Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-22-18

Episode Date: March 23, 2018

Bill rambles about blow, flat Earth and hair halos.

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An absolute paradise. And then it just stops raining. And then the sun turns all of that beautiful green shit brown. And then the Santa Ana winds over. They fucking like a giant nature's hairdryer. Just heats the stuff up and then we have our fires. And it's totally 100% normal. And every fucking year, when this place is burning down, somebody from back east always has to call me up and be like, Dude, you alright? What's up with those fires out there? It's what the fuck happens? Do I call up people in Buffalo every year? Dude, you alright with that lake effect snow? What's up with that? What's up with Niagara Falls? I mean, somebody should put a fence there. Somebody's gotta go over.

Everywhere you live, there's something that makes, you gotta pay a price. 70 degrees and gorgeous. Every fucking day. You guys have seen me since I've moved out here. You've seen just the JFK level, beautiful tan, golden, golden brown ginger that I am when I come to your shows. When I was living on the east coast, I mean, I was just like, it was like a fucking Casper, the friendly ghost. If he actually got in shape, the fat fuck. Granted, my head was the same size as this, you know. But ever since I moved out here, man, I'm telling you, people have really commented. Like Bill, for the first time in your life, he actually looked human.

No, I'm still, pasty as ever. Black and as ugly as ever, right? That's my biggie fucking line. Pasty and as freckled as ever. Anyways, yes, so this is one of these days. We just want to stay in and eat some stew. You know, I love cooking, but I really hate the fucking music on every how to cook video. Why does it have to be just, it's so fucking like perky and everything's going to be great? You know, while I can't, you know, and you ever work in a fucking restaurant in the kitchen? I don't mean being the fucking good looking fucking douche who invites everybody into the restaurant. Hi, how are you? Maybe you'll fuck me if you order the right fucking food. You know, not that person.

I swear to God, so much of beautiful women's game is giving you hope. How far they can get in the game? How many times they can go around the board and collect $200? Just on hope. It's fucking incredible. Anyways, I'm talking about, did you ever work in the fucking kitchen? All right? Everybody back there, you know, half the people there, if they don't have a record, they're about ready to get arrested for something. There's always some sort of drugs going on. There's a lot of degenerates in the cooking industry. I just don't understand. Well, maybe that's why they have such pleasant fucking music.

They always have it staged. It's always this giant fucking kitchen and somebody's just at home and they're always just like, I love making toast. You know, when I was a little girl, just toast to me was just, I mean, it just brought the family together. The sound of my mom pushing the toaster button down. The smell of the bread slowly crunching my dog muffin at my feet. I figured on a rainy fucking Thursday afternoon, we could recreate some of that, you know? I just wanted somebody to make a fucking pork chop on YouTube and talk about how much blow they did in the fucking 80s. And now they can't even remember, they can't even believe that they can remember the difference between pork and poultry. They both begin with P and my drug dealers last name was Phillips.

So it's very confusing time for me, but as far as I remember, sorry. Anyways, I worked last night. I was down at the comedy and magic club on Hermosa Beach, speaking of my lovely non-existent tan. Donald Trump literally looks like he has a halo of hair on his fucking head. I just don't understand. Why doesn't he just think the hair plugs are incredible now? Just take your shit from the back and paratroop that shit. I don't know. It's like he has that. Remember when Justin Bieber had like that comb over haircut? Which I really found offensive as a balding man, you know, that someone would mock my situation with a full head of hair. And I'll be honest with you, I don't think I ever quite forgave him for that.

Anyways, I'm sorry. I'm all over the fucking map here. What was I just talking about? I was talking about people doing blow in the backs of kitchens, right? No, it was past that. All right, you know what? It just, oh, I was down Hermosa Beach doing a show with Bobby Collins. Bobby Collins, we did a show down there to raise some money for a great charity, went down there, tried out a bunch of new stuff. If you guys are in LA, if you want to go to a great comedy club, I love that fucking place. And the people who run it, and the level of comedy memorabilia that they have down there is incredible. I believe that guy told me that he has something of George Collins that George wore on one of the specials, right? Like a window or something like that. I'm always afraid to say it.

Some fucking lunatic will go down there and try and steal it, but it's really incredible. It's like performing in the stand-up museum. Especially when you saw how old my jokes were. Sorry. All right, let's talk about the Boston Bruins, shall we? Bill, oh, Billy Freckles. I am back on the fucking bandwagon here. Jesus Christ, can somebody close the door when they fucking flush the toilet there? I watched the Columbus game, which we lost in overtime. I missed last night, which we also lost in overtime, but we still picked up two points.

All right, we got a lot of people out. Evidently, like the injury bug, is not only hit the fucking Bruins, it's also hit the Celtics. Kyrie Irving is messed up his knee. He was supposed to be out for a few games. Now they're saying it looks even worse. So I don't know what that means, you know. The Celtics are not disclosing how he hurt his knee, but I think we all know. Okay, Kyrie thinks the world is flat, and he was walking like it was flat, and all of a sudden he got to where it starts to go down a little bit. And, you know, it's like you ever walk down the stairs and you think you're at the last one and you're not, you know,

you miss a stair or something like that, or you think you're at the end and you're not. I think he did that walking around his house, just thinking, well, the earth's flat. I don't need to adjust to the circumference here. That's how he hurt his knee. That's a true story. But Ted Donato of the Bruins. Ted Donato. Havins! Ted Donato. Oh, sorry, Ryan Donato. I'm sorry, I'm old. Son of Ted Donato came up with the Bruins, his first friggin' game. He scored a goal and had two assists in a overtime loss, I believe it was five to four against Columbus.

It was great. What's his face? Bergeron was saying that he actually, when he was 18, played with Ryan's dad, and Ryan was just a kid and would come to practice and would skate around as a little kid, and now all of a sudden he's on the team. I think they said Bergeron's 32 years old. Yeah, right around that age, that's when that type of shit starts happening. You know what I mean? And it's like, you just remember somebody being like four years old, and next thing you know, you wake up and you're doing like tequila shots with that little fucking four-year-old, being like, how are you of age? When did you turn 21? And the person will be like four years ago.

You're like, you were 25? Yeah, I got a kid. You're like, what the fuck happened? And what happened was, is you stopped growing. There's no more grades. You're out of college. Once you're past 22, all right? That's this weird fucking phase. Until you get married and have a kid of your own, if you're like me and you just went all the way into your 40s and never got fucking married and never had a kid, you're living like this fucking Peter Pan lifestyle and you're like, you're still acting like you're 23. And then all of a sudden someone who was two is now 25 and they're actually married and they have a kid and you're like, what the fuck? What am I doing? And if you're like me, it just causes you to drink more. I mean, why would you sit there and like, you know,

as an adult and try to address just exactly what the fuck are you doing with your life? You know, but it's fun. It's fun staying out there for 15 years longer than you should have. You stick all the stories you have. Maybe that's why that pleasant music bothers me. Maybe those people who make those cooking videos, maybe they got married at like 25 when they were quote, supposed to. You know, so they didn't, you know, they didn't stay out there too long and get all fucking jaded like Uncle Freckles here, right? I'm supposed to mention this. Okay, second shows have been added for my tour, my turn in 50 tour this year. In the following cities, a second show has been added March 31st in like a lamb out like a fucking feature. March 31st, San Antonio, Texas.

Stars at night are big and bright. Deep in the heart of Texas. April 6th, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Late show added. Dude, let's go to pyramids and get the French fries mashed in. Why am I doing a Boston accent? Because I'm limited. April 7th, Cincinnati, Ohio. Late show added. Baby, if you ever wondered, wondered how you're ever going to get tickets to my show. They added a fucking show in Cincinnati to come on down and see my red nuts tell jokes. Sorry. Ben Hacken and stealing fucking material from openers, feature acts and headliners. Nashville, oh, Nashville, Tennessee.

Second show added April 21st. Let me tell you a story about a man named Paul Martin never kept him fit. Joey Blaine black people and screamed at the juice and made an evil flag. What you going to do? Nashville, that is. The predators and hillbillies. All right. Minneapolis, Minnesota. June 29th, late show added. Wait a bit. Bump bump bump.

What song is that? It's a Prince song. But hey, motherfucker, something, something, something was that soft and wet? That's my abs after one set up. Oh, July 14 fucking Portland, Oregon, man. I added an organic late show for all you gluten free fucking hairy concept there. July 17th, Seattle. Late show added. All right. In honor of the only guy left alive up there. I added a fucking second show in Seattle.

930 September 30th to those of you not in Europe. Denver, Colorado, second night. Second show added. Rocky mountain high, Colorado. Experimental aircraft, John Denver. You know, if he was wearing his puffy coat around his head, maybe he's still a third show at it. Sorry. Why am I making fun of John Denver? I always liked that guy. He was always great on the Muppet show. You know, it's not an easy show. Everybody says don't perform with kids or animals.

What about puppets? You know, I was always a tough one. You can fucking you're sitting there talking to a goddamn puppet, right? The TV screens on you in the puppet and then you're just you're sitting there and you're looking down. You can see the puppeteer. He's up there doing the fuck. He's down there doing the voice. And the whole time you're trying to remember your lines, you're like, that's what the guy who does fucking fuzzy bear looks like. So fucking weird. I never pictured picture. I'm looking like that. John, that's your line. This is the 12 take. Can you get through the fucking take here?

Anyways, I want to thank everybody who's been coming out. All right. And buying tickets to my show. I'm turning a half a century old. You understand that? Everything on me is 50 years old. It's incredible. This whole fucking mess of a human being has somehow survived for 50 years. Hey, Bill, hey, Bill, here's to 50 more. Here's to 50 more. Do you know how to do math, sir? Hey, people do that. Hey, here's to another 60 is to another 60. That would make them 120. This couple, you know, the odds of one of them making it there is astronomical. Forget about both of them.

Here's to another 60. When you say that, what you're really doing in a passive aggressive way is letting people know that they're on the back nine. They're going to die. Hey, Bill, here's to another 50. I mean, I guess I could make 100. I mean, what's the world going to look like at that point? A bunch of robots fucking telling me what to do. They got no sympathy for me. You think people don't respect human beings in this country? Don't respect their elders. You wait till the robots come around. Metal cunts are finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help. Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications?

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Okay, no matter what, you're going to fucking spend your money. I got 500 bucks to play with, I believe. Once you guys pick me some winners, I'm going to bet some money on the Kansas Jayhawks. That's always been my team. I really got into college hoops in the 90s and I just picked Kansas. They've always stuck with me. I just fucking lied. I just think it's... I don't know. I just always liked the Jayhawks. All right, Trump moves to crack down on China trade with $50 billion. I love how we have the Christopher Walken pauses, the weird pauses.

Trump moves to crack down on China trade. I can't do walking with 50% in tariffs on imported products. He's basically imposing this tariff, evidently, because in the past, he's claiming China forced, I guess, the U.S. to show them how we make shit. I don't know if this is true, but everybody steals, right? Everybody steals. You know, like it's like, hey Pepsi, where'd you get that idea? Hey, four-striped Dita, what's up with that sneaker? Nice design. Doesn't that look familiar? Doesn't that look familiar? Let me read this article here. Let me read out loud to give you an even more enjoyment here. President Trump took his first steps towards imposing tariffs on 50 billion in Chinese goods and limiting China's ability to invest in the U.S. technology industry.

Now you have the hiccups. I'm going to plow through the hiccups. Holding my breath. Is there a way to scare yourself? You know how you scare yourself out of the hiccups? Don't look at yourself in the mirror until the next time you get hiccups. In just that small amount of time, the amount that you've aged will scare the shit out of you. Alright? Maybe not. Alright. To invest in the U.S. technology industry Thursday, saying the moves were a response to Beijing's history of forcing U.S. companies to surrender their trade secrets to do business in China. Hey, you want to fucking sell that? Hey, you got to show us how you make it. It's Kentucky Fried Chicken. Do they have the fucking secret recipe now?

Do they have Kung Pao Fried Chicken? How do they do it? That's like their McDowell's. Oh my God, that's fucking hilarious. Let me ask you this. Why is, why, if this is true, right? Why the fuck is Trump blaming China? Why does he blame all those fucking corporations, sellouts, who turned over their fucking secrets? That's the corporation's fault. Why don't you draw a line in the sand, you fucking greedy cunts? Hey, if you want to sell that here, you got to show me how you make it. You know what? Go fuck yourself. I remember when I used to sell shit at theaters, and if they wanted to, like when they started, like, all of a sudden they'd be like, hey, well, you know, you're kind of using our theaters as a store, and then they would try to take 10%, 20%,

it went up to like 30%. I was like, am I giving you a fucking a third of this? Go fuck yourself. I'm not doing it. And I just thought I stopped selling shit. That's why I don't go out there anymore. All right, although I am selling a poster on this tour. Ah, I'm full of shit. The president-directed U.S. trade representative, Robert E. Lightenheiser. Jesus Christ, is he the great grandson of Robert E. Lee? They changed the last name. To announce a proposed list of products to be hit with tariff increases within 15 days. After a public comment period, the final list is designed to target Chinese products that benefit from improper access to U.S. technology will be made public. The end objective of this is to get China to modify its unfair trade practices, says Everett Essie Stat, deputy assistant to the president for international economic affairs.

Well, why don't they tell the fucking corporations to be, you know, to fucking have a little backbone? You know, get together and be like, hey, China, you know, you want to, you want to fucking sell these hacky sex? We're not going to tell you how we make them. You want to cut it open, try to figure it out, that's on you. But I'm not going to sit here and tell you. I don't know, who knows. Has he met with that guy from Korea yet? I was so excited about that. The two fucking world leaders that didn't get along with each other. Yeah, sit down and talk it out. You know, had some food, fight him over. Come over here, show him a good time, take him on Space Mountain, then left memories.

Then he'll be like, I can't blow that up. I had a good time. I met fucking Donald Duck. I went on Space Mountain. You know, I got a fucking handjob on that fucking Pirates of Pen's answer. Whatever the hell it is, the Johnny Depp one. I don't know. I look forward to it. I understand it. You know, I've been sending everybody that fucking Michael McDonald does Iron Maiden. And you know, it kills me the amount of people that don't get it. They're like, does he always sing like that? But they don't get it. It's like, you have to know Iron Maiden and Michael McDonald.

Do you understand? That's a wide berth. If you listen to what a fool believes and the cursing went on in their eyes. The mariner he wished he died. I mean, the odds for as much as people on social media always try to say that they have. I have an eclectic eclectic taste in music. Do you remember that on Myspace? One person said that and then all of a sudden everybody was using that. I have very eclectic taste. It was just this fucking way, you know, this deliberate, carefully planned out way to show how fucking interesting you are and open-minded, right?

Favorite albums back in black and Muppets Take Manhattan. I mean, I'm all over the map. Okay. I don't see color, man. I actually think that social media, as much as it's helped me go from the obscurities of featuring in comedy clubs to the heights of telling my shit jokes in three different continents at this point. I actually still think it's a bad thing. All right, because before social media, nobody said for me, there were way less fake tits. Speaking of which, by the way, I can't, I can't even figure out fucking Instagram. I finally, I posted a picture today and then I had to delete it because I thought like the next screen was going to be the thing where you write shit.

So my wife tells me, okay, you got to delete it. So I delete it and then I fucking. Oh, and then all the filters, what filter am I going to put on this fucking thing and it actually makes you look better than you are. You should see how green and awesome my shirt looks. It looks like fucking pea soup in real life, but in that one, it looked, it looked rich and bold and patriotic. The whole fucking thing is a lie, but I'll tell you what isn't a lie. The picture that I took. All right, with Henry Winkler, Stephen Roop and Alec Berg and Bill Hader was supposed to be there. We were at Nerd Melt on Sunset and they were promoting this incredible new show that is debuting this Sunday, March 25th. I believe at eight o'clock Eastern time and name of the shows Barry, it's about this guy Barry.

He's an Afghan, he's a veteran from the Afghani war. And when he comes back to the States, he becomes a hit man. One of his hits is in LA. He goes out to LA and it's a long story. He ends up catching the acting bug and he's trying to transition out of being a hit man and becoming an actor. And I can't even tell you how it's such a dark comedy. It's such a funny fucking show. I cannot recommend the show enough. They sent me four episodes. All right.

And I am Jonesing for the last four. The writing, the acting, everything you have to fucking watch this show. You have to watch this show. You do not. You come back on Monday, you fucking stare at the floor. You don't say goodnight to nobody. Pope of Granite's Village, anybody? What am I, some kind of fucking asshole? Well, bang.

So anyways, those three people and Bill Hader were supposed to be there. And I was reading up on everybody, because I haven't done a lot of these interview type of things. So I was reading up on Bill Hader and they said how interesting fact about him, he is the voice for the planet, peanut guy, even though he has a peanut allergy. So I'm sitting in the back thinking like, holy shit, I'm going to meet Henry Winkler. And my goal in this hour long interview is not once am I going to bring up happy days or the fonts. Right, Stephen Roots there. I'm not bringing up that fucking red stapler. I know both of these guys have answered these questions four million fucking times.

I want to talk about the present and how amazing this goddamn show is. And so I'm waiting for everybody to come in. And at the last second, right before, you know, I'm nervous to do this interview. I haven't, you know, he's a big fucking people. And, and Alec Berg worked worked on like two of my favorite shows. Kirby Enthusiasm and Silicon Valley, both high, high level comedies. And I was, you know, like I said, a little intimidated to meet all these people. And right before I'm going to go out there, they show up and they say, Bill Hader can't make it.

He, somebody put some peanut shit, like some almond milk in his fucking Starbucks coffee and his throat was swollen up. He's fine. The man is fine. So now I'm sitting there like, Oh, fuck, like I had so many questions to ask him. And I'm not talking to Henry Winkler about happy days or Steven root about the red stapler. What the fuck am I going to do? And fortunately, they were such great guests. They actually sort of carried me was on serious XM. And they was, I learned so much about acting and writing, just talking to them.

The through line with the three of them and just how open they were. And Henry Winkler has this, this, this combination that I've never seen. I think I've ever seen it. He's like the warmest, nicest guy while being unbelievably driven and just has giant balls. As far as like you go in there, you make your fucking choices. There is no wrong choice. I don't give a fuck if this choice acting choice is going to make me look stupid. I'm totally committed to it.

Usually people like that, that driven with that much courage and all of that, like literally they, they can be really abrasive when you meet him. You know, they're just pushing past you and he's like the nicest fucking guy ever. And listening to him talking about the like, and the fact that he went in and auditioned for it and all of that. He wasn't sitting there going, Hey, I'm a fucking TV legend. You should be happy to get me. He went in and auditioned for Steven roots. Steven roots. Another guy.

Same thing. Talking about you go in, you fucking audition, you know, and I was getting advice, you know, from other people going, Hey, man, you're at a certain, once you're at a certain level, you don't go in and read. You know, you should be getting offers like that fucking Hollywood shit. And I talked to two of them, you don't get better than those two guys. And they both told me, if you want the part, you go in and read for it. And I was just like, there is a fucking gem right there that I'm never going to forget. So thank you to the two of them for telling me that. And then Alec was talking about writing, which was fascinating to me because I've gotten to do it for the last three seasons on efforts for family.

And up until efforts for family, I always wrote for myself. So I heard it. I wrote it. And then I said it the way I heard it. And then all of a sudden on efforts for family, I hear it a certain way. And then we go to the table read and an actor does it another way. And there's a thing where you got to be like, you can't be like that asshole going like, oh, wait, you're supposed to clear your throat first and do it exactly the way I hear. You have to have that thing where you just have to be open to the way they do it.

And thank God, thank God, I think I kind of figured that out. Certainly with the fucking actors that we got on an efforts for family, it's like, I'm not going to tell these people to do anything. Any other way than the way they're doing it. But just the way Alec, I hope you guys, I don't know how it works. If you can go on serious XM and download it, the interview, it seems like everything, you never miss anything anymore because it's still available. But long story short with all this meandering is that show comes out this Sunday. And Bill Hader's doing all this like, you know, it's not just a straight up comedy. Like it's a really like dramatic, dark show.

It's, I don't know, it kind of has everything that I love. And it reminded me of one of my favorite comedies. I mentioned the Sicilian Times is like Midnight Run. And I just love that movie because like, it's crazy as it got everything was still rooted in a reality. And it had a lot of heart and all of that type of stuff. And I, and this show has that. I'm telling you, I'm calling it right now. That show is going to be a big hit.

And I hope you guys tune in to watch. Come on, it's fucking Bill Hader, Steven Root, Henry Winkler. I mean, you can't go wrong. You can't go wrong with that. And the rest of the cast, too, the actors in the acting class that he gets into are all incredible. All right, I don't want to oversell it, but definitely check it out when you're not betting with my bookie on March Madness. Oh, he brings it all around. All right, well, that's the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast.

Thank you guys for listening. Have a wonderful weekend. Your cunts, please enjoy the music. And then there's another 30 minutes of a greatest hits Thursday from, I don't know, Thursday, 10 years ago or whatever, four years ago, four weeks ago. I don't fuck. I don't know how it works. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you on Monday.

Yeah. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast and the levels are a little too high. Let me bring it down. Let me bring it down for you, mother fuckers. Hey, how are you? It's March 25th, a Thursday. And I know what you're thinking.

Where the fuck was the podcast on the 22nd? I was in Europe and I brought my recorder, but I forgot the wire. Yeah, so I fucked up. But you know what? We're going to get through this. My 14 listeners that I'm back down to over this, this rough seven week fucking period as I try to get this thing back up and running again. I do have a new web guy. And he has since uploaded all of the podcasts from the beginning of time, which is time began as far as I'm concerned in my podcast religion began in June of 2007.

All right, with one of my apostles, Robert Kelly, setting it up in his apartment. So all the podcasts is what we're working on right now. Okay. And all you guys, you sent me emails and everything and trashed me and shit. And I actually appreciate the trashing because that means you care. All right. So don't worry. Actually, by the time you fucking listen into this thing, when you actually find it, the problem is over.

Okay. But for those of you who are actually in the bunker and have been able to find this fucking podcast, basically, we're going to have it all up on iTunes. Right now I have like three different icons or whatever the fuck you spoke apps, whatever the hell you call them, you that you can click on. One is the old school podcast with GCast. The other one is the one that I did on Libsyn for like fucking three weeks. And I hated that. And now I have my new one that I created. I didn't create.

I paid someone to create it. See how the white man does takes credit. Anyways, that I paid for someone else to create that I will now take the credit for and banish the person who created it to some terrible duty like they do in the police. And I'll take all credit for it, but there's going to be one icon. Okay, this is what we're working towards and it's taken a while because we had to upload a couple of fucking years with the podcast and it's all going to be on one icon. And you're going to click on it's going to be the Monday morning podcast from right now all the way back to the beginning of time. And I'm slowly starting my own religion because those guys they don't get in trouble and they make a ton of money, you know, you fucking rape 16,000 fucking kids. And, you know, no one's going to jail as far as I know, maybe a couple people are.

I don't really, you know, I didn't really follow the story. You know, I just heard people talking about it last night at the improv and then I fucking threw my two cents in to the add to the misinformation. But anyways, all this shit is going to be it's all going to be under one umbrella. So it'll be nice and easy, big stupid picture of myself and we'll be back to normal. Okay, we had a little blip and our relationship. Okay, you know, that happens in all relationships, you know, every once in a while for a couple of weeks, maybe you move out, get your head straight. Maybe sleep on the couch a couple of nights. That's what's going on here.

Nothing else. All right, I haven't quit doing them. You know, you know, the one thing that has remained constant is I have been continuing to do the podcast. Granted, you know, two, three weeks, two, three days late on this one, but I was over in Scotland, Dublin and London, London, England. But before I get into all of that, a fan of the podcast actually started a podcast page where you guys can go on there and look at some of my obscure references or look at the words that I mispronounce or whatever else. I'm actually putting some questions on there that I want you guys to start answering and I'll read them here in the podcast. What's the name of the site? Good fucking question.

I don't have it in front of me. I'm winging it this week. It's mmpodcast.com, I believe. Let me actually do this right now so I know. I'm really going to wing this one. This is all going to be off the top of me head. Christ, that isn't even coming up. Mm podcast.

So what the fuck it is? Hang on. I'm typing with my middle finger. Enter. What do we got? You fucking cunt. That isn't it. How about the?

Oh, you suck. You know what? I'm the fucking worst. Is it really that bad that people can't find this fucking podcast when I can't even have the fucking decency to be three days late and actually be prepared? That's what it is. I got it. I found it. I spelled it wrong.

This is the fan page. It's themmpodcast.com. That's what you want to go to. And then you click it on and there's a picture of me and my fucking shaved head and a big fucking picture of Bigfoot. And then you scroll down and they got all the shit that I've been talking about on here and it's just going to keep getting bigger and bigger. That's what we're hoping for. It gives you something else to do rather than be at your fucking job hating your life. That's what this podcast is all about.

It's all about getting you through that first fucking awful week, which is why and me, of course, whoring my dates out and my stuff and trying to become a silent millionaire. What is a silent millionaire? I'll tell you what it is. It's it's a fucking term that I just invented. What do you think about that? You know, that's I could do that on this podcast. Oh, speaking of which, Robert Kelly, one of the creators of the podcast. One second, Bobby Kelly.

Nothing. I'm actually doing my podcast and I was talking about I was just talking about how you fucking helped me create the thing over in your apartment back in the beginning of time. I'm doing it right now as we speak, but your voice is up against my ear. So you're still, you know, you can talk about shit that we don't need people to know about unless you want to be. Why didn't I fucking have you on winning my podcast? When do you go back to New York? Oh, you fucking son of a bitch with your career. What's the deal? Are we going on a hike today?

That's the gayest thing I've ever said on the podcast. What's the deal? One o'clock is good. Let me finish running my mouth and I'll see you over there, right? Bobby, I'm doing a podcast and I'm boring people right now. I'm going to meet you there. All right. We'll go rollerblading afterwards.

Okay. I'll see you there at one. He hung up on me like he should have. That's right. I'm going on a hike with Robert Kelly. I'm bringing a fanny pack. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to wear a headband, maybe tie a bandana around one of my pasty thighs like Chachi on happy days.

Maybe I'll do that shit. I don't give a fuck. It's the West Coast. Nobody's paying attention. There's no reason to. You know why nobody pays attention? Do you realize we are at the end of the fucking day? Not only, not only in this country are we at the end of the fucking day.

Okay. The world. By the time we're done talking shit in a bar, the sun's already coming up in Japan. Starting the following fucking day, we haven't gone to bed yet. Is it any wonder everybody out here seems flaky? Do you know if I wake up at 9, 9.30 out here, it's already midday back east? Yes, Bill. We can do the math.

Well, some people can't, you know? So what is the fucking point of me getting up and watching the news or reading a newspaper? Because it's going to talk about yesterday and it's already fucking today. And back east, it's already fucking beyond halfway through the fucking day. That's my excuse. So anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast that I'm doing here on a Thursday. And I will be doing another one on Monday. I'll get caught up.

All right. Don't get mad. Don't act like you guys don't get behind in your lives. You know, stuff starts to mount. You know, you can't deal with it. So you take a pill and then the next day, you know, maybe I'll take two pills. And the next day, you know, you're fucking drooling on your fucking lazy boy. That's how it goes down.

I don't even know what I'm going to talk about this week. Let's talk about my trip to Europe. It was unbelievable. It was an incredible success. I don't know what the fuck it was. I don't know, as it went over, it had a great time and people showed up and I had a great time. The first place I went to was I went to, I went to London, England. And I've always wanted to go there and I have to admit, when we landed at a frow,

ah, yeah, I'm sweating here, roasting bacon, boiling. It's like a sauna. I saw him at a frow. Yeah, he did. He did mate. I saw him at a frow. Sorry. Every time I say Heathrow, I have to say a frow.

And then I just start doing lines from sexy piece because I love that fucking movie. You know, I love that movie because it's the best fucking chick flick ever. I've said this before and I'll fucking say it again. Okay, next time your girl's like, let's write her like a romantic movie. I'd like to see something, you know. We've just been watching too many of these action movies and it's like, I don't like them, but I just want something different tonight. Can I pick it up?

Okay, can I pick it up? Like you didn't fucking pick out every other one, you fucking twat. You know what? Let me step up to the plate, sweetheart. All right. Once you unbutton another button on your fucking shirt, give me a little excitement on the way to the fucking video store and I'll pick out the romantic movie. And you come out with sexy beast.

Oh my God, a sexy scandalous. This isn't like a nine and a half weeks. No bitch. It's a fucking love story. Why do you guys have to call me that? Because you are a bitch. No. Sorry.

It's a fucking great story. It's about a guy. He loves this woman and he has his own fucking place in the middle of nowhere and everything's going fucking great. Basically, if you ever watch a gangster movie, you know, one of the reoccurring themes to the point that now it's become cliched is there's always the guy who is just going to do one more job and then he's getting out. You know, same thing in the Vietnam movies.

I got one more tour, dude. I'm short. I shouldn't be on point, son. Right. And you know what the fuck's going to happen to him. Right. And I even believe the Wayans brothers in one of their movies made fun of those fucking around the way movies where there's the black guy kid who's going to fucking go to college,

you know, and he stayed strong. He didn't get in the game and then he walks up and he's fucking eating some ice cream and he gets shot in an alley or some shit. I don't know what the fuck happens. You know what I mean. So anyways, this movie actually is about a couple of guys who succeeded. They did their last job. They got their money and they got out of the fucking game and they're living in Spain.

They're married to a couple of hot fucking bros and they don't have any kids. So it's great. And you know what you do when you don't have any fucking kids and you're married to a hot broad, you're still fuck and your barbecue and you lay next to your pool. Going, oh yeah, I'm sweating here, roasting, baking, boiling, just fucking chilling out, having a great fucking time. That's where the movie begins. And then trouble ensues and go fucking rent it.

I love that goddamn movie. Every time I see it, it gets better. So anyways, we landed at Afro. Is this Stan? Sorry, this is getting obnoxious. Like the rest of it isn't. So we landed at Afro and we got in a cab, you know, and I started driving down the fucking other side of the road.

Oh my God, the stereo's on the other side. We really are in England. And we're driving through and I'm looking at England and London and you know what? I'm not liking it. I'm like, look at this fucking shitty town. I just, it just, it didn't appeal to me. And I think the real thing was I was jet lagged because I ended up loving it. But I was fucking really jet lagged and my girlfriend's going to kill me if I tell this

story. This is basically, this is basically what happened. I got a first class ticket over there, right? But it was basically from New Jersey to London, Afro, Afro. Airport. And this is what has happened my entire career. Every time I get a first class fucking ticket, which is rare. I get a first class fucking thing.

Let me answer that question before you get like, Bill, you were at the point where you fly first class everywhere you go, not even fucking close. Okay. Most of those people that you see in first class, they got bumped up because they fly so much because I'm going to tell you a fucking first class ticket is 1200 to 1500 bucks a month. All right. So if I buy two of those a month, that's like an extra, it's fucking three grand on my credit

card, as opposed to like fucking 600 bucks, 700 or whatever for two coach tickets. And you know, that adds up. All right. That's a month that's 36 fucking grand just so you can get on the plane first and fucking stretch your legs out. Right. So basically the only time I fly first class is, is if they hook me up. Other than that, I'll fucking sit in the back with my knees against my chest.

I don't give a shit. I got the whole thing worked out. This is how I do it. All right. This is how I do it. The first thing I do when I sit down is I take my wallet out of my back pocket because I'm one of these guys that has like nine years of business cards, bank receipts, cash, all this shit in my wallet and right off the bat.

This is so fucked up. It's, it's fucking on one ass cheek. So it's fucking messes up my back, my alignment. And if I sit it on, sit on it too hard, it's like sitting on a fucking stone and it makes me bum a little sensitive. So I take that fucker out. I stick it in my front pocket and then I just make sure every couple of hours I get up, I always get an ILC, which sucks because people are going to crawl over you.

But, you know, I don't like being that guy when I got to take a leak and the person next to me has that laptop out and then they do that. Well, fucking get a first class ticket, you douche. Well, get an aisle seat. Who's your fucking travel agent when you're sitting in the middle? So anyways, I get up every couple of hours and I do a little mini yoga thing down the back of the plane. You know, I just do, I got this little whole stretching routine that I do because I fly

so fucking much. And that's how much a first class ticket is that I would rather sit in the back with my wallet in my front pocket, doing yoga back near the shitter. That's how expensive first class is. So anyway, so I get this first class ticket from Jersey, Newark, New Jersey to London in April, going to April, London, England. And this is what has always happened whenever I've gotten a first class, at least half the fucking time, when I'm flying first class, it means I'm going someplace that's awesome

or the gig is going to be awesome. And what always ends up happening is somebody else wants to fucking go. And then they always go, dude, you're giving your first class ticket, you know, what was there anyway? Like, you know, maybe you could, you know, just take a buyout and get two fucking coach tickets. So basically, half the times I've gotten a first class ticket, I haven't gotten a fly first class, I'm sitting back there with with a manager or a fucking agent or who knows

what a buddy who wants to come along to go check out the gig because it's going to be awesome. So I never get to fly. So long story fucking short is, you know, I spent five months on the road getting ready to tape, let it go, which by the way, looks fucking awesome. I was just looking, that's my new special coming out. So anyways, I, you know, I never get to fly first class. So I get, I just totally lost my train of thought.

See, look at one week off of Lumosity.com and my brain's fucking up. Yeah. So this is the deal. So I get a first class ticket to go to fucking from New Jersey to London, right? And my girl goes, I want to go. Can I go? I want to go. You're going someplace fun.

She only wants to go to the fun places. She doesn't come to like fucking, you know, Pittsburgh when I need her fucking Madison, Wisconsin, she doesn't want to go on those. We're going to Miami. Then all of a sudden it's like, Oh my God, I love Miami. Of course you do. Who doesn't? What do you need from me?

I need you to love Cincinnati. That's what the fuck I need from you. Why don't you come on those trips? That's when I fucking need you. So anyway, she's going to Europe, right? There's no, you know, there's no fucking way. Of course I'm going to take her. So this is the deal.

I spent five months on the fucking road with my knees to my chest, my wallet, my front fucking pocket, going in the back, doing fucking yoga. Cause I had to make sure I had a great special. Of course I ended up catching a cold and I did my special with Dayquil. That's a whole nother story. So basically, you know, 41 year old guy, my body's fucking junk. This is my first time going to the UK and then over to Dublin and then back to fucking Scotland, which I believe, you know, I'm a little confused at exactly what is Great Britain

and what is the United Kingdom. It's really fucking confusing. They got so many goddamn aliases over there. All right. As far as I understand, Great Britain is England, Wales and Scotland, and maybe even the top of Ireland with the fuck was all those goddamn fucking fighting Belfast. Okay. Is that, is that the United, is the United Kingdom.

That is Great Britain, just England and fucking Wales. Is that Great Britain or is Great Britain, England, Wales and fucking Scotland. Why don't I look at it? I didn't look it up. Fuck you. This is my question for the week. What's the difference between the United Kingdom and Great Britain? Because before I went over there, I wanted to learn some of the countries over there.

So I didn't come off as a dumbass American. Then I found out there was 50 countries and I was like, all right, fuck it. I'll just learn it over to like Greece, Romania, Ukraine, Lithuania, all the anias, Russia, half of Georgia, half of Turkey. And then once you get to Kazakhstan, go fuck yourself. How the hell you say it? I was under the impression that England was a country. And then when I was looking up the names of country, it didn't say that it said Great Britain.

So Great Britain is the country. What does that include? And what is the United Kingdom? The rest of Ireland isn't part of it, is it? Or are you? I don't know. There's just fucking pieces of land over there. Maybe you guys got a band together, you know, like a bunch of fucking Cubans coming over here

in a refrigerator door floating over to fucking the keys, you know? I don't know. So anyways, so this is the deal. So I get a first class ticket from Jersey Day for out London. And my girl wants to go. So once again, I'm in that situation. I'm in that situation. And it's like, you know what?

I got to put my foot down. I finally did. I said, look, this is much fun as we're going to have over there and everything. This is a business trip. I have to go over there. I have to be fucking relaxed. I'm already going to be jet lagged and I have to hit three home runs in a fucking row. I got a kill in London.

I got a kill in Dublin and I got a kill in Glasgow. All right. So as much as you want to run around and go buy some trinkets and shit, I have to be rested up for this stuff. So this is the deal. I will fly coach with you to Jersey and then I'm going up first class to England. And I put her in the back, left her in the back and, you know, there was some rough waters trying to convince her of that.

And I was like, look, this is the deal. I'm going to go over there. I'm going to fucking hit. And then what if I fucking blow up over there? I'll fly us both over their first fucking class. So because my girl's fucking the shit, she said, fine. So I'm like, that's it, man. You see that shit?

Mac daddy fucking pimp got what the fuck I wanted. And then this is what's funny. Two days before we go to leave, I get hit with this fucking wave of guilt. Oh, wait a second. By the way, I looked into getting her first class fucking ticking. You know what these fucking cunts want? They want to like fucking five grand just from Jersey. It's fucking ridiculous.

It's so fucking, it's so fucking ridiculous. Why is it 1500 to fly 2800 miles? But then all of a sudden 3000 miles, or a little over 3300 miles, because I'm going to a different country. All of a sudden you make it like three and a half times the fucking price. So I can't do that. I go over there. I'm going to lose a couple of grand.

So I just, you know, fuck it. And she complained. She complained a little bit. And I go, are you complaining about a free fucking ticket to Europe? Is that what you're doing right now? No, no, no, no, no, no. And then she's next to you. So anyways, I ended up feeling fucking guilty and whatever.

So I got her some DVDs. So anyways, we finally ended in eighth route and I, we get off the plane and I wait for her and shit. And I noticed that she's, you know, kind of giving me the cold shoulder or whatever. I'm like, what's the problem? And I, I can't remember how I went because I was so fucking tired. And she was pissed because I didn't go back to see her during the flight. You know, come back there. I mean, what, what were we going to talk about?

I was going to come back to be like, yeah, hey, does, does flying coach still suck? All right. I was just checking. You know, because it kind of seemed like it sucked from LA to New Jersey, but I was wondering maybe it got better. I'm actually in defense myself. I tried to go back there, but they had a velvet rope. Okay.

And I'm not saying that they had a bunch of Janet Jackson CDs there. They actually had a velvet rope there and I was not allowed to go past there. And I said, fine. All right. So I got out of that one. So whatever, whatever. All right. So we landed a throw and we get in the fucking car.

We drive over to the hotel and I'm just looking at it going. This looks a little very gray, very overcast. And it was disappearing into a lot of gray buildings. And I'm like, what the fuck? I don't like this. And then I, you know, I took a fucking nap and then I woke up and then we did what New Yorkers fucking do. All right.

We don't take tours. I do consider myself a fucking New Yorker, but now I don't not affiliated with any of their sports teams, but I lived there for fucking 12 years and I loved it. And this is what New Yorkers do when we go to a fucking new city, public transportation, baby, show me where your fucking subway is and I'll do it that way. We hit a couple, you know, big Ben Parliament, bang, zoom. Then we just walk the fuck around and we find the cool places to go to.

All right. We don't go to the dumb shit. Like one of my buddies when you go to Dublin, go to Temple bar. Yeah, that's the fucking place to go. Yeah. So I can have a drink with some guy from Cleveland. You fucking moron. Go where all the tourists go.

I've never fucking understood why you would go on vacation to then hang out with a bunch of other douchebags who aren't from where the fuck you're going. So what, what experience do you gain there? What somebody from Rhode Island is like in London? It's the dumbest shit ever. Okay. You want to see a couple of things. Like when I got a minute, when I saw big Ben, it was, it was fucking awesome.

I've seen pictures of that. And you know, I'm a, I love watching Wimbledon Wimbledon for years. I've been saying Wimbledon yet, yet another word that I've been mispronouncing T O N Wimbledon, but it's Wimbledon D O N Wimbledon. They just say it too fucking fast for my dumb ears to pro actually not my dumb ears. My brain's too dumb to process the signals for my ears. I think my ears are okay. But anyways, so that's what we did.

So I saw big Ben and it was just fucking iconic. It was the shit. All those years watching Wimbledon, breakfast at Wimbledon, and then they always show big Ben. And it was incredible and got a, what else the fuck did I do? Oh, I know. I wanted to, the tour to the fucking Abbey Road Studios fell through. It's a long fucking story. They couldn't do it Wednesday.

And by that, when they wanted to do it Thursday, I was doing radio and it just didn't fucking work out. So I'll have to do that next time. But so I was like, all right, that didn't work out. I have to go see Royal, Royal Albert Hall. Now, for those of you who are Led Zeppelin fans, you know the importance of that building. And if you got their last DVD that came out, it has this fucking unbelievable concert that they gave at Royal Albert Hall. And I always wanted to go there. It's really difficult to say Royal Albert Hall.

And it was something that was built, I believe, by this Queen Victoria. Did I just say this Queen Victoria? It's this fucking broad Queen Victoria. She was into this guy, Prince fucking Albert. And I guess they were unbelievably in love with each other. And the way that they express love was they bought pieces of art with the money from the poor. That's what they did. They were so in love that rather than taking all the fucking disgusting amount of taxes from the poor people and using it to feed them,

they said, no, let's spend it lavishly on ourselves. And this unbelievable art collection that we and we alone can sit here and stare at. It's just fucking, I don't know, that whole royalty thing is hilarious to me. So, yeah, that's what they did. And I don't know. And then Prince Albert, he caught the clap, which evidently was fatal back in the day. He cheated on her, but she still loved him. And something like that.

I didn't really read the story. You can look it up. I don't know what the fuck he got. He got like, what did you die of in the 1800s? The mumps. He got tuberculosis. He got something. Okay.

And he was fucking Victoria out in the great lawn and some mosquito bit him. And next thing you know, he had typhoid fever. I don't know. He died suddenly. So she was overcome with grief. And a lot of people say she never got over it. And what she did was she built this big fucking statue of this guy. That actually is not gold plated, but gold leaf or fleck.

I don't know what the, it has actual fucking gold in it. And it's got a big opulent roof to it. So the pigeons can't shit on the guy. And yet again, yet again to express her love for another human being. Why would you help other human beings? Let's spend more of the poor people's money on this. It's pretty impressive. Not going to lie to you.

So anyways, went over, we saw that shit. And they were actually giving a tour of Royal Albert Hall. So I wanted to go and it was an hour delay and my girl hates tours. She's a fucking New Yorker. She's like, Oh my God, I can fucking figure it out myself. What? It's a fucking building. So I'm like, can we just, can just for me, can we just fucking do this?

So she's like, fine. So long story short, mate, we ended up going on the bloody tour. And just so happens that the London Philharmonic is practicing in there. I don't know, for a gig later on that night or the next day, I have no idea what. So the guy brings us in there and we walk in two boxes down from where the Queen's box is. Okay, I'm waiting for all the beefers and butthead laugh there. He said Queen's box. The box where the Queen sits in.

We just basically unbelievable seats and we come walking in. And as we sit down and take in basically the most beautiful theater I've ever seen in my life. The beauty of the theater right as we sit down, the orchestra begins playing as if they were waiting for us. And it was so unbelievably beautiful and so overwhelming that my girlfriend actually started to cry. So and I started laughing at my girlfriend crying because I was actually afraid that I was going to get emotional. That's how fucking unbelievable it was. It was incredible. And it was in that moment.

I was like, fuck this. I have to see a concert here. It was incredible. It was incredible. And everybody was basically on our tour was sitting there with like, I don't have the ability to describe the sound. It was the most unbelievable sound I've ever heard in my life. And it actually made me less cynical. That's how beautiful it was.

I actually felt, I actually, what the fuck was it? How do I put this? It was like, you know, I'm real cynical when I think of people. They're pieces of shit. They fucking lie. They're greedy. They're weak cowardice and all that fucking thing. And then you just see this group of people and this building, like everything was perfect.

The construction of it, the way they decorated it and whoever wrote the music and then all the gifted people playing it. It was fucking unbelievable. And we were all just sitting there. It was like something that I will never forget. And then 10 seconds later, the tour guys like, all right, we got to go. We got to go. And no one wanted to go. And then he's like out in the hall gone.

And then this wall here was constructed by Henry the fucking eighth and was like, nobody gives a fuck. We want to go back in there and listen to the band. It was unreal. So what would happen was we just kept going to these room to rooms, the green room where the queen hangs out and has her royal bush trimmed or whatever the fuck they do. And then we would be in a different part of the theater and we would dip in, we would listen to them play again. And this is the thing, you were not allowed to take video in the place, but fortunately, I'm an ignorant American and I didn't give a fuck. And I brought a little flip cameras in there and I actually, I got some video footage in there that I will be putting up on my website. I'm just going to try to edit it all together.

Actually follow through on this and make a nice video of my trip to Europe. But I got to tell you guys something right fucking now. Okay. Fuck going to SeaWorld. Fuck the San Diego Zoo. Fuck all of that shit. Fuck going to Chicago and going to the top of the Sears Tower and going to Wrigley Field. That shit's all going to be there.

You fucking live here. All right. No biggie. You can drive to all of those things. Let me tell you something. Save your fucking money. Who gives a shit? It's not worth anything anyways.

Get yourself a ticket at some point. Go look up Royal Albert Hall. If you're into classical music, they have, they call them prom shows. I don't know what that was short for, but they have like this, this like month or two, six week period where they just have all these orchestras come in. If you're into classical music, I saw another concert in October. Jeff Beck is playing there. You know, that guy's, you know, it's weird. He's getting up there in years and he's at the primers career.

Basically what I'm saying, if you're a music lover at some point in your life, or if you're even into just fucking architecture, you have to go see a show there. Okay. I'm telling you, it was fucking unbelievable. All right. And that's it. That's it for that shit. All right. Unbelievable.

I'm going to try to get back there. Book a gig. And I have to see, I have to see, and I would fucking see anybody there. Wow. Okay. Let's be fucking honest. I got to admit Jay-Z and Beyonce were there. I wouldn't want to see Jay-Z at Royal Albert Hall.

I just wouldn't. You know, I was actually picturing Led Zeppelin there. And like the place was so beautiful. It almost seemed like fucking offensive, you know, for them to be singing the lemon song. Talking about singing poetically about getting your dick sucked in someplace that beautiful. Now I'm not shitting on Jay-Z or anything. I think that guy's a fucking genius. But you know what I mean?

Like, I don't think that I, like, if I ever got a gig there, I'd want to do it just because Zeppelin's been there, Sinatra, Jay-Z and all these guys. These unbelievable artists. But for me to go up there, the way I curse, it just wouldn't be right. You know, this is why you travel the world is you get two reasons why you travel. Okay. One is to see all the unbelievable things that are out there and realize how much more there is than what you thought there was. And then two, on the other side, is to realize, you know, as you start to get, you know, homesick, why you love where you live. Because that definitely happened.

Because I gotta admit, I fucking went hardcore with the food over there. I kept getting the traditional English breakfast, the traditional Irish breakfast. I got a traditional Scottish breakfast. And I'm telling you, dude, it's fucking like how those people are still walking around past the age of 40. It's fucking unreal. Traditional English breakfast was eggs, sausage, or bangers, as they call them, bacon. And that bacon is more like Canadian bacon, where it looks like you took the zest of a pig with a big grater and just took a fucking shingle of pig and threw it in and threw it into a frying pan. So you got the fucking sausage, the shingle of pig, and then you had pork and beans.

And then, I don't know, something else. I gotta tell you, all that fucking pork, basically two helpings of pork, three helpings of fucking pork, they have sausage, sausage, Canadian bacon style to the 10th power in pork and beans with eggs and then toast, you know, then you have a cup of tea. And I gotta admit, dude, I fucking loved it. I absolutely loved it. But like now, a week later, physically, I'm feeling the fucking pain. Every morning I got up and I got that breakfast. And what else did I do? I went to, oh, the crosswalk there.

I got the picture, the Abbey Road thing. The picture comes out like shit because you gotta be standing in the middle of the fucking road. And I took a video of it. You gotta see it. It's one of the greatest tourist, not even to do it, just to observe it. Because basically, if you're not familiar with the Beatles, you know, it's really a shame. You should listen to their music. Okay, that's like the biggest understatement of all fucking time.

But basically, you know, Abbey Road is basically the four Beatles walking across the crosswalk. So now everybody, when they go there, who's a Beatles fan, has to have four people and take that fucking picture. And the reality is, is they've actually moved the crosswalk like 20 feet down the fucking street. So you're not walking where they walked. But anyways, the greatest fucking thing is people stop in the fucking crosswalk because they want to get the goddamn picture. Which I think actually fucks up the picture. Because I think they took the picture where they were all walking. But long story short, all the poor bastards who live over there

have to, who live in that part of town, have to deal with that every fucking day. It's the most annoying touristy thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. And you got all these people all excited, oh my god, it's Abbey Road. Wait, let's get the, I want to be John Lennon. Let me be Paul running around in these, and then you just listen to these English people beeping their horns. For fuck's sake, you fucking cunts! Beeping their horns. It was awesome. The whole thing was awesome.

So we're actually getting this almost like 38 minutes in, and I have to fucking meet Bobby to go on a hike. So I gotta wrap this shit up here quickly. So anyways, did all that type of shit. Saw Big Ben, went out, had some drinks, had a great fucking time, and then I did my show. And the show at the Leicester Theater went incredible. I just had an awesome time, man. And I want to thank, really, from the bottom of my heart, everybody who came out in England, and London, Dublin, and Glasgow, it was fucking awesome.

So basically, yeah, we did that, and then the next day we flew over to Dublin, and the Irish people were just fucking hilarious. My show at the Sugar Club went unbelievable, and afterwards I was hanging out with the crowd. I had a couple of drinks with people, and this fucking guy's like... This Irish guy comes up to me and he goes, I love you. I love you, man, let me buy you a drink. I love you. And he fucking buys me a goddamn drink, and then he won't fucking leave. He's this sweaty, drunk dude with this...

He looks like he plays in a grunge band, you know, with the fucking hat on, and he just won't fucking leave. And he's drunk, and he keeps coming up, and he keeps trying to touch my fucking hair, which I had moosed up what I have left on top, right? So finally, he ends up fucking... He comes out of nowhere with his sweaty, drunk hand, and fucking... Like, pets the top of my head. Another man pet the top of my head. So my girl goes, dude, what the fuck are you doing? And she goes...

He goes, oh, I'm sorry, I touched his weave. Now, let me tell you something, I am a fucking asshole, but when somebody gets me with a good one, the only reason why I didn't burst out laughing and fucking high-five him for how fucking funny that was was because he's one of these psychos that if you give him any sort of... I wasn't even giving him any attention, and he wouldn't fucking leave, so if I actually did. And then I was laughing later, like, me and my girl both fucking laughing that he said it was a weave, and it's like, maybe because I shaved my head, and when I grew it back, I had a lot more hair than people thought I did, that he thought I got hair plugs or something, but...

Ah, man, it was fucking hilarious. So anyways, that was Dublin. That was only in Dublin for like two seconds. We got this hilarious cab driver, and he was driving us to the airport. And by the way, all these Scottish guys were over there because they had this huge rugby match, and I totally got into the rugby over there. They got this league, the Six Nations League, that I think is Scotland, Wales, England, Ireland, France, and Italy. There's only six teams, so it reminded me of hockey, like the fucking original six.

There's not that many players, so you can get to know the teams. So long story short, if Ireland won the game the day we were leaving, if Ireland won the game, then they were the champions of the league, and if Scotland lost, they would be the worst team in the league, thus winning the wooden spoon. Wooden spoon, they actually give you a fucking award. It's like, you don't know that you were the worst, just in case you forget. In rugby, they give you something called the wooden spoon. You know, just so people can fucking rub that, I think that's brilliant.

Fucking brilliant. I think it's hilarious because that's such a great way to give a team shit. Take the Pittsburgh Pirates. How many fucking wooden spoons would they... They would be like the New York Yankees of wooden spoons, and it's just a whole nother level to give somebody shit. So basically, when we were over there, all these scouts came over to watch the game, and all the Irish people were talking shit.

Oh, it's just fucking great, talking about their kilts, you know, and so I got so amped up by watching these guys give each other shit, and I wasn't getting any American sports that I... When I landed in Scotland the next day, I actually watched the game, and it was a fucking great game, and Scotland won. They actually won, and avoided getting the wooden spoon, and Ireland actually lost the championship because of that, and I believe France won. Well, there's just something wrong about French people winning a rugby contest,

you know, championship, considering the stereotype of them, and considering I never been there. Wait a minute, wasn't Andre the giant French? The fuck is wrong with me? I'm such an idiot. Alright, scratch all that. Whatever, so I got into it, and then my last night there, I went to the Lions Theatre in Glasgow, Scotland,

and, you know, I was so tempted to go out there, but I didn't want to fuck my show up by pissing everybody off, but I really wanted to go out and open with, rather than be like, hey, how you guys doing? I really appreciate you coming out, because you don't know who the hell I am. I really felt like coming out there and just going, how you doing, you fucking skirt-wearing cunts? Just open and open.

Just to see what they're doing, I realized halfway through the show that they probably would have laughed, but I got great video of all of them. I got the whole crowd saying, you're listening to the Monday Morning Podcast, you fucking cunts, but you can't understand what they're saying, because there's too many of them. I had my heart in the right place.

Maybe I'll put it up with some actual, what are the subtitles underneath it? You're watching them, you're listening to the Monday Morning Podcast, you fucking cunts! They really leaned into it too. I'll put the video. It's all going to be part of the video, but I sincerely want to thank everybody who came out to see my shows.

I was unbelievably flattered by the reception I got when I was over there. People were actually clapping like they knew who I was, and it was incredible. That was another thing that I learned when I was over there, was the different levels of fame. Over here, I say I have notoriety. That's where I'm at. Second-degree notoriety.

Every once in a while, someone was like, hey, you're that comedian guy, right? Thank you, buddy. I saw you. You used to be on... You were on that show, right? Weren't you on that show? Yeah, I was on that show.

But just to go over there and see, I saw John Mayer had a sold-out show at Wembley Stadium, and added a second show. And I was like, wow, that fucking dude is famous. Okay? And you get into the entertainment game as a performer, and you start trying to sell tickets. And the first time you sell out a fucking comedy club,

you can't believe it. And just to see someone to be able to move that amount of tickets on the other side of the fucking world, it's unreal. For those of you unfamiliar with Wembley Stadium, this is how big it is, Evil Knievel did a stunt there. He fucking jumped over like 30 buses, London double-deckers.

Granted, he didn't fucking make it. But just picture how fast you'd have to get a motorcycle going today. Forget about a motorcycle 40 fucking years ago, or 35 years ago, that probably weighed two tons. And he cleared the buses. I think he landed on the last one. That's some footage right there that you might want to check. All you ex-game people,

because he's the fucking father of all of that shit. So anyways, John Mayer sold that fucking place out, and he's got another one coming up, added a show there. So I was really humbled going over there. And I'm looking forward to coming back again, going to a concert at Royal Albert Hall, going to a rugby game in either Scotland or fucking Ireland,

and just coming through all those again. I definitely want to build up a following over there, because I had a great time. Actually, after my gig at the Lions Theatre, I went over to this comedy club, and dude, it was fucking hilarious. We walked in there, and we were listening to the host of the show,

and the guy is speaking English, and we cannot understand 80% of what he's saying. So we are laughing along with the crowd, not at the jokes, just busy, fucking Ireland, hanging in the fucking Ireland. It's like, what? You guys remember in Snatch, when Brad Pitt played that Irish character

you couldn't understand? This was the Scotland version of that. And I met this comedian, Kevin Bridges, who's, I guess, huge over there. Not even guess, he is huge over there. Afterwards, we're having a couple of pints, and I started talking about the word cunt, and I was too drunk.

I wish I filmed it. Listening to these guys talk about the word cunt, the way they say it, would have been so perfect on this podcast. At some point, I have to interview one of those two guys on this podcast, but I was sitting there going, yeah, we're like blown away

how you guys can just say cunt, and it's not offensive. And they're like, hey, everybody says that when they come over here, blah, blah, blah, and all this shit, right? So I was talking to him. I'm like, yeah, you actually use it as like a compliment.

You say stuff like, ah, you know, he's a good cunt. And the other guy goes, he goes, oh, he's a great cunt! Top cunt! So there you go. There's a new expression for you. He's a top cunt.

I think that's one of the greatest things I've ever heard. So I'm saying to these guys, ah, fuck, why didn't I film? You would have loved this shit. If you're a stand-up geek, and you just want to see, like we would trade notes like I was saying.

So I go, so what is basically the C word? What is the word you can't say over in Scotland? And he said spastic is what he said, spastic. And he tried, he was explaining it to me. But granted, we were both fucking shit-faced. And I could barely understand what this dude was saying when we were all sober, right? But he would, I guess it means,

I couldn't figure it, it meant some form of like, retarded slash vegetable. And like, I don't know, like that they just don't, you just, you don't talk about that stuff over there. If you do, I guess it's literally needle going off the fucking record player. But so I thought that that was really,

I thought that that was interesting. What else? Here's something you guys better brace yourselves for. As far as pop culture thing that I saw over there, on their American Idol over there, there's these twins, and they got these high-top fades like that dude from Kid and Play. I think it was Play, the light-skinned dude, right?

With the fucking high-top for that fucking, beyond that, the Eraserhead fade, right? Two white kids, they both have that dude, they're twins named John and Edward, and they go by the name Jedward. I swear to God. And they're really into vanilla ice. They think vanilla ice is awesome.

And the reporter was going, you know, people kind of ridiculed him, and they're like, oh, but when he freestyles, he's lethal. So I didn't even have to hear what the fuck they sing. I just know that some shit is so bad, it's fucking awesome. So I'm just telling you to get prepared for that,

because I think that that could go global. That's, it's like the perfect storm of fucking awful. So do you remember you heard it here first in the States? Watch out for Jedward. Look him up if you have to. All right, we're 50 minutes into this thing. I gotta fucking wrap this fucking thing up. What did I want to talk about?

Did I have any fucking, any other stories? Whatever, this is just the English podcast. I'll give you one fucking overrated, underrated thing. That's really annoying the shit out of me. It's this whole thing that when you're going to get a fucking burrito, all right, or a taco, and they ask you what toppings you want,

and you get whatever toppings you want, then all of a sudden if you want to get guacamole, this whole bullshit that guacamole's extra. Oh, that's 50 cents extra. That's a dollar extra. Like avocados are fucking rare. Maybe on the East Coast, but I gotta admit, I got two friends of mine who own houses out here.

They got fucking avocado trees in their goddamn yards. They just, it's one of those things where, just like diamonds. I always, you always hear that rumor that, you know, diamonds aren't really rare. They just say they are, and they just control how many go out. That's what they're trying to do with fucking guacamole. I put up with it. It was one kind of fucking food.

I didn't give a shit. I paid extra for the guacamole. I didn't give a fuck. And you know what I did? I came, I became part of the mechanism that created that new corporate fucking cunt way of making extra money. And I'll tell you why, because you know what?

I got a breakfast sandwich the other day, and bacon was extra. You know? Like all of a sudden, that's this big fucking commodity. So you can add that to your fucking list of overpriced, overpriced fucking bullshit. Disposable razors locked up behind the fucking counter like they're jewels.

Orange juice. Guacamole. And fucking now bacon. So this is what we got to do, everybody, the 14 fucking people. If they say it's extra, be like, you know what? Then I don't want it.

Why don't you sit on your fucking bacon? Let's smell it going bad. That's it. I'm not playing fucking ball. The only time I'm fucking getting guacamoles, is when I'm at home, and I'll make it myself, or if these fucking cunts don't charge me any extra money. But you know what they'll do, right?

You know what they'll do. They'll be like, all right, it's not extra anymore, but the fucking burritos, 50% more. And they'll blame, oh, 9-11, because the 9-11, they always win. They always win. This is the last thing I'm going to tell you. This is one thing I loved about Scotland.

You know how they say whores over there? They say hars. These fucking hars doing drugs. The floor was the floor. I'm fucking up the accent. All these fucking hars doing drugs. Hars. Horses have.

Jelly. They said, I fucking loved it. I loved every fucking second of it. That's it. That's the end of the podcast. I got some shit I gotta fucking do. I apologize that this thing was so late, but I'm telling you, you know, good things come

to those who fucking wait. I think this was a great podcast. I'm gonna pat myself on the back. Listen to this. That was me. It's really fucking the back of my neck, my spine area that fucking hurt. All right, you guys have a great week.

God bless and don't worry. It's a little rough time here. It's sort of a podcast recession. We're riding our way through it. All right, I'll talk to you fucking constantly later. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside,

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