Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-25-21

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

Bill rambles about 'Down Under', mushroom revelations, and bunny dreams.

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Tomorrow night, midnight, my time, some other fucking time your time in Australia, New Zealand. People, it is going down, under, sorry. Yeah, they had all these fucking floods down there and my security guy slash muscle on the road, Club Soda Kenny, from the Opian Anthony program. Or as I like to call him, Royted Up, Joe DeRosa. Club Soda Kenny sent me an email, he goes, I hope this isn't going to affect the show. And I looked it up and it said there was all these unbelievable, like ridiculous floods. And so I was like, oh shit, I gotta go down, I gotta see what's going on down there.

And of course, American Nudes, rather than just reporting on the floods and what's going on, they fucking sit there and go, there's swarms of poisonous spiders taking over these people's houses. And then as an example, they cut to this Australian guy with a guy, he had a zillion spiders on his fence. And he was just totally nonchalant like, yeah, you know, they're hanging out on the fence. And I imagine when the water goes down there, they're going to go back into the ground. I saw the headline, I was like, oh my God, everybody's dying down there. I gotta hand it to fucking Australia, man, only two people died. That really just goes to show you, you know, when you have a country slash continent

where everybody's working out seems to be going to the beach and swimming, only two people died. Yeah, how many fucking fat Americans would have died? Well, not the fat ones. They sort of float away. They go out to sea. Yeah, and then they die, right? I think that's what it is. I remember that in Houston, when Houston had all those floods, you know, the death rate was way less because when the water went up, all those fatties that they had, they were going to the fattest city two years in a row. So when the water came up, people were able to cling to some of their fattest relatives. And, you know, and sort of kick paddle over to that squinting guy over to his church there, whatever his fucking, Joe Lohstein.

And he didn't let him in. And that was my favorite fucking thing I've ever seen. Not that he didn't let him in, that people were surprised. So anyway, I am so excited to do this show. I've been doing a bunch of spots. Okay, so people in Australia, you know, pick your feet up, put them on the couch and curl up with those spiders because I'm doing the show tomorrow night with Aldell Benny, who's an expat who lives in Australia. We're going to have a great time and I'm just going to fucking go off. Sorry to hear about the floods. Very happy to hear that the death toll, I think it was only two people, which is incredible if you see how high up the water was going.

And then fucking Iceland, a place where I've performed at a couple of times, a volcano erupted. You know, I am so glad I'm not religious because if I was religious right now, I'd be like, that's one of the signs. That's one of the signs that fucking so and so is coming back with the tablets in his long fucking robe. Do you guys think if you're Catholic, if you're Christian, Christian, the one that Jesus loves the best? When Jesus comes back, do you think that he's still going to be wearing those old school clothes? Or does he come back with something a little more contemporary? You know, does he have one of those Conor McGregor fucking, I know UFC, cool ass fucking haircuts? You know, sort of the white guy, high top fade with like a fucking part in it, you know.

Does he tuck his shirt in? Is he all business this time? Coming back like a fucking manager that came back early from lunch to see everybody fucking off, you know, is his t-shirt tucked in? Is he got a belt? Is he going grunge style? Come on, you guys, you guys are good at Photoshop. What does he come back looking like? Now, the thing is, is his look has been stolen by the hippies and then it was modernized by the hipsters. And I would say that the transition between hippies and hipsters was Zach Galifianakis, right? Accidentally, Zach was doing his own fucking thing. That guy brought the beard back in a big way.

He brought the beard back the way fucking Bert Reynolds rocked the mustache. And I don't think Zach ever got credit for it. There's another guy I haven't seen for fucking ever, one of the funniest goddamn people and most unique. You know, I was always envious of an act like that is I can't imagine that he ever walks off stage and somebody goes, Hey, Zach, just to let you know, I kind of do a bit like that. I kind of touch on that subject, you know, just very, very unique. So anyway, what do you think? Does he come back? Does he do the thing where he, you know, all the stuff that I'm envious of if I still had fucking hair on top of my fucking Charlie Brown head here? Yeah, the Hitler youth fade going up, right? That's what it really is. I'm not a white guy.

And then the beard also, then you fade the beard into the Santa Claus thing, right? So you start George Michael, you know, then you kind of gradually go to Chris Christopherson somewhere there and there is Zach, and then you end with the Santa Claus full beard. It's really incredible what some of these people can do nowadays. If you've ever gone on, I started, I don't know why, at some point I went on to YouTube and I just started, oh, I was learning how to braid my daughter's hair. So I just got into like all of these different things, right? And it just eventually ended with like beard shit. And, you know, as a bald guy, like, you know, the hair in your face becomes the hair in your, I mean, the hair in your head becomes the hair in your face after a while.

So I'm sitting there going like, you know, how long can I keep rocking this George Michael? You know, if you think, I would think it would be nice. If you would touch my body, then I would blow you in a fucking porta-potty. I always loved that behind the music, how open he was about all of that. And my boyfriend was like, oh, honey, what? And I was like, oh, honey, I blew this guy's like, oh, honey, Jesus. What a fucking talent that guy was. Anyway, so I got a bunch of shit, bunch of fucking shit I want to talk about.

I just did this morning show in Australia. I had the best time. They had these guys came on, they were singing about fucking Elton John and shit. And I was just sitting there like, why can't I get on this? You know, if this is a morning show. I love that morning shows still haven't changed. It's been a long time since I did one. And I remember back when I used to go on the road and I would come in there

and I didn't know how to do a morning show, which is you just go in there and just be fucking pleasant. The easiest thing to do is to be shocking on a fucking morning show, which is a funny thing to do, but like, you know, you can just kind of go in there and just get into this silly fucking morning show to just get excited that it's, you know, National Pancake Day or whatever the fuck it is. And be, oh, what do you put on your pants? Raspberries.

Really? I never heard of that. And just fucking just, just be interested. Instead of being in the comedian like, oh, what the fuck are you doing that? You're already got syrup on it. That little piece of fucking fruit isn't going to help you. You guys are all going to die of a heart attack. All right, it'll be at the funny bone tonight, everybody.

There was no reason to do that. At least I don't, I don't think so. I'm not telling people what to do. I'm looking back. I could have, I could have gone, you know, had I known that a defensive lineman for the New York Giants would end up with Regis Philbin's gig, I would have thought I had a shot. Maybe I would have cleaned it up a little bit.

You know, there's another guy, Miss Regis. That fucking guy was the best. Just fucking positive, positive energy other than when the Red Sox won in 04. It was the only time I saw him be a little fucking cunty. Yeah, these Red Sox fans, you know, it's like, all right, we get it. You won. Okay. He's just being that classic Yankee fan who never had to take any shit.

It was fucking hilarious. And it's just, oh, we just get a week of talking shit. 1918 and it's my whole fucking life. I'm happy for you guys. No, you're not. So anyway, I am coming to the end of my straight edge March. So I've done this before, right? And then the next month comes along and I'm just like, well, hey, man,

like it's time to fucking party again, man. And then I just end up in the same place, 25 pounds overweight, having to apologize, fucking mehating myself. So I'm thinking there's a chance. Now, don't, don't you fucking hold me to this. There is a chance that I might go another month and I'm starting to think that maybe instead of doing this thing where every once in a while I just shut it down before going back to the same altered state of mind that has not been helping me

or anybody around me. What if I was to not only continue to being stone sober? What if I then added to that, that I then became a yoga douche slash meditation cunt? You know, because you know the deal when you start doing yoga and you meditate, you can't just do that for yourself. You have, there's an unwritten rule. I don't know if it's one of your chakras. This is unwritten fucking rule that if when you become a yoga douche slash meditation cunt,

you can't just do that for yourself. You have to tell everybody that you're doing it. And then you suddenly, after doing two yoga classes and sort of meditating once, you start to feel like you are this expert and that everybody walking down the street that is even remotely upset about anything obviously needs your two days of wisdom. Just fucking projectile vomited onto them. No, I think I've really figured something out when I took those mushrooms. And this is the last time I was just like, oh yeah, I need to address this about myself.

So I feel like if I was to go back to slowly becoming a pothead because I just sort of replaced weed with booze, which is not what I ever wanted to do. And then if I just didn't smoke weed or eat gummies, if I just smoked a million cigars, that's also not what I want to do. So I was thinking like, you know, because I've been sleeping really well and then having these vivid, vivid, fucked up fucking dreams. Would you like to hear one? All right, here we go. So last night I had this dream that my wife was leaving me

and she was saying all this really mean shit to me. And in the middle of that, this rabbit dragged another rabbit into the room, was chomping down on its throat and killed it. And the thing was making these fucking noises. And we both looked at it, acknowledged that it was happening, but didn't really seem to care about it. And so I kind of woke up because it was such a fucked up dream. And then you know where my head went? The first thing I thought was if she ever does that to me,

I kept thinking of all of these scenarios of how I would behave if she left me so I could show her that I didn't care that she left. How fucked up is that? And I was like, okay, then I would just move off and be all alone and then she would deal with the guilt of that. And it's like she wouldn't give a shit, she'd get on with her life. Then you're punishing yourself. I would fucking do this and live my best life.

I didn't know this type of shit. And then after doing it, I woke up in the middle of the night just thinking this because of a dream and then I just sat there and I was like, wait a minute. It says nothing to do with your wife. This has to do with you as a kid, not feeling loved, not feeling, you know, and people who are supposed to be protecting you, being fucking mean to you on all levels at home and otherwise, because it was the 70s and 80s and I just got in the way to survive it

was I went into a mindset of I don't care. I don't need that. So I was sitting there going, well, then what the fuck do the rabbits mean? A rabbit killing another rabbit. I just looked at like those things are both the same thing and rabbits don't kill other rabbits. As far as I know, they're not supposed to do that. So I viewed the rabbits as a symbol of love

and that's the rabbit killing the other rabbit was me acting like I didn't need love. That's what I thought it meant. But then I was like, well, instead of sitting here philosophizing, like fucking Dr. Phil and whatever that fucking scientist that everybody is greases, the only scientist that knows what's happening because he's the only guy on TV, whatever his fucking name is. I looked up, what does it mean if a rabbit kills another rabbit in a dream? There was that search came up with nothing.

All they came up with was dream interpretation of killing a rabbit is something that seems normal. This symbolized that the dreamer has a strong personality. On a different side, it also develops into nightmares. And this is a sign of bad news in the future, which how fucking lame is that explanation? They just covered, you know, I always equate it to the guy playing roulette who puts a chip on every fucking number and then he wins. It means you have a strong personality or it's a sign that something bad is going to happen in the future. All right, well, that's vague enough.

All right, let's look at another one. All right, let's go to dreamchrist.com. I dream about Jesus. What are they going to reboot? I dream a genie and they'll put a man in there and a man in the bottle so then they can have a strong woman. You know, then it would make more sense that the person that has the person in the jar doesn't want to fuck him. I never understood that. Remember that as a kid watching that shit, I'm like, why isn't he banging her?

You know why? Because he was the first woke person on television. Genie, I couldn't do that. I have a position of power over you. You live in a bottle, but master, I want to fucking suck your dick. And that's basically what she was saying, wearing no goddamn clothes. Since ancient times, can you imagine having a show like that and the woman called the guy master? Oh, Jesus.

Since ancient times, humankind has known dreams with various images that are present in their sleep. Dream interpretation of killing a rabbit can have a good sign, but some can bring badness in life. I think killing a rabbit is a good thing from way back in the day when you needed food. Although there's rabbit starvation, meaning that if all you did was live on rabbits, you would die because it's such a lean meat. You don't have enough fat and you'll actually starve to death. How do I know that? Because I have the internet. To kill a rabbit in a dream indicates that things will soon be changing for the better.

Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Yeah, because I'm tired of being this guy that pretends he doesn't want what he, you know, loving all of that shit. And I know this is like really extra fucking touchy feely for my fucking podcast, but I know that, you know, there's a bunch of fucking guys like me right now who are listening to this. And if they're by themselves, they're actually listening, being like, yeah, he's kind of right. But if you're with your friend, it was fucking guys, we're going to pussy man. Let's fucking listen to the guy, the other guy fucking. So anyway, I've been having dreams like that and waking up and then thinking how I always think and then sit there and be like,

that's not the way you want to think anymore. And then I just lay there and then I go back to sleep. And then when I wake up, I feel unbelievably rested. And I like that feeling way better than waking up in the morning, being hungover or going like that. I really just eat a gummy fucking every day this goddamn week and then have an ice cream sandwich before I went to bed. Like, how is that helping? I mean, it's helping because it's, you know, it's a fucking fun goddamn thing to do. But the next day, the problem is still there.

So what I want to do is work this shit out so eventually I can come back and start drinking again for the right reasons this time. Guys, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm fucking trying. Anyway, let's read a little bit. I love that I'm so fucked up that even on the internet where there's a fucking answer for everything, there's not one fucking person out there that ever had a dream. I had a dream. What's his face?

MLK had a dream, right? He had a dream. I had a dream, too. You had a dream of actually having the regular freedoms of everybody else where I'm so privileged that I dream about rabbits killing each other. Now, what does that say on this next segment? Alright, rabbits, dream, rabbit, kills. The rabbit, wait, wait, wait, it came up, it came up, it came up. No, I'm back to dream Christ.

Jesus, I don't know who's working for Jesus on the internet, but he's got it on fucking lockdown. The top 20 dreams about rabbits. Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand here the top 20 reasons, top 20 dreams about rabbits. That really just made me miss the David Letterman show. Alright, dream about your actions towards the rabbit, catching a bunny. Who knew there was all these bunny things? Catching a bunny? You think Furby's dream about bunny's more than just a regular person?

Alright, catching a bunny. Consider the actions that you are taking to capture a bunny or a rabbit. Oh, shut the fuck up and just tell me what it means. Anybody always trying to teach? Kind of douche amide that I'm mad that this person's trying to teach me. They may offer you important clues for you to achieve your success. For example, if you are setting a bunny trap in the dream, it can reflect carefully planning and patience in your endeavors. Is it me or is there just no sympathy for rabbits and dreams?

Well, it's not a real rabbit. Chasing after a bunny. That's when you're trying to fucking land some chick who's out of your league. I'm a guest with each one of these. To chase after a bunny in dreams suggests that you are going fleeting happiness. If a bunny escapes your attempt to capture it, it indicates your efforts will be fruitless. It can also suggest that you do not have a good plan to achieve your goals and success. Yeah, you got no game.

Alright, killing a rabbit. That's something that you fucking have been putting off and you finally cleaned out the garage. To kill a rabbit in a dream suggests that you will be the center of potential conflicts. You will initiate inappropriate behavior and fight and fights that can hurt your reputation. Alright, we're getting close. Eating a rabbit. I'm going down. That doesn't mean that.

Eating a rabbit. The dream about eating a rabbit can suggest that you're taking advantage of someone close to you while the person is unbeknownst of your actions. I hope I don't ever dream that. Alright, dream about rabbit actions. A rabbit running. Rabbit running. You said yes to something you don't want to do. That's what I'm guessing.

Alright, to dream about a rabbit running away to escape or hide suggests that you need to be more confident about your surroundings. Rabbit hopping and jumping. You drank too much water and there's not a bathroom close by. And you're going to piss the bed. When the dream features a rabbit or bunny jumping from one place to another such as a hiding in a rabbit hole or tunnels, it suggests lack of commitment. Now you jump from one thing to another. Perhaps you are jumping back and forth between relationships or work. I know somebody's done a bit about this, but why can't you just have a literal dream?

Rabbit attacking. If you dream the rabbit scratches or bite you, then it means that you need to pay more attention to your personal relationship to love life. Rabbit biting or nibbling. We're getting closer. The bunny bites your hands or feet. That implies this relationship is heading down the wrong direction. Rabbit giving birth or pregnant suggests that profitable investments doesn't mean you're going to have a kid. Bunny playing or humping.

Too much or too little sex. Rabbit talking. That means you did some fucking mushrooms. I'll pay attention to the message. Rabbit hole. Rabbit ears. White rabbit. Black rabbit.

Oh geez, we're getting a race now. White rabbit in particular. To see a white rabbit in your dreams civilizes faithfulness in love. White rabbit also serves as a guide. Oh God, what's the black rabbit mean? Negative shit. To see a black rabbit in your dream refers to fear of intimacy. Once again, the black rabbit being put down.

You are afraid that intimacy can result in sadness and unhappiness where your heart gets broken. Brown rabbit. A brown rabbit suggests that you're going to have a little fucking pickup truck with a bunch of tools in the back. A blue rabbit suggests that you are on track to achieve your materialistic and worldly goals. Perhaps you are purchasing properties and investment. Look at that. They were nice to Latino people. A blue rabbit.

Oh Jesus, what the fuck is that? The blue hairs? Old people? It represents happiness brought about by ones you are loyal to. Or maybe that's some liberal shit, right? Oh, the liberal rabbit. Oh, they're so fucking loyal, aren't they? They cancel everybody in the fucking planet.

Gray hair. The old gray hair. Gray hair. The gray rabbit in dreams suggests that you will encounter somebody who will trick you in the forthcoming future. Pink or red bunny. No, here, yeah, attack the gingers. Here we go. Dreams of a pink or red bunny can signify that a woman figure in your life is afraid of something.

Oh Jesus, what is her fucking problem now? Fucking waking over the middle of the night. A dead bunny. Who fucking knew? It's a dead relationship or dying relationship. Well, I've never heard this whole thing that the bunny represents like somebody you intimate with. I guess because they fuck so much. Do they fuck that much or do they just have a lot of rabbits?

Have you ever watched these fucking things where like rabbits get attacked by those little fucking weasel things that they outweigh by like three times their weight and the things still kill those little stout things? Like rabbits' line of defense is how many more they can make before you can kill them. To dream, okay, evil or killer bunny. To dream about an evil or killer bunny suggests that people are not what they seem around you. They can indicate that someone in your life whom you think are harmless can end up hurting your well-being. Big giant bunny. It means you ate ice cream and ate a fucking pot cookie before you went to bed.

Suggests upcoming fortune or windfall. Alright, see wounded bunny, injured bunny, bleeding. It suggests that someone whom you care about has been hurt. Perhaps you have intentionally hurt children or someone who may rely on you. Wow. The bunny is sick. It suggests that something is bothering these people and waking life, but you cannot exactly pinpoint the cause. Alright, this is just getting sad.

Alright, I'm just going to be an idiot here. Horses fucking dream. Dreams about horses full-length porn videos at pervertslut.com. I swear to God, that's a real thing. Oh my God, the feds are going to show up. Alright. Alright. Okay, let's do some advertising.

Wow, man, that got a little crazy. Oh, dude, you know what I just looked up? I just looked up the names of the WNBA teams because I am so fucking sick of feminists talking about how women need to support each other and they don't go to these fucking games. This is the teams in the WNBA. For all you women who want to pretend like you support other women when you really don't. LA Sparks, Seattle Storm, New York Liberty, Las Vegas Aces, Minnesota Lynx, Chicago Sky, Terrible Name, Atlanta Dream, Terrible Name, Washington Mystics. That's because the guys is the wizard's terrible name. Phoenix Mercury, I like that.

Is that Greek and Roman gods or just Greek gods? Dallas Wings, Connecticut Sun, Terrible. Indiana Fever, I like Fever. San Antonio Stars, I like that. Houston Comets, that's cool. Miami Soul, I think it means Solstice SOL, Charlotte Sting. You know, I actually looked up, but they're like an extra amount of fucking bees in North Carolina because they said the Charlotte Hornets, then they became the Bobcats and I think they're the Hornets again. Once the Hornets moved and then became the Pelicans.

Sacramento Monarchs, I like that. I like that. Any sort of royalty. Utah Stars with two Zs. Cleveland Rockers. What's up, Rocker? You know, I used to hang out with this guy way back in the day and he was totally into fucking metal. I still remember him showing up.

We were working in this warehouse and he had the new Motley Crew cassette tape. Dr. Feelgood and we went out to his car during break and he played it for me and he just was like breaking it down like Eddie Trunk was saying this was their best effort to date and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I immediately went out and bought the album. It was fucking awesome, right? But he used to do this thing when we'd be driving around getting fucked up, you know, me and a car load of my friends is what you did. You went out and you got a case of beer and you just drank and drove. And you just drove around until you found other kids that you knew drinking and driving and eventually there was enough of you that you went out to the woods and you just fucking drank until the cops got there. Then you all drove away drunk before they showed up, right?

But he had this thing. He would always, you know, once he once he was feeling fucking good, he was he was really mature. Like, you know what, I got a nice fucking glow going. I got a nice buds and then it'd be like, Hey, man, we're going to go to the drinking spot. You want to go and he would flash the devil horns be like, I'm all set, Rocker. Cruise me home, right? That was fucking it. And I used to think he was missing out, but now that I'm older, I was like, No, he knew.

He knew, man, I got the fucking glow going. Everything's good. The cops haven't fucking they don't know who the fuck I am. I'm going home now and I'm going to lay in my bed, right? Fucking have something to eat and watch some fucking TV. Very smart man. Wise beyond his years. Great dude.

All right. Let's, uh, someday I'll tell you guys those, all the statutes of limitations have run out on those stores. Maybe I can tell them to you. I just don't want to fucking get anybody in trouble. Liquid death, everybody. It's advertising time, everybody. And look who it is.

Oh my goodness. It is liquid death. You know, there's a brand new, there's a new brand out there that looks like tall boys of beer, but it's actually just mountain spring water from the Alps. For if you want to stay hydrated, but don't want to look lame at a party. Oh, look at that. Oh, what are you drinking over there? Drinking liquid death, motherfucker.

I'm all set, rocker. Right. And everybody thinks she's getting fucked up when you're drinking water. They're aging like a president and you're looking great. Time for a drinking game. Hey, pass me that liquid death. Let's go. Uh, give me that ice cold aluminum can with the skull.

We're getting crazy tonight. This water is giving me life. Why do they call it liquid death? Because liquid death will brutally murder your thirst murder. I like how aggressive this is. You know, this is the kind of aggressiveness that has really been taken away lately. I'm called toxic. All right.

And I'm sick of it. I am all for more aggressive copy here. Uh, and then, uh, these, and these aluminum tall boys are indefinitely, uh, infinitely recyclable recyclable. So they bring death to plastic bottles. Look at this. See that? You thought it was a bunch of bros and they're actually thinking about the planet man.

That's right. Death to plastic. Uh, if you have one crack one open while recording and take a gulp liquid death, I got to get this shit. I'm getting this shit because I got some plastic bottles in the fridge. I don't want to do that shit anymore. Right. Don't I have a nice enough life?

Do I need to leave all these plastic bottles behind for my kids and their kids and their kids and their kids and their kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids. I don't. Uh, liquid death also donates 10% of the profits to help kill plastic pollution forever. Try to think of something more hardcore than that. Spoiler. You can't murder your thirst and kill plastic pollution. This is great.

Sand the earth with liquid death. I'm Bill Byrne. I stand behind this product. Uh, it takes up to a thousand years for a plastic bottle to decompose. Your plastic will outlive you. If you can't, if you're not good at math, let's fucking outlive it a goddamn vampire at that point. Math.

Um, look cool drinking a Chris Tallboy filled with fresh mountain spring water and in reduced waste. It's a win, win, win situation. If you want to be the fun dad, you can even give it to your kids on the way to school. Play a prank on the principal. It's not beer. It's water. Uh, you don't want it.

You don't want my kid to drink water. Oh, I get it. And it's convenient. I'm already sold here. You'll see these cans popping up everywhere. Liquid death is available at your local 7 11. That's right. Just down the street at 7 11.

So grab some cans now and completely murder your thirst. I bet it tastes better too. You know, I like the aftertaste of aluminum better than plastic personally. All right, headspace, man. Oh, this is for me. Is this about being a yoga douche? Huh? Guys, you know, I meditated this morning and I know that there's Australia.

I know that there's a lot of spiders coming into your shower drains. And I just want to tell you, if you just can just remember, you know, when you wake up with a wallaby on your head that if you could just find your center, I'm meditation cunt. And this has been another episode. Just trying to take some of these life lessons that I've learned since I started meditating seven hours ago. All right, headspace, headspace everybody. Wouldn't be great if there was a podcast sized guide that help you sleep focused and act better.

There is. And if you have 10 minutes, headspace can change your life. I actually have this on my phone. This is something that I've actually used that I'm talking about. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy to use app. Headspace is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research.

What is mindfulness? The field of mindfulness. Caring about other people. Is that one? Could you be mindful? So whatever the situation, headface, headface, headspace is the porn site. Headspace is the healthy place. Headspace really can help you feel better.

Overwhelmed. Headspace has a three minute SOS meditation for you. Needs some help falling asleep. Headspace has wind down sessions. They're members swear by. And for parents, headspace even has morning meditations. You can do with your kids. Headspace's approach to mindfulness can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus and increase

your overall sense of well-being. Host, talk about your experience with headspace. It's fucking great. They took me a minute, you know, because I am so wound up and so fucking angry. You're just the sound of somebody talking to me calmly bug me. But if you're an angry fuck like me, push through that and this will help you. And more importantly, the people around you. Headspace is backed by 25 published studies on its benefits.

600,000 five star reviews over 60 million downloads. It's a runaway hit. Headspace makes it easy for you to build a life changing meditation practice with mindfulness that works for you on your schedule anytime, anywhere. You deserve to feel happier. And headspace is meditation made simple. Go to headspace.com slash burr. That's headspace.com slash burr for a free one month trial with access to headspace.

Headspace is full library of meditation for every situation. That is the best deal offered right now. Head to headspace.com slash burr. B-U-R-R today. All right. And we're going to end this podcast. I know Andrew usually plays music. He's going to play music, but I'm going to, I'm going to, I got to give you one here.

I downloaded. What did I download here? Some Peggy Lee. This is song called is that all there is. And I. That's docking. That's not what I was listening to this one right here. Here we go.

I'll just get to the part. Talk about our house burning down. I love these lyrics. This is the line right here. I mean, come on, man. If you did a montage of me hanging out with Joda Rose over the last 15 fucking years, that's it right there. Let's break out the boo said have a ball. Peggy Lee, our big hit was fever.

You give me fever. When I'm fucking sitting here and you walk in with your junk. But it was your fucking something, something, whatever the fuck and fuck me on the Davenport. You give me fever. Those all old school songs about fucking fever. All this shit you couldn't do now, you know, there really is a lot of truth in the fire. I can't say it, but I'm going. Oh, Jesus, that whole fucking thing where so much of this certain fucking movement is just, you know.

Yeah. And I'm going to save that for the stage. I'm going to save it. I am going to save it for my fucking thing in Australia. I'm going to work it out. Hey, work it out. Okay, baby. I'll work it out for the Australian New Zealand crowd.

Midnight. My time, which is actually going to be like Saturday early evening. I think I don't know what's at a 14 hour difference between here and Sydney. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Someone else can figure that shit out with Aldell Benny, the great Aldell Benny opening up for me working with me again. I love that guy. I can't wait to see him virtually.

All right. That's it, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I will talk to you on Monday. Just enjoy the little music, musical interlude here. And then we'll have a bonus episode of Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts from Thursday, a couple of years ago. However, Andrew figures it out.

And oh, by the way, Elton John, they were singing Elton John. And it made me my favorite Elton John song. Huh? I would have to say either the one in the beginning of dog day afternoon. But that's really because I like the film. But my favorite one is Daniel, my brother. You are older than me. Do you still feel the pain?

Of a scar that won't heal you right? Yeah. You see more than I. All right. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 25th, 2013.

Just like that. It's the end of the third month. We're almost a quarter of the way through the year. Where is it going? I'm sitting downstairs in my, you know, I don't even know if it's a room right now. I don't know if you can call it a room. You know, I'm so fucking sick of this bullshit. I swear to God, I'm ready to just give in to the insurance companies and just be like, you know what, dude?

What do you want to stick in there? I've recycled toothpicks all mashed together with some Elmer's glue. Fucking stick it in there. All right, you dicks. Like I didn't know you were going to do this to me the day I fucking got insurance from you guys. You know, we reviewed your policy and we actually found some areas. They always fucking do that, God damn it. Fucking pussy ass insurance adjuster, right?

The guy comes here, you know, and he's all fucking smiles and rosy cheeks, throwing stripper glitter all over the fucking room. Eh, we're going to cover everything. Don't you worry about it. We're here. We're going to fucking beep up. Right. And then what happens when the hammer comes down? Is he looking me in my eye?

Is he standing in my living room with outside air blowing through his fucking hair because I have no fucking roof? No. How does he do it? He calls me up, leaves a fucking message. That's what he does. After coming over here like Chris fucking Kringle, he calls up. All right, like some fucking college age dude who does not break up with his chicks. So he just does it over the phone, right?

Because he doesn't want to deal with the waterworks. He didn't want to see me break down and cry, you know, as he tells me that he reviewed my policy and oh, wait a minute. I'm not as covered as I thought I was, you know, then he'd see my bottom lip start quivering. And he'd see my shoulder start shaking, right? He didn't want to be there for that ugly mess. It's bad enough when abroad starts crying. Forget about a grown man. Did I just say grown man?

That's one of the expressions I can't stand the most in comedy. I'm a grown man. How many fucking, we know we can see it. Do you have a beard, asshole? This happened and then this happened and I'm like, hey, wait a minute, you know, I'm a grown ass man. Really has nothing to do with comedy. You know what it has to do with, you hear this? You know that that's plastic on the downstairs bed.

Why do I have plastic on the bed? You're probably wondering, what's the matter, Bill? What are you, a bed wetter? Is that what it is, huh? The pressure going out on stage starting to get to you? You starting to pee? You starting to piss the bed there, kid? Now, they got this fucking plastic down here because all the shit that was in the other room is now on the fucking bed.

God knows what's in my hockey jerseys here. Probably some combination of asbestos with some dusting of lead paint. You know, it's overrated, fucking worrying about lead paint. It's really fucking overrated. All this lead paint fucking removal. I guess when you're knocking down walls, you don't want to breathe the shit in, but other than that, if you got lead paint in your walls, it's in the walls. It's fucking in the walls, man. What's it going to do to you?

What's up, lead paint? Fuck you, God. I mean, what's it going to do to you? You can walk around licking your walls, how old are you? I guess if you have a kid, yeah, that makes sense, but if you're a grown-ass, I'm a grown-ass man! I'm not going to be fucking sticking my tongue into my goddamn walls, even though I can stick my head through my fucking ceiling! Jesus Christ.

I'll tell you, you really fall out of love with your house when you can see inside the fucking walls, and you just see all this shit that's covered up, you know what I mean? It's like when you're dating some hot broad and you're thinking you're starting to catch feelings, and then there's that one day where she just fucking answers the door, and you see what she really looks like. That's right there. If you still got that tingle in your chest, you love that woman. All right, I got to tell you, the tingle's gone.

Guys, I had to work. Guys, oh my God, guys, I just had... It's another pet peeve of mine. People redress audience is guys. Guys, guys, just listen. Gee, Bill, what do you like? Oh, I don't know, having a fucking wall? In between my rooms, that's something I enjoy.

Oh, I am in a mood. So whatever. So this is my deal, right? I'm in this fucking mood. Man's home is this castle, right? And mine has a big battering fucking ramp hole through the goddamn thing. So it's affecting my mood when I go out in public. All right, so here's the deal.

I had two shows this weekend. One in Indianapolis and two in Minneapolis. It was a Minneapolis tour that I was on. And what the fuck did I do? Oh, I know. So Thursday, I'm taking the red eye out. I did an episode of this show called The Crow Show starring Nick Crow. And that dude is fucking out of his mind.

He's absolutely hilarious. Had a great time all day, you know? We were shooting in this house that had walls and a roof. It was funny. It was actually where we were shooting was the home of the person who started the Cheesecake Factory, which I thought was really funny because I've trashed that place. I think in all three of my specials. If I didn't do it in all three of my specials, I know I did it at least one.

And I was thinking about it in the other two because I fucking hate that place. And there is one. I actually thought that I thought a guy started it, right? But it's actually a lady. Can you believe that? Some woman started a restaurant that went went national. I didn't think that they could do stuff like that. You know, I thought like when a woman started a restaurant, it was just like, you know,

her husband paid for it, right? And it was right down there on Main Street. It wasn't making any money, but it kept her busy. You know, everybody came in and bought her fucking gluten-free cupcakes. You know, just keep her happy. No, this fucking, you should have seen this goddamn house. This thing was, it was insane. And you know what you could tell?

You could tell that it was one of many. She owns the Cheesecake Factory. Do you want to, for those of you who aren't in the United States, okay? If you sell cheesecake, selling cheesecake, the amount of fat fucks that are in this country, okay? And don't get too cocky people in other countries. I'm coming around to you later, okay? Don't act like you don't have any fucking dirty laundry.

They're all your racist fucking soccer fans. You ever see when they pan to the fucking crowd and it's half of the people in the stands have Hitler mustaches. They're the most racist, ugliest fucking white people you've ever seen in your life. You know? Why do I think they're all white? You know why? Because I fucking watch the Premier League every once in a while.

You know? But I can't keep up with it because they changed it. They're fucking jerseys. They don't have colors. Well, they don't stick with them. You'll have a team that's red and white and then one day they'll show up with, like show up with like black and yellow jerseys. And they got fucking writing all over them.

All like a stock car. I can't find them. It should just say Man United. It should just say Liverpool. Arsenal. Just have fucking that. You guys got everything. They should just run down the fucking pitch with a goddamn sandwich board on.

You know, eat it Ains, mate. Get yourself a fucking pork chop. Um, plastic. This is fucking driving me nuts, dude. I swear to God, you know, if anybody wants to pull up my house, I swear to God, somebody pull up my house right now and offer me 40 bucks for it. I would walk. It's all yours, buddy.

Here's the keys. Kitchen's in the back and go fuck yourself. That's it. Get my socks and underwear, a couple of t-shirts and some sweatpants. And that's it. I'd live in my Prius. Um, so yeah, selling cheesecake. Selling cheesecake in America is like selling fish and chips in fucking Great Britain.

I mean, do you realize how bad you have to fuck up that dish to not make any goddamn money? It's brilliant. She sells, she sees, she saw the market. She was sitting there going, you know, there's a lot of fat fucks in this country. What a fat fucks like cake. Um, I actually not, I swear, I'm going to keep an eye on that relationship. I don't know who she is, but I swear to God, if that fucking piece of shit that she's married to, I love how I'm assuming that he's a piece of shit.

Let's just say she married a piece of shit. If that dude goes to divorce her. All right. And he teach, he takes, you know, he basically does what every broad does to a fucking rich guy. I swear to God. What do you swear to God? But what are you going to do?

I don't know what I'm going to do. You know what? I'll probably have a 15 minute bit on that guy on how horrific it is. What kind of a man are you that you would do that? And then secondly, after all these other men have been getting absolutely fucked in the ass in these divorce settlements that you could switch to the other side like that and weaken our fucking position. Cause then they'll have the example.

Well, what about the fucking douche bag who took all the money from the other, the cheesecake lady, the cheesecake lady? I mean, people like Oreos and they like cake. What if we stuck them both in one? And what if we had people that we didn't really pay a lot of money? It was a factory, just a factory of cheesecake. That really is a really, not an appetizing name cheesecake factory. Does that sound like there's any love in that cake?

They just pumping them out. People are fucking just dead eyes staring straight ahead, getting carpal tunnel because their job is to put the cherry on top all fucking day long, you know, get tennis elbow putting cherries on top of cakes. You couldn't even look your dad in the eye after that. If you had that job, he'd look down at the floor, you know, all proud talking about his whole family till he came to you. And what about Steven?

What's Steven doing? Yeah, he's got a, he's got a job down the road. Job down the road? Was he, was he paving the road? Where were you? Mikey, you're getting all vague here. What's going on? And you know, his friends already knew, already knew that his son put cherries on top of

cakes all day, you know, and guys are dicks and rather just getting right to it, they got a torch of the guy. Down the road, down the road, where? Down the road at the cheesecake factory? What does he do? Does he put the sprinkles on him? Come on, Mikey, we're just kidding. No, that's good.

That's good. Hey, is one of his arms a lot bigger than the other one from lifting all those cherries all day long? Um, anyways, I'm sorry, I wanted to get to the point of this podcast here. The point of this podcast is to make you laugh and to fucking whore myself out so you'll come out to my shows. And I don't think I've been doing a very good job. So right now I'm going to be deliberately funny for the next nine seconds.

All right. No. All right. Oh my God, you guys, I have to tell you this story. So I'm flying. So I do an episode of Kroll Show. Um, and always working with Nick Kroll, you're guaranteed you're going to laugh your ass off all fucking day.

Can I kiss the kids ass? I fucking love him. I think he's, I think he's a fucking genius. So anyways, um, I go, I go to the airport and I'm taking the red eye, taking this 1055 flight non fucking stop cause that's how I do it. All right. I'm on a good plane. Why would I want to get off it and switch and roll the dice and get on another one?

You know, let's just fucking get there. When, when I drive up to San Francisco, I don't pull over and fucking, uh, Burbank and then get, get into another car. We get it Bill. All right. So I get on the fucking plane, right? I use my miles, bump myself up like a fancy person. You know, maybe, maybe I invented the cheesecake factory.

People are thinking and then they see how I'm dressed and they go, oh no, he didn't invent the cheesecake factory. Um, and I go to go to sit down on my seat and I go to set my bag down. I was going to set it down right in front of me and the nice fella sitting next to me goes, why don't you stick it in the middle of this room? And he moved his bag out of the way. I'm like, all right, this guy's a solid dude or whatever. And then all of a sudden the waitress comes by a stewardess, whatever she comes by flight

attendant, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him, she comes up and she, uh, can I get you a drink? And I was like, yeah, can I get a, let me get a water, please. Ice or no ice? What? How ever you make it? Stop acting like it's a fucking martini. It's all right.

Just give me a water with ice. Thank you. Um, and the guy next to me, he orders a doers. Neat. No ice. No nothing. Just put it in there. All right.

And I'm really thirsty. So I start sucking mine down and he just throws his back like it's nothing. Like fucking John Wayne, right? Before he's going to turn around and beat up three guys, three mustachioed guys in the 1930s, right? So, um, I'm just sitting there and everybody's getting on the flight, you know, and I'm looking around at the passengers, you know, fucking doing whatever I'm doing. And all of a sudden the guy next to me, Mr. Doers goes to me.

Uh, he goes, excuse me. He goes, are you afraid to fly? And I looked at him and I was like, what? He goes, are you afraid to fly? And I go, no, no, I'm not. And he goes, he goes, all right, but you know, it's, he goes, it's okay. You know, it's okay to tell me if you're afraid to fly. And it's immediately getting weird.

And I'm like, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And then I'm thinking in my head, wait, is he afraid to fly? And that's why he's drinking the way he just drank. And now he's hoping that I'm going to be afraid to fly. So he, you know, he just wants to open up. That's what I'm thinking. And I go, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And he won't leave it alone.

He goes, all right, because you know, you're, you're, you're fidgeting, you're looking around at other passengers. And I'm sitting there looking at the, like, is this guy fucking serious? And I go, no, I go, I'm not afraid to fly. So now I'm like, fuck this guy. I'm not talking to this guy for the rest of the flight. This guy's weird, man. It's like 30, just get paint to picture.

He's like 32 year old, wiry in shape, but like wiry white dude. He's got a scully cap on with fucking glasses. Um, you know, and, uh, he goes, uh, like there's like a minute of silence and people still getting on the plane. And then he goes, Hey, sorry about that. Sorry, we just, we just got off on the wrong foot. He's like, my name's so-and-so. He goes, what's your name?

And then I'm thinking in my head, like, what's my name? My name's Frank. I wanted to give him like a, but I just, somebody's, I just wanted, it's Bill. And he goes, Oh, hey, Bill. And he goes, nice to meet you. So we shake hands and I'm just looking at, I don't have any poker face. I'm looking at the guy like, what the fuck is your problem? I'm not even trying to not, I'm not trying to be pleasant.

I'm already done with this guy. So then the guy goes, Oh, hey, Bill. He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis? Bill, right? Like he's fucking interrogating me. And I, I'm like, is this guy fucking serious? And I start doing the math in my head going, wait, is this guy like an air marshal or something? And I'm like, no, he's not.

He's fucking slamming booze over here. Fuck this guy. So I just go, I go, look, I don't, I don't have to answer your questions. That's it. And I just looked straight forward. He goes, okay, now I'm concerned. Okay. I am concerned.

And I'm looking at him like concerned about what he goes, you're fidgeting. You have issues with other passengers and blah, blah, blah. He starts painting like this, like he's been, I don't know what the fuck like psychologically breaking me down. All right. So now just by this point, they've closed the fucking, the door to the fuselage and we're starting to taxi. And I just finally look at the guy and I go, I go, you know, I came up with the fight. At one point I literally stick my hand out because he kept saying I was nervous and I stick my hand right in front of his face and I hold it level. Oh, that's what I did the first time.

Yeah. I hold it level. I go, I'm not nervous. And he goes, well, anybody can do that. And that's when I was like, fuck this guy. I'm not talking to the guy. Sorry. Fuck this story up.

Then he, then he came back, got my name. Now he's going, why are you going to Indianapolis? And I finally look at him. I say, listen, pal, I'm drinking waters. You're drinking doers. Okay. There's no issue over here. And then he goes, it wasn't doers.

What she gave me wasn't doers. Really? What was it? Some sort of spy juice? You fucking jerk off. This point I want to punch him right through his fucking stupid, wiry glasses. Right. So he's going like you look around hospitals and I said something that just ticked him off.

I was just, yeah, dude, I go, I don't have to answer your questions. All right. Leave me alone. And then he goes, he goes, he goes, he starts going like, okay, I am really concerned right now. He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis? And I just look at him. You know where I start doing? I start doing like this Ryan Gosling.

You know, that little smirk that fucking Mona Lisa smile he has as he smirks his way through all this fucking movies. I do go, I go full on Ryan Gosling. Now I'm not talking to this guy and I just keep looking at him and I give him that little half of smirk and I just shake my head. That's my game now. That's, this is my, it's like, if you're going to be a dick right now with your fucking delusional authority, right?

That you're going to like wearing fucking Guantanamo and you're going to waterboard me. There's no water. There's no board. Go fuck yourself. Here's my smirk and I'm just going to shake my head at you like you're a fucking pathetic human being. This is what I'm doing. All right.

And this is the funny thing. I'm such a dick. All I have to say to the guys, I'm a comedian. I'm going to do a sold out show there and that would make him back off, but I'm a dick. I'm like, fuck this guy. I want to see where this is going. So now he's all fucking amped up and he starts dropping F, you know, he's saying the F word. He's sitting there going, if you don't, he goes, if you don't fucking answer my question,

right fucking now, I'm going to hit that call button. We're sitting there taxiing down the fucking, getting in the line. I'm going to fucking hit this fucking button if you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just fucking Mona Lisa smile smirking, just shaking my head like you are a fucking retard. Right. So now he's, he's saying the F word so much the lady who's sitting in front of me diagonally in front, right in front of him, turns around and looks at us and now my heart's racing.

I'm like, where's this going? This is going to be great. I am a hundred percent fucking innocent. This guy's drunk. And I think he's going to hit that button. Oh, I got a feeling he's going to hit that button. What's going to happen? Right.

I want to see what the pilot looks like. Let's see where the fuck this is going. Right. So he goes, if you don't fuck you, he starts, he starts bringing his hand up to the button going, I'm going to hit that button. You don't think I'll fucking do it. I'll hit that button. And I'm sitting there smirking at him, thinking in my head, go ahead, hit the fucking button.

Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Right. So finally, now he wants to hit the button and he can't fucking find it. And it's in, in defense of him, I couldn't find it either. I was looking up there. I half wanted to hit it myself. Then he finally, he finally finds it and he hits it.

Right. And now I'm just like, holy shit, what's going to happen? And he's sitting there going, yeah, huh? You want to fucking play this game? You want to fucking play this game? And I'm surprised. I mean, it took like fucking like 30 seconds before a flight attendant, the one who gave him the booze, which evidently wasn't booze, comes over.

And at this point, we're like doing that shit where we're behind a plane. We're almost ready to take off. Like we're pulling up and then stopping, pulling up and then stopping as planes are taken off. So she goes, yeah, what's the problem over here? And he goes, I'm not comfortable to fly with this guy. This guy, he's fidgeting, he's looking around at other fucking people, blah, blah, blah. He's doing all this thing. Right.

And he just looks at me and I'm just sitting there fucking, my little smirk just shaking my head. And I'm just looking at this dude just shaking my head like this guy's out of his fucking mind. I don't say a word. And this guy goes on and on and on about his fucking psycho babble about how I'm the security risk. So she goes to, so she goes, okay, um, any other passengers?

Have you noticed anything? She's talking to anybody first class at this point. Has anybody noticed anything odd about this guy? And the lady who was sitting right in front of the dude diagonally for me turns around. She goes, yeah, I've been listening to this guy berating this other passenger. She's on my side. And I haven't said a fucking word. This is great.

And I'm just sitting there smirking. And then the lit stewardess looks at me and I shrugged my shoulders like, I don't know what to tell you. So finally she said, sir, do you have anything to add to this? And I just said, look, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis. This guy over here, he starts slamming his doors. I kind of felt like a rat when I said that I go slamming his doors. Next thing you know, he's dropping the F bomb to me.

Then I'm thinking, oh fuck, I just said bomb. Right. Fortunately, nothing happens. So now another fucking, the male stewardess comes over right now. He's going like, what's going on? And the captain of the fucking now at this point we pulled over and the plane has stopped 250 people trying to get to Indianapolis and jerk off over here. Can't hold this fucking alcohol who just watched a person of interest every every, I guess

evidently, I have no fucking idea. Now the plane is stopped. This fucking jerk off has stopped the plane. I'm navigating a goddamn comedian. Like I'm in the fucking Taliban and like he works for the CIA. Right. So now we're just sitting in the captain is up front in the plane like saying to the stewards is going basically relaying.

Do I really have to fucking come back there? This is the last flight of the night. Is there really a goddamn problem? And that was the vibe and they finally said to the douche sit next to me. Are you going to be okay to fly with him? And at that point it appeased his fucking ego that he was somehow in control and he goes like, you know what? Okay.

It's fine. It's fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. So they go, okay. So now the plane's going again. And now we're now we fucking come around and he's sitting there fucking. He's in my ear.

And at this point I am lap like the fucking laugh you hear me doing the podcast. That's what I'm doing. And he's sitting there going, oh, he goes, you know what? And I'm glad you stay. I hope you fucking do. I hope you fucking try something. I hope you fucking try something when we're up there. I really hope you fucking try something.

And I'm just fucking like God busting laugh and shaking like, what are you going to fucking do to me? What are you going to do to me? How are you going to punch me in the face? You fucking wiry jackass with your fucking glasses on. You know, that's a federal offense. You're going to go to jail if you do that or something. I don't know what, right?

So I'm just sitting there fucking laughing at the guy going. I actually, at one point I put my fucking little eye pill thing on, you know, like I'm going to sleep. Oh, I had that out too when the stewardess was talking to me. I was like putting it on as this total mind fuck. Like I don't know what this guy is. I'm just trying to go to Minneapolis. I'm going to sleep.

And so I got, I got my fucking eye thing on, right? As he's sitting there threatening me, just I was going with total passive aggressive. It's like, dude, I'm so not concerned with you. I'm literally putting a blindfold on. All right. So this fucking guy, he starts going, he goes, he goes, you think you fucking won this? You think you fucking won this? He goes, my, you know, my dad is, my dad, he started saying his dad's some major CEO

in Indianapolis. Doesn't sound like a fucking made up story. I swear to God, this is all true. He goes, my, my dad is some, a major CEO in Indianapolis and I will have you fucking arrested and the lady turns around again. I will have you fucking arrested the second we get on the ground. I'm thinking like, for what, for what? Sitting here, you fucking loser, learn how to hold your alcohol.

All right. And he starts describing the view that I'm going to have when I go to jail, like some fucking law and order episode. Oh, you're going to love it. You'll be able to see Lucas oil field and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just sitting there cracking up, laughing. And then there's this pause, right? And I'm thinking finally, he finally shut the fuck up.

It's like a three, four minute pause. He finally just gave up cause I wasn't giving him anything. I was just laughing and shaking my head. I was being a dick to him. I was cause I was enjoying it. And then there was like a three minute pause and then all of a sudden he just goes, why are you going to Indianapolis bill? So we're like 20 minutes into the flight.

And I gotta be honest with you, my adrenaline was so going during all of that cause I knew I didn't do anything wrong, but I thought we were literally going to go back and there was going to be fucking cops there. And if, if, if, if the fucking stewardess or the pilot asked me who I am and where I'm going, I'm going to tell him, I respect your authority. You're just some jet. I don't, you don't have any fucking authority. I don't have to answer your questions.

It was probably was one of the most. Fun experiences I've ever had with another human being. Like when somebody thinks that they have power and you know, they don't. And all they can do is try and just keep bluffing and raising their voice and start cursing at you. And if you just start laughing at them, the look on their face is fucking priceless. So the last thing he said, he said, why are you going to Indianapolis bill? Right.

And I fucking started howling. He's fucking holding my stomach, shaking my head. And with my fucking eye pillow thing on, right? And I know I'm going to get a ton of shit that I wear one of those. They're fucking underrated. Get the one at Brookstone where it's literally a pillow. I'm telling you, you could fall asleep 12 noon facing the sun. It's awesome.

So anyways, like after he asked me what, what, you know, where you're going, Bill? Like there was like a 10 minute, like probably 10 minutes had gone by and I can't fucking sleep because it's so funny to me and I can't wait to tell the story to every comic I know. I can't wait to try it on stage to see if it's funny or whatever. So finally I just like, ah, fuck it. Maybe I'll just get on my computer and I bring up my eye pillow and I like, I got to look at the guy because I know he's fucking staring at me waiting for me to do something. Right.

So I lift it up. I get my fucking Mona Lisa's smile going and I look over at the guy and dude, he is fucking passed out. He looked like he got shot. He was sitting there like his head was just hanging straight down and anytime the plane moved, like his head was, I mean, look at you got knocked out and for the rest of the fucking flight. Old fucking, what's Matt Damon's character Jack Ryan old fucking Jack Ryan over here

is just, you know, the sky marshal, the fucking booze bag and God knows what else he was on. He was just completely out, passed out for the rest of the fucking flight. And this is why I'm a bunch of dick. I am. I was having so much fun with this guy. I start, I can't sleep. So I start slamming waters because I want to have to get up and take a piss just to see if this guy's going to freak out because this security risk is getting up.

And this, the joke was on me. He never regained consciousness. And then I really had to take a piss, but I'm such a stubborn fuck. I was holding it because I wanted to make sure he was awake when I got up because I was going to give him a little smirk. And then I was going to get up. He hit the call button again. Um, but he didn't, he didn't wake up till we hit the ground.

And, um, and then it's funny. Then he woke up and it was like four hours later. So now he had kind of slept off whatever the fuck this guy was on. And I'm sitting there smirking, waiting for the guy to start talking. And he won't look at me. And I, and I think at that point he kind of fucking realized that maybe he got a little, a little extra, a little too patriotic. So we stop, we stop at the gate and everything and we're going to get up.

So I grabbed my shit. I get up and I'm just kind of looking at him and he won't look at me. And then the lady who was sitting in front of me had this big smile on her face. She goes, how are you? She goes, how are you doing? I went, good. I go, that was an interesting one. And I said it really loud.

So the guy heard and he didn't say anything. And this is what he did to try to save face. His pillow was kind of stuck behind, was kind of stuck behind his shoulder in like a weird place. So he was frustrated with it. So he, he ripped it out from behind him and kind of threw it down on the floor and went like, try to do some caveman grunt to try to still have some sort of, I don't know what. So, so that was my flight to Indianapolis people.

You know what? How far into the fucking podcast are we? That was a long, that was a long fucking story. That did not take me a half hour to tell that. Did it? Bullshit. I was talking, oh, I was talking about the cheesecake factory lady. I got it.

I got to do a little advertising here. Hold on, hold on. Now after the commercial break, this is what I'm doing because I have to retype in my password here. I'm going to tell you how I met Bert from Sesame Street and I did not have a good experience with him either. All right. Here we go.

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That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. All right. So the first gig I have of the weekend, I'm doing the Egyptian theater in downtown Indianapolis. Basically the Egyptian theater is this beautiful place where they have two theaters. They got one big one and one small one. I'm in the small one up on the third floor. The big one is Elmo from Sesame Street with all like his superstar friends and all that,

all the cooking monster, Big Bird, you know, all the usual, like, Ocean's 11 of Muppets. Right? And so what was really cool was we actually had to walk by their backstage area. You know, if you took the stairs before we went upstairs to where we were at. So I went back. I'm walking by their backstage area and there's Burt standing there. And there's the count. He's sitting like, sitting down like the makeup thing.

And there's Big Bird and all these, all these people that I recognize. So I take out my cell phone camera. I'm like, oh my God, there they are. And I'm like filming them and stuff. And all of a sudden Burt starts waving at me. I'm like, hey, Burt, how you doing? I love your brother thinking all this stuff. Right?

And he starts walking towards me with his big head. And I was like, oh my God, he's coming over. I got to get a picture with this guy. And all of a sudden Burt just starts tugging at the door trying to, trying to slam it in my face. And then he couldn't get it closed. And then he just walked away shrugging his shoulders. And I'm thinking, what the fuck? But evidently they have a rule.

You can't film them or take pictures of them because if the little kids see them without their heads on, or if somebody gets out of the Big Bird costume and they just see it hanging there with nobody in it, I guess it's really fucking traumatic. But I got the video of it that we're going to put up on the Monday morning podcast page. It's hilarious because now that you know the story, when you see Burt waving at me, you'll see how I confused his way. I thought he was waving hello, but he was waving like, no, no, no, no, no. No photos.

And he can't walk it over. I actually got nervous with his big head. I think I say, holy crap, when he came up to me, I couldn't believe how big his fucking head was. And then he just starts tugging on the door, but the stopper wouldn't let him close it, whatever. You know what it is? That's one of the ones you got to watch the video for that to be funny. Fucking Burt. What a cunt, you know?

I thought that was just his character on the show. Evidently he's like that offstage too. All right, let's get on with the podcast here. By the way, people, I'm going to read the emails for this week. And if you'd like to send an email to the Monday morning podcast, ask me questions. Tell me, go fuck myself. The email is bill at the mmpodcast.com and whatever. Send it to us.

And if you like what you wrote, we do get a lot of them, so don't get offended if we don't get to yours. But, you know, your emails are 50% of this podcast. The other 50% is me running my mouth about my fucking life here. All right. First one of the week, best man speech. Dear Bill, I'm going to be a best man at my friend's wedding in a few weeks and I am absolutely shitting myself. What advice could you give to someone who is terrified of public speaking to not make a dick out of myself? Thank you and go fuck yourself.

All right, what advice would I give you? All right, dude. If you're this nervous, that means you're not going to be good. All right, which means you're not going to want to remember your horrific speech. So what I would do is just start drinking like heavily. I'm fucking with you. What should you do? Well, the thing is you're so busy focusing on how you don't want to go up there and do it that that's probably what's causing you to not know what to say.

All right. Now, what I would do if I was you is I would sit down and just write down what you would like to say to your buddy who's getting married. Like if you were at a bar, what you would want, what you would say to him if there wasn't a bunch of people looking, you know, we say, listen, man, I think it's great. You found this girl. I'm really happy for you. You know, I love you, man. Like whatever the fuck you want to say. And then just have that down. And this, this is the bottom line.

Like it's just a bunch of indiv- a crowd is just a bunch of individuals. They're not organized. They're not a union. You know, you didn't, you know, take the last morsels of food and they just found out that they're all going to starve to death. You're at a, you're at a happy event. Everybody's excited. Everybody wants you to do well. Do you know what you have to do to yourself to actually not do well in this?

This gig, it's impossible to fuck it up unless you go out and fuck it up. All right. Don't overthink it. Just say what you'd love to say to the guy. You know, it's going to be fine. But I would try to do it stone sober because you don't, you don't want to be, you don't want to be a slurring old, you know, this, this is a pressure gig. You know why I do it? Because this, he's only going to get married once, hopefully.

So if you fuck this up, you're really, you're going to get a nickname out of this. Every time you guys go drinking, they're going to fucking talk about how you fucked it up. So I guess that that's why you're nervous. And I probably should have brought that up because I probably just made you more nervous. All right. All right. You know what? Fucking stop being a pussy.

Man up. You've done book reports before, right? Just fucking man up. Get mad at yourself for being such a fucking, there's people right now. They're getting tortured around the world. People who sew together sweaters it like four in the fucking morning. You know, and what do you have to do? You have to give a fucking speech about how much you like somebody in front of a bunch of people who want it to go well before you get to go to an open bar and start drinking.

Huh? This is what makes you nervous. You, sir, need to grow a dick. All right. And a pair of fucking balls and get the goddamn job done. We here at the Monday morning podcast believe in you. Do not disappoint us. There you go.

Now go out in the field and you make me proud. You make the school proud. You make your mommy and daddy proud. Um, all right. Well paid girlfriend, chili, Billy Burr, my girlfriend of one year is about to graduate from a major university. Dude, you hit the lottery. Very nice and became a type of bio scientist starting out at 80 grand a year. Holy shit, dude.

Dude, there should be like ticker tape falling down around her fucking pussy. I'm sorry. That was disrespectful. This isn't some girl. You just bang. This is your girlfriend. I'm sorry. I'm just saying, dude, you hit the lottery.

You know, every time she walks in the house. She's just here. You just march around behind her. My girlfriend's a shit. With that type of career and her intelligence, her salary will only go up from there. I work the front desk at a hotel in a small town. I'm not going to say the state, making nowhere near that. Oh God, here we go.

Now a bunch of women are getting mad right now. See that? You see that? They just can't handle it. Their egos cannot have a fucking sex. That's how I like. This is why. You know why that is, ladies?

Because you're basically doing our job. What would you do if one day your man came home and he was suddenly sexier than you and could actually give birth to a baby? Wouldn't you feel fucking useless at that point? You know, if a woman is making way more money than you are, I mean, all she has to do is just go to the gym with you and out bench press you and then that's it. I mean, you're officially not even a man anymore. Like this isn't really about the woman.

All right, this is about a guy where it's just like, okay, so you're going to provide and you can have the baby. Then I might as well be a fucking wooden Indian over here holding cigars because I'm useless. You know what I mean? Come on, ladies, you know the deal. Don't you want to feel like you're needed? You know? I mean, Jesus Christ, this guy at this point, he's a fucking Kardashian.

His job is just to stand there and look good. So anyways, he says I'm a well-traveled guy without a college degree and an ambition of larger ambition larger than the job market, but I'm happy. Well, there you go, dude. You won. You won. You didn't waste all your money going to college. You know, I think, you know, if you, if you, if you, if you major as a bioscientist,

what the fuck is she going to do? Huh? Help some corporation come up with some bugs. They can spray on some poor people so they can get the oil in the ground. You know, like how do you go into bioscient, scientific arena? And it doesn't end up being something evil. You know, if you guys hear that disgusting sound in the background, it's my dog licking her paws.

She fucking, she hurt her foot. We've got this goddamn cage that's made out of like fucking plutonium that was supposed to be pitbull proof. She's such a fucking maniac. It's like, if we just leave her alone in the house, she freaks out cause she has separation anxiety, cause some douche beat her and left her by a river. Right. So if we leave her alone in here, she tries to claw out of the house and at this point,

she could cause there's so many fucking holes in it. All right. So we were told to get like one of these little kids, they call them castes. It's a fucking cage. Now they don't feel overwhelmed that they have to protect the whole house. It's just this little area. This thing, I swear to God, it's made out of like rebar or something. The other day she ripped a fucking Pete, one of the bars off.

And this is what I love. She buried it under a bed, you know, like she's Tim Robinson Shawshank slowly digging a hole and he's got the Marilyn Monroe fucking, but whatever poster it was, Rita Hayworth. Um, so whatever, she's over there licking her wounds. It's funny as hell. I literally carry her down the street, let her go to the bathroom and then I bring her back and then I take out the little fucking looks like an, uh, oxy pad. Like she has acne and I have to wipe down her paw.

It's getting better for everybody feels bad. She's fine. She's a pit bull. Fucking maniac. She so gets into the goal. I'm going to get out of here. Chip and teeth and shit. She's nuts.

Fucking nuts. But I swear to God, her work ethic is incredible. She plays hurt, you know, just like Jordan. Um, anyways, where, where am I here? He said, I do love this girl, but I don't want to find myself three years down the road getting dumped for not being her financial equal. I'm pretty successful with the ladies. So it's not like I can't find another female who I can connect with and lead a happy middle

class life. She has a passion for goats. She wants a farm and I can really see enjoying the farm life. No more shitty boss. No more shitty asshole customer bullshit, growing food, learning trades, carving out my own way. I've talked to her about the money thing and she responded by saying, why would you worry about that?

Well, dude, that was going to be my advice. Just say that, you know, tell her and she says she's not worried about it. Yeah. Until she gets fucking laid off and you're over there whittling in the corner. Um, he said, money is such a small priority to me. I don't care how much you make as long as you contribute. Me making so much money doesn't mean I'll have more money, just more goats. Hey, Cleo, knock it off, which I know she truly means right now.

Uh, but right now she isn't making $100,000 a year living with some schmo who's grinding it out for an hourly wage. Life takes you places you don't expect. So she may shelf the farm life for a legitimate career doing whatever she decides, which would leave me pretty much incapable of contributing a solid share towards the standard of life that she is capable of living. Oh, if you guys leave your hypothetical farm, okay. Um, I would have left already, but I don't want to prematurely fuck up a great thing

just because I'm insecure. Well, that's, you know, something that's very perceptive. You know, dude, you're not that bad, man. You, you analyze yourself, you see how you're fucking things up, you know, and you know what makes you happy. You're in a great place right now. Anyways, she's crazy about me and I'm pretty crazy about her, but I'm a real, but I am a realistic and real, a realist and logic tells me that I'm potentially step, just a

stepping stone in her very successful future. Look, dude, if she's fucking crazy about you and you're, you're saying you're pretty crazy about her. If you weren't so insecure, I think you'd be crazy about her too. Uh, you want to ride this one out. All right. And, um, look, there's that lady with the fucking cheesecake factory or her husband, and I guess her husband's an architect.

He did design the house. All right. That was a bad example. Listen, dude, um, I don't know. I like, well, here's one for you. What if this relationship would have worked out, but your insecurity, you kicked it to the curb and then fucking, you know, 15 years later, you're in your late thirties, just broke up with somebody else drinking the local IPA, just going like, you know, I should have

stayed with, oh, I had this beauty back in the day. Fuck that. If you got a beautiful girl and she's crazy about you and you're crazy about her and she's going to make a great fucking living. Like, dude, women are way more forgiving of that. Um, look, if you get yourself like one of these fucking plastic surgery faced whores from the, uh, these reality shows, yeah, that's going to be an issue. But like, you know, as I think women, they're very forgiving.

As long as you're working towards something and you're a happy guy, if like, I don't know, when you're dating, it's very hard to find somebody that's happy and you come home and they're in a good mood and they want to do some fun stuff. Um, that's kind of way more important than making a fuckload of money, believe it or not. I mean, once you can pay your bills and you can eat more money, doesn't necessarily make you happier, um, beyond a certain point. I know a lot of people just rolled their fucking eyes, but I'm just saying like, you know, I don't know, that's a whole, that's also a whole other conversation about how to use

money so you're not imprisoning yourself. I mean, a lot of fucking people, more money, you know, that dumb song or that dumb analogy, more money, more problems. Um, you know, yeah, because you're going down to the fucking titty bar with money hanging out of your pocket, dumping Cristal all over a rug in front of people who work in cubicles or hustle on a fucking corner, you know, and that's how you end up having lawsuits. I mean, you know, you make a fuckload of money, eventually you're going to have a lawsuit or something, but like, you know, more titty bars, more problems is really what it is.

Like if you, if you make a, you don't have to make that fucking much money. If you go out and you buy a house that you can afford, and I don't mean the mortgage, if you can afford to kick the shit out of the principal, the principal, um, that's, that's, that's the way to go. Even then they can still fuck with you. It's, it's so goddamn evil. The whole fucking thing is evil. I don't know.

Well, geez, that was uplifting, wasn't it? Um, I don't know, sir. If you have some sort of a fucking dream, I would, I would, if you're, if you're making steps every day, working towards that. Okay. And she's, she's the person you're saying she is. She's not going to have a problem with you. All right.

Don't fuck it up. Stay in it. All right. Open your hat. Find love, buddy. All right. Okay. custody issue in Norway bill.

I'm a guy from Norway, 23 years old and have two children. Oh yeah. They already five foot 10. Everybody over there is like fucking six, nine. Um, excuse my writing. If it's wrong. No, it's not dude. You're, you're, you're writing is incredible.

You're writing in a second language and I'm willing to guess that you probably know a little Swedish and I know that you guys in, uh, you guys can come. No, I think Norwegian was the different, the different one. I think Norway and Denmark, they can understand each other and then Norway, it gets a little funky, but whatever. I'm sure if you, you're already bilingual, you're probably tri-lingual. So, um, I'm amazed at that. So here we go.

I'm not writing into any fucking Norwegian podcast in Norwegian. Okay. You win, sir. All right. My problem is that my ex has Jesus Christ, dude, you have lived a life, 23, two kids, my ex-wife, Jesus Christ. Um, my problem is my ex has my two children away from me. We had an agreement that we would have them 50, 50 oral agreement.

Oh Jesus Christ. After a little while, I lost my job because the company had a rough time with the economy. Now, wait a minute. I thought your guys economy was great over there because you had all the oil. Anyways, he goes, so they had to cut some cunts out from the firm. So now I live on the money that I get from welfare until I get a new job. Tough, tough marked in Norway. Now too many immigrants taking our jobs.

Yeah. You know where their immigrants are? The Swedes. Look at me. I'm fucking well traveled. I know what goes on in the world. I got something to add. Anyways, my income is a little bit lower than it was before.

And now I'm struggling paying our debt from the time, from the time we live together. As a result of that, she says, I can't see my children before I can pay my debt. Oh my God. What a fucking cunt. Wow, dude. You know something that that detail right there. I see why you got a divorce. First of all, congratulations for getting away from that woman.

Just kicking you when you're down. You know, or maybe she's bitter from the divorce, but good Lord. Anyways, he says to me, she's punishing the children by not letting them see their father because I lost my job. Don't you agree? Absolutely. Absolutely. That is 100% fucking selfish. She's using the children as punishment and reward like they're like their cookies.

They're human beings and they need to see their dad. And you know, I imagine at 23, I'm willing to bet that they're still pretty young. So they're at a critical point of their psychological development where they need. They need a father there as long as a mother. Jesus, where the fuck did I pull that one from? You think I had kids? Um, anyways, he says this has nothing to do with the children whatsoever. This is a problem between her and me, but that's not the worst part.

This fucking lady is now claiming child support. She takes the children away from me, although I am fully capable of having them. I give them shelter, food, clothes, you name it. But still she takes them away and fucking claims child support from me because I have problems paying out some debt we had when we were still together. How in the world can I pay child support when I have a hard time paying our debt? You see, she's trying to rob me for my money and takes my children to fucking cunt. Absolutely. So I've talked to my lawyer and I'm fucking going to court for this shit.

You can try as much as you want to break me and fuck me up, but don't ever take my kids. Don't ever fuck with my kids. All right, I like this. I like this. He's going, it sounds like the beginning of a Stallone movie. You're a good man and you've been wronged. But instead of the movies, you can't take it in your own hands. You got to get a lawyer.

All right. We'd love it if you could read this in the podcast. Everybody can hear it. More things need to come out in the media about this. Absolutely. Love your podcast. Please come to Norway soon and have some shows. Absolutely.

I was actually talking to the people over. I've been talking to some people over there trying to put together some shows. It's been a little over a year since I've been there. So I got a whole new hour of stuff and I absolutely love going over there. And this time when I go over, I think maybe I'm going to stop in Switzerland or France or Italy or something like that, maybe Spain on the way back, you know, have a great fucking time. But yeah, now more needs to come out about this. Like, look, I understand that she's upset.

Maybe she feels like you didn't hold up your end of the bargain because you can't pay what you were paying. And she finally just said, fuck this. But, you know, the lesson here is you have to get stuff in writing. If you don't get it in writing, you're going to end up in the situation you're in. You probably still wouldn't end up going to court anyways, but at least you'd have some piece of paper that could back up your verbal agreement. So good luck to you, sir.

I'm sorry you're going through that. And I don't know, is there any way to sit down with her and just say, listen, I understand that you're upset with me. I understand, you know, that me getting laid off is hurting us financially. But like, we can't, you know, we can't use the kids. We have to do what's best for the kids and it's not good for them to not see their mother or their father. Jesus Christ. Hell hath no fury.

Grenola, bitches. Bilbo Bergens. My wifey has gone Grenola like a mofo. Since we got married and she's discovered all natural makeups and hair treatments, she has started washing her hair with baking soda and oils, leaving her hair stringy and ratty, but according to her, feeling good. Oh, Jesus. Also, she stopped shaving her legs, plucking her eyebrows.

She doesn't brush her teeth at night and only showers every other day because she says it's all good for her skin. She's not a fatty and is a great person. But when it comes time to throw down in the boudoir, she smells like a sweaty hobo and it makes me grit my teeth. Oh yeah, dude. He says, I'm certainly not a Kong dong, but she always gets worn out from sex and doesn't recover for days.

This guy's fucking hilarious. A Kong dong. All right, needless to say, even after I tell her she smells crazy, she still does all of this. I'll see you telling her that she smells like a fucking hobo. I love hobo. Hobo's so much better than a homeless guy. Hobo, it's like you smell like fucking the depression.

You smell like the dust bowl. I'm on the verge of freaking out and going strictly all hand or leaving it or leaving her over it. Not sure what to do and I'm sure you can't cure it, but any feedback would be great. Pine away and go fuck yourself. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, this is what I would do. The next time she wants to have sex, I'd say, hang on a second. No, first, this is what I do.

The first thing I would do, I would go down to the hardware store and I would buy as many garden hoses as you needed to connect together from the side of the house. All right. Or maybe that's going to cost you too much money to make your point. The next time she wants to throw down, just somehow get her outside and say, yeah, hang on a second and just fucking turn the hose on her. Dude, I don't, I don't know what to tell you. I don't, I don't know.

This is a deal breaker. You got to be like, lady, you fucking, you smell like fucking 2000 BC. I might as well be fucking you in a cave with a willy mammoth BVDs on. You smell like you should be holding a spear. How else do I put this? You know, you should be squatting down, banging a rock on some berries. That's, that's what you fucking, you smell, your pussy smells prehistoric. Even back in the day, I'm sure, you know, even if I smelled the way I smelled chasing a saber two tiger across the fucking planes.

You know, if you smelled like this, I would drag you down to some prehistoric river and dunk you in there like five fucking times before I bent you over a rock. I'm trying to tell you, you fucking smell. Dude, this is like, that's like disgusting. And as bad as guys can smell, at least our shit can get a little breeze on it. You know, you don't want a woman smell stinky pussies like it's like hockey stuff. It's zipped up in that fucking bag. And when she on, she unzips it, you can smell it from across the room. All right.

A guy's fucking smelly junk. I mean, that's like, that's like old fruit on the table. His eyes buzzing around it and shit. It's still disgusting, but you know what I mean? It's not as fucking bad. Look, what's going to smell worse? A dead body laying on the side of the street or one locked in the trunk. All right.

If I made my fucking point, hose it down. Hose it fucking down. Dude, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. You know what I would do? I would just say, listen, I'm not having sex with you until you wash yourself properly. Okay. They make all kinds of all natural soaps.

There's no excuse for the way you smell right now. You are a fucking train wreck. Jesus Christ, why don't you just start shooting drugs while you're at it to add another level of skeeviness to this? Come here. Let me show you something. Look at my dick. You see what it's doing?

You see what it's doing right now? It's not finding the floors fascinating. Okay. It's depressed right now. That's why it appears to be looking at the fine grain of our hardwood floors. Look at my dick. Look at it. That's what you do to me.

All right. Dude, I don't know what to tell you. You got to tell her to fucking wash your goddamn ass. You know, I would just get like, I would get really passive aggressive. I would get one of those little spray bottles and I would have some perfume in there and not the all natural kind either. No, you know what? You got to be obnoxious.

You got to get the old school one that has that little pumper on it and just anytime and don't spray it on her. Just anytime she walks by, just spray it. And when she looks at you, just be like, you smell horribly. And that smell is getting on the love that I have for you. And every day it's like, you know what? My love, if you could draw it, looks like the roof on Bill Burr's house. All right.

Stripper oil. Hey man, basically I was in a strip club and rubbed some oil on the strippers. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, I hope you would dress like Walter White when you did it. He goes, my girlfriend knew I was going and was totally cool about it. When I let it slip that I rubbed oil on them, she went crazy. Said it was the same as cheating and she could never trust me again. It's clearly not the same as cheating, but she won't listen to me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This is what you have to understand, you know, when I understand what she's saying. Like, look, if your girl was going to go see the fucking Ding Dong review, whatever the fuck, the Chippendales, right? Okay. And they were just fucking up there shaking their dicks on the stage and everything. They're all going, fucking freaking out, whatever the fuck it is they do. Okay.

You could probably get past that, but what if she put some oil on her hand and started grabbing his fucking taught little butt cheek there? Or even worse fucking grabbed his dick, gave it a little up down. Huh? What would you say? It's not the same thing. There's a bunch of people watching. There's nothing intimate.

It's fucking silly. You would definitely have a problem with that. This is what I would say to her. I'd say, listen, I want to apologize for my behavior. I wasn't clear where the line was and just say that. I actually put myself in your position. If you went to a mail review and did what I did, I would be offended too. I apologize.

What can I do to make it up to you? You just totally put it on yourself. I understand what you're saying that it's not, it's not cheating, but it is. You're putting your hand, you got oiled up hands. It's bad enough. You're putting your hands on some other girl's ass. Your hands are all oiled up, but you can tell in defense of you, you can say, listen, I so didn't think that it was cheating that I told you that I did it, you know, which

is probably bad. Had I known I was cheating, then I would have lied and said I didn't do it. I don't listen to me. I'm a fucking moron. There was something worth listening to in there. Wasn't there at some point? Oh, Jesus, an hour and three fucking minutes. And well, this was a fun ass podcast for me.

I hope you guys enjoyed it real quick before I get out of here. If you would like to donate to the wonderful Monday morning podcast, it's very simple thing you can do. You go, you go to billbird.com. You click on the podcast page and you'll see an Amazon banner ad and you just click on that. And really anytime, anytime you want to buy something on Amazon.com, there's a way that you can, you can go to Amazon.com and donate to this podcast.

Go to billbird.com, click on the MM podcast page, click on the banner ad and then you go right to, you go right to Amazon. All right. And nothing costs you anymore. They're just paying me because I'm driving traffic to their site. They kick me a little bit of money and then I take a percentage of that and I kick it over to the wounded warriors project. So not only supporting me, you're supporting the troops.

Okay. It is a win-win. So that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Trying to see if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I think that was pretty much it. I want to thank everybody by the way. These were exceptionally great crowds this weekend in Indianapolis and Minneapolis is

just a whole other level. Like I've heard forever that they're one of the great comedy crowds out there. And, you know, I could never get booked at that, that their comedy club out there. They just had so many, if so many, you know, so many great comics wanted to play there and I wasn't high enough on the ladder. So I never got to do a club date. I did a bunch of college dates, the Luth, you know, and all these other fucking places. I went to the mall of America and I rode the roller coaster by myself.

I went to explore that level of loneliness. I've been to Minnesota. I've been to a Vikings game when Randy Moss was still there. I went to a twins game at the Homer Dome when they played, when Cal Ripken was still playing. All right. I went to a wild game. I went to the Target Center and I saw the fucking Timberwolves when Kevin Gannett was still playing there.

I have been to Minnesota, but I never got to perform in front of adults. It was always young adults. It was always doing college gigs. And I used to love doing that shit out there. Like when there was times I got you, you'd fly into the city and then you had the option of jumping on a smaller plane. Like, you know, if you land in Omaha and then flying out to Grand Junction or flying out to fucking God, I used to know the names of these obscure places that I went to.

I used to do this gig every other year up at the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and I used to always drive it. I'd fly into Detroit or into Chicago, depending on what part of the peninsula was on. And I drove it because I wanted to see what it looked like, you know? And I know a lot of people like, you know, it's not allowed to see you out there. It's still fucking awesome. When you get a perspective of how fucking big this country is and how many people were, how many animals, I can't imagine what it used to look like before the white man came

it all up. All the herds of buffalo and all that type, I'm into that type of shit, you know? All the Native Americans, what the fuck they were doing, you know? Although I don't buy 100% that Native Americans were just, you know, just because white people fucking committed genocide that they're automatically these saints, you know? Like there was no Native American date rapist dragging some woman into his TP, you know? That had been some of them that was scumbags. I mean, they're human beings, right?

Some of us are good, some of us are bad, you know? Look at them now, they're all in gambling. That's a piece of shit industry. What the fuck I'm talking about. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Thank you so much for listening. Oh, coming up, by the way, y'all live down the dirty south.

Would you like to come out and see Bill Burr? That crazy motherfucker, he's gonna be coming down our way. A couple weeks, I got my dirty south tour. All right? I'm gonna be where the fuck are the dates? There they are. April 9th, I'm gonna be in Georgia. Whoa, Georgia, Georgia Theater in Athens, Georgia.

With Paul, dude I called it, Verzi, and Jason Lawhead. And if you're lucky, if you call out, maybe Jason will do his fucking Reggie Jackson. He's gotta do it for somebody on that tour. You gotta see his fucking Reggie. It's amazing. Or is Dave Parker, if you're an old baseball, his Willie McGee. He's gonna kill me because you guys are gonna be yelling that shit out instead of listening to his fucking act. Do me a favor, wait till he gets towards the end.

Then I'm gonna be doing the comedy club at this stadium in Hoover, Alabama. Then I'm at the Charleston Music Hall, Charleston, South Carolina. Then I'm doing two shows at the Tabernacle in Atlanta, Georgia. That's the 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th. All right? Georgia on the 9th, Alabama on the 10th, Charleston, South Carolina on the 11th, Atlanta, Georgia on the 12th. Here's my life. On the 8th, I'm going to the NCAA final game.

And on the 13th, I'm going to the Masters. Go fuck yourselves. Go fuck yourselves. All right? There you go. There's your motivation for the week. Go after your dream, man. Get out of that cubicle.

Oh, and then the following week, the Southern Tour continues. When I go into this shady estate in the Union other than Alaska, I go to Florida. Monday, April 15th, I'm at the Tampa Improv for two shows. The 16th, I got a college date. I believe that's close to the public Florida State University. I'll have to figure that out. And then on the 17th, I'm at the Jackie Gleason Theater in Miami, Florida. And I can't wait to do these dates.

That's going to be a run of 10 shows over like nine days or some shit. Is that what it is? What's nine? Eight days. Over eight days. Oh, my God, it's going to be fucking. It's going to be phenomenal. I had the hard copy version of my new special.

Pretty soon we will be selling that up here on the website. That is it. Go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast for this week. I will talk to you guys a little later. I'll talk to you next week. Please keep the emails coming. I'll see you.

Bye. Bye. Bye. 01:50:33,500 --> 01:50:34,500 Bye.