Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-13-17

Episode Date: April 14, 2017

Bill rambles about jock straps, the Bruins and the great Charlie Murphy.

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You having a good week? Are you enjoying yourself? I hope you're having a good fucking week. I hope it's going better than my week. I hope it's going better than my week. I don't know if I'll fuck it. I'll get right into it. Unfortunately, a great comedian, great friend, just one of the best people I've ever met passed away yesterday, Charlie Murphy. And I can't fucking believe it, man. I really cannot believe it. I hadn't talked to him in about a year and I had no idea that he was sick to that level. So I think it's still hitting me, man. It's unbelievable. I'm so sick of fucking hilarious great people dying.

I was actually talking with a friend of mine the other day. I was just like, dude, do hacks ever die? When was the last time somebody who truly sucked at stand-up comedy died? It's fucking unbelievable. What do hacks eat? If I had the fucking money, I swear to God, I'd get to... You know what's funny? I actually realized halfway through this that I'm still alive. So when I kind of shit on myself, somebody's got to put together the hack diet. Whatever that is, those motherfuckers live to be like 85, 90. Anyways, another just giant.

I mean, you're talking about somebody who when I met him in 2004 had already lived like four lifetimes. He had four unbelievable books from his childhood to his teenage years in early 20s, living in Brooklyn, and all this shit that he did to going into the Navy to his brother blowing up and then him getting out of the Navy and working security on the tour and then morphing into like a screenwriter, an actor. And then he gets on the Chappelle show, just was sitting around, was told to me just telling these stories of, you know, back in the day hanging out with everyone from Prince to Rick James.

You've seen all those things, stories about Whitney Houston. He just sugar-ray Leonard O.J. Simpson. He just like that sketch, which to this day I'm telling you is I think it's the greatest sketch of all time. The Charlie Murphy true Hollywood story about Rick James. And I remember him telling me afterwards, I was just like, dude, how true is that shit? And he goes, well, yeah, obviously we exaggerate. Like, you know, he didn't, when he hit me in the head, I didn't have a unity thing on my head. But he's like, yeah, he did.

They were like in the back of the limo or something. And, you know, Rick just kind of went to, he was trying to be like friendly, he was like, ah, and he kind of hit Charlie like hard enough in the head that I guess Eddie and his friends were waiting for Charlie to react because they knew how Charlie was. And Charlie kind of got mind-fucked for half a second thinking like, you know, I'd stomped the shit out of anybody who did this to me, but it's Rick James. And it kind of took him like an hour before he was like, fuck this. And, you know, obviously he didn't kick him up on a dresser,

but he did fucking rough him up a little bit in the back room. When his security came in, he did bring him over to the window and say that he was going to throw him out. They came anywhere near him. So, yeah, man, it's just really, really a sad day. And that guy was just, and he was such a great guy. I told you guys this story before, he saved my fucking ass one time. I was trying to get in shape, right? As always, as I always am.

I was living in New York City. And I started going down to Gleason's Gym out in Brooklyn, you know, because I didn't want to get all fucking, you know, I was just, Billy Reswank is I believe what I was calling myself or they were giving me shit because I just went down there in an actor performer kind of way to get in boxing shape without ever fucking, you know, getting my head kicked in. So when I told Charlie that I was going down to Gleason's Gym, he goes, I just went going, oh yeah, okay.

Okay, I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. He goes, you can be over there for about six weeks. And out of nowhere, he goes, some dude's going to come up to you and start telling you and be like, how long have you been boxing for? Really? Oh man, you're nice, man, you're nice. We had a spar some time. He goes, he's going to fucking, he's going to amp you all up to get you into the ring

so he can try out a bunch of shit that he does that he's not dumb enough to try out on a professional boxer and he's going to beat the fuck out of you. And I was just like, and he just started laughing at me. I'm like, yeah, I get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out. Dude, I'm telling you, I was like, whatever time he said, three weeks or six weeks, it was like right on the nose. I'm sitting there, you know, on the heavy bag, like the comedian slash sometimes actor

I am hitting the bag like right in this fucking black dude shredded comes over. He's like, yo man, how long have you been boxing for? It was like, it was almost like Charlie's head was on the guy's head. He said the exact same thing. Oh man, you nice man. You ought to get in the fucking ring and all this shit. And I just started laughing. I just started laughing.

I was like, I go, man, if I go fuck, I go, I'm a fucking comedian. I'm horrific. I'm not getting in this. You can try out all your new shit on me. And the guy just started laughing through his head back, laughed and then walked away. And it was so weird. I was like, that guy was going to beat the fuck out of me. So then I told it to Charlie thinking that he would be amazed that, you know, you know,

like, like, dude, I called it. What the fuck did I say? And he was just like, yeah, he's like, I told you, he did that like a million times. Like he just had this. I don't know. He had like this fucking six cents. And I tell you some of those other stories, the OJ one and the Whitney one, but I just feel like those, those were his stories to tell.

And if you wanted to share me would have. But so I can only tell you the ones I remember when we were on that Chappelle show tour, it was me, you know, Don Al, Ashley Larry and him. And Charlie was the guy who actually showed me that you could write a new hour of material in two months because I saw him do it. Cause he blew up, you know, on, on the second season with that, that Rick James story. And all of us, Don L came up with the idea for the tour. He was like, yo son, we should go out on tour, blah, blah, blah.

So, you know, we'll have Bill open up, you know, we'll bring you out. Charlie, you can host it. And then Don L would close. And I think Charlie maybe did. This is the fucking balls this guy had. I think he did maybe six shows before we did our first show. And I believe it was Dayton, Ohio. And we didn't even have an agent and Don L booked the thing.

And so we went out there. I was like the only white guy in the room in the theater. And we went out there and Charlie hosts and he went out and just went Charlie Murphy. You know, I'm Rick James bitch or something like that. Place went fucking nuts. He told like two more jokes. Brought me out and everybody's looking at me like, who the fuck is this guy? Is this one of the writers?

Is this one of the creators? Is this the agent on the tour? Nobody had any idea who the fuck I was. So I did my bullshit. Charlie came out, told another couple of jokes and then Don L closed the show. Everybody had a great time and afterwards we went into the back room. Okay. Now we're in the green room and there's like 20 people in there and we don't know anybody.

Once again, I'm the only white dude in there. Me, Don L and Charlie are sitting at this table and all of a sudden these two guys come up. I was at one guy I can't remember and just had like a fucking bag of cash from that night's gig. And he had it all banded up and just threw it on the table and it all spilled out and it was just sitting there. And I was sitting there like, what the fuck? And Don L and Charlie didn't move. So I didn't move. And I was just sitting there as the white dude like, oh, I guess this is how black people pay each other.

They have 20 complete strangers in the fucking room drinking and partying and then just a bunch of cash. I felt like we robbed a bank or something. So we sat there, I swear to God, for at least one more mob deep song or whatever the fuck was playing at that time. The thong song, I can't remember whatever it was. And finally, I forget it was either Don L or Charlie just sort of casually sat up and just took the money, put it in the bag, and then put it down by their side, which made me relax a little bit more. And I was just like, I was sitting there going like, I don't think I'm ready for this fucking tour. This is not the way you get paid at the funny bone.

So we stayed there maybe for like another half hour. And then we finally go up to get up to leave. And we're just walking out and you just feeling eyeballs on us because we got this big bed. It's just cash. And we don't go out and we get into the fucking they had rented this fucking limo for us. We got in the car and the second the car doors closed and we start driving away. Don L just goes, yo, what the fucking Charlie was just freaking out. And I just started and I was just like, just the epiphany that they were actually freaking out to it.

I had no idea you never know looking at their face. I'm sure everybody in the room knew that I was fucking uncomfortable and suffice to say after that we got ourselves an agent. And we got we got paid by check after that. It was just us in the room. And that was that infamous tour where they would always make fun. That's where that joke came from. You know, this motherfucker got five shirts. That's where that one came from because they always made fun of my clothes.

And that was that time when I was hungover. And I just didn't want to get in the car and deal with this shit. And they had taught me about the itis, which was basically when you eat like a food that's rich in flavor, but low in fucking nutrition. Your body, you end up taking a quick cat nap because your body literally has to shut everything else down to figure out how to digest what you just put in your stomach. So I was standing outside this hotel hungover as hell. And I just, oh my God, we were doing that. It used to be the it was the Chicago Zanies and then you do Mount Vernon and then St. Charles. It was this three gig run through northern Illinois.

I forget where we go. We just done Zanies and I was got too drunk. I had a fucking headache and I'm walking out trying to get fresh air going. I got to deal with these two fucking assholes all the way up to this club. It's a two hour drive then nonstop going to be fucking hammering me. I looked down the street and there was a Popeyes. And I just remember them telling me about the itis. And I said, fuck this.

And I went down there. I got a bucket of chicken biscuits with mashed potatoes, gravy, all of that shit. And I brought it into the into the fucking limo. I was like, hey guys, I got some food. Oh great. You know, and they dug in. They started eating and I didn't have one piece of it. And I swear to God, we did 20 minutes.

They were both asleep and I had they slept the entire fucking ride. I basically poisoned them temporary poison them and it worked like a goddamn charm. And I don't know. I just I had to say something about Charlie. It's still too sad to really get into the feelings of all this. But he truly was one, not only one of the most amazing just lives of anybody ever lived. He just was truly one of the best guys that that I ever met in this business. So all right, that's it.

No getting emotional on the podcast. Okay, so let's get back to the rest of this stuff here. The fucking Bruits. Finally, the first time all year, we beat the Ottawa Senators. All right, beat them when it counts. I didn't even realize they beat us all four times this year. Well, congratulations, Ottawa, capital of Canada, you know. But unfortunately, your four game winning streak came to an end right when it counted.

You know what the weirdest part of that game was was listening to loud Ottawa senator fans. You know, I actually know something I used to think that their fans were just lame, but the real reason is Ottawa is just like Washington DC, you know, it's the capital. So there's a bunch of people from all over the fucking country. So there's a bunch of Canuck fans, flames, Euler fans, all that bullshit. They're sitting there. They don't give a fuck about the Senators, you know. So it's not the people of Ottawa.

They're great people. They got a little fucking river that they freeze over. You skate to work, does not. I mean, it's like a fucking fantasy line up there. It's one of my favorite cities. I actually like it. For some reason they say Ottawa, the city that fun forgot. Well, you know what?

I always have a great time when I go there. And what a fucking great game though. Ottawa play great. I by no means think that victory means that we're going to win the series. I think it's going to, I think, you know, it's two to one. I feel like the whole series is going to kind of go like that. And it's going to get even not even chippy. I think it might get a little ugly.

Brad Marchand back from his suspension doing what he does, scoring big goals and big games. Hey, Nia, come here. I didn't know that Brad Marchand. Where are you? I never heard this nickname. Brad Marchand. They call him nose face killer. And I thought I was being so original when I called that guy on.

Fuck, that's delicious. Because he sounds like ghost face killer. I called him pot roast, pot roast face killer. Here I am on my hack. Look at that. Parallel thinking. Parallel thought. Parallel thought.

There you go. Is that what it's called? What do you know more than I do? Is that what's said behind my back? No. How you doing? I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right.

The Bruins won. I haven't been on the podcast in a while. No, you haven't. Why don't you grab a mic? Grab a microphone and come on in. Here, I'll hit pause. All right, we're back. I got the microphone and everything like that.

The lovely Nia. Hello. How the hell, how the hell you been? I know. Long time no podcast. No podcast. No, I don't think you've really been on that much since we had the little princess here. That's right.

Who's sitting here. You know what's funny is because, you know, her hair is still short and everything. And all of our friends had boys and they just gave us all their clothes. Everyone keeps thinking it's a boy. And she just came in now. She's got a little shirt on that is like a classic that looks like a 1955 Chevy pickup truck on it. So.

Yeah. So everyone, yeah, everyone thinks that she is a boy, but that's okay. She will not be defined by her gender. Right. Yes, she will put an address for God's sake. I like the little boy clothes though. I think they're so cute. Well, yeah, I mean, I don't care either way.

You know, you look good to me that kiddo. Yeah. She doesn't have to be like all frilly and princess looking. I'm not really into that anyway. What do you say it? What do you mean? Well, at some point, you mean you got to put her in some girls clothes, right? Yeah, I have plenty of girls clothes for her.

Okay. You scared me there. Okay. Why? What do you why? Why are you scared? Well, I mean, at some point you can't say ever walking around and like, you know, Pete Carroll, dockers and stuff, you know, well, no, we're not going to do that.

But like, I think. Because she's daddy's little girl. But I think little girls look cute and like little boy clothes, like the little tomboy look. I think that's cute. Hey, you know what? As long as she has clothes on and diapers clean at this point, I'm happy. Right.

I really don't care what it is. Exactly. But no. So anyways, she wore a cute little dress on Easter. Remember? Oh, yes, she did. I don't know what you meant. No, not Easter.

She went to Easter Bunny. So the Easter Bunny. Yeah. The church or anything like that. Where he then. Oh, by the way, Mia, did I tell you about that great band I saw the other night? Oh, you mean the one with Dave Elich? Yeah.

The guy I've been taking drum lessons from, you know, one of the best drummers in the world right now. Shout out to Dave Elich. That's right. He plays drums in this band called the night game and they have a new single out. If you want to check it out, it's on iTunes. It's called the outfield. And I saw them play like a quick half hour set the other night, right?

Over a capital records right across the street from that. Remember when I walked over and then had my issue? Have you talked about your issue? Your issue? I've been doing cardio like a madman. Maybe some, some readers can tweet you some advice about this. I had been cardio like a madman with like Jordan shorts on and I don't know what happened by balls.

My ball, one of them was just, I just did too much walking in one day and I had a little chafing issue on one side of the old bag there. And it did not infect my enjoyment of the band. Cause I walked like, it's like a two mile walk over there or something. Right? What are you doing? You're looking at me. You're looking at her two miles over and then two miles back and after I'd already done

an hour of cardio. So the next day I was walking like I rode a horse for like six weeks straight. But anyways, I went over and I saw the show and they have a singer, Martin Jotts amazing singer and then two killer guitarists. They say these names. Right. Uh, Kieran J. Oh, there you go.

Kalilin, Max Bernstein. And then they had a guy sitting in on base, uh, Andrew Perusi. And, uh, dude, they sounded fucking amazing. It's really like poppy type stuff, but the level of musicianship, how great they all sounded live. Um, definitely check it out. Once again, it's called, uh, the name of the band is the night game and the single is the outfield and that is out right now.

Can we talk about your chief balls? Huh? Oh, it's done. It was just, I was one and done. It was one day of uncomfortableness. Oh, you're okay now. Oh yeah. I'm good.

Okay. Cause I was suggesting that Bill get gold bombs, medicated powder, because I just felt like that was just something that you just dust on your balls a little bit. I kept saying, you know, like when those great chefs put the powdered sugar on top. Yeah. The confection sugar on it. Yeah. You do that little.

I think that's your balls a little bit to keep, but that's not for Chafik. It's not. No, that's, but I thought that's for people who have itchy balls. If you have itchy balls and they're sweaty. And so therefore it's like kind of like a culture like you're going to make bread, but it's your balls. Oh, red balls. That's disgusting.

No, this is just, uh, yeah, Chafik. You know what I mean? Gary Chafik. Um, all right. She's chiming in here. Third Mike. Um, anyways, thanks. It's funny.

Anyways. Yeah. So that is, uh, that is over. This is going to be difficult. And you know, when, you know, we got the third, I don't know, well, this is why people ask me why, you know, on Twitter, like we haven't been on the podcast in a while because I, you know, I have to, I have to watch her and she's look how happy she is. She's such a happy baby.

I'm actually psyched that she's really chill. That's what people keep saying. She's a really relaxed, happy baby, which is unbelievable considering she lives with me and I've been doing, I've been going really hard with the whole trying to be chill, right? Yeah. Doing a good job. Going really hard with the chilling. Yeah.

You always got to take it to the extreme. I know. And you said to me that day, have, did you, have you been meditating lately? That's when I know I'm getting a little up to the little precipice there. Precipice. Yeah. So I got to, uh, I got a fucking, I got to handle that type of stuff. So, um, hey, the Celtics got the number one seed, the number one, what number one seed

in the East. SEED. SEED. Like what I put in you to have that baby. Except this is like, um, this is, yes, that's a good point. The bulls are going to definitely be tough. We're not trying to look past them. Uh-huh.

And, uh, it just was a great night as far as, uh, you know, considering the tragedy of yesterday, the Bruins win, the Habs lose. Wait, but tell me what a seed is again. Just like, you know, they'll have whatever if there's 10 teams, you just ranked on the number one seed, meet you have the best record. Why do they use the word seed? You know what? I don't know.

I hope I'm saying that right. It's not. Yeah. The number one seed. Yeah. The, uh, I don't know why they call it. That is what it's positioned. What do you want to call?

So then when you get to the playoffs, you're rewarded for having your best, for having the best record when number one gets to play the lowest person that just made the playoffs. So you get to kind of go an easier way to go through the playoffs. And it's also, it kind of makes it so when you get to the later rounds that the best teams are playing in the stakes are even higher. Okay. This is to go to the NBA final. Gotcha.

This is to go to the, uh, you know, this is to win the whole damn thing, except in hockey. Hockey, of course, they do everything weird where, you know, for whatever reason, um, like Pittsburgh has to play the blue jackets. And I would have thought that, uh, I was like the capitals, I would have thought they would have got Toronto. I don't know. I don't get how they do it over there, but, uh, that's definitely hockey, but we won. We won the shit.

And, uh, sorry, I'm all distracted today. Um, I have to read some advertising. There's anything you want to give me a shit about my balls are better than it was only one of them. Good. Well, I mean, I'm glad you used what I gave you for them. And I'm also like a, uh, a, uh, I'm like a plane. You know what I mean?

Like one of those big jet planes, they can lose one engine and still fly. So I'm fine. Gotcha. You know, why was it only the one ball? I don't know why is one ball bigger than the other? Is that why it's like rubbing a little bit more? No. Is it like how, you know, women, you know, your boobs are different sizes.

No, it probably has more to be with my awful posture, my back being fucked up and one shoulder in front of the other one. I'm just a mess. I'm all from all this year as I hang it onto the anger and not stretching. I'm just a twisted up mess. But I tell you, I have been stretching. I've been going to a chiropractor and a masseuse regularly for almost like a year. And had I not done that, God knows what would have happened.

I probably would have lost a nut. I still want to know what I still need to know because I asked you and you weren't sure what a jockstrap is used for. Jockstrap is not the same as a cup. No, it's controlled. It holds all your junk, but it just has no consideration whatsoever for your ass. I've never understood them. I've never understood them.

It's sort of the male thong. And if you don't want like guy underwear lines, I don't know why your ass is all the way out. I don't know what it is. I don't know what the purpose. It's for sports, though. It's called a jockstrap. It's for jocks. Well, let's look it up.

Let's have this on my search engine. What's the deal? What's the deal with jockstrap? What's with jockstraps? Yeah. A jockstrap is also known as a jockstrap supporter or athletic supporter. It is an undergarment for supporting the male genitalia during cycling, sports, or other vigorous physical activity.

Oh, it's a sports bra for your penis. Yeah, for your junk. So it doesn't flop all over the place. Yeah. But evidently, you don't mind if your ass is hanging up. And now commonly worn as everyday underwear, fashion job straps appear in a variety of colors. Do they?

Yes, they do. Well, now you got to go image, Nia. Here you go. You want to look at some designer jockstraps? I actually really do. Let's see. Oh, there you go. Wow.

Here's one for you. That's a great ass on that guy. Oh, my God. Oh, that was like reverse Victoria's secret. That was fucking horrible. All right. Here's your answer. You got a nice ass.

But I think you have to have a nice ass if you're going to model those things, right? Yeah, it's like if nobody wants to look at, you know. The same way a woman with the flat ass and a thong is one of the worst things you could ever see. Yeah, you need a little slump in the back. You literally see, you know, like it doesn't disappear. You can see the whole thing. You can see the whole thing.

That's right. All the way to the front. Okay. Well, I got to do some sort of, I got to do a little reading out loud. And I don't want my daughter to know how dumb I am. So if you guys, I'm not kicking you out, but I'm just saying, if you want to block your ears, your muffs here. You read to her all the time.

You read great. I actually do a good job with those books. Yeah. But you know, you also ad lib throughout the entire book, kind of like the way you do advertising. Yeah. You, you don't just read for the ducklings. Yeah. Which was like this weird thing where the guys, the ducks like an absence see father.

He has like six kids with these like, all right, taking off, going to Boston Common. I'll meet you over there. He's like, I trust you. You're a good mother. And she's just like, yeah, well, you know, I am. She did everything but say, yeah, this is where I belong. And granted, the book was written in like the thirties of the forties. And then the little mermaid.

Yeah. The little mermaid you were. Yeah. That whole thing was weird. It's like she looks up, love at first sight with the prince. Yeah. He's got his own effin boat. Can't curse when she's here.

I probably already did though. You did. Huh? That's okay. That's all right. This little cutie pie girl. Curse. And I think it's hilarious.

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Miondies. Oh, I gotta get out of here for the song. Why? A lot of years. Do, do, me on D's, me on D's, wearing a nice jockstrap. Do, do, do, do, me on D's, me on D's. Your balls are fine, but your ass gets the clap because it's hanging out for the whole world to see.

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Nice.com slash burr. All right. Look at that. 38 minutes went by just like that. So that is the podcast. One last shout out. I got to tell you. Wheeler Walker, Jr.

Remember that guy? I can't say it. FUB was his song. I know I already dropped the F-bomb, but I'm trying it. I'm trying people. All right. He has a new album coming out. Wheeler Walker, Jr.'s new album, Ol' Wheeler.

Ol' Wheeler is coming out June 2nd and can be purchased now on Amazon, pre-purchase, sorry, on Amazon and on iTunes. That's my birthday. What is? Really? What? When is this album coming out? June 2nd.

That's my birthday. I always forget. I always either think it's the first, the second, or the third. Do you really? Yeah. Is that true? You're not that important to me. Oh my God.

But you know what? I used to think your birthday was on the 8th. But we're not good with dates. No, we're not. We don't do anniversaries. We're terrible. When's our, when's our, don't tell these people, but can you name our wedding anniversary? I always get confused.

So do I. It's, it's fine if we tell them. No. Okay. Something has to be, I feel like. No. Something has to be for us. That was scary.

Well, we never show pictures from it. Um. So you don't know. I do. It's either. Does it start with a one or a two? It starts with a two. But I don't know what the second number is.

This is great because now I can never get in trouble. You'll be like, you're on the road on our anniversary. It's like, what did you look it up? You don't even know what it is. I'm fairly certain that I know it. Yeah. That's it. Do you know it?

I had to think about it the other day. Obviously we know the month. But yeah, we got that going right. How does this relationship work? I don't know, but it's been going for 13 years. So obviously we're doing something right. And we have this one. You skated away from that really quickly.

Yes, I did. Yes. Let's not try to analyze this. That's not pulling any sticks out of the popsicle house here. So what's going on today? Am I watching her at all? Yes. When?

Um. When? Well, you're especially watching her later today while I get my eyelashes. All right. Cool. You want to watch the playoff hockey? The black cocks are playing tonight. There you go.

Huh? No. And also while I take a shower and try to feel human. Okay. Cool. All right. All right. That's it.

All right. That's the podcast for this Thursday. Have a great weekend. And that's it. Once again, check out all the stuff I told you to check out that I now don't have in front of me. Davey Litches Band. What the hell did I say?

Nightlife. Why am I the worst night game? Night game. Little Walker, Jr.'s new album. And was that it? Huh? Okay. That's it.

They get it. We have a baby. And yeah, that's it. That would be the podcast. I will check. No, not checking you. I'll talk to you on Monday. Have a great weekend.

You see notes. I can't say it. She's here. She's here. Could you get out of the room, please? So you can deliver your tag line? So I can deliver my tag line. All right.

There they go. The two beautiful ladies. All right. Have a great weekend, you cut. Don't you ever use it Don't let it go Nobody writes Till somebody's wrong

Nobody leak Till somebody's strong Oh, when you're lucky Till luck comes along Nobody lonely Till somebody's wrong It's you Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday Morning Podcast for Wednesday, April 15th. That's when I'm recording this anyways. And a buddy of mine tomorrow is going to help me upload this fucking thing onto my computer and then onto the GCast thing. And hopefully they did it. And if they did, you're actually listening to it, you know? And this is my new recording device. How does it sound?

Huh? Do you like this? You like it? Does this sound good? It's stereo motherfuckers. Finally, after years of you people bitching at me about the sound of my cell phone and, you know, the tapping of my computer and all that type of shit. I am 90% there to have a really great sounding podcast.

I'm going all out, you know? I'm getting a microphone. This thing has the ability that you can actually stick a cord in there, have a microphone and I'll be able to walk around like Mike Douglas when I do these. And I think it's just going to help the quality all the way around. I hope it sounds good. I hope that, you know, I listened back to a couple of these. You can literally hear the echo in my room.

Because that's the way I live my life. Very sparsely, very sparsely furnished apartment, you know? Yeah, that's how I live my life. I throw shit out all the fucking time. You know, you ever see like these people by the time they're 60 years old? You know, they're fucking sleeping on their roof because every time they went to a baseball game and it was headband day, they just took it, you know? You don't have to take that shit.

I always just say, I don't want it. And they look at me like, what do you mean you don't want it? I'm like, I don't like clutter, you know? I don't need a fucking Baltimore Ravens towel to wave in the fucking air. I don't, you know? Maybe I'll take it and I'll jerk off in the super eight later on. Oh, Bill, why? Why?

You know, it was so family friendly right up until that moment. No, I'm just saying, I don't have a lot of stuff, you know? But the stuff I have is quality and it means something to me. I've noticed something about myself. Anytime I say anything kind of sensitive, I have to say it in a gay accent to mask the fact that I feel uncomfortable opening up, you know? So anyways, let's get on with this. This is the Monday morning podcast.

I do one of these every single week unless there's a little sort of glitch with my host, which is the first time it's ever happened. So just bear with me and just go with this. I do one of these every week. I think I've earned the right to say that, all right? And I answer people's questions. People send me their list of overrated, underrated. They asked me for advice for some God knows reason.

And lately people have been sending me stories about revenge. But here's a new topic that I guess this guy was trying to say I introduced and I kind of dropped the ball on it. But I don't know, it's just pretty good. He's talking about songs that annoy him, which are basically any top 40 songs. There's just songs you hear all the time. Or maybe like, I think the topic he was talking about was annoying things in sports. And I brought up how at the Red Sox home games, they play Sweet Caroline. I believe during the seventh inning stretch, that's how much I hate that song.

I'm a huge Red Sox fan and I don't even know when they play it. I believe that's when they do it. I always just, I just turn the channel. I can't handle it. You know, I know I'm from there and I shouldn't be trashing Red Sox fans, but I don't give a shit. But if you go to Fenway Park and you start singing along to that song with your arm around your girlfriend, and you all look up in the air and you go, buh, buh, buh, buh, you're a fucking embarrassment. You're a fucking embarrassment. Stop doing that.

Isn't it bad enough that we have a mascot now for the Red Sox? You know what I mean? Maybe it's because I don't have any fucking kids, but you know, can we be men? You know, is that like against the rules now? Do you know a long time ago, I might have talked about this before, but a long time ago, back in the day, I want to say it was in the 70s. This is why the internet's great because you can look this up. I swear to God, they tried to have a mascot.

It was called the Fenway Freak. I swear to God, this is true. And the thing lasted about three days. Three days and one trip out to the bleachers. And I don't know who that poor bastard was that was inside that fucking suit, but he got pelted mercilessly with any... Now, that's back in the day when it was bat day, you actually got a bat. You got a full-sized fucking bat.

They wiped out a whole acre of rainforest for every fucking row of people. And this guy got the shit kicked out. You know, I don't even get beat up, but he, you know, it was definitely expressed that we don't need a fucking mascot, you know? This is back in the day, too, when a foul ball came into the stands, you didn't give it to a kid. You stepped on a kid to give yourself another foot of height so you could steal it from some other fucking guy. That's how it worked, you know?

Now, you know, we got to... Give it to a kid! Fuck the kid. Give it to a kid. Did he pay for his ticket? Has he paid for parking? Hasn't he gotten enough? You know, you ever realize how lucky you are as a kid?

You ever think about that shit when you were like... Remember that when you were like six years old? You just had no money. You went outside to play with no ID, no money, no keys to the house, just empty pockets, and you just fucking went outside and somehow, you know, it all worked out. Try doing that as an adult. Walk out of your house without your keys, identity, or any sort of fucking money.

And I challenge you to walk around the block away from where you live without collapsing in a full panic attack. These fucking kids, they don't know how good they got it, and they're going to get a foul ball on top of it. Fuck you. God damn it, I hate that. I don't know. I don't know if I hate kids or I hate their parents.

I don't know what it is. I like kids. You know what I like? I saw a kid the other day, this toddler. You know what's funny about toddlers? You know, when they're like two years old. You know, parents always have them like running around shirtless. They always have like that little beer belly.

It's the funniest fucking thing. I cannot not laugh when I see that shit, because what I love is they're so, like, not even self-conscious. Anybody who has a gut always sucks at him. But when you're two years old, you know, give a fuck. Just walking around. They look like little truck drivers. I just think the shit's hilarious.

So anyways, what am I talking about? So this dude was basically talking about, just talk about, you know, the new topic, maybe, is things that annoy you in sports. And for me, I mean, I picked on my own team, and I also, I think I mentioned, I can't tell if this guy was bringing it up, or if I had mentioned it before,

but I'll give him credit and agree with him, is when they have that old cop come in, and he sings God Bless America in Yankee Stadium, like I've never wanted to throw a toaster through a flat screen more when he gets up there, and he does that whole long beginning. There's a bloody ball, and a bullet, and it just fucking goes on for like 19 minutes.

It's just the worst. Yeah, I don't know. I hate that whole thing. I also hate how the Yankees play New York, New York, whether they win or lose. It just seems bizarre to me, and it was really funny the night when the Red Sox finally beat them. And hung the biggest choke in professional sports history

around their fucking necks, and the second it's over, the Red Sox are jumping all over their field, and they're playing that fucking song. Ba-ba-ba-da-da-da. Start spreading the news. Yes, everybody walks up, period. I don't know, maybe it's a tradition.

I have no idea. But speaking of which, ESPN recently did top 25 chokes of all time, and the Yankees of 2004 were nowhere on the list. They had like Greg Norman. I was really surprised by that. But I guess it's because, you know, when you dominate an entire century,

you know, eventually you're going to have a bad year. So I kind of understood it. And of course the Red Sox made the list. I think we were number seven through 18. I think we were the top 11 fucking chokes of all time. But anyway, speaking of that, did anybody watch the Masters? I actually played nine holes of golf, a par three, and I've never given a shit about golf.

I never kept score. I used to sneak into a private golf course when I was a kid with my buddy during the wintertime, you know, when it was no snow on the ground, and we would play golf, but it was more like, it was more like polo, you know. It wasn't a stroke thing. It was more like who could get the ball in the hole first.

So there was a lot of, you know, standing in front of somebody off to the side as they were shooting and you were shooting too, and he fucking slices it and it hits you in your back. You know, that kind of shit. And then you play like five holes and then, you know, give a fuck and then you just start trying to drive golf balls at the building next to the golf course.

We played golf like that. So anyways, long story short, I actually had a good time on this par three course, and I actually parred one of the holes, and I started to be like, man, I think I might want to play this fucking game. So I go fuck it. I'll watch the Masters.

I'll see what's going on. You know, I bet a little money with my good friend Keith Robinson, who he's part of my, I think he made the first row of my top 9,000 friends. And he's a man of African descent. So, you know, I'm sick of them talking about Tiger Woods and how fucking great he is and all this shit. So I call up Keith and I tell him that, you know what?

I'm willing to bet against Tiger. I'm willing to put my money on a fucking white man to beat the Tiger Woods, you know? So he goes, I'll take it. I bet 20 bucks. I picked Phil Mickelson and I beat that motherfucker by one stroke. So anyway, so I get totally into this Masters and I'm watching the end of it,

thinking it's going to be this very cool thing. It was the most unsatisfying winning of a championship I've ever experienced as a fan. Because the guy, Kenny Perry, 48 years old, he had the fucking thing won. Okay? He birdies 16. He's up by two strokes with two holes to go.

He bogies to 17th, bogies the 18th, and then loses a two round playoff. It was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. And it's like, what I really realize is golf is the worst sport to choke in because you choke in anything else. Let's take the Red Sox. The ball goes through buckters like, how long did that take?

How long did that take? Like what? Like fucking two and a half seconds? Dude, this guy, Kenny Perry, choked for like 90 minutes, an hour and a half on national television, slicing it, hooking it, going into the trap, in front of his whole fucking family. They're showing his family that dying a slow death.

His fucking wife couldn't even look at him at the end of it. It was just, it was, it was fucking horrible. I actually woke up the next day thinking about it, going, God, if he just chose a different club. I don't know, if you're a Kenny Perry fan, or you know, I feel real bad for that guy. It was one of the worst fucking things I've ever seen in my life.

So I don't think I'm ever going to watch golf again. I'm done with it, although I might start playing it and thus complete the circle of being a white man. You know, isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Cross my legs with penny loafers and start pontificating like I know how shit works as I wait to tee off. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? You know, certainly by the time I'm 50,

dressed like I'm in a Three Stooges sketch. I love how they always do it, dressed like they're in the 1920s and they wear one of those Black Panther berets but it has a pom-pom on it. Alright, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let's get back to this kid's list. This kid made a list of his top eight, which I love.

People do a top five, top three, top ten. Who does a top eight? I'll tell you who. This motherfucker. He's doing his top eight songs that just he never needs to hear again. He basically said if I were all powerful, I would begin by outlawing these things,

which I think is a great new topic, another new topic, okay? Not only do you got the things that annoy you in sports, how about what if you were a dictator and you could make laws? What would you outlaw? And this kid's just going with music, alright? Number eight, he said sweet Caroline,

as I just went off on. Number seven, Hotel California. He goes, I don't give a shit where you're living it up. You overrated pansy. He's got a lot of anger towards all these artists. Hotel California, can we admit that that song never needs to be played again? Piano Man?

Horrific song. Horrific song. You know what's the worst part of the song? I think it's in three, four, isn't it? Sing us a song here every year, man. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three. One. And everybody starts fucking rocking back and forth like they're at Oktoberfest. That's just the fucking... You know what's a great moment in a bar? And I swear to God, it's right out of a Benny Hill sketch. You ever see somebody with a beer in their hand

and they check to see what time it is and their watch is on the same hand? It's never not funny. I saw a guy, we were drinking after an L.A. King's game. And you know like when you go to make a point like, you know what the fuck, and you kind of throw your hands out to the side, he did that with a full beer in his hand

and literally just threw like, it looked like a lake of beer onto this table where there was like, you know, three women sitting out which made it even funnier, you know what I mean, because they're all just like, well, I never. Anyways, anyways, let's continue.

Number five, living on a prayer. Absolutely. I would say the entire Bon Jovi catalog, other than that wanted song. That's a guilty pleasure. It's on my fucking iPod. I'm not apologizing for it. And I actually learned how to play the beginning on the guitar.

And it made me happy. I'm such a fucking loser. All right. Number four, sweet home Alabama. That's still one that's on the fence. It's such a good fucking song, but yeah, they've really played the hell out of it. And I love how I think somebody rapped over that.

I think I talked about this before. Some rapper rapped to that sample and it's been in a couple of movies that I noticed black people kind of start bobbing their heads when that song comes on. And if you're black, you should really look up the lyrics to that song and I don't think you'd be bobbing your head.

You'd probably be shaking it. All right. Number three, Mustang Sally. Yeah, that song's for like Cougar chicks to start fucking shaking their dusty muffs to. You know, they grind up on some fucking 20-year-old kid who really wants to bang you because he's got some sort of weird issue with older women

because his mother didn't stick around. That whole Cougar scene is just the creepiest. It's every bit as creepy as the 50-year-old guy dating the fucking 18-year-old chick. That whole daddy thing going on. It's just, it's really, it's creepy. But I'm not gonna lie to you, if I was 50 and single and I could, how low would you go?

You ever think about that? Like right now, I'm 40. Gonna be 41 in June. 25. 25 is my cutoff. Maybe 24 if you listen to jazz. You seem mature. Yeah.

All I know is you can't be in college. I remember a time when I was 35. I hooked up with the 21-year-old and in the process of air quotes here, seducing her, I actually said, so what's your major? And I almost, I almost pulled the plug right there. But fortunately, my dick was running things at that point and I was able to see the mission through.

Alright, number two. Brown-eyed girl. I don't mind that song, Van Morrison. You know, maybe it's... Is that Van Morrison? You're my brown-eyed girl. Do you remember when... Oh yeah, you know, that's one of those songs

that everyone sings in a bar and it just makes you hate humanity. I'll give you that one. And his number one song is American Pie. Oh yeah. That's a song that's like really dramatic for no reason. Even though I know they're singing about Big Bopper and Richie Valens and Buddy Holly all dying,

this wasn't the guy to do the song. He just, he just really slow and... You know, Madonna did a cover of that song. Talk about, you know, two horrific worlds colliding. I'll tell you this, if I could... If I could pick my top... I'll just give you my top three.

Number three is the entire Beyoncé catalog. And that includes all of her work with Destiny's Child. I think she's a beautiful woman. She's a great dancer. But she cannot sing. I think she's singing too high. And then it's just... Ugh, those fucking...

I haven't heard hooks like that since the last time J-Lo had a fucking album out. Remember that song she had out and they just kept playing that saxophone over and over again? And you just wanted to fucking smash your glass into the person next to you? Like, they like punish you with the music. That's what like Beyoncé songs are like.

I don't get it. Like Beyoncé, sing as high as you can and then sing the same thing over and over and over and over and over again. Maybe like 20 minutes later. Maybe like 20 minutes later. 20 minutes later. Ugh.

All her beauty goes down the fucking drain the second she starts singing. Jesus, I'm in a mood. So all her entire catalog... Anything by Kiss. And I'm going to pause here to let everybody be like, oh Jesus Christ, Kiss? Come on man, this guy's Detroit Rock City?

It all sucks. It's horrific and you can take fucking Bob Seeger with him. There's white music coming out of Detroit. I'm telling you. And the number one would be Thin Lizzy, The Boys Are Back In Town. And there should be like a contest. Like just see how long you can listen to that song.

It's like they're just singing about these fucking this group of douchebags that just like thinks they're badasses I guess, you know? Haven't I talked about this before? I can't even fucking remember if someone needs podcasts. They got the boys are back in town and they got that hope that if the boys want to fight you better let them.

Really? Or else what? You know? Man, look at that chick slap Johnny in the face. Man, we fell about the place. You know, like everyone's just sitting around this town waiting for these fucking douchebags to show back up. You know, come back into town, you know? Oh fuck, the boys are back in town.

Hide the women. These fucking nerds are back in town and if they want to fight you better let them. Whoever wrote that song should seriously consider killing themselves. You know? It's right up there with Woodrow Wilson pushing through the Federal Reserve Act.

That's number one and number two is whoever wrote the boys are back in town. That's how I see that shit. Alright, so let's move on here. Let's get on with the podcast. What do we got here? What do we got here? Alright, this here is not really a revenge story.

This is actually, dare I say, kind of clever what this guy did to fuck somebody over. He, this is what he did. He took a, I don't know a lot of this computer stuff so I'm going to try to read this slowly and God knows we all know I suck at reading out loud at this point. Alright. He says, I took a,

basically what I did was I took a screen capture of my friend's desktop when he left his computer unattended which basically means he took a picture of the guy's desktop. I guess he didn't have anything on the screen. He just took a picture of it. He then hid all his desktop icons

and set the background as the screen capture I just took. So basically it looks like all his, all the folders and icons are still there but they're not. So when the dude comes back he will be clicking till his fucking mouth starts smoking and nothing will happen. I mean come on man, you got to give this guy an A for effort.

That's pretty, I think that's kind of ingenious. So anyways, I guess this is how it plays out. He goes, I waited for the guy to return to see his reaction. He goes, I stood off in the distance like a fucking stalker. He goes, at first I could see the really confused look on his face but it very quickly turned to frustration and then anger.

He began mumbling shit like this fucking piece of shit and it escalated to him pretty much yelling and saying, I'm going to smash this motherfucker. He goes, I couldn't believe it. He was pounding the keyboard and slamming the mouse. I was laughing so hard that snot was coming out of my nose. So the dude concluded that he had a virus so he took the computer to the IT department.

They figured it out in five minutes and told him he's an asshole. What do you think? Did I do good or am I the douchebag of the week? Nah dude, you did great. That's fucking hilarious. That's a great idea. I wish I knew something about computers.

I would try that on somebody. Nah, you're not a douche. I don't know if you came up with that but that's pretty ingenious. So I give you a thumbs up on that one and everybody at work, go ahead. Go try that on your boss. No, don't do it to your boss.

Because someone will end up ratting you out. And eventually, even if they didn't rat you out they could figure out that you were the one who did it because you would be doing that. You know that laughing you did in school when you were a kid and you weren't allowed to laugh and you could hold your nose so you'd start making those duck noises

that usually gives away that you're the one who fucking did it. Alright. Let's get on with revenge stories. Before I get on with the revenge stories some woman was letting me know why females are better at revenge than guys and she wrote a pretty interesting thing here. She says, because I guess I was asking

on my podcast a couple weeks ago how come is revenge only a guy thing? How come I'm not hearing from women? And believe me, if you hear the stories this week I really opened the floodgates because the women, the ladies they came in strong this week.

So before I read all the women revenge stories here this woman has a little preamble setup she gives me. She goes, Bill, you've only read one revenge story from a female and I'll tell you why. Guys are idiotic and deal with anger so stupidly.

Is stupidly a word? Isn't it guys are idiotic and they deal with their anger in a stupid way? I don't know. I'm too fucking stupid to know but that would be hilarious if stupidly is not a word because you just made yourself look like an ass. And if you didn't, I apologize.

Let me continue. Fucking up someone's car is pathetic. This kind of revenge is temporary. Doing something like that would just make someone think of you and then they'll move on with their lives. Women can and will remember minute details and situations

that guys will forget. When we want to know, when we know how someone works we know how to use it against them. Physical is temporary. Psychological is permanent. Women can do the most damage with the least effort.

We don't aim to screw someone over or to do something to piss someone off. We aim for resentment. It's powerful because it places you in a higher status. And when someone resents you it's most likely that you have something that they don't and that you are just better than them in some way.

So my point is that lashing out at someone is stupid. It only makes you feel better and doesn't really have or accomplish much long time effect on the other. All right. Now I want to tell you something, guys. That paragraph right there is why I've never gotten married

because I didn't realize that women have that, you know, they got that in them. You know that expression hell half no fury like a woman scorned. That's the deal. It's this weird thing that when they're dating you

and they want to know everything about you it's this odd thing where half of it is so they can love the whole you and the other half is like it's collateral in case the thing goes bad they have all this fucked up information against you.

So I don't know. That was pretty chilling to read that and I don't agree with their definition of resentment saying that it means that you have something that they don't or that you are just better than them in some way. I don't think they resent you

because you fucked them over. You know, not because you drive a better car. Right? I don't know. Why don't I shut the fuck up and read the first revenge story? This is all from women this week and I got to tell you something they really take it to the next level

and let's just get on with this. This one I'm not going to tell the street. There's a couple of names and street names in here. I don't want to get anybody in trouble. So here we go. This story is actually not mine but I was a participant.

You know what? I'm going to say the names because I'm not going to try to fuck or remember fake names. I'm just not going to say the name of the street. Right after I graduated from college I moved to, okay I can't say that my roommates were still college students and sometimes they're friends which were also my friends.

We all went to the same college. They'd stay over. One of our friends, Jess who still lived in the dorm was having problems with her roommate Gail. Her roommate knew she had an eating disorder and was spreading rumors about her writing things on her mirror

like you're fat. We let Jess stay in our apartment and we started to plot revenge. One of the things we did was crank call Gail. So in case you got lost in that I guess Jess is the anorexic one and Gail is the cunt.

Okay, let's continue on. One of the things we did was crank call Gail. We used the voice from my roommate's Mac computer and typed out some evil shit. This definitely made Jess feel better and I guess inspired her to pull the ultimate revenge. Jess was a teen model

before she went to college. This is the anorexic girl. While in college, she worked at a high-scale salon on something-something street. Shortly after we crank called Gail Jess ran into Gail's boyfriend after work.

According to Jess, she brought Gail's boyfriend back to her dorm room, fucked him in Gail's bed and then called Gail right after to tell her all the details. Jess ended up staying in our apartment the rest of the semester

and bought us a $200 bottle of champagne to celebrate the act of revenge. At the time, I thought Gail got what she deserved but in hindsight it made me realize that women are evil manipulative bitches. Yes, many women hate being called fat

but it never ceases to amaze me that what women will do when there's other women to get back at them. Wow. You know what I mean? I need to take it to that level. I don't know who deserved what in that story

but I think the real winner is Gail's boyfriend. You know, you ever wonder if any girl was fucking you out of revenge just to get somebody back? I don't think that's ever happened to me. I don't live that exciting a life but I can't imagine

what do you say is the guy? Is she sitting there banging you? Yeah, that'll show her. Flip over and I'll bust it on your face. You really taught her a lesson. Hey, anytime you want to teach her a lesson again just let me know.

I'm really down with you. I understand your point here but I can't justify. Really make, really drive the point home if you let me bang you again. If you really want to get the ultimate revenge you let me put it in your ass.

I'm just throwing these ideas out there. This is your world. I'm just here to help. That's revenge story number one. You know what it is? It's not that she fucked the girl's boyfriend she called him up called her up and told her about it.

That's one of the advantages of women is for the most part they don't have to worry about the other woman coming over and just beating the shit out of her because there's a guy if you ever tried to get back another guy and you banged his girlfriend you'd never call the dude

because I don't even care if you could beat the guy in a fight on a normal basis. You know what I'm saying? I think he'd still win. Does that make any sense? Let me plow ahead. Let me get through these here. Hey Bill, here's my story of revenge.

Everybody knows that women hate other women and I have a great story about women's revenge. I was roommates with two other women in college. One was very average looking and one was very beautiful. The type of beautiful that makes all the other girls

around her hate her. She got whatever she wanted throughout her life because of it. Guys, money, grades, you name it. And she was a bitch. She used everyone around her and was never said no to. So I was casually dating a guy

and brought him back to my house and both my roommates were there. We hung out with them for a while and everything was cool. I didn't notice anything unusual. A few weeks later I hear from a mutual friend that my roommate, I guess the hot one, was out with my guy. I was casually interrogating my guy.

He finally spills his guts and tells me the truth. I would have loved to have seen that. Guys are the worst liars ever. No, I wasn't doing anything. Fucking 12 seconds later. All right, all right, you got me. I was fucking her.

Anyways, he goes, the hot girl had bumped into her boyfriend on campus one day and I guess they hit it off and started seeing each other naturally. I dump his ass but I'm so much more pissed at her.

I kind of read that weird so it's her boyfriend. Okay, so anyways, I come up with a brilliant plan to get my revenge on her and enlisted my other roommates for help. She agrees because all average girls secretly hate pretty girls. This is really eye-opening

about the psycho inner worlds of women. This is like an HBO undercover. So anyways, here's that revenge. We had an advantage because the hot girl, she drank a lot and we get ripped almost every other night

and I mean really, really ripped. We'd wait until she got, we waited until she got loaded one night and it was the most wasted I've ever seen her. It was like all the stars were in line for our plan. She had beautiful long corn silk hair.

Uh oh, here we go. She had beautiful long corn silk hair. It was straight off the ass of a golden retriever. I bought two boxes of black hair dye and after she passes out, we start in. I really wanted to make

a statement. So I part her hair down the middle and only dye half of her head. Jesus Christ. After I start, I turn into this crazy dye hungry freak. I couldn't stop myself. I started dyeing any part of her body

that I could find. I did her eyebrows, the peach fuzz on her chin and lip, her fingers and her arms. I'm embarrassed to say that we even dyed a lightning bolt in her pubic hair. The funny part was that she kept

waking up telling us to leave her alone but we kept going. Jesus, this sounds like a fucking date rape story. It's just that it's women so I guess is it still funny? Anybody else getting creeped out here? Let's continue here. Of course, we were too lazy to wash it out

so we just go to sleep and leave the black hair dye on our roommate for about seven hours. I wake up the next day to her in a towel. Her hair was soaking wet and she was beating the shit out of me with a shampoo bottle. It was fucking hysterical.

The dye had stained her skin along with her hair so she had dark brown patches all over her face and body. She looked like the bastard child of Cruella de Vil and Richard Greco. I don't know who that is. I was so proud of my work.

You would think that I got my revenge but this is a story about her revenge on me. This is a fucking long one here. It's a plot twist. She actually called the cops and they fucking came and arrested my roommate and me. The evidence was stacked against us because our hands and arms were

also stained with black hair dye. Her bed where the crime was committed was covered in black dye. It looked like an octopus had been raped in there. She tried to charge us with sexual assault pubic hair lightning bolt.

Yeah, you know, you pull somebody's pants down and start dyeing their genitals or at least the area. Yeah, you're gonna get in trouble. So anyways, after spending all day in the police station we were finally let out and the charges were dropped. When we got back to the house we were greeted by campus security

and our parents were there too. Trying to explain to your dad why you dyed some other girls' pubic hair not fun. The fucking bitch got us kicked out of the house and we put on strict probation. It was a big deal. We almost literally almost got kicked out of school. The worst part was when we were moving

out of the house about a week later she shows up with my ex-boyfriend and she looks amazing. She had dyed the rest of her hair black and cut it in this cute short bob style and waxed off all the body hair. She was as beautiful as ever

and then she writes in capital letters, cunt. I felt like such an ass like there was no way to get back at this bitch. I guess my life isn't over so someday I will get her back. I'll make sure to fill you in. Okay, well I know you haven't asked my advice

but I think you should just let that one go there, sweetheart. I think you know, sometimes you just gotta say fuck it. Isn't that unbelievable? Like reverse that and if you

if you did that as a guy if you did that same thing as a guy you would literally be in a prison shower right now with half a mop handle trying to fight off five rapists. But if, you know, you have a vagina

you just get kicked out of your house it's fucking incredible. I used to do a bit about that shit how having a vagina just keeps you out of jail. You know? Like, give it to me like when a mob boss gets arrested. You know, they never take the wife.

You know, like she doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Oh, I just thought he was a baker. I thought he was really, really good cookies and that's why I had twenty furs and lived in a mansion. You know what the fuck he was doing.

And you spend all that blood money and you don't end up fucking going to jail. There's something about it like they just don't, like remember that movie Monsters Ball not Monsters Ball, the monster where they literally turned a serial killer into this sympathetic

fucking person. Yeah, you had a rough childhood. You know? You got molested. You know, who didn't? Go write some fucking jokes. You don't get a gun and start shooting fucking people. And if you do, you go to jail.

That movie was the worst fucking movie ever with those cartoon character male characters that they had in that. Did you remember that part where she goes into apply for the law office job or something? She comes in there looking like this strung off hooker and somehow

she's not ushered right out of the fucking office. She actually gets into the lawyer's office and he's just like, let me tell you something you fucking skank. He's like this over the top. I really hated that fucking movie. And I hate when

beautiful actresses don't wear makeup and then everybody falls all over themselves and talks about how brave it is. It was so brave. It was so brave. Let's continue on here. Alright, let me read the last one here. Bill, for the past two weeks

I've made my girlfriend listen to your podcast. Incidentally, she loves it. This past week she told me about how she got revenge on her ex-boyfriend. Oh, this one is brutal. And it's very there's no fat on this one. This one's great because she doesn't get caught.

There's nothing. You know, I don't want to ruin it here, but just listen to this. After that messy breakup she logged onto their shared jet blue account. You know, they're going out. You know, I evidently, they're taking trips. So they got this jet blue account and evidently they both had the password. So she logs on to it

and she saw that the douchebag and his new girlfriend had booked a vacation. Well, the morning of their scheduled trip on the morning of their scheduled trip she logged on and cancelled the flight. Can you imagine what a pain in the ass

that must have been for them? Anyway, she never saw any activity on the count again. I thought that this was pretty funny. A lot more subtler than keying someone's car like a little bitch and whatever and whatever that other moron wait, I'm reading this one and whatever that other moron girl did

on the other week's podcast. Wow, man. That is dirty pool right there. If the guy cheated on you yeah, I can see that, but if you just had a messy breakup that's that's vindictive. That's really that's fucked up. A lot of these things are really

really fucked up. You know? That dying that girl's pubic care, that's really you need a hobby at that point. Alright, why don't I stop judging people. I asked for your fucking revenge stories and now I'm judging you. Alright,

whatever. Let's get to overrated, underrated. Uh, overrated. Karaoke. Hate it. Terrible song sung by people who can't sing which are usually fat chicks and gay guys. And the off chance that you and your drunk friends

find yourself at a karaoke bar singing 80's hair metal songs, there's always those douche bags that interrupt the fun with a serious gay country song. You know what I love about this guy? He says karaoke's overrated like people actually love it. Okay? Then he says that it sucks

and then in the middle of it, he admits doing it. But evidently when he and his douche bag friends go up there and they're doing 80's hair metal songs, that's totally fine. You know? But when someone comes up to sing a country song

they're gay. Dude, I hate to tell you this but you're part of the fucking problem. Um, actually, you know what? Actually, if you sing an 80's hair metal song on a karaoke thing I'm gonna laugh my ass off and I like that better. Just as long as someone doesn't go, what are the fucking tunes

those chicks always end up singing? Uh, what does that song say about losing his virginity? That oh what a night? That song, late December back in 63. For some reason women love that fucking song and there's just nothing worse

than the female voice, like 12 of them all singing in a really high voice. It's like a car alarm going off. Alright. I think we're done for the week. What are we up to? 42 minutes. Alright. Ask Bill.

Is this podcast petering out here? I think I'm doing too much reading and not telling enough stories. Alright, let's read this one here. Okay, Bill. I'm almost 26 and a bunch of my friends still love going to the clubs at night and on weekends. Uh,

now I'm not sure if I'm getting too old for it or if I just can't stand people but I absolutely hate going to these places. I know as a guy I'm supposed to go in there and get girls but I just can't take it anymore. No matter which place it is it always feels like you should get a mandatory penicillin shot when you leave

because a group of sweaty, skanky people crammed into a room grinding to crappy techno music is just disgusting. That combined with the guys with the Sonic the Hedgehog haircut just drives me crazy. Especially when they're the ones getting all the girls.

Um, is it me or are these places truly horrific and at what stage uh, at what age were you officially the old fuck at the club? Um, alright. Alright dude, no. You're being too hard

on yourself. First of all, you're only 26 years old. You're in the prime of your life. You should be going out talking to women. You're just doing it in a bar that's not you. You know what I mean? Like basically everybody's a douchebag okay but you gotta hang out with the same

kind of douchebag so you feel comfortable. You know what I mean? Like me, I'm a loner psycho douchebag so I used to hang out in dive bars and uh, who the fuck am I kidding? I don't think I ever picked up a girl in a bar. I always met them at gyms.

I met them on the subway a lot in New York. Um, I, I, I meet them when they're not ready. You know, like women don't have their guard up sometimes. Like, on the train they have their guard up to get mugged, not to be

hit on. I guess. I don't know. Maybe I just felt like, you know, I never did well in those singles bars. Like, you know, it's almost like as a comedian. Someone goes, you're a comedian. Alright, say something funny. It's just like you've ruined the moment so I would, I would still go out

just find, uh, you know, find, find the right place to hang out. You can't hang it up at 26. Unless you live in the middle of Kansas, then you might as well fucking read a Bible and knock up some broad and have eight kids and vote for a fucking

retard over and over again for eight fucking years. Okay, that was a little mean. Alright, uh, question of the week. Uh, Bill, I was wondering how you handled two shows in one night. I was part of the late crowd tonight and you killed. What was,

was it the same scenario in the earlier show where the jokes that bombed that you skipped on the second show? Uh, no. You know, if it bombed, I'm too stubborn. I'm going to keep doing it. But, um, doing two shows in one night,

I try to switch it up. You know, I just don't want the wait staff and everybody to know exactly how my act's going to go. Um, because that's a big thing on the second show and your three, three days into your work,

and your three, three days into your weekend gig, if, uh, you see like the waitresses smiling and stuff and laughing as they're bringing drinks over the table. That's like one of the best compliments you can get because, uh, nobody sees more comedy or

listens to more comedy than comedy club waitresses. Because as a comedian, if I see a comic and I don't like what he's doing, I can walk out of the room. But as a, as a waitress, you have to, you gotta keep going back in, you know? And, uh, so if you can get the, you know,

so they get jaded really quickly as far as like what's funny to them. So, um, I don't know if I answered your question, but no, I don't really see, I know what I'm going to start with, and I know what I'm going to finish with. I don't really know what's going to be in the middle. But I definitely switch up the jokes

just so I don't feel like, like that groundhog day thing where everything's the same. So, uh, alright, there's that. Alright, Bill, I've been listening to your podcasts and I watched you perform because it's nice to hear someone use the word cunt every five minutes. You don't seem to curse as much

when you're performing, but you're getting to be like, uh, some of the other dirty comics out there on your podcast. I think it's quite hilarious how you use the word to describe anyone that's pissing you off through unnecessary, though unnecessary most of the time.

Um, in addition, oh wait a minute, I already read this, I already read this, didn't I? This is this lady asked me about St. Patrick's Day. That was from Cleveland. I already read that. Alright, so I guess that is the end of the podcast for this week. Um, please give me the feedback. What do you think about the new, uh, the new stereo sound?

I know I need to make some adjustments. I know I might have been too close to it a couple of times. And I know that there's like an echo in the room now and, uh, I'll put some empty egg shell crates on the fucking side of my walls, but whatever. So, uh, so that's the deal.

Um, just to let you know, uh, my upcoming gigs, I'm going to be at Iowa State this weekend, April 18th, and that is a private show. That show is only for the students of Iowa State. You need a student ID

to get into the show. Or if you kind of look young and you have a baseball cap, maybe you can sneak your way in. But you didn't hear that from me. Um, the following weekend I'm going to be at the funny bone in Columbus, and the weekend after that

I'm going to be at Carolines in New York City. Um, young Joda Rosa will be, uh, opening for me on both of those shows. And then if you'll notice on my, uh, my website, I had to blow out a number of dates. Tempe, Ireland,

Cleveland, and Atlanta are all being rescheduled. And I can't really tell you why as of yet. I'm going to leave you hanging. How do you like that? Huh? Like one of those old fucking Batman and Robbins

when they're stuck in a machine and they're going to fucking die and you got to wait till next week? Yeah, I can't really tell you. I can't, actually I can't tell you for a minute. I kind of, uh, something may or may not be going on and I needed to free up my schedule and at some point

actually in June I'll be able to let you know. So that's the deal. That's the Monday morning podcast and if you like this, the device I'm using is the Olympus LS10. This fucking thing is, uh,

it's pretty incredible. And I'm going to have my own mic next week and me and Joe DeRosa are going to be continuing our Uninformed show as a podcast on the, uh, MySpace.com slash Uninformed Radio and we're going to be using this device with a couple of microphones

and I think we're going to be doing an episode next week and we're going to put it up there and it's going to sound lovely and that's it and now I feel like I'm boring you. So that's it everybody, thanks for listening and please keep the questions coming and feel free to keep sending me,

you know, things from past topics and if you want to do them for the, uh, the new ones songs of your top fucking, your top eight songs that annoy you and shit in, that fuck shit. All right, that's it. Everybody have a good one.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. It's in my mind that you use it. It comes and it goes. It's in the way that you use it. Oh, don't you know that if you lie, you will lose it.

Feelings will show. Don't you ever use it. Don't let it go. I've seen dark skies never like this. Walk on some thin ice never like this. I've told you I'm lying

never like this. Felt into true eyes never like this. It's in the way that you use it. Oh, don't you know Don't you ever use it. Don't let it go. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you ever use it.