Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-15

Episode Date: March 26, 2015

Bill rambles with guest Paul Virzi about skating at MSG, helicopters and George Stephanopoulos.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? How you doing? Just checking in on you. On Thursday, payday. I am actually in, I don't even know where I'm at, I'm somewhere in upstate New York. And I am bringing, shut up, I need to intro you first. Sorry.

How dare you? How dare you talk before intro? I am bringing back a popular guest, we like to say here, at the Monday morning podcast Facilities, which is basically whatever the hell I'm at. I don't even know where I'm at. I'm somewhere in, I don't even know where I'm going to say where. I don't want people to know, but people do know that this man is the king of New Jersey. Ladies and gentlemen, the pride of Trenton, Paul Verzi, back on the podcast.

And I am up here in somewhere upstate New York because we're going to be doing a benefit tonight. Yeah. A little bit alive. A little bit out there, a little bit alive. We are in Northern Westchester, we can leave it. We can leave it down. We're in Northern Westchester County.

Yes. It's creepy. Yes. Illuminati neighborhood up here. I was, we did, we did the Terry Town Music Hall last night. And afterwards I was driving up, you know, Verzi gives me directions to his, his place and it was just fog, no street lights in every three feet. There was a sign about a deer.

That's how I like it, except the deer, because, you know, I hit a deer. No, I love it. I love it up here, but it would be nice if they got street, all this, all this blood money up here from all these pieces of shit bankers that worked down on Wall Street and these was the Smith bodies of the world. They can't get street lights. You know why? Because they're vampires.

Vampires. Vampires. Vampires. They're trying to keep it natural, Bill. They're trying to keep it natural in the woods. Yes. Natural in the woods. You know, deer aren't supposed to be around street lights.

What are you talking about? Maybe if you lit it up, they'd just stare at that instead of running out in front of your car. Dude, it was so scary driving home last night. One of those things, like the fog was so thick, you're not supposed to put on your bright lights, which you probably, you probably don't know that. What? You don't put on your bright lights.

No, you can't. It makes it worse. Yeah. There you go. I know that. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, dude, dude, George Stephanopoulos.

I got to talk about that. I got to talk about that. Oh, we got, we got back up. We got to tell them that we had one of the sickest weeks ever. So I'm doing the benefit, the Garden of Dreams. The Garden of Dreams. It makes a garden of laughs. It makes, you know, underprivileged kids, whatever they have a dream.

They make it come true. It's a great charity. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. So the people at MSG, they own a bunch of theaters around the country and they booked me and them and we both make money together. So they called me, say, you want to do this benefit? And I said, Hey, why wouldn't I?

Why wouldn't I? After all you guys have done for me. So being the weasel that I am, I immediately, you know, I'm checking out the rain, the rangers schedule. And I'm seeing that playing the Kings on Tuesday night. So I call one of the Missilly brothers. The best stuff, best stuff, like fucking shoe leather. Those Missilly brothers.

They're great. So I call up, I'm texting with Steve and I just say, Hey, man, is there any way if I come in early, you know, the rangers got a game. Is there any way when they're done with their practice, if I could throw in a pair of skates and just do a couple of laps around the Madison Square Garden ice and he goes, dude, let me get on that. Let me see what's up. Next thing you know, because he's a Missilly from the lineage of Chris Steve, like the

Hanson brothers, except they're not, they're not stupid. They get shit done. Right. What's his other brother's name? I'm sorry. Matt. Great guy. So he calls me back.

Next thing you know, we've got a pickup game and we're playing X rangers. Yeah. X rain rangers out there. Hang on one second. I got a justice level here. Yeah. Next thing you know, we're out there. We're playing on the late law.

Oh my God. That guy was hilarious. That guy was hilarious. And Brian Mullen. Brian Mullen. Yeah. Part of the, uh, the, the royalty of the Mullen family, Joey Mullen, uh, and Brian, I believe two of them made, I think three of them, one of them made it, I think up for a minute.

That's just insane. Dude, when you come from a family where like two or three people, that's why no one will ever beat the Sutter brothers. The Sutter brothers had seven brothers all made it to the NHL and at one point I think they were all playing. Yeah. I think there was like 24 teams in the league and you got seven brothers. That's like the Molina brothers had three catchers catching the bigs for that, which

is pretty incredible to have three catchers. But, uh, so we're all dressed like we're doing crash test, dummy shit. And these guys don't even have helmets on and that, which is really dangerous. Like, because no, I said to him, I said, I said to Tom, I was like, dude, you're going to go out there with us hacks with our sticks, dude, you got to be careful. He was fine. That guy, his ability to position his body cause he kept fucking with me for some reason right out of the gate.

Oh, that guy loved you, dude. He just had it. He had it out for him. You guys had fake fight. Were you through the gloves down? Then he went down on the ground and he was joking. I tripped him. I got him one time.

He's going, here's Burr. Here's Burr slap shot. He's just joking. That guy loved you, dude. I know. And he did a perfect impression of my awful one timer. I was doing my one timer. But you know what?

I ended up scoring. Yeah. He did. He was in my world. You know what's funny? I was trying to go five hole and it actually clanked off the, but the left post, I just played it off. I don't even know if that's how much a non-hockey, between the legs, between the legs, I just

tried to put it on net and I figured at some point, yeah, if I have 200 shots, I mean, one of them's got to go in. You take the biggest hack in the world, he takes two and a half court shots at one point. It's going to go off the backboard and through the rim. I can't believe me and you ran into each other before anything started. We just, I know. And I went down. You stayed up.

I also went down. No, did you go down? I went down. I wobbled. Dude, our cages, like the cage hit. My head was like, what was it? That was my fault. I wasn't looking.

I felt bad about that. You know, but dude, you got to get to when we went to the game. We got to get to the George Stephan. All right. So for you guys that don't know, I'm bad with directions. Is that fair to say? Yeah. I'd say it's fair to say when you get lost in Manhattan and the fucking streets and

numbers. I don't get lost in Manhattan. I just, but I'm not good with directions. Never was. But Bill here, your beloved host is horrible with names, right? Like messes names up of, of players. He's like, dude, I'll tell you right now. He'd be like, I just can never remember for so long, he's going, Manny Rivera.

I go, dude, what are you talking about? It was, it was Mariano Rivera. So we're at the, we're at the hockey game. Amazing seats. They hooked us up with like, we're right there at the bench and you know, there's all celebrities near us and stuff. You know, it's like, you know, I'm drunk and I'm yelling at all Sam, you know, dude, it's hilarious.

The hanks was there. If I started Jessica party, you just see everybody, right? So all of a sudden you see all these stuff and all of a sudden Bill just goes, I have my head down because the guy poured me a vodka that was like a leader. And I'm just sitting there. All of a sudden I hear Bill just goes, dude, dude, George Stephanopoulos, dude, George Stephanopoulos right here. George Stephanopoulos.

I look up and in one second, I recognize that it was Jeff fucking Gordon, the race car driver with his wife and everybody in the second to go, 24 Jeff Gordon and I just looked at Bill. I go, George Stephanopoulos. And you're going, dude, you can't tell me there's a resemblance. They look alike. I'm telling you right now, someone's going to do it. Let me do this.

Please send the split screen. Yeah. Oh, they look, they could be brothers. Oh, George is the older one. Right. Dude, dude, dude. Jeff's the younger one who had no pressure because he was always the younger one. So he kept himself in better shape.

Maybe got a better looking lady. How good did Jeff Gordon look though? My God. God, he was so dreamy. That guy was just like, what are you talking about? What do you mean? Guys like, was it a 50? Jeff Gordon.

You know what's funny? I have no idea. I know I'm way older than he is though. Well, I mean, I remember that guy was winning titles when I was in high school. He just, maybe I'm thinking, get your driver's license at 16. I mean, those guys go, they start, start car racing at like 16 and a half. Maybe I'm thinking this guy's older than he is. He had a race, those ghost car, go-car things around the track.

Either way, dude, he looked like a 35 year old man in shape. The average age in start cars like 18. Oh, okay. All right. So then you know what he's probably in his 40s. My bad. Dude, he's probably like 29. No.

Yeah. There's no, Jeff Gordon. There's no way Jeff Gordon. No, it is. You know, but you're breathing all that exhaust that wrinkles up your face, but I'm telling you, he's 29. It wasn't that his shape though, crushing it. Dude, the average age is not 17.

What? In start car. They don't start with that. I'm just fucking with you. Dude, Dale Earnhardt, senior, rest his soul. That dude was racing cars when he was, before he was 20. No, I know they're doing that, but I'm saying you don't make it to the, to the show, Paul. Oh, to the big.

You know, you don't make it to the Daytona 500. I actually, I actually have no idea what I'm talking about. You understand that I'm never going to be able to watch good morning America or see George Deppinopoulos's face without bursting out laughing. I don't understand how he went from a serious guy on the other side of the, of the podium. Yeah. Being like accidentally sent off a missile today that landed in a fucking schoolyard. Right.

And now he like interviews Justin Bieber. Yeah. Like that's a hell of a transition. Now what do you think? What's, what do you think is more impressive? What he did or what, um, um, the guy with the big gap between his teeth, uh, not Richard Seymour. Straight hand.

Yeah. By far. I think it was hard. Yeah. Because I think straight hand came from a world of, you know, in a world straight hand came from in this world of athletes and here's, here's the other thing straight. How many Hall of Fame athletes can get that mainstream? I mean, Michael straight hand does a good morning America dancing with this dad's live

with Regis and I mean live with Michael and Kelly and Michael or whatever. He took over that, that thing and he's really good at it. You know, he's really, really good at it. Um, I don't know. I'm being biased to him because he was in the crowd. Oh, you're right. He's 43. Jeff Gordon is 43.

I thought he was older than that. Well, you know, I got, I got him by three years, right? Three years. Yeah. He's going to be, he's going to be 44 on August 4th. Oh, he's a Leo. Paul. He was crushing it though.

Like you could tell that dude, he just came in with the jacket. There's something about a race car driver that they do have to keep themselves in great shape. They have to stay like light. You can't add weight to the fucking car. You can't come in like a tub of shit. Tony Stewart's kind of like the, he's kind of like the heavy guy, but there's not many. There's always a John Daly guy in every sport.

There is. There is. Except hockey. Except hockey, really. And have you, have you find, now as a hoop fan, now that you've played hockey, what's so hilarious about Paul Versey is he has skated like five times in his life and the fifth time he skated at Madison Square Garden. Now, hey, you're a New York fan.

What was that like skating around, looking up, trying to find those New York championship banners? Just a minute. Half your ice time. It was insane. No, seriously. It was insane. There was one point where like, when all you guys got off and went to the locker room,

I think me and Missile's brother were out there alone and they dimmed the lights, but the lights were still on the ice. And I remember I was like, I just need to take this in. So I just did a lap around the garden with the garden empty and I'm looking at all the black seats and I just looked up and I saw the Ewing and all that. And I was just like, this is, I really tried to soak it in. That's awesome. It was, it was really cool, man.

Yeah. And I went to the locker room first because I wanted to be the first dude in the shower because I only saw one shower and I was like, I'm going to be sitting here forever. Yeah. And I, that's the one thing that weirded me out though, like just old guys just throwing their fucking just peeling their underwear off when they're sweaty. It's really like, like, dude, seriously though, like, don't you have it in you to just keep? I don't know.

Maybe it's all I got to tell you something. There's this 10 years between you and me and there's a big 10 years like, like when I grew up, when you took gym class, they, we were like animals. We all went into the same fucking shower that was like, uh, there was like three sections of the shower with like, you know, five, uh, shower heads on each side. I know. And I remember the first time we were in sixth grade, it was the first time we're all sitting out with little kids like, we're all going to shower in the same thing.

And I remember like the first week of shower of gym class, most kids didn't shower because you were too nervous or shy or whatever. And like five kids did it. I remember me and this other kid was kid Dan Bashner. What a great fucking name, right? Would die in laughing. Everybody who didn't shower with dying, laughing, watching their friends walk by butt ass naked. And then within like three gym classes, it was completely normal.

Everybody did it. And he didn't even notice. So I grew up like that. Yeah. I didn't do that in my school at all. But a steam room, when somebody does that, it weirds me out because there's something about how it's, it's, it's this relaxing meditative thing. And then all of a sudden there's somebody's dick and you're just like, dude, you're killing

it for me. Dude, where did we go? I went to a steam in Toronto and I walked away and the dude, I guess the dude was just, I just, dude's just buck balls out. He's like, yeah, man, how'd it go? Like they just have no, they have no care. We were joking about like, you were saying, what's wrong with guys like that? And I'm like, those guys are the straightest guys.

The fact that it doesn't even dawn on them. Who was telling the story where the guy was talking to him and the guy had a hair dryer almost blow drying his balls? Oh yeah. Yeah. One of my unacceptables on the Verzi effect, somebody goes, I'm in the thing and the guy's just sitting there talking sports. I think he, I think the guy was just talking and he was just blow drying his dick and balls

just like, like it was nothing. Dude, my thing about that is people like, people think that's weird. It's like that guy, that is as heterosexual. The fact that that wouldn't even dawn on you. You're just sitting there going like, that's so funny. Breeze is blowing through his puke. You know what, me and my friend, me and my friend, this is the, this is one of the funniest things though.

It's still the funniest thing to this day. And we used to laugh in high school cry when an old man is at a urinal. Any farts while he's pissing. It's one of the funniest. No, and it's almost like they can't control it. It's the second they just release to let, to let them. But there's something about it where they're so older, they're 60 or 70. They don't even smile.

And it's always a, it's always a baritone too. It's always, it's never a, it's never a high-pitched one. Oh dude, there's just something about an old man not giving a fuck. That is the greatest. Old men just don't care. They don't care. They announce what they're doing. Yeah, I'm going to go down there.

They're the funniest dude. Old men are funny dude. I know, I know. What year in your life do you think you tap out from giving a fuck? Like what year do you think you're just? No, I actually, I was actually talking to my wife about retirement and she's like, you had any mind? You're going to die on stage.

You're going to do this forever. I say I might, but I want to, I want to plan like, you know, like, look, this is this weird thing with age I'm at right now. I started 23 years ago. All right. I was 23, almost 24. Now I'm 23 years later, 46, almost 47. In 23 years, I'll be 70.

Right. All right. Do I really want to be, I don't want to have to be doing it. I don't want to have to be lugging my ass. No, you wouldn't have to. What it's going to come down to is guy is a legend of the funny bones. No, but would you be doing it for 50 years? Please welcome.

We were talking about this the other day, like Rickles is like in a wheelchair doing it now. And it's like, I think he loves it so much. He still wants to talk and tell stories. I think he loves it that much. If you want to do it at 70, I mean, Carlin rested, so he passed away at 71 and he was still doing it. And I think if George Carlin lived to 85, he would have done it to 85.

I really believe that. I think he would have done it. He would have just kept going with it. But my thing is I want to, if I want, do you have to take a piss, Paul? No, I can't burn another pizza. Oh, the pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

You saved my house, by the way. Oh, yeah. But my son, my son used to go, I want pizza. And I had a pizza informed and Bill just out of nowhere goes, you want pizza? And I go, oh, it was a hockey puck. He's making some de Giorno, I'm at Verzi's house here. It's not delivered. It's not delivered.

I ate that. It's not delivery. It's like, yeah, no shit. It's a frozen pizza. That's such genius marketing whenever they, and if you've noticed in the last 10 years, everybody who makes shitty food is always at now trying to do this thing where they have morons, all right, who wake up every day and frosted flakes. They sit them down at a table and they, the first thing they do to mindfuck them is they

give them cloth napkins and then they sit down and they bring them like Olive Garden or they bring them Domino's or they bring De Giorno and these people are loose. Oh my God, it's so decadent. What is this? Believe it or not, it's Dunkin Donuts. Are you serious? I thought this was for my boulangerie and Paris. No, it's a fucking donut from down the street.

Oh, look at this. Me TV. Oh, Paul, you got to see this, man. Rockford Files is on right now. You're a firebird guy. I, you know something, whenever I used to watch this, look at that caddy chick pulling up red leather seats, red on red. Look at her coming out, nose or place.

God damn it. I'd love to be living in the 70s. I'm just kidding. They were already bitching by then throwing their hats in the air, twirling around in Minneapolis. Who can turn the world on with her clam? Who can take another job, suddenly make it all seem worth a while? It's you bitch and you should know it.

With each little glance and movement, she's showing, first he's fucking back, he made a pizza. You're welcome, people. Sorry, man. That was even bad for me. Dude, you like, you ever watched this Rockford Files? No. I never noticed this, but he's not married.

He's got no kids and he lives in a trailer down by the beach. He's really like a loser and his dad like drives his truck. Like I don't know what happened to him as a kid, but he's got this sick ass, look at this gold fire. Look at it. Check it out. He's got it right there. That gold firebird.

It's that body style you like. You know, it's funny as you were describing his life, me being married with two kids, I'm thinking of myself. This guy's crushing it. You're like, yeah, he's got a trailer by the beach, not married, and I was just like, oh my God. Oh my God. I could go smoke a Cuban by the beach every night by himself without having a woman go,

watch it. It's gonna ruin your mouth. And he brings the same lawn chair that he uses as like his dinner table chair, just brings it right out to the beach. It's perfect. Is that Jen? That's not Jennifer Garner's father or grandfather, is it? That's James Garner.

Look at this firebird. That's nice. You like that mean front end on it? You're a Pontiac guy. Paul Verzi was one of the last Americans to buy a Pontiac. Like when I first met you, believe it or not, a Pontiac SUV now. If you asked me to name that, I could never, but you want to know, was it the Starfire? It was the one in the Sun of Fire or something.

No, it was called a torrent. But you know why I got it? A torrent? You know what it got me? You know what got me when I saw it? Not the white on the outside. I liked the front grill, but you know what really got me? When I opened it, it was cream leather.

You know how I like light leather? No, I like that too. And then I go, dude, light leather with white, I'm in, and the guy just got me. I mean, Stacey had no intention of buying it, and I sat in it, and I just looked at the leather and I was like, it's not a bed. Yeah. That's hilarious. No, that's my thing.

I saw people. I wasn't going to tell them I was going to get it. I'm going to get a 65 Ford Galaxy. I'm a sedan guy. I showed you a picture of that car, right? Oh, it's a beautiful car. Yeah, yeah. That's a beautiful car.

I want to have the white leather and tear match in top and then some other sick ass color. And then underneath, it's just all 2015. I'll be able to drive it across country. That's the game plan. I just have to find, I got to find an old one. People keep telling me, well, buy one that somebody already started to fix up, and it's just like, nah, because there's always shit that they did to it that I'd rather start at ground zero, just find one that's straight body.

I think I want the black trans and with the gold bird on it. Of course you do, Paul. I always say that about you, dude. You're right down Main Street. What? You're a ham and egg. There's no left turns with you. It's not true.

It's not true. I like Buick's and I'm probably only missing in your house is a sign that says home sweet home. I'm telling you. No, I think she's got that. I think we got that. I think we got that. I think we got that.

Paul Verzi is America. I think we got that. Hey, what about that Italian meal we had? Oh, Giuseppe. Giuseppe is a guy who has been, he's from Sicily. He's been in America 13 years and he owns a restaurant right over near. Never been arrested. No.

You got to get that out there. Homemade gnocchi. Oh my God. Was it good? Yeah, you know what? I like you. Oh, this cat? Yeah, it's a big boy.

I get along with animals, man. People, not so much. Animals like. Underrated. You know what I like about animals? They don't, they don't feed me every once in a while. Give me a little pat on the head. You know, Angelo Lazada, comedian, Angelo Lazada.

He was always a dog guy. He didn't like cats. So his girl finally talked him into getting a cat. All he does is post on Facebook pictures of his cat and I talk to him. I go, dude, they're underrated. Underrated B, you know, they says B. Yeah. I love that he still says B underrated B.

Oh, what's that? And he goes, what's a pop underrated B? Yeah, he's stuck with it. No, there's nothing better than a cool cat. My only issue with them, my only issue with cats is I don't like when they're done with you petting them, why can't they just sort of shake you off? They always got all of a sudden roll over in the back, like lightning quit and dig their claws in a little bit.

It's like, all right, dude. They tell you're cool and don't want to bother them. That's why he's like, all right, I could chill with this guy. He doesn't like, you know, the funny thing about cats is they fucking, they, when they say they like tolerate you living with them, which is the funniest thing. Like you feed them and bring them in and then they tolerate you. It's like, excuse me. It's something hilarious.

Oh yeah. No, no. Absolutely. Then dogs are totally codependent. Yeah. Needy. Yeah. Dude, my dog is like, it's like a psycho chick.

Like we go to leave it alone. It's like freaking out. Where were you? Oh my God. I'm in the entire living room. No, my dog is like, it's like, when are you going to understand that you're not being abandoned? Yeah.

We come back. All right. Next thing you know, you're up on the couch and I'm giving you a belly rub and you fall asleep. What is the problem? Yeah. No, because, you know, because probably because you didn't get it from a puppy. I don't know.

I don't know what the deals with that dog. All I know is I fucking love the dog. So I'm stuck with it. He's already like, like seven years old already. We got it. It's like a year, year and a half. When we got it. So it's like, she's, she's only halfway there.

Dude, they go 14, 15 years. No. Dude, the way I'm treating this dog, this dog is going to make it like 18. That's all. You kidding me? Changing the oil. I'm bathing. This thing's got, this thing has very low miles on it.

I take it for a hike every day. That's all I do to do is I, I, the thing's the best. The only thing about that is she's going to need that every day now. What do you mean? Like you can't never stop doing that hike. She's going to lose it if you do that. Oh, what's the downside that I stay in shape? No.

Yeah, that's true. Um, they still do commercials like this. What's that? Yeah, it's just for old people. Oh, that's going to be the worst dude. When you, everybody's moved out, whoever you married died and now you're there just thinking, I hope I don't fall down. It's going to be horrible.

Dude, that's like one of the biggest leads to them dying is them falling. Oh yeah. My 94 year old people are so unbelievably uncoordinated. It's like having you been walking for like almost a century, like what is the problem? All they need dude is a throw rug and that, like that could be cause of death. Speaking of uncoordinated, how hammered did we get two nights ago? I didn't even want to talk about it. I was embarrassed.

You held it together. Fine. Oh yeah. You held it together. I yelled at all. Sam, you sent too much. Dude, I've been to sporting events with you where you were a thousand times more embarrassing. When you started yelling at him, I thought, when you started yelling at him in the first

period, dude, you were, I wasn't, I was just, I just kept going. I kept going. I'll see. Dude, I was crying. I told me, dude, I was crying. And then the range of fans are going. Oh, I told me was just a dirty player. It's like, you know, he knocked him out.

You live by the sword. You die by the sword. Just like the clip says. No, dude, I was crawling in my skin when we went. But I stopped. I stopped though because I finally was just like, you know what? This guy could beat the living shit out of me and not even wrinkle his tie. No, you were good.

But that, that dolphins game, you made me cringe. You were the Bengal fans told me to get on the, on the dolphins kicker. You were so relentless that I literally had my head down. You go, hey, dude, you were that poor guy was pacing. No, I got him to walk down the other side. You got, I saw, I thought you might do that. And I'm like, I don't think he's going to do that here sitting in the garden because no, you started looking at him though.

You kept looking at him every once in a while. And we went to, it wasn't even, he was a dirty player, but then when it came time to fight then he would just turtle up. It just, I mean, it's just, how do you look your dad in the eye after you do something like that? First, man, did it cut out? Oh, no, this is, I always think this happens. It's these frigging headphones.

I feel like I ended up losing the recorder, dude, the battery life on this new, we give a free plug here. This Olympus LS, whatever it's up to, 17. I just leaned down. I just had a total paranoia that the cat was going to scratch the shit out of my face. You never know what these things. No, he would, he would never, in a million years, he would never, I know with him cats, cats have the loyalty of like, no, he's great.

He's a sweetheart. He's a hooker. Nah, he's good. That's hilarious. Boy, my friend, he gets hookers. Oh, I got a friend of mine. He likes street walkers. You know why?

Why just the other day? Street walkers. I was thinking at the other day, how many different names there are for that? Street walkers, hilarious. Prostitute, hooker, street walker, whore, whore, whooah, harlot, what was the one, one of Kev's friends. Stump it. No.

Something like that. That's hilarious. That's ridiculous. That actually seems like. That almost doesn't make it seem bad. Yeah. I have to look that up to him. I'm probably shaying it wrong.

Stump it. No, dude. Paul, I can't believe we're playing again today. I can't believe, I can't believe, hang on a second, I gotta look that up. I can't believe I can play hockey again today. Look at that. Stump it. Cross in the street.

I can't believe I can abandon your beautiful baby boy. Oh, look at, he's an angel up there eating his pepperoni pizza, watching cartoons. That's it. Stump it. Here we go. Is it Stump it? Yeah. This is probably like some fancy.

What's the definition? It's a fancy trumpet made out of gold. Stump it. Uh, definition of Stump it. Prostitute. Wow. Stump it, uh, uncertain. The term for who, uh, first used by Shakespeare to describe loose women.

Dude, that's fucking, we went down the block. I picked up a couple of trumpet. Hey, share a word out there for a loose man. Yes. Champions. Giftegab. Stump it. Well, listen, this is actually, if you're new to this podcast, I'm starting to do these

every Thursday where I just sort of bang out a half hour and then we, uh, we play some greatest hits. So because Paul Verzi, yeah, Paul Verzi is here. We actually have your, uh, classic clip, uh, from the time machine. What would you, but now don't, don't ruin it. But if you haven't, if you missed that episode or you're new to the podcast, I was traveling with Paul through the frozen tundra of Canada, uh, but just about a year ago. Hello, hello.

Knock, knock. We, we, like you said, we, uh, we ran out the winter there, right? We wrote out the winter in Canada this almost a year. Yeah. Yeah. I brought my hockey shit up there. We skated on the canal there in Ottawa. Knock, knock.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Knock, knock. We had this tour manager. She would do that. We would be sitting in the green room talking and she'd be like all the way down the hall and just go knock, knock. All right.

Hello. Hello. But and never knock. Never knock. That's the funniest thing. Knock, knock. Was her announcing. It was her excuse to just interrupt the conversation.

That was a lot of fun that, uh, what would you do? What do you mean? All the time machine before 1900. Oh yeah. So basically, yeah, I'm spinning off here. So basically I asked, you know, people always say, Hey, if you had a time machine, what would you do? Would you go into the future?

Would you go to a period during your life? Question was you have to go before 1900 and stay. Oh, you had to. The question was if you had to go in a time machine and you had to go before the 1900 and stay, where would you go? That was what the question was. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Yeah. I think I said I'd go to 1900. No, you said you would go to the 1800s and I, wait, wait, don't, yeah, I'm not gonna make the clip pointless. I'm so fucking ridiculous. I remember what I said. So anyways, we're doing this, uh, this benefits tonight too. How great was, uh, Terry town last night?

Oh, it was great. Terry town musical is one of the great theaters in this country. So much fun. And I was asking, I was saying like, man, does anybody have a tape to special here? And they were like, uh, Jim Brewer tape to specials. Oh yeah. That's right. That's right.

Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah just did one there. Okay. And Lampinelli is doing one, uh, this weekend, which I'm sure is already sold out. Yeah. I don't know. It's got this. It's cool.

It's got the magic in there, Paul. It does. Some places have the magic. That place definitely does. Yeah. Um, had a great time there last night, ended up, um, so it was no point driving all the way back to the city. Actually, there was a great point because it was a longer drive to where I have a place

in the city compared to where the fuck you live. No, you just didn't know how to get up here. You didn't know how to get up here. It was foggy and you and I tell you that my GPS doesn't know how to do it. No, you're looking at the GPS. You're going slow. It's foggy. You're worried.

I'm not going slow. I wasn't going slow. I didn't. No, no, no. I didn't. I'll tell you why. Cause I said in my head, Verzi already hit a deer. So right there, what are the odds that I'm also going to hit the deer?

Cause I'm going to the same place where he lives. It's done for a while for you. No, what I did was I got behind this maniac and one of those Dodge Ram trucks that was driving crazy. So I just drafted behind him. I'm like, there's no way a deer is going to be fast enough to get between me and this truck. And if he hits it, he's just going to see, here's what he's going to hit it slam on

the brakes and I'll plow into the back of him. People who live in Westchester go too short in Westchester. I was a smart one. I said, let's keep driving up. And I got this. I got the better schools. This is, this is, you know, this is country money up here. I got lucky with this house.

This is country money up here. I'm doing good. Everybody going, oh, Verzi's too far. Paul, do you realize how much the property value has dropped since you came here? And that's the one thing with like real estate that is really going to hurt you is the second you buy it, you lose money because you own it. Once the world sees your face, how sold and then they got a picture of you. I know, I know.

I'm there. Your wife and kids. Beautiful. Yeah. All right. But you are such a shit show. No. You know, you're so goddamn sensitive.

I knew halfway through that you couldn't roll with that. No, no. I lost weight. Yeah. Good. I knew it. I knew it. Yeah.

Hilarious. Dude, you are a shit show. I was like, you are the easiest guy to get. And what's funny about you is you always try to play it off. Like you'll just say like, Jesus, Paul, you're gonna wear that shirt tonight. You're like, fuck you. This looks good. And I swear to God.

It's like three, two, one. Dude, do you think there's something wrong with this show? I like it. You don't like the stripes? We were, we were up at Darby and you go, Verzi, take that sweater off. If you said put it in a dumpster, put it in the ocean. Oh, dude, you had a bad period. You're dressing way better.

You had a really bad period. Like the first six years. No. Yeah, dude, you had to grow into the fact that you were actually in show business. I actually feel like you dressed like a dad before you were a dad. That's how much of a family man you are. Like at the first time I saw you, this dude's got to have like four kids. There's no way.

Look what he's wearing. No, I actually, you know what it took me this in all seriousness, it took me to my 30s to learn how to, to learn how to honestly drink like a human, excluding the other night. Drink. Oh, shit show. Having good liquor, dressing nice like an adult. It takes a while. And I gotta tell you, Paul, not for nothing.

You got, you got a long way to go. I got work to do. You got a long way to go. Yeah, but I mean, I'm doing better and I look like a hoodie, I like a hoodie. I've always given him shit because we did Carnegie Hall together and he showed up wearing a J crew pullover and air Jordans. I was just like, oh my God, I wore a really nice sweater. If you say one more time, it's cashmere, 100% you know how much a sweater costs?

How much Paul was a couple hundred dollars sweater, all black cashmere with, with really nice jeans. It didn't look at that. Fresh Jordans on. It's awful. No. I think even, even that animal de Rosa dressed up that night. Yeah.

But it looked weird. Let me look weird. Shoes and with the jacket. That's cause his skeletal frame never quite developed. Joe doesn't have collar bones. A lot of people think he does have shoulders. A lot of people think he doesn't have shoulders. Dude, you remember what you told me at Greenwood, Carolina?

You whispered to me and then you told the crowd. I just told Verzitas and he believed it. We were in the green room at Carolina and you go, dude, dude, you know, De Rosa doesn't have collar bones. Right. And you go, yeah, that's why you said that. And like, and like you said, it's so serious. Like you leaned in and then you go, no, Dick, who doesn't have collar bones?

And then you went on the stage and you trashed me. I just told Verzi De Rosa was born without collar bones and he believed me and I just started laughing. Well, because everybody always says Joe doesn't have shoulders and what it really is, he has shoulders. He's missing the meat that's between the neck and the shoulders. Like it goes neck right to shoulders. Where did you wear a Carnegie?

Did you wear a suit? No, you didn't wear a suit. Did you? What did I wear? No, you didn't wear a suit. No, I didn't wear a suit. He, you said De Rosa was muttering in a sport coat. Me and you were staring at the ground.

We were all, dude, that was, that was intense. All right. Like that was, that was one of the fun, the funny, funniest, like nervousness, bastard. We were all excited. We all knew we were going to do well, but there was just like, then I, then I say something broke the ice. Yeah. We were all, you said, you sent me and De Rosa up to your thing and to your, to your

green room. And it was the maestro's suite that made us even more nervous. We're looking at all these dead composers on the wall. We're about ready to go out there and do our shit jokes. Yeah. And, and, and there was this awkward silence for about like 19 seconds. We were all just staring at the, me and you were like staring at the floor kind of, everybody just had this big game moment.

Like we were like, dude, this is, we're going to the Superbowl right now. We're in the locker room and you kind of just like looked down and you knew what was going on. So you addressed it and you just go, not one to fuck up or don't fuck this one up or something. Yeah. Tonight would not be the night bomb. Yeah.

This is not the night bomb. And we kind of just were like, we're breathing. We were the outside. So you said me and Verzi were staring at the ground and De Rosa was muttering in a sport coat. There's nothing better though. That's what you have to do. Something like that.

When I was telling the story in the podcast, the last thing I'll do here, so because we're already up to a half hour, when the first time I'm going to do that French Valley flight where I was going to fly that helicopter, like three hours by myself, dude, you're fucking sitting there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, dude, that was the sickest thing I've ever had to like mentally try to get through.

Like when you were up there, like hour one by yourself, were you like hour one minute one? No, no. When you were once I left the fucking airport, the safety, because I've done the traffic pattern or whatever. And I knew what to say. Long Beach Tower, helicopter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Pad number three, requesting left closed traffic and I just fly around the thing and it's fine.

But now that I had to go the second I say Long Beach Tower request, helicopter, whatever, requesting frequency change and I was leaving their airspace. Like you understand, like you stay on the airport where you're training for so long that you actually get to know the people's voices in there. So that's like comforting voices. And then you hear other people's now you fly away and you hear other people's voices, dude. And it's yeah, dude, it was were you just looking over the city at one point and what the fuck

am I doing? This is so crazy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then keeping it together and then like, you know, and how looking over at that empty seat next to you. Like, this is really me.

How high are you up there when you're up there, when you did your hour, three hour test? Well, it depends on the elevation of the ground. Basically, basically, you basically try to stay like a thousand feet up. And then when you go out to French Valley, the elevation of the ground goes higher. So even though your altimeter is saying a thousand feet, you're actually like 600 feet or whatever. So you keep going up. I don't even know if I was supposed to listen to something and change it, but I just looked

down at the ground. I know what a thousand feet looks like. I just kind of I flew with the day before with an instructor. And so this other instructor is supposed to be following me with this other student who was from China, but she was flying too slow. So like basically, I didn't even realize that. So basically, if I started to enter the traffic pattern wrong or mess something up, she could have jumped on and helped me out or whatever.

And the other person flew too slow. So I was way out in front of them. And I don't know. But I just remember before I went out to go do it, one of the instructors there, he's a fucking riot. And he knew because he was nervous when he did it. So he came over and I was sitting down. I was going over all my preflight shit, making sure I had all the frequencies, the 80s.

I had a little drawing. So I knew when I was looking down, which highways I was passing over, because you can fucking get lost up there. Right. It's fucking just making me nervous now. Just talking about just all the shit that could have potentially gone wrong. And so he just sat down next to me like sort of near me or whatever and sort of glanced in my direction.

And I looked at him. He just made one of those faces. And just I'm like, he just kind of like, here we go. And he kind of rubbed his hands together and we both burst it out laughing and I so fucking needed that. Yeah. Why'd you do this in the first place? Like, what was the, is it like your joke where you want to be able to get at?

It's a combination of that. And I grew up watching Magnum PI when I used to see that dude flying around the helicopter seemed cool as hell. And I started and I always wanted to do it, but I always really thought I was too stupid. I didn't think I could, I could get through ground school or anything like that. But then I think once it became a bit on stage and I was saying, I want to like just saying out loud, I want to do this. And I was thinking like, yeah, I do want to do this.

And I finally have the time in my life and you know, when it's not cheap, I finally got a little bit of money here. I can do it. Why not fly a jet? Why not fly an airplane? That's the, you don't want to do that? That's that's kind of gangster being able to get in a jet though. Yeah.

No, that's, yeah, I don't know. I just, I just think helicopters are cooler because you really can fly. Like you can just, you can go forwards, backwards, you got hummingbird, you can just stop. You go backwards? Yeah. It's just, you just tilt in the disc. The main road. It's just like, it's like a little fan, Paul.

That's all it is. That's palsy dude. I give you credit, man. Seriously. I give you credit to be able to do that. I gotta tell you, it's way, it's way, dude, I'm telling you right now, that fucking drive coming out to your place, man, with fog and deer and all of that shit and no street lights going through this headless horseman shit you got up here, man.

I'm telling you, the most dangerous thing you'll ever do is drive down a highway when it's congested and, but it's not like traffic. Everybody's still doing like 70. Yeah. And you know, people listen to the radio, they get a texting, they're doing all of this type of stuff. People have this whole thing like, Oh, I can't, you know, you're up there or something goes wrong.

You just plummet to your death. It's like, think about how many times you've driven down the highway or driven down a road and you see that little memorial, little makeshift, the reef and the candles. People fucking die all the time. Oh yeah. Driving. Dude, I'm not flying up there. And there's like, dude, you understand, you drive down a road like up here, a little two

lane road, you're doing 40. Another guy's doing 40 on the other side of the road. All it takes them is to accidentally come over to your side. You got a head on collision, not to mention on either side, you got trees and all this crap. Dude, you go up there. There's nothing up there. There's other people, but you're taught and you're talking to each other.

Yeah. So I just think it's that it's still, dude, it's still dangerous, but compared to what you're doing down here, you could walk away from a car accident. That's what why the Harrison Ford walked away. Yeah. Is he all right? Yeah. I mean, that's nothing.

I don't like planes. When you still land, you still got to be going like 60 knots, trying to land on a helicopter. You just, you just come straight down. I mean, after you do your flair. Yeah. You just go straight down. Yeah. And it's no, and hopefully your tail doesn't strike anything.

Well, what sucks is you probably, because I told you what the most gangster thing would be. The one of the most incredible things you could do would be this. Bill's going to Vegas. You headline some shows in Vegas, right? You take your fucking helicopter landed on top of the Mirage. Oh, you think I haven't thought about that already? Get your money and then you get your fucking helicopter.

You go. The only thing is I heard in the winds with the desert is, yeah, no, I wouldn't want to fly. No. All the planes come in crazy. The planes at the airport come in crazy because of the desert, because of the wind and all that stuff. You know, so I couldn't imagine a helicopter.

You're sitting up there. Yeah. Yeah. The sand really holds the heat and then that heats it up and then cooler air comes in and then it shoots up. I have to know all that weather shit. So what you have is just these, you have a lifting force, Paul, which causes turbulence. It's never an easy landing out there, but it every once in a while it is, but I wouldn't

want to land on top of a building anyways. I don't think I have that skill and I just think it's going to be unbelievably fucking windy. And then also I would be worried like, okay, now I am, I'm coming down and it's just like if I fuck this up, if I fuck this up a little bit and go over the side of the building trying to correct that, I'm just going to, that's the greatest opening to any special though. If the opening to your special was you getting out of your fucking helicopter and then going down, it would be obnoxious.

It would be obnoxious. Oh, that would be gangster. Come on. How you doing? First of all, dude, first of all, I barely even know what the fuck I'm doing. Jeff Dunham. Jeff Dunham is like Maverick from Top Gun. Jeff Dunham builds his own helicopter.

I saw, did you ever see that? There's this whole thing on Jeff Dunham is fucking unbelievable. He's like a fucking Renaissance man. Do you know that that whole thing with the puppets, like there's a deal, if you go out and you buy the puppet in a store and then you become famous with it, like the makers of the puppet can come at you and say, well, you did it with our product. So he made his own, right? Yeah.

He didn't just make his own like I would make in a friggin' soft puppet. It's okay. It's okay. It's on ice. Let's draw a little face on my hand. Dude, this guy like, he's got like these computers, they do like this three-dimensional like design of the head and then he puts it in like this, looks like a microwave and he makes, I can't even explain what, it was like watching like a, the guy's a genius.

Yeah. You know, I really wish I knew what that documentary on him was and it was all his life. I mean, it really fleshed him out and made him a person because that guy gets a lot of shit. Oh, he does puppets and ventriloquist. It's like, yeah, he fucking, the guy made it as a ventriloquist in the 2000s. You know, difficult that is. It's like me making it as like a blacksmith.

You know what I mean? Just because it's like, like the level of talent you got to have, like I was absolutely blown away. Smart man. He's a smart man. Understatement. Yeah. Understatement.

I'm not a ventriloquist guy, but like what he did with them with the terrorist guy, I was pretty clever. Look, I'm just saying that's not my style, but the guy builds his own frigging helicopters. Does he? Yeah. You want to talk about balls the size of your house? Yeah, that's crazy. This Paul, I wouldn't get, I wouldn't get on a skateboard that I made.

I would on fight on a flat sidewalk and I'd be wearing elbow pads and knee pads. This guy gets in his, I mean, it's insane. That's crazy. If you really want to learn about it, he would be the guy. All right, dude, we've already done 40 something minutes. You know why Paul? Because it's so effortless to talk to you. This is so fun.

All right. This has been the Thursday podcast, Thursday, Monday morning podcast. Just checking in. Whatever we're going to call this sometime. Is this going to be up for tonight? Today? Yeah. If you don't mind.

Well, could we plug the, plug what? Oh yeah. The show. Yeah. Oh, the show. Yeah. We're doing. Well, tonight we're doing a benefit for my brother-in-law, Kevin Longtoe.

Passed away far too soon, but we're going to do something positive with it. His money and his name for a scholarship, Bill and other comedians were really kind enough to come in. Ben Bailey? Yeah. Bill, Ben Bailey, Chris. Ben Bailey. Well, a lot.

Yeah. Kind enough to come in and do this. And we're going to have a good time tonight. 7.30 tonight at Levity Live. Almost sold out, but there are still some tickets available. So if you want to pick those up, you can pick them up at the window tonight. 7.30 tonight, Levity Live, Westniac, New York. Come out.

Beautiful. All right. Now let's go back in time and enjoy some classic hits from the Monday morning podcast. Bill Burr and Paul Verzi, we were up in Canada discussing time travel. Enjoy. Let's go here, time travel, time travel, Billy Thrills. If you could travel to any time period prior to 1900, but you were forced to live out your

life there and you couldn't come back to the present, where would you choose to go? Keep in mind anything before 1900 means everyone probably smells and dies at 40 years of age. That's not true. Not if you have money. You live long. Ben Franklin lived for a long time and he was a fucking boozebag out there flying his kite in the rain. Did he live long?

Yeah. Yeah. He could be like 70. Oh, wow. Yeah. He went out there with his kite in the rain and he was fucking shit-faced. So he had his house keys tied to the thing. That's the real story of how he discovered electricity.

He was fucking hammered. Are you serious? Yeah. He was out of his fucking mind. And if he was actually stoned sober, he probably would have died because he would have tensed up when he got electrocuted, but because he was drunk, he was all relaxed, like, hey, man, he just rolled down the hill, landed on his bolt. That's actually how he went bolt.

He went down the hill, like, when the lightning struck, it hit the key and it blew tough his head off. What? Yeah. New studies have shown all of this. Oh, I thought it was just fucking male pattern baldness. No. That's a good...

He got electrocuted. No. Like, 30% of people, this is the worst thing they never talk about, if you get struck by a lightning, like, you immediately, it blows off that top part. Are you serious? Yeah. And it doesn't come back either. Well, it wouldn't make a difference with me, but fuck it.

That's why, like, Michael Bolton does that charity. He does that charity thing for... Don't tell me he does a charity for people that get struck by lightning. By lightning. The hair blown off. I can't believe you believe in this shit. I'm just making the whole of this up. Yeah, the fucking top of the head, yeah.

No, it doesn't. But does he have a charity? Michael Bolton? Yeah. Yeah. But not for that. No. Oh.

All right, let's continue. I'm sitting here like, just fucking... Dude, that was getting so deep, I couldn't keep a straight face. I'm like, there's no way he's believing this one. All right, this one. Skidded down the hill. I said, that's how he went bald, and I go, no, no, wait, here's a better lie. And you're still like, really?

Is that what happened? Jesus Christ, Paul, what's the world coming to? All right, Paul, if you could live any time period, before 1900, anywhere, any time, oh man. Where would you go? I don't know. I would go somewhere where there was a war, but wait, but in the question, can I take things from present?

Oh, see, you time traveled any period, 1900. Dude, what the fuck would you bring here? The second you pulled anything out, they think you were a witch and they kill you. No, what I'm saying is I would go to there with like shit that they don't have now. That's what I'm saying. And like, like in a war, though, and I fucking just laced, like if I took a side, you know, you go with a couple Oozies or a fucking machine gun, you just fucking laced, when you'd be a fucking God forever, they'd be a hero.

You know, you'd be like, you'd be a God. So what are you going to do? You're just going to walk out in the field in your snikey fucking sweatshirt and Jordan's. Yeah, just walk out dressed like this and they would be like, you know, when they were packing muskets and doing the whole thing. And I'd be like, no, no, no, guys, I got this. So what year? What year?

So I just fucking, and they would be like, oh my God, just be the fucking man forever. I'd be the man forever. You imagine that? Yeah. I'm just trying to wrap my head around where they're not completely freaked out by you. You're going to go. First of all, first of all, what year are you going back to? Well, he said what?

He said prior 1900. Yeah. So what year are you going back to? Uh, the packing muskets. So what are we talking here? Uh, well, there was a couple of one there. What is it? Like 18, like 1870s.

1870s? Right. Well, by 1870s, they had like the Winchester's and those repeating rifles and that they actually had their first, like machine gun in the Civil War, I believe, Spanish American. Anyways, we had the little crank. You fucking mowed them down. So I go before that time then. So you're talking like, I, if I was you, I would go early 1800s.

Okay. So I'd go early 1800s and I would bring some sort of, who are you going to mow down? What if you went in the French and Indian war and you actually fought on the side of the Indians? What year was? Just mowed down a bunch of French people. Okay. Whichever side I decided to choose, like when I got there and they saw that I showed up

from a time machine, right, one group's going to be nicer to me, right? No, they're all going to be completely freaked out by you. Right. But one, there's going to be the one. You was a threat and you'll probably have to turn your oozy on them. Then you'd have to steal their clothes and then try to fucking do an accent. I would choose the side of the people that were the nicest, warmest to me when I got there and then I would fucking become their savior.

Nobody's going to be nice to you, Paul. Do you understand it? If I did that, they would rewrite the book on me. They would be a mythical. No, they would kill you. No, I would be like that. They would kill you, Paul. They would kill you.

They would tell stories. What happened to Jesus? No, they would tell. What happened to Jesus? They got crucified. They didn't have an oozy. Okay. Yeah, but you're going to run out of bullets though.

No, but in the question, it doesn't specify like what I'm coming with. I'm going to go prepared. How big is this fucking time machine? No, no, no. No, I'm going to go with like a bunch of clips and a couple of oozies, okay, and they're going to write fucking stories about me. They're going to have mass murdering psycho from the fucking future. They're going to go.

Some mythical. Wearing lazy clothes. Some Italian thing through from New York. Some Italian through from New York. They don't even know what New York is. Actually, maybe the other. They want New. Yeah, dude, you're not.

Listen. Paul, this is the key. They wouldn't all kill me. They wouldn't all kill me. But Paul, I would say I'm here to help you. Listen, I came to this. I came. Listen to what I would tell them.

Okay. And then you tell them what you'd say. I came to the future to help you. This machine brought me here to help you. I'm going to solve your problems. And then I would fucking pull out. Okay. Let me ask you this.

Let's do this. Let's say. Okay. Fucking after this tour, you can't sleep one night and you look out your backyard and you see this fucking thing appear out of nowhere and this guy gets out and starts walking towards your fucking house from a time machine and let's just say you have a shotgun and this guy walks up and he goes, no, no, hey, listen, listen, Paul, Paul, he's wearing these weird workout clothes from 300 years in the future.

Listen, I'm here to help you. I'm here to do things that you're going to like. You're going to fucking trust this guy. No, no, no, because I was sleeping in my bed and I'm not, I'm talking about, I want to show up into a conflict. I want to show up to the moment of a conflict and fucking take a side and win it. I want to win the game for the team. This is what I'm saying.

It's a very narcissistic behavior here, Paul, you know, you think you're just going to show up in a battlefield, show up and you fucking walk out of this thing with a hoodie, sweatshirt and a fucking Uzi and the union army and the rebels are not like one of them is going to embrace you. Yeah. One of those groups are losing fathers and sons and I go, I got this fuck the musket and I just fucking, I just fucking lace out an army. They're going to look at me like, dude, this guy, what are they going to do?

They're going to go that we've been saved. They would, once they realized you were mortal, they would fucking probably would, they would take your weapons is what they would do. How they get in the Uzi from me if they're fucking packing a musket and they have knives because what are you talking about, because you're going to have your fucking back to them if you're shooting at the other guy, Paul, you know what they're going to do? They're going to probably act nice to you and then what they're going to do is they're going to try to figure out where the fuck you came from.

They're going to immediately confiscate your fucking time machine and they're going to try to see if they can duplicate it so it's wait, so they can run the fucking world. Okay. How they're going to confiscate the time machine from me when I'm the one with the ammo. I'm the one with the semi automatic weapons. I'm the one who's just say, what are they going to do? What are they going to do? Paul is they're going to fucking put an all points bulletin out on every fucking goddamn

tree out there, wanted sweat pant guy from the future. This man alone has been in this time zone, this era for fucking 20 minutes and has already killed 600 people. No, but here's the thing. The question was where would you go and if you couldn't come back? If I survived this, I'm a legend. Did you see, did you forget about, I know you didn't read anything in history. Yeah, let's just talk movies.

Okay. Yeah, World War two. What, that there's muskets in 1870? No, no, no, no. What the fuck? The World War two. Did they pack in the guns I mean in 1870? I just laughed so hard at seeing that.

No, World War two I read about. I read about shit. You literally sound like you're sitting on a stoop right now. I know stuff. Go ahead. What was the question? Paul. I was going to ask, I was going to talk about people in history, but how about like just

we'll go with movies. All right. You saw there will be blood. Yes. Okay. That's based off like the robber barons of the fucking you know, 17, 1800s, the people you got involved in oil rig, the railroad guys, the Rockefellers, the Vanderbilt's, the fucking people who like fucking started it all.

Yeah. Yeah. They came over here. Right. They fucking got it. You know, they just, it was wide open. You could do whatever the fuck you want and they, they did it. All right.

All right. It's funny. I've made fun of you for being stupid. I can't even explain this. These guys, the JP Morgan's and all these types of fucking guys, when you show up with this machine where they can fucking change the past, they can change the fucking future. These sociopaths psychos are not going to let you, Paul Verzi, once they fucking sit down and they talk to you, Paul, and they, they, they see where the fuck you're at.

They will pretend to be friends with you. And when the second you sit down, you're, you're Uzi to have a little bit of mutton with them in their villa, they would cut you ear to ear. No, no, no, no. First of all, I'm too fucking street smart to ever put my Uzi down and let them and start fucking drinking tea and eating crumpets with these fucking. I don't like how you think you're street smart in every fucking era. Like you know what the signs are in 1812.

You think I'm going to leave my fucking Uzi down when nobody's got one? That's gold to those people. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's ends, that's ends problems. I would never do that. So you're going to become friends with these people, always having a gun trained on them. So, so how about this? That's what you're telling me? So how about this?

This is what I could also do. I could get there on my time machine and I could befriend one person and I could let them know that I'm here to help them if they need and tell them what I could do. And then maybe they can say, Hey, listen, when we get into, you know, when the rebels come, I got a guy. You know what? I wasn't even listening. I was thinking about what I was going to do.

All right. Well, what would you do? I would, I would go back to once in 1900. I would go back any, keep in mind anything before eight prior to 1900, I would go back to 1899. Okay. It's because I want the most up to date medical fucking shit available for when I come down with, you know, polio, whatever bullshit that's going to hit me.

I would, I would do is I would try out and make a major league baseball team and I would fucking destroy them with my, with my knowledge of nutrition. My hundred year, 120 years in the future, my knowledge of nutrition. You know what I would do? I would take some PEDs back with me before they even know how to test for it. And I would fucking right up fucking just give Bruce and I would try out for the Boston Red Sox and we would win it for every fucking year right through the 20s. That's a great idea.

That's what I would do. But you'd have to go back with sterile. You'd have to go back. You'd have to convince these people that you're going to inject. I still don't think I could hit a curveball though. Huh? I still don't think I could hit a fucking curveball, but I just think if I went back to the fucking, look, I couldn't make them.

I couldn't make a major league baseball team in the 1900s, but I think I could make one in the 1890s. So just I had me go back. When did it start? 1880. Join the fucking Phillies. I wouldn't want them to win a championship. When did the fucking Red Sox come around?

They were the first six. The Red Sox came around in what? 1890. The 1900s. I'd like to play whenever they, they built Fenway in 1912. I would just like to come up to bat. God damn it. I couldn't do it.

So I'd have to go back. But on my age now, I'd be too fucking old by then. Fuck. Yeah, but you'd still kill it though. All right. This is what I would do. I'd become totally fluid in Latin and I would fucking go back and I'd watch a game at the Roman Coliseum.

That's fuck. I'm telling you. It's all sports related. I would just take my chances with, I would just go with all the heavy artillery. I would be, I would be a defense. I would be, you know, I'm going the Ronald Reagan route. Just spend all the, all the money on defense. I would hope that they would utilize me that way as an asset, military wise, you know.

Dude, you're out of your mind, dude. Why? Like just me going back thinking that I could fucking make a team because I looked at them back in those 1890s like they were like softball teams. They just had ringers there. Those, you know, those guys didn't stretch. Dude, but you know what I'm saying is that back in a while, West days, they fucking went outside and they went back to back and then 10 paces.

I fucking get rid of that, man. I'm talking about, I have everything. I'm an asset. You don't have anything. Paul, what you have is a gun and bullets. You have the best gun with the best bullets, but you're ignoring the fact that entire army is going to go after you. That they're not going to allow, they're not going to allow you.

They wouldn't allow you to take power. By the way, Paul, the way that you seize power is you assimilate and you work your way up through the ranks and then you have a, and you strike when the time is right. That's how you do it. If you try and start your own, you come in there all rogue, like listen, I have better shit than you guys could ever dream of having, but don't worry, I'm your friend. These fucking paranoid assholes, these control freaks, they weren't, you could not live. They would be smearing you in the paper every fucking day talking about, that you were a

bigger threat than the savages that need to be, they would put you above getting rid of Native Americans at that point. You would have to be eliminated, but not before they found out how, took apart the gun to figure out how work, tortured you for all the fucking knowledge that you had and grilled you about that time machine to figure out if you built it or you just fucking used it. So what if I lied to them and I said, I could get more of this, I got a time machine, nobody knows where it is, but I could go back and get more of this. So if they knew that I could, I could, you know what I mean, if I lied to them that way.

That's the best, that's the best move you've sent out of all of this scenario where maybe, you know, you could do a play on their greed and their desire to have more. It's actually a smart fucking move. But if you just think that you're just going to show up with your fucking cigar and your oozy and come walking out on a battlefield, Dude, this sketch, I don't want to do this. And just change the course of history depending on who was nicer to you. What if the Germans were nicer to you in World War II?

I mean, you know, they had nice uniforms, Paul, you're going to side with them? Dude, how funny would it be just watching me go in there with air maxes on, Nike air maxes on a cigar and a sweatshirt? I'm like, listen, sit down. I got a gun that could travel and I just show the guy. I would love to, I would fucking love to see the looks on their faces. And then all of a sudden they rebelled against me. I think if you actually, if you actually went out there and you mowed down the whole other

side with what you had. Yeah. That was my original, that's my thing. I would think that if I was on this, luckily on your side, I would slowly be backing away as you were doing it. And then I would slip into the woods and fucking run away is what I would do. I would get the fuck away from you. Cause I don't, Paul, you understand what the fuck I'm seeing.

Okay. You're going to show up in your space clothes with your fucking ray gun. I mean, that's just like, I'm out of there. Fucking out of there. I'm going to leave. And if you come towards me, I'm going to shoot. I mean, if a fucking alien landed and I had a gun, fuck his ray gun. Fuck all that bullshit.

If it starts coming towards me, I got to shoot at it. If that happened, I'd be living in the biggest house in the 18th. I'd have all the women would be, I would be the fucking Jesus there. They would fucking draw pictures. Dude, you know what it is, Paul? This is your own little narcissistic head trip. And that's the exact thing that would bring you down. You know something?

I think that this is a great answer to your listeners question. First of all, you're acting. You already love about all of this, Paul. You're acting like you know how to make a fucking Uzi. No, I'm saying I would bring one. Time machine. You're going to bring one. You're going to bring it.

And they're going to figure it out because the scientists back then were just as brilliant as the scientists now. They just don't have the information that the ones do today. So they would immediately break down your fucking, what you are, that you're a stand-up comedian. That's what they would do. Well, what are you going to do, Paul? What are you going to do for food?

You're going to Uzi a deer? Okay. And then do you know how to start a fire without some wood? Yeah. Rubberman together. You know how to do that. Yeah. How do you do it?

You know how to start a fire without matches. I've seen it done. I've watched it on the TV. I've seen it on the fucking. I've seen it on YouTube. I did. I fucking see it on YouTube when we ran out of matches at the house one time. I swear to God, I was watching a clip.

Yeah, I've watched it too. Yeah, the guy who sat down and done it. Have you done it? He gets the driest, whatever they call it, the grass or the dry fucking. Paul, I'm going to tell you this right now, if you can make, if you can start a fire. They twist the thing. Right. If you can start a fire tonight, all right, we'll go to the Toronto Central Park.

If you can start a fight, a fight, a fire. I'll give you all the money I'm going to make on this tour with, don't watch the YouTube video again. I want to see you start this fucking fire. I need some wood or something. If you don't, then you have to walk into the fucking, into Lake Ontario with your Jordans on. I'm a little bit dirty and shit.

Well, that's the point. I want you to suffer. No. You're hilarious. You're like, yeah, you did see it. Wow. Blakely's has been chosen as a premier flooring center, a distinction amongst some of the largest flooring manufacturers, selecting the best flooring retailers in North America.

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