Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-24-22

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

Bill rambles about racing, filming, and food trucks. Masterclass: And as a Monday Morning Podcast listener, you get 15% off an annual membership!  Go to MASTERCLASS.com/BURR  Helix: Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at Helix.com/BURR.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you.

All right, oh, I'm in a mood. Oh, freckles. The old brown spots are simmering today on his fucking nose. Jesus Christ, a buddy of mine sends me a tech message and he's like, MotoGP was great this week. You might want it, but you got to check out the F1. The F1 was incredible.

All right, so I'm thinking, oh my god, we got some racing. We got some racing going on. We got some passing. We got all of this shit going on, right? And I'm watching the race. And it's great. Ferraris are out front. I don't know why they're maroon now,

but I'm enjoying that. Max Verstappen's out there. You know, that Perez guy's driving for Red Bull. I'm a little behind in the sport. So I'm like, oh, wow, some shit jumbled around. You know, Daniel Ricardo's all the way in the back of the race because he's driving some fucking shit box ever since he left Red Bull, which is my problem

with that sport is it's really the team that you're with is bigger than the driver's skill. Because when Ricardo was with Red Bull, he was getting podiums all the time. He was winning races. He was drinking out of his fucking boot. You know, now he's in the back of the race. It's the same driver, different team, you know?

So anyway, speaking of which, I'm watching the race. And I'm like, look at Mercedes struggling. Louis Hamilton, fifth, sixth place, the whole fucking race, right? And I'm like, all right, this is good. Finally, some new fucking blood. You know, I know Mercedes will get the car dialed in. This is good, right?

So we get to the end of the race. John Lechler, Ferrari fucking first place. The other Ferrari driver is in second place. Max Verstappen is in third. And Perez is in fourth. And Louis Hamilton is in fifth. All right? And that driving, there's like five fucking laps to go.

All of a sudden, this guy's car catches on fire. Louis Hamilton is completely out of the race and out of podium, right? Fucking guy's car catches on fire. They got the new rules. They do the fucking restart, whatever the hell it is. Now he's in the leader group. But I'm like, here he comes.

Here he comes. The rich kid is fucking the richest car out there. Oh, for fuck's sakes, I'm not answering that. Yes, I still have a house phone. Do I need to answer something and answer that? Ah! Hang on, hang on. Hello?

Fucking assholes. Trying to reach me for my car's extended warranty. We've been trying to reach here. Hey, guys, you're a robot. Fuck off. OK, let me guess. You have a diamond mind that I can invest in, and then you'll cover my muffler?

Anyway, yeah, he's like in fifth fucking place. They get to like the second to last lap. All of a sudden, Max Verstappen's car just dies. Just fucking dies. Nobody passed anybody. It dies. So now Lewis Hamilton is in fourth place. He's almost on the podium.

And I'm thinking, oh, he's going to pass Perez. Here we go. And he can't because his car fucking sucks, right? So I'm like, oh, great. The rich kid finally having a tough race. I get to watch him pout. One of my favorite things in the world, watching Lewis Hamilton sitting in his car

with his helmet on, acting like the world just ended because he didn't get on a podium. I'd say, no, it's the little things in life. Ever since I saw that, I saw Botos be a teammate for him. And then like six races later, it's like five years ago, the exact same scenario was presented where Lewis could have hooked up Botos. And he's just like, yeah, no, I'm not doing it.

And I was just like, you're a cunt. Fuck you. That's it. I'm done with you, right? So now there's one lap to go. Lewis Hamilton cannot catch up with Perez. By the way, Ferrari is going to be one and two for the first time in like 46 years at this race.

Announcers could give a fuck. They're doing what they always do. They're screaming, and Lewis Hamilton is now in fourth place. Right? I swear to God, the guy's voice is that high. They get to the final fucking lap. The other red bull car just dies. It goes around and turns.

The engine just fucking dies, and he wipes out. And Lewis Hamilton, and the fucking announcers are like, oh my god, this is incredible. What a race. Who would have thought it? Oh, Lewis Hamilton is now in third place. He made Lewis Hamilton makes the podium. He's screaming the whole fucking time.

Guys coming in third place, they said Lewis Hamilton, more than they did, they said Ferrari's one and two. And then they told me it was an incredible race, not because Ferrari went one and two, not because Lewis Hamilton passed two red bull cars on the final two fucking laps, because both cars fucking died. And they're so excited that their goddamn golden boy gets on the fucking podium.

And my buddy had the fucking balls to tell me that that was a good race. Then I get to see, you know what he's like? He's like the cunt in every coming-of-age 80s movie, except in the end, he's still banging the cheerleader. Ah. Would you ever think you could get this worked up about people driving cars?

You know what it is? It's just, they were acting like he passed somebody. He didn't pass anybody. It's the same reason that I don't like the NBA, I don't like the fucking, at least when Daniel Stern was running it and he used to just rub his balls. He'd paint his nutsack purple and fucking gold

and just root for the Lakers to make the finals every fucking year, like openly. Like, well, not Daniel Stern, that's the actor, David Stern, what's your dream finals? Oh, the Lakers versus the Lakers. Then they have a mobbed up ref who helped the Lakers get there, but Stern wasn't involved.

No, not at all, not at all. That guy ran a nice, tight ship the whole time he was there. That league wasn't finessed whatsoever. Yeah, yeah, the Knicks won the lottery in 85 and got fucking Patrick Ewan, absolutely fucking Lutely, absolutely. I'm buying all of that shit, I'm buying all of that shit. You know, the fucking Kevin Garnett trade.

Oh yeah, they made total sets and all of a sudden, you know, the NBA needs, you know, it's just the ratings are down. Let's just get the Lakers and Celtics going again. Let's just give them that finals two years in a row. Okay, sounds good. Dial it up. No one can tell me differently.

I literally heard an NBA player one year when they lost in the playoffs, he goes, yeah, we just didn't fit their script. He literally said it and people still sit there and act like the most easily manipulated fucking game out there. Oh, look at that great player. He could do some damage today.

There's two quick fouls and out of the game you go. All right, sorry. Anyway, Louis Hamilton is in third place. Can you believe it? It's unbelievable. Whoa, whoa, rice. It was fantastic.

It was brilliant. Spectacular. He came in third place. I don't know what's more hilarious to me. Watching those announcers screaming about Louis Hamilton getting third place in a race or watching Vladimir Putin score a goal in a pickup hockey game.

I don't know what is more ridiculous to me. Or to use the great Dennis Miller's reference, Elvis Presley. Look at that, I was so worked up, I hit stop on the record. The great Dennis Miller's reference, watching Elvis Presley do karate. Dennis Miller had this amazing joke a long time ago

and one of my favorite stand-up specials of all time, the black or white special. Black, no, the off-white, the off-white album? No, that was the album. I think it was the black or white special. I forget what the fuck, oh my God, I'm fucking old. It was like 30 years ago. So he had this, now I have to look it up.

That's gonna drive me nuts. He had this joke saying, so-and-so deserved something about as much as Elvis Presley deserved his black belt. Oh, black and white. All right, that was a stand-up special. That was it, yes. Yeah, Mr. Miller goes to Washington in that.

Two huge specials for all young Billy Burr when I used to watch stand-up comedy. So anyway, it was still fun though. And by the way, for all you Lewis Hamilton fanboys, I know that guy is fucking amazing. Okay, and I know his story is amazing. It is amazing, okay? Without a fucking doubt, okay?

But I just, Jesus Christ, the guy came in third place. All right, he didn't just cure COVID. Oh my God, it's unbelievable. Lewis Hamilton just went through a drive-thru and ordered a Big Mac. And he got the fries. Oh, this hurt my voice. Lewis Hamilton.

I dropped my wife nuts when I watched the fucking, the races, because all I do is scream, acting like that fucking guy. Anyway, so another week done. Another week done on the movie. I have people I have a week and a half left. You know, as mentioned before, I could not be having a better time, but I am wiped out.

I had, you know, I've been getting as many of my friends in on this movie as I can. Two of my buddies came in this past week, did a fucking great job. They were getting laughs after the take. The takes worked with a beyond a legend, legendary actor this past week. Can't name any of the fucking names

because that's how this game is played, but it's been good, man. I've been staying on my diet, although, you know, we do have food trucks come down and we had these fried chicken sandwiches and I was like, fuck this, I'm doing that. All right, I've been eating the protein, the size of the palm of my hand,

with green beans, they're all fucking weak. I'm eating nuts and berries in between. Fuck this, I'm getting the fried chicken sandwich, the Nashville hot fried chicken sandwich with the coleslaw on it, the curly fries, and a fucking root beer. And it was absolute, I was so psyched that it was delicious because I was talking to Mahuaaf this morning

telling her how good the hot chicken sandwich was because, you know, those things are really, it's not even hit or miss, it's usually at 90 misses, and then it hit because, you know, I really feel like fried chicken is like pizza, where like anybody can make it taste good, but to make it taste great. Like there's just so many okay pizza places.

Like if I was to pick one food that there is, you know, I don't know, just an infinite amount of okay pizza places that stay in business just because it's pizza. Like, you know, that's one of the fucking things with like the restaurant business evidently is one of the, you know, scariest businesses to go into. You can totally lose your shirt and all of that type of shit.

And, you know, yeah, you can lose all your fucking money, but you can, I think the safest bet, the blue chip stock is to go in and make a fucking, you know, start a pizza parlor. Because at the very least, as long as you got a location, even if your pizza sucks, your pizza absolutely sucks, but you're just on a corner

where there's gonna be a bunch of drunks pouring on a bar, every Friday and Saturday night, you're gonna be able to meet your fucking overhead. Just filling their bellies with your mediocre fucking, it's cheese, tomato sauce, and dough, right? And all the drunks allowed themselves, you know, that it's soaking up the alcohol. I love that it soaks up the alcohol in your stomach.

And it's like, yeah, but then you don't puke up the pizza. The pizza stays in your stomach and then goes into your system. It's one of the dumbest things ever. I need a slice of pizza. I can absorb some of this alcohol. There's no different than what do they do? They put alcohol in a fruit punch bowl.

Same thing. So I'd say that, and then fried chicken is another one. So, you know, I'd say, I'm not like blowing up a spot out here because there's a line like it's Disneyland, is howlin' rays is the best fucking fried chicken sandwich I've gotten in LA, and it's not even close. It's fucking amazing.

And then yesterday this food truck came up, which I didn't get the name of because I was too busy wearing out, you know, down the fucking set and the sandwich just came, but it was fucking amazing. I'm gonna get the name of their food truck so I can give them a shout out because they fucking killed it.

And everybody was, you know, everybody was excited. So I was happy with that, but I will tell you that is howlin' rays was so good, but their line is so fucking long that I've tried to find another place and I've given up, I've given up. I'm just like, you know what? You know, there's really not another place out there.

Although I will tell you, there's a spot in Glendale, but it's not like hot chicken or anything like that called Dinah's Chicken. It's an old school place. That place is fucking great. Every once in a while when I'm on that side of town, you know, and I'm in the mood, I swing by there and I get a fucking two-pish and I'm very happy.

Mashed potatoes, because I'm a white guy from the suburbs, you know, which I didn't realize mashed potatoes was like a northern, like European fucking, like to me, like mashed potatoes are a fucking staple of so many meals. You know, you have a pork chop, you have mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving dinner, you have mashed potatoes. You know, you make a steak, you have mashed potatoes.

Now I'm just saying, like, you know, to me that's the best kind of fucking potatoes. There are mashed potatoes with fucking gravy, you know. This is before everybody got all foofy with the food channel, put rosemary and garlic in. I'm just, was fucking mashed potatoes. Milk, butter, salt, go fuck yourself. Gravy on top was the greatest thing ever.

Without roast beef, fucking meal, and the carrots thrown in there too. Under seasoned, you know, like the German-Irish food that I ate growing up. It wasn't until I got with my lovely Nia that she's like, you have mashed potatoes? I was like, yeah, and she was like, sweet potatoes. And I was like, what is this sweet potato?

I literally never had one. And she thought it was fucking hilarious. Then I had mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving. And I was looking at her like, you don't have, that's a big fucking thing, huh? I bet with like married couples, you know. You come together with somebody, right? You know, and if you marry outside of what you are,

and I'm not even talking like racially, if you're just married, like, you know, if you're Irish and you marry into Italian, like Italians have like that, that, that fisherman's feast, whatever the fuck that is, the seven fucking courses or whatever. Tom Papa was teaching me about that. It's all this fucking seafood and lasagna and shit.

And I'm just like, this is Thanksgiving. Like where's Thanksgiving is turkey, fucking mashed. Well, maybe that's their Christmas. I think that's Christmas. It's turkey. This is my, okay. This is, what are you, this is my fucking go-tos. All right.

At a Thanksgiving dinner, I don't give a fuck if I'm at the White House, I'm walking out. If there's not, that'd be fucking hilarious. Can you imagine getting invited to the White House for Thanksgiving, you know, and they didn't have mashed potatoes and stuffing.

And you just like, yeah, I'm out. I'm out, where you going? I'm going to Boston Market. It's fucking Thanksgiving. I don't give a shit if they have chicken down there. You don't have the right sides. That's the real deal with Thanksgiving. I don't know why I'm talking about this in March.

Because my head's fucking spinning from doing all this bullshit. But I'll tell you right now, you don't have the right sides. Fuck you. Fuck your family. And your Thanksgiving. Oh yeah. Oh, I went there.

Look, at first I was, I'm yelling at the golden boy, Louis Hamilton, and that's Silver Arrow of a Mercedes. He's in ninth place. All right, I have to stop doing that. It's just hurting my fucking voice. Jesus Christ, can you go in the house or out of the fucking house? Damn kids, man.

In and out, in and out. Bing, bing, bing. Bong, bong, bong. Bong, bong, bong. All right, hang on a second. Let me do the Reads here for the week. Why don't I do that? Some fucking screaming about men driving around in cars.

I literally got off my couch like, you got to be fucking kidding me when the second one, shit, the bet. All right, bet, MGM. Oh, look at everybody. Oh my god, it's tournament time. It's tournament time. And how about a shout out to Coach K,

getting by Michigan State and Coach Izzo, who's had his number all these years and they're still alive. I mean, you got to watch every Duke game. I swear to God. I swear to God, even when I'm fucking home, I can't fucking relax. Every five...

Every day, every day, there's 5,000 fucking, my wife's a planner. She's always planted something. There's always 50,000 fucking people coming over here to do something. To do something. Bing, bing, bing. Bong, bong, bong.

Bong, bong, bong. Dumbest fucking things you can ever do is get a fucking alarm for your house. Anytime anybody fucking goes out, listen to that fucking thing, can you... Why wouldn't you just leave the door open? If you're going to go in and out like that. All right, Ben MGM, everybody, it's tournament time.

Riff about college hoop excitement. Well, I'll tell you right now, oh boy, oh boy, when those kids paint their faces and that guy goes, oh, he's a primetime player, baby. Do I really need a riff about college hoop excitement? It's one of the best things ever. That's going to get ruined pretty soon. Pretty soon.

Pretty soon these kids will start getting paid. And then it's just going to be just like the pros. I mean, I'm not saying they shouldn't get paid, but right now, you don't have to worry about it. I'm not saying they shouldn't get paid, but right now, you know what I mean? It's kind of like the UFC. Eventually they're going to break up that monopoly.

So as a fight fan, you really have to enjoy that the best have to fight the best before inevitably that'll get broken up. And it'll be like when boxing became, I'm the IBF heavyweight champion. I'm the WBA heavyweight champion. I'm the WBC heavyweight champion. Which one of these champions is the real champion?

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Okay, we have reached the end of the podcast. So at this point, now that I've calmed down, I'm not mad about the Bing Bang Bong in the fucking front door right now. I just realized it's the alarm guy coming over here fixing the fucking alarm. All right, I am a little upset that there's people out there that cold call people to try to steal old people's money.

Do you know there's a new scam that they fucking, they say they kidnapped your kid and they have like the recording of a kid's voice to try to get your money? Like, let me read this here, just so you guys are wise, this kidnapping scam. Yeah, but then what if it's real and you're like, eh, that doesn't sound like my kid.

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watch out for scammers. God, it is such a fucking dark world. Oh my God. I mean, I would just be so relieved when my kid called. I don't even think I'd be even mad that they took my fucking money, but those people that do that should be hung by their fucking balls and pussy lips if it's women,

whoever's doing it. All right, that's it everybody. That is the podcast. The NHL playoffs are coming up, NBA playoffs are coming up. I'm almost done with this movie. I want to thank you guys for your patience listening to these half hour episodes as opposed to hour long episodes,

at least on Monday anyways. That's it, I'll got anything better is gonna be getting back up and running soon. That is it and enjoy your weekend, you fucking cats. Oh wait, there's a little bit of music here. They would have a bonus, a bonus episode of Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning podcast.

That's it, I will see yous. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 24th, 2014. What's going on? How are you? I'm back in the United States.

Oh, say can you see that fucking fat chick with the pockets buying a hot dog and sit up on right as I get off the tarmac and she puts on some frost. Sorry, I didn't see that. For some reason I was picturing a fat woman with the pockets that are at least a foot apart.

You know what I mean? I don't know why I was thinking that. I don't know, but I'm back, I'm in my house. It's nice to be sleeping in my own bed after three weeks being away. It's nice to see that my house is still here and that the people I love are still, in fact, not in detention camps.

It's weird being away that long. And then coming back, I'm still a little out of it, man. You know, I'm not a young guy anymore. Takes me a couple of days to settle back into my routine, you know, a gum in my way through some fucking grape nuts that I let soak in the fucking milk, you know, toss a little banana on top of it. You know, it's funny, every time I go to get a banana,

I deliberately don't take the one with the sticker on it. I take that one last because I worked with the comic who had a bit about it and every fucking night I had to listen to him do this bit about how and which one do we take, the one with the sticker? And then what would you do? You'd stick it on your forehead and he kept fucking opening with the joke

or closing with it. I just heard it six times. I'm talking like 15 fucking years ago to this day, I will not take a banana first. That as occasionally I do, you know, and somewhere I hear him say, I told you, and I'll be like, what do you mean you fucking told me? That's like once in a blue moon.

And then the ghost of his voice is going, yeah, but you're doing it on purpose. If you didn't hear my bit, you would have done it every time. So my joke's right. It's like, you know what, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. What are you doing talking in my head?

Okay, this should just be me and all my friends, not you. You're not invited. All right, so fuck you and your theories about the fruit that I consume. All right, all right, everybody. It's fucking March 24th, okay? And if you live in a colder climate in the Northern Hemisphere,

you gotta start, you gotta be getting excited, right? Daylight savings, the snow's starting to thaw, right? The ladies are starting to hit the gym. You're gonna hit the gym. Everybody's gonna hit the gym. You know, here comes May. May's right around the corner and everybody, you know, the guy's gotta get out the guns.

The lady's gotta show off their thighs. Everybody has to look desirable. So somehow they meet that certain someone that's just gonna hold them at night and tell them that everything's gonna be okay. But that's not gonna happen, right? Unless you're in shape by May. So put down those winter cookies, everybody.

May is coming. April is a fucking wash. Nobody gives a fuck about April, except neo-Nazis, because Hitler's birthday is sometime in there, right? And they all get together with their awful haircuts and their stupid mustaches, you know? Cause they just wanna be a part of something

and they had awful parents who just didn't get them into scouting. So what are they doing instead? They joined the Hitler youth. You know why? Because they're weak fucking people, all right? If you have to go out and join a fucking group, you know, at any goddamn age,

you know, unless it's something just fun, I guess being a neo-Nazi, it's gotta have its upsides, right? The boots. You know, getting to borrow your other fucking Nazi friends' clippers when you're sheer off the side of your skull, whatever the fuck you do.

I don't fucking, I don't want the fuck I'm talking about. You know, fuck groups. My groups can be all right. You know, I guess they can be okay. I'm trying to think of a good group. What's a good group? Like just a group of people, they get together in a group of people

that get together in a group and somehow they're not fucking annoying. I mean, there's even people out there where I agree with what they're doing, but the second the group gets the commercial on TV and they just start going, you know, every day over 8,000 poodles get their hair straightened against their will.

I mean, when they start showing the saddest footage, I start fucking hating the poodle people. I don't hate poodles. I don't like them, you know, but I feel like they should wear their hair the way they want to. I'm definitely for that, but I don't need some fucking former sitcom star

who's put on some goddamn booze of baby weight coming up the fucking screen in the middle of the goddamn game, telling me why I gotta care about a fucking Pecanese, whatever the fucking dog it is. One of those goddamn dogs that you see fucking, walking around in a purse, right? These fucking women walking around,

never had a baby, or want a baby, so now they got to have this fucking little primate in there. You're my little baby. You're my little baby, right in your little lipstick. You're my little baby. Ugh. Two to the back of the head, no trial in my world. If I was running shit, you know?

And that probably seems harsh, but did I say I'd feed my naked uncle to a bunch of dogs like old fat face over there? Huh? How soft is that guy look, around that fat fuck over there and fucking, what do you call it? North Korea, is that what we're calling it nowadays?

The old NK? He looks soft. You could take that guy down, you know? Call his number, a little pitch out, run the old pack or sweep, your job's to force it to the inside. You know, I come in, I fill the fucking lane, you don't think I'm gonna drill him right between

his fucking hairless mantits? I'll knock some of his non-earned metals right off his fucking uniform. What do you think about that? I'll do that at 45, I'm calling it right now. Calling it right now. All right? Red gets the A-gap!

Oh, shit. Anyways, yeah, so I'm back in town. I feel like I should have started a song right there, like one of those fucking Beatles songs where all the women start screaming and yelling, you know, impregnate me, that's what they're saying. Or are they saying I'll suck it? I don't know what they're saying,

but all of them are well into their fucking 60s at this point. All those fucking young women that you hear screaming on that, I'd sell them and show you. Let's just say the media age was like, what, 13 years old? That was 50 fucking years ago. They're 63 years old at this point. You know, that's how quick it fucking goes.

So that's my message to you this week, everybody. All right? I don't have no fucking message. I'm just happy to be home. My fucking brain's all over the goddamn place. You know, it's just all over the fucking place. As it always is, I don't have any fucking desire to do stand-up for a while.

I gotta tell you, I got my fill of it in that tour. 22 fucking shows, doing about an hour and a half a night in 20 days, I've had enough. I've had enough of the what's up with the fucking lamp over there, okay? I'm gonna take at least 10 days off. I'm not doing shit. You guys know I came home.

I barely left the fucking house. My wife's looking at me like I'm a psycho because I'm usually like I get home for two seconds. I throw my bags down and then I walk out the door and she'll just be like, where are you going? I'm just like, I'm like, I'm all fucking wound up. I just feel like I have to go out. I just, I don't know where I go.

Drive around, go fucking play drums. I don't know what I do. The fuck do I do? Drink. I have no fucking idea. I can tell you right now, though, I'm all in with the cigar shit, though, after my second stop in Calgary.

We met like this, we went to the cigar bar out there for the second time, me and Verzi, and met this character and a half that ran this cigar bar, fucking great guy, and he just, all he has is Cubans in his shop. And dude, he broke down the whole fucking thing. How they're wrapped, how to cut the thing. I mean, just going right, it'd be like, you know,

if you played, I don't know, a sport, and then like a fucking pro came in and just broke your game down to the basics, that's what this guy did. And we smoked these things. I'm gonna say it right. Partigas, the number twos, and at this point, that's the only reason

why I would get on a fucking plane this week, would literally be to fly back to Calgary to get a box of those things, you know? And then rent like a fucking, you know, Dodge Stratus, one way to Boise, and then jump on a plane and come back. That's the only fucking reason I do that shit. I know, I'm babbling. I'm all in, I'm all in, I'm fucking done.

That habit got its hooks in me, and I'm not complaining. But the great thing is I live in the United States, so I can't get any fucking Cubans other than the counterfeit ones. You know, although they'll give you one that's hard as a fucking rock and doesn't have a good draw and you're just sitting there like I might as well be smoking a Dutch master.

So whatever, what are you gonna do? This is gonna be something I'm gonna do when I leave the country. I'm just gonna smoke fucking Cubans, and then when I come back, I'm gonna act like it never happened. You know, like a sex offender, right? Goes to Thailand, does whatever the fuck he does,

and then comes back and then, you know, that shit's not available here, and then you just go about your business. I'll just do that in a fucking cigar kind of way. Anyways, what the fuck did I wanna talk about here? But oh, and once again, I know I've almost thankin' everybody for the last few weeks. Thank you to everybody who came out to the shows.

That was really a life-changing tour, and Canada is now in the loop, and you know, when I write my next hour, I'm gonna do the usual tour of the States, usual tour of Europe, usual tour of Australia, and now Canada is, I'm adding that. So that's the deal. I'm just gonna keep expanding the fuckin' circle,

and you know, the fuck else, my God. That makes perfect. I get on a fuckin' plane, I sit there, I read a dumb magazine, I get off, there's somebody standin' there, goin', are you the freckled cunt that's gonna dance like a monkey? And I say, I am your huckleberry,

and they say, how many bags do you have? And I say, well, I got one, and they go, is that your bag right there? And I say, you know what it is? That is my bag. And then when I say, you don't need to pick it up, it's got wheels on. It's not the fuckin' 70s,

where you gotta be a goddamn man, have some sort of fuckin' forearm strength, I can just carry this like a golf bag on one of those little wheelie things. We walk to the car, I go to the hotel, I get a fuckin' burger, go to sleep, I get up in the morning, I do the fuckin' radio, and that night I do the show, and then I leave.

No boss, no fuckin' inventory, no nothin'. I just gotta dance like a monkey for a fuckin' hour. That's all I gotta get, I gotta get my fuckin' monkey ass there, and then I just do my thing, and then I leave. No bullshit, no conference calls, no support system, no friends, no anybody else, it's just me, all right?

I know it's not perfect. Hey, you know what, I actually do have to fuckin', believe it or not, I do have to take another flight this week, I can't fuckin' believe it, because yours truly is getting ready to pick a theater to shoot his next special, May, June-ish. I'm ready to go, this hour is ready to go, ready to be recorded, ready to be put the fuckin' bed

to move on to the next one, and I'm not excited about going to the airport, I'm not gonna fuckin' lie to you, but I am excited to just fuckin' land and pick one. I'm gonna try to pick a theater that has a combination of the vibe where I feel like I'm gonna kill in the room and of the least cunt-y union guys, you know? That's basically how I'm gonna do it, you know?

Just fuckin' union guys, I'm so pro-union, it's ridiculous, and then you get around union guys, and you're like, oh, this is why people don't like unions, you know? One of the times, I can't remember which fuckin' special it was, I taped it this place, right? And they were required to have four guys work in the stage, because usually bands play there, and I get it, okay?

So I gotta pay three guys who aren't gonna do fuckin' shit, but it's like, can you at least just have the decency to fuck off then, go in a back room and play cards, rather than just sitting there in the chair, right out in the open. Like, look, yeah, yeah, I ain't doin' shit, and you're payin' me. You know, just have a little fuckin' tact.

I get it, it's your house, your rules, I'm in your world, but you know, fuckin' unbelievable. You've literally become what you were fighting, I feel. You know, or maybe I'm just bein' a douche. Who knows, you know, maybe I am. I don't fuckin' know, but that's what I'm doin' this week, I'm gonna pick out a venue, and as always, then the game plans to get the, figure out roughly

what jokes I'm gonna try and do, and see what happens that night, and hopefully I outdo my last special, because you know, you just compete against yourself. That's all you could do. All right, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. I do one of these every single week, and I'm actually recording this Sunday night,

which is why it came out a little bit earlier. I usually record it Monday mornings, wherever I'm at, which is why it's called the Monday Morning Podcast, despite the fact that most people consider it, while it should be during my Monday, you know? The typical internet cunts, the demanding cunts, who then have, turn around and have the nerve to look at celebrities and be like,

oh, look at their diva-ish behavior, and they don't see the seed of it in themselves. You know what I mean? They don't see that, you know, if they actually had their own show, that maybe they would be the cunt. They never see it. These internet cunts never, they never fucking see it.

They're the same fucking people that bitch about, how there's no original movies coming out, while they go to Pirate Bay and steal all the movies, and nobody can make any fucking money. So basically, they're either gonna make like a low-budget movie at this point, or they're gonna make a Transformers, because even if you steal it, it's not gonna be as cool,

I guess, if you went down to the IMAX and you saw the blue people trying to fuck each other with the umbilical cords, whatever the fuck that movie was. What was that called? Argo, it began with an A. Action. What the fuck was that movie called? God damn it, I used that as a reference for like two years.

Puckelyptu. Ooh. Whatever it was, it was a fucking chick flick. It was like if you took the Smurfs and you stretched them out, you know, like that Good Times art that J.J. allegedly was painting. You remember that? Except you did that with the Smurfs,

and then they fucked each other and rode a dragon. I think somewhere in there there was criticism about America's foreign policy. I believe it was James Cameron. Wasn't he the same guy who did the Titanic, right? With that chick who punched herself in the cleavage, would sing that song. In the arms of an angel, riding on the front of a ship.

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That's legalzoom.com, promo code Burr. Legal Zoom provides self-help services and can connect you with the right attorney, but they're not a law firm. Legal Zoom, promo code Burr, B-U-R-R. Fucking hilarious. I had one read and I butchered the shit out of it. You know?

That's like the afternoon hockey game, right? The team never fucking shows up. Speaking of hockey, how about those Bruins, huh? Good Lord. I knew that they were on a little run there. When I was up in Canada, I saw a little bit of it, but I was so damn busy, I didn't get to watch too many of the games,

although I watched them kick the fucking habs ass for the nuttin' in their own building. Yeah, I believe they've won like 13 in a row. I watched the last two. They look, I mean, they played Phoenix. It gives a fuck, right? Phoenix. And for the life of me,

I can't remember who they played before that, because after it's over, I don't fucking remember it anymore. But either way, you know what I watched today and I actually, if the Bruins don't get to the finals or whatever, the team that I'm gonna root for this year to win the Stanley Cup is the St. Louis Blues. You know, they've never won a cup, okay?

And they've had a lot of bad years and they have great fans. And they made a lot of great moves. And you know, they got Ryan Miller, which was a strong move. And although I gotta tell you, if the way they played today against the Penguins, if they're gonna start doing that shit,

it's gonna be hard to fucking root for them, you know? Why don't they just open up the damn game again and everybody stop fucking with this insane goddamn defense and blocking the shots already? You know, I actually looked up some stats this week, believe it or not, I'm not just gonna just make up shit. I actually looked it up.

Do you realize Sidney Crosby, for all the fucking goddamn glory they give that guy, he's only scored 50 goals in a season once. Patrick Kane has never done it. Ovechkin, I think, has done it like twice. And it's a fucking disgrace. I'm not saying it's on them, just the way the games played. Back in the day,

there'd be like four or five guys who get 50 goals a year for like four seasons in a row. That was their height. Fucking Gretzky was getting like 90, 70, 60. It was fucking insane. The guy scored like 300 goals in about five years. I know he's one of the greatest, but I mean, there was all those other guys.

Mike Bossy was good for 50 a year for about three, four years. You just never see it anymore. I don't fucking get it. Fucking cocksuckers, man. Bringing one of the forwards back with the defense. I mean, it just gets boring after a while. Let him score some goddamn goals, all right? They're trying, right?

They're trying to make the pads a little smaller. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know what's funny? I really have nothing to talk about this week. I just realized that shit because I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing anything. You know, they finally started the construction, the rebuild downstairs.

After all the fucking bullshit, the back and forth, the back and forth, the back and the forth. It's literally a year later and now they're finally, you know, they finished the upstairs room and then downstairs, it was a bunch of crap, you know, back and forth with that shit.

So I finally got my insurance money back from my mortgage company. I got all of it back. And for those of you in the banking system, you know what that means. So they're actually, they're finally gonna rebuild down there. Which is nice. I'm excited.

But what sucks is everything from downstairs had to fucking come upstairs and it's an absolute shit show and it's depressing. It's depressing. You know what's really depressing? Not that they're doing this stuff. It's that I just realized how much fucking shit. And the key word is shit that I've saved over the years

that I wish I never saved because now I can't throw it out. I had this thing where I would fucking, any stand-up show I did, if there was a comedy t-shirt, I just folded it and I stuck it in a fucking plastic container. And you know, I've been doing it for 22 years now.

I have everything back from the first one I did, right on through, I mean, I got everything. I got a Jim Norton down and dirty with Jim Norton hoodie zip up. I mean, I wouldn't throw that one out, but like some of the other ones I have, a bunch of comedy central shit. And I can't throw it out cause I'm sentimental

but I'm never gonna wear any of it. It's just gonna sit in a fucking container until I die. So I got rid of all my cassette tapes, which was a big fucking move for me. I'm a bit of a pack rack sentimental kind of thing. My next move is I'm getting rid of all my fucking CDs. I'm just gonna do it. It's weird.

I get sad when I go to do it. And then after I do it, I feel like this weight off of my chest, like here's a fucked up thing for you. When I did a long time ago, I did it gig on TV and it was one of those deals when they had like a hundred comics did it. And one of the things they did was they gave you,

they gave you a nice piece of luggage, which I always thought was funny. Like, you know, hey, you did the show. Great job. Thanks for burning the material. Like get back on the road, you fucking hack. Cause we own that material now, you know? So that was back in 2005.

And the bag they gave me, it finally gave out where it was gradually ripping. Ah, fuck I'm yarded here. It was gradually ripping. And then finally my last flight from Newark when it was coming down the belt, I could literally see my clothes in it. So I was like, all right,

it's time to get rid of this fucking thing. Of course I was going to try to get a repair and get it sewed up. And my wife was like, Bill, why don't you just fucking buy a new one? All right. So I said, fine. So I actually took the bag over to Goodwill today

with some other bullshit that I threw in there. And I had to set it down quickly and walk away. So I wouldn't be thinking of like, but I got that from that TV gig. I did a half hour. It was important to me and that bag with the gift from it. Like I'm a fucking idiot like that. I literally walked up,

I set it down and the guy at Goodwill goes, thank you, sir. You want a receipt? And I was like, no, it's all good. And I fucking had to run back to the car. I need to get over that. I got to kick some shit out of the nest. I was in my garage.

I got a bunch of shit in there too that used to be in the place where that flooded. And I'm just looking at all of it. All of the games I went to, all of the programs and the hats and all that fucking crap that I got. And I was just like, from here on out, I go to a sporting event, I just keep the ticket stub.

I'm not getting anything else. No more fucking programs, no more hats, no more hankies, towels, any of that fucking shit because I just save it and I never look at it. I'm not gonna look, I have a fucking football program from a Giants playoff game at the Meadowlands in 2002. The Vikings are some shit.

I didn't know how they play out. I never read it. I didn't read it the day I got it. Jim Fossil's on the cover or something. The fast, how the fuck you say his name? He's on the cover. I've never read the thing. I'm never gonna read the thing.

If I actually took it and put it on fucking eBay, I could maybe get 40 cents for it. What am I doing with it? And for the rest of my life, every time I move or get water damage, that's yet another thing I have to fucking pick up. So if you're young, all right, and you just moved out of your parents' house

and you got a little closet full of shit, try to keep it at that. Sorry for the long pause I'm yawning here. Try to keep it at that, all right? Because it's just a bunch of shit. I got old cell phones, old flip phones, old fucking video recording things that I used. I got all these VHS tapes from when I first did stand up.

Now I gotta try to convert those to DVD and then what? DVD's running out. I don't fucking know what to do with all of it. So I'm gonna get rid of a bunch of shit is what I'm telling you. And then I'm gonna, I already fixed my t-shirt game where because I'm a sentimental fool, I don't buy t-shirts that say anything on them anymore.

I just buy plain gray, black, red, white, that's it. And when they wear out and they're all pilly looking, I just fucking toss them out and that's it. I don't remember where I wore them to what and then I'm good. And that's it. Why am I going through all of this fucking shit? I also think too, the back of my head just as a married man now,

the marriage is going great and everything, I'm just saying, you know, if you ever get fucking divorced, right, get all your shit and get the fuck out. And if you just walk in with like one army bag and just throw like five things in there and then you're out. Just let it keep the rest of it, who gives a fuck? Right? Do you want all those knickknacks?

Oh, the voice just cracked, knickknacks. Those knickknacks, is that what you want? You want the drapes? The throw pillows and all those fucking egg beaters and shit. Yeah, fuck you. Well, they can't go to Ikea. Go buy a bastardized version of the fucking ridiculously nice shit that we had to buy for some stupid reason, the dish out eggs.

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Although I will tell you, I don't think I could ever go back to apartment living. You know, once you get out from fucking living under and over people and smelling their food and hearing their arguments and listening to their fucking music. Why am I yawning so much?

I'm not making you guys time. I'm supposed to be waking you guys up for the work week. All right, you want to hear some petty shit at a fucking death level? Do you guys see that turkey shot down when a serious Jets? Serious basically in the middle of a civil war right now, right? So they're having a battle right along the Turkish border.

So they're in the middle of fighting a fight. The Syrian jet pilot is fucking fighting rebels. I'm not taking sides here. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I know our country's with the fucking rebels and Russia's with the fucking powers that be. But I know both sides don't give a fuck about the Syrian people. They don't give a shit.

They don't give a fuck about me. Why the fuck would they give a shit about Syria? They give a fuck about the money. That's what they give a shit about. That's the strategic bullshit of the fucking wherever the land is or whatever. That's what they give a fuck about. So anyways, this pilot is fighting a good fight, OK?

And he's looking for rebels. And then out of nowhere, these two Turkish jets, and one comes in and fucking shoots a missile and whatever the fuck it shot at it and shoots the damn plane down. That's like in hockey, third man in. That's a 10-minute misconduct. That's a game misconduct.

And that's probably a 10-game suspension. Or is that coming over the boards first? I can't remember which, but whatever. Turkey went third man in on Syria. And I was like, wow, what the fuck did they do that for? And Syria's like, how the fuck could you do that to us? And then, you know what Turkey said? Hang on.

It was actually some good shit talk here by Turkey. I got to give it up to Turkey this week. Shit talk of the week. This is what they said. Assyrian plane violated our airspace. Our F-16s took off and hit the plane. Why? Because if you violate my airspace,

our slap after this will be hard. Now I know something was lost in translation there. I like that though. I like the way the dude was going if you violate my airspace, you know? Like when they have like the fucking grizzled vet cop. You know, what is that? What are those drugs doing on my street?

This is my street, you know that bullshit? Because if you violate my airspace, our slap after this will be hard. Now you know we didn't say it like that. So I'm got lost in translation. What were you really saying? Because if you violate my airspace, I'm gonna slap you right in your fucking Syrian face.

I don't know what the fuck he said. Man, that's too harsh. So anyways, that's what they said. So I read a little bit more and it turns out, you know what, Syria did this to Turkey like two fucking years ago. Turkey said, we were just flying some fucking, you know, some learn how to fly a jet missions

with our guys near the Turkey and Syrian border and Syria's like, oh fuck you, no you weren't, you were spying on us. And they gave them the old right there, Fred. They shot down their fucking jet. So this is what they're doing over there. That's like, literally two children in the back seat talking about who touched who first

and they're shooting down people in jets. It's just fucking unreal. You know, back in the day, I used to think people who ran countries and were in higher powers, there was just something at the core of them. They were just, they were just, at the core of them, they were just, I don't know, there was something wrong with them.

That they were these evil people and all that type of shit and if they just let regular people go around doing their fucking thing, everything would be fine if they weren't so fucking greedy and start rumors about everybody. And I don't believe it anymore. I don't. I just think it's just human nature.

The higher up you go, the more power you get, the more of a cut you become. And eventually you get to the point where you have so much power that you wanna fucking make the order to shoot something down. As you're standing there in your fucking robe, right? Open robe, of course.

Balls hanging out. You got that red phone. You're just feeling the power coursing through your fucking veins. You know, you're smoking a coheba. Oh, is that what they did? Well, we're gonna slap them back. You get to talk shit, right?

You get to turn the world into your own fucking video game. That's what they're doing there. You know, like those fucking weirdos that play video games online and they weigh like those McDonald's headsets and they talk shit and they call each other bitches, you know, as they play these war games.

These guys are doing that for real. I don't know what my fucking point is on all of that. I just think that I know it's not an original theory. I really believe that we are designed to destroy ourselves eventually and it's gonna happen, all right? And what you have to do as a selfish person like me is just pray that it doesn't happen during your lifetime

or at least during the quality years, you know? When you get to those old years, when you really start slowing down, you're shuffling years before it becomes the sit down years, right? And then the lay down years and then like the right already years and then the fucking, you know, whatever, then the end.

I just hope it doesn't happen, you know? I know the polar ice caps are gonna melt completely. I know we're not gonna do anything about it. I know New York City, Miami and all them are gonna be underwater. I know what it is. I just hope it's not during my lifetime. I mean, I recycle.

I bring back the cans and the bottles. I do what I can. I forget my little fucking recyclable bags. I go with the paper, the papers, the papers, right? What the fuck else am I gonna do, you know? I don't fucking know. What do you guys think? Do you guys think we're doomed?

Some people believe that we're gonna do something fucking horrific, right? And then when we come out of it, we're somehow all collectively gonna learn a lesson from it and then we're gonna live in this utopia. And then Jesus comes back. I can't remember. There's so many fucking theories out there.

But I just love that whole theory that after we fucking have some sort of nuclear holocaust, then we somehow survive it and we're sitting there eating glowing pears that were somehow that the, basically the, you know what we are, we're defective. That somehow the defect is just gonna repair itself. That we're not gonna be petty.

We're not gonna be jealous. We're not gonna be lustful, you know? All the seven deadly sins, whatever the fuck they are, you know, like that cures that I don't think it does. I don't think it does. And that's my gloom and doom for this week, everybody. I think we're fucked. We don't have a goddamn prayer.

But going back, I am rooting for the St. Louis Blues in the West. I'm rooting for them. I like Chicago. I like St. Louis. I like the fucking West. For some reason I'm liking the Ducks. I don't know why.

I don't know why. Timu Solani. I just like that guy. I like the fact that he weighs less than he did when he fucking was a rookie. Something to aspire to. Who else do I like out there? I never got into San Jose,

although I respect their fans. I went to a home game. They're fucking rabid. I like the Kings. I kinda liked Vancouver until we played them in the finals. That little jerk off their bite and muts his face on his finger. It was kind of weird.

Yeah, I just liked the West. The West was cool when I was growing up. They were good. Edmonton was good. Calgary was good. I was kid new. The Kings sucked until Gretzky got there. They had their moments though, right?

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But the Blues, the Blues were always expansion six. Just never caught a break. Never caught a fucking break. So they do. That's the team that I'm gonna fucking root for. All right, and with that, let's get to some questions.

Mercifully, let's get to fucking some goddamn questions this week. Let's see if I can try and make an hour. I've already looked at it like 10 times. All right, 37 minutes. Can I do 23 minutes of bullshit through all of these questions here? All right, match madness.

Dear Billy Bracketts, I'm not a huge college sports fan. I love sports so I can enjoy a good game, but I'm not interested in following a season. Match Madness is fun for anyone because of the Bracketts. If there was another game on a national level with bracket talk and exposure, you could have chess be interesting to watch on TV.

Agree or disagree? 100% agree. 100% agree. If that's like a great idea. If they actually had whatever, I don't even know when the international chess championship is, but if they set up Bracketts

and they had like four regions, you broke up the Northern Hemisphere and the Southern Hemispheres and the sides of the world, and he had number one seeds and all that type of shit. Apps of fucking Lutely. If he had Bracketts, I 100% agree with that.

And I haven't really watched shit. I watched a little bit of a Tar Heel game today and then I fell asleep because I'm fucking old, man. But I haven't been following any of it. Any of it, you know. Down to the sweet 16, the great eight, the final four. I mean, I know it's amazing. I just don't, I don't have time.

I have too much fucking invested in the watching hockey and it's coming down to it and I like watching it. You know, it's another big criticism, especially of people who don't watch hockey and another way I'm gonna defend the fucking sport is people say that the regular season doesn't mean shit. It's one of the biggest criticisms a kid. The regular season doesn't mean shit.

Everybody makes the fucking playoffs. Yeah, kind of like in basketball. How about baseball? Do you really need to play 162 fucking games to figure out who wins the division? You know, and then after all that bullshit, someone's still gonna get a wild card? Wait, come on.

The only regular season of the four major sports that means anything is football. That's why it's so fucking exciting. And even they are gonna fuck that up. They should have just left it on Sunday. The Monday night game, fine. But Sunday, you play every fucking Sunday. You don't get a day off.

You play every fucking Sunday. You don't get a week off, I mean. They just did that to prolong the fucking season so they could advertise more. Now they're gonna start working in Thursday night. They're gonna try to somehow, if they can figure it out, they're gonna fucking try and do it at least four to five times a goddamn week.

And it's gonna ruin the sport. It's gonna ruin it, all right? And it's because millionaires can't be happy being millionaires. They have to try to be billionaires. And then they gotta try to be multi-billionaires. And then they gotta try to go global. And then you just can't just fucking just be like, hey, you know what?

I have enough, you know? Look at my car, look at my house. Look at that fucking, look at my wife. Look at her, she's spending over, look at her. It's my wife, she had three kids, look how good she looks. You know, that's not enough. You just gotta keep fucking going. But yeah, but that's one of the major things

where they say that the regular season doesn't mean shit. I disagree. I know what you mean, we're fucking a ton of teams make it. But, you know, half the league doesn't fucking make it. I don't want to tell you, that's the same way in basketball. How come they don't say that about basketball? You know, basketball is the exact same fucking thing. And the end of the game when it's the most exciting

part of the game, two minutes to go. You're up by three. They stop the clock like 58 fucking times. Foul, foul, foul, timeout, foul, TV timeout, technical, foul. Kick the ball one off his foot. It just fucking, the final two minutes of an NBA game, I swear to God, it takes like fucking 18 minutes to play and it destroys, it's even funnier, all the drama.

It's even funnier when you go to a fucking NBA game. It'll be a game with playoff implications and anytime there's a stoppage of play, all hell breaks loose and these fucking shitheads go out and start doing jumping jacks and shooting t-shirts and then they start playing like music way too fucking loud. And it completely takes you out of the drama of the game. So I don't know, whatever, whatever.

I don't even know why I'm fucking bringing this shit up. You know why? Cause people who don't watch hockey, don't even understand it, shit all over it. Why do they have two half times? Have you ever played? First of all, mathematically, it doesn't fucking make sense.

It's not two half times, okay? There's two 33rd and a third times. That's what you want to say, 33rd and a third time and then it's a fucking 66 and two thirds time. That's what you want to say. If you ever played it, you're fucked after one shift, your heart is fucking about ready to come out of your chest. That's why.

All right, boring. Here we go. I'm probably talking about the podcast here. Dear Billiam, I'm 25 years old and graduated college a few years ago and have been living in Chicago since. I hate it. Man, he hates Chicago, man.

He goes, it's not that Chicago isn't a great city, but what it is, but what is it that happens to people when they get in their 20s and 30s? They enjoy the dumbest shit. I don't want to go to the same bar and taxi around and get food. No one seems to be interested in anything fun anymore. The only exercise my friends get is at the gym

and they don't do anything fun like basketball and none of them are in good shape because they're on their asses all day. Everyone is a boring sellout. There is no spice in their life, in their lives. Am I an asshole or are they? Neither. It's all about what makes you happy.

The people you're hanging out with aren't doing the things that you want to do so you're not happy hanging out with them. But they sound happy as hell to go to the gym and then sit on their ass and you have a beer and eat some fucking nachos. And if that's what makes them happy, they're entitled to it.

What you need to do, sir or ma'am, is you need to go find yourself some new friends. You got to go find some active people. There's plenty of people. You're telling me there's nobody in there out in Chicago? There's not 19,000 fucking pickup leagues, a hoop, hockey, flag football, walleyball, water polo, rugby.

There's all kinds of shit you could be doing. And if I was 25 years old, I would get into a co-ed league. Co-ed fucking league. You find yourself a pretty girl that likes sports. You like sports. She's active, you're active. You know, you got a dick.

She got a vagina. You know, there you go. What more do you need? Right? Fuck. If I could go back and be 25 years old again, I'd take up field hockey. Those chicks always had fucking beautiful legs, right?

The tan fucking thighs. You know, short hair cuts. You got to be like, all right, he's still into me. Are you cut into the same chick I'm staring at? I'll be a wingman. Fuck it. Can I watch? Yeah, dude, you're not an asshole.

What it is, is you've decided to continue living an active life at 25 years old, as opposed to just settling in, you know? Certain people out there, they get old. They just get fucking, I mean, there's a party that you're getting old. You can kind of accept it. Like I view, I love living like an old man,

if it means being smart. Like, take it, like, you know. Like if I want to get shit-faced, all right? Which I do. I don't know if you guys listen to this podcast every week, but I like to go out and get fucking hammered. I just do it at my house. Your house is the greatest fucking bar you could ever be at.

If you're in a fucking house, I don't have upstairs, downstairs, neighbors, nothing, okay? I got a wife and a dog, and I'm stronger than both of them, all right? Well, my dog can fuck me up, but it doesn't realize it. It loves me so much that it would never turn its pitbull power zone. But as far as my wife, I mean,

I'll take it down to the mat, all right? You can tell her I said that. So if I want to get fucked up in my own house, I'm gonna do it. I can fucking put on the music I want to put on. I can pop in a DVD, watch a little bit. Good fellas, I don't have to deal. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about right now.

I mean, to me, the way to get shit-faced now is for me to be hanging with one other friend on my front porch smoking a cigar and drinking some scotch and listening to some fucking music and just shooting the shit. It's quiet, you know? When you're younger, I guess you want the shit louder and that type of thing, but whatever.

Like, to me, I don't feel like an old man doing that. I just feel like I'm smarter. Like, back in the day, I used to go to a club damaging my hearing and the fucking music was loud and all that type of shit. But that worked for me back then because I didn't know how to talk to the ladies! By all means, drown out the horrible shit

that's coming out of my mouth. Ah, with my Z-Cavarichis, what was I doing? But yeah, dude, you know what? 25 is a, that's a great age. And it's a critical age where you're starting to surround yourself with the people that you're really gonna be hanging out with for the rest of your life.

You kind of left most of your high school friends behind. Not in a bad way. You just, your paths don't cross anymore so you're gonna get some new friends. And yeah, get friends who wanna fucking live life, who wanna go do some shit. Other than, you know, hey, let's go to fucking, wherever the fuck they, where do people go?

Where do they go? Cabo St. Lucas, wherever the, where are those hacky places, everybody? Let's go to a rhubarb that places everybody goes and then they go there. They jump off a bar stool in Chicago and then they jump on a bar stool in a fucking bar pool and sit there, right?

Isn't it great? It's not as cold and I can piss myself going to the fucking bathroom. We live in a what? It's like, no, we're kind of doing the same thing in better weather, better scenery and that type of thing. Yeah, if you go to a rhubarb, you should get outside the fucking place and walk around.

Hopefully not get murdered by that chick, you know? And then go find a waterfall and jerk off in it, you know? Enjoy the planet. All right, Prince Harry. Prince Harry, not sure if you heard this recently, but Prince Harry came out, I didn't even say he came out of the closet. I was like, Jesus Christ,

I gotta start watching the news. He came out and said something to his brother, the future king, that he's not going to be king so he doesn't need to be on his best behavior. Dude, that's fucking great. You know, other than his fucking dressing up like a fucking SS officer, I don't have a problem with that kid.

My question to you is, it's kind of a major, other than that time he dressed like Hitler. Hey, he's not a bad guy. My question to you is, what happened if he began to speak out against atrocities in the world like his mother, or call out bankers and evil bastards running the world's resources?

Would they bump him off? Yeah, absolutely fucking lovely. Absolutely, oh, and did I call that fucking Bitcoin thing? People telling me to get on that, but you gotta invest in this Bitcoin thing. They're gonna take that thing down. They're gonna ignore it and laugh at it first, just like Gandhi, you know?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win, right? Isn't that why it goes something like that? I don't know what, I don't know how it fucking goes, but whatever. That Bitcoin shit, you know, I'm sure the banks are like, well, I don't think that's gonna be a viable car

is really a foreseeable future. They did all that shit, right? And then they started, you know, going, oh shit. Oh shit, they get a little bit of traction. People are talking about this stuff, and then what happens? What happens? Somebody commits suicide, conveniently, conveniently.

And everybody around's going, hey, it doesn't seem like that person commits suicide. Well, you know, that's what happens when you try to start a new currency. You know, what do you think's gotta happen? Do you think these fucking fudda-duddies are gonna fucking fuddy-duddies, or whatever you say is gonna sit around

and tolerate that? They can't. Their whole lives are invested in the lie of their currency. You can't come along with a new lie. Then they gotta start all over again. It's like a Red Sox fan becoming a Yankee fan. It's not gonna happen.

It's not gonna be a Yankee fan. It's gonna be a whole new fucking league, like the XFL. Ain't happening. Go fuck yourself. The NFL is where we got our money. Fuck your league. So anyways, yeah, do I think if he started speaking out

against the atrocities? If he just started speaking out against atrocities, I don't think, what they do is they join it, like Kennedy with the civil rights. We can't control a million African-Americans coming into Washington. What do we do? We join it, and then we take control of it.

Then you give your permits, and the next thing you know, they control the fucking thing, right? That's what they would do. They would just join Prince, whatever the fuck his name is. The hell's his brother's name? George? That's a good king name.

What the fuck is his name? Christopher? Harry? And all right, if I'm Lady Di, if I was dumb enough to name my second kid Harry, I guess the other one had to be a little bit better. Larry? Nah, it's no way you're gonna have your kid's names rhyme.

What the fuck would his name be? It's gotta be something English. Something fucking proper. Not Louis, that's French. Is it Henry? Is Henry, is Harry a nickname for Henry? I don't fucking know. George, I'm gonna go with George.

Nah, Jesus. I feel like the number five in the line of the family feud, you know, when the first person won whatever category it is, and he said the obvious one, and then somebody, the second person said what I was thinking of, and then three and four somehow didn't get strikes

and outs down to me, and there's like no fucking answer left. I'm going with George, and everybody just looks at me and goes, hey, good answer, good answer, right? Survey says big fucking X, and then the other team fucking steals it, and then nobody talks to me at Christmas.

Yeah, the only way that he would actually get whacked, is it Philip? Hey, Nia. Nia. Nia. Nah, Jesus, what the fuck is she? You know, they're never around when you need them. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about?

Got the internet right here. Is it Charlie? Charles, was he named after his dad? What the fuck is his name? Prince, I'm just gonna look in Prince. Prince Harry? No, possess, no, not possessive. Harry's brother.

I don't know what his fucking name is. Prince Harry's brother. William, it's my fucking name, what an asshole. Oh, Billy. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge. Oh, fuck yourself, your name's Billy. Hey, Billy, how are you gonna go ride a horse today with your little fucking stick, leaning over?

You know, be careful. It's a dangerous goddamn game. Prince William. Yeah, they'd whack him. The only way they would whack him is if he was effective. If when they went to join him, join his, yeah, we're sick of that shit, too, that we've created,

or it was already created and now we have positions, they passed a baton to us and we're continuing to oppress people, but that's how we make money. So we can have a BMW 7 Series, right? With the bulletproof fucking glass. They would join with him. And if he said, no, you're part of the fucking problem and then try to literally attack the sectors

that those people are in, he would definitely get whacked. He would die mysteriously. He'd probably commit suicide, air quote. He would have some sort of, I don't know, you know what they do, they spray the mist at you and then you have some sort of fucking, they talk about, you know, he had a hole in his heart that they had never diagnosed before

and he had an arrhythmia. He had a cardiac episode. And then the conspiracy theory would come out and then all the other fucking moron mouth-breathing conspiracy theories would muddy up the real conspiracy theory and the whole fucking thing would go away. That's my guess.

There you go, that's my guess. Jesus Christ, I almost did it. 55 fucking minutes. 55 minutes. How are you guys doing, huh? You listening to this early? What is it, 1030 in the morning? Getting ready for your break?

There's a roach coach pulling up. Gonna go get some Drake's cakes and a fucking sausage king. Is that what you're gonna do? All right, live forever. Forever, forever, forever, yeah, yeah, yeah. Live forever, Billy Infinity. I hate when people, I hear people say

who would want to live that long? I guess he's referring or she's referring to when someone is like just, they just turned 102, who would want to live that long? This guy says, give me a pulse as long as possible. To people who say they wouldn't want to live forever, what do you say to that? Well, I mean, it comes down to quality of life.

I mean, the human body is designed to live for 150 years and then after all the abuse that we do to it, you usually drop it about fucking, I guess, 75. Um, I mean, I wouldn't want to live forever if like, I was just sitting there like, looking like Yoda, but without his fucking ability to flip around the room with a lightsaber. Would I want to live forever?

Um, yeah, if there's nothing after this, fuck yeah. But I mean, you know, but then what you do is you would, you would watch us slowly kill ourselves and then we would become extinct and then you'd be the only one left and then they'd be the next people, right? Like I've told you guys my theory, right? That I feel like water is the toxic waste

from the last people that fucked up this planet. And that is absolutely poisonous and toxic to them, but we came out of it, you know, and we're walking around thinking we're good looking, but we're all a bunch of fucking mutants compared to the last people, but we don't know any better because we can't look at them, right?

So when we're done fucking up this planet, the next people will come out of the soup that we leave, which will have plastics and fucking, you know, old computers and all that shit. God knows what the fuck they're gonna look like, you know? I don't even know. But you know, if you live forever, you'd be around for them.

No, I wouldn't want to live forever. I wouldn't want to live forever because I think eventually this planet's gonna look like Mars and then you would just be sitting there. Well, what would you do? Sitting there kicking fucking moon rocks around forever? That's fucking scary. If you just couldn't die,

I don't know what I'd do. You know what I'd do is I would try to wake, I don't know, there's no technology to do it. I would get a fucking spaceship and fly to the next Earth and I'd land there and hope that they kind of look like me. It wasn't the dinosaur period or whatever. And you know, there's like some of them were saying, there's like, you know, there's a bunch of Earths out there,

tens of thousands of them throughout the fucking space, solar system, I don't know what the fuck the word is. Oh, Jesus, I'm tired. You know, guys, sometimes these fucking questions, like do you guys realize like the level of thought that how dumb I am that you gotta fucking sit there, much madness brackets. That's right in the fucking wheelhouse.

I guess two are easy. My wheelhouse, you know, Prince Harry, you don't even give me his brother's name and then I gotta find out it's my own fucking name and you even said Bill in it. So the answer was there. That was a clue. And then what I want to live forever.

I have to tell you, I do want to see the 70s again. I was born in 1968. I'd like to live to about 2072, you know, provided New York and Miami on underwater, that changes the whole deal. Once that shit starts happening, then I don't give a fuck. You know, well, I'm bandwagon humanity.

I'm here for the good times. Once it starts going the other fucking direction, you know, I'm tapping out. I don't have any red dawn in me. You know, I mean, I would go up in a tower and just start fucking shooting at the powers that be. I would do that. Ah, I was kidding me.

I'd be a pussy. I couldn't do that because I'd be like, oh, that guy coming at me. This isn't his choice. He's just taking orders. So I just shoot over their heads. I commit suicide that way. You know, they do the people death by cop.

I do it that way, I think. I don't fucking know. All I know is I'm back home and I had a great tour up in Canada, underrated. Remember that I used to do that? Overrated, underrated for the fucking week. Underrated. Canada, man.

Canada, Canada, Canada. You gotta fucking get up there, dude. It's fucking, it's unreal. And the maritime specifically, I would definitely head up there. If you're a cigar smoker, you're out of your mind. You gotta get up there. You know, I was watching this thing on the Bruins

and they got this great segment that they do where they interview the Bruins and it's just like they talk to them for three minutes where no hockey questions. It's really great. And you can see every player, they're so sick of answering questions about playing hockey that all of them, it seems when they're interviewing them,

they're already having a good time just to be hearing new questions. And Brad Marchand, who then said you can call him Marchand, he doesn't give a fuck. So I'm going back to Marchand, is actually an avid hunter. And I believe he's from Halifax or somewhere around there. And he shot big shit like bear

and he's gonna go after elk and next. And I honestly, I couldn't do that. I don't think I could do that. I could shoot a chicken, right? I could shoot a cow, but if I didn't kill it on the first shot, I would hear that awful mooing for the rest of my fucking life.

Why wouldn't you have a cow and shoot a steer? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's the guns jammed. Ugh, oh my God, it'd be fucking horrible. But I gotta be honest with you, if everybody listened to this podcast, if you were hungry enough, you would fucking, you'd eat a puppy.

You would. It's a sad reality. Just the, your love of cute things versus I'm gonna fucking die if I don't eat you. It just goes right out the goddamn window. You know, what's the biggest animal you think you could kill? Biggest animal I could kill would be Joe DeRosa. He's a fucking animal.

Actually, what do we got here? Am I over an hour? Did I make it? All right, now we're in three minutes. Okay, that's a podcast for this week, everybody. This was sort of my hungover. I had a great time up in Canada podcast. Oh, by the way, that Paul Verzi, Jason Lawhead,

Joe Bartnick tour, the Monday morning podcast is sponsoring, it's the all in tour. And the first date is at Lago, and I'm actually gonna be hosting that one. And kicking off the tour. All these guys in the past have opened for me, now they're spreading their wings, doing their own fucking tour, I'm so proud of them.

And I'm gonna be hosting the first one down at Lago. It's already sold out, and we're gonna be kicking that one off. And then these guys, I'm telling you, I don't bring cupcakes out on the road. These guys are all killers. So if you wanna see three guys, guys, guys. All right?

No fucking, none of that awkward, you know, they don't say apparently before every fucking punchline. All right? I'm not saying that's bad, but I'm just saying it's not that fucking style. All right? If you wanna listen to three guys fucking hilarious, who you probably would sit next to in a bar,

these are the guys, the all in tour. We're gonna be getting the dates up soon. They're gonna have a fucking cool ass poster. I've already heard the concept, I fucking love it. And I'm proud of these guys, and it's gonna be a great tour. So definitely be looking for that. And old fucking freckle face here is done.

I am done with standup comedy until the end of April. I'm not doing shit. I am relaxing. And I think this is how I'm gonna do my standup from here on out. I'm just gonna fucking go out and go psycho for fucking 20 days and then take like a month and a half off

and then do another psycho fucking tour. That's what I'm gonna do, all and nothing. Just the same way I drink. Just fucking pounding. And then just I take a fucking year off or 70 days off and then I pound for another 70 days. That's it, all and nothing. That's how I'm gonna do it, all right?

That's the podcast for this week. As always, thank you for everybody for listening. I hope you have a wonderful week. Don't take any shit, all right? Go fuck yourselves and any predictions. Me and Verzi are still talking about that fucking horrific flight that they can't find. And he thinks it's on the ground.

I think it's unfortunately, you know, I think it's unfortunate. I actually, that review that I, that prediction that that pilot made, though he thought there was some sort of fire on board or something, man, it seems like it's that. Fucking that, if there's anything just hanging in the air, you just want the answer to, it's gotta be that, man. It's fucking poor families.

Why do I bring it? It was awful last week when we brought it up. Why would I end the podcast bringing that up? Stupid, stupid fucking move. But you know what? You don't listen to this thing because I'm smart. That's it, all right? I got nothing to predict.

I got something to predict. I'm not gonna do shit between here and next week. I better get a fucking guess. I actually got it called Dom Irerra. I'm gonna try to do one with him. Dom Irerra, Dom Irerra, Dom Irerra, Ririru. You're Italian, you're not German, you're not Irish or a Jew.

I'm gonna leave that on this fucking answer machine. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll see ya.