Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-31-16

Episode Date: April 1, 2016

Bill rambles about morning radio, playoff hockey and murdering bankers.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I'm just checking it on you. What's going on? I'm actually doing this podcast. I'm in the middle of a radio tour right now and I have a 15-minute break and I'm on my way to the fucking airport after that and I have to buy Clio Dio. I've got to buy her some dog food. You know, so my wife has something to feed you. Isn't that right, buddy? All right, get out of here. Go lay down, cutie. So I got a full day, so I'm trying to knock out 15 minutes before I go back to doing the radio tour, which is why I sound like I'm already off and running as opposed to my, I guess I'm never chilled

or laid back. So I've been doing morning radio to height my St. Louis and Kansas City dates that are coming up and then also I got this Canadian tour that I'm doing. So I just been on the fucking radio all day and everybody just, you know, I thought more Canadian fucking DJs were going to bust my balls about the Bruins. I guess you can't, you know, considering not one Canadian team is going to make the fucking playoffs, which is playoff, which is insane. Not one of them. Clio, can you believe it? Not the fucking blue, blanque douches, not Ottawa, not Toronto, Toronto, Toronto, not the fucking the Calgary flames, the Edmundon oil is the Vancouver Canucks or the Winnipeg jets. You know, I don't think

that's good for hockey. I mean, it's a funny thing to bring up as an American when I go up there and believe me, it will be brought up. No, I'm not going to rub your faces in it. How could I? My goddamn Bruins. You know, we're a three seat. Now we're like, we've launched six of the last seven. Fucking unbelievable. Thank God for Toronto. Gotta love Toronto. Most generous fucking team out there. They're always there to pick you up off the mat, aren't they? That's the only team we beat. Fucking lost to everybody. Rangers, Panthers, San Jose, Anaheim, the Kings, and then we just fucking lost two to one hat breaker to the fucking devils. Not like we're playing bad. I still think we're going to get in there. You know

what I mean? I just want us to make the playoffs so fucking click bait. Dan Shaughnessy doesn't start writing his dumb ass fucking articles about how they need to do something. It's so being a coach is so fucked up because you got to deal with the Dan Shaughnessy's of the world. How unathletic does that guy look? You know what I mean? He doesn't even look like he plays chess either. He just looks like a dope. Let's say and I don't, but I've never just seen that fucking guy should be run out of Boston. He's whole fucking thing. He lives for the moment when the home team isn't doing well. That's his whole fucking thing. I never forget that when the fucking I think it was when the Red Sox won the World

Series. Finally, he was like, I don't even know how to write this article. Of course you don't, you negative cunt. I bet if a fucking plane crashed into the stadium and killed the whole fucking home team, that article would be a breeze as you're pretending to be sad. Oh, that guy drives me nuts. Drives me nuts. He should be writing for a New York newspaper. He shits on fucking Boston team so much. Um, so anyways, anyways, where the fuck am I? Cleo, for the love of God, are you allergic to your bed? It's all you do is itch now. Huh? Look at that face, that face, that stupid. My dog has such a classic pooch face. It's ridiculous. Is that what they call you Cleo? Was that your nickname

in high school? Old pooch face. Can you get over there and lay down and stop looking at me like I didn't take you out? Well, I didn't take it out. I let you down the stairs, but I also fed you. Hey, get over there and lay down. Go on. Fucking thing doesn't even listen to me anymore. Go on. I shouldn't be yelling at my dog. My dog's a senior now. She's eight and a half years old, so she's officially a senior. So when I go and buy dog food, I got to buy, you know, I got to buy the advanced age shit, you know, the same stuff they're feeding your fucking Nana and your granddad or whatever the fuck, you know, put them in a fucking home. That's the worst. That's the fucking worst, man, at least according to

every fucking movie or news report you see, it's just like, this is a wonderful facility. They're going to be listening to Mitch Miller the entire time they're here. All of our facilities are top notch. They're going to be getting wonderful food. They are in great care. You can visit them whenever you want, right? And then the fucking second you drive away, you know, you fucking put a hard hat on your grandmother and make her start doing some fucking yard work. Isn't that how it works? Trying to steal her pension or is this just all some Hollywood drama shit? I don't know. Like I said, so I'm going to have to tap out here and then come back and about what a fuck is it in like nine minutes? I'm going to go back out

to the fucking world of morning radio. I literally had one of these guys this morning, Cleo get over there and lay down. You know what's weird about this dog? The thing won't shit unless I take it down the street, which is great. Is that what it is? You got to take a shit. Is that why you stare at me? Is that what you're trying to communicate right now? Huh? Like someone who's still sound of mine, but has lost the ability to speak. This is like a Metallica video. Cleo, do you stop fucking looking at me like that? I'm going to take you down the street. All right, buddy. I'm going to do it. Fucking thing is staring a hole through my head. I just left you outside fucking 10 minutes. Why won't you go? Alright,

this is going to kill me. Okay. All right, whatever. Well, I'm going to be talking to guys when my dog's taking a shit evidently. So anyways, like I'm in these morning fucking radio guys are hilarious. They literally sit there and they go like, they'll just be talking to you. A couple of them are like the classic guys like just to Cleo get over there and lay it out. Go on. Get over there. Get over there. All right. I wish dogs understood. Just give me five minutes. Cleo get the fuck over there. Lay down. I actually know what I think it is. I think she wants to get up on the couch with me. This is fucking hilarious. I have a pit bull in the any sound of wind. Wind freaks her the fuck out. A Sasquatch

could literally come into my house and she'd be like, all right, let's fucking do this. Okay. But if she hears a noise and she can't see where it's coming from, she just freaks the fuck out. Right now I have the heat on. I think that's bugging her. And then all of a sudden she becomes like this. She turns into like a chihuahua. You know, those dogs always look like they're feeding for something like, come on, man, just give me another hit, man. She starts getting that look. She starts like she's not shaking yet. Thank God. But anyways, a couple of these morning DJs with a classic like they just taught like to call you up. You're like, Hey, Bill, how you doing? So and so from Kay, whatever, blah, blah,

blah, blah. Yes. Listen, we're going to be talking here in about about a minute coming out of this commercial. Is there anything in subjects you want me to hit on and thing you want me to steer you towards? Yeah, you know, whatever I'm talking about. Blah, blah, blah. He's like, All right. All right, we'll be on right at the end of this break. And then all of a sudden it just goes like, Hey, it's a wild guy. Bill, Bill, Bill, what's going on? You know, so you just like, dude, what happened to the guy I was just fucking talking to? Drive time is 18. If you have a rough time, we got some laps coming your way. Coming to the

local yuck, yuck, fuck, fuck, bong, we got Bill, blah, blah, what's been on your mind? I almost said it to the guy like, dude, what happened to the guy I was just talking to five minutes ago? Other than that, the rest of them have been fine. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing here. But anyways, I'm getting ready to I'm ready to do this tour here going through Canada. And, you know, I had those big shows last week. So I feel like I'm I've been doing spots around town. I'm fucking ready to go. I'm going to be doing the treadmill. By the way, my home gym, the gym that I'm going to have at home there. They're doing the floor. It's a three day process. Because I got the fucking the what's it called? It's I got the it's called the lava

finish or some shit. I know stupid fucking name, but it looks sick, man. It's fucking. It's going to look shiny and clean exciting and new lifts of weights and become a shredded freckled cunt. He's Bill Burr. He's tired of looking like a sack of mashed potatoes. He's going to do some dips. Walk down the street shirtless and get some poisoning. Yes, everything's coming. So today, all the gym shit is dropping off today, right, which was so fucking funny. Of course, it's the day I'm going to leave. So it's coming UPS. And they're just like, you know, basically, you know, we're going to be there sometime between 3am and 12 midnight. Could you just try to be home? And of course, I'm not going to be here. It's not going to tell the lovely Nia. And I was just like, sweetie, what did you

have planned tomorrow? She's like, well, I was going to go to the show. I was like, cancel it. She got so fucking mad at me. She can't have all the stuff to do. It's like it's one fucking day to have a free gym for the rest of your life. Okay, you're going to get to go out there. You're going to listen. You're going to get to listen to your music, as opposed to the gyms music. Now I know that you can put headphones on, but everybody has those earbuds and the fucking jamming in your ears. And you're basically blowing out your ear drums, giving yourself tinnitus or tetanus, however the fuck you say it. Because you don't want to listen to what's that song? We are soul to soul, right? You know, they play that for some reason, Jim music stopped in the early 90s. That

girl is poison. They don't even play shit like that. They play, I don't want to fall in love. You know, like songs that you go, is that banana ramma? Who the fuck? I remember this song. You start thinking of the chick you were dating at the time. You start thinking about all the fucking, all the time. Oh, who's getting who the chick you wanted to date, but didn't have the balls to. So you hooked up with that fucking monster who's working in customer service, right? Let's be a little more accurate here. Yeah, I don't like, I'm not into that shit. So anyway, so she has the poor things got to be home all day today. You know, with any luck, it's actually between like they said between 1030 or 10 and five or some shit. So hopefully, I'm really hoping that it's

gonna, it's gonna come early. You know what I mean? For the, the amount of pouting that she did about, you know, you know, what's so funny too is whenever somebody says they can't do something, they go, why, why, what are you doing? And then they tell you what they're doing. It's like, yeah, you're not doing shit. You know, because you're so focused on what you want them to do for you. It's just like, yeah, you know, I, I lost my passport and somebody found it's like, do you do that tomorrow? Yeah, I have a dialysis. I don't know if I told you, I have, you know, double kidney failure. So I have to do it. If I don't do the segment of die, you can't put it off the fucking eight hours for me. It's kind of going into that mode. But anyways, Jesus Christ, who the fuck

is I don't even want to look the fuck am I Bruins playing next? This is funny when the Bruins are winning, you know, I'm kind of paying attention, but whenever they're in trouble, that's when I fucking sit down and watch because I'm a real fan. I'm there for during the bad times. That's half the reason why I watched so many games this year. I was just, they go and like, well, they got rid of the whole fucking team. You know, this is going to be a tough year. So all right, I'm going to see, I don't know, I'm a fucking nerd. Like I watch I like watching the rebuilding of a team. So you can be there. I remember when they brought that guy up, dude, I fucking called it. How about the fucking filthy flyers? They own the capitals. Hey,

hey, capital fans, you guys finally going to fucking push through you East Coast San Jose sharks. Are you ever going to make the fucking finals? Can you do that for your goddamn fans? Huh? All right, let's look up the Bruins here scores, news, video stats, standing schedules, players, fucking the teams teams. There we go. Oh, by the way, I've been going on to that French site. I've been figuring shit out. I'm sticking with the dude. I'm like 33, 33 days in here. All right, watch episode 12 during an off day in California. Who the hell is this guy? Frank for Trano and the Bruins rookies explore LA a rough stretch of the ice improves with a win over the Leafs. Well, I don't understand watching these fucking soap operas about your

goddamn teams, you know, behind enemy lines or whatever the fuck they're always doing. What do they do that in the NFL? You know, jock itch? What is something like unnecessary roughness? What do they call it? What is that thing that fucking thing they do on HBO where Rex Ryan's like, Hey, it won't be any fucking team in his fucking league, you know, that he gets fired. Oh, fuck. Our next game is tomorrow night against the St. Louis Blues. And then on Monday, we play the fucking Blackhawks, both of those are away games. Then we have the Hurricanes, then we have the Red Wings, and then we have Ottawa. Fuck. This is fucking unbelievable. Are we are we gonna blow this? Oh, wait, what the fuck was that story about? What we got there? What we go here? Is this some

rookie? Why can't you fast forward your way through the goddamn? I don't want to watch episode 12 of rookie sitting on a fucking beach in LA talking about hockey. I don't give a shit. I thought they were showing me some new prospect that Bruins have God knows we'll bring them up. We could use them ninth annual cuts for a cause. Everybody gets their head shaved. And hopefully at least, you know, half of one half of 1% will actually go to the fucking cause, dude, I'm so down on every goddamn charity now. Every five. I mean, I have to be honest with you, I've done charities my entire fucking career, but I have never seen just the sheer number of chair. Oh, there it is. Hey, Bill, you want to talk about comedy? All right, I gotta call you back.

I'll talk to you in a minute. All right, I'm back. Just knocked out another two and I am done probably talk politics too much on that last one. Everybody wants to talk politics. I gotta tell you, Bill, you know, with all the stuff that's going on in politics, it's gotta be a great time to be a comedian. It's like, yeah, no, it really isn't. This one for some reason is to press the shit out of me. You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. Hey, just, you know, I'll tell you right now, you can take that Donald Trump. You can water him up in a ball. Okay, you stick them right up, you know, who's who you roll her down the street into the fucking garbage bin. All right. And then you fucking, then you got to take Bernie Sanders, right? And

you got to give him that gun that fucking scarface had at the end of the fucking movie. And then you just got to send him in, you know, you got to send him into one of those banker fucking meetings. And he just comes in when, if no, when they do in the, the annual international banker slash family picnic, right? So you got everybody there. You got the evil cunt. And then you have the spawn of the evil cunts and you just got to go in there. I mean, even then, right? What are you going to do? Let's just say we buy into the fairy tale that everybody who's super fucking rich is fucking evil. And then regular people, we're fucking good people. Well, well, you know, then we'll have their level of power, then we move up and then we become them, right? And then,

you know, you know, it's gonna happen. You're gonna be gonna have power, you're gonna have influence. Here come the horse. Oh, right. Here come the horse. Here comes the temptation. There's the pile of gold you're supposed to be watching for everybody else. You know, you could do the right thing or you could go out and get yourself your fucking Bentley, your Lamborghini, you could stay with your wife or you could start banging a 22 year old Victoria's secret model, you know, decisions. Yeah, it becomes tough. You know, and then it's like an earthquake when the earth splits, right? And your morals are on one side, and all the horse and the gold are on the other and it's very hard, you know, you got to jump over early, jump over early, or it get you go you go too far

down. And then it's just what can you tell you just you caught up in it, you fucking caught up in it, you know, and that's when I actually feel lucky to be a balding redheaded fuck because it really keeps me in check. So sad. Anyway, so let me do a little fucking read here. It was the last time there was a balding redheaded fuck, you know, of any influence. You know, I think it's high time a balding redheaded fuck, got a chance to drive the bus, huh? All right, here we go. Oh, our old friends here zip recruiter. Hey, everybody, are you hiring? Are you? Oh, God bless you. Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? You don't. Wow, posting your jobs in one place, you know what? Evidently, that isn't enough to find quality candidates, not these days. If you

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You keep that under wraps. You're not supposed to say that. You're supposed to say, hey, that person with the dead tooth, you know, that I don't want to look at every day, you know, at the end of the day, they are the best quality, quality candidate, right? All who want to look at it, say, I all who want to fucking hire the hot chick with the titties. Hey, right? Oh, she's a jolly good fellow. So, find out today why zip recruiter has been used by over 800,000 businesses. And right now, my listeners can try zip recruited by for free going to zip recruiter.com slash bird. That's zip recruiter.com slash burr zip recruiter.com slash burr. All right, that's it for the reads. That's it for the reads. Cleo, can you get over there and lay down please buddy? Can you get over

there? Just get over there and lay down. Stop staring at me. Go on. Get over there and lay down. Go on. Go on. Go on. Oh, for God's sakes. Yeah, step on my laptop with your cute web toes. Cleo, get over there. Go on. Oh, you're testing me today. Go on. It's a fucking bed. It's comfortable. You know, you used to be a wolf and you had to sleep outside. Try to find a spot that didn't have acorns underneath you. Tell you this dog, it's fucking thing has no respect. I thought I had to go to the bathroom. It doesn't because I actually during that radio interview, I went outside and she took a big dump in my backyard that I now have to go pick up with a plastic bag because that's that's what a man does in 2016. Right. So now I realize that she

just wants to come up on the couch. She's all scared. Right. You know what, I know there's so many fucking dog lovers out there right now that you know, nothing would make you feel better than if I fucking brought her up here. All right, come on, Cleo. Come here. Come on, buddy. Come here. Dog trainer would be pissed right now. You gave into her. All right. There you go. See that? Look at you. Snug like a bug in the rug. Now you're fine, right? All right. Good kid. Anyways, yeah, Jesus Christ. So that's all people want to talk about. They just want to fucking talk about politics. And I go, Hey, I don't want to talk politics. I'm not paid attention. I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't like, I don't like any of them. And then everybody just

ah, yeah, you know, yeah, but don't you think you don't you think it's all really just talking about Trump and being like, can you fucking believe this guy is still doing it? Nobody talks Hillary. Nobody talks Bernie Sanders. Is he related to the chicken guy there? He's kind of got the same hair. He's either that or the fucking the oats guy, right? One of the other is those nice two fucking hacky references. Did you enjoy those? Oh, Jesus, I got to go to the airport. I have not even packed and I still have eight more fucking minutes. I got a needy pit bull sitting in my fucking lap. I have to somehow eat and not become a fat fuck today. You know, I think I'm going to do I'm going to pack a lunch like a goddamn second grader going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

with some cheese and crackers and like an apple, you know, and as much as all these fucking weird looking shredded 50 year olds that are spray tanned out there, you know, those people and they've gotten their first fucking. Can you tuck the parachute under my chin behind my ears? They've had that fucking procedure, you know, so they still have the heart monitor forehead, you know, with the lines going across it, but then like their fucking neck, you know, they're looking like who's who's a classic fucking. It's got a great I Jesus Christ. I don't know when you the fucking act, you know, class of the actor face, you know what I mean? Jod, jutting out confidently, you know, the jet black fucking hair, right?

You used to dance in the fountain on friends, you know, now you're on OJ. My wife's been watching the shit out of that thing, huh? I can't get into it, you know, I can't get into it because I already know what happens. It's like, yeah, spoiler alert. He's, he's found not guilty. I watched the first one just because I want to see them dramatize whatever he was doing in the back of the Bronco. And I can't tell you as much as the tragedy happens, whenever I see clips of that, it always makes me think like, dude, I would love a white full size Bronco. That's such a badass vehicle. It's big. It's safe. You know, what's great about those, those full size Broncos

back in the day was the, I've talked about this before, what do you call the middle area between the front two bucket, bucket seats or captain's chairs? I believe they used to call them. What I loved about the console there in the middle, when you open that thing up, that was big enough that if you insulated it, you could throw ice in there and have a 12 packet of Budweiser, you know, they make it so hard to drink and drive and enjoy yourself, you know, nowadays back in the day, if you had a big truck like that, okay, you know, your biggest problem was how am I going to, what am I going to pee into while I continue driving down the street, taking everybody's life into my hands? You know, I shouldn't even say that a friend of mine got fucking hit by a drunk

driver the other night doing like fucking 90. Her damn car looked like it was torn in half. And I got to tell you the way they make these fucking cars nowadays, it's amazing. Oh, by the way, so I found more information on the 27 Lincoln Continental, evidently, it's going to start at like, like 45 grand or something like that. They're trying to take out the Mercedes Benz E-Class and rather than going performance and that they're trying to go elegance, like we're a little more, you know, you ride on a cloud over here, as opposed to the, oh, I have a fucking Mercedes Benz. I don't know if that's the right way to go. But I also talked to the guy who rebuilt my truck. And I called him up, I said, Hey, this is the prototype, the concept car,

it has the suicide doors, he goes, Oh, my God, that looks fucking sick and all that type of shit. And I go, they're not making them that way. He goes, I was like, can you do if I buy this car and I ship it to you, can you fucking put suicide doors in it? He goes, I got it, you know, he had to look it up. He said, basically, you're making the car a lot more unsafe, you're weakening the overall frame when you take out that middle piece that's between the front and the second in the back door, the B frame fucking post, whatever the fuck he called it. And I'm thinking like, you know what, I haven't been in an accident. You know, I drive like a fucking old man, I can take out the middle fucking the B beam post fucking thing, whatever the fuck you call it, right? You know,

I feel like it's like, you know, when you have to get a permit, like you can knock down a wall yourself in your house, an interior wall, as long as it's not a load bearing wall, I feel like that's what I would be knocking out on my continental. So then I would have like this, these suicide doors, LED lights, that thing would look fucking sick. And then I would like rear end a smart car and I'd go through the fucking windshield. Or I'd just go into a spin and I'd be ejected out those two, those two like cool doors. So I don't know. You would think this day and age if they if they wanted to, is that why suicide doors went away? Were they considered not safe? I learned that doing the Seinfeld comedians in

cars where I asked them two times like an idiot, I go, why can't they make cars that look cool like this anymore? And he basically answered saying because of the, the safety regulations are so strict that they're basically basically creating in such a small space, all of them, that they're all going to kind of look the same. And then we saw another car. I said, look at that thing. I mean, I was like, why can't they? Why can't they make cars like that anymore? And Jerry just went, I already answered that question. It felt like such a fucking dope. Anyways, so you know what's funny is I just talked to some people on the radio in St. Louis and I was telling them how how much I was not looking forward to watching my team having to try to get a point or two off of

them. That's coming up Friday. And they were like, well, you know, who knows, maybe when you come out here, St. Louis will be in the playoffs. She can go to a game. And I was like, that was the one happy hockey thought I've had in the last, I'm not going to lie to you, like I was, I've been so busy that I didn't even notice like the first three games that we lost. And also like I wasn't, I'm not one of those guys that looks at the standings. I just knew we were three seats. So I'm like, all right, so we're in, I'll watch, you know, as many games as I can towards the end of the season. And I'll enjoy us the first round of the playoffs. I'm going to be sitting there, right? My Budweiser, my little shorty there, right? Little fucking thing at Jameson. I have one of those a period,

right? So by the end of it, I'm either like, you know, happy that we won or I just passed out drunk, you know, if we start to lose the game, then I do two, two Budweiser's and two Jameson's in the third period, then you just you fall asleep. And the next day you wake up and you're so fucking hung over, you don't give a shit that you lost, you're just trying to get yourself physically back to where you need to be. That's how I do it. That's the way an alcoholic does it. I don't do that. Okay, you fucking literal cunts. Why would somebody do something like that? So anyways, I am going to be in Windsor tomorrow night. Oh, let me read the dates to wrap up the podcast here. Well, the first half of it before we then listen to some Andrew Thamelas mood music. And then we move into some

of the classic stuff from back in the day from podcasting. Back in yesteryear. All right, so I'm going to be at the Coliseum at Caesars. Doesn't that sound impressive? It's probably a 40 seat room. I'm going to be there tomorrow night, April 1. April 2. I'm going to be at the Casino Roma in Rama, Ontario, wherever the fuck that is. Then I'm going to be at TD Place Stadium in Ottawa, Ontario. And then I'm doing the LOL festival in Sudbury Arena, Ontario, which is actually a, it's a minor league hockey arena, the way they, you know, they set it up so you can still do stand up in that too. I'm not like fucking Santa rice. Let's not get crazy here. And then later on this month, the 22nd, 23rd and 24th of April, I'm going to be doing a run, St. Louis,

Missouri, Kansas City, Missouri and Ames, Iowa. I have not been to Iowa since I did the Rich Bitch tour with Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings way back in the day. And I believe we did one of the Penguins Comedy Clubs. And that's the last time I was there. I am so excited to go to Iowa in April. I've never, the only time I've ever been to Iowa has always been the dead of fucking winter. And all the crops are cut down. And it's like you're walking on the surface of the moon. It's overcast and all of that. And I told you for the longest time, I was like, how did slip not come from out here? Like my idea, I should say, of what Iowa was, you know, just, you know, beautiful ponytail girls running through fucking,

fucking stalks of corn, you know, with their flannel shirts tied off, going, Hey, y'all, how you doing? You know, I'm just a girl next door. Somebody's got a southern accent, you know, apple pies in the window. Like that's what I pictured. And then you get there and you're like, Oh my God. Is this what Armageddon looks like going to fucking Iowa in the middle of January in February? I'm telling you, you've never seen anything like all the crops are cut down. The gray sky meets the barren earth. And you're like, I get it. I get slipknot. I get meth. I understand madness. I get this. This is fucking insane. So I'm so excited to go there and actually see it when it's lush. And I watch like, wow, these people feed the country. I want to see that.

All right. So anyways, looking forward to that. Anyway, so that is the podcast. Can I say anyways, one more fucking time. That is the podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Have a wonderful weekend, your cunts. And I will talk to you on Monday. And thank you to everybody that's going to come out to the shows here in Canada. Okay. All right, I'll see you. Hey, what are you looking at? She was a happy girl the day that she left me. She turned away, what was she looking at? She was a sad girl the day that she left me. Hey, what are you looking at? Who's that big goon on Minnesota with that weird last name that has like three letter B's and an N in it or some shit? I don't fucking know. Anyways, let's plow ahead with the podcast. This

is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 1st. Yeah, I had a hell of a fucking weekend out there in Houston, Texas. I want to thank everybody who came out to the improv and I had great shows Friday night that led into Saturday night. And Saturday night, I think I might have had two of the best shows I've had in recent memory. They were just everything sort of clicked. I kind of sitting in this restaurant. And this is this is how clean living I am. Okay, it's right before seven. I'm having a salad with fucking chicken breast in it. Right. I got my laptop. I'm typing out this fucking script. Finishing it up, drinking a glass of water, getting the shit out of the way. And I just

remember like to having this feeling like this. This is what Tony Robbins does. You know, that's how he has that fucking psycho, terminally happy fucking smile on his face, you know, and I don't know. I realized some shit in that moment. I brought it to stage. I started riffing the whole fucking thing worked and I recorded it. But beautiful thing about the universe is when you hit something great happens, something else has to balance it out. Like I get to see Peyton Manning fuck up the Super Bowl and thus make me feel vindicated. And then two weeks later, a crushing fucking overtime loss. It wasn't crushing because they used to beat us by fucking, they used to beat us like seven to one. All right, you got to admit.

Okay, you Canada fucks. Remember that back in the day? It was a joke. Our hockey was a joke. First of all, 90% of the people in the league were all from Canada. Granted, there were only six fucking teams, but still. And you guys used to crush us and now we're breathing down your neck and you better enjoy that gold medal because I got a feeling that's the last one you're going to be fucking having for a while. How do you like that? You wait till fucking next year, buddy. Can you guys handle that shit talking? All right, anyways, so twice this weekend, I had incidents with people in the crowd. And both of them were women. And I'm the first to tell you that I do have fucking issues with women, but the the first night I was on stage and there

was this woman right down. I don't know if it's stage left or stage right from where I'm fucking at it's stage left. All right. So I think that's the proper terminology. What the fuck do you guys need to know stage left stage right? You're in the crowd. You know, I go down to Midas. Do I need to know what fucking wrench they're going to use? I don't need. Okay. So it's stage left. All right. I'm looking down and this fucking girl, she's, you know, she's talking. Continue on with my jokes. I look down. She's still talking. So finally say, hey, hey there sweet tits. Why don't you, what's the problem? What are you talking about? And then she does the usual, you know, I wouldn't say she was attractive. If she wasn't from a small town,

she'd be a hottie, you know, just out of percentages. But, um, so she did the usual. Like what? What? I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. You know, 10 minutes later, I look back. She's still fucking talking. It gets a little more heated. I basically went to her table about six times until I finally told her to shut the fuck up. And then I don't really even fuck her. Remember that all of a sudden next thing you know, she's hammered and she's getting kicked out when I got like five minutes left in my show. So she threatened to sue the place and all this type of shit. Now usually that's the end of the night. You know, the whole crowd is fucking clapping as she's leaving because she's been fucking annoying. Everybody around them who paid

to see the show. All right. So usually that's the end of it. But you know what this psycho did? She actually sent a letter to the improv and she tried to pretend that she wasn't herself. She tried to pretend that she was an impartial member of the audience who completely agreed with her and thought that I was a fucking idiot. So, uh, I want to read you a little bit of this fucking letter here. Um, to whom it may concern, I attended Bill Burr's first show on Friday, uh, the 26th and was utterly appalled by his performance. I love comedy. Oh, this is what you always have to do. Whenever you bitch, um, and you're not there in person so they can't see what a radiant human being you are, you have to then, after you state your bitch, you then have

to fucking show how easy going you are as a human being. So anyway, she saw my show. She was utterly appalled by it by my performance. And then she goes, I love comedy and I certainly expect there to be rudeness, crudity, and what can be offensive topics. That's what comedy is all about. It makes it fun. That being said, okay, now she's established how fucking cool and laid back she is back to trash and old fucking howdy duty here. She goes, that being said, Bill Burr took it way too far and he was quite unprofessional to say the least while initially there was indeed quite a lot to laugh at. Yeah, that was the part where you were sober, your fucking lightweight. That was the beginning of the show when you weren't fucking on your ninth fucking drink

and you were actually paying attention to the show. So yeah, initially there was indeed quite a lot to laugh at. I had those persons trying to write as if it's medieval times. And I should be like fucking holding this thing like a goddamn scroll. I know that isn't medieval ish, but she's used, she's doing that biblical thing where she's using extra fucking words to try to sound intelligent. Well, initially there was indeed quite a lot to laugh at instead of being at first he was funny. Anyways, the show ended up the show ended up being a complete disappointment. Okay, for it. Okay, this is her complaint here for at least 30 minutes, he blasphemed God and the name of Jesus Christ. He outright degraded the Catholic religion.

All right, now that's complete bullshit. I only blasphemed God, the name of Jesus Christ and the Catholic religion for about seven minutes, 30 minutes. What am I fucking George Carlin? I can't talk about anything but 30 minutes. Maybe you weren't so fucking hammered, you dumb cunt. You know, you'd have a better perception of how much time it elapsed. Oh, Jesus. All right, let's continue. Although, okay, this is another thing, another thing where she's pulling this move again. He outright degraded the Catholic religion, although I do not belong to this religion. So now you're supposed to be like, wow, she's not even part of that religion. And even she found it offensive. Have you guys picked up on

that on YouTube at all? Like when someone wants to trash Obama, they'll say like Obama is the worst president ever. And then they'll write, and I'm a Democrat. You know, like you can prove it either way, just trying to cut people off the past before they go, fuck you, you fucks, news, watching, right wing, whatever, you know, women need to shut the fuck up and I'm a girl. That dumb shit's okay. So evidently she was, she was offended and she's not even, she's not even Catholic. Anyway, she said it was offensive. And what he said went on and on. Again, while this type of thing should be expected, he took it way too far. And there was a young lady who, like I and my friends was becoming offended. Yeah, of course she was because she's you, you fucking psycho.

Can you believe that she thinks I'm this fucking stupid? And I know at this point, it's probably not obvious to you guys, but wait till I finish the rest of this. All right, I'm probably going to sound like some maniac here, but I don't give a fuck. I said there was a young lady who, like I and my friends was becoming offended and said a few words, and said a few words to someone at her table. You fucking lion sack, a twat. Anyways, she said, when he rudely addressed her, that's when I said, Hey lady, I guess lady is rude. Hey lady, could you do me a favor and maybe look at the show at some point? He said, when he rudely addressed her, she told him that she was Catholic. That never happened. He had no apologies or considerations, just utter disrespect. Okay,

first of all, she never said that out. She never said she was Catholic. And if she did, she said it so quietly that I couldn't hear it. So how the fuck could this random fucking woman in the crowd hear what she said? Let's fucking thing is going to make me mad again. All right, let's continue. After he finally got off that subject, his show just got worse. This is when she's on about her sixth drink. It appeared to my friends and I that he may have been getting heat from some of the audience, and that he felt uncomfortable. This may very well be the reason why he continued to pick on the lady. The lady. This is why I'm picking on her, not because as I'm doing my act, by the way, I keep looking down and she's getting some sort of martini thing

that looks like there's a beer in it. I don't know what the fuck it was. It's one of those chick fucking drinks, you know, like, what if we take root beer and second fucking roofie in it, you know, she was drinking those things. Okay. And so now she goes in this very, he goes, this may very well be the reason why he continued to pick on that lady, even at one point telling her to shut the fuck up. Yeah, I told you to shut the fuck up because you were talking the entire time you twat. Anyways, this is downright unprofessional. Who said that someone cannot say a few words to people at their table? Do you see how obvious this is that this is the actual fucking woman? Who would give a fuck this

much that you would write three pages? They were quietly speaking and not making any noise whatsoever. Oh, yet you heard her say that she was Catholic. On the other side of the stage, there was another table talking quite a bit more and they were louder due to the drinks, yet he did not pick on them. The only fucking. Let me just fucking relax here. This is even funny anymore. Like I totally lost, I've lost the whole humor in this. This is fucking making me so mad. They were more disruptive than anything, although he of course made jokes about it. All right, there was this table next to me. They were also drinking, but they were more doing that church thing where I would say something funny and then they were sort of like fucking

repeating it. So they were a little bit rowdy, but they were acceptable. This woman who was fucking out drinking everyone at the other table had basically essentially her fucking back to me to the point that if I fucking punched her in the back of the head, I would have got two minutes for boarding. Possibly a fucking gay misconduct. All right, there's something for you Olympic hockey fucking people. Anyways, let's, let's, let's continue here. Actually, that would be roughing, wouldn't it? Let's say I took the mic stand and I turned it sideways. I could have cross-checked her on the fucking neck. All right, here we go. Now we are convinced that his wrong demeanor was due to his discomfort after realizing that he had offended some of the audience. In order to justify

himself and ease any tension coming from the audience member, he said something along the lines of, don't listen to me. I'm just an idiot up here speaking. Pray for me, please. That was obviously a demonstration of his uneasiness. That's, this is, this is how drunk she was. What I was doing was I was, I was telling people in the crowd that if they were religious, that I respected their religion. All right. I just had, I just personally don't buy into it. Okay. So I'm only stopping right now to say this because I know some of you, you get so religious, you get so into it that you can add, you get so holy that you can actually commit murder. You know, God's usually as a tool or, you know, vengeance. I think that was the line I used.

I said, okay, you shouldn't be getting mad at me. You should pray for me to help me see the light and everyone got a huge fucking laugh at it about it. Okay. And this lady is basically, she's, I can't wait to email her back. I don't know. I flipped flopped a hundred times in my head what I was going to say. You know, I just can't wait to, I think I'm just going to write back something really quickly. Like Ruth, you actually pretending to not be the dumb drunk bitch in the crowd is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Something to that effect. Basically, let her know that I know that it's her and I'll see you next year at the Improv, you cunt. Anyways, I'm very surprised that your, this is where she tries to,

this is where she tries to get me banned from the club. I'm very surprised that your club hosted this comedian. It was a true disappointment. I am embarrassed as I was the one who suggested the Improv when my friends and I were planning on seeing a comedy show. I do hope that you will consider not having this comedian back as he gives your club a bad name. If this is, this had been my first time to the Improv, I never would have returned. You might consider hiring some local talent. There are several good comedians in the area. We are good friends with one of them. If you like his name, I'll be happy to give it. All right. As for the lady who we picked on, she and her table were unjustifiably asked to leave. There was no grounds on having them

escorted from the show right in the middle of it. That's how drunk she was. She got escorted out 50 minutes into my one hour set and she's like, she was escorted out in the middle of it. Do you understand how drunk this woman was? I talked about Jesus for 30 minutes. No, actually it was seven minutes. I was escorted out in the middle. No, you actually escorted out 50 minutes into the show when you were on your fucking sixth drink, you drunk cunt. There were no grounds on having them escorted from the show right in the middle of it. Again, they were not being disrupted at all. This impartial person just wants to keep talking about how innocent this fucking lady is that she never met. If it hadn't been for Bill Burr picking on

them, no one would have even noticed them. Can't you tell this is just the fucking drunk argument they had in the crowd and the car in the ride home? The loud table on the other side though is the one that took away attention from his show. I do understand that it is private property and that anyone can be asked to leave at any time, but this was wrong to do. This was a wrong time to do it. I personally believe that she should receive an apology from the improv, but mostly from Bill Burr. That's clearly not my call, just the thought. What a fucking, I don't know. Did I take too long reading that fucking thing? There you go. You want to be a stand-up comedian? That's what the fuck you have to deal with. She's actually like a total fucking control freak and what

happened that night was she completely lost on all levels. It's weird. You become like a part-time psychologist as you're breaking down the crowd as a comedian and she sat at the power position at the table. The table is at like a fucking, we'll say like a 30 degree angle, coming in, stage left. This is going to get technical. You fucks, don't leave me here. She, you know, she didn't sit at like the chair furthest away. If you sit furthest away, everybody you're at the table with has the back of their head to you. So then when you want to fucking talk, it's a difficult time. What she did was not only did she sit in the first chair, she sat on the first chair closest to me. So all she had to do was turn around.

She had the whole fucking table's attention and when she stood up, when she went to leave, her whole table stood up like a bunch of fucking minions. You know, like you remember that dude who used to carry the fucking umbrella for Puffy? That's how they all got up. It was pathetic. And people like that surround themselves with fucking weak people like that because any normal people person, you know, think about that. All you guys listening right now, if your buddy was being a drunk fucking asshole and got booted from the club, would you get up and leave? Immediately stand up like the fucking general just got up. I mean, I guess maybe you would, could you be, okay, he's drunk, maybe he's going to go fucking walk out and pee on a cop or something,

I guess maybe. I don't know. Anyways, you know, before I email her back, what do you guys think I should write back and come up with something clever other than calling her a cunt like I did? I think I'm just going to write back something to the effect that I realized that it was her. And I don't know. I don't fucking know. Was that just a big waste of time? Should I not have been bothered with all of that? You know, I don't know. Then I had another incident with another fucking person. I don't know. I have issues with, with beautiful women. I really do. This is actually a bit I want to do on stage and I'll just, maybe I'll do part of it for you here. The basic idea, I just, I don't respect them on a certain level. I feel like I had to do something

to achieve in life. All they had to do was basically, they were born beautiful. This, it's really not an accomplishment. I guess you go to the gym, you stay beautiful, past a certain age. It isn't accomplishment, I guess, but you know, I don't know. In order as a guy to get around beautiful women, you have to accomplish all this shit in life. And all they have to do to get to where the fuck you're at after accomplishing all this shit is basically take a shower and feather their hair back like Farrah Fawcett and they're in the fucking VIP. You know, I also don't like them because I don't know. I don't know. If they're smart, they're absolutely stunning though. I have to admit that, but you know,

if they're, if they're dumb, that's like, it's like you got a Lamborghini, but you find out it has a four cylinder or even worse, my fucking hybrid. Did that make any fucking sense? You know, they have that one default emotion. Oh my God. And they give 58 different reads. You know, if they see something cute, like a little puppy, they're like, Oh my God. You know, if you do something sweet for them, Oh my God. They, you know, you do something that they fucking hate. Oh my God. Fucking idiots. They got three words floating around in there and they're in VIP. You know, he was happy on the day that he met her.

And somebody said, uh, was actually saying like, I was trying to figure out why I was finding these fucking women so attractive other than the obvious that they were good looking women. This guy actually said, Hey Bill, uh, beside the obvious, hot women vigorously scrubbing the floor. I really set that up bad. He's saying this is why men find women curlers attractive. I just blew that joke. He said, besides the obvious, hot women vigorously scrubbing the floor. I have to, I used so deserved a huge laugh on that and I just fucked you out of it. I'm sorry about that. Um, anyways, he says, I have figured out why we love watching this so much when they release that stone, the way they let it slide out of their hand is reminiscent of the way a

skillful woman releases your cock after delivering a massive hand job. First of all, I hope you're a surfer because that's the only reason why I'm totally massive hand job, bro. Um, fucking massive hand job, or maybe you just have a fucking bit, or maybe I just, you have a fat cock. I don't know. So anyways, she goes, uh, they don't drop it. Don't push it. Just let it slide out naturally as I go to sleep with my boxes around my ankles. Oh, I forgot that was creepy. I know I read it. I was supposed to just read the beginning joke because I thought the joke was fucking great. I forgot the fucking picture in his guys with those fucking insect looking legs. Some guys legs look like insects with that fucking hair all over them. Skinny fucking legs. We're a mess.

Fucking mess. Um, like praying mantis legs. Anyways, a long time ago, I talked about unacceptable. This is when, you know, the podcast sucks. And I'm just plowing from fucking topic to topic. And there's just no sort of, uh, no segue other than dead silence. I didn't, somebody used to do a Bob Dole impressionally. I don't fucking, just the worst. Can I tap out at this fucking point? 37 minutes in, uh, bad wedding stories. Um, hey Bill, I haven't listened to your podcast since the beginning, decided it was about time I emailed you and told you how much I enjoy it. Thank you very much. Um, okay, let's get to the, uh, let's get to the marriage thing. Um, okay, I got a marriage story. When I was 23,

I was dating a girl and she got pregnant. Uh, dude. Okay. Uh, so we decided to get married. Okay. Stupid fucking move. Number two, even though a month before this, I was thinking about dumping her ass. Stupid mistake. Number three. Actually, that was the smart move. That was, that was the three card Monty right there. Don't knock her up. Don't fucking marry her. Wait, knock her up, marry her, dump her ass. You know, which one had the marble? You fucked up. All right. So all the plans are made, our families meet each other. Okay. Just cause I, you know, had to do that stupid three card Monty joke and a desperate attempt to try to be remotely funny at this point. You know what it

was? I have a blue windscreen this week. I'm going to blow that. I'm going to, I'm going to blame it on that one. You know, my fucking dog ate the orange one. So I'm going to blame it on the blue windscreen. Anyway, so basically this guy's 23 years old. He knocks up this fucking girl. He decides to get married even though he just, he thought about dumping her a month before. So anyway, so all the plans are made. Um, families meet each other. Invitations are sent out, all that bullshit. So three days before the wedding, I'm watching some stupid movie where this guy tells his other guy that his dad told him before his wedding, it's never too late to change your mind to which his friend says, but you're not married. And I guess that's a lap. So anyways,

so taking this as a sign from God that I just happened to be watching this movie, I canceled the wedding. Great fucking move. All right, which suffice to say brought a shit storm into my life. The worst part is that I actually felt so bad. I married the chick three months later. Oh, dude, you were out. You were fucking out. So basically I was a pussy. Yeah. Yeah. But dude, that's a hard thing. You were dealing with a lot of shit at 23. Your parents were crying. She was knocked up. Yeah. I wouldn't say you were pussy. You gave him to peer pressure. Anyways, we were married for seven years with every year being worse than the year before. So we're divorced. So we're divorced now. So I guess I should have gone with my gut to wrap this up. I got a little gripe with with chicks.

My ex used to ask me when the marriage was going down, if I could go back, would I not meet her, which I would say, fuck yeah, I would avoid you like the plague, which she would say. But at which point she would say, but you wouldn't have our two kids. Don't you love them? And then he would say, yeah, but then I'd say, but I would never have met you. So I would have never had the kids. So in that scenario, the kids aren't even a thought. This, of course, would lead to a huge fight about my lack of caring moral to the story. Don't use logic when talking to chicks. All right. That's actually not the moral to the story. What it is is you got to think how women think, you know, which, you know, if you're lucky at some point when you're 90, you'll know, you'll

understand 10% of what the fuck is going on in that brain. Basically, when she's asking you that, she was asking that I would guess one of two reasons. One, she was insecure that, you know, you knocked her up and then you married her and you were gonna marry her, then you broke it off and then you fucking married her. Believe it or not, I'm sure that's not how she dreamed of getting married. She probably dreamed of meeting her soulmate and they were so hopelessly in love that everyone in the crowd had tears in their eyes, for they never found a love so as great as theirs. She could have been thinking that and she wanted you to reassure her or she probably was just banging you, you know, and didn't want to fucking marry you and didn't think that you were the one either

and all of a sudden she got knocked up and she's probably sitting there looking at the side of your fucking head one morning as you're eating pancakes, trying to find where in the world she loves you, you know, on what fucking level, you know, just watching your temples going in and out as you're chewing, just fighting that fucking urge to slam a toaster over your fucking head, you know, just wondering how the hell did I end up with this fucking guy? Why did I say yes to this guy? Why did I let him fucking drop a fucking load in me? What is wrong with me? And just trying to make the fact that you had these two kids just, just us enough, you know, that's what the fuck was probably going on. But I don't know dude, you didn't really talk

about how much of a nightmare the wedding was. That was the meat of the story there, I think. You had the beginning and the end, but what are you thinking as she's coming down the aisle? What is your family thinking? You knocked her up and then you dumped her and you're like, God fuck it, I'll marry her anyways and you're only 23. They know you don't want to do it. Those weren't tears of joy, my friend. You know, what are you thinking as you're up there? You know? Was your cummerbund like ringing wet with flop sweat as you was standing up? I can't imagine that. Has anybody ever just ran out the side door? Because I can definitely see like, oh my God, I don't know what to say. How do I get out of this shit? And then just in a panic

when they started. Everybody's turned around looking. Where is she? Oh, what a fuck didn't have some wedding music underneath this. Would have been hilarious if I fucking prepared. You know, you're looking for the bitch. Where the fuck is she? And then she comes around the corner and you're trying to make yourself lover. And she comes around the corner and you just see that fucking face and you see those eyebrows that, you know, are going to be touching by the time she's 40 and you just fucking run out the side door in those cheap tuxedo bowling shoes. And you know what I mean? And you're in such a fucking panic, you know, there's no way that you're going to be able to get your car keys out in time, get them into the door,

open the door, lock the door and get in there. And it's like, people are going to be coming out running out of the church like some fucking zombie movie as you're trying to get your car started. I mean, the move there is you, if anybody does that, don't go to your car. You keep running. Okay. Most people get married in the suburbs. So headed, head for a wooded area. All right. Go online, learn how to turn your fucking cummerbund into a tent. Hang out there for a couple of days. Let shit cool off, grow a beard, come back to town, get some provisions. At that point, you'll be so fucking filthy. You're just another homeless guy wearing a suit. You know what I mean? Just let her forget all about you. Then maybe they'll think that you're mentally ill.

And then, you know, one day you just show up on your mother's front steps and she faints. Her dad catches you and punches you in the face because he's a former Marine. You know, haven't we all seen this movie? I'm trying to say run out the fucking door. Run out the fucking door if you're in that situation. If you're in that situation, all right. Bill, longtime listener, first time writer. I got a wedding story to tell you. I'm 23 years old. Now the 23 year old. I've been, here's one for you. Don't go to a wedding or get married at 23. They all seem to have bad stories. I've been to a few weddings and let me start by saying, in this story, it wasn't actually a wedding I witnessed. It was a wicking, a wicking hand

fastening. Okay. Now, for those of you not familiar with the wicking religion, I just want to state at this point, neither am I. I can't remember if that's the one that actually has all those pagan symbols that, you know, the Catholic church then said that they were devil signs, according to the fucking Rosetta Stone or whatever that fucking movie was. I read the book too. What the fuck was the name of that? Da Vinci code. Whatever. It was called a wicking hand fastening. And I know that because my sister didn't invite people to her wedding, she invited them to her hand fastening. That's why he knew it was a wicking hand fastening

and not a wedding because she said, I'd like to invite you to my hand fastening. Jesus Christ. He said, if you're 41, you still don't know what a hand fastening is. Congratulations. Thank you, because I didn't. So anyways, he goes, I'm 17 at the time. My sister's 23 or 24. We both still lived with our parents, her boyfriend, an unemployed alcoholic living off money. His mom left him when she died. There you go, ladies. There you go. You don't have to settle for less when this guy's like him out there. Anyways, the fuck am I? Why didn't I make this type bigger? Jesus, what a flop this podcast is. So anyways, so this fucking alcoholic was over for dinner one night. He tapped his fork on the glass a few times to get everyone's attention. We were three feet from him and

immediately my stomach knotted up because I knew this moron was about to say something stupid. You guys are fucking funny writers, man. Some really talented people listen to this fucking podcast. You guys write better than I do. Anyways, basically he announced his engagement to my sister in front of my mom and dad. Pulled out two Onyx rings and they put them on each other's middle fingers. You know, I went to the Onyx strip club in Houston last night. How funny is that? Anyways, it was dead silent and the look of repressed horror on my mom's face was unmistakable. It was so awkward. So I just started clapping going, yay, quietly because nobody else joined in. Oh, that's great. Is that your role in the family? You're the person who always tries to make it

better. God bless you. Anyways, it was just dead silence and my sister and her boyfriend kissing each other like everything was fine. A few months later, I found out they were financing those rings and going into payments on them every week. My sister's collecting child support and neither of them have a job and they are financing Onyx hand fastening rings. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I can't believe there's more to this story. All right, here we go. Fucking knee deep. I got to go the rest of the way. All right. Anyway, so I finally, it finally gets to their hand fastening day and they're doing the ceremony right on Newport Beach. It's in the middle of the day on Sunday in the summer. They didn't have, oh, they didn't reserve a piece of beach or anything. They just

showed up and go, Hey, let's have the wedding here. The family, we had, I got to sit closer to the damn screen. I can't read anymore. The family we have near the beach mostly all showed up. Oh, the people who live near the beach mostly showed up. There were about 30 or 40 of us. None of us, none of us are dressed in beach clothes. Half of them are in suits and dresses. There are no chairs. There's not even an altar. Everybody's just standing around hot and they can't sit down because there's no chairs and they don't, they don't want to ruin their clothes. My sister shows up in an all black gown with the veil. The boyfriend is wearing like a tux with his face painted like one of the misfits, kind of like a skeleton face. Jesus Christ. Sounds like the episode of the office.

Anyways, they don't do any traditional wedding stuff. They just go right up front of the crowd with their Wiccan priest or whatever. The Wiccan priest is basically just a friend of theirs. He reads a bunch of, a bunch of stuff from a book in some other language. My sister and the boyfriend are responding in some other language. Nobody has any idea what's going on. Then all of a sudden, the boyfriend pulls out this crazy looking knife with a what a hilt. I don't know what that is. Uses it to cut my sister's veil, then pokes the end of it into his finger until he's bleeding. He sticks the knife into the sand and wraps his bloody hand around my sister's neck while they kiss. The stoned hippie priest holds up his book and said something loud in that different language.

I assume it was the equivalent of, I now pronounce you husband and wife. I'm sure being a comedian, you've heard the sound of 50 people gasping simultaneously. Family members in suits and dresses are just walking away at this point. A lifeguard saw what the boyfriend did with the knife, called the cop, and the day ended prematurely with him getting cuffed and driven away in a police cruiser. Jesus Christ. Anyways, thanks for the podcast. I really enjoy it. Jesus Christ. How about a fucking round of applause for that story? All right. I think I have to read up on the Wiccan religion. You know, one thing I did like about that? I did like the fact that they just showed up and just decided to have a wedding and they avoided all those other costs. Because I wanted to say

halfway through that, like, you know, they didn't have, they didn't reserve that piece of the beach or anything. And I was thinking like, well, you never had two back in the day. You know what I mean? You just fucking had a wedding. It wasn't like nine zillion fucking dollars. It didn't matter where you were. But I guess you have to do that now because there's nine zillion people and bankers run the fucking world. Hey, speaking of that, did you get somebody sent me an email the other day evidently Europe elected a president? You hear that Europe elected a president, not England, not France, Europe, the entire continent now has a fucking president has one guy in charge of all of them. See that? Just like those 3D TVs that are only a few months away,

that new world order is going to be available right down at the Best Buy coming soon, coming fucking soon. If you're going to read about the bailout, Rolling Stone has a great article. And usually I try to stay away from their politics because they're so brutally to the left. It's fucking ridiculous. You know, they never trashed Democrats or when they do, it's so like light hand. They're just doing it just because they trashed a Republican so bad. They're trying to show that they're fair and balanced like those other fucking maniacs. Fox News actually has a store now when you go through the airport, which I think is hilarious. They sell water and that type of shit. So I don't know. It's going to be one fucking news channel. There's going to be one

president and one fucking currency of money and you better do what they say or that's going to be the end of it, my friends. The girl got a reason, they all got reasons. What would you do? What would you do if I followed you? What would you do? What would you do? What would you do if I followed you? What would you do if I followed you? Hey, what are you looking at? She was a happy girl, but didn't she love you? She was a happy girl, but didn't she love you? Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help.

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