Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-14-16

Episode Date: April 15, 2016

Bill rambles about flip phones, spaghetti and heroin once a month.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you today. Hey, what's going on? How are you? It's really Thursday afternoon. I forgot it was Thursday. I've been so fucking busy doing something that I'm not allowed to announce yet. Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, for whatever fucking reason. And my phone shit the bed, my phone shit the bed, my fucking red, my phone shit the bed. And so I had to go over to Verizon and see what the fuck was wrong with it. Turns out when I went to Oh, Canada, none of our teams are in the playoffs, but we still have syrup. Let's all start a fucking riot when

I went up there. I didn't have a cell phone plan. So Verizon just decided out of the fucking blue to, um, I don't know, just put some sort of block on the thing. So I wouldn't get some sort of extra charges, which I had already resigned myself to getting. I'm just like, fuck it. I'm not getting the plan. I'm up here for three, four days. I'll have a big cell phone bill. What do I give a fuck? I don't give a shit. You want me to write some numbers on a piece of paper, then you stick it in the thing and then the numbers show up on the screen. I mean, that's how much what money means to me at this fucking point. It's just like, well, what do you want me to write on the little piece of paper? Who gives a

fuck when we put a smiley face in the zeros? That's all we're doing. None of us has anything of value. We just got a bunch of stuff in a fucking house. Oh Jesus, Bill, you going down this, I am, I am going down this road. How many people do you know have anything of a fucking piece of silver, some gold, whatever happened to us? We used to be gentlemen. All right, our winches stayed home. We rode around on a donkey with our curly cute mustaches. We had a little satchel of fucking gold or some shit, right? Then some bandits would come along and they take it from you, right? All dressed in green with their fucking, you know, leotards on all that Robin Hood shit, right? And there was some brought up in the

tower. All of that is gone. It's all gone now. Now you work all week to give you a little piece of paper. It's got some numbers on it. You stick it into the ATM and then the numbers show up, right? Somebody goes, Hey, you owe me some money. All right, I'll write some numbers on a piece of paper. You go, all right, thank you. You know, it all works until it doesn't and then what are you just going to have a, you're not going to have anything. So anyways, yeah, so I don't give a fuck. What do I have a big cell phone bill? What do I give a shit if it's more numbers on a piece of paper? It's not, I don't know. I guess at the end of the day it is worth something, but I just, I don't give a shit about a high cell phone

bill and I don't give a shit about sky miles. I just don't give a fuck. You know what I mean? You know, like when you have some miles with somebody and they go, Oh, you better use these, you better use, Oh, they're going to expire. I always call them up. Yeah. Yeah. I want you to know you can keep them. I don't need your fucking miles. All right, take them now. I don't give a shit. Stop threatening me with your stupid fucking miles. If I need a plane ticket, I'll buy one. Anything to not have to go into your fucking website and figure out where I can fly with my so-called free miles. I already paid for them. They're not free. You cunts. Oh God, I'm in a mood. So anyway, so my phone didn't fucking work.

So whatever. So I went up there and they put a block on it. So I wouldn't have to write. A bigger number on a piece of paper and send it to them so they could stick it in their ATM machine. And when I came back, it was still blocked. So I went over to the Verizon place, turned out the person to help me out was a fucking listener. Right. And he's trying to help me fix the phone. And what's killing me is his company did the thing to my phone that's now made my phone fucked up and they can't figure out how to undo it. And you know, I tried as long as I could to keep my cool. I didn't flip out that, but I dropped a couple of F bombs. I'm glad he told me that, you know, he was a listener of the podcast because,

you know, if he didn't say that, then I just would have been, you know, I wouldn't have been on my best behavior. And I would have said fuck a lot more. It took me two trips over there. Because then they were like, all right, well, I think we fixed it. This is like an hour later. I think we fixed it. And it should, you know, reboot by tomorrow morning. So I was like, I find, you know, I get back to the office. I can't fucking, you know, I go to text my lovely wife. It's not going through. I'm like, what the fuck. So I so I'll maybe I'll call her because I wanted to take the the capitals against the fucking flyers. I wanted to tape the game, you know, and I went to call up and it just I called her number and it just goes

welcome to Verizon. Please enter your last four digits of your social security number. Please enter this by pressing one, you agree to a two year contract with Verizon. If you come out early, we will you'll always upon I'm like, what the fuck is this? So I had to end up having to go back to the fucking place. And this other guy got on it, he figured out what the fuck was wrong with it. So now my phone is fine. So I've just I've had one of those fucking days. So when I was in there, I was just thinking, you know, and I was just like, you know, I can't listen to my music. And they were like, Oh, that's because it's on the cloud. And I was like, I never wanted to be on the cloud. I don't want to be on that fucking thing. I don't want you guys seeing what the fuck

I'm doing. Leave me alone. I keep opting out of that fucking thing. But every time I reboot my phone, it just fucking automatically starts back up or some shit, you fucking nosy, nerdy cunts. They always sit like Acton like to do when you were fucking favor, you know, someone was telling me that that that shit about them sharing your private information, I which I've said, the entire fucking time that they should get your permission first. And certainly if they go and resell it, you want to get a cut of it, right? I mean, it's your personal information too. They act as a broker. Shouldn't you get a fee? I guess that's in the Supreme Court. That's what somebody told me who wasn't a lawyer. And I can't even remember who it was. So anyway, so as I'm sitting there is

time, it's time's going by, I started looking at the flip phones. And I was like, Oh, man, I love these things. Flip phones were great, you know, a little fucking size of a hockey, but not even the size of a hockey puck right in your pocket, you know what I mean? But what killed me was they all had a camera on them, which I don't fucking like. And I didn't have time to ask the guys, and we do just have a flip phone that has no fucking camera on it. And maybe I'll go back to this. And I asked the other guy asked the other guy, these are all young guys, right? Born in the 90s, right? So I'm like, do they still sell iPods? And he's like, Yeah, Apple store, Best Buy or whatever. So I say, fuck it, I'll just put all my music on the fucking my iPod, right? And then I'll just get one of these

flip phones. And I was really trying to think what the fuck I would be missing out on, it would take me longer to text, my pictures wouldn't be as good, who gives a fuck, my video wouldn't be as good, who gives a fuck. And you know what the deal breaker was, the GPS system. I don't want to go back to having a Tom, I still have a Thomas guide, my fucking Prius. I don't want to have to go back to looking up shit. I mean, as much as I would like to use my brain to do that again, out of all the things that they've made easier. I think, you know, I got to give it up as much as as a curmudgeon that I am. The the fucking thing telling you where to go is great. You know, even though I've probably already pitched about it on the podcast. And that was sort of the deal breaker. I was like,

Well, I got I got to have one of those, right? I at least got to have that. I don't want to go back to looking at fucking maps and shit. You know, although I could figure it out most of it. I don't know. I think what would end up happening is not the social aspect of it would be the business aspect. I don't do the Uber thing. So I wouldn't be missing out on that. And I don't fucking order food that way. Do I? No, I don't. I don't even know what the fuck I have it for. Is this still a podcast? Is it just me just fucking? Well, I've always babbled. Anyways. Yeah, I've had a fucking brutal week, man. I lost my fucking shit. Like my temper has never been worse. It's never been worse. I need to I need to fucking relax. I was working all day and all I wanted was some spaghetti

and meatballs. They got this fucking Italian joint, they make the homemade noodles, the meatballs are fucking damn good, you know, and I just went I craving for it. I'm like, I'm fucking getting that, right? So I get home. And I say to my lovely wife, I go, hey, can you can you fucking hit the app thing that gets the person to go pick up your food? And once again, you know, once again, have faith that this person outside of the food industry is not going to do anything to this food. You know, if you've seen that thing, the guy in the fucking elevator eating some shit off the top of the pizza. And of course, we call the restaurant, they don't do it post made it. Can you postmate the fucking thing? And they're like, oh, we don't do that over here. We're a real restaurant. So like,

all right, well, for we put in the order, my wife wanted some white fish, I'm going to get the spaghetti. So I fucking drive over there. And jam packed with people I go, yeah, hey, I'm picking up order. She goes, Oh, is that for the spaghetti and the white fish? I was like, yeah, well, she's like, oh, we ran out of fish. So I didn't put it in. Did you still want the spaghetti? And I swear to God, man. It's like, we fucking called 10 minutes ago. It took you 10 minutes to figure out you were out of fish. I just said, you know what, hang on a second, because I knew I was going to snap. And I just walked out of the restaurant. And the second I got outside, I just started cocksucking motherfucking the fuck is taking fucking fucking fucking fucking flipping out,

right? Wasn't screaming, just that type of shit, right? Far away, you think I was speaking German, I just, I was cocksucking motherfucking, right? And I heard these two people, those people are eating outside. They started laughing at me, right? And I didn't give a shit. I just fucking then got my Prius and just glide it away, just made a complete and utter fucking fool of myself, complete and utter fucking fool of myself. And, you know, I go through these great periods, it's almost like my cigar smoking, I just go through this great periods where I'm just not, I got it under control, I got it under control, and then it just slowly, you know, spins out of control. And right now, you know, I'm not smoking a lot. I'm drinking a little bit, but nothing

crazy. I think I have everything under control and just something has to something's got to give, you know what I mean? It's like you give up smoking, you eat like a fucking pig. You know, I don't know, you start working out, there's always something just got to balance it out at least these fucking people that are nothing but do gooders. I mean, I don't know, maybe they're robots, I don't know what what they are, maybe they just never exposed themselves to fun shit. But for the love of God, I can't do it. I cannot 100% just be a decent human being. I don't think it's, I don't think it's possible. I have too much free time. Maybe that's what it is. Or maybe I'm just a piece of shit and I'm looking for an excuse. I don't fucking know. But anyways,

I haven't been able to work out as much as I want to. I think that burns off a lot of the bullshit. But anyway, speaking of which, the gym, the gym, the gym, the gym's getting, I get the floor put in Friday. It's a three day process. This epoxy floor, it's sort of the, they call it a lot, the lava flow. It's really fucking cool looking, or it's going to look out of style in fucking three days. I don't know what, but I did go with the gray was sort of a black, blackish tinge to it. So I, I nice muted fucking color. And Nia told me to get a mirror in there, you know, because she wants to look at her form when she's doing whatever the hell she's doing. I don't know what she's going to be doing. She wants to look at her form. I don't use gyms for my form.

I just mirrors, I should say, I never use those for my form. I wait till after I'm done lifting. And then I use the mirror to flex and I just walk over and go, right? That's all I use it for. Which why there's always, there's going to be a lot of breath marks on my, my fucking mirror. I can't fucking wait. And so my goal is every day before work, this thing I'm working on that I'm not allowed to talk about is I'm going to work out in the morning, take my dog for a hike. I'm going to work out in the morning and then I'm going to put it in a solid fucking day. And then at the end of the day, I'm going to come home. Daddy's going to have a little bingo bango and I'm going to talk to my lovely wife and I'm going to go to bed. That's what my life's

going to be like. That is the goal anyways, you know? So this contractor that I have working on this thing, unlike my last one is fucking guys right his rank. So it's been, it's been a fucking wonderful thing. However, let's stop talking about this bullshit. All right, dude, I'm going to be up one step. How about the fucking NHL playoffs playoffs? Oh, first of all, congratulations to the Golden State Warriors 73 fucking wins 73 and nine. I got to tell you, I don't know. It took 20 years for someone to beat 72. Do you think somebody ever beats? I mean, they had single digit loss for the season. That's fucking unbelievable. That's, that's about his borderline on break. I think that that really,

well, you know, I don't know enough about who had who had the record before the bulls, like how long those records last 73 and nine, that's, that's going to be a tough one. If basically not even the 96 bulls won that many fucking games. But I, you know, those guys, if you had that carrot dangling in front of them, they'd somehow fucking figure out how to win 70. Somebody's got to go 74 and eight. I don't know that you can do that. And I don't know that I know all the rules of basketball either. So take that with a giant grain of salt. Congratulations to them and congratulations to Kobe Bryant Hall of Fame career going out with 60 points on 50 shots, which I thought was perfect.

You never considered your teammates your entire career. Why would you do it on your last night? I thought it was the perfect way it went out. And I love that Nike commercial, the Nike commercial where he stands in the middle of the court and the Celtic fans, really an actor in Celtic gear gets up and starts singing to him. I just, and all the fans around the league are singing how they hate him, but they really love him and respect him. And there's no other teammates, no other Lakers, no fucking nod to the past of fucking magic and Kareem. No, thanks, Phil Jackson. No, nothing. Just Kobe standing in the middle of the court in the fucking Christ pose with his fucking arms out. It was absolutely

fucking perfect. Great job, Nike. Great fucking job. One of the greatest one-on-one fucking players you're ever going to see, one of the greatest outside shooters you're ever going to see. And one of the biggest cancers in a locker room that ever fucking existed. He was sort of the second coming of Wilt Chamberlain as far as the point city scored versus what the fuck he did in the locker room. And I just thought it was fucking perfect. He took 50 fucking shots. I don't think it could have been any more perfect. That was just, it was phenomenal. And it was, that is Kobe. He takes 50 shots. He annoys you, but he scores 60 points. You know what I mean? I honestly think that I could have played on a lot of those Laker teams

because he, you know, he's not going to throw it to you anyways. I could have run up down the court, my fucking pasty legs. How bad would my pasty thighs look in those fucking golden uniforms? Unbelievable or even worse than when they had those white ones there for a while, the home white ones. It just be like, I don't know, you'd have that little bit of fringe to kind of break at the end of it to break up the shorts and my fucking milk thighs. And then maybe I had some socks. So I don't fuck. I don't know. Jesus. Even that vision is fucking disturbing to me. Anyways, let me do a little bit of a little bit of advertising here as I'm checking in on you on this lovely fucking day. I'm taping the fucking flyers and capitals

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23 more fucking minutes. Oh, I was driving home today. And somebody in front of me was smoking a cigar and I had my phone. I had my window down just a little bit. This is how much this habit has me. I was like, Oh my God. And I rolled it all the way down. I was like, yeah, go ahead dog sticks its head out the window or Ace Ventura. That's what I was doing driving behind the guy. And I was trying to figure it and I drove up next to him going like, wow, the fucking guy smoking a cigar in that nice car. That's some old school shit. And I pulled up and it wasn't him. And I couldn't, you know, I couldn't figure out who was smoking the cigar. And I realized that cigar smoke is so fucking stinky. It could have literally just been like three people smoking on a porch and I drove by

and God damn it, I miss it. I don't know if this is a good idea, you guys, this whole fucking two cigars a month because this is like when I try to go easy with the boozing, you know, when I go, you know, when I try to take long periods of time off from boozing, it doesn't make me go, you know what, I don't think I don't think I miss drinking. I don't ever need to drink again. What it makes me feel like is, you know, I would like to drink a case of beer by myself and see if I can finish a fifth of Jack Daniels. That's what it makes me feel like. So I think I need to feed the beast a little bit. Having said that, until I drove home behind the person smoking that unbelievably wonderful smelling cigar, I was actually going like, you know what, I think I can make it to my birthday,

which is in June. And if I didn't do that, then I would be, how many did I smoke this year too for six and a half, six and a half, because when I smoked half and it wasn't smoking well, so I still count that one. So six and a half, that would be June and I would be looking at like I'd smoked about one a month, right? I think that'd be all right. I think that would be okay. You know, actually in reality, couldn't you just do heroin once a month? If you just did heroin once a month, 12 times a fucking year, if you didn't do it 12 days in a row, six days in a row, so it didn't get you. You just did it. That's what they ought to have. They ought to just have like the heroin spot, right? And you got a fucking punch card. There's no way to falsify it, no way

to sell somebody else's or whatever. And just once a month, like would you try it? Just to see what it was like, if there was just fucking heroin. You could go, you could fucking try it. And no matter how bad, and if you just like, I just wanted to do it once just to see what it felt like, and then you just walk away and you never do it again. Or if like, you liked it, right? Which why wouldn't you? I heard it's like the greatest feeling ever, right? If they fucking managed it for you. And you just had that fucking itch. And there was just nothing you could do about it. And then once a month, you go in, you shoot up. It's fucking awesome. And everybody could be excited. Like coming up, you know, and they have like every the beginning of every month,

they'd have like a raffle, right? Like, like, what do you call it? The lottery. And instead of like nine balls coming out, it's just one ball, right? It just comes out right whoop, it comes out. All right. Month of April, heroin day is the 17th, the seven, everybody's like, ah, fuck, 17th, and everybody does smack on the 17th, except for people that, you know, got to keep like reactors going and shit like that. They get to do it on like the 18th, provided there's someone, then someone would be hungover from heroin or whatever the fuck you could. I don't know, we'd have to work that out. Can't just have heroin day. You know, once a week, everybody just gets fucked up and you can opt out, right?

Once a month, you do heroin. And then you have like, you know, booze in days. There's got to be a way to do it with a government just becomes a big fucking drug dealing babysitter. No, but do you imagine the fucking lines then? If everybody's got to go to that, that doesn't work. I guess you got to manage it yourself. I guess that is the problem. You know, the government won't step in. You know what? They can't collect enough money off of these super rich fucking people. That's what it is. They get the money outside the country and then you got too many other people sitting around their sweatpants and they don't want to fucking work, you know, and then fucking, you know, regular people, regular people like us, right down the fucking middle. I'm going to say

everybody listen to this podcast is regularly somewhere, somewhere right in the middle. Paying taxes out the fucking ass, aren't you? Huh? Shouldn't you get heroin once a month? Once a month, the heroin store. That's what they should do for the middle class that's getting squeezed out. You just once a month, they shoot you up. Once every couple of months, you get to this side, but no more than once a month. You know, you do it on a say, right? You're just fucking nodding off and that's it. One nice fucking dose and then I don't know what you shiver and shake a little bit. You eat some fucking jab. One dose. You're not going to get hooked. Are you? You know what? I got to look this up heroin once a month. Hey, little girl,

do some heroin once a fucking month. I don't think you'll get addicted. I always spelled this wrong, by the way. No E on it. No heroes here. Heroine once a month heroin rehab treatment opinions. Can the use of heroin be casual? This is the beginning of a life changing decision right here. Can you use heroin? Oh, you know, on all of us too, it's a chat room. Okay, it seems from all government propaganda, don't we love it and most threads and discussions here on whatever this is that heroin is for addicts and junkies. Is it the case that one can take heroin for a one time experiment slash experience in order to witness the effects? Please share. That's not a good word to use in a heroin chat room. Huh? Please share experiences with each,

with one time users versus long time. All right. Yes, there are people who will use heroin once or a few times and will not return to it. Usually it takes two or more tries to really enjoy it. First time users usually feel a bit nauseous or used to back in the day. This was smoking. This means you will not be a fuck you. Fuck you. You're just some regular person. I want to talk to answers. Let's go to answers.yahoo.com. Come on. Come on. Load. Here we go. Can you use heroin one time? Best answer. Capital. No, not at all. I'm a retired heroin dealer. I know what happened to my customers when they tried to only use it casually when they were partying. They became addicted. Their lives became miserable. A lot of them ended up homeless

in jail, losing jobs, flunking out of college while I profited off them. Let's see if that comes in here. And any other bad luck you could think of, their families ended up being prostitutes. Heroin use is completely miserable life and there's no way to use it responsibly. People can become addicted to heroin the first time they use it and try it. Yada, yada, yada. This other person said it's very, very unlikely. I'm a foreign heroin addict who's in a methadone program right now and you're in a chat room. Fucking multitasking. Another person, it may be possible for some personality. Is it worth the risk? What is the benefit to gain? Somebody says don't, no, go roll up a fatty. What was that movie where Alan Arc had just started using heroin when he was like 80?

If I were to shoot heroin once a week for the rest of my life, let's see here. This is on Reddit. This is the last one. Hypothetical, of course. Never done it, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm interested in the effects. Suppose I shot up a purely and safely measured dose every Friday. Where would you get that from? A drug dealer? I mean, it's not regulated. All right, you know what? This is probably one of the dumbest questions I've ever asked. Immersively, the half hour is over. So don't do it, people. You know something? I've never heard the expression recreational heroin user, although God knows somebody's going to write in and claim that they could do it. So you know what?

More power to you, but I would never fuck with that. Anyways, this has been the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast. Just checking in on you. Please enjoy the music. And then, I don't know, we got some classic hits from Monday Morning Podcast gone by. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Congratulations to the penguins. When in their first one, congratulations to the St. Louis Blues. Meet me in St. Louis, Louis. Meet me at the fair. Remember that one? Don't tell me the lights are shining every place, but there we will dance to something like that. You will be my something. And meet me in St. Louis, Louis. Meet me at the fair. That's what you did back in the day.

Met some woman saying, Hey, you know, I love your dress down to your ankles and your giant hat. Why don't you meet me in St. Louis, Louis, and meet me at the fair. And she'd be like, why aren't we gonna do that? You're like, because we're gonna fuck. All right. That's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast, and I'm doing it on Tuesday because, because you know what? I did one yesterday, and I was in the, I was in an airport again, and it had just sucked. That's what happened. It started off good, you know what I mean? And then it was like Evil Knievel when he was jumping

the Snake River, you know, and they fucking, they lit him off, you know, when he went across, you're like, holy shit, he's gonna make it. The passion came out and he just fucking went straight down. So that's what happened. He went right to the fucking river and somehow all he got was a bloody nose. That's what happened to me yesterday. I went to do the podcast. As I was waiting to get on my jet blue flight, exit row was all set. Everything was great. And, you know, all of a sudden they said that we were switching planes. We had to get off the fucking plane. That's what happened. Then I was in the terminal and then I was pissed in an airport again. And how many times have I done that on my podcast? Oh, I'm Bill Burr. I'm in an airport.

I'm not happy. You know what I mean? Did you really want to fucking hear that story again? And so I was getting self-conscious about that. That's what happened. Now that, that's the real thing. That's what happened. And I got self-conscious about it, which made me lose my train of thought and the whole thing lost its fucking momentum. And the whole podcast went right down to the Snake River. And that's what happened. Okay. And my nose was bleeding on the plane and everybody thought I was doing coke. And I was trying to say that I wasn't. And then the stewardess was just like, is there a problem, sir? Is there a problem? You know, she waved the Patriot act in my face. All right. So anyways, this is Bill Burr as I mentioned at the top of the puller coast. If

you're new to my page, I do one of these every single Monday. All right. And I have to think that somebody's new to my page because I had my big fancy special Sunday night. Why do I do this on Comedy Central? And if I had half a brain, I could give you some times as to when it's going to be replaying again, which of course I don't know. But I watched three seconds of it because I can't stand looking at myself. And I thought it looked fucking awesome. And I was happy with it. And I want to before I get into my bitching for the week and all that shit, which I really can't because I'm really happy about my special. So there won't be a lot of bitching. I shouldn't have said that because I know by the end of this, I'm gonna be fucking bitching about something. But I just want

to thank everybody who sent me emails telling me how much they liked it. That really means a lot to me. And I got to tell you something, man. I don't know about other comments, but I freak right before those things come out. You know what I mean? I sit there thinking like, oh my god, what if everybody thinks it sucks? And I'm like, no, no, dude, it's good. It's good, right? You liked it. You saw it. And I voted for the people who fucking I start playing that mental tennis, you know, as I'm standing in a blimpy or a subway, trying to think what kind of bread I want to get when it's really all the same kind of fucking bread. I like how they got that little fucking little oven there. Like they're like, it's the old country, like you're in Europe. Oh wow,

and they're baking bread there. It's just such a fucking scam. Look at me, I'm already bitching. No, let's keep it happy. Keep it happy. So yeah, so basically, yeah, I was kind of freaking, you know, you want people to like what you do. And if I liked who I was as a person and I was comfortable with myself, I would have no need to get on a stage and act like a jackass for fucking hour for other people's approval that I've never even met. Okay, so there you go. So there, so anybody who was going to ask me that question, like, dude, you got freaked out like before you have like a special coming out like, do you know what I mean? Like totally rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off. Yes, yes, I do. I do like totally fucking freak out. All right. Okay. So

anyways, before I get going here with the podcast, which is a day late, and hopefully not a dollar short, I apologize to all my regular listeners, all 14 of you. You know, it sucks. I got a bunch of friend requests and I thought I was finally going to be able to get up past fucking 28,000. And I added everybody I was 28,992. I want to get to 29,000. God damn it. I swear to God, there's a fucking conspiracy here. And you know what it is? It's the fucking Rothschild family and they're all over Facebook. And I'm telling you, that's the scam. That's the new scam. And it's time for you people to fucking wake up and realize that your social networking, internet rights and freedoms are being taken away from you. I'm Joe Biden. You know, I don't even know who

Joe Biden is. I've just been hearing his name in the background, kind of like he's like the Jonas Brothers in my cultural world. Like every time I walk by a magazine, it's either his face or the Jonas Brothers. And I don't know either one of their material. If the Jonas Brothers started started singing a speech of Joe Biden, and you told me that that was their number one hit, and teenage girls loved it, I'd have to agree with you. Those Jonas Brothers really wear tight clothes, don't they? Is that why their hair is so curly? Thank you. All right, there's one for you. That's a little monologue joke for you. They really do. They just look really chunky. Like they're going to be fat fucks when they get older, you know what I mean? Which would be hilarious.

Not like they're going to be obese, but they're going to have that fat middle aged face. And that's the big thing that nobody talks about when you get middle aged like me, is trying not to have a fat, porky, pig face. It's the weirdest thing. Even if you're in shape, you still get that fucking swollen head. The cheeks, you get the Winston Churchill face. You know? Jolly. You get the jolly rosy cheeks. You know what it is? It's the booze, man. It's the fucking booze. Which I have laid off for about two and a half weeks. I've had a beer and a half. I had a half a beer at the uninformed taping that I did with Joe DeRosa, my XM radio show. I had half a beer at that. And let me tell you something. You stop drinking beer for two weeks

and you drink, you take a sip of a beer. It's one of the greatest things you've ever tasted in your life. It's delicious. Like you ever watched Shawshank Redemption and Tim Robbins when he's sitting on the roof and he gives that cunty fucking gorilla maniac guard tax advice and all he wants is some suds as he talks about. He talks about just the way he describes sitting on that roof. I guess it's Morgan Freeman's character describes drinking that beer. That always makes me want to drink a fucking beer. Just drink a 12 plaque. There is a fucking flight in my apartment that he doesn't realize it, but his life is ending today. You know what I mean? I hate being like that. I know it's just a fucking insect and

shit and you kill this and then all of a sudden the bees start dropping off. But he's fucking obnoxious. You know when you have a house flying and it's been in your house for a couple of days, you know, he's kind of like an athlete in the twilight of his career. It's like Brett Farver and the Jets. Look at that motherfucker sitting right there. I'm going to try to kill this. It's the first time I've ever tried to kill a fly right on my podcast. You see on the inside? This is the big thing. You never know if it's on the inside or the outside. All right. One, two, three. Shit motherfucker, I got you. Bam, right between the blinds. There you go. So someday when the insects take over this podcast, this podcast, this is what's going to take me down. Then I'll try

to be like, no, that wasn't me. That was somebody else. I sold my act to my brother just like that guy Gallagher. I sold the podcast to him. Bill Burr part two when he was doing it. All right, that was fucking satisfying. All right. You know, it'd be hilarious if somebody actually sent me a complaint. Can somebody send me an email complaining about the fact that I just murdered an insect mocking those fucking pita maniacs? You know what I'm saying? And I love animals too, but I just hate groups. I hate groups of people because in order to get noticed, they just make a lot of noise and they never come up with a good chant. And it's just fucking annoying to knowing and they got to do. They got to try to be shocking. You know, like, you know, it really sucks. And

there's those commercials that they make about cigarettes. Have you seen that? They always do some public demonstration. I don't even know what the fuck the name of those commercials are, but they're so fucking annoying that they just, they make me want to smoke. Just, I wouldn't smoke, but you know what I mean? I can't even explain it. It's just like, you know, they make me want to do something that I don't even want to fucking do. All right, whatever. I got you guys get the point. All right, whatever. It's early. Somebody just sent me a text message. Joe Bartnick, comedian out of San Francisco via fucking Pittsburgh said, we went to the UCLA Bruin game last night. That's another reason

why I didn't do the podcast. Because I got off the plane. I got off the plane over there, man. And Chichi, get the yellow. And I went right over to the Rose Bowl and I went to UCLA, Tennessee game, fucking unbelievable game, went into overtime and UCLA won it. And I think I have a team out here. I was, I got so fucking into that game. I'm telling you something, if you guys, if you're into pro sports, take a second look at college football. I know everybody's psyched about the NFL. Dude, it's fucking bananas. It's unbelievable. Did I just say bananas? What a douche. I just really hate myself sometimes. It's fucking bananas. It's wacky. It says bananas. You know, I just made myself sound like I go to games with one of those raccoon coats from the 1920s. But no,

it's insane. You know, you got like the bands going crazy. The students are going crazy. They got all those chants and stuff. It's the closest thing America has to like, you ever like watch those, those some of the soccer or football, as they call it over in England, where people are just going bananas. I said bananas again. Jesus Christ. If I say it one more time, I'm gonna have to hang up on myself. When the fuck did I start saying bananas? You know what? That's on my friends and everyone around me in my life. They're not saying, dude, why the fuck do you say that? You really need to stop saying that. It's like some of my relatives in Boston who say Pisa. You see that game, dude? Yeah, dude, it was Pisa. You're like fucking in their 40s,

still saying that. It's just, it makes my fucking skin crawl. But then I'm saying bananas. All right, but anyways, I'm into college football. I'm actually, I'm doing a gig coming up in Austin, Texas, and I'm going to a Texas Longhorn, Missouri game. I'm going to be there. So if you're one of the 100,000 fucking maniacs who were there going nuts rather than bananas, what's a good way to say bananas? This is my podcast question for you. All right, speaking of podcast questions, there's a segue for you. We're going to get into the podcast questions, but first, a moment from our sponsor. Last week, I talked about state capitals. Did you miss that episode? Well, maybe you should listen to that half hour of babbling. And I was kind of asking the question,

is why the fuck is it always the second rate city always seems to be the capital? You know what I mean? Like it's never, you know, New York, it's not New York City. That's what you think it would be, but it's Albany, okay? It's you go to Illinois, it's not Chicago, it's Springfield, you go to Pennsylvania, it's not Philly of Pittsburgh, it's Harrisburg, it's always something like what the fuck, you know? And I thought it was because people initially thought that that was the town that was going to be the shit. And then it stopped being the shit and another town became the shit that they already made it be the capital and they were too embarrassed to say that they made a mistake. You know what I mean? It's kind of like the people like the Jonas Brothers right

now, you know, the Jonas Brothers are the musical equivalent to the city of Albany. That's what I'm trying to say there. So anyway, this guy tries to claim he says on the topic of why cities like Harrisburg and Albany are state capitals over Philly or New York City. The reason is because most state capitals are located geographically in the center of the state. That way local government officials wouldn't have to travel across the whole state to get to the capital. There are a few exceptions like Carson City and Tallahassee, but overall that's the general reason why shit cities are capitals. Is that true? Wait a minute, Boston, that's not in the middle of the state. It's Providence, Providence kind of is. I don't know, is that true? I actually got to

want to argue with the guy the other day, Pete Dominic, a comedian, and he goes cite your sources, you need three sources just like journalism. And I realized that not only do I not have three sources, I usually don't even have one. I just have my gut going in. That sounds like fucking bullshit. And then I just spin it so I sound like I know what I'm talking about. So can anybody back up with that guy saying, is that the real reason for that? Huh? Anybody? All right, that's it. Let's get into the questions for this week. The podcast questions. Question number one. Hey, Bill, I have a question for your podcast. If you were locked in, this is a great question, by the way. This is one of the greatest questions I have ever gotten, okay? This guy is setting the fucking bar for

podcast questions. All right, here is the questions. Here's a question. Sorry. If you were locked in a gymnasium full of hundreds of unarmed six-year-olds of various weights, heights, races, and temperaments, and all you had were the clothes on your back, how many of them do you think you could kill before they overpowered you? What a fucking great question. All right, so obviously, I'm setting all morals aside here. If you set aside all morals and all feelings of guilt, and or maybe I just felt like I was right. Like these were evil kids. I'm trying to think of a reason why a gymnasium full of six-year-olds of various weights, heights, and races and temperaments, how many do I think I could fucking kill before they overpowered me?

Well, let's see here. The average six-year-old has got to be about, are they four feet? They're not four feet tall. Like fucking, Tim Duncan was probably four feet tall when he was six. Are there any future NBA players in this? If they're not, they're just going to be like accountants and fucking, you know, occasional wife-beater. That would be the tough one. I think, you know, what I'd have to do, do they know I'm going to overpower me? I'm just going to have to assume. Like if they know that I'm coming in there as the killer of six-year-olds, so they all banded together to try to slay me? I mean, I think the first thing I'd have to do, not to hack off of ESPN analysts here and use one of their expressions, but I'm going to have to hear. I think the first

thing I'd have to do is I'd have to set the tone. And by setting the tone, I mean, I just have to do something so fucked up to the first wave of braveheart six-year-olds coming at me that I would have that give those that second wave, that split second of thinking about what the fuck they were doing, right? And I'm talking about leg sweeps, the kind that would that would blow out an adult ACL, okay? Which I'm talking, yeah, I'm wearing Timberlands and I'm going to fucking, I get one of them with one of those. You know, you remember that move? What's his face used to do? Andre, the giant, when they throw a dude off the ropes and he just stick his foot up? I don't know, man. I don't know how many I could get. How many I could kill? I'd have to

fuck them up first and leave them dazed. And then I have to go back to finishing them off. But if I just had to use my fist, man, I mean, you know, even though they're six-year-old, that's still a skull. It's going to hurt. Wow, I'm getting really creepy with this. Okay, I would say I could probably fuck up. I could kill about 11. I could kill 11. But you know what, you know, I think that I could kill a number that low is because I'm a one-time on the Discovery Channel. I saw this wasp enter this beehive of these honeybees and like the wasps and whatever the fuck it was can destroy the honeybees. They can kill like a hundred to one. They can destroy these fuckers. So what happened was he went in

there, he was doing surveillance for his wasp or his hornet nest. And then all he's going to go back and get his boys and they were all going to come back or he's sending on a signal for them to come. So what he didn't realize was the honeybees saw him and they started like wiggling their asses as a signal. And what happened was that the exact fucking moment all the honeybees jumped on the fucking wasp or the hornet at the same time and they went top of them and they started like basically dry humping them. But what they really were doing, they were vibrating. And I guess a hornet can only survive in temperatures up to 116 degrees, where a honeybee can go up to 118 degrees. So these motherfuckers, they vibrated to the point where the temperature was 118 degrees.

One degree fucking more, oh wait, 117 degrees. One degree more than the hornet could fucking survive in one degree less than what would fucking kill them. It was one of the greatest attacks I've ever seen in my life. And they basically cooked the fucker. And that was the end of him. So if those six year olds knew I was coming and they all jumped on me and started fucking vibrating, being a redhead. I mean, once they got over 80 degrees, I would be fucked, I'd be passed out. And that would be the end of it. All they'd have to do is drag my unconscious carcass out into the sun. And then that would be it. That would be a death by third degree sunburns. All right, Jesus, oh my God, a breath from answering that one. Okay, now we're getting

on to overrated, underrated, then I got to get on with my day here. As do you. Who's kidding who? Why am I acting like I'm the only busy one? All right, for those of you new to my podcast, last couple of weeks, people have been sending me in their list of stuff that they think is overrated and underrated. I'll say as a new UCLA Bruin fan, you know what? I find fucking overrated the fucking Tennessee volunteers. What do you think about that ranked 18th against UCLA? Were they ranked 44th? The third spring quarterback, we had a Jekyll and Hyde game, the guy threw four pick offs, one for a touchdown, the first half. And then he came out in the second half, like fucking Joe Montana, Kurt Warner, and maybe even friend, Tarkington. All right,

you don't actually is overrated is underrated is a man's ability to shower, shave and be ready and in the fucking car within 15 minutes. I experienced that this weekend when Vinny Brandt, the beloved owner of the stress factory in New Jersey, took me out on his boat. Okay, and we came back, the show was in an hour and there was some sort of boat house and he's like, he talks like fucking, you know, a muppet. He's like, Oh, I gotta go in there. I gotta take a shower. Just hang on a second. He weaves me in the car with his awful fucking Bruce Springsteen CD because everybody in New Jersey loves Bruce Springsteen. So he goes in there. I'm thinking it's gonna be, God fuck, he's gonna be in there for 25 fucking minutes. This dude in and out,

came out, you know, he looked great, smelled of man soap and he was fucking ready to go. He actually made me feel unclean within 10 minutes. It's an incredible thing. So that's my overrated underrated for the week. Okay, here's everybody else's. All right, overrated, Stella bear, it tastes just like Budweiser and every non tasting, having schlep insist it's a quality bear. I guess nobody's heard of Langoonitas or dogfish head. You know what, I've never heard of those either. And I can't pass judgment on those. But those sounds like those kinds of beers that I see when I go to Colorado. And there's those rafting hippie. I'm into Dave Matthews, Bergen stock, hacky fact fuckers drinking that kind of shit. You know, when you go down there and they have

those those fucking micro brews, I think micro brews are overrated. But the best one I did, I went to was the one I told you down on Nantucket Cisco breweries, man. God damn it. I'm still waiting for my vodka, by the way, you sons of bitches. I understand your mom and pop. But what the fuck? I got three bottles of triple A coming my way. And I sense quit drinking. Maybe listen to the podcast. All right, overrated, hyped up bachelor parties. Oh, isn't that the truth? You always think it's going to be like a fucking movie. This guy says, if you have to wear a t-shirt that says something like stick a fork in them, it's almost guaranteed that it's going to be a queer fest. Especially there's definitely going to be at least one dipshit that is way too into taking

pictures. I know how gay is that guys can't take pictures. That's fucking gay. When is I'm gay about me? I'm actually in the flowers to a like it's so gay. It goes beyond gay and comes back into heterosexual. I think now it doesn't. Maybe it comes to sort of gay heterosexual. I don't know. I like flowers. I realize that about myself. I bought a couple of vases and every week I come off the road. I was actually arranging them today, like measuring the stems and looking at the colors to try to set them up. I got like these daisies, right? I got one is yellow, one's like this sort of like, you ever see a Fender Strat when they got that sunburst finish? That's what it looks like. Then I got like these three lavender ones. I put the lavender ones in the back. They're like the

backup singers. You know what I mean? You know, like those big black chicks they always have behind the skinny white girl who can't fucking sing, you know? That's how I arrange them. I put the pale ones out front. That's like Paul Simon. That's what it is. It's like Paul Simon on the rhythm of the Saints tour. That's how I arrange them. I don't know. I look at them. They make me feel good. And you know what? I'm comfortable enough with myself to be able to admit that. All right. Another overrated thing. Somebody said Notre Dame. He said I can go on forever about this one, but the amount of ass that a blue chipper gives up, not playing in places like South Beach, Miami, or Southern California, because he just had to wear the gold helmet

sickens me. Oh, isn't that true? That's the truth. Yeah, but if you play for the University of Miami, man, that's a fucking dangerous place. That's a goddamn dangerous place, man. You guys have fatalities on the regular on your team. Did I just say on the regular? What did I rent fucking Friday's last night? How do I start off saying bananas? And then I go on the regular. You know something? I always wanted to go to University of Miami game, but I wanted to go when they played in the Orange Bowl. Now they play in the Joe Robbie. It just doesn't seem right. You know what I mean? Okay. Another thing. Overrated Asian pussy. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I'll be honest. I was expecting more. Well, did you ever think that maybe the

Asian you hooked up with wasn't good in bed? I mean, you're going to judge an entire continent. You know, what's funny is when people say Asian, immediately, myself included, doesn't everybody think, you know, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, anybody, you know, with the quote, unquote, Asian eyes, whatever the politically correct way of saying what the fucking Spanish basketball team was trying to do. But that also could be mean you hooked up from somebody from India. And they, they stunk in bed. You know what I mean? I think you should listen. There's fucking hotties. You know what? This deserves a follow up question. How many Asians did you hook up with before you decided to douche an entire continent of pussy? I mean, that's pretty amazing. And

that's one of the biggest continents out there. If not the biggest, is it? I have no fucking, it was Africa bigger, Africa's bigger. But I gotta tell you something, Asia's on the rise too. So, you know, watch what you say, okay? You saw what China did in the Olympics. They can do that on the rings. Just think what they can do in the fucking, I don't know, computer industry. All right, let's get to, let's get to underrated, underrated. This guy says early 90s gangster rap videos, hands down, the greatest videos ever made, just a bunch of black dudes hanging out and Compton with their baseball caps blurred out. I miss those days. I gotta agree with you, man. Those were fucking great days. Remember that time, there was that really pretty girl at

the party and they all shake up their 40s and they dump it on her head because, you know, she thought she was the shit. You know what the reality is? Is they were looking at her thinking that she thought that she was the shit. For all you know, she was fucking, she was probably insecure. Like a lot of beautiful women are. They always got some sort of hang up. Oh my god, I hate my ankles. You know, so she was probably thinking that because she wasn't wearing jeans. She was wearing that little Hori outfit. So she's actually in her head, which caused her to have a shut down look on her face. So then Snoop or whatever, Dray or Warren G, whoever the fuck it was out there in Cali. They all say, look at this bitch,

she's all fucking stuck up. And then they shook up their 40s and they dumped it over a fucking head and she probably ran home crying thinking that they did it because they didn't like her ankles. And you know what? That probably led to her being a stripper. That's how it happens. All right, underrated Ricky Gervais. This guy's made two great TV shows and less than five years, less than five years of each other and he still doesn't get the kudos he deserves. Maybe it's because there's no laugh track. Who knows? I gotta tell you something, Ricky Gervais is a fucking genius. And if you never saw the original version of the office, no offense to the American version, it's unbelievable. That guy, that guy is a genius. That one, I can't remember what the

episode was about, but that one where he plays the guitar in the middle of the meeting is the most uncomfortable, hilarious fucking thing I've ever seen. And that guy, I like how he has a drinking problem and how being an alcoholic is still funny in England. You can make fun of people having drinking problems. Over here, it's, oh, we gotta have an intervention. Why are you doing this to yourself? All right, we'll wind it down here. The movie, Basketball, David Zucker and the South Park guy is together. Very underappreciated movie. You know what? I gotta rent that because when I looked at the trailer, I'm like, that looks fucking stupid. And then a comedian that I respected saw it and told me it was hilarious. And it was a good movie. And I'm gonna rent that. I'm gonna

rent that fucker. Speaking of which, I finally saw Miller's Crossing end to end. And I gotta admit, John DeTurro is fucking unreal in that movie. God damn it, that was a good fucking movie. All right, last thing for this week's underrated list is Rage Against the Machine. This guy says, in my opinion, the best band in the past 20 years. Wow. And for all the shit that's going on in the world now, their music was way before its time. That original album is Genius from start to finish. My only complaint was when I saw them at Randall's Island last year, it was Rage Against the Machine, brought to you by Rockstar Energy Drink. That upset me. As well, it should. As well, it should. But you know something, that's what happens after a while.

After a while, you get into middle age and you're like, you know what? At some point, I'd like to sleep on a bed. I'd like to have a fucking couch. And you know what? I drink Rockstar Energy Drink. It tastes good to me. So if they want to fucking finance the goddamn tour, what do I care? I mean, do they have eight-year-olds putting Rockstar Drink into fucking coke cans over in Thailand? Because if that's the case, I won't support it, okay? But if it's somebody used to build fucking, I don't know where the fuck I'm going with this. Anyways, I want to thank everybody for listening to my podcast. And like I said, if you're new to my page, which I keep saying because I'm hoping I have some new people with the new special out. I do one of these every week to give you a laugh.

At the beginning of the week, I answer questions, people send in their underrated, overrated lists, trying to get a new list going because I'm starting to think that that one is, I think we've pretty much handled it at this point. Keep sending those in. But if anybody wants to start a new list, please, by all means, because I do not have creative control over the podcast. If you want to switch the direction of it, just send me a funny fucking email that spins me off. I'll babble about something else. Maybe somebody else will add to it. And that's how it happens, huh? Isn't that interesting? All right. So this week, coming up, I'm going to be, I'm actually doing a college gig with Charlie Murphy at UMass Amherst in Boston. Now that's a private

show. So that's only for students, unless you somehow wink, wink, figure out a way to sneak in, which you didn't hear here, which of course you did because now it's the podcast. I don't advocate doing that. I don't advocate putting on a baseball hat and looking like you're of college age and trying to just sort of walk in with the rest of the students. I do not advocate doing that. Okay. Don't do that. That would really make me upset. All right, there. I'm in the clear now. And the following week, September 11th through the 11th, I think the 13th, I'm going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco. And the weekend after that, what's 11 and seven, 11 and seven, 18, 19, 20 and 21, I will be at the Funny Bone in Richmond, Virginia. I'll be visiting my buddy

Sludge out there on the radio. And I'll be performing right down there at the mall, right across some Dick's Sporting Goods. How you like that? Right back down to earth. One hour special. I'm on top of the world. Two weeks later, I'm performing across some of Dick's in Richmond, Virginia. There's a fucking reality slap for you. And that is it. And the new DVD will be out of the special on September 16th. And I will be selling that fucker at all my shows and I'll be autographing it. And if you buy it, and you just want to come to one of my shows and bring it up to me and you want me to sign it, I'll sign the fucker because I appreciate you buying it. And that is it. And for those of you who want to know what the extras are on it, really quick,

I have the Philadelphia Rant is one of the extras, the classic cell phone footage from the show in Camden, New Jersey, where I got booed in front of all those people. Everybody knows what it is. So I got that on there. I got the uninformed one where I had my radio show where me and Joe got in a huge argument and then we tried to settle it with a drum battle. And then I got some other footage of me just going around to the New York clubs talking about different horrific sets that I've had over the years, just telling the story. So ton of extras and all that bullshit. And now I'm done babbling. Thank you so much for listening. You guys all have a good week. And next week, I actually will do it on Monday, on the Monday morning podcast. There you go. Everybody have a

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