Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-17

Episode Date: March 24, 2017

Bill rambles about Florida, the Datsun 510 and reconnecting with your kid.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.

Checking in to some of my voices junk. I just did six shows up in San Jose Cruz. I've been for the Houston Astros. That was one of my favorite players. Yeah, my voice is going to be a little tight. It's going to be a little rough, you know. I did six shows up there to Monday to Tuesday to Wednesday, just like when I was in Phoenix to Monday to Tuesday to fucking Wednesday. I'm putting together my new hour and I really felt by Wednesday of this week. It had gotten to the point where starting to starting to take shape and I was very happy and I want to thank everybody who came out. You know, on school nights, I know you guys all have to work unless you hit the fucking lottery. I assumed all you had to go to work the next day.

So I want to thank everyone in San Jose who came out to go see me. And thank you for sitting through the new jokes. I had a great time up there. Worked with Dean Delray. You fucking crushed it. Crushed it all fucking week. Had a great time working with them, you know, and Dean like this is the funny thing about Dean. When I work with Dean, Dean, you know, he doesn't party or anything like that. He's done all of that shit. So he's over it. So then, you know, I'm a fucking codependent jackass, you know what I mean?

So I mean, to a point, someone's doing coke and heroin. I'm like, hey, I'm going to bed. Okay. But it's when it comes to the booze or smoking cigars, right? That's why, you know, me and all my friends, I mean, we're all codependent guys and we just fucking feed off of each other. And it becomes fucking, you know, animal house. But so he doesn't do that, right? So I'm like, oh, it's going to be great, you know, I'm not going to spend any extra money, booze and no extra calories. I was hitting the gym, was doing everything great.

But the thing about Dean is he has impeccable taste in shit that I like. Old instruments, old cars. He was showing me this guy that fucking redows these Porsche 911s out here that were just fucking insane. Like he has all like, you know, not a lot of stuff, but he has all top of the line shit. So I was joking with them. I was like, all the money that I'm going to fucking not blow in a bar after my show. I'm then going to spend 10 times more of that on fucking eBay after I get done talking to you. But anyways, he murdered it all week.

We had such a great time. And San Jose improv, that's one of my favorite places because it's really, it's a small theater, you know, from the turn of the last century. I had to believe it was built in the 1890s, burned down. Back when shit used to burn down all the time because it was made out of fucking wood, you know, as opposed to what now, Bill? Well, I don't know. They didn't have sprinklers. That's what it was. What, a house is made out of plastic, Bill?

You know, you've been out in Hollywood so long, your plastic phony, you think everything's made out of plastic? Well, then they would melt, right? Plastic is inflammable, but it could just cowers, you know what I mean? Like your friend who says, I got you back, I'm not going to fucking rat you out. Then all of a sudden the teacher comes walking and he goes, oh, it's his idea. That's what plastic is, you know why? Because it's man-made. Anyway, so it burned down and then they rebuilt it in the early 1900s and everyone from like Harry Houdini, Charlie Chaplin, they always bring up those two guys.

Nobody ever says, you know, Fatty R Buckle played here. Nobody gives a shit, right? I love that name, Fatty R Buckle. You know, that's back when you just, you said what the person was, for better or for worse, you know what I mean? You know, you could just say, Fatty R Buckle, why? Because he's a fat fuck, you know? I'm sure he had a first name, nobody knows what it is. But people go, you know, back then it was great, you know, you fucking, yeah, but then people also walk around dropping the fucking Edward, you know, like they were saying, past the sugar.

But the upside to that was you knew who thought what, as opposed to now, where everybody goes, African-American, homosexual-American, Japanese-American, and you have no idea who's what, everybody's walking around, you feel like you're in the fucking invasion of the body snatchers. Who's thinking what, right? Everybody's reading from the same book. It's not a good goddamn thing. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about right now. I literally got on the earliest flight. I'm doing this thing now because I want to rush home and see my daughter. My daughter, but I get home because I take the earliest flight out and I'm fucking exhausted, then I have to go to sleep.

So, sucks, I came home. I think she has to re-remember who I am, just three days away. Three days away, like as far as what percentage of her life she was looking at me like, making this face like, who the fuck is this guy? She didn't cry, thank God, that would have broke my heart. But, you know, it took me like 20 minutes to get a smile out of her. What else am I going to do? Am I going to get a nine to five job? You know, drive the fucking Chevy Cavalier. Like, but what the fuck, a lot of you guys are doing right now stuck in traffic.

I know you don't want to do that, right? You got a dream. Let me tell you something. You got to find that dream and you got to go after it. I'm kidding. Do whatever the fuck you want to do, you know. This is a lot of times I look at somebody sitting in a cubicle going, that would be great. Right there. I just fucking sit there. I just, I go from here to right fucking there, right? I just, and my chair spins from this to here, right? That's my range of fucking motion.

I get my job done and I go home. And you know something, if this company goes under, I don't give a fuck. I'll just go to another one. Ain't on me. You know, not rent to own, rent to leave. That's how you do it. Anyways, what's going on in my world other than that I'm excited, finally excited about my new hour. Finally, finally I have some fucking jokes.

The fucking Boston Bruins, dude, they got a win tonight. They're playing fucking Tampa Bay Lightning down there in Florida. Dude, I know like fucking 12 people already fucking moved down there. You know what I mean? It's fucking crazy. It's like, what are you fucking 80? Can't take the winner anymore. You're going to lose your edge, dude.

I went down there. I visit fucking, I visit fucking whatever fucking Bobby McCarthy. Dude, he's always walking around in shorts, fucking flip flops, sitting down by a dog hanging out with all these fucking weirdos. Just like, dude, you know, look at you. You're all fucking tanned up. You know, it's good, but you got to come back, dude. You got to go to donkeys.

Get too large with extra sugar. Bruins are another three game fucking slide. We lost Edmonton and then we went over Edmonton, Alberta, and then we went to Toronto, Ontario, and we fucking lost there. And then we went to Ottawa, the capital, the capital ladies and gentlemen of Canada. I was actually that's, I was trying to remember all the provinces. They have provinces and territories. There's 10 provinces and three territories up there.

I can never fucking remember them because most of them begin with N. Whatever, enough of them do. Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. Then there's something in Labrador Retriever or some shit. What the fuck is it, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland and Labrador, Prince Edward Island, then the rest are easy. You just going across according to fucking hockey teams, the Quebec Nordiques, well, Toronto Maple Leafs, then not the Ontario Maple Leafs,

and then not the Manitoba fucking Jets, it's the Winnipeg Jets, right? Saskatchewan, Alberta, British Columbia, then you go up top, you got the Northwestern Territory, you got Yukon, and then the other one like fucking begins with an N. It sounds like an Italian word, but it isn't, like forget about it. What the fuck is that thing called? This has to be in the history of podcasting, the most boring thing anybody's ever brought up.

Canadian, come on, you cunt, Wikipedia, Canadian Territory, Territories, the fuck is it called? It's something Italian, provinces and territories of Canada. Please take out your geography books. The fuck is it called? Oh, yeah, yeah, none of it. Oh, no, that's not what it's all about. Hey, we'll have none of it.

Knock it off, we'll have none of it! No, none of that, none of that would work. Fuck off, I got most of them, I got most of them. So anyways, the Bruins are playing Tampa Bay tonight, we need a win. We just fucking beat Edmonton, we just won one of those fucking games we had, we had a little breathe-in room, a little breathe-in room and now we don't, now it's just like, you know, Joe Bartnick talked me off the ledge, he goes, you know, they were fucking tired, they had back-to-back games,

don't fucking hit the panic button yet, but then we lost again to fucking Ottawa, okay? So I'm gonna listen to Joe Bartnick because he knows way more about hockey than I'll ever fucking know, but if they lose tonight, we're looking at possibly three years in a row of being in the playoffs with two weeks to go in March and then sitting at home, you know? Which Bartnick has told me that's the worst fucking thing to just miss the playoffs, okay? Because you don't get any playoff money and you don't get a good draft pick.

But who knows, maybe somebody will miss somebody good. I mean, that's how we got Tom Brady, right? Everybody just fucking was looking at him like, you know, he's got a nice dimple in his chin, but other than that, I don't know. You can see why they passed him by, you can see why they passed him by when he fucking dove after he threw that pick six, you know, in the Super Bowl this year. Just look that up, him diving to tackle and just look at how unathletic he looks, you know? Anytime anybody ever says like, fucking, how the fuck did all these teams wait to the, what was he?

The fourth round, sixth round, how did they miss this guy? Just show that video and just say, imagine that running the 40-yard dash. You know what Tom Brady is? He's a fucking sleeper. That's what he is. He showed up looking like a Volvo station wagon and they didn't realize what was under the hood. You know what it was? It was a 454, 454 cubic inches of fucking hat dude.

Sorry. All right. Plowing ahead. Other sports talk. Formula one starts on this Sunday. If you want to get into it like I did last year. And last year, the Mercedes-Benz team with Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg, the sense retired Nico Rosberg because he wanted to hang out with his daughter,

which I didn't fuck or his kid, which I didn't understand until I came home after three days in San Jose. And my own daughter's looking at me like, is this the driver? Who the hell is this guy? Who knows? I always want to blame the woman, you know, that his wife was like, it's really dangerous. I mean, you won the championship. This whole thing with Lewis, it's just, it's, it's, you talk about it all the time. We can't even sit down for a meal.

I get it. You think he's a cunt, but you know, I just, what about us? Can you just be here with me? You know, that's the danger of being with the wrong woman. You end up stepping out of a Formula one car and just say, Hey, you know what? Or maybe he's smart. Maybe he's just like that guy who plays blackjack and goes up early and just says, Hey, you know what? Fuck this.

I'm going back to the room, taking my money and I'm going back to the fucking room. I have no idea. I don't even understand this goddamn sport to be honest with you. I still don't understand what happened to the steering wheel and why it looks like a fucking game boy now. And how the fuck sitting there, like driving that goddamn fast, you have time to take your hand off the wheel and fucking search for that button to pick a new, a new suspension. Like you're in a Tesla with your friend driving up fucking route too. Hey, you want me to put it in insane fucking mode, whatever the hell it is, except they're doing this shit at 200 miles an hour.

By the way, I went by a Tesla dealership when I was up in San Jose. And they have, they had the new one up there, you know, that had, you know, the original one just had the motor for the rear wheels. Now they got one for the front and the back. And evidently it goes when you get the top of the line, the best one, right? It's it's literally with them. It's just like what what gives it makes it worth more money is the amount of fucking electrical power you have. It's all because everything other than that, I think they're pretty much all the same. And if you get the top of the line one, it goes zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds. That's like a fucking that's motorcycle level speed.

And it's a four door. Looks like a fucking Nissan Maxima. Not even. No, it doesn't look like that. It looks like maybe like a Toyota Supra fucked in Nissan Maxima, one of those late 80s ones. Was it the Supra or the Celica? I can't fucking remember. All I know is you know what car I would love to fucking own for like a year is one of those like a 71 or a 72 like Datsun 510. Just have the whole fucking thing redone. I gotta be honest with you. I'm hard pressed to find a fucking car that I that I can't see that wouldn't be fun to drive. You know what I mean? There's so many fucking great cars out there. The only ones I'm not really interested in is all the American muscle cars at this point because they're just fucking everywhere.

Everybody has one. Every time you put on me can we got some more power power coming up and it's the same. Yeah, it comes a kuda. It comes a fucking Emmy this Emmy that here comes the Shelby. Here comes the fucking, you know, they only made a couple of these Camaros. This is a 19 fucking 69. You know, this is a Mustang boss. It's there. They're all fighting over the same fucking three models. Meanwhile, there's all these other fucking cool ass cars out there. I'm actually glad that the baby boomers are still infatuated that because it keeps the prices down of the shit that I like. Yeah, I'm a fucking weirdo, dude. I like those Ford those Ford vans from the 60s.

You know, it's just a shame that, you know, a couple of fucking serial killers that dressed up like clowns drove around in vans. They really ruin the name of them. But what the upside of that, the upside of pedophilia is if you're into vans, you can get one for really cheap. The trade off is you can never grow a mustache for the rest of your life. That's it. Anyway, so formula one starts this Sunday in Australia. And last year, the Mercedes Benz teams were the Mercedes Benz team. Sorry, was the team to beat and this year evidently the Ferraris are looking like they're going to be really strong. And I guess everybody's rooting for who the fuck is the Australian driver there for the red bull team.

He's coming down there. What the fuck says name? What's his name? Daniel Ricardo. Hello. You're getting ready to leave. Does she still remember who I am? She was looking at me like, who the hell is this guy? All right, sweetie. Huh? I get a smile. Can't get us to staring at the microphone. I like that. How are you going to get in showbiz?

Treat me like a fool. Yeah, I think she's kind of over me. Let me hang with her for like two, three hours. Yeah, today. Get that bond back. Get the bond back. Yeah. She's just staring at it. She'd rather look at a pillow than me. Hey buddy, you remember me? Look at me. What do you think paid for that onesie? That was me. Nothing. She's sort of looking down. She's got no interest. Unbelievable. That's the kind of charisma I have. All right, you guys go have fun.

Okay, I'll see you. Bye everybody on the podcast. All right. Bye. See you later to my two ladies. All right, so she didn't look at me once. Whatever. I understand. Okay, it's a brand new brain. Still working. She's putting together her shit the way I'm putting together my act. Either that or she already doesn't like me, but you know, I really can't blame her. Daniel Ricardo is the guy, but here's the thing about him. Everybody in Australia claims the guy. All right, which is bullshit. I think because he didn't move to fucking Australia till he was seven.

He came from Sicily. All right, I bet I bet he's got some stories about everybody teasing him with this fucking accent when he first showed up to Australia. I bet he's got some stories and he's Sicilian so you know, you know, he never forgets. But whatever, Australia will let you claim him. Maybe he got kicked out like all those Brits and sent to that fucking land. Who knows? But so everybody's going to be pulling for him. I can't fucking way. I can't believe how excited I am for this shit that I finally stuck it through one of those whole seasons and now I'm totally into it. So I'm probably boring a lot of you, but who knows? All right, let's get to the, let's get to some more bullshit here. Did I already talk about everything? Oh, you know what else I did when I was up there?

The improv up there found a drum room for me and on two days I got to play for two hours, both fucking days. I snuck four hours in. That's what I do when I'm on the road because I can't really play drums, you know, as much as I like, which is basically an hour to two hours every fucking day. I can't do that anymore. Now I get out, you know, a couple days a week if I'm lucky, but I got the whole practice pad kit and all that shit here. So I got to go out and do that shit, see how awful my playing is now. It was really fucking depressing, you know, but it was still a good time. All right, here we go. Let's, let's read a little. Oh, you know what? I have announcements I have to do. If I sound like I'm all over the place, it's because I got like two hours fucking sleep. The flight was at like 650 AM, you know, and I never, I usually don't do a podcast when I flew the same fucking day. So all right, what am I supposed to do here? Oh, I have to remind the listeners about Deanna Adler, Stephen Adler's mom. I interviewed her with Stephen Adler and Jamie Adler that was posted yesterday. Please listen to it.

And Stephen's mother, mother is going to be at Barnes and Noble doing a book signing a week from yesterday. So that will be the 29th, March 29th. She's going to be there. Let me double check on that. Make sure I don't fuck that up. That would be a bad thing that would defeat the purpose of them coming on here. All right, where am I? Where am I? Yeah, the 29th at 7 PM at the Grove on Fairfax here in Los Angeles. She's going to be at the, at the fucking, at the goddamn mall down there where they used to have two stadiums, by the way. Used to have a football stadium down there. And they used to have a baseball stadium. If you ever watched those old school black and white homerun derbies and you wonder where they are. I always thought they were like in like the Washington Senators, the original, you know, Washington Senators ballpark, but they were actually out here in LA, which makes sense because it's a fucking TV show. Anyways, now it's a CBS slot. And where all that shit stood, you know, they knocked it all down and then they did like 9 million episodes of The Price is Right. So you know what? The world moves ahead.

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I got to sit here and riff. You know, they used to do that to comedians way back in the day. They probably still do it. We used to go in for commercial auditions and you'd show up and then, you know, there's no copy. There's no copy. They just want to see personality and then you go in there and you hold up the product and you'd sit there riffing all this shit. And then they would just steal all your jokes. They wouldn't hire you and then they'd write the copy. Oh, I think I told this story. Patrice fucking called them out on it. That's right. I think I told this actually recently, too. I remember standing there and it goes, you just walked in with like a can of Coke and just stared all like three of them down. Just said, what is this horseshit? They all imploded and told them exactly what the fuck they were doing. All right, do I really need to riff about this? Okay, you know, unless you're unless you're fucking the exact same measurements of a mannequin, you know, something's going to look fucked up.

I mean, just not going to look right. Okay, if you have a suit that's fucking tailor made to your body, obviously, you ever buy a tarp for your car? You know, if you buy the one for your model, your model car, it fits like a glove as opposed to just getting some generic one. It's a little gust of wind and it blows right off. Do you want your suit pants to come flying off and then your dicks peeking out of your boxers at the Christmas party? Or do you want a fitted suit? Well, thank God for Indochino, Indochino, whatever the fuck they are. They're making it easy to get a perfectly tailored suit and an incredible price. You can choose from hundreds of top quality. Are there hundreds of fabrics? How many are there? It's like cotton, silk and rayon in my world. The fuck else is there? Plastic? Leather? Yeah, that's it. I thought there was less fabrics than there was fucking banks. Not individual banks, I mean like Chase Wells Fargo, that's what the fuck I mean.

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Spoiler alert, the Chicago Blackhawks win the face-off. They win the draw. It goes back to Stan Makita, who shoots it down to the Bruins, and it's then picked up by Bobby Yor. And it's the whole fucking game. I just sat there, and it's a great, great quality. I hope nobody goes and fucking takes it down. It's unbelievable if you just want to check it out. The first thing I always notice, aside from no helmets, is how small the goalies are.

It's like one of these guys scored like a fucking, everybody was scoring 50 goals, but so many people scored 50 back then. These guys barely took up, like it looked like a third of the net stand-up goalies, you know? They played goalie. They looked like they were in the Rockettes. They just fucking kicked their legs out and shit. But it's, you know, actually, maybe I'll put a link to it from the podcast. What, an AMM podcast? Or at the MMP? Is that what the Twitter is? I have no fucking idea. Anyways, that's the podcast here for this Thursday. I got something I got to go do.

I apologize. I know it's a little scatterbrained here. But however, you can listen to some nice music and then listen to a podcast from, I don't know when. I don't know when it's going to be. It's from yesteryear, when I was a little bit younger. My brain wasn't a scattered brain. It's always been scattered brain. Who's kidding? Alright, please enjoy the next half of the podcast and have a nice weekend, you kinds. Things are bad, so I cannot let you go. Seems that I'm driving the dark side of things.

I always feel alive when the death bell rings. Now you come and you bring out the tears in me. Pain never makes me cry, but happiness does. It's so strange to watch your life walk by. Wishing it was, wishing it was more like a fantasy. Every day surprises me. Wishing it was. Wishing it was.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. And this is the Monday morning podcast for March 25th, 2009. Ah, fucking podcast. This is starting to feel like Groundhog Day for me. I'm going to be a little grumpy, a little extra grumpy this week because I don't know what happened. I do know what happened. I went out drinking last night and I stayed out until about two in the morning. And I was driving home and I saw a coyote. And I slowed down and for some reason felt the need to yell at it.

You know, just to see what it would do. Because according to black comedians, that's what white people do around wild animals. And goddamn it, I am the stereotype. If that was a black motherfucker, shit, he keeps driving down the motherfucking road. White person be pulling over going, hey, hey there coyote. What the fuck are you doing, huh? You want to bite me in the ass? That's literally what the fuck I did.

I was a hacky, deaf jam bit. And those were two of the worst impressions of two races you're ever going to hear. But go fuck yourself. I'm still in my pajamas. You wear pajamas, Bill? When it's cold in my apartment, I do. Still comfortable with my sexuality. Let me tell you something, if you wear pajamas as a man and you don't have a child, you're just, you're a fucking, I don't know what, but you're not something I want to be around.

These pajama bottoms are my way of saying that I hate myself. Oh, Bill, why would you say that? Anyways, yeah, so I just pulled over and I started yelling at this coyote. I don't even know what it sounds like. Hey, hey. I just wanted to see if he'd do something. Then I started whistling at him, you know, not in like a sexual way. I'm not a creep.

I was whistling at him like he was domesticated. I just wanted to see if I could fuck him up, you know, just going. Come here, come here, man. Come here, boy. And the thing was looking at me like, dude, are you serious? And I was like, no, not really. I just wanted to see what you would do, you fucking cunt. And then I drove home and I had some salami and some horseradish cheddar cheese. And, oh, you know what I got the other day?

I got this new Sam Adams. I really am a douchebag this week. I'm wearing pajamas. I'm drinking Sam Adams. If I have a story that involves me having a sandwich with an olive in it, you guys should really just unsubscribe to my podcast at this point. Or maybe any story where I'm standing here in a blazer with a pipe. Yeah, I bought this new Sam Adams beer.

Like, you know, they have like the seasonal ones. What is it? The blackberry something beer? I know, sounds gross, right? That's what I was thinking. I'm like, that sounds gross. I'm like, but it's Sam Adams. Somehow they make this shit taste good.

That cherry wheat. Cherry wheat was something that I drank and I thought it was the most delicious beer I ever had. And by the third one, I felt like I'd eaten a whole bag of candy. And I was like, I need to stop. But I still get those. I like the summer ale. So I figured, fuck it. You know what it was?

I had just seen a Sam Adams commercial. And I fucking challenge you to not want to go drink 12 beers after seeing a Sam Adams commercial. You ever see those commercials? The guy sticks his fucking face in those hops, grabs two big handfuls. They show how many extra hops they put in, which I don't even know what that does. Evidently it makes it more tasty. And then when they put it in that fucking, that beer glass shape, like a voluptuous woman. You know, and it just looks that perfect color.

That's what was in my head. And I was at the grocery store. I was like, oh man, they got a new flavor. And that guy's face in the hops, that's very sexual. Like he's got to get buried his face in some chick's pussy. And then the end they show her all filled up and fulfilled. You know, all filled up and fulfilled. There's a sentence for you.

So anyway, blackberry, sweet of the best. I'm like dark of the berry, the sweet of the juice. They got me. They all went sex on me and I fucking bought it. And I'm going to tell you, that was the worst goddamn taste in beer I've ever had in my fucking life. Okay. You know, I'm a big fan of these smaller brewers, even though they're huge. Sam Adams is huge now.

But I'll tell you, Sammy, you missed the mark on that one. Because that tasted like, I don't know what it tasted like. It tasted like Sam Adams armpit. Okay. That didn't even make sense. I'm just saying, just avoid the Sam Adams blackberry, whatever the fuck it's called. It's like, I don't know what the fuck was I thinking, blackberry? You know what the advertisements should that for?

That shit should be. It should be. It's not a wine cooler. It's not a beer. Or maybe like it's a bad cop buddy movie. You know, he's a beer. He's a wine cooler. And together, they taste like ass.

What is it? I'm actually in my refrigerator right now. The blackberry, Jesus, I can't pronounce that, wit beer. W-I-T-B-I-E-R. Is it some fancy German way of spelling whatever fucking word that's supposed to be? That's not a word. There's no space between it. I don't even know what the fuck that is.

Yeah. I feel like I'm in Woodstock right now. You ever see that thing where they're like, stay away from the red tabs, man? I'm telling you, stay away from the blackberry Sam Adams wit beer. All right? It's not a good fucking scene. It's not a good fucking scene. Yes, Jesus Christ.

You know, that's it. I'm done with that. At any time, there's any sort of fruit in a beer. You gotta be done. Although, I do like, what is that beer? They put the slice of orange in. I'm just really gonna just say one douchebag thing about my personality after another on this podcast.

This is what it is. You know, for some reason, one of you finds me to be your hero and you took out the CD cover and taped it on the ceiling above your bed. You know, I just realized I don't have a poster myself. What kind of fucking entertainer am I that I don't have that poster? You know what I mean? Where I'm standing under the tree, you know, both hands up on the tree branch above me with the little seashell necklace that my shirt opened down in my navel.

That little Sean Cassidy poster. That's when you know you made it. When you're posing for that picture and nobody around you is telling you it's a bad idea, that's when you know you made it. That's when you know because you are making so much fucking money. People are afraid to tell you that maybe you shouldn't be sitting on a tire swing with one leg in the air, you know, for the poster of your upcoming tour. Okay, that was a long way to go to do a Sean Cassidy reference.

Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast and if you are new to my page, my website or my MySpace page, welcome. I do one of these every single Monday and people send me lists of questions, of co-westions, not questions, co-westions because it is the Internet. They send me lists of co-westions and I try to answer them to the best of my ability. Fucking pajamas are killing me. It's fucking up with my brain. I don't know why I got a lint in my brain this week.

Lint in my fucking brain. I'm freaking out about something right now and I can't even figure out what the fuck it is. But anyways, I do this podcast every single week. Yeah, they send me questions and they send me their list of underrated, overrated things. They give me movie reviews. They ask me for advice. They tell me to go fuck myself. Every once in a while, someone such a cunt, they become douchebag of the week.

And lately, people have been sending me stories about revenge, which I find fascinating because that's one of the few evils that I've actually resisted. I have not partaked in. Oh, before I get too deep into this podcast, I want to let you guys know that my stand-up special, Why Do I Do This, evidently, is on demand. So if you want to have a little party, you know, get out your little fucking tea cups and a table that's way too big for you to be sitting at because that's what you do at a tea party, don't you? Does anybody over the age of five have a fucking tea party?

Do they do that over in England? Or do they just have fucking tea and just sit there and stare out at the clouds? All right, let's get on with the podcast. Okay, that was my opening just burst of energy trying to make this fucking thing funny because I only got five hours sleep last night. Oh, poor fucking babe, you only got five hours sleep and now what are you going to do? Lay around the rest of the day in your fucking pajamas? You know, what about me, huh?

The fucking working man? Drinking Boilermakers till six in the morning. Now I'm operating heavy machinery. Go fuck yourself. It's not my fault, okay? Fuck you, you're doing heavy machinery. That makes you make like fucking 30 bucks an hour. 30 bucks an hour to take down a mountain.

All right, that made no sense whatsoever. I just have a bunch of random notes here. Notes that I've made over the past week. Here's an idea I had in an airport. Nothing suffers like the luggage of fat people. And I don't know how I came up with that. I know what it was. I just saw this woman dragging her wheelie sideways.

Or was it a guy? I can't remember. I don't get to that size. Does it really matter? You ever think about that? You become so big, you just become asexual. This is my late night DJ, which is sort of trying to convince you of some things.

All right, that was creepy. I'm sorry. All right, you want to talk about creepy? Let's talk about how Obama, President Obama, Barack Obama was on the Tonight Show this week. Did that disturb anyone as a fucking American? A Canadian dude wears my car, part two. What the fuck are you doing on the Tonight Show?

I got a big argument with my girlfriend about that. She's like, ah, it's good. It's a great way to reach people. She's like, why don't you have a fucking press conference? All right, all you got to do is wheel out that podium. The whole world sits around and watches it. I couldn't sit there and watch it. It's like, dude, shouldn't you be near the red phone?

What if the red phone rings? And you're on there picking your fucking March Madness brackets. I tell you real how the presidency has just gone downhill. Just over the last fucking 10 years. Right around 10 years ago was when Bill Clinton got impeached because of some fucking skank. You know? Every president.

Can you even begin to understand? Not only the amount of world leaders that have been in the Oval Office, but the amount of fucking skanks that have been in there. That's the original Playboy mansion. All right, guys have been in there getting blown for centuries. Women love power. Guys love blowjobs. Okay, and when you marry the two, you get the fucking Oval Office.

That is ground zero for that shit. And the guy got fucking impeached for it. It's right there. I thought that knocked down the presidency, that the president with fucking secret service at his fingertips can't get a fucking blowjob, right? He gets busted. And then you had, what's his face?

Georgie Part Two, whose dad evidently didn't teach him how to give a speech. So we had to look at that fucking retard for the last eight years, giving a speech where he sounds like somebody giving a book report who didn't read the book. You know what I mean? Kind of like a lingering. He had that shit. And now we got this fuckhead going on The Tonight Show.

You know? Like he's Ashton Kutcher. I don't know. I don't like it. This is three presidents in a row where I don't like what they're doing. You wear the blue suit. You wear the fucking tie. And you should have an air about you that you,

and you just shouldn't be on The Tonight Show. You know what I mean? Tonight on The Tonight Show, Paris Helton. Ashton Kutcher and President Obama. You know what? I didn't even watch it. I'm like literally criticizing something I didn't even watch. You know?

I just couldn't sit there and watch that show. Yeah, yeah, so did you. Did you get dragged into presidential limo? Huh? Does it have a hammy? It's got a hammy. You doing donuts? We doing burnouts?

Um, I don't know. All right. Let's get on with the fuck. I'm really, really in an extra fucking shit mood right now. You know? I started last night when I yelled at that coyote. You know? That's what I did.

I turned my back on nature. It actually kind of freaked me out because it was just a couple of blocks down my street. You know what I mean? All of a sudden there's like a fucking Will Smith movie playing out at three in the morning. And I was kind of wondering like where the fuck that thing came from? I know the Hollywood Hills are kind of off there in the distance, but you know, what do coyotes eat? Roadrunners. Huh?

Who watches cartoons? I do. But they never catch them. I wonder if that's even fucking true. You know what I mean? Roadrunners can fly, right? They just choose not to. They'd rather run.

They'd rather run. Be the fucking martyr. Make all the other birds feel guilty for taking the easy way up. All right. Let's get on with the questions here because this podcast is in a cul-de-sac right now. I've driven down a street. It says not a through way and I continue down the fucking street and now I'm just driving around in a fucking circle.

Okay. Bill, I've been listening to your podcast since I watched you perform and because it's nice to hear someone use the word cunt every five minutes. You know, a lot of people have been giving me shit about that. Say I use the word cunt too much and that they're starting to use it in their everyday life and they're, you know, they're dropping it in weird times. All right. I'm sorry.

I'm going to try to take, I'm going to try not to use the word cunt so much. All right. You cunt. Hey, he did a cunt joke. All right. In addition, here's the rest of the question, Bill. How do you feel about non-Irish, the way non-Irish people celebrate St. Patrick's Day? Quite frankly, it pisses me off.

It's a day to celebrate the patron saint of Ireland, not to get drunk. I'm from Cleveland, Ohio and here we have a big parade downtown. It's so annoying seeing the drunks filling the streets. People stereotype us as if we're the only culture that has a drink once in a while. I'm Irish-American and I'm probably the only woman of Irish descent who has never been drunk, really. My family and I usually have a traditional meal of boiled potatoes, carrots, cabbage, corned beef and Irish soda bread. Now, let me tell you something. If ever there was a fucking reason to get drunk, it's to kill the taste.

Boiled potatoes, carrots, cabbage, corned beef. You can just taste the hot water on the fucking over-boiled vegetables. Every nutrient is just taken out of them. You wonder why Irish people have such pasty fucking skin and no pigment. We boil all the fucking nutrition out of the vegetables. Anyway, personally, she says, I think traditional Irish food sucks and it's mostly because they didn't cultivate much except for potatoes and cabbage. Well, you ever think maybe they were too fucking drunk to get a cookbook, you know? But I do like Irish soda bread.

I remember you saying you don't go out drinking. I don't think I ever said that. Is that a typo? But do you ever do anything? And do you like Irish foods? I gotta admit, I really do like a corned beef sandwich and I really do like potatoes. I do not like boiled potatoes. Boiled potatoes are disgusting and you need at least half a stick of butter, salt and pepper to just kill the taste of what you did to it.

You know what I mean? I'm trying to think of anything that you should boil other than drinking water during the fucking catastrophe. You know, what do you boil? Rice. Alright, is that what you boil? I don't know, but let me get back to the question. How do I feel about people who celebrate St. Patrick's Day? I don't go out on St. Patrick's Day.

That's a very bad day to go drinking. You know, everybody out in their green plastic hats and they're saying, Yeah, it's very, you know, it's like drinking on New Year's Eve, you know, and all the dumb cunts are out with their stupid little hoary outfits. And as if the sound of the noisemakers weren't ear piercing enough, you got them shrieking over them. It's just a horrible time to go out. And I still have interest in the question, how do I feel about non-Irish people celebrating St. Patrick's Day? I really could give a shit. I think it's a statement of, I don't know, how empty their lives are or how the herd just follows whatever the fuck they're supposed to do.

You know, there's always like that one traditional guy and he's got to wear the Scully cap and the Irish sweater, standing over in the corner, cutting into a bar of soap with a knife. You know that guy? Yeah, I could give, I'm German Irish and I could give a shit about St. Patrick's Day. I don't know the story of the patron saint and, yeah, I don't give a fuck. I think in the, when I was in my 20s, I used to go out to pubs on St. Patrick's Day. And I used to do it because I thought I could get laid that night because I looked so Irish. And then some girls would be like, oh my God, this is what the day is about.

Here's a leprechaun right here. Maybe I'll blow them. That's the only reason why I went out. I was desperately trying to be interesting. But now I just, I don't go out. I don't go out on New Year's and I don't go out on St. Patrick's Day. I don't go out on Flag Day. Any sort of day, Earth Day, I stay home.

Those are just douchebag days. And what you want to do is whatever people are doing is you do it the next day. Like Valentine's Day. Everyone brings their broad out to go fucking whatever, right? You can't get a reservation anywhere. The fucking prices are jacked up through the roof. This is what you do. You go out on the 15th.

That's what you do. You tell your woman that that's what you're doing. Because you're going to get a fucking table anywhere you want. You're not going to get raped on the charges. You probably have to be able to go to a better restaurant than you would have on the night of the 14th. And that's a great, like, you know, Bronx Tale to lock the door test. That's a great way to see if you're with a cool girl or not. If she'd let you take her out on the 15th.

Because it really doesn't make a fucking difference, does it? You know? You're going to get to see if she is an independent thinker, or if she's fucking stuck in must-see TV, you know, and is going to drag you to the Macy Day fucking Thanksgiving Parade one day. Because that's what you do. Everybody else is doing it. We have to do it.

Honey, it's not that I don't love you. We're just going to get raped here on the price, you know? Are you trying to find a bargain on Valentine's Day? I'm going to be rude, bitch, but you're in the relationship too. You're not paying for the fucking meal. How does that work? Exactly. Exactly.

You know what? Now I'm not even taking you out. Well, go ahead and cry. Go ahead and cry. It's not going to work. This is all fucking fake. Because, you know, I just exposed you for being selfish. I didn't like that.

Now that was great. You liked that? You liked that little riff I did there? I'm not even in the hypothetical arguments. Okay. Bill, how would I go about getting a personalized autograph DVD set from you? DVD set? I didn't know they were releasing them in a set.

Do I have a trilogy of DVDs like The Godfather? How would you go about that? You'd come out to one of my shows. That's what you would do. And you'd buy one and I'd stand there and I'd fucking sign it for you. And I'd smile like a jackass as I waited the excruciating eight seconds that it takes for a digital camera to click before the three flash bulbs go poop, poop, poop, poop. Some of those disposable cameras, as bad as they were for the environment, I imagine,

how great were those things? Say cheese, click, and it was over. Now, they fucking got those digital cameras. They're like, okay, one, two, three. And then you sit in there waiting and waiting with that fucking smile plastered on your face. You know, like that fucking newscaster goes to throw it to the other newscaster in the field and then it doesn't go and then you're just staring at the entire state that you're broadcasting to. Now off the mic.

Out in Chelmsford. Okay, we seem to be having some technical difficulty. That's what it's like getting your picture taken. On a fucking digital camera. And what's even better is when they accidentally hit video and then you're standing there with a smile on your face like, you start talking through your teeth. Is it gone? Hold the button down.

You gotta hold it down. You know how many times that's happened to me after my shows and they're like, oh my god, I had it on video. And those are the times when I wish I didn't sell shit at the end of my shows. You know, I like meeting people after my shows. I definitely like doing that, but you know, sometimes you feel like a fucking idiot. You know, especially when people come up to you and like, you know, do this joke. Can you just say pesto and then we'll take the picture? No, no I can't.

Oh my god, you're so grumpy. Shut up. Take the picture. Um, alright. Anyways, he said, anyway, let me go on with this guy. He says, I'm happy to pay for it and I have a downloaded copies paid for to my iPhone, but I want an autograph one. So let me know what I need to do to get one where or how to pay for it. Alright, I'm kind of being a douche here, but like, um, you know, people ask me for like autograph photos and shit like I'm Fonzie sometimes.

And they never, they like expect me to pay the postage and all that type of shit. And it's just, I'm not doing that. Okay. All right. I hang out at the end of my shows. I take pictures. I do everything but kiss fucking babies. All right.

I do this podcast every week. I'm not going to get myself into the situation where I got to go to the post office, you know, every fucking, you know, every other day. All right. With Manila envelopes. I'm not doing that shit, you know, trying to think of something to write before I sign mine. That's the hardest thing about giving an autograph. Can you make it out to Susie? I always write Susie and then I sign my name and I'm like, then I try to think what to write.

And I'm like, God bless. Hey, Susie. What's going on, Bill Burr? Ah, shit. All right. Who complains about signing autographs? You know what? I do.

I do. Okay. Okay. Let's, let's get on with this. I'm really sounding like a fucking. When do I get off complaining? I like how I acted like I would see someone asked me for a photograph every other day. I was going to say every 20 minutes and I'm like, they'll never believe that.

I'll say every other day. That's not even true. It's usually like once a month and it's usually somebody with a fatal disease and I still don't send it to them. Because that's the kind of guy I am. All right. Also, Bill, let me move on here. You should really promote the podcast. Okay, Bill.

You should also, you should really promote the podcast for download on iTunes. The shit is so easy that once you do it, you have the podcast on your iPhone and you can listen to it in the car or anywhere other than in front of a computer. Well, there you go, everybody. You can download it on iTunes. Thank you, sir. You just hyped it for me. All right. Last week, I had a big question about the difference between hotels and motels.

Well, first of all, before I get into this shit, how about those Bruins, huh? Beat the New Jersey Devils. I got any New Jersey Devils fans out there? Do you like that little 4 to 1 victory? I'm just fucking with you. You guys got a great team. And if you're not watching hockey right now, I really feel bad for you. All you guys watching March Madness and waiting for that awful song at the end of the tournament when they show the great moments.

I had a dream. They usually picked the like the most syrupy song as they show all the dunks in slow motion and the people being excited and then crying. What is this song that they sing? Tonight I need your sweet caress. Hold me in the darkness. I'm telling you right now, playoff hockey is coming. The Flyers are playing great. The Rangers lost yesterday, but they're coming on.

The Capitals are fucking ridiculous. The goddamn Devils got an insane team as always. I really hate the Devils. I just hate their... I hate the country style of hockey that they played throughout the 90s with the left wing lock and the trap defense. I swear to God, not disrespecting Marty Broder over there and the big record that he got, but it's a little padded. It's a little fucking padded with the fucking trap defense. I mean, he spent half his career, half the saves he made was skating behind his neck,

stopping the puck because they just would dump it in because they'd clog up the neutral zone. And you know what I mean? And that was also during the clutch and grab era. Jesus Christ, I could have squeezed out a couple of shutouts. All right, that's bullshit. I just hated that period of hockey. And when I think about that period of hockey, I think about the New Jersey Devils. And still to this day, I don't understand why the NHL just didn't say that's an illegal defense.

You know what I mean? It's like when Will Chamberlain was fucking dunking on everybody, you know? They came up with rules to keep it competitive because it's a fucking business. You know? The three-second rule. You can't have some guy just standing in the fucking paint who's nine feet tall, gold-tending. They came up with that shit. And they came up with the legal defenses.

I still don't know why they allow that defense. It's the worst fuck. They had to get rid of the red line because of that shit. I don't know. But I was watching yesterday and they don't play it anymore, so I really enjoyed it. But as usual, they just got great fucking players and they play smart fucking hockey. And I don't know. I don't know.

It's going to be a tough fucking road. And for those of you who are... I don't want to know. This is the question I have for you. Who the fuck are these people who are trying to get the fighting out of hockey? I don't understand them. You know, watch a different sport. Hockey's not for you.

All right? And if it's somebody in hockey, stop doing it. Don't get rid of fighting in hockey. All right? And think that you're going to be as popular as baseball, basketball, or football. You're not. It's a rogue fucking sport. You know what really is hard about hockey?

If you didn't grow up playing it or in like a hockey family or in a hockey town, it's the hardest fucking game to watch on TV. I was kind of noticing that yesterday. Like you literally have to be not only watching what's on the screen, but what is like literally 20 feet to the left of your screen. You know what I mean? You've got to figure out like, guess when they're like, after a while you watch it long enough,

you know what's going on to the left or to the right of the play that is literally off the TV screen. You just, oh, they're changing lines. Like you just know shit like that. I can't see the puck. Well, fucking watch bowling. You're a blind bastard. All right.

Here's a question I had last week. Someone, I asked, what's the difference between a hotel and a motel? You know what I mean? I thought it was basically, you know, if your door opens up out to the parking lot, that is a fucking motel. If a serial killer doesn't have to kill somebody at a front desk and get in an elevator or at least walk 100 yards of carpet

before he kills you, that is a hotel. No, that is a motel. I'm sorry. If he has to do that shit, that is a hotel. And evidently, I am right because one person said that I was and that's the amount of research that I do with everything in my life. Bill, if you drive up to your room, you are at a motel and you deserve to hear the people fucking next to you.

Oh, wait. I read that wrong because I have dyslexia. Let me start over again. Take a deep breath. Focus. You can do this. Bill, if you drive up to your room, you are at a motel and you deserve to hear the fucking people next to you

talk about their free fucking HBO. Okay, that was really funny and I butchered it. Anyway, he goes, that shit sucks. Also, you are killing me. You are fucking killing me. You spent $89 on a cheap motel. Are you fucking nuts? I always hear about this internet stuff and I never do it.

And he writes in capital letters, dude. Then he goes back to regular typing. Listen to me. Go to Priceline next time you are traveling and look up a hotel and pick the highest star rating and do not bid any more than $89 and you will get the best hotel in the city for that price. I would tell you to go down to $59 or $69

but just stick with $89. Please, just try it once. I travel the road for 14 years and I kick myself in the ass when I realize what I have been missing out on. Thanks for the free podcast and the highlight of my Monday mornings. Well, thanks for the fucking info.

That's that William Shatner shit. I don't even pay attention to commercials. I just look at the fucking glitzy lights. I'm like, oh, look at William Shatner. He's keeping it going. The guy did the Star Trek 40 fucking years ago and he's still working. And he has a hell of a toupee.

All right, Ask Bill. Here we go. Here's the Ask Bill section of the podcast. Did I just stutter there? All right, Ask Bill. Bill, I need your advice. I had something very horrible happen to me and oh man, this is brutal.

Settle into your fucking, your staples office chair for this one, people. This is a tough situation, all right? I don't know if I got the life experience to get you out of this one. Ask Bill, okay, Bill, I need your advice. I had something very, very horrible happen to me and it's nobody's fault but mine.

Nobody's fault but mine. Sorry, let's open. All right, I have this friend who don't get me wrong, is a good friend, but is that one type of friend who's really fucking annoying but wanting to hang out 24-7. Just recently, I got a new girlfriend and I've been spending all my time with her.

My friend then became jealous, becoming more and more annoying by making me feel bad for being with my girl. Anyway, long story short, to vent, I wrote an email to my girl just trashing my friend up and down the fucking road for being the moron. Wait a minute, could you use a smaller type set? You know I suck at reading.

Okay, I see, trashing my friend up and down but being the moron that I am, and here we go, people, instead of just sending it, emailing it to her, I check the send all option, sending this horrendous email to everyone on my email list. Oops, my email list doesn't really have too many people on it but it does have the friend I was trashing, of course.

It just made me realize that you shouldn't say things behind someone's back if you can't say it to their face. So I'm nominating myself for douchebag of the week, LOL. Well, what would be your advice? Send an apology email or just ignore them. Ah, that's the worst. That's the worst, because you know what sucks about that is

you're 100% in the right that this guy is a douchebag but now you became the douchebag because, and you know what's funny? Is if he had a girlfriend, he would be doing the same thing. He just wouldn't have been dumb enough to fucking send, hit, send to everyone. I don't know, what should you do? Should you send an apology email?

No, first of all, stop writing things down on paper. That's number one, don't ever do that. And number two, learn how to spell apology. There's no E. I wouldn't just ignore him. You got to take it like a man. You just got to walk up to him and just be like, yeah, you know, I wrote it and you know what, I meant that you've been a cunt

and that's it. So you want to punch me in the face knowing that I'm going to defend myself and punch you too. So, you know, that's kind of where we're at. I know it sucks. I don't know. I think I'm getting uncomfortable thinking about the situation you put yourself in.

I really don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to do with that one. You got caught and you fucking, you kind of turned yourself in. You should be on America's dumbest shit talkers. You know, that show, right? America's dumbest criminals and the guys put whipped cream in their face and they stand in line at the bank and it melts off their face. By the time they get up, this is what this guy,

he did the email equivalent of that. I don't know what you got to do. I would just, I would be a laugh. You know what? I got no advice on this one. I got to throw this to the listeners, all right? I got to go to a, what do they say there? You got to, I got to phone a friend here.

If anybody has any advice on what the fuck this guy is supposed to do, I'll read it next week because I don't know what to do. You've, it's checkmate. Checkmate. I don't know what to do. Dump your girlfriend, change your name and move to Alaska. Either that or you just, I think you just got to take it. I think you just got to take it.

All right. So what did you learn? No more fucking emails, right? And you got to watch out too because you'll vent to your fucking girlfriends and even when she's in a good mood, she's still going to tell half the fucking story to one of her close friends. You know what I mean? I don't know why.

They just, they really, I don't know. You think women are bad at keeping, these guys are overrated about their ability to keep a secret? I'm going to keep it a secret because I forget shit. Not because I have any sort of code. I just, you know, I have really bad memory and I feel like three days I can't remember. Like you could literally be like, Bill, you know what? Don't say anything, but I fuck so-and-so's wife.

I feel like shit. I can't believe it. I was so much guilt. I just had to tell somebody, please don't tell anybody. And I'd be like, yeah, okay, yeah, dude, no problem, no problem. And literally, I'm not saying two, three days later, but if, by a year and a half, if I went out to dinner with all the people involved, maybe sometime around dessert, I would be like, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hey, fuck that guys. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. So it's not like I can keep a secret. I just, I can't fucking remember. Yeah, Bill, we got it. We got it. And we understood with the example.

You don't need to go back into it. Why don't you wrap up the fucking podcast? All right. You're 40 fucking minutes in. All right. Relax. This is gonna be a long podcast if I don't get going here. All right.

Let's get on to revenge stories. Okay. Now this is a question I have because every revenge story seems to be from guys. None of them seem to be from females. So finally a woman chimed in with some sort of revenge, but it wasn't really revenge or maybe it was revenge. And she was just doing the typical thing that women do when they tell stories is they never get to the fucking point.

No, kidding. Oh, Jesus. I'm crabby today. All right. Here's one from a hormon. Bill, I usually don't take serious revenge on someone, but I do take, I take so much pleasure in other person's fuck ups and misery. I always take comfort finding out that someone I hate has such a miserable life.

Here's a story about my egghead douche ex-boyfriend. All right. I already like the sound of this. All right. To start, to start the story, I will admit that I was a cunt who rarely, rarely gave him any sexual, anything sexual for two years. Jesus Christ. That's one of those relationships that died the final two years and no one,

no one just had the nerve to be like, hey, so why don't we both just fuck off? Anyways, she goes, at least he put up with, with that shit. Any other guy would probably want to do stuff or get sick of it and dump my ass. Anyway, he always played PC games such as World of Warcraft. He got so fucking engrossed in that game and paying money every month to renew his subscription. What a dumbass. However, players can talk to other players in their guild or on their side of the game. After I broke up with him, I found out that he was talking to some chick behind my back

for a year. The story gets better. This is, this is where my revenge happens. I don't have to do shit to ruin his, I didn't have to do shit to ruin his life. Okay. So after I dump his ass, he continues talking to the cunt he meant from, from the game. He thinks he's in love with her, parentheses, retard. So he goes to Canada to be with her where she lives.

I guess he thought she was going to be the one and he proposed. But a month later, he gets deported back to America and like a dumbass, he lets her keep the $3,000 ringer in her finger. After a short period of time, he tried to go back but he gets deported again. So he's a college dropout who lives at home with his mommy and he's out three grand. In addition, while after he starts dating, oh in addition, a while after he starts dating this Jewish bitch. They were dating for about a year and a half, one and a half years, then she dumps him because

she decides it doesn't, it's not going to work out because he's Catholic. And the icing on the cake is that all I have to do to make him feel even more pathetic is let him find out I bang my boyfriend and everything he does usually comes back to me because he keeps in contact with one of my good friends. Anyway, anyone who is on my bad side who has fucked with me has always had something come back to bite them in the ass. I take great pleasure in that. Jesus Christ.

Wow. That is a fucking yeah. Hell half no fury. I love how you dumped him and you think he's a loser and you're still getting enjoyment that he has this horrific life. That's scary, man. You know, I usually expect that sort of evilness out of guys. You know, that's just really frightening.

Like that's a mom. That's going to be somebody's mom. No more wire hangers ever. All right, Bill is another story of revenge. You know what was what that story? If you think I'm being a jerk to that person, it's that the guy really didn't do anything to you. You know, he was a lame dude. He was a loser.

You dumped him and then his life continued to go down the toilet. And I don't know and you just, I don't know, enjoying him getting dizzy as he goes down and I don't fucking get anyways. Anyways, there we go. Here we go. Venge story number two. About 20 years ago, I was living in downtown Chicago. By the way, this person is like, I know I read really bad out loud, but this guy is typing even a smaller type.

I don't understand. Can you guys type a little bit bigger and don't be a cunt and just give me the biggest size? Okay. That's really a second grade joke. All right. We're trying to do something serious here. Do whatever you want. I don't give a fuck.

I just started through the emails. Bill. Okay. Let me get out my magnifying glass. About 20 years ago, I was living in downtown Chicago and a high rise that had a multi-level parking garage. I paid a monthly fee and had a designated covered spot. This guy was doing great. It sounded like you worked like one of those fuck, oh, 20 years ago.

I think he was selling health insurance. Anyways, one night I came home to find another car parked in my assigned spot. Since it was about 2 a.m., I just said fuck it and drove to the roof deck where there was always plenty of open spaces. At about 10 a.m., I was looking out the window of my apartment and I saw a tow truck driving down LaSalle street with my car attached to the back. Since I was on the 18th floor, there was no chance to catch the tow truck, so I went down to the office and asked the management why my car was towed. She said that I was parked in someone else's spot. I explained that someone was parked in my spot and that there was probably 30 empty spots on the roof deck. Plus, the fact that my car had a sticker on the windshield showed that I was a resident.

She said that there was nothing she could do and so I asked to speak to the person who had my car towed. She called the girl who had my car towed and she came down to the office. She was a total cunt about the whole situation and insisted that she did the right thing. Well, since I couldn't blast this cunt in the face, I decided to take revenge on her car since I knew exactly where she parked. Once again, revenge is coming back to fucking up somebody's car. Alright, so here we go. Here is the revenge. I waited about two months and then I got a syringe from my mother who was a diabetic. Did you make sure she had an extra one? I hope you didn't take her last one. See? See what happens when you go down the road of revenge?

Next thing you know, you steal syringes from your mom. So anyways, I steal syringe from my mom who was a diabetic. Then I went to a sporting goods store and bought rut, which is basically deer urine. I then proceed to load the syringe with rut and I injected it into all the rubber moldings around the windows of this girl's car. It smelled awful. My parking spot was one level below her spot and I could smell it every day. I know that taking revenge on a car is a wimpy move, but it did feel good. Always remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. Jesus Christ. Wow man, do you like fucking CIA on that?

That's like something they would miss in the autopsy because it's little fucking needle fucking holes. I gotta admit, that is definitely, I mean, fucking up somebody's car is not too original, but that is... Dude, you grew up in the backwoods. No city kid knows about rut. You know what I mean? Yeah, you grew up in the backwoods. You did, didn't you? Your mom's a diabetic. You know, lived in a trailer, ate off a George Foreman grill. You were gonna show everybody in your high school class that you were better than this. So you got some big fancy job. You lived in a high rise. You had your own spot, you know? And you were looking out your window, looking out over the South Street, stroking your cock,

and you thought you had the whole world by the balls and what happened? They told you fucking monster me out of right out of your goddamn spot, right? And it brought you right back to your childhood, didn't it? And you took revenge the same way those kids took revenge on you in second grade. I don't want to fucking go with this shit. Alright, let's go to this next one. Alright, Bill, this is another story of revenge, Bill. So I did a check for two years on and off, and this was my first real girlfriend in high school.

And I thought she was the perfect, most amazing girl in the world. I was an idiot and like 17 years old. I'm still an idiot 23, but I sure as hell won't let this crap happen again. Anyways, I let her walk all over me and I just took it like a bitch. It was the kind of thing where she could fucking cheat on me in front of me and I'd believe her if she told me she wasn't. I was that fucking pathetic. Eventually though, after hearing that your girlfriend is cheating on you for so long, it eats away at you. Uh-oh, can you hear the foreboding music in the background? Eventually she posted some bullshit poem on MySpace about some dude she was going out with at the same time she was going out with me.

Wow, that's pretty bold. Anyway, she goes, the fucker who she was cheating with even had the balls to post on there talking about how sweet she was. So finally I had my proof she wasn't getting out of this. And here comes the revenge. So I actually messaged the guy and start telling him that I've been fucking her the whole time that he's been going out with her. And he starts telling me that he even knows of her cheating on him and he took her back. So we teamed up to destroy her. See, this is where it goes wrong.

This is where it gets evil. This is why I do not partake. They're teaming up now to destroy another human being and this is how it plays out. Alright, here we go. By this time I was out of high school and they were both, and uh, wait a minute. I was out of high school and they were both at the same high school. I guess the guy and this girl. Basically I showed up to her school and what we did was bring up all this shit that she did up in the middle of all her little fucking friends she cared about so much.

She cared so much about and explained how much of a whore she was. Other dudes even came up and said they were going out with her at the same time. I was fucking her and shit. This bitch was the fucking public bicycle everyone was riding. Well, it completely ruined the rest of high school for her. Now five or six years later, me and the dude are still friends. There's a win for the guys who got treated like shit out there. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, I guess, I don't know. Dude, that's just fucking, I don't know man. I cut my losses. I cut my losses. That reminds me of an intervention story where there was this girl whose dad didn't stick around. So she, I don't know what, and she develops young and the guys be like, hey, let me see a titties and she just show them to him. Not realize she just liked the fucking male attention. So she's dancing as a cheerleader and I don't know what she did.

She blew a couple of guys and so she's dancing as a cheerleader in the hope her entire college, I mean high school class just started chanting. Horror, horror, horror, horror, something like that. And then she burst it in tears and then she became a fucking alcoholic. You know what I'm saying? But you know something, you don't have the mentality to know that at that age and that show wasn't on. So why am I playing armchair quarterback and ruining your revenge? I don't know, revenge, I don't know, I don't know. It's fucking creepy, man.

We ruined the rest of high school for and then we high-fived and kicked a puppy. All right, here we go. Overrated, underrated, this is the last thing here. Overrated, and this is something that I've been meaning to bring up. This is one of the, I, overrated that I agree with I think the most. Overrated, multi-blade razors. A few months ago I started using my dad's old double edge razor made almost 20 years ago before I was born. It was fucking great.

My face feels better than ever and I can get 100 blades for less than what it costs for an 8 pack of those 3 or 5 blade cartridges. If you're going to shave like a man, introduce an element of danger to it. I actually have a couple of straight razors too but it's too much work and I don't use them on a regular basis. Dude, there's nothing true with this fucking, one of the worst things that ever happened to me on the road was I left my toiletries behind, I think in Tampa, a long time ago. Not only did I lose my little tough crowd shaving kit bag, I lost that fucking thing and I lost my twin blade razor. And then I went on to the triple ray blazer and I have a whisker underneath my nose that it just can't get it. It just doesn't get it. It sucks around your chin.

It's just terrible. The two blade razors is the shit and you will never get a closer shave than that. Everything else is fucking bullshit. I was wondering though, what about, you've seen those things on TV where you can sharpen your razor blades? Anybody buy one of those, huh? Is this podcast going on? Oh my god, 53 Moments, I gotta get out of here. Alright, underrated, your podcast, it's fucking great.

Thank you very much, I appreciate that. Here's another good one, overrated, chicks in bars and clubs, underrated, chicks at the laundromat. The skill set in these two groups is so far off, it's ridiculous. Chicks in bars and clubs just spackle on so much makeup that they can barely hold their heads up long enough to accept your drink before they shoot you down. But dude, dramatic pause, raising my eyebrow type shit. He actually typed that, helping me with my reading ability, I like that, I like directions. But dude, a chick in the laundromat is so sexy, it's crazy. They're wearing probably the last clean shit that they own that's just a little too tight.

They don't put on makeup, so dude, you're really sounding like a pervert right now. You know, they're wearing that last piece of clean clothes that they got, you know, it's a little bit too tight. They don't put any makeup on, they're pretty at that moment. And they look unbelievable and you know, they don't look like that for the rest of time. I'm just reading the rest of your shit like a pervert. Actually dude, you're right, you make some great points here. Plus they're doing some responsible shit while they're hungover. And they're trying not to throw up on their newly clean clothes.

Sorry, I went too long. Yeah dude, you did. You're actually making a great point. You do. Yeah, you did. Alright, that's the end of the podcast. Okay, it kind of petered out. Kind of like the Colorado River, not reaching the ocean anymore.

Anyways, before, I'm going to be in St. Louis this week at the House of Comedy. I have the link right there on my website. Go to BillBurr.com, B-U-R-R.com. And I want to thank everybody who came out to my Monday shows at the Punchline in San Francisco. I really wish, I talked about that in the beginning. To be honest with you, those were two of the best shows I've ever had in my life. That second show, it was ridiculous. For those of you who weren't there, I just started telling stories.

And I probably did close to an hour and a half, 15 minutes of which was actually from my act. So, you know, it was all material I'm never going to do again. Because it was all family stories and fucked up shit that I would never talk about on TV. So, I hope you guys enjoyed it. I had a great time and I'm thinking about coming up there again in a couple of months. I had the Punchline and maybe having that be a regular thing, just coming up on Mondays and doing a couple of shows. And just venting about the people in my life, you know, and not having to worry about them ever hearing about it. Alright, and that is it.

Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you guys for contributing and what else? Well, you know what, people have been asking me about my MySpace page, asking about the comments. I kind of haven't been adding accepting comments since last September. I just kind of forgot about it. I just was adding friends and answering emails. I think the podcast took up a lot of time. So, I'm back to accepting comments.

I literally had like 400 or 600 comments. It didn't allow me to, you know, here it is, comment approvals. I'll click on this right now. This is garbage time right now. You don't even need to listen to this shit. I have 419 that I have to approve. So, I'm trying to get back on that shit. But anyways, that's it.

Thank you guys for listening to the podcast. And I'm going to try to get some new photos up there on my website and on the MySpace page. That's it. You guys have a great week. Okay, bye-bye. Thank you. Wishin' it was, wishin' it was more like fantasy And that my face surprises me Wishin' it was

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