Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-30-17

Episode Date: March 31, 2017

Bill rambles about unholy matrimonies, Shinola and the Bawston Brewins.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you. Sorry, I couldn't give you a big one. I fucked up my voice going all the way back to San Jose, back to the San Jose gigs. I don't know what I did. I know what I did. I was imitating somebody yelling. I was having too much fun. I didn't come from my diaphragm and I fucking choked up and I just fucking blew the voice out. That's what I did. I overspent the main rotor and my fucking throat is what happened. So now I gotta go easy. You know, I gotta drink a little throat tea, you know. Anyways, what's going on? How you guys doing? Are you feeling good? Are you

energized? Are you excited about the fucking weekend? I've actually been working out finally. I'm still eating like a fucking moron, so I haven't dropped that much weight, but I feel better. You know what it is? I'm at this fucking age. I swear to God, I have one sip of this or one bite of that, and it just fucks me. It's unbelievable. I swear to God, if I didn't work out, I would look like every other fucking moron walking around the mall. That's all it is. I'm really starting to believe that a lot of people, nah, I was kidding. We shove a bunch of cake down our throats. I don't know what the fuck it is. That was just weird how I said that. I eat like a fucking Olympian until about three, four in the afternoon. I

work out like a sacramon, but I eat like a fucking Olympian because my shoulders are coming around, by the way, so I'm doing like the elliptical and that type of shit. Right up until about three, I fucking kill it. Then the weakness starts coming in, like a fucking cold front, like a rainstorm. The clouds start forming around three or three thirty in the afternoon, and I feel myself getting weak going, come on Bill, come on, veggies, veggies, shove them down your pie hole. That's me batting, that's me putting fucking plywood over the windows, you know, before I do something stupid. And then just, you know, I don't know, I keep trying to do this thing where I'm going to be done eating around six o'clock at night

and then just drink water the rest of the time. And if I get hungry, I'm just going to have a little bit of celery. Now I know celery is on the dirty dozen list of fucking pesticides. It's basically anything where they just spray it directly on like cantaloupes good because they spray the shit on, you know, the fucking Ebola, you know what I mean? The AIDS virus, whatever the fuck they do to keep the mosquitoes away, they spray it right on the fucking cantaloupe, but it doesn't get to the part that you eat. And you don't lick the outside of it, you know, the way Fat Joe licked his, the bottom of his sneakers and the MTB cribs, I will never get over that. It's like, dude, those were made in a sweatshop. It's because you didn't

walk around New York and if you have no fucking idea, go get a tennis shot, Joe. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? So celery, you know, because they'll spray it right on it because it doesn't have a husk or whatever the fuck it is. So this person tells you, well, just go get organic celery, celery, celery, just get organic celery. And they want it to be like, ladies, how the fuck do you don't know where the fuck any of this shit is? I think it all comes from the same goddamn farm. That one looks greener than those ones. Call that one organic. That's about ready to go bad. Say that's organic. And they'll think that the reason why it's rotting is because, you know, because it's

so fucking fresh. I don't know. So at night, I try to do like the celery, have just a little bit, half a spoonful of sugar, no, half full, half a spoonful of peanut butter to try to get me through and you know, and then you just go to bed like upset. That's what happened. If you're eating right, you go to upset, you're not in a good mood. All right. Now a lot of fucking nutrition is dietitians, fucking personal trainers, fucking crossfitters and all that will say like, no, if you're eating right, you shouldn't feel hungry at all, because your body will be full of all the nutrients and it will be craving and shut the fuck up with your tight clothes, dressing like a goddamn X men to do fucking curls, workout clothes

of the dumbest. It's just stupid as shit. I was watching an old odd couple, you know, my favorite part of that song is when the horn section kicks in back then when it was actually a fucking orchestra. It wasn't some guy with a laptop fucking pumping his fist like he's going to reboot the Arsenio show for the third fucking time. It wasn't like that. It was actual. It was somebody that practiced the fucking trombone since he was knee high fight in the dust bowl during the depression right before fucking Pearl Harbor and he had to beat out 50,000 other tuba players. Everybody trying to put their own stamp on bow but a buddy now, you know, he's sitting out there all fucking nervous. No one his dad's

going to give him the belt if he doesn't fucking book it right. He's on the other side of the door just listening to other people audition, you know, fuck that guy nailed it. I was watching I'm getting off track here I was watching that show and Oscar. Yeah, Oscar had come from the gym and he just had on a gray sweatshirt and gray sweatpants. You didn't have to go in there all fucking aerodynamic like he was doing a time trial in the tour de France. All of this fucking shit that Nike makes. Who's kidding who that children make in the Nike factory? You know, before they try to jump out the fucking window or is that Apple? I have no idea. It's all a legend item. It's fake news. Those children are happy. They put the nets outside the window

because they enjoy jumping into them. It's a religious holiday. Okay, I gotta work on my Trump. I gotta work my Trump. It's all tight. It's rough, you know. That's all the fucking need. Now everybody's got all they got all the fucking buddies walking around dressed like Captain America. Oh my God, I saw a shit show at the mall yesterday. An absolute fucking she was such a shit show. I actually was looking around for someone to be trying to film me for my reaction. I'd gone to the mall again. That's twice a week. I never go to the mall twice in a fucking week. And this time I went to the Grove. Now, if you don't, if you don't live in LA, okay, the Grove is basically it's like going to Times Square on New Year's Eve,

except it's a mall. It's a fucking nightmare. All right, but I was going down there because I'm a man of my word. Deanna Adler, Stephen Adler's mom, who wrote the wonderful book, well, actually tragic book, and then it comes out this sun, you know, it starts off with sunshine. It gets really fucking cloudy for a couple hundred pages. And then it comes out again. It's a great book called Sweet Child of Mine. And she was doing a book signing. And as I said, I was going to be down there. And, you know, so I went down there and the book signing was great. And her sons, Stephen and Jamie came down that dude, Stephen Adler is fucking hilarious. It was a huge crowd. Thank you to everybody who showed up who listened to my podcast and went down there. I think, you know,

had a couple of MM podcast listeners down there that I ran into. Dude, he was fucking killing, killing, saying whatever he wanted to. There's some woman in the crowd. She's like, Stephen, do you remember me back in the day? I used to stand up from the rainbow. He's like, oh yeah, did I fuck you? He said that in Barnes and Nobles. Barnes and Noble, is it? I don't know. I don't read. Barnes and Noble or Nobles NBA final, Stanley Cup final and Stanley Cup finals. I can't remember. And in this fucking bookstore, in a microphone, he said that just complete. It might be like a comedian that just didn't give a shit whether they ever worked the club again. It was fucking amazing. And he absolutely destroyed and

they sold a bunch of books. So order one today. It's an incredible read, man. I'm telling you. It's fucking brutal. It's fucking like, if you already read his, Stephen's was brutal enough, but now to hear the mother side going through the pain and trying to help him out. I tell you, I'm going to be honest with you, I haven't gotten through it yet. That's how fucking brutal it is. I just got into the part where Stephen starts going off the rails and I'm just like, oh man, I got to go like one chapter at a time. In other words, she pulls no punches. So definitely check that out if you can. So anyways, back to the shit show. So I'm going to the mall, right? And I pull in I valet, right? I valet like a fucking big shot because this is how this is two things

where I don't give a fuck. I'm usually a frugal cunt. All right. My Malcolm Young t-shirt, right? And I don't spend any fucking money because I know how this business works. Right when you go out and you buy something flashy, it said, look at him. Look at him. Look at that freckled cunt. He thinks he made it. And then they come over and they fucking yank it right off from underneath. That's not how I'm going out. Not me. Nope. I'm going to buy some strip malls. I'm going to start having some money coming in from outside of this. If you ain't getting me, Hollywood. Who's kidding who? It's going to be a sad ending just like everybody else's. You know, I'll come walking out one day on some fucking telethon, you know,

my jaw fucking quivering uncontrollably. And you guys all going to be like, no. What happened? Whatever used to be so young, right? And all you guys will have to shut it off because I'll look so bad it's going to remind you of your own mortality, right? There you go. There's something to look forward to this weekend. Sorry. Anyways, plowing ahead here. So I'm walking to them, to the mall. Okay. And half shirts are back or as they call them crop tops. All the ladies, all the ladies who fucking eat right are wearing them. You know what I mean? And I'm sure the fatties at some point are going to hate them and say that those crop tops are sexist and they're

creating an impossible body image. And they're going to blame those women that actually took the time to fucking push themselves away at five o'clock and just sit there eating celery and shit past that drinking waters, hating themselves. You know, is all the people that are going to resent the crop tops, where they, huh? Oh, they're sitting there having a great fucking time. They're getting gelato with a side of cake. That's something fat people do. You know, oh, I'm fucking blowing up this spot. I live with a fatty. I'm telling you, I have fat friends. Okay. All of that shit, all of those ice creams that you see, those unholy matrimonies of fucking candy bars and ice cream, like who the fuck thought of that? Fat people. Fat people, fat people.

You don't have to eat it. They all came up with that shit. They all came up with that shit late at fucking night. They're like junkies. Okay. And what happens is, is after a while, doing heroin isn't enough. You got to put a little coke in there and then you got to speedball it. So the fat fucking person's speedball is when you're taking, if you, if you have a fatty, listen to this, you know, it's fucking true. You know, you shouldn't be doing it. You know, you're excited. You know, you're excited, right? When you know, you got the ice cream at home, right? And you stopped at the red light, you look over to the left and there's that 7-Eleven, right in that demon in you, just goes, Hey, why don't you drive in there and go get a Zagnup bar?

Come on. You have vanilla ice cream at home. That's kind of plain and he's, you need to take it up a notch. Come on. You know, you want to do it. You know, you start crying. Well, you see me last, I was just gonna have the ice cream, man. I said, make a left turn, drive in there and get a Zagnup bar. And you fucking turn in there and you buy the fucking thing, right? Like you're going in there to rent a porn back in the nineties. An element of shame. You don't want to make eye contact, but you don't want to look away. You know, cause I got a couple of jit films in there. You know, you got to have that. Maybe I'm going to rent sleepless in Seattle. Look on your face, right? As you walk into the porn shop,

except it's the 7-Eleven and you walk in past all the other fatties and the fucking people, you know, the junkies buying those fucking hot dogs that have been there since fucking Ronald Reagan got shot, right? You fucking go in there. Probably grab a couple of healthy things like maybe one of their fucking bananas that's still green, you know, the hand of the kid that picked it, you know, his fingerprints are still fucking on it, right? Then you just walk right up to the cash register at the last second. You try to make it seem like, you know, it will not be old. And you got to be like, oh, yeah, maybe you have a stagnant bar, right? Then you get the fucking stagnant bar and then you take that fucking thing home, right? Driving home now excited,

while hating yourself, excited, passing over the double line into your fucking house, right? You put on fucking Netflix and then you sit down and what do you do? You got to take the ice cream out. Now this part's the hardest. It's killing you. You got to let the ice cream melt a little bit, right? So you can fucking jam that goddamn candy bar right in there, right? That's what fatties do. I don't want to talk about here. So I'm at the fucking mall, okay? I got to fill up a half hour, okay? I got to have some tangents here. You know, you want to do a half hour with no material? You want to try to fill it up? All right. So anyway, so I'm walking through. So this fucking, you know, this is another person that I can't stand, you know, because I'm so goddamn perfect,

right? The fucking person just refuses to admit that they're old. You know, I don't mean like just your old just go sit there on the fucking couch. I don't mean that, you know, definitely get out there, you know, get yourself some air, but you know, put on some sunscreen, you old fuck, okay? The people that you passed a certain age and they're still trying to keep up with young people with the styles and shit. I saw this woman, right? Tragic. From fucking 80 yards, you could tell there was no father ever in her life, okay? Which is sad, but you know, at some point, you got, you know, you got to put your tits away and you got to look in the mirror and just be like, look, all right. So he wasn't there. Fuck that guy. He was a piece of shit. I'm worth something.

This lady did not have that. Okay. She's fucking walking. Okay. She is like, I don't know what age she was. She should have been 33. There was something about her said 33, but she looked like 47. And she wasn't good shape for her fucking age, but she's wearing the crop top. Okay. And she doesn't have a flat stomach. She has just that little bit of, it's cunt belly, whatever you call it, right? So it's hanging over in the front. It's hanging on the back and she's wearing a fucking crop top and the crop top said bitch on it. She's wearing these little short shorts, these fucking high heels. And you know, you know, the ladies feet after fucking three decades of sticking yourself in horseshoes,

that you feed a beat up, you know, you see like the heels. There's like those white circles from like no blood supply and shit. And it's just like, oh my God, get yourself a pair of flat shoes. You know, I'll put on a sport coat and you, you put on like something flowing. You did your time. Let young people be young. So she fucking walks by and I don't know. The only excuse I can make was maybe she was a hooker. If she was a hooker, I don't have a problem with that. God bless her. You know what I mean? If she had, if she had a, a fucking, I don't know what, what you would call it, a goddamn charity, I would give to it. But if she was just a regular fucking person, I mean, shit show, right? And once again,

half the reason why she was driving me nuts is it just reminded me of how old I was. I was like, uh, I am old enough that I was alive when that woman was still hot. And I'm not going to apologize for any of this shit. If you're going to walk out, okay, you got to know your age. All of these fucking, you know, you know, people tell you that, you know, mean 50 is the new 40. You know who fucking says that 50 year olds? No, 50 is 50. Put some fucking clothes on. Um, oh geez, I'm on a fucking tangent here. Not a rant. It's not a rant. Don't even say it's a fucking rant. All you guys have ruined that word rant. Rant is your complete. You're barely holding your shit together. Rant goes with raving like hall and oats, rant and raving.

All right. This whole thing that, hey, he talked about the same subject and he reasonably calm tone for the last fucking seven minutes. He's on a rant. You know, you know, you know, defines it that fucking millennials. And you know why that is? Cause they wear helmets when they ride bicycles and they had play dates and they had helicopter parents. So they didn't, they don't even know what yelling is. God help us. God help us when Isis that doesn't have a plane or a boat somehow figures out how to fucking get over here from the other side of the world, you know, in their pajamas or whatever the fuck it is they're doing over there. Okay. God help us when they show up and the millennials have to fight them. You know, Jesus Christ. Anyways, so here's

a good side of it. Aside from the fact that Deanna Adler sold a bunch of fucking books. There's a store over there out of Detroit, Michigan, and it's called Shinola. So I'm going to shine. I immediately, I got to go in there because of that old school expression. My dad always said, oh Christ, that guy, Christ, he doesn't know shit from Shinola. That was a great one. That one of my, another one of my favorite, my dad, Christ, that guy could fuck up a free lunch. Oh, that one made me laugh every time he fucking said it, because he always said it about the right person. And then just, just doing the math, like, what would you have to do to fuck up a free lunch where you could literally have the person, you know what, fuck you.

Go somewhere else to get your food. You know, like, what would you have to do? The guy's giving you a free lunch. What would you say to the guy other than thank you? Anyways, so there's an expression. It was kind of a Midwest thing, right? I think you don't know shit from Shinola. Now, Shinola was a shoe polish that was in Michigan, I believe outside of Detroit. So the expression going, you don't know shit from Shinola basically means you wouldn't know if you were shining your shoes with shoe polish or shit. It's basically saying you're a fucking moron. So I'm like, all right, Shinola, I got to go in there. So I come walking in there. And the first thing I say to the guy was like, dude, I had to come in here. Are you familiar with the expression? You don't

know shit from Shinola. He goes, absolutely. That's how we came up with the name of the store. So evidently, this company, they make all this cool shit in America, in Detroit, a city that needs fucking industry, great goddamn city, just waiting for someone to invest in it. They make all of this stuff. So I fucking go in there, dude, you got to look these things up, man. Aside from all the watches and all the shit they had, and they had these fucking bikes, you know, I'm actually going to post the video. And I say, hey, Dean, check this shit out because I was sending it to Dean Delray, because Dean Delray is a connoisseur of fine shit. The man does not own a lot of shit, but the shit that he owns is fine. He top of the line

shit. So they had bicycles in there. And they look like paperboy bikes from the 1950s, you know, and I fucking did my time from third grade to ninth grade. To like fucking, I did it all the way up to high school, you know. So I always liked those bikes, even though they looked corny to a lot of people, but it was all modern technology. So when you quickly looked at it, it looked like a Pee Wee Herman style fucking bike with the bell and everything on it. But then it was all this state of the art shit. It's kind of like a resto mod, but like a bicycle version. And they had this one, it was like an 11 speed bike. And all the gear changing was like,

I can't explain where the fuck was. It was like, I guess where you would say the differential would be on a car. But just the part that it's usually just part of the wheel, all the gears were in there. I'm not enough of a gear had to explain this properly. They had the wires going into the bike. It was all like streamlined, had fucking disc brakes on the front and the back. The things were crazy, crazy. So wait a minute, I got the fucking pamphlet right here. I swear to God, if I wasn't trying to downsize my life and they weren't so goddamn expensive, I would have fucking bought one. Yeah, dude, these bikes, they're really fucking, you know, a lot of you guys are going to think these are nerdy looking bikes,

but I think they're fucking sick. They got one called the Detroit era, one's the Bixby, and one's the Runwell. And I'll tell you, I'll tell you, they ain't cheap, you know, but they're fucking sick, man. That's why I wish, you know, I don't know how it happened. Part of it was because there was sweatshop labor and then you had the unions and then the unions became what the fucking cunts were. And then everybody just said, you know what, fuck your union and they just left the country. Wouldn't it be great if we just made shit in this country again? Tell me, we got to start with weed. All right, they got to legalize it on a fucking federal level and we should make the best fucking weed in the world.

We export that shit, you get the whole world, you know, fucking buying our weed. They got the best like the way Cubans got the cigar thing locked down. We should do that with weed. Okay. The government should fucking stay out of it. Just make it legal and walk away. And then tax the shit out of it. Okay. And have your eyes wide shut parties and fuck some other woman while you look at your wife getting banged by a senator, whatever it is, you upper 1% people fucking do. All right, but just walk away from that shit. Let us grow the fucking weed in the fucking world. We export it. We make all that fucking money. You get your fucking, your skim with the tax, right? Send it to those cons over at the federal reserve, whatever the fuck it is,

they do. And then, you know, you pay off the war and then we just leave. All right. All right. Just give in to Tesla. We just fucking will drive those fucking cars. Have the fucking blue blood cunts that run the oil industry. Just slide them over to the electrical shit. They'll still make the same amount of money. Then we don't have to be over in the Middle East sticking our fucking nose in all that shit. We all fucking come home. Right. You put on a game. You got some solar energy. You know, you got some fucking weed. I know I'm oversimplifying all of this. Yeah, I'm oversimplifying all of this. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here.

Let me let me do some advertising reads. Let's do some advertising reads, man. I got to type in my fucking password. It's of course vulgar. I don't know why because of this fucking anger that you have in you. I don't know what your problem is. You're way too old to be the same thing. All right. See so everybody. See. So every here is something being a barrel of laughs. Well, a barrel might not be enough laughs in the days of horses and buggy. Well, a barrel might have been enough laughs in the days of horse and buggies, but you live now where you got to put your laughs on the cloud. By the way, you know what technology I fucking love for those fucking headphones that guy gave me right from Bose wireless. I was against that shit going. I don't need any more radio waves

going into my brain, man. I fucking love them. I don't give a shit what it's doing to me. I don't care if I turn into a fucking zombie. That's how convenient they are. That's why see so see so's library of stand up television and original content provides streaming laughs up to 1.7 mega barrels. And that's proven by science with see so you get unlimited access to see so original series. Next day, late night, hilarious stand up specials, binge worthy classics sign up now to catch brand new stand up specials like the breakout special from faheem pronounced on war like on war Sadat. There's no business like show business access see so a lot of s's content from anywhere at any time using iOS. No, an upside is that iOS Android,

Roku, Apple TV, Amazon, TV, Windows or Xbox one. Amazon fire. That sounds like a column ready for the punchline. See so it's just 399 per month. No joke. 399 per month for all the comedy you want anytime anywhere ad free. Just go to see so dot com right now to sign up for one month for free with promo code burr at checkout that see so dot com spelled s e s o dot com promo code burr Jesus Christ at see so dot com promo code burr. I'm gonna check out some of those, you know, because everybody's on Netflix, you know, I want to be different man. I'm over here on see so I'm on Amazon man. All right, me on these beyond these beyond these checking out new streaming do do do do beyond these beyond these your balls will be fucking gleaming. Watch a bunch of fucking

stand up specials rub your taint against the material. It's twice as soft as fucking cotton. The Abu Dhabi Diba blue blue blue blue blue elevate your underwear game to the next level with me on these. You've perfected your wardrobe. But what about the stuff nobody gets to see? What about the stuff that actually touches your junk? If you've been settling for store bought underwear, five packs, I have something that will change your life for the better me on these. What's the first thing you put on the last thing you take off? It's your underwear, unless you Matthew McConaughey, make your most important piece of clothing. The best part it can be with me on these. You know what? I was just a picture like a cop at the end of the day,

you know, takes off everything from the waist down. And now he's completely naked, right? And then he takes off his gun. He's a detective. He's got the fucking thing, right? Is that two village people for you guys? Me on these are designed in LA and made from sustainably sourced micro modal modal, a fabric three times softer than cotton. And guess what? You can save time and money each month with a monthly subscription. How much do you shit your pants that you got to have a monthly subscription? I have underwear from like two presidents ago. If you're not ready for our subscription, that's okay. Hey, relax, you can still save. That's because me on these is offering you 20% off your first pair. Just use our special URL me on these.com slash burr and get 20% off

your first pair. So go ahead, go revamp your underwear drawer. You deserve it. Once you deserve it. Get yourself some new underwear, you fucking animal. Once again, that's me on these.com slash burr me on these.com slash burr. All right, how much time we got left up 28 minutes here. And I got a phone call in seven minutes. Thank you to everybody that watched the tour of Phoenix from my yet to be critically acclaimed and acknowledged tours of cities. I did one in San Jose. That one's going to be coming up soon. It's all on my YouTube page, which I of course do not have in front of me. Just look up the Bill Burr tour of Phoenix and you'll be able to find it. We'll send another link out to it. Like I told you, my fucking YouTube page,

that's going to be blowing up soon. I hired a fucking animator. I got some people doing some shit, right? I'll be doing tours of every fucking city. Excuse me that I go to get the hiccups and all of that shit. All right, so here we go. What can we talk about here in the final couple of minutes? All the Bruins. The Bruins had their backs up against the wall. We were after having a nice comfortable fucking lead. We were up to like a fifth seed. We tumbled all the way down to an eighth seed, one point ahead, the Tampa Bay Lightning. All right. And I wasn't paying attention to Tampa. I was just watching the Bruins lose. And then I looked at the fucking standings because one night I was watching the Lightning play in the Blackhawks and the Blackhawks were up fucking

four to one. And you know, the Lightning start coming back and I'm fucking enjoying it. Oh, shit, four to two. Oh, shit, four to three, four to four. What the fuck? What a great game. I didn't realize that that was hurting my team. And they ended up winning in overtime. They got two points. So they were one point behind us. So we beat the fucking, we beat Long Island. All right. Long Island. We beat the Islanders that played in Brooklyn. Figure that one out. And and then Tuesday night, we beat the fucking Predators. So tonight, who do we got? The fucking Staz. This is such a Boston week. Predators, Staz. That's who we're playing tonight. And the Lightning have the Detroit Red Wings who are not having a good year, but they, you know, they always

got some fucking Sergei Federov next phenom coming up, you know, they're kind of like the Pittsburgh Penguins where they just, they got the fucking, they got that down, man. Somehow they, you know, I mean, the Penguins are crazy, dude. They had fucking Mario and you and Yarmira Yaga, then they had like a fucking 10 year drought, 15 year drought or whatever. And then they come back with fucking Gino and Sid, you know, and you know, something the Bruins could be like that if we didn't fucking ship them out all the time. You know, we had Tyler Sagan. Hey, hey, what'd you have a fucking Corse light? Hey, get out of town, buddy. That's, that's not what we do here in this racist town. This is an upstanding community. So we ship him out and now look what we got. We got

fucking Parson ox become, you know, he's become a super sad Brad Marchand, you know, it's just like what if Tyler was still there? We could essentially be rolling three fucking I don't know shit about hockey, but I mean, I don't know. We're always doing shit like that. Look at you. Look at all the goals Joe Joe Thornton scored in San Jose for what they never won shit. We didn't get shit for him in the fucking trade. We just didn't want to pay him. But anyways, anyways, that's not important. We have the stars tonight. Okay, the stars at night are big and bite deep in Texas. But Dallas is not deep in the heart of Texas. It's right out there in the open. So we're going to win tonight, I hope, but you never know. They got Jamie van, they got fucking Patrick

Schapp, Patrick Schapp on the Dallas stairs. The next F1 race, by the way, is in not this Sunday. It's coming next Sunday and that's in China, in Tokyo. And by the way, speaking of China, I got satellite radio now. So I finally get to listen to Howard Stern show again. And his wife has some sort of cause. And you know, I'm always, you know, worry of a cause, dude, I only listened to half of it and I had to turn the fucking channel. Howard was describing they got some day over there. Oh, I don't know what the fuck they're doing with dogs, where they torture them, they scare the shit out of them. They think that they have like adrenaline, you know, high anxiety, it makes the meat taste better. They fucking torture them in front of the other dogs to make

a more for the dogs here, the dogs, it's, I don't even give you the rest of it. It made me sick to my fucking stomach. So there's a petition that you can sign to try to get the fucking animals that are doing that shit to stop on Howard Stern.com. You just scroll down. And, you know, I had to sign that shit because even if you got to do something, how the fuck can you do that to a dog? You know what I mean? I know what all you vegetarians gonna say, well, the shit they do to cows and all that, you know what, you're fucking right. Isn't there a way to just, you know, fucking give a cow two behind the ear when it's not even like paying attention? The thing is, once you kill one, the other sense it and every day, it's fucking brutal,

buddy, you know, the end of the day, a fucking hamburger is delicious. I don't know, but you know, you just fucking have some cows. Maybe it's because they have a billion people over there. So there's not enough cows for people. I don't, I don't fucking know, but I love dogs. So if you love dogs, Howard Stern.com, sign that fucking petition. Anyways, and then as far as motorcycle racing goes, I'm going to try to get into this shit. Because these races are nice increase races. Got a little Christopher Walken. These races there. I'm not going to do Christopher Walken. All right, listen to fucking Craig gas or fucking J more. The next, I think the first one of that season, if you want to get into racing, now motorcycle racing is fucking insane. Because

they still bump each other in shit and they're on motorcycles doing I don't know, fucking 190 miles an hour. That one is on April 9th, Sunday, April 9th in Argentina at 3pm, East Coast time. I'll actually be in San Antonio. And let's see. So that game will come on for me at two o'clock for me. It's going to come on at two o'clock. And I just have to figure out how the fuck I'm going to where the hell I'm going to watch it. I think it's on Fox. But I'm totally into this shit. I'm totally into it. All right. All right, that's it, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, your cunts. And I'll talk to you on Monday. Also, listen to this music here, a little bit of music, a little music bed here.

And then we're going to play you some, some classic Monday morning podcast, a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday or a Monday from a year gone by. Yeah. I watched you on the floor. She's getting to you. You can't see her eyes on me, no. I'm a lady roommate. Hey, Bill, huge fan of the show. Wanted to see if you had any advice for this situation. I found myself in a little over a month ago. I moved to Phoenix and moved in with

a friend. Oh, yeah, did you go up Camelback Mountain yet? That's a fucking great hike. You got to go up that one. Somebody dies up there every fucking year, which always cracks me up to be like alone in the wilderness while you can actually see buildings in the distance. That's got to be so frustrating. Little ugly ass fucking road runners. All right, a little over a month ago, I moved to Phoenix and moved in with a friend from college. No real problems there, but he did have a female college age roommate that he got along with. So we ended up setting, settling on a three bedroom. All right, so it's two dudes and a chick. This is already like a sitcom. This is like fucking reverse threes company. Come along at my door,

we'll just wait for you. Well, the kisses. Well, fucking America was just like that, you know, nice and simple. I guess it was probably fucked up then. I was just too young to notice sitting there eating a popsicle. Well, the kisses are hers and hers and his threes go to do. Larry's upstairs, 50 years old, fucking everything that moves. All right, I only know a few people in town and my work schedule is grueling. It makes it really hard to meet too, too many people over the course of the week. All right, so you're setting up your excuse for why you're already fucking your friend's friend. All right, you know, I work a lot. I can't get to meet people. Why go out for pussy when it's right next door?

I get it, buddy. I get it. You know, it's discovery channel. Does the lion go after the toughest zebra or the fucking wounded one or the little baby one or the one walking around wearing the fucking juicy shorts. I'm sure by now you've pinpointed the key word in the above paragraph, female. Yes, I have, sir. Yes, I have. So you can see where this is going. My second weekend here, we all go out, get sloppy, jalopy drunk. And she informs me that she broke up with her boyfriend of five years. Oh, wonderful. So of course I do the gentlemanly thing and fuck your brains out. Oh, you go. So of course, yeah, I do the gentlemanly thing and fuck her brains out or flop around like a dead fish on top of her. It's one of those two. Once I'm done, I leave,

I go to my room and we don't mention and we don't mention it. We don't mention it in the morning and it's not awkward at all. Ah, if I had the alleluia song. Oh, that's fucking great. Would you guys look down at me if I told you that I was just jealous of this person right now? That's fucking perfect. And the hardest thing is going to be for you to not fuck this up for you not to develop feelings. Okay. You know, that's going to be a hard one. But if you can somehow do it, if you can somehow keep yourself separated, you know, you could just, it would be like, it'd be like stamps.com having the post office in your fucking apartment. Now you got the post office in your apartment and now you have this blowjob machine also there. I mean, it's just

tremendous. You know, and then all you got to do is just decide what, what kind of food you're always going out for and you really like and you buy that appliance, be it a Panini maker or a fucking cappuccino maker. You got that stamps.com and the blowjob machine down the hall. And I tell you, that's it. Get the NFL package. Call it a life. Um, so anyways, he goes, we're, we've gone about doing this for a few weeks now, but since I'm never home during the week and she works during the day on weekends, we don't exactly see each other. And when we do, we literally never say anything about it or hint at it at all, et cetera. Dude, please don't fuck this up. Please don't fuck this up. Okay. He says my question being as this is the first time

something like this has happened. Is this a time bomb waiting to happen where all the crazy is going to come flying out like the Ark of the Covenant, or is she just rebounding and I'm the free and clear until I settle in and find something else. Keep in mind, keep in mind that Jesus Christ. Sorry, I didn't go to church today as I froze and as risen from the grave. He did it all for you. There's no way for you to thank him unless you give us a bunch of money. Um, keep in mind, I've never been accused of being good looking and she's pretty cute with the grade A ass on her. Any advice is appreciated and I guess go fuck yourself. Um, okay. All right, you did the right thing. You know, you got a great situation and you don't want to fuck it up. You know, this is

like the first time I went deep sea fishing. I got a bite and I looked at the dude next to me. Am I doing it right? What do I do? Oh, let it run a little bit. Let it run a little bit. Hey, bringing it right. You're doing the same thing. All right. So what is your question here? Is this a time? This, this is okay. This, this is the wild card that she's a psycho, but she, she, she would have shown her colors by now. I would think if she was a psycho, you know, there would have been some sort of, you know, God, you work so much. I don't get to see you. I just want to see you more. She would have been doing that, you know, fucking twisting your arm here or doing something fucking annoying,

some sort of annoying sort of touching, right? So she hasn't done that. She's totally putting out the vibe that she's basically in the mindset. It's this thing seems like it's exactly what it is. You know, she was in a relationship for five years, five years, man. She's got to decompress from that. All right. She likes to go out and get hammered and get fucked and go to bed and not see your dumb ass for the whole week. All right. Just keep it at that. This is the deal. You don't ever bring it up either. You don't ever bring it up either. Just keep it the way it is. All right. If she's barely talking to you, you barely talk to her and you just have fun with it. And this is another thing you do. All right. Have fun with this shit. What are some things that you always

wanted to do with the woman and you haven't done yet? This is the girl you do it with. All right. And she's going to probably do it with you too, because she doesn't give a fuck about you, which is a great thing. What you have, sir, is a fuck buddy. Congratulations. This is your first one. This is what men dream of. This is what men really want for, this is what we want for Christmas. You know, if we could just have a fuck buddy, somebody who was clean with no diseases, you know, and somehow then had this pill they could give you that you drank, you know, you washed it down and it got rid of any sort of fucking guilt. It would be perfect, but just single dude. So there's no guilt. So my, my thing is just don't, don't open your mouth and fuck this

thing up. All right. You got a great thing going. Okay. Just keep doing what you're doing. And the only thing I would correct is this whole thing where you say, you know, I'm not that good looking a guy, you know, work on your self-esteem. She's pretty cute. Hey, you know, good for her. She's got a nice ass. Why don't you go fucking do something to it, but not during the week. No fucking during the week. You focus on your job. You have a great fucking time. I know what, you know, I guess eventually if you do meet somebody and you start bringing them around, there's, there is a potential, but you just got to nip that shit in the butt. I guess if you actually met somebody that you liked Jesus, I just, yeah, I didn't think about that.

All right. First, first things first, before we even get over to her. I mean, just okay. Whole new can of worms here. Dude, you have to be cool first and foremost. All right. Cause eventually, you know, if she meets some other dude, you got to make sure that you're not going to flip out. So do not develop any feelings for this girl. And the only way you're not going to develop any feelings for this girl is if you see her once a fucking week and you bang her. Okay. You don't want to know how many brothers and sisters she has. Right. It's like reservoir dogs. You guys shouldn't even know each other's names. Tell me your name. Don't tell me your fucking name. I don't know your name. Yeah, you don't know. You don't, you want that. All right. All right.

You fucking missed a pink or whatever. She's missed a blonde or Mrs. Blonde. Sorry. That's the only thing you got to worry about. All right. So, and I've learned to just be totally fucking upfront and honest. So if I got some new girlfriend, I would just tell her what's up. So what's your deal? Yeah, I'm single. I'm kind of banging my fucking roommate once a week. You know, we don't, you know, it's just sort of a fuck buddy thing. Oh, does that make you uncomfortable? Well, all right. Well, then this relationship isn't going to work because you're already uncomfortable with me. No, if I got feelings for you, I wouldn't keep banging her, but you know, I'm not taking it off the table after one fucking trip to Applebee's. Jesus Christ,

free pussy. That's like free shoes for you. Right. You know, I don't know. That's all like, all I can tell you, dude, you can't control her. Who gives a fuck, dude? Someday you're going to be 50 and you're going to be married and she's going to be bitching at you about something. Even if you love her, at some point you're just going to be reminiscing going, you know, when my life was the greatest was when I had that little fucking goddamn three bedroom apartment. All I had to do was make this amount of money a week and I had some chick once a week would just fuck my brains out and not talk to me for the other six days. God damn dream. You got the dream, sir. All right. And I don't know when you're going to wake up, but enjoy it while it lasts.

Okay. I hope I answered your question. I really do. You're in a hell of a situation. Enjoy it. All right. Kudos to you. I am jealous. Hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr and this is, uh, this is the Monday morning podcast. This is the official one. That other one that I just left was, uh, was unofficial and was not, uh, was not sanctioned by the board of directors of the Monday morning podcast. I've had a crazy day. I've been talking all day long, uh, trying to be cute, trying to be funny and trying to sell tickets for my theater dates this weekend. And I am pretty much all fucking talked out. So this is going to be a straight ahead, no bullshit. Let's get right to the meat of the fucking issue podcast,

because, uh, I'm going to the Ranger game tonight and, uh, I'm going to a bar first, which is stupid. I'm going to get sick, but I don't know how to say no. You know, I don't know how to say no. What the fuck else am I going to do? You know, so disregard the unofficial podcast, which said that I would be doing this podcast after the hockey game, because I'm not, I just decided fuck it. I'll do a quick 20 minute one with a 19 minute intro. Um, if you're new to my podcast, uh, I do one of these every Monday and I do them right here on billburr.com and, uh, I also do them on my MySpace page. No, I am not on Facebook. If you want to know why I'm not on Facebook, revert to the podcast, be unofficial one before this. And even though it's unofficial,

it is my official feeling of fucking Facebook. You like this? There's footnotes with this podcast. All right, this is the deal, man. Every week I do one of these and I answer people's questions. I read shit that they find underrated and overrated. I give people advice. I read stories about revenge and whatever else this thing spins into. And I also heighten my gigs. Like for example, this weekend, I'm going to be on April 3rd. I'm going to be at the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Um, all the information is on billburr.com, MySpace.com, slash billburr. It's all up there. And on, uh, Saturday, I am going to be at the, uh, Trump Marina. Isn't that what it is? I can't remember. I think that's what it is. Yeah, we'll be in Atlantic City at the Trump

Marina. Why doesn't that sound right when it comes out of my fucking mouth? Well, whatever. That's what I'm going to say. I'm going to be at Trump Marina. We just added a second show, which is why I've been doing all this media today, which is why I'm fucking half asleep. So I'm going to sign a little bit drunk, but I'm not. Now, that gig is this Saturday, April 4th, and I will be, uh, working with Young Joe DeRosa, one of the new stars of the Opian Anthony show. Um, and he will also be on the Opian Anthony show with, as will I this whole week. I'm going to be on it on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of this week. That would be, uh, March 31st, April 1st, and April 2nd. And Joe DeRosa is coming on on April 2nd. So there you go. Look at that.

I got all my hypeage out of the way. And like I said, this is going to be really quick. All right. And, uh, let's talk about my gig this past weekend. I was working at the House of Comedy in, uh, St. Louis, and I had a great time. Unbelievable crowds all weekend. Uh, uh, my, uh, my eight-person fan club showed up, two members strong. And, uh, I want to thank them for showing up. Uh, that's the group of people that followed me to Nashville. And do you guys remember that story when they went to Kansas City? You want a quick recap? Because we've patched things up, between us. I actually had a blowout with my fan club. There's only I can. Who the fuck gets into a fight with their fucking fan club? All right. I just like saying I have a fan club. I feel like

a teen idol. Like I should be singing some song about teenage, teenage angst. You know? No, Bill, we don't. Yeah, I should deal with my fucking hair, slick back. If I still had hair to slick back, you know, I'm looking over my shoulder, like a fucking gay actor trying to be straight. And then I fucking cat crash my car and moho and drive. This is basically what happened to my fan club. Last time they saw me, they went to at least the St. Louis chapter. Basically, they went to Kansas City when I was working the improv. I'll tell you this story really quick. And they came in and they were excited. And evidently, they were being loud. So I'm sitting in the green room and the bouncer comes back and says, Hey, Bill, there's a table

of people out there. They're really loud. They seem drunk. You want me to tell them to, you know, sort of chill out a little bit before you go up? I go, Sure, that'd be great. And evidently, the bouncer goes out there and he says to the fan club, he says, Hey, Bill Burr told you guys to shut the fuck up or something like that. So naturally, they were beside themselves. And for some reason decided to continue to drink so they could have a nice rational conversation about it after the fucking show. So the show went. Next thing you know, I got 20 people coming with Hey Bill written on their shirt. And they're all telling me what a fucking asshole I am. And I had nothing to do with it. And I explained myself on a podcast about it. I don't know when the fuck

it was. This was years ago. And but anyway, since the first time I've met any of them since then, and they were nice, they didn't try to kick the shit out of me. So evidently, everything is all good. So I want to say thanks to them for coming out and also thanks to that crew of guys from the University of Kansas. That's right, motherfuckers. They're sitting right now around a laptop high five and each other, probably doing drugs legal or not legal. I want to thank all those guys. Those motherfuckers on college kid money, you know, drove all the way from basically the other side of Kansas City to come out to my show, which was really flattering on college kid money, unless they got one rich friend, which they probably do. There's always one rich friend,

and you act like your friends with them. I want to blow up their spot right now. Act like your fucking friends with them and you're really not. You just have gas money in a fucking car, you know, then all of a sudden you wreck it. And then what do you do? You have the guy who should be in a biker gang, but for some reason he's still in college, welds a new front end to it and you turn it into a float. And then you do a bunch of shit that would be considered a terrorist act. And with the whole 9-11 Patriot Act, you'd never get away with it, right? Sounds familiar? All right, animal house reference for all you youngsters out there. All right, so this is the Monday morning podcast. And this is going to be a lean, mean one in these

lean, mean times of a fucked up economy. Anybody else who do did the right thing with their money and they're sick of people telling them that they have to pull themselves up by their bootstraps? It's like, no, I don't. No, I don't. I have to fucking, I have to, what do I have to do? I don't know what I have to do. I have to pick myself up off the floor because you dumb fucking ass knocked me down to it. I didn't do anything. You know, this whole, all this time I'm making fun of that MTV Cribs lifestyle. I should have been living it. Everyone else does, doesn't make a fucking difference. In the end, you know, I'm trying to figure a way out, man. I'm trying to get off the wheel. I'm trying to stop running on the wheel and I can't. These fucking bankers got the whole

thing sewed up. Before I go, there's another dick in my face. There's no way to fucking escape this shit. I'm really just going to have to work until I'm 106 and then I'm going to die and then that's going to be the end of it. You know, I don't have dreams. I don't want to retire. Open some fucking stupid ass bar down on the Florida Keys. Sit there in a Hawaiian shirt. You know what I mean? As I fucking sell drinks to convicted felons and gay mass murderers who are on the run because they killed a fucking, sorry, I can't remember how that one went. Trying to do an Andrew Kunan in reference there. Who did he kill? Versace. I saw a really good looking woman sort of down. You know, like my girl gets like so good looking and so super model looking that

they kind of look like an alien. I was actually doing this interview with this guy, Sean McCarthy, who has his own fucking website, which escapes me. The name of it escapes me because I'm half asleep and I did 10 of those interviews today. But we were looking at this woman and we were like, she's beautiful, isn't she? And she was like, yeah, she's unique. He's like, it kind of looks reptilian. There's something about like once you're taller than 511 as a woman and you still are somehow under 120 pounds, you know, your eyes get really big. You walk like literally aliens. You know what they look like? They look like big praying mantises. Praying mantises that you want to fuck. Okay. Anyways, let's get to the podcast questions.

Like I said, this is going to be a real quick one. Look at this. We're only 10 minutes in and Mario on the questions. All right, Bill, I love this question, by the way, because this question needed to be asked. Bill, what the fuck is the deal with Ed Hardy shirts? Can everybody just relax, take a big inhale and then exhale and just be happy that somebody questioned those fucking things? I'm going to read it again. This is how much I love this question. Bill, what the fuck is the deal with Ed Hardy shirts? Seems like it has become the uniform of the power tool. Am I an ass for not realizing these are the coolest things? Wait a minute, am I an ass for not realizing these are the coolest things ever? Or am I accidentally

smart for realizing that I don't need to wear a dress shirt with the drawing of a dragon fucking Buddha? Thanks in advance for help. Todd, you couldn't be more right. I don't get those. You know what those things are going to be? You know, every period, I'm going to talk about fashion right now. Every period has a moment where somebody wears, you know, a style comes out where you know that, you know, 10, 20 years down the line when they do the dazed and confused movie of that period. That's like, you know, they'll try to act like everybody was wearing that shit. Jesus Christ, Bill, say what you're trying to say. Put it this way. I was alive during the 70s, but I never wore bell bottoms. You know what I mean? I never had a big pink comb in my back

pocket with feathered back hair. Brandon, my hair used to be like a fucking brillo pad, so I couldn't do it. But you know what I'm saying? Well, you know, whenever they do a movie about the 70s, everybody looks like that. You know what I mean? Everybody dresses like that. That's what those Ed Hardy shirts are. Those are the horrific fashion mistake of this time period. They're fucking horrific. And not only that, that whole, a bunch of drawing on your shirt. Wasn't that in like three years ago? I remember when I was still trying to be young three years ago at a very tipsy 37 years old. I started wearing shirts like that. Those shirts were initially for the people who weren't man enough to get a tattoo over their entire torso.

And I remember like literally, like I think like a year and a half ago, I was just like, you know what, these fucking bedazzled shirts with the eagles and the fucking, I don't know, ant eaters on them, whatever the hell they are, with all these like prison tattoo designs, this shit's over. And evidently, it isn't. They're continuing with them. And Ed Hardy does them. They're like these, it's like those awful designs and bright colors. You know, seems like they would wear them in the growing up gaudy sort of kids. Seems like they would wear them. You know, they'd wear them and they'd still get pussy, you know, because they got the, because they got the attitude. You got the ant, there you go, rat, now you got the attitude. And that movie, Fast Times of Benjamin High,

every movie reference I'm going to make is going to be fucking 30 years old at this point. All right, you're absolutely right. I don't know what the deal with Ed Hardy shirts are, they're fucking horrific. And not even Armenian guys wear them, at least as far as I know. They seem to wear those other bizarre, but they're bizarrely designed and they step out of Maserati's, or at least two Armenian guys did it, a car wash, I saw in LA. So now that becomes every Armenian guy in my mindset. But that even fucking makes sense. I don't care. Okay, I'm working on five hours sleep and I've been running my mouth all fucking day. And yes, I will be giving excuses every five seconds for this podcast. All right, question

number two, Bill, I'm recently new to your podcast, but thanks to iTunes. My podcast question is, do you follow the world cup soccer in general? If so, do you root for any team specifically? And if not, you should consider the Seattle Sounders. Then come up to Seattle for a show and a game, the Seattle Sounders. All right, just when I thought Ed Hardy was going to be the worst thing I could picture in my mind, I'm just picturing the crew of people who sat around a fucking conference table and came up with the name for your soccer team. Dude, I'm not shitting on soccer. Before I trash the name of your team, let's get back to the first question. Do I follow world cup soccer? No, I don't. I would love to. I've tried to follow that

Premier League. I try to get into it because I think it is cool as hell. And I actually like soccer. I actually don't like it. I know a lot of Americans don't like this shit, but I actually like it. But I don't like American soccer just because Americans don't seem to be into it that much. So it just kind of seems like you're watching the WNBA. There's no excitement in the crowd. And, you know, I can't get excited if no one else is excited because I'm codependent. So the only time I follow the world cup is when they actually have the world cup. And when I watch it, I just root for the countries that I am, you know, that my ancestors were, I guess. I'm German Irish with a little bit of English. So I pretty much just, I root for Germany because

I think it's funny. It's just funny to root for Germany, to be in a crowd of people rooting for Germany. It's just so fucking cliche, like Nazi-esque. You know what I mean? There's no way to fucking sit there in a crowd full of people. Be cheering on Germany and somehow not feel like you're advocating the policies of Adolf Hitler. That's what I like about rooting for Germany is the, you just start laughing halfway through it like, hey, wait, am I not the, oh wait a minute, no, no, I'm just rooting for the soccer team. That's right. That's right. And I also root for the teams in South America because evidently if they miss a penalty shot, they go home and they get executed. So, but, you know, there can only be one winner. So getting back to the Seattle

Sounders, I get it, what, because what is outside of, is it Puget Sound? I know there's some sort of sound. I just hate that fucking word. I gotta look it up again. What the fuck is a sound? You know something? I don't know that I could define any sort of body of water other than an ocean. I know what an ocean is, right? I know what the fucking ocean is. Let me try to psych myself up so I can answer this. An ocean is, it's a lot of water, water between continents. What else does it have? Well, it has sharks. It has salt water. I'm a fucking moron. What is a sound? I'm just going to type sound in. Let's see what happens here. Sound is a vibration transmitted. That's not what I'm talking about. Hang on a second. Sound,

let's just write sound, water. Water, sound effects, geography. The glacier produces a sound, speed of sound, how sound and air differs, sound, water productions. What the fuck? All right, how about this? Let me write it. You gotta be a moron. This is how you find shit on the internet. What is a sound? Enter. Web definitions. Sound, sound investments. You fucking cunts. Am I spelling it wrong? How do you spell sound for water? Here it is. Sound, geography. Let's go to Wikipedia. God knows they're credible. In geography, a sound or a seaway is a large sea or ocean inlet larger than a bay. All right, what the fuck is an inlet? An inlet is a narrow body of water between islands

or leading inland from a larger, but I'm not going to read the rest of it because it's just going to get confusing. I like that. An inlet is a narrow body of water between islands. Okay, so a sound is a big inlet. A bay, I don't give a fuck in any, oh, Jesus Christ. I like this. You get a definition and every other word is highlighted because they know you're fucking stupid. So in geography, a sound or a seaway is a large sea or ocean inlet larger than a bay. So I guess it is salt water. Okay, I sort of get what that is. So they're the sounders. All right, let's look up Seattle sounders. Let's look this up. This is exciting, isn't it? Seattle sounder. Jesus Christ, you know it's a small quote one. They're not even the number one fucking

thing there. That's third lead on that. Seattle sounders. Let's see. Do they have history? Jesus Christ. You guys are really into that awful green and blue up there. Why do you guys always have that? Why does everything have to look like algae when it comes to your sports teams? You know, give everything algae. Isn't it a good team color? All right, let's get, let's get the fucking, I actually like soccer and I'm trashing. Did I mention the shout-out to the people from Kansas University? Let me get back to the fucking area. So what the fuck are we here? All right, anyways, well here's the kid hyping up the Seattle sounders game. Their new MLS expansion team up here in the atmosphere was electric. I suppose I'm a little

biased in that soccer is easily the greatest sport in the world, but having been over in Germany for the 2006 World Cup, the sounders game felt oddly similar. Okay, now do you work for the Seattle sounders? Are you really going to say going to Germany for the 2006 World Cup that going to a home game for the Seattle sounders was equivalent to that? I don't know. Evidently he's saying that it's a shit and you should go up there and you have a good time because you'll be surrounded by a C, not a sound, not an inlet of green. That was stupid why we just said that. A C, not a sound, not a bay. That's what I should have said. Inlet, that didn't make sense, did it? Because an inlet is, well actually an inlet does make

sense, doesn't it? What is an inlet? I can't remember. See, this is why I sucked in school, an inlet. Inlet is a small, straight, soda fucking body of water between, you know what, if this is Salem, listen to this, I want you to, I hope you're enjoying this because I know you're fucking laughing, but just know that you're dressed like you're in the village people. All right, let's get on to the revenge stories, shall we? Probably do overrated and underrated because I didn't close with the revenge stories because these things are so fucking long and not to mention there's a guy talking a little bit of shit about some of your other revenge stories. All right, let's get overrated, underrated. All I have this week is one

overrated because this is going to be the stripped down, send me a text message, all right, the stripped down version, okay. Over, I got to end this thing in five minutes so I got a hurry here, or else I'm going to miss my drinking time. Overrated. Thanks for the end, little punk, I got an overrated for you. Fucking relationships. Why in the hell can't guys get out, get on the damn boat already? The single guys have it down. Wine them, dine them, fuck them, and fucking leave. I guess it's like you said, I'm sorry people, I can't, I usually suck at reading them just really even worse. Dine them, dine them, and you fucking leave, that's how the single guys do it. I guess it's like you said, I think it was two podcasts ago, or so you feel the gravitational pull to

get married and have kids. I guess us guys had the same pull about being dumb enough to try and make a relationship work. Yeah, I think there's a lot of truth to that. I think what you should do is you should just remain single for your entire 20th, you know, and right about the time you're like 30, then, you know, once you get all your fucking out of your system, then you can just kind of be like, all right, I need to, you know, you're going to want to hang with somebody at some point, you know? You don't want to be the old guy in the bar like me, like I'm about to be in 45 minutes. You know, hey, there's sugar, you know, calling women by old, old rat pack names. All right, let's get on to the revenge story. I'm going to read this guy's first because he's

talking a little bit of trash, and I like this guy's coming out, he's coming out really confident. All right, revenge story number one. Bill, it seems like all the revenge stories that you've been reading on the podcast lately have been sent by a bunch of pansies that take the pussy, passive form of revenge and fuck with somebody's car. Shit like that is lame and a pathetic attempt to get back at someone. What they really need to do is take a more aggressive approach. Here is my revenge story, and I want you guys to know this. I haven't even read this one yet. All right, I just saw that intro, and I'm like, well, with an intro like that, this has to be the best revenge story we've heard so far. So with that, let's all judge

this guy's revenge story. As I read it for the first time, and I want you to know that things like fucking nine pages long, goddamn people, I'll tell you, revenge is a quick, what the fuck did I just do? Revenge is not a quick thing here. Hang on, I just accidentally hit the wrong button. All right, I'm back, I'm back. All right, here we go, the revenge story. All right, Phil, this happened a few years ago when I was 17 and working at a fast food joint. One night I was closing the place, and I was rolling a blunt at one of the tables to smoke after I got off of work. In other words, he was a typical fucking fast food kid. So anyways, a new kid that just started working there a couple weeks before thinking he was doing the right thing. Oh, dude, you read, you read,

you know, half the shit isn't my problem. You guys don't write in complete censuses. Anyways, a new kid, this guy's rolling a fucking joint at goddamn table and the new kid thought he was doing the right thing, and he turned me into the manager on duty that night. The manager laughed at him because he couldn't care less about what I was doing, or the fact that his employees smoked weed. Yeah, it wasn't that nice, but a great manager. Next day, when I go into work, that same manager tells me what happened the night before. I'm not pissed, but I'm more like, you know, what the fuck? That this guy would run to the manager and think they need some sort of whistleblower. I decided, so I decided that the guy needs to learn his lesson. Jesus Christ. Nice setup so far,

and I'll see you guys. I'm enjoying this. So anyways, I call up a friend of mine to get what I need, and when the kid goes on his break and orders his lunch, when he's not looking, I drop the two hits of acid I brought to with me in his drink. Okay, I read that wrong. I got two hits of acid. Okay, you know, you guys, can you proofread these fucking things so I don't sell the dumbest person on? You know what he did? He took two hits of acid and he dropped them in his fucking fruit punch. So anyways, he sits down and he starts eating, and I go back to work, and I wait for it to kick in and the entertainment to start.

All right, I'm starting to guess the vibe of this story. Evidently, when he says you're keying the car, he doesn't mean that you're a pussy because you didn't do something face to face. Evidently, this maniac doesn't think you took it far enough. All right, back to the story. An hour later, when he clocks back in, I can tell it's beginning to kick in hard. I watch as the do-gooder cunt starts to trip balls and freaks everyone out, starts to trip balls and freaks everyone out. Nobody else knows what is going on with the guy, so they lock him in the back manager's office. Dude, this is really dangerous because he didn't know he was, he's probably never done drugs. He probably thought he was going crazy. That's really dangerous and fucking hilarious. All right,

when he's in there, he really starts to lose his shit and tears the place apart. My manager calls the cops and when they get there, they go back and cuff them and put them in the back of a squad car. There's a lot of confusion in the place and everyone tries to figure out what the hell just happened. The cop starts to question everyone to try and figure out just what went on, but I play it off dumb just like everyone else, saying he just started to act crazy. Dude, what do you, have a life of crime? You're playing that shit off, not worried that you're going to get caught? Are you on work release from prison? Anyways, after taking everyone's statements, the cops leave and caught the guy off. He never did come back to work or even show his face in that place again.

Don't know if it was out of embarrassment, confusion to what happened, hang on, confusion to what happened or outright fear of the place. So I don't know whatever happened to him. It still is the best 15 bucks that I ever spent. Jesus Christ, dude. That's fucking hardcore, man. I like how you confuse this. I don't know why. I don't know if he was embarrassed, if he was confused. Dude, you don't think he figured out what the fuck happened and he wasn't able to put fucking one and one together and make two? That's what I had to say rather than say put two and two together and get four. This is so easy. This is one and one. Well, let's see. I read it out. So how many people do you think he read it out for doing drugs in the last 24 hours,

then all of a sudden he starts fucking tripping? Wow. I'm such a sadistic fuck. There would be a part of me that would really enjoy that, especially if he was always doing the right thing. People who always fuck up in life just really hate people who are doing the right thing. I've talked to you about these people. They're called cunts. As much as I hate cunts, I really am one when it comes to certain kinds of people. I have no tolerance for people who are pussies. I don't. It's not because I'm a tough guy. It probably reminds me of a certain part of my personality that I don't like, but in general, you know, who goes on and tells somebody? You know what? Fuck that guy. What was he trying to take your position? At the fryer later,

so it could be fucking douchebag of the month. Wow. That really must have psychologically damaged him. I mean, think about that. You know, his whole life, that mama's boy, he probably always like, you know, Eddie just had a sandwich and now he's swimming. He didn't wait 15 minutes. Well, that's very good. Mikey always got rewarded for it. And then he fucking wraps you up. Hey, you know, that fucking, you know, guy over there smoking weed. And then the man is just like, yeah, that's what you do. We work in a fast food joint. Do you think this was our dream in life? For the love of God, somebody give me a hit because I can't take the fucking pain of reality anymore. Why don't you go mop something up your little pussy? That's probably what happened.

The next day he's like, geez, probably went home to talk to his mom. I couldn't believe it, golly jammy. I mean, he was doing, he had a marijuana cigarette. Well, don't you worry, you did the right thing. Okay. And you just stay away from him and you go to work tomorrow and you make sure you do a good job. And he goes to work and he fucking, he fucking puts the date break drug in there. Not the date break drug. You know, I'm saying he puts acid in there. Jesus Christ. Imagine if you never even had a sip of beer and the first thing happens, he was too hit the acid. I never took acid. Thank God. Thank God. I never ratted out somebody doing drugs. Anyway, sorry. Here's another revenge story. I'm going to read this one,

then I got to wrap it up. Hey, Bill, I'm with you on the no revenge rule. People suffer. Oh, this isn't even a revenge thing. This is just a question. This guy needs some advice. This falls into the ask Bill portion of the podcast, the advice. People like to ask me for advice, even though I'm a fucking moron. Let me just read this whole thing because anyway, I was writing to you to talk about, okay, here's the property. He needs some advice. Anyway, Bill, I was writing to you to talk about my cunt of a girlfriend and hopefully to get some advice. I love how cunt has just become the catchphrase of the podcast here. Anyways, me and my girlfriend have been together for about two and a half years.

We knew each other as teenagers along with some other people. She dated one of our friends and he eventually moved on and got married. Me and her remained friends and eventually we became close. We started dating. She isn't the best girlfriend. Well, yeah, I figure that considering you're calling her a cunt. Yeah, because she had a couple of things that annoyed you. She isn't the best girlfriend, but I have become pretty comfortable having her around and her two kids, not from me, or two kids, not from me. They love me and we have become quite the family. Here is where shit went wrong. Recently, we visited our friends in New York and we were all partying and shit and I get a horrible headache and sit down on the couch to

rest it off. I was out of it for like 30 minutes and I wake up to a nightmare. I hear my friend in the kitchen hitting on my girlfriend. Wow. If that's not bad enough, she's into the shit and encouraging him and flirting back. After I had all I could take, I walked into the kitchen and they made the oh shit face when they looked at me, but I didn't say anything then. I didn't say anything then and there. The next night, or possibly the same night since I was hammered every day I was there, me and my girlfriend go to bed in the guest room. While we are laying there, she gets up to go to the bathroom and after she didn't return, after about 50 minutes, I open the door and what do I see? Him and her standing there alone in the hallway having a

quiet conversation. Jesus Christ, dude, this is getting creepy. Here's her story. She was just entertaining herself and it wasn't going to go anywhere. She didn't sleep with him or anyone else so I'm overreacting. So I'm overreacting by considering breaking up, considering all we, really she, have to lose. Oh, considering all that you guys have to lose. Yeah, it's really her with the two fucking kids. Alright, so anyway, she's been walking around crying out of a set about the shit. She has told me she is sorry and will never happen again. She has been pretty much worshiping me the last few days and the shit is starting to eat away at me. I also know that I purchased most of the shit in this house and if slash when we separate, I will be taking most of it

with me and that is going to make it a lot more difficult and painful for her and her kids. At this point, I'm like fuck all of this and I am ready to leave. I'm ready to leave and shit, but honestly, I'm starting to feel like a real douche for not being able to get past this shit. The kids will be devastated and they're pretty much doomed once I leave because I am pretty much the glue that holds this family together. At the same time, I feel like if she would do this shit after years, what kind of hope does that give us for the future? What kind of relationship can we have after some shit like this? I would love some feedback on this bill even though you never read my letters during the podcast. Insert guilt here. Just telling me what you think I should

do in this situation. You're in that classic halfway point between emotion, for your feelings for the kids, you're in the halfway point between that and knowing exactly what the fuck you need to do and you're doing what you need to do. You need to reach out to people who are going to read, affirm what you know in your heart of hearts, what you have to do is you have to get the fuck out of there. You got to get out of there. Do you think that's the first guy she hit on? If she's hitting on guys, that means she's probably fucking other guys and if she's not, she's going to. Right now, she's just in a panic mode and she's in a panic mode not because she's worried about losing you because of all that other bullshit that you mentioned. Because

you sound like you're the most responsible of the people there and the only fucking hope her kids have is that you'll stick around because she is, I don't know, she doesn't have her shit together. You got to get out, dude. You got to get out. You might be good for the kids right now, but eventually you're not going to be because the misery that you're going to have being in a relationship with somebody that you can't trust as far as you can fucking throw them is eventually going to rub off on how you feel about the whole situation and it's going to be really hard for you not to be a fucking douche around those kids. You're probably going to start drinking and eventually you're going to start a fucking relationship and the longer you're there,

the more shit you're going to buy. Dude, this is what you got to do. You got to give yourself six weeks. Just break it up in two-week increments. The first two weeks is going to be brutal. Just cry on the floor with a pint of fucking Hagen Dazs, like a little bitch, and get through it. Every time you want to call that fucking cunt that you can't trust anymore, you call a friend of yours instead. You call a buddy of yours, the kind of buddy who's going to fucking take you out drinking and get you back in the fucking game. That's what you do. All right? You do that and turn that time. The last fucking thing you do is get into another relationship. All right? Don't fucking do that. Don't do the J-Lo. When you get out of that,

you jump into something else. Fuck that. All right? You stay fucking single. You know? You just get through six fucking weeks and gradually after two weeks goes by, you know what I mean? You start having a life. You start going down the park playing Frisbee with your next door neighbor. I don't know what the fuck. You'll start filling up the time. That's all it is, and the breakup. Haven't it, you know, after like a few days, unless you really love somebody, you're already getting past them. What you're really trying to do is wondering, well, what the fuck did I do during all this time? How did I used to fill up my free time? And that's what you got your boys for. They'll take you out, go drinking, go to games, you know, buy the big fucking industrial

size box of condoms. Just fucking, you know, bang away. Do all the shit you got to do, but dude, you got to get out of that relationship. You know you got to get out of the relationship, and it sucks, but you know what, dude? It's a fucking, it's a 20 minute conversation. 20 minutes. What you have to say takes fucking 30 seconds, but you got to deal with fucking the next 20 minutes of all her bullshit, trying to use all these different techniques to try to get you to stay. She's going to go with the guilt. She's going to go with hysteria. She's going to go with anger. She's going to fucking unload her female fucking gun of emotion at you, and you just have to stick to your fucking, you got to stick to your guns. I'm out. I'm out because

you fucked up. You fucked up. I can't trust you. I can't trust you. The relationship is over. Relationship is over. It's over. Not only were you hitting on another guy, you're hitting on my best friend. You fucking cunt. You untrustworthy fucking cunt, and you got the balls to sit here and ask like, I'm going to fucking stay with you. Are you out of your fucking mind? Wait a minute. Strike that. Don't say that mean shit. Don't say that mean shit, because then, then you don't do, don't do like that. Just say, look, I can't trust you. You know what? Yeah, fuck that. I don't want to fuck up. You know what you got to do, all right? But don't, don't, don't get sucked into a, you know, fuck you, fuck you, fight with her, all right? And she's going

to do the usual shit that women always do. Once she gets to the anger thing, then she'll go with, she'll go with the usual. So somehow she'll question your sexuality, your ability in bed. She'll probably do that. Well, maybe if you fucking blah, blah, blah, I wouldn't be hitting on your friend. She's just going to do that in a last ditch hope that you're going to turn around, blast her in the fucking face so she can get a little more money out of you and you can go to jail and she can keep you fucking PlayStation. So don't get sucked into that. When she says that remark, you just be like, yeah, you know what? Yeah, I guess I, I guess I do suck in bed. So, you know, have fun fucking my friend. You know, if you seem like you really want to,

you know, or whatever. Now that was lame. But you know, most of that was good. Okay. Don't get sucked into that. Don't get sucked into any sort of domestic violence thing. All right. I'm not trying to judge you, but that's a really white trash sort of situation you're involved in there. Well, you got this, you know, I mean, dude, you said in the beginning that you're fucking thing. Yeah, I'm kind of, I'm only kind of into this girl and she's got two fucking kids. You know what I mean? This is why you got to stay single, dude. You got to figure out what the fuck is with you that you got yourself into this mess to begin with. All right. But dude, it could have been worse. You could have fucking, you could have had kids with her. He could have been married. Hey, hey,

yeah, they could have been, she could have been fucking poison in you every morning. You know, those girls, they don't know how to break up with you. So they start putting fucking that cyanide in you and your goddamn rice Krispies. All right, dude, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, get the fuck out. You know what to do. All right, get the fuck out. Call one of your friends, be listened to it. I got to get out of this situation. It sucks. So I'm going to need you over the next six weeks. Anytime I call you and I'm like, I need to go out boozing, you got to be there. You and your fucking liver have got to be there for me. You know, that's what you got to do. All right. There you go. I know I just said the same thing for

fucking 20 minutes, but you know, I've been in that situation never with the two kids, but you got, you got, you got to go, dude. You got to go. All right. All right, get grasshopper. Now make me proud and send me an email in the week and tell me that you got the fuck out of there. All right. All right. That's it. That's the Monday morning podcast. God bless all of you. I hope to see you out of one of my shows. Yeah. We've got a problem here. I can see the sign.

I got the lady is still making a put my high. You gonna see her getting me thank you. She love me, she love me. Yeah, baby love me, don't you? COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better

resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at COVID-resources.org or call 877-904-5097.