Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-20

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

Bill rambles about the big trade, Billy Connolly, and childhood fights, with the lovely Nia.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. There's a lot of smiling faces out there today.

Despite the situation we're currently in where everybody's still fucking eating and actually a lot of people gaining weight. A lot of people stress eating. When I get upset, I coffee cake. I just, I don't know what it is. I think when I was a little girl, anytime I started to cry because my dad wasn't there. My mother would just take coffee cake and just shove it down my pie hole. And ever since then, I've just had this muffin top and I was just, if you could just like slice along here and dice along there. I just think then, then I'll be happy. I don't want to work on myself as a person. I just want you to slice away some of the fat. All right. There is a lot of happy men in the United States of America, specifically football fans.

And I am a big enough man to congratulate all of them. Congratulations to New York JET fans. Congratulations to the Buffalo Bill fans. Congratulations to the Miami Dolphin fans. Although you did pretty good against them. Pittsburgh Steeler fans. Come on, man. You know you're having a great morning. Kansas City Chief fans. Come on. You know it. You know it. In fact, congratulations to all football fans in the AFC other than New England Patriots fans because Tom Brady is no longer in the AFC. He is now in the NFC. All right. Although one division is going to have to deal with interleague play, you know, but there'll be plenty of good seats after this pandemic explodes or whatever the fuck they're trying to tell you on these 24 hour news networks. Anyway, Tom Brady signs with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and is a New England Patriot fan who saw him way back to Jim Plunkett.

I just have to say thank you for 20 seasons of the greatest quarterback I've ever seen. I get the move. I get the move down to Florida. I get it. It's what every, every old white guy in Massachusetts after a while gets sick of the winter and gets sick of paying state taxes and they go down to Florida and they don't go to Miami. Okay. They go down to fucking where the fuck is it? Oh, Jesus Christ. It's just south of Tampa. I forget what the fuck it's called. They always end up down there. They end up on the fucking west coast. They never seem to end up in like Miami. You know, it's always in, what the fuck? I don't know. I keep thinking Corpus Christi, but that's Texas. What the fuck is, I don't know what it is, but he's down there. He's not paying any state taxes, right? He's going to get all tanned up for the broadcast booth. He's probably looking at Tony Romo like that son of a bitch. You mean that guy? That fucking guy with no fucking rings is making this money to talk football? I'm going to go down there and get tanned up like fucking John F. Kennedy right before he debated fucking Richard Nixon on the news and I'm going to roll my way right into a broadcasting job. Florida map. All right, let's see. What am I trying to think here? Let's see here. Florida. What's the name? Oh, Jesus Christ. I want a map.

Is it so hard when you type in Florida map to get a map of Florida? There we go. There it is. I always blame the computer. And as a comedian, I always blame the crowd. All right, I always blame my wife. And that's all you really need to know from me. Are you just going to give me Tampa? You fucking cunts? All right, here we go. What the fuck is it? Okay, where is it? Come on. Don't be shy. Don't be shy. Why? I don't understand why it won't work. Maybe because I'm in a rush. What is going on with the... Fuck you, you fucking... Whatever. All right, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'll remember it later on in the podcast. Did the fucking things never work for me? I don't get it. Yesterday, I was writing on F is for family via Skype. And everybody's like, oh, just sign into this and download this app. It's really easy. And somebody's walking me through it. I click on the fucking thing and then they're just like, okay, now there should be a window that says press the easy button.

And it's just like, yeah, it's not there. Well, that's interesting. That's interesting. So anyway, yeah, I think he's got some good great wide receivers down there. It's a definitely interesting choice for Tom, but I mean, to not pay state income tax is fucking huge. You're in your last year and that's it. So I mean, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? The guy won a six Super Bowls, you know, in defense of Tom, he should have at least eight. Okay, you know, I mean, what are you supposed to do when, you know, what are you supposed to do? Somebody drops an interception or somebody, you know, there's fucking three punts in a game. Is that his fault? I don't think it is. Always drove us down the field. He was fucking right there. So, yeah, I don't think it's really hit me. It's seen seeing the Patriots without Tom Brady is going to be like, it's going to be like seeing the Yankees without Jeter. Remember how weird that was for a while? Just looking out there and he just wasn't there. But it is what it is. It's also one of the amazing things I think that also adds to the drama of sports is that these guys, even though Brady's 42, they, they, it just, you see the beginning, the middle and the end.

And you see him go from a young guy to the, the, you know, experienced guy to the veteran to, you know, I don't know what Brady though, he always looks good to me, but, you know, getting, you know, ready to getting towards the end. Just the drama of that. I just don't understand why people choose to watch reality TV. Assisted reality rather than watching sports. I don't know, maybe because sports are dumb. Who the fuck knows. But anyways, thank you, Tom Brady. And then fellow Patriots fans don't listen to sports talk radio and they're just going to come up with a bunch of soap opera shit. You know, they'll, he didn't get along with this person. He banged this person. This person did this and that and the other fucking Tom Brady bent over backwards. He restructured his contract. I don't know how many times we get the players we needed. And then he delivered in the big moments. He's going down there to get paid and that fucking pay any state tax. Good for him. Good for him. I hope he has a great offensive line. I hope the fucking Buccaneers win it. That would be incredible.

Be incredible. Personally, I was hoping he was going to go to San Francisco because I know he grow. I know that he grew up out there and that was his team and he loved Joe Montana. It'd be pretty cool to see be the first quarterback to win Super Bowl number six for a franchise with two different teams. Nobody's ever done that. That would have been a cool thing. And congratulations to Tampa Bay Buccaneer fans. You got to be fucking excited. I bet, you know, even though you are quarantined, I bet you ran. He had to resist the urge to run across the street and hug another fat Floridian with a pirate shirt on. All right. So that's that. That is the deal.

I have been having a great time with myself quarantine. How about you guys? What are you working on? I'm playing the best drums of my life. I feel like I'm a little kid again living at home with my parents with like no fucking job. And I can just go downstairs into the basement and play drums for two hours. I know a couple of other buddies of mine that play like, dude, I'm really getting good at guitar. So this is the time, people. You've lived your entire life without a pandemic. And what are you going to do? You're going to listen to what the fuck they say,

but then that doesn't mean you can't be having a good time. All right. Why don't you learn something you always want? Learn how to caramelize an onion. You can fucking find one with all these scared bitches going out of the fucking store every ten minutes. How often, how long is the food still going to have to be coming? They're still collecting the trash. Mail is still being delivered. You're still getting water to your house. You're fine. Fucking relax. All right. Here's one for you. Always wanted to shave your head,

but you were afraid what people were going to say. Now's the time to do it. I've begun a stretching program, too. There's always been a couple of stretches that I just, when I went back in the day, when I was a younger man, I'd actually go to a yoga class, right? And I had a little orange fucking man bun. No, I didn't. I had always just grew up. I remember I would see people being able to do these stretches, like just say the cobra stretch, like how the fuck is your spine double jointed?

I didn't understand. It was my psoas, all the shit in the front. And then the other one was when you sit down with your legs out 45 degrees and then someone could just go straight down. And I thought that that was another thing. I thought it was your back and I didn't realize that that was your hamstring. So I've just been working on that type of stuff, this great stretching routine. And now when I play drums, my back doesn't bug me anymore. If you ever see a drummer and they have the back of a chair on their drum thrown,

if they have that back support thing on the back, it's just like they need help. Because all they're doing is they're playing to the symptoms as far as just like, yo, now I'll have a fucking cane as opposed to working out and doing physical therapy. I'm not saying everybody's like that, but I have noticed that. A few of my favorite drummers, when I see them when they get the back thing on them, I'm like, oh no. It's for back support. It was strengthening your back muscles. You're in your 50s. It's not too late, right?

It's never too late, right? So there you go. There's a whole bunch of things you can get better at in instrument. Fucking download Rosetta Stone, right? Come back totally fluent with your fucking head shaved, playing like fucking Eddie Van Halen. Then all the chicks at the office are going to be standing six feet away from you, being like, oh my God, who is that? You know, he got even stronger during a pandemic. Then it just taps into that cave woman in him.

He's a provider. He's going to fight off that saber tooth tiger. The next thing you know, you're having a Corona 19 virus, whatever the fuck it's called, Konad fucking 19, like virus free threesome. It's going to go down. Why don't you come back a new fucking man? All right, your head shaved like you're in the fucking road warrior. Okay, shredding guitar, caramelizing onions, flexible, you know, relaxed. Get yourself a nice little tan.

Just come back looking like you went to the fucking Virgin Islands. Or you can sit there like a little scared fucking squirrel that heard a goddamn noise. And you can sit there and eat dairy and candy and all this comfort food. As you watch 24 hour news networks scaring the fucking shit out of you. By the way, the more I think about that hand sanitizer guy, he completely fucked up. He should have talked shit. Do you realize the fucking balls it took six weeks ago to spend 18 grand on hand sanitizer? Betting that this all these times people said, this is going to be bad.

It finally was bad. You don't think he tried to get other people to go in with them? Hey, you want to take your life savings and put it into hand sanitizer? Because I think this time next month we're going to be locked down. People be odd. You take off your fucking tin hat and the guy fucking does it and it pays off and they take it away from him. Like when Japan defeated Russia and they went in to claim their land and then all the white countries came in. Hey, hey, hey, settle down, settle down.

It's not how it works. And Japan should have been like that is how it works. The hand sanitizer guy should be that is how it fucking works. This is not what this country is about. This country was built on genocide and slavery and we don't do things like that. What are you talking about? The fuck are you talking about? He went apology mode.

It was like watching a comedian who didn't do anything wrong and then apologized and it just makes me nauseous. The fact that he came out there and he wore a family man t-shirt, that was it. That was it. Then what he did was say that what all of these people said that he did, that they were right. That's what he should have been like, fuck you. You're the 24 hour news network. You're the one out here scaring the fucking shit out of people. All right, you scared me too.

And I made an offensive move and it fucking paid off. And now you're gonna fucking throw a flag on the plate. Send me back 20 fucking yards and everybody's gonna judge me like I'm the bad guy. Here's to you hand sanitizer guy. The only thing he fucked up was he got too greedy. Other than that, man, it was the fucking move. The man made the right fucking move and they took it away from him. Took it away from him and then everybody got all self-righteous.

All these fucking liberal cunts that went down to the fucking grocery store and bought up all the fucking butter they could carry, knowing that they could carry more food than a fucking old person. Right? That's it. Shout out to all the terrible parents out there who allowed their kids to go down to spring break. Like, how uninvolved are you as a parent that you allowed that to happen? And they so don't even respect your fucking authority that they're actually on TV doing interviews. Huh? How much did you spoil them as children?

Terrible. I'm judging you right now. Terrible! Terrible fucking parents. I'm gonna pat myself on the back right now. Our daughter just took a major, major step. She's out of diapers. She's out of pull-ups. All right? Not saying there won't be a couple of accidents here over the next couple of weeks. But she's about 90% potty trained.

I gotta tell you, it's probably selfish of me, but it's the most proud I've been as a parent. I went out last night, right? Went to a crowded bar and just started licking things. And afterwards when I came back, no, I do a late night hike when nobody's around. I just walk around my neighborhood. I just walk around the block. I walk around, and if anybody comes at me, I literally just go out in the street. And then I always make the joke. I go, hey, six feet, six feet, and nobody ever laughs. Only a couple people laugh.

It's like, can we have fun with this? Jesus Christ, I'm in the middle of the fucking street here. So when I came back, I came into the house. One of my favorite things to do, to come back home and see my two lovely ladies. And I come home, and I hear my daughter jumping up and down, screaming upstairs. And my wife hears me come through the door, and she's like, Daddy, guess what your daughter did? And I was like, no way! No way! You know? She hit for the cycle. I don't want to get gross here, but she hit for the cycle on the fucking pot. And she was jumping up and down. I was jumping up and down.

And I was like, sweetheart, I am so proud of you. I've never seen her smile like that, because she's never seen, like, how happy she made us. And then we came downstairs, and I said, you know what happens now, right? She goes downstairs, she got a popsicle. I know you guys, you're going to reward her with sweets. Every once in a while, we don't have her eat a lot of sweets. We actually have her eat very well. We're Hollywood parents. We have her on an alternative diet. No, we don't. I kind of, like, straddle the line between the New Age thing and, hey, let her have a fucking burger, right? Not a lot of screen time, but, you know, let's watch a Disney classic or something like that.

Oh, by the way, we watched Brave the other night, which was a Pixar movie that I didn't even see it when it came out. You know, I didn't have any kids. I wasn't married when it came out. So now all of these movies are in my wheelhouse. And shout out to the great Billy Conley, one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time. Did an amazing job doing one of the voices. I don't know the name. I don't know the name. My daughter was talking the whole time, the guy without, you know, missing the leg and such a great movie. And I went on Wikipedia and I actually, I mean, if you need to kill some time, go read Billy Conley's Wikipedia page. I mean, it's like 19 pages and none of it is not absolutely 100% riveting.

Jesus Christ, what a life that guy had. And the fact that he came out of all of that and just was this great storyteller, you know, that went around and made everybody laugh. And like, I got to see him with my wife in New York City back in the 2000s. And it was unbelievable. I don't think he took a break. He did two hours. He just went up there and was just this fucking force of nature. Just one story led into the next story. I don't think I looked at my watch until 90 minutes in and I was looking down going like, what time does this guy go on? This guy just did like an hour and a half. I feel like I've been here for 20 minutes. So I guess he's retired now from performing, which I think is awesome. You know, I know he has some health issues or whatever, but his mind is still there.

Everything that I read and all of that type of stuff, but like, who gives a fuck? He got 77 years old. It's fucking great. You know what I mean? How many times can you go to a goddamn airport? Or maybe I'm projecting, you know, because I am enjoying this pandemic and not going to the LAX. All right. I love what LAX has done for my life, but I hate going to the fucking thing. And the fact that the design, the design of it is so fucked up and they are just so they can't shut it down. It's too fucking busy and they can't correct the fucking thing that they just have to keep. It's like the foundation is fucked up and they just keep adding more floors on top of it. So they're doing what they are doing, continuing on and always an experience, always an experience.

You know what? I usually don't give away travel tips like this, but I'm going to do it anyway. Because I think most of you will forget this by the end of this bullshit. Here's a great travel tip for you. As far as LA goes, people either want to get the fuck out of here or they want to try to, you know, have one more beach day. So the key is if your flight leaves around one o'clock in the afternoon, it's fucking great. As great as LAX can be. Try to leave around one in the afternoon, two, three o'clock, fucking perfect. Anything before 11 is going to be a shit show. It does start to slow down after 10.30, but 11 is still pretty bad.

And then after three, four, five, it starts becoming a shit show again. Plus you're also driving over during rush hour traffic, you start getting involved in that type of shit. You get that one in the afternoon flight. Oh, it's a lovely experience. You glide through security. It's fucking tremendous. Anyway, so you know something I've been doing while I've been out here, quarantining myself, other than just working on fucking drums. And you guys know the song that I've been working on. It's the song I've been fucking working on since I first started playing drums, good times, bad times. Every time I get close, I get really busy. It's just like flying helicopters. Same thing. Every time I feel like I could solo and take out a passenger, you know, take a passenger up with me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Then I'll get an acting gig or just a bunch of road work. And then my skills drop and I continue to fly with an instructor or I fucking get frustrated with drums and I move on to something else. But this time, I'm sticking with it, you know, that little cute little girl who fucking played the song perfectly just really inspired me. I was just like, all right, no more excuses, Bill. Yes, she doesn't have a job. Yes, she doesn't have to pay rent. Okay, but how petty are we getting here? She's eight years old and she can do it. You can do it too. So thank you to her for showing me what is possible here. To see an adult do it, I'm just like, all right, they had the gift, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I know that girl has gifts, but she's also eight years old and she figured out how to do it. So come on.

So anyway, I've been watching a bunch of like old NHL classics. And there's one called the Good Friday Massacre. Now, come on, even if you're not a fucking sports fan, you got to watch this, the Good Friday Massacre 1984 playoffs. And it's the Quebec Nordiques versus the Montreal Canadians. And it's in the old Montreal Forum. Well, it's the second forum. The one I actually went to a game, that one I always tell you about, March of 89. I saw him against the Minnesota North Stars. And oh my God, even just seeing that arena and hearing the sound of that arena, I got like sick to my stomach

because there was so many heartbreaking Bruins loss. We just couldn't, we couldn't, we couldn't even win a regular season game in there for like fucking 15 years. And the Montreal Canadians were the Montreal Canadians. And I think the referees went in there, they were intimidated, they were afraid of the crowd. And there was like this fucking unwritten rule that if the Canadians were down a goal and there was five minutes left, if you even looked at a Canadian, they were going to get fucking put on a power play. It was fucking ridiculous. So I've been watching this and it just, it's called the massacre, not because of the score. It was just the amount of fucking fights. It was just insane.

And I gotta be honest with you, I really miss the hockey too. Just the stick handling is just, the 80s were the best. There's the perfect time for the goal scorer, finesse people and the fucking, some of the toughest guys who ever played the game. And also I saw one before this, I watched this one, maybe it's the one here, I'll just scroll back here. There was one with, oh, 1975 Olds Cutlass Supreme 350 V8 with swivel bucket seats. You're not checking shit like this out. Although I like the front end on the 77 better. 442 T-Top with the 350 V8. That is a badass fucking car.

There was one, I watched where the Canadians with Larry Robinson beat the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Leafs were like, hey, look really quickly. Dave Taylor was being a maniac and in the end he was going after the referee and Larry Robinson came over and calmed him down. What a class act, man. He could have just made, let him, you know, loses emotions there, but he didn't. He fucking was like, come on, man, it ain't worth it. Just fucking, this isn't what we do here. It's not disrespect the game, even though we just beat the shit out of each other for the last 60 minutes. All right, the lovely Nia is here.

Hey, how you doing? I got to read, oh my God, I hope you guys signed up for this thing because you don't have to, the most perfect advertiser during a pandemic Nia. Butcher box. Yes. Butcher box when it comes to meat. What are you doing over there? Huh? What are you doing?

I don't know. I brought snacks. You brought snacks? Nia, we're supposed to be conserving food. I don't think they're ever going to bring anything more. I brought some almonds. All right, come over here. Okay, can I just get a nap to take the challenge?

A what? A tissue or something. Okay. I'll let you get settled. See, if it was a guy, he'd just come in, sit down, pick up the microphone, but all these broads. Nothing. What are you holding up? You have an N95 mask?

Yeah, but that was because there was mold in here. Oh my God. Is that what we need? Wait, yes. These are the exact masks you're supposed to have. You have N95, not just casually sitting. Yeah. Well, that was because there was mold.

The whole world is burning. You're sitting here horny with your two N95 masks. Oh my God. I got those because remember when there was mold in the bottom of that? We went on vacation, came back, there was mold in the bottom of the toilet seat, and I had to get it off. But these are the masks. But I mean, they're really for people who like work in the hospitals and stuff like that. But yeah, this is what you should, I tried to order some, and of course I couldn't get them.

Oh wow, look at that. So there you go. And we got two of them hidden. Great, Nia, now you just made us a target. All right, butcher box everybody. We're selling them for $500 each. $500. I'm a family man.

When it comes to meat, quality matters. But there's more to it than texture and taste. What's your favorite cut of meat at this point, whatever I can get? How do you like to prepare it? I actually, you know what I like. I like the heritage breed pork. Grilled, cast iron, skillet, broiled. How do you like to do it?

You know, I like to do it. I fucking brown it up in the skillet. Then I finish it in the oven, take it out, and then I give it a little garlic, rosemary, butter bath, spoon it over there. Tremendous. Not everyone has convenient access to high quality meat. Jesus Christ, this copy is hilarious now. Luckily, there's butcher box.

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Butcher box is a no-brainer. It's the best meat ship right to my door, which means one last trip to the grocers. Options like 100% grass-fed and finished beef, free-range organic chicken, my favorite, heritage breed pork, wild caught Alaskan salmon. You don't know what they're going to do to you. And sugar, nitrate-free bacon. With butcher box, you get the highest quality meat around for just $6 a meal, and they even have free shipping nationwide, except Alaskan Hawaii, but they can fend for themselves, right?

They can go kill a bear or pick a pineapple. Right now, butcher box is offering new members, ground beef for life. That's two pounds of ground beef in every box for the life of their subscription, plus $20 off their first box. Just go to butcherbox.com slash burr or enter the promo code burr, B-U-R-R at checkout. That's butcherbox.com slash burr, B-U-R-R or enter the promo code burr at checkout. All capitals. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties.

Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS novelties. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Um, anyways, I'm so happy you came on. I'm bummed out. I knew the day was coming. I knew Tom Brady was going to retire or leave.

You knew at some point it was going to happen. Who's Tom Brady? Tom Brady is the quarterback of the New England Patriots. The greatest quarterback of all time. Giselle Bunchen's husband. Oh yeah. Her last name is Bunchen's? Bunchen.

Bunchen? Bunchen. Bunchen. Bunchen? Bunchen. She's a super model. I don't know. I don't know how to pronounce her last name.

Yeah. That's part of being a super model. You also have to have the unique name. Like Giselle. Tyra. Cindy. Cindy. Exactly.

Cindy's theorem. So I thought, are you like done crying about it or? What do you mean crying? I never cried about it. You know, you're an asshole. I've been such a fuck. I've been such an adult about it. You know, what number is he?

Number one. How the fuck would I know? All right then. What are you giving me shit for? Number two. Number one. No, he's number one. He's number one.

No. He's number one. No, the number in his jersey. Oh, is he going to go someplace and play the football someplace else? Did he leave you all alone in Boston? Tom, come back. Oh, he's going to go play in Florida. Let me hold you while you recover from this devastating awful time.

I don't want to play with us anymore. I'm going to go someplace else and take my ball and go to Florida to screw you guys. You are so heartless in moments like this. Why is he leaving? Are they going to pay him more money? What's going on? Why would he leave? Well, he never did the free agent thing and a number of times he restructured his contract.

So he sent money down the road so we'd have money now against the salary cap. We could sign better players. So he's been nothing but a team player and I think he totally deserved to shop himself around the league to see where he could get the most money. There's no state tax. Go down there. They got some good wide receivers. It's a bit of a weird choice, but financially I get it.

He was cool enough not to go to the Dolphins. I was going to say, what's the team that he's going to be playing with? The Tampa Bay Egg Rolls. Egg Rolls? The Egg Rolls, yeah. The Tampa Bay one. The Buccaneers, right? The Buccaneers, yes.

I feel like that's not a team you hear a lot about, although that might change now. The brain has gone down self, but I just feel like that's not a team you hear a lot about. It's not like the New York Giants or the, oh my God, if he had gone to the New York Giants, oh my God, Boston people, whoo. That would have been tough. You white guys would be beside yourself. All fucking red in the face, screaming on CNN. I got to tell you though, that is a really good looking uniform.

Okay. Other New York Giants? They have a great uniform. We have a terrible uniform. I don't know what our uniform is. It's all red, white, and blue. Patriots. Silver and that triangle guy.

I don't even understand. He's a patriot. I don't even know what the fuck it is, the flying Elvis, whatever the fuck people call it. It's a patriot, isn't it? I don't get it. I don't know what it is. It's a white guy from back in the day. It's like, do you remember that movie, Alien?

Yeah. It's like Pat Patriot was on a ship with that thing, and then they had a kid, and then that's what the fuck it looked like. You sound like your character in The Mandalorian. Wait, I have a question though. Why wouldn't he go to like... What the fuck did that mean? You know, when you have that line where you're like, did you two make this?

Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't fucking seen the first season of The Mandalorian. Oh, all right. Where you were talking about, did you guys make this? Okay. Yeah, I'm very sensitive today. All right, go ahead. Are you? Oh, okay.

Boy, little baby. Tell me they don't want to play anymore. No, it's not that. Why wouldn't he go to a more high-profile franchise? You're asking great sports questions. Oh, well, yeah. The only thing I can think is, is state tax, but Nia, it's not really that he's left the Patriots.

Okay, because I mean, I've known that that was coming for fucking six years. I'm like, is this the last year? Is this the last year? Is this the last year? So you're kind of prepared for that. It's what it is, is when you're of a certain age, like me, 51, going to be 52 years old, you're constantly reminded of your mortality. So sports is a great escape.

And one of the things that does remind you, and this is not a new thought, they've written a bunch of stuff about this, but there is that thing of like, wait, Tom Brady is going to be, you know, is going to be too old to play football whenever. I don't know who knows with him. He might play another fucking three years and get three titles with Tampa. But like when somebody retires, like, you know, watching Larry Bird when he heard his back and then he couldn't play anymore, watching Michael Jordan on the Wizards when he was still fucking great, but he wasn't as quick, couldn't jump as high as everybody else.

It just reminds you was like, that can happen to that guy. What the fuck's going to happen to me? So there is a, you know, it's like going, I remember when I went to go see one of my favorite bands from my childhood, they got back together. And when they first came out on stage, I was like, oh my God, it's amazing. I was like, oh, fuck, they're old. Look how old they are. They're going to die.

I'm going to die. Everybody does. Why didn't he retire? He has like millions and millions of dollars. He'll be able to get, he'll be able to be in commercials like left, right and center. Like it's not like he's going to be hurting for money, but it's just, it's just the love of the game. Like you really got to move to Tampa. I'm sorry, Tampa, but like does he love football that much that he's willing to move to Tampa?

Come on. It's one of those things. Giselle's going to move to Tampa. You're going to take that beautiful fucking stallion and put her in Tampa. Oh, she must love him. Listen, not for nothing. She did go to Foxboro. Anyway, fair enough.

Fair enough. Right off of route one, sweetheart. Okay. You thought the fashion shows in Paris blew your mind? Where do you hit some of these Chinese restaurants along route one here? Get yourself a poo poo platter. Crab rangoon. I got three words for you.

Crab rangoon. Is there anything better than Chinese food in Boston though? People do not understand. Is there anything better than pizza or Chinese food in Boston? All they do in these fucking food shows is try to decide who has the best fucking pizza and just sitting there teed up. Waiting to be crushed for a high rated food fucking show is the best Chinese food. It is in Massachusetts. Absolutely.

Or the New England area. 100%. It is not, it is 100% the best and it is 0% authentic Chinese food. Yeah. This is our, I guess, well, now I can't even say Chinese Americans version. They looked at us and they were like, they don't like this healthy shit. They do not want to be skinny. Let's give these people, let's give these people what they want.

They did. God bless them. They don't even need dairy like that. The Chinese people that emigrated to New England, thank God. A lot of thanks on this podcast. God bless you. The, what you came up with, it's just, every time I go back, I got a couple of joints. Don't you think like their Chinese food is pretty good because there's a heavy Chinese population in San Francisco.

I would guess that that's more authentic. Probably. Yeah. No, no, come on. Like nobody does it. Crab rangoon, the poo poo platters, the chicken fingers. What the fuck are those? You can't get those anywhere other than in New England.

Chicken fingers. Yeah. Chickens don't have fingers. They do in New England. Right? Yes, they do. You can get chicken fingers like everywhere. No, you can't.

Yeah, you can't. No, you can't. Chicken, well, maybe they call them chicken tenders. They don't do. These things are like as long as like the evil witch, actual finger longer than that. Like Bill Russell's level long fingers. Well, we'll miss you, Tommy boy. Go out there and throw the ball over and Tampa kid.

That's my boss. And that was a little bit of JFK in there. Go over there and throw the ball kid. Then you throw in the kid. Dude, kid. So what else? What else you got going on in this podcast? Oh, I have a bone to pick with you.

I know. That's why you said you wanted to do the pockets. All right. Here we go, everybody. Oh, no, I earlier today, I was, you know, just expressing my. How did I fuck up already? It's not even noon. What is the problem?

Can I can I express myself or once again, are you going to shut me down for having an opinion? And that's the point that I'm trying to bring up. Do you stop playing the victim? What do you mean victim? Not you. You're not a victim. Can I express myself?

Can I not be shut down? I was sitting there complaining about something the president had said. And you were like, I don't know what you said. It was just a lot of you just open your mouth and I came out. And it's like, I can't even like just express myself in my own home without you trying to shout me down and shut me up. It's like our life isn't your fucking podcast where you just have the solo mic and you just go on and on and no one's there to refute you or we're like, people have opinions and

no, you know, and they're allowed to express them. And you were. Why are you looking at me like that? It's funny when someone's reading you the riot act and then in the middle they mispronounce a word. It just kills all your steam. And then you see it in the person's face. Like, did they notice that?

Do I still have the momentum and then you try to get it going again? It's like, I'm allowed to complain about things. You're like, you know, we just got to do what we got to do. And all these like stupid fucking platitudes. It's like, allow me to make my point. I am so sick. What are you sick of today, Bill? Of people telling me the dumb thing Trump said.

I get it. You don't like the guy. I don't like the guy. This is a time for everybody to pull in the same direction and shut the fuck up and just stop with the, did you believe what he did? I have all of these friends. Do you have a problem with people talking about that? Can I ask you a question?

Why are you allowed to express yourself and I can't express myself? You express yourself all day long. And you're sitting there going like, I went. You literally make money expressing yourself. And then you want to sit here and act like you're in some kind of situation where you can't express yourself. Jealousy. I'm not jealous.

I'm not jealous. Jealousy. Jealousy. Jealousy. You're fucking bald head. They have. I don't think so, Red. They have open mic, Nia.

If you want to go down, just do an open mic. I don't need an open mic. I can talk to you about it. Apparently I can't though, unless it's you. I'll be sitting up in the room. Guys, can you see how much she can't express herself in this relationship? And all of a sudden you will go into like a five minute monologue about God knows what about anything at any time.

So I can't talk about like something that annoyed me that I saw without you being like, I am so sick of people doing this or that or the other. It's like, how fucking dare you? Who are you? You're so sick of people talking about things. Go fuck yourself. This is our relationship, everybody. Love at the time of Corona.

And just notice how much she just talked, how much I could even get a word in and how she acts like she's just like kept in a fucking tower waiting for some prince to rescue her. Nia, you fucking go, he fucking believed what Trump said. And you're dumping it on me. I'm not dumping it on you. I'm just expressing like, you're just expressing. But when I come in and I express myself, it's a five minute tirade. It is.

Oh, I see all that. But it really is. That was like two or three sentences and you went into a whole thing about like how you're tired of people talking about the dumb things that he says. Like you're not the talking police. Nia, I don't want to hear it. You've told me to certain subjects. I'm not allowed to talk about anymore.

So I stop. I don't want to hear anymore. I get it. He's a fucking, I don't know. He's disturbing. The man is disturbing. I don't know what his fucking problem is. I feel bad for people in his cabinet who have to sit across from him.

Like I'm working for this fucking guy. I feel bad for him. All right. But if the motherfucking tells me to stay inside, I'm fucking staying inside. No, but my point was he wasn't saying that before. He was saying that it was a hoax and all this other kind of thing. That's how he deals with stress. And now he's by lying to the American public.

Everything is a hoax. And now he's changing his tune. He's like, oh, we've been telling him to stay inside this whole time. It's like, no, you weren't. No, you weren't. And I was just trying to have hypocrisy. That's all it was. I wanted to get it out and vent it out.

And I would think that you, as my loving partner for the last 16 years, would allow me the space to speak about the things that I feel strongly about. All right. Well, here's my thing. You can trash this guy. That's my time, everybody. You can trash this guy all you want, but I never heard it when somebody wears a blue tie and they're doing the exact same fucking thing.

And that's the fucking problem, which drives me nuts about news junkies and people who are into politics. It's Hatfields and McCoy's. And it's just like, when are you going to fucking stand back and see that these guys make $500,000 a fucking year, the president, OK? He makes $500,000 a year because we're not going to give you all the millions at first. What we're going to do is you just make sure you dot all the i's and scratch across all the t's.

And then in the end, then you come back and then you give us a fucking speech and we'll grossly overpay you for this dumb ass fucking speech that we're not even listening to. And that's us washing our bribe money. And they all at the end of their fucking goddamn administrations, every fucking one of them goes out and speaks to the same group of fucking rich people. All right. So spare me. And, you know, I'm fucking the man of the house here.

I got you. OK. And I got my daughter and I'm trying to fucking stay in a positive thing. I don't need any more of the fucking. Oh, so that's what it's about. You're trying to just not. I'm trying to just fucking chill. I'm on the podcast trying to get people to chill.

And I don't need to people. Did you see how the sky's falling today? All right. Well, then you should say that then. You shouldn't make it like like you're so tired of people. You should be like, listen, I'm just trying to protect my mental energy in space and not have it. You know, I would love to do this to you when you fucking fly off the handle. And then you tell me why, because of something from your childhood.

And I'd be like, well, then what you should have said was when I was eight, someone took an ice cream cone and put it on my fanny. And ever since then, I've had this weird issue about desserts. Because you knew that happened to me. Are you making fun of me? Are you throwing a childhood trauma in my face? Wait, did you tell me that? Some years ago, like well, many years ago. Somebody put an ice cream on your fanny.

On my head. This boy. What? Yes, this boy. Why are you laughing? You're such an asshole. How old were you? I forget how old I was, maybe 10 or something like that.

But I was hanging out with my friend, Jade. What did you say? This apartment complex and this boy and this other boy, I don't know. He was probably being annoying and I probably wasn't like, I don't even remember what happened. Oh, that's convenient. But he took an ice cream, he put it, wait, did he put it on my head or something? And then he hit me in the stomach. Well, that's how boys say they like you at 10.

Yeah, that's not. And I also think you probably said something. Having been with you for 16 years. You are such a fucking asshole. I was a child and that was a bully. Okay. But he was also a child. What are you going to try him as an adult?

Why are you sticking up for him? Why are you sticking up for me? Because I kind of like him. It's baby Nini. Whenever you have your stories about baby BB, I'm always like, oh, this happened. Oh, that's all. I'm just imagining you as a little boy and I just want to hug you. No, but you do that while you're looking at your phone on Instagram.

No, that's not true. Oh, terrible. Swiping, swiping, swiping. No, no, no, no. I get it, Nia. I'm the jerk and you're the hero. Pretty much. All right.

That sums it up. I gotta tell you, Nia, this was an outstanding visit. Are you kicking me out? No. But I mean, no, I do like a half hour. I mean, you fucking don't know shit about sports and you crushed the Tom Brady shit. You trashed me. Thank you.

I'm telling you, there's like sports fans could not trash me better than you trashed me. I actually at one point stopped laughing because I was admiring it. I like how you just you're fucking funny, man. You're really fucking funny. You're funny than a lot of comedians. I know you really are. All right. Having said that, though, I'm glad that you know why?

Because that kid put an ice cream on you. Had he hit you in the stomach? That's a stand up comic childhood fucking story. Yeah. Yeah. No, I've had to. But see, that was an instance where I wasn't able to use my cleverness to get me out of a situation.

I think you tried to use your cleverness and he wasn't having it. Yeah. And he didn't know what to do with that. But then later on down the line, when I had potential, another potential bully situation, I was able to flip the script and then the bully became. You stole the line. You stole the line. I stole the line and I used it from Sanford and Sign.

From Red Fox. From Red Fox. And I used it on the school yard. What was the line? It was a stick her face. I could stomp your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies. Make gorilla cookies. Yeah.

That was the line he said on Sanford and Sign. It was his sister-in-law. What was the character's name? Contestant. Yes. So anyway. He sprayed Sanford you over. So everybody was like, ooh.

And then they went back and they told her. And then she kind of confronted me on the playground, but I just kind of like blew it off. And then she told on me. She told the teacher. And the teacher was like, you better not be spitting rumors and talking about my kids. And I was like, whatever. And then she became like my protector and like took me under her wing as like her little sister and like no one ever.

Wait, is this your childhood or is this that movie, My Bodyguard? This is my childhood. What is My Bodyguard? My Bodyguard was a great, you know, the kid from Meatballs was getting picked on by a young Matt Dillon. And then the dude from who later was in a full metal jacket. He came along a man child in high school and they became friends and he needed a part for his motorcycle.

And then they finally found it. And then, you know, he kept Matt Dillon away from him. And then then Matt Dillon was like, all right, I can get another big friend. And then other things happened. Wow. Sounds like a great movie. Anyway. I love that he doubled down.

After he put the ice cream on your head, he then also hit you in the stomach. I mean, that was, he gave you a two piece. It was awful. He gave you a two piece, Nia. And I love it. It was awful. It was really not nice. I was really upset.

Did you cry? Of course I did. You weren't such an asshole. Wait a minute. Of course I cried. The ice cream melted down on your face and it mixed with your tears? No. The saddest dessert ever.

I cried and I told my dad and then, but he was gone. I don't even know where he came from, who he was. Oh, the abandoned child. I mean, why don't you do it an open mic, Nia? You have all the tools in this story. I don't know. I can't imagine doing what you do though. I can't imagine doing what you do.

That's the difference. I can't imagine putting an ice cream on your head and then slapping you in the stomach. I might have to recreate this. Kind of like punched me in the stomach. Oh, I love this kid. Wow. Well, everybody's the same height at 10. Come on.

No, they're not. I was like one of the smallest people in my class. What are you talking about, Nia? Yes, I was. I was a small kid. I was not a big kid by any means. Yeah, you had that big mouth though, didn't you? Well.

Just running that, yeah. There might be that. Yeah. But I was not a physically intimidating person. You think the shit like that didn't happen to me when I was a kid? Well, why don't you talk about it? I was on an altar boy retreat. We went to Rocky Point.

It was an old, what the fuck was it, an amusement park. So we've gone on all these rides for free or whatever. And then we got on the ride that takes you up over the park. So I was sitting, it was me and two other altar boys. And I was making them laugh and everything. So we were going up and then it comes around. So you see the people returning. So they were passing us.

And there was these two kids and they said something, blah, blah, blah. And I went to one of them and he turns around. He goes, I'm fucking waiting for you. And then I was just like, oh, fuck, right? So then we came around and now we fucking start coming back to where we got on. And I'm seeing him and he's down there pacing like a fucking line. He's got like four friends with them. The two people I'm with are just like, dude, what the fuck did you get us into?

And we're sliding down like quint into the mouth of the fucking shark. And I don't know what, I don't know where my friends went, but I got off. And next thing you know, I was in this circle and they were pushing me. And every time I would regain my balance, another kid would push me. I remember he had a dead tooth. He was like a fucking kid from the depression era. So, you know, he fucking swung on me. I covered up and they just stomped me or whatever.

And then I got up. Wait, wait, wait, wait. And then I got up and they were like, yeah, you fucking push you, whatever. And I was just like, no. And then I still, you're only tough because you have all your friends. And I was like, oh, why did I say that? And then they just, so then they just was just two of them. And then they just followed me around the park.

So I stood in the next line. I tried to get to, you know, to try to get my shit together. I stood in the next line. It was the fucking bumper cars, which is not a good ride to get on after you just got the shit kicked out of you. More, more bodily impacts. So then they came back up. He said, now I'm gonna buy myself fight me again. And I pussied out and I didn't do it.

And I felt really bad about myself. And, but then what was great was this Asian dude got on the bumper cars and he was like in his teen. He's like a teenager or something. And he just had no idea how to fuck. It was the stereotype and he was just flooring it and he was just slamming into the side like the walls. And dude, when I tell you this guy was killing the entire line, we were crying, laughing and he was laughing too. And then he had it in reverse and he would back up and he's slamming the other one. And he was just killing himself, but he was having the best time and he saw us laughing and he was laughing.

We were all just fucking crying, laughing and oh man, so many things happened that day. One of my buddies who's now no longer around unfortunately, I remember there was this little kid and you know that game. This is what assholes we were. I mean, I wasn't like this, but like my friends, they just like remember that game you put the quarters in and then like the claw arm would come up and try to get like the prizes. So it was all a bunch of shit prizes and then like one grand prize. And it was this little kid, right? Little black kid, he was playing, right? And he fucking goes, he finally gets the camera.

And for whatever reason, he hits my friend. He goes, oh man, check it out. I got the camera, right? And as it was coming up, he was only like nine years old as it was coming up, but he went over and he just slammed the controls. So then the kid starts chasing my buddy around and he's laughing just running in a circle. And then his older brother showed up who, thank God, was totally cool. It was like, I'm not going to stomp this little white boy. And he's kind of like, you know, but I was just like, yeah, we were, that was a hell of a day. That was a hell of a day.

There was a lot. Hell of a day. It was. Wait, I have to step away from the podcast for just a second. Well, this is the end of the podcast, Nia. This is going on too long. Well, I usually just do a half hour. I got him 54 minutes, gave him an extra 24 minutes because I know that they're on house arrest.

You're welcome. Hey, how about a round of applause for Nia Renee Hill, crushing it on the podcast. Oh my goodness. Listen, I was happy to be here folks. Oh, then the false humility to end it. I mean, it was fucking, it was just a perfect, a perfect appearance. And you know what? And I think that's a very fitting for Tom Brady. You know what I mean?

He played quarterback perfectly for the New England Patriots. And then you came on and had a Tom Brady-esque appearance. Having said that, I'm going to see if I can go down to the supermarket with my fucking proper mask here, get some ice cream, put it on a cone, stick it on your head and slap your right in your stomach. All right, love you sweetheart. Get the fuck out of here. Bye. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast.

Enjoy the music picked out by the always wonderful Andrew Thamelis. And then we have a bonus half hour of a greatest hits Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday, morning podcasts. Have a great weekend. Stay positive. Do what the fuck they say. Don't watch 24 hour news. They're going to solve it. It's going to be fine.

This time next year, we're all going to be laughing at it, right? Okay, bye-bye. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast. From Monday, March 19th, 2012. In like a lamb, I'm like a lion. It's fucking cold out here in Los Angeles.

If you're wondering about the weather report yesterday, cold does not bug me unless I'm in Los Angeles. Then it bugs me. You know, if I'm in Cleveland, if I'm in Boston, if I'm in New York, if I'm in Philly, I don't give a fuck if it's cold. I'll put on a pocket, right? But when I'm out here in LA, it really bothers me. It's just something annoying about being cold while looking at a palm tree.

It just fucking bugs the shit out of me. It just doesn't make any sense, you know? It's like seeing a skinny Santa Claus. It's like, what are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be a tub of shit. How can you be jolly if you're in shape? Have you ever met a jolly skinny person? You know, there's a certain level of being fat where you just find,

you just, I don't know. I don't know if you're just psyched because you're eating cookies and you don't give a shit, but you can still tie your shoes. Like that's that level of fat you want to be at where you're eating pizza and you're eating cookies. And yeah, you're fat, but you know, you put on a sweater and you go, oh, you got rosy cheeks and nobody cares. Nobody's looking at you. Nobody's judging you.

And then when you go beyond it, when you go beyond it is when your stomach comes out from underneath that sweater and everybody can see it, you know? But you can't see it, right? Because you're so fat. And even when the wind blows, you don't notice it because you're all warm with all that blubber. You know, there's a fucking, I don't know,

there's a sweet spot of being fat where no one's making fun of you being fat and you're eating all shit food, but nobody's trashing you. So I guess that that's what makes you jolly. You know, oh, I get to eat all this shit food and nobody's judging me. Then once you go beyond it, then you start fucking crying. You know, I'm one of those reality shows.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't even want to be doing this podcast right now. I'm not even lying. I'm not even gonna lie to you. I can't even spit it out. I'm fucking exhausted, but I got a bunch of shit to do tomorrow which is today by the time you're listening to it. You know, I really don't feel like doing this shit.

So it's gonna be quick. I'm getting right to the fucking point. All right. I already solved why certain levels of fat people are jolly. You know, right there, if you guys weren't so selfish, that could take up your whole fucking week. You know, but not you guys. Oh, keep it coming.

You like how I'm blaming you guys for this thing that I started? I just realized I haven't even looked at a half of this fucking crap here. So what happened this week, Bill? What'd you do this week, Willie? I, um, I didn't do any fucking stand. I think maybe I did stand up this week. I'm on vacation people. I'm still on vacation.

Still on vacation. As you guys sit there and you work putting in an honest day work, making somebody else's dream come true. That dream evidently was to stick everybody in these little fucking cubicles. Everything. What a fire hazard a cubicle is. What if there's a fire in your little doorway? You know, there's no other way to get out.

What are you going to do? Shouldn't that be another doorway to the cubicle next to you? Do you have a little ladder on the front of it? We climb up and over your terminal. Why are you still sitting in that fucking thing surrounded by plastic? They can't give you anything. How about like, can they make your mouse made out of like wood or maybe some sort of precious metal to somehow act like they give a fuck about you on any level?

Do you know I have a, uh, I live in this old house now. This old house is fucking old. This old house has old wiring. This old house has fucked up plumbing and Billy's got to pay for it. It's old house has got a little garage and I got a big fat truck and every time I back it in, I start saying God damn and fuck. I can't fucking get it in the garage. So you know what I did the other day?

I said, hey, hey, who knows how to make garage doors wider? And I found somebody, uh, I found somebody, uh, on, uh, make my garage doors wider.com and the person came over and they made my garage doors wider and I backed my fucking truck in there. You know, fucking like butter. So you guys don't have to listen to me bitch about that again. So now I'm sitting there going, this is fucking great. You know, I can put my truck in there.

I don't have to worry about it. You know, and there's no problems. So what do I do? I fucking jump in the Prius the other day, you know, the ying and the yank. I got the gas guzzler and I got the, oh my God, that's like a tree kind of car. So I'm going to go down and watch some final four fucking action or whatever. March madness, whatever you call it. And, uh, you know, as you guys know, I'm not a big fan of basketball.

I love the first 97% of it. It's that last 3% with the 58 timeouts and the fouls and the commercials. You know, I watched the game today. It was one of the worst sporting experiences I've ever had. I watched St. Louis, uh, the St. Louis fairies or something like that. There was some sort of, uh, the gremlins versus the, the Michigan state spot. Okay. 20 minutes, first half, 20 minutes, second half.

Okay. The first, I don't know, 38 minutes of the game or not even 37 minutes of the game. I don't know. It seemed like it took 90 minutes to play. It's flying. And I'm like, this is why I love college basketball as opposed to the excruciating 48 minutes of NBA hoop. And then what happens to final fucking three minutes?

I swear to God, it took 50 minutes to play. Jesus Christ. They're up by seven. It's over. Foul. Foul. Foul. That took 0.8 seconds off the clock goes to the line for a one at one.

Fucking guy misses the ball. He throws it down. Foul. Fucking fouls. Another guy. Right. Timeout. Timeout.

Fucking, I had my shoes on. I'm trying to leave because I got to give my buddy a ride because I got shit. To do, but we want to see the end of the fucking game. And I swear to God, the final 45 seconds. It took like six minutes to play 45 seconds. And I know every once in a while, somebody can hit that big shot and everybody goes, oh, shit in a Buffalo Wild Wings. Right.

And then your slutty waitress comes over with a ref shirt tied off, you know, just under the titties. Cleavage showing. Hey guys, how are you? You want some more wings? Did we win? Yay. Stick the legal tender in my orifice, please.

Right. I know every once in a while you have one of those things, right? But you know what? 99% of the time in basketball, that doesn't happen. And you're just sitting there letting six months, six minutes of your life go by to watch 45 seconds of action. You know, I don't know. So anyway, so I go to a buddy's my house, buddy's house, a buddy of mine's house.

There we go. It's actually an apartment. Why do you have to exaggerate, Bill? You know, why are you trying to enhance your life? And I go fuck yourself. All right. So I drive over to his apartment, right? And he lives in this part of the city where there's no fucking parking.

And I'm really trying not to lose my shit. I'm trying to control my temper. Because I don't want to be this guy. I really don't. I like to be that. I'd like to be jolly. I like to eat some pizzas, some cookies and have my stomach hanging out underneath my sweater.

Nobody gives me shit about it. Right? Oh, so whatever. So I get my fucking Prius and I drive down the road and I can't find the parking. So I say fuck it. You know, I'm going to park at a meter. So I park at the meter and I reach into my little fucking console to get out my little baggy quarters.

And I forgot they're not there because that cunt broke my fucking window in my driveway, broke the window in my fucking car and stole the bag of quarters. At least I got this douche, right? And then I have to pay for the fucking window. So I pull up to the meter and I don't have a goddamn, I don't have any quarters. I don't have any quarters. So I go, all right. Evidently, I have to use my credit card.

It's something I don't like doing. I don't like using my credit card on, you know, in a parking meter, on a parking meter. I don't like doing that because there's a record that I was there. Okay. Now I stick that thing in and that takes a lot of stuff off the table for me. Okay. I can't like get into a fight with somebody and he pulls a knife. We wrestle for it.

He falls on it and dies, but I have no connection to him. And, you know, and I can't just fucking leave without getting caught. Right. I can't call somebody a cunt. I mean, I can do all that stuff, but there's that, the paper trail. He was there. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were.

We got your credit card. Well, I didn't call her a cunt. Why'd you lie about being there? All right. Listen, I might be in charge of anything because if I am, I want to lawyer if not, I'm fucking leaving. All right. Remember that first 48. That's what you say.

So anyways, so I got to use the fucking credit card. So I use a credit card. All right. All I can get is two hours of time. There's an hour and something on the meter. So I'm trying to pay for 20 minutes. It's all fucking confusing. I gave them two hours of time for 20 minutes.

So I go and I walk in this guy's fucking apartment. I watched the goddamn game. Right. I'm thinking two hours is going to be enough time out, time out file, file, file, time out all that fucking bullshit. Right. By the time I figure out what's going on, it's three and a half hours later and I'm like, Oh my God, Jesus Christ.

You're an idiot. Bill, you forgot you've parked at a fucking meter. You're going to have a ticket. Right. And I come walking down the street and I'm walking up to my car. What do I see the fucking meter made? Who's a guy pulls up? I still call them meter maids.

Even if it's a guy, you know, what kind of a fucking man does that job? I don't give a shit if it is a recession. Go break into somebody's Prius. Be a man about it. Right. I see the fucking meter made man pulls up at right as I'm there and I'm laughing my ass off when you got to be fucking kidding me. I got away with it and I jump in my Prius and I drive away laughing my ass off.

Call up my buddy. Yeah, he wouldn't believe it. I got there. Right. It's a fucking blah, blah, blah. Yeah. You had to be there. Right.

I'm all thinking it's the fucking greatest story ever. All right. Put my car in the fucking driveway. I don't know what I did after that came inside at a couple of whiskies and I yelled at everyone in the house that I love, you know, typical evening for me. So the next morning I wake up and I looked at the side of my car and evidently somebody had hit my fucking car. I'm driving away last night, you know, I'm driving away thinking, oh, look at me.

I got away from the fucking meter made and somebody caved in the entire side of my fucking car. You know, I don't know what it is about my Prius. It's just fucking every fucking three days. Somebody smashes into it. I just can't keep the dents out of it. You know, I'm not one of these douchebags who gets a fucking car and when something breaks, you just say, fuck it, you leave it that way.

The next thing you know, you look like Lamont driving over to Fred Sanford's house. I'm not going out like that. Even if it is a Prius, I'm keeping it nice. All right. I get the fucking thing detailed. I don't give a shit. I get the fucking interior shampooed. I keep it nice, not riving around some, you know, sorry, bad enough.

I'm driving around on something that has bicycle tires on top of that. I'm gonna have fucking dents in it. All right. I got an image here, people. I'm trying to keep up. Oh, Christ. I'm so fucking tired right now. I don't want to do this.

God damn. What the fuck I'm talking? What am I talking about? That's how you guys, I saw Sandra Bernhardt this weekend. I didn't do any stand up. I went down and, uh, with me and her mom, I went down and we saw Sandra Bernhardt down at the La Jolla Playhouse or something like that. And, uh, she's fucking awesome.

God damn rock star. You know, it's kind of a cabaret thing where she would sing songs and that type of stuff, you know, and I think I was the only straight guy there under the age of 45, but I loved it. I actually wish that she would do more stand up. She was fucking hilarious and, uh, I don't know, she was just, I don't know, that perfect kind of just not giving a fuck. Just an absolute beast.

I've always been a huge fan of hers and, uh, so if you get a chance to see her, I definitely fucking recommend it. The fuck was she gonna, she went off on, she did like fucking 10 minutes on Gwyneth Paltrow, just trash in her phenomenal and all her shit about, you know, watching TV and making fun of Cindy Crawford's stupid Cindy serum, all that shit. It was phenomenal night. I actually got to sit and watch somebody else do stand up for once, you know, stood in line, bought a DVD for Nia, right?

And then stick out my head. Oh, I'm a comedian too. Right? Did that, took a picture, you know? I had a little fan boy night. It was nice. Then some asshole asked to cave in the side of my fucking car. Oh Jesus, what the hell am I talking about?

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. You know, you know what? I think it's time for people. I think it's time for a fucking commercial. You knew this week, blowpops, remember those things that the ice cream man used to sell those red, white and blue rockets teaches the girls how to suck dick nice, right? Well they're on sale people. They're on sale this week.

If they're an ice cream truck comes by, you just mentioned this podcast and you just yell out, Hey, my sister's already sucking dick and they'll give you 10% off a blow pop. All right. What the fuck am I talking? Sorry. I don't have the copy in front of me. Um, what the hell is it? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why wouldn't I have any of this? Oh, there it is. The advertising schedule here. What do we got? Stamps.com again? Do I really need to go through this again? Stamps.com, everybody? You know, you know the deal.

How would you like to have the post office in your own apartment? But Bill, I don't think it'll fit. Relax. I don't mean literally. Stamps.com everybody. Have you ever been sitting around rubbing your balls at one in the morning going, God, I wish I could put a stamp on a letter. Well with stamps.com.

That dream is now a reality. Okay. So why don't you call Oprah and start crying about it because your dreams have come true. All right. Look, no one wants to go down to the post office. It's a dangerous place to go. Okay. Every six weeks, somebody's down there doing something crazy.

Right. There's always some homeless guy, you know, holding the door for you as you walk in and then expects, you know, that you're going to pay him on the way out. Like that's how life is. Like that's how quickly you get a return investment. You know, like I couldn't open that door myself. You filthy son of a bitch. Why do you want to deal with that?

Forget about when you go in there and there's some old lady trying to mail her dentures to Cincinnati. You don't want to stand behind that. How do I weigh it? It would be nice if you had a scale in your own apartment, a house or dwelling or even your cubicle. All you got to do people's go to stamps.com. You can buy and print official US postage on your own computer and you can print out

those stamps. Everybody, what'd you think? You were just going to stare at them on the screen. They got it all figured out. All right. Stamps.com will also give you a digital scale to weigh your packages. You type in the zip code. It's very easy.

I've been spending all my DVDs. It's amazing. It is amazing. Right now, stamps.com is a special offender for my listeners. All 17 of them. If you use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R, all capital letters, you get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and $55 in free postage. Okay.

I don't know what else you need. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone, the radio microphone at the top of the homepage. You type in Burr. Stamps.com, everybody, enter Burr. How was that? Was that a nice read? I think it was.

I think there was just enough comedy in there while I got the information out too. Oh, Jesus, so anyways, I live in this old ass house, all right? And whoever lived here before, I don't think it's the people right before, the people before them, people before them. This is a great old house. And the great thing about having an old house is they have these old fixtures, door handles, hinges, other handles, you know, wood covens, all that type of stuff that makes the thing unique.

You know what the worst is? Is when somebody lives in the house before you and they don't fucking appreciate it. And what they do is they take all those wonderful features, they take them out, they go down to Home Depot and they buy some plastic hunk of shit and use that as a goddamn door handle. Well, you know what? That's not how I roll. Am I really going to talk about brass door handles at this point? Is that how far the fucking podcast has come?

I got a fucking door handle. It's made out of brass and it has 90 years of schmutz on it. Okay, fatty arbuckle banged a whore up against it probably sometime in the early thirties. And that schmutz from that horse twat is still on the door handle, okay? I went out and bought myself a little fucking kit and I'm trying to polish that thing today and I realized how annoying it must have been to work for rich people back in the day. We had to polish up their candelabras and their fucking spoons and their tea cups. Oh my God, I would fucking rub my balls on all their fucking forks and everything before

I put them in the drawer. And there's no way these people didn't do that. There is nothing more annoying. And I know these people back in the day had no idea what an iPad was. You know, they had no idea what it would be like to have live streaming porn on some little fucking plastic box right on that table where they could rub one out whenever they wanted to. I realized it was a simple time.

You know, back in the day like an apple was a dessert, at least according to my research it was. Remember that back in the day you'd watch those Tom Sawyer movies and they'd be, hey, wash my fence and I'll give you an apple. Boy, oh boy, a fucking apple. Kid couldn't believe it. I don't understand, you figure then there was a whole bunch of apple trees all around, why don't you go climb one up you dumb fuck.

You wouldn't have to paint the fence to really thought about it, but then again he was an orphan. Wasn't Tom Sawyer an orphan? Or was it Huck Finn? I don't fucking know, what am I talking about? Anyways, to be back in the day, just have to sit there and shine up all these fucking rich people's bullshit. You know, I bought this that you can't afford, make it even shinier and you got to sit there

doing that. You know, the same motion over and over again, the fucking, your knuckles swelling up, right? Just sitting there, you know, going, I always want to drive a stagecoach and that dream just never happened for you and there you are, your whole fucking life. You got to sit there and shine spoons. Not wash them. You got to wash them and then you got to fucking shine them up. Let me tell you something, I fucked with this brass door handle for about 20 minutes and

I was like, you know what? Fuck this. No, I didn't. I went on YouTube and actually looked up how to shine a brass fucking door. So now I'm going down to the fucking hardware store tomorrow and I'm going to get some fucking low grade or high grade fucking SOS pad and I'm going to do that with a little toothbrush tomorrow. And this son of a bitch up and somehow I feel like it's going to fill the void.

Oh, God, can you guys feel me slowly going crazy? Um, well, if you can, I don't give a fuck. Hey, if you've been wondering, you know, I've realized that forever. I haven't even told you guys how to email me. It's bill at the mm podcast.com. All right. Bill at that's the, the A with the circle around it, like Walt Disney drew it, right? Bill at the mm podcast.com.

Okay. I said it three times. If you can't figure it out, go fuck yourself. I'm starting to say go fuck yourself because if you're trying to email me to tell me I gave you the wrong email, I'm not going to get it. You can either go there or go or go or go to billbird.com slash contact and contact is spelt the American way C-O-N-T-A-C-T okay. Not the Hungarian way.

Is that a fucking moth? You goddamn cunts. I need a mother fucker by an old house that has such character. Hang on a second. I'm going to kill that fucking thing and risk losing all my PETA listeners. Hang on. Fucking mother fucker and into your life bitch, yeah, that's it, that's what happened. That's how that ended.

All right. I'm back. One less moth in the house trying to eat my fucking sweaters. The moth balls work or that's like ice cubes in the drink of moths because I swear to God I got moth balls all over the fucking place and he's got, it's like, I think they're throwing them in a highball glass as they fucking chow down my turtlenecks. I dress like Dick Cavett now. Did I tell you guys that?

Anyways, the contact link at the top of billbird.com is bill at the mmpodcast.com or billbird.com slash contact. Give me an email, you know, let me know you're listening. Do it. Don't do it. Who gives a fuck? Do you even give a fuck at this point? I think a lot of my listeners right now are just sitting with their hands, their head

on their hand just staring off into space and I got to be honest with you. That's exactly how I feel. I just don't have time to do this tomorrow morning. So I'm doing it right now. You know what I mean? It's kind of like when you're building a toy for your kid and you don't really want to do it. You know, you just plowing through it.

You're not even thinking about the joy he's going to have. You're just trying to get to step eight where you can just finish this whole fucking thing. You know, last week I brought up the different types of cock blocks. Last week I brought up the announcer, that guy who can cock block you from across the room. Second he sees something, you know, happening between, hey, what's going on over here? Look out for that guy. All right, that guy.

You know, then you got to slowly slide your hand back down and thigh back from out from underneath the dress. You know, you just, you just probably have a good time. So here's another type of cock block evidently this person named the 007s. This is the friend of the girl you're trying to hook up with or who acts like she's indifferent and acts like she's indifferent about heading back to your, or what? The friend of the girl you're trying to hook up with who acts like she's indifferent about heading back to your place or staying at the party, but is secretly texting 1000 reasons

to her friend as to why they should get the fuck out of there. That's the worst. That's right. Why don't you just man up and say, I don't want to bang you. I'm leaving. Um, so anyways, just cause she's not getting any attention, she's always got some stupid passive aggressive look on her face as she's texting and going on about why they got to get to Mickey's cause everyone's there, Mikey's cause everyone's there.

Yeah. And so we see, you know, is there anything worse the, you know, something, what do you think is worse? The guy, your buddy cock blocking you or the ugly friend of the hot girl, you know, Marissa, let's go. You know what I wish I did back in the day because I always tried to ignore that person and just keep working on the other girl. Even though I wanted to tell the, the fucking ugly one to go fuck herself.

It's always killed me that I never did because it never worked out. Once that girl's Marissa, come on, let's go Marissa, you've had too much to drink like that one. Like I just wish just one time. I just said, I'm sorry, no one wants to fuck you sorry or ugly work on your personality. Right. I might as well have done that because once that fucking goddamn, I don't know what something big and hairy, abominable snowman, big foot.

I don't know what if I was fucking not so sleepy, I would add something funny there. You know, once she starts fucking yelling, the Marissa girl is not going to bang you. You know, I mean, she ain't going to bang you or maybe you should just lean into Marissa and just be like, Hey, let me ask you a question. Why do you hang out with such ugly women? You know, what's your deal? What are you insecure or something? No, you can't say what are you insecure?

You got to keep it about the other one. Do you have any good looking friends? Just something, just something so you can go down, swing it. I have no idea. Why am I excited about the baseball season start? I haven't watched baseball since David Ortiz flunked some tests and I was like, you know what? Fuck this.

For some reason, I'm excited about baseball. I don't know why that is. Well, Bill, we don't know either. Can you figure it out? Can you say something funny about it? Are you just going to just leave it out there? All right, this guy wants money advice. Jesus Christ.

There's no way I'm making an hour. This is 27 minutes in and I'm flailing. Absolutely flailing. Throw the damn towel. Which Rocky was that? What one was that? That was the one where Apollo Creed got fucking killed by the Russian. I must break you, right?

Those cheating bastards. Money advice. Bill, I'm an OTR truck driver. What the fuck is that? Off track? Betting? What is that? OTR?

I don't know what that is. All right. I'll take your word for it. I'm an OTR truck driver and have a problem with blowing fucking money like a politician. I have a wonderful fiance with a great head on her shoulders and she is great with money. Every time I see the bank statements, the balance is more and more. So I know she's doing a bang up job with our finances. Well, let me tell you something, sir.

You are one perceptive son of a bitch. He's seeing another bigger and I know that that must be a good thing. So what's the fucking problem you say? Well, like I said, I'm terrible with money. So I got one of them, I got one of them prepaid debit cards. He literally wrote one of them. I like this guy. He talks like Elvis.

And every Tuesday, payday, my girl puts $50 on there so I can get groceries. That way I don't turn into one of these fat shits that eats every meal out of the Wendy's. Out of the Wendy's. Oh, God, this guy's great. He's spouting down, loaded up ant trucker. We're going to do what they say can't be done. We're going to get some hookers at the next truck stop. We ain't going to wear condoms and shoot some drugs and we'll all get fucking AIDS and pass

it all around. Well, $50 is good for one week of groceries, but it's like pulling fucking teeth for extra money like say for drinks or some rubbers. No, like for drinks or some extracurriculars. Am I an asshole for thinking I deserve a few extra bucks or what the fuck, Bill? By the way, Naya has a sexy fucking voice and go fuck yourself. Um, are you an asshole for thinking you deserve a few extra bucks? Absolutely.

The fact that that poor woman is legally bound to you and you, you have no concept of how to hold onto money. That would be like, I mean, you're a guy, like you're supposed to fucking earn a living to support a family, right? If you have no concept of that, that would be like if she had no concept of, of like how to have a baby or how to blow somebody. You know what I mean? Cause that's what their job is sucking dick and making babies.

Such an idiot. Oh, God. Imagine if I had the balls to run for president after doing this podcast for five years. How easy would it be to take me down? Um, dude, why don't you learn about money? Do you really just want to float around like with your fucking eyes wide open, just not getting it? Don't you want to understand money?

She's giving you 50 bucks a week. You know why? Cause you're too fucking stupid to get 60. And I'm sure you can crawl under a truck and modify it. I'm not saying you straight across the board dumb, but to not to, not to understand money is, I swear to God, dude, is one of the dumbest things that you honestly, and this is for everybody. It's one of the dumbest things you could ever do in life is I understand not understanding

money up to about 18, 19, but once you're to the point where you can go to a library, you can go on the internet and you can just, just read up on it. Okay. If you don't understand money, you're going to be behind the eight ball for your entire fucking life and you're basically going to be an indentured servant to credit card companies and banks and your life is going to suck way more than it needs to. Okay. I'm not saying that just because you understand money, money, your kidneys isn't going to

shit the bed, bad shits already going to happen. You don't need to compound it with not understanding money. All right. This woman is the best thing that ever fucking happened to you. You don't understand money and you want money for drinks and some extracurriculars. What does that mean an eight ball? If you start with drinks and then you say, I like how safer drinks or some extracurriculars like boozing to you, isn't even an extracurricular activity.

That's just, you know, let's like nourishment for you. So I'm, I'm assuming that extracurriculars is at least a bag of weed or maybe some condoms to bang some truck or whore, truck stop whore. You know, listen, sir, you got a great fucking woman, but she's only going to put up with you not understanding money for so long. Cause at some point she's going to want a God damn man, okay, especially once you have a couple of kids, she doesn't need you being some adult kid. So I would say read up on money and you'd understand what a favor she's doing for you.

If your bank balance is going up, you're doing better than 90% of the people out there. All right. So here's a good thing. You got a fucking angel and she's smart and just read up on money. All right. She's also keeping in shape. Go buy groceries. Don't become a tub of shit.

You know, she's basically without you even realizing or possibly even her, she's laying down the gauntlet here. She's basically saying in her own cute way, I don't want to be married to some fat broke trucker. All right. So read up on money. Keep eating your fucking pears and fruit out there and, uh, and you'll be fine. Alrighty.

There you go. All right. Hyphenating name. Hey, Bill, my girl was thinking about hypo, uh, hyphenating, did I say hyperventilating earlier? I can't even remember five seconds ago. I'm just sleepy. My girl was thinking of hyphenating her name when we get married.

I'm not some archaic patriarchal nutcase, but I think the whole concept is absolutely ridiculous for one reason. First of all, I love that if you, if you even disagree with some fucking horseshit, a woman's going to do at this point, you always have to say, no, I'm not some cave man. Um, so anyways, he goes, I think it's absolutely ridiculous for one reason. Say we have a daughter and our daughter wants to be like mommy and get her name hyphenated, then she will have three names. If she has a daughter who does the same thing, she will have four names.

Absolutely ridiculous. Your thoughts. Yeah. I would say that women hyphenating their last names is basically the same as that's like their prenup, you know, so they can just drop you off, you know, if you get divorced, they can just sort of chop you off like an appendix, you know, like you're this thing that isn't really necessary, but for some reason it's still there, but you can live without it, you know, um, look, she's either marrying you or she isn't.

Okay. Cause I gotta be honest with you when I'm on the road and some married woman with a hyphenated name comes up to me, I think I'm 50% in the game. Hey, I'm not fucking Sarah and Russell. I'm just trying to fuck Sarah and why don't you drop the Russell tonight, baby? No, I'm just fucking with you. What do I think about that? Um, I don't know a woman with a hyphenated last name to me, that's a red flag.

That's a red flag that says to me that she doesn't want a husband. She wants a wife. She's going to be a terrible mother and she's going to focus on her career. That's what I think. And I'm ignorant, you know, what are you going to be Ephraim Zimbalist, Jr. What is a good fucking hyphenated name? Doesn't that check who, uh, that Raven haired beauty who married Michael Douglas? Isn't her name like, uh, Ephraim Zeta Jones, Catherine Zeta, Zeta Jones, Douglas.

Is that how she is? Or she just kept her last name? Look, if me and Nia ever get fucking married and she goes, I don't want to take your last name or I want to hyphenate it. I'd be like, you know, it just, you know, don't fucking, you know, don't, don't, don't pander to me here. All right. I just either you're fucking taking my name or you're not, you're not doing this fucking

hyphenated shit. Keep your own last name. I don't give a fuck, but our kids are going to have my last name because I'm the goddamn man and I'm stronger than you. That's how it's going down. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't, that hyphenating name thing is fucking weird to me. I think you should either just be like, look, I'm not taking your last name and just be

done with it. Or the hyphenating name is, uh, you know, I noticed that a lot of chicks, uh, on, on Facebook do that so they can get in touch with guys they used to bang back in high school and college so they can still be found, you know, that's what I think. So there you go. I think she's got a wild streak in her. I don't think she's ready to settle down. She doesn't want that barn door to close.

She'll go into the bar, but don't close that door. She's going to start kicking. Um, advice. Hey, Bill, I need some advice. Oh, I didn't give you any. What do you think about it? Yeah, I think it is fucking ridiculous. All right, just say, look, if I'm going to pay for your fucking life, who's kidding who?

That's what's going to happen. You're going to pay for it one way or another. You are going to pay for it. You have most of the fucking financial responsibilities and you're going to die before she does. That's basically how it goes. You know, can you at least just take my fucking last name and act like you're with me? Fucking unappreciative son of a bitch advice. Hey Bill, I need some advice badly.

Uh, I've got a fucking delicate situation I'm working with and I'm not sure how to handle it. That's what I got. This is how this guy's running. I like it. It's very conversational. I'm more pertinent. Uh, first, I'm 20, I'm a 20 year old living with my parents.

My 21st is the 20th. It's like a math problem for train leaves at 20 and the 21st is on the 20th mid April. I plan on getting a vasectomy. I do not want advice about this. Well, you're going to get judged. What do you owe you with those population people? I haven't gotten laid in about a year and a half story. Last Friday the ninth, there was a party at a friend's house, Kelly's.

Her parents were out of town and she was a senior and what did I say her name? Does she have age? Everyone was drinking a lot of fun parties winding down and we go upstairs. Saturday morning I woke up in her bed. We go to breakfast, had a real nice time. Saturday night I go over and no party, just great sex. I suggest a new position. She loses her mind, says it was the best sex of her life.

It's a great story so far. What could go wrong? As we're cuddling, falling asleep Saturday into Sunday, I casually suggest that we should never date and she completely agrees. Oh my God, this girl's a fucking angel. What could go wrong, right? Backstep a little bit. I broke up with my very unserious girlfriend and also a senior at the same high school

about two or three weeks ago saying I want a more serious relationship, completely true. The fucking challenge is should I try and keep this thing going or quit while I'm ahead? The only potential downside is if word gets out, it would put a lot of strain on the relationship with one of my extremely good friends, also my ex-best friend. Alright, so you're banging your ex-best friend's girlfriend. Do I need to read the rest of this? Yeah, quit while you're ahead dude, unless you don't give a shit about your best friend. Yeah, that's what I would do.

I would get the fuck out of it. Let me reread that again in case I messed it up. Sorry, I'm fucking half asleep here. The only potential downside is if word gets out, it would put a lot of strain on the relationship with one of my extremely good friends, also my ex-best friend. Dude, I can't do the math on that. I'm too fucking tired. You obviously, you're basically, as far as I can tell, there's a cocktail party right

around the corner and you're on just the other side of the wall banging the boss's girl. There's something going on here. Yeah dude, get the fuck out. Pull the ripcord. You banged her. It was great. You're young. It's going to be another, there's going to be others.

Don't worry about it. Alright? All I can tell you this, don't get a vasectomy so you don't have to wear a condom. Wear a condom. Alright? Definitely do that. You don't need that shit. Alright?

You don't need any of that shit that comes along with that fucking, what do we have to do? Guys, can I tap out early? You guys ever go sick early on a Friday? You go home? I got a tummy ache. I want to go home, right? Then you go down to the local bar and you start fucking drinking, right?

Then all of a sudden some girl in a jean fucking skirt starts dancing a little provocatively. The next thing you know, you yell in college boy, you're next, right? Um, God Lord, was that an accused? Yes it was. Uh, Bon Jovi car, everybody. I'm blown. Hey, you know what? I think it's time for advertising.

Oh, great timing on this one. Um, oh, Amazon.com, everybody. If you're thinking about buying any, let me just get through all the fucking ads so we can get back to the unbelievably mediocre level of funny that I'm bringing this week. Amazon.com, everybody. Alright, if you're thinking about buying something, not saying you got it, but if you're thinking of buying something, alright, on Amazon.com and you'd like to contribute to my podcast without it costing you one more dime, just go to Amazon.com, go, go, go, go, go, go to

billbird.com, click on the podcast page and look on the right hand side. You'll see an Amazon.com banner. Alright, one for America, one for UK and one for Canada. Click on whatever country you're in and the second you go there, whatever you buy, they give me a little kickback and I take 10% of the kickback and I give it to the wounded warriors project. There you go. Bing bang, boom, all done.

You donated to the podcast and you helped out the wounded warriors and I just realized you don't be fucked up is what if I got a Afghanistan Amazon.com and 10% of it went to the wounded warriors, you know, I don't think I'd sell on anything over there. Gamefly.com, everybody. It's the best way to rent video games over 8000 games, no late fees, cancel any time introducing unlimited PC play Monday morning podcast listeners. You get a 15 day free trial, 15 f and days of 8000 games free delivery to your house free right to your PC.

Okay. All you do is go to gamefly.com to activate the special offer. Look at that. Would you look at that because of me, you have the post office in your house. Okay. You're doing that while you're hitting pause on 8000 games. Incredible. If you go to buy a fucking beanie on Amazon.com, you can help out the wounded warriors.

You know, and help me make my garage doors wider. Everybody's winning. Um, here's something that's really been doing well, the skate fenders. People are buying them. People are sending me emails telling me they're loving them, telling them they're taking pucks in their foot and they can barely even feel it. Um, go to skate fender.com and type in the promotional code bill burr all lower case. No, uh, no space for $5 off skate fenders.

I highly recommend them. I'm playing hockey tomorrow night. I'm putting them on and I'm going to be a shot blocking motherfucker because I got protection on my feet. Skate fender.com. All right. There you go. That's it for those.

That's it for those. And oh, hey, did you see this shit? Did you see this shit about that fucking guy who's got that, you know, he went over to he went over to Uganda. That guy, Coney, Coney, 2012, you see that? You see how quickly they brought that guy down? This guy shines a light on the, uh, on himself first and foremost and how he and his child are dealing with it, which was really bizarre.

I mean, I don't know about you guys, but it was enough for me to see the boy soldier crying because he saw his brother have his neck sliced right in front of him, you know, and he goes from that to be a, now I'm going to sit my son down and tell him about this. Like, I didn't even get it. All right. So anyways, this guy shines a light on this bullshit that's going on over there and all of a sudden everybody's in an uproar or of a sudden everybody gives a fuck about Uganda and these boys soldiers, you know, then all of a sudden the United States government's

going, dude, we're fighting two boards. We can't even afford to fight one. Now this guy's bringing this shit up. Gee. It would be nice if something fucking happened that would discredit him next thing, you know, a couple of days later, hey, this guy connected with the film from that Coney 2012 gets caught jerking off in public. Was I the only guy who found that unbelievably fucking convenient?

I didn't buy it for a second. In fact, I tweeted, you know, back in the day they used to assassinate you. Now they just do this. You don't mean if they can make it look like we landed on the moon in 1969, you don't think that they think and make you anybody they want, make it look like you're rubbing one out in the fucking parking lot. I don't buy it. What that fucking douchebag was doing, not douchebag, that fucking self-serving cunt.

There we go. That's what I was trying to say. What he was doing with that film was he was putting pressure on the United States to go over there and fucking somehow insert themselves into that situation, which would have cost a ton of fucking money. You know, but there's no way to be like, hey, fuck those boys soldiers, you know, because of the way because of what it says in our pamphlet, you know, give us your or your week, give us your poor and we'll exploit the shit out of them and let them die of tuberculosis

in a damp apartment. And then years later, whoever made the most amount of money gets a statue made out of them. That's all in our thing. We can't look the other way with these fucking boys soldiers. So what's the easiest thing to do? Just make that guy look like a freak show. First of all, who hasn't jerked off in a parking lot?

Honestly, you know, who hasn't done that? You know, you're in your fucking girl goes in to exchange something. You're sitting there. You're bored. You can't get any radio reception because, you know, it's back in the day. You just say, yeah, I'm bored, right? You got a girl in your life. So, you know, there's going to be some sort of napkins in the car.

What are you going to do, right? You got the captain's chairs. No one can see you. This is taking forever. What if I rub one out, right? Yeah. But now everybody's got a fucking camera. You know, you know what's amazing is that everybody hasn't got caught jerking off in

public at this point. Everybody's got a camera in their cell phone. What I'm trying to say people is I don't buy it and it doesn't matter. I don't give a fuck whether the guy from Coney was jerking off in a parking lot or not. That doesn't change whether or not there's boy soldiers in Uganda. But what's great is, is then the conversation switches from what's going on over there to whoa, what's this guy doing? He's rubbing his dick like we all do.

And then everybody would be like, yeah, but we don't do it in public. Oh, so what? That makes you better. It doesn't make you better. It just makes you more considerate. Doesn't it? I mean, if you had two people and they'll both shoot in heroin and one person had the decency to do it in their house and the other person does it out in public.

At the end of the day, you're both drug addicts. So if you're really going to sit there and shit on this guy for jerking off, then you would have to basically be not jerking off at all, right? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm asking you to look into your hearts. If you have not rubbed one out, let he who has not rubbed one out in some sort of, no, you never jerked off at work. God, I'm fucking bored. Excuse me.

Let me go to the bathroom. Maybe they'll think I'm taking a shit standing up, right? Come on. If you're a guy and your arms are long enough at some point, you've jerked off in some place where you shouldn't have. You're jerked off to somebody you shouldn't have. You've done it. We've all been there.

Who gives a fuck? There's still boys fighting in wars over there. So you know, if you want to help out, help out if you don't, don't, but don't let some guy rubbing one out in a parking lot, change your mind either way. You know what they're doing right now? They're doing what women do when they argue, when they start to lose is they bring up other shit and they spin it into a different room. The next thing you know, you're arguing a whole different argument, an argument that

they wanted you to fucking argue so they knew that they could win rather than keeping the argument on fucking track of saying, listen, sweetheart, I don't like the way you fucking been dressing lately. Okay. I got in this relationship to treat you like a piece of fucking meat. All right. And lately you've been slacking off. Let me adjust my weight.

Maybe the funny's on this side of the couch. What else? What do we got here? Come on, Bill. You got another 11 minutes. Huh? You know, I feel like right now, like if I was in the Tour de France, I would actually, I would be in the Pyrenees right now.

All right. And my podcast is that one bald motherfucker with the bracelet and he just looked back at me to see how I'm doing. He's seen my fucking mouth hanging open and now he's going into fucking second gear and I'm going to lose this stage, okay, except the Lance Armstrong is my fucking podcast this week. If you didn't get the metaphor, was that a metaphor? It wasn't a simile.

Simile is like her as right? My podcast is like, I always want to say Greg LeMond. What a douche that guy is Greg LeMond. I still can't get over how he talks trash about Lance fucking, uh, all worth whatever the fuck his name is. What is it? Lance what? Lance Whitaker.

You only won seven bike races, Bill. What the fuck you ever done? Did I even even win a bike race in my childhood? You know, I tried to beat my brother one time in a bike race and that motherfucker always beat me because he had big legs, you know, and I had little legs, little bitchy legs and our driveway was a hill and so we don't, we lived on those busy streets. So we'd always have to fucking stop and then, you know, look both ways and then cross the fucking street.

So from a dead stop, I can never, I can never beat this son of a bitch. So one day we're racing home and I come up with a brilliant fucking idea. I'm like in second grade. I don't know what I'll cross while we're racing. When he goes to stop, I'll be already going up the driveway and I'll get to beat him and his fucking bojaks and thighs right up the goddamn driveway. And I swear to God, I turned around and I looked evidently. I didn't look well enough and I fucking pulled out right in front of a jeep and all I heard

was boom, right next thing you know, I'm fucking upside down and I vaguely remember seeing the bumper and feeling the heat of the engine and and then like, I don't know, like two seconds later, I was open my eyes and I was laying across the yellow double line on the road. I was out for like literally like fucking five seconds long, like because by the time I stood up to get out of the street, the guy in the Jeep had already got out this big son of a bitch and he was crying going, oh my God, I hit him, I hit him, I hit him. And he came up, he's like, I'll buy you a new bike.

My bike was all mangled and all I was thinking was my dad's gonna fucking kill me for fucking up my bike because that's how it was in the 70s. All right, I know if that happened to a kid nowadays, my parents would have sued the guy in the Jeep for everything he was fucking worth and then bought me a bicycle made out of gold and that guy's 401k plan, right? But this was the 70s. People didn't sue. People yelled at kids for being dumb when they did dumb shit.

So I was like, oh my God, they're gonna fucking kill me. My bike's all fucking mangled. And then I went to the hospital on taxi cab. All right, I told this story before. Remember that? I told you, I hit right on the side of the fucking head. It happened on a Wednesday. I remember it happened on a Wednesday because then I didn't have to go to school.

The guy said he has to go to school for the rest of the week. So I got Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday off. And all that was fucked up about me was on the side of my head. Put your fingers on the side of your temples right now, right? And bite down on your molars. You doing that right now? You feel that little thing that goes in and out? That's right where I got hit.

So it hurt to chew. So for four days I ate with a little spoon. I didn't know, I was just such, it was fucking awesome. I didn't have to fake sick. I didn't have to pretend that I was sick. And for four days, which is a goddamn eternity, I got to fucking chill out. 54 minutes. Oh, God, Jesus Christ, I don't know how you fucking people do this.

This is like, this is like your work week, isn't it? Just staring at the fucking clock. Hey, you know, I always make fun of how Bon Jovi can somehow sell out giant stadiums in New Jersey, but for some reason can't sell out a fucking Denny's in Oregon. I don't even know if that's true. I just like shitting on him. Somebody wrote and said, hey, Bill, I love the podcast. I know one of your vexing questions of our ages, why the fuck is Bon Jovi so popular

in New Jersey? I get that they're from there, but giant stadium. Anyways, he goes, I'm a US service member stationed overseas in Germany. When I first moved here two years ago, I saw a Volkswagen in my town with a Bon Jovi sticker on the side of the car. I thought, holy shit, that is one dedicated fan and wouldn't be funny if VW really made a Bon Jovi edition of the vehicle. Well I started seeing the car elsewhere in Germany and finally I Googled it.

It's real. The attached photo is a picture I took on the base of a VW Bon Jovi. Yeah. And it's not a sticker. It's literally like the emblem, like on the side of your car, if it says Prius or Monte Carlo. Right? Isn't that funny that Chevy named that car a Monte Carlo?

You've ever seen Monte Carlo? Monte Carlo, that's in France and it has like fucking, that's all the Illuminati money. And in America, it's some shitty, actually not shitty, it's a good looking car. Back in the 80s it was. But come on, you know, there was a poor man's caddy. It's a poor man's Buick. Anyways, they actually, it's the, yeah, like whatever, it's the make, not the make. Not the make.

What the fuck is it? They say make type. I don't fucking know, I'm sleepy. It's on the side of the goddamn fucking car. We got a picture of it, everybody. You know what I feel like right now? I feel like one of those guys who gives those double-decker tour bus guys, you know, and I don't know shit about the city and I don't give a fuck and somebody hooked me up with

the job. That's what I feel like. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I apologize. I take full responsibility of this. I'm going to do this like when an athlete blows a game and he knows the press is going to trash him. So he just jumps on the fucking grenade before they throw it in his face.

I take full responsibility for that loss and I didn't, I didn't get it done. I didn't get it done. All right, shows I have coming up. All right, you cunts. I'm going to be at the DuPont Theater in Wilmington, Delaware on March 30th. Or March 35th, 31st, 35th, Jesus, wake up, March 31st. The Calvocate of Humor continues. When Bill Burr shows up to Massachusetts own, Bill Burr shows up to the music hall in Troy,

New York on April 1st, albeit the Terry Town Music Hall with Paul Verzi, Paul Verzi, New Jersey's own Paul Verzi, who's a, he's a Jets and a Giants fan. He's one of those guys. Whoever's winning, he becomes the fan of them. April 27th, I'm doing a college gig and this is open to the public. This is very rare. This is a situation that does not occur a lot. Hence a rare situation.

I'm going to be at Concord College in Concord, New Hampshire. All right. April 27th. And I have all the links here on billburr.com. You just click on shows and then you click on the go button next to the gig you want to go to. The next thing you know, you go into the fucking show unless your girl gets sick and doesn't want to go.

And then you got to eat the fucking tickets or your resenter. When she falls asleep, you give, give her paper cuts with the tickets between her toes. June 15th, 16th and 17th. I'm going to be in San Jose, California. Vacationing? No. I'm going to be at the improv San Jose, California, June 15th through the 17th. And if that's, if that city isn't enticing enough, you could then like the grateful dead

follow me to another luxurious city, a place called Ontario, California, part of the inland empire that conquered the middle region of Southern California hundreds of years ago. I'm going to be at the Ontario improv on June 29th, 30th and July 1st. Those are going to be great shows because I hate that city. So I will be extra country and probably a lot funnier than I am on this podcast. And the last one I have for you, uh, for all you white trash people, anybody out there got a mullet. I got two, I got back to back, back to back now, July 13th, 14th and 15th.

I'm at the improv and West Palm beach. All right. And if that isn't white trash enough for you, I'm going to be in Orlando, Florida, home of Disney world, the Epcot center and, uh, the, uh, the day after pill the morning after what do they call it? Uh, Orlando, Florida, I'm with the Orlando improv, September 7th, 8th and 9th. And finally, I'll be at the brayer improv, September 21st, 22nd and 23rd. And I know what you're thinking, wow, Bill, those are a lot of club dates.

There's a lot of shows you're going to do there. You're kind of fucking old. What are you doing all those shows for? Well, I'll tell you why everybody I'm building up my new hour. All right. I'm building up my new hour. I was supposed to learn how to ride a fucking motorcycle today, but it was supposed to rain so they, everybody canceled it.

So hopefully next week I'll have some stories about me trying to learn how to ride a motorcycle or something. Hopefully I'll have something remotely, remotely funny for you people. Okay. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. And I think it's very fitting for me to end with the exact amount of energy I have right now in this tone of voice. All right.

Oh, YouTube video of the week for drummers out there. Why don't you guys look up the drew groove applied to the modern drum set. We'll have all these videos up on the, uh, I'm sorry. Billbird.com on the podcast page. There we go. I'm actually doing this right now with my eyes closed. Okay. I'm trying to think of an artist who used to perform with his eyes closed, Mitch Hedberg,

the great Mitch Hedberg. So that's sacrilegious because I'm about 190th as funny as that son of a bitch. And speaking of funny, Patrice O'Neill, everybody, I know I mentioned it a while back. I want to thank all you guys who went out and downloaded Mr. P. His CD was number one on iTunes and generated a lot of money for his, uh, his mom. And if you're going to buy any comedy or anything like that, I'd appreciate if you do that. If you would buy Mr. P. I told you guys, eventually I was going to tell some stories about him, but I'm still, uh, still stunned by the whole situation and I don't want to talk about it.

So at some point I will, but anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Please download Mr. P. Amazon.com, all that type of shit. Um, and that's it. So fuck yourselves. Have a good week. Don't take any shit. Uh, yeah. People are still boy soldiers in Uganda, whether or not that guy's rubbing one out or opening

his ass for the world to see. Don't ever forget that. Don't lose sight of what the real story is. Okay. That is all. Have a good night and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.