Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-22

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Bill rambles about new drum songs, news, and good news.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Phil Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm doing this podcast, I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. Just seeing how you're doing. And I also realized, you know, if you listen to the Monday morning podcast, that I started

to say I finally realized the difference between Ginger Baker and why people think he's better than John Bonham. And I learned it through watching like the guys, his fucking, his solos or whatever. And all I can say after watching the guys solos is he's using bigger words. The man is using bigger words. He's more educated, I guess, because he's playing, you know, polyrhythms and shit like that. And Bonham was like that guy down the bar that just had told the funniest fucking story

ever. And big word people don't want to admit that he's a funny bastard, even though he didn't go to your Ivy League school. Ginger Baker fans, come at me. I want to hear you say, I want you to explain to me why you think he's a better drummer. Because I still, I don't know. I don't know. I just look at the fucking groove of John Bonham.

I get about, like, the emotion that Bonham evoked is just, I just think it's unparalleled. And I don't think, I don't, I'm going to, I don't think Ginger Baker could touch him. I don't. I don't. I'm sure he's more fucking educated and being spangling and doing his fucking Afro Cuban shit and all of that, you know. But you know, I see other guys do that and I think they did it better than him. You know, if they say he's a jazz drummer, okay, is he better than Tony Williams?

No, he is not. John Bonham is the greatest rock and roll drummer of all fucking time. I will go to my grave saying that. All right, but I'm also, you know, I'm a little vulnerable. I'm open-minded, you know. I'm unsure of myself. So, and I'm not a musician. So if you're going to tell me that the guy's better, I want to know why.

Okay. But once you get done, and this is, this is Ginger on Ginger here. I'm going against my own people. I would love it. The greatest rock and roll drummer all the time was a fellow fucking angry fucking lunatic redhead like myself. I would, I would absolutely love that, but I got to give it to that fucking brown-haired cunt John Bonham.

I just have to. Not only am I, I'm going to start a little conch. I would be fucking edgy today. I don't even think it's even close. I don't think it's even fucking close and I will go song for song. All right. Drum fills, drum grooves, all this shit he did. I will go song for fucking song.

And I want you, you Ivy League drum and listen sons of bitches to explain to me why it was better because I don't see it. I don't hear it. I'm also a fucking 53-year-old stand-up comedian. So what do I know about music? In the words of the late great Chris Farley, Jack Squat. Um, anyway, I actually have a day off before I am going to be probably busier than I've been in a long time over the next month.

So as I mentioned, the podcasts are going to be sporadic. I'm going to keep doing them, but I'm just going to let you know they're going to be a little weird because I'm already not watching the news. So I'm already talking about weird shit like the gecko that hangs outside my fucking door because it's been cold out. We've been buddies. He keeps coming. I'm talking like Christopher Walker now.

He's outside my door with buddies. Where's Christopher Walker? Never. He keeps trying to come in here because he thinks there's heat in here or she does. Or they, maybe it's a trans gecko transitioning gecko, right? It's, it's really a Komodo dragon, but he identifies gecko. Anyway, um, the fucking thing has been on the other side of the door and it keeps coming in here because he thinks it's like heat in here and there isn't.

So I got to keep picking them up and set them outside. And I feel bad for it because I know eventually it's just going to be snake food, a bird food. It's really weird being like an appetizer, fucking animal. Just running around. I wonder what happens the day you realize that that's what your purpose is, to keep the predators fed. I don't understand, like, I don't know, it's just so fucking weird, like, what fun is it to be prey?

Always sitting there eating, you know? You ever see the looking deer's eyes when they sit there eating something off a branch? There's no, like, enjoyment of life. I always have, like, that 600 yard stare, like they're either looking for something that's going to kill them or they're thinking about one of their buddies that they heard screaming as some fucking bear ripped it apart. Really is a fucking, I just can't get out of this, people. I can't stop, I've tried stop watching the news to try and look at the world in a more

positive way and it's just not happening. I know what I need, alcohol, no, don't do that, Bill. Anyway, so this fucker's been hanging outside there and I've been trying to clean up my office and my garage, get it a little tidy here and I'm trying to get rid of shit but that's really hard for me to do, I'm a sentimental bastard. So I was shrink wrapping some clothes so at least I could just, you know, over the years I've done all these gigs or gone to sporting events and I like this shit but I never think about it.

It reminds me of shit that I did and I can't get rid of it and it's stupid. Like I just shrink wrapped, like shrink, you know, the things, you put them in the plastic bag, you seal the plastic bag and then you vacuum all the air out of it. In that bag is, let's see, it was a Chappelle show sweatshirt, down and dirty with Jim Norton's sweatshirt, a Dave Chappelle T-shirt from fucking last summer when he was doing the COVID shows or two summers ago, there was my shirt from Breaking Bad, the stagecoach one, there was the coach Bobson one when I played that on Reservation Dogs, what else was in there? The striped shirt I wore on my HBO special, the first shirt I ever wore, doing stand up.

Why am I saving this shit? Why am I doing that? Fucking nuts. Then I have a, I got two Letterman jackets, you know, one's, when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 and when the Patriots won and what was it? The first one, Super Bowl 36, I have two Letterman jackets, which I've never worn. I've never worn them. You just can't wear a Letterman jacket for sports unless you're on your way to that

sporting event, I feel. But I got them and I can't get rid of them because, you know, my dad got them for me so I can't get rid of them. But there's other shit that I have in my garage that I want to get rid of. Does anybody into like wants to build their own, you know, like you want to get on Teenage Ninja Turtles show, what is that, Ninja Warrior and you need some shit to like hang from from the ceiling, you know, those balls, there was a time when my shoulders weren't fucked up.

I used to go around my garage. Probably I fucked my shoulders up because I didn't do enough back exercises and I pinched my rotator cuffs there. If you guys, anybody wants some of those, I'll fucking ship them to you. I've been hanging on to those forever, like I was my shoulders were going to get better and I just realized at some point, how many fucking 53 year old guys do you see swinging around their fucking garage like Spider-Man? You just don't and there's a reason for that.

Now I could like, you know, take some HGH and get myself back to that, you know, and have an enlarged, I have strong shoulders and enlarged fucking organs, you know, or I could just accept the fact that I'm fucking 53. So if anybody wants some, anybody wants some, how about you? I will ship them to you free of charge. The first person that emails the Monday morning podcast, whatever that fucking email is, well, you know what? I'll have the great Andrew Thamelis.

He will post it and I'll ship it. I'll ship it out to you even with those fucking, with the claps that you fucking, all you got to do is just have the thing sticking out of your garage, right? My only thing is, is if you ever make it on to Ninja Warrior, you give the Monday morning podcast a shout out, all right, right before you go on the whole, the escapade, whatever they call it, the field course, the Esplanade, the adult jungle gym, the structure, whatever else you want to fucking call the thing. So anyway, oh, Billy Thespian's got some lines to fucking learn and I got some other shit

to douche, but this is my last day out and then I'm officially working for somebody else. I got the saddle on my back and I got to do that for over the next month. So as I said, you know, that's why that a few dates moved around in my schedule to make this thing happen and I'm very thankful for the gig and it should be a, it should be a great time and I want to tell you about it, but I'm not allowed to, but the day, the second I am, you will get the exclusive right here on the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday podcast or I might tell it to you on Monday. I have no idea.

My daughter said the cutest things the other day, man, I was hanging out with her and you know, oh, did I say, I think I already told you that story. See, I just, I don't have any fucking stories left because I'm not doing anything. All right, fuck this shit. All right, let's, let's get into some fucking shit right now. Let's, let's Google something. Google news. Let's see all this happy shit I can talk about.

All right, headlines, top stories. Let's go top stories. I don't want the difference between headlines and top stories. Russian closes in on Kiev as car cave, Ukraine, cities face intense shelling. Russian, Russia pummeled Ukraine, second largest city as convoy nears Kiev, Ukraine, Ukraine, Tesla offering three free charging near Ukraine to help evacuees. Russia has been accused of using vacuum bombs in Ukraine. What are those?

Yeah, what are those? You blow people up and then you vacuum their house. I'm sorry. Russian forces close. Hey, when you go to a fucking thing and then like 50 windows open up, what about this? What about this? I'm trying to make money. Russian forces have been accused of using the widely banned and dangerous weapons known

as vacuum bombs that obliterate their victims. The International accused Russia of using vacuum bombs or thermobaric weapons to attack a preschool in northeastern Ukraine, while civilians took shelter inside. CNN reported that one of its teams had spotted a Russian thermo, what, one of CNN's teams or Amnesty International, thermobaric multiple rocket launcher near the Ukraine border early on Saturday afternoon. Oksana Markova, Ukraine's ambassador to the United States total pro after the meeting that the members of the US and they use a vacuum bomb today.

All right. Well, we got to go to video now. Vacuum bomb, all right, all right, Ukraine use vacuum bomb. What is a cluster bomb? What is a vacuum bomb? This is why I don't go to the news. Let's see if I can find what I got an idea. Let's see this.

Nice news, nice, oh, nice newsroom. Find the latest news and press releases from nice. No, I don't want nice that stands for something else. I want nice news. I got one. Nice news, news that's nice. Hang on a second. Let's see what's going on in nice news.

News that's nice. News that's nice. They got it. Here we go. Who knew? Who fucking knew? Get ready to get a smile on your face, everybody. This is what I'm going to do.

All of these cunts out there just telling you all the misery of the world. What about all the nice things that are happening? All right, here we go. Do you have any potatoes? March 1st, 2022, I found that because you have a chrome jacket, it doesn't mean you're a pianist or you can cook jacket potatoes. Okay, this is a part of the world. I don't even understand.

February 26th, the game of rugby is a gentleman's game until you lose to a smaller team. We're looking forward to the final game on March 19th in Paris. Oh, I see. They give you a little nice thing and then they make a poorly thought-out joke. All right, sandstone, February 26th, 2022. I think this is a place, sandstone, and then they're making a joke. I think the acid watch carbon removal is needed on this monument. Is that supposed to be carbon?

They spelled it B-O-N-E. And in Edinburgh Castle. This is making me wanting to see people bombed again. The highlight and historic landmark looking over Edinburgh is the castle of many in the British Isles that are still in use every day. Is there any story? This is just little blurbs. All right, well, that's got to come on.

I'm not giving up on this. I'm not giving up on this. Good news network. All right, here we go. Good news. No good news is good good news with Gary Gnu. All right, let's see. Let's see what let's see what happened within the happy town.

Sneaky cat swings on handle to open door for all his friends. Oh, here is Jim Florentine. Yay. German city diverts goods from landfills, repairs them, then sells them for reuse in department store for reuse. Now God damn it, that's the kind of fucking shit we need to see. You know, there's a cup of coffee here. All right, what a morning jolt of good, what a morning jolt of good news and there's a

cup of coffee there with and the foam they turn into a little little heart. Mexican tequila fish is successfully reintroduced where it was once extinct after five pairs are sent from the UK. This is all nice, isn't it? Europe realizes its shepherds and ranchers are key in preventing wildfires. I hope they call them up and let them know that I bet that made their day a little brighter. We can now use CRISPR gene editing on ticks to fight Lyme disease in humans. All right, that's a little creepy.

You know, that's a strike against global warming. I think you want these ticks to fucking be biting people. All right, let's get back to the nice news. News that's nice on thegoodnewsnetwork.org. Shout out to them. Fight in the good fight here. British Museum unveils ancient artifacts illuminating the world of Stonehenge in new exhibit. That's a little dry.

75% of people worldwide want single-use plastic bags banned according to new global survey. That's not true. 75% of the people they surveyed wanted them banned because they didn't ask me and I think I'm part of the percentage of the people worldwide and this is more fake news. Not a fucking, you know, I was just getting into this goddamn website. All right, five-year-old donates everything he has, 30 cents to a homeless man, teaching his father a lesson. Yeah, that your kid doesn't understand money.

Don't bring your negative news energy to the goodnewsnetwork. Sorry. Wheelchair tumbles into lake. Oh my God, that's not good. But 81-year-old is saved from drowning by his dog's barking. Oh my God. There's only one sound an old man makes tumbling from a wheelchair into a lake. Students, I can make the joke because they saved him.

Jesus Christ, that guy's probably thinking I fucking survived Korea and this is going to take me out of Vietnam War at this point. Students in five Chicago high schools surprised with free college ride, all expense paid and for some parents, too. Mamu's facial tumor left her barely able to eat, now lives a normal life thanks to mercy ship. Look at this stuff. There's all kinds of people doing wonderfully nice things.

A gorgeous bat falcon spotted for the first time in the United States. The greatest American frontier hero was a former slave. The story of Bass Reeves. Isn't this amazing? All of this shit that they just never told you in history. It's fucking amazing, all of this stuff. There's a black guy here, I gotta bring that up. Did we tell you about Billy the Kid?

Snowmobillers spotted a moose stuck under ice and worked for hours to free it. All right, I'm looking at this one. I love when people rescue animals. I would be so afraid that when we finally got that thing out, that thing would thank me by fucking hit me with those goddamn L-corns. It's a moose bill. Oh, and look at this, what I will say is it's cool is that the Good News Network has these little tabs on the left-hand side, Facebook, Twitter, something else, email, Pinterest

and something else. You can send these things out, oh Reddit, email, you can send these to people. It's kind of odd that they also advertise knives. Last week, a pair of Anchorage Snowmobills rescued a moose trapped beneath the ice of a frozen creek. What were they shooting, the fucking moose omen? To an Alaskan, a moose is not a cuddly member of the deer family, but rather a very dangerous and ordinary animal.

So is a deer, man. This can fuck you up. Yet, they can start speedbagging you with their front fucking hoofs. Yet Andrew Coroner and his friend Terry White wasted no time digging an eight-foot hole around the creature to allow it to escape. You can just tell by its eyes that he was so ready to get out of that hole. Well, couldn't you tell by the fact that he was in a fucking hole and that's not what he was supposed to be?

Gee, I'll tell you that fucking Andrew Coroner, he's, none gets past that kid. That's when me and Terry looked at each other and were like, we're not going to leave this little guy until this little guy is out of the hole. Oh yeah, do you have your hands on your hips when you said that? See how jaded I am from breeding, from seeing bad, oh well, we're not going to leave her to that little fella. He's eight feet tall. You should have left him there and then a grizzly bear could have, that would have been

like a grizzly bear, Italian ice. Come on, start eating the fucking moose. Cornering white could tell immediately that the moose had been there a while. It had rubbed off a lot of the hair on the back of its neck and it looked, all right, let's spare the bad details. They finally got through, the thing escaped, it felt amazing and they got a video right here, would you look at this. Minute 39 is all it took to free this fucker.

Oh, I see what happened. He went down, down in a hole. I know what happened, I know it. Shut up and just show me when they get him out. The feeling of saving a life is something that would stay with them for a long time. You know, saving a life, this, this, this feeling is going to stay with me for a long time. I'm Sharon Goodwin for theGoodnewsnetwork.org.

Thanks for listening and don't forget to share it on all your socials. You know what, they never showed him get the moose out. Let's see what all of this links go to. You still have time to withdraw the right way. What does that mean, from society? Part of the internet of my own, no matter what, it's always a little creepy. Hey, how about the Bruins last night, when he's fucking seven and nothing? How about the Bruss getting his first fucking hat trick of his career, congratulating him,

and it was a natural hat trick, you know, when they beat the fucking, the Seattle Cuntons, the Kraken, those cheap fucks with their high sticks. I'll tell you right now, if that's what they're going to build their franchise on, I, you know, I don't know. I can, when's the next time fucking Calgary plays, I want to see Lucice fucking police that game. Calgary versus Seattle. I would love to fly up for that fucking game and add more to global warming for my own

fucking selfish needs. Calgary versus Seattle. What's the difference? Did I literally have to put NHL in? Is that what it is? This podcast is just me. Oh, postpones you fucking babies. Um, no, no, no, no, sorry.

When's the next one? April 9th at 4pm. Oh, I'm going to put that on the goddamn calendar. Oh, this Saturday. No, that was last Saturday. You know what? Calgary is yet to lose to him. Beat him four to one, six to four and two to one.

I'll tell you goddamn it. That is enjoyable. That is enjoyable. All right. I got it. I think I got a couple of reads here. I think I already did the reads. Did I already do the reads?

I have no idea. I'm trying to wonder if I feel any better that I read that good news. You know, I'm just going to, I'm going to start, you know what? I'm going to start sending these to my wife. I'm going to find, you know what? I'm doing that right now.

I'm going to find the doucheiest, the happiest fucking story I can find. And I'm just going to send it to her. See what she says here. Five, five year old donates everything he has 30 cents to a homeless guy. Um, or should I send the one about the Lyme disease? My wife likes to hike. Um, sneaky cat swings on thing. Guinness is brewing good by cutting carbon footprint of its barley farms.

Yeah. They're also helping people drink themselves to death. I mean, they're working it on both ends. I don't know. All right, people, this podcast just, it just sort of petered out. I don't, I don't know what happened. Can I look at the NHL standings? Can you hang in with me for this?

I swear to God, I swear to God that there's going to be some music and then there'll be an episode of this podcast when I wasn't this fucking busy. And I was actually outside interacting with the world. How weird is it now to not fucking wear a mask? I know most of you probably weren't, but I just kind of like, I just feel so exposed. I kind of really liked it. I hated it, but I kind of liked it. You know, I'm going to be that weirdo that keeps doing it.

You know, like Michael Jackson, remember he used to fucking wear a mask? Everybody said it was because his nose was falling off. I always thought that was hilarious. He has nose. He's had so many operations. His nose is going to fall off. It's like the guy's got a hundred million dollars. I think he can afford to have a nose that stays on.

Could put a little snap on the other side of it. The fuck am I looking at standings? All right, standings. Let's see where my Bruins are. Oh, by the way, Nick fans that I call it, that I call it death, taxes, and excited Nick, hopeful Nick fans in November. I don't know why you do it to yourselves every year. You know, just become Celtic fans.

What? We're way down in fourth place at 35 and 14. Oh, that's not us. 32 and 17. The fucking Toronto Maple Leafs have a better fucking record than we do. Oh, we're fourth in the East. I'm sorry. I thought that meant in our division.

I was like, hey, that's a hell of a division. Okay. Oh my God. Why is Montreal eight? Oh, is that our division? That's our division now. The Atlantic division. Would you look at that?

We are fourth. Look at the Montreal Canadians. Holy shit. 13, 33 and seven. Wow. You know, I'd say I feel bad for them, but I don't. I don't. The Seattle Cuntern are in last place.

San Jose still have a tough team. They used to have some tough guys on there. Calgary's in first place. Look at that. Look at that. Would you? Anyway, anyway, people, I know I was a little evasive. When I find, when the press release and all that shit comes out for this thing that I've been,

they were nice enough to add me on to. I will let you know what it is. And until then, I will try to poke my head. I'm like, you know, I got to poke my whole out and my head out of the hole and the whole out. Poke my head out of the fucking hole like that goddamn gopher. To let us know if there's going to be 30 more days of fucking weird podcasting where I try to find good news or if I'm going to turn it around. I'm going to say I'm going to turn it around.

All right. So that's it. Ginger Baker fans. I want to hear, I was fucking around because I actually, I'll be honest with you about Ginger Baker. The, this is the part that will not trend at all. If somebody posts this where I give the guy respect when I'm shitting on him, that's going to be all over the place.

Oh, really, Bill? You think that you're that important? No. Trending in a very small area on Reddit, which is how I like it. You don't want to start trending. When you start trending, that's when all those fucking whores start coming at you and they try to cancel you.

You stay in the weeds. You do the podcast. You know that meme where Homer backs into the shrubs? That's what you do. That's what you do. All of these fucking people, man. They sit around and they wait until something gets big enough and then they, then they go, Hey, I didn't like that.

Look at our cause over here. So I can make money and get my face out there. That's what they do. They're like the little fish that swim underneath the fucking whales. So where's the brilliance of my podcast? I'm too fucking stupid and uninformed to really go viral, which means I can say a bunch of ignorant shit. I don't know.

That's the theory anyways. Or maybe it's just so boring that nobody cares. Anyway, let's get back. When I saw Ginger Baker, that, that solo he took in, in Royal Albert Hall, like I was talking a few podcasts back, I was like, all right. All right, I get it. I get it. But still, still, I gotta be honest with you, I could listen to Bonham

do those triplets for 30 straight fucking minutes. That would be, and he would take me on more of a fucking ride. I'm just telling you, he would. He would. I don't know. Maybe it's like, you know, those old blues guitar players, they'd hit a note, they'd bend it up and just hold it. And you get more out of that than listen to somebody trying to fucking do that tap on

shit. So I don't know. Maybe there's something to be said about it. I have no idea, but it's making me want to go play drums and guitar, which is a good thing. So I'm starting a drummer debate here because I'm trying to go viral, man. All right, that's it. Enjoy your weekends, you fucking cunts.

And there's a little bit of music coming up here. And then we're going to do a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, full 30 minutes. That's it. And I will talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday match third 2014. I am recording.

I'm recording live as I always do. Live to tape here. Live to digital, whatever the fuck it is here in Toronto, Ontario. And that person yawning in the background, like a fucking old man is New Jersey, the pride of New Jersey. Paul Verzi. What's going on, brother? What's up, man?

What's going on? How are you enjoying Canada so far? Well, you know, dude, the food, right? We were talking about the food here has been. When have you heard me say, I gotta tell you, put New York aside, because you know I'm a big New York food guy. I mean, the food here has been knocking out of the park, man. It's been incredible.

Yeah. And in Moncton and Halifax, one of them was that ale house place. Oh, the first place we went to? What's it called? The Triangle? Triangle, yeah. Yeah. We went over there for lunch.

Well, first of all, let's just back up for a second. One thing I did want to bring up was what's been fucking hilarious is Paul Verzi going through Canada, eastern fucking Canada. Well, literally we're driving to Moncton and Halifax. I've never seen this in my life. Like instead of a school crossing, they literally had that same yellow sign with the fucking moose on it. Yeah.

I've never seen that. Okay. So typical Paul Verzi, typical fucking New Yorker. You just go places and you that never don't. This guy has been trying to order an Arnold Palmer. Everywhere we've gone. What's funny is you've gone from saying confidently, can I have an Arnold Palmer to now you're just describing the ingredients.

You're just downstairs. We started off like, can I get an Arnold Palmer? And they would be like, what? That's so true. That's how you felt as I did that. And you'd be like an Arnold Palmer. And I'm sorry. I don't know.

And you know, iced tea, lemonade, Arnold Palmer. And then they're like, no, we don't, we don't have that. You got an iced tea? No, we don't have that either. So then the next time you ordered it, they're like, oh, what do you want for this? Then we got to Halifax and you ordered it this way. You go, yeah, you got an Arnold Palmer, you know, Arnold Palmer. So iced tea.

I was squinting my eyes. Yeah, lemonade thing. You did that. And then downstairs in Toronto, you just go, yeah, I was wondering, do you have lemonade and iced tea and you could maybe put those together? And they're like, yeah, no, no, we don't. Yeah, no, I'm all for three. I'm all for three with the Arnold Palmer.

So if you know that I did that. Why don't you order a Stan Makita? That's probably some sort of fucking drink up here. And they absolutely, of course we do. Yeah, I'm just, I give up. It's just going to be lemonade or iced tea from now on. I just fucking hilarious. You have ordered that everywhere.

The first time when you said you have an Arnold Palmer, they're like, yeah, yeah, mostly lemonade and then just a splash of iced tea. And I'm like, all right, you hang out with Lawhead because that's how Lawhead. Well, he gets more lemonade too. Yeah, that's actually that's one knock. I'll give Canada. That's the food's been great, but you know, they don't not have a lemonade. It's unacceptable.

Fucking hell. How do you not have lemonade? Because it's sub zero up here. That's like some that's some summertime shit. Lemonade's, you know, lemonade's year round. Lemonade's incredible. I'm not saying it's not good for. Yeah.

The first lady, did you see her face when I said that? Do you have stock in the lemonade? You're like, no, but lemonade's year round. Lemonade's wonderful. The kid, the kid, right up. The kid in the house. No, the girl in Mockden. I go, can I get an Arnold Palmer?

And she froze up and she goes on an Arnold. And that's when I realized, dude, you're out of the country, man. You got to, and then you kind of just smirked and put your head down. I knew you were like, this is going to be a disaster. Yeah, like they don't even golf up here. They don't have golf up here. If you notice, there's no golf courses. Yeah, I guess it was a little crazy.

We drove by one the other day. What? People golf up here. Like they know who Tiger Woods is. No, they do. But it's just funny that I use an American golfer as a drink thinking that some kid waitress would know. And an American golfer from like the 60s.

That would be like you, somebody from Canada go into like South Carolina and ordering a rocket recharge. And she was a 19 year old Canadian waitress. Oh, how about the little stuck up chick at the fucking airport this morning in Halifax? Dad didn't like her. The one jerk we've met in Canada. How nice are the people in Eastern Canada?

It's beyond. They're unbelievable. They're over the top. Nice. They've been great. And I agree with you. You know what? You said something, and I didn't say it

because I thought you were going to be like, you know, fucking Verzi complaining. But she, you know, you ordered a juice and then I ordered one. And I asked, how's the root beer? I mean, how's the ginger one? Remember, how's the ginger hammer? And she just kind of just goes, she just looked at me dirty. And she goes, I don't like ginger.

So, you know, I don't like it. But if you like ginger, and I was out right then. I was out when she said that. Yeah, no, she went immediately to texting. And I just started thinking, oh, she must. I didn't even see her text. She was at one point. She's one of those bored hot chicks.

She's working at the fucking airport. She's done. Yeah, she's over. She looks in the mirror. She goes, I'm better than this. But I can't figure out a way out yet. You know? Yeah, I mean.

There's got to be a dick to jump on, or something. Right? She's probably going to start fucking stripping out there in Eastern Canada. What's a good name for a teddy bar in Eastern Canada? The caribou clam, shack, whatever. But dude, it was, you were fucking hilarious. Well, first of all, I flew into Halifax.

No, Monkton, first night. Monkton, which is M-O-N-C-T-O-N. I felt like you can fucking spell it. I hope I did it right, though, from LA, right? Yeah. And this fucking, you want to talk about having Tourette's. I land in Montreal. All right, and I don't know if I mentioned it last week,

but I actually brought my hockey stuff. I brought my hockey bag with my fucking, my, well, because I set up a bunch of, I tweeted that I wanted to play when I was up here. So all these people, you know, come here, play, come here, play, and everybody's going, hey, I got stuff. You can use stuff. Don't worry, we'll buy it.

We'll buy you a new jock. And I'm like, that's fucking disgusting. I'm going to lug my shit up here, right? So I'm thinking, all I got to worry about is I'm going to drag it out of the car at LAX. I stick it on one of those little fucking $2 things. I wheel it to some guy, he takes it, and then I'm done. And then when I land in Moncton,

I just fucking throw it on another one. It's, it's not going to be that big a deal. It's, it's annoying, but it's not that big a fucking deal. So what happens? I get to Montreal, right? There's no cart anywhere. I'm fucking, I got the hockey bag on top of my wheelie bag. And I got my computer shift from all my,

my mixer in the podcast, looking like a complete asshole. And in Montreal, right? Oh, no, no, wait, in Montreal, that's what you have to do. I figured I, you know, I'd land in Montreal, I go through customs, and then I jump on a fucking plane. You got to claim your fucking bags. I don't know why. I was like, I guess, it's like,

do you think I assembled a fucking bomb when I was on the plane? So I had to claim both those two asshole bags, then drag them back over to someplace else, right? That part wasn't too bad. That still sucks though. That's that, no, but then I got back upstairs. I had to go back through security again.

It's like, did I assemble a fucking gun on the plane? No, he, they admitted that to me there. It's funny you said that because I said, when I had the connection, because I flew from New York to Montreal, and then from Montreal, and I said to the guy, I don't have to go, he goes, and I said, he was really cool, the, I guess, TSA, I don't know.

But he goes, he goes, yeah, he goes, our systems kind of screwed up here, that we don't have it right here yet. That's what he said. Oh, he said that? No, he said that. He was like, and I was like, oh yeah, because it doesn't, what am I going to do from here?

The TSA guy was cool with me too, and I went there and I actually had the paperwork. What are you doing up here? I'm going, I'm doing stand up. And he goes, yeah, the paperwork and gave it to him. He goes, and he just goes, great, I wish everybody was like this. Because I'm doing just for laughs,

so just for laughs is like the big comedy thing up here. So they know exactly what you're supposed to have. So it was so nice to come to this country and not lie, because I always lie when I get it. What are you doing here? I'm visiting friends. Yeah. Where do they live?

Near the stadium. I got stuck. So I always do that because I don't want to deal with, because I never have the right paperwork. That happened to me when I was fucking going into Scotland. I downloaded everything. God knows, you know I'm fucking it up, but I'm blaming my reps.

You guys didn't send me the right stuff. Yeah, we did. We sent it three times. So I always lie when I go into a country. I just say I'm visiting friends. It's weird when you buy yourself, but if you say you're visiting friends, and then they go, where do they live?

And all you need is a fucking address. Well, no, but I had that backfire because I came up with a comic. I came up to do the comedy nest up there, Jimbo's room, and you know, I probably shouldn't mention it as an act. It's fine. It's his room, right?

Doesn't matter. Yeah. You're not going to say the room sucks. Right. No, it's a great room. It's actually when you do the festival, you work out there and stuff. But we went there.

We went there too. Okay, baby, all right. What a host. We went there, and we went there, and they go, what are you doing here? And the comic I'm with goes to you. Just let me, I'll just, you know, we're telling. Yeah, I'm visiting friends for the weekend.

And they go, yeah, all right, just wait here. Came back, got the websites online, saw that we were working at the club. Give me a fuck. No. How did they figure that out? They sat there, called them in, said, next time you're not getting in, don't lie.

How did they figure that out? Typed in a name? Bullshit. Why did you sort of got it? One of you guys said, oh, typed in his name. Typed in a name, and then saw it, and it goes, huh, that's pretty, you know, you know, because anytime it's so fucking annoying,

I can't get away with anything anymore. Oh, I mean, Jesus Christ, back in the day, you had to do some Peter Fox shit. But dude, I gotta just tell you, listen to this. Just not adding up for a second. You mind just saying, I mean, I might be crazy. But they had something, they looked at your shoes, and they could figure out you were fucking lying.

Now they just, they have the answers to the test, Paul. We're coming to your country to enjoy ourselves, you know, what the fuck, you know? Hey, Paul, God forbid you come to Canada. Yeah. And they don't squeeze a couple of nickels. You know what, fuck these people. Yeah, you know.

I thought I was having a good time, you know what I'm saying? They're lucky I'm bringing my American one out. They're lucky you're bringing my dick jokes up to your fucking frozen tundra. So anyway, so I land the night before, land the night before, anyways, in in Moncton. And then the next day, a buddy of mine that I met at the Mario Lemieux things camp said,

if you ever fucking come up here, I'll, you know, I'll take you out and went up and played in the middle of the day. Dude, I've never done that on the road. Played, played a pickup game of hockey. Right. Right. And of course, I was, I was such a fucking non-factor in the game as I always am.

I can skate okay. No, you can skate good, man. I can skate good compared to you, but I'm not compared to a fucking Canadian. I can't. No, dude, you were, you're fucking, but I gotta just talk. I don't want, let me, let me finish real quick. Let me finish real quick just to tell the people listening.

So I was such a non-factor. Second to last, you know, time I'm out on the ice. I actually blocked a shot just so I would somehow have some positive thing in one shift and I took it right off the toe. Dude, I showed you my toe. Oh man. My, I'm going to, I'm going to put up, post a picture of it. My, my whole toe is purple.

Now part of that's cause I'm a redhead and I got alabaster feet here. So it really shows up with your Greek skin. I don't think you'd notice it as much, but dude, it's like, like they should for in medical school, like if they ever just want to show like, you know, what do they call it? Contusion or a bruise, whatever the fuck they want to call it. They should punch your redhead because all the detail comes out, man. It's perfect.

Well, no, you're pale white. So when you were like, I got to show you the toe, yes, that house is like, let me eat first. I'll look at it, but let me eat. But no, I just, I just wanted to tell your listeners that the size of Bill's hockey bag is so funny that like you travel with this, you know, we're, we're out here. Hockey bags are in general a gigantic fact that you have that. Like you brought the equipment.

Like you care that much. And I love that. I love that. Cause you got to do it to have fun. I mean, you inspired me. No, this is the thing too. I have the, remember some old school podcast listeners. Remember I used to advertise skate fenders on my, on my podcast.

And there was he, you know, it's, it's one of the few places you don't have protection if you get hit by the fucking puck. If you were in the whole bird cage thing is, is on your feet. And this guy did a study where like all these, like how many manpower games, you know, how much manpower you lost per game in the NHL due to foot injuries and people getting hit with the puck. So we came up with these things, skate fenders, and they basically fit right on the side of the plastic thing.

And I just, I brought them and I psyched myself up going, I don't give a fuck. I'm a comedian. I can't be limping around on stage. I'm not trying to get anywhere in this sport. I'm just having fun. I'm wearing these things. And I got there and I fucking gave into peer pressure. I'm like, nobody else has them on.

I've never even seen anybody with, I guess some people in the NHL wear them. So I don't, I don't wear the fucking things. I've never taken a shot like that off my foot ever. Did it hurt when it happened or did it hurt after like? It was weird. It hurt like hell. And then all of a sudden it felt really warm and it actually felt kind of good. I finished my shift and then I fucking sat down and then I was thinking like,

is this thing going to make me limp? Unfortunately I haven't lint, but I could bend it and everything. It's fine. It's just, it's barney the dinosaur purple. Fucking gross. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's fucking bad. That's fine. I wouldn't have worn them either. I would have done what you did. If I saw nobody with the guards, I'm like, I'm gonna put this fucking box. And also, yeah. And then on top of that, I was in another country. So it's like, oh, these, these pussy Americans.

They fucking come out there dressed like Lindy Ruff. That's funny, man. Hang on a second. I actually first of all said fucking all Samuelson. He's the way the most fucking pads. I just remember a long time ago, Fred Cusick. Somebody gave Lindy Ruff a cheap shot and on the Bruins. And then it was such a fucking cheap shot that even the color commentator had to be like,

well, you know, that was kind of cheap there. And then Fred Cusick goes, well, you have to hit him. He's so well protected. So anyways, we're up here and I'm trying to see how much time we're doing because I gotta know when to fucking read. I gotta read a little bit of advertising here. Um, well, when, when, when we come back from the advertising, I'm going to talk to, I'm going to talk about Paul Verzi actually bought a pair of skates up here.

Oh yeah. All right. Hang on a second. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Okay. Where are we? Paul, you ever heard me read out loud before? No, this is bad.

Oh, maybe I know. I'm just like, no, all your respect for me is going to go out the window. All right. Stamps.com everybody. Getting your mailing and shipping done can seem like a no win situation. Going to the post office takes up valuable time. Leasing a postage meter expensive with the multi-year com, with multi-year commitments and hidden fees.

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You can save up to 80% compared to a postage meter, and you'll avoid those time consuming trips to the post office. I use Stamps.com for all my DVDs that for some reason I'm still trying to sell on the road. My posters or whatever other crap I'm trying to sell after the show, and I'm a moron, and I've been able to figure it out so you can too. Right now, use my last name Burr for this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait, go to Stamps.com before you do anything else, and click on the microphone

at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. That's not bad. That was good. I was one over. That was good. I hit the fucking sand trap once. All right, Dollar Shave Club, Dollar Shave Club. You keep the score here, Paul.

Whenever I fuck up, that's a stroke against. I start off even. All right, here we go. Dollar Shave Club. Okay guys, you've heard me talk about how much I love. Love Dollar Shave Club.com. So why haven't you joined? Like you don't have anything better to do than go to the store or anything better to

do than spend your hard earned money on the razors? What's wrong with you? That's a very aggressive copy this week. I like it. In the last two years, Dollar Shave Club.com has saved hundreds of thousands of guys time by delivering amazing quality, amazing razors and high quality grooming products right to their door. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burrow, shave with their razors. I'm a forex guy, but my buddy swears by his executive.

Is that supposed to be me? Why do they do that? Why do they just have me lie? Are you Ron Burgundy or you read everything that's on the prom? I'm a forex guy. My buddy swears by his executive. Look, they're great razors at the price they're supposed to be. You don't have to make up lies for me, Dollar Shave Club.

Anyways, not only do they have great razors, be sure to check out Dr. Covey's Easy Shave Butter. Seriously, this stuff is amazing. It makes shaving feel like you're softly wiping whiskers off your face. I don't know who wrote that, but that's brilliant. And you can't forget about one wipe chalice, the butt wipes for men. That's right. It's a butt wipe for men. Peppermint tingle, enough said.

What are you waiting for? You can't get deliveries every month if you need and you can cancel anytime if you don't like it. DollarShaveClub.com wants you to be great and keep the extra pocket, extra cash in your pocket. Jesus Paul, I'm in the water. I'm a member of DollarShaveClub.com. Now it's your turn. Shave time, shave money, DollarShaveClub.com. Go to DollarShaveClub.com forward slash burr to let them know that I sent you.

That's DollarShaveClub.com forward slash burr. B-U-R-R or go to billburr.com and click on the DollarShaveClub banner. What was my score on that one? Four slip-ups, not bad. Yeah, but that's on one hole. Multiply that times 18. What do you have there, Paul? Oh man, that's tough.

Huh? What is that? What would that be, Paul? Come on, you're good at math. That's like four under 80. It's like, what is it, like 66? 18 times what? What did you say, 18 times four?

18 times four. Is it 76? Well, 18 times 20 would be 80 minus eight. It'd be 72. Oh, 72. But, you know, just shoot now 76. Paul, what do you care? I mean, who are you?

I mean, who am I? I'm just a... Johnny Sanchez. Yeah, I had to get... Oh, so anyways. Hey, I got a dude. I called it this week. Oh, yeah, what was it?

This ain't gonna mean shit to you because it's not sports. What was it? But it's a different thing. It was a drummer. I've been telling people for years to watch this guy, Mike Johnston. MikeJohnston.com. Mike'sLessons.com, sorry. His drum lessons.

He was the best guy right out of the gate when YouTube started. He just immediately had the best, like most informative, explained it the best, played the best. As far as the instructors, the guy was just head and shoulders above everybody. And I've been telling people to go to this guy's website, sign up for his lessons and all that. And this month, he's on the cover of Modern Drummer Magazine. They've never had a drum instructor on the cover.

That's a good dude. I called it. Ever. There you go. Look at that. Paul, it's not just with sports. That's a good dude. I called it.

And he's even better. So I get the issue and I, you know, I, of course, you know, open it to read the whole article on it. And as I'm going through, I see this other article and I'm looking at this guy's face going, I know that fucking guy. Who was that? And it was Sandy Gennaro. Now, Sandy Gennaro taught at the, he's laughing about something else.

He taught or still teaches at the drummer collective. And I took lessons from him like 10 years ago. Big time Yankee fan. I was taking lessons with him. How old is Sandy Gennaro? What'd you say? I don't know. I don't know how old he is.

Paul, you don't do that in show business. He looks phenomenal and he plays even better. He's a great guy, despite the fact that he's a Yankee fan. So I used to take lessons from him. This is how long ago it was. Like I was taking lessons with him when Don Zimmer tried to attack Pedro Martinez. And he grabbed fucking Don by his head and just used this momentum into the ground. He did not push that man.

That's still fucking, that's still, what was he supposed to do, Paul? Just step out of the way, you know. And then what? A guy by his head. And then what? He pushed, he pushed him down on the nice soft grass. Did you ever see him make fun of that? That grass, that grass at Fenway Park is a blend of Kentucky bluegrass.

What would you have done, Bill? In Argentina green. What would you have done if Don Zimmer was with him? I'll do, I'll do the bit that I was doing back in the day. And I used to do this in New York and it would kill in front of Yankee fans. All right, go ahead. I was like, oh man, you see what Pedro did to Don Zimmer? And then I'd be like, boo, boo.

And I would say that I was a Red Sox fan. And this is how I explained it. I said, look, when Don Zimmer ran at him, he had three options. Either one, run away. And then he's the pussy that ran away from an 80-year-old man. Two, punch the guy in the face, which you're not going to do that. Because then you punched an old guy. Right.

Or three, grab him by his Macy Day's head and just sort of guide him down to the ground. You saw him afterwards. Don Zimmer was crying, saying he shouldn't have done it. He lost his composure. No, he did lose his composure. He looked like an old bulldog and you took his chew toy. Yeah, that was bad.

You know, the whole thing was bad because Don Zimmer, he's basically, you know, from the top of his head to his toe is baseball. Then he got married. How cool is his wife? Like he got married at a baseball park. Like they were walking, like all the players were standing there with bats, making like an arch. Yes.

And he would walk in underneath it. So that was the bad thing. But, you know. Like his legacy after that many years, though, is Pedro Martinez. It isn't. Throwing. No, but they, I mean, they talk about it. You can't mention Don Zimmer without thinking that.

I do. Because he also, he coached us. He played on the bums that won it in 55. You know, Paul, if you know your history, I don't know if you know your sports history, you always give me shit. How do you not know something? Paul, I was born in 68. How the fuck would I not?

How would I know the 55 Brooklyn Dodgers? How would I know that? You know, I'm one of those guys that I guess I just cared after. I just cared when I was able to watch. Yeah. Selfish. Yeah. So anyways, so I read through and I see Sandy Gennaro.

I'm like, holy shit, this is the guy I used to take lessons with. He's such a great guy. He's the first guy that showed me a technique to try to do some of that. Those bottom triplets. Just a fucking great guy. Journeyman drummer who's, he's played with everybody. He's fucking played with every his first group. He started off with a lead singer was Michael Bolton.

It was like a rock group. I figure what they were. I was watching. Yeah, they got some of their videos up there. And, and then he became like a hired gun. Pat Travers band, Cindy Loper, the monkeys, like all that pops. He's done that. Pat Benatar.

Was it Pat Benatar or Joan Jett? I can't remember. He's got a bunch of great stories or whatever. So, so anyway, so I'm like, holy fuck, Sandy Gennaro, I gotta, I gotta watch some of his videos. So I look it up and I find this fucking video that I sent you. This is why Paul was laughing when I brought up Sandy Gennaro because Sandy is from Staten Island.

And there's this guy interviewing him from Staten Island. I gotta, I gotta put this video up there because when I, when I think of a stereotypical New Yorker, dude, it sounded like, who's that kid Bobby on SNL? Bobby Moynihan. This like right in his wheelhouse. Like this is a character he would do. And that was so excited.

He was so excited to meet Sandy Gennaro. This is how he does the interview. He goes, oh my God, I'm standing here. Sandy Gennaro, this guy, he's played with everybody. Sandy, tell us about some of the interviews. Gad, Gad. He ends his question going, Gad. Go ahead, go ahead.

Everything he said. So when you were like coming up in rock, you know, in rock and roll and which drummer has really influenced you again? Go ahead. Yeah. I think he only said it once, but I was like, when I saw that, I was like, Bobby Moynihan would take that little, little thing. And would, would turn that into.

Well, I told you Moynihan did Guy Fury. I got to see that diners, dives and whatever. Yeah, he does it. He's got the hair spiked back. And he goes, I got the chin hair and he does the whole. He goes, this is guy. He's got the enthusiasm. That's, that's, you know, my favorite thing that Bobby did was when he was doing,

they were showing the different kind of drunk people at the concert and he did the drunk pointing guy and they started playing the song. Ants marching that dad dad dad dad dad dad. And he was doing that thing where he's drunk and he was like pointing towards the stage. That's a fucking visual. You got to see him do it. And you know what's funny is I've been doing a zillion concerts and seeing that guy and I never really thought about it, but when he did it, I fucking died laughing going like,

I've seen that guy a zillion times. So anyways, so there you go, Paul. That's my big, my big, uh, my big week in the, in my, my hobby there, the drum world. I got a, uh. Well, I came into your little hot, you got me into this hockey thing this week, man. To you fucking buying those skates was the funniest shit ever. It was like my wife trying to find a pair of shoes. The fucking guy tried on like, I'm, you're supposed to.

Well, first of all, only Canada has a, has a selection and a wall like that. We go into this and that was a shit one too. Cause they said the best one was down in Halifax. That was a shit one. Well, they were shit as fuck. You know what it was? It was a shit time to go in because it was, it's almost spring. It's fucking hilarious.

It's like minus 30 out here and it's like spring time for them. They had a wall top to bottom every brand and there was $700 skates there. There was $700, $300. And I'm like, look, I haven't been on skates since I'm 11 years old. So I'm thinking I'm going to go in and get like $60. And you, you kind of like, you kind of, I hope my wife doesn't listen to this. I spent a little money, uh, but, but she goes, I fuck whatever. I'm kidding.

I'm not afraid of my wife, you know? Hey, listen Paul, you're afraid of your wife. That's okay. No, no, no, no. You don't have to back battle, I understand. You spend, no, but listen, it is kind of crazy to spend money on skates when you haven't done it since, you know, in, in how many years. And then you're going, listen, you're good.

You go, you go, you, you, you didn't like peer pressure me into it, but you just go, those are good. They'll last forever. And in my mind, I'm like, I'm going to have these for 20 years. Yeah. So then I was like, get me this, they get me this pair and they didn't have my size. And then I finally got these and you were giving me shit saying I was being a diva, trying to get a pair of ice skates.

But I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. 00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:55,360 He's trying someone, one thing. And I had to literally walk away because I'm one of those people, Paul, like the second I finish a meal, I get up and I leave and I've been working on doing that. I don't know if you've noticed on this, this tour that I've actually sit there. Like, dude, I'm scatterbrained. Like I'm already, I'm like finishing my last bite.

Stacy says, I get up and leave and she goes, can we enjoy this or water? Can we just enjoy the rest of this? And I, but I like to sit too now. Okay. Yeah. So I'm trying not to do that shit. So I'm seeing you just keep like, like some wine connoisseur keeps sending these fucking skates back.

So I literally, and I want to get down to Halifax because I got something. It's another place where I can skate because my old things, I'm not going to booze. I'm going to skate on this fucking thing. I'm actually going to lose weight for once and not become Billy fat face on the fucking row. You could do that having a couple of drinks, but we'll talk about that. Hey, hilarious. Paul's trying to twist my arm. I got, I got, I got 35 days in, Paul.

I'm 53 today. Okay. I haven't hit my wife in seven weeks and you're going to have me go back to the drink. No, we can't not. Oh, so anyway, so I literally, I'm walking out acting like I'm checking the car to make sure nobody in unbelievably friendly Canada is going to steal. You didn't hide that well either. You go, you, at first you go, I was going to go check the car.

And then you go, no, the car's fine. You even said, no, the car's fine. And then when the third pair, when I had to change the third pair, you go, I'm going to check the car. So he's a deal. So I come walking back in and I'm literally just going, all right, stay calm, stay calm. Don't lose your shit. Don't pressure this guy. He's buying skates.

He's going to fuck up his fees. He buys the wrong ones. Don't be a selfish dick because you want to drive down to Halifax right now. So I come walking in there and you have on another pair of skates. And I'm thinking like, okay, he looks pretty happy. I'm like, I'm like, how do they feel, Paul? And you're like, you know, the right one's good, but the left one is, there's something that's pushing against my toe.

It's kind of pushing against my toe. But he even felt it. And he went in and he said, they're all like that. And then he goes, they're all like that. And he goes, put your heel back. Yeah. You got to slam your heel down and then tie it tight. Right around your ankle.

And your toes, your toes supposed to be feathering the end there. We were, that's what he said. Do you let your toes, for how excited were we walking? Because, oh, so now, so we drive down to Halifax. I'm driving fucking versing nuts because I'm doing, what is I doing? Like 140 kilometers, 140 kilometers. And what, what kilometer zone was it? I don't know, but you were speeding and it was snowing out.

And we even saw a truck fishtail. You were scaring the shit out of me. Oh yeah. There's always a guy in a pickup who fucking goes off the road. It's always a pickup because I got four wheel drive. Don't worry about it. And he went right off. But you, at one point I go, you fishtailed one at one time.

And I go, man, you got to. Yeah, that wasn't me. That was the snow. No, that was, that was you. You know how dumb what I just said was? Yeah, that's why you're not supposed to be speeding. You fucking idiot. Yeah, you even said, I could feel your nervousness.

I was scared, man. No, you have a way when I'm driving too fast, you have a way about you. You sit in this fucking way where you don't grab your leg. Right. But you put your hand on the side of your leg and all your fingers are all spread apart like you're getting ready to fucking squeeze the material in your pants. And I do that on an airplane too, like it's going to matter. Like the grip of my hand is going to stop.

I slowed down to about 120 kilometers. You were like in a rush to get to Halifax. Yeah, because the public skate was at four o'clock and then we had two shows. So we show up down in Halifax, right? Get another fucking unbelievable meal. Unbelievable fucking thing. It wasn't even the best place. No, let me tell you something right now.

It was the fucking hotel place. It was incredible. Let me tell you something right now. If you guys are ever in Halifax and you stay at the Atlantica Halifax, it was the best fucking. Is that what it was? The Atlantica? Yes, it was the Atlantica.

Yeah, there's. Atlantica and Halifax, it was the best fucking seafood chowder I've ever had in my life. In my life. 01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:51,200 I couldn't believe what I was eating. I couldn't believe what I was eating. I told you, I said, if my dad ever bit this, he'd start crying. So yeah, and I had scallops or something like that was unbelievably fresh, right?

So, so then we go down to the front desk and I go, yeah, we wanted to skate. I'm waiting for them to laugh at us. They go, yeah, I go, where are you driving? They go, it's right over there. You can walk to it. It was right there. Just pointed across the street. So we fucking go there.

We're thinking it's going to be an indoor rink. It's sleeting outside. Not sleeting. It was snowing, right? So we fucking walk down there and all of a sudden I just see in the distance out in this field this fucking Zamboni driving around. I'm going, Paul, I think it's, uh, I think it's outside. Yeah, like, uh, nah, nah, nah, nah, it's inside.

It's inside. I'm like, I don't think that guy's like fucking doing donuts with that thing. I was in denial about it. I go, maybe there's one next to it inside. I know you didn't have gloves or anything. It was fucking hilarious. So we go down there and it's this giant oval.

01:03:41,440 --> 01:03:46,240 Yeah, just wish it wasn't snowing because the ice stumps like a racetrack. It wasn't like a big open rink. Yeah, it was like you go around. It was like, like in the Olympics, a speed skating thing. Yeah, it was fucking unreal. I was nervous though. I was nervous because like, you know, when you go inside with a rink, I could fall into the boards.

I could skate onto the boards to grab it. And then I knew that there was nothing. Yeah, that's why you're supposed to skate on the outside. That's what he said, skate on the outside. Because they had the railing. And I felt good, but, uh, I was joking last night on stage. I go, I go, burrs one of these guys, you know, he's not admitting he's good. I go to me.

I go, he was spinning around like Dorothy fucking Hamel out there. I picked it up though, right? Yeah, you did. You did great. But for your first time, your first time out there, you were great. I told you, I was glad I didn't have a helmet because I felt I was like, don't crack your head. Don't crack your head.

And if I had a helmet, I might be like, well, I spent, you know, I spent $80 on a helmet. You know, no. Yeah. What, you going to use it? Right. No, it's been good so far. So I got a, uh, I got a couple more games lined up, uh, pick up games,

which is the shit. Um, well, I'll watch. I mean, I'll, I'll, I'll go skate in the corner. Like, you know, I'm, you know, watch me fucking play hockey with people who actually know how to play. And you'll do that whole Dorothy Hamel, uh, idea that you have of me is going to be out the fucking window. It took everything I had to not fall on my face.

What would happen if you gave me a stick and I had to concentrate on a buck, be a nightmare? Well, at least you probably wouldn't fall down as much. You didn't fall down at all. But then if you got the stick, it kind of helps you stay up. Yeah. I gotta admit, it's weird skating without a stick. Oh, I don't have confidence skating backwards without a stick.

There's something about us. I'm just used to that. Yeah. I don't know why and having all my stuff on. So if I fall down, I don't bruise like my, my, my toe, you know, how about that guy who was dressed nice? Oh, the guy who looked like he was going out to the club. Guy looked like he was going to a wedding reception.

He was so good at skating. He looked like he was going to, he had like nice pants on and he was just whipping around there. That's right. He wasn't sweating at all. Probably went right to the club, got blown and then fucking left. Showed up to the club holding them. Exactly.

Hey, by the way, we, we want to thank everybody who came out to the show so far on this tour. We're having a great fucking time up here. And even the New Yorker, Paul Verzi, is saying that he loves Canada. We're having a great time up here. A lot of people make fun of this country. I don't know why. I like them.

You know, I like about these guys is Russia's going into the Ukraine and you can, you know, and they can sit here and shake their heads like, wow, we don't approve of that, but they're not going to be like, you know, Canada never really has gotten involved. Right. Canada has never been one to get involved. No, no, no. Well, they'll, we dragged them into our fucking messes.

Like a bunch of their guys have gotten, have gotten killed over in the Middle East. If you watch the hockey night in Canada, Don Cherry shows them all the time. It's fucking brutal because they actually show them. We don't show them down there because after they, all the college kids protested Vietnam and, you know, they figured out, well, don't show this shit on the news. So they just, you know, drag them.

That's funny. They're like the neighbor that like is laid back and doesn't want to go out to the club and we're like, no, just starting to fight. We start a fight like, right, Paul, right. Canada, you think that too, right? Yeah. I mean, kind of, I don't know if we resort to violence. Yeah.

So anyways, uh, how far into this thing am I? Can I get in with the, uh, the questions here or do I have any other stories? We're about 35 minutes and I hang on one second. I appreciate you doing this fucking video. Um, I mean video, the fucking podcast here because, uh, tell me, man, I fucked up my my throat. I was yelling last weekend. I fucked it up.

So I'm trying to avoid here. Um, all right, let's get into the questions here for this week. Uh, alcohol and cardiac health. All right. So here it is so far. By the way, that's a perfect topic. It is, isn't it? Yes.

It's a pleasant topic because Paul, this is the longest that and the longest I've hung out with you without absolutely destroying my liver. No, I was just on the phone with my wife and I said, stays not one drop of alcohol. Not one drink. Did she believe you? No, she goes, yeah. And I go, and I go, not only that, I had seven fucking salads. I said, I've eaten seven salads.

I've eaten seven salads and I've had not one drink of alcohol. I haven't had a cigar. I have been an angel, but you know what? Yeah. The buck stops here. Okay. I'm telling you right now. The devil is tossing.

Oh, oh, one of the greatest lines. One of the greatest lines. Bill Burr ever said we were out. We were smoking a cigar without booze. No, we weren't. No, we weren't. We were, we were, we were driving out to the fucking gig in Long Island. Oh, we, I was before the cigar.

We're driving out to a gig in Long Island. The music tent. Well, yeah, the, uh, the, the Westbury music fair. And, and we're sitting there and we're talking about how we haven't drank and we're talking about cigars and, uh, Bill starts the sentence with this. He goes, but Paul, I gotta tell you, and I'm thinking the next thing out of his mouth, I feel great. I don't want to drink anymore.

And he just goes, I got to tell you, man, the devil inside of me is tossing and turning. And I said, that is a fucking movie line. I said, Scorsese or fucking Tarantino has to hear that. The devil inside. I can feel the devil tossing and turning. I could feel the devil tossing and turning. Oh, great line. Great line.

I said yesterday I go, our two devils are in some room right now just going, what the fuck let us out. No, dude, we've had, we've basically been up here on a, a, a kind of a mandate as we've been doing so far. It's been fucking ridiculous reading salads. I'm going to bed it like I'm going to bed early. I'm drinking water. I'm drinking water.

It's just, you know, you know, it was hilarious was when we went into that bar after in, in Moncton nightmare, uh, like how hammered those people got. Oh my God. And seeing how drunk I know, and I don't judge them because I look and go, that's what I do. But you never get like that. I've done that. Oh, no, no, they were friendly drunk. They were friendly drunk people touching your shoulder.

No, I don't like that. No, no, I yell. I can yell like there's a point where I get drunk. I'm a, I'm a happy drunk. But if I get drunk and there's somebody that just, I don't know what they just fucking. No, you turn into bleach your creature fan when you get like really that. Sporting. You're a yellow.

Yeah, you're a yellow. Like you yell Alabama. Oh, that's, he does every syllable at the Alabama LSU game. Alabama is the dream ends tonight. And all of these like crimson tide people who were wearing dockers and like are looking at them going, what is he talking about? I didn't know what there was. I didn't know the sec was like that.

I thought they were fucking. I didn't realize it was such like, no, you said something about someone's. They're so quiet. No, one time you, because you never, you never said anything bad. But one time you, you said something about someone like a mother, but you didn't say about someone's direct mother. You were just like, Jesus. No, you were like, yeah, mother's like, no, you said something about that.

Like, but not like direct. And one guy just goes like, well, like they just looked at you like that. They were so horrified. They were so horrified. It was so funny. And then, and then the time you, you actually made me embarrassed and blush almost when you, what you did to the kicker of the Miami Dolphins, that guy carpenter last year. Like I'm, I'm sitting there.

I'm sitting there. I'm a comic. I get, I think things are funny. I'm drinking and you're just relentlessly. Hey carpenter, carpenter. And everyone was at the Cincinnati Bengals game and everyone's looking at Bill and I'm leaning away from him in bad carpenter. You're a liability carpenter.

And the field go kicker. Get your, get your real estate license. And you had half the people laughing and I'm going, Bill is fucking. The guy in front of me, the Bengals fans said, get on that guy carpenter. He said, kicker. He said, yeah, it was a close game. So, you know, no, they were all into it, but I was like, Oh my God. I was cheering for the home team.

He's going in. That's too bad. I see that's why I got to be honest with you. Like I, uh, I'm liking like living like this. I'm going to fuck it up tonight. Tonight we're actually in Toronto and we're going to the Maple Leafs game. And I've been trying to explain to Paul what an absolute honor and privilege it is to somehow score Maple Leaf tickets because I have hookups.

Like literally NHL office. I blog for them. So I still know a couple of people over there. And I never hit them up for tickets or whatever, but like the Maple Leafs are the only ones they don't give a fuck. Like they just like, yeah, no, there's no tickets. No, somebody told me, have you been to account? Have you been to a hockey game in Canada before?

And I said, no, and they go, it's another, it's a whole other level. Oh, it's awesome. Like it's fucking awesome. They go, no, I'm really excited. And they, they, they obviously, it's their game. They know the game. They, they won the men's and the women's gold. No, we talked yesterday.

Being in Canada lets me know when a son and father skate together. It's like the equivalent of a father and son throwing the ball in the backyard baseball. Like, you know, I've never seen a story that had that many hockey skates. Like everything is hockey. Dude, that oval thing, I've never seen anything like that. I thought that was the coolest fucking thing ever. Like I always like, like that's the kind of shit. Like if I ever moved back East, I would build that in my back.

I would build a backyard hockey rink. There's no fucking way I wouldn't. It's goddamn global warming. By the time I fucking do it, I'm not going to be able to fucking live in the Yukon to do it. All right, let's do, let's do some, some questions here for this week. Alk, yeah, that's right. That's what set this whole thing off. Alcohol and cardiac health.

Hey, Billy cream tits. They insult me every week, Paul. This is their way of saying that they like me. For a couple of years in a row during Lent, I abstained from alcohol. It sucked, but it felt good to challenge myself. I did this because all my life I've always heard that total abstinence is the best health. However, recent research has shown that moderate drinkers actually have reduced risk for coronary heart disease up to 29% lower than total abstainers.

Although researchers aren't clear as to why it's food for thought. If I were you, if I were you, I would have a damn drink if you want one. I know it's tough sometimes to drink in moderation. I simply try hard to not binge anymore. Having said that, you are probably healthier having the occasional cocktail rather than the occasional cigar. You might actually live longer, love the show, have fun in Canada, come back to the Bay Area and go fuck yourself.

That's not a new study. That's a study that they've been saying forever that, you know, one glass of wine is supposed to be good. And I agree with that 100%. That's the carrot cake we had, you know? That's the carrot cake. You got to do it. You got to do it, you know, because then you binge.

Are you going to explain to the listeners what the carrot cake was? Oh, no. Yeah. So sorry. So I'm like talking to you. No, the carrot cake was when we went to that place and we had that ridiculous lunch and mocked in the first day we were there. And I asked for the Arnold Palmer.

This isn't when we went skating together. No, no, no. This is when we had carrot cake together. Yeah, yeah. This has been our trip, dude. This is fucking ridiculous. I'm starting to become this guy that needs a dessert. With the next sick, freaking Roy.

You're not like this. You're not a coffee dessert guy. But as I'm getting older, I don't know what it is, but after I eat a good meal, I need a piece of chocolate or something. My dad was the same way. So we go to this bar. We eat this great food. And I triangle, triangle thing.

And I say to the, and I said, look, you know, do you have something? And she goes, we got this carrot cake and I'm at an Irish pub and I'm like, you know what? Everything was great. I bet you this is great. This is delicious. So I go, all right, bring the carrot cake over. She gives a big piece.

I go, Bill, you want half of this thing? I don't want to eat the whole thing. He goes, sure. We bite this fucking thing and I'm going. And then afterwards you go, yeah, man, we were really healthy except for the carrot cake. And that, that question is right. That question is a hundred percent right.

You got to do it. Dude, how about the fact that it was homemade? It was delicious. All their desserts are homemade. Sorry. That's my fucking phone. It's delicious. And I, Jesus, come on, come on, enough.

I'm sorry. Yeah. So I agree with the occasional, you know, the wine a day, a couple of drinks. Look, if we go out and have three to four cocktails tonight, okay, just stay clean the next, you know what I mean? No, I don't know what you mean because I do that. And then the next time I go on a nice little run of not drinking is like two, three years later because I just, you know,

you can't, you can't, you don't have a couple. And then when this tour is over, go back on the thing. I mean, that hasn't been my pattern. I enjoyed Paul and what I'm at a point now where I haven't done it in a while. So now I'm kind of enjoying not doing it and I'm afraid to go back to doing that. Not because I, not because I'm literally an alcoholic, just because all the extra fucking bullshit that comes along with it, what you do, although whatever, who's, well, I'm not, I'm not going to fucking dwell on this shit anymore

because I know I'm going to go back to drinking. So what the fuck? And everybody's hating on cigars, dude. I got to tell you something right now. A cigar a week is not bad for you. I'm going, I'm going to say that a cigar a week is not bad for you. And you can say that without doing any research. I love it.

No, no, no, that's 52 cigars a year. It's a joke. What is that? I'm not inhaling anything. I'm enjoying the taste of something. Yeah, what you're putting in your mouth. Right. And I wash my mouth out and I brush my teeth.

It's like, it's like 10 cigarettes for your mouth. That, that studies horseshit. It's not a study. My dentist said it to me. Oh, okay. So then he's, he's kind of in the medical field. I mean, maybe he knows a doctor. Where can somebody say not inhaling a cigar is like smoking 10 cigarettes?

No, no, no. He said for your mouth, he's saying you're not, it's not bad for your lungs. Look, dude, Michael Douglas was a big time cigar smoker. And that guy, he had throat cancer. He had that. Paul, you're putting fucking smoke in your mouth. I know, but I mean, Schwarzenegger, they say smokes like four a day. Every day of his life, he's fine.

You know, I told you that. Well, I think you got to do it for a while. That guy, Hamo in Boston. Oh my God. I showed you the picture of him. This guy designed, it was, this guy designed a cigar jewelry. What's North End? Is that Boston?

Yes. Yeah. So the North End of Boston now only has the only, has the only cigar bar lounge in Boston now because they close the other one. So it's the North End and it's a great place. And he, the mayor of Boston was in there. All these politicians were in there. It was hysterical.

And the owner has the fake tan and pinky rings. Hey, how you doing? How you doing? He's kissing, you know, he's kissing guys on the cheek. Like in the, it's so fun. Hey, dog, glad. Thank you guys. Thank you guys for coming out.

Did you, did you enjoy? I said, yeah, I love to go. Oh, come, this is the place. You come to this place. And then he's got this little friend named Hamo and he goes, and I go, hey, what's that man? Is that a, they sell jewelry? He goes, it's my, it's mine.

It's my, you know, I don't own, I just own this here. And he had cigar cufflinks. He had a cigar, everything was cigar. He had a cigar ring and it was a diamond ash tray with a, with a white gold cigar on it and a red ruby to indicate the, the lit that it was lit in the cigar. And I go, you swung. He goes, everything's, I'm not, I'm not joking or trying to be fun. He goes, I was there with the matter.

I reached my brother and he goes, everything's cigar. He said, the three things he liked. He goes, my kids, pussy cigar. And it was the funniest. And he was dead serious. And he goes, he goes, four to five minimum day, six minimum. He goes, I smoked nine a day. Bill, he pulled out the sixth one of the night.

His, I go, how, I go, hey, dude, how, how many is that for you? He goes, this six, right? I swear to God, it was the size of a fucking cucumber. And he's just smoking it. And he's going, you want, you want $80 a stick. You want it. There's the best. It's the best.

I saw a guy outside of firehouse on eighth avenue when I was in New York. I walked by and I know I smelled the cigar. I always got to turn my head like, God, Jesus Christ. It's good. Let me get to the point. It's like hearing high heels on a floor. You just have to look, you know. And now when I smell the cigar, I got to look to see,

like, look at the band to see what the stuff. I looked this guy. It looked like he was smoking a pickle, a brown. It was like, he couldn't put it between his two fingers. So he had to hold it like, like a fuck. I'd never seen anything like it. Wow. It was fucking.

I didn't even know how he lit it. It's a fireman. It's fucking. He probably lit it at his last fire. Like a house had to be on fire so he could actually like this fucking thing. Now I would think that those guys are bad. I would think that those guys have a problem. Well, he's probably thinking I'm fighting fires

and breathing this shit in anyways. God knows, dude. You go up to a building. God knows what's in it. What's on fire or what was deemed safe. Just don't light it on fire. Because I mean, all that computer shit, plastics and all that stuff becomes carcinogens.

Doesn't it? The second it starts going in the air. What's the most, Jesus, I don't know. What's the most cigar you ever had in a day? Have you ever had two or three in a day? I've had two back to back. And then somebody said to me one time, I said, Hey, you want to have another one?

And he goes, you know, I never found the second cigar to be better than the first one. And that's just like, you know, it's a good point. So I always kind of keep it. That too. But you know what? I smoke them, dude. I smoke them all the way down to my fingers.

Yeah. Well, no, I thought I was telling somebody that strong one that we had in New York. I said, when Burr first lit the strong one, he goes, Oh man, this is strong. And I'm thinking since I've been smoked, because you know, when Lawhead was in town, Lawhead goes, You got five in two days.

Like you got to calm down. I was going. So I thought you actually handled that one better. You got it down to the thing. I couldn't handle it. I'm like two years old. Oh yeah, I felt like I was hot. No, once I got it going, I you got it down to the,

you got it down under the under the stick. Yeah, but I wasn't. I wasn't huffing on it the way I usually, a lot of that was burning. So I kind of, I got a long, longer time out of it. But when I went to light that thing, dude, like I swear to God, if I had a couple of scotches in me,

I probably would have puked. I felt like I was sucking on the tailpipe of a car. It's not like it didn't, it didn't have a good flavor. It was just, it was like, it was too rich 10 years. It was like, it was like you're eating a piece of cake. That's just, you know, it was like Paul,

it was like putting smoke in your fucking mouth. You know, it's bad for you. It's just 52 times a year. I stand by in a bus. It's delicious though. It is. It is, and we're going to do it. Hey, you know, I, my wife recently diagnosed me

with having fucking ADD. She's told me forever that I have ADD and I never bought into it. And she finally went to the website and she read all the things, dude. And it was just like, they might as well just had a picture of me sitting there, not listening to somebody focusing on some aunt

walking across the table before looking at something else. Do you have that problem? I think a lot, I think a lot of, a lot of myself and a lot of my comedian friends have that. Yeah, I think it's. And do you think that that's why we think in bits rather than scripts?

I think it's because I think our minds constantly are going. You know, our minds are constantly going, whether it's trying to be creative, whether it's thinking of this, whether it's being upset, we're just, we can't concentrate. What I would say, I wasn't a good student.

What I would say is that we're no different than anybody else who's scatterbrained, which is funny scatterbrained. Maybe. You know what I mean? Yeah, maybe. Because they always try to attribute, like they had something recently

where they tried to say that, you know, they did some study, you know, who nobody knows, who the fuck did it, was trying to say that, you know, they interviewed all these comedians, you know, for this study to figure out what makes comedians funny.

Now, immediately, I'm thinking any comedian worth anything is not going to be participating in that fucking thing. Or if they're new and they're struggling, they'll participate and they're going to give bullshit answers just to make their friend laugh

for themselves laugh. Right. So they came up with this whole thing that, you know, comedians are all sociopaths or some fucking. Oh, I saw it. I didn't like it. That's ridiculous.

It is because I'm not saying there aren't comedians who are sociopaths, but there's firemen, there's mothers, there's all kinds of people that are, leaders of the world who are sociopaths. It just, what it is is that,

I think it's people who aren't funny. Only somebody who's not funny would try to figure out why the fuck something's funny. Absolutely. Like I wouldn't even know, I wouldn't even, like when you were talking about that guy

at the Yankee game, who kept yelling out, they had this commercial where it was a bunch of Yankee fans you were saying that had spelt out Yankees across their chest. Then they were wrong. Yeah.

And they were hammered or whatever, right? Or they just were wrong. They were just like, they were just not organized where it said Yankee. So it said Ansky. Ansky. So this guy at the game,

any time there was a lull in the game, out of nowhere, whatever it is. Yeah. It would, there would be a lull in the game and he would go, hey, hey, what the hell is Ansky?

And everybody would just start laughing. Yeah. And he knew when to do it. Yes. Like that guy, he had a, now that guy was not a comedian, but he had that comic timing

when there was a lull in the game. He knew. It wasn't important. Yeah. Time in the game. He knew probably when there was a TV time out. Yep. You know,

and he wanted to keep the excitement going in people's focus. Like that some, you just it's, it's like when I look at people who can like just fucking play an instrument, unbelievably play it by ear, you know,

that's obviously just a hobby for me. So I have a tremendous amount of respect for people who could do that shit. But like, they could never just break down. Like, would you just sit there and be like, no, what, what makes this guy be able to play the guitar like that?

It's just like, that's just, they're good at it. It's an envious nerd who can't do it. That's what it is. It's somebody who wish, maybe they wish they could do comedy. But the fact that somebody would do a study

saying comedians are all sociopaths, that person never picked up a microphone once in their life. And maybe they, maybe they had an issue with a comedian. No, I'm not saying that I'm not a sociopath, but you, you know, you're a family man.

You got two kids. Listen, you seem all right. Listen, are you a psychopath? Comedians might be narcissistic. Sociopath, I looked up the definition of sociopath.

Okay. There's like 11 things or something like that that you could have. Dude, let's look this up. Go it up right now. Look this up.

One thing I know for a fact, anti-social parents is one of them. Okay. Parents who, but like, I mean anti-social, the world's out to get you. No, we're not going over there.

They think this of us. We're not going over there. All right. Check, check one for me. What? My parents will like that. Hey, can I go on this field trip?

No, Christ, I had a patient in the other day. He went on a field trip and he fell off the bus. He's gone. He's gone. There's nothing you can do about it. That was one of my first jokes I did in my act.

Whatever you wanted to do, my dad had a patient in the other day and the kid died from it. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. He didn't want to drive us over to do it. No, my dad, my dad would do it.

Now I look at it. It's fucking hilarious. I wouldn't do it either with one kid. Forget about having fucking all the ones he had. Hang on a second. How to spot a sociopath. Sorry about the bad mic here.

Sociopath traits. Which I misspelled. Spelt trats. How to identify a sociopath. Telling signs and behavior. Oh, what the fuck? Why won't this work? Come on, man.

My dad used to say people that when he disagreed with that, they were crazy. There we go. Not crazy. They're crazy. He's a sociopath. All right, here we go.

What is a sociopath that gives a fuck common traits? All right, the common characteristics and personality traits of sociopaths are based on the criteria used by clinicians who use the DSM. I thought, what the fuck? Don't they realize morons want to read this?

I don't give a shit. Just make a list. Yeah, there should be just a list there. There should. Dumb it down, right? One of the most common personality characteristics of sociopath is their grandiose sense of self-entitlement.

No, I don't have that. I go the other way. Sociopaths also often display a lack of remorse. Yep. And most have a very manipulative personality covered by superficial charm. Jesus, I know a couple of those.

Dude, I know a couple of these guys. Me too. All right, now wait a minute. So I'm not. No, dude, you're a narcissist who has ADD. Yeah, I would be that. Yeah, I would go with that. That's yeah.

I would totally go with that. Dude, that's hit man shit. That's hit man. I don't have a sense of self-entitlement. No, dude, a hit man blows someone's brains out and goes eat a sandwich. That's a sociopath. Yeah, he gets mad that he got blood on his shirt, right?

Yeah, that was that was that thing in Goodfellas. Yeah, I'm sorry about your floor. That's that's it. That's what it is. I didn't want to get blood on the floor. It's sociopaths, people today. All right, friendships and romantic partners are often frequently disregarded

and replaced when the relationship no longer suits their self-centered needs. The emotions of a sociopath. No, but even like the guy I was just thinking about about being a sociopath. He doesn't have that. Well, I guess can you have like most of it and then be a sociopath?

What do you think they're Dr. Versey? Not Dr. Versey? Being talked to by not Dr. Burr? No, I think what's it called? I think that it's the remorse thing. And I definitely think it's the first thing you said. The sense of entitlement like this is the cool one here. Look at this one.

Jesus Christ. Cool like in like a reptilian scary way. The emotions of a sociopath may appear to be sincere on the surface. Cleverly disguised by superficial charm and feigned interest. Jesus Christ. That was me in every class classroom I ever was in. Sitting there acting like you were interested

so they wouldn't fucking call on you. Many sociopaths use manipulative measures to draw others to them. Chronic lying is a characteristic of nearly all sociopaths. Wrecklessness and aggressive behaviors are other characteristics as well as impulsivity. A lack of remorse.

You already said that. Or what is generally termed conscience is typical for sociopaths. This guy's repeating himself. The combination of at least three of the common sociopath characteristics paints a pretty good description of the common sociopath.

I don't know. I actually lost interest halfway fucking through that. All right. I wasn't even trying to be funny. That came out of my mouth and I realized I just did that again. Why don't you look up a narcissist? See the difference.

Because narcissists is a selfishness but it's almost like a good guy selfishness. Yeah, but dude, I'm a Gemini. So I have like, I can be really like, I mean, I think- My son's a Gemini. Lucas is a Gemini. But I think I'm mainly a narcissist.

But then I could be like really considerate and generous. Dude, Lucas, my son Lucas is a Gemini. He's got, when you look at what a Gemini's traits are dude, he's every one of them. Jesus Christ. When are you taking out the crystal ball? All right, hang on a second. I love how I brought up fucking-

What do you mean crystal ball? I love how I brought up Gemini's and then you start talking about signs and then I act like you brought it up. All right, here. How do you spell narcissist? Come on, Paul. Let's show it done.

We are N-A-R, narcissists. Narcissism. I would say N-A-R, maybe what? C-A maybe? I would have gone with that if the right spelling didn't come up. Narcissistic traits or- Let's go with behaviors.

Narcissistic behaviors. All right. Because narcissists have remorse. That's what I- Yeah, I think so. They feel bad, they suck. Oh, here we go. I found one that's dumbed down.

30 red flags of being a narcissist. Here we go. Go ahead, go ahead. All right. All right. You feel on edge around this person, but you still want to- But you still want them to like you.

What is this? Wait, so let me- I gotta figure out what the fuck- Who is you in this? So what's the difference about this list? Well, for one, it's specifically about relationship, but it's also about you. Each point requires introspection and self-awareness.

Because if you want to spot toxic people, you cannot focus entirely on their behavior. That's only half the battle. Oh, that's pretty cool. You must also come to recognize the looming red flags in your own heart. All right, so this is saying if you're in a relationship with a narcissist.

Yeah, they don't have a list? They don't just have- I'm trying to make it easy. No, no, I thought they said 30 lists, like 30 things, nothing? Well, maybe we can actually use our brains and just figure this out here. Okay, you feel on edge around this person,

but you still want them to like you. Two, uses sex as a tool for control. Creepo. That's sick. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over communication

as a source of confidence. Wow. Oh, so they give it to you, then they take it away. You're not texting me four times a day. Did I do something wrong? Oh, then I'm definitely- Is that what they're doing?

No, I'm not. Yeah, I'm not that. No. I can't spell enough words to text more than 30 times a day. All right. Quickly declares you their soulmate. I don't do that.

Compares you to everyone else in their life. You just like my mother. Lies. You remind me of my uncle Peaty. Lies and excuses. Lies and excuses. That's everybody. No startle response.

You know what the fuck? Can you just have a one for dumb people? All right. Here we go. Red flag narcissistic behaviors. Jesus Christ. Look at the bitch's fucking picture on this. Holy shit.

Is this about her? Is she going to tell me? Okay. Extreme infatuation with one self, self-centered, expects to be recognized as superior. All right. Now you're getting- Now you're getting warmer.

Is that you? Now you're getting warmer. No, I don't want to be superior. I mean, you know. Extreme infatuation with one self, self-centered expects to be recognized. Just picture somebody combing their mane in the mirror. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power,

success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Sees himself as special to this fucking marriage. It should only have to affiliate. Oh, shit. This is funny. This is a good one. This is a great one. Sees himself as special and should only have to affiliate

with others of the similar stature. Tell you, I should be friends with that Obama. I can't believe he hasn't called me yet. That's fucking funny, man. Takes advantage of others. Takes advantage of others to achieve his needs. Demonstrates that's an ugly one. The other ones are funny.

But what's the ugly one? What's the one? Takes advantage of others to achieve his needs. I don't like that one. That other shit, just staring in the mirror. No, just thinking you should be friends with everybody. Like it was big. Demonstrates a constant need for admiration or approval.

You know, my dad used to be upstairs shaving. It was sort of a joke, but he wasn't joking. But he was. It was funny. We'd be downstairs eating breakfast or something. We'd be up there getting ready for work and he'd be shaving in the mirror. And then when he finished, he'd just hear me be like,

Good look, it's son of a bitch. And my mother would always laugh and shake her head. But I think that's more, she just liked a confident guy or something like that. I think that sounds kind of like a joke. Like I have a joke. Yeah, yeah. He's playing.

What are you saying out loud? But I do that. Makes me laugh all the time. I'll do it. I'll do that. That's great. I'll just be like, God damn it. I'm a good looking guy.

I'll just do shit like that. Oh, shut up. Right? Yeah. There we go. Everybody's going to text me. What a fucking ugly bastard I am. Like I don't know that already.

Fuck yourselves. Demonstrates a constant need for admiration or approval. Exaggerates personal achievements while minimizing those of others. That's fucking hilarious. I want to be around this guy. I'll tell you, you know, it was great. It's great the way you came up with the game plan.

But the way I was cheering in the crowd, I got this chant going. I tell you, I could see it in Tom Brady's face. He knew. He knew by what I was doing in the crowd and then he tries to knock the other guy's chant. He called an audible, which I wouldn't have done. I would have stuck with the play.

But then it says he diminishes the other guy. Yeah, the other guy's chant was all right, but I got more of him going. And that guy came up to me at the end of the game. And he said, you were great. I don't usually say this, but you were amazing. Keep going. This list is great.

You know why this is? Because this reminds me of so many guys I used to hang out with and gamble with and all that type of shit. Like all these guys, like this is a brutal. If you're a narcissist and you walk into a fucking casino, it's fucking brutal because you're going to walk in thinking you're James Bond and you have this system and you're going to take the whole fucking house down.

I got to tell you, there's nothing funnier than that one that you read that said that they think they're superior. So they should only be hanging out with people that are superior. That is so fucking hilarious. Yeah. All right. It's convinced that he slash she is unique. I like how that just suggests that just takes it.

We're all special. This website is like, no, you're not. Feels entitled to special treatment and that rules frequently don't apply to him. I don't have the first half, but I have the second half. I have problems with authority. I definitely do. I told you that story, right?

Where I didn't. I told you that fucking story. Oh yeah. I didn't get caught either. My proposed love and marriage within only a few weeks, might may propose love and marriage with only within only a few weeks of starting a relationship. That definitely wasn't me.

Very charismatic or charming at first, but can quickly switch from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. There's fucking ladies. These are all just the same thing over and over again. Oh wait. Panics cries, begs and becomes emotional if he anticipates and end to a relationship. That's not me.

I swear to God, I'll pay attention to you more. I was wrong. What do you want me to do? I love you. I was wrong. May harass or stalk you if you do break up. Oh, because he wants to be the one who breaks up. Or she quick to anger or feel insulted or slighted,

rages with anger or inflicts the silent treatment when upset. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I got that quick to anger. I got that. I wouldn't stalk somebody. Denies he slash she has issues to work to work on. That's fucking sees himself herself as nearly perfect. I fucking love this guy.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? That's so funny. Maybe you ought to work on yourself. Adapt around me. Drives recklessly and way too fast. Exaggerates the truth or blatantly lies. Dude, I want to be around this guy.

And just listen to him tell stories. This is the funniest shit. Rarely treats anyone with respect or kindness. Doesn't acknowledge. Doesn't acknowledge or respect others. Boundaries always wants to be in control. May drink and drive regularly. Yeah, because he doesn't give a fuck about other people.

His slash her need for attention, time and space matter. Oh, his need for time, for attention, time and space matter. Yours, your needs do not. Let me just read one more of these before this gets boring. Uses sex as a weapon through withholding, controlling or being overly demanding. I said, suck it. It's the best dick ever.

Doesn't appear to have a conscious, does not take criticism well and becomes easily defensive, is easily hurt and insulted. Jesus Christ. That's what has a fucking hilarious list. Oh, really funny. That is funny though, huh? Sees himself as fucking superior

and should only be hanging around superior beings. All right, let me, let me read. Oh, I gotta do a little, I gotta do the other fucking advertising here. Where the hell am I? All right, I got two more, right? Two more, two more on two, ready, break. Okay.

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All right. Tell them what you got going on, Paul. Oh, Monday morning podcast listeners. You want to come and see me? Well, you know what, I'm going to be. Tell them what you got going on, go ahead. I'm going to be, I'm going to be, what do you mean?

I'm going to be in fucking Canada with you. I'm going to be out here in Canada with Bill until March 21st, everybody. Away from my wife and kids and with this maniac for the next fucking two and a half weeks. And you know something, the more I think about it, if you think I'm doing water for the next two and a half fucking weeks,

it's on tonight. I'm tapping out 53 days. That's it. I'm, I'm dry. Yeah, it stops here. Dude, all of a sudden my fucking throat got really dry. All right, let's try this again. Take three.

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and that they know that I sent you there. Go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. Now click on the Hulu plus banner on the podcast page at billburr.com. Oh, there's one more here. Sorry. Hang on. I got to get some water here.

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Well, you know, I read the same copy every week. You'd think I'd get it down by now. Oh, you do? It's like it doesn't change. For the most part, it doesn't. Where I fuck up, where I fuck up. Yeah, it shouldn't be. It shouldn't.

All right. Let's, let's go here. Time travel. Um, time travel, Billy Thrills. Um, if you could travel to any time period, period prior to 1900, but you were forced to live out your life there and you couldn't come back to the present, where would you choose to go?

Keep in mind anything before 1900 means everyone probably smells and dies at 40 years of age. That's not true. Not if you have money, you live long. Ben Franklin looked for a long time and he was a fucking boozebag out there flying his kite in the rain. Did he live long? Yeah.

Yeah. He lived to like be like 70. Oh, wow. Yeah. And he went out there with his kite in the rain and he was fucking shitfaced. So he had his house keys tied to the thing. That's the real story of how we discovered electricity.

He was fucking hammered. Are you serious? Yeah, he was out of his fucking mind. And if he was actually stone sober, he probably would have died because he would have tensed up when he got electrocuted, but because he was drunk, he was all relaxed, like, hey man, and he just rolled down the hill, landed on his bolt.

That's actually how he went bald. He went down the hill like when the lightning struck, it hit the key and it blew tough his head off. What? Yeah. New studies have shown all of this. Oh, I thought it was just fucking male pattern baldness. No, you got electrocuted.

No, like 30% of people, this is the worst thing they never talk about. If you get struck by lightning, like, you immediately, it blows off that top part. Are you serious? Yeah. And it doesn't come back either. Well, it wouldn't make a difference with me, but fuck it.

That's why, like Michael Bolton does that charity. He does that charity thing for... Don't tell me he does a charity for people that get struck by lightning. By lightning, their hair blown off. I can't believe you believe in this shit. I'm just making the whole of this up. Yeah, the fucking top of the head, yeah.

No, it doesn't. But does he have a charity? Michael Bolton. Yeah. But not for that. No. Oh, I fucking committed to that. I did.

All right, let's continue. I'm sitting here like this fucking... Dude, that was getting so deep, I couldn't keep a straight face. I'm like, there's no way he's believing this one. All right, this one. Skidded down the hill. I said, that's how he went bald.

And I go, no, no, wait, here's a better lie. And you're still like, really? Is that what happened? Jesus Christ, Paul. What's the world coming to? All right, Paul, if you could live any time period before 1900, anywhere, any time... Oh, man.

Where would you go? I don't know. I would go somewhere where there was a war. But wait, but in the question, can I take things from present? Oh, see, good time traveled any period, 1900. Dude, what the fuck would you bring here? The second you pulled anything out,

they think you were a witch and they kill you. No, what I'm saying is I would go to there with like shit that they don't have now. That's what I'm saying. And like in a war, though, and I fucking just laced, like if I took a side, you know, you'd go with a couple Oozies or a fucking machine gun, you'd just fucking lay,

you'd win that you'd be a fucking god forever. You'd be a hero. You'd be like, you'd be a god. So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna walk out in the field in your snikey fucking sweatshirt and your Jordans? Yeah, just walk out dressed like this, and they would be like, you know,

when they were packing muskets and doing the whole thing. And I'd be like, no, no, no, guys, I got this. So what year? What year? So I just fucking, and they would be like, oh my god, I'd just be the fucking man forever. I'd be the man forever. You imagine that?

Yeah, I'm trying to wrap my head around where they're not completely freaked out by you. You're gonna go with what, wait, first of all, first of all, what year are you going back to? Well, he said what? He said prior to 1900? Yeah, so what year are you going back to? The packing muskets.

So what are we talking here? Well, there was a couple of them, wasn't there? What is it? Like 18, like 1870s? 1870s? Right. Well, by 1870s, they had like the Winchesters and those repeating rifles.

And they actually had their first machine gun in the Civil War, I believe, Spanish-American. Anyways, we had the little crank. You fucking mowed them down. So I'd go before that time then. So you're talking like, if I was you, I would go early 1800s. Okay, so I'd go early 1800s.

Yeah. And I would bring some sort of... Who you gonna mow down? Um... What if you went in the French and Indian War and you actually fought on the side of the Indians? What year it was? Just mowed down a bunch of French people.

Well, either way, whichever side I decided to choose, like when I got there and they saw that I showed up from a time machine, right, one group's gonna be nicer to me, right? No, they're all gonna be completely freaked out by you. Right, but one... There's gonna be the one... You knew you was a threat

and you'll probably have to turn your oozy on them. Then you'd have to steal their clothes and then try to fucking do an accent. I would choose a side of the people that were the nicest, warmest to me when I got there and then I would fucking become their savior. Nobody's gonna be nice to you, Paul. Do you understand that if I did that,

they would rewrite the book on me? They would be a mythical... No, they would kill you. No, I would be like their Jesus. They would kill you, Paul. They would kill you. They would tell stories. What happened to Jesus?

No, they would tell... What happened to Jesus? They got crucified. Right, yeah, but they didn't have an oozy. Okay, so... Yeah, but you're gonna run out of bullets, though. In the question, it doesn't specify what I'm coming with. I'm gonna go prepared.

How big is this fucking time machine? No, no, no. No, I'm gonna go with a bunch of clips and a couple of oozzies, okay? And they're gonna write fucking stories about me. They're gonna have mass murdering psycho from the fucking future. They're gonna go some mythical... Wearing lazy clothes.

Some Italian thing from New York. Lazy clothes that some Italian do from New York. They don't even know what New York is. Actually, maybe they want New York. Yeah, dude, you know what... Listen, Paul, this is the key... They wouldn't all kill me. They wouldn't all kill me.

But, Paul... I would say I'm here to help you. Listen, I came to this... Listen to what I would tell them, okay? And then you tell them what you'd say. I'd say, look, I came from the future to help you. This machine brought me here to help you. I'm gonna solve your problems.

And then I would fucking pull out the... Okay, let me ask you this, Paul. Let's do this. Let's say, fucking after this tour, you can't sleep one night and you look out your backyard and you see this fucking thing appear out of nowhere and this guy gets out and starts walking towards your fucking house

from a time machine. And let's just say you have a shotgun. And this guy walks up and he goes, no, no, hey, listen, listen, Paul. Paul, he's wearing these weird workout clothes from 300 years in the future. Listen, I'm here to help you. I'm here to do things that you're gonna like.

You're gonna fucking trust this guy? No, no, no. Because I was sleeping in my bed and I'm not... I'm talking about I want to show up into a conflict. I want to show up to the moment of a conflict and fucking take a side and win it. I want to win the game for the team. This is what I'm saying.

It's a very narcissistic behavior here, Paul. You know? You think he's just gonna show up on a battlefield? They're gonna be like, our brothers. Show up and you fucking walk out of this thing with a hoodie sweatshirt and a fucking Uzi. And the Union Army and the rebels are not gonna... Like, one of them is gonna embrace you.

Yeah, one of those groups are losing fathers and sons. And I go, I got this. Fuck the musket. And I just fucking... I just fucking lace out an army. They're gonna look at me like, dude, this guy, what are they gonna do? They're gonna go, we've been saved.

They would... Once they realized you were mortal, they would fucking... They would take your weapons is what they would do. How'd they get in the Uzi from me if they're fucking packing a musket and they have knives? Because... What are you talking about, Paul?

Because you're gonna have your fucking back to them. If you're shooting at the other guy. Paul, you know what they're gonna do? They're gonna probably act nice to you. This would be hilarious. And then what they're gonna do is they're gonna try to figure out where the fuck you came from. They're gonna immediately confiscate your fucking time machine

and they're gonna try to see if they can duplicate it so... Wait, so they can run the fucking world. Okay, how are they gonna confiscate the time machine from me? When I'm the one with the ammo, I'm the one with the semi-automatic weapons. I'm the one who's just saying, what are they gonna do? What are they gonna do, Paul? Is they're gonna fucking put an all-points bulletin out

on every fucking goddamn tree out there, wanted sweat pant guy from the future. This man alone has been in this time zone, this era for fucking 20 minutes and has already killed 600 people. No, but here's the thing, the question was where would you go and if you couldn't come back? If I survived this, I'm a legend.

Paul, did you see... Forget about... I know you didn't read anything in history. Let's just talk movies. Okay, like what? That there's muskets in 1870? No, no, no, what the fuck? They're packing the guns, I mean, in 1870?

I just laughed so hard at seeing dots. No, World War II I read about. I read about shit. You literally sound like you're sitting on a stoop right now. I know stuff. Go ahead, what was the question? Paul, I was going to talk about people in history, but how about like just we'll go with movies.

All right? All right. You saw there would be blood? Yes. Okay, that's based off like the robber barons of the fucking, you know, 17, 1800s, the people you got involved in oil rig, the railroad guys, the Rockefellers, the Vanderbilts,

the fucking people who like... Fucking started it all, yeah. Yeah, they came over here, right? They fucking got it, you know, they just, it was wide open. You could do whatever the fuck you want, and they, they did it.

All right. All right. It's funny, I've made fun of you for being stupid. I can't even explain this. These guys, the J.P. Morgan's and all these types of fucking guys, when you show up with this machine, where they can fucking change the past,

they can change the fucking future, these sociopaths psychos are not gonna let you, Paul Verzi, once they fucking sit down and they talk to you, Paul. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they, they see where the fuck you're at. They will pretend to be friends with you, and when the second you sit down,

you're, you're oozy to have a little bit of mutton with them in their villa, they would cut you ear to ear. No, no, no, no. First of all, I'm too fucking street smart to ever put my oozy down and let them and start fucking drinking tea and eating crumpets with these fuckers.

I don't like how you think you're street smart in every fucking era. Like, you know what the signs are in 1812. You think I'm gonna leave my fucking oozy down when nobody's got one? That's gold to those people. That's, that's, that's, that's ends, that's ends problems. I would never do that.

So you're gonna become friends with these people, always having a gun trained on them. So, so how about this, this is what I could also do. I could get there on my time machine and I could befriend one person. And I could let them know that I'm here to help them if they need and tell them what I could do. And then maybe they can say,

hey, listen, when we get into, you know, when the rebels come, I got a guy. You know what? I wasn't even listening. I was thinking about what I was gonna do. All right. Well, what would you do? I would go back to, well, let's say 1900.

I would go back any, keep in mind anything before eight. Prior to 1900, I would go back to 1899. Okay. It's because I want the most up to date medical fucking shit available for when I come down with, you know, polio, whatever bullshit that's gonna hit me. I, what I would do is I would try out

and make a major league baseball team. And I would fucking destroy them with my, with my knowledge of nutrition. My hundred years, 120 years in the future, my knowledge of nutrition. You know what I would do? I would take some PEDs back with me before they even know how to test for it.

And I would fucking right up. Fucking just give Bruce. And I would try out for the Boston Red Sox. And we would win it for every fucking year right through the twenties. That's a great idea. That's what I would do. But you'd have to go back with stereo.

Yeah. You'd have to go back. You'd have to convince these people that you're going to inject. I still don't think I could hit a curveball though. Huh? I still don't think I could hit a fucking curveball. But I just figured if I went back to the fucking,

look, I couldn't make them. I couldn't make a major league baseball team in the 1900s, but I think I could make one in the 1890s. So just I had me go back. When did it start? 1880 joined the fucking Phillies. I wouldn't want them to win a championship. Well, when did the fucking Red Sox come around?

They were the first, the Red Sox came around in what, 1890? Early 1900s. I'd like to play whenever they built Fenway in 1912. I would just like to come up to bat. God damn it. I couldn't do it. So I'd have to go back. But on my age now, I'd be too fucking old by then.

Fuck. Yeah, but you'd still kill it though. All right. This is what I would do. I'd become totally fluid in Latin. And I would fucking go back and I'd watch a game at the Roman Coliseum. That's all sports related. I would just take my chances with that.

I would just go with the heavy artillery. I would be, I would be a defense. I would be, you know, I'm going to Ronald Reagan route, just spend all the money on defense. I would hope that they would utilize me that way as an asset. Military wise, you know. Dude, you're out of your mind, dude. Why?

Like just me going back, thinking that I could fucking make a team. Because I looked up back in those 1890s like they were like softball teams. They just had ringers in those. You know, those guys didn't stretch. Dude, but you know, they just went up there. Back in a while, West days, they fucking went outside and they went back to back and then 10 paces. I fucking get rid of that, man.

I'm talking about, I have everything. I'm an asset. You don't have anything. Paul, what you have is a gun and bullets. You have the best gun with the best bullets. But you're ignoring the fact that entire army is going to go after you. That they're not going to allow. I'm running up the hill and windbreaker.

They're not going to allow you. They wouldn't allow you to take power. The way Paul, the way that you seize power is you assimilate and you work your way up through the ranks. And then you have a, and you strike when the time is right. That's how you do it. If you try and start your own, you come in there all rogue, like, listen, I have better shit

than you guys could ever dream of having. But don't worry. I'm your friend. These fucking paranoid assholes, these control freaks, they want that you could not live. They would be smearing you in the paper with every fucking day talking about. This reminds me of that. That you were a bigger threat than the savages that need to be.

They would put you above getting rid of Native Americans at that point. You would have to be eliminated. But not before they found out how, took apart the gun to figure out how work, tortured you for all the fucking knowledge that you had and grilled you about that time machine to figure out if you built it or you just fucking used it. So what if I lied to them and I said, I could get more of this? I got a time machine. Nobody knows where it is, but I could go back and get more of this.

Like, so if they knew that I could, I could, you know, I mean, if I lied to them that way. That's the best, that's the best move you've said out of all of this scenario, where maybe, you know, you could do a play on their greed and their desire to have more. That's actually a smart fucking move. But if you just think that you're just going to show up with your fucking cigar and your Uzi and come walking out on a battlefield. Dude, there's sketch.

I don't want to do this. And just change the course of history, depending on who was nicer to you. What if the Germans were nicer to you in World War II? I mean, you know, they had nice uniforms. Paul, are you going to sign with them? Dude, how funny would it be just watching me go in there with air maxes on? Nike air maxes on a cigar and a sweatshirt. I'm like, listen, sit down.

I got a gun that could travel and I just show the guy. I would love to, I would fucking love to see the looks on their faces. And then all of a sudden they rebel against me. I think if, I think if you actually, if you actually went out there and you mowed down the whole other side with what you had. Yeah, that was my original. That's what I would think that if I was on the Luckily on your side, I would slowly be backing away as you were doing it.

And then I would slip into the woods and fucking run away is what I would do. I would get the fuck away from you. Cause I don't, Paul, you understand what the fuck I'm seeing. Okay. You're going to show up in your space clothes with your fucking ray gun. I mean, it's just like, I'm out of there. I'm fucking out of there. I'm going to leave.

And if you come towards me, I'm going to shoot. I mean, if a fucking alien landed and I had a gun, fuck his ray gun, fuck all that bullshit, if it starts coming towards me, I got to shoot at it. If that happened, I'd be living in the biggest house in the 18th. I'd have all the women would be, I would be the fucking Jesus there. They would fucking draw pictures. Dude, you know what it is, Paul? This is your own little narcissistic head trip.

And that's the exact thing that would bring you down. You know, something I think that this is a great answer to your listeners question. First of all, you're acting. You know what I love about all of this, Paul? You're acting like you know how to make a fucking Uzi. No, I'm saying I would bring one. You're going to bring one. So all you did was bring it and they're going to figure it out.

Because the scientists back then were just as brilliant as the scientists now. They just don't have the information that the ones do today. So they would immediately break down your fucking what you are. That you have to take my gun. That you're a standup comedian. That's what they would do. Well, what are you going to do, Paul? What are you going to do for food?

You're going to Uzi a deer? Okay. And then do you know how to start a fire without some wood? 02:02:56,160 --> 02:02:56,800 Rubberman together. You know how to do that? Yeah. How do you do it? You know how to start a fire without matches?

Yeah, I mean, I've seen it done. I've watched it on the TV. I've seen it on the fucking, I've seen it on YouTube. I did. I fucking see it on YouTube when we ran out of matches at the house one time. I swear to God, I was watching a clip. Yeah, I've watched it too. Yeah.

The guy sat down and done. Have you done it? He gets the driest, whatever they call it, the grass or the dry fucking. Paul, I'm going to tell you this right now. And they fucking. If you can make, if you can start a fire and they twist the thing, right? If you can start a fire tonight. All right.

We'll go to the Toronto's Central Park. If you can start a fight, a fight, a fire, I'll give you all the money. I'm going to make on this tour with, don't watch the YouTube video again. I want to see you start this fucking fire. I need some, I need some wood or something. If you don't, if you don't, then you have to walk into the fucking in the Lake Ontario with your Jordan son. I'll get a bit dirty and shit.

Well, that's the point. I want you to suffer. You're hilarious. You're like, yeah, you did see it. Wow. All right, let's go with baby names here. Jesus Christ, this is becoming a long one here. Um, all right, baby names, uh, dear Billy trimester.

My wife and I are expecting our first child. We don't know whether it's a boy or a girl, but we're starting to talk about names. My inclination is to go with the name that's not trendy, but not super common. Like Mike. Oh, she's, whoever wrote this, I like, uh, but part of me is like, ah, fuck it. Name the kid Hendricks or Wolf, something he can take to the playground and build a reputation around, uh, what would be your strategy? Oh, we are the parent.

Paul, what do you think? Uh, what she said about the whole Mike thing is exactly what me and Stacy said, you know, what he said, well, what he said, um, my, uh, when my wife was pregnant with Lucas, you know, I didn't want, I just didn't want George, Mike, you know, Joey, Anthony. I just didn't want that. You know, I wanted something different and, uh, I agree. I, I mean, Wolf and Hendricks is a little much, you know, calling your kid Wolf, he's going to get fucked.

You know, that like, it's, it's, it's a badass name, but if he's not badass, it's fucked. Like if he's in proscenium or if he's a fucking, his name is Wolf, you know, you can't have a singer named Wolf, you know, fucking becomes an opera star. Yeah. Wolf gang. I like that though. I don't like super common, but I don't like, you know, you know, what's her name? Gwyneth Paltrow, Apple or fucking Coco or something crazy.

So I think it's something respectful, really nice, you know. Yeah. But the thing is you got to make sure you pick the right one where, you know, like, I remember for a minute, remember those, those Dylan Dakota years, everybody was naming their kids that bullshit. Dakota, fucking Tanner. Tanner, that was another bad one. What was what?

Tyler? No, I don't know if Tyler's. Tyler's fine. Tyler's all right, but how about one of those? Bryce, what do you think of Bryce? I hate, I hate the B ones. Me too. I don't like them.

No, yeah, me too. You know, I am one. I'm a mainstream one. I don't mind Bill Bob that bullshit, but like, like who the fuck does that? Like they name like, they have like, or Roger Clemens, you know, named all his kids, began with a K because he strikes everybody out. Talk about sociopath.

A fucking narcissist, right? Oh, everything. Cody, Kyle, Karen, everything had to do with fucking his. Yeah. Cunt. Anyways, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what we, you know, we actually, I've talked about that type of shit.

I don't know, man. I don't, that's, that's a tough one. I know somebody. You just can't be selfish because it's not about you. And those Hollywood people that name the fucking names, it's about them. It's about them and it shouldn't be, you know, this person, this, this, this, they have to live with that person. This person's going to school.

This person's going to be traveling. This person's going to have their name called out in public many, many times. Their name is going to be read. Hey, I got a good idea. What's it? I'm going to look up bad celebrity baby names. All right. Bad celebrity kid names.

A lot of people go with destination. Worst celebrity baby names. You knew there'd be something out there. All right. Here we go. This is very listy this week. Come on. Load your fucking cock sucker.

I'm actually, I'm loading some video right now to be posted on the, on the podcast page of the oval and Halifax and actually you skating. Oh yeah. Go ahead. Yeah. You posting that? Go ahead. Go ahead.

Go ahead. What the fuck are they? Oh, you fucking cunt. Why, why, why won't it load? The worst celebrity baby names. Here it is. I think the first one is Apple. Oh, tomorrow.

You just know that the name came up during a drunken pre con. T U. Oh, tomorrow. Oh no. Why would you do that? What is it? The guy's names Rob Morrow or Morrow. I don't know. And they named their kid too, tomorrow.

Ugh, that's awful. Ugh, you won't be coming out tomorrow. You won't be coming out tomorrow. Oh, all right. Zuma Nesta Rock. What was that? Gwen Stefani and Gavin Ross. Rossdale.

Gwen. Okay. Sure. Zuma is the name of a beach in Malibu. That's lovely, but it's also a computer game. I thought it was a fucking drink. That's Zima. And the diminutive form of a term for a bad gastrointestinal.

Ah, Jesus Christ. Zuma. Well, what's it called? The Kim Kardashian. Penn Gillette named his kid Moxie Crimefighter. That's fucking awful. That's a selfish fucking move. That's a fucking selfish move.

What a fucking asshole. Um, I shouldn't say that. Jason Lee named a kid pilot inspector. Pilot? How do you not just be an arrogant ass if your name is pilot? Is that it? Who do we got next? Well, Kardashian named it Northwest.

That's more of like a... Direction. Airline. Yeah, I just, you know... This girl named her fucking kid Audio Science. This falls under the sociopath thing we're talking about. Isn't this kind of like cruelty? This is ridiculous.

All right, somebody named a kid Heavenly Hranny Tiger Lily. I mean, are these jokes? Like... Yeah, why don't you just name your kid Douchebag or something like that and just get it over with. Please punch me in the face. I think it would be funny... How about this one?

Phi Phi Trixie Bell. These are not even like... Like if a Southern guy went fucking like... Bogart. Bogart. Name is Shay. Shit, he fucking... Dude, I don't have a name of a dog that.

Bogart. Shay. Peyote. Peyote. That's terrible. Do celebrities actually think that children have superpowers? Is this person Cal-L? I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck that means. Oh, Cal-L. You know what Cal-L is? No, I don't. You don't? No, I don't. I'm not into superheroes. Cal-L is Superman.

Superman's father. Oh. I believe. Oh my god. There's something with Superman. Somebody named their kid Hero. How would you do that? He better be tough.

Bronx. Mogil. Bronx isn't a bad name. You just can't... You just can't live in New York. Bronx is a terrible name, Bill. Oh, you know. Well, I mean, after fucking seeing some of the other ones,

it's not bad, right? I mean, it's better than pilot inspector, but it's still fucking... Diva thin muffin. No, it's not. That's what it got. What? Diva thin sounds like a way for...

All right. This is actually getting... This is just sad. Buddy bear. All right. I'm done. All right. This is just bad.

Well, let's... What happened to this podcast? Dude, we're just fucking sitting there going on and on here. All right. Documentary recommendation. This is the last thing. Bill, have you seen the act of killing? Have you seen that?

Paul didn't. I heard it was great. Yeah. It goes, I can't even explain it. You just have to watch it. Basically, in the 60s in Indonesia, they were enforcers that murdered people for being communists in quotes,

who idolized American gangster culture. So a picture of five foot five Asian dude trying to walk like Humphrey Bogart. I got to watch it. All right. Guess what, people? That's the podcast for this week. Paul, thanks for being a guest.

Oh, I had a blast. Thanks for having me, man. Yeah. So next week, I'll do your podcast. Yeah. And hopefully, dude, I hope tonight, when we fall off the fucking wagon, it's going to be epic.

I hope it's just not a Blitzkrieg of drunk stories next week. I just... No, no, no. We'll be fine. We'll be fine. Yeah. Everything that we've done in the past

will be fine. We've demonstrated that we can handle alcohol, right? What do we do? Plugs now? Yeah. What are you plugging? Well, I'm going to be here until the 21st with you. So just check the fucking website.

Then going out to LA. We'll talk about that on the next one, right? Yeah. I want to have a hair restoration. No, you don't. No, no, no. I don't want to. I want to have a fucking...

I need one, but I want to have a hair restoration person advertise on this, so then have them come on so they can give their hairplug. Oh, Jesus. Oh, when I come back to New York, if you guys, anybody listening in the New York, New Jersey area, I'm going to be at Levity Live on the 21st, 2 to the 23rd. You can check that out.

Please check out my podcast, The Verzi Effect. Bill's been on it a few times. It's doing really well. You guys check it out on iTunes, and it's also on Podbean. I just did my 150th episode, so check out The Verzi Effect. Wait, yeah, bragging. Yeah, check out The Verzi Effect. It's doing well.

I got to pump it. Of course it is. The Verzi Effect, and it's just Paul by himself. Not, yeah. Sometimes I have a guest. I have a guest every, like, 10 episodes, but it's me. I talk movies.

I talk sports. I do an unacceptable for the week, which is something that just bugs me. So check that out and get me on Twitter, at Paul Verzi. That's V-I-R-Z-I. You know what was unacceptable? You know what was unacceptable?

The airplane thing? It's lying in. Paul fucking sitting across me on the aisle, and some lady shows up and goes, do you mind switching seats so I can sit next to my daughter? Paul says, fine. Her fucking daughter had a middle seat. Paul traded an aisle.

On a packed flight. And this daughter was like, what, 16, 17? She's a fucking adult. Daughter was 16, 17, and I said, sure, ma'am. And then I sat in the other aisle seat, and the guy goes, no. Guy goes, I think you're in the middle. Ballful. Unacceptable.

Totally unacceptable. We're on hour and 42 minutes. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Novelties. Described as small but mighty,

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