Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-15

Episode Date: March 20, 2015

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. Just checking in. Just checking in on you for a quick little half hour on a Thursday. How you been, everybody? How you been, huh? How you been? How was your Tuesday and Wednesday?

Was it everything you thought it was going to be, huh? You feeling good today? Have they given you your little checkie-poo yet? When do they give it to you, huh? When you walk through the door, they make you get fucking sit down, work a little bit, get through the morning break, and then sometime around lunchtime, it comes your boss, that fucking jerk off, right? Coming down the fucking hall with his beer gut, slacks you can make out his giant package,

you know? Always those big fucking bucktooth glass people, always had some big fucking unit, just swaying back and forth inside their slacks. You tried not to look at it, but every time they sat down, you're just like, Jesus Christ, this guy's a fucking animal. Why do I work for this guy? You know what I mean? He used to work for a guy like that.

He had glasses, and he had these fucking slacks, like MC Hammerpants, and he had to have them because he had this giant fucking unit that everybody knew he had a giant, and the guy couldn't hide it. He just had this fucking, you know, I don't know why I'm thinking of Mars Moon Unit. I don't know what I'm thinking of. Anyways, this is the Thursday, Monday morning podcast where, you know, I just pop in, see how your week's going, in case you're having a bad one, I give you a couple of chuckles for 30 minutes, and then at the end of this, we got some of the highlights over the year,

some Monday morning podcast selects that we pull out. I don't know what we're going to have this week. I have no idea. But anyways, what's been going on with me the last couple of days? This is getting weird, guys. If you're going to listen to two of these a week, like, it's really getting to the point that, you know, you've got to start paying rent here. I'm letting you into my house twice a fucking week.

Oh, my wife was fucking pissed at me last night. Oh, Jesus Christ was she mad. I've been really tired lately, and when I'm really tired or if I'm drunk, I fucking snore. It's the only time I snore, and I had a couple of whiskeys, and I was really tired. And I told the last time I snored, I go, just wake me up, I'll fucking go upstairs, and I'll sleep on the couch. I'll sleep in the bedroom upstairs, right? And she's like, she's like, okay.

So I'm fucking snoozing, all of a sudden she fucking hits me. She goes, Bill, go upstairs, you're snoring. So I'm laying there going like, oh yeah. This is bad. This is not fair to my wife. I'm going to get up, I'm getting up, I'm getting up in like a minute. Let me just lay here. I'm just laying there, and I'm awake, but my eyes are closed, and I don't know what happened.

All of a sudden, I just started, boom, boom, boom, boom, and I look up, and I saw my wife walking out of the room, and she went upstairs, and so you know the deal. You're like, all right, well, I guess tomorrow morning it's going to suck, right? You know, here we go, she's fucking mad, you know, they're always mad, they're always mad about something, something's going to happen, it doesn't make a difference. So she was actually surprisingly not mad at me, but what I was smart enough to do was I woke up in the morning by door by door, and I walked out the door, and I went to the gym and got on a treadmill.

I fucking, yeah, I just left in the morning, and I got a bunch of shit done, you know, picked up dry cleaning and did all this fucking shit, and then I also said I went to the grocery store as to what she wanted, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and miraculously, we kind of smoothed over it. She's still a little pissed at me, but not in a big way, but I'm back, oh, Billy Freckles is back in the gym, hey, oh, Billy's back again, again, again, again, again, wha-ba-do, pa-pa-pe-pe, pa-da-pa-da-po, wha-da-do, um, old people understood that joke, old people watched that fucking cartoon, remember that?

Oh, Billy's back again, again, again, again, again, and then the dude would just start whistling. I got no fucking, I got no water in my mouth, man, I'm fucking dehydrated from being on the treadmill. Of course, you go to the gym, you walk in the men's locker room, what are you going to see? You're going to see the naked guy, you know? Here's the thing, you got to expect if you go into a men's locker room, somebody's going to be naked, all right?

It's not that you're naked, it's the level of comfortable that you're naked, right? I went in there, I'm changing, I'm going to fucking leave, and as I go to leave, I look over at, you know, just walking over to the sink to wash my fucking hands, and there's this guy standing there. He's got the towel cover in the front of him, he's sort of holding it, but he's just standing there with this fucking ass out, like the level of comfortable that he was. He was like, uh, hey honey, just to remind you, I got that meeting today at six, so I'm going to be home a little late.

Like he was that level comfortable naked, that's what he should have been yelling out, just fucking standing there. Why does it bug me? I don't know why it does, you know what I mean? I'm usually fucking cool about stuff like this, like I'm only as people, I walk into a men's room, you know, and it smells like shit, it's like, yeah, it's supposed to, people's shit in here, better they did it in here than in the restaurant, I've never understood that. To somebody walking in a men's locker, it's just like, can you just make a fucking effort?

I don't know, is that weird that guys are so uncomfortable with other naked, you know, around other naked guys? Women don't give a shit, right? They sit around talking about each other's tits, I mean maybe we should do that. Hey look at your balls. Oh Jesus, he's only six minutes in, he's talking about balls in a locker room. Balls in a locker room, the new fucking stand up DVD by Bill Burr. So I hit the gym all fucking week for the most part, and I ate just about perfectly.

I did all these hours of cardio, but two fucking days in a row, when I went to Atlanta for my last time ever working at the punchline, and when I went to the next day, I did one day at South by Southwest to hype the All Things Comedy Network with Al Madrigal, did a little panel thing with him, and Doug Benson, which was a fucking great time, Doug Benson is hilarious. I'm gonna tell you something right now, if you're thinking about not seeing Fast and Furious part seven, just listen to Doug Love's movies, or ask him about it. He had me laughing so hard talking about that movie.

Like he knows what the movie, that's what I love about him, he knows what the movie is, and he goes in with those expectations. You know what I mean? You know what he said to me? He said, like, there's like five times in the movie where somebody looks over at somebody and goes, hang on, and then the car drives off a cliff and nobody dies, and he was just laughing, but he thoroughly enjoyed it, and I was just like, you know what, I might go see that movie.

I'm gonna get in a stupid mood. I'm gonna go see that Fast and Furious part seven, driving from building to building. Hang on. You know, Fast and Furious really ought to be able to, they should really kick the creators of chips some money every time they make one of those movies, because whenever I see the fucking pile-ups in that movie, I mean that goes back to chips. They did that every fucking week. Every fucking week there was like a 200 car pile-up back in the day when you could wreck

all those cars, and that was your job. What do you do? I'm a stuntman. I go out and I wreck them. I work on chips. I work on the fall guy, and I work on Simon and Simon, and every week, if I'm not slamming, jumping or rolling it over, I ain't livin'. Why is he Southern?

Why can't a stuntman be intelligent, Bill? Why is the Southern accent synonymous with stupid? Why would you do that a month before you're on the road again? I don't know why I would do that. All I know is I got my tickets to the Kentucky Derby coming up. Oh, Jesus. We're gonna have such a fucking great time on that tour, and I'm actually worried that I'm gonna, every fucking, all the good shit I'm doing in the gym right now, I'm gonna

lose those two weeks on the fucking bus. I gotta figure it out. I'm already mentally in my head. It's like I'm startin' the day with great nuts and a banana, right? This is one for all you fatties out there. You gotta have a fucking game plan. You don't just show up on a bus. The next thing you know, you're gonna be sittin' there with a bunch of yodels and those fucking,

those pink marshmallow things you fucking guys eat. What are you, you're killing yourself. Fucking killing yourself. You know what I mean? You just standin' there out of breath. You sound like you just ran a 40-yard dash. You can't do that to yourself, all right? So I'm goin' great nuts with bananas, and then, I dunno, I'll have a sandwich for lunch

somewhere in there, throwin' an orange and an apple, and then I figure at night, that's when I'm gonna go to whatever local place that somebody from down south suggests. Jesus Christ, look at those fucking cheerleaders with their thick thighs. Fucking Texas Southern, there you go. The talent is off the court there. They're fuckin' down by 25. Dude, Arizona, I don't know that number five is on Arizona, but he's like Ben Wallace meets fuckin' LeBron James.

He had a dunk in the first half. I'm surprised my flat screen didn't fall off the fuckin' wall. Don't you hate the first round of March Madness? Number one, I'm watchin' number two against 15. They're fuckin' up by like, I can't do the math. What have we got here? 26, 27 points. 15 minutes to fuckin' go, you know?

I'll tell you right now, number 16's never beat a one, but you know, it's bound to happen sometime. I can't fuckin' take that call. But what's great about the first two rounds, it's just fuckin', you know, fuckin' right there, Fred. Go from 64 all the way down to what, 60? Fuckin' white guy, how do you miss that dunk, you goddamn asshole? Jesus, don't you know we're all being judged by that, you fuckin' unbelievable.

Two-handed fuckin' dunk, the guy's like 6 fuckin' 11. Ah, I mean, he got fouled, but how do you miss a two-handed fuckin' dunk? Look at that guy, fuckin' Eastern Europeans. Ah, there you go, clank it off the back of the rim. And why are you givin' the guy, I hate that in basketball. And the guy misses the fuckin' foul shots, and they still go over, and they fuckin' slap him five. You know what I mean?

Like when you watch the family feud in some moron, name a, a, a, a, a color of a car. Ah, Jesus. Ah, mahogany. And then the whole family's like, that's a stripe, but they'll go, ah, good answer, good answer. Fuck, didn't you say brown, you asshole? I'm coming for mahogany. Wilson family with a chance to steal.

We're gonna say blue, Richard. Stop kissin' my wife. Oh my God, I got it. You think I didn't fuckin' hear it? If I didn't answer it fuckin' three seconds later, it's gonna go, and then I'm gonna pick it up. I swear to God, I gotta go back to a flip phone. I gotta, you know what, I'm gonna walkie-talkie. I'm gonna go super old school.

You're a fuckin' hipster. You know, eastbound down, loaded up and truckin'. Any truckers listenin' this week? Huh, you got your ears on, big daddy? Huh, you sittin' on an inner tube cause you got fuckin'... What do you got, hemorrhoids? How the fuck do you guys... How do you guys lose weight?

You know, driving that truck, that's gotta be a bitch. What do you do, huh? Chasin' some hishi in a fuckin' rest area? He's got a dick! Oh shit, that'd be a tough one, man. That's what you do, you gotta sit there eatin' brussel sprouts all day long. Drivin' that truck. Let me ask the truckers a question.

How, how... Your fantasy has to be. You know, like when people in cars just cut in front of you. You know, and then slam on the brakes with no respect for the amount of weight you have in the back of your truck and how you have a fuckin' heart attack. Tryin' to not have the thing jackknife. You ever just think, you know, one of these days I'm just not gonna fuckin' put my foot on the brake. And I'm just gonna fuckin' plow.

I'm gonna drive right up and over like one of them monsters. He must have another fuckin' dunk! Why is he out in the court? And he got the ball stolen from him. Can we get this guy off the court? I know they're up by 30, but Jesus Christ, he's making us look bad. Why are you fuckin' goin' to the rack?

You're fuckin' white. Do some Larry Bird shit. Just shoot the eyes out of the fuckin' hoop. Stop tryin' to... He goes his foul shot. Oh, Jesus, he hit one. I'm sorry. I'm reverse racist when it comes to fuckin' watchin' basketball.

I get, like, annoyed when my team puts a white guy out there. It's just like, okay, we're down by eight. What do you want to be, be down by 16? Is that what we're trying to do here? What'd you guys bet? Did you bet the over? Huh? Did you bet the other fuckin' team?

What are we doing here? Um, I don't know shit about hoop. Alright, so all you fuckin' people are gonna get pissed at me. Let me tell you about fuckin' Jimmer. Jimmer's something or other at BYU. That Jimmer could fuckin' play, man. I'll tell you right now, he used to go out there and all the frustration he got from not gettin' his dick sucked out there in Utah.

He fuckin' just focused that shit on takin' jumpers on the side of a barn. Hey, did anybody watch, uh, I Hate Christian Latiner? I'm so pissed I missed that guy's whole career because that was right about when I was starting, um, I was startin' to be a comedian. Well, I started in 92. Did he go 88 to 92 or 89 to 93? I don't know what, but I was, uh,

failing miserably in college. I just, I completely missed that guy's career. And I have to tell you, that guy is one of the greatest villains I've ever seen in my life. The look on his face and the way he would, he would look at opposing fans and how he just completely didn't give a shit what people thought of him.

It was like watchin' a comedian going on stage and the crowd turns on him and they just stay with their fuckin' material. Um, it was one of the most enjoyable 30 for 30s I, uh, I watched and I thought that the people, uh, that hated him came off, I mean, it might have been the way that they edited it, but they just came off as kind of, uh,

I don't think they came off like they were the jerks. I mean, they interviewed two people, right? One guy wrote a book called Duke Sucks. You know? I mean, right there. It's like, well, obviously they don't. If they did suck, we could just look at the stats. You know, we could look at the standings, but the fact that you gotta write Duke Sucks,

that means obviously, I mean, you know that right away. They win it, right? Like how everybody hates Man United. I don't know shit about the Premier League. I obviously know that they got a lot of money and they've had a lot of success with the level of fuckin' hatred. The combination of that and then the combination of someone like myself who knows nothing about, uh,

soccer, football, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to call it, and I still know who Man United is. I know that they play in Liverpool, and what else do I know about them? They got blue and white uniforms, and they're falling to heaven, ginger's on their team, and I'm just trying to piss off as many English people.

Right, if fuckin' Manchester, shut the fuck up. All right, let me know when they pick the ball up. Um, I actually really enjoy it. I like the Premier League. If you go there, it's fuckin' great. I know those people singin' songs. Next thing you know, you're eatin' fish and chips and fuckin' slammin' beers, right?

They pack you in even tighter. Next thing you know, you fuckin' ear lobe to ear lobe with some fuckin' neo-Nazi, right? Isn't that the experience? Somebody starts choking you with your little colorful scarf. I have no fuckin' idea what I'm talkin' about. Um, anyways, am I out of shit to talk about? How about those fuckin' Bruins, man?

God damn it, they were playin' great, and then the game we really needed to win. We needed to beat the fuckin' capitals, and what happens? We fuckin' lose to it or nothin'. But, um, I don't know. I like the way that they're playin'. And even though this year, obviously, I don't think we're gonna win anything,

but I do see a solid team being built for the future around some young guys. Um, Posternack and fuckin' Spooner, and that other guy that begins with an S and somebody else, I don't know, I've been fuckin' busy. Um, anyways, so listen, the movie I have, Zombeaver, that's right, a movie about beavers that turn into zombies. Okay? There's hot women in it, people get killed,

and all freckles makes an appearance in the beginning with someone who's way more known than I am. Right there, you gotta go see the fuckin' movie. You gotta support this movie. You have to. You don't have to, but I would appreciate if you did. It's been out for, like, two days. It'd be nice to see if it could compete with Transformers. Wouldn't you think?

Um, anyways, I got a crazy week comin' up. Uh, I'm in town, and then I go to New York next week, and I'm doin' a couple of benefits. Um, one at Madison Square Garden, and then, like, the other one I'm doing, um, at the Theater at Madison Square Garden, not where the Nixon Rangers play. Uh, and then I'm doin' another benefit for, actually,

Paul Verzi's, unfortunately, Paul Verzi's brother-in-law passed away, uh, a while ago, about a year and a half ago, and, um, so they're havin' a benefit for him at Levity Live. Levity Live. I never deliberately levity-lived. Um, that's goin' down a week from today, Thursday.

Um, it's a great cause, you know. I don't know, I don't know what to say. It's a fuckin' really sad story or whatever, so I'm out there, I'm doin' that, doin' a couple of benefits, you know? I'm tryin' to fuckin' balance out my karma here by doin' some fuckin' good things with all the selfish shit I've done in my life. Um, did anybody watch the end of the Jinx?

Anybody at all. Jesus Christ. Well, that wasn't good. Nah, they got you caught now. He's talkin' to himself in the bathroom, doesn't realize he's mic'd up. What happened? What do you think happened? I killed him.

Jesus fuckin' Christ. Jesus Christ. That was fuckin' on one of the most amazing documentary series. Even if you know what the fuck happened, you gotta see the fuckin' thing. Hey, it's Bob calling. Um, I'd like to sit down and talk some more.

Well, you know, California is a big state. I don't know, those are block letters, I mean. I guess when you look at them, Beverly is spelled the wrong way both times. I wrote that one, I did not write the other one. I'm drivin' my wife crazy. Imitate, you know, Imitate. I'm drivin' you guys fuckin' nuts.

Um, there's a new documentary that guitar, guitar center made on Slash. That is, uh, I don't know, it's like an hour and a half long. I saw the first half of it, and it's just fuckin' awesome. And, um, Alice Cooper says the funniest shit. He was, you know, just talking about the changes in music, and he was talking about grunge music, and he was talking about at the peak of grunge music.

He goes, there was a time when I wanted to go to Seattle and round up all of the bands, put them on a bus, and take them to Disneyland. And he wasn't being a dick. He's saying it from like a place of concern. Because everything was so fuckin' miserable, all the music. You know, everybody, it just was such a turn in the music. You went from people dressing up like women going,

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, to like fuckin' everybody like, ree-e-e-ee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e. I hate myself. Um, oh, he-e-e-ee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e. What the fuck does it take? Who started that style of singing? Was it Lane Stanley? Stanley? There.

Right here. You know, just, I don't know. It's like you're singing in the back of your throat and on either side of your tongue. Um, I don't know. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I think that the lead singer, Alison Chains, that one of the most original ways of singing.

Him, Perry Farrell, from that era. Him, Perry Farrell, and Axl Rose. He had the most unique phrasing when it came to white guys singing there. Were there any black singers in that era that I could think of? Or was it, you know, were they all rapic? My world was very different. I was in a suburb back then. Buried in my whiteness.

Let's see, what black artists did I know back then? C&C Music Factory? Factory, right? You know, I'm thinking of that song because I'm going to the gym and they just play the worst fucking music at the gym. I don't know what it is. I was fucked yesterday. Yesterday.

Couple days after. Say! I fucking go to the gym and I'm changing, right? And in the time I'm changing, like I took my headphones off. I'd gotten off the fucking cunty-ass elliptical, right? Elliptical. That's a new, improved one. I got off the elliptical and I took my headphones off when I got into the locker room.

And I heard the end of Grease is the Word. And then the next song they went into was Banana Ramma, I Heard a Rumor. I don't know what it is. Like they can't, they always have to be like 25 to 30 years behind and it has to be the most poppy fucking horseshit. I'm trying to think if I've ever been at a gym that plays good music. The only time I ever heard worse music was I did a cruise ship gig. I did it one time. He had to, we needed the money.

Oh! And you know, they had me staying at the bottom of the ship. I parked down on the ship like I walked by cargo and then the window to my room was round. You know what I mean? And they fucking, that was the only time. I just remember really bad music, really fat people and jello with whipped cream and like these nuts on top of it, which was fucking gross. And I just hated the fact, I just hated the fact that I couldn't eat when I wanted to. You know what I mean?

The one that I was on, I was on some shit fucking cruise. I think that was called, I was on shit liner and we went to Cozumel somewhere in Florida and New Orleans. And I remember I worked with a juggler, a juggler opened up for me and I remember complaining that his joints ached from all the years of juggling. And he was buying all this real estate in Florida. And I just remember thinking like, I could not be any further away from show business than sitting here talking to this juggler about real estate in Florida on a fucking boat in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. This is back when you, no cell phone service, this was like 12 years ago. No cell phone service, no internet connection, no nothing. I'm just on this fucking thing and they lied to me.

They told me that it was going to be, oh, this is the cool one. This is one that the young kids going because I said, I said, dude, I don't think my acts going to work well on the fucking cruise ship. And lo and behold, I show up. I think I told this story before I show up. And the first thing I see is this Vietnamese woman. I think she was Vietnamese because she had that hat on that whenever you watch a movie about platoon of Vietnam, you know, those hats that they wear when they're out there in the fields and shit. She had one of those on. She was, she looked like she was like 110 and she was already asleep.

Like the cruise was starting and she's already asleep, like not excited whatsoever. Like this woman is clearly dying and she's her mouth is open and, you know, she was missing all the teeth, like from from six to 11. Numbers the canine and you're right. Number six, that's number six, seven, eight, nine down front, 10, and then with the other canine, that's 11. You ever want to know how dentist number their teeth? It starts on your upper right jaw, the wisdom tooth. That's number one. That's the first round draft pick.

All right. And you got two, three. Those are your other molars that you're going to keep unless you're a fucking caveman. You got two sets of fucking wisdom teeth. I don't, I don't know how to number those. So that's three, four. Then you got those other two ones. I forget what those are called.

Right. All right. One, two, three, four, five. And then you have the canine is six, seven, eight, nine and down front. Right. VIP seating, 10 and then 11. You can do the rest. And then the weird thing is, is when you go down below, you don't start back on the right side of the.

On the right side of the jaw, you go straight down. So you count from the upper right wisdom tooth all the way over to the upper left wisdom tooth. And then you drop straight down, lower collective settling with power down to what is it? That would be 33, I guess, right? Not 33. You got 32 fucking teeth. 33. I can't fucking remember.

It was a long time ago. Composite and all that shit, pouring up models. I've had, I've lived a lot of lives. I could have say, I could assist on a fucking dental procedure. I still know how to take x-rays. I could pour up a fucking model. You know, sold newspaper subscriptions. I had a paper route.

I unloaded trucks. I can drive a forklift. But I'll tell you all those things I've done. Sorry. Anyways. All right. We're winding down here. So here's your little half hour.

Isn't this nice? You got a fucking paycheck? What are you going to do with that money, by the way? Huh? You dumb fuck. Are you going to blow it? Are you going to use it to get yourself an even more debt? Or are you going to use it to free yourself?

That's the one thing you got to learn. You have to learn about money. Okay? There's a bunch of people bitching about rich people. And who's kidding who? They're cunts. They got their foot on your throat, the back of your neck, whatever you want to fucking say. But that doesn't mean it's got to stay there.

You can wiggle out. You can wiggle out and they'll let you go because it's like... I don't know. It's like just imagine grabbing a whole pile of gold in the center of a table and as you're pulling it towards you, some of them fall off. You don't give a fuck as long as you get the lion's share. So those are like people that they want to just keep underneath them. So if a few fall off, they don't give a fuck.

So your goal in life, if you're poor or middle class, is to be one of those coins that rolls off the fucking table to freedom. And how you got to do that is you got to make your money work for yourself. All right? That's what you have to do. All these fucking jerk-offs going out, leasing BMWs and buying stupid sunglasses and that type of shit and they don't got a pot to piss in. Morons.

I guess I understand it on some level. You're trying to attract a better-looking woman, right? Because what kind of woman who's even remotely good-looking is going to settle for some broke asshole? Why would you? You know? They have dreams, too. They have dreams of spending your money!

Um... But, uh... Oh, look at that car. Jesus Christ. I fucking love cars, man. The old school ones. I'm still searching for the one that I know the model that I'm getting. I'm not going to tell you what year, but you know I'm a Ford guy.

And I also like sedans. I'm going for a mid-60 Ford sedan that's going to look like the year of it on top and underneath is going to be fucking 2015, right down to the chassis. Um... It's going to be a five-speed and the biggest fucking engine I can stick under that fucking hood. And that's going to be, uh... That's going to be my car. I'll have my old truck.

I'll have my car. And what the fuck else do you need, right? All these fucking morons going out and buying. I don't know. What are you doing, huh? With your selfie stick? Your dumb cunt. Oh, God.

You know what I'm saying? Fucking kills me that I didn't come up with the selfie stick. That was just right there, waiting to be invented. Waiting to be invented, right? And then you take it to those shark tank fucking cunts and they're like, Ah, that's a great idea. Tell you what, we're going to own it. And I will take the patent and then the money will go to us and I will tell you what we made.

That's how business works. It's legalized stealing. That's why you got to get out from underneath it. So, if you are, if you are in debt, you got to get yourself out of it. You know what I mean? Just fucking baby step your fucking way out of it. And then the great thing, then you start saving up money and then you have freedom. You know?

God forbid if you lose your fucking job, you know, you got some fucking money or whatever. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying. I don't even know how to intelligently say what I'm saying and I'm actually right. How fucking pathetic is that? All right. Well, there's your little half hour of fucking riffing, you know, just to brighten your day. Add a little more sunshine to your payday, right?

Do me a favor. Don't blow all of it. All right. Take some of that money and knock down the principal on something. Pay a little extra on your car. Do something. All right. Do something to get yourself out of that fucking, that prison, man.

You can't fucking do that to yourself. All right. You only got one life. You should be living it in a happy way where there's not some fucking asshole with his foot in the back of your fucking neck, which is how the whole thing is set up. All right. So there you go. I don't know if that was motivational.

I don't know what. Oh yeah. So I party two days this fucking week. So I only ended up after all the fucking work I did, all I did, I lost one goddamn pound. I'm a hundred seventy nine. I told you I may be down to one sixty two by my birthday in June. I have to somehow do that and somehow do that when going to the gym fucking five out of seven days only makes you lose one pound because you fucking drank like an asshole on two.

I can't fucking believe it. You know what it was? I got a burrito and I shouldn't have got the quesadilla, but I was drunk and I got that too. And I'm just shoveling it in my fucking pie hole. Just guy, you know, I'm just going to be bad today. I'll just be bad only today. I know it doesn't work that way.

I swear to God, my stomach. You know what I look like? I look like I could do that shot to me more did to me. Maybe she did that shot when she got pregnant. She covered a fucking titty and then was holding where the baby was instead of a baby. It's a fucking burrito and some Mila highlights. All right. That's the this is just me checking it.

That's all I'm just checking in on you. I don't know what this is. The Thursday, Monday morning podcast, the old Billy's back again, again, again, again podcast. I don't know what the fuck to call it. I don't give a shit. All right. Whatever.

That's what this is. And that's what this was. And that's it. All right. You enjoy your fucking weekend. All right. You go out there and you talk to some broads. You get them to buy you a drink.

You turn the fucking tables. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Monday. All right. I don't know why I just fucking ended the podcast. I ended the live part of it, not the live, the new part of it.

Now we're going to go into some classic clips from a bygone era in podcasting when I was only one of 43,000 comedians that had a podcast as opposed to now where there's 7,859,000 podcasts. All right. Enjoy these classic clips. And that is all. I'll talk to you on Monday. I'll tell you a fantastic fucking story last night.

All right. So I'm working the road with Joe DeRosa, young Joe DeRosa, the fucking teen idol from the Opian Anthony show, who is actually going to be on the cover of Teen Beat this month. And it's actually, I saw a little bit of the photo shoot. He's doing a tribute to Annette Fonticello and that other fucking guy. Was it Tony Curtis? Who the fuck she used to make those beach movies with? Oh, whatever.

Joe's going to be there. Sure. Let's hold in the surfboard and he's never looked sexier. So the fuck am I talking about? Christ, I don't even know anymore. Yeah. So we go out last night, right? We're doing the show.

It is these two big titted horse sitting in the front fucking row. All right. So we're like, oh, wow, look at these girls. These girls will probably be fun, right? And I'm in a relationship, but you know, I like being the wingman. You know, I love being the wingman. I love it. I love talking shit to girls.

I love hitting on girls. I fucking do it all the time. And then I try to pawn them off to whoever the fuck I am. And, you know, so I don't have any goddamn guilt, you know? So anyway, so long story short, we're talking to these broads and it's clear that there's some sort of strippers. I don't know what the fucking deal is. Okay.

So we meet everybody from whatever. I'm going to stop naming names here. Okay. So a huge group of us from the show, from the crowd and everything, we go and we head out to this bar, right? So one of the strippers is cool. The other one has a voice that could literally crack a flat screen TV. All right.

So the cool one shows up first. She sits down. I'm like, Hey, how are you doing? You know, I like at the end of the week, I hang out or buy around for some people, you know, I'm in a great mood. I had a good time. I'm on my way home, you know, I'll buy some people some drinks. So I say to her, Hey, what would you like to drink?

She's like, I'll have a fucking gag at Google. One of those fucking chick drinks. So, you know, so I get her a drink. I buy young Joe de Rosa fucking drink. Right. Everybody's having a good time. And then this other person shows up who I knew and she was a real nice person. I said, Hey, what do you want for a drink?

And she was like, I'll get a vodka Red Bull. Right. I got my $20 bill out and then the strippers like, Yeah, make it two. Right. And I was like, wait, what do you mean make it two? You haven't even finished your first drink. Don't be warden off my money. You finished your first one there, young lady.

All right. Stand the fuck down. You're not working right now. I'm not some dipshit getting a fucking lab dance. All right. Finish your fucking milk and cookies first. So needless to say the conversation cooled between the two of us. But I didn't give a fuck, man.

I was having a good time, but whatever it was still kind of, you know, whatever. We were talking shit. We were talking sports. The bartender was cool. You know, everything, everything was going great. So we're chilling out and all of a sudden this fucking, uh, the other fucking stripper girl shows up out and was so fucking, it was just such classic female shit. She's got a tits hanging out.

She's got the fuck me pumps on and she comes up. She goes, Hey, and she sees a friend with a drink and she knows goddamn well she didn't pay for it. So she looks over at me and was like, well, that must have been the sap who fucking bought it. Right. So she looks at me and she goes, Hey, Bill. She's like, she's like, what are you drinking?

Right. And I know what she's doing. I'm like, I'm drinking one of those Sam Adams October Fests and he's leaving like that. Nice and awkward. Right. Cause I know what she's trying to get a drink out of me. Right. So she doesn't know what to do.

She's like, uh, is it good? I'm like, why? Yes. Yes, it is. At this point, Derosa knows what's going on. I don't know that he knows what's going on. So she looks at me like, okay, well, evidently he's not buying any more drinks. And then she looks at Joe.

She's like, uh, Hey, Joe, what are you drinking? And Joe gets his shitty and grin on his face. He goes, why I'm drinking a Bud Light. Why would you like to buy me one? And she didn't know what the fuck to do. She's like, uh, I, yeah, I guess he goes, you know what? I think you should buy me a Bud Light and you should buy my good friend Bill Burr here. Another October Fests.

What do you think about that? And at that point I'm fucking dying laughing. The other stripper girl next to me, she's laughing her ass off cause she knows what happened. And then the fucking girl with the screechy voice is sitting there. She doesn't know what the fuck to do. We fucking nailed it. And then we, and then like she's going, she didn't know what to do and Joe's just going, why don't you pay it forward for all the drinks that guys have bought in you

and that you've drank and then immediately turned around and fucking walked away. Why don't you for once buy a goddamn, buy a couple of drinks for a couple of guys. And she's like, ah, in the sense you put it that way. Fine, I will. I will. I'll buy you a fucking drink. And Joe's like, how about some shots too? And she just was, I don't know what her fucking ego was.

She goes, fine, I'll fucking do that too. So we actually got a stripper to buy us two bears and two shots. So we're feeling like the kings of the world. And then all of a sudden we found out from this waitress that on the slide, she tried to put it on her boyfriend's fucking credit card. What a scumbag, right? So we bust her. And we all, we, and when this big commotion breaks out right before the fucking bartender's

about ready to swipe the boyfriend's credit card, we were like, don't you do it. I just like an officer and a gentleman. I got nowhere else to go, right? We get them to stop and they take out her ATM and she had to fucking pay for it. And it was a done deal. We had two drinks, two shots from that fucking person who knows never paid for a drink since she got her fucking tits, right? And this was the best part.

The second we got our drinks, we said thanks a lot and we both got up and we walked away. Oh, it's tremendous. It was the best night ever. And I'm just standing there drinking my drink like 20 minutes later. I'm milking it for all it's worth. This free fucking beer that a stripper bought me. It was awesome, right? And Joe's talking to some girl across the way.

And all of a sudden I just yelled over. I go, Joe! And he looks over at me and I did, I did the Robert De Niro line from when he was eating at Joe Pesci's mom right before they hacked up Billy Bats, right? He looks over and he's like, what's up? And I just pointed at the beer the stripper had bought and I just went delicious, delicious. And that was my evening. Yeah, it was fucking raining out.

This is one thing I've learned that when you go to a football game and you're dealing with the elements, this is the more of a douchebag you look like the warmer you're going to be. All right, I saw the rain and I said, fuck this. And we went right to Dick's Sporting Good and I'm like, I'm buying that fucking, I'm going to buy a raincoat with the matching raincoat slacks. I don't give a fuck. I bought a pair of wool socks and I was good to go. So I'm with Verzi and, you know, they only had like two raincoats left and they were

the exact same color, this fucking grape slush puppy purple. So we both have matching extra large fucking jackets and the pants like we're working at a fucking airport and we're bringing in the fucking soul plane, right? That was a purple airplane, right? That's what we look like. So we show up to the game, right? Neither one of us is comfortable because neither one of us is a Jets or a Bill's fan. I mean, territory and it's fucking drizzling out.

It's fucking cold. So I proceed to put on this Barney, the dinosaur outfit, right? And right off the bat, Verzi starts pumping out going, man, I'm just going to, I'm just going to wear the, I'm just going to wear the top. I'm just going to wear the top trying to act like it's not raining out that bad. The reality is, is he didn't want to go through the hazing that he would have to if the two of us walked in with our purple on purple fucking raincoats times two. We would have got a ton of shit.

And I was prepared to take it. I had him. I had a whole fucking silly walk I was going to be doing. I had, I don't give a fuck. So he punked out. So we ended up walking in, but my head's cold, right? All I have is a baseball cap on. So I'm like, fuck, I got to buy a hat.

Can I buy a bills? Who gives a fuck? They were last place. We'll buy a bills hat. And then I saw this, this one with a patriot logo on it. I said, fuck it. I'll get that one. So I put that one on.

I'm nice and warm. We go to will call. We pick up our tickets. We go into that high school football stadium that they have out there that I actually love. Looks like an old school football stadium. You know what I like about that's football stadium? That's about the size of a football stadium that holds real fans. You know what I mean?

All these, these new ones that hold like a hundred thousand fucking pets. All the bandwagon shit heads. You know, when you're all in for the real fucking fans show up or all in three, right? So we walk into the goddamn stadium. We're loving life, right? I'm already laughing at Verzi because I know damn well what's going to happen. He's going to walk out there. There's going to be some shitty little plastic seat that's going to be covered in fucking water.

And the only way he's going to be able to absorb it is through his goddamn jeans and his fucking BBDs. And then he's going to be sitting there with a wrinkled up nutsack that's going to be getting hypothermia by second quarter. Why do I know this? Because I've been there. So we get a couple of bears. We get this fucking beef on a stick or whatever the fuck they call it. We're good to go. We go in there, sit down.

He sits basically down in a fucking puddle. He tried to stick a newspaper down, which is very absorbent. And I don't know, we sat there and I had hope for about eight seconds in that game and the jets came down and just fucking, they just kicked the shit out of him. Christ, they kicked the shit out of him. And it was just over. So immediately our solution is just to start drinking the way we drank at the Masters. We're like, fuck it, let's get going here, right? So we're making trip after trip and all of a sudden I got to take a piss, right?

So I go and I'm standing in line and all of a sudden this fucking six foot five goofy looking jackass. One of those guys who's like six foot five, but you still think he can take him because he's just covered in baby fat. You know, he's got a couple of whiskers on his chin and his cheeks are rosier than Saint Nick, right? He's got this jersey on and this big stupid, I'm a Buffalo Bills fan with the horns on it and stuff. You know, he's the wacky guy. So I'm not even thinking shit, right? This is Bill's jets. I don't have a dog in this fight.

I'm not talking any shit. I'm fine. I forgot I was wearing my Patriots hat. And all of a sudden this big goofy jackass starts going, what's with your Patriots fan? You like the rats? We got a rat over here. The rats. He likes the fucking rats and the shit, right?

And I'm like, yeah, you know, whatever he starts giving me shit. I start giving him shit back. Then the weirdest fucking thing happened. By the time I get in to the actual men's room, I've talked. I've given these people so much fucking shit that actually there's bills and jets fans at a bills and jets game. They're playing each other. They stopped giving each other shit and they teamed up together and started giving me shit, right? And then I just said, I don't know what I was thinking.

I felt like I was on stage because it was like a crowd. I wasn't thinking like, hey, you know what, Bill? You really haven't had a fight outside of your family since maybe playing fucking street hockey in the sixth grade. I didn't give a fuck. I'm in a goddamn bathroom waiting to take a piss in a goddamn trough, by the way. And then they just started giving me a fucking, this one dude starts going, Tom Brady sucks dick. He sucks dick. And he's like miming it like ridiculously well.

So I'm like, hey, you know, buddy, you do that real well. He goes, I learned it by watching Tom Brady. I'm like, oh yeah, did you rent that porno? You fucking fag. Gets a little uglier. Gets a little uglier than this other dude. What the fuck did I came up with the hell he was saying to me? And I just said, look, I'm sorry you guys have never won a Super Bowl.

You know, then the jets fan pipes in. I go, do you realize the last time you guys won a Super Bowl, Charlie Chaplin was still alive? Do you understand that? Do you know what cars look like the last time you won your fucking morons? And then, then this other guy go, dude, we've won three Super Bowls. I'm sorry. Right. And then the guy goes, well, you didn't play in the games.

I go, neither did you. Then he's just standing with his dumb look on his face. I go, that's right. Keep staring forward. You got nothing forgetting that I don't know how to fight. So all of a sudden it's my turn to piss. I take my dick out. I'm ready to piss.

And one of these fucking pussies pushed me in the back hoping that I was pissing at the time. Fortunately, I wasn't. So I turn around. I put my dick away because I'm a gentleman. I said, I go, is that how you guys do it out here? Really? I go, which one of you guys pushed me? Like I'm going to fuck like I'm fucking Jackie Chan.

And for some reason, none of them said anything. I don't know if it was my purple on purple raincoat or the look of fire in my eye, but I'm a fucking 42 year old balding redhead talking shit in there and none of them said anything. So now it's kind of funny to me. I felt like I was in like the world series of poker and I went all in and I didn't have a hand whatsoever. So I don't know who the fuck pushed me, but that's what I mean. Come on.

Bitchiest move of the fucking week. How do you do that? How do you do that? How do you, how do you push another man when he's got his goddamn dick out trying to piss into a fucking trough? I mean, how do you get lower than that? Do you guys have any ideas? How do you get lower than that?

So then after none of them said anything, I go back and I start taking a piss. And then that other dude who was miming somebody sucking a dick unbelievably well, right? He's next to me with one of those stupid hats that has the toggles on the side. And he's still trying to give me shit. And I'm going to go fuck yourself. And then he just starts screaming over and over again. Are you looking at my dick? Are you looking at my dick maniacally?

Like five times. And I just sort of stared at him like, why do you keep going this gay angle? Like why is there always, I don't know. I think he was one of those guys, he was kind of in the closet. And then, so he just goes to football games and he gets really drunk trying to just kill the families. I think he liked me. That's what I'm saying.

So if he's listening to this, I'm sorry, I'm spoken for. You fucking pansy. You fucking believe that? First of all, what's wrong with me? I really replayed all of that in my head because once I got out of there, I was like, I really started thinking like, what did you think you were going to do in there? They're not Clint Eastwood yet saying things Clint Eastwood would say. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I don't know if I've said this before in a podcast, a public bathroom is the worst fucking place to ever get into a fight. There is nothing soft. There's everything is porcelain pipes that concrete floor and then it has a mist of piss and shit. It's just the fuck it is the worst. It's the worst place ever. You know, not to mention it usually starts evidently when one person has begun the pissing

process. So, you know, older, little bit wiser. So then I'm standing in line to go get some more alcohol because God knows that's what you need after an incident like that. And I was just kind of just sitting there thinking like, all right, now how should I have played that? It should have ended when the dude with the water buffalo hat started giving me shit. What I should have done was roll with it.

I should you like the Patriots. I should have been like, yeah, you know, you guys scored 30 on us last week, man. You guys look great, man. I bet the jets. I mean, I bet against the jets. I hope you guys should have just ended it with that. Ended it. I should have I should have extended an olive branch.

That's what I should have done in the future. That's what the fuck I'm going to do because that was a that was a potentially ugly situation. But fortunately, I think the people who were doing it, you know, had jobs and no one wanted to get sued and no one was willing to take it to that level. And when I say fortunately, I mean for me and my face. Oh, do you know how bad that would have been to get stomped in that fucking purple on purple raincoat, laying there with my dirty patriots hat. And my team wasn't even playing.

I would have lost the lawsuit. They would have been like, let me get this straight. You're a Patriots fan. You were a Patriots hat to a Bill's Jets game and you somehow managed to get the shit kicked out of you. What the fuck did you say? You know, that's one of the great things about being a guy is you actually have to take responsibility for your for your actions.

See, a woman would be like, there's no excuse. There's no reason. I don't care what happened. You don't hit a girl, which is true. You don't hit a fucking girl, but there's no learning in that. There's no lesson. You know, even my best friends would have been like, yeah, those guys are fucking assholes. But you know, there would have been an awkward pause and we'd be like, dude, what the fuck

are you talking shit for? Buy yourself at a game when your team isn't even fucking playing. What's wrong with you? You're 42 years old. Get your shit together. And they would have been right. Yeah.