Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-5-20

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

Bill rambles about playing in LA, politician salaries, and living off the land.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Guess where I'm in? I'm in my fucking garage where every goddamn married guy gets sent every other fucking day. It's fucking unbelievable. I can't remember the last time I actually just got to stay in my house and there wasn't some fucking something coming over.

Could you not do your podcast in the bedroom? What can't I fucking make in the payments on it? The plumber's coming in. He needs to plumb some plumbing. A plumber's going to get offended by my fucking language? It's unbelievable. Banished. Fucking banished.

I'll tell you right now. I don't even want to get into it. I'm not even going to get into it. They're all warriors and they're all fucking victims. Anyway, well, I'm glad you guys, you guys really seem to enjoy that podcast I did with Paul Verzi. I got a bunch of, what do you call them, fucking emails and shit telling me, yeah, you know, that was the fastest 90 minutes of my life and speaking of which we have a new podcast

email. The Monday morning podcast at gmail.com. That's where you send all your questions, all your comments, all your criticisms, all your feels, man. Monday morning podcast at gmail.com. By the way, Paul Verzi this weekend is going to be at Lebedee live. All right, if you enjoyed the goddamn free podcast, why don't you go out and spend a couple of fucking dineros out there and go see that guy.

He's fucking out there crushing it. You could say you saw him at the club level when he would still meet and greet people after his show, but I'm telling you right now, Paul Verzi, it's going to be, he's, when he fucking makes, oh, when he makes a little bit of money, there's something white coming into his world. It's going to be either a couch, a Lamborghini, a leather jacket. It's going to be something, um, angelic white. He did something the other night when we went to this fucking Lakers 76ers game, right?

And like they're two top guys, Joel and Beve and the other fucking guy didn't even play. You know, it's the worst. Going to a Laker game is the fucking worst. By the time the game starts, the stars and the other team are so fucking exhausted from banging fucking models and shit that they don't even show up to the game, even if they're out there. So you know, whatever, we're fucking sitting there watching the game and then afterwards we went in and there was a VIP area.

We could actually smoke a cigar in the fucking staple center, which I did. I smoked my first cigar in like 50 days, but now I'm back to just not smoking. So I've, and I do, I have no desire to smoke them or anything like that. So I kind of, I got myself off them. So now it's just like, all right, the next time I'll smoke one, uh, we'll be next month in April. I'm going to, uh, going to one of sporting events and I imagine I will have one there, but I'm really thinking like, yeah, maybe not.

So that's how that would be like, I would like my relationship with cigars to be. So anyway, we're sitting there, we were sitting there in this little fucking room smoking cigars. There was no smoke eater. So we were in this fucking giant cloud and there was this crazy Russian dude there, right? You know, all five foot seven of them. And he's just fucking, you know, jumping into any conversation, you know, he's had a couple of fucking two, three cocktails.

So he's feeling it and he's feeling conversational, right? So at one point I was just like, I was just talking to this old Laker fan who actually knew the game, which is a very rare thing to find. I don't know where the fuck they all are. It's usually just, you know, you know, you're a hater, Celtics are bitches. Like they just don't talk the game and this guy could actually talk the game. So I was having a good time talking to him. I was like, you know, I got to admit, you know, I can't stand the Staple Center, just

how far away the fans are, how quickly they get pushed away from the action. And now the forum, which I went, I saw the Kobe Shaq, Del Harris, and I want to say Dennis Rodman was on that team too. I saw him way back in the day over 20 years ago at the old forum, you know, there was no upper deck. This went from the floor, just straight up like an old college stadium and you were on top of the game and it was loud and I was going, I just, I just don't like these newer buildings.

And then the Russian guy goes, you know, I would actually argue that. And I looked at him and I said, you know what, I, I'd agree with that. Right. I don't even know why I said that I got, you know what, I agree with you. You don't even need to present your, your argument. I agree with you. Right. Everybody laughed.

And then he proceeded to make a point anyways, even after I just said, I agree with you. He makes a point anyways about the new Staples Center and I just said, you know, that's very interesting. You've completely changed my point of view. I never looked at it that way. I can't believe I was going to walk around the world without that information. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. Everybody was just, I found this new fucking thing because for the first time in my life,

I didn't, I didn't get sucked into a stupid argument. I was going to sit there and argue architecture of a sports arena with some drunk Russian guy in a four seat little fucking cigar area with no smoke eater. So like three more times I say something and this Russian guy is like, you know, I would argue that and I just kept going, you know what, dude, I agree with you. Oh, now you are fucking with me. I was just like, no, I just don't argue. None of my first cigar in two months.

I just want to sit here and enjoy it. I want to fucking sit here talking about foundations, degree of arches and shit. The fuck do I, you don't know anything about stadiums. Neither do I. Do you like the Staples Center? Congratulations, you're here. Why the fuck do I want to ruin it? Um, so anyway, we were sitting there and Verzi, we were, you know, talking about whatever.

And we brought up this one guy and Verzi just goes, he goes, can I ask you a question? Is there something wrong with that guy? And then my buddy goes, I don't understand how you mean that. And he goes, is there something wrong with that guy? It's one of the most Italian things I ever saw him do. He made a statement. The listener didn't understand it and asked him to rephrase it. And he did while using the exact same words.

Only an Italian can fucking do that. Is there something wrong with that guy? How do you mean that? Is there something wrong with that guy? He changed the inflection and he moved his shoulders a little bit differently. I fucking laughed for like 10 minutes. He was just going, what, what did I do? What did I do?

Um, anyway, we had a great time. And, uh, you know, I don't know, those fucking, the LA games always stink. They just fucking suck. You know what I mean? Damn many times I've seen, I saw that the big three Celtics, they came out here and I'd watch them lose to the Clippers. They come out here and they go out and they fucking bang some fucking celebrity. And they're all fucked out before the games start.

I'm telling you, if the fucking Bruins come out here and they play back to back, they got the Ducks and then they got the Kings. I'm telling you, do not go to that second game. They'll try on the first one. And then the second one, they're all, they're all fucked out. So there's one, a few gamblers out there. And they always do, you know, they try to have the team stay down on Hamosa Beach.

It doesn't matter. Horse have cars. They go down there and they just, yeah, that's, that's what they do. They just fuck them. Um, that's, that's anyways, that's just my stupid theory. Uh, oh, March 10th. Everybody Dean Delray's bond, Scott tribute at the Avalon in Hollywood. All right.

Do not miss out. I'm going to be doing some standup there, playing some drums. Dean's doing his standup. Then he's going to be singing with the fucking all star band doing the entire, if you want blood, you've got it live album from AC DC on the 40th anniversary of the death of bond, Scott, one of the great front men in rock and roll history. Now, let me ask you this. If you don't want to be a part of that, then I think you need to get the fuck

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Saying, is this what you wanted or all of that? It seems to me like it's the flu. There's a new strain of the flu out there. I think we're all going to be fine. You know what I mean? I understand it. And I think it's great that they're canceling a lot of these public fucking events like Coachella and that type of shit.

It's just like, yeah, let's just let the thing burn itself out. It's going to be fine. And I love when I see people wearing those fucking, you know, end of the world masks. That's great. I love that there's somebody doing that out there. Because what if you have it? Great. Now I'm not going to get it. Or if I have it, I don't want to give it to you.

I'm a team player, but I'll tell you what, it isn't going to work. It's the fucking self-imposed quarantine, self-quarantine. Like some fucking douchebags, that's like having self-arrest. No ankle bracelet. You stay in your house here for six months. OK, see you later. Scouts on her. Human beings are too fucking selfish and they get bored too quickly

for any sort of self-quarantine. All right, we have to go like China. OK, everybody stay inside for fucking a month. Let's let the air clear up. If you go outside, you're getting shot. That's it. OK, everybody freaking out. Well, what about people like this? What about people like that?

And as a reasonably healthy human being, you know what I say? I say, what about him? What about him? Doesn't affect me, then I don't care. Sorry, I'm trying to get in step with the politics today. All right, here's another thing that I wanted to discuss here. MotoGP starts this Sunday. The greatest racing on the fucking planet.

I cannot wait. What's going to happen? Who's going to do it? Huh? Is it going to be? Is it going to be Andre Stavizio? So I watched this great thing on Jack. Was it Jack Miller? I watched a great little documentary on him

and the sacrifice that his family made so that he could race. It was really amazing. Really amazing. When I tell you something else, Australian guys are funny. His dad's funny. Like the way he's like walled off from his emotions. It's very like fucking old school, you know, reminded me of my dad. Like, you know, you do what you do.

And, you know, that's it. You went through this unbelievable hardship. Can you get it? Can you talk about it? Well, you know, it's definitely a difficult time. But, you know, I do it again. We had to do what we had to do. But now we're supposed to, you know, that's what happened. Me and Verzi were having such a great time talking the last time

that I didn't get a chance to read some of your questions here. So I would like to do that right now. All right, here we go. I had this fucking hilarious conversation with this guy, right? He was saying he was talking about Trump and he was going like, Bill, he goes, what bad thing has happened to Trump since Trump has been in? I'm like, all right, well, first of all, you're a white guy. So, I mean, you know, your life never changes no matter who's in there.

You're not on the fringes. All right, you're right in the middle of the fucking pack, galloping along. You're not the Illuminati level white person where your life could actually get even better or get slightly worse. You're just in the middle of the pack. You know, he's just going like, you know, our economy is doing great. It's like, dude, we're bankrupt. How are they moving the numbers now that they don't count that $20 trillion?

And he's like, you know, he goes as much as black people don't like Trump. They are working more than they've ever were. It's according to a lot of fucking you, Bill. I cannot fucking believe that. I'm just beside myself. I love the guy, but I'm beside myself that a fucking, I'm talking to a white guy and he's telling me what's happening with black people. How the fuck do you know?

First of all, with unemployment, don't they stop counting you after like six weeks? They're like, hey, he's not looking for a job. Fuck him. White or black or Asian or they's. He goes, what the what what what as bad as that? I don't know. He thinks global warming's a hoax. Took us out of the Paris Agreement. I would say that's probably a bad thing.

You know, publicly said that there's two sides to every story when there was neo-Nazis involved. I mean, what the fuck are we doing here? I just, I will never fucking be able to fucking have a conversation with somebody that is so blue-tied or so fucking red-tied. Like, oh, it's fucking people who are blowing the obamas. Is there drone bombing wet weddings? You know, I mean, he just has this energy and this magnetism.

I don't, I don't fucking get it. They're all on their knees, blowing the bankers and wiping their tie. They mouth off with their fucking red or blue tie. That's what the fuck they're doing. And then when they're done being president, they all go out and tap dance for the people that paid them off so they can get so they can get their fucking their hush money in the form of public appearances.

Fucking unbelievable. I don't do this, well, maybe I do this a lot. If you sit around and all you do is watch CNN or all you do is watch Fox News, you are a fucking moron. You're not watching news, you fucking moron. What you're seeing is the results of deregulation where one person's fucking opinion can then infiltrate half the fucking population.

That's what the fuck they were trying to avoid. That's what people saw coming. And these underpaid politicians so they could get their big fucking house in their boat after the fact. You realize how fucked up it is that after you're president of the United States for eight fucking years, you still have to go out and do a tour? You don't have any fucking money. Unfucking believable.

It's almost as dumb as watching the left trying to impeach Trump. And it's like, are you guys out of your fucking mind? Do you see the guy standing right behind the guy? You want you want that Pence guy? You don't have any fucking money. You want you want that Pence guy? Jesus Christ, that guy sends chills up my spine. Fucking serial killer looking his fucking eyes.

You guys are here, just keep the dope. With the two pay, keep that guy in there. Try to get rid of him. And then you sit there. How many fucking times are the people going to pick Bernie Sanders and the dumb Democrats are going to wheel another fucking company man with bankages on the side of his fucking mouth to fucking step in there for you again. Unfucking believable.

I was so hoping that it was going to be Bernie Sanders against Donald Trump because just for the pure entertainment. OK, any top scientist, the same with this global warming. It's already too fucking late, right? So just for the fucking entertainment before they pull the plug in this whole thing. I mean, the fucking pay per view level of Donald Trump versus Bernie Sanders debates. You know, I just I think that would be a fitting way for us all to go out.

Right. Just two old guys yelling at each other. I don't know. Sorry, I'm getting a little dark here. All right, let's get to some happy shit. So by the way, so if I run into you on the road, I don't want to hear your fucking political opinion. It's it's like talking to a sports fan who just watched somebody on his own team slew foot somebody and then try to say that it wasn't a fucking penalty.

And then when the exact same fucking thing happens to his team, the guy should the other guy should be out of the fucking league. All right. I don't I don't get it. All right, Rocket Man didn't believe in Flat Earth, everybody. Hey, Bill, that dude that took Flat Earth money because that dude took Flat Earth money because he was broke. That's fucking awesome. He never really believed it was flat.

Some of my friends do, though, there are some. Convincing convinces arguments, but I'm not sold. Watch a few minutes of Flat Earth doc on YouTube. And you'll see what I mean. Some stuff about the official story doesn't make sense. Lots of weird explanations about the laws of gravity. Do you guys ever think you're just too fucking dumb? You know, I love when like you're going to sit there

and you're going to second guess shit that fucking scientists and astronauts did as just some fucking guy who goes down to a fucking sports bar and order some wings. No, I'm not wasting my time doing that. I have one for you. Why don't you save up your fucking coins and go on a trip around the world, fly around the world and take out your smartphone and just stare at the compass the whole fucking time and watch yourself go west and come back around to your fucking house again.

All right. I actually want to read this because I want to know where does the sun go? Huh? Because if it's a flat earth, now the sun's moving. Is that what I'm to believe? Or are we tumbling on this flat piece of fucking on a log? That's another one, too. Do these fucking assholes watching documentaries? You know, something that I do a lot.

But, you know, people just fucking will sit there and be like, did you see the Courtney Kurt Cobain documentary? Dude, I think Courtney killed Kurt. I'll do you. Is that what your police work told you? Is your set to eat a fucking hot fudge Sunday and your goddamn pajamas? I'm not even this mad right now at any of this shit. I don't give a fuck about anything. I'm just fucking pissed for that for like the 90th day in the road.

I have to get the fuck out of my own house. Why am I leaving? Why am I leaving? Why do I have to fucking leave? Hey, Bill, don't be too loud in your own house. Fucking unbelievable. All right, let's talk about some other cunts here. Amazon, everybody.

Boy, I used to fucking take advertising money from. I had no idea they were like this. Amazon taxes, Bill. Big fan have been for a very long time. Thanks for being so damn hilarious. And please consider doing a few shows at Comedy Works in Denver sometime. You're the only comic I've never seen played. I play there.

I play there a zillion times. I'm actually doing a date in Denver coming up in September. I forget the name of the venue, but it's going to be listed soon. All right. Anyways, he said, I'd like to share an article with you about why Amazon doesn't pay taxes because that claim is a half truth. Well, I never said they didn't pay taxes. The truth is, while Amazon paid no federal income tax, it did pay over half a billion dollars in payroll taxes. Well, that's only because they can't get out of that.

And over a billion dollars in local and state and international taxes. And the reason Amazon paid no federal income tax, the company was playing by the rules that Sanders and his go boy, Sanders and his colleagues in Congress created. Can I tell you something? Nobody really creates anything in Congress. Okay. What was Bernie Sanders voting on? I never hold any politician like when the other side goes, oh, this person did this. It's usually it'll be like, do you want to stop a sudden infant death syndrome?

And then you'd be like, yes. And then there's a bunch of shit attached to it, which I don't understand while they're able to do that. So then that's, that's your baby, literally. That's what the fuck you're trying to get past. And then they, they, they put these other attachments. And then we can stick a fucking oil line under some sacred Native American burial ground. And then when the election comes along, it's like so and so red tie or blue tie voted for this. It's all fucking bullshit.

All right. But evidently it was Bernie Sanders and his colleagues in Congress created in an effort to encourage businesses to invest in research and development and to take risks in creating jobs. Well, phrase that way. I'm sure that they did it because they're never going to get 100% what they want. Because why would these Americans do that here? They don't. They want to be here and then not fucking pay taxes.

Congress deliberately wrote the tax law so that development costs and past losses would, would reduce the tax burden on businesses that took chances and survived. Just read that they, they, if they actually have to pay somebody a fair fucking wage, they won't be able to buy as big a yacht as they want. All right. The fuck out of here with these fucking taxes that that's why they're not here. They're, they're exploiting slave labor around the world and we can't compete with it. Now you could say the unions in this country eventually drove them into that move.

I would agree with that on some level. Anyways, while it has been, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. While it has become fashionable to point to Amazon as a villain in this story to the extent that there should be blame at all. That blame should rest with the crafters of the tax code. Congress. Well, then you got to keep going. How did they get put in that position?

Huh? Also, if you're Amazon, you have billions of dollars. You can, you can with lobbyists, you can force these fucking people into doing what you want to do. So it makes them look like they did it. And then also you do have unions, which had to be created because there was slave labor and child labor in this fucking country. And then eventually they were fucking cunts and leaning on shovels. And then they, they became what the fuck they were fighting. And then the fucking factories are like, all right, we'll go fuck yourself.

Have fun with your union. We're leaving. Isn't that what happened? So now we got a bribe to come back. Our fucking politicians are underpaid. So then they got to grab their ankles and make fucking laws like this. Just so these fucking American cunts who don't want to pay taxes will come back here and do business. I think I figured it out.

See, I want to see one of you guys do that without reading. Oh, wait, you do it too. All right, pay them more. Oh, he gave me a link. All of it is here. All right, I'll have to, I'll have to read that. If I can find a fucking moment in my house when I'm not getting kicked out. All right, pay them more.

Dear Billy, pay greedy politicians more. Burr. Oh, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. You don't even know what politicians make. At like the local level, like your town representative, the guy makes like $1,200, $1,500 a fucking year. Two grand a year. So you can yell at him about every crack in the fucking sidewalk every time he goes down the street

and tries to get himself a fucking egg over easy at the local diner. Big fan of the podcast, but I hate when you constantly say we should pay politicians more. Looking at statistics, politicians make more than the average American. At what level? The whole point of a politician is to serve the community. Oh my God, don't give me this boy scout shit. And it's people. So why would giving politicians more money make them do the right thing when right now they're making more than most Americans

and still screwing us over us over and working with big corporations? Well, this is why. Okay, they should they should have fuck you money. Because the amount of money that it costs us that they're so brutally underpaid. You should not only make half a million dollars a year to be president of the United States with all of those stresses and you have to make decisions and drop fucking bombs that are going to land not just on bad guys, but also on babies and you're going to age and fucking dog years. All right, your whole past is going to be dragged out.

They're going to make funny your children. They're going to talk about every broad that you ever fucking banged or anything that you ever did. Half of the country, no matter what the fuck you do is going to say you're the biggest fucking asshole ever and try to take away the job the entire time you're in there. And you make less money than a fucking YouTube star. All right, my point is, is that if you actually gave them fuck you money. I don't know. It is human greed though.

I would think that they would be less susceptible to being bribed by these fucking corporations into doing exactly what the fuck they want. Which is what they've done. How they let people in the food industry get on the food and drug committee. So they've turned our fucking food supply into poison. Why are you guys making me talk about this shit? I want to get into this. Anyways, the average income is around $32,000 to $46,000 a year.

Well, that's way more than a town select man, which is far lower than what a politicians make. No, what as a senator as the president. Yeah, that is far lower. Also take into consideration that this, let's also like say what the fuck are those other people doing for a job? These people are running the country. You don't think that that deserves a wage? Which is far lower than what politicians make. See, this is what look at, you're going to crunch the numbers the other way.

Also take into consideration that the average includes the 1% billionaires and millionaires that throw the statistics way off without. Okay, well, then if you're going to do that, then you have to throw out senators in the president's income. And then what is it? So you're going to sit there and you're going to take away the top 1% the highest. You're going to grade your end on a curve and you're not going to grade my end on a curve. See, once again, this is why you shouldn't listen to this person or me. Members of the Congress earn a base salary of $174,000 a year. Most are higher than that.

All right, that's pretty vague. Governors are paid between $70,000 and more than $190,000. State legislative and average of $81,079. Court level politicians average close to $200,000. Local elected officials can make up to $200,000 depending on the city side. Yeah, I think they're all grossly underpaid considering what they're doing. Running the country. Why is running the country, do you make less money than Ford jerk offs that created an app?

How come they make less than that? Like you're belittling what it is they do for a job. They're out there. They're supposed to be fighting for us and they get paid peanuts and all they do is get yelled at the whole fucking time they get blamed for everything. I mean, you don't, you have a problem with, you don't have a problem with those numbers. Okay. But you don't have a problem with fucking like athletes making the fucking money they're making. How come they make, how come a fucking guy who stops at baseball makes in one fucking year makes more goddamn money than a fucking, a president makes their entire eight years.

It's an office. You'll never convince me. You will never convince me because this is the thing. All of those fucking assholes put up with being yelled at, put up with all of the bullshit so that eventually they can get the brass ring of being president and then they can go on the speech tour and make 300 grand a night to those exact same fucking corrupt assholes that put them in office. Jesus Christ. Why am I, this is supposed to be a light podcast. Why am I, why am I talking about this? I disagree with everything that you're fucking saying.

I think it's, I think your argument is weak. The fact that you had to throw out the billionaires at the top. I just, I just don't think that that's like, I don't think that that's a fair fucking argument. I don't. Wait a minute. Wait, was that actually in favor of my argument? Now I'm all confused here, which is another reason why you shouldn't listen to this. Oh, no, that was in defense of his argument.

So if you throw out that, we'll adjust it down even more. Dude, I think that, I think that what you're saying here, okay, is what everybody does is they take the numbers and they adjust them in a fucking way that supports the goddamn argument. Okay, you will never convince me that the president of the United States making less money a year than a fucking YouTube star makes in two or three months is not being grossly underpaid, considering that you got one guy who's running this shit, who thinks that fucking global warming is a hoax. Like that's the level of power of the guy that he can pull us out of the fucking, the Paris Agreement. Like that I can just, you can just come some fucking reality TV show star guy can get that fucking thing and make 500 grand a year. I don't know. I don't know.

I think the job's a little more important than that. The fucking commissioner of football makes $30 million a fucking year. Roger Goodell makes $30 million a fucking year. He makes 60 times what the president of the United States makes to run a football league. If you don't think that that's grossly underpaid, if you don't think that, hey, you know what? I agree with you. You're right. You're absolutely right.

The fuck do I care? Who gives a shit? It's not going to change anything. All right. Retirement. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill, retiring at 70 Burr. Huge fans sending love to you and the lovely family from New York.

All right. I'm guessing that now he's going to shit all over my plan. My girlfriend, 22 and I, 20, are planning to move to northern Portugal to live off the land in the mountainous woodsy region. Why Portugal? You may ask. I didn't ask. Well, I am first generation American. My parents moved here together in their mid 20s.

My grandparents, who now live with us in the US due to age, are allowing my girlfriend and I to move there, to live in their home as our own. Apart from the main house on the property, there is a smaller one that is unfurnished. We have chosen to reside in the smaller for when the time comes, as my parents are likely to retire and move back into the main house. In these next few years, until then, we are saving every penny of ours, me by delivering pizza and her by being a manager at a trampoline park. With this money, we plan to fully renovate that smaller house. Our goal is essentially be off the grid. We want to have solar for energy, wood furnace for heat, chicken, sheep, fruits and veggies, etc. We will need a tractor to maintain land for agriculture, carrying firewood from separate plots of land, mountainous woods that we are also fortunate to be allowed to use.

The government offers incentive subsidies to individuals who have animals such as goats and sheep because they eat the underbrush and the forest preventing forest fires. They also offer subsidies of things like diesel for people who own tractors and cultivate land. This is a long email. We mapped out how much we make and our goal over the next few years is to have at least the very least 55 grand. Most of that will be going towards renovating the house and the cost of getting set up. Our goal is to not have any payments or outgoing money after the initial set up, apart from personal pleasures, slash necessities, coffee, deodorant and occasional soccer match, etc. Water comes from the mountains. The town has its own Wi-Fi, which is surprisingly pretty good for the location of the mountains.

Food will be all homegrown and Portugal has universal health care. Now, of course, we are also planning on having an income, although not a large one. Yeah, because I'm wondering how eventually you're going to run out of deodorant money, aren't you? As I mentioned over his years, my grandfather purchased plots of lands, some in the mountains and some flat pasture types made for harvesting grapes for wine, one of Portugal's largest exports. The woodlands offer many trees that can be chopped and sold to companies for lumber, which we plan to replant and do over and over again. Another way of income, which is, if I am being honest, will be an afterthought, at least until being comfortably established largely because it is something I would have to learn how to do properly from other family members, that to do it as well there is planning grapes to sell to wine companies on the grape plot lands. For so long, I felt no motive motivation to go to school to get a job working for someone else that I truly would not enjoy.

Now, I know some people just call that lazy and I find this interesting. Now, this is obviously an overview and condensed to hopefully keep Billy, I've got a kid now burrs attention. I joke, love to you and your family, thank you for all the laughs you have given us, be well. Well, good luck on that, sir. You know, that sounds like you're going to work harder than you would ever have to work if you stayed in society, man, but I think that's cool. That could be a great, I can't say simple life, it's a difficult life, but a rewarding one. And you just kind of chill, I can't really chill, you got to fucking bust your ass every day. But, you know, eventually you build up, you know, the trees and the grapes and shit, you got yourself your own little business, I think that's great.

But I heard Portugal is absolutely gorgeous. So, in the Pyrenees, that's the only thing I know about that, the Pyrenees separates southern France from... No, wait, no, no, that's Spain in France. You guys are landlocked with Spain there, right? Well, that's great, good luck to you. You told me not to buy anything and I didn't. All right, dear Professor Burr, my name is Gabriel, or Gabriel. I'm 33 years old from Puerto Rico and I'm currently living in Maryland.

I became an instant fan the first time I saw your bit about how we are the only species that tries to save its sick or injured populations. That's why there is no traffic on the Serengeti was just brilliant. Oh, thank you. I was at a rock show the other night to see a band I have been following for about 15 years now. After taking a break from all the crowd surfing and moss pit chaos, I found myself in line to buy some merch. As I looked at what was available, nothing jumped out at me but being sentimental and all. Nevertheless, I tried to see what I could purchase that would not make me feel like I had just gotten ripped off after I got home and the adrenaline had worn off. As I handed my credit card to the store attendant with an autographed tour poster in hand,

I recalled the advice you would give your younger self in a modest New York apartment. Why was I about to drop an extravagant amount of money on a printed piece of cardboard? You asked me? Actually, I didn't. I said, Bill, I guess I just want this moment to last forever. I put the poster down, asked for my card back and quickly went back to the moss pit where I had met a guy who would ensure I was always able to crowd surf when I wanted. After the show, I told the guy thanks and that it was a pleasure being his rock show buddy. We fist bumped, hugged it out, and then went about our lives, most likely never to see each other again.

On my way to the car, I realized that I was trying to buy salvation through that poster. I can hang it up on the fucking wall and look at it from my fucking couch as proof that I did seize the day and live life to its fullest. I laughed at the irony of that scene, feeling good about myself, that I tried to live my life to the fullest while staring at a fucking piece of paper on a couch. I am lucky I was able to put that piece of overpriced cardboard down and go back to sweating it out on the show floor with everyone else. If I had gotten the poster, I would have had tried to protect it. I would have stared at the rest of the show from afar. I would have lived life from a distance as a fucking observer. This guy's going deep on this lady.

You told me not to buy anything and in the process made me realize that all things come to an end. It's inevitable. We therefore take snapshots of life to hang on the wall and attempt to make the moment last forever. Goddamn! This is fucking deep, but in the process, we're fucking missing the moment itself. I don't want to be the person holding the camera. I had to choose pictures or memories, a poster or rock show buddy. Be in the moment or hang it up on the wall.

Well, there you go. There's some fucking work. After all my fucking libertarian horseshit that you had to sit through, which I do apologize for, because I really haven't paid attention to anything in a long time. I just got fed up. I was just mad as hell and I wasn't going to take it anymore. Alright, did anybody see the Flyers capitals game? Let's talk a little bread and circus here.

What a fucking great game that was. And the Flyers are scoring goals by the bunches. And I'll tell you, he's not happy about that. The Rose Bowl tailgate legend himself, Joe Bartnick, the fucking arguably the number one Pittsburgh Penguins fan in the United States of America. He's not happy about that. I'll tell you, I've been watching the Flyers. I've been checking out the St. Louis Blues.

St. Louis Blues doing the exact same thing they did last year, playing the trap defense to a fucking, to an art form. Boring ass fucking games, I will tell you that. Dump and chase, dump and chase with the Blues. But I still think the Blues are going to be the team to beat. I also started to watch a good game with the abs and the ducks last night. And I watched the replay of the Bruins. They beat Tampa Bay, but Stamp Coast is out for the next four to six weeks.

So, you know, we weren't beating their best. We shall see. But I think that, I think the St. Louis Blues are still the team to beat. And I think if we faced them in the finals, we would still, and it is the finals, right? No, it's the final Stanley Cup final, the NBA finals, the Stanley Cup final. I think we would run into the same problem again, which was last year, which is you have to beat those guys in four to five games or they are going to beat you down to the talent level of their team.

That's it. I have the next few days off. I am not going to do shit. I put on a little bit of weight going to the Lakers game and being a fucking idiot basically since the beginning of November. So I got about five, seven pounds. I got a drop here and it starts today. Actually started yesterday, but I got on the scale for the first time in a while

because I knew I wasn't going to like the answer. And finally, I just woke up this morning. It's like, Bill, the answer still exists. You just don't know what it is. So why don't you fucking scratch the itch and step on that thing? So I got to get myself back down to a buck 72. That's why I need to beat. I'm still in the 170s, 179 by my fingertips.

So I'll take that off for the next couple of weeks. Just try to be a good little boy. All right. Watch the MotoGP this Sunday. Don't listen to me when it comes to politics. I don't know. Pay the politicians less. Vote whoever the fuck you want.

Just watch Fox News all day. Watch CNN. Just have a good time. Don't listen to me. Go fuck yourself. Have a good one. When your mother sends back all your invitations and your father to your sister, he explains

that you're tired of yourself and all of your creations. Won't you come see me, Queen J? Won't you come see me, Queen J? Now when all of the flower ladies want back what they have lent you and the smell of their roses does not remain and all of your children start to resent you. Won't you come see me, Queen J? Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 5th, 2012. How you doing? What's going on? I am officially on vacation, everybody. I tape my special Saturday night. Everything went great. And I want to thank everyone who came out to the Lincoln Theater

on Saturday night. I had an awesome time and I think I got another good one. So before I kiss that hour goodbye and have to write a new one, I'm going to chill here for the next four days. I got four days off before I do some other bullshit, but it's not stand up related. But I want to thank everyone who came out to the shows. Once again, there's always obviously special nights

and everybody came down. Everybody was ready to laugh and it went pretty good. We shall see. We shall see. And that's it. So I don't know what to do with myself. I have four days where I don't have to do shit. I'm going to play some drums.

I'm going to play some guitar. I'm going to drive my truck that I haven't driven in like three weeks. I've been on the road every single week and I come back and I haven't even had time because I come back and I got to deal with all the mail that's piled up. So I just go in and I start it up in the garage and I backed it in too. So I just sit there, you know.

Is he committing suicide or is he just making sure it's still, you know, I don't even know why. I just feel like you have to start it up every couple of days. So when I'm done with my podcast today, I am going to be driving that thing with my arm out the window. It's a beautiful sunny California day. Like frigging 80 degrees out here. Global warming, the golden age.

You guys realize we're living in the golden age global warming right now. Like the beginning parts of global warming, there's going to be a lot of, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with this, you know. Dude, you know, I like the weather. And then eventually it's going to be like, why am I socks wet? Dude, it's a fucking polar ice caps kid.

They're coming. Get the natty lights. Take them out of the cooler. We'll be all set. So anyways, yes, I am on vacation. I have taped another hour. It is behind me. There's a lot of things I'm going to miss.

I'm going to miss a lot of that hour, but I feel like this is like a transitional special for me. I really do where just as far as, you know, stuff I'm trying to achieve, you know, just trying to get better as a comedian. There's a few things on this special that I haven't had the balls to try another one. So, you know, this one is, this one's a little bit differently. So hopefully some of the skills I'm trying to learn in this one will,

I'll have down pat for the next one and add to my arsenal, my arsenal. And that's it. That's it. I worked with Seaton Smith, opened up for me. Anybody who's wondering, I ended up, you know, I worked with him like four or five years ago at the DC Improv. And then last year when I was on Jim Norton's tour, Jimmy Norton, when I was on his tour,

the anti-social tour, network tour, that's right. It was me, him, Brewer and David Tell. And we came down to DC and we had ran to Seaton again. He opened up for us and he had grown by leaps and bounds and he was awesome. So it was a no-brainer. Came back to DC and he knocked it out of the park again. And on a sidetrack too, Jim Norton's tour, the anti-social network tour is back out as far as I know.

With the new killer lineup, him, David Tell. And then they added Artie Lang and Doug Stanhope. And Doug Stanhope has a new CD out, I believe. I just heard about it the other day because he's got such a great name. It's called Before Turning the Gun on Himself. And I heard the cover is just like a microphone and a blood-spattered wall. I don't know, I think he's fucking awesome. So anyways, so even though I'm not sitting here in a Robin Williams Hawaiian shirt right now,

that's mentally where I'm at. I'm psyched. I somehow pulled it off again, fooled him again. Special went great and I should be getting a rough cut of it coming up. And I think it'll be out by like October. And hopefully you guys will buy it. You know, I tweeted something because I don't like saying tweeting. I tweeted something.

How I finally got a copy of that DVD copy of Black Sabbath live in Paris, 1970. And I'm sitting there watching on the road and just fucking Aussies. You know, just one of the greatest frontmen of all time. It's Black Sabbath in there. They're absolute prime. It's just such a no bullshit show. It's just four guys on stage just blowing the crowd's heads back. It's just they're just fucking unbelievable.

It's just so fucking raw. And you know, just I honestly, it's the way it should be done. I think anybody who's ever going to play in a band should watch this fucking concert. So anyway, so I'm talking. I tweeted that I Twittered that I got the fucking thing and I got like three people going. Oh, I got it too. And then they show links to it on YouTube as if I didn't know it was on YouTube. You know, I got shit you fool.

And then they would show it to me there and it's fucking ridiculous. Something that great you should pay for it. I think, you know, I don't know if I'm coming off as like a fucking old man here. But if you if you're going to do shit like that, you can't bitch about music today and be like, what happened to music? It's like, well, that's what happened to music. It all became free. The whole industry collapsed. Granted, it was a piece of shit industry that was fucking people over.

But it could guide you to some pretty amazing artists as much as there's always been the Justin Bieber's because there has been. OK, you know, like I've always said, when the when the Beatles will make an album, so was Herman and the Hermits. OK, so when they were making rubber soul, Herman and the Hermits were in a fucking studio down the hall going, I'm Henry the eighth. I am Henry the eighth. I am I am. You imagine writing a song that fucking stupid and you can't even you get to the second verse. You can't even come up with more lyrics. And then you somehow get away with second verse.

Same as the first. I'm Henry the eighth. Right. That's just fucking. They got away with it. God bless them. All right. So nothing has happened to music.

What's happened is the music industry has changed. So I think that that's why it's made it. It's weird. Like there's more opportunity. But there's there's less. I don't know. There's less. Like I don't know how like a Pink Floyd would do it nowadays or something like that.

At some point you need some giant machine to let everybody know that you're out there, right? I don't know. Maybe you don't. I don't fucking know. I don't get to buy the DVDs the stuff stuff that I really like, I go out and buy the DVD. I look at it. It's like having the gold behind your money. You know, because just like the dollar, my computer can crash.

My iPod can crash. All right. And then I'm just got this worthless fucking thing. But if I got the DVD, I can just go out and get some more currency and have that thing backing it up. Does that make sense? Well, if it doesn't go read the case against the Fed. It's a wonderful read. So anyways, I was coming back from DC and I'm in the airport.

And this guy just had this classic fucking hat. It was first of all, the hat was like it was a baseball cap, but the the the visor and the the front part where you'd have the sports logo or whatever it says that was all leather. And the guy was wearing cowboy boots, nice jeans, a really nice dress shirt and a really nice sport coat. And then he had this hat on over his Tom Landry haircut, which I'm rapidly approaching our hairline, I should say. And it said on the hat, it said, God guns and guts made America. Let's keep all three. Jesus Christ. You know, do you think that's right?

Do you think God guns and guts did it? I mean, there's a lot of stuff that you can because you can take that a bunch of different ways. Because, you know, depends on all how you define those three things. That's what I loved about that hat because that hat could be a liberal hat or extremely right wing, depending on how you read it. You know, take it at face value. It's extremely right wing. You know, our morals or are the second amendment and having the courage being a stand up guy, you know, get out there. You do you do what's right, right? That thing or you could go the complete opposite way where the dysfunctional way people use religion.

Guns would take care of the slavery and genocide and and guts would be all the all the gore that it took. I'm not trashing this country. This country came about the way anything else came about every. That's how all all societies come about. Somebody gets squashed and then the people who win rewrite it. They put some nice music behind it, right? And they, you know, they tell some truths and they kind of smooth over some other shit. But I got this is what I love about that hat. You know, I always wish that I had some sort of black belt martial arts, but I've always been too lazy.

You know, I'd like to have a gun, but I'm afraid of him. You know, but I still walk around night a lot. So I think if I had a hat like that, who would fuck with you? There's no way you don't think that that person strapped. You know, we were going through the airport security and I was like, this guy's at least got to have a knife in his boot. Like, why would you go that far to have a hat like that? I don't know. Maybe he just came to some meeting from the gun lobby. I have no idea. That's one of the things I'm doing this month.

I've met a couple of people and I'm going to learn how to handle a gun and, you know, be comfortable around them and then decide afterwards if I want to get one. You know, as opposed to just being like, I'm scared of those things. I don't know why we have. I mean, I know I'm one of those people like I'm terrified of them. I didn't grow up around them and they freak me out, but I totally get them. I totally understand them and I see certain stories on the news and I think, well, if somebody had a gun in the house that probably that could have gone the other way. You know, I don't know. You might think I'm a fucking lunatic, but I don't know. That's how I look at it. Just sort of tapped out of that. Didn't I? You know, I think it's a good time now to read a little bit of advertising.

What do you guys think? Huh? I don't care what you think. I'm on vacation. I'm going to hear please you. I just, you just called me into the office this week, you know, because you couldn't figure out how to put, how to put paper in the copier. Now all of a sudden I'm standing here, my fucking, what the hell is it? What the hell is this? Stamps.com. Let's get on with this here. Stamps.com everybody. Anyways, are you like me, everybody? Do you hate everything? No. Do you hate going to the post office? Right? Sure we all do. You know, when can you go into the post office and there's not a line wrapped around the building like they're selling tickets to a Bon Jovi concert in the metal lands? Right? Your love is like bad medicine.

You know, and you go in there and it's such a long line that you got to figure out what supplies you need. Then you got to carry them under your arm and literally be putting the box together as the, as the thing, you know, the line moves forward and you're sliding it up along that long table. And then you got the wrong size box or you got the wrong, you know, envelope that you wanted to express. You have a priority envelope, you know, go back over there, fix it. Then you can come right back up to the window and endure the hateful stares of the hundred people who weren't here to see me tell you that it's okay to come back. Do you want to go through all of that? Wouldn't it be great if you could just handle it yourself in the privacy of your own home? Have you ever wanted to do your mail late at night standing in your underwear while eating a Pop-Tart? Well, with Stamps.com you can do it. Yeah, your time is valuable. It's important to use every minute wisely.

So why waste your time going to the post office? Find parking, then wait in line when you don't have to. Didn't I just say that? I think I did. I don't need to read the copy. I so believe in this product. I can come from my heart. Stamps.com, I love it. I actually, I actually use this shit, man. Maybe I should go back to the copy. You can buy and print official US postage using your own computer and your printer. You can also, you know, print posters for boxes. They give you this little scale, which I love because I send out my DVDs to my gigs this way now.

Just wait a little box, you know, got my little Mr. McFeely visor on, put that stamp on, you know, toss that sucker in the mail and I'm done. I show up and it's magically there. I never had to stand in a line. I could be there in my underwear, listening to a CD. I could be screaming, you know, any word I want at the top of my lungs, trying to keep it clean, trying to keep it clean here folks. All right. And I know what you're thinking because you just like anybody else. You're like, you know, I feel that's all well and good. Having a post office in my house with a little bit, a little scale. What's in it for me? I'll tell you what it's in for you. We've got a special offer right now. Stamps.com for my listeners and my listeners only. Unless they're doing this with a bunch of other podcasts, I have no idea.

There's a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and $55 worth of free postage. Okay, but only if you go on and you use my last name, Burr, what you want to do is go to stamps.com, click on the radio microphone on the top of the homepage and type in Burr. Capital B, U, R, R, that's stamps.com, enter Burr, get $55 in free postage and you get a scale. All right. What else? What else could you possibly want everybody? So anywho, speaking of music, what's his face? Davey Jones died this week and I can't even tell you how much that bummed me out. I absolutely loved the monkeys when I was growing up. I love their music. I love the comedy. I love the nod to the Marx Brothers. I love the nod to the Beatles. I love that they were a pop band.

I love that Mike Nesmith hated being in it and when he would, when they were pretending to play to a track, he'd have his tie going through the guitar strings as some sort of silent protest. I liked all of it and I thought they had good music for what it was. I really liked it. And I gotta tell you, for you youngsters out there, there's nothing worse than when someone like Davey Jones dies of basically natural causes, because it really just lets you know how fucking old you are. It's like that guy was 66. Jesus, he died of a heart. How the fuck did that guy die of a heart attack? And I'm thinking when I was watching those, first I started watching those shows, that guy was like, oh my God, I think I started watching a 73 or 74, so the reruns on WSBKTV, Channel 56 in Boston, or was it TV38, one or the other? I used to watch him and he was probably 25 years old, you know?

I remember being excited when I saw him do a guest star on the Brady Bunch when he took Marsha to the prom. I thought Mickey Dolan's was fucking hilarious and I hated when he grew his hair out. I thought it looked better when it was straight. Like, that's how much of a fan I was by that show and it just sucks, man. The fuck? So that's what happens to me. I'm 44 this year, 22 years, so now I can be walking around with my torso stuffed into a button-down shirt and all of a sudden collapse over like a tray of macaroni. Ah, Jesus. See, right here. Is there any reason to take shit from anybody if it goes by that fast? Other than cops, because they can legally kick the shit out of you. Let's get to the complaints this week, everybody. Some lady just absolutely lost her mind, hates my guts now and won't listen to this podcast anymore, and I apologize to her, but she says she's not listening anymore.

There's no way that she's listening, despite that she wrote like a five-page email that I'm now going to read. She has a huge problem with me, everybody. So settle in. Want me to wait? You want to go down to the break room? Go get yourself a little coffee cake? Oh, I can wait. I'm on vacation. I got nothing better to do. Go ahead. I'll wait. The fucking dog's been farting all day today. I don't know what this deal is, and it keeps looking at me like, dude, you got to help me out. I keep going to take it outside, and then it just sniffs the grass. And then I bring it back in, and it starts farting again, and it keeps looking at me like, dude,

I'm really trying not to shit on your rug. I mean, that's how I'm reading her face. I think that's what she's saying. I have no idea. So anyways. So anyways, here we go. Subject, your podcast is hate speech. Oh, Jesus, Bill, you probably won't read this. Or if you do, you will just dismiss me as a stupid contour, but no matter. See, right there, she's already draped herself in the I'm brave, and I'm going to plow a head flag. Your podcast, as of late, has morphed into hate speech. It used to be funny, and I could brush off your hateful comments with a cringe and a shrug.

Now, wait a minute. If they were hateful right along, why would you add it? Okay, let's just plow a head. But now you've gone too far for me. To feature a segment on your podcast devoted to the deplorable behavior of women is intolerable. For those of you new to my podcast, I've been doing this segment, which I think is hilarious and needs to be done. Just to get you caught up before this lady gives me both barrels here, because believe me, she does. You know, there's a bunch of shows out there that shine a light on men who beat their women.

Those pieces of shit, right? Trying to stop them from that behavior. There's a bunch of shows out there that will talk about who are these guys. You know, to say what a woman could do with their body. They'll talk about the glass ceiling, the old boys network, and all that type of stuff, and they shine a light on all of that. Okay? Which they should, because that is guys doing things that they should not be doing that is not fair to women. Okay?

So my problem is not that they do that. My problem is that they never shine a light on shit that women do that is not fair to men. So recently, if I can drape myself in some sort of brave flag, I've been reading these stories about guys who are married. Their wife goes out, cheats on them, has unprotective sex, has a kid with another fucking guy, doesn't tell their husband, and by the time he figures it out, he has to pay child support for a kid that isn't even his, and it's totally legal. And then I had the audacity to say that a woman who would do that to her husband is a cunt. Evidently, that's hateful speech towards all women, according to this person. All right?

Because she continues. And how does she ever continue? To feature a segment on your podcast devoted to the deplorable behavior of women is intolerable. How is that any different than someone spending 20 minutes a week on a different podcast featuring the deplorable behavior of black people? Why do they always go to black people? That's always a, that's just like calling me the n-word. This is no difference than slavery. That's people in other groups always do that.

Always do that. All right? Give me a goddamn break. All right? She goes, women are, I mean, how is that different? How is what I'm doing any different by featuring a segment of women who are doing something absolutely reprehensible to men? How is that any different than a show that focuses on men doing anything reprehensible to women? When they show wife beaters, I don't look at that like, oh my God, they're saying I'm doing it too.

I think, you know something? I really think you're being really selfish here. And the fact that you could sit here and listen to my podcast for this long as I've gone off on fat people. I mean, Jesus Christ, you want to talk about hate speech? How much shit have I talked about, Peyton Manning, despite the fact I can't even throw a football? You know? If he sent me an email, I wouldn't understand. And I bet it wouldn't even be as crazy as this.

She says, women are treated like second class citizens all over the world. When did I ever say they weren't? And even still in this country, yet you have no problem inciting further hate and disgusts towards your fellow human beings on this earth. How am I inciting hate? When shows show wife beaters, is that inciting hatred towards men? If you look at those shows and that makes you hate all men, then you're a moron. So basically what you're saying is that I'm a moron and that all my listeners are morons. That if I call a woman who cheats on her husband, has a baby with another guy and makes her husband pay for that.

If I call her a cunt, that means I'm calling all women cunts. You know? Is that what you're saying? Are you saying we're all that stupid? She said, right now there are men, and that is written in capital letters, M-E-N, men in this country still. Capital S-T-I-L-L. Discussing whether or not women should have the right to contraception and abortions. Yeah, I understand that.

Those people freak me out. Those people freak me out, and I am a guy. And I've never said that a woman shouldn't have a right to that. So I don't know what you're talking about. This has nothing to do. I'm talking about these fucking whores that cheat on their husbands. Ma'am, you know what I love about all this? How come you don't address what I talked about?

How come I can't hear, what do you think about a woman who would do something like that? I saw a stat the other day that said 13% of kids in this country are not with their biological father. Meaning not just like, you know, that their wife got divorced and then remarried. They mean like there's a guy either knows or doesn't know. Like the woman had a kid with somebody else while they were married. Like 13% of kids. I mean, that means 80% of women are on the up and up. Alright, God bless them.

They're angels. But that 13% needs to be taken to task. I mean, how many guys are beaten women? I would guess they'd probably be right around that same. You know, maybe a little higher. I have no idea. Let's just, let's say it's 20, let's say 20% of guys beat their women. Should they not be called out and be called cowardly pieces of shit?

You know, and if you call them cowardly pieces of shit, would I have a right to sit there and look at that and be like, well, that's, now you're, you're inciting further hate and disgust toward all men. You're being really selfish here, man, because I go off on everybody. This podcast is over the top and it's crazy. I call guys cunts on this podcast and you're being really selfish right now. And now, you know, you make this big long speech and then you're going to take your ball and go home.

I look, look at this. Look at all she's bringing up here. Women still earn only 70 cents for every dollar a man earns. I think you guys should make the same amount, but I also don't think that, that that number is accurate. $77, $77 cents for every dollar that a man earns because if you include divorce settlements, you get to keep your 77 cents plus his 50%, his 50 cents. So then he's down to 50 and then you're up to $1.37.

See, that's what I'm talking about right there. Go fuck yourself, you oversensitive jackass. Good Lord. Go buy a bigger bra. I don't know what your fucking problem is. I hope that bugged you too that I said that that was deliberately supposed to be offensive. All right, so go fucking write a letter to fucking cunthair.com

because I don't give a shit. All right, in short, we are still not equal to our male counterparts and we will forever be labeled the weaker sex. Well, with that attitude, of course you will. You know, I don't think you're the weaker sex. I think that that's all a myth. I think that that actually makes you stronger. You know, because guys are fucking idiots and they think

because they can do more push-ups than their woman that they're actually, you know, that makes them smarter. You know, I don't know. My fucking doorbell's ringing. Are you serious? Hang on a second. I gotta go up here and then I gotta, I gotta read the rest of this. Hold on.

All right, so I'm back. Little winded, but I'm back. I'm back. So anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It just keeps going on and on and on and on. Where the hell is it? Where the hell was I? Weaker sex and then she tries to break me down psychologically

but my mom not hugging me. If that's the case, then I'm sorry for you. I hate when people do that. It's like you're not sorry for me. You hate me right now. Okay, so stop acting like you're really sorry for me and you're showing some sort of empathy. You're not showing empathy.

You're being really selfish. Like I said, I go off on everything here. I've never said that a woman should make the same amount of an hour as a guy. I never said that a guy should be able to hit a woman. I've never said that. What the thing I'm trying to shine a light to is that some of these divorce settlements are absolutely fucking ridiculous and that when a woman cheats on a guy and has a kid with another person

and the poor sap who married her has to pay for that, you don't think that's fucked up? Howard Stern just did a great story on it last week. Last week, somebody sent me an email. He did a story about a guy who was in that situation and he refused to pay the child support and they said, we're going to send you to jail. He's going to go to jail because his wife cheated on him,

had unprotective sex. Hey, to hell with AIDS. Let's roll the dice with my husband's life, right? Has unprotected sex, has a kid. He doesn't realize it, figures it's his because it's his wife's pregnant. Why would he think that it's somebody else's? He starts making the payments, next thing you know,

he starts raising the kid, figures out it's not his kid and has a natural reaction, I don't want to pay for that and the law is just like, no, you have to pay for it. Let me ask you this man, do you have any empathy for that? You seem to have all this empathy for women and women's issues and like somehow I'm supposed to still respect you despite the fact that you could give a fuck if this injustice is done on the other side.

It doesn't make any sense. And I want to see like, this is like focusing on this issue. This is an issue for some reason that is just not talked about whatsoever. It's just sort of accepted. And I think it's an absolute, I think it's absolutely deplorable. I think it's deplorable, so I have the right to talk about it. You know what I mean?

And if you want to get offended and you want to be selfish and just be like, well that isn't fair, what if I had a whole segment every week and all I did was talk about wife beaters? You know what, you'd probably send me an email. I just want you to tell you, I love your podcast even more. It is just, it's, you are just, you are a hero to hear a man out there just letting these cowardly pieces of shit know

that it's, you'd be fucking over the moon about it. But now all of a sudden, I'm talking about women who are doing shit that you're not even doing. At what point in any of these stupid fucking rants that I've done have I ever said that all women are doing this? I never have. I never said that all women cheat on their husbands and have a kid out of wedlock.

I didn't. All right? Do I make generalizations? Apps are fucking lily. It's a comedy. I paint with a broad brush. I'm fucking around, okay? Jesus fucking Christ.

Stop being so goddamn selfish, okay? And if you don't want to listen to my podcast, don't listen to my podcast anymore. And other than that, you know, I mean, go fuck yourself. I don't, I don't, I don't know. This, what she's doing is a pet peeve that I have. Like that happens to me, like sometimes when I do shows and at the end of my shows, some will come up to me

and just be like, look, you know, I have a good sense of humor, but, but subject whatever, my fucking phone, they'll just be like, you know what? That's never funny. That is never. Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody. Hang on one second. Hang on one second.

Hello? Hey, I'm taping my podcast right now. Is this urgent? Are you on the side of the road? We got triple A? No, no, I, I, the dog was farting and I thought I'd had to shit in the house, so I took it outside and then it just sniffed around and peed.

Yeah, it was a pain in the ass. So I'm going to get back to the podcast. All right. All right. I'll tell you in like a half. All right. Anyways. Oh, and then she goes on to say that the terms I use

will then cause, you know, people to use the, you know, as I fuck around and use these terms, she then thinks that people are going to use them seriously. You know what I mean? And I'm sure a few will, but that's not on me. Somebody who does that, it's because you're a moron. And I, like, it's not my responsibility to fucking babysit anybody once they're an adult.

If you don't know not to call women these terms. Okay. Although I will tell you this. If, you know, there is a time to call a woman a cunt. Okay. And that's when you find out that your son is not your son and you still have to pay for it. There's a reason that that word does, does exist.

All right. All right there, sweetheart. I hope you come back to the podcast. I hope that you actually listen and will respond. And I don't hear another fucking word out of you unless you tell me what you think about those kinds of fucking women who do that. Okay.

And stop bringing up slavery and all this other shit and try to drag all this other crap into it. All right. You stay in your own goddamn lane, sweetheart. All right. Good Lord. To compare yourself, not being able to vote, to being enslaved, really?

That's another one that gets, that's a whole nother fucking topic. Every fucking person out there just tries to fucking jump on that. You know? That's our N word. Go fuck yourself. Um, anyways.

I can't believe you just did that. Why did you flick that dick right in my face? You burned off two eyebrow hairs. That's my Dresden. Um, wedding fashion advice. See, I love these advice now that, um, here we go. Wedding fashion advice. Bill, I am getting married in June.

Oh, isn't that romantic. A June wedding. And refuse to wear a tux. I'm going to tell you something right now, sir. You're going to have a happy marriage. You're going to have a happy marriage for the fact that you still have a backbone and you refuse to wear a tux. And the woman that you're going to marry, this angel is fine

with it. That's, you got to win her right there. All right. That's perfect. There's going to be a good little give and take, little surf and turf. And then all you got to do is just admit when you're wrong in the relationship, it gives you fucking credibility.

So when you actually bitch, they'll think, oh, he actually, he actually feels this. All right. So simple question. Simple question. Simple question. Bow tie or regular tie with my suit? I'd like to do something different, but don't want to come off

as a douche. I got to be honest, I would go with the tie. There's only, there's only, there's three people in the world that can get away with a bow tie. All right. An economics major. And even then, not then, you have to be an economist on TV talking about the GNP.

Then you can wear a bow tie. If you're one of those, if you're a Muslim, but you're a black guy, for some reason, they wear suits and bow ties. They don't seem to go for the, the, whatever the fuck you call that thing. What do you call that thing? Oh, Jesus. Not going to be more offensive.

I don't know what you call it. The thing that you just, it doesn't see, it's sort of the original scrunchie, not scrunchie. What the fuck are those things called? It's sort of the original snuggie, you know, except it's just all the way over you. Like, I don't think Muslims in the Middle East ever get cold when they fall asleep on the couch because they have

that, they got that whole long thing over them, right? Oh my God. That was offensive. Um, I'm from Syria and I listened to your podcast. I don't care. And the third person is, uh, if you make chicken for a lot of people, you could also wear a bow tie. Does Colonel Sanders, does that guy, I mean, speaking of

slavery, tell me that guy doesn't look like he at least owns at least 12 slaves at some point in his life. I don't know. There's just something about him was very plantation-esque. Did he have that, that old South look about him? Oh, Belvedere, come here, boy. I don't know. You know, some next time Nia comes on here, I'm going to

ask her, she has a theory about, you want to talk about like advertising and that type of thing. She is convinced there's a KFC in Koreatown out here in Los Angeles and she is convinced that they draw the Colonel Sanders a little bit differently to make him almost look like he's racially mixed. Like he still looks like Colonel Sanders. You know what I mean?

But he looks a little, uh, I don't know. That's what she says. I don't see it. You know, she thinks they put a little dash of Mongolian in him, which if they did, I think that is fucking hilarious. Like I would say that at that point you had exhausted all ways of trying to figure out how to sell chicken at that

location. You have definitely hit the wall as far as profits. What the fuck else can we do? We got crispy. We got, we got the original. We got the uncrispy. We got the healthy. We got a chicken pot pie.

What do we do? Hey, what if we made Colonel Sanders a little, uh, a little more, uh, Colonel Sanders Chen-ish. Make him a little more, just a little bit of Asian in the face. You know, somewhere, you know, maybe in the cheekbones or I don't know what, dash of Korean in there. You know what?

I'll take a picture of it. I'll take a picture of a regular one and I want to see if you guys can tell the difference because personally I don't see it, but it makes me laugh. Every time we drive by it, both me and Nia start cracking up and she, and she starts presenting her argument. Go look at his eyes. Look at his eyes.

And I'm going, they look the same. She goes, I'm telling you, it's different. But the problem is, is we never been, you can't look across the street and see like just a regular one. So I'm going to do the wonderful technology of the, uh, I'll speak into that. You know what? I got, I got the iPhone 4S.

I finally gave into that shit. I will not be doing any fucking ads for this goddamn phone. This thing, Jesus Christ. I might as well have bought in a fiat. It's a fucking thing. It's such a pain in the ass. The goddamn home button every couple of days cracks out

and then I got to go down to the thing. You don't have one of those geniuses figure it out. All right. And I know what you're going to say. Well, dude, just reset it. You just hold down the power button in that home button together and wait till the applicant. I did that.

I did it. It's not working for me. So now on my vacation, I have to get back over to the fucking eye store and talk to those people and make an appointment and have them. I don't know. The exact reason why I never got the phone was because it always crapped out.

All right. I don't need a phone that can take amazing pictures and amazing video, but it's, I can't use it as a phone. It's just, it's a pain in the ass. So fuck the iPhone. All right. Did you hear that ghost of Steve Jobs? All right.

So anyway, see, I would go with the tie. But, you know, if you're going to, if you're going to not wear a tux, which is really funny because a tuxedo is really just some cheap fucking thing that you get down the street that somebody's worn to God knows how many different events. What I would do is I would wear, I would get like a suit like you were going to go do a talk show like Letterman or something, just get the best suit you possibly could have

some unbelievable shoes. I'd even go with the little, the pocket square cufflinks just look like a fucking million bucks. Yeah, but definitely don't do the bow tie, man. That's Jesus Christ. Then you would look like a douche. The only time a guy can wear a bow tie and not look like a douche is if he is wearing a tuxedo, I think.

Cause then they got like the colored buff buttons and that little, that little half a man girdle, the cummerbund that they have down there. All right, Bill. Flight made simple. Do you guys remember a couple weeks ago when I was talking about how I didn't understand? I just don't understand how a plane stays off the ground.

I've had people try to explain it to me in a zillion different ways. You're surfing on the air, the lift, the under the wing, over the wing, all this shit. This person's going to try to explain it to me. All right. Bill, in regards to your previous podcast where you wondered how an airplane flew and resigned yourself to

lifelong ignorance, there are two basic principles at work here. I won't bore you with jargon or math. The plane wings are shaped so that air is pushed downward when it comes in contact with the bottom of the wing. All right, I got to read this over and over again to get this. The plane's wings are shaped so that air is pushed downward when it comes in contact with the wing.

Are they? I guess they are. Well, if I stuck my hand out the window, if I had it level, if I wanted to push it down, then I would tilt it forward. But I think they're tilted back, aren't they? Oh, but when it goes over it, it pushes it down. Dude, there's no way. You're going to have to sit here and like, you're going to have

to hold my hand and walk me through. You're going to have to be in the room. There's no way I'm going to be able to figure this out. All right. The plane's wings are shaped so that air is pushed downward when it comes into contact with the bottom of the wing. This produces a force equal to the one the air was pushed with in the opposite direction.

And I'm tapping out. I don't know what that means. This produces a force equal to the one. What one? To the one the air was pushed with in the opposite direction. Okay. Secondly, top of the wing is shaped so that the air flowing over it is going very fast, faster than the air flowing

underneath the wing. Yeah, people have told me this. I don't get it. The faster the air flows, the less pressure it puts on the wing surface because the air on top is moving faster. The pressure on the bottom is higher. Dude, this is the thing. I need to go all the way back to like basic principles

of physics. You know what I mean? This is like I'm trying to teach you how to play drums and I'm showing you an intermediate drum fill and you can't even play a beat yet. I had no scientific background whatsoever. So if you can suggest a, hey kids, Uncle Shluby is going to teach us about physics, right?

And there's got a picture of some guy dressed in a mascot suit. I want to start with a science book. Uncle Shluby? I'm sorry. I couldn't think of fucking anything. I'm on vacation. There's going to be no funny this week. Bill, how do I handle the parents of my kid?

My son beat up. Jesus Christ. You know something? I deserve this because I said stop asking me advice that has to do with relationships because I was sick of that shit. And as much as I'm enjoying these, all of these I have to like now make sure I don't get in trouble legally. So before I answer that, speaking of legally, speaking of legally,

let's read some, let's read some, the other fucking advertising for this week. What the fuck did I do with it? Oh, there it is. All right. Spot number two. All right. All right.

It's already showed you how you didn't have to go to the post office. How would you guys like to have an arcade in your own goddamn home? Would you? Would that be great? Are you sick of going down to the video store and sitting there talking to the, can I help you? Can I help you with something? Talking to those nerds.

What do you think about this one? What do you think about that one? It's all about staying in your house, everybody, getting some powdered food, having your own windmill, right? Putting stamps on your own envelopes that you printed out yourself on your computer. Let's go to the next level of becoming a complete hermit. Gamefly.com, everybody.

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And what do you get? You get 8,000 different titles. I think that that's basically everything from, I'm going to shoot you in the face all the way down to Pac-Man. I mean, they got everything, all the classics, all the way up to the top. I mean, they have to. 8,000 titles to choose from. And this is the thing, even if you don't want to do it, for 15 days,

they're giving you, they're giving you a free trial, just like a drug dealer. Gives you a couple of free samples, right? You hit the needle a couple of times, they got you hooked, you know? Except rather than ruining your life, you'll still be able to go to, you'll still be able to go to work. And you know what? You're going to be able to deal with your boss even better. Because you know the second he's done running his yap and that whistle blows

and you slide down that dinosaur into that car you use with your feet, you're going home to 8,000 different games, all right? 15 day free trial, www.gamefly.com slash burr. Okay, that's it. All right. Back to the podcast. Let's see if Bill can try not to get sued here. So this guy's writing me this thing.

He's basically, he's dealing with the parents of the kid, his son beat up. Well, that's got to make you feel good that your kid won as much as you're probably, so it's probably going to have to do with something of a lawsuit or something. Hi, Bill. I was listening to one of your earlier podcasts about when one of your listeners has been getting shit from his neighbor because of driving too fast in the neighborhood, you followed up with a hilarious dialogue of how he should handle his neighbor. That also brought up memories of how you thought of,

talking to your downstairs neighbor was the most ridiculous move ever. So that got me thinking. I have a son in the seventh grade who just served a suspension last week for getting into a fight with another kid. You know, it's funny that your son is in the seventh grade because that is right at that tipping point where fights aren't just, you know, headlocks and all of a sudden people are starting to, you know,

hit puberty, all of a sudden they weigh over 100 pounds. They're a little more coordinated. They got 100, 110, 115. There's always that one big foot kid who's like 140 pounds. All of a sudden, fights start getting, there's like blood and shit, you know. So here we go. Seventh grade, his seventh grade son just got suspended last week for getting into a fight with another kid.

The fight was apparently over dispute during their gym class, where the other kid purposely threw a basketball at my son's head a few times when he wasn't looking. After repeated hits, my son somehow turned into a maniac, caught the other kid by surprise, tripped the kid on the ground and started wailing on the kid's face, breaking his nose.

You know, you know what that is. That's that classic kid who's been picked on and all of a sudden he's like, he's probably making those noises. Punching him while crying. Remember that? Oh, that was always epic. When the weak kid finally flipped out and beat the other kid down

or at least just got a couple of good ones in before getting pounded himself. You know? Good for him. That's the first belt. Like a lot of those martial arts class, they have the white belt with what you walk in with, which is a good thing.

You know what that is? That's that classic kid who's been picked on in the martial arts class. They have the white belt with what you walk in with, which is basically all you know about fighting is to get hit a couple of times and then making that noise. You flail with both hands and feet, right?

So anyways, after repeated hits, my son, oh, whatever. Some of the other kid's friends then jumped in and fought my son off. My son unfortunately got a black guy from the friend's cheap shot. I don't think this is a bad thing, man.

I mean, I think this is basically... I think he did right by himself. He was getting picked on and all the other kids are looking at him. And if he doesn't do anything, then he's saying, yeah, I'm the kid, you can throw a basketball at my head

and I won't do anything about it. And then despite the fact that your kid got a black eye in the end, I mean, all those other kids see like, wow, this kid, you know, broke this other kid's nose and the only reason why he got a black eye is because it took a couple of the other kid's friends

to come in and sucker him, right? So good for him. Good for him. That was his first like prison sort of experience, you know, and he did what he needed to do to not get assaulted further. So anyways, fast forward to later that afternoon, my wife and I were called into the school office

where our son and the other boy with his parents were waiting. We had a conversation with the school counselor. During the conference, the other boy's dad was extremely pissed off and literally wanted to sue me. Oh, Jesus. You know, isn't that amazing?

It's just people, they love their kids so much, they can't even see what they, they kind of got what they deserved. Anyways, he said, at least this is this guy's version of it anyways, he said, I was calm and I politely asked him to relax. At that point, this dad wanted to fight me. Once the counselor calmed the room down,

this dad muttered under his breath while facing the counselor. He's lucky, he's lucky we're here or else I would hurt that son of a bitch. Oh, Jesus. I immediately responded with, what did you say? The dad didn't turn his glance away from the counselor,

but smirked and responded quietly saying, you heard me, asshole. Oh, Jesus. I love when people say, you're lucky I didn't have to go home to my mom or else something would have happened. I immediately lost it because I can't stand passive aggressive shit.

I asked if he wanted to take it outside, but he kept smiling and nodding his head. He then looked at his beaten up child and said, you see son, don't ever turn out like this asshole right here while pointing at me. Oh, dude, right there. That just made me want to rip his throat out.

Dude, you took the bait though, man. You took the fucking bait. He totally said that shit just to make you flip out. You know what this guy's like? This guy's like a Claude Lemieux, except he can't make you win a cup. He's basically doing that shit when the ref isn't looking

and then you're retaliating and then he's making you look like a douche. So anyways, he goes, I immediately lost my shit because I can't stand passive aggressive. My wife grabbed my arm and asked me to please sit back down. Your conference ended shortly after that

and the two boys were suspended the next day for fighting. Yeah, in the future, sir, just like when someone is being passive aggressive, you just don't react to it. It's unbelievably hard and I don't know how to do it, but I'm really good about giving advice. I mean, now that I'm sitting here calmly

as the Monday morning podcast quarterback here, you know, the second somebody is lucky we're in here. You know, that's, you can just be like, just say to your son, oh, you hear that? We're lucky we're in here. Or else this guy would have done something. Thank God this 140 pound guidance counselor

on the other side of a desk is stopping this guy from turning into a superhero. Whoo, I'm counting my lucky stars. Hey, thank God there's carpeting on the floor. If this was just regular tile, I would be in trouble. That's it. I mean, just throw it right back at him.

Just actually agree with what he's saying completely sarcastically that usually diffuses that kind of stuff. So anyways, the conference ended shortly afterwards and the two boys were suspended the next day for fighting. Since then, I now notice that, that fucking dad and his kid every morning while dropping my kids off at school.

I wouldn't care, but a few days ago I caught this prick telling his kid to stay away from that little piece of shit. And he was referring to my son. What is worse is that the baseball season is starting up and I overheard my son telling his buddy that he and the other kid are on the same team. I need your help, Bill.

I just know this dad is going to start some shit during some game or practice. I can only imagine my son striking out or dropping the ball and I hear that fucking guy saying something out loud. Um... All right. This is the deal.

This guy's so when you head at this point like you're anticipating shit that he's going to do. All right. This is the deal. At the end of the day, your son kicked his son's ass. All right. So that's why this guy's acting like the bitch that he's acting like

because that's all he can say. All right. And if he was going to do something to you, he would have done something to you. But he doesn't because he's an adult and he doesn't want to get sued. And you're not going to do anything to him because you don't want to get sued and you shouldn't. All right. So all he's doing is he's running his yap.

So who gives a fuck? The great thing here is if you don't take his bait and you just lay back or whatever, both those kids, your son and his son, they're going to be on the same team. They're going to work it out. Anyway, the first time you see each other, you hate each other, you duke it out

and then like fucking three days later, you're playing baseball together. This is classic. They're probably going to become best of friends. This is one of these things where you have to do the hardest thing in life which I feel is one of the hardest things

emotionally, I should say is you got to be the bigger man. All right. Look at this guy's insecure as hell. Your son kicked his son's ass and you know, he's humiliated on some level, I guess.

So now all he's trying to do is make you fucking mad and you're taking the bait. So in a way, he's kind of winning. So just stop taking the bait. Let him say what the fuck he's going to say. You know, I don't know. I mean, I don't know how to do it.

Honestly, I'm not wired emotionally like that. I can easily tell you not to take the bait but I have to admit if he said something to me I would just be I mean, I would have everything my power not to say, I'm sorry my son kicked your son's ass.

But then you're talking shit for your son and then it just becomes a problem. You just got to be the bigger man. All right. And I don't know. This whole fucking thing went off the rails. You both love your sons. Neither one of them you want to see your kids get hurt

like a fucking kid himself. And yeah, you got to be the bigger guy here. Oh, this one sucks, dude. I feel for you, man. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. I can tell you a bunch of dumb things to do. You know, and you've already fantasized about them

as you screamed at your windshield pretending you were talking to him as you fantasized about what catching him on the morning going out to get his newspaper and be like, how about now, huh? You can kick my ass now, right? You want to do that and mush the fucking paper right down his throat. Ugh. You know what? You guys got to stop sending me these stories

because I kind of live vicariously through them and they like, they really, they really bother me. That really fucking bothers me. You know what? I think it's a good time right now to talk about hockey. One of the great sports out there. And for all you people who say, why do they allow, why do they let them fight?

You know why they let them fight? See, you can't have any douchebags like this in the league. People who get to act like they're tough when they're really not. You know? Because eventually, you get yours. You know, Tidomy eventually clocked off Samuelson.

And I loved it. You know, Claude Delmu eventually turtled, right? I actually think Claude was a tough guy. He just, that guy, I don't know. That guy is one of the guys I can never make my mind up about. I just thought he was such a fucking piece of shit. But God damn it, that son of a bitch was a winner.

That guy won a cup on three different teams. He just can't, he's the only guy who played that way that I can give a pass to. Do you guys ever see that video when he was sitting on the, he's sitting on the bench and somebody got checked into the bench

and the guy was like, you know, doubled over so his head was was over the boards in the opposing, basically opposing teams bench area. And Claude Delmu and the other player who's on the ice is leaning on him so the guy can't get up.

And Claude Delmu just looks down and when the ref isn't looking he just winds up and clocks this dude in the fucking head. It was one of the dirtiest it was so dirty you just laughed. It was just such a piece of shit fucking move.

But there was something about him the end of the day the guy could play. He put the fucking puck in the net. Who do you win it with? Avalanche, Canadians in 93 I want to say the Avalanche in 96 Devils in 95 or

2000. I can't remember. Anyways I feel for you sir. I would just let the kids hash it out. And if the guy says anything just walk up to him say listen dude who's kidding who. We both know if you were gonna hit me you would have by now. Alright

you're not gonna. Alright so just let it go. Ah that would probably spark something. Oh my god I wouldn't be able to do it. If I was standing with me and somebody was saying that if he ran his mouth I would just be like

oh hey that's that guy that said I'm lucky the guidance counselor's here or else he'd be kicking my ass. Anybody here see that guidance counselor? Gee how come he's not kicking my ass? Hey tough guy what are you saying? No guidance counselor here

what's the matter? What am I lucky about now? What did that trees over there? Am I lucky that there's a tree there? Cause if that tree wasn't there you'd be kicking my ass? What do you gotta say that passive aggressive? You're not gonna look at me are you? You're gonna sit there? You know?

Maybe that's why your son's such a fucking bitch throwing a basketball at my son's head. You know he broke your kid's nose. You do realize that don't you? Don't you? Why don't you sue me you fucking pussy? At this point I gotta get the anger out. I got like angry about that. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Yeah dude you gotta be the bigger man. You gotta be you gotta be the bigger man. You gotta be the bigger man. Ah you motherfucker. Um I don't know You know what you should do whenever the guy talks shit? Just think about the fact that your son

broke his son's nose. And somehow try and convey that with the smile in your face. Maybe you should say that. Hey listen man I just want to be friends. You know I'm concerned for you. How is your son's nose? Is he breathing properly again?

Oh that would be the dumb thing to do sir. The big thing to do is just to be the bigger man. But oh my god. No listen don't anticipate him saying anything. I'm willing to bet that they're gonna end up being friends. And you know what coach your son tell

him to be a good teammate. Alright. Tell him to cheer nice and loudly and root for that other kid that he broke his nose. Tell him to root for him when he's up at bat. Alright. And when he gets a hit tell him you know nice player something like that okay. And through the wonderment and the magic of sports they'll become friends.

Alright. And that'll be great. And then one day your son will go over there house and he'll have to actually be a nice guy looking at your son's right or left hand wondering which was the one that smashed his son's face. Who knows. And maybe in the end you guys end up being friends.

Who knows. Who knows. That's how it works out in sitcom land. Good luck with that sir. That is a podcast for this week. Oh I forgot to bring up the wonderful skatefenders.com guys I cannot say enough about this product if you play hockey. And who likes taking a nice slap shot

off the foot. I know I don't. How many times you gone out you're all excited. You had a bad day at work. Right. You're having problems with the girl. Maybe you don't have a girl. You got some aggression. You want to get it out. You get out in the ice and you fucking two shifts out there. Somebody fucking nails you in the foot with the puck. And the skate.

And then you feel he got shot in the foot. You limp off and the whole night's over. The next day you got to limp into work. Sucks. Right. Wouldn't it be great if somebody came up with some protection for your feet. That was lighter than a goddamn sock and you wouldn't even notice when you wore it. Well the people at skatefenders.com are excited

to announce skate fenders. They fit right over the booty of your skate. And they're injected and molded of high grade, lightweight, impact resistant polycarbonates that protect the feet of hockey players. It's effective in reducing painful, debilitating impact injuries.

They're convenient for players to put on and take off. Yeah. I've actually used these already. And you can put them on and take them off in two seconds. You don't even notice that you're wearing them. They don't slow you down at all. All it does is make your foot not hurt when you get hit with the puck. I mean you definitely know

you got hit. I'm not going to lie to you. You definitely know you got hit. But like it feels like you know when it's you know like somebody just took a little wrist shot and it hit your shin guard. You keep playing. You're a hockey player right? Well 19 out of the 30 teams in the NHL are using these things. And for some reason it says

including the Detroit Red Wings. Like as a Bruins fan I'm supposed to like you know how about the Boston Bruins. I'm sure a couple of people over there are using them. Anyways they're affordable to all players at all levels. If you use the Bill Burr you'll get $5 off. Basically go to order them. It'll ask if you have a promo

code. Any type in my name. Bill Burr all lowercase. No spaces. And you will get $5 off your scape fenders. And I'm going to tell you something. The first time you take a puck and it hits one of those those damn fenders there's going to be

a smile on your face. And you're going to be like I can't believe I ever didn't wear these things. At least that's how I felt. And lastly on Amazon.com If you're thinking about buying anything on Amazon.com not saying that you should but if you're thinking about it. If you'd

like to help me out go to my website BillBurr.com. Click on the podcast page. You'll see right underneath the iTunes logo. You'll see the what do you call it? The window. Whatever. You'll see the Amazon thing. Just go to Amazon through that

thing that you click on. The banner. The Amazon banner on the podcast page of my website. That's what I was trying to say. And then go there and buy something if you want to. If you do they give me a little kickback and whatever I get I take 10% of it and I give it to the Wounded Warriors project. A great cause

you'll be helping out the podcast and even more importantly you'll be helping out the Wounded Warriors project. And those of you in Canada and the UK next week I'll have links on Amazon.com for fans in those countries and

I'll tell you what. Why don't you guys give me some sort of charity over there? You know? Up in Canada what should I give money to? The Starbucks that you burn down every time you don't win the Stanley Cup? Sorry. Cheapshot? Or what? Over in Canada

how about I give to some group that wants to investigate the Rothschild family? Give me some sort of charity over there and we'll send them our worthless US dollars. How about that? Alright. That's the podcast this week. Let's see.

Shows I have coming up. Shows. I'm on vacation until March the 30th when I will be at the DuPont Theater in Wilmington, Delaware. March 31st I'll be at the Music Hall in Troy, New York. They still have the

Cloud 9 Titty Bar out there. I went to that a long friggin time ago. Good time. I'm on April 1st. I'll be at the Music Hall in Tarrytown, New York. Please please please please come out to those shows and you'll see a little bit of my last

hour and hopefully the first 10, 15 of my next hour. And once again, thanks to everybody who came out to my show at the Lincoln Theater in DC. I had a great time and that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit.

I hope you continue to listen and I really want to hear from that woman that wrote a dating email. I want you to address women that do that. I want to know why you feel as though I'm talking about all women when I'm clearly just talking about women who do that. And how that you

feel that me making fun and calling women cunts who cheat on their husbands, have babies with other guys and then make their husband pay for it. Why you think that if I say that they're cunts that somehow is the same thing as

trashing black people who went through slavery. For the love of God, can you please bridge those two thoughts because I find that more confusing than how a plane gets off the ground and stays up there. Alright that's it. Go fuck yourself.

Come see me Queen Jane