okay that doesn't make any sense okay i lost weight my man and i got a girlfriend out of it oh and i got a girlfriend out of it i got a promotion due to the extra confidence the the

very first podcast episode when you started fat shaming i was all in i started waking up early and running there you go man there you go then about a week into running i was listening to the podcast during a run and you mentioned cleo i started thinking if i'm going to be up early i might as well get that dog i always wanted there you go and that's a chick magnet right there i started looking for a black lab but ended up with a pit i named a mobi he's white with brown spots oh jesus i fucking love those dogs very rare i've been told anyways it looks like me if i worked out and i was a pit bull right he's got freckles there anyways i'm down to i'm down 82 and a half pounds as of this morning since october uh the first 20 fell off then it was just 10 a month

come back to chicago loved hearing you on the bar stool rundown thanks for the honesty there you go buddy there you go well you know what i let myself go a little bit here so uh i'm trying to do the same fucking thing it's kind of hard when you travel so i just make sure i eat right like um i just walked over this whole strip mall area and they got all you know they got an arby's i never eat an arby's some about fast food roast beef always that's too adventurous for me which is hilarious because i'll eat a mcdonald's and god knows what the fuck that is you know i don't know what it was my whole life but i remember like 40 years into me eating mcdonald's all of a sudden they had this advertising campaign now a hundred percent real beef and it's like well

what the fuck was it before right it's a little unsettling um that's awesome man and uh i fat shame people too in in a silly way to try to get you to fucking lose weight but you really have to do you have to fat shame yourself if at some point you're not disgusted with yourself like this hoping being disgusted with yourself because you know you're better than that all right what are you doing right now you're sitting down look down at your stomach come on man you're better than that right you know you are you're better than that just give us summer times coming up get a jump on it march you went in like a fat lamb go out like a lion i saw this check the other day on ellen doing these pull-ups right and she said don't worry about uh losing weight just worry about

getting strong first and that's kind of like i was like you know what i like that philosophy go to the gym get stronger then all the other shit will hopefully fall into place that's great man good for you 82 and a half and you fucking pounds and you need that's six months that's right through the holidays too dude that's fucking hardcore and when you only started dropping 10 instead of 20 you didn't quit like a pussy you kept going so good for you man i'm psyched uh your social life picked up too see that he did it so can you drop some weight get a dog and start walking around smiling at people and your your life will change all right tux bill my girlfriend soon to be wife i hate the word fiance yeah i hate that word too it's way too fancy for what's going on

it's my fiend on thing oh really welcome to applebees um and i work my my my soon to be wife and i were talking and she said i would i should own a tuxedo because i'll always need one and it's better to have my own that fits instead of getting ripped off with rentals every time what are you a fucking senator do you own your own business where you're constantly entertaining people uh he said i told her it was unnecessary we both have great jobs but not enough to buy a tux without thinking of reasons why i shouldn't also styles change i told her and it'd be outdated do you want do you own a tux neah sounds like she knows a thing or two about style she definitely

does has she ever suggested this to you thanks and come back to chicago um no no she hasn't i mean what am i fucking james bond who needs who needs to own a tuxedo like the little you know people who own tuxedos like are doing something really dishonest and they're constantly have throwing these big fucking parties because they know they're going to jail soon so they're trying to bang as much hot ass as they can they're trying to get to know as many politicians and cops as they can and judges to try to keep their ass out of the slammer other than that no dude buying a tuxedo is about as dumb as buying a boat you don't buy a boat you want a friend who has a boat okay you don't need a tuxedo you fucking rent one you rent one and then

you fucking give it back it's over nobody gives a fuck you know what i mean i think anyways i'm trying to think why you would own a fucking tuxedo and you know i never even thought i never even thought for one second that that that the style would change i'm trying to think the amount of times i've even worn a tuxedo i wore one at my senior prom i think i wore one at a wedding where it was a black tie event um i maybe i sat on the dais at a roast back at the fryer's club and i had to wear one i think maybe three times three times in my life i'm gonna be 47 in june three times in my life have i ever worn a tuxedo um look if you were fucking renting one every month and it cost you a hundred bucks then i get yeah i guess it's a no-brainer you'd want to go out and buy one

but what else is great you know as you get older your weight fluctuates you go up you go down you go up you go down it's a fucking pain in the ass you're gonna buy one in your 20s i mean it's kind of a great way to stay in shape that could be your fucking your barometer can i still fit into my tuxedo shit god damn it honey stop making banana bread um all right sharks versus helicopters dear billy red tits all right that's just mean um they're alabaster um i i guess certain fears are for certain people i surf and block out the fear of sharks while you fly over sharks and surfers in a helicopter blocking out the fear of flying the helicopter that's why i am in the water and you are flying the helicopter to me the helicopter would be scary as shit love you um it's scarier

than fucking being eaten alive by a fucking monster fish let me ask you this if you had to choose between flying in a helicopter it loses power and within fucking 10 seconds you're like or being in the water having a shark come up to you take a chunk out of your leg to see what you are and see if you're edible and as you're bleeding out the fucking thing comes back and finishes you off i don't know man i'd rather get it all done at once you know what i mean you you'd rather have the window shopping slow death i'd like to have it done nice and uh nice and quick not to mention um you know they train you in a helicopter what to do if there's a problem and you have an unbelievable amount of fucking control provided you react properly like when the low rpm horn goes on

you slam the collective down and you immediately start to auto rotate you have an unbelievable amount of control um in a helicopter whereas with surfing i mean i don't know what are you supposed to you what are you supposed to punch the shark in the nose and shit i don't know i'll take my but dude i totally respect what you're doing surfing looks fun as shit and it has to be fun as shit the fact that you would do it in what in shark infested waters which as far as i'm concerned is every is the entire ocean because that's where all the sharks are they're in the ocean but they're not in this part really that's interesting uh citizen four uh bill have you seen the documentary on edward snowden no i haven't but i feel really bad that i haven't

kept up on that because i feel like he did me a solid where he was making this this designing this whatever the fuck the computer word is for to spy on me and everybody else and he actually had the spine to say i'm not going to help you guys do this or i think he did was really patriotic and nobody had his back anyways he said it's really amazing i tried to avoid it because i don't want my blood pressure to spike getting mad about the nsa uh nsa's practice practices but it was great you can see how calm and thoughtful snowden is he handled everything as well as he could um citizen four is what it's called well i will definitely watch that um as soon as i can um you guys should all go see that

watch it download it watch that so that's your homework for the week watch citizen four try to check out zombeavers if you can and uh i actually watched an unbelievable movie last night um that starred sam rockwell who really is one of the best actors of all fucking time he's fucking unreal uh it's called moon check it out man really fucking freaked me out that movie um all right well that's it people right in an hour i apologize it's not a little bit longer but um i'll be doing another thursday monday morning podcast whatever the fuck you want to call it again this week so uh i'll give you some added comedy and some classic clips from the old podcast and uh once again thanks everybody for listening check out zombeavers

check out citizen four check out sam rockwell in moon um you you you you