Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-31-22

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

Bill rambles about restraint, garbage day, and college hoops. Boll & Branch: Get 15% off your first set of sheets when you use promo code BURR at bollandbranch.com. Solo Stove: Shop now and get up to 30% off fire pits all month long, AND use promo code BURR at checkout to get an extra $20 off

COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted.

Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. How are you?

How's your week going? What's up? I have one more week on the movie, and then we're wrapped. I cannot believe it. Very excited. I am as excited as some of my listeners were upset that I didn't talk about the incident at the Oscars.

It was funny. Somebody fucking wrote to me, was going like, I told you in your fucking pocket to hear your reaction to the slap. Hollywood's made you soft. And I was like, so you turned into my podcast to listen about gossip, about an award show, and I'm the fucking one that's soft.

I'll be honest with you guys. I'm still not going to talk about it because I'm still trying to figure out, you know, that shit brought up a lot of shit for me, beyond being a comedian. But yeah, at some point, I just didn't want to be yet another person fucking typing in all capital letters, flipping the fuck out, screaming

yelling, and none of that's doing anything for anybody. And I actually sat down at a long talk with my lovely wife last night about that shit took me fucking back, took me fucking back. And I got to say, the way Chris handled that moment was fucking unbelievable. And the restraint that he showed because he starts to go like, I could say, and the fact that he didn't,

because it was lobbed over the net at that point, for the Daryl Dawkins break the backboard slam. But then who knows what happens after that. And I felt he chose the show in the event over pride and ego and all of that stuff. So yeah, at some point, I'll sort it out. But I don't know, whatever. Jesus fucking Christ.

I also love Quest, and I felt that the whole evening was taken away from everybody. So I don't know. Have you checked out Summer Assault? It's a positive thing to say. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck to talk about. Let's talk March Madness, everybody. I don't know what the March Madness song is.

All I know is it's this shining moment when you win. We got in the final four. You got Villanova. Didn't they used to be in the Big East? Villanova, Kansas, Jayhawks. One of my favorite college basketball programs. You got the North Carolina Taheals. And then you've got to have probably the fan favorite,

if you love greatness. Coach Kay in his final year at Duke, wrapping up one of the greatest basketball coaching careers of all time, 42 years at Duke. And he gets a second chance at Carolina. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know why people waste time watching soap operas and real housewife stuff,

the level of fucking drama that is in sports. And it's actually real. It is now until the gambling gets out of control and then it all becomes fixed, like beyond fixed. By the way, I think I'm onto something with that whole degenerate part of every stadium they should have. You know what I mean? You know like Amsterdam has their red light district.

They should just have a red light district in every stadium. And you just keep adults who don't know how to behave and restrain themselves in that section away from the kids and the families and the old guys who like to keep score. Now, in that section, I'm not saying there's going to be hookers. I'm not saying there's not going to be. OK?

This is a blank slate. I want you guys to weigh in here. I want to know what you want in the red light district of your ballpark. And because that you're going to be able to go up there and be a complete degenerate. Because you're going to be up there with all the class clowns in the summer school fucking kids, all the people

that they don't allow to shout shit out at games anymore. They try to shut them down by playing loud shit on TV screens the second the action stops, which takes all the fucking personality of the neighborhood of the city you're in. They've completely just gotten rid of it with these goddamn loud fucking TV screens every time the fucking whatever game you watch and stops. You've got to be in the upper deck.

I think like upper deck, right, right field or left field. You're glassed in, tinted glass. No one can see what's going on in there. And I think inside mine, you can gamble. You can drink. You can smoke. That's the biggest one for me. All right, you can smoke.

There's different tiers of it, like the four floors of whores and the fuck was that place? Singapore. Four floors of whores was this place that they called. I'll never forget that. The lady promoter invited me and my wife to go over. She was just like, ah, no. Going to take a big pass on that one.

Although having said that, if I wasn't married and I was with one of my knucklehead friends back in the day, I absolutely would have gone. I'm not saying I'm a better person. I'm just with a better person now. Yeah, I think they should be like a fucking section at the top. And I can actually put together a good argument for this. Aside from the one that I already said about how people

get to yell out of ball games again, right? It's a degenerate section. You don't participate in all of that shit that goes on the big TV screen. You can't even hear it. What happens when there's a stop at your play is all the class clowns and all the fucking knuckleheads in the loud mouths, the drunks, the gamblers,

and the smokers all talk about the game like we used to before all you other fucking assholes showed up and ruined the experience. Well, there was never gambling. Well, there was. Everybody ran down to the fucking pay phone at halftime. No mascots, no t-shirts shot up there. Man, that'd be a fucking great idea.

You know, they always have vintage stuff. Buy like a minor league team. Nah, no one would let you do it. And they say, well, smoking's bad for your health. It's like, and? You're not going to say we're overpopulated? We should just go back to viewing the population is like, you know, just like the deer.

It just needs to be, you know, it's just something that needs to be, what, handled? Is that the fucking word? I don't know. I'm losing my concentration here because I'm here in the garbage truck coming up the street. And that's my thing. I go right out there.

Are you like me? Do you go right out there the second the garbage guy comes by? I go right out there. Right out there with the regular, right out there with the recycling, and right out there with the landscaping one. The black, the blue, and the green barrels. And here's the thing.

I know they all end up in the same pile, put on a barge, and dumped in the middle of the ocean. That's not what I'm talking about. The biggest one you have to be there for is the black one. The regular, this isn't some progressive shit either. I mean, the black trash barrel, all right? You got to be there for that one, because that's the one that these fucking people throw their dog shit bags in.

All right? People who have dogs, I used to have a dog. I remember the best day was trash day. All right? The other six days of the week, your dog takes a shit. You pick it up. You walk it around trying to find a fucking barrel you can put in it.

And everybody's hiding their barrels because they don't want your dog's dog shit in their fucking barrel, just sitting in the sun with the lid closed, stinking up your fucking barrel. So my big move is when that fucker comes up the street, I've run right out there. And I already got the black and the blue one in. This is the green one.

This is all right. Although some hippie might walk by with their dog and be like, what, man? It's like compost. You know? Anyway, so who do you guys like in the final four? I like, I don't know. Caroline and Duke are always so evenly matched.

I feel like because Carolina won the last time, I feel like Duke's going to get him. But I got to tell you, as a Carolina Tar Heel fan, you got to be thinking, how fucking great would it be? If the last two times North Carolina played Duke, they fucking beat Duke both times and left that fucking stink, that bad taste in Coach K's mouth. Because you know, they don't give a fuck.

Carolina blue, fuck state, fuck Duke. You know they're saying that shit. And then on the other side, you got Kansas. Villanova. I don't know shit about either team other than I love the Kansas J-Hawk, so I'm going to take Kansas. And then in the final championship game, if there's a Duke-Kansas final, I got to, I mean, that's tough because

Kansas is my team. But I just have so much respect for Coach K. I got to root for Duke the rest of the way out. But I'm one of those weird guys because I didn't grow up down there in the Carolinas, down there in the Research Triangle, down there in Tobacco Road. I like Carolina and I like Duke. I like Carolina because I always liked their uniforms.

And then when I was growing up, they had like Sam Perkins and what's his face? James Worthy, Michael Jordan, JR Reed, Eric Montrose. I watched them all through all they had. What's his face there? Vince Carter. They've just had some incredible, incredible players.

And I always like Duke also because I'm white as shit. And there's just something about Duke that just is white as shit. I mean, that is a white fucking school. I just feel really comfortable on that campus. Anyway, I'm fucking with you guys. And then Kansas, I always liked, I don't know why, I always liked that, I don't know, I just

always had good teams. And I have a lot of family in the Midwest and stuff. And I always loved the Midwest. Bob's big boy, the shakes had malt in them. Back when you would travel and shit was different instead of the same 10 fucking stores. I really enjoyed all of that. And Villanova, now didn't Villanova,

weren't they the ones that went with Rory Massimino or something like that? Didn't they win it like 1995? Hang on a second, Villanova, was it them? 85, championship roster. Yeah, that was it. I remember that. Who was their coach?

Who was their coach? Raleigh, Raleigh Massimino. And that was when Georgetown was trying to go back to back and they had that kid, Michael Graham, I remember him and Patrick Ewing and St. John's had Chris Mullen and Syracuse had Pearl Washington. We were just talking about the big East was fucking amazing back then.

And then Virginia had Ralph Sampson. Houston had Akeem Elijahwahn. I mean, it was just fucking. The 80s were fucking ridiculous. Carolina had Michael Jordan. And Duke was yet to be a powerhouse. Then Kansas, what did they have? Did they have Sam Bowie or was he Kentucky?

I can't remember. And then he had fucking Bobby Knight in Indiana. And I know that they won one like 87 or something like that. I think that the last, that was like the last one that they won, I believe. Which by the way, Bobby Knight probably fell asleep while Will Smith was screaming. He's probably sitting there going,

what is this, the fucking Disney Channel? What am I supposed to do with this? This is boring as shit. Anyways, let's do a little bit of reads here for the week. Bet MGM, it's tournament time. Riff about college, hoop excitement. I just did. I just, all of that, I was just riffing about,

leads us into Bet MGM. Why just sit there and watch the game when maybe you can make a little bit of money? You know, if you haven't signed up for Bet MGM yet, use bonus code BR, B-U-R-R, and you'll get $200 free after placing your first $10 bet. If any team hits a three-pointer during the March matchup...

Oh, if any team... Wait, you'll get $200 free after placing your first $10 bet if any team hits a three-pointer during March matchups. Obviously, they're just giving you that money. Here's how it works. Number one, uno, eins. Download the Bet MGM app

and sign up using bonus code BR. Number two, dos, eins... I don't know the German. Eins, eins, eins. Place your first $10 money-lined bet on any March madness game. Number three, trois, tres. You'll receive $200 and free bets immediately

after placing your bet if any team hits a three-pointer during March matchups regardless of the outcome. Just make sure you use the bonus code BR when you sign up. Excludes Michigan Disassociated Persons. Please gamble responsibly. Gambling problem for Arizona. Call 1-800 next step. Colorado, D.C., Louisiana, Nevada, Wyoming, Virginia.

Call 1-800-522-470-0. Confidential help in Michigan. 1-800-270-7117. Illinois, Indiana, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Wyoming, 1-800-gambler. Iowa, 1-800, that's off. New York, call 877-8-HOPE-New York or text HOPE-New York. Tennessee, call red line.

800-889-9789. Mississippi, 1-888-777-9696. Sports betting is void in Georgia, Hawaii, Ohio, Utah. In other states, we're prohibited. Promotional offer is not available in Nevada. Bowl and branch. Good luck with that, people, and bet responsibly. Don't be a moron.

Have fun, okay? Don't end up marriage. Bowl and branch. Bowl and branch sheets aren't just buttery, breathable, and impossibly comfortable. They get softer with every wash. Forget thread count. Bowl and branch gives you thread quality

because it doesn't matter how many threads your sheets have if they aren't the best threads possible. Oh, there you go. That makes sense. Doesn't matter how many horses you got if them horses won't run. The signature hem sheets from Bowl and branch are considered, are a best seller for a reason.

Bowl and branch, I mean, it just sounds, doesn't that just sound comfortable? That sounds like a steakhouse. Bowl and branch, that is a good idea, a steakhouse. You just lay in a bed with a high thread count and they just feed you fucking steak, defibrillator right on the other side of the bed post. Bowl and branch uses the highest quality threads on earth.

I like how they clarified it with earth as opposed to what, the rest of the solar system. They got something better on Uranus there for a superior softness and a better night's sleep. Sheets made with threads so luxurious. They're beloved by three U.S. presidents. And I like the way they feel against my balls. They feel buttery to the touch.

Stop saying buttery and are super breathable. So they're perfect for every season. Over 10,000 stellar reviews. Bowl and branch signature sheets come in nine versatile colors in all sizes from twin up to a California king. What is a California king? The way they eat out here, some emaciated person, plant-based diet.

You'll immediately feel the difference of their iconic signature sheets. They're 100% free from toxins, meaning no pesticides for maldehyde or other harsh chemicals. Bowl and branch sheets fit the deepest of mattresses. The deepest of, who sleeps on a deep mattress? What does deep mean, smart? It's like a crevice going down the middle.

Bowl and branch sheets fit the deepest of mattresses and are labeled with top and bottom tags. So making your bed is easier than ever. Isn't that nice? Finally, somebody decided to do that, top and bottom. Best of all, bowl and branch gives you a 30-night risk-free trial with free shipping and returns on all orders.

Get 15% off your first set of sheets when you use promo code burr at bowlandbranch.com. That's bowl and branch, B-O-L-L-A-N-D-B-R-A-N-C-H.com. Promo code burr. Oh, bowl and. So you're thinking bowl and branch, bowl and. All right, solo stove. Hey man, do you like to cook by yourself, man?

No, solo stove, this is something different. Solo stove, there's nothing quite like the feeling of gathering around a warm fire on a cool evening. And a smokeless fire pit from solo stove makes your outdoor movements even more memorable. Because instead of having to constantly dodge campfire fumes, you can sit back, relax and actually enjoy the fire.

And right now, you can get a great deal on a solo stove fire pit. Solo stove fire pits are brilliantly engineered, easy to light with a few bits of starter. Your fire is blazing in minutes, perfectly portable. Take solo stove with you on camping trips and more. Shop now and get up to 30% off fire pits all month long and use promo code burr at checkout

to get an extra $20 off. Plus a lifetime warranty and free 30 day returns. Just go to solo stove and remember, you get $20 off when you use promo code burr. All right, there you go. And as always, old freckles is running out of shit to talk about. Oh, another thing that happened to me last week

was I fucking, I did the podcast before the goddamn Oscars happened and I went to upload it. And for some reason, my computer is not recognizing my interface, which is why I'm still doing this thing on my podcast, but I did a whole tribute to Taylor Hawkins and I forgot to do it the second time around because that other shit happened. So I gotta go back here.

Yeah, rest in peace, Taylor Hawkins, man. Absolutely, absolutely shocking, shocking news. Man, I don't even know what to say. Just loved his playing, his energy, just seemed like the coolest guy ever. And what I loved about him was his influences. Like I thought like he wasn't the typical guy saying Bonham, Keith Moon, you know,

he was into like Fleetwood Mac, he was into the Eagles, he was into Queen, had the great singing voice and the stage presence and all that. And I also thought he had like really cool drum kits and stuff. Like I always liked every time the Foo Fighters would go out, I was always excited to see his kit.

That is really one of the coolest things about, you know, being a fan of drums and drummers is, I guess guitar players and bass players do it too, but I feel like a lot of guitar players play the same guitar and then they get known for that guitar. And same with like a lot of like bass players too. Like I know like, like Duff McKagan, who I love, he's been playing that white bass with the Skull and Prospo,

he's been playing that fucking thing since I first saw them on MTV Live at the Ritz in like 88 or something. But I feel like drummers, every tour, they're like, all right, I need a new kit. I got it, okay, I got it out to the last one or I'm gonna go like Vista Light this time. Anyway, but I always thought Taylor Hawkins

had really, really cool like drum kits. And I just love the way he played. And I always feel like a drummer that can also sing, makes him like an even better drummer, as far as like, I don't know, just having that gift to also be able to sing, I feel like you understand harmony and music at a deeper level,

and it affects the way you play drums in a good way. As opposed to a tone deaf jackass like myself, that can just sit down and apply his, you know, weak athletic background to the instrument. You know what I mean? I feel like that guy was like a fully formed musician. And yeah, man, what a fucking kick in the gut that is. So, all right, you know, what a bad week.

Just a fucking awful week, but we've got to end on a higher note here. You know, I want to thank everybody that I've been doing the movie with, you know, Mayor Max, everybody on the, I mean, I'm acting with all the producers, just everybody, the whole crew that's shooting the thing, the food trucks that we've had,

we've had at fucking least I have. Anyways, I think everybody else is having a good time, having just a fucking blast making this movie. And I'm getting down to the end here. And this is when you get nervous as a first time director, like, how do I assemble this thing? And then I'm just thinking back, like, every scene kind of, I felt it was crushing.

So I know I just have a bunch of good scenes. I just have to put this thing together. So I'm looking forward to it. So we wrap on Tuesday, and then I have 10 weeks to get my first cut to Mayor Max, which is exciting. Just kind of go through this whole process that I've never gone through before

and put something together. But I'm actually really excited about the editing part of it, because I learned so much working with Mike Price at Epis for Family that I hated it at first. And now I actually really enjoy that process of, like, tightening each time, each pass, tightening it up a little bit more. And we got some really cool music for the movie.

But I am just going in there blind. Like, I've never done this before, but, you know, I got great people around me. I'm not an idiot. I put great people around me that are gonna help me through the process. And I've already learned so much. Like, the amount of movies I've been in,

and I had no fucking idea. It took me, like, 10 movies to be in, to just be able to look for the sound card. I used to just walk up to people, and I'd be like asking an electrician where the paint was. I just didn't know who to talk to about what. And I think I was so busy trying not to get fired. And now I understand, I can't say all of it,

but I understand a lot more of it. At least now I talk to the right people. I ask the questions to the right people. So anyway, enjoy the basketball this weekend. Yeah, try not to let your emotions get the best of you. And if you do, just try to apologize in a sincere way. All right? That is it.

That is all. Crazy week, man. Shit is crazy, man. I'm gonna try to do some stand-up tonight. I'm open with that. Whoa, what's up with the world, man? Shit is crazy. All right, that's it.

Enjoy the music. And there is a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, following the music, ticked out by the always wonderful Andy Themolus. All right, have a great weekend, you cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast

from Monday, March 31st, 2014. And I know you're bitchin', you're saying this is late. You're right, it is late. I'll give it to you this week. It is late, but that's only because I'm doing a very special episode of the Monday morning podcast. I eluded and passed episodes about this tour that was coming together with the guys

that I go out on the road with Paul Verzi, Jason Lawhead, and Joe Bartnick, that possibly the three of them were gonna come together like one of those superhero movies and do their own fucking tour. And they are, they all in tour. And it starts tonight at Lago at 7.30 tonight. And right now, Joe Bartnick isn't here yet, but Paul, dude, I called it, Verzi is here,

and Jason Lawhead are both here. So I wanna welcome both of you to the podcast. Oh, thanks, man. Thanks for having us here at your lovely studio. Oh, thank you. This is amazing. This is the All Things Comedy Studios. It's late today.

What is the podcast? Do you take, I noticed though, you take a, wow, what a, what a, what a, what's the matter? Being nighted, I sounded weird there for a second. I sounded weird. Yeah, but they can't hear it. Oh, okay. They can't hear it.

You take a lot of flack for that shit. For like, if you're like a couple hours late, I noticed like you'll post your thing and people will be like, where'd it go, Billy Redfucking Dick? You're an asshole, it's one of ya. I can't believe I'm going, I'm like, dude, it's a bug, I know it's a Monday morning.

It's like two in the afternoon. It's fine, guys. It's the internet. Yeah. It's what people do. Everybody's in the bushes. So they can say whatever the fuck they want. I mean, just, I don't read Twitter.

It's hilarious. I don't think they're really genuinely mad. I think they just want to like, you know, yeah, for the most, they want to be like, they want to get their little shirt. I said this today. Oh, they love doing that. People in general,

they're not big on heckling during the show. But afterwards, if you're standing out there, whoring yourself out, that's when they'll come by and they'll be like, oh, you're not as tall as I thought you're going to be. They'll say shit like that. And I always, I always just give them, should I go, you know, you had 90 minutes to say that

when I was saying to your pussy. That's always good when that woman's standing there too. Then they go home and they probably take it out on her, hate fucker or something. I like to feel that I had something to do with that. But that's not why we're here today. No, we're here to promote your guys, your guys tour. And do you have any of the dates here

that I could actually start reading? Okay, this is what we got tonight. Tonight it's already sold out. We are going to go ahead and answer it. We'll still waiting for Bartnick. Bartnick said, answer it, answer the phone. All right, by the way, if you hear weird noises out of Jason Lawhead, he fucked his back up.

Yeah, there you go. All right, so here we go. The All Things Comedy Tour starring Paul Versey, Jason Lawhead and Joe Bartnick is tonight. It's at the Largo in Los Angeles, which is already sold out. And Tuesday, April 1st, tomorrow night, if you're down in Comedy Starved San Diego,

a lot of comics never go down there. They're going to be at the Madhouse Comedy Club tomorrow, Tuesday, April 1st. Sunday, April 6th, they're going to be at Parlor Live in Bellevue, Washington, Monday, April 7th, they're at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon, Tuesday, April 8th, San Francisco, they're going to be at the Punchline.

Wednesday, April 9th, they're going to be at the Punchline and Thursday, April 10th, the Punchline. So 8th, 9th and 10th. 10th is in Sacramento. Oh, Sacramento, sorry. 8th and 9th in San Francisco and 10th in Sacramento. There you go, there you go. And I'm excited because I've never been to Sacramento.

I've never been anywhere in California. Ah, Jesus, what are we doing here? I've never been anywhere in California other than Long Beach and LA, so I'm looking forward to San Diego tomorrow. See, this is fun for me because you're in California. I've been out to see you in New York at least a handful of times since we've been friends,

but you've never been to California. All you know is... And all of a sudden he does his shit on California. Yeah, I get it. He's right and left. He got hammered when we were in this cigar bar in Calgary and I was shitting on the Yankees or something. No, you were shitting on golf, I think.

I was shitting on golf like bad. I was shitting on golf and then I, because I was saying that... By playing it or following it? Like where I keep, where I put it as far as sports competition. Gotcha. And I put it in with bowling, pool, shuffleboard,

where it's one of those things. So he gets mad at me and he starts going. He starts going like, you know what, Bill? He goes... I whisper. He goes, he goes, burritos suck. He comes at me with the cuisine. He goes, all it is is beans and rice.

And I go, yeah, Paul, that's all it is. No one ever thought to put anything else in there. Yeah, I got, but you know, you even said, I got drunk. You said it hit me like a smoke bomb. Like that time you started slump. Remember that time you got hammered and you were just like, you were a mess. Like...

Let me get my calendar. Yeah. But do you think that's bad though? I saw you shaking your head that that's where I put golf. Not anywhere near bowling or shuffleboard. No. No, no, no, I'm not saying this. There's all different degrees of difficulty,

but I'm just saying as far as you're playing a sport where it's all between your ears, between your ears, there's nobody physically trying to stop you. Mother nature. It's all... Several times. Oh, give me a fucking break.

I'm just saying, wind, what? I mean, there's a lot of forces of nature. Well, no, I think wind, no, but I think... I'll just say wind, playing against you. This is a fucking sport. But playing against you. Leaves a stick is in the way of your ball. I'm not saying that it's...

They talk about the wind held that guy, hits a home brother, like, that would have been out of here. The wind held it up. No, I know, but when baseball players talk about how difficult it is, they talk about trying to hit a curve ball. They don't talk about the wind.

Hey, try hitting the golf ball. Sons in your eyes. Forget mother nature. They're making... Skin cancer? Yes. No, but there's more than that. It's not even that.

It's how about the fact that you actually do have to have a proper swing, posture, your hips, your legs, your hands. Paul, you're not listening to me. They have to stay intact, too. Your body has to stay intact. You're not listening to me. I'm not saying it's not difficult. You golfing zombies.

What I'm saying is it's not fucking playing football, basketball, hockey, where there's somebody trying to stop you. There's not a pitcher throwing the fucking golf ball a hundred miles an hour you chin to back you off the tee. And then you gotta come up there and settle back into your fucking swing. Right.

Okay, that's all I'm saying. I know it's mentally difficult, but it's in the same family as pool, bowling, shuffleboard, horseshoes, all the way down to some of the most simplistic sports there are. Tiddlywinks. Nobody's stopping you. No, I mean...

Nobody's stopping you in jacks. You don't need to be in shape to do shuffleboard. You don't need to be in shape to bowl. That's such a terrible point to bring up with, because I'll tell you, I'll fucking show you. Dude, first time I watched the Masters, Kenny Perry, he looked like somebody's grandfather. Fucking came out.

He blew it, and then some other fat Argentina guy wanted. They were both fat. Oh, Cabrera. Fat guy still... And I'll concede that fat guys can play golf. I get that. Dude, the sweat on Bill Mickelson's mantits is so unacceptable, he should always have to have to wear...

That's why they should have to carry their own bag. Yeah, but they're not piles of shit. Kenny Perry's not a pile of shit. Dude, what is he? Cabrera? Just doing... What is he closer to? Just doing a sudden death playoff he is.

Oh! No, no, no. No, but what is he closer to? Is he closer to an Adonis or a tub of shit? Oh, no, yeah, he's definitely closer to a tub of shit than an Adonis. And another tub of shit beat him to fucking... Dude, even that guy who bought the General Lee car,

he doesn't look like he did a fucking pull-up in his life. He had those seventh grade straight arms, what you don't have, you just have basically the humorous bone with a little bit of meat hanging on it, so you can still pick up a pencil or a fucking eight iron. The guy who hit that amazing shot. Bubba Watts. Yeah, Bubba Watts.

Right, right, right. Dude, that core's like drinking, come on. Yeah, he's like the guy that's... He's the Jetskies. He's totally the Kenny Powers of basically baseball. But I'm not disrespecting the sport. I'm not disrespecting the sport, but I'm just saying the reason why I find the sport

boring as hell to play is the fact that there's nobody guarding me. And I get bored shitless by three, four fucking holes. I don't care. The whole thing is silly. I'm trying to put this little ball in a hole. The hole is unguarded. There's nobody trying to swat it away as a gold tending.

It's just fucking hole in the ground. Yeah, but that's a stupid way to look at it. It's designed differently. It's just a different game. Listen, there's a reason why. There should have been in Caddy Shack too. There's a reason why a bunch of fucking old people when they start putting on weight,

you know, and they need to get active, they always pick up that sport. And I'm telling you, those fat fucks who if you threw a baseball, the odds of them chipping their tooth can somehow still get on a golf course. And I'm not saying they crush it like a pro, but they can hit the fucking thing straight enough.

They're all right. They're okay. They're okay. They're not fun to play with. They can shoot a 105. I love how we're calling millionaire golfers tubs of shit. Yeah, they're not fun to play with. Dude, John Daly used to be fucking pound and pierced.

Oh yeah. John Daly was an animal. John Daly was an animal. I heard his book like he was an animal. I used to, we used to go to the Firestone every year with some buddies of mine down at the NEC in Akron. And we used to follow. This is back in the like late 90s,

mid to late 90s when Daly was on top of the world. He was in every tournament because he was, you know, he was still exempt from all of his wins. I love that guy too. Dude, he was the best. We would follow him around and he bombed the ball past everybody. This is before Tiger made a name for himself on the tour.

And he was a smoking, he would, chain smoke. You know, they don't show it on TV, but a lot of these guys chain smoke. It's like they hit the driver, they light the cigarette and he literally changed. When the camera goes away from him. When the camera goes away from him, he, they don't put the camera on him.

And a lot of times when you do, they'll go back to be like, we'll go to Daly at 16. He's got a cigarette burning in the fairway. You just don't see it. He takes his hit. They say, and then they show the ball, you know, they saw it hit the green and they show him like, you know, give his club.

And then once they show like the trees and the leaderboard, he's back smoking again. He carries a, he actually smoked so much. He's got an old coffee can with a hook on the side of his bag when his, when his, as an asterisk. No, does he? Yeah. So because they don't want them littering up those nice courses.

That's not cool. So he is like, you literally, you would follow him and they, his caddy had put the bag down and he'd be waiting to hit his approaching and he'd be smoking cigarettes as long as they guys, and he throw it in the coffee can. Or if he still had a cigarette, when it's time to hit, he throw it on the grass and just let it burn,

wait till to pick it up. It's hilarious. Well, listen, I know it's difficult cause I've actually talked to a professional athlete, Hall of Famer, who said those guys mentally, the strongest athletes, cause you get all that time to stand with the ball thinking, I understand that. But there's just something about the fact

that there's nobody trying to stop you. But me, it's just the, the, the activity of it. I feel like I might as well just sit in a restaurant with a chopstick trying to catch a fly. It's just like, why am I doing this? This is just dumb. I'm not working up a sweat. Like I just, I would rather play fucking horseshoes

and then just walk back over to the grill and just grab a sandwich. Like I just understand what I'm doing. Part of it might be because I'm so pasty and I'm out there. Yeah, you might not enjoy it. Like dude, do you know how bad I want to go out on the course with you guys?

Cause you smoke it. Only because you smoke with the guys and drink it. But then I'm just like, I'll meet you at the fucking, at the club. Yeah, but the drinking and the smoking on the course is so fun. Oh, there's not a smoking, a Cuban on a golf course? I know, but this is the thing.

Maybe that's hot. That's how you have to sell this sport because it's not like, yeah, you want to go play hockey and it just be like, yeah, you're smoking Stoges. All right, maybe I'll come down. We should have a, it's fun. We should have an annual, like we'll call it the Cuban open. We'll just get like four or eight guys,

get a couple of forcems. We meet at a golf course every year. And we just, we just play like two rounds of golf over two days and just smoke Cubans and drink Scotch. I gotta tell you this. If I ever became president. I gotta start drinking again. If I ever became president,

one of the first things I would do was, and I would risk my own assassination by doing this because I would go against all the corporate cunts. And I would basically, I would break bread with Castro and those guys. And I would just be like, all right, listen. We were wrong to try and turn your island into a bunch of Starbucks and casinos in the end of the day.

It is your property. Do it with it what you want. We'll bring you some cars down here. Just start sending us the cigars again. And we'll just leave it at that. But that's not what they're actually waiting for him to die. And then they're going to turn that place into, it's going to look like Orange County.

It's going to be fucking brutal. It's terrible. You know, I'm not saying the guy's the greatest leader. I'm not saying I want to be underneath the guy, but in principle, they were right. It was their country. They had the right to do. Okay, we're going to take colors here.

All of a sudden it came like a fucking political show. We're going to take colors. No, but I, getting back to the cigar thing, I'm so fucking sick of having to try and find, it's kind of the excitement of smoking a Cuban is trying to find one. Yeah. You know, and now you know what everybody's going to say.

You know 90% of them are fakes. Yeah, where you go, they are. They're already on Twitter doing it probably. Yeah, they do that shit. But even now, like, you know, if you order them and they send them in, you know, they get a little hard. Well, I'm just getting tired of people talking about

like how it could get you sick and how it could give you, you know, give you throat cancer and shit. It's like, listen, man, you know, I'm not smoking these like cigarettes, like a package. I'm going to smoke one or two cigars a week. That's it. That's it.

I've seen you smoke four and two nights. Well, who? And I don't even live in New York. I mean, that just happened. I just happened to be there. Yeah, well, you know, no, it was like five. It was, it was, it was, yeah, it was a fucking Thursday. Your back pedal at night.

It was a couple of days. I went a little bit. It does break down to 14 a week. Anyway, dude, I love them. I fucking love them. So now I got to ask you guys. Now, when you go to go out on this tour, being the Scotch drink and cigar smokers that you are,

what is the, what is the over under on weight gained on this, the all the, the all in tour here? Well, my plan coming in and I told, I told my wife, just my plan coming in was to, to not try to hang with Bartnick. Like, no, no, no, I'm not even kidding. Like Bartnick is not like, we're going to need Bartnick to be a day behind the tour.

When we're in Portland, he's going to need to be in Seattle. When we're in Sacramento, he's going to have to be in San Francisco. I've never seen, I'm not even kidding. I'm not even joking around. I'm not just saying this. You know, I've never seen a grown man endure what he can do and still be able to hold it to throw it, like to hold it together.

I mean, that dude, like he was going back to the bar. He's going, yeah, man, how about another heater? And remember, I had to tell him, I go, dude, listen, I'm not, I'm not. That was at my wedding, right? Yeah. Yeah. Bill's wedding. He goes, Hey, dude, you guys, you know, law and verse, you want another heater?

And I literally, you did it. I go, I go, guys, I'm not going to lie to you. I can't do it. Like I need, I need a break here. The bar, the bartenders at the wedding were pulling, we're pulling bartenders over from other bars to watch. They were like, watch, watch this guy, watch, watch what he does. The guy walking up now, watch what he does.

And the thing about your wedding, which was awesome was there was never like, it was never hard to get either a hard liquor. It was just always right there. And the guy knew what you wanted. So Bartnick would go, yeah, you guys want more heaters, another round of heaters, they would just start giving them. And then Bartnick's just drinking his crown. And I just patted him on the back and I was like, you are,

and he just had that shit eating grin, but he was talking straight. All the way into the bar. Well, he's for people don't know him. He's, he's a mountain of a man. Like he, he could give, he's like Cam Neely size, man. No, he's, he's a big dude. We're all like, what, like five, 10 or whatever,

trying to keep up with a dude who's like six, four. Yeah. I mean, me and you, by the end of the night, we were shot and he was just like, Hey guys, you want one of these for the road? He was like helping us. He was like Gleason when he comes back against, you know, a fast Eddie in the hot fuck. You know, he's just sitting there putting the carnation back

in his jacket. Let's play some cool. Poppin' his stuff. Well, that's how the, the funny is cause like, I think over those heaters that all that drinking is about how we came kind of came up with this idea for the tour. Yeah. That was at Bill's wedding in October. We just started chipping about it. Bill's not going to beat a voice or reason on this one.

He's kind of letting us go. Bill's not going to be around to go, Hey guys, listen. That's a good sign you're in trouble when I'm the voice or reason. Yeah. No, but you would be times. How much do you have to talk me into something? No, that's the thing. No, you know what Bill does? This is what he does.

He acts like he's the guy, like to like, to keep it cool. He'd be like, yeah, I should go. Well, this was so funny. We were in Canada. He goes, listen, man, I'm not, I'm not drinking tonight. I'm not drinking tonight. I swear to God, I'm backstage and he's on stage. He's on stage and I'm thinking I'm going back to the hotel. He's like, yeah, no, not tonight, not tonight.

He's on stage asking the crowd. You guys know where we could, let's just say we did. Let's just say we were to go out. And then after, after I get, you know, take clothes out the show, he'll be like, yeah, we'll get one, we'll get one. So like he acts like he's not going to, but see Bartnick is just like, I mean,

every tweet crowns, crown, like Bartnick's in. Like, but he's all in. He's all in, dude. Yeah, it was hilarious. We were in Buffalo one time. He pulled the same thing in Buffalo. It was after a Bruins playoff win. We were in, but we were in Buffalo doing Buffalo

while the, in June, right? And then we were like talking at the whole time at the place like, nah, you know, I'm going to travel. I'm not going to really drink tonight. We get back to the hotel. He's like, you know, that Bruins game's still on. Let's just go down to that little like bar. Like, yeah, we watch it.

Bruins win. We celebrate right there at the barton. We have one, we'll have one beer, right? One beer at the bar. If Bruins win, we're going to celebrate the barton in school. Bill goes, hey, if we were going to go out somewhere around here, it was a good place. He's like, next door, next thing, you know,

we're next door getting hammered, talking to these locals, eating bacon. Remember that bacon? They put bacon out as a bar snack. Remember that? That's right. So we had to do this place called the- Midwest, man.

I know it's Buffalo, but you're already north of Pittsburgh. Yeah, they're like, fuck the peanuts. They're like, fuck the peanuts. Fridays and Saturday nights don't, they bring hot bacon out in baskets for their bar snack. And I'm like, look, and I go, bacon's not cheap, man. I know food. Like, I asked the bar, I'm like, wait a minute.

This is crazy. She's like, nah, it's Friday and Saturday nights only, but it gets people drunk. They make the bacon. I asked the guy, he came out. They make the bacon, they let it cool for like 25 minutes so you don't burn yourself on it. So it's warm, but not hot.

And it just comes and you just eat bacon. It was amazing. I was like, I'm not going to eat this. And then it's like literally like crack. You have a couple of handfuls. And then you get all, then it's all salty. And then you want to start pounding. Yeah.

They was setting this up. I got to do some ads here. Hang on a second. All right. All right, here we go. Let's see if I can read these without messing them up. All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Nothing feels better than that first shave

with a fresh blade, right? It's smooth, it's close, and the blade is sharp. And it's as sharp as it's ever going to be. It feels fantastic. But thanks to the big shave companies, ridiculous prices, you can't afford to use a fresh blade every week. Can you? See, you drag that dull ass blade across your face

for two, three weeks, 10 weeks? Why do you do it to yourself? Maybe because the only thing more painful than shaving with an old blade is shelling out 30 bucks for a pack of new ones. Well, if you want to enjoy a fresh blade every week, but you don't want to go out and take out another mortgage on your house,

you got to join dollarshaveclub.com. For just a couple of bucks a month, dollarshaveclub.com ships the highest quality blades you can get. And there's that stuff where I'm supposed to act like I'm a four blade guy. I like the three blade guy. Seriously, only six bucks for the best quality blades

you can get. So every week you can pop in a fresh blade and treat yourself to an amazing shave. It's incredible. Join dollarshaveclub.com, get amazing quality blades in the mail for a couple of bucks and treat yourself to a brand new blade every single week. Hundreds of thousands of guys.

Jesus, I sucked this week. Hundreds of thousands of guys with their up, with have upgraded. See, this isn't me. This is the copy. Hundreds of thousands of guys have upgraded. They're shaving with dollarshaveclub. I'm one of them and I'm loving it.

Now it's your turn. Shave time, shave money, dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. All right, one more here. Stamps.com, everybody, the classic. I know it's a tough, I know it's tough deciding where to focus your resources to grow your business. Well, isn't it?

But one thing I can tell you, you don't need to waste valuable time going to the post office for mailing and shipping anymore. Why you ask? Well, I'll tell you why. Just use stamps.com to ask, access all the services of the post office, right from your desk 24-7 with stamps.com.

Buy and print official US postage using your own computer and printer. Get post office, get postage for any letter or package, any class of mail, all for just a fraction of the cost of an expense of a postage meter. With stamps.com, you'll never have to go to the post office again. So you can spend your time where it matters most,

focused on your business or other areas of your body. I use stamps.com. Right now, use your last name, Bill Burr. What? Now, use my last name, Burr, for this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and up to $55 postage.

Don't wait, go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's stamps.com, enter Burr. Oh, I'll tell you, that was a rough one, you know? Oh, I'll tell you, that was a rough one, you know. You can't even parrot that one. I'll tell you, that was terrible. No, but then you guys were moving in the background

and then when you guys started talking to each other. See, well, you know what? You know what? Let me finish. No, let me finish. Let's go. Let's go. That's what happened.

No, no, no, that's also basketball. That's every other fucking sport. Well, have you tried to take a foul shot? No, what it was was I started thinking like, this is how uninterested people are at home listening to this shit. Because the fact that you guys actually started talking. My favorite part is like, when I watch,

I've been watching every dribble of March Man is because I've been having this bad back. Like, I literally have seen more traveling calls than the refs have. But the thing is, I've been sitting there the whole time and I love like, Vern Lundquist is the best, because, you know, we talk about like dialing stuff in. Like that guy, like when he's doing the,

he's been broadcasting for a hundred years, but he has to do those live spots for like 60 minutes. You know, he's like, well, 12, 18 to go in Kentucky. He's right back in it on this one. Coming up tonight is 60 minutes. Don't forget to catch the pink panthers. Do we get the jewel themes or don't we tonight in 60 minutes? And you're like, Oh, he hates that.

I love it. He totally hates it. You compared reading ads on a podcast. That's golf. That's how tough golf is. Right there. Well, there you go. There's your point made. All right.

Let's get into how I actually met you. Point made. How I met you assholes out on the road. The fact that I would loan the Monday morning podcast presents the all things comedy tour. For some reason, you can't be late to this thing because you downloaded it. But if you're playing this and your wife

is walking around the background or husband. Once again, the all things comedy tour is coming to San Diego Tuesday, April 1st. It's going to be in Bellevue, Washington, Sunday, April 6th at Parlor Live, Helium Comedy Club, Portland, Oregon, and then two nights at the punchline in San Francisco, the eighth and ninth in Sacramento on the 10th. Yeah, then we're going to swing it over to the East Coast

in a couple of months. More dates to follow. I think they're working on that, but I'm looking forward to doing East Coast dates to come in the end of May. Billy, Boston, but we're doing it all the time. I co-sign all these guys. All these guys open for me if you've come out and seen any of my shows, basically in the last shit,

I don't know, five, six years, it's been one of these guys opening for me. So I'm excited for you guys. I was actually trying to think who I met first. I think I met you, Lawhead. Yeah, we've known each other for a long time. It's coming up on 10 years. No, it's over 10 years.

You know, what's funny is I didn't want to get sentimental about it because of whiskey. You know, we drank our first whiskey. But no, we did that show on New Year's Eve at the Will Turn, and that was literally 10 years to the day. We hung out on New Year's Day 10 years. Like New Year's Eve, you did Cleveland, and then hung out. And then that's when we became friends.

It's like you just came and hung out with me on New Year's Day because you had nothing to do. We were dark, but you had to stay in Cleveland for two more nights. Oh, yeah, this was a deal. Like New Year's Eve was like a Wednesday. Yeah, it was a Wednesday or Thursday. So then there was New Year's Day,

and nobody's coming out that day. But then you still had the weekend. So I had this weird weekend there where I was working New Year's. I was doing a run the whole week, doing New Year's, and I had a day off. So I had a day off. And Nick, the club owner, the greatest guy ever at Hilarity's

out there in Cleveland, he goes, just watch out for the guy. Keep him company. Dude, we fucking drank all day. They actually lost me at one point. We somehow ended up in this brutal titty bar. Yeah. Brutal. Even at the Rubble Drunk I was at.

I think it was the Silver Horse. And yeah. That's how boring Cleveland is. You need like the comic needs to be assigned somebody to just fucking mess. That's how it was. I was like that guy. I was like, hey, Jason, what are you doing?

Well, entertain this guy, please. Cleveland is way better than even it was like 10 years ago. I was just here recently. It's growing. What's this face? Yeah, like, dude, I wish you had money back then, because I was like, I'm going to buy a frigging building, because you could see it coming.

It's coming back around. Unlike Detroit, which keeps starting and stopping. Cleveland is. You could buy a hospital for like 80 grand in Cleveland. Yeah. They showed houses on the market there. I'm closing on a hospital. You could get like a four bedroom house

there for like $36,000. It's insane. Dude, but I got to tell you, though, when I first played Hilarities in Cleveland, that was the only game in town on that street. You walked up that street like a cop met you at the corner. I crossed the street out of my hotel. The cop met you at the corner and walked you up the street.

And now it's like closed off to traffic. They got the house of blues across the street. They got all this stuff going on. Restaurants and stuff. I remember seeing this giant apartment building like right across the way. I think Mike was living there at the time around the corner. And I was thinking like, I was literally thinking that.

I go, I bet you could buy that thing for 75 grand. And in 20 years, it's going to be worth like millions of dollars as this whole thing eventually hopefully comes back. You know, they got the casino. They just built another casino like not downtown, but somewhere else. But that's not a good idea. I don't like that idea.

I don't like that idea. I just don't like the casino idea. I think that we could have built that. There's no reason that that city can't be built on its water front and its character and its position geographically in the country. The casino is like it's like nightlife for like toddlers. The nice thing about the casino is we're close to DC.

We're close to New York. There's no reason we can't be successful. You know what's funny? The nice thing was I said to, well, you know, Bo, the cop. I love Bo. I said, he loves your parents and stuff. But I said to Bo, I go, Bo, where's the home? Because homeless is big out there.

Big, big, like they come after you. And I go, how come it's just light on the homeless? And he goes, they're all at the casino. It's just like, all right. Yeah, yeah, they're just all hanging out at these places. They're playing nickel slots all day long. That was like the lottery for them. That was the lottery for them.

Then you're bringing in the barrage for people. They started stretching when that place got there. Why would homeless people go to a casino? They don't have any fucking money. What are they doing there? Whatever they make. Some of those people make decent money. It's amazing.

I love that theory. There are some of those guys that make like $100,000 a year. Some of them do. No, I don't know about $100,000 a year. But some of them make money. They're still sitting their own urine in that fucking cardboard box. I mean, talk about committed to the scam.

It's freezing fucking Ohio weather. They was fucking, what's that shit when you're frostbite? Yeah. Black toes making $100,000 a year, you know? You got to make sacrifices. You got to make sacrifices. NFL guys smashed their brains around. The homeless, they'd lose their toes.

Do that scam in South Beach. The whole keep doing it. The coal miners get black or the plung, you get a black foot. Dude, I got to tell you, when I was in San Francisco, I was just up there trying to find some place where I could shoot my special. And dude, I have never seen so many people laying around not doing shit in that city.

I don't know what they're everywhere. But they used to have a stipend. They used to fucking give them money. This was hilarious. Like, did the homeless money? They would give them enough money to try to get them off the street. It was one of those things where it made sense if you were

giving it to people who thought sensibly, but they didn't. They gave it to the fucking homeless. So they would give you enough money so you could afford rent in some flop house for a month. So what would happen is the first four days of the month, you wouldn't see any homeless people. They were all inside drinking and shooting and drugs and all that shit with the money.

They'd have enough money for four days. And then by the fifth day, they'd start coming out like zombies. And then you had the problem again. So they basically were buying themselves like a four or five day reprieve. Now, of course, as always with all my stories, that's just something that four or five people did tell me

that story in San Francisco. I don't know if it's true, but I was there and they had all these beautiful parks. And dude, these people are snoozing to a level. You actually start thinking, what am I working for? Like, look at that. Dude, I saw this guy. He was like face down in the sun like some old hound dog.

And I was really just thinking, this fucking guy, I know he's living outside, but he's eating. You know, he doesn't have any conference calls. There's no, debt doesn't wake him up. This guy, dude, it was such a beautiful sunny day. It was one of those days where you actually would entertain the thought that I could, like, I mean, I could just fucking live outside.

This is beautiful. Dude, I took a picture of the guy and I tweeted it. And what was funny is I didn't even realize that there was another guy in the background. It's like you can't just get one. There's so many of them. When you get to the parks, just fucking lying all over the place. I saw one.

I was just there doing cops a couple of weeks ago. And I saw a guy laying on a park bench, sleeping, covered up. Champagne bottle at his feet, right? Cops strolling. I was sitting in another park bench just people watching. This guy's hilarious. He just bundled up. Not only am I watching this guy, he's got the champagne bottle

half full of his feet. Two cops come strolling up towards him. They're like, hey, got it. Let's go pick it up. Let's go. And one guy picks up and he wakes up out of a panic. And then he sees the one cop holding his half empty bottle. And he's getting ready to go pour it out.

And he's like panicking like, hey, it's not my wine. It's not my wine. And the guy doesn't care. He knows. He's like, eh, I'm sure it's not. He's like pouring it out, right? The funniest thing is this guy, when he got up and he rattled up and I noticed it after he woke up, he put it up there.

He had American Airlines eye, the patches to cover your eyes. So you could see the sleep mask. He had an American Airlines logo, flimsy little woman. They probably give you on the flight. So then they were up on his forehead as he was begging for mercy on these cops. And I'm looking at him going, wait a minute. What are you worried about anyway?

Them putting you under a roof? Like a roof? What are you worried about? Yeah, but dude, I would rather sleep outside and worry about getting hit over the head with a log and fucking take one of my ass at the county. Yeah, that's true. You know?

Yeah. Hey, you know, I heard that. I just like a bed. They actually, they actually, one of those cities, when they had like the stipend, other cities were flying their fucking homeless people in there to just get rid of them because they were having it. And then they started sending them back.

I forget what the fuck happened. Maybe that's where that guy got the mask. I can't remember. I can't remember. Well, that would be hilarious if that's where he got the mask and still had it. That's what I'm guessing. The other night in New York, I saw a lot of the homeless.

They sleep on the top step of the church. But the church never lets them in. So like they're just laying there. Why would you? No, I know. But it's just like, but after a while, they got to be like, listen, they're not listening. They're not opening up.

Let's go somewhere else. You know what I mean? Like they're just laying on the thing and it's almost like sad because it's almost like they have the belief and the faith and they're being shut out. Well, I think that the church, the church. I'd be like, fuck it, dude. I'm going to Starbucks or I'm going somewhere else

because no one, someone's not listening to it. Right. You know, I'm showing my faith. No, but it's good business for them to let them stay there like they give a fuck, but they're not going to let them in. But I don't know if that seems like a safe place. You want a safe place to sleep if you're home? I wonder if any homeless people just let them sleep on a church

floor because I don't want to smell in there. The saddest part about how this conversation got steered into is we were talking about Cleveland. It's the saddest part of it all. Yeah, we've just gone to the dregs of humane. How did the comic start? Cleveland. But anyway.

No, but I find that interesting when I kept seeing it. Paul, you don't want a bunch of smelly, homeless people stinking up the church for the decent people who come in on Sundays. And that might sound like Fox News. But at the end of the day, if you smell like urine, you smell like urine. You got to go outside with the dogs. What if the dude doesn't smell and he's just freezing, you know?

Put him in one of the pews and let him, you know? Fucking let him sleep in your basement. He'll start smelling when he thaws out. I didn't say, I didn't say I'm going to let him sleep in my, but. But he smells good though, Paul. Yeah, you just got some, I don't know. I mean, he's a stranger. Neither does the church.

He's going to go in there and steal all the chalices that they stole from the other fucking people. I just feel like if he's saying that he's got faith in that church, they should do something. That's all. That's what church should be. That's what it's about, right? Should be, you got to listen.

Faith costs money, baby. Put a little in the basket on Sunday. But that's my point. That's my point. Faith costs money. What is your point, Paul? My point is that like they have the faith. You trying to get deep on us here?

No, no, no. I'm just saying like, you know, you know, you know, what I'm saying is I, I, I see them laying on the front step of the churches and it's kind of a sad thing to see because they're wrapped up in their blankets and they have so much faith in that belief. Yet the doors are never opening. And it was just an observation that I found fucked up. Why do you think that the fact that they're sleeping on the stairs

means they believe in Jesus Christ? I'm not saying that they I'm just saying that it's just I think the people that choose thing is unraveling. No, I think that I think the fact that these people choose to be on the on the top step at the door of a church tells me that they have some sort of faith because I think I think what if it rains, you want to be underneath the arch, but there's a million. You could go under, you know, awnings of places or you could go under,

you know, buildings, right? Have a little church stairs. Yeah, it doesn't mean you believe in Burger King. But you know what? The church that I saw this guy on, there was no roof. He was just sleeping there, man. So I just put I just put that I don't think he believes in it. OK, I don't think he does because you know.

No, but you don't know me either. No, I don't. But I think it's he could or he might not just because you're sleeping on church stairs doesn't mean you fucking believe in anything. But wouldn't you think it's a good guess to think that he's got some sort of faith if that's his choice of I would think it would be safer to sleep there than outside a white castle. This is the first dude you've called it on a homeless.

What a fuck is Bartnick? He ain't making it. Yeah, that's Bartnick right there. He ain't going to make it. Bartnick is going to make it. This is this is this is dedication. This is the dedication we're going to have to this fucking tour. Is that what we're saying here?

No, but go back and wait. No, let's start some more arguments here. Hey, so you're a Cleveland Indian fan. I'm a Red Sox fan. He's a Yankees fan. All right, old American League East. The old American League East. Now, yeah, how do you feel about both of our teams and the way we spend money each year?

I think it's disgusting. Now, I will say that Boston last year wanted in a way where they didn't go out and over like they didn't spend any more than they kind of had been spending. I love the fact that most of the most of the trend is all these teams that are spending money aren't really the teams that are being successful at the end of the day. The Dodgers. The Dodgers spent $235,000,000, they outspend the Yankees. Yeah, the number one.

The Dodgers are number one. How excited are you? I loved it. That's it. You can finally say that, see, I loved it. No, not because of that. I just love the fact that like the Dodgers are trying to, you know, the Dodgers are going all in. Well, they have to.

They have to. All in, Tor. But see, no, but that's what they know, what you say, yeah, but they've been, they've been, they've been 25 years without a championship. They've corrected their financial situation after the guy and Magic's new, you know, well, I forget the guy's name that ran him into the ground. So spending $230 million is the way to go. Well, you know, they didn't set the trend.

I got to believe that if they believe that they're going to do something that the Yankees of Boston have done, which they haven't done yet in this, in this economics of baseball. Yeah, you got to do it. I mean, the last time they, they won was in 88 when the economics were shifting a little, but it wasn't, it's, it wasn't a five mega market league being able to spend that kind of good. There's only five teams that can spend that kind of, there's only five teams that can spend that kind of money.

So why wouldn't they, if they're one of the five teams that can spend it? Let me ask you a question. Why do you think that baseball allowed it to go the direction? What was the thinking that it was good to let the Yankees do what they did, which caused the Red Sox to have to react to it. And then we became them, I mean, we're not right now. I don't think, but, but we, in 07, I mean, there's no, there's no, there's nobody on the planet that can't tell me in 07, we didn't buy a fucking title.

Well, I think it all stems back, a lot of it stems back from, obviously you can't change what happens money-wise, but I think a lot of it sends back to when the owners were you know, found out about the collusion in the late 80s and they had to pay, once they paid the, once they played the player's union, I think $350 million settlement for collusion and the players, which was basically what owners getting together going, they said, don't pay Jack Morris is what it was. Jack Morris was on the free agent market, I think in 86 or 87 and the tiger's owner told all the other owners, don't pay him, keep him at the market value that we have.

And it all, in the long run, yeah, we get to keep Jack Morris, but in the long run, all you guys will be able to keep your Kirby Puckets and your Roger Clemens is at a price that won't gouge us. That was fine. The end of the day is it strengthened the players union to a point where the salaries have gotten to the point that the players union really runs the market and they run the market. So now the big market teams that have the money, they've opened the players unions have

made it able to be able to spend for those teams to spend that money and the rich teams can, well, that's a, that's a bottom line. The bottom line is as long as there's no cap in baseball, 80% of the teams will never win a world series. No, it's as long as there's no cap, the Kansas City Royals aren't never going to, I don't know if it's that high, but I mean it's at least 60 close. The one thing is, is what baseball's tried to do is obviously with the wild card and now the extra wild card, right?

They tried to make it somewhat competable. Whereas a team like Cleveland or Minnesota, if by the all-star break, if we look like we're playing really well with the guys we've groomed in, we can go out and, you know, get a, if the Philadelphia Phillies are falling flat on their face, we can go out and get a Jimmy Rollins. If he doesn't, if he wants to wave his trade clause and be like, you know what, I want to go play for these guys. They're pretty good.

I'm at a certain point in my career, go hit, you know, win a title, whatever. That's the only thing baseball's done to kind of recoup that. So why they just don't look at the NFL and be like, okay, the way they're doing it, Dean Bay can compete with New York City. Can Milwaukee compete with Boston? No. Brewers compete with the Red Sox. They can't.

So what the- Pleasure. Why don't we do- And why should I watch? The players union is so strong because they can get players union and get the guys paid. So do you think there's another lockout coming? We'll talk a lockout here on the podcast. I like talking this stuff.

I don't, I don't see it looming anytime soon. I think baseball's in probably a pretty, pretty good labor, labor situation. Because now the players have had to kind of crawl with their tails between their legs a little bit in the last few years with the PEDs and everything else. So they've kind of had to kind of come off their high horse a bit. So now there's a little bit of love, but there's a little bit of balance between players and owners because the players have kind of had to go, yeah, we were doing all this shit. That's so fucked up that those guys actually went in front of like the Senate or whatever

the fuck was going on. I don't understand. I just don't get why politics had to get involved. Why am I watching Kurt Schilling talking about- Talking to some representative from Minnesota. Yeah, because it's just fucking all stupid. He should be talking to his account. Bullshit.

Hey, speaking of all this, this ties in with a question here that somebody said, I said, Bill, what team? Dear Billy Bats, if you could coach one team in history without knowing the outcome of the season, which team would you pick? Keep in mind, stacked teams don't always win championships and there are other teams that could have won, perhaps with some better coaching. What the fuck? Brain twister, like a train's going this way.

If I could coach one team in history without knowing the outcome of the season, which would I pick? Keep in mind, stacked teams don't always win championships. Yeah, but the teams won the championship. I know if I coach the Cowboys in 78, they beat the Broncos. I don't get your question. I'll just- All right, drop that part of it.

But what team would you coach? Because that is an interesting question. Like if you could coach one team. No, I think the question is saying now. I think the question is basically like what you see now, if you could coach one of these teams that's out there now and don't look at who's stacked, don't look who's stacked, but just say who would you want to coach? Debbie says one team in history.

Oh, okay. All right, then. Look, this guy is either really smart and we're dumb or this is a fucking confusion question. I don't fucking know if I could coach one team. How about can I play on the team instead? Look, I'd like to- I'll go every era in hockey if I could play on any team.

I would play for the 80s Edmonton Oilers. If I could play, if I could, I guess, coach. Dude, you're a coach, a son. Who would you coach? If I could coach one team one time, I would probably- I would probably coach Larry Bird's 79 Indiana State team against Magic. I'd like to coach that game. I'd like to see if we could-

I'd like to see- I'd like to see if I could beat Magic. Maybe that's just a question. You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to coach the fucking 79 Dallas Cowboys and the 76 Dallas Cowboys. Against the Steelers? And both. And I would win the fucking game.

Yeah. That's how confident I am because they had their number in the first half. Oh, this is why we need Bartnick. Dude, if you- I want somebody put up the 70 Super Bowl 10. They put that up on the internet. Dude, the Cowboys called a reverse on the first play. Reverse to Hollywood Henderson.

He ran down the field. Their kicker tackled him. He took a knee to the ribs, fucked up three of his field goals, and they were playing loose and all that. And they were up. And then they played Marty Ball in the second half, and they got all fucking tight. And they just- They basically conserved the game away.

As far as the 79, oh, I guess I wouldn't know this. I wouldn't throw it to fucking Jackie Slater or whatever the hell his name was. Yeah. Jackie Smith. Yeah. Jack Smith. Bless his heart. He's the sickest man in America.

I would coach- Did you see they outlawed the dunk? You know, they made that a penalty now. The dunk over the goal post. And you were saying Hollywood Henderson, Hollywood Henderson invented the dunk of the goal post. They just had a big- Was he the first one who did it? Oh, they stopped it?

They had a big thing on ESPN. Yeah. It was the owner's meeting over the winter. It's a 15-yard penalty now. If you dunk the ball, because Joey Graham and all these guys, you know, they dated it back to history. They were like, who, the first man? And it was Hollywood Henderson after a reverse.

Landry used to call that reverse all the time to Hollywood Henderson. And it was in 75. They called a reverse to Hollywood Henderson in a regular season game, and he busted one loose for a touchdown. And he was the first guy, and they showed, he's the first guy to go up and dunk it over the goal post. So why did they outlaw that? Because they're tearing down some goal posts.

Guys have gotten hurt, I guess. I don't know. Wow. You got a million dollars investment. One time, Joey Graham from the Saints was so strong, he pulled one down where they had to come out and re-level the goal post, because it wasn't, you know, so he pulled it. And then the next guy that kicks in, it is kicking in. Not a lot of white guys upset about that rule.

Wes Welker, not bitching about that rule. He needs to be on Joey, Jimmy Graham's shoulders to dunk it. This is the deal. I would, actually, if I could coach any team in history, what I would probably do is I would maybe the 86 Red Sox. Yeah. But no, but then I put Dave Stapleton in at first. Yeah, but that's only because I know what was going to happen.

So I couldn't know. So like, I would, I would try to pick a team that hasn't won a championship, but I live in Boston and they just won't run the table. So I don't know what to tell you. For me, it's a no-brainer. I would 100% coach the Knicks, and I would make them run, listen. I would make them run. I would make them run until they puked.

I would, if they didn't play defense, they're out, they're fine. I would fucking go nuts. How fast would this team quit on me? I know, exactly. You'd be the second, you'd be the second Nick coach in history to get choked. I would. I would fucking, I'd lay into those lazy cock suckers. Like I swear to God, dude, I would.

That would be fun, actually. I would like to just take a horrible team and just be terrible. You fuckers, guys. Fuck. You shit me. You don't get back. Just get all my shit off of my chest. Listen, I would do what Gene Hackman did in Hoosiers.

Minimum of three passes. Minimum of three passes. Okay. Hoosiers are going to run all day. We're not, we're practicing the first month without a ball. You are running up and down Carmelo Anthony's, you think I can do this with pros or they're off. Carmelo Anthony's lazy weed face would fucking get into shape.

I'd be like, Carmelo, you want to wear that headband? Go take it off the top of the backboard. Yeah. I would fucking turn into, oh, that's what I would do, but it would be, Joey Pardnick. Joey Pardnick. Joey Pardnick is the nine. I totally apologize. I had to do my puck off podcast and I thought I'd said I couldn't be here until two.

No, it's all right. Hey, hey. Don't worry about it. You're here. Between you guys. Like you would need another 10 mics. I don't think anyone's missing my, my, uh, hey, we're currently answering a question right now.

If you, if you, oh, this would be perfect for you. If you could coach any team in history, not knowing the outcome, if you could just be the head coach, who would you want to be head coach of? Oh, the Steelers, 78 Steelers, 78, oh, I want to do the 78 Cowboys or 77. 76 Cowboys. 76. You didn't have to do it. Just, just roll them out.

Pardnick is ready for that shit. You would have thought you'd text Bartnick the question before he walked into the puck. The 83 Sixers. Yeah. I was thinking of them too. I said, I said, they played four on five. They just played Ivor Rode. I mean, they played four on five.

They beat it. It beat you anyway. Yeah. I put them up against, I put them up against the 96 Bulls. Yeah. We talked about that on mine and everybody goes, who's going to stop Jordan? I'm like, well, I think Dr. J could kind of offset a lot of the shit he was doing. Then I got Moses against fucking Luke Longley.

Yeah. I don't think anybody's beaten the 96 Bulls. That's because you're a child of the 90s. No, no, no. Dude, that team, defensively, they were great. I said I wanted to go to 79 Indiana State. They were as good defensively as they were all on that side of the edge. That's a good point.

That's a good one. But I'm telling you, I don't, but Luke Longley would have four fouls by, by the end of the first quarter trying to stop Moses Malone. Yeah. And then in all fairness, I didn't see enough of that 76ers team, but how good was Pippin on defense? I mean, defensively, they were. No, no, they were phenomenal.

I mean, there's a reason I picked the 96 Bulls. They were great. Well, Andrew Tony had bad feet, or Andrew Tony would be in the Hall of Fame. Yeah, absolutely. Andrew Tony could stroke. They didn't have six pointers back then. Six year career. Yeah.

He could stroke them. Oh, he could stroke them. He could stroke them. Yeah, they were great. He could stroke them. I mean, that, that, that was the ultimate two man game. You had to double team M&M. He went from, he went from high school to dominating the ABA, the ABA was like a fucking

prison rec league. Yeah, it was. That'd be the best. And he was, people were afraid of Moses Malone, like he was 17. Yeah. He was a B. He was. That's back.

They made an exception. A man child. And it was like him, Darryl Dawkins. He never lived up to it. Was he the first guy? Joe, was he the first guy to come out that early? Yeah. Darryl Dawkins was second.

Yeah. You know, the funny thing is, is Moses Malone and LeBron James are the only two guys in a history, the NBA to win consecutive MVP awards with different teams. And they're the, and they, and they both never played college ball. It's pretty freaking impressive. Wow. I mean, if you take out the big three, you know, the, the, you know, the, the, the Mount Ray, you know, Will Kareem and, uh, and, uh, Bill Russell and the next, I mean, it's

Moses Malone. Moses Malone is a B. And Moses, Moses is just like a six, a six, 10 truck. Yeah. Yeah. It's 17. Who just. Crazy.

Who just didn't, he just didn't miss. What did they lose that year? They lost one playoff. And that's a high school kid. That's a baby. Opening. Coming into that. Firstly, they lost one playoff game.

They actually asked Moses to predict. That's his famous thing. He goes, what do you think about the playoffs? He just goes foe, foe, foe. Just mean we're going to sweep everybody. And they basically, but they lost one to the Lakers. There's three foe, foe, foe, because back then it was the first round game was a five. But his quote was foe, foe, foe, foe.

Okay. But the funny thing was, is that I was a huge sixer fan, huge sixer fan back in the, because I was a huge doctor fan, huge sixer fan. And when he got traded, cause you couldn't, they, they could never win cause Caldwell Jones and Dawkins and Steve mix, whatever agglomalation of shit that they put together to stop either like parish or Jabbar would never work. So when they got him and he was setting the cover of rock, he was like sitting on the steps like Rocky, it was like, you knew it was over.

There was never a lock in the history of sports. Like Moses going to the sixers. Like you knew it was over. It was, it was a lock. How come they only won one though? Cause Dr. J was old and Moses wasn't old, I mean he wasn't old, but he was, he was, dude, Moses bad played back in the day where that dude played 46 minutes a night dragging dudes up and down.

That's what I say. Like because a black Monday is why they never won one black Monday. He trade hit black. The only time I ever cried in sports other than like Lemieux getting cancer, they were crying in sports black Monday, dude. They traded Brad, they, they trade, they trade Moses Malone and the rights to Brad Doherty for Roy Henson and Ruland dude. They traded.

I don't even know who they are. He's doing NASCAR. But they traded like they, their front line would have been Barkley, Brad, Brad Doherty and Moses, Moses said, I will never lose to the 76ers again. The bullets won like eight games that year. Like five of them were against the sixers. Yeah. That was 25.

He was like 30 and 25. Brad Doherty has probably the, the most epic fucking hairline. It's crazy. It almost touches his eyebrows. I mean the fucking guy, when he gets his shape up, I mean they got to like put a separator like at the grocery store between his eyebrows and his. It's just something sad about seeing Brad Doherty talk NASCAR. You know?

He's just sitting there talking NASCAR. It was even Saturday. We've seen him sit on the bench at all-star games. I was going to say, as soon as, as soon as Shaq got drafted, it was like, well, they're good. That's probably when he made his decision for NASCAR. He's probably like, fuck this. It's like, well, Brad Doherty can now make plans for all-star weekend.

Yeah. How did he get, how did he fucking go from, he's like, he's like one of the main announcers from NASCAR. He went out in North Carolina and he grew up in that shit and he loves it. He's always loved it. Well, that's all right. Then he ended up doing something. Guys, I got to read about the last fucking, my last three brutal reads of this week.

This is, this is not a, I'm not, not on my, my game here this week. I'm going to try to focus. All right. This is just like golfing. All right. Evoise everybody. What your business, what your business want your business, dude, I fucked up the first word.

Evoise everybody want your business to make more money. Evoise can help. Here's how. When your customers call, you'll have your own toll-free number, professional greeting, dial by name, directory and more. You'll sound like a Fortune 500 company and really stand out from your competitors. Evoise lets you give one number that rings wherever you are. You could be at your kid's soccer game.

You'll never miss a chance to grow your business. Evoise takes all your voicemail calls, transcribes them and sends them to you instantly as a text or an email, email. So you can check your voicemails before the meeting ends and not look rude. Rude. Evoise is only 13 bucks a month and right now my listeners get to try Evoise free for 60 days. That's right.

A 60-day free trial. Don't put this off. Turn down the radio. Get a computer and set up your Evoise 60-day free trial now so you can see what I mean. Go to evoise.com promo code bill. That's evoise.com promo code bill. All right. The next one.

Legal zoom everybody. The excitement of starting your business, getting your first customer and finally quitting your job. Has it moved you to action yet? Here's another great reason to get started. It's National Start Your Business Month at LegalZoom.com and they want to help you start your own business or corporation or LLC or file a DBA so you can get up and running quickly and easily.

Find out why more than one million entrepreneurs use LegalZoom to start down the path of successful business ownership. This month only. Take advantage of their National Start Your Business Month special and get a free three-month trial of all new QuickBooks, making it so much easier to run your new business. That's $119 value for absolutely free when you enter BRR in the referral box checkout. That's LegalZoom.com promo code BRR, LegalZoom.com promo code BRR. All right.

There we go. I'll save the other one till the end. So anyways, Joe Bartnick, you excited for the all things comedy tour here? We're all in tour. It's going to be epic. It's going to be epic. It's going to be epic. Look at this.

His game plan is he's going to try to avoid you as far as like his drinking. He's going to try to like. He's going to try to. Are you not drinking either? No, I'm drinking. No, no, no. You're drinking, right? No, no.

We were talking about. We were talking about. I love the point. Lawhead hasn't drank it. He just pointed at you like he was an NFL coach and you were a defensive player. I'm drinking, but he said, like we were talking about smoking cigars and drinking and Bill said, what's your game plan to not, you know, to not gain so much weight and go nuts. And I go, listen, I go, I got to really just watch Bartnick.

Cause Bartnick is, you know, you, you got that thing, dude, you're unstoppable. You're fucking unstoppable. No, the thing is, like an idiot every year at the Rose Bowl, I try to go blow, blow. I don't know why I do. I was telling him, I was telling him at the, at the wedding, you were like, you guys want another heater. And like after the fifth time I was like, Joe, man, you know, we just met. I was like, dude, I love it.

I need, I can't right now. I need a break at the end of the night. You had those crowns, the shots and you're smoking a cigar and you're just intact. You were just fucking intact. It was just, it's the way we grow them in Pittsburgh. I was, I was back home with this weekend. And I told people, I said, I know people in Hollywood, like, I think I got to go to rehab. I'm like, first of all, you drink wine and I said, second of all, my aunt's drink more

than you before dinner, I mean, it's just, it's drink. I mean, come, I mean, but no, there's, there's never peer pressure because there's more booze for me. I don't want to write out some of these towns. They stop early. So we got to keep that in mind. No, no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna definitely to have some drinks with you, but I got to have a rider.

What is the rider on this tour? I don't know. I haven't even seen it. I don't even have a ride. We're looking for openers. I think it's going to be an amazing tour of you guys. These guys are like the guys, guys, the fucking hilarious, they know sports and you know, it's not going to be, trust me, it's definitely worth the money.

As I mentioned earlier, we're going to have all the dates up here. They're playing San Diego, Bellevue, Washington, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco, twice in Sacramento so far. And then they got an East Coast thing lined up. I'm really psyched for you guys. That's the Midwest shows. I got people in and did, I want to thank everyone that came to the shows this week in Pittsburgh. They were awesome.

We're coming back as the tour. Nice. They're stoked for us and the DVE guys are stoked for us to come in. Nice. Yeah. I told them all about you. They're going to, yeah, they're going to make fun of me is what they're going to do. No, we, no, we feel your pain.

No, you don't. We feel your pain. What do you feel? You don't feel anything. You have six Super Bowl championships. Oh, this is the Cleveland, Pittsburgh rivalry. There is no, there is no rivalry. There is no rivalry.

There is no rivalry. There is no rivalry. We don't even, we can't, you can't be. I'm serious. No, there isn't. There, there's not a rivalry. It's your, your Browns rivalry is now the Ravens that we don't even have a rivalry with you because we haven't put up a fight in 15 years.

I mean, it's not, it's true. It doesn't exist. You think that there's people that on the outside looking in that, remember that old Brown Steelers, that doesn't exist. You go to Cleveland for Brown Steelers games. It's a sea of black. There's no Browns fans there. They sell their tickets to the Pittsburgh fans.

There is no rivalry. You can't be rival. I remember the saddest moment, one of the saddest moments in lawhead's adult life. We're watching this dealer game at a bar in San Francisco. He was up there hanging out. We're, I'm doing shows. You did some sets. Oh, thanks.

Walk, walk in the boot. We look over the booth next to us. A guy grew up right next door to him. Yeah. Like four houses down. Four houses down. And he's cheering for the Steelers. And he goes, and he's like, what are you doing?

He goes, I just gave up. I wanted to back a winner. We see this kid in a booth next to me. He grew up four houses down for me. I'm like, holy Christ. He's wearing a stick. He's on, it's a Sunday football. All the different people are in there watching different teams, right?

He's like, lawhead. He's wearing like a Cordell Stewart shirt. I went, oh my God. And he just said, he goes, you know what? I just gave up a long time ago. I said, are you wearing a steel? Are you rooting for the Steelers? I don't know.

That's the thing. I understand just saying, fuck it. I'm not watching it anymore. And then go to a different conference. Exactly. I wouldn't even root for anybody in the AFC. Exactly. I would, I would.

I mean, if I could, if I would root for anybody, I've contemplated it. But my contemplations are, I would go, and I know you hate him, but they're central to me and I like the new young quarterback. If I had to quit, which I've thought of, I'm thinking of quitting and going to Indy. I don't mind Indy. Right. Well, I mean, I like luck. They're close by.

They're a small little town. They've done everything right. I'm thinking, I might, I've talked, well, whatever, I've talked. That's a plus in my book. Right. Exactly. No, I'm saying their owner does drugs. He sits on the rules committee.

He changes rules of passing to help. I don't say how anybody could do it. I think it's just crazy. That's like a Nick's fan becoming a fucking Brooklyn Nets fan. It's despicable, man. It can't, it can't do it. I'm just saying, if I thought about it, if I agree with Bill, just stop watching it. Just stop watching it and give up.

But you can't just automatically take your jersey off and go buy it, go to the store and buy another fucking jersey. Then what happens when your team actually fucking wins it? Yeah, then you're an idiot. Then you deserve it. Yeah. You deserve your team to win it a couple years later. Well, that's like it actually happened.

No. It has to happen. Eventually it has to happen. Hey, listen. We're going to, we're going to do, I guarantee we win it this year. It opens on, it opens on April 11th. Dude, that's a guy that rats out his friends. It's a movie called Draft Day.

It opens on, I'm sure something good is going to come out of that. That's a guy that rats out his friends if you do that. If you do that, if you switch uniforms because they're not winning, you're a rat. You'll rat out your friends. It's definitely, it's a character flaw. You're local Wall Street. No, no, you'll rat your friends out. You can't trust that guy.

Are you going to trust that guy? No. You can't trust that fucking guy. No, exactly. The guy's been going to a stadium with his mother and father as a kid and then he just fucking throws in the towel and throws on the enemy shirt. That kid will sell you down a fucking... Yeah, the enemy shirt is, that's, that's evil.

That's sad. That's, that's a character. That is a character. That's a character flaw. Something's wrong. No, you're right. And I think he, and that person specifically, I'm not going to name names. You know, yeah.

I need to do a puck off today. I need to do a puck off. There's a lot of, a lot of brewing stuff going on. My man Crush, what was, did you see what he did? What did he do? Dude, hitting the guy from, and the, and the ball's from behind with a stick. I didn't see it. The Flyers yesterday?

No. Canadian game. Oh, the Canadian game. Dude, I, I was so jet lagged. I'm not so wiped out from my tour. I actually forgot. Monday night's usually dark. Not only did they have a game, they played the Canadians.

I missed every second of that. I saw the Capitals game. I saw the Flyers game this weekend. Who else did they play? I think they... But Looch, dude. What Looch, he speared him from the back under his butt, like hit him in the taint. The guy went down like a house of cards.

It was, it was not, it was not something that Looch ain't going to put that as a highlight reel. I got to see that. What a thing. I got to see that. Yeah. He, he stick them underneath. Like it was real.

I'm like, Looch, what are you doing? Well, just so the people know, we're not going to just talk sports on the, on the tour. No, no, no, no. Almost. No, I didn't even, all my sports jokes are, I cut them out. The nice thing is, the nice thing is... Because they're old now. Taggers.

Oh, you know, I'm fucking around. The great thing about this tour is like, we're all alike, but our comedy is different, which is great. I'm clean. All right. Well, we're going to have to, we're going to have to wrap this thing up here soon. I want to talk a little, little hockey though. Anybody who's not a sports fan is going to be like, what the fuck with this podcast?

I don't care. Let me just read the last one. The people who listen to your podcast. Bruins are hot. Yeah. But people still fucking bitch mode. There's always bitch. You know what it really is?

It's just six people bitch. And then I think it's like six million. So, I mean, I only have one thousand listeners. But that is the math on the internet. I had a producer of a show one time. He's like, well, like six people. That's really in the internet term. That's like 4,000.

Yeah. It's like, really? What is that based on? He was a moron. That's why I don't work with him. Yeah. But based on how many? If 10 people are listening to six people, bitch, it's not 4,000.

You know, I'm not good at math. There's something in the internet that was like one person equals. Hey, let me read this last, let me butcher this last one. We'll wrap this thing up here. Uh, Hulu plus everybody, you've probably tried Hulu.com. Hulu plus is so much more that with Hulu plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. Hulu plus lets you watch thousands of hit TV shows and movies in the living room or on

the go with your smartphone or tablet with Hulu plus. You can watch your favorite TV shows like SNL, Jimmy Kimmel, live, uh, Shark Tank and Scandal. Watch every episode of shows like lost, law and order, SVU, Doctor Who and community. How old am I? I don't even know half those shows. You can also check out exclusive content, including Hulu originals like the wrong man's and behind the mask, Hulu's new docu series, uh, that takes you inside the world of sports

of mascots behind the mask. I'm going to watch that. Uh, you also get access to a collection of ad free movies and kids content for only $7.99 a month, catch up on current shows, binge on old favorites or catch great movies, uh, stream as many TV and shows and movies as you want, wherever you want. I don't know what else, whatever else I got to tell you here. This stuff is great. Uh, make sure you use hulu plus.com slash bill.

So you get the extended free trial and that they know we sent you once again, it's hulu plus.com slash bill right now for your extended two free week trial. All right. There we go. Um, anyways, uh, that's been the podcast for this week. I know it's difficult when we have three, four guys in here and all that. So I hope we, uh, we didn't step on each other too much for people listening out here, but I'm really psyched for you guys.

And I know. First of all, I mean, everyone's just like amazed, you know, I mean, not amazed, but I mean, it's really a nice thing that you did. Hey, you know, put your name to give us a kick. You guys didn't read the fine print of the, uh, the tour. I'm going to own the rights to all your acts and, uh, podcasts. You can have it. I've been trying to sell my act for tonight, uh, tonight we're going to be down Largo.

We're going to give a great show. And then afterwards, uh, I brought some Cubans back from, uh, Canada. So over my house, over my house, you know, we'll get a lawhead of Shirley temple and the rest of us can drink a little, you know, I mean, it's just like, you know, you thought you'd, you'd hang out with some adults once in a while and you know, as soon as you said that we just gave it 30 looks, you know, 90 days. That's a good time. 89.

89 days. You might loosen your back up a little bit. No. I don't know, man. I heard it's good for it. The best man with backstreet, best thing, if you're not going to have like the real, real drugs, best thing is like three regular aspirin and a couple, couple big pops. Yeah.

Couple. Is that right? Yeah. Best thing for my day, I went in for it. I was so jacked up. They shot me with morphine. They put needles in my back and I'm going to tell you something. The guy was like, well, listen, he's, you know, I'm like, I can't take it.

And he was like, yeah, it'll be a while to fill the prescriptions. He's like, how do you feel about needles? I'm like, I don't like them, but I even had a drink in like 80 days. So stick me wherever. He's like, it's morphine. I'm like, please, have you ever had morphine shot India? Yes. Yes.

The greatest party in the world. I just did the greatest party I've ever had. It's instant. Like I had the morphine drip and when you have surgery, you just have a button and you get it. And it's just, it goes away. Like it's, it's, it's. I'd never.

I jam mine. No, you did. I did. It's a truth. You rang it. You rang it on Jeopardy with that thing. Alex Trebek was like, Joe Bartonik, no, no, I just, I need more morphine. I did.

Jam the fucking machine. I did. I jammed. I hit it so many times. That's hilarious. It only lets you like, cause it's just only supposed to do it every 12 minutes. Yeah. If you got like 12 minutes or you could kill you.

It's like your lighter's out of fluid. Like he just, he couldn't get a flame anymore. Now, wait a minute. What, that stuff, do you get high or do you just get numb? Oh, you get high as hell. You get high. High. Not numb.

It's not novocaine. That kind of Jesus high where you're just like, hi. Hi Jesus. Yeah. You're too, it's, it's, I never had had it before. All my life, 40 years and living plus, and I've never had morphine and that was awesome. I mean, I was like three hours just like, oh man. But I was in the car wreck three a month ago.

So they, my doctor was worried about me going to New York and walking around. So he shot me up and I was in the hospital with like four guys. We were all lined up. These old guys like war veterans were like, came back to cry and like their families were making fun of them. I went in there. My back's been so jacked. I've had so much shit done to me.

He's like, you don't feel that. You don't feel that. I'm like, no. No. No. I don't feel these. Wow. That's amazing.

I came back and they were like, you didn't feel nothing. I'm like, no. The guy's like, that's amazing. They're a machine. Yeah. Indestructible. You are Joe. You are.

You are. You're one of a kind. Well, the, the show is tonight at 8 30. I think there are actually, we've got about 10 tickets left that we're probably going to release around four o'clock if nobody else hits us up a ticket. So maybe you can grab some last second ones, but I'm psyched to be working. I don't think I've ever worked with all of you guys at the same time. No.

New years. We came close. Yeah. Bartnick, Lawhead, and Females. And then us three have done it. Yeah. And us three. Us three.

But never all of us. There we go. So there we go. The Four Horsemen. You can't make it tonight. If you're listening to San Diego, you guys got to give me a website where I can send these people as far as Madhouse comedy club.com is for San Diego. I know that's parlor live.com is there's helium pdx, I think that come for Portland.

And then punchline SF.com and then plus punchline S a C for Sacramento.com. Yep. Okay. And that's all for the first, the first, the West Coast leg of this tour. All right, guys. Thanks for coming down on the podcast. Thank you, man. That's on the studio.

Got a nice little studio. All things comedy. All things comedy. All right. It's all a piece of cake. All the best. You're a great host. Thanks for joining us today.

It's great to have you here with us tonight. I'm gonna spend some time with you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks to you. I'm gonna be happy to help you. Thanks. Thanks so much.

Thanks for coming. Bye. Thanks to you, too. Thanks to you. Bye. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks for watching. Thanks for wanna work with me today. Thanks to you. Thanks. Thank you!

Thanks. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Bye. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks so much. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks for watching. Thanks. Thanks for listening. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.