Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-17

Episode Date: March 2, 2017

Bill rambles about Atlanta, French rappers and the Who and Whom police.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going. Oh, it's Thursday. You know, somebody gave me shit the other day fucking talking about how, uh, you know, I always say Thursday it's payday. Like, oh, what kind of fucking job did you have where you got by always got paid on Friday? I always got paid on Thursday, whatever. So you're either getting your money today or you're getting it tomorrow. Right? We all know you're going to be broke by Tuesday. Right? Wednesday, walking around, you know, with your brown bag, you got to bring a fucking

lunch because you got no money for fucking to go out to the Roche coach. Hey, you packed the lunch. Yeah, you know, I'm trying to eat healthy. You're broke, aren't you? Yeah. Um, I can't believe the fucking money I used to blow when I was a kid. I used to make 260 bucks a week. Right? My only expense, I had, I had a car payment, 138, $138 and 62 cents. I still remember it. And, uh, that was it. And gas, that was making 260 bucks. And I was, that was my take home. 260 bucks a week. Right? So it's that 860 times four is 240. I was making over a grand a month and I'd be fucking broke every Wednesday. Fucking idiom. I swear to God, if I was a miser, I might as well have been a miser. That's what the

fuck I should have done. It's not like I was going out in the clubs and crushing it coming out with my fucking orange Afro. Hey, ladies, I mean, it was a shit show. It was Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. It was like Atlanta trying to win a championship. Oh, come on, Bill. Come on. The new Cleveland ladies and gentlemen, all of a sudden Cleveland wins a fucking basketball championship in the entire countries and the Cubs one. How nervous were you down there in Atlanta and Atlanta? You know what I mean? Atlanta. I can't even say it this morning. Atlanta. Atlanta. How fucking nervous were you? Cleveland wins. You're like, oh, shit.

All we got left the Cubs. You know, maybe if the Indians win, then they won two champions, Cleveland wins two championships in a year. The Cubs are still the fucking sad sacs at like 108 years or whatever. And then they went three in a row. The Cubs win it. And the entire sporting world just stops, turns around and stares at Atlanta, quivering over in the corner like, yeah, hey, guys, you know, for the record, the Braves won at 95. That's got to count for something, right? Oh, those poor bastards. You know, I just connected in. I connected in, where the fuck was I in Atlanta? And I saw this woman walking by and she had on a Falcons hat and I was like, you know what? Good for her. There's a real fan still

wearing the Atlanta shit, right? And it was a red hat. But then I also noticed that she was wearing red sneakers. You know what I mean? And then she was also African American and I was just, and I just assumed she didn't give a fuck. I learned that from Patrice O'Neill. The first time I saw him with like an Islanders hat on, right? I was like, oh fuck, man, you like the Islanders? He was like, what? I go, you like the Islanders? And he took off his hat and looked at it. He goes, nah, man, I'll give a shit. He goes, I just like the colors. He had these pair of fucking Islanders covered colored sneakers on. He told me, he said, Bill, black people don't give a fuck about, I mean, I'm not saying generally, you

know, here we go. The white guy, I got to fucking make sure I fucking say this correctly. He was saying generally, you're speaking, we wear this shit because of colors. It's not, you know, and he joked. He just fucking, he trashed me all the fucking time. So anyway, so I looked at her and I did that Patrice conversation, just popped into my fucking head and I was just like, oh, she probably just, probably just needed a hat to go with those fucking shoes. As opposed to white people, we're wearing the same fucking hat forever. It's all frayed and shit walking around with your cargo pants and your flip flops. I don't think I'll ever

get over fucking Northern Florida. I know I've heard a zillion jokes about it, but Jesus fucking Christ, Jesus fucking Christ. There are some characters out there. And what's amazing is it's absolutely gorgeous. And then there's people with like beautiful homes and money, but they're, they're, I swear to God, isn't me, there's no middle class. It's like when you go to a third world country, it's just like this, just fucking people living in this crazy poverty and then they'll just be this mansion. I don't know. Anyway, well, you know, probably didn't help that. I fucking went to the Daytona 500 bunch of yahoo's like me. And by the way, I fit right in. I fucking fit right in. I'm, I'm, you know, I don't

know. I should be more white collar, but due to some financial reasons, I had a very fucking money. I'm pretty much put it this way. I, it was, it wasn't until I hung up with a bunch of my Patrice stories here. I wasn't until I hung up with Patrice that I realized that macaroni and cheese wasn't a main dish. We used to have all of that shit. Macaroni and cheese with toast was a meal. And I fucking loved it. Get half a tray, just scooping that shit out was the craft. I've told you, talked to you guys about this chicken a la king on toast, chip, beef on toast. I fucking hated that shit. Chicken a la king was also gross. Um, those are the, yeah, you know, your mother's fucking working. She comes home. She's got

90 kids, opens up a couple of cans, throws it in a pot, makes some toast. Yeah. Um, anyways, chef, boy, yard D, you know, when I think back to this, we didn't know anything about fucking nutrition back then. TV, we weren't never really big on the TV dinners. And I remember I used to ask my mother to get them. I think they, there was something I don't want the fuck was called hungry jacks or some shit. Something had jack in it. It sounded manly. You know, the commercials all, you know, big chunks of turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes. And I was sitting there going, Alex, that looks fucking delicious. I don't know. We just never, we weren't, we never, we didn't, we didn't cross that line

with the fast food. You know, I remember steak comes, those were my favorites. I'd be sitting and I would be sitting, not paying attention in the last three periods of school when I was in middle school, junior high, whatever the fuck you call it, just thinking about the steak that I was going to make when I got home. That's all I gave up. That was, that was a game changer. You know, kid from the seventies, eighties, you know, you came home, your parents weren't home, right? Latchkey kid, you come home. The game changer was when you went from making something just room temperature or cold to actually getting the, you know, the next level, it's like moving up in like, uh, you know, army ranks or Scientology

or whatever, where you get to a new level of security clearance. Okay. You can use the fucking frying pan and all of a sudden you had a fucking hot meal. I used to cook those fuckers up, put them on white bread and then you had to eat it real quick because the grease, there was so much fucking grease from whatever cut of meat was it, squirrel? I didn't know what the fuck it was. It was such a shit cut of meat that the grease would just be coming through the bread. It was, it was fucking gross. Push it, put ketchup on it and shit. Sorry if I'm grossing you out. Let me get off to subject. Uh, oh, I gotta, I gotta address all the fucking who and whom police. Oh my God. That's like a whole cult within itself.

The level of fucking arrogance that people came and the joy that they had that I, that I'm not good at who and whom you would think that you could actually make money off of that. Like they had a hot stock tip or some shit. Hey, this fucking company is going to go public. You didn't hear it from me. This is one thing that I learned. I think I finally figured out cause people told me this trick before. It's like, if you can substitute he or she use who, you know, him or her use whom. So I'm like, to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking to? And I'm like, to him, I have the pleasure of speaking with. I wouldn't say that. That sentence doesn't work to she. Do I have the pleasure of speaking with?

I don't fucking get it. But then it's like, no, who are you speaking to? You would say to him, to her, then I was like, Oh, that's what they mean. I thought, I thought you just meant take out who or whom and plug in he or she. Who did this shit? He did this shit. I get it. I think I just got it. I think I finally cracked the fucking code, but here's the deal with who and what's the deal with who? Here's the deal with that shit. Nobody says whom out loud unless you're teaching an English class. No one says that. Right. It's always who, who the fuck do I, you know, it's not to whom am I speaking with? Who the fuck am I talking to? Who the fuck are you? To whom am I fucking speaking with? You speaking

to fucking him? That's why you said fucking whom. Oh, all right. Thanks, Jerry. Nobody says it out loud, but it's one of those things. If you, if you don't write it correctly, you know, if you people flip the fuck out and they judge you like you're a fucking moron, but I've never heard anybody, you know, that's, that's another one. That's, that's another like security level you go past. If you start out loud using the, not writing, okay, speaking and you use the word whom like you've alienated probably 80% of the population of my country. And I don't think that there's a bigger example of the gap between wealth and regular people than using whom in public. I always picture that. No, you know, it's something even that,

you know, because there's people that fucking rob and steal their way into the upper 1% and then they're just a fucking dope like me still. But if you're born, if you're born into that shit, if you've got some trust fund hanging over your head, if you're one of those kids and you have to learn how to fence, take a fencing fucking class in college to show that you're a gentleman, you know, you walk around with your date rape drug in your pocket because your dad knows a judge and can get you off and you wear loafers with no socks. Right. There's a bunch of stereotypes. I was speaking to that me and the, I got this fucking monster debate last night. She take this show. She goes, she goes, Hey, I take this show.

It's about rappers in Paris. You know, you ought to check this out. So I was like, I'm going to watch this shit. Right. So immediately they're showing these guys and they're rapping in French. I don't know what they're saying. So, you know, I'm trying to read the words. I'm a dope. It's going by too fast, but it sounds a lot like, you know, it's the same sort of point of view as a lot of rappers over here, which I am in a, the minority group. I'm getting treated like shit. I'm living in the shittiest part of the fucking city. A lot of that stuff, right? But it's flying by cause I can't read fast enough. So they got this fucking nerdy white kid goes to interview this dude, um, who's Muslim and he's living

in some part in Paris. Right. And he's talking about all of this stuff that's happening to him now. Right. And, uh, no, the first thing he talked about, he said that he was talking about how, um, he said, thank God that he found, you know, rap and he did that cause, you know, he could have gone the other way. He said, I could have become a bomb. That's what he said. So the white dude goes like, Oh, you mean like, you know, you would have blown some people up or something like that. And then the dude's basically like, I knew you were going to take it that way. That's not how I meant it. That's really offensive. And I, you know, and he's speaking through an interpreter, tell him if he's going to

come down here and talk to people, he needs to check the way he's talking to people, blah, blah. And I'm just sitting there going like, you totally set him up for that. That was like fucking entrapment. What do you think he's going to think? So Nia goes, well, he's not doing that. So, you know, he gets judged because of those actions of the few of the few. And it's just like, I understand that. I totally understand that. But at some point, you have to address the fucking elephant in the room, don't you? You know, like when I travel outside of this country and people treat me like shit because I'm an American, I don't act like that just fell out of the sky. I know where that's coming from. The

imperialistic way that we've colonized the entire fucking world, the amount of time we've sided with dictators because they're giving us fucking oil is they're repressing their own people. The amount of times we've been on the wrong fucking side of shit. It's like, I don't walk around like, well, I didn't do it. It's like, you know, as much as it's still wrong to judge me, I understand that when I walk out of the house, I'm no longer me anymore. It's teams. It's like Red Sox and Yankees. Okay. And you're, and you're fucking the hat, the team hat you're wearing is your skin. Okay. And people are going to judge you for that, you know, back when I had here and I came walking down the street looking like

fucking Richie Cunningham, you know, I knew that people were looking at me like that, you know, like fucking, but I can take this kid's lunch money, look at his fucking hair. Doesn't make it right. Absolutely does not make it right. But I to sit there and act like you don't know where shit is coming from. That's what drives me nuts. And it's like, I completely understand that on my side, to have empathy for that guy, but what was pissing me off was there was no empathy coming from the other side, being like, listen, I understand, you know, because there was no understanding of that, that rapper, that this guy is totally on the outside looking in. So he's going to come from this fear based fucking thing that

he's, you know, from the shit that he sees in the media and the media is basically you get judged all groups of people, you get judged by the Jerry Springer fucking group of your people. That's basically it. So with white people, we're either living in a trailer fucking our sister or where these lizard people shape shifters that live under a fucking mountain Illuminati is essentially it, right? There's a lot of this is, you know, but we were in a fucking hate group, we're in the fucking clan, we got a four wheeler, we're shooting a gun or whatever, right? And you got all those fucking stereotypes, which obviously is not a fair fucking thing. And I also understand that despite those stereotypes, the matrix

is made for white people. So I despite those, it really doesn't affect my life. And I get all of that type of shit. But I mean, I don't know, I just needed that guy in the moment to just be like, you know what, I understand why you said that, you know, rather than just immediately go into lecture mode, because then when you're sitting at home, I don't know if you like me, I just plug myself in. Well, who would I be in that scenario? Oh, I'd be that guy getting a lecture. So I just started saying all the shit I would have said back to him and it drove my fucking wife up the wall. She's like, why can't you just watch things? It's like, you know, I, what do you mean? Why can't the TV's interactive to me?

The same shit I do when I watch Wheel of Fortune and I make fun of every contestant and you're sitting there laughing your ass off and I turn it into this like a comedy show. You then get mad at me when I do the same fucking thing when I'm watching this other shit. And so I, we just made a truce. It's like, don't, I don't want to watch any of any shit with you that has to do with this stuff because we're going to end up in a fucking argument because I'm going to act like I'm watching Wheel of Fortune. Anyways, why is this thing bang bang and boom and all that type of shit? You know, having said all that, I completely understood where that guy was coming from. It's like, yeah, I didn't do any of that shit.

You know, I'm trying to get the fuck out of here. I've lived in this country my whole life and I never felt like it was mine. Okay, which is, you know, and this is the arrogant thing that I'm going to do, not even living over there. I'm going to chastise white people because we do it here. You can't do that to people. You can't have people living in the country, their whole fucking lives and they are American, they are French and all that. You cannot treat them like, yeah, but you know, you know, you're not real American-American. It's like, well, fucking neither are you then. You're European or whatever the fuck you're from. So I don't, I'm not, I'm not a fucking, I like to think I'm not a fucking bad guy.

I get all of that type of shit, but Jesus Christ at some point, you know, like I used to do a joke right after 9 11 and they started racially profiling Arabs and all that, which was completely fucked up and I understood it. But I never heard it. Like I just always looked at it like, all right, if 20 red heads knocked down some skyscrapers, you know, I'd expect to be getting some looks the next day at the airport. Does it make it right? But I wouldn't be sitting there going, I don't understand where I'm fucking. I completely understand where this is coming from and I don't like it because I'm an innocent guy, but I would have the empathy to at least address where the fear is coming from. And it's, I

think that if you just fucking do that, the other side can, can relax and maybe listen to your point, you know, because that's what happened to me when I watched that and I watched that kid all of a sudden get a lecture after that guy said, I turned my, I could have become a bomb and I just felt he set the fucking kid up and then I immediately went into defense mode, defending that kid. And I know, and I didn't even at that point sit and listen to what this guy had to say. So then I didn't learn anything. I would equate that to like, you know, when people make, try to make a point, like when people are trying to teach me who and whom so much of it started with, Hey, fuckhead, maybe you should try, but

how do I get past? Hey, fuckhead. I don't know. I like to think that there was a decent point made in there. I'm sure I'll get a bunch of shit for that. But either way, it was an interesting debate. You know, hey, how about those fucking Boston Celtics, huh? Beat the Cleveland Cavaliers. What a God's name is a Cavalier. There's probably some fucking fancy name for white oppressor. Wait a second. Cav. I know you can act Cavalier Cavalier attitude. Can you ever have a Cavalier attitude? And it's like a fucking like a good thing. Cavalier is like, that's like a happy go lucky upper one percenter. You know what I mean? Like if they were broke, they'd be, they'd be opi Taylor with the fucking stick over

their shoulder with the little, little fish hook on it, you know, just going to go skip some rocks. But all of a sudden, you know, if you Cavalier and you're in the upper one percent is a white dude, that means, uh, I don't know, there's a bunch of kids digging for fucking diamonds. I don't fucking know. Let me look at this. Okay. Hotty disdainful. I guess I was wrong. Hotty disdainful or supercilious. I don't know what that word is an arrogant and Cavalier attitude towards other offhand. Cleveland Cavaliers, is it anything? It's got to be something else. Are they really the Cleveland arrogant cunts? Is that what they, they name themselves? It can't be. That's got a horseman. There it is. Especially a mounted

soldier a night. Yeah. Oppressive, oppressive wire white guy. Uh, one having the spirit or bearing of a night, a courtly gentleman, gallant. These guys are arrogant, huh? A man escorting a woman or acting as their partner in dancing. All right, we're slowly getting to the NBA lifestyle here. They're coming out of the shower and all the whores hanging out waiting to get him is fucking magic Johnson used to say. You got chastised for that. These women, they're out to get you after the show. Um, that's offensive to women, not the whores. That's who I was talking about. Sweetheart, go back to your soccer mom cave with your red wine. Thank you. Um, okay. And it adherent of an adherent of Charles, the first of England

in his contest with the problem. It's amazing that I speak this language and there's so many words that I've just never seen before and have no idea how to pronounce. All right, as an adjective, haughty, disdainful, and that's super sillist, whatever the fuck that is. Um, offhand, that's a good name for a fucking dance. Like one of those meatpacking district dance clubs. I got down at surface sales last night. I'm a girlfriend. Totally fucking outdated. And apparently like, I'm not gonna get you out of the trunk. All right, offhand or unceremonious of or relating to the Cavaliers. That's a fucking lazy definition. Of relating to a characteristic of the Cavalier poets or their work. All right, I don't know

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Once again, www.youtube.com slash user slash Monday morning podcast. I'm going to start doing those city tours again. I'm going to make little stupid videos. I'm going to get that fucking thing going. Speaking of which, I'm going to be in Phoenix this week, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, flying in Sunday night to see the fucking Celtics. Isaiah Thomas and they pay against the Phoenix Suns there on Sunday night. I'll see you guys at the game. Oh, I'd also like to thank some people at the Tampa Bay Lightning for Hook and Me and Forrest Shaw up with some tickets. We got to see Nikita Chirov get a hat trick against the Ottawa Senators. It was a great fucking game, great fucking game. You know, Tampa Bay came out and it was like they were fucking owning them.

And then all of a sudden Ottawa goes, Hey, easy there, easy there. And then they took control of the game. And then after the fucking, the first intermission, I don't know, I don't know what sort of third time adjustments that they used. It's not halftime for all you non hockey fans who try to say that there's two halftimes in hockey. You know, that always makes me feel smart. I'm like mathematically, that doesn't make sense. There's a third and then there's two thirds through the game. And if you ever played pick up hockey three on fucking three, if you've ever fucking done that, and you look any of those no substitutions, you know why you would know why they take two breaks. Okay. Then I fucking lolly gagging around like a bunch of baseball players. They just need to

stretch once every seventh inning. They're sprinting. Someone can beat the shit out of you and just sit down for five minutes. Okay. You're going to need to take a couple of breaks. All right, let's talk gas monkey garage. Monday night's episode was the episode that they've been teasing the whole, the whole fucking season, the shit that you read about on social media before the season even started. The bearded wonder Aaron Kaufman came back from vacation and he fucking just, he straight up quit. It wasn't, he didn't give notice. Hey, I'll help you on a couple of builds. He was just like, I am out. It's been a great run. I'll fucking see you later. And uh, fucking Richard Rollins as always was hilarious. It's

like, I feel like I'm going to puke. He's only, he's only said that a few times during the series. And it's always fucking hilarious. Cause I feel like the word puke is kind of, that's like from my generation, like he graduated high school the same year. I, I watched the show a lot. I'm not a psycho, but he, he mentions all the time. He built that fucking, that mercury comet. He mentioned that he graduated high school in 87 and I should have graduated in 86, but we're not going to talk why, why I didn't cause I'm a, cause you, cause you heard, cause you hear me read out loud. It should have happened in 86. It was, I think I'm a year older than him, but puke. I just feel like nobody says that.

I never hear it. I don't hear it enough. And he's only said it a couple of times. He said it lat on Monday when Aaron quit, feel like going to puke. And he said it when he bought that Ferrari that had been in that major accident. And it was like his big, this giant investment, like 300 grand. He went in with the other, the fucking rich dude up the street who likes all the European stuff. I don't know why I can't remember his name. I've only seen him in fucking 9,000 episodes. And afterwards he was, he was so fucking nervous. He was talking about because I feel like I'm going to puke. I don't know why it always makes me laugh. So anyways, as a fan of the show, you know, it was like watching Van Halen breakup. It was like, ah,

fuck, now they're going to bring in, you know, some other guy who wasn't David Lee Roth, not shitting on Sammy Hager, you know, I'm just saying, you know what I mean? You like the, you want the original guy. So I was actually happy that they stay for the rest of the episode. So they were showing Aaron at his house and he was doing this build. It was fucking hilarious and everything fit. Engine went in transmission, everything fucking went and fine. And then he just got up and took a break and went over and was feeding his horses. And I'm just like, Oh, there you go. Although when he was, you know, he was trying to make this race car and he was taking all this shit out, you know, that they don't need so he can make it lighter,

watching him have to do that by himself. I bet that kind of sucked. But I'm just hoping as a fan that Aaron gets his own shows because I read a really good interview and it wasn't all this, he said, she said shit. It just seemed like he wanted to do more adventurous builds of cars that, you know, when you're not on a TV show, you know what I mean? You're kind of under the constraint. He was just saying how fast they were building cars, kind of limited what they could do. And I think that that was probably the reason why he left. Just got a little burnt out or whatever. But it's fucking brutal, man. I mean, that was the guy. So we'll see what happens. But I have faith, I have faith that they're going to find someone to replace him. And I'm hoping that

I'm going to get two shows out of it. I don't know, but whatever, it's definitely the end of a goddamn era. And I'm trying to think of my favorite builds that they've done on that show. I always liked the random shit that they did. I've mentioned this before, I love when they did that low rider. And I don't can't remember if it was one of those like a 85 Oldsmobile Cutlass or something. I love that they just gave Casey a chance to fucking show off what he could do. And he was showing all that different kind of instead of just painting it black or green. But I understand that they always say, you know, those are the two colors that's selling, you got to make your fucking money. But there was another time they built this car. I can't

even remember what it was. It was this white car. And on top Casey did this lace thing on the hood. I'm sorry, on the roof. I fucking love that. Didn't they have a fucking Lincoln Continental? I've always loved the random shit as opposed to the more obvious stuff. I love that fucking Mercury Comet that they made. Although I got to tell you, I like the fucking white and blue color scheme better when they first had it. And I like those rims better. But if they just did all the gas monkey shit underneath it and slammed it down to the ground, that's a fucking killer car. I don't know. I like weird shit. And my biggest heartbreak on that show was one time when Richard Rawlings bought that fucking cab over engine truck,

that Jeepers creepers truck. And I was like, Oh my God, what the fuck are they going to do to this? And then he just somebody came in like the next day, I'll give you an extra two grand for he's like, All right, fucking get out of here. And I was just like, what the fuck? I want to see him build more trucks. I hope they do. All right, that's it. So good luck to Aaron Kaufman. I hope I see him on another TV show or whatever. I should give a shout out to his, he's got, he has his own, he's got his own company, I guess that builds parts for believe it or not, Ford F 100s, what I have 68 Ford F 100. And I believe it's called, I think it's called arc light. Just look up Aaron Kaufman arc light. And you'll actually find that article. I should put a link

to it. It's a really good article about why he left the show. And I thought I was happy that it wasn't a bunch of mudsling and anything like that. It just seemed like it was time and he wanted to go in a different direction. So, so that's it. That is the podcast for this fucking week. No, it isn't. This is that's just me checking in on you. I'll do the real podcast on Monday. This is not a real podcast. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. You constantly enjoy the music and you can listen to an extra half hour of greatest hits from a podcast in a fucking Monday gone by. There's no turning back, even while we sleep, we will find you writing on your best behavior.

Turn your back on Mother Nature. Everybody wants to move the world. So anyways, I went up to see some family over the fourth of July to celebrate the birthday of this country. And as I'm driving up, I'm listening on the radio and evidently I looked up the song on the internet. It's a Carrie Underwood song who I don't know what she is. I'm guessing she's white because it sounded country and she had a little twang in her voice, but I don't want to piss off any Koreans out there. She might have been Korean is a song called Before He Cheats. So I'm driving along and you know, I'm driving my buddy's car. This is how I'm going to fucking defend myself that I was on a radio station. I was actually playing this and I was just sort of clicking

the pre-programmed radios, whatever. You know what I'm saying. I feel like shit. Cut me some slack this week. So anyways, this song comes on and this Carrie Underwood chick is sitting there singing this song going, right now, he's probably slow dancing, right now, and she's singing about her boyfriend. I got the lyrics right here. Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink because she can't shoot whiskey. Right now, he's probably up behind her with the pool stick showing her how to shoot a combo. And then they go into the chorus and she goes, and he don't know that I dug my keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats. I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,

slashed a hole in all four tires. And all I could think was, why don't you just break up with him, you dumb cunt. You know what I mean? What are you going to do? You're going to do all this shit, then he's going to get mad, and then what? You're going to make up after five days and then you're going to blow him again? I hate this fucking song and I'm going to tell you why because it's, I'm pretty sure it's a hit. It's on the radio, right? I don't know. And what I love about this is people will listen to this song and they won't even question the rationale of what the fuck someone's doing in there because so many people in life, myself included, you play, you're like powerless in life. You just play the powerless card. You know? Just get out of the fucking relationship.

I fucking hate this song. And this is one of these songs, too, where fucking women all get together and start singing, I'm going to cut my cheek to the side of his car. You're all a bunch of dumb cunts, okay? You fucking stupid. Just break up with the guy. Just break up with them. Not even to mention the fact that now you're going out there and you're doing damage. I don't know. Is that a felony? That's not a felony. I don't know what it is, but it's just a classic thing where a woman would listen to that song and at no point would she ever think, hey, maybe I could get arrested for this. I am damaging somebody's property. No, you got a fucking vagina. You can just go out in broad daylight. You don't even have to wear a

fucking mask. Do you know what I would have to do if I wanted to go out and go fuck up somebody's car? I would have to wait for the first of all, I'd have to make sure I had an alibi. It'd be like I was killing somebody. I had to make sure somebody could cover for me and say that I was fucking somewhere, right? I had to put on some goddamn cat suit and a fucking mask, right? Like I'm in that dead presidents movie. And all I would be able to get, I'd be able to get off one quick hit, right? One quick hit, unless I want to start carving it up like a pussy, right? But if I really was going to go out there and smash somebody's headlights, I could hit one and the second the car alarm goes off, I have to fucking take off and then run home, get out of my little fucking

little cat suit and then try to put on my pajamas. So when the cops show up, because you know they're going to find some sort of fucking fingerprint, I got to act like I'm not out of breath, like I actually have been sitting there for fucking eight hours watching TV. I don't know, I just, I can't stand, you know, it just reminds me of when that movie Fatal Attraction came out, right? And the amount of women who would just sit there and you see that movie, huh? Yeah, that's what you get. That's what you get. You know, there's no thought of like this bitch put a rabbit in boiling water. There's none of that. Women, they're out of their fucking minds. But that's not even the point of this. My point of the Carrie Underwood song, it actually made me feel like a loser,

because the amount of fucking times, I mean, I haven't gone out and fucked up somebody's car, but the amount of times, you know what is that song? Is that song, it's a powerless song. That's what the fuck it is. And I went through the whole lyrics to see if she breaks up with them in the end. And there's sort of an ambiguous line in the end where she goes, because the next time he cheats, oh, you know, it won't be on me. So that's sort of ambiguous, because it could mean because I broke up with them, or it could be because he doesn't want to get his truck fucked up. So I don't know, you know, I just, I just fucking annoys me. That song just annoyed the shit out of me. On both levels, where you got somebody,

it's like just break up with the guy. And your solution is, you know something, if a girl ever fucking cheated on me, that I would break up with them. I'm not saying I wouldn't flip out and give them a good fucking trashin' verbally, but I would never go and like, you know, throw all their clothes out in the front lawn and burn them. You know, why wouldn't I do that? I don't know why. I think a lot of it has to do, because I'd be fucking worried I'd get arrested for damaging property. Why do women have an exemption from damaging property? I don't understand it. Of a woman sat there smashing up somebody's car in broad daylight, because the guy cheated on them, people would be laughing. I would be laughing.

Everyone, it's a comedy. It's just hilarious. But if the exact same scenario was going down and a guy did it, it'd be the classic, you know, the cops come and they put you in that little, you get tasered and they mush your face into the fucking pavement. I don't know. I get it. Women have to carry a kid around in their goddamn stomach for nine months, but I don't think that gives you the right to go out and attack somebody's fiero. I really don't. You know, so why don't you guys just fucking relax? All right? You bunch of goddamn psychos. You know, with your, I'm on my period excuse, so three weeks a month, you're out of your fucking mind. I think if a girl goes, even if you were cheating on a girl, or on a woman, right, and she fucks up your car, I really

think you ought to be able to go up to her and give her a nice fucking two-piece combination to the goddamn fucking cabbage. What do you think about that? Right? Just fucking, just hook off on that fucking hair-teased head of lettuce on the top of her fucking shoulders, right? What would you go with? I'm really going to alienate a lot of my fans on this one. And I want you to know that most of this is not me advocating punching a woman in the face. Most of this is, I can't fucking sit in this stupid hotel room anymore. I can't fucking do it. I've had the goddamn do not disturb light on for like four days. They probably think I overdosed in here. I'm really big on that. Don't clean up the room. Beat it. You know, you gotta come in every three days and

change the sheets like I'm royalty. I change the sheets like fucking once every three weeks. Maybe. That's only if that's only if they're white and I can tell how filthy they are. That's right. Wrinkle your nose up. You fucking pompous broads. That's how I live my life. Jesus, why am I attacking women? I don't know why. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, if you could punch your woman in the face, you allowed two punches. What would you go with? Okay, would you go classic? Would you set up the overhand right with the jab? Would you actually waste a jab? You know, waste a jab. Would you go? This is just evil. All right, I gotta get off this fucking subject. I don't know. That song just annoyed me. I hate those fucking songs when women just just openly

talk about how they're going to go out and destroy a guy's fucking property rather than break up with them, you know, and it's considered some sort of justification, you know, rather than looking inward going, you know, maybe I'm a bad judge of character. What sort of qualities am I looking for in somebody and I'll date that? I mean, didn't the fact that the guy had a souped up four-wheel drive truck, didn't that give it away on any fucking level? Huh? I mean, a souped up four-wheel drive truck, carry underwood, you dumb fucking, what else did he have? Huh? A fucking earring hanging down with a lightning bolt on the side of it. Ah, this fucking song stinks. This is one of the, you know, I hate this song. This is, and I'm going to do my whole podcast on

this fucking song. This is going to be one of those fucking songs when I'm on the road and I'm hating my life, you know, and I just don't want to go back to the hotel room and be lonely and I'm going to go out to a bar and that song is going to come on and fucking four fucking twats with their ear piercing. I'm singing and I'm drunk. High-pitched voices are going to start singing every fucking word of that song. Like they like these fucking cunt badasses. Okay, and I'm done. All right, I'm done with that. I'm done with that fucking, oh Jesus Christ, that fucking song annoyed me. Breathe in, moss. Help me to the side. Help me make the most out of breathing. And I pledge you, nothing ever lasts forever. Everybody wants to. There's a room where the

light won't bite you. Only hands while the walls come tumbling down. When they do, I'll be right behind you. So glad we've almost made it. So sad they had to make it. Everybody wants to. Hey, what's going on? It is Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday. What is it? March 1st, 2009. Huh? In like a lamb out like a lion. I ate all that old fucking crap that we talk about. You know, I got to look at some fucking groundhog in the... What are they going to let that shit go? You know? Yeah, if the mall shows it's fucking left ball, then it's going to rain for the next nine Thursdays. Maybe he's got to dress up in a top hat like it's the fucking old days. You know what I mean? Some people are just

so fucking married. It's disgusting that they just... That's all just repressed like sexual energy. You know, they've been banging the same broad until their fucking uterus dried out, you know? So now they got to go out and they got to dress like fucking JP Morgan, waiting for some rodent to stick his fucking head out. And then they got, you know, if you're not familiar with the expression, they have... What is it? In like a lamb out like a lion. In like a lamb out like... I don't know what the fuck it is. It means, you know, if it starts off good, it's going to end bad. If it starts off bad, it's going to end good. That's how that would go. I am completely not even fucking prepared for this podcast. Usually I wait until about 45 minutes in and I let you

guys figure it out that the podcast is going to suck for this week, but I'm going to give you a warning. Almost like, you ever see like when a movie's coming out and they say, this film has yet to be rated. That means usually that means it sucks so bad, we're trying to keep it away from the critics. So by the time you figure out it sucks, you're going to be looking at your date like, oh, I thought it looked good. You know, I saw a trailer and I mean, how could it be bad? Will Smith is in it. You know, he's playing some homeless guy saving the world. Yeah, this podcast is going to suck. I just got back from... I was in Houston, Texas and I was so good in Texas and I don't mean comedically. I mean, as a person that I was just mind numbingly boring. Fucking, you know, I'm not

drinking, no internet porn. You can't do it. It's impossible. No, there's never an expression out there that says, beware of the man that has no vice. Isn't there? Hmm? Can I just ask you that? Can I just fucking throw that out there? You know what? This is why this sucks right now, because I'm actually fucking trying to pull something up right now that I have to play, because yesterday was probably the biggest fucking hockey game in the United States. Yeah, probably since 1980. That's what they're saying. I don't want to use that hack thing. Do you believe in miracles? Yes. I don't want to do that, but it was fucking huge. Evidently, 75% of Canada, they were estimating, was watching the gold medal game. And for all you Americans,

actually not Americans, all you people from the United States, the U.S. has a hockey team called Team USA and every four years they play in the Olympics. And we made it to the final round for the gold medal and that game was yesterday. I know it's a little obnoxious, but that's how I felt in Houston. If 75% of the people were watching it in Canada, I don't think there was more than 75 people watching it in fucking Houston. They just completely didn't give a shit. I went down. This is basically, I don't want to ruin it for you, but Canada won. They just played a better game. I think that they were a better team. Yesterday, I don't know what they did. Figured out their lines, but it was night and day since

we beat them the week before how they looked. They looked awesome. I definitely thought they were a better team. And what I liked was nobody really choked. There wasn't any bullshit fucking calls. Oh fuck you, Canada, with the offside thing. You guys got enough penalties. Shut the fuck up. I want to hear it. You won the game. But that play was offside and we did get a goal. But you know what I'm saying? But it was pretty much, it was free of that. And it went into overtime and I so wanted the United States to win because obviously I'm a huge, it was on two levels. Obviously I'm a huge hockey fan. But then secondly, the level with which Canada gives a shit. It is very few times that you get a chance to devastate an entire nation and it doesn't involve dropping

bombs on them. You know, like if we won that hockey game, I don't know what they would have been doing. Those people would have been slitting their wrists up there and their igloos. Sorry, I just had to throw some ignorant American shit out there. Like you guys are fucking smart up there smoking your cigarettes, sitting in a fucking Tim Hortons eating another fucking donut. What, you think I never been to Calgary? You never think you never thought I took that fucking highway up to Edmonton, pass all those fucking cows in the oil wells. Fucking guys. Everybody's acting like they're cosmopolitan all worldly, even these days. I'm getting tired of it. I'm tired of listening to the fucking hype about how fucking stupid Americans are. People from the

states here, not North Americans in general, just people from the fucking states. And then you travel and you run into the exact same shithead that you are with a different accent. All right, get over your fucking cells. But you know, I got to give it up. Got to give it up. They won the fucking game. So I figured I'd find the gayest version of the national anthem. I think this was, I don't know if this was O-Town or if this was Incinc who did this one. This is a tribute to Canada, our friends up North. Never harmed a fly. Never started a war. Like to pretend you're from Paris. Stop blaming the east. That arrogance goes right across the country. Stop with the down to earth because I'm from Winnipeg. I'm not buying it. All you guys, you look down on us.

Okay, I can't even listen to the rest. I got to leave it. You won the fucking gold medal. Go ahead. I bet you guys are tearing up up there right now, aren't you? Crying into your fucking, I don't know what, some sort of winter garb? Is there anything worse than acapella singing? What is the worst? Mimes or acapella? I think acapella. Leisha can't hear a mime. What's the deal? All right, sons of bitches, you won again. But by the skinny of teeth, congratulations, you fucks. It's a hell of a game. It's a hell of a goddamn game. You know, the best part was was the United States for those of you in America who didn't fucking watch it. Zach Parisi, whatever the fuck you say his last name is, he fucking tied it up

with 20 seconds left and 75% of Canada collectively shit their pants. And I was like, oh my God, it's going to happen now that they've soiled themselves. Oh, you know, they just fucking annoy me. They're hockey fans annoy me every fucking time it would come down, right? Anytime the Americans is doing anything good, there'd always be that fucking idiot wrapped in the American, the fucking Canadian flag gesturing at the fucking ice like the ref missed something. That's what I don't like about Canadians when it comes to hockey is they're fucking, you know, this is our game. Did we get pissed when the Blue Jays won the fucking World Series? All right, maybe a little bit. I was, you know, I don't fuck. I don't remember. You know, I did

realize that the fucking Stanley Cup has not been in Canada since 1993. You know, so maybe that's why they went so crazy. Hey, what the fuck did they do the medals, by the way? I kind of tapped out in the last couple of Olympics. They used to look cool. It used to look like an Oreo cookie, but it was made out of gold. It had the same sort of engraving, right? They had the like the Olympic sign and now it looks like you took the medal and you put it on the fucking railroad tracks. Somebody ran over it. You know what I mean? I don't know what I'm fucking around. Congratulations. That was a great game. It was great for hockey, but it was definitely all you guys out there were listening to me talk shit, you know, and enjoying Peyton Manning, losing the Super Bowl,

fucking up and all that. The karma came back around. I was devastated all by myself out in Houston and, but it was, it was still great, man. And, you know, I did make fun of Michael Wilbonds saying when he said, this is the best hockey out there, I got to admit, I got to admit without the, without the fighting, the, I don't know, do you guys like no touch icing, automatic icing? I liked a lot of it. I got to admit, I kind of liked the PG version of hockey. It was kind of nice. This is sacrilegious to be saying this, but I kind of, I kind of enjoyed it. You know, it'd be great if a couple of goons would make it to the fucking the Olympic squad. You're just so good. They put you on there. You just have like, you know, George LaRocque

versus, I don't know, who's the other big heavyweight that fucking who's that big goon on, on Minnesota with that weird last name that has like three letter B's and an N in it or some shit. I don't fucking know. Anyways, let's plow ahead with the podcast. This is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 1st, the rent is dual. And yeah, I had a hell of a fucking weekend out there in Houston, Texas. I want to thank everybody who came out to the improv and I had great shows Friday night that led into Saturday night and Saturday night, I think I might have had two of the best shows I've had in recent memory. They were just everything sort of clicked. I kind of, I was sitting in this restaurant

and this is, this is how clean living I am. Okay. It's right before seven. I'm having a salad with fucking chicken breast in it. Right. I got my laptop. I'm typing out this fucking script, finishing it up, drinking a glass of water, getting the shit out of the way. And I just remember like to having this feeling like this, this is what Tony Robbins does. You know, that's how he has that fucking psycho, terminally happy fucking smile on his face, you know, and I don't know, I realized some shit in that moment. I brought it to stage. I started riffing the whole fucking thing worked and I recorded it, but beautiful thing about the universe is when you hit something great happens, something else has to balance it out. Like I get to see Peyton Manning fuck up the

Superbowl and thus make me feel vindicated. And then two weeks later, a crushing fucking overtime loss. It wasn't crushing because they used to beat us by fucking, they used to beat us like seven to one. All right, you got to admit, okay, you Canada fucks. Remember that back in the day? It was a joke. Our hockey was a joke. First of all, 90% of the people in the league were all from Canada. Granted, they were only six fucking teams, but still. And you guys used to crush us and now we're breathing down your neck and you better enjoy that gold medal because I got a feeling that's the last one you're going to be fucking having for a while. How do you like that? Huh? You wait till fucking next year, buddy. Can you guys handle that shit talking?

All right. Anyways, so twice this weekend, I had incidents with people in the crowd. Um, and both of them were women. And, uh, I'm the first to tell you that I do have fucking issues with women, but the, uh, the first night, um, I was on stage and there was this woman right down. I don't know if it's stage left or stage right from where I'm fucking at. It's stage left. All right. So I think that's the proper terminology. What the fuck do you guys need to know? Stage left, stage right, you're in the crowd. You know, I go down to Midas. Do I need to know what fucking wrench they're going to use? I don't need. Okay. So it's stage left. All right. I'm looking down and, uh, this fucking girl, she's, you know, she's talking.

Continue on with my jokes. I look down. She's still talking. So finally I say, hey, it is sweet tits. Why don't you, uh, what's the problem? What are you talking about? And then she does the usual, you know, I wouldn't say she was attractive if she wasn't from a small town. She'd be a hottie, you know, just out of percentages. But, um, so she did the usual, like what? What? I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. You know, 10 minutes later, I look back. She's still fucking talking. It gets a little more heated. I basically went to her table about six times until I finally told her to shut the fuck up. And then, uh, I don't really even fuck her remember that all of a sudden next thing you know, she's hammered and she's getting kicked out when

I got like five minutes left in my show. So she threatened to sue the place and all this type of shit. Now usually that's the end of the night. You know, the whole crowd is fucking clapping as she's leaving because she's been fucking annoying. Everybody around them who paid to see the show. All right. So usually that's the end of it. But you know what this psycho did? She actually sent a letter to the improv and she tried to pretend that that she wasn't herself. She tried to pretend that she was an impartial member of the audience who completely agreed with her and thought that I was a fucking idiot. So I want to read you a little bit of this fucking letter here. To whom it may concern, I attended Bill Burr's first show on Friday, the 26th, and was utterly

appalled by his performance. I love comedy. Oh, this is what you always have to do. Whenever you bitch and you're not there in person so they can't see what a radiant human being you are, you have to then after you state your bitch, you then have to fucking show how easy going you are as a human being. So anyway, she saw my show. She was utterly appalled by my performance. And then she goes, I love comedy. And I certainly expect there to be rudeness, crudity, and what can be offensive topics. That's what comedy is all about. It makes it fun. That being said, okay, now she's established how fucking cool and laid back she is back to trash and old fucking howdy duty here. She goes, that being said, Bill Burr took it way too far.

And he was quite unprofessional to say the least. While initially there was indeed quite a lot to laugh at. Yeah, that was the part where you were sober, you fucking lightweight. That was the beginning of the show when you weren't fucking on your ninth fucking drink and you were actually paying attention to the show. So yeah, initially there was indeed quite a lot to laugh at. I had this person is trying to write as if it's medieval times. And I should be like fucking holding this thing like a goddamn scroll. I know that isn't medieval-ish, but she's doing that biblical thing where she's using extra fucking words to try to sound intelligent. While initially there was indeed quite a lot to laugh at. Instead of being at first he was funny.

Anyways, the show ended up being a complete disappointment. Okay, this is her complaint here. For at least 30 minutes he blasphemed God and the name of Jesus Christ. He outright degraded the Catholic religion. Alright, now that's complete bullshit. I only blasphemed God, the name of Jesus Christ and the Catholic religion for about seven minutes. 30 minutes? What am I fucking, George Carlin? I can't talk about anything but 30 minutes. Maybe you weren't so fucking hammered, you dumb cunt. You know, you'd have a better perception of how much time it elapsed. Oh, Jesus. Alright, let's continue. Although, okay, this is another thing. Another thing where she's pulling this move again. He outright degraded the Catholic

religion, although I do not belong to this religion. So now you're supposed to be like, wow, she's not even part of that religion and even she found it offensive. Have you guys picked up on that on YouTube at all? Like when someone wants to trash Obama, they'll say like, Obama is the worst president ever and then they'll write, and I'm a Democrat. You know, like you can prove it either way. Just trying to cut people off the past before they go, fuck you, you fucks, news watching, right wing, whatever, you know. Women need to shut the fuck up and I'm a girl. That dumb shit's okay. So evidently she was offended and she's not even Catholic. Anyway, she said it was offensive and what he said went on and on. Again, while this type of thing should be expected,

he took it way too far. And there was a young lady who like I and my friends was becoming offended. Yeah, of course she was because she's you, you fucking psycho. Can you believe that she thinks I'm this fucking stupid? And I know at this point it's probably not obvious to you guys, but wait till I finish the rest of this. All right, I'm probably going to sound like some maniac here, but I don't give a fuck. I said there was a young lady who like I and my friends was becoming offended and said a few words and said a few words to someone at her table. You fucking lion sack, a twat. Anyways, she said when he rudely addressed her, that's when I said, hey lady, I guess lady is rude. Hey lady, could you do me a favor and maybe look at the show at some point?

He said when he rudely addressed her, she told him that she was Catholic. That never happened. He had no apologies or considerations, just utter disrespect. Okay, first of all, she never said that I she never said she was Catholic. And if she did, she said it so quietly that I couldn't hear it. So how the fuck could this random fucking woman in the crowd hear what she said? Let's fucking think it's going to make me mad again. All right, let's continue after he finally got off that subject. His show just got worse. This is when she's on about her sixth drink. It appeared to my friends and I that he may have been getting heat from some of the audience and that he felt uncomfortable. This may very well be the reason why he continued to pick on the lady.

The lady. This is why I'm picking on her not because I as I'm doing my act, by the way, I keep looking down and she's getting some sort of martini thing that looks like there's a bear in it. I don't know what the fuck it was. It's one of those chick fucking drinks, you know, like what if we take root beer and stack a fucking roofie in it, you know, she was drinking those things. Okay, and so now she goes in this very mouth, he goes, this may very well be the reason why he continued to pick on that lady even at one point telling her to shut the fuck up. Yeah, I told you to shut the fuck up because you were talking the entire time you twat. Anyways, this is downright unprofessional. Who said that someone cannot say a few words to people at their

table? Do you see how obvious this is that this is the actual fucking woman? Who would give a fuck this much that you would write three pages? They were quietly speaking and not making any noise whatsoever. Oh, yet you heard her say that she was Catholic. On the other side of the stage, there was another table talking quite a bit more and they were louder due to the drinks, yet he did not pick on them. Let me just fucking relax here. This is even funny anymore. Like I totally lost, I've lost the whole humor in this. This is fucking making me so mad. They were more disruptive than anything, although he of course made jokes about it. All right, there was this table next to me. They were also drinking, but they were more doing that church thing where I

would say something funny and then they were sort of like fucking repeating it. So they were a little bit rowdy, but they were acceptable. This woman who was fucking out drinking everyone at the other table had basically essentially her fucking back to me to the point that if I fucking punched her in the back of the head, I would have got two minutes for boarding, possibly a fucking gay misconduct. All right, there's something for you Olympic hockey fucking people. Anyways, let's continue here. Actually, that would be roughing, wouldn't it? Let's say I took the mic stand and I turned it sideways. I could have cross checked her on the fucking neck. All right, here we go. We are convinced that his wrong demeanor was due to his discomfort after realizing that he had

offended some of the audience. In order to justify himself and ease any tension coming from the audience member, he said something along the lines of, don't listen to me. I'm just an idiot up here speaking. Pray for me, please. That was obviously a demonstration of his uneasiness. This is how drunk she was. What I was doing was I was telling people in the crowd that if they were religious, that I respected their religion. All right, I just had, I just personally don't buy into it. Okay, so I'm only stopping right now to say this because I know some of you, you get so religious, you get so into it that you can add, you get so holy that you can actually commit murder. You know, God's usually as a tool or, you know, vengeance. I think that was the line I used.

I said, okay, you shouldn't be getting mad at me. You should pray for me to help me see the light and everyone got a huge fucking laugh at it about it. Okay. And this lady is basically, oh, she's, I can't wait to email her back. I don't know. I've flipped flopped a hundred times in my head what I was going to say. You know, I just can't wait to, I think I'm just going to write back something really quickly. Like Ruth, you actually pretending to not be the dumb drunk bitch in the crowd is one of the funniest things I've ever read something to that effect. Basically, let her know that I know that it's her and I'll see you next year at the Improv, you cunt. Anyways, I'm very surprised that you're, this is where she tries to, this is where she tries to get me banned

from the club. I'm very surprised that your club hosted this comedian. It was a true disappointment. I am embarrassed as I was the one who suggested the improv when my friends and I were planning to on seeing a comedy show. I do hope that you will consider not having this comedian back as he gives your club a bad name. If this is, this had been my first time to the improv, I never would have returned. You might consider hiring some local talent. There are several good comedians in the area. We are good friends with one of them. If you like his name, I'll be happy to give it. All right. As for the lady who we picked on, she and her table were unjustifiably asked to leave. There was no grounds on having them escorted from the show right in the middle of it.

That's how drunk she was. She got escorted out 50 minutes into my one hour set and she's like, she was escorted out in the middle of it. Do you understand how drunk this woman was? I talked for Jesus, about Jesus for 30 minutes. No, actually it was seven minutes. I was escorted out in the middle. No, you actually escorted out 50 minutes into the show when you were on your fucking sixth drink, you drunk cunt. There were no grounds on having them escorted from, from the show right in the middle of it. Again, they were not being disruptive at all. This impartial person just wants to keep talking about how innocent this fucking lady is that she never met. If it hadn't been for Bill Burr picking on them, no one would have even noticed them. Can't you tell this is

just the fucking drunk argument they had in the crowd and the car and the ride home? The loud table on the other side though is the one that took away attention from his show. I do understand that it is private property and that anyone could be asked to leave at any time, but this was wrong to do. This is a wrong time to do it. I personally believe that she should receive an apology from the improv, but mostly from Bill Burr. That's clearly not my call. Just the thought, what a fucking I don't know. Did I take too long reading that fucking thing? There you go. You want to be a standup comedian? That's what the fuck you have to deal with. She's actually like a total fucking control freak. And what happened that night was she completely lost on all levels.

You know, it's weird. You become like a part-time psychologist as you're breaking down the crowd as a comedian and she sat at the power position at the table. The table is at like a fucking, we'll say like a 30 degree angle coming in, stage left. This is going to get technical. All right, you fucks, don't leave me here. She didn't sit at like the chair furthest away. If you sit furthest away, everybody you're at the table with has the back of their head to you. So then when you want to fucking talk, it's a difficult time. What she did was not only did she sit in the first chair, she sat on the first chair closest to me. So all she had to do was turn around. She had the whole fucking table's attention. And when she stood up, when she went to leave,

her whole table stood up like a bunch of fucking minions. You know, like you remember that dude who used to carry the fucking umbrella for Puffy? That's how they all got up. It was pathetic. And people like that surround themselves with fucking weak people like that because any normal people person, you know, think about that. All you guys listening right now, if your buddy was being a drunk fucking asshole and got booted from the club, would you get up and leave immediately? Stand up like the fucking general just got up. I mean, I guess maybe you would. Could you be walking? He's drunk. Maybe he's going to go fucking walk out and pee on a cop or something. I guess maybe I don't know. Anyways, you know, before I email her back, what do you guys think I should

write back and come up with something clever other than calling her a cunt like I did? I think I'm just going to write back something to the effect that I realized that it was her. And I don't know. I don't fucking know. Was that just a big waste of time? Should I not have been bothered with all of that? You know, I don't know. Then I had another incident with another fucking person. I don't know. I have issues with beautiful women. I really do. This is actually a bit I want to do on stage. And I'll just maybe I'll do part of it for you here. The basic idea. I just, I don't respect them on a certain level. I feel like I had to do something to achieve in life. All they had to do was basically they were born beautiful. It's really not an accomplishment. I guess you go to the gym,

you stay beautiful. Past a certain age, it is an accomplishment, I guess. But you know, I don't know. In order as a guy to get around beautiful women, you have to accomplish all this shit in life. And all they have to do to get to where the fuck you're at after accomplishing all this shit is basically take a shower and feather their hair back like Farrah Fawcett. And they're in the fucking VIP. You know, I also don't like them because I don't know. I don't know. If they're smart, if they're smart, they're absolutely stunning. No, I have to admit that. But you know, if they're if they're dumb, that's like it's like you got a Lamborghini, but you find out it has a four cylinder in it, or even worse, my fucking hybrid. Did that make

any fucking sense? You know, they have that one default emotion. Oh my God. And they give 58 different reads. You know, if they see something cute, like a little puppy, they're like, Oh my God. You know, if you do something sweet for them, Oh my God. They, you know, you do something that they fucking hate. Oh my God. Fucking idiots. They got three words floating around in there and they're in VIP. You know, you slap the fucking spit out of the mouth. All right, let's plow ahead here. This is the Monday morning podcast. And oh, also, you know, I don't know why I didn't think to say this. I have a new player. I've kind of abandoned Libsyn already. Okay, that was like my rebound girl

after I broke up with fucking gcast. It just didn't work out. You know, like Eddie Murphy and one of the spice girls, you know, but fortunately, I didn't impregnate luminosity, not luminosity. I'm sorry, just reading that lips in speaking of that, I let the cat out of the bag. This is something I'm trying to do is to actually go on the internet and rather than becoming even, even dumber than I really am, or is it more dumb? I don't even know. I know it's more stupid. It's not stupider. Is it? I have no fucking idea. But all I know is I'm trying to figure out basically how not to become more of a shithead online. And I would really like to start this as a new segment where is are there things out there that I can look at? I know

Ted.com. I love that site, even though I haven't been to it in a month. Ted like Ted Kennedy.com minus the rape and alcohol. There's one out here called luminosity.com. L-u-m-o-s-i-t-y.com. And it's basically games for your brain. And I'm telling you, man, it's fucking awesome. And I cannot even begin to tell you how low I scored on these things. You know, they got these things, they got everything. Literally, they got one game called like duck hunting, right? And what happens is a duck appears on the screen while simultaneously, you know, somewhere in your peripheral vision, while simultaneously on the screen, a letter appears. And then what you have to do is you have to click where the bird was and also remember the letter. And then when the,

then they'll give you a series like a lineup, usual suspect of letters, you got to pick the right letter. And then it's like wheel of fortune. You got one letter and you're trying to solve the word and it's the name of a bird. So you're fucking learning to look at two things at one time, process both of them, and you're getting better at wheel of fortune all at the same time and learning new names of fucking birds that you didn't even know existed. That's just one fucking game. Okay. So if we can get back into the ying and yang, the balance of life, if you want to somehow balance off nine hours of fucking going on to you porn and watching people get kicked in the nuts on YouTube, I highly, I can't recommend this site highly enough. You can sign up. You

get a free week of games luminosity.com L U M O S I T Y dot com. And then it, you know, even the membership is not that bad, but I don't know. I'm not the brightest guy, but I think I have good common sense and I have a feeling that in about 10 years after all the hot to get fucking six pack abs books have been written, somebody is finally going to focus on the brain and start to realize that your brain, like your fucking midsection can turn to mush the exact same way. And like, I definitely think my brain is not nearly as sharp as it was 20 years ago. It's weird because as you get older, you know, that whole thing, you know, you get older, you get wiser, you know, basically you're learning from fucking up, but you're not as sharp. And I don't

know. This is this, this, um, this site was the closest thing to doing like mental push ups. And they're cool. They're fun games, man. It taps into the video. I actually have a new found respect for video games where like, um, you know, I, I got away from video games because they were just eating up all of my free time. The last one I really played was grand theft auto part three. And, uh, it absolutely consumed my life. And the thing about that game was even after I finished the game, I had to get the cheats. I'm going to lie. I'm not going to lie to you. I had to cheat, you know, um, when I finally finished everything, I would still play the game and just go on those rampages and I found it to be like a stress relief. And, uh, but it was

just like too much. But after, seriously, after playing those games, I kind of realized that, um, look at me. I'm too fucking stupid to convey this idea. Just go to luminosity.com. And if anybody else knows any other sites like that or just something that, uh, can give me some mental setups, I would really like it because, um, I'm getting into that stuff. Like, I don't know if I told you guys, uh, this comedian, I forget who the fuck it was, told me about, there was some book out there that was saying, um, a great exercise to do is if you're like left-handed is to start doing things with you that you normally do with your left hand, right-handed. All right. I'm going to wait for you guys to finish doing the dick joke there. I can fucking rub one out with my other

hand. I might feel like somebody else. Hey, you guys fist bumping in your cubicles with that hack joke from fucking make me laugh in 1977. Can I continue with my podcast? Thank you. Um, no, it actually, I don't know what it does. It's, it's somehow, it actually makes you more, uh, God, I'm so fucking stupid. What is the word? Um, like say if you were playing guitar, say if you're, if you're a left-handed guitarist like I am, it's so pathetic to even call myself a guitarist, someone who attempts to play guitar. Um, I play left-handed. If you actually, if I were actually to fuck around on a right-handed guitar and try to learn to play something, if I then the, the second I went to the left-handed

guitar, you would actually learn it quicker. I have no idea why, which should be obvious at this point because I could barely fucking explain it. So anyways, I fly a lot. It drives me nuts. I hate flying. And so what I do when I fly is I actually sit there and I listen to music and I write the lyrics with my right hand rather than my left hand. And I've actually gotten like halfway decent at it. And, uh, at the very least I'm thinking of someday if I'm unfortunate enough to have a stroke, you know, my turnaround time is going to be incredible. I'll be rubbing them out. I'll be writing fucking letters, catching the drool with my opposite hand, you know? That's so fucking bad. Yeah, that's what it is. Join me, become stroke-proof. Or what? I'm not stroke-proof,

become, uh, I don't know, cut your rehab costs 50%. God knows nobody has fucking health insurance anymore. It could be a good thing. Right? Have I said anything funny in the last fucking 19 minutes? I have no idea. Somewhere in the middle of that letter, I got fucking mad again and all the funny went out the window. And I'll tell you the first rule of fucking losing a crowd. Well, I guess no confidence in having no jokes would be first. But other than that, it's just going up there and being an angry fucking psycho. Um, oh, I want to thank everybody for, uh, you know, last week I talked about women's curling and, uh, and by the way, I totally enjoyed the Olympics. I love the Winter Olympics and I'm sick of people shitting on them. All these late night talk show hosts talking

about how they're fucking boring. Really? Why don't you go do another lame monologue? Huh? About fucking that girl who got eaten by a fucking whale. Give me your take coming out there wearing a suit like you have a fucking war one before you had the goddamn show. Sorry, you know, I get heated when people make fun of the Olympics. You know, I was talking about how hot the fucking women of curling were. A little bit of flim left. Um, and somebody said, uh, was actually saying, like, I was trying to figure out why I was finding these fucking women so attractive other than the obvious that they were good looking women. This guy actually said, Hey, Bill, uh, beside the obvious hot women vigorously scrubbing the floor. I really set that up bad. He's saying this is why men find women curlers

attractive. I just blew that joke. He said, besides the obvious, hot women vigorously scrubbing the floor. I have to, are you so deserved a huge laugh on that? And I just fucked you out of it. I'm sorry about that. Um, anyways, he says, I have figured out why we love watching this so much. When they release that stone, the way they let it slide out of their hand is reminiscent of the way a skillful woman releases your cock after delivering a massive hand job. First of all, I hope you're a surfer because that's the only reason why I'm totally massive hand job, bro. Um, fucking massive hand job. Or maybe you just have a fucking bit. Or maybe I just, you have a fat cock. I don't know. So anyways, she goes, uh, they don't drop it,

don't push it, just let it slide out naturally as I go to sleep with my boxes around my ankles. Oh, I forgot that was creepy. I know I read it. I was supposed to just read the beginning joke because I thought the joke was fucking great. I forgot the fucking picture in his guys with those fucking insect looking legs. Some guys legs look like insects with that fucking hair all over them. Skinny fucking legs. We're a mess. Fucking mess. Um, like praying mantis legs. Anyways, um, a long time ago I talked about unacceptable. This is when, you know, the podcast sucks when I'm just plowing from fucking topic to topic and there's just no sort of, uh, no segue other than dead silence. Um, let's go to YouTube videos for the week. Let's go over here.

You know, I feel like the fucking dumb fuck on, uh, on like jeopardy when there's like five difficult topics and one easy ones, you know, great scientists, architecture, medieval, whatever. And let's go. Let's go with, uh, developments in, uh, lawn chairs for 100. That's not even easy. Is it? I'm too far. I'm just too dumb. I'm too fucking dumb. Whatever. You know what? I played those brain games. I'm too stupid this week. Here's a YouTube video to look up. Look up Dushoff, D O U C H E O F F, uh, Dushoff. Maybe you'll find that humorous. I can't remember if I did. I think I did. I believe I did because I left it there. Um, bad wedding stories.

This is another topic. Who the fuck do I sound like I'm doing right now? Didn't somebody do a Bob Dole impression? Like, I don't fucking know. Just the worst. Can I tap out at this fucking point? 37 minutes in, uh, bad wedding stories. Um, hey, Bill, I haven't listened to your podcast since the beginning, decided it was about time I emailed you and told you how much I enjoy it. Thank you very much. Um, okay, let's get to the, uh, let's get to the marriage thing. Um, okay, I got a marriage story when I was 23. I was dating a girl and she got pregnant. Uh, dude. Okay. Uh, so we decided to get married. Okay. Stupid fucking move. Number two,

even though a month before this, I was thinking about dumping her ass. Stupid mistake. Number three, actually that was the smart move. That was, that was the three card Monty right there. Don't knock her up. Don't fucking marry her. Wait, knock her up, marry her, dump her ass. You know, which one had the marble? You fucked up. All right. So all the plans are made. Our families meet each other. Okay. Just cause I, you know, had to do that stupid three card Monty joke and a desperate attempt to try to be remotely funny at this point. You know what it was? I have a blue windscreen this week. I'm going to blow that. I'm going to, I'm going to blame it on that one. You know, my fucking dog ate the orange one. So I'm going to blame it on the blue windscreen.

Anyway, so basically this guy's 23 years old. He knocks up this fucking girl. He decides to get married even though he just, he thought about dumping her a month before. So anyway, so all the plans are made. Families meet each other. Invitations are sent out, all that bullshit. So three days before the wedding, I'm watching some stupid movie where this guy tells his other guy that his dad told him before his wedding, it's never too late to change your mind to which his friend says, but you're not married. And I guess that's a laugh. So anyways, so taking this as a sign from God that I just happened to be watching this movie, I canceled the wedding. Great fucking move. All right, which suffice to say brought a shit storm into my life. The worst part is that I

actually felt so bad. I married the chick three months later. Oh dude, you were out. You were fucking out. So basically I was a pussy. Yeah. Yeah. But dude, that's a hard thing. You were dealing with a lot of shit at 23. Your parents were crying. She was knocked up. Yeah. I wouldn't say you were pussy. You gave him to peer pressure. Anyways, we were married for seven years with every year being worse than the year before. So we're divorced. So we're divorced now. So I guess I should have gone with my gut to wrap this up. I got a little gripe with with chicks. My ex used to ask me when the marriage was going down, if I could go back, would I not meet her, which I would say fuck yeah, I would avoid you like the plague, which she would say, but at which point she would

say, but you wouldn't have our two kids. Don't you love them? And then he would say yeah, but then I'd say, but I would never have met you. So I would have never had the kids. So in that scenario, the kids aren't even a thought. This of course would lead to a huge fight about my lack of caring. Moral to the story. Don't use logic when talking to chicks. All right. That's actually not the moral to the story. What it is is you got to think how women think, you know, which, you know, if you're lucky at some point when you're 90, you'll know, you'll understand 10% of what the fuck is going on in that brain. Basically, when she's asking you that, she was asking that I would guess one of two reasons. One, she was insecure that, you know, you knocked her up and then you married her and

you were gonna marry her, then you broke it off and then you fucking married her. Believe it or not, I'm sure that's not how she dreamed of getting married. She probably dreamed of meeting her soulmate and they were so hopelessly in love that everyone in the crowd had tears in their eyes, for they never found a love so as great as theirs. She could have been thinking that and she wanted you to reassure her or she probably was just banging you, you know, and didn't want to fucking marry you and didn't think that you were the one either. And all of a sudden she got knocked up and she's probably sitting there looking at the side of your fucking head one morning as you're eating pancakes trying to find where in the world she loves you, you know, on what fucking

level, you know, just watching your temples going in and out as you're chewing, just fighting that fucking urge to slam a toaster over your fucking head, you know, just wondering how the hell did I end up with this fucking guy? Why did I say yes to this guy? Why did I let him fucking drop a fucking load in me? What is wrong with me? And just trying to make the fact that you had these two kids just a justice enough, you know, that's what the fuck was probably going on. But I don't know, dude, you didn't really talk about how much of a nightmare the wedding was. That that was the meat of the story there, I think you had the beginning in the end, but what are you thinking as she's coming down the aisle? What is your family thinking? You knocked her up and then you

dumped her and you're like, Oh, fuck it. I'll marry her anyways. And you're only 23. They know you don't want to do it. Those weren't tears of joy, my friend. You know, what are you thinking as you're up there? You know, was your cummerbund like ringing wet with flop sweat as you was standing out? I can't imagine it. Oh, has anybody ever just ran out the side door? Because I can definitely see like, Oh, my God, I don't know what to say. How do I get out of this shit? And then just in a panic, when they started. Everybody's turned around looking. Where is she? What a fuck. Then I have some wedding music underneath this would have been hilarious. If I fucking prepared, you know, you're looking for the bitch, where the fuck is he? And then she comes around

the corner and you're trying to make yourself lover. And she comes around the corner and you just see that fucking face and you see those eyebrows that, you know, are going to be touching by the time she's 40 and you just fucking run out the side door in those cheap tuxedo bowling shoes. And you know what I mean? And you're in such a fucking panic, you know, there's no way that you're going to be able to get your car keys out in time, get them into the door, open the door, lock the door and get in there. And it's like, people are going to be coming out, running out of the church, like some fucking zombie movie, as you're trying to get your car started. I mean, the move there is you, if anybody does that, don't go to your car, you keep running.

Okay, most people get married in the suburbs. So head for a wooded area. All right, go online, learn how to turn your fucking cummerbund into a tent, hang out there for a couple of days, let shit cool off, grow a beard, come back to town, get some provisions. That point, you'll be so fucking filthy, you're just another homeless guy wearing a suit. You know what I mean? Just let her forget all about you. Then maybe they'll think that you're mentally ill. And then, you know, one day you just show up on your mother's front steps and she faints, her dad catches you and punches you in the face because he's a former Marine. You know, haven't we all seen this movie? I'm trying to say, run out the fucking door.

Run out the fucking door if you're in that situation. If you're in that situation. All right, Bill, longtime listener, first time writer. I got a wedding story to tell you. I'm 23 years old, now the 23 year old. I've been, here's one for you. Don't go to a wedding or get married at 23. They all seem to have bad stories. I've been to a few weddings and let me start by saying in this story, it wasn't actually a wedding I witnessed. It was a wicking, a wicking hand fastening. Okay, now, for those of you not familiar with the wicking religion, I just want to state at this point, neither am I. I can't remember if that's the one that actually has all those pagan symbols that, you know,

the Catholic church then said that they were devil signs according to the fucking Rosetta Stone or whatever that fucking movie was. I read the book too. What the fuck was the name of that? Da Vinci Code. Whatever. It was called a wicking hand fastening. And I know that because my sister didn't invite people to her wedding, she invited them to her hand fastening. That's why he knew it was a wicking hand fastening and not a wedding because she said, I'd like to invite you to my hand fastening. Jesus Christ. He said, if you're 41, you still don't know what a hand fastening is. Congratulations. Thank you because I didn't. So anyways, he goes, I'm 17 at the time. My sister's 23 or 24. We both still lived with our parents, her boyfriend,

an unemployed alcoholic living off money. His mom left him when she died. There you go, ladies. There you go. You don't have to settle for less when there's guys like him out there. Anyways, the fuck am I? Why didn't I make this type bigger? Jesus, what a flop this podcast is. So anyways, so this fucking alcoholic was over for dinner one night. He tapped his fork on the glass a few times to get everyone's attention. We were three feet from him and immediately my stomach knotted up because I knew this moron was about to say something stupid. You guys are fucking funny writers, man. Some really talented people listen to this fucking podcast. You guys write better than I do. Anyways, basically he announced his engagement to

my sister in front of my mom and dad, pulled out two Onyx rings, and they put them on each other's middle fingers. You know, I went to the Onyx strip club in Houston last night. How funny is that? Anyways, it was dead silent, and the look of repressed horror on my mom's face was unmistakable. It was so awkward. So I just started clapping, going, yay, quietly because nobody else joined in. Oh, that's great. Is that your role in the family? You're the person who always tries to make it better? Oh, God bless you. Anyways, it was just dead silence, and my sister and her boyfriend kissing each other like everything was fine. A few months later, I found out they were financing those rings and going into payments on them every week. My sister's collecting child

support, and neither of them have a job, and they are financing Onyx hand-fastening rings. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I can't believe there's more to this story. All right, here we go. Fucking knee deep. I got to go the rest of the way. All right, anyway, so I finally, it finally gets to their hand-fastening day, and they're doing the ceremony right on Newport Beach. It's in the middle of the day on Sunday in the summer. They didn't have, oh, they didn't reserve a piece of beach or anything. They just showed up and go, hey, let's have the wedding here. The family, we had, oh, fuck, I got to sit close to the damn screen. I can't read anymore. The family we have near the beach mostly all showed up. Oh, the people who live near the beach mostly

showed up. There were about 30 or 40 of us. None of us are dressed in beach clothes. Half of them are in suits and dresses. There are no chairs. There's not even an altar. Everybody's just standing around hot and they can't sit down because there's no chairs and they don't, they don't want to ruin their clothes. My sister shows up in an all black gown with a veil. The boyfriend is wearing like a tux with his face painted like one of the misfits. Kind of like a skeleton face. Jesus Christ. Sounds like the episode of the office. Anyways, they don't do any traditional wedding stuff. They just go right up front of the crowd with their Wiccan priest or whatever. The Wiccan priest is basically just a friend of theirs.

He reads a bunch of stuff from a book in some other language. My sister and the boyfriend are responding in some other language. Nobody has any idea what's going on. Then all of a sudden the boyfriend pulls out this crazy looking knife with a what? A hilt? I don't know what that is. Uses it to cut my sister's veil, then pokes the end of it into his finger until he's bleeding. He sticks the knife into the sand and wraps his bloody hand around my sister's neck while they kiss. The stoned hippie priest holds up his book and says something loud in that different language. I assume it was the equivalent of I now pronounce you husband and wife. I'm sure being a comedian, you've heard the sound of 50 people gasping simultaneously. Family members in suits and

dresses are just walking away at this point. A lifeguard saw what the boyfriend did with the knife, called the cop, and the day ended prematurely with him getting cuffed and driven away in a police cruiser. Jesus Christ. Anyways, thanks for the podcast. I really enjoy it. Jesus Christ. How about a fucking round of applause for that story? All right, I think I have to read up on the Wiccan religion. You know one thing I did like about that? I did like the fact that they just showed up and just decided to have a wedding and they avoided all those other costs. Because I wanted to say halfway through that, like, you know, they didn't have, they didn't reserve that piece of the beach or anything. And I was thinking like, well,

you never had to back in the day. You know what I mean? You just fucking had a wedding. It wasn't like nine zillion fucking dollars. It didn't matter where you were, but I guess you have to do that now because there's nine zillion people and bankers run the fucking world. Hey, speaking of that, did you get somebody sent me an email the other day? Evidently Europe elected a president. Do you hear that? Europe elected a president, not England, not France, Europe, the entire continent now has a fucking president, has one guy in charge of all of them. See that? Just like those 3D TVs that are only a few months away, that new world daughter is going to be available right down at the Best Buy coming soon, coming fucking soon. If you're going to read about the bailout,

Rolling Stone has a great article. And usually I try to stay away from their politics because they're so brutally to the left. It's fucking ridiculous. You know, they never trash Democrats or when they do it so like light hand, they're just doing it just because they trashed a Republican so bad they're trying to show that they're fair and balanced like those other fucking maniacs. Fox News actually has a store now when you go through the airport, which I think is hilarious. They sell water and that type of shit. So I don't know. It's going to be one fucking news channel. There's going to be one president and one fucking currency of money and you better do what they say or that's going to be the end of it, my friends. Anyways, if you want to check it out,

it's the Rolling Stone that actually has Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck on the cover. If you guys are fans of music, I guess they're going to be doing a tour together, which is unbelievable. They used to be big time rivals back in the day and now they're fucking in their 60s. They're like, eh, let's get some money for the medication we now need. And I guess they're going to be doing a tour. And with that, I didn't have time, you know, because I got a couple of weird weeks coming up, guys. I got to tell you this where I usually take Sundays off. So I'm flying home on Sundays. And so then I get a good night's sleep and I can give you a decent podcast. But this week and this upcoming week, I'm going to be at the Improv in San Jose and I am working

Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. So I won't be, it is a quick flight. So next week's will be a good podcast, but that's why this one was so late today. So I apologize. And I didn't get a chance to recommend any of the music that you guys have been sending in, but I'll definitely try to read it next week. And I finally have gotten into Pantera to a sick fucking level. And if you get a chance, download a vulgar display of power or cowboys from hell. And I actually used to play in this fucking, you know, garage band. And my brothers and some of their other friends used to get into thrash and I was never into it. I was more like into ACDC and John Bonham and trying to get my bass drum foot as fast as Bonham's. So I never got a double

pedal or any of that shit. Well, a few years ago, I finally got one and listening to cowboys from hell, I got to fucking get that down because, uh, I don't know, combination of Vinny Paul and Tim Alexander really make me want to play double bass and Alex Van Halen. Those are, uh, and I'm actually listening to Lamigod now. I don't know what the fuck happened. You guys sent me that old school fucking hip hop from the late nineties. I fucking devoured that shit. And then now I'm going into, into thrash. I don't know. I like all of it. I like all of it except country music. Oh, speaking of which, you seen that stupid song that fucking woman wrote about being a redneck woman? How she likes being a redneck woman. Okay, if you guys, if you got crushed in this economy,

if you want to get rich quick scheme, just write an anthem that celebrates being a complete fucking moron. And, um, and you basically tell people that underachieving in life is a good thing and people will absolutely love it. Like just sing those stupid songs where like, I'd rather have a bear and sit in my underwear than fucking eat a steak and visit other countries. Cause well, it's never going to be better than being right here with my fucking banjo and a bear and a tennis spit. All right, something like that. It has to rhyme, you know, and then you got to throw the fucking flag in there. I'll tell you right now, if, if, if, if country musicians ever did stand up, they would be the fucking worst comedian. They would be the exact kind of comedian I hate,

the one that panders to the crowd, which is what, you know, the ones that fucking sit there and they look at this guy, he knows what I'm talking about, right? Back me up ladies. You know, well, look at this crowd. What a good looking crowd. I give yourselves a round of applause for coming out tonight. God, I always love coming out here. This is one of my favorite cities. You know, they say that every town, so it doesn't fucking mean anything. That's what country singers are like. A lot of them fucking singing those songs about supporting the troops. I mean, I mean, you fucking pussy, take a chance. You know, you write a song supporting the fucking troops like, like any critic out there is now going to say like, well, you know, it's kind of hacky

chord progressions. I've heard that before. They can't because you're insulated by putting our troops in front of you, you fucking pussy. Unbelievable. I'd like bear and ice cream if you don't get the fuck out the country. I like, I like, I like bear and ice cream too. You know, he's got everything in there, but saying we shouldn't fucking punch babies. Don't punch babies and don't step on the American flag. And if you do, I'm going to punch you in the face. Everybody. All right. Thanks for listening this week. Sorry I was so disjointed and fucked up, but that's what you get when it's free. Huh? Oh, little Catholic guilt there. I do it for you. I did it for you.

Ooh. Everybody wants to know. Oh, the weight of that progression Cut big ever, let's go red And everybody wants to know. Oh, the weight of that progression Cut big ever, let's go red And everybody wants to know

Oh, the weight of that progression Cut big ever, let's go red And everybody wants to know Oh, the weight of that progression Cut big ever, let's go red And everybody wants to know Oh, the weight of that progression Cut big ever, let's go red

And everybody wants to know Oh, the weight of that progression Cut big ever, let's go red And everybody wants to know Oh, the weight of that progression Cut big ever, let's go red And everybody wants to know