Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-12-18

Episode Date: April 12, 2018

Bill rambles about toupees, clean living and baseball fights.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on Jesus hey what's going on what the fuck was that this is Bill Byrd

and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on ya just checking in on ya sorry just woke up I'm had a frog in my throat oh Billy no vice William without 12 days in here no booze no cigars although you wouldn't know what that frog is had in my throat no nothing ah he's being a fuck Billy Angel I'm gonna open for Chris Angel out there and fucking Vegas I'm gonna sit there and just wag my finger at everybody in the crowd tell them how they live in a life of vice I got to tell you people when you find Christ I got the mornings the mornings are the best when you lived a vice free life the night before you wake up it's amazing the birds

are singing a little louder there's a few more nooks and crannies in your fucking English muffin you should sit there watching the melting into it yeah I you know the mornings are great I'm bored out of my fucking mind at night out of my mind bored anyways let's let's but you know here's one for sobriety now one of those fucking poor bastards at AA just sit there chowing donuts smoking cigarettes they need something they got they're trying to get a buzz nicotine sugar something to break up the fucking monotony yeah let me get a fucking two glazed a fucking jelly donut just shoving it down their piehole that's the worst thing about opening Pandora's box because once you fucking do that

then you just know how much fun you could be having you know is just sitting around playing Phantan or something like that drinking a goddamn Arnold Palmer you know I remember one time I was hanging out with this guy I'm not gonna name the name of the person but he was hanging out with this super fucking legendary famous fucking rock star the dude had never got married never had any kids or whatever and I remember hanging out with that guy and he and like he could not it was all these beautiful women around he was barely looking at him he could not have been more bored because he had gone so far down that fucking road like what literally what it took at that point to even keep the pilot like going in his fucking eyes I'm not gonna sit here with this fucking

hang on a second sorry I had to clear my throat there what a fuck that I hit stop instead of pause now I gotta edit those two things together you know what it is it's when you're living as clean as I am the toxins through years of abuse start to come to the surface and your body is ridding them cleansing them um anyways yesterday this guy he was just like there wasn't any woman in there that could turn his fucking head there wasn't a joke that could make him smile this guy just he just he went too far went too far down the hole he got pulled out and now he's just sitting there just fucking bored you know I mean how the fuck you know once you participate in like an orgy and you're the only male participant I just don't understand

like where you you know what the fuck does that guy do hey you want to go to brunch you know you know hey let's go uh let's go to let's go to a game let's go to this arena that you sold out and had an orgy and and let's go watch other people fucking chase a puck you want to go do that there's like nothing you could suggest to this guy he'd have to you know what that that guy like his next fucking move to get his adrenaline going would probably be do that red bull jump were you just falling from outer space anyways I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about but that's that's that's what you expect that's what you expect that's what I expect out of this podcast

and that's what's wrong with America Americans podcasting with absolutely no expectations on how well the show is going to go all right let's talk let's talk Yankees red socks oh it's heating up again the red socks rape the Yankees 14 to 1 on Monday oh was it Monday I'm sorry Tuesday all right I remember when I was a kid they should save these runs for tomorrow like you can save runs and then yesterday our stat and picture price he got hurt or something so our pitching was shit yesterday and the Yankees ended up winning which is fine there's like nine million games left but I think it was really stupid of the red socks to get into a fight with them that fight was was good for the Yankees because they're not as good a team

they got bats but they don't have pitching and pitching is always going to win come October you don't need to get involved in that stupid shit and um and we did so now they have now they're all fucking they're all fucking excited you don't do that you know the guy wants to slide like that I mean up until last year that was legal who gives a shit who gives a shit to strike the guy out have him sit down with his big fucking stupid face I hate baseball players in this stupid fighting where everybody comes out and piles on each other and nobody does the uh you're lucky you're holding me back better than fucking baseball players maybe basketball players I don't know that's stupid after the fight and there's like two guys holding you back and then you still have to do that stupid

charge you know you're not going to get there it's over button your shirt and go to the showers but anyways we were getting killed and we still like it was almost like the Yankees couldn't score enough runs so we have bats and we have pitching we're in a great position why would we get involved in that tom foolery I mean this is sober bill talking oh you know it's so stupid is in the middle of the fight you just hear this guy going Yankee shot Yankee shot Red Sox fan can we retire that stupid chant already it's like it's it's like fucking Manchurian candidate level like the second anything happens you got to start chanting that um not that Yankee fans are innocent but that's stupid 1918 forever and then when they when that chant was over then they switched to

Boston sucks which is the worst chant ever um I don't know there's so much of it that it just makes me want to hit mute the sweet Caroline the Yankee suck chant all of that stuff it just it says to me that people do not think for themselves and that fucking mob mentality I don't like the Yankees but we beat them the movie is over it's over roll credits we won the world series they are now reduced to go and hey remember what we did last century remember that I mean that's what they've been reduced to why would you like make them actually feel that they hold some sort of position by continuing to chant Yankee suck they don't suck they're a good fucking team and I love the way that they've built

from their farm team and then added that big free agent from Miami or Florida or fucking Tuscalooska whatever the fuck they call themselves now um Okeechobee the Okeechobee Marlins I like what they've done they don't suck and I think that Aaron Boone's going to be a great manager and I look forward to the competition between both teams and who gives a fuck either we win or they win or somebody else wins who gives a shit just enjoy the fucking game don't go there and be a fucking mouth breather for the love of good when you sit down when they play that stupid sweet Caroline how many fucking times can you do it the fucking Yankee fans sit there singing fucking YMCA

I you know what I I should I shouldn't go this hard you know it's for the kids it's tradition it's what brings people together I don't know I thought the Yankees did pretty good before they had to sing that fucking song during the seventh inning the stupid grounds crew doing the little twirly twirl oh my god I'm such a cunt today anyways I'm sure Dan Shaughnessy is very excited that it's heated up again and he can actually write about the sport that he knows about and ignore the Bruins playoff run why do I always pick on Dan Shaughnessy I don't hate that guy I just like picking on him because I will never forgive that fucking guy for after 2004 when we won and then 2005 we were in

first place in September we got a bunch of injuries which clearly affected the team and then the 200 million dollar Yankees I believe ended up coming and passing us and Shaughnessy's like is the curse back I was like right there you're not a Red Sox fan you're just not you're a guy making money off of misery you're your own little corporation you know profiting off of war in a sports sense Jesus Bill you went big there yes I did and I'll do it again anyways the Bruins playoff run starts tonight and I have a lot of nerve giving Shaughnessy shit considering I maybe watched four games this year now that I got the little one and we're playing the Toronto Maple Leafs and those poor bastards are going to have to fucking endure the highlight reel of what happened

the last time we played them and just know that I was at that fucking game I actually you know something it's funny I feel like Maple Leaf fans hate the Bruins and I don't hate the Maple Leafs I actually like the Maple Leafs I hate the Canadians that's it and a couple of knee breakers on the penguins other than that and not even if the penguins have knee breakers it's just that they then turn around and complain when somebody gets a little rough on the other team they were attacking Sydney they bug me that's it other than that I don't have a problem with anybody I'm looking forward to wonderful seven game series we'll see how it goes but it comes on at four o'clock here I'm balancing my entire fucking schedule is that it

is that how I say it my entire fucking schedule is uh is going to be based around that my daughter takes a nap from three to five so I figure I'll get to watch the first period and then and then I'll probably be fucked who's kidding no I'm actually flying to the tomorrow I'm flying out to Charlotte for the rough and rowdy fight I'm going to be commentating watching regular peoples Americans on Americans fighting there's going to be over 40 fights and I'm feeling that this is going to be like when I did the Joe Rogan Doug Stanhope uh end of the universe podcast on election night that's the vibe that I feel like is is going to be going on so I'm just going to be um trying to get in as many jokes as I can it's already entertaining while getting out of the way

of the action um I've never done any shit like this I remember when I was a kid my mother thought I should be a sports commentator I don't think she pictured me doing starting my career in an event like this but I'm looking forward to it I really am and uh it's a $15 pay-per-view unless you wait till the day of so today's the last day we can get it for like $15.99 after that it goes up to $19.99 but if you're a college kid you know couple two three your friends throwing like five and a half bucks each get yourself a domino's pizza and whatever else you want to do as Mike Golik would say an adult beverage and enjoy the fights um anyways plowing ahead here uh I've started my workout my serious my serious workout regimen to somehow stave off the fact that I'm turning 50 in

fucking June the big five oh you're fucking fucking old you're fucking balls hang down to the floor um I actually feel fortunate to be to have made it this long consider it's a bunch of my friends did not and then also the direction we seem to be going here why are we bombing Syria why are we going to do this how much further into this fucking Middle East shit are we gonna go I don't understand why France us Russia all of these fucking people why the fuck do we keep intervening over there you know what I mean these people have been fighting with each other forever and then we're gonna come in hey hey hey settle down settle down give us the oil settle down you shouldn't do that to what another give us the oil stop doing that France's president Emmanuel Macron says he has proof

that the Syrian government attacked the town of Doma with chemical weapons last weekend he said he would decide in due course whether to respond with airstrikes I don't know how these gays world leaders do that shit it's like you know you're gonna respond with airstrikes and they're not all gonna land on the people that did it and then you have to go to bed that night going like well I think most of them landed on the people that were guilty you know the others landed in a food court I think that's why they age although I think Donald Trump is going to age wonderfully during his presidency because I don't think he really understands the ramifications of what the fuck it is that he's saying or doing who the fuck tweets about when a country is going to strike

another country isn't that supposed to kind of be a secret or the way he's trying to do the three card Monty it could be now it could be not at all or maybe later you know what's funny there's probably Syrian people actually looking at his at his tweets you know like like looking at it like like they found clues sorry I just got this fucking email these goddamn fucking state of Wisconsin just hit me with this huge goddamn tax bill I just like how the fuck do I owe you guys all that goddamn money yeah I know I know why they hit me with that shit I know why I know why because we're spending money in this country in a bunch of other shits so that I come down there they fucking pull the pants down they give old freckles a good

spanking before I leave the state that's like a new thing all of these scams do you know in Pittsburgh they had an entertainment tax for a while if you were an entertainer if you spun plates and you went to Pittsburgh they taxed you for entertaining people literally doing your job when I was in st. Louis one time I was in a hotel and I actually took the time to look at the bill and this the city of st. Louis or the state of Missouri charged me uh what the fuck did they call it an occupation tax on the room they tax me for occupying the room they're just shaking like fucking 30 20 30 bucks out of your pocket we'll take that thank you for coming here did you get a chance to visit the fucking Ozarks um I don't know I'll tell you it's all a goddamn scam

what am I going to do am I going to take on a whole fucking state Michael Moore would do it all right the penguins Jesus Christ what they went 18 to nothing against the fucking fly is I didn't get to watch any of the hockey last night I was editing season three of f is for family I think I'm going to tell you right now and I could say this with total confidence this is without a doubt our best season it's a it's a noticeable jump between the first and second seasons um and I can't wait for you guys to see it but it's animation so I'm gonna be like Donald Trump you could be seeing these episodes soon or maybe later possibly not at all or maybe they're on right now I should get a giant fucking toupee like he doesn't have a toupee I think he did a comb over

and then he did some hair plugs and they didn't work but now the hair plugs are better and I think maybe they worked but then he just has to kind of commit to the comb over you know I actually think he kind of has nice hair you know the way he gets dyed all golden when it goes orange it's bad but when he has like the golden sort of fucking uh stray cats haircut you know we're gonna bomb this town bomb it inside I think it's a uh I think it's a good look I could see him with like an upright base I want to get one of those fucking what would you guys do if somehow I got fucking I actually caved and I got fucking hair plugs right and I had a giant red stray cats fucking hairdo out of nowhere no not out of nowhere you would you would notice

it like pictures of me after shows going what's going on with the top of burr's head and I refuse to like when someone's slowly transitioning there's that thing of like wow that's an interesting outfit and then people start are you trying and then finally they'd say yeah you know what I am I would I would do what Bruce Jenner did except to my hair all right but what if I never fucking addressed it what if I never went on and talked to Diane Sawyer you know and just sat there going I was the story I was the story what if I never did that and refused to ever address my new quaff of fucking hair and I tried to just I just I erased all my podcast any fucking evidence of me ever admitting that I went bald and I would just say that I

would just refuse to you know like turkey when they refused to say yeah that never happened if you say it happened you go into jail how much would I be getting heckled if I came out with a fucking Ric Flair haircut oh fuck you know something I was talking about MotoGP and the uh what was it the Argentina Grand Prix is that where it was what a fucking race that was I don't even I don't even I haven't watched racing enough to even understand what the fuck happened and I was dealing with my kids and all of a sudden the race starts and there was like one person in the front row nobody in like 30 rows back or something like that then a bunch of people in the back Mark Marquez had stalled his bike so

according to the rules he had to leave and go restarted or something and he was driving around in circles refusing to fucking leave so then he ended up those race starts and he gets penalized or penalized depending on what part of the country you're from he got penalized he goes to the back of the race and this fucking guy just wrote he was like I swear to god he was like 40 seconds ahead of everybody he was going to win the race going away it was one of those tracks where it was uh it was still wet or whatever and he was just riding way faster than everybody else I don't know how and they said hey buddy buddy you uh you gotta go to the back of the this is so stupid I didn't want to talk about you gotta go to the back of the race so they sent him all the way to the

back goes to the pits first and then they sent him to the back of the race because he fucking ran over this guy you know he basically went to go past somebody's he's bumping him out of the way like they're in cars except they're on motorcycles and he would wave like sorry about that and continue on and like hey buddy you gotta go to the back of the fucking race right the first time I think that they he bumped into somebody they made him sit there in the pits I don't remember they they they they penalized this guy so many fucking times long story short he went from first place all the way to last so now he's blowing by everybody and he gets up to Valentino Rossi who's basically the Wayne Gretzky uh the Lewis Hamilton the fucking person you're not supposed

to touch or fuck with and he's trying to get around him and Valentino Rossi's like fuck you you're not getting around me and uh rather than waiting for a straightaway he tried to pass him on a turn and he just fucking slammed into him and Valentino got pushed to the outside and he had control of the bike but then he went on the grass and he wiped out he fell off his bike and Marquez turns around waves like sorry about that right Valentino gets up he's Italian he goes up right and then he fucking picks his bike up now he's right now all the Valentino Rossi fans like what the fuck is with this guy Mark Marquez gets penalized again I believe and uh so at the end of the fucking race Marquez walks down with somebody else to Valentino's uh pit area whatever they call

it the pageant I forget what they call it because of the pee and Valentino's like oh my god I am like so not talking to you some the mechanic or the chief fucking steward stewardess down there or something he's yelling at Marquez and Marquez ends up walking away and then Valentino Rossi said he wasn't man enough to come down by himself he came down with somebody else blah blah blah and I'm sitting there agreeing with Valentino Rossi and then all of a sudden everybody starts sending all these fucking highlights from like three years earlier when Rossi basically donkey kicked Mark Marquez off his fucking bike or out of the goddamn race or something like that so it's it just seemed like um Lewis Hamilton behavior where it's like it's okay if I do it but if you

do it you're a fucking asshole and now I'm going to have a hissy fit about it so I think I like Mark Marquez better you know I respect Rossi you know the little I know about the sport being the legend that he is uh but I like Marquez fuck it if he did that to you years earlier yeah pass him at a turn knock him off his bike and give him a wave who gives a shit I'm telling you guys you're missing out on this this all of this took place in like 25 laps you can watch your race in like 40 minutes and you can watch these these unbelievable this unbelievable fucking sport I can't even tell you how sold I am on MotoGP um just to let you know there's MotoGP two and three and they're all going to get recorded and there's going to be like five recordings of them and there's

a chance your your your recorder is going to shut off which is what would have happened to me I would have missed the end of the fucking race but fortunately I got to watch it live um I don't understand trying to tape one of those races is practically impossible so I have to make sure I don't I don't lose the one here the MotoGP of the Americas is what they call it why don't they say they say Argentina you know they say they say Italy why can't we say USA you know what are we embarrassed the Americas where is it Canada Mexico Falkland Islands um anyways check it out if you get a chance um you know usually this is the time when I actually do a read or something and there's just I don't

have any advertising you know what I mean I'm like that real housewife on the real housewives that just trashes too many fucking people and then that you know just doesn't have any friends anymore um that's where the advertising is slowly going okay on this podcast and I'm now that I've cleaned up my act as far as my you know offstage behavior I am now going to clean up this podcast in an effort to try to get my advertising back I am not going to have any sort of opinions look I just stop right now and just talk about how amazing and strong women are and how whatever look at your your girlfriend or wife right now and just look at whatever she's doing and just realize how strong she is and really just take time in your day to understand how amazing women are

and how right they are and how they do nothing wrong whatsoever ever and if they do something wrong just know that it's because of something that you did I want everybody to close their eyes and talk to Jesus right now should I go that far no I think that'd be too limiting I think if I just say positive things about women I can't do this you're fucking it noises out of me a clutch is there anything more annoying than a clutch it goes to my outfit I don't have any pockets can you hold all my shit hey why don't you bring one of your fucking bags why don't you bring a bunch of one of those

recycling bags why don't you throw that over your fucking outfit maybe you'll be making some new fashion statement right like back in the day when women will wear business suits and fucking sneakers put on something nice and then have like a little fucking grocery bag you don't and stick stick all your shit in there your giant fucking out fucking cell phone I already have my cell phone in my pocket you want me to radiate fucking both sides of my scrotum I mean not to mention my taint do you have any sort of consideration for me whatsoever am I just a fucking pack mule once you get a smaller phone you're gonna walk around with a clutch I say you go back to a flip

phone that's what I say that's my big controversial fucking take on this Thursday uh playoff hockey tonight everybody playoff hockey the third game of the Red Sox Yankees 90 million games that we're going to play this year I got 50 bucks on every game with uh my booking agent and uh Paul Versey and I called the two of them the panic brothers because that first game they were literally going like we're done oh my god we're so screwed uh bullpens admit the Yankees have major problems and then like literally the next game it's just like yeah we're going to the world series and then all of a sudden fucking uh Hanley Ramirez hits that grand slam and we go down from being like fucking down eight to two and now it's eight to six and then it's all of a sudden it's like

if we blow this the bullpens the problem it's like dude there's there's 150 games left I can't fucking do this but it's so funny to watch Yankee fans act like how Red Sox fans used to act um they don't have any swagger anymore they're a bunch of fucking nervous nellies it's tremendous which is why once again we shouldn't have gotten to that stupid fight with them stupid why give them an emotional point to rally around you're the better goddamn team but it doesn't mean that the better team's gonna win it doesn't mean it because when you start getting involved in that stupid shit it's fucking baseball nobody's gonna get hurt everybody's gonna come running out I always wanted to talk to people like who come running out of the bullpen you know

is that like annoying that by the time you get there like the fight's already been over for fucking three minutes you know and you can tell the way they come running out it's like what are you gonna just you're gonna be sitting there you're not pitching that day right you're blowing bubbles you're coming up with fucking games you can play to get through the fucking game I'm thinking I'm looking at something green and your buddy's going out a green monster nope uh that person's uh Red Sox st patty's a hat no right and all of a sudden you're like is that a fight is that a fight in the phone fucking rings hey buddy yeah I don't know if you notice but there's like a 40 on 40 fight about about a football field away why don't you come out it's good it's

good it's gonna look good for the team and he gets up without fucking stretching and you see him jog out there they're not gonna come running out there full fucking full speed they're gonna pull a hamstring they're gonna throw a punch and fuck up their hand they can't their pitchers their pitchers you're looking at a kendo it's it's got it has no fucking uh no genitalia it's running out with that every once in a while you see somebody come running out that's usually the fucking warm-up catcher that guy will come flying out of there he's got to do something to keep make sure he stays on the goddamn team right that guy only catches the knuckleballer he's like oh Jesus I get to do something right anyways uh rough and rowdy shallot north carolina in the house that rick flair built

I cannot fucking wait and I am actually going out to buy a little habit dash for the fucking uh I'm going all out for this thing and uh it's gonna be a great fucking time all right it's gonna be as great as every woman on the planet is they're just great people every single one of them none of them needs to do any sort of self examination anything that they're doing it's because of the man that's in their life or maybe a man who isn't even in their life maybe a man that they've never even met before is the reason for their behavior um that's it everybody have a great weekend and go fuck yourselves you cunts and I will I will talk to you on Monday I look forward to high level competition tonight between the

Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees all right see you oh in the end we shall achieve in time the thing we call the band and all the stars will smile for me and all this will and will and the dark will and the forever after living in the mean time when I see love beyond the all reliance the green skies

you it's like a boss here's the story of a lovely lady gotta beat Marsha gotta get closer than a quarter of an inch remember that one greg brady he's driving that fucking caprice classic whatever the fuck they had whipping it around the parking lot gotta get closer than an inch and a half i gotta win i gotta beat marsha making fun of how broads can't drive one of my favorite fucking episodes now that's a typical male chauvinist reaction you're prejudice against women drivers oh i'm not not as long as they stay off the roads

it's not prejudice it's just that men are naturally superior drivers my two favorite episodes was the first half of that brady bunch episode when greg brady was bringing the fucking hammer down and was going let me tell you three fucking stepsister bitches something none of you broads know how to drive and that includes your mother who i'm banging by the way who i'm banging by the way all right with their weird ass haircut whatever the fuck you know but um yeah i had a date with him and you know it was i i kind of felt like i was if you were in school and i were the teacher did anybody ever have that fucking haircut other than her i mean that is like i don't know what it was she took like mo from the

three stooges haircut and then she put a fucking sort of mullet that she did a little flip to on the back anyways let's get back to you broads you know not a fucking drive that goes for you with the fucking speech impediment you don't not a fucking drive jan with your awful fucking acidic jew fucking curls i don't know what you're trying to do you know and and and marsha who i don't know why i'm not banging you some reason i skipped over you and started banging your mother right none of you bitches can fucking drive and i'm watching this episode going this greg brady's the shit greg brady fuck faunsey you know with his stupid fucking you know spinning around and punching a jukebox so it plays shaboom shaboom i don't give a fuck about that i like

greg brady you know for as much as faunsey was talking shit he was always nice to the ladies any that's that's seventh grade game with the woman greg brady that's that's how greg ended up fucking their mom because he didn't give a shit you didn't give a fuck greg fuck you carol you're not my mother you know not a drive either oh my god took him in that fucking groovy attic they had started blowing him that's why his hair got all curly so anyways that episode he's telling these fucking broads that they don't not a drive and then in the end of course because they always have to cater to women these nerdy fucking writers you know and then the end they fucking you know marcia goes around

this stupid fucking track and they had a cone with a little egg on it you guys have seen this and she fucking you know i forget whatever marcia chokes in the beginning and then in the end just to fucking even it out so everybody's happy and they could sell tied during the commercials they have greg fuck up and knock the egg off that's that's what i was trying to get to wasn't that what i was trying to get to that went on so fucking long i can't even remember all i'm saying is that the guy you want you don't it doesn't fucking matter how many yards you throw in the regular season it doesn't fucking matter me

me me hey what's going on it's Phil Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday April 12 2010 and i'm actually just putting this up here right now to let you guys know that i'm not doing a podcast this week i apologize i'm calling in sick all right i'm fucking you know number one cal cal ripkin voluntarily took himself out of that game and he ended his streak i'm ending my podcast streak this is the first week that i i'll ever willingly not do a fucking podcast you know it's like an nfl football the big question is can you go we tape it up and we

freeze it can you go and this is the first time i could tell you no i can't i can't go this week everybody i apologize so we're gonna have a substitute this week i'm gonna pass the mic no i'm fucking with you i really should have had someone stand in i'm uh i'm spent all right i'm back to drinking i'm disgusted with myself i uh was in Atlanta this week i didn't drink wednesday and i didn't drink thursday and then friday was coming along and i was tired now my buddy was opening for me and i had a couple of drinks i had two beers then i switched to water which is a great thing and it usually makes me stop but the thing was is i left the punch line in Atlanta uh that's where i was at i was at the punch line and i walked across the street to this

club 290 and i don't know somewhere walking from the punch line across the parking lot to club 290 i then switched back to uh to alcohol i don't know what happened jesus christ here my phone ringing in the background how many times can it ring before you realize either i'm not home or i'm not picking it up it's probably some fucking telemarketer oh jesus there you go person finally quit so anyways anyway shh i walk over there and people are drinking so i had a couple more Budweiser's and then the fucking bartender over there if you guys live in the Atlanta area and i feel really bad telling you this all right because it's such a cool fucking thing that i don't want it to get ruined and become anything touristy you know i can't even remember what the name of the thing was

just go in there there's a bartender named Tommy and just ask him if he can spin the wheel all right this guy out of nowhere says to me and paul versey who's opening up for me who fucking killed all weekend he just pulls out this drum head and it's got an arrow and it has a bunch of shit written all around the rim of the drum head and he goes spin the arrow and you'd spin it and you i don't mean i was so drunk i don't even know what i got and paul spun it first he got something the guy goes okay you got this and he has me spin it and he goes all right you got you know you got this and then he walks over and he picks up this i don't know what it is you know like that thing like that they put like uh yeager in you know when you do like they have yeager on

tap you know those things he basically picked up something like that that had a door on the front of it and he just puts it on top of his head and he's just staring at us and all of a sudden he opens the door and he has this dumb cross-eyed look on his face and he starts singing slash rapping i don't know what and it doesn't even sound like english and at the end of every sentence it kind of fucking rhymes and right as you start to figure out what he's saying he stops makes a weird face and slams the door right in his face it's the most fucked up thing when he first did it i was like all defensive like is this guy gonna make me look like a fucking asshole and then i and then right as i caught on that he was just acting like an idiot

he slammed the door on himself and it was the best fucking laugh i've had in like three months i can't even imitate what he did and that was just for paul so now he's standing just slammed the door this fucking thing on his right in his own face this little door and now he's just standing there looking at me but he's not looking at me he's got this fucking thing on his on his head and i know i'm next and all of a sudden he opens the door again he's got that same dumb look on his face and he said uh bill bird i can't even fucking do what he was doing and me and paul at this point are like pounding the bar fucking dying laughing and you didn't want it to end and all of a sudden he just stops with his fucked up look on his face

and he slams the door in his face again club 290 the guy's name is tommy just hang out there i'm telling you out of all the fucking weird shit i've seen in bars with people doing tricks with matchbooks people telling you jokes and everything was the most unique fucking thing i've ever seen in my life and um it's called the club 290 just just go in there um whatever that's it the next night i was going to bring actually my video camera and videotape it and put it up on youtube but i didn't want to because youtube ruins everything because everything then becomes mainstream and it can't be uh it was just this cool underground thing so what i did to keep it underground was not videotape it and then fucking talk about it on my podcast what an asshole um so anyways so

i went hard that night and i stayed out till like four in the morning and we ended up driving out of there and uh and versi's going come on hey is anything open i want to get something to eat i'm like dude i'm not eating this fucking late actually it was like three i got to sleep by four so it was a little bit before three he goes no no no he goes i think mcdonald's open i'm like dude it's not going to be open this late and he's like all right come on just drive up there so i say fuck it i drive up there he sees the lights are on and he see you see that one lonely fucking person standing in there walking around doing everything and he's all excited do the drive-thru's open yes it's fucking open right so we go we go to the drive-thru when he's like dude you're going to get some

like no dude i'm not getting any this shit i can't eat this fucking late i'm too too old to be eating this late right so we go up to the drive-thru and the guy goes hey welcome mcdonald's can i take your order and immediately my mouth just starts going yeah let me get two double cheeseburgers a small fry and a coke and versi just starts laughing at me because two seconds ago i wasn't going to get anything in the second i just started smelling those fries i said you know what actually now that i think of it i'm going to order about 1280 calories of trans fats i think that that's what i'm going to do so we get our shit fucking drive back to the hotel fucking eat it in his room and then i go to bed you know i wake up the next day at like 1230 and i'm not worth

shit i'm not worth fucking shit we get up we go to the waffle house this is what i did to my body this week this is why there's no podcast this week this is not a podcast okay so if you guys don't like this podcast don't write me and say that podcast sucked what you need to say is your unbelievably long statement announcing why you weren't going to do a podcast sucked all right all right get it right there cuntface so uh yeah we go into the waffle house we're both fucking hungover i've been to the waffle house a bunch of times because i travel this fucking country paul versey has never been to the fucking waffle house because he doesn't work this part of the country much or maybe he just never went to it which i wouldn't understand because of the piss

yellow sign that they have with the incredibly bland black font it is um i'm it is a question for you guys in this non-podcast what when you guys look at like fast food don't you know what like some signs are like appealing and they make you want to eat the food or at the very least try it having an earthquake is that just wind and having a lot of earthquakes lately um i thought it was one of those little ones every once in a while i get one of those little ones out here and uh it just feels like you know if your eyes are closed at night and you get one of those you feel like if you open your eyes there'd be some guy standing at the end of your bed just shaking it like i'm gonna fucking kill you um anyway so we go uh which uh jeez i got nothing this is not a podcast

everybody i can't even fucking think right now i had a muffin a bag of m&m's a water and some sort of chicken wrap all airport fucking food i've destroyed my body i think at least two of my organs have shut down at this point i'm gonna go with one kidney and uh let's see the pancreas now that's that's the fucking grand central of the uh organs isn't it what exactly does the pancreas do that's for all you geeks out there who let me know that facetious is not the only word that has all the vowels in a row you hear that geeky person who sent me that fucking email that said the interesting thing about the word facetious is it's the only word in the english language we're all the uh all the vowels not only are all the vowels in the english language

in the word they're actually in order it's the only word in the english language i'm sorry to tell you sir you're actually wrong and uh i can't remember what the other word is but at least two other nerds emailed me to let me know that you are wrong so uh i'm not going to read the emails because this is not a podcast this week i'm taking this week off so what you need to do is you need to deepen the level of nerd that you fucking hang out with before you make an ass of yourself like that again on the podcast lucky for you i'm not trashing you on another podcast or as you would be embarrassed right now fortunately for you this got buried on the back page of this non-podcast this week so anyways which have fast food restaurants you guys feel like the sign

makes the food look like the least appealing for me i would go with the waffle house because they have like that piss yellow fucking sign and they have the plainest black font it's just horrible absolutely horrible and it makes me sick to my stomach arby's is another one that blood orange color that fucking hat and their gray roast beef and by the way i ate there last night they're about fucking one in the morning jesus christ you know what i used to hate too was this the subway back in the day when they had those piss yellow counters in the newspaper articles all on the walls remember that they literally had urine colored tables with newspapers the only thing was missing was a homeless guy rolled up in the wallpaper pissing on the tables that was that

was basically subconsciously what they were creating and not only that the pictures on the on the way no no no no no no no the newspapers oh i'm fucking this up the subway used to have pictures of old new york on it that's what it had wow i fucked that up the newspapers were actually the tabletops of the old wendy's there's a bunch of guys 41 years old and older right now fucking punching that dashboard going that's why i was gonna fucking say that i remember that shit and you go in there and you'd order the triple do you remember one time you know one time i was standing in line at wendy's and i was making my girl crack up or maybe my girlfriend at the time i can't even fucking think this week i was making her laugh her ass off because i was

making fun of who the fuck orders a triple cheese burger you know i don't even know what i was saying but i had her dying laughing and i was so psyched that i was making her laugh because was making me feel good i had a crying laugh and then i had said triple cheese burger so many fucking times that when i walked up to the register i ended up ordering it and then she looked at me like what the fuck did you do that for and then i felt stupid for ordering it but then i also felt you know i didn't want to be like oh wait wait wait wait i didn't want to look like and then the gluttonous side of me is like oh great i could eat a triple cheese burger you know like a fat fuck so anyways i would go with rbs and i would go with the waffle house signage

so anyways we walk into the waffle house and for those of you who have never been to a waffle house uh don't ever put your elbows on the table because you won't be able to get them off without taking off at least two layers of skin because they're sticky oh somebody killed me you know i just had an urge to do i'm wearing a thermal right now i had the urge to take this thing off and hang myself by the sleeves i got nothing i got absolutely nothing this week this statement is uh it's just gonna be a long statement so anyways we walk into the fucking waffle house and yes i did lose some energy in my voice i'm running out of batteries here uh yeah i'm sweating here um we walk into the waffle house and we're both fucking hung over and i've been to the

waffle house hundreds of times so i already know the menu paul on the other hand does not know the menu so the waitress comes over and she goes you guys ready to order and i'm like uh yeah actually i'm ready to order so versi goes into a fucking panic and it's a big overwhelming fucking menu they have like 98 different kinds of uh hash browns smothered covered fucking shit on or whatever the fuck you're supposed to say there that he just you know i order what i order and then he he he didn't know what the fuck to do he's just looking at the pictures pancakes toast eggs and he finally just goes yet you have uh what do you order he ordered eggs benedict a fucking waffle house you know who the fuck that's like trying to order like a rib eye steak at mcdonald's they

don't have it paul over easy or fucking scrambled i mean there's like toothless truckers in there convicted felons has been rappers it's a it's a shithole but their waffles are delicious especially especially when you're hung over their food's so fattening i actually had a little hiccup there as i was just describing it so anyways and this is the this is this is the kicker like that night i have three fucking shows all right but because i'm a professional i'm able to push all the feelings that i have of the horror that i've done to my body over the last fucking 24 hours i go on stage kill at seven kill at 10 i do i go to do no seven nine and 11 the 11 o'clock show i literally have a splitting fucking headache and all i can think of is jerry louis and now we never ever sat down

in his tuxedo pants and he always gave him a fucking show and i was like you know instead of what would jesus do what would jerry do he would give him a show lady so i plowed through that one and uh then that was the end of my weekend so you're probably thinking yourself right now well then why are you issuing a statement bill you fucking you were finished saturday it's fucking monday didn't you recuperate yesterday no i did not i went to the masters yesterday and watch phil michelson win his third green jacket and uh it was an incredible experience i went to the super bowl of golf everybody and after having gone there and seen how fucking beautiful that golf course is i don't know why they don't call the super bowl the masters of football you

know why because nobody fucking watches golf to the level that they watch football that's why i knew the answer to that question i'm just trying to tell you that was a beautiful course and and basically you don't get tickets to the masters all right because i want to tell you guys this is just like royal albert hall that i saw this is another thing that if you're into golf you have to do at some point you don't get tickets what you do is you get a badge and you have to get a badge from some sort of dude who knows a member who knows a fucking guy who knows a guy who fucking knew a guy who knew a guy and when you go to pick up your tickets you actually fucking at least we did we actually drove to somebody's house and i remember i thought it was gonna be like some

will call shit and it wasn't we're driving through this neighborhood and i'm looking at the addresses and i'm like i think it's the next house it's a house i must be on the wrong street and i look and there's this woman sitting in a garage waving at us and i was like all right well either this is the place where we're supposed to be or this is the friendliest fucking neighborhood i've ever been to or maybe i look like one of her neighbors or maybe she has a rape fantasy and she ordered a redhead because you know how many redhead gigalos are out there everybody i'm telling you we're in demand we're we're dying off we're like the white rhinos of fucking human beings people are trying to bang us before we disappear i mean think about it think about the dodo bird think about if you

actually stuck your dick in a dodo bird the the just the fuck you trump every story in a bar i fucked something that doesn't exist anymore what are you a necrophiliac no you fucking asshole i fucked a dodo bird um anyways now right there i would have complained if that was on a regular podcast i would have complained about that last bit there but fortunately this is not a podcast i'm just issuing a statement that i do not have the energy to fucking do this this week so anyways we get these fucking badges and they actually bring you into the house we sit in this library and i'm sitting there and this woman is debriefing me about these badges okay i'm already freaked out about going to the masters because there's a level of whiteness and a level of education

that uh even intimidates me is why does i am now um aesthetically AES, T-H-E, T-I-C-A-L-L-Y aesthetically i don't know if i spelled it right but i know how to spell it when i'm not fucking brain dead it's one of my spelling words let's get smart america um aesthetically i'm very white alabaster if you ask my girlfriend that's how she describes me um porcelain-esque that's how white i am but uh there's this is the different kind of white this is that thirst and hell the third kind of white and uh ivy league kind of white illuminati you know rubbing elbows with the kennedys we summer in the hamptons we have a house on martha's vineyard you know when jesus comes back he's gonna have to be buzzed into our house

after he talks to our lawyer our lawyer will be present when jesus judges me like that level of fucking white so i went on the internet and i actually was like i know there's a dress code here and the last thing i want to do when i go to a place like that is i don't want to come in there and disrespect the place i don't give a fuck about the approval of those people but you know what i mean you go and do that place it's an unbelievable golf event i respect the history of it on a palmer jack nicholas ben hogan all that type of stuff so i want to go there and show it the respect that it deserves all right and also i don't want to walk in there looking like a fucking bump so i go on the internet and i check out the dress code and it's literally college shirt

no jeans allowed all this shit so i for the first time in about i think 20 years i actually when i had some sort of a suit job i actually bought a pair of dockers dockers everybody i i at least i went with the black ones i did not buy khaki i refuse to ever wear khaki there's only two people in the world wear khaki animal experts and date rapists all right i'm not wearing khaki so i bought a pair of black dockers and uh i had this blue like nike um golf shirt and then i had the tiger woods um the tiger woods nike hat the black one with the red v why am i acting like i'm walking the red carpet for my movie date night that came out last weekend which is a huge fucking hit everybody i'm so fucking psyched date night

was a huge hit it made a ton of fucking money and if you went out and saw it um i i want to say thank you because i hope it's such a huge hit that they make a fucking sequel and uh maybe i'll be able to repot reprise my role as detective walsh you know maybe i'll be i'll turn bad in the second one like a fucking kehoe in another 48 hours remember that i'll grow one of those uh walrus mustaches i don't give a shit it's the first movie i've really booked ever in my career i'm averaging one every 18 years if i can go on a run with this thing i'll be psyched for those of you who haven't seen it and enjoy this podcast this is not a podcast this is just a statement uh but enjoy all the other free podcasts you love me like you know what he never comes

and tours in my area or i don't care to see his act live but i would like to somehow pay it forward you could pay it forward by buying a ticket to date night you could even do me a bigger favor is if you're gonna if you've already seen it or you don't even want to fucking see it you'd rather see another movie do me a favor just buy two tickets to date night and just go into the other movie that you wanted to anyways just so it pads the stats um date night starring steve correll and tina fey is that a local cineplex near you please go see it so anyways um so we get the badges and uh this is the deal you're not allowed to bring a cell phone in you're not allowed to bring a camera in you're not allowed to bring video equipment in you're

not allowed to bring shit in all you're allowed to bring in is yourself the clothes that cover you and some fucking cash and some sunblock that's it all right so you walk in there and you literally you're going through like a metal detector like you're going through the airport and immediately there's this sense of uh is the president nearby because that's what this security feels like and uh and the big thing with these badges is it's not like you get the badge at the person's house so wherever the fuck you get it and you get to keep it you have to return the badge and when you have this badge you have the responsibility to not break any rules because if they kick you out they take your badge so you'll never come again so not only can you never come again the person

whose badge it was does not get it back ever again no matter what because you are obviously not good enough a judge of character considering that you gave this badge to this person that we now have to eject and and when i went there all i heard was stories of uh people that they had seen get eject some some ejected some guy actually got a cell phone in there and it rang at some point during the match and people just appear out of nowhere okay one guy puts you in a fucking chokehold another guy snatches the badge off your shirt and the badge has to be displayed at all times and you would think with all those fucking people there if you didn't have it displayed you had you know very small chance of someone stopping you i didn't have my i had mine in my

pocket and i walked like 10 feet with it and this guy just appeared out of nowhere with his masters that green colored shirt sir where's your badge where's your badge sir sir do you have a badge you know fucking gun drawn he made me reach in my pocket with two fingers you know pull it on kid whatever um so anyways so we walk out on so that we get there uh first thing we do is we walk into the pro shop and i already told myself i was going to spend it like 400 bucks and i god damn it if i if i didn't it's exactly what i did i got some shot glasses i got some golf balls i got some hats for people they actually sell those masters the flags you know that they have on the pins all around there just says uh the masters 2010 very clean very elegant it's the shit bought

a bunch of those for some friends and a couple of golf shirts you know the usual bullshit and then i bought one of those uh the best and the best souvenir i ended up getting is you actually because you don't want to stand up for fucking 12 hours watching people golf what's up clio are you doing i didn't know you were laying there are you doing you guys haven't heard a fucking moan lately anyways um i just do that for me um so anyways uh they sell these these chairs there that you can sit on oh Jesus see this is why this isn't a podcast you hear what i just said they sell these chairs that uh you can sit on is that what you do with the chair bill and they actually end up being one of the most coveted um souvenirs because when you go to get on the plane

the next day you see everybody got them they got them slung over their shoulders the way they fold up it looks like you're carrying like a yoga mat except it weighs like fucking 20 pounds so anyways let's let's cut to the chase here because i got to finish this statement early um i went out onto the golf course and those of you who are big fans of golf and you watch the masters every year you got to go there because when you go and you see the clubhouse you can't go in it but when you see it and you just start walking the course this is this is what i suggest get there at like eight in the morning and start at 18 and just walk the course backwards all the way to the front i didn't do that because i had too much shit that i bought and uh i just walked to different holes that i

really liked but that's what this guy told me to do walk the whole fucking course but we got there a little late because i was in a bar the night before watching a guy with a box on his head sing songs that i couldn't really understand um but anyways you go onto the course and i've never been to anything like this as far as nature goes i've seen it was like seeing famous people except they were they were fairways like i walked up and around so when i came to 18 i was in between where you tee off and looking down the fairway you know when someone's just bringing it home and is going to win the masters there's a roadway where you walk across and i looked right down that fairway and i don't know it's one of those fucking things we just like this really exists

you know it isn't this is real and then you go over to hole number 12 they got the little pamphlet here they got all the holes are named the 12th hole what the fuck do they call it they have like the golden bell is the name this is how white this is you guys want to hear the names of the holes now usually when i talk about holes on the podcast it's a lot more crass than this hole number one is called tea olive all right that's not too hole number two is called pink dogwood tell me there isn't a porno to be made with some of these names flowering peach it's the third hole these are all mildly sexual aren't they flowery crab apple oh that's the one where like if you're into watching guys fuck old women this is really

just going to get disgusting fifth hole is magnolia you get the point juniper's the sixth pompous i don't want the fucking yellow jasmine but whatever they got all these flowers and everything's in bloom and it's just it's unbelievable it's unbelievable you just walk around looking at all these famous holes like i couldn't like when i was coming up onto 12 to see that little bridge there on whatever the fuck they call it the pink petunia golden bell it's just it's just unbelievable when you see it it's literally iconic the same feeling i got when i saw big ben in london how fucking awesome is my life this past month when i saw big ben you just stare at it you can't believe it it's just something you've seen your whole life and now you're standing there looking at it

and i'm telling you the the fucking urge this is the thing about it there was so many things you can't talk to the golfers like if tiger hits something hit the ball hit something his wife if tiger hit the fucking ball you could literally go like uh you know as he came walking up to ball he'd be like come on tiger you could say something like that maybe but that's it after you hit the ball he couldn't be like you're the man tiger tiger i love you that's it someone would pair out of nowhere chloroform rag right over your fucking nose somebody else yanks off your fucking badge and that's it they pummel you with billy clubs that are that are the same color as the master's green and they just beat the shit out of you and they toss you over the fucking fence

that's how it works um but i gotta admit with all those rules all those rules the urge to just do something like that and get kicked out like i almost had like Tourette's um because what i ended up doing is i settled on the 15th hole and i sat in the bleachers and i don't know what that one's called wispy pubic hair what the fuck do they call this one the 15th fucking hole is called firethorn and it had this uh so this is basically what we did we realized that there were so many fucking people there and we had our chairs that we had to lug around and a four in it all is worth a shit in this bag i wasn't going to walk 18 holes and just follow tiger around i didn't want to do that because there's too many fucking people and there's people camped out around where they tee

off and they're camped out around the green so what you can basically do is run down the fucking fairway if you can get there knowing that all the golfers have a point a to point b once they once you know just to keep play moving you on the other hand have specific areas where you can cross over fairways and that type of shit and if you don't they fucking they they they they destroy you and they take your badge so um we just said fuck it we're going to go to 15 we're going to sit there we can watch them hit their second shots a par five and we look over our shoulder we can't see them tee off on 16 but we can see the result of their shot and uh we sat there in the bleachers and knowing that we had a good two and a half hours to wait until they came

i think it was actually three hours so we just sat there and uh you would think it would be boring as hell and it wasn't you just shoot the shit with other people older people who've gone to the master since like the early 70s late 70s one guy from like 1952 i didn't get a chance to talk to them but they talk about you know nicholas went in 86 and all this shit was you know if you're a sports fan it was fucking incredible and meanwhile all we're doing is we're sitting waiting for the taps to be turned on and this is how this is how secretive this fucking place is is no one had any idea when they get turned on somebody up in the clubhouse in the inner fucking catacombs of the clubhouse gives everybody the go ahead to turn on the beer taps and they can't even tell you when

they i don't know maybe 12 30 maybe one we're not sure and they don't have any advertising so it just says domestic beer regular beer the whole fucking thing is just like look we're in control all right you want an import this is import you want a domestic this is domestic what kind is it i can't disclose that i'm not allowed to tell you when when are you turning the beer on we're not allowed to tell you sir why are you being hostile you know so we're just sitting there and there's a couple of turtles outside the fucking pond there we start gambling on the turtles which one's going to go in the fucking water first then they turn on the beer and we start getting shitfaced and we're waiting for the first fucking golfers to come and then it's just like the indy

500 you just you just you just bet on golfers it's like the most elegant track you've ever been to and you just wait and they're coming through two at a time ernie ells you know kenny parry's coming through fucking Sergio valente whatever his fucking name is he's and they're just right in front of you it's the shit and you're just sitting there getting hammered betting on golfers and fucking turtles that's what i did all day sitting in the sun fucking saw two holes in one or at least the results of them i heard him hit the green oh it hits the green and i hear the crowd go crazy and look over when i see it rolling the cup and everybody goes fucking nuts um i lost a hundred bucks on the first one and won a hundred on the next one so i was even and i gotta admit to when

you sit there and all of a sudden you look and then you know tigers coming next because you got like the the whole list of golfers it's fucking unreal and you see them come over the hill all right like a fucking one of those deer hunters say 15 horned fucking deer man 20 pointer coming over the hill and i got it my such man i'm gonna shoot right the fucking head that was what it's like tiger comes over the damn hill he's wearing you just see him i can't even see him he's so far away you see a guy you see a black guy who looks like a black guy who's actually uh mostly fucking asian or whatever the hell he is i don't know what the hell he is you see some tan dude beyond the tan that a white guy can get coming over the hill with a red shirt and the fucking black pants on

you like that's fucking tiger woods and a hush just falls over the entire the entire hole like there's like 3 000 people sitting there and it's dead quiet and you just see that ball fucking just flying i saw him eagle the fucking hole i saw him eagle it i saw kim the korean dude eagle it um i think i saw did it was it ernie ells that was another thing that kind of sucked it was kind of hard to tell if it was that second or third you just knew with guys like kim and and tiger was the way they drove that it was their second shot anyways whatever it was fucking awesome and uh phil mickelson came in last because he was on the leaderboard and once he went past us i ran off the bleachers went down and actually he's the only guy i watched tee off watched him tee off

on 16 and then we grabbed our shit and we ran over to 18 and tiger had already finished but we stood there halfway down the three three quarters of the way up the 18th at at augusta and watched mickelson tee off we watched him hit his second shot and then we were we couldn't see through the crowd when he sunk the winning putt and but we stood there and i looked between a bunch of fucking blue bloods heads and i watched him put the green jacket on and get choked up when he talked about his wife and it was one of the most incredible experiences i've ever had and uh it's making me really thankful for the incredible fucking life i have and uh i hope this isn't building resentment with you guys you know if you just lay off drink it for a little bit you know you could get by one

of those badges buy a stinking badge and go next year just do one thing do one fucking thing you know i don't fucking know i don't know what i'm saying this is these are just this is just my statement that i'm not doing a podcast this week i'm not fucking doing it but i know you can you can go there it was cost me six hundred bucks i know that's a lot of fucking money i know it is but think how much money you blow each weekend in a bar all right figure out what you blow each weekend in a bar here's a good way to do it here's a nice healthy way and just just go on the wagon for a while and then just take the money that you would have spent on booze you put it into your augusta fund you know and just fucking drive there do a fucking road trip get yourself a pair of

dockers and a golf shirt all right have a nice and pressed and clean drive like a goddamn maniac both you and your buddy even if you live in seattle trade off drive all the fuck way down there go into somebody's house get debriefed walk in there act like a gentleman and get to see something that most people never get to see and what's great is there all the souvenirs they don't really sell anything on the internet so that's why you buy a ton of shit is because everybody asked you to get them some stuff and even if they don't you got you got great gifts for the rest of the year you know you can do all your christmas shopping right there you get somebody a fucking hat at the masters they're going to be psyched because no one else is going to have that fucking hat

unless they went there so there you go and that's the end of my statement for this week people 38 minute statement actually flew back this morning and uh i was i was an idiot i guess something like i was i was a little more buzzed than i thought i was and i was really tired and i got three hours sleep i'm fucking embarrassed i yelled at a cop when i drove out of the masters it was like it was really late because we stuck around to the end and it was like it was we sat through this fucking traffic and all i had to do was make a left and drive like 40 yards down the road and i could jump on the fucking highway and i was on my way and i was exhausted and i wanted to go to sleep and what ends up happening it's one of those deals where the

cops decide that everybody's going to go right we're forcing everyone right and i want to go left so i can go a cunt hair down the street and get on the highway so i got my window down like i can't go left the guy you know it could keep me going so i'm driving i know what they're doing so i get to the third cop and i see a gas station i'm just like i just want to get some gas can i get some gas guys like keep it going keep it moving and i just went what i can't get some gas just like that fucking screamed at him as i drove by because he was on foot and because i was a little drunk and i drove away and all of a sudden i couldn't feel my legs going like that i just fucking do that as a yankee in the middle of fucking georgia did i just yell at that guy clearly though was i just

obnoxious and then i was like i don't give a shit and the first left i could make i made a left and then i banged one of the most illegal fucking u-turns hybrid three point fucking turns and there were two cops sitting right there my buddy was like dude dude dude dude which is universal for there's a cop dude dude dude dude dude and i was like yeah i don't give a fuck he's like what's wrong with you i don't like a little i'm a little buzzed and i'm a control freak don't fucking tell me where i can't go i've been on that goddamn golf course every day all i wanted to do was run out of the bleachers on somebody's approaching shot on 15 and do a fucking cannonball right to that little mini lake i already had it planned out i was gonna give my badge to my buddy and tell him dude take

a walk dude what do you mean take just take a fucking walk and you'd see it in my eyes and be like all right man and you just grab our shit and you just walk away and then what i would do is i do a cannonball right to the fucking lake okay and i would immediately be a fucking legend an absolute fucking legend on the on jackass.com if there's something you know i'd be right up there with fan man that fucking kid at yankee stadium who jumped off into the into the the the the backstop netting i don't know who else that dude who ran out grabbed the football and got slammed down to the ground by the linebacker on monday night football i'd be one of those guys i'd be put on that fucking you know whacked out sports or whatever i would i would be on that shit forever

and then when they asked me when they pulled me out of there you know they went to grab my badge i wouldn't have it where's your badge i don't know it must be at the bottom of the pond they're thirsting why don't you take off your loafers and roll up your slacks and go in there and try and find it what's the worst you're gonna do to me prosecute me to the full extent of the law you know they know every big judge in the state i'd probably still be in fucking prison but i got to admit and i don't know so anyway so then i just drove the rest of the fucking way home i stopped at arby's went to bed at fucking 12 midnight had to get up at 6 30 and i got on a fucking plane i had a muffin i had m&m's and there was a baby crying the whole way and i don't give a shit i know

i never care when babies cry on planes i don't give a fuck but there was some square-headed cut in front of me who kept turning around looking at him you know i was like all right that's the career woman who hates kids i see why she's looking at him she didn't want to have kids so she's annoyed with their presence and then i see she has a wedding rink and what's what's there's only one reason to get married that's to have kids okay so i'm looking at her like she must be the worst mother ever because every time this kid cries she turns around starts looking for her mother shooting a lurks shooting her looks shaking her heads and i just want to be like you know it's a fucking baby it's a fucking baby she had a baby man it's a fucking baby it's unbelievable when i

hate when people do that shit it's like how do you not understand like you know we're in a pressurized cabin the thing doesn't debate the thing the baby doesn't out of clear its ears it's a fucking baby stupid cunt so at one point i fucking she looked and i gave her such a dirty look for fucking giving the mother a dirty look that when her fucking eyes met my eyes she looked at me like surprised at first and then realized that she was being a cunt and then she tried to play it off with this smile like yeah isn't it cute isn't it cute that the baby's crying too late i've already judged you you're a horrible mother and you're a horrible person and this ends this is the conclusion of my statement 43 minutes said that i am not doing a podcast this week i regret to

inform all of you that due to uh circumstances beyond your control um our host this week bill burr abused his body to such a fucking level that he had an inability to do a podcast this week and only had an ability to you know i should have done i in the spirit of the masters what i should have done was i should have issued an apology just like tiger woods and droned on for 45 minutes boring the shit out of you oh wait a minute i think i already did that i believe i already did that all right that's the podcast for this week uh once again i'm so sorry that i couldn't give you a podcast this week i couldn't give you some laughs um i will be coming out fucking i'll give you both barrels next week speaking of which i'm going to be at the funny bone in newport kentucky

right across the river from simpson addy and i gotta be honest with you guys i gotta i already have a new killer hour that's right i said it i said it all right maybe it's not a killer hour it's like 40 minutes out of the hour i already have 40 new fucking minutes how do you like that shit i just taped a special in december all right we're midway through april and i already can run my fucking mouth for 40 minutes with some new shit provided i'm on if i'm off i have eight new minutes that's where my act is at but i'm not gonna lie to you i talked about tiger woods for like 11 minutes the other night all of it funny crushing destroying i was so psyched but in the back of my head i'm like you realize that now after he plays the masters uh that you know

i can only tell that story for so long it's basically mid-may it's gonna be an old story it already is i'm still talking about that lady who got killed at seaworld i'm gonna give you a little preview for what i'll be talking about am i talking about my trip to church i went again by the way um went again on easter i went on easter sunday you know my girlfriend's mom wanted to go to church she didn't want to go by herself so i said all right i'll go with you we all went a little happy family i went there sat there bored shitless it was extra packed took forever to eat that piece of cardboard at the end of it whatever other offensive thing you want me to say um i don't know i literally am like sitting here i'm laying here right now and i have i'm like my eyes are

squinting like uh there's a doctor and he's like you know like i fucked up my elbow and he's like it tell me tell me does this hurt does this yeah yeah it hurt yeah right there uh i'm literally doing that right now as i'm doing this fucking podcast um i got nothing all right i had nothing for you this week and i'm the first one to tell it to you and uh oh you know what i actually did this started this podcast like six fucking times i forget if i said this but uh somebody sent me a really nasty email cursing me out because they sent me an email and i didn't answer their email and he said because you didn't answer my email i didn't go to see any of your shows in atlanta and uh i don't know if i already talked about this i apologize if i didn't uh sir i don't give

a shit all right if you if you haven't learned anything from my podcast is i really don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck if you listen to this or you don't i don't give a fuck if you go to my shows or you don't i don't give a fuck you know do i do i not want people to come to my shows of course i do do i not want people to listen to my podcast of course i don't i want to fucking i got you know i got messed up there in those double negatives i want people to come to my shows i want people to listen to my podcast but let me tell you something right now fucko i don't respond to fucking threats don't fucking threaten me or don't fucking you know try to put some sort of ominous bullshit on how you want me to fucking behave with your fucking

email i don't give a fuck about your email i get a fucking hundreds of emails every goddamn week and if i don't get to yours i don't fucking get to yours so go fuck yourself if you want to pout and not come to my show don't go to my show i don't give a fuck you sound like a cunt anyways you probably go to my show and then fucking judge it and be like oh the first eight minutes were good and then i thought for minute 12 to 17 go fuck yourself all right why don't you go stick your head through your fucking computer monitor god knows you probably still have one of those old ones you know shaped like a fucking microwave is that what you got is you work look how fast people drive on this fucking street i'm literally getting to that age yelling out the window at

kids stop driving like i did at your age there's another good character for a sketch you know krabby honest old man honest krabby old man stop treating me with the same disrespect i had from my elders when i was at your age um or maybe not shit god knows s and l could turn that into like a 15 minute sketch and then stretch it into an hour and 40 minute movie um all right there we go i burned a bridge i burned a bridge there like i was gonna get cast on that at 41 um maybe i could didn't fill harm again on old or what i perceived to be old when he got on he was probably like 34 at the time which was ancient to me and now at my age i would love to be i would love to be fucking 34 again

oh to be that age um you know i remember you know what's great about when i was a fuck when i was 34 i could run like a fucking 7 9 40 when i was 30 when i was 34 it was a very good year a fucking dog just licked the bottom of my foot it's a goddamn freak i didn't have a dog that shit on the floor or needed to go outside i did what i wanted i went down waterslides when i was 34 what's up clio how you doing you know psyched i was to see you you know i was psyched to see you because you were psyched to see me you were always psyched to see me aren't you you know my dog actually misses me comes into the bedroom at night and it fucking looks around for me then it runs into my little office area looking for me right if i'm not around who you

gonna wrestle with let me see if i can get you to moan you won't do it when you you know what you like you like that fucking frog and bugs bunny and then all of a sudden i bring you in somewhere hey clio let me see if i can get you to howl you want to go outside clio this is going to be worth it people just listen clio you want to go outside huh clio so clio hey she's getting psyched clio you want to go outside clio

clio i want her to howl come on clio you want to go outside clio would you fucking do it please clio you want to go outside you want to go outside clio oh you're fucking burning me right now clio hey fuckhead clio you want to go outside clio you know what go fuck yourself jesus christ what was that three minutes you blew it clio why won't you howl for these people

in conclusion uh there is no podcast this week i regret to inform you don't come over now don't come over now you want some food you want to go outside clio i'm gonna give one more temp clio you want to go outside clio ah jesus christ you know what this is like you know what you mean right now you know the hot chick that'll never fuck you and she just keeps giving you a glimmer of hoping to keep coming back you keep coming back whatever i still love you clio you know even though you just made me look like a fucking asshole you really did that was literally the bueller anybody anybody all right that concludes my statement that's the statement i'm sticking by it's all in the police report as

tiger woods would say uh there you go there's another thing you should do pick one of these fucking things to do and if one of you guys ends up doing something that i told you to do and you enjoy it please send me an email like a year from now if you go to the masters let me fucking know all right because i think i'm gonna go again next year that's how much fucking fun i had or go to england do some shit do something for fuck's sakes all right i'll talk to you next week