Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-29-24

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

Bill rambles about back alley weed gummies, the Patrice O'Neal Benefit, and the Von Erich brothers. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (29:57) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 3-28-16 Bill rambles about scooters, skateboards, and STDs. Thursday Afternoon Interlude - GZA - Liquid Swords Policy Genius:  Head to policygenius.com/BILLBURR or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. You like that? That was a song under for one of the shittiest songs ever yet to be written. I am back in Los Angeles. I'm back in Los Angeles. You know what Los Angeles is known for? New Yorkers coming here and ordering bacon, egg, and cheese. Hey, let me get a fucking bacon, egg, and cheese. Yeah, we don't make that out here.

What the fuck? That's a New Yorker's entire experience. I went out to LA. It wasn't New York, what the fuck? Morons. And I love New York, I'm not saying I don't. You know, I did a lot of shit. I did a lot of shit when I was in New York. I went to a museum, right? I fucking walked along the watch tower,

whatever they call it, the L. I told you guys about that part already. I think I already told you about the museum too. Did I tell you about that? I don't fucking remember, I can't remember. Anyway, had a good time doing that shit. Oh, Frecklesaw, I saw a play the other day. I mean, who am I?

You know, I'm just a bald ginger, just walking around, not smoking cigars, not eating sugar, laying off the bread, dressed in muted colors, all the life draining out of my face. No, I actually did really good with not eating bad shit. And then I took one chance on this pizza place that I thought had closed down during COVID that was delicious. And then it reopened and it wasn't as good. There's nothing worse than eating bad and it's not fucking good, you know

So anyway and then like New York right now, I'm telling you dude, it's like all fucking There's so many goddamn weed stores and most of them aren't legal so if you walk in and they don't ask for your ID That's usually that's not a good fucking thing. So I walked in, right, I couldn't get to sleep one night. I was like, you know, and I don't smoke anymore. So I just say, fuck it, let me just, you know, walk around the corner, you know, out the hotel, try to find someplace and get some gummies. And I show up, I should have known. I walked in, there's one guy in there. It was really sparsely furnished, kind of like back in the day, you know, when they would be selling drugs out of the bodega, you'd come in, there

would be like two boxes of cereal and a fucking cat on the shelf, and you're like, all right. And if you actually wanted to buy some food, they're looking at you, especially when you look like a fucking retired police chief like me, they would just be looking at you like, is this guy a cop? The feds coming in. I walk in, right, and I couldn't understand the guy's accent, especially when he was saying like how many milligrams it was, which is the critical information. So the first one he goes like, all right, you just got some gummies, you know.

He goes, I have these, I gave my friend. I have the thousand milligram. I'm like, thousand milligram? He's like, thousand milligram? I'm like, per gummy? He's like, yes. I'm like, what are you, are you trying to fucking kill somebody? I still don't know if it meant there was a thousand

in the bag. You know, I don't know, I don't know. I have no fucking idea, right? So then, then he goes, he says 500, then it's 100, then it's like 50. And I'm like, all right, we're down to Joey Diaz now. I mean, I can kind of fuck with this, right? I'm like, but I can't do that. I can't do a 50. And then finally he finds his fucking bag and it's like, go ahead, five

milligrams, your face, you're my friend, five milligrams. I go, five milligrams, five milligrams, five five million five milligrams, right? I'm alright That's how it is right so I fucking I whatever I gave gave him the money for it and I go back to My hotel and I'm like, alright This fucking guy was talking 1000, he was talking 500, there's no fucking way I'm eating more than one of these things. I'm going to eat one and see what the hell happens.

So I eat the thing and it literally tasted like nuclear waste with like candy. And I was like, oh my God, I barely tasted any sort of weed or anything. So I ate this fucking thing. And I'm on the phone with my buddy, and he's like laughing. Because like 20 minutes later, I'm like, oh shit. And he's like, what? I go, I can't feel my fucking nose, man. It's like it's getting all tingly and stuff.

I go, I got a feeling this wasn't just five milligrams. So he's like laughing. And it was weird. So he's like laughing. And it was weird. It came on like that. I felt it like in part of my forehead and then my nose, like here comes like, you know, north of 20 milligrams, right, which I never do stuff like, I'm five, 10, usually just five and I don't do it that often.

And I was going, oh boy, here we go. Last time I did something like this, it was when I went to the masters in like 2022. I wasn't thinking, and I just ate like a handful of them. And I like wanted to, I was sitting there as Bartnik was telling stories, I was sitting on this fucking stool in this kitchen in the house we'd rented. And I wanted to get up and go to bed for about two hours and I

was just like, I just didn't know how to do it. So I was just sitting there trying to ride it out and I thought it was going to be that and I felt it in my forehead and then in my nose and then it went away and I was like, oh, okay. So that was sort of the warning the first wave hitting the beach What's the next wave gonna be like and it never came and I was like, oh you fucking assholes All right lesson learned. I'd have to eat the whole fuck. What is it? The whole bag is five milligrams you asshole So I just threw the shit out

So that's what I've learned but I don't like those places. Like you got to go in and they asked for your ID and stuff. It's like, okay, and then they like scan it and start writing shit down. It's like I'm not fucking taking my license, writing it down to the fuck of you. This isn't even legal on a federal level. I'm gonna trust you. You're like half a drug dealer. I'm not giving you my fucking ID. Well, you can't come in the store. All right fine Whatever. I'll just go home and I'll read half a page of a book and I'll fall asleep probably faster than this shit, right?

and then today when I was at the At the TSA I got the clear thing right Scan my fucking retinas so they can make a robot out of me and then they go well We need your phone number. I'm not giving you my phone number. I gave my retina. What the fuck else do I got to do here? Right? And they're going, you know, it's a one-time thing. I'm like, well, obviously it's a one-time thing. You enter it in the computer, then you have it. You're going to fucking put it out there. And they're like, no, no, no, we're not going to do that. I'm like, you're

not going to do that. But these guys, these guys are. And they go, well, sir, if you're not going to do it, you got to go on the TSA line. And I go, fine. And guess what? I go on the TSA line and it was just as fast because most people have done the other thing. So I don't know. It's really like,

you know, it goes back, I'm right around Ronald Reagan. They started deregulating shit and they and they and they sold Regular people on you don't want to you know what the government all up in your life You don't want them all up in your life telling you what to do and that's that's how they sold it what they really wanted To be like is we don't want these guys Regulating you so we can fuck you in the ass as hard as we can and that's what they've been Doing and now here. We are you have all these homeless encampments every fucking

You know city you go to it. What do they do? They always blame the standing president. It's not the standing president's fault. It's Politicians over the last 40 years getting paid off to deregulate fucking everything I just found out the other day if you and I are standing on a street corner Okay, we both call an uber the same kind of uber and we're going to the same place. It's a different price Considering what you're used to paying So it's basically all right if we can fuck this guy here for another seven dollars We're gonna do it used to not be able to do that And watching these corporations just buying up every other corporations and becoming like monopolies

You used to not be able to do that and now you can't but you know, you don't want government all up in your life You know telling you what to do like they were gonna go to some fucking guy's house in the middle of nowhere and start Giving them a rough time. But you know what? We fell for it. We fell for it. Anyway, I saw a play while I was back there. Old Billy White Way, you know?

I gotta tell you right now, if all the lights were as fucking white as my fucking head People would still call it the great white way the great ginger way Old ginger Lane something like that. I saw the enemy of the enemy of the people that I already say that I started this podcast over already Because I didn't think it was fucking funny enough so I just started it over. My brain is on a fucking loop. If I didn't mention, if I already mentioned it, I apologize. It starred Michael Imperioli and Jeremy Strong. It was amazing.

The play was over 100 years old and what it was about still applies today. Like if somebody told me somebody wrote that play last year, other than the way they were dressed, I would have believed it. Or even then I would have been like, all right, well, they wrote it last year and set it back in time then. So that was amazing to go to that. And then we did the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. And right out of the gate, I got to give a shout out to Rich Voss, who hosted it. He's hosted it every single year. The man is the glue that holds it together.

And there's kind of this running joke every year. Rich, lately, he just seems to be fucking people's names up. You know, last year he called Patrice's mom by the wrong name. And this year, he brought out Robert Powell, who's one of the best comedians I've seen come along in a long time. You got to check him out. He brought Robert Powell out. He called him Robert Palmer. He brought in a live black comic out on stage by calling him a dead white guy's name. It was the most Rich Voss thing I had ever seen. This was the lineup.

It was Reggie Conquest, Bonnie McFarlane, Robert Powell, Jim Gaffigan, Michael Che, Dan Soda, Sypha Sounds DJ, Rich Voss hosted, Marcelo Hernandez, everybody killed, everybody in their own way, did their own thing. And yeah, Robert Powell had this great story that he told about going to a titty bar with Patrice O'Neill that was just, we were all like, oh my God, I never heard this story before. So it was, it was awesome. I was like finding like a lost, you a lost track from a band that you loved.

So and then thank you to everybody down at the stand, Chris Italia, Paul, all those guys for hooking up the after party and everything. So we had a great time as always. And thank you to all of you for coming out, selling it out again. Every time you guys show up to that thing, you're basically, you know, you're helping us take care of Patrice's mom. It's a fantastic thing. So thank you.

And then lastly, what did I do in New York? I did the Garden of Dreams. Oh, Billy Benefit. I did back-to-back benefits. Wefit, I did Back to Back Benefits, wore the exact same thing both nights in a row and I would have got away with it but Jim Gaffigan was on the Garden of Dreams too. So when we were doing the Little Red Carpet he's like, Bill Burr wore this exact same thing last night.

He was so excited to tell everybody, that's what I love about comedians is just fucking childish childish as hell His face lit up when he saw me wearing the same thing it's like oh fantastic An opportunity to shit on somebody while getting a laugh from others and it worked everybody laughed at me But it was fine anyway, I Feel like I've done this podcast over again, I don't even know if I already talked about that Anyway, the Garden of Dreams was amazing. My god the amount of fucking people that showed up for that

As far as like famous people and athletes and everything like Dwight Gooden was there, John McEnroe, Jerry Cooney, Victor Cruz, I know I'm gonna forget somebody that's a, Vern Lundquist, oh my god, who a bunch of Rangers showed up Mike Richter Adam Graves It was unreal I see see sabathia was there. I mean was fucking unbelievable Luis Guzman all of these actors it was it was Ben Stella Who gave me a really nice intro, by the way.

You know, you see a guy like that, he's like, I don't even know if this guy even knows who I am, and they gave me a really fucking nice intro. And I was like, wow. Fucking Ben Stiller's a good guy, man. After Jim Gaffigan trashed me, you know, Ben Stiller lifts me up. John Stewart was there. He did a... I don't know. It was just... it was a bunch of people.

And so there you go. So I gave back twice this week. So now that I did that, I gave back on Tuesday and Wednesday. Now I feel like I can just be a dick for the rest of the week. You know? Oh, I also did the Breakfast Club. I did the Breakfast Club with Jess Hilarious, DJ Envy, Charlamagne the God. There. Look at me. Remembering names. I'm off Instagram. You see that? I'm off Instagram. It wasn't early onset dementia. Oh, I can't really say it's early at 55, but whatever. dementia. Oh, I can't really say it's early at 55, but anyway, whatever. Um, my brain was flying all over the place. So, um, yeah, when on that show, I thought that they were going to come at

me. They were like really nice. I was just sitting there going, Oh God, here we go. What corner am I going to get talked into? And, uh, I didn't, They were like really cool and it was fun. A lot of the stuff that they were asking me brought up memories I hadn't thought about in a long long time. So you know thank you to them. I went out and I got drank a bunch of fucking coffee at a bunch of different places. I stayed away from the bread and I'm still fucking red. I don't know. I don't know what else to tell you. Now, now I am back and I got some big shows coming up.

I got the Hollywood bowl, playing the fucking Hollywood bowl people for the Netflix is a joke festival. I want to say that's May 3rd. And I was talking to my agent and he was saying it's definitely gonna sell out which makes me feel great so thank you to all you guys there's still tech tickets left but they're projecting that by the date there won't be any so if you want to go get them now and and then after that

I'll be getting real close to, uh, getting ready to tape a special, and I'm fucking psyched because I have this new bit that I've been doing that turned into a chunk, and then it went to this other little offshoot thing that I really want to flesh out, and... I just think it's one of those jokes that was... or just sort of ideas or observations

that was just sitting there hanging there, you know, and nobody got to it as far as I know. Because that's what always happens, you know, you'll go see another fucking comedian, they'll just do something, when you hear it, it just, it's so perfect, it just seems almost easy. And you're like, fuck, why didn't I think of that? That was just sitting there waiting to be said, ah, you know, he or she got there first. What are you gonna do?

So anyway, I'm back. And this is how I am when I'm back. Like if you notice I'm a little fucking scrambled, notice this like about myself. So what I need to do is the old me I would literally drop the bags and I would just go out and go play drums or I would get in my car and go drive somewhere. I Would come I would just immediately you know, I Would you know I'm wound up

from just being on the road, right? Packing and unpacking and that shit. So now I've just learned like, nope, just fucking sit here, relax. I don't shut it off though until I unpack. That's an old pro move from doing the road. When you get back from the road, before you fucking collapse onto the couch or the bed,

or if you get back from a trip Unpack if you don't that thing's gonna step luggage is gonna sit there and haunt you for three to seven days and That dirty laundry in there is just getting dirty That's fucking nasty so I get home I always do my laundry too You know unless I'm only out for a couple, two, three days. But if I'm out any longer than that, I fucking do the laundry. And I hate putting dirty laundry into a fucking into luggage and closing up. It's just fucking gross. It's one of my non-negotiables whilst I'm out there.

So, uh, Oh Jesus. What the, I don't know. I don't know what to talk about. Oh, I know what I talk about. I watched that movie, the iron claw on the flight out about the Vaughn Eric family. Oh my God. I don't, you know, like the level of tragedy in their family, it's like the Kennedy's level. You know, the amount of like, it's just fucking horrific.

But I gotta tell you, it's an amazing, amazing movie. Gorgeously shot and the acting was outstanding. And I used to love the Von Erics, you know, they didn't, I used to love the Vaughn Eriks. They didn't, I used to always watch the WWF. So I forget what they wrestled in. So we would never see it. And then somewhere along the line when we got cable, all of a sudden we got that other, whatever they wrestled in, the one that had Ric Flair, that one with the Vaughn Eriks

was way better. There was something about it. It was just, I liked a lot of the wrestlers better. And I loved the Von Erics, and Kerry Von Erick was my favorite. And I learned something about him that was shocking in the movie that I never knew. I never knew. I mean it's on his Wikipedia page. Alright, spoiler alert. I'm gonna talk about it, alright?

So you got plenty of time. I'm counting down. Take out your fucking earbuds or whatever. Fucking hit fast forward. Alright right. So I never knew this was Kerry von Eric got involved in a motorcycle accident and he messed up his leg really bad and he was supposed to stay off it and he got back on it too soon and he ended up re-injuring his foot and they had to amputate it. And I had no idea. I was like, wait a minute, that was the end of his career? And they showed in the movie, like he got a prosthetic and pushed through all of this pain and continued to wrestle.

And we were all at home, had no idea that he was missing a foot and that he was in all of this pain. He got addicted to painkillers and all of that. And it went that sad route. But amazingly, amazingly, shot film. But Jesus Christ. Of course, I have eight minutes left in the movie. And then all of a sudden, you know, they used to infuriate me.

You know? But now they actually warn you. They say there's not enough time left to see the movie. I was like, I don't give a fuck. I want to watch this movie anyway. It just looks good. And Zac Efron is the star of it. And the other actor, spacing on his name, who stars stars in The Bear plays Carrie Von Erich and just a fucking awesome movie. I feel like I'm doing like, who's that guy?

I'm so and so, we'll talk again. He used to be on Late at Night when he would talk about movies and all of that shit. Anyway, let me do some advertising. This podcast might be a little short this week because my brain is fucking fried. All right, what am I doing here? Paula, oh, policy genius.

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I want to thank Maureen Tarrin for putting the whole thing together. Everybody just working for free, man. Everybody just doing it for the right reasons. It's such a fun show. And I was really blown away with all of the guys that I already knew. Like I hadn't seen Michael Che do stand up in a while. Oh, my God, is that guy a beast? Fucking beast. And then seeing, you know, finally seeing Robert Powell live, who I became a fan of his right before the pandemic.

And then all that bullshit happened. And then I did old dads and I sort of took my eye off the ball. But. Luckily luckily through Instagram, came back into my life and I got him on this and his set was unbelievable. Bonnie McFarlane was doing all this personal stuff, talking about her and Rich's relationship was fantastic. And I never saw Marcelo Hernandez who went up there and absolutely killed. Reggie Conquest was another guy I had never seen.

He was one of those guys, just his vibe. You could just knew he was a comedian. So all those newer people, it was fantastic. And then all the heavy hitters, Gaffigan, Voss, Dan Soder and all of those guys being on, that was amazing insight for some. They're just gonna make sure I give everybody their props. Couldn't do it without them.

So, Billy golf game. I got some golf coming up next month. And I might actually go out and take a lesson. So I think this is what I'm going to do with golf. I'm going to take lessons, but I'm not going to get my clubs. I'm not getting clubs. I'm not fucking buying anything other than balls and tees and a big fucking sun hat like I'm going

out picking blueberries that's the only thing I'm investing in the game and whatever clothes I need to wear because that last time I almost did it I almost pulled the trigger and bought golf clubs when I walked into that fucking store and just saw all of that shit. All of that shit. Knowing 90% of it was gonna get fucking thrown into a lake on a fucking golf course out of frustration because they're gonna blame the equipment.

Not the fact that if you consider golf a sport, can you at least go this with me? Golf is the number one sport that has the least amount of athletes playing it. I mean Rich Voss plays golf and he's good at it and he's good at it. That's what amazes mees that's why I always said I categorize it as an activity because non athletes can get good at it Non-athletes cannot get at get good at other sports. You could be a non athlete and get good at pool You can get good at fucking golf. You can get good at bowling but all the real sports

We got somebody fucking lining up across you talking about, you know, your mother or whatever, getting in your fucking head or throwing some fucking high fastball right by your chin. I mean, those fucking those are like those are sports, man. I'm sorry. If you don't have hand eye coordination, you're in for a long fucking afternoon sitting on the bench because you suck. That's another thing why golf isn't a sport.

There's not a bench. You can't pull somebody out of it. They just fucking stay out there. This guy sucks. I know. There's nothing we can do. Maybe he'll be nice and pick up his ball and walk towards ours. Oh, God, I love shitting on golf.

I also do. I do enjoy playing it. Even if I'm not playing well for how I usually play, I just fucking love. I just love the Nomar Garcia Para level ritual that some people have before they address the ball only to shank it hook it dribble it you know and then they always they always like gesture towards the ball they put their hand out like what the fuck happened? We even went, you happened. It's not the ball, it's not the club, it's you. You have a fucking club on your hand and you have a ball. And if you hit it right, it goes nine zillion miles. Alright? If you don't, it does what it just did.

Alright? If you did it right, it would have gone flying. So stop fucking gesturing at the ball. Like you ever see somebody fucking cause an accident and then they fucking gesture at the other person? Like what the fuck are you doing? That guy is a golfer. All right, I made it a half an hour. All right, that's it.

Enjoy the music picked out by the incredibly talented Andrew Themamelis. And then we have a bonus half hour episode of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from, I don't know, a year gone past. All right. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll talk to you on Monday. When the MCs came, tellin' about their names.

And to perform some ads to snort cocaine. To act the same with the poor, he rockin' on. They're born to be the same. And they're born to be the same. And they're born to be the same. And they're born to be the same. And they're born to be the same. And they're born to be the same. And they're born to be the same To snort cocaine, to act the same With the four heat rockin' on down on the mental plane With the sparkly brain, with the building to be born Yo, Riz, I put the tracks with the what you

got Check the fit, I'm set to put the fit, I'm set to put the fit State niggas get blessed in my bites I swing swords and cut clam Shit is too swift to bite, you'll be caught and righted damn I blow like the blood on a murder scene Like a syringe on some wild out shit to insert a fame But it was your walk, the shop stolen art Catch a swollen heart from not rolling smart I put bad pressure on Monywhack rhymes and get hurt

Sits plate like zodiac signs or sweatshirts That's minimum and feminine like sandals Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 28th, 2016. The year of the yak. Whatever the fuck it is in the Chinese New Year. I have no idea. Isn't that New Year next month? How does that work with those people? I don't get it. I don't understand why we're on standard and everybody else is on metric. Can we just pick one fucking calendar, one unit of measurement? You fucking go over to Europe, Jesus Christ. Metric and then some old guys talk, hey, wait, fucking 20 stone.

20 stone? I mean, I guess we're still saying horsepower. Jesus fucking- well, what size stone? I mean I guess we're still saying horsepower. Jesus fucking what? What size stone? What are you a fucking freemason? Is your buddy in the Illuminati? Is that where he's at? No, your little secret group you think you're going to make it, buying up land on the aquifers? Is that what you're going to do? And then what? Huh? All the robots are going to take everything over, right? You phase everybody out, but uh, except you. And then you guys, you guys are gonna be good, and then all the robots for some reason aren't gonna turn. How many fucking movies you need to watch

before you realize that they're eventually gonna turn on you? Stuck on you, you made a fucking robot, now it's choking you off with your dick and you deserve it Might have glad you stayed baron around there you go. There was a little Illuminati with Lionel Richie You like that? Somebody sent me this fucking video the way you might want to you might want to watch this thing and it was basically this Person was talking about a we're showing how the automobile put the horse this person was talking about was showing how the automobile put the horse out of business, you know, which it was so funny to me, like the horse was upset, like, oh, fuck,

you mean human beings aren't going to ride on my back anymore? What do I, what do I got to do? I can't run free on the plane. I guess the horse population dropped off, but like nobody who was, no one, you know, most of them are born into uh i guess you really don't see horses running around do you maybe out in wyoming yeah see a lot of cows at the waffle house i'm sorry well why would you do a fat joke bill this early in come on you're better than that bill hang on a second come on okay if we're going to do this a while can? Can we try to fucking have, like, just a certain standard of comedy? Do you got to go that low? You know, you got to attack the broads and fat people all at the same time that early?

Hey, you know, whatever, you got to shoot your way out of a slump. It's my second attempt to get this thing going. This is one of these times I'm recording the podcast, not because I'm feeling it, it's because I have to, because I got shit to do tomorrow. So I got to kind of knock this thing out on Easter. So anyways, anybody, somebody shows me this fucking thing. So the guy shows how the car put the horse out of fucking business. And yeah, like I said, like the horse is upset.

It's like when you watch those weird commercials where like the Mr. Potato Heads are sneaking off to eat potato chips. There's some sort of weird like undertones of cannibalism going on there. It's supposed to be adorable. I don't get those commercials on any level. But totally lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, so they were basically showing how computers and everything being automated is going to phase everybody out and there's going to be this mass unemployment that is coming.

Like this is fucking groundbreaking thought. I mean a dummy like me has been saying this for fucking ever, right? And he just kept going like, oh, so you're in this industry? Well, you're not safe either. You think, you know, you actually, you're a computer programmer. Well guess what? you're not safe either. You think, you know, you actually you're a computer programmer Well, guess what? You're not safe either buddy. Just fucking relax and like he just kept coming with that tone And at some point I was just like well you're gonna fucking shine that light in yourself that maybe he does by the end I couldn't listen to him. What about condescending douchebags who think they know everything narrating over these fucking videos?

You know with your big big dude I called it. Really or is technology in the future going to get rid of jobs? Yeah, I had no idea. It's only been doing that since the beginning of fucking time. These fucking people are just forever forecasting that the sky is going to fall. This is the fucking thing. Eventually, the sky will fall. Nobody knows when it's

gonna happen. Everybody's been trying to predict it ever since that fucking Nostradamus douchebag all the way down to a moron like me. The bottom line is none of us know what we're talking about. Oh, the lovely Nia. I'm busting in on your podcast. Well, get a microphone and a plug. They're in the closet. So the bottom line is nobody knows when all this shit's going to end. So just fucking go enjoy yourself. You know, I just feel like this fucking, all this whole presidential election, you got one lunatic, it's on the closet, on the top shelf.

You got one lunatic on the fucking left, another lunatic on the right, and then you got this fucking, I don't know what she is in the middle. You know, she's not really in the middle. She's just more of the same. You know, they're going to, they should just wheel her into the White House like fucking Hannibal Lecter. When those fucking masks on. She wouldn't have to watch her awful fucking mouth.

You need the plug too. Oh, I got the plug over here. Let me hit pause so the listeners don't have to fucking listen to this shit. And with that, the magic of the pause button. We were able to get by all that. Don't you wish you had a pause button in life, Nia? I certainly do, Bill. When all of a sudden something bad was going on? Like, you know, I was in the middle of one of my long drawn out stories. You could, well, I actually want to fast forward, wouldn't you?

I felt that your listeners might need rescuing from that. Oh, is that what it is? No. Let me just bring it down here because you're breathing into the mic here. Yeah, don't do that. Just hold it down a little more relaxed. Every time I come in, you're always telling me how to use the microphone. Yeah, because you don't... All right, well, fucking use how you want to use it then.

I got my own style, man. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you know what you sound, sometimes you sound like a, you know when a little kid answers the phone? They just pick up the phone and it's like, hello? And you're like, hey, what'd you do today? Did you have a good day? And they're like, yes.

That's the hardest thing ever. I just was talking to my niece and it's just like, you got to like, you can't answer, if you just ask them yes or no questions, you got to be like, what did you do today? You can't be like, did you have fun today? Because they won't elaborate. They'll just go, yes! You're like, oh fuck, I need another question. Yeah, they're not the greatest conversationalists, but. Oh, they're brutal interviews greatest conversationalists, but-

Oh, they're brutal interviews. They're brutal interviews. Oh, is that why child actors are so creepy? You know, like little kids, because it's like you shouldn't be this articulate. You shouldn't be able to just elaborate in a way, because you're a kid. Yeah. Right? No, it's the combination that they talk like adults.

They're making more money than you are. And they're wearing that little talk show suit. The whole thing, and they just sit there and they cross their legs like an adult does when they do panel. And they'll just be like, you know, so what was it like working on blah, blah, blah? And you'll be like, oh, he was great to work with. I've been a huge fan of his stuff. I know.

Yeah, for the last six years, my whole life, basically. I don't think they should make little kids do interviews. I think it's one thing for them to do movies and stuff, but I don't think they should be doing interviews and press and stuff. I just feel like that's weird. I don't think people should talk to little kids. Period. No. They should be seen around her.

Like little kids. I don't talk to little kids like little kids. No, neither do I and I think that that is a like I think it weirds them out after the age of four to be They're just looking to you like yeah, you know, they can remember in a member in young Frankenstein When he just goes like it is alive young Frankenstein when he just goes like, it is alive. I've never seen it. It is alive. And Frankenstein's sitting there looking at him like,

dude, what the fuck is your deal? No. Gene Wilder? No, no. You never saw that movie? No. Walk This Way? You haven't touched your food?

Are you quoting the movie or are you just saying words? You're quoting the movie. Did you have a pot cookie? No. No. Yeah. Have you never seen that movie? It's fucking hilarious.

Is that the one where he's always going, Frankenstein? Yeah. When people are saying- Frankenstein, because he's trying to- Okay. I remember those clips, but I don't... Wasn't there something called Young Frankenstein with Yahoo! Sirius, that comedian from Australia?

What was that movie? Well, God knows I always fuck up the name. It's the one with Gene Wilder in it. No, I think you're right. That's the name of a Gene Wilder movie. But wasn't there something with Frankenstein with Yahoo Serious? Am I just... I don't know. I don't know why there's like a wind tunnel where you're talking. You know what it is? Does it sound bad? No, because this is what you do. You're up here and then you're down here and then you're

here. You're moving it all then you're down here and then you're here. You're moving it all around. So what do I do? You need a steady hand on that microphone. See? You don't move your hand at all? I'm pretty consistent. I just, I rest it like this.

I rest it against my chest, my chesticles. Okay. So just like this. My male, my male pecs here, my chesticles. Does it sound far away though if I do this? Yeah, it does. How about this? That's fine. This is good. That is good

All right, that's right there. Now. Just don't move and freeze for the next 50 minutes Well, I'm probably gonna leave soon. I just came in to say hi. Okay. Well, I didn't know if you had any questions from oh That hasn't come in yet. Oh, so what are you going on about? Frankenstein now I was talking about the Illumin this fucking video somebody told me to watch where it's just like this guy's just saying How technology and robots are gonna phase everybody out and you just go you know? Oh, you're a milkman you think you're safe check out this fucking robot and everything It's just like yeah, what about condescending douchebags who narrate videos like they probably already have a robot to do that, right? Don't they to do what I'll tell you this

To just narrate shit. They already have the fucking robot lady in the elevator. Or even that's just a voiceover. That fucking woman. Can somebody please make a poster? It's like a horror film. And what did you say? That weird robot lady in the elevator? That fucking robot lady in the elevator? I want somebody to do a poster for a movie with your face looking very concerned and there's an elevator behind it. No, she's depressing. She's in every fucking elevator and it's like going up and then when she says going down, she goes, going down and she really... Your whole life is going in the shitter.

I can't tell you how many people I've been in the elevator. I go, it's so fucking depressing. They're like, I know, I hate it. It's not just me. Okay. You know, it's all of us out there in the Ramadas, you know, hoping they got that little waffle flippy thing down there for the continental breakfast. That's right.

Those stale blueberry muffins, those little bite sized ones that for some reason give you a, what are they called? Your little muffin tops. Muffin tops. Those things are like little grenades for your gut, for your belly, you know? You just pop one of those in there and you come like Homer Simpson. Yep. Oh, you're going to do this?

All right. Let's get into this part of the... Oh, I thought you were giving me shit. No, no, no. I'm listening. Yep. Just doing me shit. No, no, no. I'm listening. Yup. Just doing that shit. Let's talk about your little trashing that you took. You took like a seller level, comedy seller level trashing today.

We were out to brunch with my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and you. Yeah, and me. And we go out to lunch and you are the biggest sweetheart. You got a wonderful sense of humor, you're a cutie pie, but when you talk to the wait staff, or just in general. I still don't see it. Oh, and everybody that was in agreement. You have, you put a little mustard on it.

You have like a, can you get your shit together or what? Like how many times do I have to ask you the first time? Like when the lady came over and she goes, what did she ask? You and I were sitting down while at a six top while my mom and my brother were outside waiting for my sister. So we went to get our table and she said, hi, can I get you guys some of the drink? And we both said waters and she goes, okay hi, can I get you guys something to drink? And we both said waters. And she goes, okay, and can I get you some appetizers?

And I said, we're just, we're waiting on three more. That's all I said. But you make it seem like I was like, excuse me. You had this tone of like, bitch, why would two people sit at a six top? There's obviously more people coming. You had a little fucking. And there were menus. And there were menus. You had a little fucking- And there were menus.

And there were menus. See, there it is. And there were menus. And it was totally, that's what it was. The fact that there was menus there and she didn't do the math. You just have this, well, what the fuck's wrong with you? But I don't think that I'm a difficult person to serve in a restaurant. Would you say that? I don't send things back. The way that you do it, the way that you do it, it's one of those fucking zingers. It's a tone. So the person, like you said something nice, but there's a tone in there that makes the

person a step and a half away kind of cock their head like, was she just being a fucking asshole there? Am I like... Yeah, you were accusing me of being shady. It's basically what it was. And that's not my intention. I just, you do, you do know though, I, I, not shady, shady is like dishonest. You're saying that, that, no, no, shady as in I'm being shady the way throwing shade, are you going down?

Going down. Are you going down? Going down. I just have, I definitely have a little less patience than normal perhaps at a restaurant. This is good. You're gradually doing it. And I do feel that I don't like it when they're not on top of things. That's all. And I mean, it wasn't just for me.

Like my mom got her salad before she got her wine, and the rest of us got drinks, and like, you know, me and my brother and my sister all had mixed drinks. She had wine. Like, hers should have been the first thing that came out. And then we all get our stuff, and then she gets a salad with no wine.

And I said to her, and she has a wine, to the point she brought over my mom's salad, I just said, and she has wine. I wasn't like, my mom ordered wine, and she has a wine, to the point she brought over my mom's salad, I just said, and she has wine. I wasn't like, my mom ordered wine, and she should have gotten that first. I don't do all that. No, you don't go to that level. Yeah, so what's the problem?

No, you have a fucking tone. I can't do it the way that you fucking do it. I always look at you, I go, easy, Nia. Just fucking take a little off your fastball there. You just have this fucking, dude, your brother agreed. Your sister agreed. What did my mother say? She pleaded the fifth.

She goes, I'm not going to get involved in this. Because she does the same thing, to be honest. I'm not trying to throw my mom under the bus. That's what your brother said. What? Your brother goes, when your mother would say, that's where she gets it from. Well, I mean, my mom definitely has been known to complain about food.

She bitched about the food in Italy. The funniest thing ever. Don't keep saying, don't keep spreading that rumor. I guess I'm just used to a sandwich that has meat on it. More meat on it. More meat on it. No, I mean, I think yes. How hard did we tease her for complaining about food in Italy?

We tease her a lot. But then she loves everything else about you. She's a good sport about it. Yes, she's a good sport about it. But no, I mean, my mom has a tendency to be just to the point with people like that because, you know, I'm just letting them know. Listen, this was the Sunday waitstaff. This was the Easter Sunday waitstaff. Like I said, you're not getting the cream of the crop of waitstaff on Easter Sunday. Let's be real. Oh, wow. Wow. I mean, you're not getting the creme de la creme of waitstaff on Easter Sunday.

Like, let's be real. Wow. I mean, come on. So you're going in there with that attitude. Now, this is all this type of fucking predisposed thought and tone that guys like me, guys like me- I know. I'm going to offend somebody because somebody did a shift at a restaurant today on Easter

Sunday. No, no, no, no. I'm saying you have- And they're going to say that I'm saying that they're not the creme de la creme. But if you had been in this restaurant, okay, so I'm not talking about you. If you had been in this restaurant, you would have seen just how it was a little off. That's all. And I wasn't throwing a temper tantrum or being demanding. You keep saying I was demanding and I was not demanding.

You have this fucking attitude every fucking place we go. When you order, you have, I'm always like, easy, Nia, just easy, just all you gotta do, just pump the brakes a little. I just feel like they ask me what I want and I just tell them what I want and what I need. And I'm. The thing is, when you order, I think you're fine,

but then it's when everything isn't chop chop coming your way, you have a way of like, can we get some more bread? Like, please. Like you have this, I can't, that's, that's too, yes. I lose my patience. So you're fucking agreeing with me. I agree that I have a low patience for service that is not of the quality that I feel that it should be.

Yeah. I know. I sound crazy. I know. And if they fuck with your food, they're going to fuck with my food too. So it's just fucking... The waitstaff has an unbelievable amount of power that you're not really realizing to fuck with your life.

I realized that. I was a waitress, remember? I understand how it all goes down. I just... And what happened to you with that job? You got fired. And here you are. Really?

You're going to go there? Oh yeah. Really? Yeah. I got fired over some bullshit, okay? And they could never even tell me why I got fired over some bullshit. They could never even tell me why I got fired. They were like, oh, you told somebody that they couldn't have iced coffee. I said, oh, you told me that we don't serve iced tea anymore because it's the fall. They were like, oh, but you

still can have iced coffee. I'm like, oh, I didn't fucking know that. That was an example of one of the reasons why they fired me. Bullshit. It was all bullshit. Okay, so let's not. I think you won. I think there was a little mustard getting slung around in that place. You know what?

You probably had the same fucking attitude, the same lack of patience with the people ordering those fucking barflies. Actually, no, you did a great job. That was one of my favorite times when I was first getting known. In our relationship? Yeah, she used to work at this place. It doesn't exist anymore. The Allstate Cafe on the west side of New York. She used to work the lunchtime shift and I would come in as a fucking no name, a goo comedian. My days are free. My phone's not ringing.

You'd come in every day that I was working. It was so cute. You'd come in with a New York Post. You'd come in with the paper. I loved it. You'd sit in the same booth and, you come in with the paper. I loved it. And you'd sit in the same booth and you'd order a burger and chili. Oh, the shit. And I would serve a beer. DeRosa would come by. DeRosa would come.

Jodorows would come. And you looked adorable. Yeah. People loved you there. That was fun. You got the chef there. I just brought that up just to fuck with you. I definitely got the chef there because I had friends there.

But restaurants are just, they're weird environments. That's the only place you ever got fired from. And I remember how hard you took that, because every place else you've just gotten promoted, promoted, promoted. That's the only place- Oh, I cried! Yeah, you cried. So I think maybe that's why you have that fucking attitude when you go in there,

because it brings you back. No, that's ridiculous. Well then, maybe you're just not a nice person. I am a nice person! No, I get impatient nice person. I am a nice person. But no, I get impatient at restaurants. I will cop to that. Okay, fine. I cop to being impatient at restaurants.

Well, do you remember when you were a waitress and people were like impatient with you? How did that make you feel? It didn't make me feel good. Okay. So the next time we go out, do you think maybe, uh, I'll just let you order for me. How about that? And make an all nice school and traditional just like you like that. Well, yeah, I liked it when there was defined jobs, defined gender roles. You mean? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Well, I'll let you have this one. It made a shrew to deal with when you take me out to eat.

It made it a lot easier. What do you mean? The questions just came in by the way. Okay. One of them skin infection. What am I a doctor? Somebody wrote you about they were getting married or they're engaged and their fiance wanted to have a Little Mermaid themed wedding. Do you remember this question?

Yeah. Yeah. Because I got sent it to, Andrew sent it to me too, to comment. I mean, obviously I'm late, but I just, first of all, I just don't think that's a real fucking question. I didn't either. Are you? Okay, good. I didn't think it was real, but I was like, if this is real. What 28-year-old person would really, like no 28-year-old woman wants to have their fiance dressed up as, who is it supposed to be?

Neptune? Um, you know. Because that doesn't make any fucking sense because Neptune is her, would be the Little Mermaid's father. Yeah, it just seemed like a joke. He would be dressed up as Prince Eric, and the fact that you didn't know that just proves that you lied,

because a girl who's really into Little Mermaid, like I am, would know that those are the facts. Well, maybe they're just talking about, okay, here we go, bizarre, 13 most bizarre and unusual wedding themes. All right, here we go. Look, these people are dressed up like fucking monsters. All right. Look at these. Oh, they're both dressed like zombies.

Zombies. Yeah. No, this isn't really, this isn't good for the podcast. People can't see what we're talking about. Yeah. Well, we can comment on it. Can you have a little faith in me? Jesus. Stop treating me like a waiter. Having your wedding at a department store. These people got married at TJ Maxx. All right. No comment. No comment. Oh, okay. Your entire party can be superheroes. All right. So here this is getting towards Little Neptune. What the fuck was called? Little Mermaid? Little Mermaid.

Okay, so one was dressed like Wonder Woman, the other one was dressed like Batman. How out of shape is the Batman in a loose fitting fucking Batman suit? He looks horrible. That's some shit that you regret later. He looks like old Batman, like you know when your skin loses the elasticity? Super Mario Brothers can smash it up at your wedding, that's a wedding cake of Super Mario Brothers wedding. Just's a wedding cake a Super Mario Brothers wedding Just show up naked

Okay. Now is this seem is this seeming? Wow, what about your fucking weirdos a Rollercoaster of a wedding people get married on a roller coaster Jump off a bridge while you say I do do. You get the metaphor near is it hitting you over the head with you? Yes. Uh, make it so somebody has in their wedding ring to boldly go where no man has gone before you. This is, this is, you seen the theme here? There's a Shrek wedding. Oh, really? Well, anyway, I, I thought the question said that the dad was not the dad, but like the groom was supposed to be dressed like Neptune.

And that just would not make sense unless he was wrong. This is all this Comic Con shit. All these fucking nerds try to find Middle Earth for the wedding of your dreams. Rocky Horror Picture Show and a zombie wedding. I mean, it's just people out there that think that that shit's cool. I still thought it was a bogus question. I don't fucking know.

What do I know, okay? I was gonna tell the story of seeing the old guy fall off the scooter. I hope he's all right, Jesus Christ. You helped him, though. Well, what was I supposed to do? I was the first person there. Billy Bird of the rescue. Fucking guy rolling down the street, sliding on his face. Poor guy.

Oh, he was fucked up. He had raspberries. He knocked himself out. He came around. He was pulling out little bits of teeth. And I don't know why it was horrifying when I saw it, but now I can't talk about it without laughing. It's just because he was on a scooter. I basically, I was, I'm not going to say all the information because God forbid the people that are related to him are listening. So the fucking dude was like, ah, fuck it. I'll just tell the story. I didn't do anything. I just finished

flying. Just exploit his fucking tragic accident. Well, nobody knows what it is. All right. I had just done, finished flying, right? Which everybody says is so fucking unsafe, right? Fly around and look at all this cool shit. Fly over Silver Lake to see that they took the water out of it I didn't realize that and I came back I fucking land You know say goodbye to everybody and I'm driving out You know to the real scary thing driving down the fucking street, and I literally pull out I make a right turn

And I don't I don't drive more than 40 yards, and I just see this fucking guy just this old guy Takes the turn to come onto the little two lane highway that I'm on. He's on the opposite side of the road and he went too fast and on like a motorcycle you can't just turn the front wheel. You're going to go down on a scooter. You know what I mean? You've got to kind of look your way through the turn and lean and your momentum.

You know, you're supposed to look through the fucking turn. He was going too fast and he went into the fucking island in the middle. Bill. He fucking, he jumped the fucking curb. The whole fucking scooter went up in the, and he high-sided, right? He just gets launched off this fucking thing and he's rolling down the street like a fucking log. Why are you laughing so hard?

Because people falling down is fucking hilarious. He was fine. He didn't break anything. He just knocked himself out. He's a little concussed. And then he wasn't wearing a shield and in the end he just sort of, he was sliding on his face. So I'm going, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit as I'm watching it and I fucking pull over.

No, I made sure everybody stopped and I got out. I was like, dude, dude, just stay there, you're all right. You're all right. And he was, he wasn't saying anything and he had fucking raspberry on his face, his pants were torn up. He literally got fucking attacked by a wild animal. And he's fucking laying, I feel terrible that this happened to him, but it's just afterwards. It's just funny. And he was laying there, right? And like one of his legs he had like up, like he was chilling and the other one was just straight out like

that. And he was just like, and he was like coming around. And I was like, all right, man, I called nine one. You're fine. You're fine. And then this lady shows up and she just kept going, don't move. Don't move. okay? You're okay, just don't move, okay? And she kept going, okay? And it started annoying me, and I almost started laughing. I want to be like, lady, the way you're talking is probably worse than what the fuck he's feeling right now. So by then, five or six people had stopped, everybody called, so this ambulance shows

up. I'm like, okay, thank God. And now he wants to get up. We just kept telling him not to get up. And the ambulance pulls up and he just goes, is he all right, is he all right? We're like, yeah, yeah, he seems to be okay. We're not fucking doctors, but he seems to be okay.

And he goes, all right, just tell him not to move. I already have someone on this ambulance. There's another one coming. And then he gets the ambulance and drives away. And then we're looking down the street and we don't see any ambulance coming. We're like, what the fuck? And, um, finally one, uh, a cop finally came up and this guy was fucking

priceless. He gets out right. Fucking horseshoe bald guy, right? He's got the whole landing strip. He just comes out looking like Sergeant Riker from the rookies for anybody's old. And he fucking just comes walking. He looked at the guy from NYPD blue, the old guy who showed his ass with the mustache, minus the mustache.

He just comes walking up and he just walks right up to the guy. Dennis Franz. Yeah, he just walks up like his toes are almost touching the guy's body and he just looks down at him. He goes, you all right? And the guy at that point is going like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. And he goes, all right. The ambulance is going to be coming. Like, his level of just like, I mean, he must see people be on fire every day.

So this guy, he just sees a scooter and this guy fucked up. He's just like, yeah, you all right? He also seemed way too old to still be in a patrol car. So I think he fucked up somehow and got busted down or maybe he was on his way to some senior police fucking banquet or some shit. And then he's just like, ah, I'm driving the cruiser. They know I'm a cop. I have to stop. So once that was fine, it was funny. Then we're just standing there waiting for the ambulance. But we got to get on with that day. And me and there was this tall, older black dude standing there and he's just like, he's like, all right, man, they're here. And I was like, yeah, yeah, they're here. And we just

both got in the car and fucking drove away. And it was really, it wasn't too bad. It wasn't too gory, you see, it was just a couple of raspberries and stuff. Well, I'm glad he didn't have a more serious injury. Oh, yeah, absolutely. But it wasn't until I got on the highway and I started driving and I started thinking about it and I just started laughing. I think it was just more the surprise that you saw it, but there is just something, just watching somebody get fucked up like that.

I remember the time I was in Griffith Park and that dude came down the hill in street clothes on a skateboard. He went down that fucking hill. What? Are you serious? Dude, this kid was- Were you hike up to the observatory? Somebody was going down on a skateboard?

Yeah. So I was just north of where the Greek theater was and this guy just went, yeah, went flying by on this thing. And I was just like, oh my God, that guy is the shit. And I'm thinking like, well, how's he going to stop? Because this is just downhill till you get into traffic. And all of a sudden his legs start doing that wobbly fucking thing. And I'm like, no fucking way. And I'm telling you,

this guy was going like fucking 30 miles an hour. Then he just steps off the skateboard. You always do that either one or two steps and then you're done. He was going so fast. He did like one step and it was like, who's that guy who fucking jumped 30 feet in 1969, nobody ever broke it? He fucking hit first. Yeah. It's flying. It was like the greatest stun I ever saw. He landed too and he started rolling. When I tell you this guy, this guy was rolling so fast. He was like a blur. He's like, he would go like, brrrrr, then hit like his elbow, which would shoot him in the air. Brrrrr, boom, brrrrr, brrrrr.

Then the best is when you're not going fast enough to keep rolling, and then he just slide in the sand like, brrrrr, all the way down the thing. And I was just like, and the skateboard kept going. And he was just not moving. And I was going like, oh my God. He started wiping out like 50 yards away from me and I swear to God, it was a quarter mile walk to get where the fuck he stopped and he was just laying in the road not moving.

I was like, I think this guy is fucking dead. He had no helmet on. He had street clothes on. He looked like he just came back from drinking. And he just had this Harrison Ford brown leather jacket on. He just fucking launched himself. So I get up. I'm getting close to it at this point.

He's trying to sit up. He knows he's laying in the middle of the road. And I finally see his skateboard hit the curb on the other side, and he bumps into a parked car. Then he crawled. He tried to stand up, and he couldn't put any weight on his leg. He crawled over and sat down. By then I knew he was all right, so I was already starting to laugh. I was just going like, dude, dude, dude, doing that dude while laughing. I go, you all right? He goes, he's like, yeah, bro, what the fuck, man?

I was just going. And at that point, I'm trying not to laugh. I was just like, dude, I go, that was fucking hardcore, man. I never seen a white boat like that. If I was filming that fucking thing, dude, it was the most fucking, it was the greatest log roll. Whatever the fuck you call that fucking thing, dude, it was the most fucking, it was the greatest log roll. Whatever the fuck you call that thing, that dude was just, boom, I never seen it.

I can't believe his shoes stayed on. You know your shoes always fly off whenever you get hit real hard? Oh my God, tremendous. Fucking tremendous. And it's just as much as you feel for the person It's just nothing funnier than watching somebody fucking wipe out if they don't die and you don't know them, right? God god help me man anyways, let me do a little podcast read you for some

For some of the advertising. Oh, it's advertising time. It's advertising time. You do the questions afterward Yeah, I can get right to those things if you know, I just don't want you to start, you know talking to me in a certain way So remotely, oh here we go. Oh the advertising Yeah, it's tough it's tough That's why I fuck around in them because I'm not gonna have people subjected to my fucking reading out loud without You know, it's a funny train wreck. Like the way I read is like me watching that old guy fall off the scooter. Oh Grandpa Grampy did you take it too fast? Hey, guess what my Boston Bruins did to today

Did they do something that's gonna put them in the running to be in the Stanley Cup finals? The playoffs the playoffs last week, you know, we were fucking Did they do something that's going to put them in the running to be in the Stanley Cup finals? The playoffs. The playoffs? Last week, we were fucking, possibly could be, a bunch of shit had to happen. Basically the Rangers and the Capitals had to keep losing or whatever and we could have gone past them and been in first place in the Eastern Conference and then we lost five in a row.

Okay? And today we won our first one. We beat Toronto. Thank God. Congratulations in a row. Okay. And today we have, we won our first one. We beat Toronto. Thank God. Congratulations, Brewies. Yeah. It was going to be a shit show. We lost five in a row.

We fucking lost to San Jose, Anaheim, the Kings, then the Rangers, and then the Panthers and the wheels were fucking coming off. And then, uh, of course, as always Bergeron and Charah fucking step up, you know, Of course, as always, Bergeron and Chara fucking step up, you know? For the, uh... I guess the tying goal and then the go-ahead goal and... What's his face? Bolesky got the fucking empty netter. I missed the whole game because we were at brunch and I was sitting there watching you,

looking absolutely gorgeous, treating the waitstaff. Like... Is that why you didn't want to go today? No, I didn't want to go because I thought your mom wanted to go to someplace where everyone was going to go and everyone was going to show up with their Easter hats and I was going to be standing out in the sun with, it's going to be a 45 minute wait. If you guys want to go down the street and get some drinks and then maybe come back, we'll give you this vibrating square.

Yeah, I don't want to do that. But it didn't turn out to be that. No, it ended up being great. It ended up being great. Oh, by the way, I haven't even talked about it. Nia, I played the Terrace Theater last night in Long Beach. Yes. The place where Richard Pryor did the greatest standup special of all time. I want to thank everyone who came out.

I had such a great time, but for the first 10 minutes, I was literally freaking out going like, that's where he told the white guy, sit your ass down. This is where he did my monkeys died and I remember in the end when I waved goodnight I remember how he finished to set the woman having the orgasm and the whole place goes nuts and he didn't have to say goodnight he just waved ah I started to watch the special I had to stop watching it because I knew it would fuck up my set, but like, it is the definition of a comic who's just in a zone. He walks out from the beginning to end. It gives me like fucking goosebumps when I watch that special to this day. He's the greatest, it's not even fucking close, and I got to basically stand and do stand up then.

I just can't believe it. I watched that special since I was a kid and you walk in and it looks the exact same. Where you drive in is where he drove in with his wife when they filmed the special and it all still looks the same. And as I was walking in, I was getting like the chills and you just walk and it's like, there it is. This is, this is it. This is the place. And at, and at the end of the show, when I said good night, Dean Del Rey came out and out showed me and the spotlight went on him so it wasn't

on me and so it wasn't in my eyes anymore I could just see the spotlight hitting the tops of everybody's heads and that's the way I saw the theater you know because they didn't really show the crowd in that special and it was just one of the coolest things ever and then the night before I worked at theater in Riverside California California, that they actually debuted Gone with the Wind. The first, you know, before they had the official premiere at man's Chinese theater, they wanted to make sure the sound was all right.

So they just headed east and they, uh, they shot it. I don't know. They, they fucking whatever they played the movie out there. And I got to stand on those stages. It was fucking tremendous. And I want to thank everybody who came out. Um, it was fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing. Yeah. Um, and lastly, before we get into the questions is the, uh, the Lincoln continental. All right.

I talked to this, you know, this guy who drove us, we got a driver to take us down to long beach cause I knew I was going to have a couple of whiskies after that, you know, I was trying to be responsible. So, um, you know, I was sitting there going like, you know, I like the Lincoln Continental. I hope they don't fuck it up. I hope they make it fuck with the Mercedes-Benz, you know, like, let's really make this a nice car. Like, fuck with the seven series BMW. I want this thing to be a nice fucking car.

And I was saying, it would be cool if they actually brought back the suicide doors. And the driver was going, yeah, they're doing that. The top of the line one's going to have suicide doors. And I went and I looked it up. And here's a picture of it. How sick is that fucking car? That's very cool. Where I'm going to post this picture. And it's just the concept car. And as far as I know, they didn't fucking do it. Why wouldn't you do that? Look at that. Look how fucking pew that is the sickest fucking shit ever. Mia look at that car. Yeah, I see. No, it's cool. I'm looking at hopefully you guys are just you're looking at the picture right now. They even have like the trunk comes

up and slides forward and then the bottom kicks out And then you fucking luggage you can see it in real life They can't we know what you have to do is you have to buy the car And then you got to take it to one of these wizards out here and say you see that I want you to do that One of those gas monkey guys to tell them to fucking do that to the car Wait, what's this one though? I saw on the bottom? This is a Lincoln? Yeah, this is with the LED lights. And in this one, the LED lights like the Lincoln Continental, their emblem also lights up in

LED lights. That's fucking sick. That's nice. 2017 Lincoln Continental to replace 2016 Lincoln MKS. Yeah. I'm either going to get that or I'm going to get that Dodge Ram RT Sport, like just the two-door, no extra cab, none of that. I'm such a Ford guy, but I just fucking love the way the Dodge Ram Hemi truck looks. One or the other. One or the other.

But I'm going to get some, I'll probably get the old man car. That's me, right? You're definitely an old man. I am. God damn it. You know, what do you got to do? I thought it was cool. I guess I'm not. All right. So here we go.

Unless they fuck the car up and then I'll be right back to square one. Um, look at this fucking guy. Wait a second. You are addicted to world star hip hop. Like you watch these videos constantly. Dude, it's the funniest shit ever. It's these videos constantly dude. It's the funniest shit ever It's the sickest fights. It's the funniest fucking videos And then there's all this all this rap shit that I'm never gonna fucking not see that side

I'm too out of the loop and I end up seeing like I was a guy. I like to Trinidad, uh, yes Trinidad James James. Yes, fucking that guy's a genius Yeah, he is he's totally different You don't think he is I've enjoyed a couple of his songs, but oh, what I wouldn't go that far You didn't see the fucking video where they had the things in that I look cool as shit to me They did that in the fucking the opening to that movie belly. This is not like a new concept I did that in the fucking opening to that movie, Belly. This is not like a new concept. Look, everything's been done.

You could do that to Mayak. Why are you being, yeah, he's treating everybody like a fucking waiter this week. I'm trying to give somebody a shout out who got fucked out of a record deal. You know what I mean? You know, unbelievable. Only I get to criticize shit.

I see that. All right, let's get on to the, let's go to the, let's get to the questions here for this week. All right. Daredevil, dear Billy Nunchucks. You know what Nunchucks are? Yes, Bill. That was it right there. That was it right there.

You just asked me if I knew what Nunchucks were. I just asked you. Yeah, I can't even read out loud. I'm not judging you. Fuck. All right. Last year, someone recommended you to watch Daredevil. I would like to reiterate that a year later, season two is the shit.

The Punisher fucks people up the way he should, and you actually believe the love story. Tons of cool fight scenes. Watch it with the whiskey. Not sure if Nia would love it, but this one's for you. All right, I'll give it a shot. I've heard it's really good. Well, let's watch it. Let's watch it tonight.

OK, we'll watch it. You want to have a whiskey with me? Sure. Whiskey with old Frisky over here? Sorry. Skin infection. Oh, the question everybody has not been waiting for. All right.

Dear Bill, I was hanging out with this girl and I think she gave me a, quote, skin infection. Oh no. I haven't been with anybody else. I confronted her about it and she said she didn't have any symptoms. I am 100% sure I haven't been with anyone else and I contracted it from her. She's acting like nothing happened and I didn't say I got it from her, but it's still kind of weird. Should I take my chances and get back with her or move on?

What kind of skin infection do you have? He means STD. He's just trying to be... I know. Okay. I was hanging out with this girl. I mean, if that was the only person that you had slept with in the last six months and you didn't use protection, and I mean, as long as you told her, just get treated, and

I mean, that's up to you if you want to keep banging this girl or not. Don't keep banging this girl. Yeah, probably not. Yeah. Especially if she I mean, because the thing is, she could at least be like, all right, well, let me go get tested just in case. Yeah. And then you could both be tested for everything and get treated for everything and then good. Yeah, and then go your separate ways. This is how this thing starts off. Yeah, it's not good. He obviously likes banging her. Otherwise he wouldn't be asking this question. There must not be too many prospects on the horizon if this is what it's come down to. And then I'll go to the obvious one. She's really good

at fucking because she's done it a lot. It's a lot of people. Maybe she got unlucky. Maybe she just had the gift. I don't fucking know. Jesus Christ. Well, I hope whatever you got is pure. Use protection. Go to the doctor. Get treated. Use protection. Don't be an idiot. Stop raw dogging out here. Okay. New girl. No, new car. Sorry. New car. That was like a Freudian slip. Get a new girlfriend. Get the fuck out of that thing. Oh man, dude, that's brutal.

Makes you happy to be married. All right, new car, dear Billy Blue Book, I'm in the market for a new car like yourself. I wanna get something used, something with character, but my girlfriend thinks I'm holding onto the past and I'm trying to be hip in my own way She wants me to get a Passat What do you know how much of a creepy sellout? I'd have to be to drive a Passat That is not a sexy car. Why would your girl want you to get a Passat? That's some lame

I would want you to get a sexy man car not a fucking Passat Wait, can you pull an image up of a Passat? But I also fucking drive an eight-year-old dented Prius. I know but you're I mean, I'm a frugal son of a bitch Yeah, I think it's a little bit different Why why is that different? Well, you didn't tell me to get the fucking thing You know what it is. You know what it is out there. There's so many fucking men and women out there that that Will derail your fucking dreams? Oh, wait I wonder if she wants him to get a car like a Passat,

because I feel like that's a reasonable safe car, because she's trying to get you to save up for a ring. Or an apartment or something. Yeah, look at that thing. That is not... Oh my god, that's as soulless as my car. That's the most boring ass car I've ever seen in my fucking life. That is so boring.

Get a Prius at least. It's like, what is that? A Passat? Whatever. That's horrible. And the fact that Germans made that, Germans usually fucking crush it. Well then I'm sure it's very efficient. Leave that one alone. But other than that, I'm not into it. I think the bigger thing here is what happens to a lot of people when they get into a relationship

is, look, there's definitely going to be some compromises, but when your heart's fucking racing and you want to fucking do something or the person you're with and you can see it, this is something they want, this is something they have a passion, something's going to make them happy, for you to try to fucking talk them out of it, why would you do that? She wants a ring. That's why. And she's trying to get him not to spend, I have to spend money on an older car that needs repairs and needs this and that and the other when he could be saving for a ring.

I guarantee it. That's what you're thinking? I absolutely think so. Well, if he gets a used car, isn't that cheaper than going out and getting a new Passat? What is it? I'm, what do you want to, I want to get something new, something with character, things I'm holding onto the past and trying to be hip in my own way. But does he mean use like a classic car?

He must get a classic car. Yeah, that means, yeah, something like that. She wants me to get a Passat. Right. She wants him to get a nice, cost-effective, moderate, like, we're going to have a family and a house someday, a car. That's what that's about. Read, read in between, moderate, like, we're going to have a family and a house someday. A car. That's what that's about. Read in between the lines, fellas. Read in between the lines.

I thought she was the dream catcher. You know? Dream catcher? Dream catcher is like your dream. Hey, this is my dream. And then she catches it and she puts it in her pocket. Like a dream killer. Dream killer, right. But you got to catch it first to kill it. It's like an ant. You can't kill it unless you catch it.

You just decide that things are what you want them to be. That a dream catcher is really what a dream killer is. But you have to catch it first before you kill it. Catch it before you kill it. Okay, honey. I live in my own little world over here. All right, magma. Magma. Okay, Dear Bill, have you heard about the lonesome loser?

Have you heard of Magma? I just saw them in LA. They definitely sound like some sort of fucking metal band here. I've never heard of them, but went with a friend of mine who works in post-production. The drummer is 68 and unreal. All right, I already love this band. He plays a combination of jazz and progressive style beats, tons of soul. The music is interesting and operatic. He invited his, he invented his own language and it's really out there. Please look, sum up and give your reaction on the podcast. Well, let me fucking do it really quickly. We're running out of time here. Let's see here. What do you think? You think you're going

to like it magma? I'm curious about it. I'm surprised that dude, I went, I went and I saw this crazy fucking band, Bobby Lee's, Bobby Lee's brothers in it. And I went and I saw this crazy fucking band. Like I don't, I got to the show late. I can't remember the name of the band, but they were fucking, Oh yeah. Somebody tagged me in a picture you took with one of the band members. I had the best time. They had this one. You have to look them up so you can give them a shout out. Okay. I had the best fucking time. All I remember was their fucking, their closing song was, was like the guitar was like really like thrash, thrash, thrash. And the guy just was going like,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that was, it was just so ridiculous. It was awesome and funny. And I was just going that you No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Alright, I'm already in. I kind of like it too. I would go see that. That reminds me. I feel like I totally vibe out to this kind of stuff. You know what it reminds me of? I used to go see Oznoi down in the village.

Who? Oznoi. O-Z-N-O-Y. Yeah, he used to always have like, Will Lee would be down there and Keith Karluk would sit in. He just had all these insane drummers Yeah, I love it They all look a little long in the tooth actually Do these guys are all beasts that guy the bass player looks like the cop that walked up to the guy in the fucking?

Scooter yeah, all right. Oh My god, I love these guys These guys are all beasts that guy the bass player looks like the cop that walked up to the guy in the fucking scooter Yeah, all right. Oh My god, I love these guys I'm in it's speeding up. Oh What's gonna happen? Hang on I can't leave you here we go. Let me fast forward so you don't have to sit through all this. Dude, I would just... This is when it starts getting weird.

It gets all fucking... I'm in. You know what? I feel like if we had our own version of the Andy Warhol's factory or something like that, like a big loft space downtown where we just had a bunch of our artist friends and assorted weirdos. We can have magma playing in the background and it just would make a lot of sense and weird projections. Yeah, because you could drown out all those assholes that hang around with people like that. I'm not an Andy Warhol fan on any level.

I know you're not. You don't like his art or you don't like his persona. No, I respect the originality of it, but I also just feel like a lot of it was smoke and mirrors and it was very like that hipster sort of- Oh, he's definitely like the godfather. Sort of the original of that hipster shit like, I'm going to paint a soup can. And then I could see some sort of comment on capitalism and everything and it's just like, all right. But is it really a deep comment on it because it's not moving me?

I don't know. I mean, I like Andy Warhol. I like his stuff. I feel like that was a very cool time to be in New York City during that time. I feel like I would have loved to have been a part of that scene. But, um... It just seemed to me like it was a bunch of nerds trying to be cool. Pretending like... A lot of hipsters to me were fucking... I think there were a lot of misfits that found each other and they created like their own little world and they became cool because of that that's what I think all right because there's a bunch of

like you know what I'm transgendered people and just like yeah and they're just automatically cool right they're just automatically cool can you just listen to what I'm saying like there's no asshole transgendered people can I explain to you what it was? The bringing together of all these different kinds of people and that was different in New York City. It was like a whole birth of interesting like outsider perspectives and giving them like a platform and like you're a freak and you're cool. No, no, I absolutely think so. Then like the what is wrong?

Why can't why if I have a different opinion, you got to fucking get upset. No, it's not that you have a different opinion is that you literally didn't even let me finish my thought before you just hopped on that whole thing. And that just makes me sound dumb. I interrupt. I interrupt. It's what I do. Fine.

You're taking this way too seriously. Do I have any sort of artistic style? Look at me. Look like I'm in a Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm gonna sit here and criticize fucking Andy Warhol. Who the fuck am I? Oh yeah, I took an Elvis cover that somebody else already created, then I painted red and blue stripes across it. Andy Warhol could have very easily made that poster. That's the kind of stuff that he made. Actually, there is a poster of him and Jean-Michel Basquiat. That was kind of like some of the intone. What, my tour poster?

Yeah, like the kind of battle of them boxing and stuff. That poster could 100% have been what Andy Warhol did, if you were famous back in the day. That's all I'm saying. So you're saying he's not original? I'm saying the person that did that, perhaps, is not. What, putting a head on something? Was he the first guy that used the first guy with Photoshop shit? There's a whole style to that poster, which is really cool, by the way. And it reminds me a little bit of what Warhol might have done. That's

all I'm saying. All right. What's the last time you even went to a museum though? Like, let's be honest about your- I don't like them. I really don't like it. Look, if it's a bunch of old cars, if it's paintings- If it's old cars. If it's paintings, cars, you know, there's a big debate actually in the art community, are automobiles works of art.

And they took Ralph Lauren's car collection and they stuck it in one of those fucking stuck up museums there. Moma, whatever the fuck it is, Museum of Natural History. I don't think they put it in the Museum of Natural History. The fucking Le Zin Rendez-vous on Fifth Avenue, whatever the fuck it's called. Every other fucking broad I dated in New York, that was always the first date. Like they, oh, let's go to a museum. It's like, will you stop acting like you're smart?

Stop doing this. Just cause you're dumb doesn't mean that they're trying to be smart. Oh, for fuck's sake. So let's just go out and get a drink and see if we can deal with each other. I got to go fucking sit there and stand next to you in silence, reading shit about dinosaur bones. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. I'll meet you there.

No, I don't like them. I don't like... One of the worst museums I ever went to was when we were in Vatican City, and we should have gone to the right just to look at that overrated painting on the fucking ceiling We went to the I just want to can we just pause and I just they know what I'm talking about They know about the Sistine Chapel so Fucking overrated Sizing the art that was in the Vatican like this art. That's like hundreds upon hundreds Yeah, I'll tell you what I don't know. Like this amazing.

If I bought that building. Historical fucking art. If I bought that building, the Sistine Chapel, I would turn that into a cigar room and I would let that smoke go right up into that overrated. Dude, they make it seem like it's fucking huge. There's no way it took that long. Bill, you went in there and you looked at it for like five seconds and then you were like ready to get a fucking panini.

Bullshit. I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you that fucking guy, you know what he was? He was like the original contractor. They said, hey, can you paint my ceiling? Yeah, yeah, this will be easy. I'll have this done in like three fucking weeks. Fucking four years later.

Yeah, well, the fucking, the green paints on back order. He's got 20 other ceants. He's fucking working on You can't tell me when you went through the whole Vatican thing and you watched every fucking vestiment That every goddamn Pope wore like after a while you like I get it They all wore these ponchos with a cross on it. I was fascinated by it because I love religious art Okay What about sexual assault? Was fascinated by it because I love religious art. Oh, okay What about sexual assault? What about it? I'm fucking 800 pound gorilla. Why didn't they have a little something about that in there?

Yeah, cuz I kind of want yeah, that would have ruined the Well, it was an art the way they hit all those pedophiles all those years That's an art form to be moving all those chess pieces around while still collecting the money and not paying taxes. What does that have to do with the art that we're talking about seeing at the Vatican? Well if I was to talk about a certain somebody's sitcom right now, I think you would bring up some of his offstage behavior. Are we talking about Cosby? No we're talking about fucking slappy white. The priests aren't the ones that were painting the fucking Sistine Chapel, Bill.

No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about when we looked at every fucking fork and chalice that Pope John Paul the fucking 58th. When you go into the Sistine Chapel, which admittedly I thought was the 16th Chapel. Did you really? You don't remember that? We were staying in line.

Remember I said, you know what I would do because this line is so fucking long. If I lived here, I would open a bar across the street and I would call it the 17th Chapel. And you're like, why would you call it that? I was like, you know, the 16th Chapel, the 17th Chapel. And you just looked at me and your eyes narrowed and you said, Bill, it's the Sistine Chapel.

And I said, oh. And that's my story about Rome. Alrighty. Fuck all you guys. 47 years old, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not into that shit. Okay. You know?

Okay. See that? Look at you. You're an angel. You can see through my stupidity. You don't have to be into it. I still love you. You're still a good guy. It's still, you know. What? But the reality is that there are certain things that are common knowledge. I really should have known that. I would think so, but I bet a lot of people think it's the 16th chapel.

You know something? I don't get embarrassed by shit like that. You really don't. No. Yeah, I thought it was the 16th. I didn't know it was the 16 And then every go my god, it's assisting. It's like did is anything in there from something that you created Then shut up. What are you?

That was the Apollo 13 mission. Oh really you a fucking astronaut You're just sitting in this diner with me getting fucking eggs, aren't you? And they're not the farmer's market ones either. Is this why you don't like the museums? Do you feel like there's a pretension in people who like art and stuff like that? It's too much fucking shit. It's too much reading. It's too much reading.

Oh my God. And it just keeps going and going and going. And then there's people whispering. Oh my God, look at this up here. Shhh. That's what happened to me in the Sistine Chapel. When we walked in there, I was just like, wow, it's kind of small. And they went shhh. Oh, I wanted to put that guy's head right through the fucking stained glass window. We were in a church, so it's like a holy place. So, you know, you got to keep it. Well, I would think they were on a certain level of noise to drown out the children's screams in the basement. Oh my God. They deserve it. Fuck them pieces of shit.

Um, we can't end on that. Why isn't the dog coming in here? I'm a little concerned. Oh Cleo! Because she's uh. Oh the doors are closed. Oh poor thing she's right there right? Baby? Alright that's the podcast for this week I'll check in on ya. Oh she was sleeping. On Thursday. What's that? Oh she was sleeping okay cool All right. She was just sleeping. Well, thank you for hanging out on the podcast. Thanks for having me. All right. I'm glad you came by. I don't think those stories of people falling off shit would have been as funny. I had somebody to bounce it off of. Oh, look who's here. Hi, Sleepy.

The old gray bear. Yeah. Our senior dog. I know. We just realized our dog's a senior now. She's eight and a a half years old starting to get a little bit of white in her face. Yeah. That made me sad and it made me happy. You know she had a rough first year and a half and she's just been fucking chilling ever since. Haven't you Cleo? She looks great though and she's still adorable. She's still our little baby no matter what. I think she ought to pay rent at this point.

All right, that's it. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday. Once again, seriously, man, thank you to everybody that came out this weekend for those shifts. They're scratching. The shows at Riverside and the Terrace Theater. And I want to thank Dean Del Ray for crushing it both nights. And that's it. I got Canada coming up later on this week. I'm going to be in Ontario. I mean, where? Ottawa and a bunch of places. I think Windsor. I have no idea. They're all on my website. I'm bringing, oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. I better hit the fucking treadmill because I'm bringing fucking the pride of New Jersey, Paul Verzi and the godfather of the Rose Bowl tailgate, Joe Bartnik himself.

He's going to be coming along too. And it's going to be a killer fucking show. All right. That's it. I'll talk to you guys later. that n***a say it's impossible but when I swing my swords they all choppable I be the body dropper the heartbeat stopper child educator plus head infotainer cause n***a styles are old like Mark V sneakers

lyrics are weak like clock radio speakers don't even stop at my station and attack while you're playing bell with the rep like Amtrak what the fuck for? damn my law make law I be justice I sit and stand ass 2 to 4 ram the clock to the state pen time I'm low key like seashells, I rock these bells.