Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-19

Episode Date: April 12, 2019

Bill rambles about Premiere League, Hollywood deals, and pearls.

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It just check it in on you. I'm checking in on you. This is because I care. Okay. In this time when everybody else is just thinking about themselves and their issues. I'm the person that cares about everybody else and now I'm going to tell you about it because that's what the world is about now. The world is not about trying to go out and you don't do a good thing unless everybody knows you did a good thing. Here's me helping an old lady across the street. Hang on, Granny.

Look into my phone while I take a selfie of what a good fucking person I am. Um, and then I then I hashtag it humble. Um, just had the most amazing experience helping an old person across the street, which I documented on my smartphone. Hashtag humbled. Hashtag learn from your elders. Oh, I am in an extra country mood today. I'm not going to lie to you. It has nothing to do with the hipsters.

It's got nothing to do with the Manchurian candidate. Hey, by the way, you know, I want to apologize to everybody in England, the UK, the, what else do you call it? The fucking, uh, the something empire. Great Britain, right? Specifically, or specifically, depending on your education, I would like to apologize to the football fans of the Premier League. I've been making fun of it, saying it's fucking stupid. They, you know, and, and, and Man City, they had played a bunch of shit, pump teams, and they're just going to keep winning. And this is going to be like no excitement whatsoever.

And just when you thought this pasty freckled yank was right, what happened? Man City loses to the powerhouse that is Tottenham. Oh, no way. Tottenham, I could have told you fucking three years ago they were going to lose that game. Nothing sends shivers down the fucking spine of football fans as they shove fucking newspaper wrap fish into their faces. Like the phrase, we have Tottenham next. It's amazing. They fucking lost.

So I don't know what's going on. So now, you know, I think Liverpool could actually tie. And that, that would be amazing, right? After all of this running around and grabbing your legs and screaming in agony. The end of the year, you got two champions putting a whole new fucking meaning to we are the champions. We are the champions of the Premier League. And no one is fucking better except for that other team. We are the champions.

And so is the other city. I, for the life of me, don't understand how you have a fucking league that the entire world is watching and you don't, you're not going to have these two teams play each other. We are the champions of the world. But so is Man City. We tied as champions. So then what's going to happen? You guys are both going to walk around in your cities with your championship hats for 2019. And then you run into each other on the fucking tube of the train or wherever the fuck you are.

And then it's like literally like one of those stupid fucking feel good stories on Facebook. So and so had a twin that he was unaware of. He's now 63 and he went to a mall on Long Island and ran into this fucking jerk off that was his brother that he didn't know, right? I just think that's hilarious when siblings meet each other in their 60s that they didn't know existed. Now what are you going to talk about? You know, I had my gallbladder removed to you really are my brother. You want to go play fucking catch. I don't have shoulders that work anymore.

You also dodge the draft. Oh my God, how could you not be related? So that's what's going on right now. And I tried looking up to figure out, you know, the standings and all of that shit in the Premier League. Everyone will be champion this year. All right, standings. The same way it can end in a 0-0 tie. You can have two champions.

All right, so right now Liverpool has two more points, but I've learned that that doesn't mean shit unless you know like how many games are left. And I got to be honest, I don't give a fuck. I don't. Okay, I'm still rooting for Liverpool. I'm still paying attention. But if the end of all of this fucking shit, these fucking two assholes aren't going to play each other in Man City could, could, I don't know, could not win it because they lost at Totterham. Roy, can I get a bit of Totterham on the sandwich, please? I don't know.

Whatever. You know what I'm doing? I'm doing what I fucking hate people do when they come to this country. They just come here and they tell me how fucked up it is. Like, I as an American don't realize it. It's like, dude, I fucking live here. Can you stop country explaining to me while you man spread across to me? You toxic, foreign male Caucasian, whatever the fuck these fucking brats are bitching about this week.

Anyways, there's a big strike that's supposed to be happening out here. I'm hoping they're going to win the Writers Guild. You know what these fucking piece of shit agents did? They actually fucking started packaging deals with them, making more money than the fucking person they're allegedly working for. It's just classic them. And you know what they do? They go to bed, they fucking sleep fine. You know, you know what's funny is none of my agents have brought this up.

Like, yeah, I mean, I wasn't a part of it and it's despicable. Hey, Nia, we were just saying that you haven't been on the podcast in forever. I know, it's been a while. What? You could not sound less, I don't know, missing of the podcast. What? What's going on with you, gorgeous? You're looking great.

Thank you. Huh? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Huh? Thank you. You know how much I love you. I know.

Nia woke up. I woke up this morning and the first thing Nia says was just like, oh my God, I was asleep until midnight and then I couldn't go to sleep until 4 a.m. And you know, and you want as a husband to be like, well, that sucks for you. But you know what that means. You got to go get the little rug rat. I did. I made a waffle.

I came in there this morning. I go, hey buddy, I want waffles. Right out of the gate. She came in with a breakfast order. I want waffles. All right, but I'm a strict dad. So you know what I did? I went right downstairs and I made her waffles.

That's right. Yeah, you're eating a healthy breakfast. What'd you say, sweetheart? You want waffles? Okay. Absolutely. Anything for you. But then I didn't make waffles for you, Nia.

I did not because you've been crushing it on your diet and there's all kinds of sugar and shit and that. You don't need it. And I didn't want to be the guy that handed you the crack pipe. Nia, this off mic thing that you're doing on the podcast is about as exciting as watching Liverpool and Man City not play each other for the championship. Everyone is champion in soccer. If you fall down, we'll fucking stop the game for 20 minutes.

Boo, boo, boo, boo. The more you watch soccer, the more you can see how much it hurts, you know, and they get the spikes going. Like, when Mo Salah was on that breakaway and that guy just basically peeled the skin off the back of his calf. But I love that he was on a breakaway and he kept going. Mo Salah actually looks like, he's like, looks like the Judd Apatow of Premier League soccer.

Nothing. You just going to walk out? I know. I was about to be like, you just say what I think you said. What? They look like each other. The player in the soccer league. Oh, okay, okay.

Yes. Nia, always looking out for me. Always looking out for me. Did you just say something about Tara Reid? Anyways, stay on the cut playoff started. Now, for all you English people over there, you're probably like, right, what's that? Is that like everybody sort of just mills around playing each other and then the end, the, you know, like whoever has the most points wins.

Right now, everybody in England is just like, that's a fucking terrible X. I'm going to compound it with a bad accent. Right. We don't talk like that, Mike. Yeah, started last night. The Islanders big win in overtime over your Pittsburgh penguins. OT loss. OT loss.

San Jose sharks. I fell asleep. I think they were handled in the nights. They're pretty well as four to one. And I didn't see what happened with Nashville. No, wait. Yeah, that was the, yeah. Okay.

Sorry, I watched, I got a kid now. I don't know what the fuck's going on. But I'll tell you what, as much as I have a child, as much as I'm a dedicated father, I still had time to go out to my little fucking garage with my wonderful, beautiful, rich broadcaster set. And I was there. I was working on that, that sound garden song. Never the machine again, which is in nine.

I saw a site. I figured out that it was in nine. And then I figured out the main groove. And then that second groove where he goes on the toms. I can never fucking hear where he's at. So I had to watch some kid on YouTube play it. But I was, I'm able to, the whole song though, what I love about the whole songs, it's, it's in nine.

And then it feels like it switches, but it never does. He's just fucking with the time. It was almost like he was either playing double time at first and then regular time or he was playing regular time and then halftime, which I think is what he's doing. And just the way he comes up with the drum parts, Matt Cameron, the overrated underrated for this week. Matt Cameron, drummer for sound garden, Pearl Jam. And whoever his next band is going to be, whoever they're going to be.

I don't know. I always thought he was like wasted in Pearl Jam. That he could play all these different time signatures. As far as I know, Pearl Jam just plays in four. You know? So that's like you got like some fucking amazing, like, I don't know, wide receiver and you just have them on special teams. Is that what it is, Bill?

The non-musician Conte. Who the fuck are you to tell one of the biggest bands ever that they're wasting one of the great drummers of all time? You know, I got a lot of fucking balls. First, you attacked the Premier League and now you're giving shit to fucking whoever puts together Pearl Jam. Were they fishermen? Is that how they came up with Pearl Jam?

You know, what do pearls come out of? Is it oysters? I can never remember. It is pretty amazing that we somehow found those fucking things. Crustaceans. Buried in the fucking sand in the goddamn ocean. Our stupid nosy asses. We're like the broads of species.

You know, your fucking wife just sticks their fucking nose in everything. Everything is curious to them. They say they're curious. It's like, no, you're nosy. You're snooping around. It's fucking nuts. All right. Where do pearls come from?

U.A. That's where he is, right? Why is my internet this fucking slow? Have they just decided that I have to buy a new fucking? Although clams and mussels can also produce pearls, they do so. They don't do so very often. Everything has to be inclusive. We're not saying, we're not saying clams and mussels aren't as good as oysters.

As oysters grow, an internal organ called the mantle uses minerals from the oysters food to produce a substance called, ah, who gives a shit. Somebody sat and figured that out. Somebody opened that up and found it and was like, you know what, I'm going to give this to the fucking woman in the tribe. I want to bang. And it was shiny. And the other women didn't have it. And she liked them.

And the dude got his fucking prehistoric dick sucked. And the trajectory of that, those butterfly wings flapping turned into all that bullshit you see on TV with Tiffany's, you know. As a man, if you ever produce one of those, when are you going to get out of the ring commercials? Like you really, something should happen to you. You should lose something. I'm not saying physically, but you should, somebody should take your flat screen away for like six months. No sports packages. But then again, what kind of man who's into sports?

Well, a lot of them, because they're all about the fucking money, like these fucking goddamn agents out here. What a bunch of cunts. You know, it's not that you steal, it's that you go to bed at night with a smile on your face. That's what kills me about the fucking agencies out here. They don't even have any guilt over what the fuck they do. Just like every other fucking corporations, it's just fucking unbelievable. I'm fucking believable. And they know they got everybody by the fucking balls.

Everybody's going to fire their fucking agent. They know, they know, they did it. You did it. Congratulations. Congratulations. Go get your fucking infinity pool, your fucking greedy cunts. I'll tell you, that's not just this business. Any time you come up with an idea, all right, and you're getting business with somebody else, you think that they're working with you.

I swear to God. I swear to God. But at the end of the day, you're going to end up fucking working for them. Every time you think you're not the fucking whore walking the block and you think you finally got in the car and now you're the pimp, you're not. You're fucking walking the block for somebody. It's fucking ridiculous. May they all die a fucking, a fucking heart attack today when they go out and eat their fucking surf and turf lunches, greedy cunts. Oh no, I can only get so fucking mad about it.

What do you expect? What do you expect? That's what they do. It's what they do. It's what they do. They're all about the fucking money. Maybe that's what artists can do to fight back because we're not organized enough. Maybe we should just fucking, you know, and they still would.

It's not that you could say to them, hey, what's up, you greedy cunt? They'd be like, hey, how are you? I'm riding my May back. Anyway, moving on. So the Bruins play the Toronto Maple Leafs once again this and you got to think at some point Toronto has to push through. Will this be the year? I am rooting for those guys, but not this series. And if they beat my Bruins, then I will root for them because it's getting ridiculous.

You know what is amazing though? And it really just goes to show you how nice people are in Canada on the surface, even though it's probably arguably more racist up there than it is down here. And I know that that's a big statement, but somebody has to offset Michael. What's his face there? Is it Michael Moore? Remember his fucking ridiculous cartoon version of what Canada was like? Everybody leaves their doors unlocked and their gingerbread houses up there.

Geez, I understand that he's too fat to actually go and do some fucking research, which is why all his documentaries are just op-ed pieces. But that fucking moron, he should go fucking interview one guy of colour who tried to make it in the NHL and just have him tell some fucking stories of playing minor league hockey up there and what people said fucking last week to him on the ice. Anyway, oh Jesus, going after England, now going after Canada, talking about fucking broads, bitching in the U.S. Bill, what's left?

Let's left El Salvador. Now look, if you fucking people are going to be down there sewing our clothes together, God damn it, you do it right. Alright, here is another question I have. No, so here's the thing. This goes to show how nice they are on the surface level in Canada. I remember when the Rangers haven't won it since 1940, everyone in the 80s, everyone was chanting 1940, 1940, so they were 40-something years in.

Nobody chants 1967, maybe because it's 67, it's just too long. 1940, doesn't have a good rhythm here. 1967, that's like when the Red Sox finally won and Yankee fans couldn't chant 1918 anymore, so now they just go Boston, they used to be 1918, now they go Boston sucks. They turn a one syllable word to a two syllable word because they're too fucking dumb. You can't think of a fucking insult with two syllables? I don't know.

Maybe, I don't know. I don't understand, but why isn't anybody, it was always fucking chanting our year. Nobody chanted 1906 or 1907 at the Cubs, but everybody chanted 1918. I got to tip my cap to Yankee fans. Well, actually ESPN, the way they fucking overhyped all of that. And of course them, they didn't get to the real story about it. You know what I mean? Where it was just like, yeah, we were just a horribly inept franchise.

And the Yankees were not good owners. They didn't know what the fuck they were doing, right? They didn't do that. And the Yankees were just this amazing organization that picked Michael Jordan four decades in a row, bottom one time. And no one's ever gonna fucking do that again. All right, you got the Green Bay Packers. Green Bay Packers are on their way. They went from Brett Farrer, all right, to Aaron.

Now when Aaron's done, I ask you this, when Aaron Rodgers is done, if they have another Hall of Fame quarterback that wins one or two Super Bowls three times in a row, I don't think anybody's ever done that, right? I don't think so. No, they haven't. Nobody's ever fucking done that. What is amazing, too, is they have three. Do they have the greatest quarterbacks of all time collectively?

Bart Starr, Brett Farrer, Aaron Rodgers. Who can do better than that? Terry Bradshaw, Ben Roethlisberger, then you got nothing. We got Tom Brady. And my heart also says Steve Brogan drew Bledsoe. But, you know, the stat people won't allow that. Bob Greasy, Dan Marino, to have three. Three is hard.

Let's see here. Roger Starr back. No, nobody else there. Wait a fucking minute. God knows the Bears and the fucking Browns. You don't even have to think about them. Bobby Lane, that's it. Huh?

Come on in, buddy. Hey. Hey, did you like the waffles? Yeah. Yeah? Um, yeah. What are you doing today? Come on up on the bed.

Come on. You want to hold that. All right. I'm talking about, is anybody other than the Packers have three Hall of Fame quarterbacks? Huh? Hello. You want to say hello?

Say hello. Hello. Hello. Say hello, everybody. Now she's getting shy. Um, yeah, I got to give it. I got to give it up to the Green Bay Packers. And which makes sense because they've won the most NFL titles

and Super Bowls. But you guys, you guys have heard this argument enough times. Um, it's time for me to read some advertising. I only got one this week. Oh, hey, buddy. It's Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club. Can she not be looking at this thing?

I'm trying to avoid the screen time. She's looking at herself not in her bed. Say bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Yeah, it's all done. All done. I know you want it.

But you can't. You can't. You can't have it. The who? The who. What is she doing today? Music class. You going to music class?

No, she said remote. Bye-bye. Yeah, she's not happy. All right. She's saying I want remote. I want remote. All right. Dollar Shave Club.

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You know what those sons of bitches did? They actually gave me a little old gym bag, green and white, like the money they're making, right? There's my initials on it. It's great, old school guys shit. And I opened it up and there was a bunch of ping pong balls in there. I think that's, I don't know, so your stuff doesn't smell. I have no idea.

But I was looking for my favorite product that they have is the OneWipe Charlies. You know what I mean? That's like the poor man's bidet. It's like toilet paper 2.0. So, you know, you don't fucking leave with a ticker tape parade still on your fucking asshole. I'm sorry people.

I didn't mean to be there. So if Mr. Dollar or Mrs. Shave Club is listening, why don't you help old freckles stock up? Maybe I could get a fucking membership and stop being such a fucking cheap bastard here. It's in Indianapolis with 6 area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at cerrillas.com. Um.

Boodidoo, boodidoo, boodidoo, boom, boom, boodidoo. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, five guys. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Um, anyways. Uh, Paul Verzi. I love Paul Verzi. And you know something?

He had one of the most inadvertently hilarious tweets last night, which I am gonna give him shit about. Paul Verzi's on the road right now, and I'm so proud of this guy. He's, he's doing his first like serious like headlining tour across the country, right? And you know, if you, if you got somebody opening for you, okay, and you're like bringing him around the country

and you're not a fucking asshole, you want to see that person grow into a headliner, which sucks for you because eventually you won't work together as much. But you know, you're not going to sit there and root against, you know, I'm sorry, this isn't coming off as sincere as I wanted it to, because I'm also clicking on his fucking website. Loading tour dates. All right.

So this is where he's going to be. He's got the punchline in Philly, April 11th, 12th, the 13th. He's at Raleigh Improv on the 18th, the 19th, and, uh, and the 20th. All you people down south, don't sleep on him, just because he's fucking a New Yorker. Then he's at the New York Comedy Club on the 26th and the 27th of April. All right. I got to tell you, I saw him at Gotham Comedy Club and he was stretching

because they're waiting for Seinfeld to get there and I just watched, I watched him and it was just, I was like, there it is. That man is ready. He is now officially a headliner and all you got, it's just people have to discover that. So he's learning, uh, it's kind of cool to actually talk to him because I remember being where he's at, where he's like, you know, certain areas, they know who he is and he does great.

And then you go down south and nobody knows who you are. Same way for Southern Comic comes up north. It's like you went to a different country at first till everybody starts to know who you are. Imagine Ron White probably had that issue at some point during his career before he, uh, became the superstar that he is. Um, so catch Paul Verzi now and you can say, I saw him when I saw him when. Uh, but anyways, he had this hilarious tweet.

He's always talking shit. He goes, I haven't smoked a cigar for 17 days, which I'm very proud of him. And then he, then he writes, tell me I can't do 30, which is fucking hilarious. Not only because there's people out there trying to get off fentanyl and there's people evidently getting sold into slavery and Libya and all he's trying to do is not smoke a fucking cigar and a jacuzzi for a month. Stay strong, Paul. But what I love is he goes, tell me I can't do 30.

Almost like he was trolling people on the internet and everything that I saw for the most part was negative. People were sending him pictures of cigars or they just write gay. And it just, I don't know. It's just like, it's like you walked into a boxing ring with your chin out. Going, I date and punched me in the fucking chin. That just mean the internet is just mean you don't go to the internet for support. Um, but he hasn't smoked a cigar in 17 days and evidently he now thinks I, and I know him in his head.

He thinks he's doing, he's like what Reggie Miller used to do to the Knicks. Like he's just Barry and threes stealing the inbound pass running past the three, the other side of the three point line and hitting another one. Um, but I am proud of him too. Cause that's what, you know, I'll be honest with you too. All the cigars, Paul is not smoking. I am smoking. So I got to kind of lay off.

Um, but I'm just not feeling like I want to because that's like my only vice I really have right now. Oh, Freckles is coming up on 140 days. I know fucking booze. Um, 20 goddamn weeks. And I gotta be honest, as much as I bring it up to you guys, I always bring it up to you guys. I know you're sick of it. I just bring it up to you because I want, I want to, I want to be held accountable. No, I seriously, I just want this, I want to keep going with this thing.

So I said I'm doing a fucking calendar year, January 1st to December 31st. And I'm actually thinking of going to my birthday next year. Um, I don't know, I get weird with this shit. Like now it's like, all right, you know, I don't want to like, I don't want to end the streak. You know, tell me I can't fucking make it to 140 days people. Um, anyways, all right, I think that's going to be the podcast here for this week. Congratulations to all the football fans in Europe of the Premier League. You must be going absolutely crazy right now, knowing that there's an incredible chance that, uh, there could be two champions this year.

Or maybe there isn't. I'm trying to look at my efforts for family script that I have to read here in an hour. The table read, I'm just going to get there early, I think. Because I can't, I can't read this shit. It won't open for me. Um, anyways, episode nine, everybody, this time next week, we're going to be reading episode 10. And then season number four has been written and we still have to do all the punch ups and the editing and all that. That takes another fucking nine months.

You know, the big stuff, the big heavy lifting is out of the way. All right, well, that's it. The podcast, all right, is done, but there's going to be a little musical interlude here. Um, and then we're going to play your greatest hits another half hour bonus of a greatest hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from earlier this year. 10 years ago, I don't know when I started doing these things. All right, have a great weekend, you cunts. Here we go.

Here we go. Paul Verzi, of course, was saying Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player of all time. And then he said all the usual shit. He basically repeated shit that he heard on TV that he played at the dead ball era. Right. And, uh, lawhead was also trying to tell me, you know, yeah, he, and I was just saying, listen, I'm not saying he's not one of the great players of all time, but he's not the greatest of all fucking time for the simple fact. He didn't play against the greatest.

All right. He played in a segregated league with the Pedro Martinez, the Mariano Rivera's. Okay. The Josh Gibson's, they weren't allowed in the fucking league. He didn't have to compete against Reggie Jackson. He didn't have to compete against these guys. They weren't allowed in the league. He was playing in basically a softball league.

Okay. With the top third, what I would say would make, you know, would make the major league baseball nowadays. Okay. But I get it. You got to think like two thirds of them wouldn't even fucking been there. Then they try to do that shit. Well, Bill, there was only 10 teams. There's 30 teams now.

Yeah. And there was also only fucking 2 billion people on the planet. Now there's 7 billion. All right. So I'll knock off like, I'll give my next to 10% on his fucking numbers then. Like, give me a fucking break. All you got to do. Dude, he played baseball when people died at tuberculosis.

He played baseball like there was a hit song. And that song was written in the 1890s and everybody thought it was too fucking crazy. What is this devil music? God damn it. See what happens when you let them off the plantation, they get a piano. They couldn't even handle it. He played baseball. That was a hit.

People would just hear it and then sit around wondering when they were ever going to hear it again because they had no device to play it on. Right. That guy came to town and everybody stood around him and they played a fucking piano. You see how they worked out back then? Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. And only white guys, no black supporter, weekends.

Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Those big, dumb fucking gloves that look like little people hands. Give me a fucking break. Not to mention Babe Ruth. I mean, they built a stadium towards his strength, that right field fence. Okay. You could, you could make a cop show with two toddlers and they could do the classic scene where the fucking cop chases the perp down the alley and he gets to the chain link fence

and fucking jumps over it. You could, you could film that with two toddlers with the right field fence in Yankee Stadium, the house that Ruth built. All right. He backed up to catch a fly ball. It hits you like mid thigh and you fell into some guy's lap. Right. So anyway, give me a fucking break.

All right. From 1930 on, I'll give it to you. All right. But if you played in the teens, you played in the arts, you played in the 1800s and even into the 20s, go fuck yourself. All right. And I feel like every look, every like major sport has their three stooge's error. Where one team won a bunch of fucking championships.

All right. I love the Boston Celtics, but give me a break. You look at them in the 1960s. I mean, it looks like, it looks like a game being played at the Y. You know, some Christian rec league. All right. The fucking Canadians won a bunch of Stanley cups when, you know, you had first dibs on any guy within a 300 mile fucking radius in a 16 fucking league.

They had first dibs on anybody in French speaking Quebec. And we, we had, you know, we had first pick at like the best guy from Vermont. Gee, did you go on a run? It's fucking ridiculous. Okay. And then the Green Bay Packers who were actually the fucking Yankees of football, you know, they, you know, they were winning titles when the Canton Bulldogs were still in the fucking league.

All right. Give me, come on. Right. Football was like a, I think they played with a pumpkin back then. I mean, give me a fucking break. All those chains, the whole star, the history, the blah, blah, blah. The only ones that I will, I will, I will recognize their championships without a grain of salt.

I would say any of the New York Yankees from like the 1930s on for the simple fact they went Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantel. That's just nobody's, nobody's ever going to do that again. You're not going to get the Jordan of your era four times in a fucking row. All right. You're just not going to do it. So without a doubt, I respect all of that type of shit. But you know, at the inception of these fucking leagues when crazy legs, Johnson runs around,

googly eyes, fucking Ulysses and give me a fucking break. Okay. He played in the dead ball era. You don't understand this guy had more doubles who was on the mound. My great grandfather coming out of the bullpen. Oh, freckles. Was that the song they played when he came in center? Enter Sandman.

They weren't facing cut fastballs back then. I'm sure there was guys throwing 90 hundred miles of fucking hour, but just the amount of bums that were in that fucking league back then. I don't want anyone to hear it. There was, there's a guy in the hall of fame who for good luck in baseball. He kept a section of rope that was used in an actual lynching. Okay. This is how long ago these fucking people played and you're going to sit there and act

like in the inception of these fucking leagues. You know, look, and obviously in every era, there was a Jordan. All right. But just like the techniques and everything, some of the records that were set back then they'd have a fucking heavyweight fight. It would go on for like a day. They'd have like a fucking, you know, a 90 round fight. Okay.

Now listen, you're getting punched in the fucking head. But what kind of technique are you using? Who did bear knuckle fucking people bubble guy go fuck. I didn't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. All right. The competition now is so much more insane that I just think it would immediately eat it, but I guess they would compete at the same level, but like just the fact that it's

now everybody gets to compete and not to mention like, I mean, you can get fucking fathers out there are trying to try to teach that kid how to throw a curveball to get, you know, get the family out of the trailer park when the kids like six years old, stunting the growth of one of his fucking arms, you know, cause they live in a fucking trailer and somebody's got a growth on their face that they want to have it and they want to remove that on those kids going out there, you know, back in the day, you went out and you played catch with your little kid. Now you go out there and you from day one, you try to teach him how to switch it.

It's insane. All right. So whatever I'm just saying. So whatever if you guys think Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player. It's so hard to say because all you can go by is this guy's fucking stats. You played back, you know, it was probably a guy better than fucking Babe Ruth, but he got polio. You know what I mean?

I just, I know. All right. I'm done. I'm done fucking. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 11th, 2000. 11, 2011, 2011, 2011, whatever the fuck I got to say all this goddamn year. How the hell are you?

Don't I sound bright eyed and bushy tailed? I'll tell you why. I'm going to tell you why right now because I tried to do the podcast last night. I just can't do it on the days I travel, you know, flew across this country once again from Philly all the way out here and I'm like, all right, I took an early flight, 730 in the morning. I'll land 1030 LA time. Somehow I'll take a little old man nap in the afternoon.

You know, the old men take a nap. You know what I mean? Well, you lie in the fetal position with your hands in the prayer, prayer pose between your fucking milk white thighs. If you're me sitting there in your BBDs and a t-shirt and black dress socks on faced in towards the cushion. That's an old man nap. And then somewhere through it, you roll over on your back, start breathing out your fucking

mouth in and out just. You know, that's what all people do. And the old guys do it right in the fucking living room so no one can watch TV. Just dominate in the house. Yo, old man balls just hanging out the side of your tidy whiteies. That was the plan. That's what I was going to do. Then you always end up getting cold too.

I never understood that. If I lie on the couch awake and I'm not moving, I never get cold. But the second you fall asleep, you get all chilly. Why do you get chilly when you're sleeping? Jesus, I hate myself this week. I'm not even going to fucking get into this shit. How fucking unfunny I was last night in the podcast. I try to record this thing for like 20 goddamn minutes.

To the point, I have to put up one of the outtakes at the end of this. I've never done that. I want to put up an outtake of me just quitting on a story. I'll put that up at the end. But before I get into the rest of the podcast, ladies and gentlemen, I got a couple of things I have to hype. Like tonight, for all you people in Los Angeles, I'm going to be doing a benefit for all the victims of the earthquake

slash tsunami over there in Japan. I'm going to be doing it at the Catalina Jazz Club tonight. It's at 6725 Sunset Boulevard just east of Highland. All right, I'm going to have the link and everything up on themmpodcast.com. The show starts at 8 p.m. It's called Cabaret Cares Songs for Japan. So it's actually comedy and some music. So there'll be some Broadway stars down there.

Daisy Egan's the one who actually put it together. For those of you who are into Broadway, she won a Tony Award when she was 11. All right, sang at Carnegie Hall and killed it at 11. All right, but got the fucking award from... Who's that chick there that I said that women should still be dressing like? Breakfast at Tiffany's. What the hell is her name there? The one who looks like a little fucking...

Not a rat. Not a hamster. What's a cute little fucking big brown-eyed rodent? That's what she looks like to me. Oh, God, I wish I could have gone on a date with her and said that to her. You know, right as she's starting to like me and just look across her trying to say some peppy-lip-pew like romantic shit, you know? Come here, my little brown-eyed rodent.

Ah, fuck. You ever notice how fucking racist that is? Peppy-lip-pew? I never noticed. Did I talk about that on the podcast? Well, I don't care if I did. Got a wing an hour every week. You're not going to fucking repeat yourself. And then, you goddamn cubicle, how many times you told that fucking joke?

Two guys walking to a bar, you know, just waiting for a new employee so you can hit him with your same old fucking stories. How dare you? How dare you question me? You motherfucker and your goddamn cubicle. Huh, what are you doing? You hating yourself right now because you ate the whole Cinnabun because you lied to yourself. I'm going to cut it in half and I'm not going to do it.

You cut it in half and you saw that sugary goodness, huh? Just fucking coming down and the fucking baker jizz that's on top just dripping down the side and what do you do? You went down on it. You went down on it like some whore just got off a bus in a strange city. That's what you did. Now you had your sugar rush and you're like, yeah, I'm going to fucking make it through the whole day.

Cinnabun, the poor man's 12-hour energy. Hey, can somebody please explain to that commercial to me when those guys take that 12-hour energy, whatever the fuck it is, they take it and the guy goes, yeah, all right, I'm ready. And then he sits down and puts his feet up on the table and reads a newspaper. I thought it was supposed to make you go work. What's the deal?

Oh god, am I going to suck on this one too? You know what? Fuck you guys. Every once in a while I have a bad set. I think I'm going to bomb this week. So anyways, getting back to what I was talking about. So I had planned on taking a nap. An old man fucking nap, by the way. Stripped it right down in my underwears

and sleeping on the couch like a fucking, the old man that I am. But the Masters was on and I had to watch it because Rory McIntyre from Ireland looked like he was going to win the damn thing. You know, plus I'm always rooting for Tiger, you know, because I have issues with women. I have such issues with women that I actually think that at their women meetings

where they trash guys, they actually have like a little counter on how many tournaments it's been since Tiger actually won. And they're trying to sit there, you know, as they fucking braid their hairy muffs just sitting there. As they braid their hairy muffs, right? And they're just sitting there going, you know why, you know why he hasn't won?

Because every good man is a strong woman. I know they're saying that shit. So I'm fucking rooting for Tiger, even though I had a bet with Keith Robinson. Every year we bet the Masters and every year he picks Tiger and then I pick a white guy. You know, it's sort of fun with racism. And I send him texts like white power

and this is a white man's game and you're not taking over this one. We'll give you football. We'll give you basketball. You know, black people actually took over baseball there for a minute then they just stopped giving a shit. You know, it's too boring. I don't know what it was.

I like that when they do those things on sports shows. We have to get more African-Americans into the game of baseball. They don't like it. You know, why are you going to force a fucking sport? You know what it is, it's because baseball sucks since they left. I actually know the Latinos saved it.

What am I, a Def Jam comic? What's with all the race shit this week, Bill? You ever see a white person playing baseball? Shit. God is jersey all snug up on his nuts and shit. Do you guys see what's his face? Manny Ramirez tested positive again. Ah, it sucks.

Then he just, then he fucking skedaddled. Yeah, I'm retired. I'm going to go to spay with my dad. I didn't like how Papal Bond was giving him shit. I thought that was a cunty move. I get it. You obviously didn't like the guy when he fucking played on your team but you don't have to be a cunt and throw the guy under the bus

saying all the shit that these guys are already going to say. It's kind of like this asshole here in the, one of those guys in the New York Post, you know? Those guys, they, or is he one of those guys on Around the Horn? That show that just makes absolutely no sense. I don't understand that show. I don't understand how the points work.

I don't understand why that guy who sounds like somebody imitating somebody stupid, you know, hosts the show is always clicking, why he's in charge of the scoring. I don't understand it. I don't, I don't get it. And it's always like four guys talking at once and I like Wally. Is that his name?

I don't get that fucking show. I think this guy's one of those guys on that show. So anyways, if you, if you watch the Masters, which I've watched for the last three years, I went to it last year, two years ago, I watched Kenny Perry. I'm watching this guy just, you know, looks like a regular guy.

I'm like, oh great, he's going to win the Masters. And then I watched just the fucking wheels come off. The entire last day and the guy completely chokes. And I got to tell you something, golf is the worst game to choke in. You know, if you're a goaltender in the NHL and you let up a bad goal, I mean, how long does that take? You know, what?

Fucking a split second? You let up another bad one? People boo you. I mean, what? It's a bad period. They take you out of the fucking game. It's maybe a half hour of your life. And that's a long fucking time.

You miss the big shot. You call a fucking timeout like Chris Weber or whatever, right? It's fucking over. It's done. You walk off the court. That's it. I guess he gets shit for it still. Bill Buckner, ball rolls through his fucking legs

and the, and the Mets win it. All right. How long did that take? Dude, you choke in golf. I guess I'm talking about the game itself. The amount of shit that you get afterwards. Cause that's usually lifelong. Cause I heard that Bill Buckner had to move to like Idaho with some shit.

But what I'm saying is going through the agony of the choke is anywhere from a split second up to about, I don't know, 20, 25 minutes. But in golf, it's hours. Hours and hours. I have three hours watching this kid just all over the fucking course. And you know what? He's 21 years old. I thought he handled it tremendously.

He handled it tremendously. One point he kind of laughed and shook his head at one hole when he was standing in between a couple of houses. I've never seen houses on a golf course before in my life. That's how bad his shot was. It wrecked a shade off a tree. His ball landed in like a kiddie pool. I'm telling you folks, it was off the golf course.

Jesus, I sucked this week. So this douche fucking writes, his shirt was stained in the front. Everybody's shirt was stained. You're playing fucking golf in the sun. Fucking fat fuck. Your goddamn shirt was probably stained when you typed this. Listen to what this guy said.

It was stained in the front, untucked in the back. A little boy lost. Rory McElroy trudged up the final holes at Augusta National on Sunday afternoon as if looking for somewhere to cry. His swagger had shriveled up into a stoop. His boyish smile became gnawed lips. I want to ask somebody else to watch it. Did anybody see at any point where he was going to cry?

I thought he held his composure. Granted, he played fucking horrific. He definitely maybe started to panic or whatever. I'm not a golfer. I don't know what the fuck happens. But he didn't look like he was going to cry. I hate these fucking sports writers. You know what I mean?

You already have a word count, so you've got to throw in another adjective in there. He's 21 fucking years old. And then what happens is when something like this happens in sports, then these fat fuck sport writers who sucked in gym class, you know they did. They were the kids who got like the bloody nose and playing dodgeball. Then they just start turning up the fucking pressure.

That's what sucks about choking those, because now everyone's going to be sitting there going like, you know. You had that collapse at the Masters. Have you had time to reflect? Even at the end, I thought he'd said it well. He said, what's going on? What are you thinking about right now? And he just said, listen, it's too early.

It's too early to reflect on what had just happened. Talk to me in a couple of days. I thought I was really fucking mature. Whatever. So I support the guy. I hope he fucking wins this goddamn thing again. Fuck. I lost 50 bucks because Tiger ended up having a higher score than Rory.

I just picked the top white guy. I started watching the second day, so then I bet with Keith. And now I owe that son of a bitch 50 bucks. You know what kills me is he's just going to blow it on another itchy sweater. All right. Let's get into the podcast here for this week. What the hell am I here? Oh, another thing I have to hype.

Another thing I have to hype this week is people have been asking me. I have a date at the punchline in San Francisco on Monday, May 9th. And people are asking me when the tickets go on sale. They go on sale this Friday, April 15th. All right. That's the deal. Go to the punchline San Francisco website, which of course I don't have that fucking information, but you can Google it.

Right. Anyways, let's talk about my weekend. I had two awesome shows. I did one at the record theater in Towson, Maryland. And then the next one I did was at the tower at the tower theater in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Legendary venue. I might add. Okay.

You know, I'm all about the history. David Bowie recorded a live album there. First time Bruce Springsteen got a check for five grand was standing on right after we stood on that stage and performed. Average white band record their live album. The fuck is it called cut the cake, pick up the pieces. I can see a pussy lips, whatever the fuck it's called. That was all recorded there. So I got to go down there and become part of that fucking history.

And it was awesome. And I want to thank everybody who showed up both to the Maryland gig and to the one out in Philly. Maryland gig was amazing. And then Philly just completely took it to a whole nother level. It was just an awesome, awesome crowd. And she had some lady, some lady came up to me at the end of the show. And I had run out of DVDs. I didn't bring enough and she was all bummed out.

She goes, you know, my son was supposed to come tonight, but he's on house arrest. So I go, oh, that's too bad. I ran out of DVDs. She's like, that's all he wanted. He just wanted to meet you and get a DVD. So now my liberal side, I'm starting to feel bad. And I go, all right, well, you know, maybe you send me an email. Maybe I can send one out to him or whatever.

Right. And she goes, oh, my God, I would really appreciate that. And I went, wait a minute, wait a minute, what did he do? You know, I don't want to send it out to some fucking pedophile, some attempted racist, some guy who's stealing music online. I'm fucking with you. So I guess it turned out some 18 year old kid punched his 11 year old brother. So her son, fuck head that he is not kid.

Her son, 18 years old went over and beat the shit out of the 18 year old because he beat up his fucking 11 year old brother. And because we live in such a pussy time, because that other kid basically got his ass kicked for doing what he did. This kid ends up on house arrest. And you, can you believe that kind of a fucking country do we live in? Where the 18 year old older brother of an 11 year old who got beat up by an 18 year old can't then go over and kick the shit out of that 18 year old without sitting in his own fucking house missing a comedy show. You know? So now I have to mail him a fucking DVD.

That's another goddamn branch off a tree in the rainforest. And what did that fucking kid learn? The other kid, what did he learn? That is, because he's probably going to have a lawsuit, right? That is profitable. His way of earning income is to walk around and beat up 11 year olds who have older brothers. Oh, I tell you the hypocrisy. So anyways, I was sitting out there and I did this gig out there in Upper Darby, Philadelphia.

Doesn't that sound nice? Upper Darby, upper class, upper, we're up on a hill. We're looking down on the poor people. That's not what Philly is like in Upper Darby. It was one of the most horrific neighborhoods I've ever driven through. I've never been like, you know, I don't mind driving through the projects during the day. Because the people I see out, I'm like, all right, these are just fucking hard-working people coming home from their jobs. It's when the sun goes down, you know?

Basically, anyway you're at, when the sun goes down, that's when the fucking assholes come out. Both in the inner city and out in the suburbs. You know, there's no serial killer walking around the suburbs out in the broad daylight. He comes out at night. This is one of the few neighborhoods during the fucking day. I can't even explain, like, I don't know, go Google some pictures. Upper Darby and Philly. It's unbelievable that Americans have to fucking live this way.

Actually, my opening joke was after driving through that neighborhood, I was like, what the fuck is New Orleans bitching about? You know what they look like, these fucking houses? They look like, you know, the end of all in the family when they're going down that horrific street of houses in Queens. That's what it looked like. It looked like except they were all rusted out. I swear to God, I thought they had like 10 roofs or something. So anyways, long story short, I have a 7.30 a.m. flight the next fucking day.

Oh, by the way, the reason why I got lost going over there is because I was using my smartphone and I'm using the little map thing and I swear to God, that fucking thing. I'm going back to Maps, the Rand McNally. You know what I liked about the Rand McNally? At no point when I was looking at it, did it shut off? Did it go black? The screen went black and then I had to scroll my thumb down it while I'm still trying to continue to drive. The whole fucking thing was horrific.

I'm just, I'm completely... I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say we have enough technology. What do you guys think? Am I crazy? Like that 3D TV? Let me ask you guys this. Are you guys really gonna go out and buy those fucking things? And then there's gonna be the tipping point where more people have them than don't have them.

So then eventually, I'm not gonna be able to see shit on my regular fucking TV. 3D TV is the... Is it not fucking clear enough with the HDTV? Is it not clear enough that I can see the fucking cartilage inside the nose of the fucking newscaster? They kept saying that when I was watching the Masters of Hlares, they go, The Masters in 3D! Like I really need to be sitting there bending back like I'm watching the Matrix as the golf ball goes flying over my fucking head. You know?

Your living room, outside. Life is in 3D. Go for a fucking walk. It's a total scam. Think about it. Let me just tell you guys this. Just think about this shit. Think about all the shit on 3D.

Alright, do you want to watch this? Do you need to watch Two and a Half Men in 3D? Like, wow, I feel like I'm sitting on the couch with them. Do you need to watch the news in 3D? I'm gonna tell you right now. Sports in 3D is gonna suck. It's gonna suck. I'm gonna tell you right now.

I already think with the HDTV, it's getting to the point where it's so clear. It's like HD is like clearer than real life. I don't know. It's like a fucking acid trip. I remember one time I was watching this baseball game with this other comedian. And we were sitting there watching the game when HDTV first came out. We weren't even watching the game. He was pointing at somebody in like the third row going,

Look at that guy's shirt. Look how fucking orange his shirt is. And it was literally an orange that did not exist in real life. So what happened? Everybody bought those fucking 3D, bought the flat screen TVs. You know? Now, old people with their little square TV from the greatest generation, they gotta go out and buy a flat screen TV.

They're breaking their fucking hip as they try to put it up on top of their old fashioned radio. Where they used to listen to FD and his fireside chats. Right? They finally get the fucking thing up there. The bankers took their entire retirement. And now you cunts are gonna go out and buy 3D TVs? It's gonna fall down on their fucking old heads and that's gonna be it. Please people, please don't buy those 3D TVs.

It's a fucking scam. What's gonna happen with your old flat screen TV? What are you gonna do with that? Just gonna throw it out? It's gonna end up in the ocean? I was talking about this weekend. Are you gonna be able to walk to Europe on old flat screen fucking TVs? You don't need it is what I'm trying to tell you.

I can't remember the last time I fucking prayed that a technology was gonna bomb the way I have with those 3D fucking TVs. Alright? And I don't wanna hear any of you fucking cunts sending me emails talking about the Discovery Channel and how the fucking do from the goddamn Rainforest Frog is gonna drip off right into your fucking lap. And if you smoke some weed, man, how fucking cool that's gonna be.

And then all the frat boys who go, What about porno? What about porno and 3D? What about fucking a real girl? What about that? You know? Alright, I'm gonna give you porno. I will give you porno.

Because you know it's gonna be great. I can't wait for that fucking sex suit to come out. You know they're working on that like a full body sex suit. There's actually scientists working on that. Having mature conversations. You know? Like not snickering at all. Talking about these fucking...

As they're developing like these sex suits. Basically what it's gonna be. Do you remember that little onesie that Arthur Fonzarelli used to wear when he'd be in his garage working on some fucking 1940s rusted out hunk of shit? Remember that thing that he would wear? It's kind of dirty version of like those jumpsuits that the caddies wear. At the masters.

You know? Of course, Brittany would wear one. Roll it up and have her titties hanging out of it. And talk, you know, saying like, Oops, did I just touch your dick again? Whatever the fuck she used to sing about, right? Hey, do you know in Rolling Stone they had the top 100 artists of all time?

And Madonna was like 50 something. And I was gonna get upset, but I was just like, the pop stars can last fucking 30 years. But then I thought there was justice because they had like other famous artists writing like, you know, like Questlove would write the one for Prince. U2 would write the one for like,

you know, fucking Rolling Stones or whatever. But I thought it was really fitting that Brittany Spears wrote the one for Madonna. Although it should have been Lady Gaga. She's doing her fucking songs, right? Like fucking word for word. She's doing a mashup without, without Madonna's lyrics over the top.

Is that what the fuck she's doing anyway? So let me get back to what the fuck I was talking about here. Which I can't even remember. The fuck is wrong with my brain this week? What the fuck was I just talking about? Oh, Jesus Christ. So you know what? I'm fucking Rory, whatever the fuck his name is right,

McElroy right now. Okay, I had this whole fucking thing one. It's the final days of the Masters. And I'm just limping my way through 18 holes of this fucking podcast. This podcast right now is in between those two little bungalows. Just like Rory was on the fucking 13th

or the 15th fucking hole, whatever the hell it was. What happened to old fat tits, Phil Mickelson? I wanted him to win another one. I'll tell you, it killed me that I wasn't there with the Masters. If you ever get a fucking chance, you gotta go. I went last year. I've been to a Super Bowl, and it's never really bugged me

that I didn't go to another one. It bugged me for the first couple of years, but once the game was over and I still had two grand in my pocket, I didn't have to go to an airport and stand in line and do that horseshit again and fly home, and it's never bugged me. But this one seriously bugged me that I wasn't there. You gotta go.

Once in your life, you gotta go down to Augusta, but I gotta tell you, it's one of the shittiest fucking... It's not even in a shitty neighborhood. It's just like, you know, when they show that, when you drive up and you look at the Georgia Pines, whatever the fuck they are, when you drive up to the clubhouse, first of all, as a spectator, you're not allowed to drive up there

and you never see it. You're not allowed to walk around that side of it. That's just for the players and the members. But right outside of that, like a half a mile away is like a fucking waffle house. A Denny's. A J.C. Penney's. Just like...

Just that shit. McDonald's. Ace Hardware Store. The way they shoot that thing is, they shoot the Masters the same way they shoot like Elvis's house. Like when you look at Elvis's house, it looks like it's just, like it's in Savannah, Georgia or something.

And then you go to Elvis's house, and I swear to God, there's like an IHOP, like right next door. And I was like, yeah, that makes sense. That's why he was so fat. He could just walk down his driveway. I'm gonna go get some pigs and black it, man. And he'd just go over there, you know.

Was Elvis the first fat cokehead? You know, they talk about that, like most people who do coke, they're not a... They fucking lose weight or some shit, you know? I don't know. You know, something, he got fat too, before we really had all the preservatives in there.

He was just fat on some... What the fuck was he eating? Peanut butter and fucking banana fried sandwiches on his fucking jet? Splitting his jumpsuits. Oh, another jumpsuit. Bringing it back around again. That's exactly what those caddies got those jumpsuits.

All they're missing is the cape, and they could come down on one knee. That's what they should do, come down on one knee, holding out the cape as somebody fucking putts for the Masters. That would add some excitement, wouldn't it? All right, let's get back to Philly.

So anyway, I got a 7.30 a.m. flight. All right, so I'm thinking, all right, that means I got to get up and fucking 5.30, return the rent a car, and all that horseshit. Why don't I stay at a hotel, right next to the airport? So, my travel agent gives me

the whole list of options of where I can stay, so I'm like, yeah, fine, fuck it, all right? I check them out, and one of them is the Sheridan. Sheridan, respected name. A very quality hotel. I say, I'm going to stay there,

and the price reflected that it was a quality hotel. It cost me like, oh, you know, 180 bucks or something like that. It was a lot of fucking money. So, 199, something like that. You know, for Philly, that's a lot of fucking money,

considering I was right outside Upper Darby. So anyways, here's my travel tip for you. Do not ever stay at the fucking Sheridan, at the Philadelphia International Airport. It is a beyond ghetto Sheridan. And it's so fucking ghetto that I knew it was a fucked up Sheridan before I even went into it.

I pulled up, and it looked fine. I got on my car, it looked fine. And as I walked into the place, as I was walking in, these four chicks were coming out, and they just looked like whores from a reality show. Awful tattoos on their feet,

titties up and pushed together. These cheap ass looking stripper shoes, and I went out, no. Oh, no, not a bad hotel. Please, God. Please, I started praying to the travel gods. Please, please don't let this be a bad hotel. You know?

I'm like, what? But, you know, at first I was like, all right, what are these? Like, call girls? Did they just get done servicing some fucking married business guy on the road? Is that what they did? But it was like 12 noon.

It's like, no, no call girls are up at 12 noon. All right? They already wiped fucking washed off the vaginas, and hosed them down at like 8 in the morning. And now they just fell asleep, face down in a fucking pile of glitter. And they're not going to wake up again until like 5 in the afternoon.

That's how it works. And they wake up, they fucking, you know, I don't know what they do. You know, they put some fucking vitamin E on the ligature marks around their neck from the night before. Do you know what's fucked up about ligature? Nobody ever uses that statement

unless somebody got choked to death. You know, ligature marks. No one does never any ligature marks, because you know why? Because these girls who are into that type of shit, if they survive the encounter, they fucking, they wear that little, that little ascot the next day around their neck,

you know, the hoary one, a choker. That's what they wear to cover it up. You ever have a girl want you to do that? Want you to choke her? I mean, one time I was with this girl, right? And she, she, all this type of shit. She wanted me to slap her in the face and all this, all this crazy shit

that, that all these fucking women shows, they never address, they never address the amount of fucking women that like that they like it rough. It's fucking insane. Unless I just keep picking the same kinds of fucking women, but it's ridiculous. The amount of fucking bras that I've gone out with,

you know, fucking women's lips, fucking blah, blah, blah. My career comes first. If we get married, I'm not taking your last name. Yada, yada, fucking yada. Right? Then you get them in, you know, the fucking all pro women, this pro women, that, and I'm making my own money and fucking, you know,

I'm making a couple other fucking lyrics from some stupid Beyonce song, right? All that fucking horseshit. You're gonna respect me, eyeball to eyeball, the images of women on TV, all that fucking horseshit. And then you get them back to your place and lo and behold, they have a rape fantasy.

You know? Am I the only guy? Am I the only fucking guy? So anyway, so I was seeing this fucking broad, right? And she's going to fucking college. She's getting her MBA and all that type of shit. So this is the first girl she ever asked me she told me that she wanted me to choke her.

And I was like, no, I'm not doing that. And she's like, why not? And I said, well, because I'm not fucking gonna call the cops. Like, how am I gonna talk my way out of that if you fucking pass out? And I got my fingerprints around your goddamn neck and your naked body.

I mean, that just sounds like one of those fucking things from me. Even if you come around, I'm gonna have some sort of fucking assault charge. And then you're gonna feel guilty because everybody's gonna know because the cops are there. So then you're just gonna be like, yeah, I didn't want him to do it. So you can somehow skip away with your fucking integrity.

I'm not doing it. Of course I did. Of course I did eventually. But there's a technique I can't explain. You gotta make sure you're up a little higher and underneath and you gotta do it and then not be doing it. Do it and then not do it. Don't just fucking grab it.

You don't grab that next fucking David Tyree and the helmet catch. You don't wanna do that because you gotta choke him out. Unless you're really good at CP. I kinda fucked it. I ended up talking about that shit. That's a really...

You know something? I'm gonna talk about that in my act. Jesus, that'll bring the psychos out. I'm gonna talk about that in my act. You just heard a fucking preview of a joke. I really wanna bring that up. The amount of fucking women. They got that thing, right?

They're all independent and that type of thing. Then you get them in the bedroom. It's not like they want you to kick the shit out of them. But they got that fucking line. They wanna feel the man's power but still feel safe. Overpower me but do it in a nice way. But not nice.

But nice? Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean, you filthy fucking whore. All right, I have to get off this subject. This is just gonna get too freaky to be talking about this by myself. This is the Choke I'm Out podcast, everybody. So anyway, I see these fucking... Just these whores.

Father didn't stick around. George Foreman grill eating fucking... Just never had a chance. Four girls just coming out. Just never had a fucking chance. Now, just dressed like fucking truck stock fucking whores and the sad thing is they think they look good and they don't even realize the vibe that they're putting out.

They don't know any better. They don't fucking know any better. All right, there was a rusted out car in their front yard the day they were born and they never had a fucking chance. You know, the only fucking male voice that was in their household when they were growing up was the Billy Bass that their fucking dad left behind. You know what I mean?

They just never had a fucking chance. So that was my first red flag and I was going, God, maybe they used some sky miles. Is that how they got in here? And I just walked in, the second I walked in, I could just tell the caliber of human being that was in there. Straight across the board here. All right?

The caliber of white person, the caliber of black person, the caliber of fucking male, female. You just can tell. You know what I mean? Saw some black dude, you know, when they get their hair braided but they don't have enough money to fucking get it braided enough so they got all those little hairs sticking out of it, you know? So you can't see the scalp in between the braids, you know?

It's not looking fucking right. It's just not looking right. The fucking white dude with the cheap Anderson little suit, the fucking creased up brown loafers with this gold LeMay horseshit on the front of it. You know, shoes look like they cost 11 bucks and I'm just going, oh no. Oh God, at least let the fucking room be clean, you know?

So I check in, the lady behind the counter, she was nice enough. You know? I don't know how she ended up at this fucking Sheridan. Maybe she stepped out of line at the big stockholders meeting. This is their Sheridan Siberia. So then I go up to my room and it's weird. It had like one of the, it almost looked like a little house. You come walking in, there's a door and right next to it there's this big window for some stupid fucking reason.

If I want to overlook half the elevators and the fucking poor excuse for a pool that they had. So the blinds were down, alright? So I open it up and it's just sweet. I'm like, nice. It was a nice room. It wasn't bad at all. So I'm in there for like five fucking minutes

and I hear this knock on the door, right? The guy fucking knocks on the door. It was covered in foam. So that's what it sounded like. And I open the door and there's a guy standing there with this giant coffee table and he goes, and he's trying to walk in with this giant coffee table. I'm like, whoa, whoa, I got, you got the wrong room. I didn't order a table.

He goes, no, no, this table is, your room's missing a table. I'm like, it is. And he goes, yeah, yeah, the last people who were here broke the other table. I was like, Jesus Christ, what, they have like a party or something? And he went, yeah. I thought he was going to say, no, he went like, yeah. And I go, well, did they fucking fumigate the place? Now I think everything's been jizzed on.

I'm, you know, I'm laying in fucking angel dust and cocaine and shit, you know? He keeps getting worse. Then I'm sitting there for another couple of minutes and then I just hear this lady telling this story, right? And I'm like, is that at least, is it at least a guest? Is it at least a guest? And I fucking open the blinds to my window and she's one of the people cleaning the rooms. Just cursing up a fucking storm.

Loud as fucking hell. Like all broke people. All the loudest fucking people. Because they live near the freeways. They live near the subway. They used to shout and over shit. So she's out there, this motherfucker trying to tell me what time it is, baby. Right.

And just scream it. And you know how much I curse. Okay. I was offended and you know how much I curse. I was just like, Jesus Christ, can you please, I might have kids someday. Can you please stop cursing like that? But I didn't say shit. Because I mean, at that point, I knew what was going to happen.

I would have been like, I just would have been like, excuse me, could you be favorite, could you just not... Motherfucker, why don't you mind your own business? Ain't nobody talking to you, baby. Right. I didn't want to go through that whole fucking thing and her screaming at me. Plus she was so fucking big, she probably could have just choked, slammed me. And we would have had to have a new fucking table in my room. Third fucking table that week.

And I'm a conservationist. Is that the right word? So I'm like, all right, fuck it, whatever. So I don't say shit. So then I go out to go do my show. And of course, I'm using my stupid smart phone. I get lost. I'm driving through Upper Darby and it's just like, you know, fucking the white guy driving through there looking down at his phone.

Yeah, I can't see it. Can't see it to see where I am. You know, I did everything but roll down the window. Excuse me, hustlers, could you just stop hustling for a second? I'm just wondering if you could direct me in the direction of this theater that I'm performing in tonight. You know, horrific. So I was so fucking mad. I really got to get my temper together.

I was so fucking mad. I could feel myself when my screen every time I had to go to make a turn. I'm looking down at my map and the fucking phone would go black, you know, to save the battery. And it was always when I needed to make a decision that I would miss a turn. And I got to the point, I was squeezing my phone and I knew what I was going to take it. And I was just going to smash it down on the, whatever you call that, the fucking thing that you did. Not a gear shifter. I guess it is gear.

The thing you put it in gear. It's not a stick shift. You know what the fuck I'm saying. I was just going to smash the screen on that. And I knew that I had my temper and control enough that I knew I couldn't do that shit. So what I did was I just started screaming over and over again, fuck you at my phone. I was yelling fuck you at my, in my car yelling fuck you with a phone. That's why my voice is all scratchy right now.

Not because I had, I screamed for two shows is because I was screaming at my cell phone. So anyways, I finally ended up getting there. I ended up doing the show. It's fucking phenomenal. And whenever, whenever I do a show at a place like that, you know, there's always some guy who's been working the theater for like 20, 30 years. And I always walk up to the guy and go, you don't have to say any names. Just tell me some stories.

And this guy was telling stories about, you know, hanging out with Motley crew back during the hair metal days and going out to strip clubs. And he said he was there when guns and roses came through on the appetite for destruction tour. He said afterwards he was standing in their tour bus and they're looking out their windshield at a sea of groupies. And at one point, one member, I'm not going to name names, looked out and said, what's up with those two? And the guy said, oh, that, that's actually, believe it or not, though those aren't sisters. That's a mother and a daughter.

And I guess they were really hot. And the dude was like, oh yeah, bring them on the bus. Dude, in my next life, I want to be a fucking musician. Just to have the opportunity to have that level of groupie. Oh, just fucking unreal. So anyway, so I drove to Abu Dhabi. It was just unbelievably depressing that people have to live that way. Fellow Americans have to live that way.

And that we're always sitting here fucking acting like we give a shit about other countries and we need to help out. We don't. All right. Well, we, I mean, you give a shit or I give a shit, but our government doesn't. We're warming our way in there to help them out air quotes so we can take their natural resources. All right. That's how it is.

That's what the fuck is really going on. If you ever wondered why. All right. They don't give a fuck about upper Darby, New Orleans or whatever fucking all those blue Carla towns that are failing out there in Ohio. They don't give a shit about them because they already own them. So if there's any oil to be had, they can just go in and suck it out of the ground. Fucking sense.

So anyway, so I go back to my ghetto ass fucking Sheridan. All right. I come walking in there and at this point it's one in the morning. Now, if it was one in the morning and I was at a nice hotel, that'd be the usual thing. There would be some people hanging down at the bar, you know, drinking, getting ready to cheat on their spouses. Dress nicely though. All right.

But because it was a ghetto fucking Sheridan, I went down there and most of the people in the lobby were children running around screaming one in the morning kids just running around. I felt like I was in fucking Atlantic City, you know, those gamblers to generate gamblers. They don't fucking handle their kids. Right. Right. So just to see a fucking children. I mean, I was waiting for fucking, you know, the only thing was missing was somebody there,

you know, gathering them. You could, you could have had a children's choir. That's how many fucking kids were there. So I go up the elevator and I, and I get out, get out of the elevator and I walk back up to my little, you know, I told you the front of the room looked like a house and there was a door and then there's the window. And as I'm looking, I'm at the doors, I'm looking down to take out my hotel key. I look down and on the windowsill is a three quarter eating chicken wing sitting on the

fucking windowsill. I got pictures to prove it. They're all going to be up on the MMPodcast.com. Whatever the fuck it is. Is that the name of the website? I don't know the name of the fucking website. The hell's wrong with me? Yeah.

The MMPodcast.com. If you go up there, I'll have all these pictures, the pictures of the Tower Theater and all that. I didn't take any pictures when I was driving through Upper Darby for obvious fucking reasons. I didn't want to be, you know, I just, I would not want to be taking pictures down there because people either think you're a cop or you're just documenting their level of poverty, which would be fucking annoying to me if I was in that situation. So anyways, with that, that was my, oh, and then the next morning I woke up and I dropped my car off at budget.

It was fucking hilarious. One of these hilarious racial moments here is I go to get on the bus. The bus driver's black. Five white guys get on it. He asks us where we're going. I got USA air. This guy says this. So we're driving in that and he's listening to this preacher because it's Sunday morning

and the guy, you know, he's talking about, you know, people need to be into Jesus and blah, blah, blah. All this, you know, regular Jesus shit, right? But then all of a sudden he starts talking about Obama and around. He just starts kind of trashing white people just going, we should be given thanks to Jesus. That a strong black man is president and he's not afraid to stand up to the white supremacist that we run in this country. And he's got it cranked. And I'm sitting there fucking and all I did, it's just because I wanted to have the laugh.

I just turned around and looked at all the other four white guys and then everybody's just sort of sitting down looking at their wingtips like, really? What exactly is the call here? Can we say something? You know, excuse me, we're not all white supremacists. You know, like what exactly is the proper response to that because I thought it was, I don't know, I actually thought it was fucking hilarious. I wish I could remember what the guy was saying.

Ah, Jesus, now I'm fucking bombing again on this fucking podcast. All right, let's get through the rest of the, what do I got to do? What do I got to do some? Oh, hey, wait a minute. Fucking NHL playoffs are coming up, everybody. Are you excited? Are you like me? Are you fucking hockey?

Bruins Canadians once again? We're playing those fucking cunts up there with all their championships. Do you know the more I read about the history of the NHL, the less impressed with the Montreal Canadians I am? I mean, I used to kind of give them shit because I'm like, dude, you dominated a six team league and they didn't even dominate the six team league. It's like them and Toronto. Montreal and Toronto basically had the same amount of cups right through the early 60s. Montreal was ahead, but not by much.

And then I found out later that the Canadian teams had, but no, I couldn't give them shit because the Bruins were there too. So it's like, well, why didn't you guys do it? And I found out one of the main fucking reasons is the way the league was set up. Any French-born Canadian player, the Canadian teams had first dibs on those guys. That's why they got all the fucking great guys. So it was like Toronto and Montreal were just like the Yankees and Red Sox fucking buying up everything. I don't respect them. I don't respect those championships.

What do you think about that, Montreal? And that would happen. All of a sudden you didn't have first fucking choice, right? And now look, now you don't go on a run anymore. You want it in 93, you want it in 86, and that's it. And don't even talk to me about the 70s. Okay, I don't even fucking hear it because that was still the fallout of the old system. And you had to give those expansion six teams a chance to get on their feet.

And once they did, that was the end of you guys. So I'm not fucking impressed. So fuck you and all your fucking cups. Here come the Bruins, and you know what? Keep your fucking head up or we're going to slam you into that turnbuckle, whatever the fuck they call it again. That son of a bitch up there faking his fuck. It's the worst concussion ever. Three days later, he's at the movies.

He's at the movies. All right, I'm just fucking with you. Okay, Bruins Canadian is going to be an awesome series, and Carrie Price is playing great. So it should be phenomenal. I don't think the Bruins are going to win the Stanley Cup. I just don't think we have enough guys. And I just think that despite the fact that we have two great goaltenders, I just think that there's a lot of goaltenders playing great.

Carrie Price is playing great. Patrick Lundquist is playing tremendous. Who else? Who else is playing good out there? Oh, you got what's his face up there? But I can't ever remember the fucking names. Who plays? Who plays goalie up there? In Buffalo. Is it Bill Murray?

Is that what his name is? We call him Bill Murray. Bill Murray, and then you got fucking Roberto Luongo and his cousin, Theo Fleury's third cousin who plays out there in fucking Pittsburgh. I'm the worst. Whenever I have to remember a name, I can't remember a fucking name. So whatever, I think it's going to be great. I just don't see it.

I think I will be really happy if we can actually make it to the Eastern Conference Finals. You know? That's my thing. You know what? Hey, I'm beaten down as a fan. As long as we don't go up three games to none and then lose four in a row again, I'm going to consider this year a victory. But I do not on any level want to lose to the hated fucking Habs.

And I'm fucking with you about your cups, but not really. Okay, let's get on to advice this week, everybody. All right. Hey Bill, I always feel like you give great advice. Well, thank you. So I thought maybe you could give me some on this situation. I was in a local shop a few weeks ago and there was a little hottie working there. I had seen her there once before.

Both times she really caught my attention. I had the urge to ask her out while I was there, but I was too busy being a fag. And I did not say anything to her other than some idle nonsense about sunglasses I was looking at. That's the worst. The little bit we did talk though, she seemed really cool and really nice. My advice is how can slash should I ask her out without looking like coming off like a creeper or a douchebag. I'm a good looking guy. Have a great career as an attorney, but when it comes to ladies, I can be shy sometimes.

See, that's a very strong thing that you're able to admit that. But every guy just went, oh, I wasn't mad at you fucking fag. Go up and say something to her. That's how guys handle it. We just beat it out of each other. Okay. We said what I'm trying to work on. He says every once in a while you see a girl that blows you away and this time I wanted to do something about it.

All right. All right, dude, this is what you got to do. You got to work on your self-esteem. Okay. You know you're a good looking guy and you have a great career. Believe it or not, that's game set and match. Do you know the amount of fucking not even good looking guys who have a shit job and they're just scumbags, but they're assholes who are out there fucking crushing it every goddamn weekend because just have the balls to walk up and talk to these women.

You know, this is what you got to do. You actually know what you got to do. You said you can be shy sometimes, but you're saying you're working on it. So there you go. Just keep going. Look, dude, if you're a good looking guy and you're a fucking attorney, he actually said something here. I'm hoping to see you at Caroline's in May.

If my dickhead friends can get this shit together. If they can't, maybe with your stellar advice, I can even bring this hottie to the show. Why don't you just do that? Go in there, make a laugh, joke around with her or anything and just fucking lay it on the line. Listen, I'm really attracted to you. I think you're beautiful. Whatever the fuck you want to say it. And just say, you know, I think it's always good if you have somewhere that you're going.

Just say I'm going to this comedy show. I love, you know, I'm really into this stand-up comedian. I have an extra ticket. Would you like to go to women like going to stuff? You know, it gives them excuse to get dressed up. It gives them excuse to not feel fucking guilty when they're blowing you later because they actually went to some sort of ball or some shit, you know. God, even with advice, I'm awful this week, but the essence of it is there. All right, you already talked to her.

Just go in there again. You're not going to come off like a creep. I actually think that it's easier to pick somebody up and get that number, at least back in the day. I have no game left anymore because I've been in a relationship too long, but I always found that it was easier for me to get a girl's phone number at the fucking gym. Gym's a little bit harder, but like, I used to do it on, I used to get it on the subway. Oddly enough, I had a better chance there than I did in some meat market bar because I was never good when females had their guards up. When they knew what play I was running, some guys can do that. They're like the old Packers.

Like everybody knew the Packers sweep was coming and they, Forest Greg still fucking ran over you. And some guys are like that. Even when women know they got their fucking guard up and they know what the fuck they're doing, they can still plow through it. They run over. The guys just run right over those girls like Forest Greg. Next thing you know, they're laying on their backs with their legs up in the air and they get the dick. I was never that guy. I was, I snuck up on you.

I waited for something stupid to happen that I could comment on and then I get the girl laughing and then when her fucking defenses were down, I'd wrestle her cell phone out from her fingers. No, I would have. I'd somehow get her number. So what I would do is I would just go in there and I'll just keep re-explaining this 20 fucking times. Dude, get tickets to my show. Right? Look at me.

I'll make a little money out of this advice. So now you got somewhere that you're going to take her. Take her out, you know, a little dinner. You ski a comedy show. She's already fucking laughing halfway through my act. You do the ol' you laughing your ass off. Don't try to put your arm around her shoulder. That's old school, right?

You put it right on her fucking thigh. You know, and then you sort of start creeping up there with your fingers, you know, like you're sort of thinking about something, going pinky, ring, middle, index. You just sort of work your way up like an inchworm. The next thing you know, if your fingers are nimble enough, you know, you stretch out your pinky and it's kind of rubbing right on her click there. And then you're getting made fun of me because you guys are fucking walking out during my closing bit to go bang at the fucking W around the corner. Dude, it's right there. It's a layup.

It's a fucking layup. All right. Next one. Hey Bill, huge fan of the podcast and all your stand up and have made all my friends, big fans of yours as well. I really enjoy the relationship advice. All right. People actually are starting to address the fact that I've never been married. Why am I taking your fucking advice?

Here's my situation. I'm 29 recently graduated from medical school after a good number of years honing my boning skills in the free market. I'm ready to calm down and have a serious girlfriend. Ironically, the girl that I'm dating and wanting to get serious with was actually my college girlfriend and first love. We dated throughout college but broke up before attending different medical schools. During our years together, I cheated a lot. But to my knowledge, never got caught. A big part of the reason I was so promiscuous besides being your typical piece of shit cocky asshole guy full of testosterone was because she was very sexually inhibited.

No blowjobs. The routine, conventional positions, sex about once every other day and that just wasn't cutting it for me. Now in every other category, she was amazing. Fun to hang out with but still ladylike, caring, respectable, educated, fashionable and extremely beautiful. So like I said before, we broke up for about five years and are back dating again. And the sex is exactly the same. Now while I'm grateful that some guy didn't completely smutter out during our breakup, I did expect some sort of sexual maturation. Blowjobs remain few and far between and pretty sub par even for a black chick.

This guy's black by the way before you think this is something fucked up. What makes it even more difficult this time around is after banging my fair share of broads in our off season, my sexual prowess has grown significantly. It's hard because I really want to be faithful this time around and take the relationship more seriously but I fear I'm not going to be sexually satisfied. My greatest fear is ending up like one of my father's friends who I always hear complaining about how shitty their sex lives have become after marriage. How I should have had all my fun now and blah blah blah, stereotypical castrated married man background noise. Fuck that extra sad shit. I'm not getting married unless I know my wife is going to be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.

How do you like that old African American mantra? My question is how serious should I take this problem? Should I be patient and hope that I can liberate her sexually or should I bail and keep searching for a godfaring dinner cooking super freak? If you don't mind asking, oh if you don't mind asking Nia as well, I'd like to hear what the sister has to say. Oh shit, I should have read that to her. By the way, I'm also black so when you get to is it racist, racist, racist? No, I'm allowed to say sisters. Alright, you know what, I really wish I read that part of what I had her in here but she's not around today.

What should you do? Alright, number one, don't cheat on her. What you should do is you should communicate this to her. Obviously not the way you just said it to me. Oh Jesus, this is tough. I'd have to ask you some questions. Let me ask you this. Do you feel she has the potential?

That would be my number one thing. Alright, this is how I would do it. Alright, fuck this. Now I'm back on track. This is what I would do. First thing I would do is I would see if she has the potential. Alright, if she's a good kisser, if she has a good touch, if when you're banging her, you don't feel like you're fucking riding in the back of a delivery truck. The rhythm's there.

She has the basic tools. Alright? Because some people, they just don't. They're not blessed with the touch. They're not good kissers. And a lot of females, not a lot, but enough are. That's another thing they never bring up. They always talk about how guys don't know shit in bed and you just blah blah blah blah.

But there's a lot of women out there who, they don't know shit either. Not saying they're bad or whatever, but some of them just are just never going to be good. So if you feel she has the potential, then there's hope. So what you have to do is you have to basically, what I used to tell my friends, we used to joke around, just say, you got to tap into her inner whore. Alright? And there's a couple of ways to do it. One of them, and it's very delicate, dude. It's like one of those fucking action movies where you're sitting there trying to clip the right fucking wire as it's, you know, eight seconds left.

There's a couple of ways you go about it. One of the ways is, well first of all, there's a couple of rules. One, as she's trying to open up with you sexually or whatever, don't ever judge anything that she wants to do or try and don't ever make fun of anything that she said in bed. If she says some dumb shit, which she's probably going to say, because you sound like you're way more experienced, if she's trying to talk dirty for the first fucking time, and she says some dumb shit, do not laugh. Simply turn her around in doggy style, and then you get your laugh out. Alright? You got to do the quiet, but don't ever do that. That is, like, someone is never more vulnerable than in that, especially a female.

You can't do that. And then what I would do is I would just basically figure out what she's into. Try to figure out what some of her fantasies are. Alright? So that's how I would start it. Find out what some of her fantasies are, and you start getting her down that road. And then as you're going down that road, and you're not judging her, and you're not making fun of anything, you're just supportive as she goes down that fucking road, then she'll gain confidence, and then hopefully that'll happen.

And one of the ways to kind of lead her down the road is try to tell her some of the shit that you're into that you've never done with her. Now don't go all the way down to the road, you know, your five years of fucking horrific shit you did. Just always be a couple of paces out in front of whatever sexual shit that she admitted that she wanted to do. So that way her shit doesn't seem as freaky, because it's a couple of steps behind you, but you don't completely freak her the fuck out by, you know, talking about some German porn shit. Alright? So that's what I would do. Alright?

And that's what I have been doing throughout the years. Nia! Look who just walked in. Somebody actually asked your advice, because you were working out. Do you want to do this? Sure. Okay. Alright.

You know what? We actually have to be over here. Let me ask you this shit real quickly. I'll give you the basic overview. Alright. There was a guy, right? He sees this girl. They like each other.

The college sweethearts. Everything about her was great. They have fun. Nia's a little under the weather here. Alright? Her fucking allergies are kicking up. Let me hear your voice. Say hello.

Hello. Okay. And you worked out. What a fucking trooper. Alright. Real quick. Yeah. So, everything.

Hanging out. They laughed at each other's jokes. The whole shit was perfect. But then they went to different medical schools. Alright? So they broke up for a while. And during the, you know, the five years. And I guess this guy cheated a lot when he was with her.

And now five years have gone by. He got his freak out. If you saw the look of disgust on her face. He did all this shit. So now he's back together with her. Alright? And he was kind of hoping, like his sex was kind of lame, like when he was with her. Missionary position.

Very like, if you were going to make like a high school video on how to have sex. The male takes out his penis when aroused. Like they were having that kind of sex. And no blowjobs whatsoever. So now he's gotten back together with her. He wants to be serious. He's gotten all his, hopefully all his bullshit out. And now he's back with her.

And the sex is basically the same. Now there's a couple of blowjobs. He's wondering, how does he get her to tap into her inner whore? Should he pursue, should he pursue this relationship? Like, okay, how does a guy do that? Like, I said basically how I do it. Oh, she's already just saying give me the mic. Alright, go ahead.

Well, first of all, just because you enjoy sex in different ways doesn't make you a whore. So she doesn't have to tap into her inner whore. Just more freedom sexually. Has he tried to talk to her? You don't need to clarify it. Okay, I'm not saying she's a whore. We understand this. Okay.

Well, I felt the need to clarify. Did he try to have... You want to put your fist in the air for women? Yes, I do. Did he try to talk to her about this before? And she just ignored it? I don't think he's talked to her about it yet. That's the first step.

Is that he's got to talk to her? That's what I said. Look at that. Why don't we switch it up a little bit? I wonder why she didn't give him blowjobs. Maybe she just doesn't like giving blowjobs. Maybe she doesn't know how, but it could be fun to explore together. So he should...

Yeah, he should ask her about it. Okay, so that's basically what I said. Yeah. You know what's the worst is when women say they can't do it because they have TMJ. And it's like... That just means they don't like to do it. Some people don't like to do it, you know? It's not that great for the other person, but it's like some people don't like it.

Some guys don't like to go down on girls. Some girls don't like to go down on guys. It's just a preference. Okay. All right, so you basically said what I said. I thought you were going to come in here with some sort of... Do I agree with you? Yeah.

Does that make you feel bad? No, but I just... Yeah, I thought I would be coming at it in a different, more rational, sensitive way. But you said the same thing, huh? Yeah, but not as sensitively. I said all the whore shit. Yeah. You know?

All right, Nia. I don't know what. I thought that it was going to continue. No, I don't mean it like that. I just said it in a mean way. Come here. Come over here. I'm going to hug.

I'm coming towards the end of the podcast. All right? All right. There you go. Now get out of here because you've been more than helpful. All right? She just gave me the finger. Now, you know what it is, Nia?

Whenever you're on the podcast and then the podcast segment ends, I don't know how to smoothly transition you out of here because we don't go to commercial. Why don't I just go, ladies and gentlemen, Nia. Nia, everybody. Just say thanks so much. Thank you so much, Nia. See you next time. See you next time.

You were great. And now what the fuck just happened to my... I hate computers. It just signed me off and I was on a nice little fucking roll here. And now I can't get back into my fucking... How is this easier, people? I want people to... Now I have to go into my fucking...

My stupid Apple works. All right. Here I am. Fucking... All right. There's one more of these and that's going to be the podcast for this week. All right. Hey, Bill, I need an outside perspective.

My wife left me a year and a half ago to go blow college guys and spend her newly raised salary on clothes and purses. Not kidding. That's what she did. After nine years and two kids, I found out that she had two short affairs after each kid was born, then left me with our five month old baby. And two year old, I had been raising without her anyways. Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. A year later, she finally started trying to share custody. She didn't have her half of daycare. Sorry, people. Every once in a while, I go back to my bad reading habits. Let me just take a breath here. Step back. Focus.

All right. A year later, she finally started trying to share custody. Okay. So after she's gone out, she left him with two kids to go blow college guys. And spend all her money she just got on her newly hired salary. A year later, she finally started trying to share custody. She didn't have her half of daycare bill for a few months, even though she doubles my income. So I told her she could pay me back.

Now the cunt gets her tax return and tells me to fuck off. She's not repaying me. She's going to get a card to replace the one she totaled in a DUI. Jesus. Where did you meet this winner? I'm pissed off and can't blast her in the jaw. So what do I do? I'm thinking of hiring a crackhead to spray paint deadbeat on her fucking car.

From one asshole to another. Thanks, Bill. The podcast and all three CDs have helped me through a lot of tough shit by laughing off the retarded shit that this cunt does. All right, dude. Yeah, you picked a winner here. This is one of these ones that you should ask Dr. Drew about who's amazing. He would hit his half court shot and tell you exactly what's going on.

There's something going on with her where she has affairs right after she has kids. I don't know what that is, but that's triggering something inside of her. I don't know if she gets freaked out with the level of responsibility. And she wants to, I don't know, do a bunch, get, go sew her oats in a female fucking way. Feeling like, I don't know. You know, sometimes women have babies and then they have that postpartum depression. She has some sort of postpartum like, you know, hedonism that she just goes out and just turns into the fuckfest 2011. So what you have there, dude, you have damaged goods.

There's no way you can ever fucking trust her again. You got two kids, so don't do anything to her. All right. This is like in sports where when somebody comes up and slashes you, the ref never sees it. But when you retaliate, you always end up getting the fucking five minute major. This is what's going to happen. She's going to do all this dumb shit. You're going to hire people to do stuff.

I know you're not going to literally do that, but you're going to try to exact some sort of revenge. And I don't know, the decent person always seems to get caught. So I would avoid doing that. This is how you get your revenge is I would just focus on being a great dad for those two kids. And all honestly, I know that's a ton of work and it's easy for me to say when I don't have any kids and I never ever bad mouth their mother to them. Never do that. You know, have a buddy of yours where you can just vent and just talk about what a country is as you're punching the bar. But never do it in front of your kids because that's still their mother.

Eventually they'll figure out what an irresponsible whore she is. And it's going to be that's going to be your great payback is in that moment. Not only are they going to realize what an irresponsible whore their mother is, is they're going to realize what a great dad they have and which is obviously going to be priceless. And in the meantime, I would ask myself, is if this lady, if this is the kind of part, have you met a girl like this a number of times? Is it just bad luck or do like every woman, every woman that you've dated is like this? Because if that is the case, there's something about these kinds of women that you're attracted to. And as I use that analogy, you keep fishing in the same poison pond. I think because you've got two kids, you want to go out and go meet a winner?

Go out, do that shit where you're going to meet a decent girl. Go out, go take a cooking class. I just gave Nia for her birthday, fucking almost a goddamn year ago. She finally got around to a couple of gourmet cooking classes and she went there and it's kind of like a little scene. You know, people bring wine in, you're cooking, there's all that fucking people that taste and shit, all the senses are going. The pussy's getting wet in the room, you go in there, you fucking knock a couple out or whatever. Join a softball league, I don't know what. Although there's a lot of boozing with softball.

You know, probably going to get some bloated whore there, you might want to stay away from that. Maybe that's where you go to vent about what a fucking whore your wife is. But dude, you know what, you're a great fucking guy, you're doing the right thing, you're sticking with your kids. And you're even supporting her even though she's making more fucking money. She's a loser, alright? She's a fucking loser and she's out of your life. And your kids will be 18 one day and then this bitch will be out of your life. So who gives a fuck, alright? In the meantime, yeah, focus on being a good dad.

Get yourself in great shape, I don't know, find some fucking way to do something social. Go meet a great woman, I can't say there's plenty of great women out there, it's just like guys. They're out there. Go find one and just ask them during the day. Just be like, by the way, are you an irresponsible whore? Because I really just got out of a relationship with an irresponsible whore and I'm not trying to do that. And talk about cheating. Ask if they ever cheated on somebody. Here's another great question to ask. Ask if their parents are still together.

That's a great one to ask. The parents are still together. If they get along with their parents, they come from a strong background. That's a good one to ask. That's a good place to start off. And that's it, I'm done trying to be Dr. Bill here for the week. Hour and six minute podcast. Once again, I'm going to be down at the Catalina Jazz Club, doing a benefit. For all those people out there in Japan, fellow human beings who also live on a fault line, just like I do.

So hopefully somebody out there will do a fucking comedy show for when LA falls into the fucking ocean. So I'm paying it forward. Alright, so come on down. All the proceeds will go out to help the victims of that. Catalina Jazz Club down on Sunset Boulevard. I just tweeted about it at billbird.com. I think that's it. We got all the YouTube videos. I didn't get a chance to describe the YouTube videos this week, but they're fucking hilarious. Some guy has a potato gun that he shoots a bunch of pubes onto a passed out guy.

That's one of them. And it just goes from there. So go to the M.M. podcast to watch all that. If you want to see the pictures of the Tower Theater and me working with Joe DeRosa. The Teen Idol sensation from the Open Anthony program. I have all of those and I have a picture of that fucking chicken wing sitting on my window sill just in case you think I was making it up. That's it. Everybody have a great week. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week. Oh wait, don't hang up. Don't hang up. I almost forgot. I told you that I was going to bring in the the outtake from my failed attempt at the podcast last week.

This is like a special track. Remember that back in the day when you'd buy like a CD and they'd say there'd be like 15 songs, but it would say 16 tracks. And they would just let the tape run and run and run and run. And then you'd find the that little gem at the end. I think this is this is the podcast version because I already signed off. Alright, just to set this up. This was me last night after getting like four hours sleep flying across this country and then watching the Masters. And I'm trying to tell that Sheridan story and up until this point, it just had not been funny. And I think I'm at the part of the story where the guy was bringing the new table to replace the broken table in.

And I was trying to explain it in a funny way. It wasn't funny and I just I just fucking tapped out and this is the clip. Hope you enjoyed. I'll talk to you next week. I was like Jesus Christ, then I heard an argument between a man and a woman as I was walking back downstairs. And later on that night when I came back from my gig, there was a fucking half eaten chicken wing sitting on the windowsill of my room. I got a picture of it. You know, I actually you know something when I knew something was up when I went to check into my room. There was a knock at my door five seconds later and the guy goes, oh, hey, he's got this big table.

I'm like, dude, you got the wrong room. I didn't order a table. He said, no, no, no, he said, this this table belongs in your room. He goes, somebody broke it here last night. I was like, Jesus, what was their party here or something? He was like, yeah. I go, well, did you fumigate the place? Or is it just all jizz and coke residue in here? And he just laughed shook his head and left.

And that's when my ass knew I was in a ghetto ass mother fucking Sheridan baby. This podcast sucks. Yeah.