Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-16-15

Episode Date: April 17, 2015

Bill rambles about head transplants, buying a rug and debuts the gym song.

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On the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. How's it going? How's your week been going so far? Has it been good? I just got fucking screwed. You know, my wife wanted a rug, right? So she gets a rug sent over here just so

we can look at the fucking thing, right? That's like when they have you foster a dog. You're just fostering it. Now, you fucking own it the second it's home. So they're telling me, you know, you should haggle with this guy. Haggle with them. And I'm like, all right.

They go, yeah, he's Iranian. They love doing it. They love haggling. So I'm like, all right, fine. I've watched enough fast and loud. I know what I got to do. I got it all, man. I can't do that.

I mean, no matter what the guy says, that's what I've learned from Richard Rollings. No matter what they say, you can't do that. Like, hey, Richard, I got this Ford Pentel. Now, I got to pick a better car, some car that he would want, right? What have I got a 67 Dodge Corvette here? I have $900 million invested in it.

I was wondering if you'd give me $40 for it. And then he always says, I can't do that. I mean, this car is even worth $15. I'll give you, I'll give you eight bucks for it. I mean, there's got to be some meat on the bone for me, right? I'm doing all my Richard Rollings. If I had the hair, I'd be fucking rubbing my fingers through my hair. Dude, this guy, this guy wouldn't budge.

He shows up. We're at the house. He knows she wants it. I even fucking rolled the rug up like I was ready to give it back to him before we started negotiating. And he just, he wouldn't budge. And he had this big, silly smile.

And I started to like the guy, and the whole thing went off the rails. He just kept going, my friend, look, he goes, you should be thanking me for giving you such a wonderful rug for this price. I'm like, what are you, why are you always the hero in all of your stories? What about me?

You know, come my way a little bit. I don't know. He was so full of shit. Even his buddy sat down and started laughing at one point. But in the end, in the end, oh, Billy Freckles, oh, Billy Redface, still fucking paid. I still paid top.

Did I pay top dollar? I don't know. I don't know. She already negotiated down. And I came in halfway through the fucking thing. I thought I watched a couple of Fast and Louds. I was like, I can do this shit. I didn't.

I thought I was Richard Rawings. I didn't realize that he was Richard Rawings. And I was that jerk off standing in my driveway. Unreal. I even did the cash. I go, dude, I got cash. Okay. You can either walk out with the rug

or walk out with this cash. You just kept going, dude, I can't do that. I can't do that. You know what I should have said? I want to take the fucking rug. I should have said that, and I never did. You know why? Because I hate shopping.

And the fucking rug's there. And it's a rug. And it's on the floor. And it's done. I didn't know why I negotiated with them. I just wanted to get on with my day. What is it? How much does this cost?

Here. Beat it. So whatever. I feel like an asshole. If I could have just knocked them down one dollar, I would have felt good. Jesus Christ. This is why I have representation.

You know what I mean? This is the reason why. So anyways, who cares? Who gives a fuck that I just got screwed on a rug? Well, I do. But I'm going to pretend like I don't. Because I got this big tour coming up. The Billy Bible Belt tour.

Coming down through the deep south. All right. We're starting off in Savannah. Then we're going up Knoxville. Then up Chattanooga. Then Memphis. Then down Shreveport. Then Normans.

And then we're going to Hampton. Then we're going to Mobile. Then we're going to some other shit. We end up in Kentucky. Then Evansville. Then we go to the Kentucky Derby. It's going to be great. It's going to make sure I still work out.

I'm going to make sure I still work out. You know what I mean? And I'll booze at night. I'm going to try to not smoke a cigar. The whole fucking thing. All right. I've had 12 cigars so far this year. I figure if I can make it to June,

then I'm averaging two a month. If I go the whole year. The rest of the fucking year. Then that was just once a month. And then I'm all right. You know. Trying to get them out of my life. But every once in a while.

I got to tell you. Oh, I got to tell you. Late at night. Late at night is when I always want one. You know. My wife will smoke the occasional cigarette, which I'm trying to get her to stop doing. Once in a while.

She's just down in the back porch. She's enjoying the cigarette. And it just makes me want to come out there. And smoke a stove. You hear the sound of my voice? Do you hear? I just got come. I just want to sit out there.

That's what I want to do. And I'm going to try to avoid doing that. But I've been going to the gym every single day. And I think it finally just, I finally snapped. The other day I was like, did not want to go. And I'm fighting pulling into like a fucking McDonald's or whatever. And I'm just making myself drive to the gym.

And I didn't think I was going to make it. And I just started singing this dumb song. You know, it started off in my accent. Going, I go to the gym every day. It's just become a part of my life. And if you don't want to be a fatty, you go to the gym every day. You cunt, right? I just start singing this song.

And each time he gets a little louder. Oh, I go to the gym every day. I start banging. It's just become a part of my life slamming the steering wheel. And if you don't want to be a fatty, you go to the gym every day. You cunt. By the time I got to the gym and screaming the song with my windows rolled up, of course,

and some brutal hybrid English accent Australian, I don't know what the fuck it kind of accent it was. Oh, I go to the gym every day. You know, and if you don't want to be a fatty, you go to the gym every day. You cunt. Oh, once I get in there. Once I get in there.

I fucking walk up the steps. It's good walking music marching right up the steps. Once I stretch and I do the first set, then I'm fine. Then I'm fine. I gotta tell you something. I don't know what I've done. I've passed a certain age where it's just, it just sucks every time.

It used to be like, all right, sucks the first two, three days. And then I'm good. This, this, this has not, this has not been fun from the first day I got in there. And I am officially an old fuck. It's driving me nuts though, but whatever, whatever. Fucking gym. There's always that little guy that's loud at the gym.

You know, that guy, the short guy's got a fucking yell that somebody sees like 20 stations over. Oh, my God. This might be like, dude, we all see you. Okay. We see you. Okay. With your little outfit.

This is this little guy at the gym, right? When I work out and he's always yelling over at people and he's making jokes and they're never funny and he doesn't have charisma. And nobody's had the decency to tell him to shut up yet. And there's this weird thing where I hate going to the fucking gym. So every day I feel like eventually it's going to be me.

I feel like, dude, why are you always yelling? Why are you always yelling over at people, you know? Just fucking put on your little Walkman. Okay. Do your little curls. Get the fuck out of here. You know, does it really have to do with him or the fact that I don't want to be there?

I'm an old school gym guy. The only day I like is bench pressing. Dude, what are you benching? That's the only thing that I pay attention to. I don't pay attention to anything else. So I've been doing pretty good with the legs. The legs and eggs over there. Anyways, you know, last week on the podcast,

and I know I'm brutally on the rag this week. I apologize, is I told you guys, if you want me to talk about some shit on the podcast, you want me to just tweet it to hashtag TAMMP, Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast. And I got to be honest with you. Actually, people have sent me some really good stuff. You know, I was watching some of that playoff hockey.

I got a couple of hockey questions. I was watching it by myself crying into my beer. You know, if everybody's giving shit to the Bruins, I mean, we were only like within, we were like within 10 points of the fucking Canadians. 15 points. It's not like it was that fucking bad. You know, couple two, three, seven games go the other way.

I mean, we fucking won the division. So anyways, I watched it yesterday. I watched some of the Montreal Ottawa game. Regrettably, I missed the second period, but where all the goals and all the action happened, and I couldn't believe they fucking kicked out PK, man. That was bullshit. I mean, that was your classic two-hander,

sit down for five minutes. I'm just going to say what everybody else said, but I actually agreed with that, and I fucking hate the Canadians. And I got to tell you, if you're Ottawa, you got to be taken if we can't beat the Canadians without PK too, but you got to think, man, that was their time, you know,

to get fucking home ice. They had to do it. They didn't get it done. They didn't get it done. You know why? Because they're a quaint little city with a cute little river, and they're happy. That's the one thing I got when I was down in Ottawa.

They were satisfied. They had this cute little town. They were still considered the capital for some reason. And, you know, it's a nice life down there. You know, you get up to Montreal. Everybody walking around with a carnation in their fucking collar just trying to be somebody. And the lapel, I should say, that collar.

You know, you know what's funny? Actually, some Canadian fans actually really get pissed off at me giving these stupid little fucking jabs at them like someone's going like, oh, Bill, you think Canadians fans are dumb? You didn't even know the kings were in the fucking playoffs. That's trivial horseshit. 15, 16 fuckers.

Oh, X got to be an even number. 16 fucking teams make the playoffs. I was busy. You're telling me the fact that I didn't know that the kings were in the playoffs is worse than you guys booing the greatest goalie of the last 30 years out of your building, causing you to never win another Stanley Cup since.

You realize you're on a fucking 22-year drought? Oh, my God, I hope that fucking keeps going this year. That would really, really make my fucking year if the Canadians lose again. It would just be fucking tremendous. It would be tremendous. Although I think they got a decent shot. I was watching some of the West.

I don't know. The Blackhawks don't seem like the old Blackhawks. The kings aren't in it. Who the fuck is left? I think this is the biggest chance to win a cup in a long fucking time. Well, I guess we won it in 2011. But you know what I mean.

They just had juggernauts out there. And even their shit crybaby teams like the Vancouver Canucks, even they were halfway decent, right? And I'll still say they're crybabies. As long as Burroughs is still there, the Sadeen sisters, whatever the fall, you know all those guys who could beat the shit out of me. Oh, tough on his podcast, Billy.

So anyways, I watched, I actually watched the Blackhawks and Predators. Oh, and by the way, the Canucks fucking goalie. That helmet's the greatest thing I've seen in hockey in a long time. That's just phenomenal. I don't know what the fuck that is. Is that a little fucking gun safe that he put a fucking visor on?

Just carved out the middle of the thing. I don't even know what it is. It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I love it. He should wear that thing his entire career. Never get the team colors and just understand that it's just a business. You know what I mean?

I'm not trying to do any fucking rah-rah, sys-boom, bah-whore shit. I'm just here to stop pucks and they're going to hit me in the head and they're going to mark up the beautiful paint job anyway. Why don't I just paint it the color of the fucking puck and I'll stand here and let you shoot shit at me until I get traded? That's what I got out of it.

I'm sure there's probably some story about a war hero in there, but I didn't look it up. I didn't fucking look it up. So anyway, somebody asked me, Hockaholic 27 asked me, how about Nashville only selling tickets to Tennessee residents to keep Hock fans out of their building? I don't know why they don't do that anyways.

Go fuck yourself. You want to go to a Hawks game, go to one in Chicago. I don't understand why they got, especially if you're in Nashville. You know everybody there had some line dancing to go to, so the place would have been overrun by Hawks fans. You know, half their fan base had to lose in a line dancing contest just so they would be available that night to go to game one.

They had to hold on to those tickets and wait till the Sammy's were over. I don't have a problem with that. I would love to see that happen, especially for Canadian fans because Montreal Canadian fans, I always thought they traveled because they were great fans, but I guess most of them can't afford to go to a home game. I guess they don't have a lot of money up there and times are tough and when you blow it all on loafers and blue sport coats

or whatever the fuck it is that they wear, you know, in the Parliament, you know. So I would love to see that happen. Yeah, fuck you, it's our building. It's our building we can sell to who we want to. I think it's great that they did it. The cheesy, let's all wear the same color t-shirt. I'm not a fan of that, but that's kind of weak,

but don't you think it was better though that all those Predator fans got to watch that team blow a three goal lead? That's one of the things, I don't know who I'm for in that series, because I really like the Blackhawks, but I always like, I'd say an underdog, but I guess Nashville is ranked higher, but come on, come on. Blackhawks have won two this decade, they know what to do. All right, so any predictions in the playoffs?

No, not really. I don't have any predictions because I barely watched this year because I was really busy, although I watched pretty much most of the Bruins. Tragedy of the Bruins. All right, in reply to the podcast, this guy says, Bill, here's a new way to get a flat stomach. Italian doctors plan the first human head transplant.

I swear to God, this, I can't say this is true, it's on the internet. It's on medical, what is it, medicalnewstoday.com. 30 year old Russian man volunteers for the first, for world's first human head transplant. And basically this guy has some horrific disease where he's lost control of his body. So he's like, fuck it, why don't I get a new body? Can you imagine if they pull this off?

Like, I don't understand how they're gonna chop the head off and keep, like, think about that. Okay, as far as my little know of the anatomy, everybody right now is, everybody right now, knowing I'm going, waiting into these deep waters right now, I should just be sitting there going, oh, Jesus, he's gonna try to talk about anatomy. Don't you have one intake hose and one outtake hose

and like your brain's like a radiator, right? And the intake is like oxygenated blood and then the other shit coming out is, that's your blue blood, right? Sorry, Jack Black. Not Jack Black, Jack White, sorry. Isn't that how it works? So you basically, you gotta sever one of them.

I figure you'd sever the outtake first, right? To have, you know, and then what do you gotta do? You gotta hook that up to some sort of other machine that has, that's for the, that's the outtake blood and then you gotta do the other one for the end. I don't know how the fuck are you gonna do that? It's gonna be messy as, I wanna know how the fuck they're gonna even try to do this.

You ever see somebody get stabbed in a jugular, just in the movies, it's fucking insane. Forget about in hockey, you know? Somebody comes in with a skate and catches a guy and it just starts going out like a sprinkler and they even say they just nicked the jugular, right? Anyway, so they're gonna do this. Now, if they actually pull this up,

this is some shit where you could potentially, you're talking about like, I don't know if you could live forever. They are gonna live. Because your brain's still fucking old, right? That becomes the problem. But if your body is messed up, well, wait a minute,

then the obvious fucking question should be is who's the guy gonna give up his body? Playing fucking musical chairs with the rest of your fucking torso there. Let me read this here a little bit. This guy says, I can hardly control my body now. He said, I need help every day, every minute. I am now 30 years old, although people rarely live

to be more than 20 with this disease. So this guy's crushing it. Donor body will be attached to recipients head through spinal cord fusion. What? Doctor, I can't even say the name of the doctor, told CNN he received an array of emails and letters from people asking to be considered for the procedure,

many of which have been from transgender individuals seeking a new body. Jesus Christ. Just when you thought like having your dick removed was like the most like X game thing you can do as far as like an operation. These guys are saying, fuck it. Cut my head off and put it on the opposite sex's body.

Jesus Christ. This is like Nazi doctor shit. This is fucking insane. How the hell are you gonna do that? I can't wrap my head around it. However, the surgeon says the first people to undergo the procedure will be those with muscular waist pain, those with muscular waisting condition,

like this spirit donov. The procedure which is estimated to take 100 surgeons, 100 surgeons around 36 hours to complete. How the fuck are they going to all be around the table? What are they going to? Oh, I guess because it's got to be 24 seven. It's going to be like line changes in hockey, except with surgeons.

This surgeon's coming over the fucking boards except they were sleeping. Come on, you're up, you're up. Wake, wake, where are we at? Let's see, the procedure which is going to take an estimated 100 surgeons around 36 hours to complete will involve spinal cord fusion, SCF for those in the business. The head from a donor body will be removed

using an ultra sharp blade in order to limit the amount of damage, right? Damage to the spinal cord system. How do you even think about that? You're severing a spinal cord. Now, wait a minute. If they can do that, didn't they just cure paralysis? How can you cut the fucking cord on one guy

and then stick it on another one because you already have all the stuff? Was that too technical for you guys? Jesus Christ. This is like on Fast and Loud when they took a fucking 2015 SCAT CAT and they took the guts out of that and put it in the 71, except way harder.

Oh, Jesus. Let's continue. The spinal cord of the donor body will then be fused with the spinal cord of the recipient's head. Oh, so they're just taking the spinal cord. I thought they were taking the whole body. Chemicals called PARI, I don't even try. Can be used to encourage spinal cord fusion

according to Dr. Canaverero. The muscles and blood supply will then be sutured. Oh, so you mean when like he essentially bleeds out, you're then going to suture it to what? Dude, please, if they televise this, I will watch all 36 hours. I will watch all 36 hours of how in the fuck you're going to cut somebody's head off.

That's unbelievable. Okay, the recipient will be kept in a coma for around three to four weeks, said Dr. Canaverero. During which time the spinal cord will be subject to electrical stimulation via implanted electrodes in order to, this can't be, how to, let me get this straight. I'm not here cancer, but this guy, this can't be real.

The surgeon estimates that with the help of physical therapy, the patient would be able to walk within one year. The fucking dude with the disease says he is worried, undergo, it was asked if he was worried. Am I afraid? Yes, of course I am, but it is not, but it is not just very scary, but also very interesting.

I mean, I would watch it. I don't think I would do it. Now, wait a minute. If they actually are able to do this, then those cryogenics people are right. And next thing you know, Ted Williams, a noseless Ted Williams could be walking around. All right, there you go.

All right, did you laugh hard enough at me? Sounding that fucking stupid. All right, Bill, how about a rant about people complaining about Brady's first pitch? You know what, I didn't see it. I would guess the reason why the pitch didn't make it to home plate was because of those four rings on his throwing finger.

Huh? When are you people just going to admit he's better looking than you? He has more championships than you. He's taller than you, and he has a better looking wife than you. It's fucking over. Game, set, match, straight sets.

You didn't return one ball. He aced you every fucking game. You lost six love, six love, six love. The ball was always in. Chalk was always flying up when he was serving. What do I think about it? I don't give a shit. He's a quarterback.

He's not supposed to be able to throw a baseball. Okay, he throws a man size ball, not that little fucking beanbag that those guys are throwing. All right, you guys are really going with some heady shit here. Bill, this will get your brain cord twisting. Thoughts, Earth's magnetic reversal.

Yeah, I'll post this video. This is a video about how the north and south poles are now moving, which is really pissing me off as I'm learning about aviation and all this shit. I'm finally figuring out the difference between true north and magnetic north and all this type of shit and evidently not only are the poles going to shift, so compasses won't work.

The atmosphere is just not going to be able, we're just going to disappear. I got to be honest with you. I don't give a shit that the Earth's magnetic poles are reversing or moving towards one another. I could completely give a shit. I wish that they weren't, but there's nothing I can do about it.

That's like when people sit there and go, dude, you live on top of a super volcano. I think that is super, fantastic. And if it goes off, I'm not even going to know what happened, as opposed to you guys who will be living in some, I don't know what. You'll watch the sun disappear for the last time in your life is what's going to happen is you're under that fucking

clouds of ash and everything dies. I mean, I don't want to be part of that. You got it, but you have to watch, you got to watch this YouTube video and just the fucking, the level of egghead shit going on there. You're a better man than me if you can watch that whole video and not hate the person that did the voiceover.

You know, not be so insecure that you fucking don't hate the person that did the voiceover because the dude was annoying the shit out of me. You know, I mean, like doctors over here blew that theory out of the water. Oh, did they guy who made the video and didn't do any fucking research? All right.

Sorry. Hey, Bill, do a rant on big click ads. The ones that say he did this and you won't believe what was next. Yeah, I felt for that for about 40 times. First 40 times. I don't, I don't, I deliberately do not click on those anymore. They're fucking annoying as shit.

And yeah, oh my God, trying to find like to be the top or those ones that go like the top worst knows jobs ever. And you're like, all right, let me look at these. And then you get to the first photo and there's like no fucking way it seems to get to the next one without clicking on a fucking ad for a Buick or something. I can't believe advertisers are paying for that. Like, I can't remember anything I've ever seen.

And if I did, I wouldn't buy it because it was annoying the way I found out about it. But you know, it's funny, there's this theory and advertising like, you know, you don't remember it, but your subconscious remembers it. Right. Such bullshit. But you know, if it puts fucking fruit loops on the table,

God bless them. God bless them. Bill, please give us a take on today's fight for 15 protests. People just microwave poisonous food want $15 an hour. I don't know what fight for 15 is. Is that for $15 an hour? I don't give a shit when people, you know, poor people want more money.

I don't that does not bother me as much as unless they're lazy, you know, and they're not doing a good job microwaving the food, they should just get fired. You know, but if you're actually busting your ass back down, I'll give a fuck that you want money. You know, I don't give a shit that they want Ronald to fucking undo the purse strings. You know, how about all the rich cunts at the top?

This is why I'll never understand Republicans is their hatred of the poor. You know, I'll never understand that. I'm not saying I actually like Democrats either. I don't like Democrats as far as politicians go because they try to act like they're the friends of the middle class and poor and they're not. It's like you're the same fucking guy.

You're sitting down eating the same goddamn dinner, five grand a fucking plate. All right, you're in bread with the same fucking people. So go fuck yourself. So there's more of an honesty with Republicans, but I just don't understand why they hate the fucking poor or why they blame them for everything. It's just fucking, I mean, you got a small group of fucking

cunts at the top. They've literally turned our food supply into poison. And these idiots would rather rant about purse snatchers. It just fucking kills me. Goddamn Apple will cause cancer. I guarantee you in the future the ones that don't turn brown because these guys are fucking with them because they're sick and not making all the money on all the fucking apples.

I don't know. I am such a fucking pessimist. I actually think that it's great that the atmosphere is going to be sucked out of the planet. We're all going to die. I think it's a tremendous fucking thing. It needs to happen, right? Don't you think?

Come on, be honest. Haven't we kind of played out? I think human beings at this point, do you know that band that just keeps touring, playing their hit? I think that that's where we're at right now. You know what I mean? Well, like, what is that band, Big Country, you know? They're probably still somewhere right now singing,

In a big country, dreams stay with you, Like a lover's voice from the mouth inside. That's actually a great song. And the lead singer killed himself. But you know, you know, the rest of the band's still going. They're still playing that fucking song, right? They got some guy that just sounds like him, but he's like Filipino.

What was that journey? I have no idea. Anyways, we're winding down here. What else do we got here? Oh, God, this is a disgusting picture of some hot chick laying next to a dead giraffe that she just shot. Ricky Gervais trashed her. And she tried to say that it was dying anyways

and the villagers wanted her to kill it. Doesn't that just sound like a bunch of bullshit? Like, oh, they wanted you to kill it? They couldn't kill it themselves? They only live out there. They've just been sitting there forever in the middle of Africa going, gee, I wish some white lady would show up and kill a giraffe for us.

We're really hungry. I don't believe in that. I think she just likes killing big shit and then doing a stupid photo next to it. I don't understand people that go out and kill lions. I think you're a fucking asshole if you do that, even if you shoot a bear. Unless the bear is wandering into the neighborhood.

You know what I mean? I don't understand how you can go out. Go ahead and go shoot a deer. I don't give a fuck. There's a zillion of them. I guess if there's a lot of bear, you got to shoot them too. But I mean, I know there's not a lot of lions.

You got to shoot one and then stand on it and show its fucking teeth. I respect the skill of hunting, as far as I feel like people should know how to do it. But that whole posing with the animal after you shot it, like, you know, you guys just had a bear-knuckle fight and you fucking knocked it out. I mean, just the amount of shit.

You ever watch the hunting channel? Fucking assholes. They got like a loft apartment up in a tree covered in the urine of the animal and then they got this little fucking kazoo. It sounds just like a fucking turtle or whatever, right? How much more can the game be rigged? Just fucking sitting there.

You got all this fucking state-of-the-art shit. Dude, we are the most evil animal on the planet. I know I'm part of it. I know I'm a fucking part of it. The shit that we do to animals is absolutely horrific. Now, I will always be a meat eater. So the way I justify my evil is I just try to eat chickens. I eat fucking cows, pigs, and I don't give a fuck about pigs.

Cows and chickens I feel bad for because they never eat me. But a pig would eat me. I've watched enough Hollywood movies that are based on nothing but horseshit to know that that's actually a true thing. That if you killed me, you could feed me to a pig, right? Pigs need to eat too. Oh, I go to the gym every day.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I just... There's no need for that. There's no need for that. There's just something fucking annoying about laying there with a big, stupid grin on your face. Although, I will say, she's kind of hot. She looks like a pan-amp stewardess to me.

Way back in the day. Coffee, tea, or me. Remember that shit? You could actually fuck a waitress back in the day. I remember there was a little kid seeing it go down. I'd be like, mommy, what's going on there? And she'd be like, son, he's in first class. And you have to understand that they get extra perks.

And I said, well, next time can we fly to first class? And she just looked straight ahead and shook her head. And that was the last time I talked to my mother. All right, what do we got here? Woman fattened up by boyfriend to deter rivals says yes to marriage proposal after two years of binge eating. Oh my, that's not true. Jealous boyfriend fattened up girlfriend

to put off any love rivals. I'm calling bullshit on this one. If this was true, wouldn't there be a bunch of fucking women's groups stomping around and complaining and making up horse shit and then having to fucking apologize for it? You know what I mean? That's the one thing about the woman's movement at this point.

They've literally, they've been bitching for so long. They're getting dangerously close to just having to make up shit. So this is seeming like this is part of it. I chew. Oh my God, that's fucking hilarious. Instead of saying I do, they wrote I chew. Oh, it's Daily Mail. Those cunts who like to make up shit.

I don't believe a fucking word of this. She was fattened up by a jealous boyfriend to deter love rivals, says yes to marriage proposal after two years of binge eating. Yantai weighed just over two, just over seven stone. Oh, is that what she weighed? What the fuck is with England? Can you fucking get a goddamn number in there?

When she began dating seven stone, how many sticks did she weigh? A couple of fags. By two years on and she was, she is ballooned to almost double her weight. You splashed out on meals every day in a, what? Oh, you is the guy's name. Should say Yan. Daily Mail is the fucking worst.

You know what? They type the way I read. All right, let's get off of this fucking thing. Where are we? Let's go back there. Well, you know, she is a, she is a human being and she has the ability to say, no, thank you, I'm full. So that's on her.

And that's not blaming the victim there. That's empowering the victim where, you know, you have the deal, you have the ability to say, listen, I'm done with this shit. I need to get on a treadmill. Okay. I don't want any more orange chicken. All right. Now fuck off.

She's so fat you can't hear her because it's like her cheeks are so close to the guy. I said, I don't fucking, I don't want fucking orange chicken, okay? Fuck you. And he's like, I'm sorry. I can't understand you. Is he sticking another fucking dumpling? I swear to God. I, if I dated an authentic Asian woman by authentic, I mean, from, from, from the motherland.

Okay. And she could throw down with dumplings that we have to be over. You think I got a big head now and be fucking over when I was in Hong Kong, I'm going to tell you something that dim sum I went to was some of the best fucking food I've ever had in my life. You know what I mean? You have a chicken and dumplings. That's an insult to the way that the dumplings are made over in Asia. It's incredible.

I would be, well, I guess that wouldn't be fat. Nobody was really fat over there. How do they do it? Oh, the dumplings are good. All right. Nick Daisy says, a German came in second to Bruce Jenner at the 76 Olympics. How do you think he's handling Bruce's journey? How gives a fuck?

What are you saying? Because he, he lost to a guy who wants to be a woman. Well, if he's actually like, I don't know if he has issues with that. I mean, can he just reconcile it with that he was a man? He was a man when he did it, right? Does that means anything? I don't fucking, I don't even, you know, that's one of those fucking questions that you just, you just, that's one of those things you can joke about in a bar.

But if you actually put it on Twitter, then it becomes like, what are you saying? Are you saying that people can't hire? All right. The old men at the gym who use blowdrivers to dry their junk. What do I tell them? Are they just blowing junk stuff into the locker room? I don't know what to tell you. I think I already addressed that one.

I'm going to do one more here. Then I got to get the fuck out of here. I got to get on with my day. And you guys can then listen to some classic clips from the MM podcast that goes back to 2007. Oh, why don't we come up with you with today? Well, tongue-tied Billy today. Hey, old Billy, slap shot. How about a rant about the Islanders moving to Brooklyn?

Yeah, I don't understand why that has to happen. I think what happened was they built that Barclay Center, whatever the fuck it's called. And then all of a sudden, Nassau Coliseum started looking like an old car. And they wanted him to leave. I think it stinks. I think it's cool that the Islanders are out there. Everything that was cool about hockey is just going away. Just the weird places that they had teams.

You know what I mean? Just back in the day. Do you realize back in the day, Boston, Quebec, Montreal, Buffalo, and Hartford, you could drive. I mean, whatever. Montreal and Quebec were a little bit of a drive. But they were all within a fucking 45-minute flight of each other. They were all bunched up right there, right? Montreal, the Canadians, the Nordiques, the Bruins, the Whalers, and the Sabres.

All right, those five teams, that was the Adams Division. And then right underneath them, they had like another like six or seven teams. You had the Islanders, the Rangers, the Devils, the Flyers, and the Capitals. One, two, three, four, five. Another five fucking teams. Then you had to go way out to Western Pennsylvania for Pittsburgh. You had basically, you had 10 teams. They were all like within an hour flight of each other.

Hour and a half. Like, it was insane. It was like Major League Baseball when it first came out. Well, you had the Red Sox and Brays were in Boston. You had three teams in New York. You had two teams in Philly. You literally could have traveled by train back in the day. It just kills me that they're just going to gradually move them to all the same fucking cities

that every other goddamn major sports team is in. I don't like it, to be honest with you. And I missed last night's game for some reason. That one, I couldn't find why that thing was televised, so I missed the Capitals Islanders game. Both of those teams I really like. And, you know, I don't know. That's a weird matchup for me because I like Johnny Boychuk, so I'm rooting for him, but I also like Ovechkin, so whatever.

We'll see. We'll see how it pans out. All right, so that's the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I hope you enjoy some of these classic clips. And next time I talk to you guys, I'm going to be on the bus tour with Paul Verzi and Jason Lawhead, and hopefully I'll be able to get those two clowns on the podcast and be able to update you along the way as we make our way through the deep south and onto the Kentucky Derby.

All right, you guys have a nice, wonderful weekend, I guess I should say. Maybe I'll be nice at the end of these. I'll tell you to go fuck yourself on Monday and then on Thursday. Hey, you guys, have a great weekend, huh? Hey, anyways, clown ahead. Let's read, what the fuck was I going to read here? Questions, I already did that. This is called Broads Over There.

Broads Over There. I don't even know what the hell this is. Let's read this one. Bill, I've been a fan of yours sometime. I just wanted to tell you that I think you're great. Thank you. Why don't I fucking delete those? I think you're comedy, but...

All right, anyways, the reason I am writing you is to tell you a funny story. My girl, dating five plus years now, and I live in Tucson, Arizona, and she is always bitching at me saying, we never do anything anymore. Well, my job is very consuming of my time, and I realized that she was correct. So what do I do? So what I do is I try to come up with something we could do together that would be entertaining and unique, something different that is not an average night out in Tucson.

See, the guy's using his brain trying to surprise her. Anyways, I've been telling her about your comedy and showing her clips of you that I found on your MySpace page for the past few months. She really seemed to enjoy it and laughed hysterically. So I planned this great evening for the 20th of November, which goes something like this. Head up to Tempe, have a nice dinner, and head over to the improv and watch your show, your 8 o'clock show.

Well, I bought the tickets and thought I would surprise her with the whole thing. She loved the idea, and she was very excited, and I was pleased to see her excited about the event. Well, we were telling our friends about it, and she sort of says this. It was his evening, and I just thought of tagging along. I got to admit that I was a little upset at this point because I intended this whole thing to be a gift from me to her, which is funny because this is very similar to the story

that you told on the October 19th podcast when you took your girl in the Corvette up the PCH. She just sort of shut me down. So my question to you is, why is it never enough? What a great question. Do you realize you just asked the question of probably every guy on this fucking podcast? Hold on, I'm just going to pause here while the women roll their eyes.

Oh my God, that's bullshit. That's not true. It's just, you know, you got to use your imagination. Women like surprises. They just fucking... Shut up. Just shut up, would you? Just shut up and take off all those fucking layers. It's not the 1800s, you know, with your panties and your pantyhose and your slip and your fucking skirt. Alright, what am I talking about? I don't know.

Anyways, where did I lost my place? So my question to you is, why is it never enough? I can do everything she wants, but she will still find a way to look like an asshole, making it seem like I'm dragging her around and making her do all that stuff that I want to do. I guess that is why I relate to your comedy, because it seems that she is only happy when we do all the things that she wants to do. You know what I'm talking about?

With brunch, street fairs, and the candle store. Nevertheless, we are going and really looking forward to seeing you in person. I hope to see you after the show, selling some CDs and DVDs. Alright, why is it never enough? I don't know. I don't know why. I don't know if it's an insecurity that they are always questioning whether you truly love them or not. I have no idea. I don't know why.

I mean, I would think that... Alright, look at me, okay, I rented a Corvette for the day. Corvette convertible, and I drove my girl all around LA. We went up the fucking Pacific Coast Highway, looked at the ocean. We had lunch. I took her out to this beautiful bar late at night. I drove her through the Hollywood Hills with the top down, looking at the stars, looking at the lights out over the city.

I thought it was a very romantic thing, and then I got on the podcast, and she was just like, yeah, that was really your thing. I just did that for you. I just sort of sat there in a $70,000 automobile, seeing views that people fly six hours to see, and just got a free lunch out of it and free fucking drinks. You ever watch The Price Is Right? Did I just spit on my own microphone?

You ever watch The Price Is Right? You ever watch The Price Is Right? Sure, we all have. Okay, getting a Corvette, and then going to that restaurant and driving up to PCH and looking at the lights and going out to the fucking bar in the hotel with John Belushi O'Deed. Isn't that, that sounds like one of those showcases that you bid on. Are you gonna bid or are you gonna pass?

That, we will end with this thing here for the podcast. Bill, this is under Women and Diamonds. So, Bill, I'm at a party last night, and I see a guy I haven't seen in a long time. He's got his girl with him. She's pretty hot, but she's got this puss look on her face. We were introduced earlier, so I say, hey to her, and ask her what's wrong.

Turns out she's had a few drinks and is throwing around the, I wanna get married shit. I don't think my buddy's having any of it, or at the very least plans to go down swinging. So, anyways, nothing like a party to bring that shit up. Anyway, so I figure this is the perfect opportunity to test out a new theory I have about diamonds. Not really a theory, but a great question

that allows women to show their true colors. Why do I do this? Because I'm a smart ass jerk when I have a few whiskies. I like this guy. This guy sounds like me, right? Why would you actually try to get the girl on your side, and well actually you wouldn't hook up with your buddy's girl, but you know what I mean.

Why would you put out a good vibe when you can actually piss people off? I totally relate to that. Anyways, second half here. Anyway, from what I understand you can basically, now I don't know if this is true enough, but this guy's claiming, from what I understand you can basically buy a real diamond created in a lab.

Eventually they will be much cheaper than the ones they have to dig out of the ground. And they will also be flawless. A fucking perfect diamond. So I asked this girl. I say if she would rather have a perfect flawless diamond created in a lab that costs a lot less or insists on a real dug out of the ground diamond

poor person in Africa. Nearly perfect, but ultimately flawed more than an expensive one. He said you can pretty much guess her answer. Once again, women are fucking stupid about diamonds. Alright, my first question is can they really create one in a lab that's much cheaper and if they can, for the love of God,

shut the fuck up about it. That should be some download like guy shit. You know? And this is what we would do. This is the level that you organize it to. Alright, just so they don't catch on. Because some guy who fucking stock shelves at 7-Eleven is able to buy the hope fucking diamond.

The broads will be able to figure it out quickly. So what we should do is organize this shit. Like the beginning of the warriors except nobody shoots Cyrus. Okay, we organize this shit. And this is what we say. You come in with your W-2 for the fucking year. Alright, we see what you make

and then we give you an unbelievable fucking diamond for making that amount of money. Whatever. Rather than what's it supposed to cost? Six weeks, pay. We give you one that costs like 10 weeks. You know? Put some fake beads of sweat on your fucking brow

when you give it to her and the whole thing's gonna look legit. And meanwhile, we take that money to go buy a new flat screen. Alright? And that's when you make the fucking move. Or after you give it the diamond. Okay, say I bought that diamond for you.

Now I wanna buy something for me. Actually, why don't you help me out on this? Just throw me 100, 200 bucks in this thing. You go out, you get a big fucking flat screen TV. You get the fucking dish. Just in time for NFL football. You know? And I'm sure they offer a college football fucking package

and then you just spend the rest of the football season Saturday and Sunday in total fucking bliss. And anytime she gives you shit, just be like, I'm sorry, honey. I couldn't hear you over the glare of the fucking diamond I put on your goddamn finger. That's what should have happened. If I had half a brain, I wouldn't have read that part

over the goddamn podcast. But I actually get that on some level. Why she would want the other one. I don't get it because I don't wanna think about some poor kid digging that out of the ground. That's the part where it goes off the rails. But they want, you know, they want something of value. You know?

And they, I don't know. They wanna show that they married a provider. I get it on some level. They wanna make their friends jealous. Like, I think their obsession with diamonds, you know, generally speaking, is as dumb as our obsession with sports. Because when you really think about it,

our obsession with sports is really fucking stupid. You know? Sitting on your couch like a goddamn cheerleader wearing the jersey of your favorite player. I mean, not everybody does that. But they're, you know, fantasy football. I mean, fantasy football to me is the male version of sex in the city.

Of women watching sex in the city. For you to sit around and play fantasy football and get together with your friends and have a fucking draft. I mean, you might as well do it in a goddamn tree fort. It's really one of the gayest fucking things you could possibly do. And of course I am saying this, having never tried it.

And I know goddamn well if I tried it, I'd be like, this is fucking awesome. You know? Pass the dip or whatever you fucking guys do. But anyways, I don't know. I just, I, you know, it's, look, if I've learned anything in life, women are crazy and guys are fucking idiots.

And it's not straight across the board, but generally speaking, yeah, they're fucking nuts. They're out of their minds and we're morons. I mean, if you go on YouTube and you just look up those fail videos, most of them are guys trying to do something and they fucking get hit in the balls, land on the back of their head, wreck their car. How many women are driving down the street

on a fucking motorcycle going 90 miles an hour trying to stand up on the seat doing the karate kid pose as they point at the fucking camera and then fucking skin their fucking asses. I mean, how many, you know what I mean? How many fucking women are fucking, whatever that move that Asian dude does or whatever where he fucking somehow gets his car to be doing donuts

and he actually gets out of the car and is holding onto the steering wheel and it's still spinning around. Somehow he's got the gas pedal pushed all the way down, basically in the end he gets run over by his own fucking car. I mean, we're idiots, all right? Women, on the other hand, go to movies and start crying

like they actually know the fucking people on screen get all excited about shiny shit and I gotta be honest with you, I don't even know what the fuck they get excited about. I have such a difficult time listening to them. Such a great chauvinistic thing to say as I fucking took a slug of beer here. Hey!

I'm just a different guy I'm just a different guy Yeah, I know There's Got to be another level So well Come to the other side And I-

I'm feeling like it's now or never But can I break the spell? I'm the typical The typical The typical Our love I'm the typical Rightful spell

Rightful spell Rightful spell Can I break the spell? I'm the typical I'm the typical Rightful spell I'm just a different guy Don't want to hear your word slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite, tip-less size

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