Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-4-21

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

Bill rambles about internet scams, Ben Franklin, and Buddha Bowls.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Shut it down. Shut it down. Taking some inventory here in March. I was trying to go like, all right, let me try like this, you know, these people, these plant-based diets, you know, these poor people fucking taking a shit every 20 minutes. You know, but their skin has cleared up, right? So I'll like, yeah, all right, I'll give this a try.

So I lasted, let's see, what's today? March 3rd. Today I had an Italian sandwich. I was gonna fucking, I don't know, I don't know what the fuck I was gonna do when I just said, ah, you know what, once a week, can I just eat an animal? You know, can I just do that? Can I just fucking, can I just have that? I had my little soda pop.

It's all I got left, right? It's all I got left. No, I'm gonna kind of, a little mushroom trip, you know, that really just made me think, oh no, this is not about the people around me. This is, this is how I feel about myself. So I'm gonna try to take care of myself, at least for the fucking month. We'll see, we'll see, without bringing you guys down or whatever. So I've been, you know, looking up plant-based dinners and shit, and it's really like, nutrition

is probably trying to figure out what the right answer is. You know, like I always, that fucking guy, I mean, God bless him, he's shredded, he looks like he's making a fucking ton of money, but he goes, cardio burns fat, right? No, cardio burns calories, and it's like, you could run seven miles a day, you're not gonna burn, yes you are, you are, you're gonna be fucking rail thin. Not saying you won't lose muscle too, but like, what's been fucking me over is no cardio. Cardio kept my stomach flat. I don't know what the fuck, and every fucking three days, it's just like, butter gives you

a heart attack, fucking drizzle as much as you can in your coffee. So I don't know what to believe, you know, and I'm not listening to some guy in the prime of his life who's shredded. I was shredded when I was fucking, you know, the first half of my twenties, I was shredded. Jesus Christ, you're in your twenties. I want to see a fucking 52 year old fucking bald ginger like me going, cardio burns fat, right? No, cardio burns fat, right?

No, right? I don't listen to that guy. I'm not gonna fucking listen to some guy with a full head of hair, not a gray hair on his head, it's like, I don't know who he's talking to, he ain't talking to me, all right? I want to listen to somebody who needs to stretch for 45 minutes so he can only fucking work out for six minutes, that's, you know, I miss Richard Simmons, you know, you just put on some candy stripe, he stayed in shape, didn't he? He used to be a fatty, look at him, put on his little peppermint shorts and he fucking

got the old ladies up out of their wheelchairs and then everybody felt a little better. I don't know, but I've been doing these band workouts, right? Oh God, I'm so fucking old. And I love them, I love them, they're great, my shoulders feel normal now, they feel actually like they're getting stronger, finally, I finally got to somebody who helped me crack the code here, so I'm just gonna sort of work my way up to that and I think that's what I'm gonna do for the remainder of my years is I'm just gonna do like band workout. It's actually not that bad, you throw some push-ups in there, a couple of setups, you

can do squats and shit like that and, you know, then you don't have to go to a gym, but I have to watch what I eat because I'm not doing cardio, no, I'm not doing cardio, so I'm not burning enough fucking calories. I need it, in my hope, like I look at my body, I'm like, yeah, that's what the fuck I need to do and then every fucking YouTube video I watch, this kid comes on shredded with a full head of hair and no gray hair telling me I don't need it, all right Bill, relax, okay, sorry, whatever, it's late in the fucking day, what do you want from me? I just watched the Bruins losing the shootout to the former Washington Capitals who look

like, you know, Islanders look good, but they look clearly like the best team in our division, we got them again on Friday and if you're into hockey fights, I would definitely watch Trent Frederick and Tom Wilson, Frederick is fucking hilarious, he was trying to fight Ovechkin, it was like, Ovechkin, I'm not fucking fighting you, but then he fucking kept cross-checking him and pissing him off, then finally Ovechkin like slashed him and he got him off the ice, you know, I think Frederick got two for interference and Ovechkin got two for roughing and you know, he did his job, he got one of the best players in the league off the ice and we traded that for Trent Frederick, so towards the end of the game, I think Tom Wilson let Frederick

know that there's gonna be repercussions for that action and I gotta tell you, that Frederick does not back down and he fucked with two of the toughest guys in the league, man, I mean, Ovechkin for a goal scorer, he fucking, some kid challenged him a few years ago and it was just a one punch scary knockout, okay, I don't know what, I mean, I'm gonna be watching that Frederick versus Wilson fight, I'm obviously a Bruin fan, I'm rooting for Trent Frederick, but I'm gonna watch that with fucking one eye shut because Wilson is no joke and just blatant disrespect to Ovechkin, that whole game, blatant disrespect, pissing him off, just fucking doing all of this shit and it's Wilson's job to make sure that that shit doesn't

happen as their enforcer, so there's the back story and the game is on Friday if you want to fucking check it out. I also watch my Celtics get a big win over the Clippers granted Leonard wasn't playing, but fucking Jalen Brown and Paul George just put on a fucking show. Effortless, effortless. I think that after the first quarter, I think both teams had like 35 points, they won pace to score like 140 points, I forget what it ended, they both ended, it was like 117, 115, but just a great game, big win for the Celtics, kind of was in this little bit of a losing streak there obviously since Marcus Smart has been out and I know that Leonard wasn't in, so but I'll take the fucking victory, the Celtics will take the goddamn victory. Oh, but getting back,

one of the things, if you're even listening to this because my fucking internet's been screwed up, you know, I love when you look up like, I try to look up internet scams, slow internet, and then the, you just scroll through page after page and all it does is tell you what you can buy to speed up your internet, these fucking pieces of shit. So then I had this look up internet provider find, and then I found what I was looking for, and that was that AT&T got fined, let me see if I can find it here, oh Christ, what the fuck was it, they got fined like, you know, 60 million in data throttling case, well it seems obvious it bears repeating that internet providers must tell people about any restrictions on the speed or the amount of data, I think they just turn it down at the

fucking office, they try to pull this shit where they're like, well if everybody's using it late at night, it's like everybody's using their cell phones, I can still fucking talk on mine, what kind of technology are you guys using, I don't buy it, but you know, there's no, I don't know whatever happened to the Better Business Bureau, they used to really go after people and it meant something back in the day, now I just think I just gotta, I just feel like calling up my provider and just being like, look, what the fuck amount of money do I have to give you now, so you let my internet work, you know, I'm doing podcasts here, I got no stand-up career left, like what the fuck am I supposed to be doing over here, can you just turn up the juice,

you know, I asked my friends or I'll do, you know, it's all about the router, you know, whatever, speaking of router, I had fucking Roto Rooter come over fucking the other day, Roto Rooter, that's the name, and if you fucking shit won't go down the drain, we'll come over, I forget how the song goes, right, they came over, it turns out I got fucking, I got tree roots, tree roots in one of the fucking, I don't know, pipes that leads out of the goddamn house, but God bless them, God bless them that they can stick something down there and actually with a camera, see what's going on down there, I can't imagine, Jesus Christ, you know, when they sit there and they talk about, you know, what happens if you watch porn, how bad it is for your

brain, can you imagine if you watch porn and you work for Roto Rooter, and you basically, you know, what do they call that procedure where they stick the camera up your ass, colonoscopy, you know, you're doing a colonoscopy on a fucking toilet, and you're going all the way down there and there's tree roots blocking stuff going, I mean, Jesus Christ, I mean, he probably saw, you know, there's probably shit down there that Ben Franklin took, you know, I don't know how old this goddamn house is, well, Ben Franklin was already dead, right, did he drink himself to death, doesn't it kind of look like Mario Batali, you know, except like more patriotic, hang on a second, let's see, Ben Franklin, Ben Franklin, Ben Franklin, let's see, he lived,

oh Jesus, he lived to be almost fucking 84 years old, wow, what a rich son of a, and he was a fat bastard too, great jeans, you know, he was confident in his shit with his fucking receding hairline and the long hair, he sort of had the hockey haircut, you know, on the sides, but up top, he looks like, if you put your thumb over where his long hair is, you're like, if you had to guess, you'd be like a count, is that Rudy Giuliani, you know, Benjamin Franklin, it was one of the founding fathers of the United States, apolly math, he was a leading writer, printer, politician, philosopher, this is like what a

blogger was back then, all the shit you had to learn how to do, the fuck is apolly math, apolly math, having learned much, is an individual whose knowledge spans a substantial number of subjects, known to draw on complete bodies of knowledge to solve specific problems, the earliest recording, recorded use of the term in English is from 1624, and the second edition of the anatomy of melancholy, what in the fuck is that, sounds like a smashing pumpkin album, the form polymathus is slightly older, so this is just a guy that knows a bunch of shit, it seems like Cliff Clavin, if you fly a kite deer with a key on it, let's see what this thing is, the anatomy of melancholy,

what the fuck is, I thought it was a book, the anatomy of melancholy, full title, the anatomy of melancholy, what it is with all kinds of causes, symptoms, oh they're trying to, people were bummed out, people were bummed out back then, what the fuck would you be bummed out about, a bear came in and ate your wife probably, if you were on the fucking, at least the food was fresh, if you could find some, on its surface, the book is presented as a medical textbook in which Burton applies his vast and varied learning, and the scholastic, scholastic, scholastic, scholastic manner to the subject of melancholy, which includes, although it's not limited to, what is now termed as clinical depression, wow,

how the fuck did I get to this on Ben Franklin, although presented as a medical text, the anatomy of melancholy is, I would like, if it isn't so fucking yee and all of this old English, is that a good book, I want to see what bummed people out back in the day, you couldn't shoot an arrow as straight as the other guy, so the chick you loved lifted up her giant fucking hoop skirt for somebody else, you had to put your horse down, wait, what the fuck did I go into that, founding fathers, a polymath, he was a leading, oh, I looked up polymath, that's what it was, do you guys remember, because I don't fucking remember how I got there,

oh, it was first recorded in the second edition of the anatomy of melancholy, you know, I think a lot of people who are like depressed and shit do read a lot of stuff, because you're trying to shut off all of that fucking chatter in your head, you know, until you do mushrooms and then you're confronted with it, oh, well, Billy Desert was not expecting that, I mean, I thought the fucking, you know, my socks were going to be talking to me, I didn't realize all my fucking childhood sadness was going to come to me, but I feel better, I do feel better, but I'm not going to be one of those douches who took fucking mushrooms and now thinks that I

understand the universe, is there anything worse than when somebody dumb takes mushrooms and then they try to talk to you afterwards, like whatever, now they're like some, like they're deeper, it's like, no, I understand, it's like, dude, you were tripping, you were tripping, relax, relax, stop talking about the vibrations and how we're all part of it, all right, you don't know what you're talking about, okay, you ate some shit that made your fucking brain do some somersaults, that you're now mistaking as thinking, you weren't thinking, you were, all right, whatever, let people have their fun, so I've been doing, I've been doing, you know, trying to eat better, so I wanted to do a couple of these vegetarian bulls, just,

you know, not because I give a fuck about animals, I do give a fuck about animals, but I still want to eat them too at the same time, does that make any sense? It's probably a, you know, abusive relationship, but I'm just doing it for vanity purposes, I just, I don't have time to fucking, you know, I just don't fucking gym to go to, right, so I was looking up plant-based dinners, so Buddha bowls comes up, like what the fuck is a Buddha bowl, so I look it up and it's basically this kind of amazing combination of all these different foods with different types of proteins and that type of shit, right, none of them meat-based, right, and I'm sitting there making it, and I'm like, you know, with all the overly sensitive fucking

people out there, how come Buddha bowls, you know, isn't Buddha like somebody else's Jesus, like saying, hey, you know, you want some protein, have some Jesus jerky, have some Muhammad marshmallows, right, like you wouldn't go, you wouldn't, you would never do that, you wouldn't do that with Jesus, you wouldn't do it with Muhammad, what is it about Buddha that Buddha does not get respected, is that because he's like so fucking chill, you know, as chill as Jesus was, he still got a hookah, so I mean, there was definitely, you know, he had an absentee father, right, his dad wasn't around. Oh my God, I never thought about that.

You know, if God is real, right, and I fucking, you know, when I die or whatever, and I'm going to get judged, I'm going to be like, all right, you got me on that one, that's another good, I knew you were going to bring that up, let me ask you this, hey, at least I was there to play catch with my kids, what the fuck were you, oh, I worked for six days, and then what'd you do, you put your feet up, you fucking knocked up somebody's wife, fucking, you would fucking judge me, of course I won't say that, but you know, it's fucking, none of it, none of it makes fucking sense, right, none of it fucking makes sense, you know what it is, life is about just trying not to be an asshole to other people,

and if you have kids, you just fucking hang out with them until they're sick of you, and then when they're sick of you, you give them their space, and you just hope that during those years, when they looked at you like you were their universe, that you gave them enough to navigate all the fucking assholes that they're going to meet, who had parents, who didn't play with them, you know, you know, it's cool, I added to my daughter's playlist, I'm slowly just adding to the playlist, I got her, she's now listening to Joan Jett, you know, which I think is really important when you have a daughter, you got to show her women doing shit, so she doesn't become one of

those women women who just sits there and watches guys do shit, you know, one of those chicks more worried about her nails than fucking achieving something, not saying you have to fucking achieve shit, but I'm just saying it's, you know, you open the door to say, hey, you know, you could fucking do this too, right? Like I said, somebody sent me this fucking video, those are these balloons on the wall, and this woman just fucking, I don't know what, I'm not into martial arts, I mean, I respect martial arts, but I don't know what the kicks are called, she fucking just goes bang, bang, bang, bang, and then there's one like up where your fucking head would be, and then she fucking kicked that one all by on one foot, and I showed that to my daughter, just shit like that,

I just think is important, some, you know, little girl playing drums, like doing shit, you know, I don't know, maybe I'm fucked up, but that's what I do, and then I try to teach them little things, my daughter's getting really close to being able to ride a bike, man, it's fucking amazing, it's fucking amazing, only four years old, I'd never been more wrong about something, the goddamn balance bike, it's genius, so of course I tried to go to, I took her from a balance bike to the bike that I bought her that had the pedals on, and now I'm realizing what I need to do is take the pedals off, just let her balance on that and just teach her the hand brakes next, and I remember that, it's like all about like the same way you learn how to fly a helicopter,

they don't just don't give you all, you know, here's your fate is your fucking right hand and left hand, go ahead, good luck, they don't do that, it's one, you know, control at a time, just do the collective, they let you do that for a little while, you get used to that, okay, now you're just gonna do the pedals, you do that, okay, now I'll do the pedals and you do the cyclic and the collective, and then you just, then one day you're doing the whole thing, and you're not even thinking about it, so I kind of got to go like that way with it, but she is a friggin' speed demon, and is not afraid, it's almost, scares me how like little fear she has, and she's fallen a few times, and she still just fucking gets after it, man, it's, I'm really proud of her, but like,

I'm also scared to death, so, and it's really fucking with my back when she gets on the real bike to make sure she doesn't fall down, I gotta like bend down, just at that perfect angle where it's, you just, your lower back's like, oh, we're gonna be talking to you tomorrow morning, yes, we will be, all right, but anyways, get back to the Buddha bowls, whatever, the veggie bowls, I'll call them, just in case, in eight minutes, this becomes a thing you can't say anymore, and then somebody posts this fucking thing, and then people start running their fucking yaps, whatever the fuck they're gonna do, who gives a shit, anyway, let me do some advertising here, but I'm gonna start, if anybody knows like some good recipes and shit,

like I actually stumbled upon a website that says, click here to go directly to the recipe, which is incredibly, incredibly fucking considerate, I just don't want to sit through your whole childhood story, I just don't want to do that, so of course, I can't find where that fucking website is, but if you guys have any, any good ideas for that, you know, because here's the deal, I'm never gonna go veggie, like, I mean, I can't lay off a steak, I mean, I fucking love a steak, I love a pork chop, you know, I kind of like it all, right, but I also know that I need to like, some big study just came out showing if you eat all these vegetables and stuff, like how much better it is for you, and I'm a fucking old dad, so I

have to do it, so if you guys have any good recipes on some shit like that, let me know, all right, let's do a, let's do a read here, but for some reason, I don't have the name of the read, the name of the advertiser, is that what I'm trying to say? What the fuck is it? Oh, here we go, stitch fix, you know people, online shopping can be daunting, you know what, the first time in my life, I'm gonna look up that word, is that intimidating? You know those fucking words, people just, they use it as sentence, so you kind of know what it means, and then every once in a while, you'll try it out, and then you kind of look at it, people like, did I, did I use it right? Seemingly difficult to deal with and anticipate, intimidating, all right, I got it, beautiful,

daunting, online shopping can be daunting, you never know if things will fit, returns are difficult, and you don't even know what store to start with, this season, let's stitch fix do all the work, as the day, I like how they just, just really just sort of beat you down, didn't they? Hey, let's be on stitch fix, hey, let's be honest, you don't know what the fuck you're doing, you're intimidated, hey, hey sweetheart, let us handle it, as the days get longer, and the weather gets colder, it may be time to take, well, this copy, they're gonna have to change soon, I mean, there's some daylight savings coming up, I thought daylight savings used to be in April, well, they switched it back, anyway, it may be time to take a look at your winner wardrobe,

if you want to make a change this season, stitch fix can help you choose new places you'll love, if your go-to outfit in 2020 has become sweatshirts, 2020, if your go-to outfit was in 2020, sweatshirts or yoga pants, you may be feeling like you're in a style rut, let's stitch fix help you feel excited about what you're wearing, did you just look over your current cold weather wardrobe options and get a chill, it's time to ditch that old sweater and upgrade that jacket, a stitch fix personal stylist can help you pick new pieces that are timeless, stitch fix offers clothing hand selected by expert stylists for your unique size, style and budget, every piece is chosen for your fit and your life and it's easy, it's an easy solution to finding what makes you

look and feel your best, oh man, I remember, this is why you need stitch fix, I remember one time I made some money in this business finally and I was freezing my ass off and I had enough money, I'm gonna go out and go buy a new winter coat, so I went to fucking Macy's and there was this coat, right, had it, you know, the classic winter coat had that bright orange on the inside and on the outside it was light brown and I thought it looked pretty sharp, right, and I bought this fucking thing, I don't think I ever got so much shit and it was brand new so I couldn't throw it out, I remember this, this, this woman that I like just looked at me, she's like, damn Bill, that is an ugly ass coat, I'm like, really, I just bought it, you know, now it's like I gotta keep this thing

for fucking at least three winners, you know, I don't have money to just keep buying all these fucking coats, you know what I wish back then there was a stitch fix, you get to try on pieces at home before you buy, keep your favorites and send back the rest, stitch fix has free shipping, free shipping, easy returns and exchanges and a prepaid returned envelope is included, you just try this shit on, whatever you like, you keep whatever you know, you throw it back in the envelope and it goes right to them, it's done, it's done, there's no subscription required, that's great, try stitch fix once or set up automatic deliveries, you'll pay just $20 styling fee for each box which gets credited toward pieces you keep and there's no hidden fees ever,

stitch fix, why am I so tired, stitch fix has styles and clothing to, you know why Bill, because you're not eating any meat man, stitch fix has styles and clothing to fit any occasions for women, men and kids, they ship all over the US and are available in the UK as well, get started today at stitchfix.com slash MMP and you'll get 25% off when you keep everything in your fix, that's stitchfix.com slash MMP for 25% off when you keep everything in your fix, stitchfix.com slash MMP, so that's what you do, dude, keep everything in it and what you don't like, fucking sell it online, was I not supposed to say that, well I did, oh this guy's dangerous, what's he gonna say next, you ever heard a guy so sleepy yet still so dangerous, that's my new

character, he had a boot of bull and he's getting sleepy, anyway, what else, what the fuck else do I want to talk about, yes I will say this though with that that little fucking excursion I did out there in the desert, that was definitely a, I don't know, that was definitely, it was a good thing, as much as it like bummed me out, like as I was coming down, I was even thinking of my kids and I was still feeling like that profound loneliness and not being loved, so I was like, I was able to be like, all right, well I know that's bullshit, so this has to be, oh this is how I felt growing up, I get it now, I get it, yeah, I felt like a freak, you know what I mean,

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder talking about fucking, you know, Ebony and Ivory, right, I'm just sitting there going, what if you're orange? What happens if you're orange, do I get to live in harmony? Whatever, it was definitely interesting, so tonight, two times I got offered desserts and I said I can't eat that stuff, I'm fucking locked in, Solaris, my daughter had this little peppermint, I don't know where she got it, it looked like, it wasn't like a junior man, I don't know, it looked like a little fucking, it was like the size of a quarter and she knew after she was done eating that that she had to go to bed and she was taking the tiniest fucking bites out of it

and I was going, you have to finish that to go to bed, I know what you're doing and if you're just sitting there laughing at me, she goes, no dad, I'm going to eat it up and then she would take a tiny bite and then just start cracking up laughing, she has such an amazing, amazing sense of humor and yeah, so I got her into Joan Jett now and we pulled up to the school and that song, you know what part she likes, because I sort of acted it out, now she likes doing it, he was with me, yeah me and I point with my thumb, point back at myself, she likes doing that now, so she, I got her into the song and now when I pulled up to the school, the song just came on and she was like, dad, I want to stay in the car until the song's over and I was just so awesome,

because I used to always do that, you know, some song that I fucking loved was on and I was just like, I don't give a shit, I'm gonna be late for work, I need to stay in the car, listen to this song and fantasize that I'm in the band, you know, so I can feel good about myself, so I can go in and do this fucking job I hate for the next eight hours, right, so I don't know, it's cool and then my wife has a completely different taste in music, so when she rides with her, so I think she's gonna get a nice, you know, nice mix of music there, we shall see, we shall see, all right, oh hey, my drum teacher Davey Litch gave me a really cool, my drum lick to work on, all right, for all you drummers out there,

it's right left, both accented, it's a paradiddle-diddle, right, right left, right, right, left, left, and then kick, kick and then you can start it any way you want, just like a paradiddle, you can start on whatever note you want and just, you know, on one, you can do whatever, wherever you want to start it and it's fucking fun as shit and if you're just playing singles and doubles, you know, with some accents and stuff and then you throw that lick in like two times in a row and come back, you actually sound like you know what the fuck you're doing, so give that a try, all right, that's it, that is the podcast, please enjoy the music picked out by the always wonderful Andrew Thamelis and then we'll have a bonus half hour of Thursday afternoon just before Friday,

Monday morning podcast that happened, I don't know, a couple years ago, that is it, all right, everybody, is Joe Biden still president? It feels weird to have a fucking president where it's this quiet after fucking four years of people pulling their goddamn hair out, like I love the guy, he's fucking Jesus, he came back, oh my god, or like, he's like the worst fucking thing I've ever seen, everything's just sort of like, yeah, you know, it's kind of funny the president's name is Joe, just like the classic regular name, Joe Sixpack, Joe Blow, Joe Biden, Joe Biden, we'll see how he does, I root for everybody, I root for the home team, I'm an American, I root for him, all right, that's it, go fuck yourselves, have a great weekend, you can't sit,

I'll talk to you about it. lost my sense of direction you can see all of this and worse but if I ever lose my faith in you there'd be nothing left for me to do hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 4th, 2013, how you doing? How's it going? You like this? Is it up early? I hope it is, because I'm recording it on Sunday night right after watching the Bruins lose to the Canadians, let's get that out of the way, congratulations Canadians, you guys, Canadian fans, you guys

deserved to win the game, fucking Bruins, Jesus Christ, you had the game and you blew it, oh my god, they played like just fucking morons, they played like they just fucking played right into the Canadians hands, we were up three to two, for all you don't watch, watch hockey, we were up three to two, and even though it was three to two, we were carrying the play and we had commanded the game and then the Canadians started getting chippy, we fell right into it, fell right, oh I got a good idea, Chara take a fucking game misconduct, there you go, that'll help the effort, I gotta admit with nine minutes left I shut it off, once it was four to three, I just shut the fucking thing off, I was like it's you gotta understand with the Bruins

when Chara is not on the ice, it's like we pulled half our goaltender, that's how important he is, he plays half the fucking game, that was just the worst, some fucking, who gives a fuck player, cross checks Sagan at the ice, all right, whatever, you know, you don't like to see it, but you fucking go at it, can they take the helmet off, what if they take the helmet off and then they start throwing punches at that point, do you still get the game misconduct, I just don't understand how, I just don't understand why you would do that, why would you, you just basically gave them a 20 minute power play in the fucking third period for the simple fact that one of the best defensemen

in the league and the best guy we have and all the icy eats up, he's not even gonna be out there, very stupid, very stupid, the Canadians are a much better team than they were last year, it was a great game, the Canadians didn't play the trap so it was fucking awesome hockey and I was surprised with the amount of fucking Canadian fans giving me shit on Twitter who don't even know what the fucking trap is, I thought you guys came out of the womb with skates on, you know, go on YouTube, they'll show you what the fuck it is, you'll, I don't know why they stopped playing when they played the penguins either, that was seven to six, it was a fucking awesome game, up and down the ice they went,

that's what I like, you know, you know what's the one sports fan that I can't stand is the fucking person who complains about some shit and then when his team does it, he goes what, I don't give a shit, you know, that's like what the Canadian fans are doing with the fucking trap, like they weren't crying was he, with boredom when they watched the devils trap their way to fucking three cups, with those not the more, other than Stevens was a great player to watch, but other than, I know a lot of people think he's dirty or whatever, but I love that guy, but other than that, I mean, Jesus Christ, I mean, it was like, I mean, it was almost the end, it was literally almost the end of the sport, the whole fucking game, one team would skate to about

mid ice, they dumped the puck in and the goal tenor could skate over the corner, you know, try to wrap it around the boards, the goalie could come over and stop it in the corner, then the defense would bring it up to fucking ice, oh my God, God forbid, the other team was playing it too, and then they'd fucking try to dump and chase, they called it, it was, it was almost the end of the league and the fucking NHL for some reason, NBA is smart enough to be like, all right, guys are too big, they're too fast, at the end of the day, this sport is supposed to entertain fans, and I don't watch enough hoop, but I know that there's illegal defenses in hoop, for the fucking life of me, I don't understand why the NHL just goes, hey, listen guys, stop playing

that shit, all right, just fucking play the way they used to play, you know, and let's have some nice rushes and that type of shit going up and down the ice, a couple of fights or whatever, and let's get the fuck out of here, is that too hard, is that too hard, are you really going to fucking go up one goal and then sit back on your own fucking blue line away from you, I'll tell you to make a mistake, I don't know, I don't fucking know, but I'm really, really disappointed in the Bruins for playing just right into their fucking hands, sitting there like an old man screaming at the TV, no, don't do that, get back to the bench, what are you doing, why would you do that, I think last time I saw Charifite, I think I believe last time I watched it was in Buffalo,

and he was just in the box for five fucking minutes, and we immediately became like, you know, we look like a 500 team, it's not as bad now because we got some other guys back there on defense, but jeez, it's fucking Christ, so I gotta be honest with you, I don't know what to take away from that game, because I can't really say that we saw the Canadians because Price wasn't in net, and you know, and then Charif takes that stupid fucking penalty, so he didn't play a third of the game, I don't know, I still think we're a better team, so I feel good, and I look at Montreal now, they look like a second round of the playoffs gonna get bounced out, which will make me happy, then that'll be 22 seasons, 21 years without a cup,

and just with every year, they look more and more like Matthew McConaughey and dazed and confused, like it's fucking over and they don't realize it yet, you know, I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, they still walk around arrogantly, Canadian fans do, like living off of like, you know what they're like at this point, they're like trust fund kids, you know, like their grandfather made all the money, and now they're riding around this Maserati they're like interest paid for, and they're looking at you like there's some sort of success, and you're looking like dude, you haven't done shit, you haven't done shit in your life, what are you puffing your chest out for, you know, wearing your high school jacket with all

your grandfather's accomplishments written up and down the fucking sleeves, do you remember that championship they won back in 1958, you don't, you cunt, seriously, you know, I'll take shift from Canadian fans that are like my age, because I don't know that they remember the Patrick Wah championships, but these punks in their 20s, right up to the early 30s, you guys can all go fuck yourselves, because I know you don't remember anything, even last time the Canadians won it, you were upstairs in your lid jam jams, you know, getting ready to have some dreams, so go fuck yourselves, all right, with your most overrated run of championships, oh, let's start an argument here, I'll ask you guys this, what do you think, and I already congratulate the

Canadians for winning, right, did I do that, so I'm not being a total cunt here, I just love shitting on them, what do you think is the most overrated, overrated collection of like, you know, championships, the Celtics, the Boston Celtics, the 11 that they won in the 1960s, the New York Yankees, or the Montreal Canadians, I would put them in this order, I would say Canadians top of the list, then I would say Celtics, and then I would say Yankees, you know, and this is what, okay, the Canadians dominated a six team league and they had first choice of every French-born Canadian player for like the first fucking 50 years, it's like they had their own lottery draft every fucking year, all right, and not to mention, there's five other teams,

I mean, give me a fucking brilliant, you went on a run, holy shit, how did you do that, you know, then I would say, I would say the only reason why I'm putting the Celtics next is because the Yankees basically had Jordan, they were such a good front office that they grabbed the Jordan three generations in a row, you know, I mean, we gave them fucking Babe Ruth like assholes, because we wanted to have a musical, I think people should sing too, right, so we give them Babe Ruth, but they had Lou Gehrig, they went from Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, to fucking Joe DiMaggio to Mickey Mantle, I don't think you're ever gonna see that again, that would be like if one team drafted, you went Dr, the Sixers got Dr. J, and then they

fucking drafted Michael Jordan, and then they drafted like Kobe Bryant or LeBron, like within like, what is that, like 30 years, within 30 years, from the 1920s to the 1950s, they had that, so I put the Celtics second, because I don't know, I guess it was a newer league, well the league started in the 40s, but it was still the 1960s, it was still, it was Will Chamberlain, but all those championships back then though, the amazing thing about it was, like the amazing argument, it's like okay, well it's just still down, so there's, the talent level obviously should have been higher, I guess, but for some of you youngsters out there, like back in the day when you won the pennant in baseball, there was so few teams, I should have done my research, I used to know this

shit, there was like literally like maybe seven teams in each league, so it was basically winning the pennant, was having the best record at the end of the regular season, that was winning the pennant, and if you had the best record in the American League, you immediately went to the World Series, there was no wild card, no divisional series, and then the fucking ALCS, you immediately, you went to the World Series, so basically after you won all those games in the regular season, you had to win four more, and I think that that's why you saw teams go on, I don't know, I think that that's why you saw like a Yankees, a Celtics, or a Canadian thing, where they could go on runs, because there was so, there was way fewer teams, and you had,

and even like the playoffs, playoffs was so much shorter, like I was talking to my buddy Lawhead, he said yeah, the amount of times that the Cleveland Indians won over a hundred games, and they didn't even make the playoffs, because the Yankees had a couple more wins, and you know, the playoffs go, anybody can fucking win, you have a bad day or a bad couple of games, next thing you know, you bounced out in the first fucking round, or a hundred wins go right down the toilet, that didn't happen back then, so I will be interested to hear, I mean I think obviously just the sheer number of teams, and then that unbelievably ridiculous advantage that the Canadians had, that they had first choice of every French-born Canadian player, you know,

I mean what the fuck, but anyways, anyways, going, and I promise you this, that the Bruins ever start playing the trap, I will immediately stop watching them, because I like the game of hockey, I don't like watching it being suffocated, all right Bill, you've made your goddamn point, how long did I talk about hockey, and I can guarantee you there's no women left listening to this fucking thing, 11 minutes, does it sound all right, I'm back to my old contraption here, I bought yet another memory card, somebody on Twitter told me that the lovely Zoom H4N recorder could only take one that had 32 gigabytes or some shit, so I went out and I bought one of those, and I stuck it in there, and they said that there was nothing in there, so I don't know,

if I had a fish tank that's where this recorder would be at the bottom of it, because it kind of looks like one of those castles that the goldfish swim in and out of, all right, let's get on with the podcast, this is the Monday Morning podcast everybody, I'm actually in a great fucking move despite the fact that my Bruins lost, remember I was telling you how Titus showed me how to, well basically did the job, and then just stood over my shoulders, I did the other one, we converted my front brakes from drum brakes to disc brakes, so I've had those drum brakes in my garage saying that I was going to put those motherfuckers together, and they'd just been sitting there mocking me, every time I'm walking by like what's up bitch, what's up bitch, what Titus

isn't here to fucking hold your hand, you little fucking pussy, every time I saw them, they were bugging me, so I went on the internet there, I went to Amazon.com, that's what I did everybody, right through the Bill Burr website and the podcast page, I clicked on it, I actually got money kicked back to me that I'm going to kick onto the troops, and I bought the kit to help you put the fucking springs on and all that shit, so underrated for this week, actually having the tools for the job that you need, because I watched all these guys, these weekend warriors going like, there's a special tool for this, but if you don't have it, you know, needle nose pliers will work, get yourself a screwdriver, and no, go out and get

the fucking things that you need, and I actually got them all together, I think I fucked up one of the springs, I think one of them, because when I got to the last spring that was left, it didn't seem like it fit right, so I'm going to bring it down to the guy who works on my truck normally, and have him show me how to fucking do it, but I was psyched, I put a picture up of what I have done so far, I got it basically three quarters done, and I have some extra parts, some clips and a couple of screws, so I'm like 80% there, and I don't know, I think I breathed in a bunch of asbestos too, I didn't realize, actually I did, and I was like, I'm outside, I'm fine, and then I've got this weird, I already had a scratchy feeling in my throat, I thought I was

catching a cold, but now it feels like an asbestos-y kind of cold, but anyways man, I'm psyched, I'm going to get these fucking things together, because remember that carburetor I told you, I took apart, and I was going to rebuild it, I went nuts, I took the whole fucking thing apart, right down to those little flat, it was a four barrel, right down on those little flapper things, I know what you call them, but I took them out, and now they won't fit back in, because I think all the years of it just being so hot, they were a little warped, I can't get them back in, so if anybody knows where I can buy those parts, I don't mean like a rebuild kit, I have all that shit, I need the actual parts to the carburetor, and it's making me sick every time I look at it,

because that's literally the first thing I have to put back together, and I can't get them, I can't get them to fit, so if anybody knows where I can order that shit, I'd appreciate it, all right, all right, what the fuck am I talking about this week? I went to go look at a story on the internet that I somehow missed, because I've been traveling so much, and one of the advertising, the advertising before the little YouTube video was, oh before I forget, I'm going to post the YouTube video of this southern dude, who was doing the drum brakes on his buddy's Mustang, that actually taught me how to do it, the guy's a fucking riot, he knows what he's doing, but he's drinking the whole time, and every time he takes a sip, he goes cheers, and he just, he filmed it

in real time, so he fucked up a couple of times, had to take some shit off, he just put some shit on too soon or whatever, and then kind of had to go back and forth, but just watching a guy, he just left the camera on, it was really great, so if you're ever thinking of doing it, if a dumb ass like me can figure it out, sort of, you know, I'm not looking a lot of you, I had some extra parts, but after tomorrow, when I go down the garage, the guy's going to show me what I did wrong, and I'm going to have it down, I'll do the other one, and then I know how to do it, so I'll definitely post that video, and so anyways, this advertising comes on right before this new story that I somehow missed, and it shows this guy out on a lake

on a jet ski or something like that, and these two ladies are sitting on the bench, on the beach, I mean, and they go, she goes, so one of the ladies says to the woman who's married to the guy on the jet ski, so does he still keep it in the driveway, and she's like, not anymore, you know, and like now that it's like in storage, it was basically an advertisement for storage, right, so of course, you know, these storage companies, they're basically advertising to fucking ladies out there, because what do women do the second you get married to them, you know, they take over the fucking house, and all your shit ends up out in the garage, and if there's anything that sits in the driveway, how long before they want you to sell it,

you know what I mean, did they give a fuck that it's the last fucking flame flickering in your heart, you know, something you have a passion for an old car, you want to fix up a fucking jet ski, right, and this fucking woman is sitting there gloating, these guys out on the lake having the fucking time of his life from this goddamn jet ski, she sees how much he enjoys it, does she give a fuck, no, it's a fucking eyesore to her, I really don't understand how women have like that motherly thing, where they're like these absolute angels, and at the same fucking time, they're like these, I don't know what they are, what is the fucking word, it's not like a leech, they're like these, I don't know, what is that old thing where a cat sleeps on your chest,

it steals your life breath or something like that, or is that when you hold the milk in front of your mouth and a fucking tapeworm comes out, I can't, there's something, there's something, somewhere in there, yeah somewhere in there, there's a reference that would have been funny three minutes ago, sorry, I just don't understand it, that's why Nia's the shit, Nia doesn't give a fuck, I got my drum stuff, my guitar stuff, she knows I'm a big kid, and she lets me have it, she's never said, oh why don't you take your shit and put it in storage, you know, but all these fucking women they show in these advertisements and all these fucking sick arms and shit, I don't know, I just don't understand it, why, why, you know at the end of the day,

you know who's fault it is, it's the fucking guy in the Jetski, you know, when she's sitting there breaking his fucking balls, there's a great line that you can use when you're just sick of your woman, she's just crossed too many lines and she's on a fucking roll and she's going and nothing too, you got that Jetski out there, my mother's coming to town and taking up all the space, we need room for a car, she's on a fucking roll, there's a great simple thing that you can say to them, you know, to make them stop, it's basically this, all right, all right, all right, that's what you do when then you sit in the awkward silence, so you're yelling at me now, yeah I am, why are you doing that, because you're fucking annoying me, don't curse at me, I'm not

cursing at you, I'm cursing because I'm angry, it's my fucking Jetski, I enjoy it, I like going out in the fucking lake doing little loop-de-loose, a little docy-dough, whatever the fucking slang is on Jetski's, I like doing it, okay, and I don't have to haul my ass all the way down to the fucking storage shed on the other side of town, every time I feel like taking a lap around the lake, why don't we put some of your fucking shoes down there, how about that, some, no, no, shut up, well you're talking when I'm talking, that's why that fucking word exists, you shut your face lady, all right, my Jetski goes down to the fucking storage center, so does some of your shoes, fucking only my Jetski, only my shit goes down there, what kind of fucking lopsided trade is this,

like I'm dismantling the team of my life, go fuck yourself, you gotta give somebody else too, give somebody else, up, there we go, see that, that's why, you know, I don't know if this kind of shit's gonna cause me to live longer, I'd die earlier, but literally that's what a 14 second advertisement can fucking do to me, I get upset at this hypothetical fucking relationship, and this guy who's on this Jetski and goes into a green screen storage door, I don't know, if there's any women who still listen to this, can you please answer me like two things, what do you have against the guy you're with having fun without you, and two, what is it that guys do, what is the male equivalent to doing that, because I know we balance each other out at this point,

okay, but I'm a guy, so I only see, you know, I'm like a Homer announcer, I only see the fucking offenses that are on my side, you know, that affect me, but really just the way they said, no, he fucking is going across the street, oh fuck you, he should have just revved that engine and just fucking ran right over, nice propeller to the fucking cleavage, that's disgusting, anyways, anyways, you know what, I think that's a good time, that's a nice setup for some advertising this week, oh geez, geez, 22 minutes in some, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, some weeks it's easy, some weeks it's hard, it seems like it's going to be an easy one, all right, let's do the thing here, oh Christ, where is it, where have you gone, Billy boy, Billy boy, all right, here we go,

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And my hair was orange. Is it any, is it any wonder? I ended up doing this shit, talking to myself in the basement of my fucking home. Oh, by the way, I finally got the roof put on my house. Loving life. That's one of those things that you absolutely love when your girl could give a fuck about. I'm standing up there, you know, just staring at it, talking to Neil, look at it. Look at the fucking top paper, right? She could give a shit. She's like, yeah, you know, it's nice, it's all right. It's going to keep it like 15 degrees cooler. We used to have the black, now it's a white, now it's white, you know, it's going to reflect light rather than attracting. Do you understand what's going on? Yeah. That's tar paper. All right, stamps.com everybody.

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that stamps.com enter Burr. And there we go. There we go. Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Won't you come home? That's what I would be singing. Everybody else was singing, you know, like sweet emotion and I'm walking around going roll out the barrel. We'll have a barrel of fun. We got it, Bill. You'll listen to a bad record. All right. So anyway, it was a new story that I suddenly somehow missed out on. I've been living a very cavernous life recently. I've been really busy. So I've missed out on a lot of stories. How the fuck did I miss out on this? And Jim Norton actually did a bit about this on the Patrice O'Neill benefit. And I missed it because I was in the back somewhere making sure, freaking out, making sure everybody had food and

all that. I never arranged one of those things before. So I was like that fucking nerd who had a party and was worried that no one was going to show up or they'd show up and say that it sucked. I guess he did a story on this. It said a man charged with slapping a toddler on a Minneapolis to Atlanta flight is out of a job. This guy got up and he slapped a baby and the baby was African American and he dropped the N word. I mean, I've been trying to figure like that's got to be like as far as ending your career. That's like just, I mean, I don't know how you could have done it any better. Like if you truly just wanted to get fired, I mean, you could have stopped with slapping a baby. That is just, I mean, that is just, I can't, can you fucking, you haven't been on a

plane and the baby starts crying. I always get blown away by people who get annoyed by it. I always find it funny and relatable. Like when I hear a baby start crying, I just think like, I just, I'm jealous of the freedom of it because I want to do that too. Like how great that would be. Just anytime it just life started to suck, you could just do that, you know, how, oh my God, it's really verse, Paul Versey has a bit just, I gotta stop. Paul Versey has a bit just like this. Wait, I gotta stop here. Go see Paul Versey for the rest of this fucking ideas. Oh my God accidentally almost stumbled into that one. But I've always felt that though. Can you fucking believe going up and slapping forget the whole racial thing just standing up.

I mean, we've all had a couple of drinks. We've all said some things, you know, how many fucking drinks do you have? Your brain goes, why don't you go over there and slap that baby in the fucking head? I could see if you were driving by and there was a baby standing on the street corner and you took the plates off your car. I could see in your drunk mind thinking that you were going to get away with that. But this guy, if you did that in the mall, it would be over. This guy does it on a plane. There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go. You know, you know what? When they make the sequel to like snakes on a plane, this is what it should be. It should be Sam Jackson as a baby and some racist white guy slaps him in the face

and calls him the N word. And then it just sets him on that guy's actually part of the Illuminati. I'm just throwing shit against the wall. That guy's part of the Illuminati. And the reason why he's on a commercial airline flight is maybe he got a little too out of control at the last secret meeting. He didn't do the handshake right, you know, and as a punishment, he actually had to fly commercial like first class. And it's actually, it's a baby Sam Jackson. And it's whatever, snakes on a plane, snakes meeting like the Illuminati, like that piece of shit. Snake's on a plane part two. And then the tag is you just slapped the wrong motherfucker. I'm sorry, sometimes this shit's just funny to me. But oh, and then he drops the N word. I mean,

Jesus, I mean, this guy is just like, it's just as far as evil, it would be like, I can't even imagine it would be like getting eaten by a snake and a shark at the same time, like it wouldn't be possible. Like the level of evil that is in that man's heart, you know, Jesus Christ, I'm trying to like, he's a 60 year old guy from Idaho. And I even think the 60 is too young at this point to still be dropping the N word. You know, you get somebody at this point, let's see, 60 years old, you were, well, it's, you know, now you were born in the fifties. Come on, man. You're born at the fifth. You should know better. All right. Even white guy in the middle of nowhere, you should know better. So I feel like the,

the, the white person dropping the N word kind of shit, even though I know there's a bunch of hate groups out there. I'm just talking to the average every day, Joe just on a fucking plane, saying that type of shit. That's like, you know, at this point, I think you were born in like the twenties and the thirties, maybe the forties. Me, Bill Clinton was in the forties, right? He's playing saxophone on our senior hall. I don't even did the cool handshake, right? White people have come a long way. This guy just set white people back. The only thing that's saved it is an old white guy. And I think people always just look at old people as like they were born in the 1800s. At least I do. Maybe that's me because I'm going to be 45 this year. And I just realized that I'm

15 years away from being 60 years old. And you know what? I'm all right with that. You know, I'm eating salads. I'm doing pull-ups. Go fuck yourself. All right. It's not like I'm aging any quicker than anybody else. We all, listen, we all get a day older every day. Okay. Now the great thing about being my age is if the fucking, we get hit by an asteroid, I got 45 years in. All right. You only got 20 something, but they're, they're great 20 years, your first 20. Now they think of it. You didn't have to deal with a bunch of other shit, did you? I don't know, but let's, this, this is kind of gone off the rails here. So I apologize. Like I've really missed out on a bunch of stories. I don't,

I just kind of obviously, as you can tell from the first 11 minutes of this podcast, all I do is watch hockey and then try and put together auto parts while breathing in asbestos. Um, and battled Scottish Cardinal O'Brien, Cardinal O'Brien apologizes for my sexual conduct. You know, I'm getting sick of people apologizing for shit and they dance around. This guy basically, to use my new word, he buggered some kids. All right. He took out his holy cock, Olio and stuck it in their fucking, uh, uh, what the fuck was Jesus born in a shed? What do they always call it? You know, I always around Christmas. I remember what it's called. What was he born in a barn, but they give it some biblical, what's the name for a biblical barn?

I don't give a fuck. Anyways, it says a Scottish Cardinal who had earlier, earlier challenged allegations of his sexual impropriety claims that once again, claims that once again, shined an international spotlight on the alleged sexual abuse evolving, involving Roman Catholic clergy, reverse course Sunday. And the guy apologized. This is how he apologizes for basic, for as far as I can tell, fucking children in the ass. He said, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and Cardinal. In recent days, certain allegations which have been made against me have become public. Initially,

their anonymous and non-specific nature led me to contest them. To those I have offended, I apologize and ask forgiveness to those I've offended. You know, I've been lucky enough in my life to have never been unwontedly fucking banged in the ass by a fucking priest. But I don't, I think I can be empathetic enough and say that if this was happening at no point, would I be turning around going, you know, that's what you're doing is really offensive. I find this, you know, what the fuck. When you apologize, you should have to say what the fuck you did. And if you're going to talk like this, there should be somebody obnoxiously yelling off the mic like what you did. Like during this apology, you should have been like, I wish to

take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest. Yeah, and as a fucking human being, you're not supposed to fuck kids. In recent days, certain allegations, fucking of children, which have been made against me have become public. About fucking time. Initially, their anonymous and non-specific nature led me to contest them. How many different ways do we gotta have explained it? You took your fucking dick, you put it in their ass. You get the point. Good Lord, to those I have offended, to those you raped, you're a fucking rapist. And like, he tries to tie in the fact that he's a priest.

Like below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal. So like, what, if you were a pope, that was okay? Or is it because you never became a pope? So this guy's basically been diddling kids ever since he got into that fucking hurry. How is that thing still in business? It's just fucking beyond me. Anyways, so that's the news for this week, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. Let's get on with some sort of, what have we got here? Did I talk about everything I want to talk about? Yeah, I think I did. All right, cool. All right, new girl. Hey, Bill. Love you, Cuomity. And just wanted to ask a clarifying question. My guy always gives me crap for watching the show New Girl. Due to the fact that he thinks the show is ridiculous, he refuses

to believe that you did a spot on it. Can you please verify whether or not you were on a show as Nick's cousin? I know you're a busy guy, but I listened to your podcast and know that you respond personally to emails, which is great. I can neither confirm nor deny that. That is top secret information and I'm not allowed to talk about it. But chances are good. Yeah, I did an episode of that. I did an episode of it two weeks ago. Does that help you win your argument? Will that make your boyfriend like the show more? I doubt it. He thinks the show is ridiculous. So he refuses to believe that I did a spot on it. Well, tell him this, I did a spot on it and everybody in the show was fucking hilarious. And I had a great time. And I also got to work with Nick Krull,

who had me dying laughing between every take. I was laughing like a school girl. So I had a great time on the show. It's unfortunate your boyfriend can't enjoy the show. But do you know what? That's why there's other shows. But I actually liked how your boyfriend views me that I am big enough to actually turn down acting work. Have him one day sit down and read my IMDB page and eight seconds later when he's finished, I would do a pilot of a show that was ripping off Sesame Street and I would play the lower half of Big Bird at this point. I don't give a fuck. So if I get to be on a hit show like that, I had absolutely had a great time. I had a great time on that show. And you know, just tell you, boy, Freddie doesn't have to watch it. All right. Hey,

Bill, I'll keep this short. But my wife of three years cheated on me back in July. Oh, Jesus. Well, she did it three years in. Please don't have any kids. Please don't have any kids. Please don't have any kids. After telling her that I wanted to work things out. She fucking left me for another dude in November. Not even a dude she cheated on me with. Oh, man. Yeah, that's one of those deals where you still loved her. And she just fucking hit you with a giant bucket of water and you were in shock. So you tried to work it out with that cheating whore. Anyways, he said I was friends with this girl since high school as was her. Wait a minute, I was friends with this girl since high school as was with her and was with her. He

wrote as and was with her for a total of six years. And she broke broke off our marriage via text. What a fucking cunt. Anyways, I'm 30 years old in great shape live on my own have been on a dating website for a couple of months. And I've yet to go out on a date with anyone because I secretly think all these girls just like getting guys to look at their online profiles but never want to go out on a date. My question is, should I continue to try and find someone through online dating or somewhere else? I've only been with two girls my entire life. I want to take your advice and get it out of my system for a bit before I settle down with someone else. Yeah, dude, why don't you first of all, you're only 30 years old, which is really young nowadays. Why don't

you give yourself a little bit of time to heal from what the hell you just went through before you jump into something else, learn a little bit about yourself, figure out what you're looking for and what you what you want. What's a deal breaker? What is something that you want? You know, you're looking for and then I would go into a relationship like that. Online dating, I think is great. I mean, if I was a young guy, I would do that in a second. I mean, that's just like all of a sudden you become like the Bill Belichick of pussy. You know, it's like you got your own draft. It's like you're looking at the fucking the NFL combine.

You know, but instead of seeing their vertical leap, you're looking at like their titties. I don't know what you do on the thing, but look, it could have been a lot worse. She could have done it like when you were 40 and you already had a couple of kids and you have to pay for a cheat and ask to, I think the fact that you guys were young when you got married, I don't think she knows how to break up with somebody. She probably deliberately sabotage the relationship and the fact that she sent a text. She doesn't like confrontation. She's still very immature. So what are you going to do? But whatever she's in the rearview mirror, I would you know, the best revenge is living a great life. So take some time, go travel,

go fucking, I don't do something. Learn how to fly a helicopter or ride a motorcycle, go to Europe, you know, go, go to a Super Bowl, blow some cash, just do something for yourself, figure out what you want to do and just tell women you're not ready to get into something until you are. That's it. Be totally 100% honest. I didn't call me back. I thought you had a good time. I had a great time, but I didn't feel that feeling like you were the one. I'm sorry. You know, bang, bang, boom, real fucking quick. And you know, the second you're honest like that, that's when you'll eventually find the person you're supposed to be with. When you keep lying to people because you don't want to hurt their feelings, you just end up hurting yourself. So sorry,

you went through that. But you know what, dude, it's your it's your time right now. So enjoy yourself. All right. Darius Bill, ex-girlfriend, won't X. What does that mean? Won't exit? I need some advice on how to handle a crazed woman. Oh, Jesus, I don't know, dude, this is rough. A crazed woman. I'm 18 and have joined the Marine Corps and I leave for basic in a few months. Well, Jesus, there's a great out. There's a way to get a relationship. You know, I'd love to keep seeing you, but I joined the Marines. Yeah, sorry about that. I know it's crazy. All right, see you. Anyways, he said, I've been dating this girl for about six months and dumped her because

I feel like the last thing I need when I'm away is a relationship with someone who I will never see. Exactly. The girl has constantly been blowing up my phone for the past couple of weeks. I thought she would calm down over time, but it seems to be getting worse. I started to get really concerned when I arrived home the other day and she was at my house talking to my mother who thinks this girl is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. How can I get this girl out of my life? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love the podcast. Go fuck yourself. All right. Well, this is how you get a right of life. You just don't answer any of her calls. All right. And you know, if she shows up where you're at, just say, leave me alone.

I don't want to talk. And just, you know, eventually, I mean, you can't get blood from a stone. And I would immediately talk to your mother and just say, listen, I know you love this girl, but I don't. This isn't going to be the mother of my kids. And she's stalking me. Okay. So I need you to not talk to her. And then that's it. Start with that. And then after that, I don't know where you go after that stun gun. I don't know. Dude, you're going to the Marine soon. So it's going to be fucking over. When do you say leave a basic in a few months? Yes. Tell your mother to stop talking to her. Just say she's fucking nuts. And, uh, yeah, that shouldn't be that hard. I mean, she,

she's just blowing up your phone. You know, she's not peeing in the batter of the brownies that you then eat with your fucking best friend, right? Like last week. Um, anyways, new Pope. Hey, Boston Billy, love the podcast, keep up the good work. Thank you. What do you make of all this news about the Pope retiring? Oh geez. He's personally, I'm not that religious and don't really care that much. Maybe if they elected a new Pope that was young, well, that was a young, some young hot lady in her twenties, I would give a shit. What do you think, Bill? Is there more to the story that, that they're not telling us where his age and health issues? The only reason he retired is the church covering

anything up. Um, oh, come on, dude, are they covering anything up? They, they fucking have been and a certain percentage of them have been covering up other fucking kids for a long time. You know, during world war two, there was, uh, you know, they got in bed with the Nazis. I mean, it really is one of the worst organizations as far as some of the shit that they've done, you know, but people are so wrapped into not pissing off the invisible guy and wanting to go to the happy place and get to eat marshmallows for the rest of your fall fucking eternity that they are actually, it's really, it's, it's disturbing that people can still be part of that religion. You know what I mean? I don't understand how, you know, the stuff that they've done. So, uh,

yeah, I would say, yeah, there's probably something going on. I don't know. Maybe he said something like, uh, hey, you know, uh, maybe we should apologize for, uh, having that clam bake with Adolf Hitler. Should we, uh, maybe clear the air with that one? Hey, what do you say? Uh, we actually don't help to pay for the lawyers of the people in our organization who put their dicks in the asses of kids. You know, maybe he said something like that. I have no idea. Anyways, he said, also, what are some, some of the ways that they could make the church more interesting? For example, maybe let broads become priests. I bet more people would pay attention or how about letting people sit in lazy boys instead of sitting and kneeling in those terrible rock hard benches they call

pews. I know it's so dumb. The whole thing is to get you like you're not worthy. You're not worthy. You're not worthy. Get on your fucking knees and it's, and it's all, it's all made up by human beings taking a guess and other adults because they get into it as kids. They, they, I don't know why. I actually know why. Cause I believe that there is like a spirituality and I believe that you feel good when you do good things. And I just think that you can't corral that nobody owns it and you can't put a fucking like, I think that all churches should just be philosophies rather than this, this hardened way of looking at things. Just the amount of death that it has caused. I'm not saying anything fucking new. You guys know I feel in this shit. Finally, how about we liven up the

music a bit and add some newer sounds, maybe a little guitar and drums? Well, what you need to do is go to a Baptist church, go to a church where you don't see any white people going in there. That would be a good one to start with. And I bet you're amazing. You'll hear people who actually in those churches probably sing very better than half the people who won Grammys that year. I mean, how many times you've seen some emaciated whore sticking her finger in a ear trying to act like they know how to sing and what are they, what's behind them all the fucking time? It's always like fucking three black chicks or two black chicks and some black dude. I mean, that's where the music is. That's where it's coming from. If that's what you want, just fucking go there.

They're not going to give a shit, right? They may look at you weird, but after a while, once they see you feel in the music, you should be fine. You should be fine. The rest of the shit, I don't know. I think that they should maybe update the stories every once in a while. Maybe just make up some new shit. Just say, oh, you know what? God came back again and the burning bush said, uh, you know, let he who's never, uh, legally downloaded the song, just something to fucking update it. I don't know what to tell you. You know what I mean? I don't know. Update it. I guess, you know, there are some sort of some of those new age, the new age ones are just as scary because then somehow somebody always ends up saying their Jesus and the next thing you know,

you're surrounded by the FBI and there's tanks shooting flames at you or you're waiting for some aliens to come and next thing you know, everybody's drinking some poison and you're dying a fucking bunk bed, you know, or in the middle of the jungle with some sweaty fucking conga player, whatever the fucking that guy's name was, you know, I think you're better as when it comes to spirituality and that type of shit, I think you're really, you're better off on your own. Um, I think, you know, I think generally speaking, if you're not a psycho, you kind of know how to be a decent human being. I'm not saying that you're always succeed in it. I certainly don't. But, um, how the fuck do I put it? I would rather sit at a bar about six, seven beers in and talk

to somebody else who's in the same mind frame and talk about life than I would to actually go to a church and listen to some guy up there going and then he did something and he did something else. He did it for you. He died painfully. I hope you appreciate it. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. You're not fucking worthy. We want you to remember this. You're a piece of shit. You better hope he's not mad at you. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I mean, who the fuck wants to sit there through that? I mean, there's still telling stories about lepers. Can we fucking update it? You know, the world was flat. No, the world is flat and there was some lepers and a guy at a big boat,

he stuck some animals on. What am I singing? I don't even know. I shouldn't have listened to my mother. How do you end up in that? Okay, here's a job where you're not going to be able to ever fuck another woman again. You know? Well, do I get a wife? No, you don't get that. You're going to sit in this dorm room with a bunch of other guys. None of you are going to get any pussy whatsoever. Okay, there you go. There's a natural, like the whole thing is just like, as far as the Catholic way, it's just like just flogging yourself. Do you understand how fucked up it? You got one fucking life. You should be out having the time of your life, you know, not hurting anybody, but having the time of your life and enjoying it because you

fucking deserve it because you were lucky enough to be born a human being and not a fucking housefly. What if reincarnation is true? All right. And you're going to fucking come back is, uh, uh, I don't know, something a snake eats when those little fucking lizards sitting at darting around. Even if you don't get eaten by a snake, you only live like 14 days. You can fucking drive a car, you know? Can you ever see a lizard doing that shit? Do you? Ah, Jesus, this asbestos fucking with me. Hey, everybody, guess where I'm going this week? I'm in beautiful downtown fucking Los Angeles, enjoying my life right now in this wonderful weather, you know, and you're probably thinking

like, Hey, Bill, last thing you want to do is go to Wisconsin and Michigan. And you know what I say? Fuck you. That's exactly where I am going. I'm going to Wisconsin, the great state of Wisconsin, and I'm then going on to Michigan. I am doing a bunch of shows this week. And as you can tell by how long it's taken me to tell you this, I'm opening my website. I'm going to be at the Barrymore Theater in Madison, Wisconsin on March 7th with opening act Wisconsin's own Nate Craig, his triumphant return to the greater Madison, Wisconsin area. On March 8th, I will be doing not one, but two shows at the legendary, beautiful, absolutely gorgeous PAPS Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. If you live in that area and you've never been to the theater,

you know, you should come down, see the, at the very least just look at the beautiful etchings on the wall. On March 9th, I will be doing the, I'll be at Fountain Street Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Part of the, there's a comedy festival out there. I don't have the name of it on my website. March 9th and March 10th, I will be right outside of Detroit at the Royal Oak Music Theater for not one, but two shows on March 10th. So that's it. That's the deal. I'm going to visit winter for four days and it's going to be a great time. And if you guys know any, any great places to eat out there, places, you know, shit that I should definitely get out. You got to get yourself a horseshoe. Have you had a juicy, loosey, whatever the fuck you have out there, a sandwich, a drink,

a fucking buffalo wings, whatever you got, I want to know. All right, that's it. Where the hell are we? 55 minutes in, I can't stop this early. Oh, okay, let me tell you this story here. Last night, I had a, I did this great thing, this, this, what the fuck is my phone? I lose my phone already. You guys like me, do you lose your phone like fucking 20 times a goddamn day? What's the deal? What am I trying to say? Okay, last night, fucking goddamn thing. Enough already. Last night, I did a, this guy, Wayne, comedian Wayne Federman does this great film festival every year. And he picks like four or five comedians and they all basically talk about a film that influenced them as a comedian or just wanting to get into

show business or whatever. And they have the comic talk about it before and then they show the movie. And the night I was down there, Nick Kroll went down and he did Raising Arizona. I'm sitting in the crowd and the movie's just fucking killing and I'm laughing, having a great time. Where have I go down the street? And I picked the, I picked the dirty dozen. You know, I loved that movie of Victor Franco. I just, I just loved that the attitudes that the dirty dozen guys had where they just kind of, I don't know, appealed to me as a kid. They were fighting it like they had issues with authority. You know, I didn't like teachers. I didn't like my parents going, Hey, get in there, clean up your fucking room. I just never liked it.

So the movie appealed to me. And what I didn't realize is that movie is 150 minutes long. So if anybody, only five people walked out, we started the fucking movie. I don't know when we started with the show was supposed to start at 10, 15. I know it made, it had to have started a little bit late. We did do a Q and A, which was a lot of fun. And I don't know when the movie started, but it, it ended at like 10 past one in the morning. And I was sitting in the back and I literally felt like it was my movie and it was bombing. People still enjoyed it because it was, you know, it's movie festival. It's like movie geeks and that type of thing. But my apologies to anybody there who wanted to leave, but didn't want to be

rude because I was sitting there in the back, just to be empathetic. My ass fell asleep too. I can't, I never remember it being that fucking long. The middle of that movie, the whole thing where they have the war games. I mean, I think they shot that in real time. They could have done that so much quicker. 150, what is that? Two hours, 30, that's two and a half hours long. But anyways, I had, you know, I kept wanting to leave out of embarrassment because I just kept feeling like everyone was getting tired and they weren't enjoying it. But I was also going like, wait, I get to see the dirty dozen on a big screen. So, but Wayne assured me that everybody had a great time. They loved the movie. And I don't know, it was, it was definitely a fun time. So,

if you're ever out here in LA this time of year, I guess every year Wayne Federman does it at the Silent Movie Theater on Fairfax Avenue. And I think that's about it. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the podcast for this week. Like I said, I'll be in Wisconsin and I'll be in Michigan. If you guys know of any places to eat out that way that I should check out. I try to stay out of trouble when I'm on the road. But if there is a great bar that you know of, maybe I'll check one out. Like Grand Rapids. What is it doing Grand Rapids? I don't know that I've been out to that one. Whatever, you guys will figure it out. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Oh, lastly, last thing I have here, sorry, the asbestos is kicking in. I finally have the hard

copy. I'm literally making the shape of a DVD, like one of the corners with my hand for some reason in front of my face so I can find the word in my asbestos logged head. I finally have the hard copy versions of my, my special that came out last year. You people are all the same. I'll be selling those in Wisconsin and in Michigan. I already signed all of them and shipped them out through stamps.com. And every show after this, I will be selling those motherfuckers because I got about 200 boxes of them sitting in my garage taking up space. So if you want to buy the hard copy version of it, come out to my show and eventually we're going to get them up hopefully sooner rather than later on the website. And I really appreciate it

if you buy one. And if you don't, if you already downloaded one, whatever, thanks for listening and all that shit. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. you warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas along with all NS novelties. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson

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