Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-7-19

Episode Date: March 8, 2019

Bill rambles about weed/booze, R Kelly, and punching plaster.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How's your week going? My week is going fan-fucking-tastic, man. I did my special. I taped it. It is done. It's in the can as they say in my business. Now it just needs to be edited. Some poor bastards got to look at the footage and try to put that mess together. I want to thank everybody that came out to Royal Albert Hall in London, England. I could not have had a better time. I just, just a couple of magical nights out there and hopefully it'll show up on the digital recording that we made.

That will be conveyed. So now I have no act and I was like, you know what, man? I'm just going to stay away from the comedy clubs. I'm just going to go live some life. You heard me. All that yoga teacher shit I was saying. I'm just going to go live some life and I'm going to let the next hour come to me and I was literally thinking already tonight. I've been back for fucking 24 hours being like, maybe I'll go down to the club tonight. Yeah, just go fuck around. No, I'm going to learn how to relax, man. Sit down and just fucking eat an avocado or whatever the fuck it is you people do that know how to relax. You guys fascinate me. You people know how to relax. You know what I mean? Like you go to a

hotel and you actually put on the robe, right? You get the slippers on and shit and then you fucking order room service. You're eating like chocolate strawberries from Cherries, berries, whatever the fuck it is you do. You know, you have a spa day. I'm like, I know I'm making fun of it, but I am fascinated by that. I want to be that guy, that guy who knows how to fucking chill, man, because I don't know how to do it because this is what I do. I go, I'm not doing fucking stand up and then I go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get fucking 20 hours in the air on a helicopter or I'm going to go fucking play drums for fucking 30 hours this month. I just fill the time up. You know, you fucking people who could just sit on a porch.

You know, I can't do that unless I'm slowly killing myself with booze or cigar. You know, I can't just sit on a fuck. You ever just walk by, you know, in one of these sleepy southern towns? You know what I mean? Where they still think like Lyndon Johnson is president, right? You're just walking down the fucking street and you just see somebody sitting on a porch reading a book. And it's just, you know, that person, they got it figured out. You know what I mean? They walk into church on Sunday with their head held high. They got nothing to confess. The fuck did they do? Huh? What is their big sin that they peaked a few pages forward hoping that there'd be an end of a chapter to give their eyes a break? You know, disrespecting the author and all

the hard work that they put in. Yeah, I'm going to try to fucking chill out here at least for three days. I'm going to try to do nothing. But I mean, I also have a table read tomorrow for F is for family. So that's something. And whatever, what are you going to do? You know, having shit to do is better than having nothing to do, right? Or am I fucking that up? Well, it's because at that fork in the road, I chose booze rather than weed. You know, the people who choose weed, they're like the people that like, you know, their dream in life is to retire. You know, and people who drink their dream in life is to tell people what to do and the people go out and do it. All right, I'm painting with the broad brush here, but that's what I do on this podcast.

All right, none of this is fucking necessarily worked out. You know, this is the occasional goddamn set list. All right, let's let's let's go. You know, what I always do when I go to put together a new hour is I have to go topical. Let's say what said the news, everybody are Kelly. Bobby Kelly, my good, my old roommate is playing Mugubis. But the other R Kelly, the singer, right? I'm trying to think of one of his fucking songs. I used to know him. I used to know his songs. Then they took the videos away from MTV. Like the last one I saw that he made was the one where he was sitting down and he had half his head braided while someone was braiding as the other part of his fucking head. You know, God knows what happened to that poor woman. Judged by that fucking

debacle of an interview. He is fucked. That's all I got out of that. That I did not get. I am an innocent man accused of some shit that I didn't do. The vibe from that is I am fucked. They got me this time. God damn it. Yeah. You know, we know it's fucking hilarious when that guy was standing up screaming and yelling. Now that woman just sat there, right? How that became the opportunity for other douchebags on the internet to try and bring up some male-female point. You know, to literally try to wedge their fucking goddamn agenda. We're literally talking about a guy who, if they're saying what he did, if he did what they're saying, what he did, this guy is a fucking monster. This is about getting

this fucking guy off of the goddamn street before he can do this to somebody else. But these selfish fucking assholes on the internet, nah, nah, nah. Notice when he screams and that reporter, she just sat there so stoically, so defiantly, so brave. That's what they teach you. They teach you that in journalism class. What do you think a guy would have stood up and fought him? So then all these women pile on and they start telling these stories of sitting quietly as their boyfriend punched the wall right next to their head. These selfish fucking assholes took this moment in time. A pedophile, an alleged pedophile, freaking the fuck out and all those victims, fuck all of them. It's about you and whatever fucking went down during your fucking relationship and how you

were a total fucking victim. You know what? I got one thing to say to you guys, ladies. All right? We'll fucking get to you on this one. This is about the women who actually were fucking a victim of this guy. Stop trying to fucking, you know, you know what it's like? It's like back in the day, whenever I see stuff about hair metal bands in the 80s on the sunset strip and you'd go up and you'd staple your fucking banner, your little flyer up to a telephone pole and then two seconds later, somebody else would staple theirs over yours. That's what the fuck is going on. It even happens on shit like this. It's so goddamn shameless. You know? And ladies, you got to ask yourself something, all right? If more than one time a man in your

life punches a hole in a wall right near your head at any point, is there any sort of self-reflection where you're like, why do I keep picking this guy? Or what exactly is it that I'm saying to the opposite sex that is causing this behavior? Speaking from experience, you know, I remember when I got to my mid-30s and I was like, dude, chicks are fucking, they're all fucking psychos, you know? And by then I was just like, wait a minute, what are you doing? What are you doing? You know? And I actually turned around and I looked at myself and I said, oh, this is what I'm doing, you know? And then I decided to stop, you know, fishing in the same area, pulling out the same goddamn fish, right? I blamed the victim in all of that.

So all you women out there who, you know, shaking the plaster out of your hair, you know, be once in a while, you know? Every once in a while, it might be you. I'm just saying, like, just say one out of three million times when someone punches a wall near your head, maybe you shouldn't bring up things about his family or whatever the fuck it is that you said. Those other times, you know, the guys are aggressive and they shouldn't do that. And, you know, maybe there wouldn't be so many home depots out there if there weren't so many guys with misdirected anger punching holes right next to their girlfriend's heads. R. Kelly, could you just shut up for a second with your pedophilia? This woman here has some

plaster in her hair and she would like to tell her story while this is going down, if you don't mind. All right, plowing ahead here. So, oh, you know what? I got into the Premier League a little bit because I know Liverpool was up by one point and from what I heard, by the time I got to Manchester, Man City was up by one point. So, let's see, Premier League standings. Oh, and everybody's trying to explain offsides to me. All they can say is the reason why they have offsides is so people won't hang down at the other end of the net and other end of the pitch. It's like, well, why don't you just have a blue line like hockey? All right, and then nobody can hang down by the other goal. And then if somebody's bringing it down the fucking field and they're faster

than the defensive line, they get past them and you have what's known in hockey as a breakaway. The crowd gets on its feet and there's an exciting shoot and he scores. Jesus fucking Christ, he scored. Don't understand it. I understand the not hanging thing. Oh, Man City, up by one fucking point. All right, and I realized that somebody told me I was wrong that they don't have Saudi Arabian money behind them. They have Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi. They have that money behind them. All right, what's going on? Who's playing? Leicester City is playing. These are a bunch of fucking teams that aren't in it anymore. I don't care about any of these fucking teams. When is Liverpool or Man City playing next? That's the two you got to get into. All you fucking yanks,

fellow yanks, listen to this shit. Slide in now at the end of the goddamn season. There's like 10 games left. So, you know, if you watch all 10 Liverpool games, you'll probably see about nine goals. So buckle up for that excitement. Offsides. No, it's not that bad. I'm kidding. All right. What am I up to here, by the way? Fucking jet lag to shit. I had a great flight back. I started to watch Black Clansman and before the jet lag got to me, and I really enjoyed that movie. Adam Driver. I don't know the names of the other people in the fuck. I'm not going with the names, but I liked what everybody was doing in that movie. I liked the guy playing David Duke. Did I see anything else? Did I watch anything else? I don't think I did. Oh, you know what I

watched? I was really disappointed. I somehow went on kids TV. I clicked that by accident, and I, you know, they had all the dumb fucking kid movies, but then they had like three episodes of the Jetsons, which was just the Flintstones, which was just the honeymooners. All right. So they had the Jetsons. You know, meet George Jetson. His boy, Elroy. Then his daughter, Judy, and they played it. Horn like she's already blowing somebody. Then Jane, his wife. You know, he goes to hand her money and she grabs the whole wallet and goes to the shopping center. Right. I watched it. That fucking show sucked. At least the episode I saw. It's like they weren't

even trying. Just kind of went further and further down here. The honeymooners was like the highest level of funny. Then the Flintstones, they got halfway up the hill and then the fucking Jetsons didn't even get out. It was so bad. I didn't even watch the other ones. It's like I used to watch this shit. But what I will say about the Jetsons is how much shit they got right about the future. They had video phones. They had flat screen TVs. They had robots in the fucking house talking to people. Right. The only thing they got wrong was the work week. They thought with all the technology, we were going to be working less. And that was one of George Jetsons famous comedy lines. Oh God, these three day work weeks are murder. You know, flying cars, they got that wrong.

That hasn't happened yet. But most of the technology is right out. It's right up there, you know. And in the future, women are still spending their guys money like, you know, like there's no tomorrow. I mean, some things never change. All right. So anyways, the big thing is tomorrow I got to go to the gym. I got to get back into the fucking gym. Because right now there's this big temptation where it's okay, the big two things that I was shooting. All right, my acting gig at one day at a time, or as the world turns general hospital, whatever the fuck I did, one of those soap operas, that's over. And then I did my stand up special and that's over. And I have no TV, no television,

no nothing coming up. This is one of these times we put on like 10 pounds, right? You go down to the local fucking bar, you get yourself some wings, you have a couple of fucking beers, you know, and you look at the beers, like, wow, that thing looks lonely. A couple of little shorties next to it, right? And next thing you know, you're a fat fuck going, why did I do that? So as I told you, I'm not drinking this year, taking the fucking year up. And I'm getting the booze out of my house, except for the Pappies. And I'm just not going to have it in my house anymore. And then basically for the rest of my life, if I want to go out fucking drinking, I will, I'll go out and do it. But just the amount of nights that when I come home, the fact that I

won't have it in my house, it's perfect. I figured out that's the kind of booze hound I am. Booze to me is like a half a gallon of ice cream in the freezer. If it's there, I'm going to fucking eat it. All right, the booze is there, I'm going to fucking drink it. And I like it and fucked up. So I can't have it around. That's basically it. Oh, just literally talking about it makes me want to do it now. You know, come on, Bill, you earned it. No, I can't do that. It's fucking stupid. All right, not living for myself anymore. That's what you learn, right? That's what the fucking, that's what you learn when you have a kid. If you're doing it the right way, you're not living for yourself anymore, stupid. All right, put down the donuts, get rid of the cigars.

You know, now I understand, you know, like when you look at your parents, they're like, why are they so goddamn boring? Why did they just pick this regular fucking car? Why didn't they get a cool car? Why didn't they do any of this fucking shit? And it's like, oh, because they were awesome, selfless fucking people. That's why. Okay, and they made money and they wanted to have some leftover to fucking give you when they died. It's supposed to going out and buying a bunch of nice shit for themselves. And somewhere along the line, I think that was lost in today's America. It really is. Like just the level, the level of fashion that is fucking out there now is insane. They used to be, I mean, they used to be, it was like fucking Andy Warhol

and all the skinny douches that hung around with them were into fashion and a couple of movie stars and whatever, and that was fucking it. You know, housewives, they were into fashion, but Jesus Christ, I mean, if they got something that Mrs. Roper was wearing, they, you know, once every three years, they were happy. It wasn't this fucking shit show. You know, nowadays with like Instagram and fucking all of these social media is just bombarding. Like everybody, guys too now, like the level with which that men give a fuck about what they look like and the shit that they're wearing. It's like they've become, we've become like women. I don't know. People with fucking sneaker collections.

Dude, when I was growing up, you had, you had a pair of sneakers. That was it. Like everybody had one pair of fucking sneakers. I don't give a shit what sport you were playing. You had, that was it. You put on your chuck tailors and you went out and you played it. These are my cross trainers. What are we playing? I have to go inside and get my soccer shoes. Like that shit did not fucking exist. And you know, you fucking know, good and goddamn well, a lot of it is bullshit other than like running. I don't know. Maybe they just got better at it. I have no fucking idea. You know, all these different kinds of jeans, all these different cuts. They was basically, when I was growing up, there was Levi's and whatever people who couldn't afford

Levi's wore, which was Wrangler. It was tough skins. And then I remember the gap. The gap had jeans for a while. But like the top of the line was fucking Levi's. Oh, Lee. There was Levi's, Lee, Wrangler, tough skins. And I remember the gap. That was basically it that made fucking jeans and corduroy. That was it. You got two, three fucking pairs and you were good. You wore them until you had fucking until you you made the holes in them. And then that was it. And then eventually you fucking passed them on. Your mother put patches on them and passed them down to the next fucking kid. That was it. I look at some of the fucking childhood photos of me and the way the kids are dressed. We look like we should have been hanging out with Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.

People with like patches on elbows of their shirts and all of this shit. And it wasn't like people were broke back then. They just, I don't know. There was no Amazon. They're like, when I got down to the fucking store, driving all the way out to the goddamn mall, give me a patch. I'll just iron this on. All right, get outside. Fucking animal. And that's the way it was in the 1970s. All right, I'm totally, I don't know what's going on in football, not football, sorry, in basketball or hockey, but I aims to sit down tonight and watch myself a couple of games so I can get reacclimated into the greatest country that ever were, that ever was, that ever will be the United States of America. And all you haters out there around the world, you know, with your

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post Vietnam War, post JFK getting assassinated, post Bobby Kennedy, post fucking the bad acid at fucking Woodstock, post all of that shit. The 60s was a rough one. You know, people just wanted to listen to shit and not have to fucking think. All right, which brought you music like this, Dr. Hook sharing the night together. You got to listen. I'll post the video. But here are the lyrics. You're looking kind of lonely, girl. Would you like someone new to talk to? Oh, yeah. All right. I swear to God, he says that I'm feeling kind of lonely too. And if you don't mind, can I sit right down here besides you? Oh, yeah. All right. I swear to God, this sounds like I'm, this sounds like I'm making fun of a song, but this is how it goes.

Senate says, you know, if I seem to come on too strong, I hope that you will understand. I say these things because I'd like to know if you're as lonely as I am. And if you'd mind sharing the night together, whoa, yeah, sharing the night together, whoa, yeah, right sharing the night together. And later on, he said, we can bring in the morning, girl, if you want to go that far. And if tomorrow finds us together right here the way we are, would you mind basically, hey, you know, we can fuck if you want, or I can just stand here and talk to you for the rest of time. Look it up. Dr. Hook sharing the night together, whoa, yeah, which then of course led me to Dr. Hook's sexy eyes. I was torturing Nia with this sharing the night, but then she actually, she

liked sexy eyes. I don't know why I'm talking about this shit. How much time have I done? Have I done my contractually obligated 30 minutes here? Have I spent my 30 minutes with you guys? All right, so what did we learn on this little podcast thing here? Don't punch a hole in the wall next to your girlfriend's head because if you do, she'll bring that story up while we're trying to catch a pedophile. That's, you know, something that should be its entirely own fucking, you know, you know what it is? I think guys need to start having, you know, not that we don't bitch. I mean, we fucking listen to me, Jesus Christ, I bitch twice as much as any woman does, but it's not organized. We need organized complaining

like women, you know, just to balance this out. So the next time, you know, you see a woman doing something in a middle of a fucking important story, you can insert your agenda into it. And then if somebody comments on it in the wrong way, there's then a big fucking fall out and then some woman loses her job. You got to fight fire with fire here. Would you like to dance with me and hold me? You know, I want to be holding you. Ah, yeah. All right. You guys don't, am I allowed to play just like a second of that? I'll play just a second of it. Let's see what happens. The worst thing I do is I put money in Dr. Hook's fucking hands. I don't give a shit. I like these guys. All right. This is how old this song is. There's like no advertising before it.

All your thoughts disappear. Here. It's my favorite thing ever. Ah, yeah. All right. Try that tonight, fellas. There's your opening line. Just walk up to a woman and start singing to her. Sing that fucking song like when Tom Cruise sang that fucking song in Top Gun, right? Just walk up to some woman, some poor fucking woman, just trying to enjoy your goddamn day, right? Somebody probably just, you know, punch some fucking wall nearer, right? She's just going out there, right? She cut his dick off or something, whatever the fuck she did. She's just sitting there. It's probably still in her purse. She's trying to enjoy the

drink and just come up to her. Tap her on the shoulder and just be like, you're looking kind of lonely, girl. Would you like someone to talk to? When she, right as she gives you the look like what the fuck you get to be like. Ah, yeah. All right. We can fucking go home and fuck. Oh, we could just stand here and talk for a while. Ah, yeah. All right. That was the 70s, man. You just parted your hair down the middle and you feathered it. You grew a fucking beard. That was it. You just came up with your pubes hanging out every which way when you just fucking said shit. As long as you tagged it with, ah, yeah, right. I guess you were in. All right. That's the podcast, everybody. Thank you to everyone who came out to the tour over the last

year or so and thank you to everyone who came out. I feel unbelievable about what we taped and I think it might be my best one. That's what it feels like and I still can't believe that I got to perform at Royal Albert Hall. It was crazy and the fact that I now have documented it in a special that's going to be coming out on Netflix maybe the summertime. I don't fucking know. I am so excited about that. I can't even begin to tell you and the fact that I went to like, I added Liverpool this time. I had a great time. So the next time I come out to the UK, Ireland and all that shit, right, I'm going to do that run through Ireland, go up to Northern Ireland and then go right down through Scotland and just do a bunch of fucking

cities and end up in London again and I got to tell you something. I don't know what happened this trip. I've always been a Paris guy at some point. I don't know. I'm starting to become a London guy. I don't know what happened. I'll tell you right now it's certainly not the fucking food but just the vibe of that city I really like. I still always love Paris, you know, but I don't know. The last couple of times I went there plus I got to get back there. I've never been to Wimbledon. That's the last tennis major I need to see live. I've seen a couple of US Opens, two Frenches in one fucking Australian and I've never been to the greatest one, the one on the grass, the grass fucking court, breakfast at Wimbledon with Dick Enberg, rest his soul when I was growing up

and I used to watch Bjorn Borg versus John McEnroe and then Mac was the guy and then what's his face came through there? Boris Becker, right? The redheaded German guy. I'm like, oh my god, there's another one out there, right? He came in 17 years old, won it in fucking 85 and Van Lenda was always there looking like a fucking giant. I don't know. He always looked more like a rock star to me. Like that guy was saying that. Talk about pop music. Pop, pop, pop music. Remember that guy? London, something, fuck it, something. Everybody talking about pop music. He looked like he was new wave. He looked like a new wave singer to me and then it was going east, east and east of each of itch or whatever. It was that other guy, Jim Currier, who kind of looked like

Phil Sims's younger brother. I can't believe I remember all these guys, right? And right as I was getting used to all of them, then all of a sudden came fucking, what's his face from Vegas? We're one of the best books I ever saw, open, ever read. Fuck is his name. He named, he married Steffi Graf. He had his shave his head like me and now he just has a beard. What the fuck is his name? What the fuck is his name? I saw him play. Whatever. And then fucking Pete Sanfress. Then I started doing comedy right around then. What the fuck is that guy's name? He used to do the fucking commercials about being a rebel. This is going to torture me.

The second I did, you can't, I can't. He's one of the only fucking people that won on all four surfaces. I got to look it up and there's no fucking way I'm closing this fucking podcast, not knowing who that guy's name is. Tennis, book, open, boom. What do you mean I'm not connected to the internet? I'm always connected to the internet, god damn it. Come on. He didn't even want to fucking play. Oh, fuck you. Open. And our Andre Agassi. Jesus Christ, Bill. Call yourself a sports fan? Andre Agassi. That's right. That's right. And then I don't know where it went. Then the next guy who came along, there was that guy, he looked like the guy from Dude

Where's My Car, who did punk and married Demi Moore. Ashton Kutcher. It was a tennis player that looked like him. And then there was the Croatian dude who just won the French, didn't he? I can't fucking remember. I don't pretend to understand shit. All right. You know, I could have just ended on how psyched I was about my special rather than fucking talking about tennis. But you know, isn't that the charm of this podcast? All right. I hope I got you through your workout or whatever the fucking issue did. Are you a little plane ride or you ride home? Huh? Are you almost home? Do you want me to keep talking? Oh my god, can we be like podcast besties and you just fucking talk to me? You know what? Fuck you.

I got shit to do. I got shit to do. Today, I got shit to do. All right. So I'm going to sign off now. You know what? You know, here's the thing. Andrew's going to play a little bit of fucking music here. And then after the music, he's going to be a half hour greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday, I don't know, a year ago, four years ago. I don't even know how long I've been doing these and that'll fill up your hour. All right. So that's it. Okay. God bless all of you. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll see you later. Oh, yeah. All right. If I seem to come on too strong, I hope that you will understand. I'll say

these things because I'd like to know if you're as lonely as I am. And if you'd mind sharing the night together. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. And it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 7th, 2011. There I said it right. 2011, 2011. I'm down here in Miami, Miami Beach. I did the South Beach Comedy Festival this, this, uh, this past Friday night. And, uh, the fuck did I do? I worked at the new Symphony Theater and it was funny. I worked there Friday night and Thursday night, the first comedian ever to perform there because it's basically designed for a symphony was Kathleen Madigan. So they had an all redhead weekend, which I thought was nice, you know, for once they paid attention to one of the overlooked minorities

out there, you know, how come we don't get a day on the calendar? What about us persecuted by the sun? Do you know what it's like to be persecuted from sun up to sundown? I don't think you do. All you fucking bitching people from other goddamn fucking groups. I've had it. Um, anyways, yeah, I'm down here on Miami Beach and everyone is dressed like a hooker. You know, this is really just, uh, it's a bunch of, I don't know, really good looking women who are dressed as fucking trashy as you possibly can. None of them do you look at like, God, I could marry that girl. You just look at all of them and you just start thinking about porno. Um, I don't get it. It's that, and I can't just say that it's the, uh, Miami Beach area because I've kind of seen that

in like a number of different cities. It's that, that Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton influence where I don't know, I don't know what happened to broads. I don't know how they went from the 1950s to early 60s, which I think was the high point of cl, at least classy looking women. God knows there was plenty of gold digging whores back then, but that whole era there, man, the way they dressed, telling you, they look classy. Your approach to them was different down here. It's just, it's fucking ridiculous. I'm sitting there with my lady. I'm trying to pay attention to her as she's talking to me and these two chicks at the fucking next table, this girl sitting there with their tits. They're like, they're almost, they were as close to being out of her dress as humanly

fucking possible. You know, so that's what am I thinking? Am I looking at her like, oh, look at that beautiful, beautiful woman. I'm not, I'm thinking, what would it be like if I just stuck my dick right in the cleavage as my end of my girl's voice just fades off in the background. I can't fucking hear what she's saying. Um, yeah, it's, uh, I've had it. I've had enough down here. I haven't fucking done with it. I'm not going in the ocean. I respect the ocean. All right. There's sharks in there. There's barracuda, there's jellyfish, the goddamn ocean itself can just get mad at you and drag you out to fucking sea when it feels like it. And then you're supposed to remain calm and just sort of, oh, which way is it dragging me? I guess I'll swim sideways. I think that's

what I'll do. You know, there's the ocean just fucking attacks you pulls your bathing suit off. You know, even if you survive, you're going to be walking up there with the sunburned dick. Is that what you want? That's not what I want. That's not what I'm looking for in a vacation. All right. These fucking ladies down here, they're ridiculous. And I've been making fun of them all week. And uh, every broad I've been around, uh, yeah, I don't know that they are or people from Miami, they try to defend them. Are you there? You don't, you don't understand down here. It's Miami, the weather. It's just we are used to walking around with let's shut the fuck up walking around less clothes. All right.

Having your tits hanging out of your fucking shirt and having a shirt designed to show as much of your titty as humanly fucking possible. That's a different thing. All right. That's not, oh my God, it's so fucking hot out. You know, I saw, right? You know, it was funny. It was late at night and one of these, these hooker dressed women who wasn't a hooker was walking by herself on the other side of the street. And I said to the guy, go, look at that right there. I go, that's your daughter. That's your daughter walking down the street. What are you going to say to her? And he just started laughing, shaking his head. It's like exactly, she looks like a fucking street walker. And now she's away from the goddamn herd.

Well, what are you going to say to her? Fucking five inch fucking, every goddamn one of them. How much, how much for a fucking blowjob? Um, yeah, that, that really is Miami beat. So if you want to come down, if you want to come down here and you want to bang a 10, uh, I think it's almost impossible not to, because if you hook up with anything down here, they're absolutely fucking gorgeous and they're dressed like absolute fucking hookers. Um, I think I saw maybe two or three class acts the entire time I was down here. So, um, it was going to be great is the amount of people who are going to fucking email me and they're going to try to defend, um, what is going on down here. All right. And all you females from Miami who are going to defend this type of shit, let me

ask you this. If you're saver, if you're saver, not your savior, your fucking savior, Jesus, age Christ showed up. Okay. And he was at one of those after parties all of a sudden, you know, he finally comes back and proves assholes like me wrong. There he is. Jay star, you know, on the one and two with the fucking headset on right up there fucking all of a sudden starts re remixing. Keep in mind that Jesus Christ has died for us and has risen from the dead. All right. And he comes back. I mean, aren't you at the very least the second you see him? I know two things you're going to do. One, you're going to take off those goddamn shoes. And number two, you're going to reach for your little granny shawl to cover your tits up. That's what you're

going to do. I think that's what you're going to do. And you're probably going to try and stand behind as many thick legged, sturdy whores as you possibly can. As you text your friend, OMG, can you please find me a pair of pants? What would Jesus do, everybody? What would he do? I'm probably going to get a ton of shit for trash and fucking Miami like that. Like I did from the Potheads last week. Some guy actually gave me shit because I do that that voice. Hey, man. And he's like, I've never heard anyone shut. You know what I'm talking about. Go watch that documentary on the Fillmore. All right. It's a fucking, it's an impression of the hippies from Woodstock. I realized that people don't talk

like that anymore. I'm exaggerating for comedic effect. You fucking cunt. I thought when you smoked weed, everything became funny. Why aren't you giggling right now? Huh? Angry Pothead. And you never answered my fucking question. None of you did. How many weed smokers? All right. Who fucking, I came up with my fucking question about mushrooms. I was trying to make some sort of point last week. You guys were all afraid of it. Stayed away. You changed the subject like a bunch of fucking politicians. When's the economy going to turn around, governor? You know, in 1972, when this town was built, we had a vision. What the fuck are you talking about? Answer the goddamn question. Anyway, so I got to see all sides of this state. I saw the

who is, I saw the, you know, the fist pumpers, you know, that really sounds fucking filthy, doesn't it? A bunch of twinkle toes down here too. And then after I took a tour of the Everglades the next day, right? Finally got to do that, went on a fan boat and I got to admit, man, I was pretty fucking nervous. First of all, you know, what's great is you go outside of Miami and you get a half mile out there and the drop off. It's just like the ocean, you know, where you just sort of wade out and everything's great. You know, what do you call one of those drop offs? We have any oceanographers listening? Huh? What do you call that? Where all of a sudden it goes from like, you know, five feet deep to like 125 feet and you just slip into that

darker water and no one ever hears from you again, you know? And then one day you come crawling back up on the fucking beach with three quarters of your body going like, like the end of the Terminator, the first one, you know, when he crawls after he sticks that little canister in his robot rib cage. Remember that? And he just starts crawling. Actually, watch that movie. Unedited. Fucking great film. Stands up, stands the test of time. Anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? Yes, so I start the second you get outside the drop off, where it goes from I'm in Miami, bitch, and I'm for some reason still wearing those white louvert Kanye West Grammy glasses that he wore like five years ago. Yeah, what's funny about him? He broke his jaw. Now he always looks upset.

He's got that bulldog mouth with his bottom lip sticks out a little, little more than the upper lip. Anyways, you go out there and it just immediately becomes, why? You want yourself some frog legs? Got myself a pickup truck. It's the one out there with the steel balls hanging off of it. How do you like my mullet? You like this shit? Immediately went out there. All of a sudden, there's like, there's like signs, billboards for like bingo parlor and this casinos. So we go all the way out there and as we're driving, they got these goddamn canals. And these fucking alligators hanging on that big ones, just sort of like little like, I don't know, little five footers, but still five foot alligator, man. If that thing bit you, you know,

I'm sure you can maybe pull yourself away from the thing. I don't know what, I don't know what you do. Are you one of your friends? Good start. I guess you poke them in the eye. I have no idea what the fuck you do to them, but you're definitely losing your calf muscle or a chunk of your leg. You know, broken arm when they start doing that goddamn death roll, they just lay in there. I don't know, like people down here, they're used to them. Alligators and shit, but like, someone like me, a Yankee from up north, I really don't do well with reptiles. They freak me the fuck out. So I know I'm on my way to the Everglades. They got all these alligators, they have our water moccasins or cotton mouth, as they're called. And I learned because they,

they sit there with their mouths open when, when they feel like they're threatening and they have all, it's all white inside their mouths. It's like black mamas. I always thought that snake was black. It isn't the inside of its mouth is black. The outside is sort of a gray, not Jesus Christ. Bill, what is this fucking animal planet? Can you get to the goddamn comedy or go fuck yourselves? I learned some things this week. So we show up out there, right? It's me, another comedian, and both are fucking ladies and took one of those fan boats. Now I'm going to give you some advice. All right. You can be a cheap fuck and go on one of those fucking air boats. I guess they call them and go on there with like 10, 12 other fucking people, or you can shell out another 20 bucks

ahead and you can go on one by yourself. I definitely suggest that one because this time of year, the water is a little bit shallow and the other people will get bogged down with the weight in theirs and we fucking blew by all of them and a little disappointed. I didn't get to see too many fucking alligators. I guess they were mating and they're shy and they're in the fucking tall grass or some shit. I don't know what was going on. So for the first three quarters of it, all I'm seeing is a bunch of goddamn birds. All right. Those white ones with the S, the S turn fucking next. I'm not gonna lie to you. It was actually was amazing and I was absolutely terrified that any second one of those fucking alligators was gonna come up and start and just rip off one of my legs

and plus you can't believe down here the amount of misinformation on alligators. These people are trying to tell me that those things can run 30 miles an hour. They go, they can't run 30 miles an hour for a long time and they also, they can't like, they can't run like Barry Sanders. They could just kind of go in a straight line. So what you do is you're supposed to serpentine, which I don't get that. It's like, shouldn't you just run in a straight line and then break right? Why would you then break left and become, you'd end up back in his fucking scope, wouldn't you? I don't know what. So I finally go on the fucking internet and I'm like, give me a goddamn break. Those fat fucks can run that fast. It turns out answers.com. How fast can they run says alligators cannot run at 35 miles

per hour. As previously, as a previous answer said, 35 miles an hour is how fast a horse runs or an Olympic speed skater. They said it's faster, it's faster, 35 miles an hour is faster than a deer. People tend to make outrageous claims about crocodiles with no basis. Just today I was on an Everglades tour and the guys, the guide said they could go 35 miles an hour on land. Said a fast alligator might go eight or nine miles per hour, according to a study in Australia. Young crocodiles might be able to reach as fast as 10.5 miles an hour, but only over a few yards. And also they're ambushed. They usually ambush people. So I don't know. They said, no, if they fucking run, they usually just running away. They're running back to water. They run like fat people. Well,

you run and all of a sudden you lose your footing and you just do a face plant. That's what they do. They just try to stay up and then they do a face plant right into the fucking water. But once they get in the water, you're screwed. So I was also thinking with all these goddamn alligators laying around, you know, how many, how many people get killed a year and evidently it's not that many. They only have like, they have like four or five attacks a year. That's it. Four or five attacks a year, but then they had like three people died all in one fucking week, or three people down here got attacked. Some woman joggers some shit. She was jogging and she decided to fucking cool off her feet in the water. And that was the last time they saw her.

Why the fuck would you do that? Why would you do that? That's why like whenever I watch like a fucking one of those horror movies from back in the day, that's what you're always yelling as you're watching it. Like what, why are you going in there? Why are you doing that? Like this is the same thing. If you live in Florida, if you feed a hot, fucking tough it out, go home and stick them in the tub. Dangle them in that fucking water. Can you imagine that shit? Oh my God. Second you get pulled in to this, to the moment you're underwater, you have to think, I would think, well, however long it takes the alligator to pull you from where you're seated into the water. What do you think that is? 0.8 seconds?

I would say for 0.4 seconds. The first 0.2, you're like, what the fuck? 0.3, you're holy shit. 0.4, you have hope. Maybe I can do, maybe I can do this. Oh, there's my ring. You hear that? There it is. Hey dude, I'm doing my podcast. Let me call you right back in about an hour, all right? That's the only normal one I can get. You want to hear my fucking things? I was in such a great moment there. All right, so 0.4 seconds, you have hope. Like, well, maybe I can do, oh no, I can't. That's 0.5. Then you're just like, I'm dead. 0.5 to 0.8, you're like, I can't believe I'm going to get, I'm going to die via alligator. And then once you're under the water, that's when you renew your

relationship with the Lord. And I know what you guys are probably thinking. You're probably thinking, well Bill, because you don't believe in that shit, what would you be thinking? I would be praying to God in a second. I'm going to fucking hedge my bets. My prayers would be hilarious. If you do exist, then you do give a fuck. Get me out of this or make it quick. Oh my God. How long do you think it takes? Like, how long do you think before you're dead? Is the thing just sitting there chowing on your liver and you're going like, for the love of God, eat my heart so I can die? I know it's getting really fucking morbid, but I don't know, man. I could not get comfortable. So we ended up going out there on the Everglades. I definitely recommend it. Although if you're going to go,

try to go April and May, because the water levels come up, I guess. And then also the mosquitos aren't that bad. There's a little travel tip for you. April and May, water levels come up. It's their mating season. I was just joking about them wanting to mate in the fucking tall grass and full of shit. Go during April and May. Definitely get your own fucking boat. And I would also say venture out as far as you can into the Everglades. Don't stop at the first one. Just keep going. Go as far as you can until you're out there with some fucking seminal Indians, you know, and they're calling you. The guide says white man speak with forked tongue. I think that that's the one you want to get on. We actually had just a couple of redneck dudes.

And the redneck dude we had, the guy's name was Regis. And they had all this airboat humor. You know, where they were just like, you know, if you enjoyed the tour, get out to the left. If you didn't get out to the right, you get it, because then you'd step in the water and the alligators are in there. But seriously, folks, don't hang your legs off the boat at any point as we're going through here. Those of you who are wearing hats, I suggest you take them off and turn them off backwards, because if you don't, they've been known to fly off, they go into the fan and then they don't fit as well. I'm just kidding. All right, folks, seriously, turn your hats around. If you're wondering, no, I am not part shark. That's just my awful dentition.

I'm just fucking with you. Keep your fucking hands and legs inside of the boat at all times. This is what an alligator sounds like when it's trying to mate. They did all that shit. It was fucking tremendous. We saw another boat that got, it got hilarious. This boat, one of those boats that had too many people on it, it actually went aground. So they were just sitting out in the Everglades waiting to be towed in. So we came over to see if we could help them out. And it was hilarious. It was like six people all from Germany. So they were getting the full on red neck experience. I would love to hear the stories they're going to tell when they get back. They're just sitting there. We pull up and they're like, one tie. Hello. Yeah. One tie. And they had the

most redneck dude ever. And he was just standing there. He had completely given up. Like there's no way you can get towed out. And so he puts a cigarette in his mouth. And he's fishing for his lighter as he's talking to the other redneck on. He's like, just goddamn garbage can you know what they say? If it won't go, chrome it. And as he's saying that, but he's saying it like, he's saying it like this, you know, with his lips together because he wants to hold onto a cigarette. So a cigarette sitting there flapping around as he's reaching for his lighter. And it was amazing. It was one of those moments as a performer. I'm watching this guy going, this guy doesn't even realize it. But if this guy is actually, if someone could imitate him, they would win an

Oscar with what he's doing right now. Just sitting there. You know what they say? Won't go chrome it. That cigarette flapping. I'll tell you that boy, he's fucking rock of dark snake was on it. It was just so goddamn authentic. And I was sitting there with Nia and we both immediately just looked down at the ground and just started cracking up. And not an asshole. Why not judging him? And I looked over at Nia at one point. I was like, you know what? I was like, Lemmy doesn't have shit on this guy. I'm not saying this guy's beyond Lemmy, but these two could fucking hang out and they would be two peas in a pod. Speaking of which, underrated anybody see that documentary on Lemmy from Motorhead? It's fucking tremendous. I'm one of those radio Motorhead fans. All I know is the

ace of spades, but definitely a fascinating guy. And yeah, I think it's on demand this month. You should definitely try and check it out. So anyway, so we end up going through the fucking Everglades. And then the end, I know I made fun of those fanboat guys, but they're actually they're great dudes. Tip them, don't be a fucking asshole. And then we got off and they gave us a baby alligator. They said that you get one of these, you get one of these with every trip, take it, stick it in water, don't tell anybody you got it. And when it gets too big, you just flush it down the toilet. No, they didn't get, they actually, they just let us hold one. And it was actually pretty cool. I kind of, I was terrified to do it. Not like terrified. I just thought it

was going to fucking bite my finger off. So it was weird. The dog training that I got through working with Cleo, I realized that when you, at least when you go to make a move with a dog, if you're going to go pet a dog, you don't, you don't know pun intended alligator on it. You don't start to pet it and then go, oh wait a minute, is it going to bite me? Because then they feel that and then that makes them feel fucked up. So the guy goes, you know, take the alligator, grab it right here. And before I would even think, I just fucking made sure I had its mouth closed, held it by its goddamn tail. And I got the picture taken. But I got to admit, I was nervous handing it back. You know, like I think I could actually hold the most poisonous snake in the

world. If you showed me how to do it, I think I could grab it by the back of its head, you know, and I wouldn't get bit. But when I was going to get bit was the, the letting go of it. Like, I don't know, I don't get that whole, do you like fucking throw it, like hold onto the tail so it can't coil up and then you fuck, why am I asking you guys like your fucking snake experts? You know what somebody's going to be? Hey, you guys want to hear about the, so I definitely recommend that. And tonight I'm actually going to go to the, actually this will be tomorrow night with the podcast. I'm going to the, the Panthers are playing the Washington capitals. I'm going to get to see Alex. What is he the great? Is that what they call him?

Alexander the great. I'm going to get to watch him in his fucking nine goals this year. The fuck are the capitals doing? You know, can they, can they, can they turn that horse loose? What's going on with those guys? How about them Bruins? But they went six and oh, six and oh on their, their, their road trip. One another one at home and last night they stole a point from the penguins. His motherfuckers are seven oh and one. The last eight games, if you can't do the math, that's fucking great. I hope they're not peeking too early, but all of a sudden, you know, we look all right with the penguins injuries. I don't know. Who do you think it's going to be this year? I think you got to go with the flyers.

You know, they were there last year. They came oh, so fucking close. I think the flyers are the goddamn team to beat, but for some reason the penguins with all their injuries, the filthy fucking Pittsburgh penguins. Those sons of bitches, they seem to be playing all right too. I don't know. It all comes down. Can you beat them four times in seven games? I don't know. I don't fucking know. All right. You guys want to read some? I want me to read some angry email, an angry email from a fucking pothead. All right. I got one who disagrees with my view on pot. Okay, Bill, dude, you have obviously never regularly hung out with any weed smokers or smoked weed yourself. Wrong on both counts right there, sir. I hung out with some

of the biggest potheds you're ever going to meet in your life. I'm talking about people who smoked every fucking day because they couldn't deal. They use stuff. They quotes like this. Why do you get high at work? Why do you, why do you smoke all the time? Dude, I like pot because it turns my world, turns my life into a movie. That's what this buddy of mine said. All right. So yes, I have hung out with them. He said, you are usually on point with what you say, but you talk like someone who has absolutely zero knowledge of weed. I've never seen someone with that. I've never seen, oh, this is the guy. I've never seen someone with that tired, cliched pot smoker voice. Obviously you haven't. All right. But if you watch Shaggy and Scooby,

you see it right there. They're making fun of the whole Woodstock generation. And did I mention that earlier? I can't even remember. If you watch that fucking, there's a documentary about Bill Graham, and he's having the last night at the Fillmore, and there's a musician. If anybody can find the clip on YouTube, I think they took it down. That guy is just like, well, hey, man, you know, it's like, you know, man, it's like, like, fuck you and thanks for their memories, man. You know what I'm saying, man? You got to listen to the guy. That's the guy everybody's making fun of. All right. That's what I'm doing. I've realized that people in 2011 don't talk that way, sir. So anyways, he said,

most pot smokers are like anyone else and don't sound like they have Down syndrome. As funny as you are, it pains me to hear you talk out your ass when usually you have good points. Please smoke a joint and shut the hell up. All right, that part was funny. PS, I know you're going to tell me to go fuck myself because it's your podcast, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who notices this about you. You know what? I'm going to tell you what I'm really sick of. I'm really sick of overly sensitive fucking pot smokers. You know, you guys are about as self-righteous as fucking Jesus freaks. I've had it. I've had it with you guys. I've had it with your lies of how, you know, you know, there's like, there's no drinking and driving. You can get pulled over

for that and there's a test and there's nothing for weed. And then pot smokers say, well, you know what? I actually think you drive better when you're high, you know, everything's so fucking clear. They say dumb shit like that. They say smoking weed is not addicting. I just do it because I like it. You're all fucking full of shit. All right, I think weed is one of the more dangerous drugs is because everybody thinks it isn't fucking dangerous. And I think the danger of that drug is that you just, I don't know, it just makes you want to sit on the goddamn couch. All right, now, and of course, someone's going to send me an email. I smoke weed every fucking day and I'm a fucking the valedictorian in my class. Really? Well, you're a fucking exception.

All right, you are doing damage to your brain. You are fucking burning up your brain cells. Why can't weed smokers admit that? Is it because it's illegal and you want to make it legal that you can't be honest the way a drunk like I am? That alcohol fucking turns your nose into fucking, you look like WC fields. It fucks up your liver. It kills brain cells. You get behind the wheel of a car and you could kill yourself or even worse kill somebody else. Why can't you guys admit that shit? Huh? Ha, man, why can't you say that, man? I'm just fucking with you, by the way. You know what? I can't actually can't say all weed smokers like that because I only got one fucking email. Somebody really disagreeing with me on my views on weed. I don't know. I don't fucking know. You

know, my one thing I will, I will, I will stand by this because I am just fucking around. I do know this. All right. You can come home after work and have a beer, possibly two beers, depending on your tolerance. And yet maybe you're a little buzzed. That's it. These motherfuckers who come home and get, they get high, you get high. You, you basically do the same as me drinking like six beers. It'd be like me getting drunk every night. If I drank six beers every night, my girl would be talking to me going, I think you need to go to some meetings, but there's really no meetings for people who smoke weed, basically every fucking, if you're getting high four fucking nights a week, think about this shit. All right. You multiply that times 52 fucking weeks, not to freak you out,

man. This is fucking 208 days of the year. You're fucking high. If I'm getting drunk two or an eight times a year, what's the, was I at one point? I think I was. That's what I finally, I started doing the fucking math. And I was like, I am very quietly kind of a fucking alcoholic here. If you, if you get drunk two times a year, I'm really sounding like a fucking cunt right now, but I'm just, this is just shit. I worked out. If you get drunk two times a week, Friday, Saturday night, that's over a hundred days a year. That's basically a third of the year your shit faced. And that's only two times a fucking week, eight days a month. That's, you know, then you throw in the random Monday night football. I would like another pale ale,

you know, next thing you know, you had three or four, walk out of the house, you fucking feel like you're floating in your loafers, right? You get out there in your Toyota Camry. You didn't hit anybody, you go home, you wake up the next day, you feel like shit. How many times you do that a year? At least 20, right? There's a third of the year your shit faced. So pot smokers on the other hand, like, you know, they got a whole different thing. Like if I fucking walked by a guy in a car and he's got a beer, I can't just come up to the window. Hey man, let me get, let me get a couple of pulls off of that and just shotgun one of his beers. Thanks man. Thanks for getting me drunk. Like pot smokers, they do that shit all the time. Maybe because it's illegal. I don't know what it is.

But they get fucking baked, which is the equivalent I think I have in like, you know, five, six beers. What I'm saying is, is you pot smokers, you're a lot more fucked up than you realize. So get off your goddamn high horses. Or is it, you're not even on high horses. You're just trying to tone down the effects of that shit. Isn't that what you're doing? So they'll make it legal so you can just smoke it and not worry about it. And not to mention how toxic fucking weed is now. I remember when I was living in New York, this dude came up to me, he's like, yo, I smoked this shit last night. It's called retarded. Because yo, you be smoking that shit and yo, you just be retarded. You just be sitting there. You just be sitting there like this, yo. And he makes this fucking

face like he doesn't have a thought in his goddamn head. All right, all that shit, chronic. All of that shit that just fucking burns your goddamn head up. I don't know. You know, fuck, you know, something, go fuck yourselves. If I can sit here and admit how bad whiskey is. And then I was sitting there like Judy Garland for a quarter of the year. You know what I mean? I'm not saying you should quit. I'm not saying that you shouldn't, that you, you know, you shouldn't smoke more of it. I'm just saying stop acting like you're taking fucking Flintstone vitamins. You know, because if you really wanted to, rather than smoking it, you could turn it into a hoodie. Okay. Or write the fucking

Declaration of Independence. Isn't that what they said? Isn't that one of the theories out there? Declaration of Independence is written on hemp paper, man. Anyway, so someone who agrees with my views on pot, I can, the amount of listeners I'm going to fucking probably lose this week agrees with your view on pot. Here we go. Hey, Bill, this morning. Okay. Hey, Bill, this has been bothering me for a little while now and I'm not sure what to do. I'm 19 years old. I go to UMass Amherst. Go Minutemen. I had a, that's one of the worst fucking names. You know, something Minutemen used to be like the fighters because they could be ready in a minute, right? The Minutemen go fight the revolution and then somewhere along the line, I believe

hip hop and R&B turn Minutemen into people who prematurely ejaculate. Do you like how my sentence slowed down there? Cause there's too many words with big syllables. No, I just been hitting it hard down here. Sorry. I had a girlfriend my first semester of college and was still in high school, when I was still in high school. There you go. Oh, she was still in high school. Oh, wait a minute. Sorry. Now it's getting a little creepy. Was she a senior? We both knew that I would be going far away and we agreed we would stay together. However, I guess her feelings changed and she wanted to be single. I was devastated when she broke up with me and I've been really down because she was the first girlfriend that I really liked. Didn't I read this last week? I think this happens

to a lot of guys and I wasn't just trying to get laid. I really liked this girl. So after a few weeks, I found out she was hooking up with this kid that I consider to be a friend. This is the exact same as last week. I swear to God, this is a different email though, because we've been hanging out over the summer and partying together. What's fucked up about the whole situation is that this isn't the first... Oh, I read this last week. Didn't I? This isn't the first time this guy's done this to me. At the end of my senior year, I broke up with a different girl and this kid was hooking up with her about a month later. Didn't I answer this one? I let that one slide again. I didn't really give a fuck about any of his girlfriends. Yeah, dude. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So his question

is, should I go back to this kid and tell him to stop going after my ex-girlfriends? Yeah, yeah, you should. You should. I mean, who gives a fuck? He's going after your sloppy seconds. Just ask him that. I thought I said this last week. Just call him up and be like, listen, dude, do you have an ability to get laid without fucking something that my dick's already been in? All right? Do I have to be your dick, Lewis and Clark? The fuck is wrong with you? Why don't you go forge some of your own? Stop being Kobe Bryant and be Michael Jordan. Stop doing the shit that I already did and taking credit for it, you fucking cunt. Fuck you and that fucking whore that you're with right now. Okay? Do you realize that this keeps up? Someday I'll be able to say,

hey, I fucked your wife right before you fell in love with her. She loved it in the just say some mean shit like that. All right. How the fuck was that agrees with me on pot? I'm an idiot. All right, advice. Bill, this is my tale of woe. And in the interest of preserving the flow of the story, I'm using names. So I started at a Lexis dealership back in August. A little bit after that, a girl, I don't give a fuck if you know something, I don't name names, but if you guys are going to put names in your fucking thing, I'm not going to say last names, but I'm just going to name the names because my reading out loud skills are so fucking bad. I don't have time to add other shit here. All right?

So anyways, so Bill, I started working at an election dealership back in August. A little bit after that, a girl named Ashley started in the accounting department. She was a cutie. For a few weeks, I kept getting shit from the guys in the parts department for not going after her. That's hilarious. What are they all married? Are they older perverts? Hey, look at her, man, I'm not sticking your fucking dick in her. Go over there. What are you a fucking fig? So they're giving me shit for not going after her, but I had a good reason. She was 20 years old. I'm 23, so it's not overly creepy. Dude, that's not even close to being creepy. That's good that you have a conscience about that, but think about that. Someday when you're fucking 47,

she's going to be 44, and she's going to be up your ass telling you where and where you can't wear your shoes in the house. So why don't you bang her at the height of her fucking good looks? All right, get that thought right out of your head. That's my first piece of advice. All right, let's continue. Right from the start, I knew she was going to be the kind of girl that could only communicate through her thumbs, text messaging, and be too immature to handle any actual conversation, not to sound self-righteous. But going after, against my better judgment, I followed my dick's advice and started to get something going. After a few weeks of us chatting every once in a while, I told her I needed a massage. Okay, dude, that's a really creepy way

to try to get her in the boat, so to speak. I need a massage. All right, we'll deal with your opening lines later on in this. All right, but just put a little fucking little little check next to that too. That's not a that's a creepy way to fucking enter the atmosphere there. All right. Anyways, like a champ, she tried her best to oblige, but shit kept popping up. When she walked by again, I jokingly handed her my number, telling her to call me and we'll schedule that massage. Dude, that's just creepy. Massage is creepy. That's a creepy word because creeps go to massage parlors and they have people fucking do things to them that is fucking creepy. And also a lot of perverts kind of go with the massage thing. You're young, you're 23,

I get it. I had zero game at 23, beyond zero, sub zero, freezing temperatures. I was horrific with women at 23. So the fact that you're even giving a girl a number, all right, you're way beyond where the fuck I was at. I'm not talking down to you, but you got to get the word massage out of your fucking game. It's just a creepy fucking word and it creeps women out. Anyways, the day after I wake up with that, after I gave the text message, whatever, I give my number, the day after I wake up, I have a text message says, Hey, it's Ashley. I can't help. So he says, Oh, I can't help but thank got you bitch. That's nice. So after a week of text, we get together. She finally calls me and pretty much invites herself over to my house. She comes over all gussied up, perfect outfit,

perfect makeup, the whole fucking package. We watched some TV and she comes up with the idea of bringing booze into the situation. Very nice. I agree. After a few hours or so, she finally says, I got to go. She gets up to leave. She tries to give me a high five as a goodbye. So I come back with a more of a kiss, good night kind of guy. Jesus Christ, dude. All she does is laugh and start walking to her car. I got mind fucked. All right, first of all, dude, you were there for two hours and you were drinking and she's over there. At some point, there's a moment where you got a make a move. If you don't make a move, then it gets weird and then they just shut down and say, okay, this guy isn't interested. So then she's going to leave and she says, Hey, good stuff.

It goes to high five you. And then all of a sudden you try to make it intimate in the last five seconds, you're going to be there and you come with a more of a kiss, good night kind of guy. That's just creepy, dude. You're creeping them out. All right. But I get it. All right. I was creeping them. I was I wasn't even in the game to creep them out at that point. And I went through my phase while I was creeping them out. I said dumb shit like that before too. So don't don't feel embarrassed or anything. Okay, you're just you're coming with, you know, it's like you're writing your first five minutes of comedy here. You know, this none of this shit is going to be embarrassing when you get older. All right, here we go. This continues after another week or so,

she calls me up again and invites herself over very nice. She comes over again all gussied up. We pop in waiting. I don't even know what that is. That's a movie. Okay. And she gets the booze. A few minutes go by and she asks if I want the massage. Very nice. Said I never got on my stomach so quickly. She straddles me and tells me to take my shirt off. I get a good 30 minutes in and I ask if I'm doing her next. Dude, your lines that it's like blunt force trauma. You're just punching this girl right between her tits with the lines here. Anyway, she says she tells me she doesn't know so I tell her just to lay down while telling her I can't work with shirts. Jesus Christ, dude. Can you try to finesse it a little bit?

I don't do high fives. I'm more about the kiss. Get your tongue out this, sweetie. You ain't leaving the house. You leaning against the fucking door when you said that? Jesus Christ. Okay. I say I'm not good with shirts. Where the hell am I? So she takes her shirt off and let me guess. As she took her shirt off, you didn't say anything. You weren't touching her or anything. You just sat there so it could be as awkward as humanly possible as you heard the sound of her taking her shirt off. As if she's just gotten arrested for drugs or something. She takes her shirt off and leaves on her bra. Of course she does, but that quickly gets out of the picture. Very nice. It's fucking nice. Oh, because she's 20. I get it. So her mind's saying no,

but she's too embarrassed so she continues. All right. After a while she says she has to go, but I told her she could just sleep here. She agreed. So thinking I was going to get laid, I went and I took a piss and got back to my room to find her fully clothed with her fucking coat on in my bed. I couldn't stop thinking, what the fuck? It goes, I slept pretty good though. All right. For all you rookies out there, there's a lot of guilt that young women have when they're going to hook up or whatever that they're doing. They got a lot of voices in their head about my being a horror and that type of thing. So the thing is you got to keep the fucking plates spinning. All right. You can't leave them alone. If you leave them alone for any period of time,

that gives them a chance to entertain that voice that's saying, why am I doing this? Do I want to do this? I work with this guy. We're not even going out. You gave her time to basically do the right thing. I don't know. So yeah, of course you come back. She's fully fucking clothed. It's like, I don't know how to use the analogy. Now I'm all set. I'm feeling like a creep now because I'm trying to teach you how to fucking bang a girl like this. This whole fucking email is just really creepy, but I'm halfway through it. I can't stop now people. All right. Let's go. He says now for the good part, December rolled around. Okay. Well, you've really never told me when this started. Oh, he said August. That's right. My fault. My fault. All right,

December rolled around and there was a company Christmas party. Oh, Jesus at my boss's house, which we both attended me and a buddy. I'm not saying his name went and she immediately finds and latches on to me after a few hours and her friends giving her a fuckload of booze to suck on. She comes up to me and asks if I want to get out of there while biting her lower lip and other gestures that drive me crazy. I agree. Then she goes out of her way to invite this other dude along, which leads us to believe that there's going to be some sort of double penetration action. Jesus Christ. No, she's bringing this other guy to fuck the whole thing up. That's going to be like the chaperone. So anyways, we choose this is how, you know, the next day, the phone call.

This is how all this shit goes because men and women just do not think the fucking same way, especially at this goddamn age, completely not understanding what's going on here. Anyway, so he said, we choose my place for the, for the alcohol and head out while we're walking out to the car. She has her hands all over me. So I'm thinking this shit is going down. Dude, this girl's like, she's a dick tease, man. Jesus Christ. We get to my place and we crack open some beer and she blatantly asked me to put some porn on to watch. Isn't this what happened to like the fucking Duke lacrosse team? At this point, I think it's, it's fucking over with. I start getting all touchy feely with her and she seems a little annoyed. Finally, she starts to wrestle

with me and I go into kiss her and she dodges me thinking she was playing. I continued my advances now. There's a lot of women getting upset here. You can't get fucking upset when she's doing that shit. You want to come up? Can we just hang out a little bite of the bottom lip? Let's put a porno on. I continue my advances and then she gets genuinely offended. Me being a little angry, I asked the other dude to leave so we can have a little chat and I proceed to ask her what the fuck or what the fuck she's looking for here. She tells me nothing and that she doesn't have any interest in me. Fucking furious, I just start playing a video game and drink Jamison while she continues to ask me what's wrong. I've never been so close to punching a girl. In closing, I started

sending her incredibly asshole-ish text messages. Oh dude, why would you do that? To self-destruct any chances of her talking to me again, but I still left, it still left a very country taste to my mouth. I'd love to hear you take on this. Alright dude. Alright, yeah, she's a dick tease. Alright, and I don't know if she's got a fear of being alone. She's using you. She's using you for company. She's probably doesn't have, obviously doesn't have a boyfriend, so she needs to get rid of her little fucking sexual angst, so she kind of takes it up to the point and then backs off from it. But the problem is with a girl like that, that first night she came over there, you had to close the deal. And when you didn't close the fucking deal, that's it. You got to

fucking walk away. And once you realize a girl is mind fucking you, basically being a dick tease, you have to, two things you have to do. You got to walk away, and two, you can't get mad. You have to accept that that's part of the fucking game. But for some reason, you really want to still bang this girl, you have to realize that then what you have to do is you have to start playing mind games back with her, which personally gets fucking exhausting. But if you want to do that in the future, what you then do is the next day when you go to work, this is provided you didn't get upset, is when you see her, you don't ignore her. You're not snide to her, you're not angry to her. What you do is you're like, Hey, are you doing a big smile? If it's acceptable to hug at work, if you

can do that, or whatever, you just be on cool with her. All right, but you don't try to go out with her or anything. And then later on that day, or whenever the opportunity arises, you compliment some other female within earshot of her. All right, that will cause a dick tease to be like, wait a minute, wait a minute, what? Fucking start coming your way. And that's how you, that's how you get them in the boat. You got to, you got to just turn or you get, it's weird, you got to walk backwards. You know what it is? It's like like charged magnets. You don't say if you're fucking, if you take a fucking, I don't know what the fuck it is. What am I trying to say? I don't try to say it's like you take a step towards it,

it fucking goes off the other direction. If you walk away, it starts coming towards you. And you just got to slowly, slowly back them into the boat. But I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what to tell you as far as your fucking open lies, what you really have to do, dude, is when you just want to fuck a girl, you have to say, you got to present that to them. You know? And the only way you got, you got to do it through bombing. Okay. You're blunt force trauma. Period. I don't know. It's impossible. It's like, how do I learn how to do stand up, right? Five minutes of jokes and you have to go up there. That's all, the only advice I can give you and you got to go up there. You got to

fucking figure it out for yourself. But like eventually you have to just, if you just want to bang a girl, you can't, you have the right instincts. You're staring the conversation towards sex, but you're doing it at 90 miles an hour. You're grabbing her by the back of the head and slamming her face into the wall. You can't do that. You know, I don't know. I don't know where to begin. I'm trying to think of all the fucking horrific things that I did back in the day. I remember one time hooking up with a girl who was like 23 or 24 when I was about 33 or 34. And what the fuck? She said at one point she got, she came over to my apartment and I invite her in, right? Because I was a veteran at that point.

If I don't have to take you to the movie, why do that? Come on up, meet me over my place. This is embarrassing. So she came over at one point, we start fucking making out, doing whatever, and then she says, wait a minute, where is this going? She hits me with that shit. And I was like, I'm like 11 years older than you. By the time you're 30, I'm going to be 68. What do you mean? Where is this going? It's going nowhere. You know, this is just basically, yeah, it's a sexual, I'm basically going to be the reason why you're not going to have a midlife crisis. Because all the fucked up shit you want to try, but are too afraid to do with the guy you're in love with, you can just do it with me. Obviously, I said a little smoother than that. And then,

you know, she was just like, oh, all right. Oh, Jesus Christ. And then I can't even tell you what happened then. And it's not sexual. It's disgusting. Oh, God, I gotta tell you, this is really fucked up. This is why I'm so happy I got a great girl now. So we end up fooling around. And the next morning, I wake up, you know, we started in the living room, ended in the bedroom, you know, that whole thing, you never, you never give them a chance to reconsider, right? I don't even give them the chance to fucking think about it from the living room into the bedroom. You don't do that. You just constantly hands are moving, you're kissing on the whole fucking thing, right? So she goes, this is, I can't believe I'm going to tell you this. She goes, I walk out into the

liver room the next day, because she's getting dressed and she's looking for underwear. And she had these white lace, like thongy kind of underwear, not a thong. No, thong, yeah. And they were in a, they were crumpled up on the floor. All right, if anybody gets really grossed out, I suggest just shut it off here right now. All right, I looked down at them. I was all proud of myself, you know, that I hooked up and I looked down and there was a skid mark about, I would say, at least four inches long, and those white panties. And I was like, I'm almost going to fucking dry heave. I didn't go down on her. Thank God. Oh, wow, this is really just coming back. And I was just like, I didn't know what to do. Because she was like, yeah, I can't find my underwear. So I fucking

went out the look for them and I found them. And then it's just like, you know, if I had a stick in my apartment, I would have picked them up and handed them to her. But I didn't have a stick. So I acted like I couldn't find them. I wandered over towards the kitchen and then she came walking out and she's like, Oh, there they are. And I know she saw what the problem was and she tried to play it off and she just put them on. That you know what, let's have a vote. Was that the most disgusting story I've ever told in the party? That was fucking horrific, right? I don't know. Was there any advice in that? Jesus Christ, I don't know how the fuck did I relive that one? Wow. Wow. How about some YouTube videos this week? Somebody sent me this YouTube video,

this guy on Dr. Phil, he has this website called menarebetterthanwomen.com. He's really like a cartoon character, kind of chauvinistic person, where he's just like, you know, women aren't good at working. I mean, they shouldn't be allowed to vote. Like he does shit like at that level, which is just cartoonish. There's a couple of funny things that he says at one point, he's standing next to an ATM and he's taking cash out. He goes, this is how women perceive men. This is how they look at us, right? Which obviously not all of them do, but it's so, it's such a true fucking statement. If he just adjusted a few words, said, if he said a lot of women, or there's a sizable group of women that look at guys like this, you know, and I know there's

a lot of broads out there that are getting upset by this, but you know, you guys say the same shit, don't you guys go on TV and the radio and what's that expression? A good man is hard to find. You know, but for some reason you can't say a good woman's hard to find. They are, they are hard to find. But this guy basically, so he goes on Dr. Phil and this lady starts heckling him and I'm telling you, when I say a classic, classic comeback, this, the comeback this guy has would have any respectable stand-up comedian on the ground laughing. This, this fucking lady, you know, they do the usual shit, you know, when they get insulted, when a guy insults them, they, they do, you know, they, they basically females have like, I don't know, for some reason, they,

they're very limited with their arguing ability. Like if they get an argument with the guy, then they're, they're either going to attack your dick size, your sexuality or uh, oh yeah, whatever. So that's basically what this woman does. She goes, you know, I'm listening to you, I bet you, you, you don't go out with any women, you know, she attacked them that way and he fucking, he, he brings the hammer down. I don't condone what this guy does. I actually think what he's doing is like paint by numbers sort of shock. There it is. I challenge anyone to have a gay or ringtone than that. Anyways, check out that YouTube video and we got a bunch of other funny ones. Well, I'm actually just coming up on an hour here. I'm trying not to make these things too

fucking long. Let's, let me just read a couple more advice and then a couple more. Is it racist, all right, here we go. Bill, hi from Australia. I seem to share a lot of your views and I want some advice on women. Jesus, this is all women stuff this week. I'm supposed, I'm only asking you because I want confirmation of my stance, but who gives a shit? Okay, so generally, so I generally look for value in things that I buy or things that I do with my time. I'm in my mid twenties and my parents and my parents friends put a lot of pressure on me to get a girlfriend. I've had girlfriends before and I always just got bored and sabotaged it or fucked it up somehow by not paying enough attention. I pretty

much decided that I want don't want to get married. Everybody calling me bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, makes me feel important. It feels like like announcement music, like I've just walked in and people are acknowledging. I know, I'm sorry. I need to download a ringtone. I should have the oh Jesus ringtone, but I don't. Anyways, let's go back to this. Fucking sabotage shit. To be honest, I'd rather spend my money on myself and spend my time doing things I want to do. Dude, that's very mature. You know, all you're going to do is just end up hurting somebody. He said, yeah, just bang them and then leave. That hurts way less, especially if you're up front. Where is this going? It's going nowhere, sweetheart. You want to ride it? No, sorry. As far as sex

goes, it takes too long. What? It's always worse than you thought it would be. Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't read any of these, by the way. And you're sweating your balls off under two feet of thermal blankets. Dude, you know, you have the option to not have those blankets on. Seriously, what the fuck is it with women and the temperature? I digress. Basically, I find women overall to be bad value. There's two types of men as I see it. Those in relationships that seem to be able to tolerate women and those that women won't go out with because they're ugly or don't have enough money. But I don't fit into either one of those groups. I think I'm perfectly capable of acquiring a girlfriend, but I just can't do it. At least, I can't be bothered maintaining a relationship.

I can see myself still being single at your age and was wondering how you've dealt with people constantly nagging you about being single. I can't really explain that the world is overpopulated and I'd rather watch my big TV in peace without some little annoying prick running around, because then I'm labeled as some sort of inhumane monster. Any advice you can offer will be much appreciated. You don't need any advice, dude. You know who you are and you know what you want. Just continue doing it and you have to realize that people look out of their own heads. You know, that's so they see the world, how they see it. And when you don't see it the way they do, they argue it or they're just confused. You're not hurting anybody. You know,

there's people out there who get married because they're of a certain age. Like, I should be getting married. This is the age you get married. They marry somebody they're not in love with, which is a fucking horrific thing to do to somebody. A lot more... I don't know. There's a lot of people out there who shouldn't have kids. They just fucking have kids and they're terrible fucking parents and they're selfish. They'd rather sit around watching TV like me or go learn how to play drums like me. I am a selfish, self-centered cunt and I would, you know, I think I'd be a good dad at this point. But, you know, I was an angry fucking maniac when I was in my 20s. You think I'm angry now. Like, this podcast wouldn't even have been funny in my 20s. It would just be like,

Jesus, dude. You know, when I would have brought a kid in the world, then he would have been an angry maniac. So, I don't know. It kind of bugs me that I waited this long, but in general, I'm kind of glad I did. What else? With that, what the fuck was I going to read? Oh, I know. A couple of, oh, Jesus, ones and then we're out of here. What the hell, how the hell do I get to this, you motherfucker? While I'm trying to get to that, coming up, I have, I'm going to be at the, the Wise Guys in Utah on March 18th and 19th. I have all that information up on my website, billburr.com. Please show up for that show, as is, it's a nice quick flight. And I would like to, I like nice quick flights. Makes me even funnier. All right, here we go. Here we go. Is it racist?

I haven't read this one at all. So, I have no fucking idea what this person's going to say. So, forgive me if this one, because the really offensive ignorant ones I just don't read, because I think people are just fucking around, or you're just beyond help. All right, hey, Bill, love your podcast, love your comedy. Here's what I want to ask if it could be racist, racist, racist. When the team warms up in the shoot around, I guess basketball, they basically well shoot around. And there's always one or two white guys who are not players. The team managers are assistants who pass the balls back to the players when they make or miss their shots. But the white player who was suited up in uniform was standing next to the other assistants or

managers and was passing the ball out to the other black players. And he never got a chance to take a shot before the game started. Considering every player on the team warmed up, except for the white guy who was sitting in a lawn chair, rebounding for every other black player on the team, isn't racist. Keep up the great work. Now, there's no racism going there. He's either lazy or hurt, or there's some sort of hazing going on. He might be a rookie or he fucked up in the last game, and that's his punishment. Or maybe it was his turn. I have no idea. There's no racism going on there. I don't think that they were saying, you know, do they have like a rally, their team there? And they just decided that this guy could not shoot the

fucking ball because he was white. I mean, you're really stretching it there. I'll tell you though, I did tell you guys this when I went to that Portland Trail Blazers game, when I was with Paul Verzi, and we put money on the Trail Blazers, and they were making a comeback against New Orleans, and they came down the court in a fast break, and they ditched it over to the white guy, and he fucking, I can't remember if he missed a dunk or whatever, and the second he did it, me and Paul both looked at each other and went, fucking white guy, fucking white guy, why would you get out of the game? Put on a suit and fucking, you know, start drawing on that little fucking legal pad or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be doing, but you know, or stay out on the

perimeter. Don't try to take it to the fucking rack. And if you do try to take it to the rack, do what Paul Gasol does, just start screaming like you just got raped, because maybe then you can take a couple of unguarded shots, shots by the file line. I'm telling you, watch your Lakers game. Anytime Paul makes a move, oh, as he goes there, I just fucking hate that fucking, he's a great basketball player, but that fucking, what are you yelling about? Sorry. All right, Bill, is it racist? Is it racist for me to say all Asians are racist? Yes, I would think so. I'm a white guy that happens to have dated a lot of Asian women of different backgrounds from some Asian, some Asian Americans, some actually born abroad, all of whom were explicitly racist,

mostly against other Asian ethnicities. For example, my Korean ex hates Japanese people, a Chinese ex hates Filipinos, a Japanese ex thinks the Chinese are stupid, and the Taiwanese are stuck up, et cetera. I should note that I didn't exclusively target Asian women to date. I dated all sorts of women, some of them were Asian. My wife, a white girl thinks it's racist, when I say that all Asians are racist. Yeah, well, it is dude. I mean, just because the five that you banged, I mean, how many Asian women you would have to fuck and have that experience with before you realize that. Now, I'm not going to sit here and try and pretend like those groups get along with each other. It's pretty safe to say any country that borders

another country, they don't like them. England and Ireland, England and France, France and Germany, Germany and everybody, Japan, Koreans, Japan, what they did, I mean, first of all, I understand if people in China have issues with people in Japan for what the fuck they did during World War Two. I read this book called The Rape and Nan King. I mean, that alone, it was just fucking brutal. So I mean, I don't know, maybe, maybe you, I don't know, I don't know, maybe you just kept, you know, you know, when you keep dating women, I mean, women's a psycho, and then you kind of figure out that you keep picking psychos. Did you, I don't know, that's kind of, I'm kind of stretching it there. How does that work? Did you just keep

somehow picking racist Asian women? Were you attracted to them? Ah, it's fucking bizarre, but I think, yeah, I think it is racist to say that. You can't say, you could say every Asian woman I dated was racist if that's what it was. Ah, what the fuck knows. Anyways, hey Bill, as a fellow pasty white male dating a beautiful black woman, I say racist shit all the time. Really? All right, the N word is off limits, but I do make fun of her for having the middle name La Fonce. Is that how you say it? L-A-P-H-O-N-Z. I also tend to react to any stories on TV shows about young black males by saying how hard it, how hard it is for me to live my life as a strong black man. See, this is a danger if not reading these up before. I consider entering the Mr.

Black San Diego contest. That would be funny, I guess. Am I racist? I'm going to end up marrying this beautiful woman. Sorry about the Comedy Central show not working out. Is it racist? I'd have to hear how you're doing it. If you're fucking around and you're being a dick, you could be a dick. Yeah, I mean, a lot of the shit that you said, now that I read it out loud on the podcast, probably would be considered racist or offensive and that type of thing. It depends. Is your girlfriend laughing? I mean, I believe me. The shit that comes out of my mouth when I watch TV, every fucking thing you could think of, I make fun of fucking everybody. So if you're doing that, like my girl watches reality TV, I fucking can't stand it. So I make fun of every goddamn person on it.

She laughs sometimes, other times she gets annoyed, but the reason why she's getting annoyed is because I'm disrupting the show. Not because I'm truly saying anything offensive, but I don't know. Is it racist that you're doing that? I think she would say something. I think the day she gets up and punches you in the face, I think you're going to know, or she really gets mad. And if she really gets fucking mad, then you have to realize that you're taking it beyond the point. And then also, just because you have a black girlfriend, you can't use that to be like, well, I have a black girlfriend. I can't be racist. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. You could still be fucked up. You can have issues with other groups of people. Jesus

Christ, I'm fucking sick of this topic. I think this might be the last week of this fucking topic. Maybe it's because I'm in a hotel room. Well, you can't open the fucking windows, and it's 900 fucking degrees out. Why can't I open the fucking windows and get fresh air in here instead of having to turn on the goddamn air conditioner? Why the fuck can't I do that shit? You know why? Because there's a bunch of sue happy fucking cunts out here, which is why you can't open the fucking windows in a hotel room. Because they got to worry that some douchebag is going to get drunk and fall out or jump out himself. You know, so then guys like me have to suffer. It's the same fucking reason why you can't find a goddamn hotel pool that's deeper than three feet,

because some fucking asshole is going to get drunk and drown himself in a legitimate deep end. Oh, here's something I learned, and I actually tweeted about it like a fucking pussy, is here's one for you. Don't judge a hotel by its lobby. All right? It's the same thing as when you have a piece of shit car and you want to sell it so you slap some rims on it, you know, or a high performance fucking exhaust system. So it sounds like it has more power than it does. All right? It's fucking because they go all out with the lobby. And then he put that shit on the website and you think everything's fucking fine and dandy. And then all of a sudden what happens? You get in the goddamn elevator and you step off the elevator and they have that casino rug from

fucking 1973. Looks like they sew together like 12 Robin Williams fucking shirts. Dude, I have in my hotel, I have an old school fucking, what do you call the old tube? It's not a flat screen. It's fucking ridiculous. The amount of money I'm on Miami beach and I don't want to fucking talk about it. Whatever. All right, that's the podcast for this goddamn week. All right, people stop suing people so we can have legitimate fucking pools. Can you do that so you can open a hotel fucking window? It's your fault if you fall out. Okay, it's your fault if your kids are moron and you're not a good parent if the kid crawled away from you and fell out the fucking window. What were you doing? Huh? Tie him down. It's fucking brutal. All right, that's the podcast

for this week. I'm going to hype some upcoming dates here. I never sweated during a fucking podcast before. Suddenly ridiculously hot. All right, here we go. I'm going to be at Wise Guys in West Valley City, Utah on March 18th and 19th. What did you guys think about that kid on BYU? Sorry, had the hiccups. Kid on BYU, played on the basketball team and he admitted that he had pre-marital sex, knocked his girlfriend up, said he was going to marry her and they still kicked him off the team. I got to go with the college on that one, believe it or not. They told you what the rules were. If you didn't like the rules, don't go to the fucking school. That's like if I get booked on a corporate gig. I know I've used this example before and they said we want him to work

totally clean. This is how much we're going to pay and I say okay and then I show up and then I start dropping F-bombs, right? They have the right to get mad. Don't take the fucking gig. Don't go to BYU if you want some pussy. They make you sign a no pussy contract. Don't sit there and act surprised and all these other fucking assholes who aren't Mormons with 32 wives. That's why they marry so many fucking women by the way. They're trying to make up for those college years when they didn't get to fuck. And now because they're married, they can have a fucking orgy. Can you imagine that? Do you think that would be worth it? I know the old joke. Jesus Christ, you can't put over one woman and get above fucking four. Actually the reality is she just get a couple

of call girls and do that, pay them and then just have them fucking leave, right? That's probably what you should do. But if you had four fucking wives, that would be great. You would win every argument unless they all banded together and then you'd be in trouble. Oh Jesus, you could do a lot of pimp shit too. Start, you know, to gain even more control. You could just, you know, the ones that are the weakest one, you start treating her the best because she's doing all the good shit and you break down the other ones, you know, till you get them in line. Then they look like once, you know, these proud free mustangs running in the wind. Now they're just sitting there with their heads looking down at the carpers. They bring you over TV dinner. I think I'm going to move to

Utah. I'm also going to be at the, I'm going to be at the Wretchie, Wretchier Theater in Maryland on April 8th. And I'm going to be at the Tawa Theater in Philadelphia on April the 9th. All these dates are on billbird.com. And that is it. That is, that is the podcast for this week. I hope all you guys hope you enjoyed it. I hope you learned some things. I hope I, I hope I annoyed some potheds out there. Potheds, I'm just fucking around. All right, smoke it every goddamn day. I don't give a shit. All right, but don't give me this horse shit that it's not addicting. All right, you smoke it because you can't fucking deal. Yeah, I shouldn't even tell you this story. I had a buddy of mine. He was fucking,

he was working at a car dealership one time and he got high and there was somebody looking at a car, you know, and they were bent down in front of the car and he got in the car and it was a stick shift and he didn't press in the clutch and he turned the key and it lurched forward and he hit the guy right in the head. And he tried to act that he would never admit that he was high. It was like, dude, it was, he goes, he calls me up, right? He's like, dude, he leaves a message. He's whispering. That's how fucking scared he is. He's whispering into my phone. Maybe he's at work. And I was like, dude, I, I, I, I hit somebody with a car, dude. I, I, I, I thought I had the car, dude, dude, I, I thought I had the car neutral, dude. And I, I went to turn the key and it,

dude, I hit the guy in the head, dude, dude, call me. Somehow he didn't get fired. That's another reason why I think weed is worse than booze. People, you know, you can get fucking high at work. No one fucking knows. No one knows, you know, little vizine, a little fucking gum. No one knows, right? You guys are bringing down this country with your fucking cookies. You realize that? You're a bunch of lazy Dorito eating sons of bitches. Just sitting there getting baked. Do you realize that your potheads are the reason why so many awful movies get made? Because they know, they know people out there are smoking dope. And then when they put it out on, on demand, they're going to fucking rent it. And it only has

to be like remotely funny. And then shit that wasn't even supposed to be funny is going to be funny because these fucking potheads are going to be sitting there. They're going to be high. Giggle it. Like a bunch of school girls, you know, your potheads got a lot of fucking balls. You realize that? You fucking disgusting fucking habit, passing it around to each other. That's why that's why there's so many goddamn cold sores out there. You know, the number one cause of cold sores in this country is you fucking potheads passing the things around to each other. Do you realize that? You know, I remember cracking open a beer. I don't remember passing it around to nine other fucking

people. Hey, let me get a swig of that. Open your own, you cunt. It's why I like weed, man. It's more social. Yeah, go fuck yourself. Why don't you go take a fucking shower and take off those goddamn outback pants. All right, I'm sick of them. All right, with your bracelet around your ankle. All right, you're not more in touch with nature because you're smoking trees. All right, get out there, get a fucking job, straighten up potheads. You just spent the last decade of your life on a fucking couch. You know, when are you going to put your helmet on, get in the goddamn game? Is that what you're going to do? You're going to sit there like some kept woman, except you're kept by yourself and you're fucking awful habit.

I got to get high, dude. I can't deal unless I'm high. You know, you're really going to sit there and act like you don't know that guy. How come all they talk about is the alcoholics? This is like the fucking broads. All they do is talk about wifebeaters, but they never bring up gold digging horse. Why don't you fucking get your goddamn fucking pothead ass up off the couch and go look in the fucking mirror. Look what you're doing to yourself. Look at your eyes. Feel how your brain feels compressed. I'm looking down my alky nose at all you fucking potheads. There is a reason why weed is illegal and alcohol isn't. All right, because alcohol is better for you. Alcohol is what a man does. All right, weed is what some pussy does who can't afford to pay

for a good pizza. So he's got to fucking get himself so fucking disoriented that that's how Domino survives those fucking assholes. Do you know Domino's makes such shitty pizza that actually potheads even fucking noticed? Do you realize that? So they actually had to have an ad campaign where they fucking admit that their pizza sucks and that it's stuck to the top of the box and it's completely unacceptable, right? And now their big ad campaign is we admit that our pizza sucks and now we're going to start trying. We've only been around for what 30 fucking years. Now we're actually going to try to make decent pizza, right? So you think automatically they're going to raise the price they're going to add to the quality. They're still selling like a large

cheese pizza for $5.99. All right people, you get what you pay for. All right, don't order Domino's. That's pothead pizza. That's what those fucking drug users. That's what they stick in their temple. All right, that's why they're so fucking dumb. That's why, when was the last time you talked to a smart pothead? Have you ever seen a pothead with initiative? You know? You know how many people are going to take that seriously and start sending me fucking emails about, uh, what about Bob Marley, man? Well, he fucking all new kind of music man. He was fucking dead of lung cancer. You know, from smoking goddamn joints the size of a bus exhaust. It's no different. No different than a boozehunter drinks himself to death at 28.

You know, I think, you know, I think your potheads, you guys have been on your high horse long enough. I think it's time I fucking knocked you off a little bit. Are you even going to notice? You're probably already off the horse laying in the grass, right? Letting the breeze go through your toes. Is that what you did today instead of going out and earning your fucking rent? Are you going to call your parents up again this week? Hit him up for some more money because you ran out of fucking Cheetos. Huh? You're too fucking old to have a full body tan. Why don't you go get a goddamn job, you son of a bitch. All right, there you go. Once a week, I got to try to piss off one group.

It keeps the emails coming. All right, that's it. That's the podcast for this week. I want to thank everybody seriously. I'm not fucking around here like I was with the potheads there, right? So fucking don't get all fucking pissed off, man. I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows at the Miami Symphony fucking Superman's house. It's really what it looked like. And I really hope a bunch of people show up in Utah. And don't be stuck up cunts, all right, with your fucking religion. Okay? I don't need that. I don't need you and your seven wives sitting there staring at me like I got a fucking problem. All right? Fuck you and your legal orgy. Okay, I think that's it. All right, that's the podcast.

Everybody go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Have a good week. Don't talk any shit. I'll talk some shit. Don't take any shit. There we go. That's it. I'm going to go get a sunburn. I'll see you. Oh, yeah, sharing the night together.