Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-14-22

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

Bill rambles about inflation, baseball, and parking.

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People, I'm going to get outside my element right now and I'm going to talk inflation. What's the deal with inflation? Why does inflation happen? Why will it continue to happen? I'll tell you exactly why. Because people pay attention to the colors of ties. These fucking liberal snowflakes with their goddamn fucking inflation. They're fucking other, yeah, these red-tied sons of bitches with their Oozies and their AR-15s. Oh, you fucking dumb shit. Why don't you wake up? Become smart like me. Someone who doesn't watch the news.

Someone who isn't informed. Someone who took 45 years to consistently spell restaurant correctly. Someone who still can't spell vinyl. I know there's a Y in there. Wait, I got it. V-I-N-Y-L? Is there an A in there? Whatever, you need to listen to me, man. It's vinyl, Bill, not vinyl. Yeah.

Now she used to watch a show called Vinyl. I still didn't know how to spell it. Yeah. Inflation is because our currency is controlled by a private group of bankers that have created basically a legal Ponzi scheme. Okay? Might also have to do with the fact we've been playing a road game for over 20 years that bankrupted the fucking country. That might also be what it is, but I don't want to get involved in that because then everybody gets upset. Because they'd rather fucking blame the color of ties and pay attention to jokes told by stand-up comedians. That's what's destroying the fabric of America.

It's not doctors creating synthetic heroin or people poisoning the food supply or dumping water into our fucking dumping water, dumping poisons into our drinking water. It's not the government allowing, on both sides, allowing these corporate cunts to create disposable shit made out of plastic that then's dumped in the fucking ocean. It's not any of that. It has to do with blue ties and red ties. Oh, Billy's on his fucking preacher stump today, isn't he? Anyway, at the end of the day, until we get rid of at least 80% of the population, probably even more, like the longer we go, the more drastic the culling of the herd is going to have to be in order for the surviving human beings to just chill the fuck out and let the earth try to write itself. This is what I would do if I was getting rid of the herd. All right.

I would keep all the astronauts and I'd keep all the nerds. And then what we do is we create these giant space garbage trucks. That's right. I said it, space garbage truck. If Trump can say nuclear is the real N word, I can say space garbage trucks and probably win a local election. Dude, I like what this guy's talking about with his space garbage trucks. This is what you do. You vacuum up space garbage trucks into vacuuming the ocean bill.

That's right. It's two and a half times the size of Texas and fucking two miles deep. You vacuum up all of that shit. And you stick it in these space garbage trucks and then you fly them out. I don't know where they go. The astronauts come back. Well, stick monkeys in them. Monkeys.

All right. And then if you're part of pita and you're like, oh, the monkey didn't fucking do anything, man. We're going to say, well, go save them. You thumbed footed cunt. You go do it. Right. And then when they jump on the space garbage truck, we just, we launch. And that's it.

You know what I mean? Like what the fuck are we doing right now? The whole thing's going to hell in a hand basket and everybody's acting like, you know, nothing's going on. And they're still screaming and yelling at either side. I don't know. And then meanwhile, Red Bull is going to fucking fly to Cessna side by side and see if guys can get out of them and switch planes. You mean, I got to be honest with you. What this has to do with that fucking drink?

I have no idea because I don't remember fucking, you know, evil can evil being connected with fucking, you know, root beer or Pepsi. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Caesar's Palace Pepsi challenge. Can somebody please explain to me what the fuck Red Bull has to do with some of the best pilots in the world? That's what I want to know. It has nothing to do with that. I don't, I don't think that either one of those pilots is going to be like, you know what's going to make this fucking jump successful or this flight successful. So here's the thing with that stunt. It's really not a stunt.

This is me with 300 hours. It's really not a stunt unless neither one of the people is wearing a parachute. Other than that, you know, what are you doing? This is what the fucking nerve of me with my summer school education to fucking question this. The physics involved in this thing, they'd have to weigh the exact same. They'd have to be flying the exact same speed. And then they have to have to be a certain closeness, right? Because the second they nose them down, the thing that I would be concerned about is if you can't fly it faster than terminal velocity,

or else the second the humanoid gets out, he's not going to be able to keep up with it, right? Oh, Billy lab coat over here. I don't fucking know. But what I do like is that they're going to do it out over the ocean because God forbid if it doesn't work, we kill human beings, the polluters of the ocean. Let's just make sure that if it doesn't work that there's people there to fish out the two humans that just dumped two airplanes into the fucking ocean to continue the pollution. Let's make sure that we fish them out so those two people can tell the story and continue to buy shit that they don't need that's going to end up in the ocean. Um, sorry. Anyway, having said that, I'm going to watch it.

I am going to watch it. I'll tell you what I watched yesterday. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Putting on a fucking display in the Bronx against the, I can't really call them the bombers anymore. Even if they hit a lot of home runs, they're playing in that fucking Wiffle ballpark. It's really weird how the ball carries there. You know, um, anyway, the guy gets up, right? Gives the old right there Fred hits a fucking home run.

He's playing first base. It was sort of a bad throw. He reaches for it. And as the runners cross in the bag, Vlad's hands almost down on the ground and the runner steps on it. With his cleats there, the plastic tips on them that will then are metal tips. I don't know. Evidently though, what the land up in the ocean at some point float next to one of those red bull planes, right? He cuts his fucking hand.

His finger doesn't get stitches. Just gets his finger taped up. And what does he do? He goes Reggie Jackson. He puts three on him. Right there, Fred. Right there, Fred. And right there, Fred.

Now granted, this doesn't make you Reggie Jackson because this man does it in October. All right. However, the Toronto Blue Jays, you know, are talking all kinds of shit saying last year was the movie trailer. This year is the movie. To which I say, oh yeah. So now I am rooting for the Devil Reyes and the Red Sox and even the Yankees, even the Yankees to shut those sons of bitches, bitches up. Because a long time ago, I remember there was an interview with Getty Lee of Rush and he was at a fucking Blue Jays game and he was talking shit about Red Sox fans as if he wasn't a four-eyed, nerdy bass player from a prog rock band as if he was going to throw down in the bleachers as if he wasn't sitting in the box seats.

You know, listening to the umpires, clicking little machine there, keeping track of balls and strikes and thinking in his head. Ooh, that sounds like a good bass line to me. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Ever since then, I have been like, fuck the fucking Diaz brothers and fuck the Toronto Blue Jays. Having said that, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is a fucking problem. But fuck the Toronto Blue Jays. You know, that's where Roger Clemens went and started air quote working out. I don't know what's in the water up there in Toronto, but that dough boy was done in Boston and all of a sudden he goes up to Toronto,

cue the super friends' music when they get out of the trap. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Back to back, Cy Youngs. He came back like Hulk Hogan when they went to drop his arm for the last time and it came back up. Yeah, everybody says he did, Roy. It's not what happened. He grew a goatee and he put icy hot on his balls and the rest is all history. That's a fucking true story.

All right. No, I'm happy that the Blue Jays are good, man. That's always good for fucking baseball, especially up in Toronto. It'll be sunny out. Something good in sports will be happening other than the usual disappointment of their beloved Toronto Maple Leafs. Year in and year out. People, I'm turning 54 years old in June. 54.

54 is the exact year that the Rangers went between Stanley Cups 1940 to 1994. Okay. The Toronto Maple Leafs have not won since 1967. My entire life plus one year. The last time they hoisted the cup, old freckles. I was a religious people. You tell me where the fuck I was. All right.

And I'll go sell you a footbridge and fucking Albuquerque. Sorry. I'm in a mood right now. I'm in a mood. No, because I have all this fucking work ahead of me and I got to be honest with you. Last night. I went out and I was hanging out with the buddy of mine. He gets mad at me when I don't say his name on the podcast and I say, well, I try not to say names.

He goes, I love if you'd say my name. So in case he's listening, this goes out to you. I was hanging out with the buddy of mine last night. And I smoked a cigar even though I was trying to go 10 days after the masters. I was just stressed. Okay. It's the only thing I have left. So I fucking, I go up to, I go out there.

My buddy's like, you doing a set tonight? And I said, no, I'm not. I'm just going to fucking hang. I got to talk to you, man, about editing this movie, man. I need to hear your fucking thoughts on it, man. And of course, we barely talked about that. We just sat there making fun of each other. Right.

And anyway, so I say good night to him and I'm driving home. And as I drive home, I go by the comedy store and I was like, fuck this. I got to go in there and I went into the comedy store and try it out, you know, not just, you know, the shit I've been working on and it could not have gone better. And I was literally, I was over the fucking moon. I was so happy when I got home. I couldn't fall asleep to like 1 30 in the morning. Right.

And of course, my daughter comes in and she's waking me up. Right. Just sitting there like, dad, can you make me French toast? And I was like, okay. She said, thanks. And then my wife goes, we still have leftover pancakes. And I said, oh, that's right. And then my daughter goes, oh, and that's how it begins.

That's how it begins. It's like, you know, my kids don't realize that. Like four out of the seven days, I make them Sunday level breakfast. When I was a kid, you had fucking cereal for breakfast. All right. Cereal the whole week. And then on Sunday, my mother would either make eggs, pancakes, waffles or French toast.

And it was fucking amazing. There's bacon, toast and all of that shit. It was fucking incredible. But for the rest of the week, you know, it was corn flakes. It was Cheerios. It was Apple Jacks. Occasionally fruit loops.

They didn't last long. I remember that I used to like eating blueberry or count chocolate, count chocolate, but always felt like shit afterwards. So anyway, I had a great day yesterday with my daughter, right? We're hanging out. And I, you know, she's like, I want, let's do daddy daughter time. So I'm like, all right. And I go, okay, what do you want to do?

I have to run a quick errand. And she goes, all right. She loves running errands. Like just go in places. And then she goes, I go, what do you want to do? She's like, you know, I want you to take me to get an ice cream. So I'm like, all right. So we go to get an ice cream and I'm hanging out with her.

And it's just like magical. The stuff she's saying to me and she's like a little girl now. So I'm literally, it's like phone off or at least to the side. Let's not be, let's be honest here. I didn't shut it off. I headed to the side and I was just sitting there talking to her. And she was just saying all of this hilarious stuff. And she was in a great mood and all of that.

And she telling me that she loved me and I was the best dad ever and all of that. If you ever want to hear that stuff, get your kids some ice cream. It's literally the Bill Cosby bit. Dad is great. Give us the chocolate cake. Same thing, right? So, um, yeah, she told me she loved me and how awesome I was and all of that stuff. And within two hours of that, you know, we were playing cards.

We were playing war and she wasn't winning and she was getting so mad and she was like cheating. We were like, we got into a war and I see her. She puts the three down and then, you know, from one pile and then another pile. She pulls out an ace to win it. And I'm laughing. I'm like, sweetheart, you can't do that. She can't do that. She goes, you don't make the rules.

I was like, yeah, I didn't. I didn't make the rules. The rules of this game were already established before I played them. And she kept, she got so mad at me within two hours of telling me that she loved me. She said, dad, we aren't best friends anymore and I'm never getting ice cream with you ever again. It's unbelievable. I'll tell you that, that female brain, it's real fickle. I'm kidding.

It's not male or female. It's just was adorable. And I was cracking up laughing, which was making her even matter. But I also noticed something. I don't know if other dads have this. My son and my daughter beat the shit out of me. I have somehow fucked up because I like rough housing that now whenever they see me laying down, they run over to me and they essentially do Hulk Hogan's second reference to him in this podcast, Hulk Hogan's finishing move.

Remember that? He'd leap up in the air and fuck and slam that leg down, except they go like ass first right onto my rib cage. And it's fine if I see it coming. But one day I was laying on the floor and I was tired. It was the middle of the day, the sun's out, right? So I just had a pillow over my head, over my eyes, my eyes, right? I had it over my eyes and my daughter came in and leapt up in the air. I was totally relaxed.

I didn't tighten up at all and she just landed on me. And I'm not going to lie to you, I had to regroup. I literally rolled over and brought my knees up and I was like, buddy, buddy, you can't do that. You can't do that. She started crying because she realized she actually hurt me. I mean, think about that. It's like somebody just lay in there and you're sleeping and somebody came in and just dropped a 40 pound, 50 pound bag of sand right on your stomach. I mean, there's only one response to that.

Oh, that's what I... And what's funny is they get startled and they get upset and you have to comfort them as you're trying to get your win back. I'll tell you what is awesome though is we got my daughter in an electric car for her birthday or for Christmas. I can't remember what. And I play this game. We call it playing target, right? Like you're going to target and you have to park in the parking spot and I just put two hockey sticks down and she has to pack the car in there and she has my son, my son in the passenger seat.

And now when she backs up, she literally puts her arm around the seat, the passenger seat when my son's sitting and she's looking over his shoulder and she's starting to figure out how to drive back like that. It's just one of the most exciting things. It's like she's going to know how to drive a fucking car by the time she's six. Amazing. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back.

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Zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip. The smartest way to hire. I like that one. You like the devil version of it? Raw sea syrup, scabak. Remember, you used to hear that on all your fucking, um, all the records when I was a kid. They would always start it off with some backwards horseship, you know, just to get the kids to play it the other way.

It was so dumb, like, how we didn't realize that that was just a scam to get us to buy records. You know, they're putting these secret messages in there. They're easily decoded. You know, it was more like when they would do it backwards within the song. That was the smarter phony pretending that you were actually demonic.

I thought, if you asked me, if you actually buried it in the song, and I love that they thought that, like, somehow the human brain can hear you. Raw sea syrup. Like, while you're listening, two don't eat nothing but a good time. Raw sea syrup.

No, all of a sudden you're going to go kill your parents. And then, you know, these bad parents would end up blaming that. Hey, you know, it wasn't that I wasn't around as a parent. I mean, when I was, I was drunk, and I used to beat my kid with a belt. That's not why he went out and did these horrible things. The reason why is when he was listening to head and out to the highway

buried within that song was somebody saying, and it actually made it to trial. Actually made it to trial. You know why that is? Oh, Jesus. Because this country was founded by a bunch of murdering lunatics

that did it in the name of God. There you go. How about that? I want you to stick that next to your gas prices. Huh? You fucking light up your pipe and see what happens. I don't know what any of that means. It sounded good, though.

That's always great to, if you say something, then tag it. But once you stick that in your pipe and smoke it, it always makes the listener think, like, wait a minute, I swear to God, I didn't think he said anything there, but now he just told me to take what he just said,

stick it in my pipe and smoke it. I at the very least have to think about what he said. Was it profound? Or was my initial reaction that that was just a bunch of bullshit correct? I don't know. I do not know.

All right, anyways, that is the podcast here for Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I am so in on baseball, it is ridiculous. And if you're a Red Sox fan, all right, watch the Red Sox next week.

Because I think I might be back in town and I might be going to a game, all right? And I am putting in for the local celebrity seats. All right, no, I'm kidding. I'm going to be

up in the bleachers! You know? It's really going to kill me. Do they still have that fucking mascot? Um, it's really annoying that alcoholics that understood sports get replaced by fucking fuzzy

those fucking things walking around. I'm really against that, okay? We shouldn't have alcoholics in the stands scaring the children, okay? I'll go with that. But I don't think you have to over-correct it that I now have to look at fucking Elmo walking around the park

like a complete fucking jerk-off. Trying to get people excited about free trinkets. All right, that's something else. All right, and with that, please listen to the music here and followed by the music. We'll be a bonus episode

of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. From a Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. From Thursday back in time. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Good luck to the Red Bull people.

Get some icy hot on your balls. Get out there and don't buy it. Whatever it is, don't buy it. You don't need it. And eventually you have to get rid of it. You don't need any of that shit, all right? God bless you

and the United States of America. Music plays. Music plays. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday April 14th, 2000. Hey, Jesus Christ. I've been sitting here.

I'm still in France. This is the last fucking weekend in France. I'm last couple of days here, so that's why I'm still using the garage band thing and it sounds a little weird, but I've been sitting here for fucking a half hour

waiting for the lovely Nia to leave the apartment so I can do the goddamn podcast. She's probably going to come back here in the end. But, uh, I just, I mean, does anything take fucking longer? I know this is a hacky bit and it's been done a zillion times

by every comic out there. Where's a fucking sweater and works totally clean and go, ah, guys do this and women do that, but does anything fucking take longer than a woman getting ready to leave?

I actually had a die-in laugh and she grabs this fucking bag and the amount of shit she's putting in it. I was like, are you going on an excursion? She had medicine in there. She grabbed, like, fucking three different things to put on her head or around her neck. Scarves, fucking

whatever. I don't know. Why? Does it take longer? I just kept saying get the fuck out of here. Anyways, so I don't even know what the fuck I'm going to talk about this week

because I haven't been doing shit. I haven't watched shit. I haven't talked on a cell phone in forever. I'm completely out of the loop. Like, I finally just checked in with the NHL, NHL.com to see what the hell was going on.

Oh, and by the way, if you lived over here, you would get into soccer or football. You'd get into rugby. You'd watch all those sports and you'd enjoy it. They're great

games. That's what I realized once I've been over here fucking long enough. And at some point, you have to watch a goddamn sporting event, you know? And you go in there and everybody's into the thing and you just get sucked into it.

Like, I'm actually rubber-necking now when I walk by screens and there's a soccer game on. I don't watch that shit. And late last night I did catch the ending of the Masters.

I think Bubba Watson won. I hope he did. I saw when he birdied and he went up by three and then I checked in on the internet when he had two holes to play and he seemed like he had it. But I promised my wife I would come back here

and watch. I swear to God, the devil wears Prada. You know? Trying to keep the peace. I agree to come back and watch this fucking film. And, uh, I got to tell you, it was worse than I thought it was going to be.

I figured if Meryl Streep is in it, you know, it's got to be good on some level. Watch that movie or somebody can somebody actually, I don't want to do this to a guy. Is there a woman out there that can do this?

Can you somehow cut that movie down to how many times a scene starts with one or two people walking fast into the scene? That whole fucking the whole

ridiculousness of fashion in general and these fucking people walking in. Okay, I need six dresses it is. And all that. I couldn't watch the movie because within the first three minutes I'm yelling at the screen

to Meryl Streep's character. You don't get it yourself. You silverhead cunt. Right? So Nia's punching me. And she was just so ridiculously mean in that movie that after a while I didn't have any sympathy

for the big brown-eyed girl who sat there getting abused. So finally after like a half hour I start like nodding off. Granted I got a couple of beers in me, you know. Oh, more than a couple. Okay, I've been drinking this shit over here.

1664 It's hilarious with typical Americans Nia's sitting there go, was that the year France Revolution? And the only reason why I knew it wasn't was because I just you know, being in France you stumble across some shit about that again. I think that was 1789. So we looked it up

to see what the significance was and it was just the year that the brewery started. So anyways I've been knocking those things back. Those have been my core's light over here. The 1664 whatever the fuck year it is. And anyways, so I lasted about

maybe 45 minutes into it and the dude from Monterey's in it and they didn't give him anything to do the poor bastard. All he had to do was just sit there and be like, what? She was being a bitch again. Can I make you some food? You look hot. I want to fuck you. That was

his scene every fucking time you saw him. So anyways you're like I'm reviewing this movie that came out. I thought like three years ago. I guess it was like 10 years ago. But anyway, so I pass out and right before I go to sleep

I say to Nia go wake me up when she tells this woman to go fuck herself and she goes okay I will and she didn't you know I guess why would you? Why would you wake up somebody who finally nodded off

who's been calling one of the main characters the silver haired cunt. I understood a decision you know but the next day I woke up and I said so what did she finally say to her and she goes actually she didn't say anything she just sort of walked away what a horrible movie

um oh anyways where we're staying the guy who runs the place is from he's from London and he was talking about some that Woody Allen movie that had won an Oscar

I was downstairs he goes did you he's like did you say that so yeah yeah I saw it and I go yeah I liked it I thought it was great and he goes you thought it was great he goes I thought it was absolute rubbish

I love when English people say that rubbish it was absolute rubbish it didn't go anywhere it's like it movie starts the woman's crazy and I can't do the English accent he basically said in the end of the movie she's still crazy he goes I thought a movie's supposed to lift you up

where he said the movie didn't take you anywhere I do admit I couldn't argue with this criticism of it I still liked it ah Jesus what am I fucking Siskel and Ebert over here um I got nothing to talk about people I really don't so as I

was mentioning I checked in with the uh with the NHL to see what was what was going on and lo and behold it's time for the playoffs so having not watched any of the shit for weeks now

I'm gonna give you my picks these are my picks alright first round we got the Bruins here we go Bruins here we go first the Detroit Redwinks who are now in the east for those of you who have been sleeping

um I don't know I think I'm gonna go with the Bruins on that one then you got the fucking hated habs the lightning I take the habs I think Pittsburgh's gonna beat the blue jackets and I like the flyers to beat the

fucking rages um over in the west the best thing about the west if you're a fan of a team from the east is that they're all gonna beat the shit out of each other and only one's gonna be left in the finals that's the only thing I can say about that because they look fucking

strong out there I'm gonna say Minnesota in an upset over the abs uh unfortunately I don't think St. Louis is gonna get by Chicago I'm pulling for those guys to finally fucking make a run

uh Anaheim's gonna beat Dallas and I think the Kings are gonna beat San Jose and those are my picks with absolutely no information behind them I have not watched a hockey game in two weeks so there you go no information behind those picks I'm picking them like a fucking

like a chick when you know what that means most of those will probably come in don't put any money on it because I don't want to deal with that so you're probably asking yourself so they're fucking French Freddy what the hell did you do this week

I continued butchering their language I picked up some new expressions or a couple of words uh an old plat means a flat water excuse me sir excuse me sir I would like an old

plat thank you you know what's funny too I notice the way they don't say we they say we like we and then it means like yeah so if you say we that's like you're going yes

and then they immediately know even with that one word that you're a tourist forget about your fucking Bruins hat that you're wearing you know if they say would you like a beer and you go yes instead of yeah yes I would like a beer mister thank you

if you please but they've been cool as hell so anyways I actually went out to Omaha Beach this weekend I gotta tell you something um if you ever get a chance you gotta do it

it was uh you know what it's not really something you can I can express in words it was it was uh unbelievably moving it was iconic um uh I don't

I don't know where to start we set up a private tour because I can't stand I hate group tours because when you go on group tours you know aside from seeing fat people in jean shorts

there's gonna be that douche who like has read up on the subject and is actually gonna try to out nerd the nerd given the fucking tour and you know which all it does is just drag the tour out

like you know I mean I'm into it but I don't need to hear every fucking nookie nook and cranny you know just give me the fucking bullet points give me the highlights alright and with that if I want to go

deeper into this shit I'll do it on my own you know but you know there's gonna be somebody standing there dressed like some civil war reenactor right just that shit so I don't want to deal with that and and then also

if you have a question you don't have to wait for anybody else so that's basically why I choose to do it like that so basically you show up and the driver takes you we stayed in

Bayou I don't know where the hell it is I don't know how you say it oh this is fucking hilarious so we rented a car once again control freak I don't want to take a fucking shuttle out there with another 20 douche bags I don't

alright so and then we rented this car one way from we took the train from Paris out to Bayou and it was amazing just an amazing ride you know beautiful scenery and that type of thing unless you're looking at somebody's house then it's always ugly

houses near train tracks because basically what you're seeing is the backyard of somebody who can't afford to not live right next to the fucking train tracks but when you get out of the towns the scenery is beautiful so we get out Bayou or whatever

it's what I'm going to call it Bayou Bayou whatever the fuck you call it and I go to the rental car place and now we're in the shit okay in Paris she runs into people that can speak English out there and you know for the most part nobody speaks

any English and when it was actually fun I kind of learned what my wife does when she talks to people like she doesn't understand most of what they're saying she just looks at what they're doing and at some point

they'll give away kind of the betray basically what the fuck they're saying and what it is is not freaking out you kind of got to sit in the pocket and wait for them to point at something do some sort of shoulder shrug because

you're renting a car which you've done a zillion times so you know what happens they basically say hey how are you and you're like hi my name is so and so I want a car and then they'll say the next thing is do you have an ID or do you have a reservation number

you kind of know the series of questions and it's just something about there'll be either one word that you pick up or just something that they point or something like I asked this woman where the bathroom was we went out to this

fucking Jesus Christ we went out to this I don't know what you call it what do you call it when people just take their old shit and they just they all go to the same dirt parking lot a bizarre a market

we went to this fucking market so the great thing about this market was they had it in the same place in the middle of the country every fucking week and so somebody built like a little restaurant up there where you could go drink it was the greatest market I've ever been to

sitting there waiting around all this shit but I gotta tell you my wife found some gems in there but I just don't have the patience it's just sitting out on a damn table it just looks like shit to me so I went in and I had a couple of beers and this woman didn't speak any English

and finally I asked her you know and she's still looking at me like what and I'm like Jesus Christ I can't even convey that to you the fucking toilet seaboo play right so she starts

going a mile a minute in French and I'm like I'm fucked and she's pointing out the door and I have no idea what she's saying and then she kind of does this loop around sort of motion with her hand and I'm like oh it's outside and around the fucking corner and lo and behold

there was WC water closet that's what they call it they call it a water closet because that sounds much better than a shit check whatever the fuck you'd call it right so I go in there and I didn't have

my phone on me I really wish I could have taken a picture I basically you stand on this porcelain thing and there's a hole in the ground you just pee in too it's like these two porcelain like things you're supposed to stand on

I'm like I'm not fucking standing on those things so I stood behind the porcelain thing and I got a little arc going you know like Larry Byrd the three point contest just one after another going right in the hole and you know I missed the last 10 seconds anyways

what was my point so anyway we go to Bayou Bayou whatever the fuck you call it and oh yeah so I'm renting a car and this is something that I've noticed now that is international

anytime you rent a car one way that location is going to give you the fucking that car that nobody wants to rent it's going to be a fucked up color it's going to be a fucked up model something about it you know what these people rented

we rent with two people that's all we are they gave us this giant Mercedes van that like a nine passenger fucking van and I'm driving through these little European streets with this thing

with like two pieces of luggage all the way in the back and I know what you're thinking well build some Mercedes this is what you don't realize about Mercedes is they have a lot of low end fucking underpowered cars that they don't send over to the United States

a lot of those I just they just feel they can't compete with Honda's Toyotas and I don't know whatever the Americans are putting out or what but this thing was an underpowered hunk of shit with the Mercedes emblem on the steering wheel and I was turned I can't

tell you how many fucking times I clipped a corner trying to drive this bus around the corner so long story short I'm driving this giant fucking Partridge family Mercedes Ben's truck down the damn street we get to our hotel

everything you know everything's great and we take a quick cat nap and then this guy shows up this guy from Scotland and he took us on this unbelievable tour of basically Omaha Beach in this other area

some point I already forget the name of it and this guy was an absolute maniac absolutely obsessed with World War II and obsessed with D-Day and he had all these photographs

that he had blown up from other books and was talking about misinformation and it was an incredible tour the first point of the tour you actually like the pillboxes and stuff you know where the Germans had their machine guns or it was a little barracks

it was a place to keep their ammunition they're still there you know the guns aren't there but basically where they were is still there and you get to walk into these things like on the ground where these cement bags

that Germans had put you know and it's rained and you know and it all turned hard and now like you can't even if you look at them they actually look like rocks they look like white rocks but they're actually bags of cement and you just look in that going like a German soldier set those fucking things down

and then all the events happened and here they sit 70 years later it gave you goosebumps and this guy knew all the history he goes this is where private so and so came in he threw a grenade you can see the shrapnel

on the wall and you're looking and there's the fucking shrapnel we walked into this one bunker and right to the right was a little like probably just enough for someone to stand and it had like and it was about two inches below

the floor that you were at as far as like where the floor was there and it was a little shower and our tour guy said Hitler got gassed in World War one so he made sure that all of these bunkers had showers in case because I guess you know such a horrific

experience for him you know that he made sure like none of the troops were gonna get caught out there like he did and it was this really bizarre like human moment from one of the most evil people on the fucking planet it's like wow that guy

actually did something nice so there you go people he's not all bad when you walk into a German bunker he made sure they all had a little shower so there you go there's

there's one good thing he still has six to nine million you know bad things in the other part of the ledger but he does have that one thing I bet that was the thing after he blew his brains out if there is an afterlife

and God was giving him shit I bet he just kept coming back to that but I put a shower I did not have to do that you know he lost his temper and started yelling at God

you know God just sat there shaking his head but part of him had to be like I made this what the fuck was I doing on that day and then he just presses that little button under his desk which is why would it be under his desk like what's he nervous he's running shit he's

like the dawn of all dawns I bet he just let him talk sit there stammering dancing around sweating before he fucking opened the trap door um anyways

what am I talking about here let me let me do a little bit of advertising and I'll get back to this shit here and I apologize for the sound of the clicking I know this is annoying but what do you want from me well Bill we'd like a professional podcast well then you know what listen to a professional podcast don't listen to this one

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shut off the podcast right now the fuck I'm doing you guys a solid here reading your ad then you tell them to shut off my podcast you know what they did you know they sat there in their little what are their advertising cubicles you know they just sat there going

like well the problem is is they hear the ad and then they're listening to the rest of the podcast well what if we told them to turn it off now go fuck yourself alright so anyways so

back to the tour so we're walking in out of these bunkers and oh my god and even on the way there this tour was so good like they had all like those uh I guess English people call them hedgerows you know back in

the day to mark your property you grew these giant like rows of bushes that I forget what they call but they had they the guy actually let us get out and touch some of them they had like these these thorns on them that would just rip you to shreds

and um you know they were like seven eight feet high and could be upwards of eight feet across there was no way to get through them so I know in that saving private Ryan they showed a little bit of the fighting that was going on but you couldn't even see through them even today most of them

you couldn't even see through them so as you're walking up the road right on the other side you could have been an entire you know I don't know what do you call it a platoon a division of Germans it was absolutely insane so they used to send patrols out they

hack a little way through it and they would send a patrol into these fields and I guess the rule of thumb in war which I you know I don't know anything about it is they never they never shoot at a patrol

because then you only get like three four guys what you want the patrol to think is that it's safe and then they wait to the entire company basically marches three quarters of the way into the field when they have nowhere to hide they would just mow them down and the Germans

would put like just a couple of nests machine gun nests could handle each one of these fields I mean it just seemed like after you got off the beach you're thinking like okay now it's going to get a little easier and it's just it was just a it was a shit show

basically so anyways so we saw the initial area whatever the fuck that was called and then he's taking us down to Omaha Beach and I got to tell you it was like you know it's great it's a famous beach you look at it and it's undeniable

that's Omaha Beach and this guy broke down the the entire thing you know I didn't even feel worthy of like walking on to the beach like it had like that level of effect on me which I you know I

did I didn't know what I was going to think when I got there but it was it's incredible he shows you the pictures and then he starts pointing out on the bluffs where the Germans were and how few that there were but I guess the bombing run we

fucked it up we didn't do it right on that one where we did it much better on the other beaches Utah and all that but we I don't know it was if you can somehow get over here and do it

you know all you got to do is just get the plane ticket you can stay in a hostel have a banana there's your fucking breakfast jump on a train and go out there I highly suggest anybody who's ever thought about doing it you will not be disappointed and then in the end

the end of the tour he takes you up to the cemetery the American cemetery it's just it's unbelievable it's unbelievable and they play taps at the top of every hour and right as we got there you know probably there for like three minutes and you look at it all

of all of those graves all of those people that died trying to stop this maniac and and then they play taps I mean it's overwhelming to say the least and then of course there's also the English

cemetery which a lot of Americans don't know because we watch the American movies and they make it seem like it was just the Americans who were over there as always but you know something you know what the fucking this English guy downstairs

was laughing giving me shit about how all the American movies like even Argo he goes you know the English and Dutch helped you guys out with that and I go well you know you guys will make your movie then and he's laughing I'm like you guys do it too because I'm one time I was on opiate Anthony the great opiate Anthony

radio program with little Jimmy Jimmy Noran and these guys came in from England and they had made a documentary about the late great beast of a comic Bill Hicks and they were talking about how

Bill Hicks went to England that's where he had to go to get his buzz going and then came back and took America by storm and he's sitting there saying he said this one of the documentary guys was going and while England was listening to

Bill Hicks people in America were busy wasting their time listening to listening to carrot top and I forget if I said it on air or not I wanted I was just like dude you realize that you're in America right now you do realize that so if you're going to spin

these yarns like I was alive during this fucking time is that what I was doing and I'm not shitting on carrot top either I think the guy's funny but like I was like oh I thought I was listening to Carlin and Sam Kinnison I thought I really like Sam Kinnison and

evidently I didn't you know everybody does that shit you know we did everything and we understood and these guys were idiots so so fuck you England you know you do the same shit anyways

I've been over here too long I'm not going to lie to you as fun as this is this is the most relaxed I've been in forever and but I am ready to go home and I'm ready to go back to work I'm ready to start telling jokes again and I miss the hell out of my dog I'm literally walking around

every dog I see was staying in this fucking Saint Tropez or as the locals call it Saint Tropez yeah I know you're like Jesus Christ Bill I know this is the vacation and all fucking vacations

I haven't taken one in forever so whatever I'm blowing some DVD money over here and I got to tell you something we're actually here it's this summer season starts literally the day after we leave so it's kind of cool it's a lot of locals and people are just starting to trickle in

and do you remember that 50 cents do you call it a song is it called a rap is it called a ditty a p-ditty I don't know what the fuck you call it but you remember that one I teach you how to stunt and for people out there

as white as me which means I basically show you how to blow all your money on depreciating assets and make yourself a target every time you drive down the street I believe that that's what stunting is

we walk around with a chain that has a dollar sign on the end of it made out of some precious metal it's a smart thing to do and before all the racist people out there think I'm just talking about African Americans or not I'm talking about anybody

that's new to money like that's what you do but these people out here rich old white dudes they do the same thing but in a much more subtle way they show off their fucking wealth it's fucking

first of all these french guys out here the heads of hair on these sons of bitches is incredible and they all have this same haircut it's like basically how would I how would you describe it it's the it's like the hockey

mullet but with a page boy quaff at the end of it it almost curls back into itself and then they push it back it's like a mullet meets remember Jackie

Stuart Formula 1 race car driver they all have that irish spring cut into some soap with the knife in the 70's haircut and they have their beautiful wives

and they have their sweater draped over them with the fucking and then they have like one piece on them be it a watch glasses but it's only one it's one thing that just says I have more money than fucking god

and then the rest of it is just really neatly put together it's called having class people you don't sit on the hood of your new car holding up handfuls of cash and use that as your fucking facebook page that's what people do

who just got money and always wanted money these cunts here these frogs with their fucking money these guys it's ridiculous and then every once in a while and oh this is another thing that I like is their cars

their whips what I like about these guys because they understand money and how it works a lot of them bought some top of the line car like 20 years ago and just kept it in impeccable shape like I saw this guy he had basically

like the 1993 version of the Mercedes what's the top end big one there the SL fucking whatever S550 he had the 1993 version of this the thing pulls up absolutely immaculate

it looks showroom brand new and he parked it and he got out and I was able to ask him in broken French what year the car was what would I say what was the garage blah blah blah

and he just beamed with pride and he said in 1993 and I was like you knew obviously I was some stupid American trying to talk to him but I was really fucking cool I've seen a couple people over here

they don't just buy out a flashy car they fucking love their car and they keep it really nice I saw like a 1987 BMW like M5 that looked like in showroom condition so you got that level of wealth you know it's funny too

as Mia has just been trashing me because I refuse to buy any I'm in San Tropez clothes and I'm walking in my sweat pants and I got this hat that I got at that Mario the Mew thing and I look like an asshole

I mean I even like go to walk out I see my dad jeans that I'm putting on I really look like an asshole but I don't give a fuck I'm gonna sit there and buy some salmon colored shorts some dumb sweater to drape over my fucking shoulders anyways

so you sit down along the fucking water and just one giant goddamn boat after another is sitting there and I'm trying to think like how much fucking money would you have to have this guy's got a fucking boat down there I swear to god it's gonna be like a 7 million

dollar it's a yacht he's got a flight this guy's boat was so fucking big I'm sitting in the cafe and I'm looking across the street across the sidewalk and into the back of this guy's boat and I'm watching

I thought he was, this is fucking hilarious I thought he was watching a karate movie on his TV he was actually watching Dancing with the Stars it shows you what has happened to karate movies they've become too crouching tiger and not enough hidden dragon if you know what I mean

you know I'd like to see a little more Mark for Death in my movies in Judah Freeland I always told me Mark for Death introduced the breaking of bones into martial arts movies anyways and yeah so basically I'm sitting there

and I'm watching this guy's TV on his fucking boat from a cafe across the street that's how big this boat was that's how big that fucking TV was and it's just been parked there all week or docked whatever you say and um

at one point I'm coming back into town to buy my 900th fucking cigar of the week and I'm looking on the boat and I see a guy a chef on the boat dressed in like you know I'm gonna go cook

a gourmet meal and I'm just thinking how much does that guy cost a year right you gotta give him at least 8500 grand a fucking year to just be ready at any note point like to jump on your boat

and make you a fucking sandwich and I just want to fucking learn how to say permission to come aboard in French and I just want to find like how did you make that what did you do how the fuck do you have that level of money right is that nuts

sorry I hope I'm not boring you guys with this shit oh but anyways let's get back to the buy you thing we ended up going to this museum when we were there that had all this video and that type of stuff and what was really cool

was I'd never seen footage like this I think a lot of it was you know French footage and first of all their museum was way more inclusive like it had it had the

the American troops British troops, Canadian troops and French troops and everything you know a lot of people like you know break the French balls my impression of a French soldier and you just

put your arms up like you're surrendering I guess it took the Germans like about 5-6 weeks to take over France and in that time France lost 90,000 troops not like casualty

like dead that's not even just the wounded so they screwed up a hell of a fight and I've got to be honest with you if we lived that close to the Germans we would have fucking lost and we wouldn't need somebody to bail us the fuck out too

and I know right now you're going give me a fucking break it's like fuck you to this day look at their top end cars look at our top end cars they're still kicking our ass I know the Cadillac and I know the Corvette

but it's nowhere near what they were doing that was another thing that was great on the tour they were talking about how much better their weapons were so when we fucking kill a German we'd pick up their machine gun because their shit was better than ours we basically we fucking wore them down

we just what happened how we finally took the beach on D-Day you know what is they ran out of bullets we just kept coming this fucking they call this guy the butcher of Almaha beach

he was in this position that was they put a gun into the back corner of a hotel and he was just fucking you know doing what Verzi wanted to do with the you know with this goddamn I don't know what the fuck millimeter he had

and he went through seven hours of ammunition in fucking three hours by the end they were shooting like that weaponry where every third bullets a flare and that's how we ended up knocking

out we finally could see where the fuck they were I mean it was just what happened on that day you can't even fucking put it into words and to have a moron like me trying to explain it I just I can't even imagine it and as much as like the beginning of saving Private Ryan

shows it like just to actually just rather than watching some video or movie of it to just be standing on the beach and this guy is telling you the stories showing you the pictures dude it was it was unbelievable, unfucking believable so anyways

I got water in my ear I've had it in my fucking ear and I've tried every goddamn thing I've tried blowing a hair dryer into my ear I've tried jumping on one foot I've tried sleeping on my side it's basically just gradually drying up

and I'm really hoping when I get on the plane my ear is not going to fuck with me Nia was going on the internet looking for fucking everything like as I'm losing my mind I feel like I'm trapped in my own head that's how much water was in there

and they were doing this shit make a suction with your own hand none of that shit works so she finally reads that you go to the pharmacy and you get some alcohol and you squirt the alcohol in your ear

and I'm just like I'm going to put more liquid in there so I just decided to wait it out it's been driving me fucking nuts anyways let's bang out of the last couple of does anybody have like anybody know anything that you can do

to get water out of your ear before I get on the plane and start screaming as the air pressure changes as they pressurize the cabin anyways here we go legal zoom everybody modern technology is great smartphones, ipads

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dot com enter Burr all right back to the back to the podcast here oh by the way everybody over here it seems is either drives a fucking scooter or a goddamn motorcycle and to the point we actually

think it's safe but the dude downstairs is telling me they have more more damn accidents over here than anybody else but then I'm also thinking well they got more people on scooters than anybody else and you got a ton of fucking money over here so you know what that means is that means

you basically you can go out and go buy yourself a bike that's way beyond your capabilities right it also means that you have a complete disregard for 99% of human life like most rich people do you have a sense of entitlement you're going to ride

your fucking scooter in your motorcycle like that that's what I'm saying why am I saying that because I like riding motorcycles every once in a while and it scares the fuck out of me that something bad is going to happen so what I do is I just justify it away in my head the same way I do when I smoke a cigar

I don't smoke that many of these fucking things you know it's what you always do I'm not going to get cirrhosis of the liver this plane isn't going to fucking all of a sudden make a left turn and then nobody can find it that's what you do to get through life

it's what you have to do she's not going to divorce me and take me for everything I got I'm sure her pussy is clean you know it's only four chocolate bar I'll hit the treadmill tomorrow isn't that what you do

you just justify it rather than sitting down go no this is a dumb thing to do this is going to make me fat I need to wear an extra condom just go jerk off you know maybe if you don't call somebody a gray haired cunt

during all the check flicks maybe she won't divorce you and take all your shit right you can do that that's called being an adult I think it's about time you alright talking to you right now the listener

it's about time you guys fucking growed up you understand me I'm getting so fucking sick and tired now anyways oh hey last week me and the lovely Nia had a one of our

classic debates which is basically the two of us talking over each other and then yelling stop interrupting me like most healthy couples do so anyways last week

for those of you who didn't listen what happened was some this guy sent an email and he was basically saying that the woman he's been dating for the last six years when they got together she was beautiful had an amazing body and now she has a new stressful job

and she's put on like 60 to 70 pounds so he's talked to her about her weight he said he's concerned he bought her a gym membership he's trying to get her healthy meals he packs her a lunch he can't help her out

and evidently she's not going to the gym and he found some fast food rappers stuffed under the seat of her car something and he's like what am I supposed to do and Nia flipped out on the guy and I defended the guy alright

and then the listeners you guys all chimed in not all of you but a lot of you sent me emails and a lot of people gave me props for like I gave me compliments for staying in the pocket

and not allowing myself to be railroaded and then they also criticized Nia saying you know it's amazing so beautiful intelligence could just still only hear what she wants to hear and I would throw that right back at you

it would be amazing that you can see her doing that and not notice that you're doing the same thing as the guy you're doing the exact same thing that you're giving her shit about you know basically what happens there when you have a story

between a man and a woman in a relationship you just insert yourself into the story so as a guy who would you be you'd be the guy who had the hot girlfriend who now put on 60 to 70 pounds and now has as the guy said has sloppy tits

as a woman you listen to the story and you listen to I have a stressful job, I'm putting on weight I'm doing the best I can and the person that I love just said I had sloppy tits so her reaction and my reaction

were completely normal it has nothing to do with intelligence it just has to do, it's like a fender bender right you know how fucking we are you blow right through a stop sign and T-bone somebody you get out, the first thing you're going to say is

what the fuck were you doing yeah that stop sign was great you got to come up with some line of bullshit so um whatever, you know the deal everybody just fucking you know people hear what the fuck they want to hear

and they respond to it so I don't give a shit either way God bless you for listening but you know you don't have to say I mean I don't mind you saying oh she was being ignorant but sometimes you know you get a little disrespectful the level of derogatory

that you fucking you take it to you know because you can be anonymous as you sit there in your cubicle or maybe you have an office, maybe you're the office guy right and you got that little fucking thing there you know those marbles at the end

of the metal things they're on the pendulum and you fucking swing it and it click click click click click right just ticking away the seconds of the day whatever that fucking thing's called if you own one of those how soon before you get the giant globe

in the corner that's something a hipster would do you know I really don't like about hipsters which is a really hacking thing to not like half the shit that they make fun of they don't even understand like I'm known as a lot of hipsters

they're obsessed with tail fins on cars they think they're so cheesy that they're fucking awesome you know and they don't even understand the function of like back in the day with that technology you needed them tail fin basically kept the rear end of the car

at high speeds on the ground so you could have more control and you wouldn't get fucking killed not granted if you put a tail fin on a fucking car that's never gonna reach those speeds yeah it is funny but a Nissan Maxima I mean I think you could get up 120 miles an hour right

it should have had a tail fin in the early 90s and people enjoyed them they liked them they looked cool so you stuck them on your car even if it didn't need one the same way you put rims on I don't need to be fucking started with that shit

so anyways I'm probably gonna cut this thing short this week because my internet connection is really horrific out here to the point I'm gonna have to send this podcast in sections because I got a bad feeling if I try to send the whole thing at once that I'm gonna get three quarters

of the way through my internet connection is gonna crap out of me and that's gonna be my day trying to send this fucking thing so that is that is the podcast for this week I hope you enjoyed my little travel fucking diaries I don't know next week I'll be back

you know so Aurevoir Abietto go fuck yourself that's the podcast for this week next week I'll be back home and I'm really ready to go home I wanna see my dog I wanna watch some hockey you know

I wanna eat that American food that makes you fat I gotta tell you something I've been eating like a fucking animal over here and I've barely put on any weight alright I don't know what kind of poison is in our food over there in the States but I'm telling you I am eating like a fucking

well you know something over here you're kind of nibble but you're doing it the whole day like all the lunch places close at two o'clock so then you have cafes and they're always bringing out some sort of pastry or some shit ah Jesus Christ listen to me sitting in a cafe eating pastries what the fuck happened to me I gotta get back to the States

I will be back next week and the podcast will sound at least semi-professional I appreciate you guys toughen your way through these things and like I said once again if you ever get a chance to go visit Omaha Beach you gotta do it

you definitely gotta do it I highly recommend it alright that's it go fuck yourselves we'll talk to you next time music music