Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-9-17

Episode Date: March 10, 2017

Bill rambles about electricians, water damage and liking bread.

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Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I'm just checking in on you. Listen to this shit. I just got back from where the hell was. I was at Phoenix, Arizona, home of the suns, home of the coyotes,

home of the fucking, I don't know, grapefruit league, not grapefruit league, whatever, instructional league, I don't know what the fuck it is. Home of the diamondbacks, home of the fucking coddles. All right, I just got back from there. Okay, I'm coming home.

I'm taking a cab because I'm old. I don't do fucking Uber. I don't do lift. I don't do any of that bullshit. All right, I'm fucking calling somebody and they just pull up in their car. I don't, I don't do it, right? I fucking take caps.

So I pull up to my house and there's this fucking, whatever, state truck there, these fucking guys are in my yard. The gates open and one of the guys got a ladder up to the side of my house. So I just walk in. I'm like, yeah, hey, what are you guys doing? And he goes, oh God,

finally somebody's home. I'm like, what do you mean? My wife didn't let you in. He was like, no, there was no answer. And I'm like, then what are you doing here? And he goes, well, you know, I keep coming by. There's nobody here.

I got to check the meter. You know, they said you put a new electrical box. You know, you guys didn't have a home. I mean, what was I supposed to do? I was like, I don't know, not coming to my fucking yard. What do you need? What was I supposed to do?

Every time I go to the bank, the bank's closed. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Come back when they're fucking there. You cunt. He just kept saying, what was I supposed to do? You're trespassing, you asshole. The fucking, he just kept saying what,

you know, something that actually kept my cool though. I just calmly said, I don't know, not coming to my yard. I go, if I keep going over my neighbor's house and he's not there, that doesn't mean he'd give me a right to go in there. And he goes, well, I got to go over. I got to get to the pole.

I mean, you know, when they change the box, they only put temporary whatever fucking things on there. I got to put the right things on there. I don't have your phone number. I'm like, well, whose fault is that? It's not my fault. Nobody asked me. You guys never called me.

Or I guess you couldn't call me. But you should have got it from the, from the electrician. He goes, yeah, the electrician didn't give it to me. Like, well, there you go. So the other guy is grabbing the ladder. He takes it down and he's fucking walking out. I go, you know, what do you need to do here? He goes, no, no, you know, go get out of here.

It's just like, dude, you don't got to fucking pout now. You know what I'm saying is right. Fucking walking. You just opened the gate. You just fucking walk in. Unbelievable. I like the other guy. The other guy immediately was fucking, you know,

he's looking down. He knew he was, he knew the guy was wrong. The guy was basically like, this is like the third time I come over here. Nobody ever answers the door. I'm getting sick of this. And he just fucking climbed over the wall. I don't know what gates locked.

I don't know how they did it. I mean, he had a ladder. I guess he just fucking went right up and over it. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Fuck you. What were you supposed to do? That's the dumbest fucking thing I ever heard. So then I go, what do you need to do?

He told me what he did. I go, all right, you want to go down and do it? I mean, he still did what he had to do. But I still, I don't know. Weirdest fucking response ever. Well, you know, what was I supposed to do? So, but I was actually happy that I mean, I lost my shit on it.

Now thinking about it on the podcast, way more than I did in the moment. And, you know, I said to the guys, I'm not trying to be difficult, but you know, that's what you're doing here. It's not right. And you know, it's not, I should have said that. And you know, it's not right.

You got impatient and you just said to hell with it. I'm just going to do this anyways. And you're trespassing. You know you're trespassing. I don't care that you work for the state. It doesn't, you know, I guess, you know, if my fucking house was on fire or the pole or some shit, there was a live wire hanging from it thing.

Yeah, I guess you have the authority to go up and over. I don't think you can do that just because you're fucking tired and knocking on the door and nobody answers. Anyway, sorry. So I just got back from Phoenix, Arizona. I had the best fucking time when I was out there, ate a bunch of great food, but all basically I kind of ate mainly down near wherever the fucking Phoenix Suns play.

The Travel and Riverside Resort Arena, whatever the hell they call it. Had a couple really cool meals when I was down. They went to this really good pizza joint. Good for the Southwest pizza. You know what I mean? Let's not get crazy here, right? And got a good burrito down there.

I didn't work out at all. I was driving over to see my dog. I was starving. I got a fucking whopper with cheese and fucking Burger King. And all freckles is that's it. I'm done. I'm officially, I'm on the wagon for the first time in a year, like really hardcore on the wagon, like I'm fucking done.

There's no drink in sight other than water for me. I don't know. I was, I was, I don't know what happened to me the last two times I went on the road. I just been under fucking a lot of stress, you know, not sleeping with the kid. And then I got to put this new hour together. And my fucking shoulder still messed up,

although I finally turned the corner with it. And, but you know, so I just, you know, I just haven't been able to work out the way I want to. And I swear to God, dude, I'm starting to get dad bought. And I have to stop this immediately. I am too goddamn vain, you know, you know, when you just look bad in a t-shirt. I have a pothead body right now.

And I do not fucking like it. Oh, I forgot to tell you, so I have to deal with that guy. Hey, you know what the fuck was I supposed to do? I come into my house and there's this strange odor, like what is that? Is that some hippie candle? What's going on? And I come downstairs and Nia tells me that a fucking pipe

or some shit burst the night before and all this water came out. I go, you got to be shitting me. You got to be shitting me. And I go, okay, did you, did you go to the front of the house like I showed you and turned off all the water? No, I turned it off under the sink. I'm like, oh God, okay. I'm smelling water.

And then I look at my bedroom ceiling and there's this brown stain just ever so small in this little fucking crack. And I was just like, oh my God, not again. Please tell me not again. So I run upstairs. I shut off the main fucking thing. You know, this is the thing about these feminists. They don't want to do fucking housework anymore,

but they're not going to do the guy shit either, like knowing how to shut the fucking water off. It's like, so what exactly are you going to do? Fucking watch Mary Tyler Moore reruns. So I'm sorry, whatever. I'm flying. I'm run upstairs. I'm flying out the fucking door.

I shut it off. And then I, you know, now I got my stupid fucking iPhone flashlight, you know, because the fucking guy's outside checking the box and cut off the electricity, the water's off. Now this is just basically a glorified fucking log cabin. And I'm going through the crawl spaces and all this shit. And I'm trying to find out where this water is coming from. Has it collected?

Is the ceiling going to collapse? What is going on? And fortunately, I think, I think we're all right. And it was also fresh water. So I don't think the guy was like, you don't have to deal with mold, which I don't know if that makes sense to me. I mean, it doesn't also depend on what the fuck's inside the pipe. I have no idea.

I'm sure there's going to be a bunch of people tweeting at me, scaring the shit out of me. So that's basically what I came home to. But the plumber came by, changed the fucking thing that needed to be changed. Hopefully everything's going to be all right. But I once again, you know, everybody in your house, I'm telling you right now, needs to know how to shut off the fucking water. Everybody.

In fact, that's the first thing I'm going to teach my daughter, once she starts walking around. You know what I mean? Once she understands the concept of water and what it can do to your house. All right. And I'm just going to be like, look, the next time I fucking, I swear, the next, I'm going to, I'm getting rid of this house. I'm done with it.

Fuck this house. I've had it. I've just had it with this fucking house. You know, it's my own goddamn fault. What happened? You buy a hundred year old fucking house that has a lot of character, you know, I'm going to sell this fucking house and I am going to buy some brand new home depot out. No character whatsoever.

I mean, I want it to look like a fucking food court. I don't give a shit as long as everything's brand new in it. You know, don't mind like the people won't put it together right now. Still have the problems. But I was literally when I was in the crawl space, right? With all these fucking cobwebs and all that, I just, it just, it was it. I officially fell out of love with this house and I was like, you know what? Fuck this house.

You know what? You know what? You went house. You fucking went. You broke me down. Cool and Luke. You finally fucking did it. What's your dirt doing in boss man's hole?

That's what this house has been doing me the entire fucking time I've lived here. I don't know, boss. We got to get it out of there. What's your dirt doing in boss man's yard? I don't know, boss. Fuck. Anyways, home ownership, you know, they always show all the young couple on TV fucking smiling and all that shit.

They had a fucking show me my fucking whopper with cheese fucking body crawling around a goddamn crawl space. Of course, what are you going to walk around the crawl space bill? So then I fucking thank God it's all right. So then I leave. I go down to take care of all the bills and all of this shit. That's why the podcast late is late. And I'm like, all right, I got to I got to pick up a salad or something.

I got to start on the right foot here. And, you know, typical LA thing. Oh, this is the place I want to be. That's a restaurant that, you know, 40 people can eat at and there's four parking spots, two of which, you know, are taken by the cook and the manager and the other two are taken by the fucking wait staff. So as always, there's no fucking place to park. And I turn the corner lo and behold, there's a fucking spot.

And I went down and turned around like a gentleman. And of course, someone else said fuck that. And they made the three point turn into the goddamn parking spot took my fucking parking spot. And that and then I then that was it. That was enough. All my meditation, everything went out the fucking window. And, you know, so I had my first fucking meltdown in a while in weeks, my first meltdown in weeks.

And then I basically I went from yelling at the guy who fucking took my took my parking spot. It was my parking spot. Right. He got there first. I saw it first, but he fucking made a better move. And he gave box me out like, you know, he got the rebound. I went from yelling at about him in the car to myself to yelling even louder about the

electrician to yelling even louder about shutting the fucking water off. The second there's a goddamn problem. And then I found a parking spot and I got out. And I think I was yelling so loudly like somebody walking by was looking at me all fucking weird. And I don't know. Whatever. I had a little bit of a setback, but anybody out there, if you'd like to buy a house with a lot of character.

Oh, this is how this house is a character. I'll tell you. It'll have your scratch in your head. Maybe I'll sell this. I haven't even talked to me about this. Maybe I'll sell this fucking house and we'll just do the do the move into one of those soulless fucking high rises. You know, you know, those things that people do the empty nesters do when they just don't

want to deal with the fucking house anymore, which I never understood. It's like, why the fuck wouldn't you want to be living your house? All the kids are out of there. You know, you know, you got all this space. It's going to be great. Now I know why. Now I know why. Oh, do I know why?

Because this shit's going to happen. You know, I completely fucking get it now. Like, I don't give a fuck about a view. I don't give a fuck about, you know, old school shit. I don't give a fuck about anything. All I give a fuck about is if something breaks, it's not on me. Where can I live like that? Can I go back to renting?

This house is just, it's just a fucking, it's a motherfucker. Never again. I'm telling you right now, don't ever buy a fucking old house unless you are handy, you know, or unless you just like making your life fucking difficult. I'm telling you, this is the classic. This is what me and Verzi were laughing about all week. It was how he makes his life easy. I make my life difficult.

He buys a fucking house. The last fucking guy redid the whole thing. He turned key. I need to be more Verzi. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta fucking do that. My next fucking place. I don't give a shit what it is. I'll buy a fucking Winnebago.

Brand new though. Just living that, right? Where, Bill? You just don't fucking parking spots out here. I don't know. Sorry. Anyways, so I'm going to be Billy Elliptical head. Billy fucking no booze bag.

I'm going to be eating salads and all this fucking shit. And you know, I got to get this under control. I'm disgusted with myself. You know, it's time to walk into the fucking bathroom mirror and just trash myself. You know, take the shirt off. Let's see what it is. You know, I look like Tom Brady. I just first weigh in, you know, when he was a college student just eating Cheetos.

He was like a third string quarterback or some shit. Well, I don't look like his face. I look like his stomach. Just no muscle tone whatsoever. I'm exaggerating, but I mean, I don't know. It's not what I want. It's not what I want to see. You know what I mean?

It's Christ. It's like my belly is to the point. It's going to be like when I stand in the shower, my knees aren't going to get wet. Feet are totally dry, you know? You know something? I'm not that bad, but that's the road I'm heading on. And I was sitting on the plane today, watching all these fucking people who just destroy their bodies, just getting on the plane, just getting on a fucking plane.

They're like winded from walking down that movable hallway, whatever you call that. It's not the tarmac. What do they call that? The jetway. People, could you put your coats under the seat in none of the overhead compartment so we can expedite the boarding process? We still have a lot of people standing on the jetway. We want to have an on-time departure. And I'm just sitting there watching all of these fucking, you know, just fat fucks walking by.

There's got to be something amazing, though, about living that way. Where you're always just, you're always eating exactly what you want to eat, you know? Hey, Mike, you want a devil dog? Yeah. Dude, you want to get a breed up? Sure, absolutely. What do you feel like having? Cheeseburger, french fries, and a chocolate malt.

You know, it's like you're basically, you're eating like a fucking eight-year-old whose parents aren't home, your entire life. You know, when your parents took off, that was it. You went to the enemy, you're eating a fucking enemy's cake or some donuts or those store-bought fucking donuts. Those ones where it was like, it was like four plain, four powdered, four cinnamon. Do they still make those things? We had those things all the time. I used to eat, I ate, god damn it, I ate absolute shit when I was growing up. Then you went outside, you ran around and just burned it off.

You have a fucking blue out, you rotate a cuff as a fucking seven, eight-year-old, you injury-free, brand-new fucking car. You know what my body's like? My body's like this house. It's just fucking old as shit. I can't wait, you know how they can like grow an ear in a fucking Petri dish now? I swear to God, they got to do that like, it's going to happen, man. They can grow all the organs and they can grow all your fucking body parts up over again. I'm telling you right now, it's going to be like, your body's going to be like a, you know,

but they probably still would look old, but you look like one of those Resto-Mod things, you know, where it's brand new underneath, but on top it looks, you know, like a 1960, whatever. Does any of this fucking make sense? I mean, what was I supposed to do? I mean, I knocked on your door three times and there was nobody here. I just figured I'd walk into your fucking yard and put a ladder up next to your house. Jesus Christ, you know what I mean? Can you imagine if somebody did that at Ted Nugent's house?

How many fucking bows and arrows would that guy have in this stupid construction hat? What do you got the hard hat on for? Like that's going to help. Like when you fall off the ladder, that thing doesn't fall off with you. Maybe that's why he did it. His hat's so fucking tight he wasn't even thinking. Anyway, so I was on the road and last night I missed the Celtics beat the Golden State Warriors. Holy shit!

I got that game taped. I got to watch that. And the Bruins beat the fuck out of the Detroit Red Wings. I didn't beat them up, but they scored six goals, man. That's Detroit. We had Red Wings, you know, one of the original six. I mean, they play in hockey town, everybody. There's a town out there where you play hockey.

There's a town I know where the hipsters go called Bedrock. Twish, twish. Let me read some... How many goaltenders, by the way, because I watched the highlights. Every one of them was a bad goal or your defense just gave it away, you know? My condolences to all the players on the Red Wings today. I can't imagine how fucking horrific your practice is. All right.

The Black Tux. Oh, you know, I saw when I was in Phoenix, I saw a Reggie fucking Mella. Fucking amazing. He walked right by me and I just watched him waiting for an elevator. I just kept thinking, like, that guy lit up the garden, turned around to Spike Lee and made the choke sign, and he's just standing there waiting for an elevator. Totally relaxed, totally cheat.

He doesn't need to talk shit. Right? He's the shit. That's Reggie fucking Mella. Hits a three, steals the inbound pass, runs behind the three. Wasn't good enough to get him for two. Fucking hits another three-pointer. Turns around, looks at fucking Spike Lee, does the choke, in the garden. I mean, that's... it's fucking...

Do you ever have to do anything? You ever have to accomplish anything else after that? If I ever did some shit like that... Now, for God's sakes. If I ever did some shit like that... You know what, I gotta take this. Hang on a second. Alright, I'm back.

I swear to God, it never fucking hits. It never fucking hits. You know, I just wish you could just for one day, save one day of being a kid. You know what I mean? Just to go back for 24 fucking hours and not have to deal with this fucking shit of being an adult. Good fucking Lord. You know what that fucking phone call was about?

About some sort of fucking tax abatement for some bullshit. I don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. You need to go onto the website and get the fuck you. I don't want to. It's an abatement. You'll get money back. You know what, just fuck... How about you just keep it?

If you just keep it, can I just not fucking waste those precious seconds? What if I fucking get... What if a tree falls on me tomorrow? This is one of my last fucking days. And I went to www.fuckingabatement.com. Whatever the fuck. I just don't care. Sorry.

I mean, such a conty mood. I had such a great fucking three days. You know what it is? Coming home and there's somebody on a fucking ladder you don't even know. Just walked into your goddamn house. You're on your property. And then a pipe burst, you know? And the powers that be, don't go fucking shut off the goddamn water

and you got a brown spot, you know, when you're stealing. You know, makes you a little salty. I was talking about Reggie Miller, right? I was just saying, if I did what the fuck that guy did, I would have that playing on a loop on my phone, right? The video. And I would just walk around holding it up as I walk towards other human beings. That'd be it.

I mean, you know, it's incredible what the fuck that guy did. Just standing there waiting for an elevator. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cyrillus,

along with all NS novelties. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cyrillus in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson, or shop online anytime at Cyrillus.com. All right, let me read a little bit of where we got here. A little advertising here. Oh, the black tux, everybody.

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Does anybody know where people in the NBA get their tattoos? Where 90% of them go to get their tattoos? They're the highest paid of the four sports, I believe, at this point. And you wouldn't know it by looking at the tattoos. Jesus Christ, with the area codes and the fucking highway signs. You know? I guess those could be cool if you actually took the time to, like, I don't know where they get them done.

They look horrible. I don't even have anything funny to say about it. I'm just always watching NBA Hoop and they just, they're all, everybody's scribbled all over. You can't make out anything of what anything is. It's just a bunch of fucking shit. Like, an NBA guy will get a fucking tattoo of his baby's face on his neck. Then you got to look at that for the rest of his fucking career. Openings like that guy in the Globetrotters that also wore a fucking headband around his neck.

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You know what? I like potato chips! Can anybody pinpoint the year she officially went insane? She's just been famous too fucking long. I think it just makes you go crazy after a while. Everybody's always excited to meet you. They're always giving you a fucking award. There's no way to keep your feet on the ground.

And then you just think everything you're saying is interesting or exciting to the fucking point. You'll just scream something like, I love bread! Sitting in a giant fucking yard. Every time I see her, I'm just like, what is she doing? Jesus Christ, Oprah. Just go to a fucking hot dog stand. You know, stand in line, wait your fucking turn and eat the thing. Just do that every once in a while.

Who likes cookies? You know those fucking, you know, her cult of women that just hang on her every word. Just hoping maybe this complete stranger on TV, she's the one that's going to make me happy. I mean, that's the saddest part of watching one of those Oprah shows. She doesn't anymore. I'm just going to pretend the show's still on the fucking air. It was all those women that sat in the crowd, the fucking look of hope on their face. You know, I always wanted to see, you know what they should have had next door?

It was the sea of men that all those fucking poor women were married to. You know, that fucking motley crew of insensitive cunts that never told them they were pretty, or whatever the fuck they needed, whatever they needed, they weren't getting there. That they would go down to the studio audience and just fucking sit there with that fucking, like you ever watch one of those shows where there's like 10 whores and they're all fucking fighting over some nerdy guy, and that look of hope they have, if they're going to get the fucking, you know, get handed a slipper, which means they're going to be there for another week, whatever the fuck, whatever it is they do. They all had that look on their face.

But you know what, as much as I'm making fun of Oprah, I also like Brett. But no matter how fresh it is, no matter how much I like it, if someone was standing in a big yard yelling that, it would make me uncomfortable, and it would take away from the experience. You know, it's got to be weird to be part of her fucking staff. Just every once in a while, just here yelling random things. Costum staplers! I bet Steadman knows how to block that out, huh?

That's why she has those giant fucking houses. She probably likes the sound of the echo, you know? She's like Rosebud level famous, Citizen Kane. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, Blue Apron, everybody. For less than ten dollars per month. No, per person, per meal. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes,

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Oh, I thought that was like some shit right there. G to the motherfucking blinds.com. There's no O in the copy here. Go to blinds.com now and use promo code burr for 20% off. That's blinds.com, promo code burr, rules and restrictions may apply. See blinds.com for details. I'm definitely going to see the details. All of a sudden I don't know where there was rules and restrictions. Alright, see so. See, so, I have had funny feelings. I've gotten funny looks. I've eaten funny smelling sushi.

But let me tell you, none of those are as funny as see so streaming libraries. Stand up, television and original content, especially not the sushi. Why do they try to write these funny? Why would you do that? Jesus Christ, the George Burns right there. Next place, next please mention the following talking points. I'm kind of, with see so, you get unlimited access to see so's original series. Next day, late night, hilarious, stand up specials. I'm just not seeing the comments today.

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I just can't see the commas windows or Xbox one. Ready for the punchline see so's just 399 a month. No joke. Less than four bucks per month for all the comedy you want anytime, anywhere, ad free. Just go to see so S E E S O Sierra Echo Echo Sierra. Oscar dot com right now to sign up for two weeks for free with promo code bur at checkout at CISO dot com spelled S E E S O. Dot com promo code bar CISO dot com promo code bar. Holy shit.

I never thought that was going to end. I honestly didn't think that that was going to fucking end. All right, 38 minutes of just absolute shit for this week. People I apologize. You know, but I feel like for me that, you know, it was just some things that needed to be said. All right, I don't want to talk about next. Sorry, I pitched about my house so much. Enjoy this next little musical clip here.

Oh, hey, by the way, you know what? I said, uh, that sneaker shit that I was saying actually ended up on some big sneaker website. So I must be getting fucking trashed on that one. You know, I had no idea that, you know, I knew people are just sneakers. I didn't realize I went to them that much. You know, I actually bought a new pair of sneakers this week when I was out in Phoenix. I got the classic fucking shell toast. That's what I got.

You know, because a lot of people were suggesting that I wore those fucking, you know, you know, those giant like chunky fucking sneakers. That people with feet problem use, you know, I don't wear those. Although I do have the Steve Jobs new balance. You know, if you look at the Daytona 500 picture, I believe I'm wearing them there. I did have a nice pair of sneakers, but I was not going to wear them to the Daytona 500. So maybe I have a little sneaker head and make, right? Maybe. I don't know. I wear the shittiest pair of sneakers I had to go down on that fucking track with all the goddamn oil and shit all over the place.

Once again, I want to thank everybody that came out to stand up live. Everybody at stand up line had such a great time. And I don't know Paul Versey crushed it all week. And I just had a great time. So thank you very much. San Jose improv in two weeks. And that's it. Please listen to the music if you'd like.

And we're going to have a greatest hit from a podcast recorded in a different time in another year and something else. All right. Have a great weekend, your constant. I'll talk to you on Monday. Take us out of this room. Sing a song. Play guitar. Make it snappy. You are the one who can make us all laugh.

But doing that, you break out in tears. Please don't be sad if it was a straight mind you had. You wouldn't have known for these years. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It is the Monday morning podcast. It's 20 past nine on Monday morning, a cloudy day out here in LA as it is the rainy season. And actually have some guests over here.

So this is going to be kind of a quiet podcast because I also have to do the, I have some friends in town from out of town. So we have to do all the LA shit. And I got to be honest with you, I'm trying to think what the LA shit is because I'm still new out here. You know, when I lived in New York, I knew what that meant. You know, that meant they wanted to go to the top of the Empire State Building. They wanted to go to the Statue of Liberty Times Square. Basically, they wanted to go every place that a New Yorker never goes. And so what my mission always was whenever I had, you know, friends coming down to visit New York City was I immediately tried to convince them that all the things that they wanted to see, they didn't really want to see.

And I like to think I was doing them a favor. But, you know, part of it was selfish because, you know, I'm not fucking getting on a boat to climb up into a statue that's looking out into the ocean. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, I don't know. You want to talk about underrated, overrated, okay? Overrated climbing up into the Statue of Liberty. If you can even still do it with the whole 9-11 America or whatever that we live in now. I don't even know if you're allowed to fucking do it anymore.

I'm sure they'll let you if they like, you know, if you let them fingerprint you and scan your fucking retinas. But anyways, I don't know, I always feel like when you go to a city, like personally, I, you know, I want to do a few touristy things. But I want to hang out with the locals because they always know the good bars and the restaurants and that type of shit. So that's what I used to try to, you know, convince people. But it's hard sometimes, sometimes you just got to give in, like when my parents came down and they wanted to eat at Mickey Mantles on 59th Street. And, you know, you just can't stop people from doing shit like that, you know? Isn't this a great burger? No, no it isn't.

It's a touristy burger and it's fucking $18 more than it needs to be because when you look out the window you can see Central Park. What is wrong with you, Mickey Mantles? Yeah, it's great. Let's go get a hot dog at Wade Boggs. The fuck does Mickey Mantle know about making a burger? Okay, if you want to go boozing at Mickey... Oh, that's a low blow. Fucking dead legend.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I apologize to Yankee fans over there. I shouldn't end sports fans in general, you know? Mickey Mantle never did steroids. Did he? Granted, they didn't exist back then. And I gotta tell you something, it's too bad he didn't. It's too bad they didn't exist back then because we would have got to watch that guy, you know, have the body of a 22-year-old until he was 42.

And I gotta tell you something, man, after, you know, just watching some of these guys get busted and, you know, getting busted for being on juice, you know, they always have that question, you know, should people who do steroids be allowed into the Hall of Fame? And I think after the A-Rod thing, I'm finally thinking, no, they shouldn't. And just for the simple fact that, like I just said, it's like, it doesn't help you get better, it just keeps your body in mint condition until you're like 40-42. And all these guys who get busted the second they get off them, their numbers go right through the floor. And I don't think it has anything to do with their skill, it's just like, you do roids, it's like you become one of the X-men. I'm not really big on those action movies and shit, but you know those movies where, you know, somebody gets superhuman healing abilities and somebody slices into his arm and it immediately heals up, it's like you're literally doing the real-life version of that.

And I don't think it's fair to guys like Ken Griffey Jr. There really isn't like, that guy quietly hits 600 fucking home runs and I, you know, kind of stopped noticing 10 years ago when all these fucking gorillas were coming up to the plate. I don't know, I've said this before, maybe they should have a special wing, you know, the Royd Rage wing of the Hall of Fame, I have no idea. But I gotta admit, I think we're all hypocritical for giving those guys shit because no one gave a fuck about baseball and then all of a sudden when McGuire and Sosa came around, that was one of the best years of baseball ever and everybody made a ton of fucking money and everybody had a great time and now we're all acting like our feelings got hurt because we got to watch people hit 600 foot home runs, you know. I don't know, that make any sense, I'm half a fucking sleep out here.

Here's something that I actually read a quote from in one of these magazines, I guess evidently Clint Eastwood was hyping that movie Grand Torino. I don't know if you guys have seen that movie, I'm sure you've seen the ads for it where he basically is like, I'm a white man and my car represents back when America was good in the early 70s. I guess when he was doing the interview for that movie he called, I guess, the current generation, the pussy generation. And at first it made me laugh and I'm thinking like, yeah, Clint Eastwood obviously has earned the right to call people pussies and I'm thinking, wait a minute, Clint Eastwood is an actor, okay, who plays tough guys, who never loses a fight really and even if he does lose a fight in a movie, it's a fake fight. So at the risk of making my second sacrilegious comment, first trash in the great making mantle, now I'm going to go off to Clint Eastwood

and I'm like, where has Clint Eastwood, I want, this is my question for you guys this week, where has Clint Eastwood got off like, where has he earned the right that he's this tough guy? Because like he plays a tough guy? I don't understand that with like actors, like I remember like after 9-11, like for some reason they wheeled out Tom Hanks and like that was supposed to make me feel relaxed as an American. And I remember during that time I was doing a joke on stage going, talking about Tom Hanks saying, he's done so many army movies, he thinks he's a veteran. You know what I mean? It's not like he did army movies, but he played an astronaut. He was in saving Private Ryan. You know what I mean? And like all of a sudden like he becomes like all these guys. Like I said, you know, here's one for you. I got fucking, you know, friends out here.

So we're doing the touristy shit out here in LA and I take them down to Man's Chinese Theater or Grumans, whatever the fuck they're calling it now. And they got those, they got the hand prints and the feet prints and the footprints there in the cement. And I found John Wayne, I swear to God, John Wayne had the smallest fucking feet I've ever seen. I couldn't believe it. This is a Duke, John Wayne. This is the guy everyone just thought, if he even breathed on you, he'd fucking knock you in the next week. This guy had like, I think he went to fucking Lady Gap to buy his cowboy boots. He thinks we're fucking the smallest fucking things. He could have fit both his boots and his cowboy hat. That's how small his fucking feet are. If you ever go to LA and you go to Man's Chinese Theater, it's on the right hand side. He had tiny little ass feet. You know, actors are fucking annoying. You know what I mean? They sit there and they put on fucking leather jackets and they play these badasses and it's just like, dude, you're a fucking, you're an actor.

Have you had any real fights, Clint? Huh? Somebody have a fucking rear engine in the drive-thru at Burger King and you got out and you settled the score? Maybe he has. I don't know what, but you know, I don't know. It just fucking annoyed me. And moving on from that, somebody actually sent me an email that kind of ties into this, right? I'm not saying Clint isn't a tough guy. The guy's fucking ridiculous. He's 80 years old. He's still lifting weights, you know? The way his eyes are squinted, he definitely seems like a badass, but you know, I want to see his fight card. I want to see his arrest record. You know, maybe he was a juvenile delinquent before he came up. I don't know. I haven't wiki-pedied him yet. I have no idea, but this is just, you know, I don't even know why I'm defending this generation of people because I'm 40 years old. So technically, the only generation that pop culture gives a fuck about is the young kids, you know, which is basically, I don't know, whatever it starts to.

Basically, once you're over the age of 24, nobody gives a fuck about you anymore as far as like what music you're listening to. Anyway, so this woman wrote me this, she wrote me this email and it said, let me get down to the blah, blah, blah, blah, all this type of stuff, saying really nice stuff to me, which I'm going to blow through here, even though I totally appreciate it. And she was commenting on the guy last week, you know, the guy last week, I was reading the story where he was hanging with this girl, the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, but she's dumb as a brick and as a fucking podhead, and he can't figure out how to close the deal with her. So this is what she said. She said, oh, and about the guy who asked about what he should do with the pretty podhead girl, ask him if he tried to get physical with her. Would he know whether or not she was interested in a physical relationship if he had made a move on her?

Which is a great point, because maybe he didn't. And she said he's probably one of those hesitant guys that want the chick to make the first move, so typical of today. So I guess that's kind of back in Clint Eastwood saying that this is like the pussy generation. I don't want to be a dick here, but I think a lot of that has to do with the oversaturation of date rape movies and these 100% chick tone shows like fucking Oprah. I don't know what it is. They got everybody so convinced that women aren't the same lying sex of shit that guys are with just different genitalia, that I think a lot of guys are approaching stupid podhead chicks like these princesses that need to be rescued. In other words, what I'm saying is you should just fucking bend her over. Just stick her bag of weed on the floor in front of her ankles and when she bends down to get it.

He should handle his business. All right, that was ignorant. There you go. That's the first straight up fucking ignorant statement of the week. Let's get on with it here. This is the Monday Morning Podcast. If you're wondering what this babbling is, I do one of these every single week like fucking Cal Ripken. I'm the Cal Ripken of fucking podcasts. I remember the last time I missed one. Even when I fucking missed one, I call up and I apologize. Does that count? If Cal Ripken missed a baseball game in the middle of his streak and he just kind of called in the Orioles and said, yeah, sorry about that. Yeah, but he called up. He called up before the sixth inning so that counts as him showing up.

Anyways, I do one of these every week. People send me questions. They send me their list of underrated, overrated. Sometimes they ask before advice. Sometimes somebody sends me a cunty email and they earn the right of a douchebag of the week. If it's bad, if it's bad criticism, if I deserve it, I'll take one on the chin. And also, I hype the stuff that I have going on in my career. Okay, Bill, what do you have going on in your career this week? Well, I will tell you. Next Monday, the fuck is today? God damn this phone. What's 9 plus 7? It's 16th, March 16th. I'm going to be doing a couple of shows. I believe they added a second show at the Punchline in San Francisco.

The first one sold really well and last I heard we were going to add a second show. You can go to punchlinecomedyclub.com. I have all the information. I probably don't even have that up on my website, do I? What I'm more on. I'm going to do that at the end of this podcast. By the time you hear this, it's going to be up there, hopefully. I'm going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco next Monday night with Joe Bartnick. And the shows are at 7 o'clock. I believe they just added a 9 or a 9.30. And that's what I like to do. I like to hype shit where I have three quarters of the information. And later on this month, the final weekend of March, whatever the hell those dates are, I'm going to be at the House of Comedy in East St. Louis. White people don't be scared.

It's going to be a nice, mixed crowd. Just like our president, nice and mixed. There you go. I'm going to be bringing America together. And then after that, I got the Trump Marina. Why don't I get on my fucking website here and figure it out? I'm mostly listening to this, by the way, on my website. Because I got to admit, on my space, I'm starting to feel like the survivor of a nuclear holocaust. Kind of like Will Smith's character in I Am Legend. Every day, every Monday, I will be doing a podcast at the pier down at the bottom of Manhattan. You know, going to watch a saber-toothed tiger.

I never understood those fucking lions in that movie. Where the fuck did they come from? You know, the only lions in Manhattan are in the zoo. So if everybody, the zookeepers, all died of whatever fucking disease it was. Was that some animal lover who came up with the End of the World rabies? I have to let these lions go and get mauled to death just like he fucking deserved. Okay, here we go. Sorry, I had to do that until I got to my website. April 4th, 2009, I will be at the Trump Marina with uninformed Joe DeRosa. Comedy Central presents Joe DeRosa.

Every local bar in Manhattan's Joe DeRosa. Sorry, Joe, if you listen to this, you know, good things come in three. And you only have two good things in your life. All right, and I'm one of them. Don't ever forget that. You fucking half-Egyptian jackass. All right, getting a little louder, a little more angrier. What else do I got? I got the funny bone in Columbus. And my Caroline's Day got moved from the middle of May to the last week of April slash first weekend. I guess it's the first weekend in May. All right, I'm sure I'm going to e-mails on that.

Oh my God, I was coming in from Chattanooga just for your show. Send me a free DVD. I will. As long as you open your mouth and let the mailman jam it down, you fucking throw. All right, it's really getting me in here. Oh, look at me getting lost in the girlfriend over there. She puts the fucking makeup on. Okay, audience of one. Anyways, oh, here we go. You know, it's something that really annoys the shit out of me, parents. I don't like former Fred Boyd daygrapers to then have kids and then sit there and, you know, now because they have a kid,

I have to be respectful around them. I think I talked about this last week, but I'm going to talk about it again because it's happened again. I'm sick of you former fucking loud douchebags, you know, who just ruined people's flights. You ruined baseball games. Basically, you're like me. Okay, you're an asshole. And now that you have a kid, everyone else has to be on their best behavior because you ended your life and the fun in your life. Everyone else has to be on your schedule. All right, fuck you and your fucking kid. All right, if you don't want them to be around a fucking animal like myself, don't take them out in public. Okay, that's what they have board games for.

So why don't you sit there with your board game and your dip and your turtleneck sweater that you don't want to wear as the rage for the person that you knocked up builds up inside of you. Why don't you keep that, all right? Walk out in your backyard and scream into a bush. Okay, but leave your fucking kids at home because I'm still single. I don't have any kids and I'm having a good time and I'm not having you be a fucking wet blanket because you have this little creature that only half looks like you. All right? Okay, coming out swinging. All right, I'm playing to the crowd right now. I'm getting laughs so I'm just fucking deliberately being an asshole.

I'm really not in that bad of a mood. You're not single either. I'm not single either. You know what I mean? I'm not married either, all right? So watch your peas and queues over there, sweetheart. I never tell you I got my girlfriend the gayest little fucking I want to put my makeup on. I'm a little eight-year-old princess. Women love that shit, you know, and you think it would keep them from heckling you during a podcast, but it doesn't. The fucking happiness only lasts for a few days.

All right, question number one. Okay, so if you're new to my podcast, I do. And this one is going to be a little short this week. I know I always say that and then I end up doing 50 minutes, but I'm already up to 18 minutes. I'm going to try to keep this about 30 minutes. Oh, by the way, I went down to Irvine last night and I watched my old friend from the Chappelle show, Charlie Murphy, do a nice hour's worth of killer material that I haven't seen before. If you get a chance, definitely check out Charlie. I think he really has a just a totally original fucking style. That's great. He just goes up there and he tells these fucked-up stories, either that happened, that he invented hybrid stories that are partially true. I don't even know what the fuck he...

It was great. I sat there in the crowd like a goddamn fan and had a great time. And that is it. So look at me. Hype another twig. What a fucking great guy I am. Granted, I already hyped my shows and buried his hype fucking 20 minutes into a podcast and I'm patting myself on the back. All right, I answer questions every week here on the podcast. So here are some questions. Hey Bill, I was wondering if you ever had a slow spot in comedy, like if you ever had a period of time when you didn't come up with any material for a while. Oh yeah, that happens all the time. That happens like every six weeks, you know, or whatever. Or we'll have for a six-week period, but I've learned how to get... I've learned what works for me, how to get me out of those. And I think I've answered this before, but I know I have a zillion podcast, so I will answer it again in the name of comedy.

What I do to get myself out of those, I take all rules of being a hack. I just throw those out the window. And I'm really setting myself up to get trash. Like really, Bill? I never noticed that you ever didn't take the rules of hack off with your awful specials. No, I just basically... I do two things when I'm in writer's block. A, I will talk about current events, like that dumb broad with the eight fucking kids, and just basically shit that like every comic is jumping on. You know, like you ever see when an animal dies and the Discovery Channel is a bunch of vultures sitting around it. That's kind of like hack materials like, and I'll fucking fly right down with my ugly buzzard head and I'll take a big chunk out of it. Basically, if you're in writer's block, just do hacky shit about topical new stuff, and also I try to ask myself, what's bugging me right now? Anything from my girlfriend? It's got a bad look there. My girlfriend too, like the fact that I can't come up with any new material, anything that's bothering me.

And you just kind of use that as an exercise just to go on stage and just to be saying something new, even though you know it's hacky shit that you're never going to keep, it still feels good to not be doing all the jokes that you're sick of. And usually they'll end up spinning into something else, hopefully, and you kind of pull yourself out of the mud. And if all else fails, just pick on some fat guy in the crowd. Alright, now don't do that. Don't do that. Okay, didn't we learn anything from Eddie Murphy in The Clumps? What was that movie called? The Night Professor. You know what? I fucked up. I thought I had all the questions right in a row. Now I got to scroll down. Hey, how did you guys enjoy the music last week? Did you like the old school music?

I'm going to play you some more. I'm going to play you Ted Heath Elks Parade next week. This is slowly just going to become like fucking pirate radio. I bought two more records this week. I actually bought a Clash record because I felt really bad about trashing them. Not trash, I'm just saying. I didn't understand their music. So I deliberately went out and I bought a bunch of music that I never fucked with when I was a kid because I got into AC DC, which led me into Motley Crue, which led me then down to a really bad road of glam hair metal that I want to say ended with Brittany Fox. But somewhere in there though, I found Stevie Ray Vaughn when he did the video for Couldn't Stay on the Weather. So I always had one foot in decent music, but basically I totally shut out the Ramones, the Clash,

unless you know other than their radio shit, Elvis Costello. This is all shit I bought this week. I finally downloaded David Bowie, the Ziggy Stardust album, and I was like, you know, this is like one of these great concept albums that people listen to in the 70s, and I was like, fuck this, I'm doing it the way they did it in the 70s, minus the drugs. So I got my headphones that I have. I do have headphones. I have the big fucking, you know, they're actually for drums. They kind of protect your ears from the drums, and you also can listen to your iPod, which I don't have, my Dismant. And I plugged it in my laptop, and I listened to the album, and I fucked up,

because rather than listening to it in the track order, I guess on my iTunes I had it in, you know, last downloaded, so it kind of jumped all around the album. I kind of realized when Ziggy Stardust fucking killed himself or whatever by the third song, I'm like, wow, how's David Bowie going to pull himself out of this fucking thing? And then I realized, you know, once again I fucked up with technology, but the fucking killer album. And I don't know, if anybody has any suggestions of music from that era, you know, all the shit that I thought sucked like talking heads, I kind of liked a couple of their songs, but like some David Burns solo shit I found was amazing.

And to think that I was in a warehouse just trashing him during that period of my life, thinking that he sucked as I was listening to Cinderella and Poisoned and all this, oh god, Tesla. I'm not saying they were bad, but that was definitely the smooth jazz of heavy metal. It was, I don't know, it was just fucking embarrassing, really embarrassing. I think 80s music really gets a bad rap when you start listening to, I don't know, I don't know what the fuck. I just literally asked you for advice then, and then I bought a couple albums. All right, I actually literally still buy them too by the way. Bought a couple of CDs and didn't even listen to them yet, and now I'm already trying to tell you guys

what's good music from the 80s. Do you see the fucking, the inner Mussolini? It's fucking in me, I don't know. All right, let's get to underrated, overrated here. Oh what, you guys want to hear a story about revenge? I like how I ask you guys questions, you know, it's like you actually have a say, and as you sit there and nod your head in your cubicle, yeah, yeah, you know, or pump your fist on your fucking treadmill, you know,

or just say yes out loud in your middle seat on that Delta Airlines flight. Huh, you on Delta Airlines right now? Is there somebody with bad breath eating pistachios next to you? I ever tell you that fucking story? Unreal. And he's eating the red ones too that made his lips all fucking pink by the end of it. Horrific flight. All right, let's get to the revenge.

Where the fuck is it? Post-E generation. I'm really disorganized this week, okay, because I have guests. I'm entertaining this week. All right, I've been wearing a tuxedo for three days. Underrated, overrated, underrated, overrated. Where the fuck is the revenge story? God damn it.

Oh, this is embarrassing. Why don't I just read it? I'm just going to start, I'm just going to jump around. I'm just going to jump around. Who's that, House of Pain? No. Who the fuck, oh fuck you. I don't know who it was.

I tapped out during that period too. All right, movie review. Bill, I just got back from the midnight showing of The Watchman. I really don't know how to review it. I'm told it sticks pretty close to the graphic novel. It had cool special effects, great story, and good acting, but I kind of felt, eh, after it. After leaving The Dark Knight, I remember I was so amazed,

I didn't have a single thought run through my head for at least five minutes. After Iron Man and Hulk, I left feeling satisfaction. But with this movie, something just kind of left me feeling depressed after watching it. I think it was the overall message of the movie was serious, told in a totally ridiculous way. Anyway, I would recommend it, but go with caution. If you don't like comic books and have trouble following fragmented story lines like Tarantino movies, I wouldn't go.

You know, it's a goddamn good review. Got right to the fucking meat and potatoes of it. Oh, and by the way, he says it was directed by the guy who did the 300 story, 300 movie, so there's a lot of man ass in it. Yeah, I find that funny that guys really like that movie, 300. I mean, I thought it was pretty ridiculous, but the amount of guys that get pumped after they see that, I mean, that literally was Playgirl, the movie, I thought.

I just thought the whole thing was stupid. The interest is spot us. All right, good luck with that. You know what that's like? That's like Beyonce. My girlfriend downloaded that fucking album. The name of the album is I am dot dot dot dot Sasha Fierce. All right, Beyonce, well, good luck with that character.

You kind of still sound like Beyonce. If you ask me, beautiful, gorgeous woman. Woman really can dance, but her voice, whew. Jesus Christ. Horrible. Punishing you. Just fucking punishing you. Her best thing was when she whipped her head around and fell down on the stage.

That was probably one of the greatest things I think I've ever seen, and a lot of it's just bitterness. She's just absolutely gorgeous. You know, she's totally out of your league. And is there anything funnier than seeing a beautiful girl just fucking fall right on her ass? You know, this is ridiculous. I'm sure she's a nice fucking person, but you know, actually the reality is I'm kind of thinking like this is Jay-Z's fucking wife,

and didn't he stab somebody one time for something? Although he did it in a hacky way, he walked up and he used the Godfather line. He said, you broke my heart and then stabbed them. That's all alleged. Why don't I shut the fuck up? Okay, I will. Alright, here's the revenge story. Bill, I'm not really into revenge,

but if someone fucks with me to the point where I think about pushing them off a cliff, then yeah, I kind of feel like I have to do something. So, here's my story. Oh, this is a good one. Settle in for this one. If you're at home, get underneath your afghan and roast some fucking marshmallows, because this is like, this is the closest thing to a ghost story. This just has that evil fucking last house on the left vibe,

which I love that they're making again, because that reference will finally make sense to people. If you don't know what that is, there was a genre of films in the 70s, which were basically rape movies, Last House on the Left, Gator Bate, fucking Ice Spit on Your Grave, and evidently they're going to make a comeback, which I think is fucking hilarious, you know? We haven't had a good rape movie in a while.

Alright, let's remake Last House on the Left. I think that that needs to be updated. Alright, anyways, Bill, I had a girlfriend for about three years. This is the revenge story. Bill, I had a girlfriend for about three years who ended up cheating on me when I found, and when I found out about it, I called her out on it, and she got defences, and turned on me, blah, blah, blah.

Wow, dude, that's some pretty... She's got skills if she was able to do that. You cheated on me, you fucking bitch. Yeah? Well, you never do the dishes. Okay, I'm sorry. I guess you made a good point. How the fuck did she turn on you? Alright, Bill, just shut up and read the story.

Okay, well, so anyway, she turned on me. Then he goes, I made the poor decision and took her back about a year later. About a year later, she cheated on me again, and I told her to go fuck herself. Prior to the second cheating, I had bought a trip to Disney World for us. About eight months after we broke up, it was time for the Disney World trip, so I asked her if she wanted to go. She said yes, and off we went.

Now, my revenge kicks in. This is just like one of those movies, starts off all nice and sunny. We're going to the camp, we're going to Disneyland, and here comes fucking Jason on a crystal lake. So now my revenge kicks in. All of the degrading things I've ever wanted to do this chick, I did to this one. Okay, and I have guests, so I gotta mumble this shit. I busted on her face.

I pounded her into the ass until she puked. Jesus Christ. Women are just literally ripping their headsets off right now. Anyway, she goes, it was fantastic. On the fourth night, we had an argument. She told me that she wanted to go on this trip to try and win me back, because she felt bad for all the things she had done to me. Basically, she was apologizing for cheating.

When I told her that there was no chance of us getting back together, and the only reason why I fucked her was to make her feel like a prostitute. She bought a plane ticket home, and I felt wonderful. I guess what I'm trying to say is some people deserve what they get. Oh, God, what a great, great story. There's so many levels to that. Okay, first of all, just the fucking, the fact that she cheated on you and you took her back, you just liked De Niro's character in Casino, you know what I mean?

You didn't know how to handle it. And then she cheats on you a second time, and then you just become jaded, and you just go into like, it was like, you know, those movies with a guy, you know, the weak persons just getting the shit kicked out of him, and then finally they just can't fucking take it anymore, and then all of a sudden they turn into like fucking, like the Clint Eastwood character. You actually did that with this girl. And then the whole other level that I love, okay,

is that now that you've finally pounded this skank in bed the way she always wanted to, probably the reason she cheated on you, you know, because you probably were doing the I Love You kind of sex. Now you actually fucking do what you were supposed to be doing with this girl. Now she wants to get back with you. Fuck that. She didn't go to Disneyland because she wanted to get back with you. She went to Disneyland because she's a fucking cunt who saw a free tip to fucking Florida,

and she thought she was going to play you again and get more shit out of you. Then all of a sudden you come in there and you throw down like Johnny fucking Wad, and now all of a sudden, then she wanted to get back with you. And then you told her to go fuck herself, which was perfect, because I thought you were going to crumble in that moment, and you didn't, you know? And then she fucking left, and then that's great. You laughed your ass off and jumped on the teacups, listening to, it's a small world after all.

You know? That's fucking great. Four stars. If you fucking filmed that, I would not only would I go see it, I would buy it on DVD. Great fucking story of revenge. All right. There we go.

I would have a lot of passion in it, huh? Oh, we're only up to 34 minutes. All right, let's hustle through this. All right, overrated, overrated, underrated, lists for the week. Overrated, high priced Mexican food. You can get the same shit for half the price across the street. You know, some shit is written so perfectly, I don't even need to add to it. Exactly 100% correct.

I still had to add to it. All right. Underrated, fake boobs, fucking awesome. I like how that's written so short, and it's just up to me to draw my own conclusion. My own conclusions. Fake boobs, fucking awesome. Have you ever touched them? They're fucking horrific.

Personally, I guess fake boobs are the worst. Don't ever do that. I don't ever do that. Then all of a sudden, no matter how good they are, it's like you're having sex with a fucking cyborg. One of those awful Bruce Willis movies. Remember those, or Judge Dredd, you know, those movies where, you know, they always end up hooking up with some half person, half robot. That's what I feel about that stuff, and I really don't understand why people get facelifts and stuff, you know? First of all, it doesn't look good, and everybody noticed.

Even if you didn't notice, for some reason when you get your facelift, it also becomes really shiny. Can anybody explain what that is? Is that the Botox? What is it about getting facelifts that makes your face so fucking shiny? It literally looks like laminated. Now, you know what it looks like? It looks like the apples in the grocery store that they spray to make them really, really shiny. Speaking of which, you ever get an organic apple?

I mean, it's like so natural, there's like a fucking worm in it. I like the, I think I like the old shiny ones. All right, Bill, love your podcast. Just wanted to say, I think using, I like this one too. Bill, I just want to say, I think using big words is overrated. If you can express something by saying a simple, normal word, why use a big word? I just broke up with my girlfriend today, and earlier she had called me anthropobic, because I don't know what the fuck that means, because I don't like her friends.

She called me anthropobic because I don't like her friends. I just don't like most of her friends. It doesn't mean I hate people in general, or even hate her friends. I honestly didn't know what it meant, so I looked it up. It means a fear of people, which isn't even what she said. You're right, she didn't even use it correctly. Or actually, or she has a delusional view of her friends that her friends represent everybody, or that her friends are so great that if you don't like them, then you just hate all people,

because her friends represent humanity. Jesus, good move, man. Dumping that fucking stuck up, twat. Anyways, I definitely do not like a lot of people, but I don't hate people. Unlike that caller last week who messed with that guy's mom's car. Yeah, that guy was fucking nuts. Anyways, it seems like you're kind of the same way. I just don't see the point of using big words other than trying to sound smart.

Like if something can be said more easily, and in a way that's more easily understood by using smaller words, which I can't fucking read, especially if you have an idiot like me reading it, keep the word small, would you say something like that serial killer was, I don't know what this word is, a dachno maniac, or that serial was obsessed with killing? I don't think you'd say either. I think you'd just say that guy's a serial killer. I think we know what serial killers do.

I know what you mean, dude. I know what you mean. This is what I think. I think big words, they're much better in print. You know what I mean? Because you don't want to read a great novel and just have someone like, dude, shit was fucked up, you know? I was like, damn.

I mean, I wouldn't want to read like, I don't mind big words. But I mean, they have to be coming out of the right person's mouth. In fact, I kind of like them on some level when, you know, a person use a big word and it makes me want to read, and they're actually using it in an obnoxious way and they've earned the right to use it that way because they actually do read and don't watch TV. But yeah, if it's just some chick you were dating

who has cunty friends and they watch the OC every Thursday night and then she pulls out a word like that, that sounds like, that was a breakup word. She was like, I'm going to use a big word here so I can feel like I'm above this guy who's dumping me because my low self-esteem is going to fucking flow right over the side. I'm going to break down and I'm going to start crying and I'm going to have a snot bubble and I'm going to feel horrible.

And I know in six months I'm going to realize this person isn't worth crying about. So I'm going to use a fucking big word here to try to save myself. I really forgot what I was saying halfway through that. That's weird, I actually agreed with that guy and then in that scenario I just sort of trashed him like saying he wasn't worth crying over. You know what, I don't know shit about either one of you, but you wrote me the letter so I'm going to fucking side with you.

I'm trying to be more balanced because I trash chicks twice in this. All right, hey Bill, I've been a big fan of yours since I saw your HPL. I was wondering when you were going to come to the punchline in Atlanta. Well, why don't you go on my fucking website and scroll down and look for Punchline in Atlanta. That's usually a good way to find out when I'm at the punchline in Atlanta. I'm there in June. Why do I put my dates up?

You know why? Because 90% of you actually read the calendar and this fucking guy is not going to listen to this podcast and he's going to email me again this week. And you know what, I'm actually going to send him an email because I'm a whore. I'll tell him the exact dates and put a link on it, so I'm just going to shut up. Anyways, all your shit is left my ass off. Anyway, overrated, underrated.

Overrated, having kids. Marriage is bad enough, but for the life of me, I can't understand why the fuck anyone would ever want to have kids. Your life effectively ends when you have kids. Everything you do has to be for them. How fucking pathetic is your life that you have, that you decide, you know what would be fun? Never having any fun anymore.

I can't wait to clean shit out of some douchebag infant's asshole. Jesus Christ. You only get four hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky and never have any fucking fun with my friends ever again. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, are you kidding me? Underrated, this is the same guy. The maker's Mark Whiskey. Let me guess what you talk about after you've had a couple of belts from that.

Anyways, he says, this shit is all I drink and it's fucking spectacular. Under 40 bucks a handle, 80 proof and smoother than James fucking Bond. Ah, this guy's great. This guy's like the guy's guy. You know what I love about this dude? This is the kind of guy when you're in a bar and you know you're fucking up your life, which is why you go to the bar and you start drinking

and this is the guy who's going to tell you when your shit face that everything you're doing is exactly right. He's the guy who comes up, what's the matter, man? I don't know, man, I blew with this chick and he's the guy that you blew with this chick. What the fuck is wrong? You don't want to be with some fucking broad. What are you out of your fucking?

He just builds you up and then you get hammered, you get a DUI and then they take your shoe laces and then you curl up on that burlap sack they used for a blanket and you wait for your dad to come down and pick you up. You know, but in that moment, before all that shit happens, this guy's the shit. Dude, you know what it is? I think as you get older, like me,

I'm starting to really feel like I want to have a kid now because it gets pathetic after a while, you know? I don't know. I don't know if it's the magnetic pull of the herd. You know what I mean? Everything has like a gravity to it and I think that as much as you try to fucking escape the orbit of the fucking herd, you get pulled back into it and I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm having too much fun

like as a 40-year-old guy and I'm sitting there, you know, learning how to play good times, bad times and I get the NHL package and when I'm not watching TV, I'm learning how to play ACDC songs and when I'm not doing that, I'm fucking telling jokes on stage. It just gets to the point you're like going like, you start feeling guilty, you know? I don't mean guilty, but you just start looking like,

you know what, I need to fucking teach someone else how to do their life like this, you know? I gotta admit, I am a miserable motherfucker, but I am having a great time and you can have it too. If you learn how to talk about your dick on stage, alright, last thing, Bill. You started talking about the police last week and it got me thinking about them, the band, the police,

all this when I was talking about all the music that I missed out on. The police are one of the few that I listened to. Anyways, you started talking about them and so it made me pull out some of my old records and I started listening to them and his underrated for the week is, he said, Sting is a very underrated bass player. Most of the bass lines he plays are amazing.

I know most people think of him for his solo work and all the crappy new age stuff he does, but when he was with the police, he could rock a bass like no other. Yeah, I gotta admit, he's fucking... I don't know if he is underrated. Not with musicians he isn't, but I think with people he's underrated

because a lot of people feel that, yeah, a lot of his solo stuff is cheesy and he's playing with some of the... like Vinny Kaliuta and all these fucking guys. And then, oh my God, that song's like really lame. That feels like a gold song, which people think is like elevator music, has him on bass and I think Vinny Kaliuta

is actually playing on drums. All right, I'm a music nerd. All right, and that's it. It's 10 o'clock out here and I have to go... I gotta go do some touristy shit, so you guys, I really want to thank you for continuing to write in the questions the underrated overhead.

You guys, you know what's funny? You guys are getting so good at this shit that the podcast, I think, is becoming better. I'm actually reading out loud in a much better way. You guys are actually using punctuation and you're telling me some great stories. I'm loving the stories about revenge. And if you just want to comment on revenge in general,

because, you know, I don't know, revenge really... It's a line that I've never... I just don't cross that. I feel like that is the deepest, darkest part of your soul that you can go into, you know? You're fucking... You know what you're like? You're like Jimmy Smith on Dexter.

If you guys watched Dexter this season, I'm gonna recommend a couple of shows. Dexter I liked, but you gotta watch Brotherhood. Showtime on demand. You have to watch that fucking show. And it's just an unbelievable show. And there's actually... There's a couple of guys, first season,

a comedian, Tony V, that I learned so much from. And another guy actually started out with Kevin Chapman, who plays Freddie Cork, who's one of my favorite characters on television right now. I don't know, if you just into gangsta fucking shows, it's the shit. It's a great fucking show. Brotherhood, I'm sure you can rent the first DVD,

even if you buy it. No, don't buy it, because if you don't like it, then you're stuck with it. Then I gotta listen to you be a cunt. But fucking go rent it somewhere. I'm telling you, it's a great show. And I'm also into Breaking Bad. Those are my three shows.

Other than that, I just watch sports. And that is it. All right, that's really tapered off in the end. I hope you guys enjoyed it. You guys have a great week. And keep everything coming. And I'll keep doing the podcast. I'll talk to you next week.

Please come out and see me this Monday night. This coming up Monday the 16th at the punchline in San Francisco. Or come and see me in St. Louis at the House of Comedy in East St. Louis. All right, I got a brand new hour. And I got a new chunk of shit I'm working on. All right, that's it. Take it easy.

Something to make us all stop being You and me, take us out of this room Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being You and me, take us out of this room Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being You and me, take us out of this room Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being You and me, take us out of this room

Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being You and me, take us out of this room Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being Oh, oh, oh Give us the fantasy, bless it, you Something to make us all happy Do anything, take us out of this room Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being

You and me, one who can make us all laugh But the way that you break guarantees Please don't be sad if it was a straight line you had We wouldn't let no one work easy You and me, take us out of this room Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being You and me, take us out of this room Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being

You and me, take us out of this room Sing a song, play guitar, make it stop being You and me, take us out of this room Thanks for watching.