Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-29-18

Episode Date: March 30, 2018

Bill rambles about being late to the party, MotoGP and Slayer.

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March 29th. Oh my God, this month is almost over. Did you have a good month? Well, that's good. I just have so much stuff to talk about. I don't even know where to begin. First of all, last night, I watched the first hour and a half of that Zen of Gary Shandling, the Judd Apatow documentary on the great genius Gary Shandling. And I got to tell you, Judd did that guy proud. It's unbelievable. You have to see it. A comedian buddy of mine told me, he goes, dude, have you seen this thing yet? You got to see it. Thank God. He told me about it and I went and I recorded this goddamn thing, you know, and I'm telling you right now, you got to see it. All right. I told you last week you have to watch Barry. If you sat down and you watch Barry starring Bill Hader, Henry Winkler and all those guys, you know, I was right.

Okay. When are you going to learn to trust when I tell you something on HBO is going to be good? Anyways, I was watching that documentary and I guess Gary Shandling just kept diaries his whole life. It was basically his entire life and he was writing all this stuff and overcoming fear and trying to get better as a comedian. And it was like eerie watching like how much I related to it because I never kept a diary. I tried one time. I was just too walled off emotionally. I remember I wrote like one line. My name is Bill. I'm 28. I'm a stand up comedian and that's as far as I got. And then I think I threw that book out. So it's biodegrading somewhere because it's made out of paper. But anyways, I used to always, I would write down on cocktail napkins. I'd write commit to everything, be positive. I actually use that thing, you know, in the Catholic church.

I can't remember the part of the mass where you do the sign of the cross in your forehead, your mouth, and then over your heart, which means, you know, God in your mind, in your mouth and in your heart or something. I used it as like a positive sign rather than, you know, God's only son died on this thing that I'm now fucking drawing on my face. I actually, I use it as like a positive sign, like no negative thoughts. I don't know why I thought I put a positive sign over my mouth so much of the shit I say is fucking curmudgeony at best, but it was just more just committing to everything. And because when I first moved down to New York, it was an intimidating thing. And I get on my heels and then I wouldn't have a set and then I'd have to wait like another five, six days before I got stage time again, just fucking hating myself for going up there and acting like a little girl. Although you're not supposed to say that now, right? That's not progressive. You know, why are you saying that you're acting like a little girl? Okay, okay, I was acting like somebody who's gender neutral.

Why can't you just say that you were scared without insulting the opposite sex? Well, I don't know. I guess, you know, I guess I guess that's something I need to work on there. Are you happy? You know, okay, can you shave your legs now when we can all go home? Oh, fuck. I had fun last night on stage, man. I went up when I was just, I'm sick of a bunch of shit in my act and I was just like, I'm not talking about any of that shit. And I just meandered. Meandered is the key word there, but I had a good time. I apologize to the crowd, but you know what, it was a fucking Wednesday. All right, Wednesday's a work day. But anyways, it's a wonderful week. It's a wonderful week in Los Angeles. Nothing's on fire. No one got me to evidently. They got all the creeps. All right. Oh, I got to promote here. Barstool rough and rowdy. If you've missed the last few podcasts, first of all, it's one of the great pay per views you're ever going to watch.

It's just regular people that enjoy fighting. They want to get on TV and they are willing to fight each other. Okay. It's like, I don't know. I don't even know how to describe it. It's, it's a juggernaut and it's like 15, 16 bucks. And I'm going to be at the next one and I will be ringside announcing even though I bear, I know what a jab is. I know what a hook is. Overhand, right? I know what a straight right is too, because I watched the Ali documentary. I watched that a long time ago, but other than that, I'm just going to be making fun of shit like I always do. And hopefully one of those regular people won't try to beat the crap out of me afterwards. I don't know. I'm so fucking excited for it and that's going to be on April 13th. Okay. You guys, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, you got to fucking see, you got to see this, you know, you don't have to, you know, if you want to miss out and then not know what anybody's talking about come Monday when you're standing around the fucking water cooler. And this is the last promo thing I have to do. We've added some shows if you want an updated list of the shows to see possibly come and see my ignorance live.

Go to billbird.com.events for an updated list of shows. I hate doing promos in the beginning of the podcast because it just kills my fucking flow. You know, now I just feel like I don't, you know, like I'm sitting in a fucking waiting room. I don't feel funny anymore. I don't know who I am. Oh, here's one for you. The theme of this podcast, this half hour is is is late to the party. All right. And which is really a theme to my life. Okay, I was late for everything.

You know, I stayed back in first grade, boom, right there. I was just a year behind my whole fucking life. All right. I wasn't late getting my driver's license. I got that thing immediately the day I was eligible. I did the deal right there. Fred took it on a stick shift to one of the man. That's probably the only manly thing I've ever done in my life. I had no choice.

That's all we had in our, in our family. We always had stick shifts because they were fucking cheaper. Um, also it's more fun. You felt like you were driving the fucking car instead of just getting in some go cart down there. I hate automatic transmission. You know, there's only a few left out there. I think the, uh, the Volkswagen GTI, there's one or two BMWs. There's probably a Porsche.

That's something interesting. There's something that I could look up. How many standards, standard transmission cars left in production? All right. The disappearing stick shift, less than 3% of cars sold in the U S still have a stick shift. All right. 2017 cars that still offer a manual transmission. Let's see what we got here.

What we have is slow internet. By the way, my buddy called me up and I evidently missed this amazing Celtics road trip where they went for no coming in there. The walking wounded. Everybody's out and all the young kids are stepping up and last night they played the Utah Jazz. And I guess, uh, was it Jalen Brown? I'm going to say Jalen Rose hit a three point and a win. I heard Jason Tatum stepped up. Uh, I'm just, I'm missing it.

I'm missing, but I have to miss it. I got the kid. I got the kid. So I, uh, if you guys want to know what's going on with the new episodes of Muppet babies, I'm on, I'm on that. All right. Gonzo, baby Gonzo had some little chicks and in the beginning of the episode. Fawzi, little Fawzi bear is, is doing his bad jokes and he went to open his mouth and it sounded like a fart noise. And somebody goes, Hey, you should say excuse me.

I was like, Holy shit, is this going to be about passing gas and how you handle that in a public forum? Like this is really progressed compared to the shit that I saw as a kid. You know, it was just the alphabet. They didn't deal with bodily functions, but that wasn't the point. Fawzi goes, I didn't make that noise. And they looked up and they saw that there was all these geese were flying south for the fucking winter. So then Gonzo got all fucking afraid that his chickens were going to fly south and selfishly, even though chickens don't fly south south for the winter, they're doing it for survival.

But selfishly Gonzo is so fucking needy. He tries to, you know, keep hiding the chicken so that the mother, it's weird. It's like they're all little fucking puppet animals. And then there's like a real person that kind of takes care of them and bring some lunch and shit. There's like this sort of like, I don't know what's going on there. Some sort of muppet bestiality that this woman had all of these kids. I have no idea, you know, and evidently fucked a frog and a bear and all kinds of shit. But I don't know, one of them is hers, a pig.

So anyways, all fucking episode this goddamn, I don't know what he is. He's like a vulture, maybe, a toucan. I don't know what he is. He's trying to hide these fucking chickens. And in the end, the mom, you know, the puppet groupie there, she comes out and she's just like, listen, you dumb little fuck, chickens do not fly south for the winter. They're going to be in the coop. They're going to be fine.

And then Gonzo is all happy. And what upset me was that the chickens didn't get mad at him. In the end, they should have been like, wait a minute. So like for your own selfish needs, we would have fucking starved to death just because you're so fucking codependent. And then of course, he would try to talk his way out of it being like, well, I mean, it doesn't really make a difference because you don't fly south anyways. But yeah, but you didn't know that, did you Gonzo? You didn't know that. And you were fucking content.

What the fuck were we going to stay outside in the fucking snow? You cunt. You crooked, beat cunt. And then Gonzo be like, I always knew you thought I was less than other people. Right. And then he would make it about his fucking nose. See, that's why you can't. You got to stay on topic because I just fucked up the argument for the chickens.

Don't make fun of his beak. You keep it on, on, on topic, I should say. You keep it on fucking topic about the fact that you're a codependent psycho. And you had information that you knew that as far as you knew was pertinent to my own fucking survival. And you kept that to yourself. Didn't you? You little cunt. So that's the shit that I've been watching.

I know the Bruins, they were doing well. And let's see, what have they been doing? They lost in a shootout to Columbus 5-4. They lost in overtime 2-1 to St. Louis. So there's two points we got. We beat Dallas. There's four points for that week. Four out of a possible six.

I'd say that's a good week. And then this week we beat Minnesota in overtime. That's two points. Then we lost in a shootout to Winnipeg. So we got three out of four points cruising along. Now we got a couple of home games against the Florida teams. The Tampa Bay Lightning. And the new fucking Broad Street, the South Beach Bullies.

And the Florida Panthers with the most fighting fucking mages in the league. I mean, I think they're almost going to have 30 fights this year. I mean, those people are out of control. Those fucking assholes, they all ruined it. They all ruined the goddamn game. Those fucking cunts that watch Olympic hockey. Not even them. I can't even blame them.

They're people that aren't content with being millionaires. They want to be billionaires. And now they have to fucking, let's just level it out. Let's mainstream it up. Let's alienate our core fucking fan base and try to get all these fucking douchebags that watch the Kardashians to fucking watch rivalry, rivalry Wednesdays, which they're not going to do. All right.

And the theme. This is good. Why don't you guys write it and tell me how, you know, let me hear your late to the party stories. I got married late. I had a kid late. I started stand up late. I stayed back in school.

I got laid late. I fucking had to go to summer school. I was just always everybody was always like turning the corner. I was always like, wait up, wait for me. I've become progressive late. My ideas of everything else is like from fucking 20 years ago. So here's another thing that I am. I am 30 fucking years late.

I am so late to the party on this band that they're actually doing their farewell tour and half the people aren't even in the band anymore. Two out of the fifths, two original members. So doing the goddamn comedy jam and all of that and like trying to do, you know, Pantera and learn these double based drum songs. Now I, and then my drum teacher Dave took me to go see Miss Sugar. All of a sudden that whole world opened up to me. So now I'm backtracking to all of this shit that I vaguely remember my younger brothers.

They were into it. So when you got to hear this shit and I was listening to every rose has its own. Just like every night has its dog. Just like every cowboy. You know, you're singing along. Sing this. Say that's a good fucking song. I was listening to that shit.

And when Metallica and all these other bands came out, it was so fucking fast. I just, my ear couldn't catch up with it. And now I'm going back 30 years fucking late. So guess what album I downloaded yesterday Slayer south of heaven. I was watching. I don't know how I just was watching like trying to learn, you know, all this double based shit. I'm just on this YouTube thing. And then eventually if you're going to do that shit, eventually you're going to run into Dave Lombardo and Slayer.

So I was like, I got to fucking see that. I got a lot. I watched this mini documentary. I guess there's a new documentary coming out on them. So I watched this older one from like 2004. And I've always tried to get into the band and it was just always, it just was beyond what my ears understood. So I heard that song south of heaven. And that's it.

I'm done. So I love that album. And I guess that was an album. They made a conscious effort to play a little slower than they did on the previous album. That's the one that has like angel of death. And I listened to that one a little bit. And I was like, the south of heaven, I'm going to fucking, I got it. I can't go from like, you know, listening to poison and Bond Jovi and all the shit that I listened to, to immediately going to that level of speed.

You know, that's like, that's like when a sober person after 20 years decides to start partying again. And they pick up where they left off. You're going to have a fucking heart attack. So I have to kind of ease my way into it. And this fucking album, which I guess, you know, more on fans of musicals, that's not fresh. It's not fast enough. Like saying, like that doesn't even make sense. It's like, is it a good fucking song?

So I have just been listening to south of heaven and whatever the song is after it because they do that thing or just sort of blends into it. And it's fucking hilarious. I'm going to be 50 in June and I'm finally listening to Slayer and I'm driving down the street pulling up to red lights. On and on something happened. I got it. I fucking love it. So late to the party on that one, 30 years late. And I know I'm going to listen to this fucking album a million times and then I'm going to get Angel of Death.

And I remember a long time ago, I had that, I had the Iowa album. What's the name of the band there? Jesus Christ, Joey Jordanson and all those guys. Eight, seven, six, six, five, four. The fuck is in. No, Jesus Christ, don't say that. I almost said, no, they were, they wear the mask. They were the eyes.

What a asshole. You know what I mean? Listen, I know who the big four are. It's anthrax, anthrax, Slayer, mega death and Metallica. I at least know that. Okay, I'm, I'm new to this. Please, please be gentle when you trash me on social media for not knowing. Oh shit, thrash, Iowa masks.

Let's see what this comes up with. Why can't I know the name of the drummer, but not the name of the band? What the fuck does that say about me? Huh? I was speaking to which I did the, I did the goddamn comedy jam. Um, okay. So now they're showing me. Slipknot.

Fuck. That's right. That's right. Okay. It's funny. The first thing that came up, why these 11 bands wear masks? I don't know. Cause they're smart.

They want to have a life after the show is over. That's the best thing ever. Like that bucket head. It's fucking genius. He gets to fucking go around the world and guns and roses and all these awesome bands. And then the second he doesn't feel like being that guy anymore, he just takes the bucket off his head and the mask goes away. You know, probably puts it up in a man bun or something looks is non rock.

God is possible and just fucking walks away. Like what's his face at the end of the usual suspects? You know, straightens out his foot and just walks right through the crowd. No one has any fucking idea. Um, anyway, so I did the goddamn comedy jam. Uh, thanks to everybody. You know, I played the, uh, I played, uh, was it Pantera Cowboys from hell? And, uh, I thought I had it down.

I thought I knew what I was doing. I got out there. My, my Vinnie Paul costume. I actually, I almost said post made it. I fucking, uh, instagrammed it. I grabbed it. YOLO. My young again.

Um, the costume that I wore and, uh, that was probably the best part of the performance was the costumes. Like an asshole, you know, Vinnie's, you know, he's a husky fella, right? So I had like a pillow, a throw pillow underneath this, this fucking shirt. And like a fucking asshole, when I sat down behind the drums, like I, I didn't take it off. I sat there. So it was like I had a kid or something sitting on my lap and the snare was a little lower than I was used to. So I fucking got through the song. I think I fucked up every single fill and I got that.

I already suck at drums. Why would you add to difficulty with a pillow in your fucking chest and this thing off? You know why? Cause it's the comedy jam. There has to be some sort of comedy. So I just, oh, my double bass playing. So the whole fucking thing sucks. So then the closer was, um, was a deaf leopard pour some sugar on me, which was a song that I absolutely fucking hated.

And not necessarily cause it was a bad, it's a pop song for what it is. It's a great fucking song. But here's the reason why I hated it was because in 1988, my buddy got that fucking tape. Okay. And all he did was listen to that fucking song. Like, why don't, can we listen to animal? Can we listen to hysteria? No, no, he just kept fucking.

I remember a time he didn't really know the lyrics, but anytime it would get to pour some sugar on me, he'd be like pumping his fist. Pour some sugar on me. So what's doing the song, right? And thank Christ. We got out of the middle part where there's all that busy bass drum shit. That old shit, right? We got through all of that, that whole breakdown thing. And then we're right in the end and I go to hit the bass drum and no sound comes out of the bass drum.

And I'm like, what the fuck? And I looked down and my bass drum had fallen off right in the middle of the fucking song. So fortunately I had the double pedal. So I just, I just played the left one for the rest of the song. Nobody really noticed until they got to the end of the song and I had to do all my song fillers and I had nothing. Oh, it's Paul Verzi. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the podcast, Mr. Paul Verzi. Paul, can you hear me?

Hey, dude, I'm doing, I'm doing my podcast. Let me call you back. I'll be done in about 15. All right, see you. You know, so that all of that shit happened. So I had such fucking high hopes. I'm like, I'm going to fucking murder this song. And I did in a bad way.

I butchered it. But my stand-up set, the thing that I actually do for a living was actually really fun. And it was fun to go out there. I wasn't really being Vinny Paul. I was just acting. I was just speaking in a Southern accent. And I was talking positively about AR 15s. Which is such a fun thing to do in Hollywood is to dress like a cowboy and then say why

you love AR 15s. I mean, why, why wouldn't, why wouldn't you do that? All right. So anyways, late to the party, got into parent terror. I could have seen them live. My younger brothers were going to go see them. I was like, yeah, you know, I don't know. I think I'm okay.

I think I'm all right. And I didn't go see them. You know, just, I don't know. When the fuck did the 1990 they came out? We're talking, I'm literally 30 years behind the fucking 30 years late, whatever the party was, like the fucking building doesn't even exist anymore. It's how fucking late I am. All right, continuing, continuing with the late to the party fucking theme here.

All right. I finally watched the first MotoGP race in Qatar. Is that how you say it? And I got to tell you something. Okay. For those of you not into it, that is a professional motorcycle racing at its highest level. It's the formula one of motorcycle racing. And I have to tell you something right now.

I don't know why I have to tell you that. I'm going to tell you something. I should just fuck, you know, because I watched Franz McDermott, right? I'm going to say something, right? I'm going to say something. That fucking sport. I'm completely fucking sold on it. I am a big fan of Andre De Vizioso who drives to Ducati and Italian, right?

I just fucking, I like, love the way he rides. I know Mark Marquez is like the fucking Derek Jeter of this sport. So whenever I get into a new sport, you know, it's like Lewis Hamilton. I'm not going to come into, you know, oh, this is my first year watching formula one. My favorite driver is Lewis Hamilton. The guy will fucking always wins. So I can't be a Mark. I like Mark Marquez.

I'm not saying I'm not a fan, but it's just, I can't be like some bandwagon guy. So De Vizioso was a guy I watched last year. I was just like, I like this guy. He's always, you know, he's always up there on, you know, on the podium or whatever. He's coming. I liked him and I liked Johan Zarco. I just liked his bike and he was always up there and he seemed like he didn't have as good a bike as other people. And he was somehow fucking with those guys.

So I watched the first, I watched the first race and I had missed all the qualifying and I see Johan Zarco has pole position. I was like, holy shit. Last year, his whole story was like, this guy is like right there, but shit just kept happening. And he didn't quite get over the hump and here he is the first race of the year. The guys got the pole position. So I watched the race. And by the way, if you think this is a big time commitment, it's like 22, 23 fucking laps. You can watch the whole race in 40 minutes.

There's no pit stops. And by the way, it's people racing on motorcycles going over 200 miles an hour. Now they're going to say kilometers. So it's simple math. Every 80 kilometers is 50 miles an hour. Okay. So a lot of times they go in like, you know, 240 kilometers. That means they're going about 150 miles an hour.

And then on the straightaways, when they go by all the fans to start finish line, they will get up over 300, 320. When they get the 320, they go, they're going 200 fucking miles an hour on a motorcycle. And there's someone right on their ass and they have a big fucking turn that they have to slow down for. And the big fucking move is who has the balls to break last usually comes out of the turn the fastest. However, if you go in, if you break too fucking late, you might go too wide and the guy will cut underneath you. Or you could go flying off your bike and die. All right. Now if that's not enough excitement for you that I don't know, I don't know what to tell you.

So anyway, so I'm watching this race. And Johan Zarco is in the lead for the whole fucking race. And they keep talking about his front tire. Because he's averaging like, I don't know what their his average was like 150 150 kilometers, which would be what Jesus built. That's like a little over 100 miles an hour is what he was averaging. That's, you know, with all the turns slowing down and all of that shit, right? I'm sitting there watching this fucking guy and I'm like, Holy shit, is this guy going to go wire to wire and win it? And they keep talking.

This is something I need people who are into this, this into racing to explain to me. They just kept talking about Johan Zarco's front tire and saying it's eventually it's going to wear down and he's going to have a fucking problem. And before it happened to him had happened to Valentino Rossi and all of a sudden like he was in second place and all of a sudden on one lap he got, he got passed by like two people. But then it's like he made this adjustment, which is why he's evidently one of the greats of all time and he was able to come back and still make the podium and come in third place. But when it happened to Zarco, he just got, he got passed by two people at the same fucking time. He went from first place, the whole race down to not even being on the fucking podium and then he ended up finishing eighth. And why doesn't he have the same fucking tires as the other guys? How come, how come his tires are wearing down faster than other people?

What the fuck does this Zarco guy have to do to get the best shit? Oh, no, I'm probably fucking this up. So anyways, David C. Oso, right? He was like in ninth place starting the race. So I was kind of keeping an eye on him. You know, like what's his face when I was watching the Formula One when Valtteri Bottas started weighing the back because of the gear shift, changing out the gearbox fucking penalty, gear shift penalty, the gearbox penalty. And I just watched him slowly move his way up through the field. And then the last two laps of the race, okay, he's in first place. Mark Marquez is in second place. And last year, this is like the Brady fucking Peyton Manning. This is Stabak versus Stabler, Elway versus Montana. And he's just like, okay, this is Jordan versus Dominic Wilkins dunking content.

One of the great Chamberlain versus Russell, whatever the fuck you want to call it. And these guys were fucking riding like maniacs for the last two laps. Marquez is right on David C. Oso's ass and he just knew it wasn't is he going to pass him. It's when is he going to pass him because he did this all fucking last year. I mean, nuts, which is why I became a David C. Oso fan. You got a roof for the underdog, right? So there's like fucking two or three corners left. And they're like, I don't think Marquez is close enough. And all of a sudden he braked later than David C. Oso and then he was right on his ass in the next fucking corner. He fucking goes underneath David C. Oso and passed him. And I didn't even realize I was that into it.

I was in the living room and I just went like, no, my wife comes running and what's the matter? She thought there was something wrong with that kid. So he does he goes dives underneath David C. Oso at this point, you know, they're going like 90 fucking miles an hour in a turn with their knee like an eighth of an inch off the fucking ground. And he ducks underneath them, but he was going so fast, he went a little wide and then David C. Oso went underneath him. And then it was just a fucking flat out race on a straightaway just pinning it all the way to the fucking finish line. And David C. Oso wins it. It was just and it's everything that's missing in formula one. As far as like, I love formula one. I'm going to continue to watch it, but I just fucking hate where it's just a race to the first corner and whoever's in the first corner is going to be driving in clean air and everything.

Everybody is so equally matched. No one's going to be able to pass them. And then you just have to wait for someone to fuck up in the pits. Like that's the exciting passing. It's just like, can this guy get out of the pits before that second place guy comes around again? I don't know. But if you're if you're missing passing in formula one, I would suggest jumping sports. You can watch them both. I mean, it's not that much. You're committing to 40 races a year on a 365 days. I mean, you can tape them. You can watch them whenever you want to. So I am 100% sold on this fucking sport and I'm actually going to be taking a vacation coming up when I'm celebrating my 50th birthday. And I just realized I'm going to be in the vicinity of that race in Spain.

And I'm trying to talk my wife into going with me. That's my, and I'll just be like, come on, honey, it's my 50th birthday. And she's such a sweetheart. I think she's going to do it. By the way, honorary mention to Cal Crutchlow coming in fourth place and riding a great race and having one of the great fucking names of all time. Cal Crutchlow is such a fucking cool name. It doesn't even sound like if it sounds like an alias, like if I was a cop, I wouldn't believe him. If I caught some underage drinking. All right, give me a name. What's your name? Cal Crutchlow. All right, get up against the wall. You're going downtown. I swear to God, it's my real name.

Anyways, oh, I got to do a little read here. I got to do a little read. I got to do a little read here. And then get off my fucking day because I got another show. I'm coming up where I'm going to be playing drums. I'm going to make sure I tighten down the fucking bass drum beater before I play. I'm doing Dean Del Ray's. It's his, uh, was his 52nd birthday. And I played drums on his 50th birthday. It's great. He has a whole standup show. And then after that, he came out for his 50th birthday with a live band. He sang the entire AC DC highway to hell album. So for his 52nd, he's going to be singing the, uh, the entire, uh, Powerage album.

So I'm playing a couple of songs off of that. So I got to make sure I have that shit down. And I'm also going to make sure that the bass drum beater is fucking tightened down. Um, but whatever. And once again, trying to learn those songs that I've been learning, I can really be able to play him a whole new, I already had a love, uh, Phil Rudd, but Jesus Christ. I mean, he's just, he just, it's perfect. What that guy's plays is perfect. Uh, but there's going to be a bunch of, you know, big musicians there because Dean came up in the, in that world, the music world. So he knows all of these guys. Um, I think there's a flyer somewhere out there. I think I've actually, I believe it's already fucking sold out, but, um, that's my day.

I'm going to go fucking play drums, huh? I don't know why all of you guys don't become comedians. You get to be a fucking kid for the rest of your life. Um, actually, it's not that easy. After 20 years of sitting there going like, did I make the biggest mistake of my life? Then all of a sudden the clouds part, you know, unless you have a look, unless you have a look and then you get scooped up early. Afterward slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop. Surreal is in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Surreal is.com. I chew you up in this picture. All right. Oh, look who's here, but oh, do me on these me on these. I got nothing to fucking say. Do me on these me on these.

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Were they the guys who were like give me an R R O C K and what you got rock and what are we going to do rock you? It was like if cheerleaders made a heavy metal song. That's the spirit. Rebel against your parents. All right. My internet's not working. All right. That is the podcast.

Have a great weekend. You fucking cunts. I'm going to be at the Brady, the Tom Brady dude. He's the best. The Brady theater in Tulsa, Oklahoma with let there be talks. Dean Delray and then we're going down to San Antonio for two shows and like for the life of me couldn't figure out why it was like 500 fucking bucks a night for a hotel. In San Antonio. I'm like, what do they have some new hipster area or something?

Are they making cupcakes and riding bicycles? Why is everything so expensive? Well, it turns out that the night I'm there, so it's the final weekend. So I bet a lot of you are thinking like, oh, Bill came in town to go to those games. I had no idea the games were there and I'm just paying five times what I normally would have paid for a hotel room. You know, I just realized whatever happened to five, four clubs, mother fucker. Did they dump me? You know what?

I am so sick of being. I feel like I'm that podcast that like advertisers go to right before they meet their soulmate podcast. You know what I mean? You know, that checkers always the fucking bridesmaid never a bride. That's what I'm starting to feel. I just don't feel that people understand what the fuck it is. Just because I joke doesn't mean people take it seriously in the goddamn copy and make some listen to it rather than fast forward to it. It's so fucking simple.

Why can't you Madison Avenue cunts figure that out? Or maybe they're going to be advertising my podcast next week. I don't know. I probably should have checked with my producer before I said that. But you know what? All right, that's it. Okay, here's a little bit of music. And then, I don't know, I guess we'll fucking, we'll play into some half hour greatest hits.

You know what? I'm actually, I'm going to tell my guy to fucking put a slayer south of heaven. Ha ha ha ha. Morningers of the heaven. Ba ba doo doo. All right. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you on Monday.

And I will see the future nestle somewhere in time. Unsuspecting victims, no worries, no signs. Just the day the second coming arrives. Before you see the light, you must die. Like a boss. Have you guys seen this YouTube video? My name is John Daker. You got to watch this thing.

I apologize because it's going to be in your fucking head for the rest of time. He's singing, he's singing a moray and he can't remember how to sing. I can't stop watching this guy. This guy, I swear to God. I think it's his first TV gig. Somebody was sick. I think they say at the beginning, so this guy fills in and if you look at him, he's literally having an out of body experience.

So it's so funny to me because I can relate to this person because the first time I did stand up, I felt like I was watching myself. I fucked everything up. And this guy, just the way he says his name, it's almost just, he says like, my name is John Daker. It's like he was out, I think that might be my favorite part of the video is when this fucking guy just, the way he says his own name. He didn't say my name is John Daker.

He goes, my name is John Daker. I didn't write the first time. I just fucked it up. You got to hear this. You got to hear this fucking guy. He says he's singing all these Jesus songs. Hang on, hang on. My name is John Daker.

That's the funniest shit ever. My name is John Daker. It's like he's watching his life. Like he already died. And then he came back and he just got to, like he first time you ever realized my name, my name is John Daker. That's my fucking name. And this is my life.

And I'm on TV and I'm going to sing this song. This is what I did with my life. And you look at the guy, fucking poor bastard. Oh my God. Listen to him sing. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Fucking guy.

Oh, damn it for the grace of God. This fucking guy would be the most interesting interview ever. Just like he's one of the most fascinating people I've ever seen. Like what the, what is going on in between those fucking ears right now? If they could, if you could make a show about his fucking thoughts, you know, all these fucking movies. Oh, it's yeah, you know, they show the movie, but it's done in reverse. And then they try to fucking flip you out. Nothing, nothing pink Floyd could ever fucking right can match what's going on in this guy's head.

Highly recommended. All right. Some more rain. Bells will ring, tingle and ring, tingle and ring. And the bell will ring. More rain. More rain. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 29th, 2010. 72 degrees out here in Los Angeles. How the hell are you? How's it going? I know I've been getting a ton of emails. Dude, it's still not up on iTunes. I don't know what's going on. All right.

All I know is I just keep recording these fucking things, having faith that we'll finally get these fucking things up there. I know we're going to, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say, this is definitely the week everything's going to be up there. But until then, I'm going to whore myself out and tell you that the Monday morning podcast starring me, myself and I is only exclusively on billburr.com. That's the only place you can get it. See what I did? I'm like a drug dealer. I gave you a couple of free samples. Actually, I didn't.

I gave you two and a half fucking years of free samples and then I fucking pulled it. Now you guys are all fiending for it. I'm going to get you to come to my fucking website, right? I'll get a bunch of hits on my website. Then I'll start selling advertising for like tampons or something and I'll make a fortune. Get a midget and a hooker. Hang on. I have to sneeze.

Where's the sun? Where's the sun? Come on. There it is. Nothing. I hate that. It's like fucking blue balls for your nose. I thought I was going to fucking sneeze there.

Nothing. All right. Anyways, it's Monday, March 29th. I have not watched one second of March Madness and as always, it's the best fucking sporting event of the year and I don't know what happened. I was over in Afro and I was over in Europe. So, you know, I wasn't there in the beginning. So I missed the whole thing. I watched Kentucky lose yesterday and I gotta admit, I can't really look at John Calipari the way I used to.

After what's his face, verbally bitch slapped him. That angry white haired guy from Indiana who then went to Texas and now he just talks about games. The fuck's his name? I actually went to a game when I was out there. He was still out there. What the fuck is his name? I keep thinking white. It's his hair.

Jesus Christ. He's one of the great coaches of all time. Come on, Bill. Go on to lamocity.com. Focus. Let it go. Just don't care about it. I don't give a fuck. No, I care.

My brain can tell I care. So it's just hiding it, just mocking me. Come on, work. Bobby Knight. There we go. I didn't think of him throwing the chair. Yeah, he actually called John Calipari out on something kind of decent. He said, you know, every fucking program that this guy has been a part of has had some sort of problem with the NCAA.

And then he jets out of town, you know, continuing to build his resume. And he really trashed him. Now, I'm not saying what he said was right, but Calipari, all he came back with was a respect, Bobby Knight, I think he's a great coach. And he didn't, you didn't address anything, you know, somebody told me I killed a hooker and they were a friend of mine and I respected him. I would address the killing of the hooker at some point and my innocence of it. Before I, you know, after, you know, after I said how much I respected the guy, right?

You know, I went to a game one time out there in Indiana when Bobby Knight was still there and he was, you know, Indiana started to lose. It was the year Michigan State won the championship. I think it was the year 2000, already 10 years ago. And I went to this fucking game and I remember I bought a student ticket and, you know, I showed up at that point. I was well into my 30s and the guy's looking at me like really, you know. What do you want?

The fucking 12 year plan? That's when you got to come with the fucking Luther vibe from 48 hour. I've been busy. Remember that shit? When he pulls up to the toll booth or the parking garage thing and the guy's like, this ticket's like four years old. Yeah, I've been busy. That was a vibe.

And I just gave the guy like, come on, man. Come on. Really? It's me. So he let me in and I went in there and I remember watching Bobby Knight. And it was a fucking great arena. And there he was. The legend, right?

I was up in the nosebleeds, but Indiana started losing and he started, he walked out on the court and was yelling at the point guard, bringing it up to court. Like his, his whole fucking head was just, you know, was just with every fucking mother fucking. Like he's like a, like a rooster with Tourette's, right? Just, just fucking unbelievable. And I remember I got so goddamn mad watching him do that. I was just like, I was, I wanted that kid just to take the ball and just fire it right into his fucking screaming face. But I have a son and he allows himself to get fucking yelled at like that.

You know what I mean? You fucking retard. Control your goddamn emotions. All right. You want to fucking blow up a little bit, blow up. But this guy had completely lost his shit. You know, do you ever see Marvin Hagler when he fought Tommy Hearns? Remember when he was punching him in the head and Tommy's fucking head would go back in his Jerry curl.

All the shit from it would fly out instead. He was doing that with his head to himself, except instead of going back, he was going forward every time he was making a point to this kid. It's like Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beasts. Make me look like a right cunt. You're fucking, you're fucking, he's leading with his head fucking right across right through his fucking, I fucking hate people like that. Remind me of one of my relatives. Well, I just really revisited that anger, didn't I? So anyways, I was actually going to do this podcast last night at 12 midnight now that I've been over to Europe.

And I found out how many people listen to my podcast over there. You know, I'm starting to have a little, you know, responsibility for those people. Like, you know, I now know that England and Ireland are seven hours ahead of me. So if I did it at midnight, Monday nights, if I posted it then, I mean Sunday nights, you know, they're rolling into work a couple hours later. You know, and I know what you're thinking down there in Australia. Oh, what about us? We're fucking 14 hours ahead. Go fuck yourselves.

All right. What the fuck? What do you want me doing on Thursdays every week? You know, why don't you be happy? Why don't you guys just focus on the fact that you guys don't get respect for living on the largest island in the fucking world? You know, Disney should have made a cartoon about you guys, not Madagascar. Huh? What was that about?

I'm so sick of those fucking cartoons about animals that know about global warming and then they teach human beings a lesson. You know, do you realize that like 98% and I just grabbed that stat right out of my ass, reached right in and pulled it out. 98% of fucking animals, including the goddamn insects. Is an insect an animal? I know it ain't human. 98% of those motherfuckers are murderous. Every day, every fucking day when they want to go out and get something to eat, they have to commit a murder. You know, they got to set a trap.

They got to ambush. They never do it fucking face to face. You ever seen a fucking animal? You know, be a gentleman, come up and slap another fucking beast with his glove and say, I challenge you. I challenge you to a meal off. I want to eat you. You know, these pieces of shit fucking animals, what about me? I don't kill anybody.

I go and eat an animal that's already been murdered. I am accomplice to murder. That's what the fuck I am. How did I get on that subject? What was I talking about? I was talking about Bobby Knight. Oh, some of those stupid fucking animal movies that Disney's always making, trying to make me cry. You know, as they have some polar bear sliding on his belly into a coke can.

The same fucking thing that would just be eating me alive. If you had to get mauled by an animal, if you had to get eaten by an animal, which one would you pick? I picked the biggest fucker ever. I want that shit to be over. Because I remember when that gay dude with the evil Knievel onesie, the Jones jet, fucking Leotard. Remember those two guys out there? Royd. Royd.

Sigg free and Roy. Sigg free and Roy. Remember those two twinkle toes out there? Dancing around with all those fucking, you know, whatever they had. They were cats. They were doing cats, the musical for real. What if we use real cats? I think that would be spectacular.

We would just skip around and I'll bleach my hair and then you'd foot shoe polish in yours. It will rub its balls. Actually, that's bullshit because the musical cats came out after fucking those two guys. Gay evil Knievel and gay... What was the other one? What did he look like? Who was the other guy at night at the Roxbury? Not Will Farrell. Jesus, my memory is just shot.

Catan. That's what it looks like. If they ever make the movie of that, I would cast... Chris Catan as the one who gets his neck chomped and then I would have to go with the guy who played Bo Duke. Nah, he's too fucking old at this point. Who's got hair like that? God knows I don't, even if you fucking bleached it. I've got enough left.

Hang on a second. Who the fuck would I pick? Whatever. There's your project for the week. But anyways, my point is when he grabbed the gay Chris Catan dude, it was just over. It wasn't like, oh my god, I'm getting eaten by an island. An island. A fucking lion. Jesus. It wasn't that.

He just grabbed his fucking throat. And that was it. He went chomp and that was it. That was it. It was fucking over. I know Bill. But we saw it on fucking Hollywood. Ain't it a bitch?

Whatever the fuck that. That's stupid E-Hollywood. We have watched those E-Hollywood fucking stories about celebrities and the dish and all this dirt about them. Did you ever notice that none of their close friends are on it? It's because it's all bullshit, you know? They do like the Willie Ames story and they have like his fucking maid talking all sort of shit about them. Does Grant Goody say anything? No.

Does the kid who played Nicholas Bradford? Does he say some shit? No. None of them say anything. It's always like, you know, some fucking PA. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I was talking about animals. Let's rewind this for a second.

Yeah, those stupid fucking, oh, if you're going to get killed by an animal, that's what I'm saying. I want to get fucking killed by something like that. A big cat or a bear, you know? There's something about an alligator, though. I just, I don't like it. I don't like that they're fucking, they're mean about it, you know? They just, they grab your leg and then they do that fucking barrel roll, you know? It's like, can't you just fucking chop my leg off?

Can't you just nice clean ginsu it? And you know, there's a major artery there. I'll fucking bleed out in like five seconds. Do you really got to Joe Thysman me to the 10th power? You guys ever seen that clip, non-sports fans? If you want to see something that'll just make you lose your lunch. For all you broads out there trying to lose some weight, you just had a piece of cake right now. Go on YouTube and look up Joe Thysman Breaks Leg, or Joe Thysman who landed on him.

Lawrence Taylor, remember that shit? It's a two for one break. Compound fracture, I believe, is what it's what it's called. The tibula and the fibula. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Look at me fucking pulling another thing out of my age. All right, so this is the deal. It's Monday morning out here in Los Angeles.

You probably wondering, hey Bill, you know, what is a struggling actor, moderately successful comedian do on a Monday morning? Well, I'll tell you right now, I had a fucking audition. And I prepared my little actor heart out for it. And it was one of the roles I've always wanted to play. All right, there's a few scenes that I want to do as an actor. A lot of actors want to win an Oscar. Of course I do, but who's kidding who, you know?

One of my jeans staple horn. Is that somebody's name? I don't even know what the fuck that is. Triple horn, I don't know what the fuck I'm trying to say here. Look, who's kidding who, I'm going to be 42 years old in June. If I can just stand near somebody who won a fucking Oscar, I'm going to be happy. All right, so anyways, you know what I'm doing? I'm adjusting my dream.

Okay, rather than going on Oprah now and having her ask me how I became so fucking brilliant. Now all I want to do, I want to have that scene, I want to play a snitch. That's what I want to do. And I want to have somebody chase me down a fucking alley. I don't give a fuck if it's the cops or the guys I snitched on. And I want to come to the end of the alley. I want that chain link fence, you know, you grab it. Then you're trying to climb up it and you think you're going to make it.

And then they grab you by your cheap leather coat. They pull you off it and kick the shit out of you. I want that. I want to do the interrogation scene. You know when I'm sitting there, then they're doing the good cop, bad cop. I've already been the cop. I did that on Chappelle show. I want to be the guy getting interrogated.

And then the last thing is I want to get my fucking head blown off in a movie. So today. And I have the perfect head, my big fucking kitchen TV set head. My Sean Penn forehead. I mean this, it's just begging to be fucking blown off in a movie. I'm dying for that scene, right? And I had an audition today to play a guy who gets fucking shot in the head in the end. I was psyched.

I was feeling good. I worked a whole fucking thing out, right? So I go down to the audition and I show up and I'm at the address and I'm looking at somebody's house. I'm like, what the fuck? This is somebody's goddamn house. This doesn't seem right. So I rechecked the address and then I saw a couple of people walking in holding their sides. So I was like, all right, fucking not sides for those of you not in the business.

They didn't walk in with like mashed potatoes and stuffing. It's fucking sides are basically the part of the script, the couple of scenes that they give you. So I go walking in there and I walk in and all I see is two Asian guys in suits. And I'm like, all right, this is weird. Because basically what happens when you audition for a role, they kind of know what they want. Every once in a while they do that, all ethnicities. But basically I walk in there and there's a bunch of howdy-duty looking guys. You know, Donnie Most is in there fucking resenting me, you know, because my red hair hasn't turned yellow yet.

No, it's not all redheads, but you know, it's a bunch of fucking white dudes about my age, you know. And this time I walk in, it's two Asian dudes, one with the shaved head and one with fucking Chaoyang fat hair. And they're both sitting there. I'm like, what the fuck? I must be coming in at the tail end of we're trying to find the Asian dude. And I walk in and I sign in and as right as I sign in to say I'm there, the casting person came. And I was like, oh my God, I tried to call. And I was like, oh fuck, I tried to call, I tried to email you.

Basically they, I don't know, I don't know if they cast it, they gave it to somebody famous or what. But they basically tried to call me to say that they were rewriting the role. I love when somebody says that. I tried to call, really? What happened? I don't know. I dialed it, but I couldn't pick up. I tried.

I couldn't just be honest. It was a late night fucking decision, you know, and I had one of the first guys coming out of the chutes. No big deal. Whatever. I'm already showered looking good today. I still would have been sleeping like a bum. So yeah, my day started a little fucked up. What are you going to do?

Whatever, whatever. I'm 16, 17 minutes into this podcast. I got a little bowl of grapes here and people, let me tell you something. I am severely, severely off the wagon. All right. I stumbled in last night and all I had was two beers. I don't know what the fuck happened. I was like stumbling and I, you know, got out of my car, which I probably shouldn't have been driving.

I had two beers and an hour and a half. So I mean, I think I'm not drunk, right? Your body gets rid of one drink an hour. Isn't that what it is? All I know is I have this fucking little zip up, right? My little fucking, you know, I don't know what it is. It's like a fun, I think it has the English flag on it. It's white.

It's weird. It looks like really American because it's red, white and blue. It's a fucking cool looking zip up. It makes me look maybe two and a half years younger than I am. And I'm vain. So I wear it. So I stumble out of my car and I brush up against the hinge of the garage. And I have, and I was like, oh fuck.

And I look down and I have this grease. At least it was brand new. So it was kind of green looking and I ruined it. And I just sat there and I remembered what this recovered alcoholic told me when I wasn't drinking. I was like, yeah, dude, I'm done with drinking. And he looked at me and he said, yeah, man, he goes, nothing good comes from it. And I was like, once again, this guy's right. When you're younger, good stuff comes from it.

You get laid. You get charged with date rape later. But you know, in the moment, it's good. No, you know what I mean? Loosens people up. You don't know how to talk to a luck. Be a lady tonight. Let me get you drunk and less uptight.

Gonna stick my finger in your fucking hoo-ha, sweetie. Whether you want it or not. No, I'm not advocating rape here. I just felt like singing. So let me have a grape. Maybe that'll take me down here. Oh, God, isn't that delicious? When was the last time you bought some grapes and actually finished them?

You know, I'm actually trying to because when I came back from Europe, I threw out a hellacious amount of food. How much do you think a starving kid weighs? Because when I walked out, I felt like I had like six of them in my garbage bag. That's how much food I threw out. Some of them were jars, you know, wasn't all food. Some of it was the containers, but you know, a lot of it's made out of cardboard at this point. I threw out a lot of food.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. So I'm really, I'm trying. I bought some food this week and I'm trying to eat all of it up. I'm trying to be a less wasteful American. I was speaking to that shit. The fuck did I look up? I was on YouTube the other day and they had these German motherfuckers and they would, they would, they would try and out the new Dodge Challenger,

the fucking XJS, that's a Jaguar, whatever the fuck you call it, the hemi one versus the Shelby Mustang versus the Dodge Viper. And their whole thing was they just kept relating the cars to eating fast food in a big cheeseburger. They were basically saying these are American cars. Americans are fat fucks. And I gotta admit, man, we earned it. We did earn it, but you know, we don't do, we don't test out a Porsche and Audi and a BMW with some sort of Nazi theme underneath it.

You know, I'm fucking really getting tired of this, man. Everybody's taking shots at the good old USA. So you know what you got to do? I got a new segment called Let's Get Smart America. I wish I had some sort of production on this where I could just have a fucking silly ass song. What are you going to do this week as a fucking American to make yourself a little less fat, a little less dumb, and a little less something else because the magic number's three? Say I'm too fucking stupid to come up with three examples.

What are you going to do? I got to tell you, these motherfuckers over in England, man, are not in good shape. And they weren't in good shape and fucking in Scotland either. Ireland, they were all right. You know, it's like they're not fat, but they just like, they look like out of shape seventh graders. Like there's not a lot of weightlifting over there. Like I just saw arms, you know, like straight arms like Dilbert. I'm not saying they're all like that.

So fucking don't get your blood up over there. Right. You know what I'm saying? Put it this way, my girlfriend saw somebody over and we were in Scotland and she saw somebody and this kid looked like he was in his early twenties, his face, but his body was just, she just looked at me and she just goes, his body is unacceptable. And it wasn't even that he was fucking ridiculously out of shape. It's just that not only those fucking guys over there, mushy, they wear the tightest fucking shirts ever. I'm not saying I'm in shape.

I got a nice little fucking pooch going right now that I need to try to work down. But I have the decency, the common fucking decency for my fellow man to wear a button down. You know, give yourself a little space. Let it hang off your mantits a little bit so we don't have to see, you know, these fucking guys over in Europe. It's like they wanted you to know exactly how many pounds overweight they were. It was disgusting, you know. I'd appreciate a little courtesy out of my fellow man. That's all I'm saying.

Okay, you got to be honest with yourself. All right. What kind of shape? Am I in wife beater shape? Am I in t-shirt shape? Am I in fucking button down shape? Do I need to put on a hoodie? You know, sport coat shape.

Remember that shit? I used to have a regular job. Why am I walking around? I think I'm excited. This is one of the exciting moments of the podcast for me. Look at me pacing back and forth as if I'm fucking coming up with some brilliant shit here. I remember when I had a regular job, used to work in a warehouse unloading trucks, you know. It's not curing cancer, but it's served a purpose.

And I remember once a year they would have the company cook out. And all these fucking suits that you thought were in shape, dude, they would show up with their fucking t-shirts on. Wow. Wow. You know, I'm talking like a fucking big slice of cake just hanging off each side of them. I remember it made me feel good too, because they were making more money than me. You know, you know when you do that, you just fucking good. You're winning in that category, so I'm glad that you're losing in this one.

Did that go anywhere? Have another grape. God damn it, these things are tart. So, here we go. I'm trying to become a better speller, everybody. And I'm sick of being a fucking moron in that category. So I figured I'd give you a spelling test this week. All right, you don't have to play along.

You know, what am I going to do? I'm going to keep fucking rambling for another 40 minutes. You can tell at this point I don't have shit to talk about this week. I just emptied my brain on Thursday. It takes a week for it to fill up. It's like I just jerked off and you want another load. I don't have one in me. Got a fucking empty chamber this week.

All right, you guys sitting at your desk? This would be even better. You know what's great about this? If I actually add this to the podcast, where I teach it fucking 10 words every week. Okay? If we all learn them together, this is the great thing. Because if you're listening to me at work, you shouldn't be doing that. You know it, and I know it.

Look down in shame right now at your desk. No, don't fuck that. You shouldn't have any shame. Did you dream about your job? Then there's no fucking shame fucking off. The great part about this part of the podcast is you're actually going to start writing. And people are going to be thinking, oh wow, okay. Sandy's over there taking notes on something important.

You know who fucks off and writes at the same time. All right, so here we go. Here's 10 words that I think. I don't think anything about them. These are just words I fucking found that I couldn't spell. Catalyst is the first word. Why don't I just yell that into the mic? Catalyst is your first word.

All right. Let's see how fucking dumb you are. We need to gauge how fucking stupid you are to have a jumping off point. All right. Catalyst is your first word. Can you use it in a sentence? I don't think I can. This spelling test was the catalyst to expose how fucking stupid I am.

Catalyst. Here's a fucked up one. We all eat them. Cantaloupe. Hey, would you look at that fucking cantaloupe? You know, I just realized I could never do this. I could never be a teacher. Chloroform.

Hey, you know what? If you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to take a chloroform rag and put it over your face there. Chloroform. God, this is like designed to make you smarter and it's really exposing how dumb I am. Here's a tough one. Penitentiary. Don't go to the penitentiary.

You might get fucked in the ass. Penitentiary. You know, I love about this podcast is even though I have no idea whether this is, you know, there's no way to hear feedback or anything. I know this is bombing and I don't give a shit. You know what? I don't even know how many I've done. I'm going to fucking do all 10.

One, two, three. I did three. Three C words and I'm not, I would say cunt, but it's too easy. Let's go with another one. What was another one? Aesthetics. There's a great one. There's a great one.

Aesthetics. Use it in a sentence, Bill. Come on, you dummy. Jesus Christ. Look at these aesthetics. You know what's funny? I know how to spell all these words now, but I can't use them in a sentence. Just really a fucking moron.

All right. Let's go. Infrastructure. You know, I'm sick of this infrastructure. It's really unnecessary. Infrastructure. No, I can use that in a sentence. The infrastructure of the company was exquisite.

Jesus Christ. Geez. Oh, geez. What else we got? How many words is that? One, two, three. That's four. There's a tough one, succinct.

I think I did that last week. Succinct. What somebody who stutters brushes his teeth in. A succinct. Can I just do five? Can I bail on this? Are you guys enjoying how fucking horrific this is? Pertinent.

What is that? Six. I'm going to say that's six. Pertinent. You know what? Pertinent information. That's the only time anybody ever uses that word is when they're describing information. If I had access to the pertinent information, I wouldn't have to deal with this infrastructure

at this cantaloupe colored company. Pertinent. Fuck you. You don't even know how to spell it. You can't spell it. You can't fucking be laughing at me right now. All right. These ones all, all the ones that have psycho at the beginning of them.

Here's one. Negotiate. You know, you guys want more money in your cubicles? You're going to have to negotiate. Oh, negotiate. Negotiate. Oh, negotiate. Was that eight?

I'm even getting bored with this. This is a hell of a dilemma. Huh? Go ahead. Spell that one. Dilemma. I didn't realize this was going to bomb and now I'm in a fucking dilemma. Dilemma.

And what's the last one here? Silhouette. Yay. When I see your silhouette up against the moon, it makes me want to fucking bang. Silhouette. All right. There you go. There's your spelling test for the week.

Do you have any desire to get better at this shit? Am I super imposing? That's what I do. I can spell all those fucking words. Huh? Are you impressed? You shouldn't be. Here's another new segment.

Bills and Barrissing Moments from the previous week's podcast. This is actually from two weeks ago. I actually re-listened to these when I upload them. It takes a moment for me to upload all of these fucking things that no one can hear unless you go to billbird.com. And I listen to them and I hear all the dumb shit that I say and the stuff that I mispronounce. Like I was trying to say exclamation point a couple of weeks ago. Exclamation point as an exclaim. And I actually said explanation point.

Like it was explaining it to me in a very excited way. Jesus Christ. This is fucking awful. You know what this is like? This is like your second day back at the gym. That's what this podcast feels like. You know, the first day you're like, fuck this. You know, when you go nuts and then the next day you wake up and you're all sore.

And then you just fucking drag an ass. That's what this podcast is just dragging fucking dragging my freckled ass. I don't have a freckled ass, by the way. That would mean that I sunbathe in the nude. All right. Last week I was talking about how avocados that whole bullshit were there. They're too. Oh wait, that's for the wrong part of the podcast.

Where the fuck is that information? Oh Jesus Christ, Bill, you know, why, why do you even try? Oh, I fucked up. I can just tell you the gist of it. The reason why avocados cost more when you go to get a burrito was evidently there was some damage done to the crop a couple of years ago or some bullshit. So there was a shortage of them. Thus, they were more expensive.

And as always, the corporate cunts pass the expense on to the regular people. And this is what happens. Then they had more fucking avocados, so it wasn't a fucking problem anymore. But they were like, well, wait a minute, people are already paying more for avocados and they never fucking complained. So they just kept them at the same price. So now you pay extra. Which means, means, when it's time to change, what it means is that they're going to fucking,

they're going to do that with every kind of food now. Because we're not bitching about bacon. I got a breakfast sandwich and they said bacon was extra. So you know what? That's my little rebellion. Fuck you. All right. I'm not paying extra for my avocados, for my guacamole, your fucking cunts, your fucking

corporate cunts. How big does your goddamn yacht got to be? All right, let me, let me, I'm going to wrap this up. You guys are getting a mini podcast this week. I'm not going to sit here and be treated this way on my podcast. I'm going to sit here fucking bombing like this. I got a reputation. I think I was saying, I didn't understand the difference between Great Britain, the

United Kingdom, is England a country? Is England in Scotland two separate countries? Are they the same fucking thing? It was all confusing. So this guy says, Hey Bill, I'm from England. So I'll answer your question, mate. England is a country. Because you said on your podcast, England wasn't a country.

But is it? You meant to write, but it is. What are you, if you're questioning yourself, sir, what the fuck am I supposed to do? It is a country. Wales is a country. I didn't know that. I thought maybe Scotland was a country, but I didn't think Wales was a country. Ireland is a bit different because it's split into two countries to spell to.

There's one of your smart fucking Europeans there, everybody. See that if we learn how to spell America, we can start making fun of them again. At least we can have a basis to make fun of them. Anyways, continuing. Ireland is a bit different because it's split into two countries. Northern Ireland, the capital is Belfast and the Republic of Ireland. Capital is Dublin, both completely separate countries. Countries spelt country, apostrophe S.

See this? That's all they do over there. They watch fucking soccer and eat fish and chips. They don't know how to fucking spell either. United Kingdom, and this is what the United Kingdom is. It's England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Great Britain is England, Scotland and Wales. Reason being is Ireland is an island.

Hence why Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland are just known as Ireland. That doesn't make any sense. England is an Ireland. Or whatever. The United Kingdom is an island. I don't understand that. How come fucking Australia is not considered an island? Surrounded on all sides by water?

What the fuck? South America is an island at this point with the Panama Canal, isn't it? And why doesn't it float away? Anyways, this podcast sucks. I'm sorry. What the fuck do you want from me? Alright, I'm fucking Neil O'Donnell this week. I got nothing for you.

I started doing this spelling test and all these fucking nerds came out of the goddamn woodwork. This guy goes, Bill, here's an interesting piece of trivia. Physicius is the only word in the English language that has every vowel in order. A-E-I-O-U, isn't that interesting? Is that what I did with the spelling test? Maybe this is why I never learned how to fucking spell, because that's the kind of people that you attract. Here's an interesting tidbit of information.

Do you know that on the fucking, they start talking about some moon off of Saturn? That instead of fucking air, their atmosphere is methane gas? And I got to sit there and nod like, wow. And he's sitting there thinking I'm nodding because I'm so fucking interested. And I'm really trying to do the math in my head, trying to figure out when was the last fucking time this guy got laid. There's another great stereotype. If you're some fucking smart nerd, that means you don't get laid in life.

That's bullshit. It's only in fucking high school. You know? I don't know, is it? I don't even know if it's fucking true. I just figured, you know, when you get smart, if you're really smart and you're good at business and that type of shit, you go out and make money. And the second you make money, what's gonna happen? A bunch of fucking cunts are gonna come out of the woodwork who wouldn't have fucked you back in a day

because you couldn't throw a ball through a fucking hoop, you know? That's what their twats wanted to vacuum up when they were in high school. And now all of a sudden, look at you, you invented a fucking hula hoop, whatever the hell you did. And now they wanna bang you. Right? Isn't that how it works? Anything. I am flailing. I'm walking around.

Why do I feel like I have to make it 50 minutes? Bill, if you don't have anything to say, fucking bail. Let me hike this. TheMMpodcast.com is the official fan page. The only one that I sponsor. www.theMMpodcast.com. It's the only one that I... Well, who's kidding who? It's the only fucking one there is,

but it's the only one that I sponsor. I'm trying to make it sound more official. But anyways, is that the podcast for this week? I'm literally laying on my back right now, just staring at the ceiling, wondering where it all went wrong. Do I have anything left to talk about? Oh, I got something for you. Somebody sent me an email. Let me just reach for this fucking straw at this point.

Somebody sent me an email and it said, overrated in the subject line. And then I opened it and it said, the Beatles. And then underneath that, he wrote, yeah, I said it. Let me tell you something right now. How much I fucking hate people who go,

yeah, I said it, you know, like they're shocking you, like they're going after some sort of fucking taboo. If you're ever in a comedy club, and there's a committee on stage, and they're allowed one, yeah, I said it. If they do any more than that, you have my blessing to start throwing shit at them.

I hate that, that fucking false, dangerous fucking horseshit. Fucking bitches need to get a job. What? I said it. I said it. You guys can't handle the truth. And they keep fucking going. Yeah, I said it. What? I said it.

But it's like, dude, nobody in the crowd is going, who said that? Did you say that? Yeah, I said it. You know what I mean? Like they're being let out and fucking, let out and fucking handcuffs. When will people realize that nothing is shocking? You know, look at the fucking Catholic church.

Look what the fuck they're doing. You know what is more shocking than the fact that they fucking look the other way, because I understand why they look the other way, because there's so much fucking money involved. And you know, to get to the top of any sort of pyramid, you have to be an ass, kiss, and cunt. That's basically what it is, unless you created it.

Unless you created whatever pyramid there is. And at that point, you want your ass kissed. So whatever, there's money involved. They don't give a shit. You know what's the most shocking thing about all that? Is that people continue to go to the Catholic church. Can anybody out there explain to me how they separate that? How do you separate that?

How do you still go to the Catholic church knowing that they had 16,000 cases? Those are just the ones that came forward. 16 fucking thousand. That's the population of a small town. 16,000 fucking rapes of children. And you still go, and you give them fucking money. What do you think they're going to use that money for?

Lawyers to get these fucking guys off. You know? I don't know. Why don't... Ah, Jesus Christ. Why, why, Bill? Why do you go down that fucking road? All right, you know what?

I'm really off my fucking game, okay? Peyton Manning threw an interception, the final fucking drive of the Super Bowl. This is my fucking Peyton Manning Super Bowl game right here, because this podcast was a disjointed cluster fuck. And I really have nothing. And I really think I was going to come here, and I had a little information about avocados

and what is the United Kingdom. And I was somehow going to be able to fucking talk for 50 minutes. Do you realize, like, when you guys... All you have to understand is the level of fucking ego that it takes, that I can look at three different things and think that I can run my fucking mouth for 50 minutes. It's not... This isn't even the podcast anymore.

This is my confession scene that I didn't get to do, because they're retooling it, all right? You broke me down. It's fucking over. You got me. I have nothing left. I bought the box out of the wire. I'm just looking around my room,

trying to come up with something. My voice gets weaker. And I watched the first fucking season, and that's a fucking great TV show, but I'm not going to be one of those guys who goes, it's the greatest TV show ever. It's fucking good. It's a really good show.

I like it. I like it a lot. Did I give a spelling test? Did I really do that? Did I give a spelling test on the fucking podcast? All right, you know what? I'm going to bow out gracefully right now, okay? If you want...

I added a date. Here we go. Let me actually use this podcast for what I really want to use it for. My ulterior motive here is to heighten my goddamn dates. I got some new dates out there, everybody. Let's go to the official website of Bill Burr.

He's doing officially one of the worst podcasts ever. This week in Los Angeles, April 3rd at the Gibson Ampe Theater, I'm doing the Kevin and Bean Cancer Show. Show for cancer. Hey, let's get rid of the cancer, everybody. I believe that's the name of it. It's a fucking benefit for cancer.

I'm going to be at the punchline in Atlanta, April 8th, 9th, and 10th, and I'm hanging around the 11th. I have tickets for the finals, not the finals. The final day of the Masters. Me and another buddy of mine are going down there because we knew Tiger Woods was going to play.

We fucking knew it, okay? Who's kidding who? You know, he's sick of banging that broad. That's why he fucked around on her. It was her fault. She stopped blowing him. You know, she wasn't washing the dishes. She didn't make sandwiches for him anymore.

She started taking Tiger for granted. And Tiger was sitting there on his billion-dollar lazy board. He's like, this bitch taking Tiger Woods, the greatest fucking golfer of all time. Actually, he isn't. Jack Nicklaus is. But she's taken me for granted.

Fuck this. I'm going to go fuck a whore. That's the one thing that I hated about that story is how they just never blamed her for his fucking around because it was clearly her fault. And if you're wondering why I'm coming up with that, I'm just using, you know,

I'm saying it because of my respect for females. You know? Because I respect you guys so much that I'm actually using your train of thought when you look at, when you see a woman get caught cheating and you always blame the guy. Well, it's probably because he wasn't paying attention to her.

It's probably because he was doing this. It's probably because he was doing that with his shoes on the other foot. You know? They never say it's because she wanted to go out and get some dick. No! It's never because of that.

It's because of something the guy was doing. He left his shoes in the fucking kitchen after she'd fucking mop the floor. So therefore, she had to go to the fucking Luxor and collapse on somebody else's cock. Right? It's her fault. You know?

Where the fuck does she get off getting mad at fucking Tiger Woods? Do you even have a fucking job, woman? What is your job? To go around, go fucking tanning? What do you gotta do? I love these fucking twats who are married to some unbelievably rich person.

Okay? They have kids with them and they don't have a fucking job and they still get help. Still gotta have some fucking, you know, nanny. It's like, do you want to fucking do anything? I'm telling you, that's the guy's fault. If you marry a fucking woman

who you're making so much goddamn money, that they don't even have a fucking job and they still need help, you need help with doing nothing? I'm raising kids and I don't know what to do. My mother did that and had a job, you lazy twat. Get off the goddamn sofa. That's what I would do.

I'd take her right across my knee and pull off her fucking Gucci flip-flop and I'd fucking paddle her right butt cheek until she admitted how fucking wrong she was. What do you think about that? Maybe that's why I'm not a billionaire. You know? Because that's how I do it.

Some paparazzi would take a picture of it. I do that. I paddle her a little fucking right fanny as I ate grapes. And then when they question me, I just, we fuck you. The best goddamn golfer in the world. Thanks to me, your Sundays aren't boring. Come here, come over here.

I'll fucking sign your camera for you. All right? Take the film out. There's no film anymore. It's fucking digital, right? I don't know. I want somebody to embrace being a piece of shit. That's what I want.

That's what I got to say there. Tiger Woods' wife is a lazy fucking twat. All right? And that's why he cheated on her. And I'm going to tell you this right now. The reason why he's playing the Masters is because they need the money. All right?

This guy hasn't worked since November. And I know what you're thinking. Oh, God, he's a fucking billionaire. Yeah, and he's living the lifestyle of a billionaire. Do you think he wants to? Of course he doesn't. He's got to keep that fucking whore happy. You know?

Who do you think paid for all the fucking windows she smashed with that golf club? Right? I like how he denied that. Should have not attacked me with a golf club. Really? Your windows exploded and then you drove into a tree? Were you fucking on mushrooms?

Did you think you could drive into that little knot in the center of the trunk, Tiger? Me a fucking break. What are you sticking up for? You know why? Because he married her. The fucking idiot. Now he's got this contract.

He can't get out. He's looking to lose all the... Ah, you fucking idiot. I hope she listens to this. I don't even know her goddamn name. You know why I don't know your name, sweetheart? You never did anything with your life. You know?

When was the last time you even fucking... You ever even win a swim meet? What about the preschool level? When kids are just happy they can even fucking stand up. Did you even win a ribbon? What have you ever done? Besides, suck the dick. Suck the dick of the greatest golfer

in those 50 fucking years other than Jack Nicholas. You know? That's your big accomplishment in life? Oh, you're hurt? Let me ask the fellas a question. Let me ask you this. What if you were shacking up with fucking Oprah? Like, Stedman.

Do you think he gives a fuck if she fucks around on him? Gonna chase him down the street with a ladle? Or some other fucking utensil? Because you know Oprah be eatin', right? You think he flipped... I wouldn't give a shit. Go and fuck whoever you want, Oprah. I don't give a shit.

Can I have another car? That'd be awesome. What are you doing today? Nothing. Doing nothing. Playing fucking Xbox. That bitch is doing what everybody wants to do. Absolutely fucking nothing.

What do we work? We work so we can have one zillionth of what that bitch has. She has the nerve to get mad at this guy because he's out there banging some fucking skanks because he's tired of her fucking lazy ass. The fuck is wrong with people? Why don't... What?

I said it! I'm saying, yeah, she's fucking lazy. Anytime you see a guy fucking around on his woman, they're telling you. Part of it is because he's a dog. The other part is because these women are so fucking... They're just lazy. It's like they're not even human.

They're just slothful. You know? They just sit around. They're just fucking laying around. Get off your asses, all of ya. You want us to stop fucking around? You get off your fucking lazy asses. How about that?

Alright, that's 49 minutes. There we go. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, all the fucking women out there. Somebody had to go down. Somebody had to get hurt, you know? I had nothing. I was flailing.

I was on the fucking ropes. What'd you want from me? Alright, 49 minutes and 31 seconds. I have another fucking... Oh wait, I didn't finish hyping my gigs. Let me finish hyping my gigs. I just added a date. I'm going to be in Cincinnati,

via Newport, Kentucky. I'm going to be at the funny bone. Alright, so why don't you all, you fucking rednecks, get her done and come down to the fucking club. Alright, now I know I'm not going to be standing there in overalls with a fucking piece of wheat hanging out of my teeth going, you're trying to shoot a fucking pig

and your gun changing. That's crazy. That's crazy. I know I'm not going to be doing that. Why don't you broaden your fucking horizons? Alright, goddamn pig fuckers. When are you guys going to come into the 21st century? Where am I going to be after?

Oh, I'm going to be at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston. Oh, he's got to be at the fucking Wilbur. We actually added a date on May 6th, and for some reason it's not up on my site, May 6th to May 7th. May 8th, I'm going to be at the Taj Mahal in beautiful downtown Atlantic City. And when I think of Glamour, I think of Jersey.

I'm going to shit on every fucking place that I'm playing. All you Jersey sure scumbags going to come down there with your fucking track suits. Oh, looking like some greased up fucking six million dollar man. You're not impressing me. Chicks with your big fucking Olympic sized Jody Watley hoop earrings. I know that's not real gold. Just like your tan, it's fucking fake.

Come on down! What else do I got? Oh, I got a gig in Los Angeles at the Hollywood Improv. Alright. What the hell do I shit on this? I live here. Come on, you phony fuck adds all been done. How about some fucking Mexicans show up?

Jesus Christ, 80% of the population, you figure you could send a fucking crew to come down there and represent your people, starting to think you guys don't like me. What did I ever say bad about Mexico? Nothing. And you know why? It's because I haven't read about it yet. And that's it.

Then I'll be at Carolines in June. Maybe in Montreal, Canada. You know, I love that. That's like the minor league for Paris. That's what that shit is, you know. All those silly little French guys going up there acting like they don't speak English. You know, with their pointy noses. You know, they all got that Wayne Gretzky face

and their little feathered mullets like Ron Dugay. You know, I'm going to be coming up there. What sucks is every time I do Montreal, it's never during hockey season. So I haven't been to their new, their new place sucks anyways. I actually went to the old forum in March of 89. You can fucking look this up too, because I remember they played the Minnesota North Stars.

I was at that game. And I had a good time. And that's the podcast for this week, everybody. Did you see that? We had a spelling test. I talked about avocados, and I went off on the broads for like 10 minutes. That's the podcast for this fucking week.

I'm really hoping that we get everything ironed out. I'm sick of saying this. I don't know what the fucking problem is. All right, but I'm the talent. All right? I'm not on the computer side. Okay, that's not up to me. I don't call the place.

All right? I got a headset on. I just fucking execute them. All right? I'm responsible for on-field shit, not this behind-the-scenes stuff. So send all your complaints to Bill Burr's Web Guide at www.billburrswebguide.com

backslash what the fuck. All capitals. All right, cunts. I'll talk to you next week. Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help. Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person

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