Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-30-23

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

Bill rambles about gaskets, doors opening for no reason, and the news. Thursday Afternoon Throwback: (3-30-15) Bill rambles about take out food, broad jobs, and red headed seals. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Night Moves - Denise Policy Genius:  Head to www.policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on ya. Just checking in to see how your day's going. You know what? I got to be honest with you, man. I was having. I was having the greatest fucking day. I was having the greatest day, sitting here in my leather chair, and then I sat down to do the podcast, and I don't know what the fuck. It's like I'm going to sit down. I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter. I'm going to go on YouTube. I'm going to find whatever version of GarageBand I have, and I'm going to try and figure out why the simplest fucking things, like for some reason I have

a robot voice. How do I get rid of the robot? Oh, I know. I'll click on voice, and there's no just fucking thing that you click. You got to do this, and then go into the fucking settings, and there's ... You know what it reminds me? It reminds me of my fucking wife's car. She's got all these smart cars. The fucking thing just thinks too much. I have to go into settings to fix that fucking thing. When you approach the car, the driver's side door automatically opens up. It's like you're walking by, you're bringing the trash barrels in. If you have the fucking key in your pocket, the fucking door opens. It's like a goddamn dog that wants to go outside. It's like, nobody. I'm just going up to get a drink. We're not going OUT,

and I don't want to say OUT, or you're going to start doing fucking somersaults. This is what a car is doing. There's got to be a way in the settings, because that's what I've learned when I talk to people that understand computers. They always say, okay, go into your settings. The first thing they say is, what version of this fucking nightmare do you have? I'm like, and they're like, all right, go into general. Click. You see at the top? What does it say? All right. Okay. Okay. Good. Now go into settings. Now scroll down. Can you click on, do you see anywhere where it says this is easy? Do you see where it says this is easy? Click on that. Yeah, that isn't on my phone. It isn't. There's nothing there that says

this is easy. No, nothing. Hmm. Well, that's interesting. And then there goes the next fucking hour of your life. And you have this version of it. Yes. And you go into settings and it doesn't say blah, blah, blah. No, it doesn't. Can you look again? Hey, lady, I can look all fucking day. I'm stuck in the mud here. I'm on the side of the fucking road. That's how that works. That's how today's shit works. And I'm actually acting like you actually can get a person on the phone. Like, you know, it's hilarious. Like if you actually called, if you went to the garage band store where there is no fucking store, there's no person to call. There's no fucking number. There's no person. There's just nothing. It's like, here it is.

You figure it out. Send us an email. We'll put it in the go fuck yourself mailbag and maybe like winning the lottery, we'll pull yours out and we'll have a fucking robot give you a generic fucking answer. And that's considered customer service as opposed to I just randomly called Dean Del Rey the other day. And I said, Hey, man, what are you doing? You know, I only got a couple days left. Oh, I know what I said. Hey, MotoGP starting. He's opening for me when I'm in college station and we're going to the MotoGP race. First races today. You want to come over and watch it? And he goes, yeah, I go, where you at? And he goes, I'm at this service station. And I said, Oh, cool that, you know, a little out of the way. I'll go, you know, I swung, swung

by to go get him. And he introduces me to this mechanic and I'm looking and the guys got all of these old cars he's working on. And Dean goes, Yeah, this guy's fucking amazing. I said, Hey, I got a, I got a, an old F 100 that's leaking oil, you know, around the transmission. I need I think I need a gasket, the gasket replaced. I was told on one side of the other, but everybody I approached the second they find out it shifts on the column, they don't want anything to do with it. And he goes, bring it by, bring it by my friend. I said, when he goes, bring it by on Friday, I say, cool, I bring the fucking thing by Friday. All right. He calls me that afternoon. He said, Okay, listen, this has a little more than blah, blah, blah than I thought it was going to be.

And I said, listen, I don't care what it is, whatever you find it, just fix it. Send me the bill. We're good. All right. I just need this fixed. I can't, this thing's been leaking in my garage for the last 10 years. He goes, okay. So I get a call last night. I missed it. The guy brought it in Friday. Yesterday was, was, uh, Tuesday. I'm recording here on Wednesday. I missed the guy because it was the end of the day. I called him this morning. I go, what's up? And I'm waiting for him to be like, Oh, the fucking aspirator too with the fucking, you know, metaphysical, uh, carburetor intake with the fucking, uh, bungee cord. I'm waiting for all of this technical talk. I said, what's up? He goes, it's done. I go, it's done. He goes,

yeah, come down and pick it up. The guy pulled the transmission, figured out what the problem was, replaced the gaskets on both sides, on both sides, and what was done by Tuesday. I went down to the garage. I was like floating. I was like, I don't give a fuck if you charge me fucking 90 grand. I can't believe, oh, I give a fuck about that. But you know, I can't, this is amazing. And that my friends is, has gone away with this whole new thing and, uh, of like, yeah, there is no customer service. There is no one to talk to. There is no phone number. It's like, we got your money. We don't want to deal with you. We know that what we sold you sucks. All right. Slash your old and computer illiterate and you're not going to be able to figure it out.

So now, you know, it's like go on YouTube and hope somebody had the same problem and tried to figure it out. So God bless that guy. And, um, I don't know about this other stuff. I'm, you know, look, let's be honest here. All right. Most of this is me being a fucking baby and having ADD and just really not paying attention as computers started to take over because they never interest me. I just, I don't find them interesting. I don't get excited by new technology in that field. I find it boring as hell. I don't give a fuck about any of it. I don't think my life is better now that my entire record collection is in my pocket. I think people are blowing out their fucking ears. Nobody's talking to anybody. I kind of realized the other night, you know, like I just

turned off the, um, when I hang out with my kids now, I just turned the TV off and I tell them, you know, their iPad, I just tell them, shut all that shit off. And they literally complained for anywhere from 30 seconds to about three minutes. And then after that, they're running around playing with each other and they're playing with their toys. And I'll tell you, they make a fucking mess, but I don't give a shit because they're not staring at those goddamn screens. And I'm just going to start doing that more, um, as opposed to, uh, you know, I'll do a little bit because, you know, they can't grow up like those kids. Do you ever see that, that documentary where those fucking kids were like sitting in that New York apartment? They were in New York City with

all of these people, all of these different races, cultures, all this food and all this shit, and they just stayed in there. And what was amazing though was their imagination and they would watch movies and then they would react, they would make all the costumes out of like cereal boxes and shit, but like they were sort of, uh, had an arrested development socially, obviously, because they weren't interacting with kids their age, but, um, let's take it to an extreme. You know, what's amazing about their dad, their dad was basically had the same characteristics. Usually that type of personality wants to live in the middle of nowhere, um, which we all live in the middle of nowhere when you really come down to it. You know what I mean?

But like city people's idea of the middle of nowhere, which country people look at is paradise, which by the way, not to bring up a really bad subject, here's a question I have for gun owners out there, um, because now, you know, liberals are flipping out as they always do whenever there's a school shooting. Um, liberals want to take the guns away. People on the right say that's, you guys are fucking idiots. That's not the problem. All right. And meanwhile, not enough people are saying, is there a reason that CNN and Fox news, other than their own diabolical going after every fucking nickel they can sensationalize these things? Cause they're not reporting on it. They're not doing anything about it. It's like, maybe if you stopped, I mean, this fucking wacko

chick is, I mean, I went to a diner today. I, you know, I buy like a New York post. I'm old. I read the paper, right? And this fucking lunatic is on the front fucking page. And you have to understand that when you do shit like that, the same way some kid that plays a little bit of hoop watches the NBA, he wants to get in the NBA, like shooting up a school is the NBA for fucking psychos. So stop showing them that they're going to get all of this fucking attention. There's got to be something to that because my whole life they've had these fucking weapons. And somewhere along the line that Columbine thing happened in ever since then people just fucking do this shit. But here's my question. Whenever they say, Hey, let's take away these

assault rifles and you can still have your guns, just take away these assault rifles, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's not what they do. What they do is they talk about gun owners like they're fucking morons, you know, classic, you know, what both sides do, they start their argument off by insulting the other people, which makes the other people completely closed off to the argument. So here's the question that I have as someone who doesn't own a gun, but actually likes guns. It's just my ears. I don't think I could handle, you know, it's a skill. They're fun and they handled correctly. They're amazing. And you can defend yourself from a fucking lunatic, which makes a lot of sense when you live in the middle of nowhere. Like I've said, there's like

you're on your own out there. So I understand that. But my thing is when they sit there and they go, we'll make it harder to get these assault rifles and blah, blah, blah, blah, the argument with people who have guns always seem to be like, so then what, only the bad people get guns, right? Which I understand that to a certain extent. But when I look at this fucking idiot who shot up the school out in Tennessee, I really don't see if she can't go to a fucking Walmart or some local gun store to buy this shit. I don't see that fucking wing nut being able to navigate the dark web and somehow get Henry Hill to show up to her fucking doorstep, half coked up with a bunch of handguns with them with the silencers don't fit them.

So that's my thing about that where if you make it harder, I still think decent people could could pass all those fucking tests and still have their guns. But these fucking mental midgets, you know, won't be able to just walls in. And like, you know, somebody's standing behind a fucking counter at a Walmart or a gun store. They're not a psychologist. That's not their fucking job. They're not, you know, that's not, they're not going to be able to figure out that any more than I could. So that is my question. Like if they made it just a little more difficult, but you could still, but you as a sane fucking person could still go out and buy whatever gun you wanted. Is that, does that work? And I'm completely ignorant of the whole thing, but I was just curious

to that because, you know, it's funny, like, you know, liberals were saying like, uh, you know, they want to ban books, but they don't want to fucking ban guns. And then people go and like, fuck head, we want to ban pornography and shit like that, you know, and then there was some of that gender identity shit. Now my interest is a whole nother fucking can of worms. But I also respect people if they go, Hey man, listen, that's my fucking job. I will talk about sex and gender identity in all of that with my own kid. I don't want you guys doing it, which I got to be honest with you. I understand that argument because I remember like health class where they taught you about sex and all of that shit, you know, when they were just doing the mainstream regular old,

you know, all they talked about was heterosexual shit and they were even fucking that up. It wasn't like the lack of fucking information. They would, they would, this is your body. So this is how it works. They should have been in there and be like, listen, you can get a disease. You could knock somebody up and ruin your life. All right. This is, you know, this is, this is what love is. This is what you should be looking for. This is how you break up with somebody. Like there's like so much more that they could be talking about. And to leave it up to them, I don't know. I don't know. They're probably going to fuck it up anyway, but I understand both sides where people with gender identity should have like, well, we would like to be considered

mainstream enough to be talked about in a public fucking school. So kids who are going through that don't feel alienated. So I understand that I can basically kind of understand everything. And I wish everybody would be like, Hey, I kind of understand the thing. Let's fucking try to find a middle ground instead of just hurling insults at each other on social media. How about that? Did that work at all on any law? Of course, my fucking agent calls me now. Can't call me. I do a fucking podcast. I never talked to this guy. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. I got to take this. God damn it. Now I'm hanging up. Now I don't have to say it. Anyway, so that that's my main question about the gun thing is if you could still get, you know, all those assault weapons and all

that shit that you want to get and everything, but they made it a little more difficult just because that person seemed pretty fucking simple. You know, like that person as far as like trying to navigate a more difficult world to get that gun kind of seems like she would be like me trying to navigate garage band and would flip out and get upset and then say fuck computers and maybe walk away as opposed to doing that. And then it would be nice if CNN and Fox and the New York Post and all these fucking newspapers wouldn't use these horrible stories to try and make more fucking money. These are the same cunts to who come after stand up comedians about jokes. And meanwhile, they're profiting off of school shootings. Oh, am I on my fucking soapbox?

And maybe I shouldn't come at them like that. I should ask them. All right. Anybody out there in journalism, do you think that like one of the things contributing to this idea that crazy people now have to go in and do that is the amount of media attention that it gets? Is it like, is that too simple a fix? It probably is. If it came from my simple brain, I don't know. Anyway, let's get back to my simple life. I'm going out on the road. Actually today, when you listen to this, I'm going out on the road again on the road again, chicka boom, chicka boom, boom, boom. And I got a run of dates. I'm going to knock them out. And then I'm going to retire. And that's it. No, it's not the truth, but that's what I want to

say someday. Not even retire. I just enjoyed hanging out being with my family and stuff. They're frigging awesome. Making breakfast every day, driving them to school. I would take both my kids to school and they would be, you know, arguing about the radio and shit. It was kind of fun. And the other night I got into it, you know, got a little back and forth. My wife, my daughter was going, I don't like when you guys squabble. That's what she said. And I said, well, you know, that's, it happens. You know, it was like you and your brother were, were squabbling about the radio. She goes, no, we weren't. I was like, yeah, you were. It happens. I'm going to work on it. I know, I know dad, you know,

she's always, my daughter always gets on me going like that. You, why do you always say the bad words? And I'm like, you know, I don't always say them, but I do say them a lot. I try not to say them. And she's like, why do you say them? And I said, well, I grew up saying them. I've been saying them a long time. So it's hard for me to stop. And I don't know, I don't know if that works, but like, you know, she told one of the kids at school that I say the F word all the time. And it's my favorite word. Fortunately, I'm friends with that other kid's parents. So, you know, she told me and Nia that she was laughing and thought it was funny. I was just like, oh, brother, Jesus, just failing right and left here. So anyway,

plowing ahead here. Oh my God, the fucking, the New York Yankees, you know, I read the post this morning and they were going on and on. They got, they got this new fucking shortstop coming up, you know, and as a Red Sox sock fan, I'm just sitting there like really, like, here we go again. I mean, it's just what it's an unbelievable, I hate to say it as a Red Sox fan. It's just a fucking unbelievable franchise. Like here they go again. They, they're fucking scouts have been crushing it. It's, it's over a century now. So they got this new kid coming up, Anthony Volpe. And they're like, oh, he was super smart. Both his parents are like in the medical field. He was going to go to Vanderbilt. He won a couple of championships at the high school level, but

the Yankee scouts knew that if he went to Vanderbilt, he was going to crush it there. And he'd be too high a draft pick. And the Yankees would never have a chance to get him, but they knew that he loved the Yankees. So right, but he verbally commits to Vanderbilt. They go down, they sit down and have breakfast with them. They say, we believe in you. You can follow in the steps of your favorite player, Derek Jeter. Here we go. And he decides to commit to the Yankee. So I don't know anything about this kid other than he had an amazing spring training. So here's my question that I asked two of my friends today. I said, thoughts on Anthony Volpe. I had to be a dick because of Yankee fans. I said,

thoughts on Anthony Volpe. I go, next great Yankee or another New Yorker named Tony that didn't do shit with his life. That's going to piss off a lot of people over the age of 46. Um, so I feel like that name's going away. Like Anthony's going, all these names are fucking going away. Um, you know, it's funny. I've been doing this bit about Armenians and I needed like a nice generic Armenian name. And I did the bit in front of a table full of Armenians and they all laughed, which is that's how I work those jokes. You know, so I know I'm saying I'm right. I don't go by the laugh. I look for the person that's in the group and I go, all right. And if they're just staring at me, I'm like, all right, I'm not saying, I'm not saying this the right way because they're

supposed to be laughing along with me, not looking at me like I just said something fucked up. So fortunately I said the Armenian joke, right? Cause you don't want to fuck with those people. So I said the joke, right? And afterwards they came up to me and I said, was that right? They go a hundred percent, a hundred percent. I go, am I wrong? They go, nope, you're not wrong. And I was like, all right, what is a generic? I need like the Anthony Tony fucking Billy Bobby Armenian name. So they helped me out. So I want to say thanks to them because I needed that name for a tag that only like five people are going to get, but it's still worth it. I just needed the right name. So I've been doing that. I've been playing my drums, you know, been flying, been working out.

I've been drinking coffee. I've been laying off the cigars. I basically, you know, been hanging out with my kids. I just am enjoying this last week and I am so thankful that I took this time off. And I am so thankful that the amount of time I took off when I go back, people still want to see me. So thank you to everybody that's coming out in Ottawa. Thank you to everybody that's going to the Patricio Neil benefit. And, you know, I got some gigs in Maine, New Hampshire and old stomper grounds for me. I want to thank everybody for buying the frigging tickets. So, you know, I can keep having a fun job. I mean, what is there to complain about? GarageBand. GarageBand. This is the shit I complain about. Oh, I bring in my trash barrels

in the car door to my fucking wife's car keeps. That is fucking annoying. One time it opened up as my kid was walking around the other side and almost like opened into my daughter's face and knocked her down. You know what's funny? I know, I know if I just went on YouTube, if I just went on YouTube and just looked that up, there's a video and someone will explain to me how to fix that. And I've had the car for a couple of years too. That's all I need to do. But what happens is, is when I go onto the internet, when I go on YouTube, I always end up seeing a video that I want to watch and then I forget what I was there. You know, there's always going to be like, Toronto Maple Leafs, New York Rangers, 1993, rough stuff. I'm like, well, I got to watch that.

Got to be some fights here. I got, I guess, you know, who's on those teams? Who's the tough guys there? Who's that guy? Look like Kirk Gibson with the big fucking mustache. One of the great Maple Leafs. Not Willie Platt. What was the guys? It's going to come to me like man's man hockey player. Fuck. Anyway, see, I watched that. There'll be some drumming video that I got to see. By the way, I hung out with the great Andrew Thimulus the other night. And he was playing that band Night Moves. Highly recommend them. He played them for me a while ago and I was blown away by the talents of the people in that band. And I don't know, just, I kind of drifted away and went back to my, you know, baby boomer music that I listened to slash

80s kid shit. And I forgot to go back to it. And now I revisited it and bought their first album. I got the one from 2012 and the one from 2019. Incredible, incredible, like mesmerizing music. I'm enjoying the hell out of it. It's great driving music. And I was actually thinking there's a couple of songs I would actually like to listen to when I was flying, but like, it's not how it works. How about when I go commercial, right? When I get back out on the road again. Anyway, oh, and I finished watching at close range. Sean Penn, Christopher Walken, and rest his soul, Chris Penn, Crispin Glover. And oh my God, what's the woman who plays the love interest? She's fucking great in it. I'm the worst. I'm the worst. But you got to see

this monologue Christopher Walken does before he kills somebody. Like, it doesn't, I don't understand what the metaphor for is. He just has this dude in the woods and he just goes, I'm going to do a really bad Christopher Walken. I'm just letting you know. I've done this for half of my friends today on the phone. He literally just says to the kid, he just goes, he's like, coyote bitch is in heat. She satisfies all the male coyotes. And then she goes to town. The dogs can smell it on her. You know, his voice goes down. And he basically says, the coyote that's in heat, the dogs can smell that it's on heat, lures one of the dogs away, and then the other coyotes kill that dog. And I'm like, all right. And then he just looks at the guy

and he goes, you're going in front of the grand jury. What are you going to say? Dude, it's like nothing. And he's, and he goes, dad, and he goes, and he just shoots them. And I'm like, all right. So is he supposed to be that coyote bitch in heat and like satisfying the other guys is he's the brains. And when they steal all those other coyotes get to eat, is it a metaphor? And now he's gone to town because he can't trust this kid. So he's drawn him out so the other guys can kill him, but he kills him. And why would he be a coyote in heat? I mean, you want to talk about gender confusion, maybe they should have that in public schools. They should go back and take the class. I don't know. But you got to see the monologue.

Dude, Christopher Walken is so fucking amazing. He's so fucking sinister in that goddamn movie. And it holds up. The movie holds up at close range on Amazon. You got to check it out. All right. If you guys have any movies that you can recommend, all right, I'm in a good mood again. I don't give a fuck about goddamn garage band. Let me read. Let me read some copy here. Once I type in my password. I love how you got to do this every fucking time. You know what I mean? Like I have CIA documents here. Like my fucking laptop ever goes anywhere. What the hell is it? What are you going to say? All right, policy genius, everybody. A good life insurance plan

can give you peace of mind that if something happens to you, your family will have a safety net to cover your mortgage payments, college costs or other expenses. Oh, that was all the same sentence. So they can get back on their feet and focus on what's important with policy genius. You can find life insurance policies that start at just $25 per month, $25 per month for $1 million of coverage. But $25 bucks, you can give your spouse motive to whack you. This is incredible. You might end up on the first 48 or, you know, if your dumb ass goes up on a ladder and comes down the hard way, then they're not going to be destitute. There's a whole bunch of ways to look at this. Some options offer coverage in as little as a week and avoid unnecessary

medical exams. Policy genius has licensed agents who can help you find the best fit for your needs. They work for you, not the insurance companies. That means they don't have an incentive to recommend one insurer over another so you can trust their guidance. There are no added fees and your personal details are private. No wonder. They have thousands of five-star reviews on Google and Trust and TrustPilot. Your loved ones deserve a financial safety net. You deserve a smarter way to find and buy it. Head to PolicyGenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's PolicyGenius.com. P-O-L-I-C-Y-G-E-N-I-U-S.com. All right. So before I sign off here, I really want to hear from gun owners, man. You guys own

guns. You went through the whole process. Half of these stupid ass fucking liberals talking, I would say 90% of them talking about don't own guns, don't understand the process, don't know what the fuck's going on. So you went through all of that. You took the gun safety thing, you're shooting at paper targets, right? You're amping yourself up that you're going to fight off a government if they get too tyrannical and all of that shit, even though they could have some nerd from four states away fly a drone in and end your fucking life while you're eating a bowl of soup. I wanted to like, what would your solution be where you could still get your machine guns and all this shit that you want? And fuck the rest of the world too, who are like, oh my god, this

country is so insane. Yeah, it is insane. It is insane. This is fucking gangs in New York over here. This is how this whole fucking thing went down. It was not nice. Nobody left. Everybody's still here. This isn't like fucking other countries where, you know, you guys all crawled out of the same fucking cave or whatever happened. All right, we come from all the caves over here. This is March Madness. There's brackets over here. Yeah. And this whole fucking thing was done by force and all of this shit. And it's just the train has left the station. So guns are here. They're here to fucking stay. So let's have the gun owners figure this shit out. Help me out here. Help a non gun owner out who's actually fucking open minded. All right, just to let you know,

in my past, I was a card carrying member of the Prius family. All right, that is it. That is all go fuck yourselves. Have a nice weekend. You can't my voice cracked your cunt. I'll see some of you bastards up there in Ottawa. I'll see some of the rest of you in New York City. I am very excited. And of course, of course, I get to see one of the dreamiest men that the big guy upstairs ever created the one and only club soda Kenny. All right, that's it. Enjoy the music from the great Andrew Femmless. Check out night moves if you get a chance. And you guys keep suggesting movies, keep sending me pictures, old cars that you think I should buy. I love that shit. And gun owners, don't be shy. I want to

hear from you. Let's try to figure this out on this podcast that no one will listen to when it comes to solutions, because it's better to keep people divided and yelling at each other. So the Ponzi scene continues out. So come and meet a little guy. She will call me up late at night. Signed in the feelings that I want to be long just in time with Denise. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday 30 March 30 everybody in like a lamb out like a lion. Remember I told you guys that I was going to go to the fucking gym. You

remember I said that? Remember that? You remember? Oh my God, Stacy, you remember that? Well, oh, Billy Freckles fucked up this week. I went back to New York City. New York City is fucking an evil twisted place for me as far as I just have too many friends, too many comrades, too many booze bag drinking buddies. I fucking drank like Dean fucking Martin all fucking week. I went to the gym once. I played pickup hockey twice. So that's kind of like doing some cardio. I guess I walked to the subway and went up and down the stairs. Other than that, other than that, it was an absolute, it was a shit show. I put on a display. I put on a display of fucking drinking this past week. I'm surprised that like, you know, maker's mark is not sending

me like some sort of trophy with their bottle on top of it. All right. Oh, Jesus. Oh, what did I? What the fuck was I doing? You know what? You know what? New York, it's weird. It's like you walk around so it's good, you know, about staying in shape. But like the shit's open all fucking night. Not everything, by the way, because I remember back in the day when I was a kid, and they were like, it's the city that never sleeps. It's open 24 hours. I used to think that meant like banks, hardware stores, like everything was open. It isn't. All right. Everything closes at a normal fucking time like everything else, except for the places where you can really get in trouble, like bars and fucking late night places to eat, just every fucking dumb ass

thing that you could possibly do to wake up the next morning looking like you're in your first trimester. That's what I did. Coming home fucking hammered, right? That's another thing too, because there's taxis all over the place. You don't have to even consider, Hey, wait a minute, I have to drive. You know, I don't have to drive. I don't have to do anything. I have like fucking 100,000 designated drivers out there, my friend, my friend, waiting to take me home. And because I'm a white man, even if I'm just going to walk home, they're still pulling over. Hey, my friend, my friend, right? It's the kind of privilege I have being the blue-eyed devil, right? I can't even walk off the fucking pounce. That's a form of terrorism right there. When you see a white guy that you

know needs to walk off the booze and you fucking pull over and I'm not even asking for a ride and you still try to get me to get in your cab because you hate my country's foreign policy. Right there, you're like, my friend, my friend, get in my cab. You have heart attack when you're 50. God is great, right? How fucking hacky was that? That was like me doing a version of every stand-up comics, I guess, Indian accent. What do you expect? I got to do one of these every fucking week. I got to workshop some shit. Give me some hacky shit on here. What the fuck are you doing? Sending a desk with your little pen and pencil set that your mom and dad got you because they were so proud of you. Oh, we're still proud of you. Here's a pen and pencil set and a stapler.

You know what? Fuck your office supplies. What do you think about that? Fuck you. Look at your desk. Tell me right now, you're not sitting at your desk and you just don't have the urge to fucking put your fucking arm down on one side of it and just clear it right off like Denzel Washington when he's in a movie and the dialogue isn't up to his acting level. So he's got to start slapping cups of water out of people's hands just to make it seem compelling. Huh? You know what's fucked up about Denzel and Samuel Jackson? Two of the great fucking actors of whatever, what do you say, last 20, 30 years, right? They keep sticking them in those like the blank movies, right? The negotiator, the fucking freelancer, the architect, whatever the

fuck, it's always the something. Geez, can you get him a fucking script? Well, you know what? Can you guys stop stealing movies so the $50 million budget movie comes back? Your cunts instead of everything being a hundred million dollar robots, you know, with the umbilical cords, the aliens, whatever the fuck goes on in there, right? It's either that or talking apes or what do you have? You got you got an independent movie for fucking 800 grand, which, you know, is going to be a bunch of awkward fucking nerds, you know, with their fucking glasses and their fucking hoodies. Anyways, anyways, what are you going to do? Let's let's just plow it. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying here. All I'm telling you is that, you know, last week

after me talking all this shit that I should go, you know, go step on the scale and see what the damage is. I have to do that after this podcast. I swear to God, if I'm back up over 180, you might, you might, you know, if you listen, if you listen intently, you might hear me, you might hear me weeping. Oh man, I'm fucking off the rails, but it starts today. No, it doesn't start today. It doesn't start today, you know, because I was out of town. And, you know, my wife's been super busy and, you know, there's nothing in the fridge. My truck is getting fixed. I don't have a vehicle. And you know what I got up to? You don't have upstairs in the fridge. I have weak old lunch meat and I have some fucking guacamole because my wife saves all takeout. She just sticks it in

there and she, I mean, every fucking little thing. It's insane. She's like a hoarder of leftovers, like little fucking every packet of sauce. Anytime we order sushi, she sticks all those fucking packets in there, like, you know, God forbid someday a fucking mackerel falls through our ceiling. We got to eat the whole thing. We'll have enough soy sauce, right? Those things, old chopsticks, little tins of sour cream, you know, those little things that are fucking balsamic vinaigrette. And then once every, every three months, I got to be the bad guy. I got to be the guy that goes in there and listen, everybody, you know, like I'm kicking some bum out that was supposed to get an apartment. Come on, guys, you got to go.

All right, get up off the couch. You two guacamole, you're out. Gosh, you look like a container of shit. That's what I have upstairs. I have a container of brown guacamole. I already threw it out. You know what I mean? I'm fucked. I got one can of dog food. I don't know what she did this weekend, you know, but you can't give them shit. You give them shit and then what? They get mad at you. They get mad at you. They get mad at you when they didn't do the broad job of keeping the fucking refrigerator stocked. That is a woman's job. Go fuck yourself. I don't care if you have hair under your armpits or not. That's a fucking woman's job. The same way my job is I got to take the fucking trash out to the curb. There's certain things

that were and always will be a man or a woman job around the fucking house. And I just feel, you know, keeping the fucking refrigerator stocked, you know, for your hero, for your inspiration, for the man in your life. I don't think that that's asking too fucking much. Is it? I don't think it is. Oh, Jesus Christ. Whatever. I had a fucking bowl of cinnamon life this morning. One of my fucking eight years old. Those are my options. You know, I would have had the oatmeal, but there's no banana. I got to have a banana with the fucking oatmeal. You know, you know this about me. Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, why even why even get involved in the fucking argument bill? How long have you been with? You know better. Don't take the bait. Just fucking sit there and be like, oh,

oh, is there nothing in the fridge? Oh, that's great. Thank you, sweetheart. You have a good day. Bye bye. Hey, Cleo, you want to, you want to split a fucking can of dog food? You must remember this. You must remember this. A kiss is just a kiss. I came home. Anyways, I want to first of all, before I do any more babbling here in the podcast, I want to thank everybody over at Madison Square Garden this week for asking me to come over and do the Garden of Dreams. The Garden of Dreams benefit this week. I could not have had a better time. I went to a rangers game. I went to a Celtics game. You know, we played pick up hockey. If you listen to the Thursday podcast, we played pick up hockey at Madison Square Garden. You know, unbelievable. The hardest thing I had when I

was there at Madison Square Garden skating on the ice. The only thing harder than trying to keep my heart rate, my heart literally from jumping out of my chest. The only thing harder was trying to find a championship banner hanging from the rafters. They got all kinds of banners up there. They got banners up there for like division championships. I mean, it's a sad thing. It's such a wonderful arena. Ah, come on, as a Boston fan, you know I had to break a little bit of balls, but it was it was tremendous and we couldn't add a better time. And I have the puffy booze face to prove it. I had a great fucking time. And now I'm back. And believe me, when I told you the smoing that I rolled out of bed, hey, let me tell you I rolled out of bed, you know, I'll tell you

last week had a rough one. Anyways, so I come home last night and I got home late and I'm back out here in LA and me and the wife watched that Scientology movie on on HBO. And you definitely should check it out. All right. But if you if you don't sit down before you even watch the first second of it and say to yourself that they could literally do the exact same documentary on every fucking religion on this planet, then you probably shouldn't watch it because you're going to be one of those people that watches the Scientology video and be like, dude, these people are fucked. It's all fucked. It's everything that they're doing was I can't speak for religion. My religion did. Times is zillion. As far as I know, Scientology for as abusive as they're they're claiming that

they've been they never killed anybody. You know, they didn't go around fucking children like my fucking organization. I don't have one rock to rock. I don't have one rock to throw. But I will tell you, man, they it was it was just more of the same. I watched it more like not just looking at it like this is Scientology. This is what the fuck it is. I looked at it more like just like human beings. And this is what happens when somebody is allowed to slide into the Jesus position. Muhammad, whatever you want to call it, when they slide in there, who's who's the Jewish guy? Who's that? Who's that Jesus? Was it some guy named? Is it? I can't. That's too hacky. I'll say some guy named Murray. Abraham. Is that that guy? I don't fucking know. I have no idea.

They all sound the same to me. There was nothing, nothing was going on. And then this guy showed up. He did a bunch of great shit. And now he's the guy. Give us your money. But I don't boo boo boo. Is it okay if she blows me? Anyways, plowing ahead here. You should definitely highly recommend that you check that out. And I don't know, I felt bad for Tom Cruise. They made him look like a sucker. You know what I mean? Especially, you know, anytime, you know, you slow down the video and you put weirdo music in there, you're going to make somebody look bad. And yeah, I don't know the fuck. I mean, when I sit there and I think of the shit that I bought into going into a goddamn booth and telling some fucking weirdo all the bad things I did that week.

What is that all about? Huh? Bless me, Father. I have sinned here. It's been seven days since my last fucking confession. I jerked off. I beat up my brother. I fucking stole. It's just like and this guy's just sitting in there. What the fuck are you doing in there? You weirdo listen to all this shit. I got to go there and confess to you, you cunt. Why can't I just go right go direct route? What have I got to connect in fucking Dallas talking to you? Why can't I just fucking go straight there? No direct flight to God there, buddy. What are you doing in there? What's going on the other side of the wall there? What are you doing, you weirdo? Are you filming this shit in case I want to run for office someday or fucking call you

out for banging a kid? You got all this weird footage on me? I don't know. All of it is fucking weird. I think everyone I think everybody should just walk away from all of that's what I that would be my suggestion. You don't have to but if it works for you, fine. Unless you become a cunt. Oh Jesus, but why do you try to make points? Why do they never go anywhere? Do they go anywhere? I don't think they do. So anyways, what did I do this week? Jesus am I running out of shit to say already? It's already 15 minutes in. I think I got to fucking read some ads just to keep it going. So I told you guys my truck, I don't know. I cooked the valves on it, man. I fucking so pissed at myself. So they're they're rebuilding the whole thing. The whole engine

brand new. I can use unleaded gas that won't fuck the thing up and it should be done sometime this week. I actually adding air conditioning and I'm getting the power steering. And that's just going to be my fucking daily driver. And I kept the three on the tree because it was just too fucking cool. This guy who's building is going like, dude, we can fucking get this thing cruising at about 100 miles an hour. It's just like, I don't want to do that. It's too fucking cool to shift it on the column. You know, I think it's too fucking cool to to get rid of that. So basically, I'm going to have a badass fucking truck here in a couple of days, which would be nice because then maybe I could fucking, you know, throw Cleo in there. I could go down the street and I could

maybe put something in the refrigerator or maybe I could eat something. Oh, let me tell my wife, you know, she doesn't I got a wife, you know, she doesn't she doesn't start the refrigerator. Why just the other day? Anyways, let's let's let's read a little bit of advertising for the week. I swear to God, I know I must have saw something the head of it. You know what I just had a fucking tremendous week. I don't know what to tell you. I enjoyed myself all week. I did the I did the benefit for Verzi's brother-in-law. And I actually had a great time up there at Levity Live, which is a fucking unbelievable comedy club, by the way. I had always heard that was one of the best in the country and it definitely lived up to it. And I'm trying to figure out a

way where I can get back there at some point. Terry Town played the Terry Town Music Hall, which was the last second gig. And it was fun, man. I'm back. You know, we got the we got the cartoons all recorded. We got all the records are done. And now they're drawn the shit. And we're just I don't know my schedules totally opened up now and I can get back to being a stand up comic and I can't fucking wait. Can't wait for the Southern tour. And Oh, Billy's fucking cigar face still is not at a cigar. All right. I'm all coming up on like five weeks. Remember when I told you guys I was gonna be that guy who smoked a cigar once a week. That's what I was trying to do. I was trying to cut down my cigar smoking to a mere 52 cigars a year, which is still way too much.

So after fucking January and February, I was already up to 12 cigars, eight weeks, 12 cigars, I'm off the fucking rails already. So I didn't smoke anything in March. We're already up to the 12th week. So now I feel like I'm even. But I told Verzi and those guys that I wasn't going to I wasn't going to smoke until the the bus tour. And then I was gonna smoke. But I got to be honest with you, I might not even smoke on that one. I might just wait till my birthday because I figured my birthday is in June. And then what if I'm still on 12 cigars now I'm down to like two a month, which seems way more fucking acceptable. Then I don't know, I had my fun with it. If it didn't give you a mouth throat and fucking God knows what else,

other kind of tongue cancer, I would, I would probably smoke for a week. That's how much I enjoy him. But I just, I don't know. I don't know, seeing Leonard Nimoy die and saying he regretted smoking and he was like 83, 84, 85 years old, and you're still thinking, fuck, if I didn't do that, you know, speaking young people, you look at 80, dude, I'd be fucking happy with 80. Yeah, until you're fucking 80. And you're staring death in the face and you're like, fuck, you know, I wish I just drank waters and fucking was a vegetarian or whatever the fuck you're thinking. So the fact that he was still thinking, he would think if you smoked and you still made it to 83, 80, 45, whatever the fuck it was, 83, 845, you'd be like, yeah, whatever,

I had a good run. That's what you think until you're that person laying in the bed, right, wearing that smock with your ass hanging out of it. And you're like, wow, this is it. This is it. I'm not going to get to watch any more hoop anymore, hockey. I'm not going to get to walk down the street, listen to the birds chirping. This is fucking it. It's over. And it's over sooner than it should have been because I fucking can't get it out of my head. So I don't know. I think I'm done. No, who's kidding? Who? I'm not done. But I mean, I am. I don't know. I don't want to pick it back up again, because I you know what the fuck happens, right? You're trying to eat, right? Just like I was I go to New York and I have one slice of pizza and all of a sudden I'm

eating like some fucking fat guy on prom night who didn't have a date because it was pathetic. I'm ashamed of myself. You guys want to be fat shame myself? Go walking to the bathroom mirror. You want to hear this? I'm going to do it right now. I'm going to show you what fat shaming is all about. Right here. This is what it is, right? All right, let's see it, Bill. Let's see the tears. Look at that. You're a piece of shit. No, I'm a lot of you. I have to stop because my neighbors will think I'm actually yelling at my wife. So that's it. Fortunately, I got my pull up by my dip station out in the garage. I'll do that. Oh, my body literally just reacted when I said that. You know what? Go

I want my pizza. See that? I got the grease in me right now. I got the crack. I'm on the crack right now. That's what I did in a food way. You know, I was craving salads. I was craving fucking healthy food. One slice of pizza and a couple of fucking beer. You know what? We went off the rails. It was right after we skated, right? You know, fucking exhaust. It totally wiped out and we were going to, we were going to, I'm sorry, we were going to the Rangers Kings game that night. So we went to a bar and ordered an appetizer and I ordered this fucking beer. There's nothing better after you played hockey and you really feel like you earned the fact that you could actually sit down and have a beer because you burned so many calories and easily the best beer I've had in

like six months was fucking delicious. And I remember sitting there and I was eating shit already that wasn't healthy and this switch just went like in my body. I literally felt it like, Oh, are we doing this? Huh? Is it like, you know, it was like substitute teacher. Like is the douche gone now? We can go back to boozing and eating greasy fucking food. I bought ice cream this week. I haven't had fucking ice cream. I can't remember the last time I even fucking had ice cream. Stupid ass fucking New York walking home hammered stumble into a deli. Oh, we got bacon, egg and cheese at a roll. How you doing? I ain't fucking next thing. You know, I got that. I bought Fritos and then I bought a pint of fucking cookies and cream ice cream. Right? What am I on my period?

Fucking go back to the thing. Wolf it down. I went easy on the ice cream, but I just was fucking over sitting there eating like I'm at fucking seventh grade in cafeteria. All right, let's let's get on with the Oh, by the way, somebody gave me something when when I was playing hockey one day. I've never heard of this is called junk bomb. Bomb like like a roll on and it's literally deodorant for your balls. Is that not the funniest fucking thing ever? And the guy's given it to me and he's going, what, you know, he's like, if you know, if you played hockey, you don't have time to take a shower. You just put this on your balls. Like what the fuck? Are you serious? I swear to God, this is a real thing. So I'm laughing and I'm like, well, shit, if you got Sherry's berries,

you know, if we got fucking one wipe Charlie's, how do you not have junk? I mean, I gotta have junk bomb on the podcast. If any of those guys are listening, it would fit right in. Hey guys, don't have time to take a shower. Jesus, dude, if you don't, if you're fucking balls are smelling to the point that you smell them, I mean, Jesus, and you don't have fucking time to take a shower. Yeah, I gotta make time. Hey, honey, I'm going to be a little late. Trust me, you're going to thank me later. All right, here we go. Anyways, we're out with 29 minutes and I'll take a couple more bullshit stories. Then we'll get into the questions for the week. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't that be a nice thing? What's going on in the world? What about that fucking jerk off that flies the fucking

plane into the Alps? I mean, I mean, are you depressed to that fucking level? It's one of the worst goddamn things. Why the fuck would I bring that up? You know what I mean? Fuck that one. There was a couple of there was a couple of those couple of aviation things this week, you know, up in Canada, they came in too fucking low, I guess, and they they don't really hit some sort of tower or some shit. Jesus Christ, that's I fly all the fucking time and that shit is absolutely terrifying. I just can't imagine what kind of level of fucking depression you have. I get it, you know, it's bad enough you'd go out and you'd harm yourself. You'd never want to see that. But you're going to take out all those other goddamn people, man. It's just the worst

fucking story ever. And there's you know what, and there's absolutely no comedy in it. And now here we sit. I'll tell you what, there was no comedy in it. Oh, here's a segue. Somebody sent me this picture. This is the saddest fucking pictures I ever seen. It was of a seal that was born like a redhead. And all the entire seal community just rejected this seal. And they take this fucking picture of this seal. And it's all by itself and looking way off in the distance or all the other seals that it just wants to hang out and play with, you know, and learn how to fucking fish and not get eaten by a shark or whatever. And they just totally leave it alone. It's unbelievable. This is just like we're fucking animals. Same thing. Same fucking treatment I got

on the goddamn playground. It's happening to a fucking seal. I saw that seal. And you know what kills me? It's the people that like take pictures of it and don't interfere in nature. It's like, would it kill you to take that thing home with you? Just get one of those above ground pools. You know, let the fucking thing hang out a couple of times a year. It comes in for the Super Bowl, you know, come up on the couch there, redheaded seal. I feel your pain. I have empathy. Who do you got? Don't fucking say Seattle, you're going to be back outside. It's one of the saddest fucking pictures I've ever seen. I can't get it out of my head. It just it fucking killed me. Fucking kill me. It's unreal. It's unreal the human things that I can laugh at, but you show me a

fucking sad animal. And it crushes me. It's why I stopped watching the Discovery Channel like a decade ago. I don't watch any fucking nature shows because I know how it's going to start. It's going to start with me being all wide eyed and excited and enjoying the program. And then there's the inevitable and then man came and fucked everything up. I don't know if it's going to fuck everything up. I'll tell you right now, if you work for a fucking corporation, I mean, can you, can you slowly work your way out and not working for one? Is it even possible? I was watching, did you guys see that clip? I retweeted it. Somebody sent it to me of, you know, they're doing that fracking out in Nebraska, horizontal drill and whatever

the fuck it is. And however they go about it, people are claiming that it, that it pollutes the fucking drinking water. So this farmer comes in, he talks about all the great drinking water that they have in Nebraska. And then he pours in the goop. He's sitting there at this town meeting and he's allowed to talk. So he asked these cunts that work for the fracking company said, Hey, would you, would you drink this water? I just want you to answer me that. Would you drink this water? And then the fucking chairman of the board goes, you're not allowed to ask them questions. All you're allowed to do is come up and make comments. It's like, well, then what the fuck are we doing here?

Well, this is, you're supposed to let me just say what I have to say. And then I run along and then you fucking let these guys destroy the drinking water in this state because you don't make any fucking money as a politician. I'm fucking, it's, it's, I don't know. I watch that thing and I got to commend that, that, that Nebraska guy for fucking not flipping out. Oh, you know, I'm just allowed to make comments. Well, here's my comment. At least go and dump it over their fucking heads. What kind of fucking people are involved in a goddamn business like that that ends up polluting the fucking drinking water? And you're so thinking about all you give a fuck is your next quarter profits. Like, where is that all going to go? Like, where, where does,

what's the end game in that? You just keep having a more profitable thing than there's no more clean drinking water. And then what you've made enough money to have the machine to fucking have make sure you have clean drinking water and everybody else fucking dies and you somehow justify it, is you lie in your giant fucking bed. Oh, I'm on a raid here. It's so fucking depressing. I mean, that's why I sit around, I watch sports, I watch people build cars. Those are like the two fucking areas that I can kind of stay in where I can kind of, I don't know. Nobody says anything racist. Nobody pollutes drinking water and there's not a redheaded seal who just wants to be part of the fucking group. Just sitting there looking all sad. The thing was a fucking baby. She had a baby,

man. And they just, they fucking hard fuck seals. You know what? Fuck all those fucking seals. I'm glad they get eaten by those goddamn sharks. I used to give a shit about seals. Now that I know that they're fucking racist. Bunch of cunts. You know what it is too? I bet there was some seals down there that didn't give a fuck. They just went along with the group and sat there silently, right? Is the one bully seal? Oh, Jesus, Bill, is this about the seals or your fucking childhood? All right. All right, let's get to the, let's get to the goddamn questions for the week. That always kills me when they do. They can do that. Just don't interfere with nature. And you're just going to sit there and look at that sad shit. All right, if you, by the way,

if you want to follow us on Twitter here, the podcast Twitter handle is at the MM podcast and the and the podcast email is bill at the MM podcast.com. Once again, that number is bill at the MM podcast.com. All right, that's if you want to send an email, you know, I just realized too, is my internet sucks in this house. I don't have a car right now. I got my crazy pit bull so I can't even drive down to the local fucking coffee shop to use their internet to upload this fucking thing. So hopefully, what the fuck are you going to do? What if it's fucking late? It's late. What am I going to do? All right. Oh, by the way, I got a big guest this

week. Oh, let me tell you got a big guest for the Thursday. Just checking in with your fucking podcast, whatever the hell I'm calling it, but it's actually going to go down on Friday. But you'll be happy. You will be happy when you hear the guest. I got a big guest. He is the star of my favorite new show. Do you know what the show is? Huh? Post apocalyptic show. Former SNL cast member. Action hero. You know who he is. He's going to be on this Friday. All right. Here we go. That's called a teaser. Um, warehouse listeners. Bill, I'm 19 and I work in a warehouse part-time. Oh my god, the most fun job you'll ever fucking have. I was 19 when I worked in a warehouse and I worked there

part-time. It's fucking greatest. He said, I've introduced your podcast to the guys there and we listen to it regularly. You've come full circle. Oh, is that? Oh, that was just the thing. Well, that's cool. What are you guys been doing? Huh? Fucking off there in the warehouse and all of a sudden somebody with a tie comes on. He's like, who's that? You start acting like you're fucking moving boxes around. I really miss that fucking job. You know, the way I travel, you know, back in the day when I worked in a warehouse, my commute to work was a little over a mile. Like we lived in like the last neighborhood before there was this industrial park. Um, like if I rode a bicycle to work, it probably took me 15 minutes and there was weeks where I

would put like, you know, I'd go to work and then I would drive home and then I would work out, listen to appetite for destruction. I'd lift weights throughout that whole fucking album and then I'd jump on a bike by my bicycle and I do like a fucking 10 mile bike ride. And then by then, you know, it was like seven o'clock or so and the Bruins or Celtics or wherever I had a game and I was in for the night and I would do that right up until Friday. So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I probably put like 12 miles on my truck. I had this 83 Ford Ranger that I bought. I remember we had 19,317 miles and I remember I owned that fucking thing for forever. I drove that truck for fucking 10 years, even after it started rusting out from all the New England

winters. But I remember like I put on so few, few miles until I became a comedian and then I went through the roof and then I remember the engine shit the bed and that was a critical moment in my life. I had a day job and everyone was saying I should go out and go buy a new car and um, I just kept thinking that if I buy a new car, then I got payments, then I need to have a job. So I said, fuck it. And I just had to put a new engine in it. I told you this story. I remember that girl, that woman at work was like, that was stupid. That was stupid. Really? I don't have a fucking car payment. Hey, guess what? I'm quitting my day job to move to New York City. See you. You know, you know, have fun with your Ultima. Anyway, sorry. All right, fat shaming, counter argument.

All right, dear Billy Ginger balls. This guy's going to counter fat shaming by fucking trashing me. Okay, he sounds like an open guy. All right, I love your podcast and I listen each week. I'm a chubby guy who's working hard to lose some of my xxx weight. I'm down from 240 to 215. There you go. Dude, that's a big change 240 to 215. That is fucking come on, Bill. Do the math. That's 25 pounds. It's 125 miles of capillaries out the fucking window. However, I would argue that despite the name you've given to your discussions, you aren't fat shaming anyone. And that's a good thing. You are more of a coach than a true fat shamer. Dude, I know what I'm doing. I'm not going to depress you. I'm going to get you in that mindset. You know, you're better than that.

When you were a kid, you laid that crib. You did not dream of having mantis. I know how to do it. I know how to give you shit while I fucking uplift you. A fat shamer is a person who looks at an overweight person and says you're worthless. You are a failed person and you can't do anything to fix yourself. Who the fuck says that? You sound like that dude in that drumming movie. You fucking piece of shit. That's why I couldn't get into whiplash. After like the first 20 minutes of that guy getting screamed at, the fact that he didn't have the self-esteem to get up and walk out, it's just like, all right, now I don't give a fuck. It was like gone girl.

You know, if you haven't seen it yet, block your ears for the next fucking 15 seconds. Okay, I'm going to talk about it in three, two, one. The fact that after he found out what the fuck she did and then she comes back and then Tyler Perry is like, you motherfuckers are crazy and walks out and like he stays with her at that point. It's like, you know, I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit if she fucking kills the Ben Affleck character right now because that Ben Affleck character does not seem to give a fuck. That's how I felt with like whiplash. It's like, all right, you know, if you don't have to get yelled at to play drums, well, but if you feel that you do and you want to sit there, then you're a fucking jackass. See, that's what I do. I'm

empowering you to get off the couch and you know how you get off the couch. You don't just don't get off the couch. You got to lift your fucking legs, do a little rollie back into the couch. There we go. Right? That should be your next goal. When you get up off the couch, you just get up off the couch. That's a milestone. That's a marker right there. Well, you don't have to do the onesie, toosie and then fucking get all the way up. Literally sounding like you're doing a squat like that last one of the set. When you get up off the couch, waking the baby, scaring the family dog, you can't be like that. He said, anyways, to me, you're a coach who says you're healthy. You can fix this, but it won't be easy. But it's worth it. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I really think that so much of staying in shape is being conscious of craving something that you know is going to make you feel like shit afterwards and hate yourself from the morning when your belly sticking out even more like last night. I'm coming home from the airport and I am on the crack. All right, pizza, ice cream, potato chips, beer, whiskey, the whole fucking week and I'm coming home. What do you think I'm craving? You think I'm craving a fucking salad? No. What is the thing I need the most? A fucking giant salad that will go into me. It'll be nutrition with a bunch of fucking cancerous poison on every leaf that I try to rinse off, but I'm doing the best I can. Whatever it will do, it will level me off chemically.

And I don't even have a fucking science background, but I know it's going to, it's like, you know, it's like you're in a ship that's rocking. You're getting into to stable water, calm seas, and you can make an intelligent choice. All right. So last night, what I should have done is I knew it. I was saying you should order, I literally have heartburn. I should go, you should order a fucking salad. That's what you should do. And I was conscious enough to think that and I still went inside and I went and I made myself waffles with fucking butter and syrup and all that. And, you know, this morning I wake up and, you know, because I ate that last night, I'm looking at oatmeal and then I'm looking at cinnamon life. And what do I do?

More heroin, more heroin. And I go with that. So I'm, but at least I'm aware of it. So right now, I have like critically right now, like what I decide to eat right now for lunch can literally inform the next three months of decisions. If I'm not careful and I can put on 10 to 15 pounds, just because last night I didn't order a fucking salad. And then where are you? Then you fucking back at the gym because you, not because you want to be, because you have to be, and you got that big fucking lump of shit you got to, you got to take off from your middle. Like you eat your way in and you eat your way out of the gym. So I have to today make a fucking smart choice. And I got to get, I got to get back on the stick. So congratulations to you going from

240 down to 215, whatever you're doing. Hope it works. And I hope you're reading up on nutrition. I hope you're not doing one of those fad diets. You know, any of those beach diets or any of those, you know, I'm cutting out carbs. I'm never having bread again, you know, that type of shit. Because you know, eventually one day you're just going to sit down with an entire, you're going to have one loaf of bread in one hand and a stick of butter in the other with some ice cream waiting in the fridge. If you fucking do that to yourself. I don't know, I've actually, I've actually thought about just writing down like, because everybody, oh, this is my cheat day. Your cheat day can literally like, that'd be like a drug addict. Like, all right, I'm not going to do drugs, but on

Sunday, I'm going to do heroin. And then the next day, it's right back to clean living. Like your cheat day can literally throw you off chemically to the point the next day you're eating fucking waffles like an asshole. But maybe if you write it down, you know, that this is what you're going to have, and then you write a short paragraph, hey, you know, hey, cut face, listen, why don't you eat this for breakfast, rather than fucking up for the next three weeks and putting on 20 pounds? You know, once you this thing too, when you order something healthy, two, three bites into it, like this calm comes over you like, ah, like nutrition. You know what I mean, I read this great thing one time, why you can eat so much Chinese food, or why you can

eat a whole fucking bag of Doritos, even though you've eaten enough to be full, but your body is still craving nutrition. And there's not an ounce of nutrition in that shit. So despite the fact that you took a whole fucking bag of it and threw it down your goddamn piehole, your body's immediately still craving nutrients, vitamins or whatever the fuck it is, whatever the proper terminology is for it. Which is also why if you eat actually, you know, fruits and vegetables, you get you get full. Oh, it's you know, I gotta I have to make sure I eat well. I really do. This isn't even about you guys fucking about me. I'm being selfish right now. Let's get back to more. Let's get back to more fucking emails here for the week, naming food places. All right, hey, Bill,

you recently asked about places to eat as your tour of the great lower half of this country is about to begin. I've been a long time. Listen, and I get your no name policy when it comes to telling stories that may be incriminating or name dropping. But you said you didn't want to say the names of the restaurants out of fear that it would ruin the place by creating some type of mom seed, and the food will go downhill and it'll get franchised or something. Bill, come on now. You're basically repaying them for their hard work, possibly generations of hard work by walking out by walking out and disavowing all knowledge of the place the way the US government handled Vietnam. Jesus, or more specifically, John Rambo and Rambo too. On behalf of all these

establishments, I'd like to thank you for being for helping protect them from increased revenue and supporting a health healthy sense of pride in a life's work. Also, I'd like to thank you on behalf of people like myself who occasionally travel who would much rather just walk around and play guessing games about where to eat. It's much more fun playing, will this suck roulette? We'd much rather trust Yelp reviews that are probably real people and not paid reviewers or family members hyping some shit establishment circa 2011. A real man of the people, this Bill Burr, get him a key to all the cities. Sci-fi Billy Skywalker. You know what, dude? You had me until you fucking glorified all the cunts on Yelp. Yelp, I swear to God, is like, if you want to see what

happens to somebody when they get their own TV show and how most people's egos go through the fucking roof, all you have to do is just look at the common man on Yelp. Everything was good, but they didn't like the sugar packets. These fucking animals, have you seen the average jerk off that walks down the fucking street, breathing through their mouth wearing socks and fucking flip flops? Those fucking assholes who obviously have no power in their life, they go on Yelp and their fucking ego goes off the fucking rails. Here's something, what do you think happened back in the day when people went to town before Yelp? And I don't mean the 1950s, I'm talking about the fucking 1980s, the 1990s. You know what? You struck up a conversation with the locals. You

said, hey, I'm in town. I'm having a really good time. I'd like to get some food. You know of a good place? There's nothing a local wants to do more than to point you to the place that is the shit in their town. And you go in there, and you sit down, and you have a fucking unbelievable meal, and then you go back and you tell your friends, hey, if you ever go there, you got to go to this spot. The fact that it has to blow up like some fucking boy band, and now nobody can get a goddamn seat in there, give me a fucking break. I stand by what I'm doing. And you know why? I get applause when I say that. I went to a country recently, I said, this place is so fucking beautiful that when I go back to my country, I'm not going to talk about it. So, you know, I'll keep your

secret. You know what they all did? I got a borderline standing ovation. All right? Everything doesn't need to blow up. All right? I don't need to turn every fucking restaurant into fucking Kim Kardashian's greased up ass on the yo, it broke the internet. Dumbest fucking thing ever broke the internet. And then every fucking douche that's out there taking selfies has to somehow squeeze broke the internet into their fucking conversation. I fucking hate that. I hate internet terminology. I hate the joke structure, you know, the said no one ever or the, you know, now it's like you have like a picture and you're like, that look on your face when your boss says you don't have to come in Friday, that fucking, you know, insert picture here. So you don't even

have to be like a joke writer. So do with all due respect with your waving of the fucking American flag. All right. Here's the deal. If you get in the fucking job done. All right. If you get in the fucking job done and everybody in the local town knows you the shit, you're going to stay in business. You don't need me to fucking hype you thing and then ruin it like the food network does. And speaking of which to that fucking guy there with his bleach blonde hair and his sunburn face guy Fieri driving all around. I'm telling you that fucking guy, I've gone to some of the places he's they hit a miss. They hit a miss. That guy's been on the air for like 10 years. He's out of places to go to not to mention he never goes to drive in. He occasionally goes into diners. He

never goes into a dive. They're basically diners, but he needed the magic of three. Um, anyways, so no, I'm not doing that. Okay. If you know how to make a fucking brisket, the goddamn word is going to be out. All right. The word's going to get out. You don't need me to do it and ruin ruin the fucking place. Jesus Christ. Yelp. What kind of a fucking moron goes on to Yelp and just takes all these fucking people. You have no idea what their fucking access to grind. I think that there's like a certain level of cunt that you have to be to even post a review on Yelp. Not to mention there's so many cunts on Yelp that this restaurant said I've sat in and I said, Hey, I really enjoyed that. That was delicious. And they go,

thank you. Can you please go on Yelp and write a good review? Cause there's just so many people who are like, no, I'm really such an expert. I have a little bit of power now and I'm going to fucking furrow my brow. Have you noticed that shit? All you need to know about Yelp is just look at actual critics that get paid to be critics. When was the last time you saw him review any fucking movie, any fucking movie at all in wire to wire. They said that they enjoyed it. They never do. They always have to be cunty. They always have to pick out something that they didn't fucking like. All right. And then what else? Then you'll see the worst fucking movie ever and they have quotes going outrageous, hilarious, a laugh riot. And all that is is critics that

want to get paid. So they got to get their name out there. So then they'll fucking lie to you and say that some piece of shit is actually good. So fuck you, fuck Yelp and fuck Rambo too. All right, I'm not I'm not out in those places. All right, there we go. I don't know about fuck Rambo too. Okay, check out Dark City. Oh, hey, Billy sci fi Billy Skywalker. All right, I thought that was somebody signing that. What the fuck is with all these guys? Oh Jesus, see it's here we go. It's starting. It's starting. Oh, what should I did you see my email? Did you check out the hotel options? sci fi Billy Skywalker? Check out Dark City. I asked last week, you know, I really enjoyed moon with Sam Rockwell. And I didn't realize the director was David Bowie's son,

which of course I don't have his fucking name here right now. I'm the worst. So I said, what are some other sci fi movies? I'd love to check them out. And somebody says, Billy Skywalker, check out Dark City. It's not action packed. But like moon, you got to see it. It's shot beautifully intense as fuck. It's on HBO right now. Don't delay. Also, if you haven't seen Blade Runner recently, give it a rewatch. Your fellow pilot Harrison Ford delivers a really underrated performance. Make sure you watch the director's cut. It's the only way it'll make sense. Oh, wow, I got to fucking. I got to check that out. Oh, my God, what is this? This seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Listen to this one kitten for Cleo. Bill, have you ever thought of

getting a kitten to help calm Cleo down? I can't imagine Cleo having a problem with it. Oh, I can. Oh, I can't. I imagine it'd be possible for Cleo to eventually become protective of the kitten, which would could turn into making things worse. So why would I do that? I'll let you do the research. But if you had to imagine how it played out, what do you think would happen? I think my dog would eat the cat. I think she would view it as a threat because she's possessive and I think I would come home and the dog would be wagging its tail with fur around its mouth and blood on its chin. And I would find maybe a kitten, it'd probably be swallowed whole, but they might be a fucking paw in my kitchen or something else horrific that I'd have to try and

block out. I remember when they taught that gorilla how to do sign language, they got that thing, a pet cat. I don't know, a kitten. I'm not, I'm not a big fan of cats. I totally respect them, how they live their lives and their anti authority and like, you know, the same way you couldn't put me on a leash, you can't put them on a leash, although I know a few people have done it, but whatever, I'm just saying generally speaking. The only thing I like about cats, I like watching them sleep in the sun reminds me to take an old man nap every day. And then I also like how easy it is to discipline them. You know, all you do is just give them a nice little smack on that little fucking nose and then they get it, you know? No, I'm kidding. All you have to

do is just have the spray water bottle, right? And they're still going to go up in the couch, but it's just fun to fucking shoot something that doesn't die and you get to feel that cool feeling of shooting something. You know, I don't know, is that evil? I'll go fuck yourself. What do you want from me? All right. Let me, let me read the last little bit of advertising. I'll tell you a cute story and then that's going to be a fucking good thing.