Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-16

Episode Date: March 3, 2016

Bill rambles about Christopher Cross, employment in Afghanistan and the late train.

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Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Come on. I can't fucking hear myself. What am I going to plug this in right here? Can I hear myself? There we go. Now I can hear myself. You know, can't hear myself. It's like I was talking about what I bought with Dean Delray last night outside the comedy store. He was talking to me about how, you know, you know, like when singers get old, they can't, you know, they can't sing the way they used to.

Right. Jesus, this is going to be a long way. You know, like I was watching Christopher Cross last night, you know, my wife, I came home and Neil was cranking, you know, sailing, sailing away. I'm going to another boat, whatever the fuck he says. Cause I ride, ride like the wind, ride like the wind. Right. Listen to that shit. Cause I got such a long way to go. Such a long way. Listen to that shit. So she was sitting there talking. Oh, fuck it. I'll just keep going on this thing and I'll get back to Dean in a minute.

She kept talking about, she goes, what kind of like fucking music is this? Like is this like sort of, you know, she was saying it was sort of disco-y. I'm like, there really isn't. It's sort of post disco. What would you call that adult contemporary? You know, cause I ride, cause I ride, ride like the wind. And then cause I got such a long way to go. And they always have like the fucking like really like, like the session musicians, they're like so good. It's, it just doesn't sound like it's even alive.

I like the music, but just some of the shit. Like the drummer was amazing on those fucking, it's just too slick. You know, I don't know what the fuck it is, but anyways, I was talking to Dean and we were talking about, I hate when people like bitch, when a singer gets old and then he can't sing the way he used to. And it's just like, well, yeah, cause back in the day they used to sing like Robert Plank gets a ton of shit. It's like, dude, you go sing the fucking immigrant song every night for fucking a two year tour. You're done. Right. If you watch, I'm not saying he can't sing now, but I mean, what do you want from the guy? He's out there drinking booze, he's smoking cigarettes and he's fucking singing every goddamn night as opposed to these modern day people

who learn from the other guys the same way. No drummer drives a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool anymore. All right. Did I almost say swimming pool swimming pool? Right. Nobody drowns in their own vomit anymore. It happens every once in a while. It fucking happens, but you know, you'll learn. It's like when I came in, when I came into this business, I saw a bunch of comics from the 80s that didn't pay taxes and fucking sent it all up their nose and they had their wages garnished and it was like they were on punishment for like 10 years. So my wave of comics, you know, stayed away from the blow and the booze and that type of shit.

And then what was funny, I got about 15 years into this shit and I noticed that people started partying again, you know, just because they probably looked at us like we were sitting there like we were part of the Osmond family, you know. So then another thing that they say is, oh, wow, did you see so and so, man, he got old. Oh, wow, she got old and that always bugs me. It's just like, well, what the fuck happened to you? You're not losing your looks. Look at that. You say that enough and now look at all these fucking celebrities. They're walking around, they're getting their fucking lips inflated. They're getting that goddamn Botox, you know, injected in their face so they can be like laminated, have that nice shiny face.

Because nothing says youth like a shiny, unmoving face, right? I don't know how the hell I got into that. I am going to go see a, I'm going to go to a rock concert tomorrow night. I'm going to a mute. I don't even know what the kids call them nowadays. I'm going to go see mute math tomorrow night. Very excited about that. It makes me feel like I'm somewhat not an old guy to be going to this thing. And I'm so old, I can't even like classify what their music is.

Because I had, I was hanging with Dean last night, a couple other people, a couple other oldies like myself. We were all just coming to the realization that rock music is, it's dead. It's just, it's dead and there's nothing we can do and it's, you know, it's not coming back. And if somebody tries to bring it back, they'll be considered retro, right? Am I out of my fucking mind, but it's over. So last time you saw somebody play in a guitar and I don't mean some flamenco fucking shit or doing your acoustic version of a rap song. I don't fucking mean that. I mean, like just somebody, I don't know. I know there's a lot of people scratching their heads going, well, what about all that death metal and all that shit?

I, of course, I'm not, I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about any, anything. I'm just talking about basically I'm just an old man wondering where the hair metal went. 30 years after it died, 36 years maybe after it fucking died. I'm just an old man rambling on a podcast. Don't judge me. Huh? What about you? What are you doing right now? You sitting in traffic, right? Your little fucking car, drive over a puddle and the fucking water comes up through the floorboards. You're judging me? You think I haven't been there? Fucking with you. So last night the show was Dean Delray, just a sick fucking show.

David Tell popped in who once again, every time I see that guy perform stand up, it's just, I talked to Bartnick. And I was like, is he ever not going to be the best? And there's no way for me to say what he says or else I burn his jokes. He's just like, he's one of those guys that he has me die in laughing and half half his set. I mean, the dying laughing or I'm just standing there just, just watching him just shaking my head. Like, how the fuck do you come up with that stuff? So what I guess what I'm saying here is I like Christopher Cross. And if you have a chance, go see David Tell. I think that that was the purpose of the first six minutes, right?

Is that what it is? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus, I didn't tell you this, man. Like, I was traveling a lot and I was I was eating really poorly. My last trip there when I was in Fox Woods, right, got to town early, visited, visited a friend of mine. Unfortunately, it was in the hospital, but it's now out. And, you know, so I was eating like shit that day. And then I fucking went up to Fox Woods and I ordered room service. Then I lied to myself that I was going to work out.

It on Sunday, when I could have worked out, I went to the Yukon game with Verzi. Verzi hooked me up with the ticket, the gentleman that he is. And I went there and I like shit. So, you know, you combine eating like shit and then getting on a plane for six hours and not drinking enough water. And then all of a sudden, you know, the train's not coming out of the station. So, you know, one day the train doesn't come and it's like, maybe it'll come the next day. It doesn't come the next day. And then the third day, you know, I'm like, what the fuck?

The train never comes again. Then the station dies. So I start thinking, I got to go to fucking, you know, I got to go to a pharmacy and get a stool, soft, right? All that shit. But then I just got all paranoid. And I was just like, you know something? The thing about the corporations is that they don't want to just get you.

They want to get you hooked and they want to have you keep coming back. So I got, I really started thinking about it going like, oh, wait a minute. If I go down and I take this stuff, there'll probably be something in there, in the little pill that tells my digestive tract to just stand down. Yeah, we don't need you anymore. Don't worry. We got it. All right.

Daddy's home. He's going to take care of everything. And then I'm going to become hooked on these fucking pills. And then I'm going to be one of those guys, you see, having to eat blueberries every morning for fucking breakfast, trying to turn his system around, not realizing that he's fucking himself out because he went fucking himself over because he's eating them fucking pills every day. He's going out getting them fucking pills, right? So Old Freckles uses his brain.

It's like, there's no way that Julius Caesar had never had a problem taking a shit. And I know that there was no CVS pharmacy for him to go to. So I just looked up natural, natural cures and I found one that worked for Old Freckles. I know this is gross, but it's a really important thing. I went out, okay, it's a teaspoon of olive oil and then you squeeze some lemon in it. You do it on an empty stomach and you fucking, you know, you do a shot of it in the morning. And the only thing I can compare it to as far as how well it worked. You guys ever watch Gas Monkey Garage and they get some old fucking car and they haven't turned over the engine in a while?

All right. So what do they do? They take off the fucking the air filter housing all that shit. They got that shit. They spray into the carburetor. They open the butterfly and they have it wide open. They go, all right, give it a shot and the guy turns it over. The fucking thing starts right up.

That's basically what I did, you know, teaspoon of olive oil and some lemon. You do a shot of that on an empty stomach. I mean, you're fucking on good. You're all good. You're on fucking grease rails for the rest of the day. I stand by it. I'm Bill Burr and I fucking, I stand by this and I approve of this message. Oh my God.

Just what nobody wanted, or at least I didn't want. It's down to Hillary and Donald fucking Trump. Unfucking believable. How do we get here? You know what? Cuz we ride, ride like the wind. Unbelievable. And I don't know who to fucking vote for.

Those are gonna be my two choices. I'm not doing it. You know what I mean? Even though I didn't agree with everything that Bernie Sanders wanted to do, I have to vote for a guy that went outside the usual fucking places to get his money for his campaign just to fucking encourage somebody else to do that. And I really can't stand when people say that that's a waste of a vote. I don't think it is because I think each time each election, a guy like that gets a little bit further.

And I actually think it's great that the Democrats and Republicans, the best that they can come up with at this point is Hillary Clinton and fucking Donald Trump. I mean, Jesus, oh Jesus, this is fucking, I don't really think there's a lesser of too evil here. I just, I just, it's, you ever sit in the last row of a plane, you know, and they're serving the breakfast and they're just like, all right, your choices today are a ham and cheese omelet or a bucket of shit with granola, right? And you're like, ah, fuck. And then they go, and you're like, oh, fuck it. I'm going with the fucking ham and cheese omelet.

There's no choice here. It's not even a choice, right? We do have a limited selection of the breakfasts. So we apologize. If when we get to you, what you want is not available to me like I'm fucked and you just sit in there is every row. You just hit a leg. I just have a ham and cheese omelet. Ham and cheese omelet.

Okay. If you said ham and cheese omelet, you know, everyone wants it a while. There's some martyr that goes there. I'll take the bucket of shit, right? And then by the time it gets to you, you know, they're all gone. You even heard us say, I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry, man. We don't have any more ham and cheese omelets.

I understand. I understand you have said, but I don't choose how many ham and cheese omelets are on this flight. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. Well, please go to americanairlines.com.org.net and area grievances there and our robot will get back to you, right? So then they come up to you. And of course, you just have to go. Sir, all we have left is the bucket of shit. Would you like that with the granola?

The granola kind of takes the edge off of the shit. Would that be okay? And you still have to sit there and be like, you just drag her through it, even though it's not her fault. You know, you don't have what happened to ham and cheese omelet. You don't have any of that. You just started curiosity. Did you ever start at the back row and work your way to the front just to kind of even it out? You know, you never do that.

How come you always start up front and work your way back to that poor excuse of a kitchen? Why do you do that? You know what I mean? So I thought that this was all coach. Evidently, there isn't. Evidently, there's the ham and cheese part of coach in the bucket of shit. Sir, why are you being hostile? 9-11, save the terrorists.

Save the terrorists. Fight the terrorists. So anyways, how the fuck did I get into that? What was I talking about? I don't know. I was talking about, oh yeah, the fucking election. Jesus, I got so lost in doing that. I didn't remember what I was talking about.

Yeah, that's basically what we're left with. We're basically sitting in the last row middle seat right next to the bathroom on a DC 9. You know, you can't even look out the window and the engine is just blocking it. And if you're like me, you heard of the story the one time the engine failed on the tarmac. Thank God. But a piece of it flew through the fuselage and into this woman's head and killed her. That's what I always think about. But you know what?

I also do it's because, you know, I didn't really look it up. Somebody just said it to me. But last night I did look something up because someone was trying to tell me that some comedian, actually an American comedian, went to Dubai and had a little bit of coke in their fucking suitcase that they forgot about. Got caught with it and got automatic 10 years. And I'm just like, I go, what an American comic? And they were like, yeah, yeah, dude, American comic, guys fucked. Nobody had a name, no nothing.

And I looked it up and for the life of me, I can't find it. You know, what I did find was that there was this fucking half Iranian, half Swedish male model who got busted with some sick amount of coke. Somehow got a life sentence. They didn't kill him, but they did kind of reduce it down to 10 years. So he's got 10 years. So he made a rap song in jail like that. Remember that guy, Shine, who was with JLo and Puffy. I'm going way back to the 1990s when people still watch music videos.

Maybe it was year 2000, right? And what's his face? Used to do the TV show. Oh God, what was it called? Carson Daly used to do that show. The top 40 fucking videos, whatever the fuck it was called. And remember Shine did the fucking, he made a song over the Rikers Island phone. This guy did the same fucking thing.

And I got to admit like, yeah, I don't know. I didn't have sympathy for the guy, which is weird. It's odd for me. I was just, you know what it was? Because he was acting like Pete Rose. It was still all about him. He was like, I didn't have any drugs in my system. I was blah, blah, blah.

It's like, yeah, but you were going to distribute the shit, you cunt. And he didn't give a fuck what happened to those people. You're trying to make some money. You knew what the fine was. You rolled the dice and you fucking lost. What kind of an asshole goes anywhere in Asia with drugs? You're out of your fucking mind. You're out of your fucking mind.

You're done. It's fucking over. They have a zero tolerance. The only thing they do is make the drugs and ship it over here for some fucking reason. That's what I don't get. If you get caught with drugs over there, you're completely fucked. But God damn it, they will make some in a minute, right? Well, I guess that's Afghanistan.

Afghanistan is kind of the Wild West, right? You think the fact that we've been at war with them for almost a decade and a half, you think that I would fucking know a little something about him? I don't. What do I know about those guys? Well, who's the number one band in Afghanistan? You know what I mean? I love to hear what the fuck they would sing about, man.

That must be amazing. You know, just rebelling against your parents. Are your parents want you to take over the fucking opium den or what are they called? The opiate farm. You know, I have a dream. I don't want to do that. I want to fucking, I don't know what I want to do. I want to, uh, I want to raise llamas.

What are your career? You know what? I'm going to look that up right now. Career options in Afghanistan. You know, they got to have a DeVry over there. One of those SUNY fucking SUNY Delhi fucking schools over, you know, just one of those schools. They just have to, you know, just give people like, yeah, here you go. Anybody can get into this.

We get it. You just want to say you went to college. All right. Career options. This is probably going to put me on a list. Afghanistan. I went AF and then I lost my, my nerve and I went APH. That's not AFGHAN, GAN is Stan.

Holy shit. I spelled it right. Jobs in Afghanistan. Danger zone jobs. I went to the danger zone. Got my skin peeled off while I was still alive. Building fucking Starbucks. Getting your head set off.

All right. Afghanistan jobs. Employment. All right. Career options. Afghanistan for natives. This is still going to be US based up opportunities. Trump dangers for Indians in Afghanistan.

All right. Well, this, this got us out of America. Let's read about this. Somebody decided not to be a tele, telemarketer, right? Or a customer service guy leaves India and goes into Afghanistan. All right. I can't even read this person's name, but out of respect, I'm going to spell it. B-A-N-U-C-H-A-N-D-A-R.

Ben Uchandar. Last name. R-A-J-E-N-D-R-A-N. Jesus Christ. If that was ever on Wheel of Fortune and you bought a vowel and you said A, if you couldn't solve that. What even then, if you didn't have any consonants, you'd be that idiot trying to solve it out, going A-A-A-A-A-A-A.

Ben, oh, we're sorry. Can I get a B please, Pat? I'd like to solve it. Ben Uchandar. R-A-J-E-N-D-R-A-N. Giddy is fucking prizes ever on Wheel of Fortune. So it's for $700. I'll take the brass bed frame.

They always add the brass bed frame and like a fucking grandfather clock. It's like, what am I fucking 90? Do you got anything from this century? For $40, I'll take the milkmaid. For $17, I'll take the butter churner. Let's see, I guess, what do I have left? $7. For $7, I'll take the tea cup set.

And I'll take a polio shot and the rest of it on gift certificate. Thank you. All right. Kabul, Afghanistan. I'm a challenger. I ran a challenger. An Indian from the town of... All right, this is the town he's from.

USIL. You sell lamb patty. And tamil nandu. Is it weird that that made me want to get some Indian food? Is there anything better than garlic naan? I don't know. Spent a lonely Independence Day on August 15th at a Sikh temple in Kabul where he had taken refuge after his Afghan visa expired.

Well, how the fuck do you let that happen? Mr. Rander, who came to Afghanistan on the promise of a job as a security guard in an American military base for $800 every month, had been swindled out of 150,000 rupees or 2,300 bucks by his employment agent in India. Oh, it's filthy, you know. After paying the money and waiting here for three months, the 28-year-old found out that there was no job and was left with just enough money for his phone and his cigarette.

Oh, my God. Jesus fucking Christ. Do people in like Asia just laugh at American movies like our ideas of what trouble is? Can you imagine that? Can you imagine somebody just said, hey, you want a job in Afghanistan and you go, yeah, I'll fucking do that? I feel like there's a lot of American military right now

nodding their heads like, yeah, we know what that's like. Yeah, you get there and it's not what they promised. Absolutely. You show up, you think you're going to be a hero and then they tell you you got to buy your own uniform. After paying the money, wait, there was no fucking job. He's got enough money for phone and cigarettes. Wow, dude, that is just, that is next level evil.

The Indian embassy in Kabul said that as of mid-August, 70 distressed Indians, that's the way they put it, right? Like post-traumatic stress syndrome. Instead of the classic George Carlin bit shell-shocked, right? Who were similarly abandoned and were sent back to India. Oh, they were sent back. Oh, thank God. Last year, they were 160.

Oh, so I see where this evil guy goes. He goes, well, look, then we fuck them over and then they get freaked out, but then they just go to the embassy and then they pay for it. You know, fuck you. I'm paying my taxes. These guys will be alright. Then they justify it, right? Then they go out and they buy themselves, you know,

some shiny shoes in a car. The Afghan Sikhs had given many of the Indians refuge in their temple in Kabul, described them as mostly poor folk who had taken loans and sold off land to pay commission to fraudulent employment agents. They came with the hope of earning double the money paid for low-skilled jobs in India. Dude, do you know when I landed in Dubai when I connected there with no cocaine in my fucking suitcase? Do you know that somebody told me that, you know,

there's basically these slave labor camps that built Dubai and a lot of them were people from India and they get promised, yeah, you come over here, you know, the poorest of the poor, come over here, you're going to make like fucking nine zillion dollars, you're going to have a PlayStation and then when you go back, you know, whatever, you can bring your family over here and all that. And they show up and the first thing they do is they confiscate their fucking passports and these people just, they can't leave and they just become slaves.

And the number one cause of death is like suicide. You know what I mean? Controversy at the Oscars. I want, I want to play a plumber. American Troubles. Fucking unbelievable. Unfucking believable, man. Well, I'm glad this person got back. Jesus Christ.

Like that's the type of shit, you know. Do you remember that show Arrested Abroad? I remember back in the day on the, the Opian Anthony program, the tragically now gone Opian Anthony program. One of the great radio shows of all fucking time. I remember we were talking about that and we were watching that Arrested Abroad, which just made you never want to travel outside of the United States again. Or who's kidding who, you know, they made it really fucking racial.

It was just like your white stay in the white zone. You can go to England. You can go to Canada. Do not go south of San Diego or you are on your own. Right? But at the end of the day, as much as these people were like fucking, you know, in jail, they always, you know, most of them did something extremely fucking stupid. Where, you know, they, they went out and bought platform shoes and hauled them out

and put a bunch of fucking, you know, heroin in there and a couple of baggies of coke up their ass. And it's just like, do you never saw Midnight Express? If you can find that clip, I remember a long time ago. We kept riffing on that, that Irish guy would just go, you know, when he got busted, he just, you know, I just kept thinking, what have I done? I mean, what have you done? You fucking, you fucked yourself over, you dope. I don't know.

I don't know how fucked up is your life that like that's your option? You know, like that sounds good. Like, I mean, thank God, I just out of sheer dumb fucking luck landed in the skin I have in the country. I mean, like I really got, I got dealt, you know, a fucking an ace and a 10. I really did. I've totally lucked out. You know what I mean? If somebody ever came up to me and was just like, hey, do you want to put some heroin in your ass

and try to make it across the border? It's just, it's an emphatic definite. No, final answer, final answer. No, no, I'm good. I'm fucking good. Don't need to do that. You know, dude, I would go back to having a fucking paper like I did in the third grade right through freshman year. To be honest with you, I would actually do that job again.

You know, get a nice workout in the morning. If I didn't live in a fucking city, I would be a paper boy in a fucking second. It was fucking great. You got up before everybody else. It was really peaceful, it's quiet, fucking birds were chirping. Yeah, you had to deal with the weather, but that's what made you a fucking man. You know, you put on your poncho, right? You put on your thick socks.

Fucking nostrils freezing together. Oh God, it was brutal. I never, there was nothing fucking better than when back when there were actually four seasons on the east coast. When the springtime came and you got up in the morning and you didn't have to wear a jacket. I cannot even describe to you how fucking unbelievable that was. And the same way the ominous feeling is when it first started getting cold and you're like, ah, fuck, here comes another one. I told you this story before and I had this bike, this fucking, it was basically one of those beach bikes with white wall tires. I was always a sucker for fucking white walls.

And I did, I sort of pointed at the bike, making fun of it. My dad loved it and he grew up in the fifties, right? Oh yeah, we got big tires right there. Those big fucking Pee Wee Herman bikes. So I bought the bike and everybody was laughing at me. All my friends had these, you know, pre like fucking, we're all those fucking BMX bikes. It was pre BMX was all, everything was all about Schwinn, the Apollo three speed. They all had these cool bikes and I had this giant fucking pre Pee Wee Herman, Pee Wee Herman fucking bike.

And I remember one time my older brother took it and everyone was laughing and he wrote it down the driveway as fast as he could. And the tires were so big and thick that when he fucking locked him up, it actually made the sound of a car. I went like, and then everybody thought the bike was cool. And then they would, you know, that's how I ended up fitting in. People will come, oh, look at that stupid fucking bike. And all I had to do is lock him up once and then they laughed and thought it was cool. And it was all right. You know, they look past my orange hair and my freckles. And that's the way it was 1976.

Anyways, yeah, I would do that job in a fucking second somewhere along the line. It became an adults job. There was a combination of when, you know, we finally addressed the fact that there was sexual predators out there. And then also the shows made you feel like there was one behind every fucking tree. So anyways, yes, so that went out the fuck. And you know, the economy went to shit and it became an adults job. But anyways, let me read the, let me read the fucking. What the hell is it? Let me do the live reads.

Hey, oh sailing away. Come on, come on, come over here and sing some Christopher Cross. I'll do the Christopher Cross part. You do the, you do the, your boy there, Michael McDonald, do that part, right? Cause I ride, ride like the wind, something, it's something. And now it's time for the Michael McDonald fucking part. Ride, ride like the wind. No, really.

Cause I got such a long way to go. Wait, is that it? No, it goes, cause I got such a long way to go. Cause I got such a long way to go. Cause I got such a long way to go. Such a long way, such a long way. Sorry. Every once in a while, it has to just be for us.

Yeah, sorry. Christopher Cross, right? He was a big fan of him. Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Fallon's had him on, he had him on his, when he took over for Conan, then he has, he had him on the tonight show. Yeah. Like, yeah, I can't find, it was most annoying. Cause you hate that.

You do it all the time now. Yeah. That was the most annoying. Stop doing that. That was magic Johnson's son. EJ. EJ. And when he was talking about, I'm not saying he's a bad person,

but like, he's just like, cause people just walk around and get excited about sunglasses and shoes and shit. It's just like, that's the big fucking thing. The material, oh yeah. The materialism. When people were like, yeah, Sonny's sleigh. Yeah. No, it's fucking, it's like gross.

Look, I respect somebody that has style. Yeah. Like when we were watching, come on, come over to the microphone. When you, you taped a Chappelle's shows block party, right? Yes. Great fucking film. Yeah. So we watched that.

And when Lauren Hill came out, right? Oh my God. Yeah. Crazy. Exactly. Great stuff. But she doesn't sit around talking about her shoes. She goes out and crushes it and sinks this fucking sock.

Okay. But for someone to just sit there and just sit there talking and be excited about blazers and fucking sock garters and shit. It's just, I don't know. And then you're like, just like your days. Oh, we're going to go out and go shop for five fucking hours. I don't understand. You what?

I said I love it. Hey, by the way, you know something I'm going to fucking, I'm going to handle the garage. Okay. Because, you know, no, because you keep poo-pooing the whole thing. No, I understand why. Yeah. You know, something, if it was a common era, if it was a common area,

you would be excited. You think I'm not interested in having a little gym here at the house. I think that's a great idea. Who wouldn't want to have their own little gym so they don't have to go out to work out. Okay. Now did you guys hear what she just said? How did she describe it twice?

Little. Your little gym. Yeah, you guys. Yeah. Will Silvence used to have that bit. Who's joke is that? That was Will Silvence. I'm saying.

I see in your, your little Mercedes with your little Rolex taking me down. I'm not taking you down. I'm just telling you. You know, your calm tone is like when a pilot just goes through turbulence and even he's scared, but he doesn't want to scare you. So he just speaks in that calm tone. I really hate when you reference yourself. I really hate when you reference your own.

What am I supposed to do? I don't know. It's who I am. I don't know. But to reference your own self is like so annoying. And so cause I'm going to redo the garage. I don't give a fuck. Because you won't fucking help me out.

No, you won't help me out. All right. Let's get into the, the advertising for this week. First of all, if you think you're going to be this, I'm building a man's gym. This isn't going to be out there with like, like fucking, uh, ooh, you had a baby girl fucking wrist weights, your pink fucking getting shape girl weights. It's not going to be that itching to beat the band. It's crazy.

You gave her her allergy pill this morning. No, I actually forgot to. Did you really? Can you come over to the mic so people don't have to lean forward into their dashboard as they're driving here. People can hear it. You're the only one who screams into a microphone, like completely defeating the purpose of why a microphone exists.

I'm the only one who was screamed into a microphone. No, but. All right, then. Anyway. Oh yeah. So what I found, what I want here is, uh, rogue fitness. Gee, it would be nice if rogue fitness would trade some equipment for some free advertising. Who said that?

RML 3 W fold back wall mount rack. Say it again. The rogue RML 3 W fold back wall mount rack made in the USA. This is what's great. It can fold back into the wall. So if you have a small garage like me that's built for a fucking, you know, 1928 model T Ford, if there was one, some gear has me. Oh, it's just continued in 1927.

I don't care. I don't make them. Um, what's great is it has a pull up bar on it. It's got it. You can, you can move the thing up and you can do squats. Nobody does their legs from my generation. It's all about the upper body. What are you doing today?

Chest and body back and tries. You ever going to do your legs? Dude, I walk around all the time. Why is that? Why, why, why do certain guys have like these little chicken legs and these huge upper bodies? What is that about? Is that like that's a deliberate style? Like they're doing that on purpose.

No. What it is is when you walk up to the sink and you flex in the mirror, you're from your waist down is below the vanity. So you can't see out of proportion you are. Yeah. Plus legs, it's not sexy. It's not fun. It's hard.

It's work. Everybody. You go to any fucking gym in the world. If you want to go bench press, if there's two people in there, there's only going to be two benches and they're both going to be occupied. That's all guys do. Every guy, there's a zillion exercises, but every guy goes over the bench press. What are you putting up?

Well, we're going to do 25. I mean, four good times, right? But all that other shit, there's very few people that actually when you go to the gym, have like a proportion body. The ladies are all about the squats and everything because that's your, that's your problem area. It's the biggest part of your body is the legs. Yeah. And actually, if you build up your thighs, you'll build it.

That's the biggest muscle. It allegedly burns enough fat and I can get rid of my C belly here. C belly. I was trying to be a gentleman. Nothing. And I got a freckled con belly. Such a con belly. Nothing.

You're dumb. I'm not dumb. There's a lot of CV for this thing. Huh? A pooch. I got a baby bump. I got it. I got it.

Um, too much folk and gobble ghoul. Yeah. Okay. There's a lot of good reviews for this thing. Yeah. I got four stars or is that five? Five stars. Five stars.

Yeah. Have you researched it? I'm going to handle all of it. You tapped out this morning. All right. Fine. Fine. You handle it.

You let me handle it. And I'll let you know how it is. And when I walk around and I'm shredded and I'm proportioned, you're going to be like, you know what? God damn it. I was wrong. And I'll say, I forgive you. Are you going to put up a mirror somewhere so you can watch yourself while you shred?

See what, see what she's doing. Your little jam. You're going to put a mirror up. I'll be right back. You're scared, Nia. You're scared of what I'm going to become. Oh God. All right.

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I'm only supposed to do a half hour here. I'm working overtime and I'm on salary. All right. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll talk to you on Monday. Here's some more music from Andrew Thamelis. And he's the reason why I know about mute math. And I'm very excited.

I'm going to take the lovely Nia there. I'll see you guys in the crowd. Huh? Did I miss most of the podcasts? Yeah, unless you want to do a little bonus time here. How about you, Cleo? You want to do some bonus time? Oh, Cleo.

Yes. Night kisses. Hello, buddy. She's going to go get everything. Get down. Get down. Go lay down. Cleo, go on.

Yeah, step right on it. Yep, step right on it. There you go. Get over on your bed. Get over there. Go on. Go on, mama. Lay down.

Did you talk about the Oscars? No. I talked about the Oscars the last time. What did you talk about? I was talking about how white people fucking crushed it again this year. I mean, I don't really have it. Are you allowed to be proud as a white male, heterosexual? Sure.

In your faces, other people. Sure. I don't, I actually don't have anything else to contribute to stuff. You don't have anything else to contribute? I wrapped up the podcast. I thought I did. Sorry. No, I got all excited and I realized I got nothing.

No, I thought Chris Rock's monologue was fucking tremendous. I thought he addressed it and I thought it was well-balanced. And then he's like, yeah, we're just looking for an opportunity. You can't get mad at that. You know? No. It is funny watching adults wanting to win a trophy though. That is funny to me.

Crying. Anyway. You'd like to be nominated for an Oscar, though, wouldn't you? What's that? You just crush it in a movie and there was talk at the studio and stuff of you being nominated and they wanted you to do a campaign and all that kind of stuff. I would like to be the guy that everybody says should have got nominated and then didn't. So then everybody feels bad for you but you don't have to campaign or go to the show.

That's the sweet spot. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah, you don't want to be the guy that gets fucking nominated. Then you go to sit there with the camera on your face. It's the guy with the fucking, what's that fucking kettle drum? Right? Like the timpani.

It's just like they're not going to give it to me. Look at me. I'm a balding fractal fuck, right? And then they give it to the guy with the square jaw. Then he goes up there and I sit there going, I got such a long way to go. Such a long way to go. All right. We're killing this.

It was funny fucking 12 minutes ago. The first 58 times we did it. Yeah, that's what I would like to be. All right. You want to be the guy that people said got fucked over because then people feel like you're still theirs. You like the underground band. Is that what you're going for?

Yeah. Keep putting your eyebrows up like I haven't figured out this fucking business. I have all these douches who get nominated. The next thing you know, they're fucking doing crest commercials and they're sitting courtside on the fucking game and then people get annoyed because they start seeing them when they shouldn't be seeing them. And then you just fucking everywhere. And it's just like, there's a hole in the ozone layer.

Hey, guy from this fucking movie. What do you think about it? Oh, I think the constituents. And you're just like, why am I listening to this guy from the reboot of Brady Bunch talking about what we should do in Afghanistan? And then you jump the shark and you're done. You want to be the guy that people are going like, he got fucked man. That movie is so much fucking better.

But blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you want to be just underneath it so people know who you are. So they still show up to see a dick and shit jokes, but you're not overly exposed. I like your philosophy. Nothing. There's nothing else to it. I agree with you. What?

I seriously do. I'm not joking. You've probably said that like three times in the 12 years that I've known you. Said what? I agree with you. I agree with your philosophies. I have nothing to add. Yeah.

What? I don't like it. Okay. This was like when Vince Vaughn was on Jimmy Fallon and he was trying to get in his head when they were going to play what's in the box. That was the best fucking bit. Is it called what's in the box? What's in the box?

What's in the box? All right. There you go. The liar's box. Yeah. Dude, that was a clinic. That was a clinic that Vince Vaughn put on there. All right.

I'm, uh, I'm out of time here. Right. Enjoy the rest of the podcast. I'll talk to you on Monday. All right. Here's a sexuality situation, everybody. Hey, Bill, I need your advice on something. This is a not, this is not about a breakup dating or gold diggers, but I think your advice

could help me, could help me out on an extremely awkward position. I'm 19 and I'm home from college for the summer. I've been home for about a month and I live in North Carolina, but go to college in Arizona. Dude, good move. Arizona with all those fucking whores out there coming to class and like bikini tops. And you're out there with your cuter than cute Southern draw. How much ass are you getting? Well, let's find out, shall we?

Okay. While I was away at college, I have opened up to new ideas such as politics, religion, and about my sexuality and my bice, and I am bisexual. At the beginning of summer, I started hanging out with my old friends from high school, one of which was gay. We had messed around in high school, but nothing serious. What does that mean? You flicked his balls a little bit?

Sorry, the fucking joke is there. I'm going to do it. All right. Come on. Take it like a man, like everybody else. Okay. Everybody gets trashed on this. Here we go.

So this summer, he and I were hanging out at my house and nobody was home. We started, and we started to drinking. Oh, geez. He's playing some music. YMCA. And he started to smoke some weed, man. Then after about two hours, we decided to do the dirty. Jesus Christ.

Okay. Here we go. Slugging away through here. Halfway through us getting it on. My mom walks into the room and catches us in the act. Wow. Now talk about the needle going off the fucking record. She started yelling at me, swatting me with the mail.

I'm surprised you didn't turn the hose on you. Kick my friend out of the house, then banned him from ever coming over again and started screaming about the Bible and a bunch of religious shit. By the way, this all happened when I was in a panic trying to get some clothes. Oh my God, dude. What a way to come out. The only thing that was missing was a giant neon I'm gay sign hanging over you. Wow. That's a fucking situation there, huh?

Ever since then, my mom and dad have been forcing me to go to a few religious nut jobs that are supposed to convert me from bisexual to heterosexual. That's hilarious. You know, like you're going to convert a truck from two-wheel drive to four-wheel drive, like it's that fucking easy. This is a huge pain in the ass because one, there are churches on every corner in North Carolina and two, I don't want to change. So you shouldn't. Dude, you can't. You are who you fucking are and they're going to have to accept it. Also, my parents have been treating me differently now and it's really weird and awkward every time we talk.

So I guess my question is how do I deal with this? Dude, this might be outside the mother realm of my lack of expertise here. Do I tell them that I don't want to go to some religious fat fuck who is a Jesus freak and whose stomach is as long as his vowels? Oh, she got that Southern draw. You can't be sucking dead. Or should I just pretend to be straight until the end of summer then go back to living the life I want to live at college? Also, how do I keep saying with people telling me that I am living my life wrong and that God is judging me? I hope that wasn't too sad.

Dude, it's a fucking epic story. Thank you for sharing it here. All right, this is the deal, dude. You need new friends. You need to keep the friends that accept you for who you are and the ones who aren't. You just got to phase them out. Your parents will come around. You know, they got to come around because you're their son.

All right. Stereotypically probably your mom before your dad or whatever, but I don't know. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. But what the fuck are you going to do? You know, you are who you are. You got to go be who you're going to be. And as far as do you tough it out for the summer, that's up to you.

That's up to you if you're going to keep going back. I mean, if I was going to keep going back to some shit that I didn't want to go to, I would just, I would have fun with it. I would just act like a fucking moron. And I would keep acting like I was almost cured. And then at the last second be like, but don't you think John Travolta is cute? Oh, no, no, sorry, sorry. And just fuck with the guy and just have a good time.

If you can't get out of it, if you don't want to, you know, fight, you know, if you don't want to be like Hitler and try and fight on three fronts and end up in a fucking bunker, maybe just start with to get some new fucking friends. That's it, dude. That's brutal, man. That's brutal, but you'll get through it. You'll get through it. You'll find some fucking people, you know, I don't know.

It's weird in a weird way. Everybody does that beyond that shit. You know, as a comedian, I never fit in anywhere. Everywhere I went, like when I fucking had jobs and they would be sitting there and I had my little Michael J. Fox fucking suit and tie on, like thinking that this is what I was going to do and everybody was going in for some fucking meeting. I'd never gave a fuck and I never, I just felt always felt like an outsider until the day I walked in a comedy club and I basically found people who were the same kind of weird that I was.

So they didn't seem weird to me, but admittedly comedians were all out of our fucking minds. So that's what you have to do in a gay way. You just got to go find some heterosexuals who are accepting of you and go get some gay friends and you know, you're going to have a great life and you're going to have abs until you're 60 evidently because that's how it works with gay people. Fuck them. Be who you are and that's it. Alright, there you go.

Alright, sisters A through C. Here we go. Tired of giving advice to guys with psycho-suicidal girlfriends or people with STDs? Well, I got something a bit lighter for you here. Kind of like the Coors Light version of your typical advice. Thank you. And it's pretty cool. The Coors Light version of your typical advice. Thank you.

And it's perfect for the middle of summer. Let me kick my feet back on this one. So I know this lady who I've been friends with for a while now and banged one time. She's the oldest of three sisters, so we all call her Sister A. About two years ago I made out with Sister B in a club, not my initiative, and ended up having sex with her the same night. Jesus Christ, dude. I went out with her.

Dude, do they have like that thing on the back of their SUV where they have the stick figures of the entire family and you just slowly keep axing them out? And the family doesn't understand. Is somebody trying to kill my daughters? No! Just trying to fuck all of them, sir. Well, that's a relief.

Anyways, I went out with her for a while. Oh, this is Sister B. And it was surprisingly not awkward when we were hanging out all together, even though everyone knew the situation. Jesus Christ, what southern state are you in, sir? I'll go fuck yourself, people down south. That was funny. Some months later, I went out with her.

I went out with her. I went out with her for a while. Oh, this is Sister B. And it was surprisingly not awkward when we were hanging out altogether, some months later, Sister B left me for one of my friends and got over it quickly enough. Oh, and you got over it quickly enough. And nowadays, I'm still in contact with Sister A and B

since I'm not the kind of guy that holds a grudge for that kind of stuff. Well, there you go. That's very immature, which means you really didn't give a fuck about either one of them. So why are you going to be all upset, you know, like you own their pussy once you fuck it? I hate when guys do that. Anyways, recently, since Sister C started talking to me more frequently, after talking for a bit, she said she could pose for me since I'm a painter and she's a model and a 10 all the fucking way, I might add.

Oh, you fucking creep. You fucking creep. You fucking creep. So she was a 10 the whole time. So basically, you're in a holding pattern, banging her oldest sisters, waiting until this girl was of age so you could fucking pain her. That's Christ.

You know, I might have to stand up and applaud this one. This guy's taking it to another level. Dude, this is a fucking epic situation here. So you go, so here's my question. Does that proposition mean anything? Dude, you need my advice? I need advice from you. How do you fuck every girl in the same family?

Jesus Christ. This is like, do you know how long it's been since there's been a triple crown winner in horse racing? The last time someone won the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness and the Breeders Cup, is that what it is? Or is that a soccer match? I don't fucking know. I don't know a fucking horse.

Since the late 70s, I would guarantee that it's been since the late 70s since somebody who's banged three. I think a lot can do two in one family, but to get all fucking three. Dude, three, two is respectable. Three is, no, it's beyond respectable. Dude, three. Okay. Everybody knows three is in the sporting world.

Dude, that's a fucking dynasty. Okay. You just put yourself in there with fucking Bill Russell. You put yourself in there with the fucking Magic Johnson Lakers. You know, I wouldn't say the Kobe Lakers. You know, when you go out and you get Phil Jackson and fucking Shaq, that's that new shit that the kids like. I don't like that shit.

Either way, dude, you're talking fucking dynasty. Oh wait, Magic never won three in a row, but he had the Celtics to fuck with. They won three out of four years. Give me a fucking break. So here's Michael Jordan. There we go. So here's my question. Does that proposition mean anything?

Is it a trap? Should I try to bang her? Should I try and bang her to and get a third strike or keep my dick in my pants and avoid a potential shit storm? And if yes, do you have any tips, special tips on this special situation? All my friends are telling me to do so, but I thought I'd ask a more refined mind like yourselves before I did a move. Dude, you're looking at me like, dude, you're beyond me right now.

Okay. This is like bull Durham. I'm fucking Kevin Costner. I'm a lifer. Okay. You're going up to the show, hitting brand new balls every fucking day. You tell me. Okay.

I never banged two girls in one fucking family. You know, I was psyched. If I was able to tag a couple of friends and we were all hanging out at a bar one night and you get that feeling like I fuck both of you and you both knew it and you both loved it. I hope please, please tell me you liked it. Did you like it? Was I okay?

Dude, I think you got to do it. You got to do it. You know, you, you've been above board the whole time. Sister A, sister B, they all fucking knew everything, right? Now I understand this is a little delicate. Okay. He's trying to snip the last wire here. This is the kid's sister.

Is it going to blow up in your fucking face? It's worth it, dude. It's worth it. It's worth losing a couple of limbs and your nose on this one. You got to do it. The fuck, you know, dude, what the fuck? She says to you, uh, yeah, you're a painter. Oh, let me take my clothes off and you can paint my fucking twat.

That's not art, dude. That's foreplay. Give me a fucking break. It'd be one thing if you're in a classroom of people. It's just you and she's standing there naked. Dude, that's like one of the, have they ever done that porn scenario in a porn? Jesus Christ, you might have found a new angle. Dude, that's phenomenal.

That is fucking phenomenal. Dude, you got to do it. You got to do it. Did John Elway retire when he only got one? He came back for another, right? You got to do it, dude. Dude, that's like when Bush fucking the first Bush, he stopped and he didn't get stood up. You got to go all the way on this one, man.

All right. You got to be like Marlon Brando in fucking apocalypse now. You just accept the fact you left the program. All right. And I don't care how mad these girls get. Dude, you are at the precipice of becoming an absolute fucking legend. Legend. Who's going to be able to top that?

Dude, there are celebrities who've had orgies. They've had five on ones and all that type of shit. Okay. But I guarantee you they never fucked three fucking girls in the same family when they weren't famous, not famous. You're doing this shit with the gift of gab, whatever the fuck you're doing. Dude, you do this. You got to write a book.

You got to write a book. That's what you should do. Collection of the most amazing pussy getting stories ever that you can somehow confirm. All right. And it has to be none of that bullshit. You get famous. You get money. That doesn't count.

All right. That's garbage time. Okay. They put the fucking second team in there and you just fucking tit and layups. That's bullshit. I'm talking about just regular dude. You talk yourself into it. You're a fucking legend.

You got to do it. All right. There's my halftime speech. I'm going to quote Joe Bartnick quoting John Madden. Today is going to be the greatest day of your life, but only if you win. By the way, I think it's time. I think we're about, you know, 17 minutes in. I think it's about time I padded myself on the back.

How about that download speed last week? Huh? How about that? I didn't hear any complaining. You know, hundreds and hundreds of people bitch, moaning and fucking. Why did you park at such a long download? All right. So I finally fixed the goddamn problem.

And what do I get? I get like five tweets going, Hey, I really appreciate it. You know, what happened to the rest of you cunts? You went on to bitch about something else. You don't like the photo on my fucking page. You know, you ever stop and thinking about, you know, maybe finding out what you're really upset about. Jesus Christ. Could I use that advice?

Huh? Um, all right, let's talk about something in the news. Shall we? You know, I think they should have to fucking sing the news the way they do in the Catholic church. You know, there was a guy who got attacked by two monkeys in South Africa. He decided he was going to go down there and try to rehabilitate some chimpanzees that had been abused. And they turned around, dragged them for two kilometers and kicked the shit out of him. What a dumb fuck.

Why would you fly across the world to get your fucking ass kicked? Did you guys hear about this dude? South Africa, Texas student attacked by chimp improves. Thank God he improves. This poor fucking bastard, he's a ranger, right? He loves animals. This is the thing about animal lovers. You got to realize that once you go past a certain level of domestic animal and you start getting into the wild,

no matter how much you love them, they're not going to love you back. Wild animals are like that dick you shouldn't have gone out with. You know, that person who cheated on you, that person who just doesn't have you back. Wild animals do not have you back. Your dog has you back. Your cat, borderline. Cats kind of have that creepy vibe that if shit went bad, they'd side with the intruder. You know what I mean?

Fish, they just don't have any fucking say. They're like a Stepford wife. You know, that's why dogs are the best. They truly fucking love you. My dog fucking loves me. We'll be on a walk and all of a sudden she just looked up at me. It's almost like she's smiling. You know, how fucking warped do I sound?

She's probably just panting and it looks like she's smiling. She's probably going like, why does he have this fucking rope around my neck? This doesn't make any sense to me. I wanted to, I could rip his fucking face off. But in my world, I'm so in love with my dog. Look, she's smiling at me. But that's not bad when you just have a dog. I think people who fucking, you know, fuck with animals for wild animals,

they start thinking like, oh, look at the cheetah. Oh, she's playing. And all of a sudden, this fucking launches itself at you. I believe that we came from monkeys. I believe that we came from the apes. I believe something else. So there's three in a row and this sounds smooth. But I by no means think that those fucking things like us.

I don't give a shit if I teach it sign language and the chimps sitting there going in sign language. Hey, I think you're a cool guy there, freckled face cunt. You know, there's no fucking way I'm ever going on the other side of the goddamn cage. This poor bastard was on the other, he was on the other side of the cage. He just got too close. That's how fucking insane a wild animal is. Chimpanzees, they say, have the strength of six, six men.

This dude got attacked by two chimps. That would be like getting attacked by a flash mob. Okay, 12 fucking people. They just grabbed this motherfucker by his ankles. They reached underneath. I mean, I don't know what kind of bullshit cage they had. It was like a compound, you know, so they put up that cheap wire shit when you don't want to rabbit to come in and eat your lettuce.

Right in your garden, like they put that shit up. So this fucking guy sitting there, you know, is like doing that shit. And he's like, what are you guys trying to tell me? What are you trying to tell me? And he's trying to sign to them. You guys want to play Frisbee? Right? And they're sitting there talking to each other, going just two more inches.

Two more inches. Look at this dumb motherfucker who wants to play Frisbee. Right? And they reach underneath, grab him by his fucking ankles. Strength of 12 men. They fucking pull them right underneath that goddamn thing. Like when you go to Quiznos and they stick your sub right through that poor excuse for a fucking brick oven.

Yank that motherfucker right underneath. Oh my God. And then they drag them for like another fucking two kilometers. However fucking far that is, I don't know. In my world, that's, what's that, about a mile and a quarter? Because I know like 60 kilometers is like 40 miles an hour. Who gives a fuck? They drag this son of a bitch basically through the length of every football stadium in the NFL.

And I can guarantee you, it wasn't the nice turf that those guys play on. This was the natural habitat. Like I can't imagine the vice grip strength. Those, those fucking things, man, they'll rip your foot off to rip your balls off to rip your face off. They'll rip it off like you open a fucking goddamn thing of yogurt. Goddamn ice cream. When you just take the lid off, they do that to your face. What the fuck are you doing near these goddamn things?

You know, Jesus fucking Christ. I would have two tranquilizer guns and I would be wearing one of those fucking, you know, those suits you wear when you think you're going to get bitten by a shark. That chain link shit. There's no fucking way. There's no way. Fucking catcher's mask welded to my face. I'm not going anywhere.

And not only that, these aren't just regular fucking chimps that have been swinging around, eating bananas, occasionally eating another monkey alive. Right? This isn't that shit. These are ones that were abused. They were already fucked with. Okay. And having adopted a fucking abused dog and the goddamn schizo shit that that thing does,

I can't fucking imagine a goddamn schizophrenic fucking eight, two of them, straight to 12 goddamn men and you're going to walk near the cage, trying to sign, hey, how about the weather? Frank or whatever fucking human name you gave them. You're right. I'm God bless you. Your heart's in the right place. Fortunately, this kid doesn't seem like he had any damage like that.

But like this dude was so in shock, like they were finally able to just like stitch him up and stabilize him. And evidently, he's not in critical condition and it doesn't seem like it seems like he still has his balls, his feet and his face, which is incredible. But they say, you know, he has bite marks and fractures, plural. Oh my God, just treat me like a fucking ragdoll. That is the most horrifying shit in the world to me. Nature is the most horrifying shit I would rather have.

Oh, let's see. You know what? The human equivalent, someone has to come into my house with a fucking chainsaw. I can deal with the goddamn. I could deal with the machete. All right. I could deal with that chainsaws. That's hardcore.

I could fuck a machete. I could deal with. I think I could fucking do the sugar Ray Leonard, you know, stick my face out and then pull it back when you took a swing and then fucking try to take both your legs out. Only hardcore boxing fans got that one. But I mean, if you were in a room with the chimp and that thing goes fucking apeshit, no pun intended, that thing is on the floor. It's up on the ceiling.

It's across the room. It's like. It's like a comet and you're sitting there dealing with human speed. Dude, that's why we got the brains that we have. That's why it was so much smarter. We have to be because we're so fucking slow. You know what I mean? You ever see the white guy who gets dunked on in those highlight films?

You know, that fucking guy that they bring off the bench when the teams either up by 30 or down by 30. That guy, that's what we are in nature. Even the fucking athletic humans. You know, when nowhere near just think like a how fast a fucking snake is a fucking pit Viper Viper. Right. That thing fucking you don't need your bit and that thing has left left the fucking building before you even did before. That signal from your fucking leg going, Hey, we just got bit by a goddamn pit Viper even reaches your brain. That snake is already leaving.

And then you go and then the real is and as the realization that you got bit hits you, you are, you're already collapsing. Why the fuck would you go out there? You know, I don't know. We had to be that fucking smart. I can't imagine that the goddamn fear. Back in the fucking day, you're walking around with a bunch of goddamn neanderthals or whatever. Neanderthals. I guess I suppose to say I said neanderthal my entire life, but it's neanderthal, I guess.

And what else was there? There was two tribes, one of them died off. There was neanderthals. And then there was the fucking crow magnums. And I forget what the fuck we are. One of them one and the other ones. The other one of them was a little bit smarter. And the other ones were a little dumber and the dumber ones died off.

All right. And some people have a little bit of that crow magnum or neanderthal in them, you know, because, you know, they're people. They fuck, right? It's going to be the dumbest education podcast you'll ever get a fucking here. I just totally lost my train of thought. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, neanderthals, right? So I can't imagine just fucking walking around.

Did you ever see that shit when they did that whole thing on crow magnums and neanderthals? Like one of them was like fucking slower, like the fucking white dude in the NBA. And one of them was a little bit quicker, a little bit smarter. So they fucking did this shit where like when they would show them like taking down some prehistoric bison, like the fucking little smarter ones. You know, they could fucking, you know, that that shit, they could slip a punch, they could throw a goddamn spear. They could do, they could do it from a fucking distance, like this fucking jackass. He wasn't, he was too close to the goddamn cage. The fucking crow magnum, whatever, the dumber ones, they would like fucking, they would just brute strength.

They would fucking run and try to tackle the thing. And someone would, you know, separate their shoulder or break an elbow and there's nobody around to set that shit. Every step in your fucking non-existent shoes and your big stupid prehistoric foot, you're just having that pain shoot through your body. I just can't imagine. I can't imagine sitting there looking out of a cave and everything is that much faster than me and I don't have a fucking door. I don't have a gun. You just must be just sitting there like, and you can't really communicate to the other person because language hasn't been developed yet.

So you're just having that what the fuck look on your face. That was probably one of the first phrases invented. Like, are you shitting me or can you fucking believe this? I don't know. But God bless that dude. You're an animal lover. I totally know where you're coming from, but for the love of fucking God, those things are not your friends. Okay?

I don't know. Start P90X and stay away from that fucking cage. Jesus Christ, can you imagine that? I'm getting dragged away by two fucking abused chimps. And you know God damn well he saw that fucking Oprah one episode that woman came on with no face. I know he was fucking thinking of that shit. I hate those motherfuckers. You know what it is?

I like gorillas. I hate chimpanzees and I hate those little monkeys. The little motherfuckers that throw their shit at you. I can't stand those fuckers and I hate chimpanzees. I always hated those motherfuckers. I didn't know why and now I know why. That was my inner fucking whatever the fuck caveman telling me get the fuck out and go back to the cave stupid. I don't trust them.

I don't trust those fucking things. You ever go to the zoo and you just fucking you just your eyes meet with like a lion. Just that fucking look on their face. I've said this before it's like what the same look like when a hooker looks at you like it's it's the real deal. You know this isn't some fucking bullshit flirting playing hard to get get a couple drinks out of you. It's yeah you got 20 bucks. I will suck your dick. What you know lions got that same look on their face.

Like yeah if you know if you weren't in that fucking armored vehicle or on the other side of this yeah. If I was hungry I would eat you and no matter how much you screamed I wouldn't give a shit. It would actually excite me more to rip your fucking head off. There's no way. There's no way. There's no fucking way. That's why I watch all those animal things man. I'm fascinated and I love and I appreciate all those people that put themselves in harm's way because there's no other way to really gauge how strong an animal is until you see it slap around a human being.

Like I can't watch two fucking grizzly bears wrestle and slap each other. They're in the same weight class. You know what I mean. If I see him bitch slap a human being and watch the guy's head spin around a couple times like wow. All right. I get that. I can now gauge that. It's like yeah like like kilometers versus miles.

All right. I think we killed that subject. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back.

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