Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-16-20

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

Bill rambles about the dog shit diet, Drake, and that X on the floor.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you see it how you doing during these strange times is this the new normal I I don't know how you guys do it God bless you if you're still fucking watching TV and listening to people saying things like that as we adjust to the new normal I ain't no one fucking person says it and then everybody says it and nobody gets called out for being a hack you know stand up comic if I go up and I go fucking do somebody else's joke I'm a goddamn thief these fucking asshole lazy ass journalist all say in the same fucking shit another favorite of mine oh I love this one is when when people when people say this this is this oh this I'll tell you I'll tell you this one gets

me when when people fucking go you know this has been especially hard for me right immediately let's just grab that camera lens point it right at you sister right this has been especially difficult for me because I'm such a social person can you fucking believe that there's people out there saying that this has been especially difficult for me because I'm such a social person yeah fuck people who lost relatives you're used to going to a cappuccino cupcake down the street and fucking dumping your morning on somebody it's been especially hard for me because I'm such a social person I was actually joking with a buddy of mine saying you know as we stood right next to each other fucking spitting in one another

snow we were on the phone I fucking I was saying people who say you know because I'm such a social person what they really are upset about is not that other people are dying not that people are struggling not that small businesses are trying desperately to stay afloat not that bankers and oil men are still having or cheese fucking horse with no masks on upstairs or downstairs that's not what they're upset about they're upset that this virus stole attention from them you know even if they could get together with their friends the top of a conversation is not gonna be that person it's gonna be COVID-19 and there you guys guys it's really hard for me though it's especially hard for me Jesus fucking Christ sitting in a

house with a flat or apartment whatever a flat screen TV a fucking game boy it's especially hard for me you know I heard maybe two or three people say that and then I just acted like a third of the population did and that is the secret behind my formula fucking fly in here what the fuck virus do you have your cunt you know you know on all this somebody's gonna be like you know it's crazy is you look at these mosquitoes right they'll find some guy rolling around and like human and dog shit and being like what in the fuck are you doing I'm trying to get my immunity up this is the mosquito diet see mosquitoes are on all kinds of shit all day long notice they transfer viruses but they never seem to get one and then these people remember

those people they were like fucking drinking butter you know what I mean and it fucking putting crumbled cigarettes and they're fucking raising brand you've been lied to man it's all the lie the shit's actually good for you right so anyway I don't know what the fuck I was talking about it's gonna be the new thing it's gonna be some sort of new it'll somehow be connected with CrossFit is there'll be some new I'm keeping my immune system I'm alkaline all somehow that will somehow combine with dog shit and of course if you do it then if you're in CrossFit you'll then have to run down the street with the dog shit bag pass everybody eating so everybody can know that you're on the alkaline mosquito immunity fucking CrossFit thing

all right maybe I'm going a little nuts here fucking sitting around I don't know I just took the family out for a drive for the first time in like four days I literally left my block for the first time in like four days right I'm just fucking doing what people say right so we need bananas right so I got my COVID mask and I only have one glove though all right my wife dropped the fucking ball I only got one glove so now I gotta walk into this fucking grocery stew right so it's like all right so I'll hold the baggy bag with my free hand and then the Michael Jackson glove hand is going to grab all the shit right and put it in the bags that's what I did the best I could all right then before I got in the car she spritzed my fucking hand I

threw out the glove okay so fuck off all right I'm doing what I can this is what kills me you go into the grocery store right you go into the place where they sell the food right and everybody's gotten masks on which is great but you're still supposed to try to stay six feet apart people and they're not doing it right and then they literally had X's on the floor to where you're supposed to stand while you're waiting for your turn to pay for your fucking food it's right they're right fucking then people they couldn't do it couldn't do it sort of on it lingering near it I'm it's they they literally have the answers to the test and they're still failing I just I don't uh I am losing a lot of empathy for people you know post this is what I'm

gonna come out of this fucking thing and when I listen to somebody bitching about their fucking career or how they got passed over and blah blah blah blah in my head I'm gonna be like you know there's a great fucking chance this is one of these fucking jerk offs that if you paint a fucking X on the floor and tell them to go stand there that's all they need to do until called upon they can't even do that can't even fucking do that answers to the test still flunking um although I was supposed to have well that says to have masks didn't say to have gloves so I kind of fucked up too I had one bare hand so maybe maybe they were looking at me like you know look at this fucking guy you know just because you're standing on an X you know you got a bare hand there I mean uh you

know who knows maybe you had that hand up some bats ass on a trip to China right and then you got you some dumplings you know and the virus walked down the fucking uh chopsticks there and then maybe maybe you're patient number one maybe you're a carrier um so anyway we drove around we had a good fucking time um my daughter's such a frigging sweetheart it's ridiculous it's ridiculous um she's everything I'm not she's emotionally she's totally connected to her emotions she watches like you know the fuck that I have on the other day oh I was flipping through the channels I was watching that Kirk Gibson um Dodgers vs the A's game what a fucking game Vinscully and fucking uh Joe Gagiola I remember as a kid I was just like man if your team is playing and Joe Gagiola is doing

the fucking color on it like you're in the big time this is a big time baseball game um it's not the local guys anymore we're getting the national guys so just hearing his voice was awesome and uh rest his soul and um I was watching that game and then she came in you know dad I want you to play with me you know I was I was wiped out right so I was just like all right you know because I'm finishing up this fucking script I think I'm working harder now than I did but why are you being with your kid 24-7 is it's fucking harder than telling jokes believe me not that you needed to know that but I will reiterate it it not that you didn't already know that I mean um so I'm flipping through the channels to try and find something and then I see the it's

the end of the wizard of Oz so I put it on and it's spoiler alert um it's the part where there's some fucking weirdo in a goddamn hot air balloon and they fucking leave and then she's finally gonna find I don't know what the she's saying goodbye to the the scarecrow the oil man and the the tin man and the fucking the lion right and uh she's all sad and everything and my daughter three years old is watching it and she's watching this interaction she just goes oh she misses them I was just like do you know I'm 51 and I still can't fucking do that do you know when I watch tv and I see people crying I start laughing not even like in a mean way that is just my natural and let's say some real sad shit then

I'll actually tear up and probably start crying like a little girl but like if it's just like um I don't know what you know just damn COVID virus my my side fell down out in front of my store my dad put that up and I'll just start fucking laughing you know not that I'm happy that that happened but this I don't know I don't know why I don't know why I fucking do it if you guys ever saw a video of me watching the fucking news you would think I was one of the worst human beings um yeah that's my wife she does it all the time she goes what the fuck is wrong with you it's like I don't know I feel bad I'll fucking go do a benefit for that guy's sign but when he's standing out there crying in the rain and the signs all fucked up it's just it's

it makes me laugh I'm sorry that happened if I can help out I will all right but if you're gonna fuck you know when you're telling the story I'm gonna laugh though I'm sorry all right I keep fucking shutting my goddamn recorder off it's gonna add another eight seconds when I go to splice it together um whatever what the fuck do you want from me so I'm riding around with my lovely wife my beautiful daughter right and you know my wife she listens to all the young people's shit right so I'm listening to this song this song by Drake right and he's like the opening line is literally this how much of a cunt I am I couldn't get through the song after the first line he was like uh working on the weekend like usual and I'm immediately thinking like and

I looked I go that sounds like Drake and I looked and it said Drake and I'm thinking like doesn't this guy work for himself it's like dude you're self-employed you know if you don't want to work on the weekend don't work on the weekend but if you decide to work on the weekend I don't want to hear you fucking bitching about it working on the weekend like usual what is the deal with rappers always telling me how fucking hard they're working the fuck am I doing laying around Jesus fucking Christ 24 7 3 6 5 money never sleeps working on the weekend like usual yes welcome to being successful your phone you're going to be busy the fuck did you think you were going to be doing making all this money and then laying around you can't can't fucking do it

Jesus Christ working on the weekend like usual there's some there's fucking people out there fighting wars right now whatever it probably means something else so then I went home and then Nia showed me the video and he's on a garbage truck working on a weekend like yo yo oh and he gets off and I'm thinking well he's not a garbage collector and then he worked at a cell phone so I said oh is this like a working man's song all right then then then my apologies to Drake my apologies all right and I would love to blame that on the pandemic but I'm going to have to take it myself that I would have been a cunt about the first line of that song you know even if there wasn't a pandemic all right what the fuck is wrong with me why can't I listen to a song and

some guy just tells me how fucking that he's working on a weekend like usual why why does that why do I have to it's like I think that's just how I was raised if you started bitching everybody you know I remember I had this construction job right and if you fucking bitched anything you fucking complained about everybody on the site would just that go start making these fucking baby noises and it's it was so fucking funny it was so funny I you were waiting for someone to bitch you almost wanted to bitch just to hear it I gotta move all of this fucking things over to that what are you gonna do after that the only thing you can do walk pick the shit up and go fucking put it over there oh god I know I've said I have to tell you

guys how much fucking fun I had working in warehouses doing landscaping even though it was fucking backbreaking work it's the fucking hardest I've ever laughed at work and I think even beyond hanging out with other comedians because there wasn't that fucking morose competitiveness and fucking groundhog day I fucking hate my act the blah blah was just fucking I don't know I really like blue collar jobs where you fucking you went from site to site my favorite thing wasn't the job it was the drive between jobs and I'd be thinking I'm riding a car right now getting paid this is fucking great you know I had this job I remember I had this job washing windows people's houses the spray bottle the fucking paper towels the rags and you fucking get up there and some people

just wanted the windows and then other people be fucking cheap fucks and they try to be get you get like paint off of the fucking windows and vacuuming up all the bugs in between and say hey well this was window washers all right you got some hard rain and some bird shit and then we draw the line that fucking I'm not scraping paint off of your fucking windows but we did it got out the little fucking cocaine razor I told this story before remember that we worked for this fucking lady and oh my god she was relentless she had me go up the ladder like fucking three times on the same fucking window and I remember she was and every time I'd be like no no I didn't as she got it is still there's still there's still it don't know that I would be like no I went up there and as I

was saying I already went up there but but and she she just got I swear to god it went right to the base of my spine the first time she did it I almost started laughing and I was like all right I'll go back up there so I went back up the ladder and I'm fucking up there wiping and I'm like it's not coming off it's paint I got paper towels in a rag this is like man she's like down the fucking thing so I come back down I tell her the thing she's in my face so she's fucking bitching at me and I look at my boss and he's got a shitty grin on his face and kind of does the half nod just go back up the ladder make her fucking happy so I go back up there now I got a little razor I'm trying to scrape this fucking thing off and this I almost fell off the ladder she fucking comes walking into the

room I didn't know she's gone back into the house and she came walking up to the window that I was washing you know and I'm looking at what's on the window so I'm not seeing her coming in and she fucking you know I had you know when you lean back in a chair had one of those little fucking heart attacks like it because it was like at the top of the house and for a second I thought I thought the house was haunted because it was this the urban myth that there was a house in that room that had a fire and you know one of the little kids couldn't get out and it burned a silhouette of him in the fucking window and the the parents were so distraught they refused to wash the window and I was just like yeah I don't want I don't want my buddies like you want to go see it

I'm like no I don't he claimed it was true I think it was bullshit me but you know that was in my fucking head and I'm going up this goddamn ladder so I'm out there talking to myself I don't even see her and I'm like this I can't get this fucking shit off and I just hear from the other side when I almost fell off the fucking ladder oh god it's funny I must have did a thousand houses and I never fucking forgot her and I will tell you this though god bless her because she got her fucking money's worth window washing and I'm scraping paint you know why I'm scraping fucking paint up because you're a tight fuck and you hired an amateur painter who just went up and dude by the way painters are the fucking worst by the way this is the thing you tell them to

paint a fucking room take anything out of there you don't want painted because those motherfuckers are painting over everything door locks window latches flat screen TVs they just don't give a fuck they'll paint a door they'll paint the fucking like where the fucking lock meets the latch or whatever the fuck you call they'll paint that thing right over the goddamn thing beautiful the you know I have an old house beautiful fucking brass hardware all over the whole fucking thing yeah this is a thing I think painters are people who were too dumb to be carpenters and plumbers you know what I mean it's it's like coloring for an adult you know and I'm not talking about people that take a canvas right and then they fucking

you know whatever they they squirt fucking paint up their ass and then squat over it and people like oh my god what was he trying to say here right now I'm not talking about those people with his some sort of thought I just mean painters you know what I mean it's why they're always going around the colleges trying to get kids to go out and fucking paint because it's just like just take this brush and go they all over the fucking wall and you know something if you're a fucking painter I want you to defend yourself go ahead and write in this fucking podcast I you guys are the fucking dopes the fucking but you see them when you see them they fucking they got more paint on them than they got on the fucking wall big blotch of paint in their fucking overgrown

eyebrow they are the fucking dopes of the trade you know but I bet like anything I bet if there's anything there's the Richard Pryor a fucking house painters and there's not a fucking goddamn drop on any of the fucking windows I think that that's what annoyed me the most that I was doing somebody else's fucking job what kind of a fucking asshole paints a house gets paint on a window and doesn't wipe it off just leaves you know what kind of an asshole a fucking painter all right okay that ought to get me some emails okay first of all I have you know on behalf of all painters you don't know what the fuck you're talking about you bald red-headed freckled cunt all right I got the blue tape all over the place all right I you could be literally sitting in the middle of room

I could be there blindfolded with the fucking spray gun I still wouldn't get a fucking drop I want to have some painters talk some shit okay because as of right now I think you guys are the fucking dopes of the trade okay you want to be an electrician those are the mathletes of the trade all right then the next one the good shits you know they were in high math did all right you know played a little bit of sports those are the carpenters all right and then the animals single parent house not enough food in the fridge they're the plumbers under the sink just looking for a piece of bread their whole fucking childhood then they got fascinated with the pipes that's what it was that's what it was they lived in

squalor and they're not afraid of human shit there I think I broke down the trades and heavy machine operators are just fucking lazy they just want to sit there getting paid why am I doing this I don't know I'm fucking bored listen I just want to apologize to anybody who works with their hands I didn't mean it in an offensive way it's a comedy podcast that was just trying to fucking all right for as you just sent me a thing what the fuck is wrong with these people what the fuck is this oh Jesus Christ he thinks this is an actual person his fucking phone got hacked um anyway what am I up to yeah Jesus Christ there's 21 minutes right there you know it's time to do a little bit of advertising but I don't have the advertising yet so I'm just going

to do a little pause here while the advertising is read okay here we go a little bit of a little advertising here one read one read uh raycon everybody race on r-a-y-c-o-n you know whether you're working from home or working on your fitness you want what you're listening to to be what you're listening to not what your personal your roommate your neighbors your wife your kids whatever I'm listening to you want to hear what you want to hear right everyone needs a great pair of wireless earbuds buds all right but before you go dropping hundreds of dollars on a pair you need to check out the wireless earbuds from raycon uh you already know raycon earbuds start at about half the price of any other premium wireless earbuds on the market I didn't know that and they sound just as

amazing as the other top audio brands you know the newest model the everyday e25 earbuds are the best ones yet with six hours of playtime seamless bluetooth pairing more bass and more compact design that gives you a nice noise isolating fit raycon's wireless earbuds are also so comfortable perfect for conference calls or binging on podcasts unlike some of the other wireless options raycon earbuds are both stylish and discreet with no dangling wires or stems to distract anyone during video calls now's the time to get the latest and greatest from raycon uh get 15 off your order at buy raycon dot com slash burr that's buy raycon dot com slash burr for 15 off raycon wireless earbuds that's b u y r a y c o n dot com slash burr that's great they're just as good as all the top brands

they're they're half the price and you're getting 15 off that so 50 and 50 that's uh 65 off and if you're like me you're gonna lose them anyway so why the fuck buy a really expensive pair when the other ones sound just as good for half the price plus 15 off all right that's it go to buy raycon dot com slash burr warm things up this spring with a trip to cerilas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cerilas along with all ns novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop cerilas in indianapolis with six area locations and in

anderson or shop online anytime at cerilas dot com at a back um all right what else did i want to talk about it was some fucking story i wanted to tell you now that i've pissed off everybody in the trades i'll tell you right now if it wasn't for plumbers you'd be outside shitting in an outhouse that wasn't tainted with no electricity um who's gonna build the outhouse all right uh all right what have i been doing i you know i i really you know today i was driving up in like the hills out in the valley uh with my lovely family and uh it's a nice clear day beautiful temperature out here and i gotta tell you something man i fucking miss flying like you fucking read about uh i fucking miss it so much i i didn't realize how much it got in me i just thought

it was this this cool thing that i learned how to do i actually i literally missed i missed the smell i missed the sounds i missed being on the radio i missed being up there soloing the tower says something to me and i'm like i don't know what the fuck that means excitement the excitement of i'm i gonna fuck this up um no and i told you i took i flew an a star one time and i cannot shake that feeling every time i see a police helicopter go over because that's what they fly every time i see i follow them on instagram uh all these helicopter things and whenever i see it that is it's not the sexiest looking helicopter but it's the coolest one that i've flown i never flew the fucking the other one i've talked about this bullshit but i i'm really really missing that shit

um other than that i just been trying to eat whale staying home i got one for you man um i've just been making these house salads like uh you know i'm really fucking into you know obviously trying not to waste food which is something you know i i think i've been doing up until this point in my life like just throwing shit just goes bad so i've kind of conquered the whole veggie going bad thing you know you just get a giant head of lettuce whatever you like you chop that fucker up and whatever looks like it only has a couple days left you chop that up and you throw it in the fucking salad and then for lunch you have that salad and i just put a little bit olive oil and some fucking uh lemon juice give that thing a little fucking toss over there hang

on one second nat kreg buddy hey i am on my podcast right now i got you on speaker can i can i call you back after you say hello to the listeners hello ladies and gentlemen enjoy your quarantine safely and inside do what the doctors tell you that's right call me whenever okay and thank you for all the hockey highlights you've been sending me during this thing i gotta get you through this but i know you're you've always you've always been there for me man i'll call you in a few minutes i'd see yeah he's been just sending me all this connor mcdavid shit and all the way back to like mario lemieux and all this stuff um unbelievable hockey player three best comedian hockey players i know nat kreg steve barn and the goat the goat ian bag ian fucking bag uh ian bag is like on

another level he's on he's like nat kreg and steve barn are fucking amazing and like ian bag is is like semi pro canadian semi pro um and i'm just fun to skate around um i actually looked at my hockey stuff i have not skated oh my god i haven't skated since 2015 when i first got the sciatic nerve thing and uh i'm hoping that there's a world in the new normal where i can actually go to a public rink skate frontwards and cross over on one side for an hour before then having to deal with turning around and going the other way um anyway what the fuck was i just talking about i was talking about flying i wasn't talking about that i was talking about no the salad and then i put a little i i just put like after i toss the salad there keep it clean people uh with the

lemon and the olive oil a little bit of salt and pepper then uh on top no olive oil no lemon on this as i i'll put like uh i chop up like a pear and i have that for lunch if you have a fucking smoothie for breakfast okay i'm gonna tell you what your dad bod's gonna be doing right then it's gonna be like what the fuck is going on right and then all the fat on your fucking flabby putting together a swing set torso is gonna start disappearing i'll tell you right now i would put my body at 51 gonna be 52 i would put it up against any 48 year old out there all right except for those instagram 48 year old guys who are fucking vegans and doing pull-ups and pretending they're walking upstairs i'm not talking about those guys i'm just saying if we went to a mall right now

and i walked up to any random 48 year old dudes all right shirts off in three two one we just you know like we're gonna have a dance off or something like that shit i didn't dance home daddy's home right i'm telling you telling you i could fucking i could go up against the average dad that's a half a century two years short shy of half a century and my goal by the end of this pandemic is to be able to talk shit to a 43 year old and watch him cower right i wanted him to look down at the floor mats in the suv that he bought that he did not want um all right got a little weird in the end fuck do you want from me um so allegedly i guess this thing's gonna end on may 15th and i think that's dangerous to tell people considering during this they can't even stand

on a fucking x all right so i almost think some misinformation about that you know we're still not out of the woods and we're fuck why am i don't mean that i mean just scare the shit out of people a little bit more just so they don't fuck it up in the end because all it takes is one cunt to go out there and lick another bat asshole before may 15th and i don't know who knows when we get to go outside all right um that is all that is all that is all uh i think next monday i might be uh or definitely sometime next week i'm going to be on history hyenas um the uh yannis popis and uh christy d podcast sorry i'm trying to look it up here for my schedule when the fuck i'm going to be there um i think we're going to do it no the text messages sorry i think we're going

i said i could do it monday hopefully it'll be on monday uh yannis popis chris d stefano and um i'm going to zoom in to that one and tomorrow i'm going to be on bob saggett's podcast uh tomorrow being thursday which is today all right that is it that is all uh god bless you thank you for wearing a mask uh and gloves two gloves unlike me and uh you know and thank you for standing on the x the other people jesus christ could you put the fucking effort in all right i'm feeling good i'm feeling positive we're all gonna fucking do this all right uh i love everybody except for painters no kidding i'll even love painters all right enjoy the music picked out by the great andrew themlis and now we got a bonus half hour over thursday afternoon just before friday monday

morning podcast from thursday a couple two three years ago all right have a great week and you can still see you on monday one two three hit music hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday april 13 14 15 16 april 16th 2012 2012 what's this decade called by the way you know last decade was called the 2000s or the twos or the aughts what was it called the turn of the century um this one's called the teens you ever think about that shit it was the roaring 20s it was the holy shit 30s and hey let's go get that fucking half a mustache cunt 40s the uh shifty 50s the hey man 60s right

oh gives a fuck it's um why am i yelling you know why because i have no energy so i figured i could just start screaming and i could overcome my lack of fucking enthusiasm here well you know what i gotta tell you something 58 59 bang there's one minute one minute down 59 to go um it's sunday night here in los angeles and i'm leaning on a piano singing a song there's a divorced man at the bar maybe he'd never got married he stares into his drink thinking about what would have been holy fuck it's me sorry i just sang a twilight zone episode um all right what the fuck am i doing you know so you know i got this i got this new fancy laptop you know and they got this stupid fucking password thing on this thing i first of all i

bought a goddamn mac knowing full well that the person who finished assembling this probably threw themselves out the window to kill themselves only to be stopped by those don't kill yourself nets flung back through the window landing back at his station to then listen to soothing don't kill yourself music all right so i spend all this money on this laptop that some fucking eight-year-old put together at four in the morning you know while being beaten with uh the last thing he assembled and uh they got this fucking password on here i swear to god if i walk away from the computer for fucking five seconds i gotta type it in again so i know what you guys are saying i know what you think and you're going well bill why don't you just go to that part of the fucking computer

and maybe push it back to like five minutes well i'll tell you why because i can't fucking find it that's why i can't find it this thing should come with a book or do i have to go buy a book i don't know i hate these fucking things i hate these goddamn things and i have to be up tomorrow morning everybody tomorrow morning i have to be at work six twenty in the morning you understand me i have a job tomorrow just like you guys you're probably already at your job aren't you swollen eyes from a weekend of boozing you know trying to forget that you had to come to that cubicle thinking if you drank enough of them maybe the thought of it would go away and there you are sitting there you know looking at all three sides of your cubicle well i gotta tell you something when

you spin yourself around your little plastic staple chair you see that the fourth wall you can walk right through that you walked into it why don't we have a walk out of your cubicle day one of these days you know i want to start and occupy um i don't know what how about an unoccupy your fucking cubicle day you know give me a fucking office or don't give me an office i'll just sit at a desk like fucking jack lemon at the beginning of uh the apartment you ever see that movie it's a great fucking movie but if you watch it they're all just sitting in this whole line of desks and they're shooting the shit everybody's flirting with each other they fuck after work they drink and they all do it in jack lemon's apartment you know evidently that was

that was too much fun there was a way we could somehow fucking have them sitting near one another yet not being able to see one another maybe then we could be a little more efficient yeah um all right this is the podcast uh i had to jump right in on one somebody just wrote hockey is like soccer bill how can you hate on soccer and love hockey so much the fuck they are so similar yeah except one is played by men the other is played by girls who anytime you brush up against them they go oh they roll around on the ground for fucking 20 minutes you know who else does that in the nhl european soccer uh fucking hockey players the fucking swedes right the nowegians i don't know if there's any nowegians i don't know all those fucking the sardines sardines however you

say i'm the fucking twins up there jesus christ even grazed their fucking ben afleck goatees from 1996 they flop around on the ice i like soccer i think it is very similar to hockey i just can't get over the fucking what does this say about the many a country that they pretend to be hurt roll around so some guy'll take a little yellow fucking card out of his back pocket and run up to the person who allegedly did it and just fucking you know pull it out like some sort of i don't know fbi badge i hate how the ref runs up to the guy who does it and like there's the yellow card why doesn't somebody just slap it out of his fucking hand this is when i'll start watching soccer you know what the thing i feel about soccer i feel like the people in the stands are

tougher than the people on the field it's it's really bizarre you know i would go out on the pitch in a second my little fucking larry bird short shorts and i'd run around there and brush up against the fellow men and watch them go fucking fall on the grass and roll around hugging their knee that i didn't hit i would do that a second as far as standing in the crowd with those fucking crooked teeth sons of bitches with a couple of pints and some fish and chips in them fuck that i'd never do it haven't choked me to death with their fucking matching scarves i don't need that all right i'm gonna tell you the premier league is is phenomenal world cup soccer i love it i love it except for the every time i start to get into it there's that that just

that shameless flopping around flopping around they all look like they're gonna cry the spaniards in the italians they actually get their eyes all welled up like fucking meryl streep they're out there trying to win an award that's what i would do you know if i was making films in england that's what i would do right there i would fucking uh you know i'd cast just a soccer player those guys can cry on cue all you gotta do is run by him um so anyway so now of course he goes the condescending thing i don't know if this guy's actually uh because he's actually saying he's into the blackhawks he's like americans don't have the attention span to watch the game that the rest of the world plays you know i love that i love how they just can't admit that we don't give a

fuck because we we like contact sports that's what we like we like people smashing into one another that's what we like and getting brain damage and then bitching about it years later even though they did it on purpose because the fucking assistant coach gave him a thousand bucks to do it those are the kinds of games that we like all right we're ignorant and we're violent but we do have an attention span all right i understand it's a beautiful game it's phenomenal corner kicks flying up and over everybody grabbing their balls on the penalty shots it's beautiful it's a beautiful thing to watch 10 guys stand in a line cupping their junk yet giving up their face to block this ball you know and as always they always say they why do they call it football they should call it

handball because they carry it in their hands you know i don't i don't know what to tell you okay like i said i totally respect the game i think it's a beautiful game but when you guys get rid of the flopping around and borderline crying in that game uh i'm all over it i'm all over it all right but don't talk to me about fucking attention span it's fucking boring all right it's not boring it's just it's just fucking it's the flop for me i'm speaking for everybody i'm speaking for me i can't get over the flopping around i like the premier league i like listen everybody's singing the songs the excitement in the crowd you can feel it it matters there's history i can totally get into it but every time i start to get on the edge of my seat

somebody fucking starts i don't know what grabbing their anus and you know flipping around and then that douche runs up and fucking stomps his foot as he pulls out the car and i'm just not into it all right you know i like when people do that like they just can't accept that you don't like their sport like i tweeted something yes i did do that and somehow maintain my heterosexuality i tweeted something and um i said that you could watch lord of the rings and the time that takes to watch the final 58 seconds of a close nba game right the nba i don't ever remember taking that fucking long when i was younger i used to watch hoop but you know just like a baseball game baseball games didn't take as long there wasn't everybody doing a fucking triple lindy

between every single fucking pitch stepping outside the batter box grabbing your dick adjusting your gloves and all that boring horseshit i put that right up there with soccer all right fucking basketball is the same thing so i end up i end up making fun of that shit and somebody writes back um what the fuck did they write something on the effect that you know we always make fun of that which we don't understand you know kind of like what you're doing saying that you're not admitting that soccer does is kind of fucking boring you're just going to say we don't have the attention span for it you know yet somehow we can sit there and watch a nine innings of boring baseball plenty of americans do that sir right do you hear that

hear that sound sir that's the sound of your argument hitting the fucking water in the shitter all right and this other cunt sitting there talking about how you know i'm making fun of basketball like i don't understand it i totally understand i've been watching it for 30 fucking years all right youngster i've been watching it since 1981 okay and i just uh i don't know there's two things that made me stop watching after the jordan era everyone who tried to be jordan you know not passing the ball trying not you know trying to win without a big man i can do it all myself because michael did it and then it took him like eight years to figure out they weren't michael you know that type of shit kobe's the only guy i've been able to see see do it that kind of i

used to like the team aspect of it that kind of left and then the end of the fucking game it's just like this 58 fucking you know what the worst is is when the other team has clearly lost the fucking game and they keep calling timeouts ah jesus christ just it's over it's fucking what do you do you're trying to cock block that you're trying to delay their celebration you know i don't know so i mean i still like who you know there's aspects of soccer that i like but i don't know there's something about basketball i don't understand why i watch this exciting fast-paced fucking game and then right when it all matters you slowed the whole fucking thing down and i watch people take unguarded shots to win the game it becomes golf at that point there's nobody

trying to stop you you know instead of putting it into the hole you you're fucking throwing it in sort of lobbing it in putting a nice pretty arc on it unless you're shack you know second you put your fucking hands over the over your head you're above the rim right so what do you do try to throw it in straight you know i think shacks the only person probably has a worse science background than i do you know remember that shit when i was telling you i don't understand how planes fly or how you can you can have a on a cruise ship how you can have a fucking pool on a cruise ship you know what i mean how do you dig a hole into the into the fuselage and dump water in it and it doesn't sink it's just fucking beyond me um the only person i would say has a worse science

background than me would be shack because he was in the league for almost 20 goddamn seasons and he never figured out that hey you know maybe i need to put in you know some sort of trajectory on this thing is that the right word it's unreal i mean when i was a kid and i and you know with the nerve hoop i i knew i knew to do that how can you be fucking nine feet tall and not understand that stand that fucking voice is cracking um so anyways yeah i gotta go to work tomorrow six twenty in the fucking morning nia needs the car so that means i gotta take big boy driver up the fucking driveway my fucking neighbors are gonna kill me but a quarter six in the morning it's a sound of my truck warming up then it stalls it's me pumping the gas you know then i'm at the top

of the fucking driveway you know and then you look out the window with their noses all wrinkled up it's gonna be ugly it's gonna be ugly but i gotta use it i gotta tell you something there's nothing better than having a classic car on a fucking sunday driving it around out here in l.a. you know absolutely love it love it and thanks to everybody who showed me where i could go buy some parts for it i ordered everything i need my side view mirrors coming in so i can stop looking over my right shoulder um all right this is the monday morning podcast everybody um welcome welcome if you're new i know i'm picking up like one or two listeners a week and that's big for me because i like to grow things small and not that small and a very slow rate of speed all right i'm not

trying to blow up you know like all these other people who are like like fucking motivated it's not my style i like where i'm at i'm satisfied just like when i was in high school i wasn't doing well i wanted to get into a good college but you know i started flunking classes and i was just like well you know what am i still eating every day you know do i have plenty of water is there a roof over my head when it's raining out i'm fine why do i need to pass these classes you need two years of a language or no college is gonna look at you really lady with the really long dress i'm still thinking of fucking you might as well dress like a whore but that's another subject as far as your two years of a language i think as long as i have the money

i can do it anybody in high school listening to this fucking thing you don't need two years of a language to get in what you need to do is either pass two years of of a language and get in that way and if you don't then all you do is you just go to a community college for a couple years and you prove that you can you can work at a college level right and then you just transfer in you fucking parachute in like the way clements joined the fucking 1999 world champion new york yankees he just jumped right in he parachuted right in right through the sunroof of of the limo that they took the previous year when they won the championship and then he won it that's how you do your college career two years of a community college you can get a fucking paper route and pay for

that goddamn tuition all right you save all that goddamn money you're with dumber girls so they're easier to bang they got lower self-esteem you know probably gonna swallow it's all in a brochure and then right when you got that you you think that you can't wash the stink of the community college out of you you fucking you apply to a real school you apply to the school that you wanted to go to you go out you get some fucking loans and then you're in there and you fucking get the same degree as susie smartpants who fucking learned how to sort of speak a language in this country that you don't need to speak another one in right and then come graduation day you're sitting right next to her half fucking price half price half off

half off a Notre Dame fucking education i'll tell you want to talk about a disappointment go into the Notre Dame fucking campus all those years when they showed the golden dome and jesus standing there with his arms out like oh are we gonna score here what right touchdown jesus and all the beautiful trees and the beautiful ladies and the autumn leaves and all that type of shit you're like oh my god that's fucking gorgeous that's where i wanted to go to school you know i already look like they're mascot you know i figured show up they'd be like oh my god it's him and i get laid you know be like if you look like Elvis showed up at Graceland telling me somebody's not gonna suck your dick if you got some sequins on the side of your slacks

i mean these are just theories people so anyways i finally went to the Notre Dame campus and it is absolutely beautiful but the surrounding fucking area can be summed up in one word oh jesus christ i mean you want to talk about a fucking reality show waiting to happen the surrounding area those are the people who were too dumb to go to be on some fucking fishing for clams reality show you know what i mean that should be the name of the reality show too dumb to be on a tugboat whatever the fuck next job they're gonna show me the real tug boaters you know so there was a cruise liner coming in and uh we didn't have no tires in the side of the shut the fuck up you know something i would actually you know if i had to be on a boat

if i had to work on a boat right if i had to get my little uh if i had to do it there's no fucking way i'd work on a cruise ship because i don't like people okay and at the top of the list of people that i don't like are fat people sunbathing okay you should have shame put your fucking shirt on okay and if i got to look at that and bring you a slice of cake at the same time there's no way i'm not getting fired so cruise ships are out the navy i'm not joining the navy there's no fucking way i'm joining the navy unless i'm gonna be a navy seal and i'm too much of a pussy to do that all right but i'm not joining the navy you know see the world or what do i see a bunch of fucking water you know

pull into port somewhere for fucking 20 minutes i don't want to do that shit not on the navy i always picture them just singing songs mopping up the deck or you're in a fucking sub and that's even the worst you know what i mean i think i'd rather go to prison than be in a fucking goddamn sub under the water right that's where the subs are aren't they bill thank god you described where a sub is there's no fucking way there is no good goddamn fucking way i could survive on the sub you know those little doorways all those douchebags oh what can you do down there you know there's fucking guys underneath there for six months

i get to some point you just gotta shoot off a torpedo just to do it right and a fucking like whale shark or something are they endangered um do they still have periscopes on those things what the fuck am i talking so i couldn't do that job i wouldn't want to go fishing because i saw a perfect storm and i read the book and that's my reality fucking george cloney ships going under and he pushes himself back into it as if the human body has the ability to fucking override your brain going i need some air mark wallberg was out i look how they had that nice little moment where they were looking at each other and one of the worst storms ever underwater in the dark in salt water no mask on

they actually shared a moment you know i didn't want i'm talking about oh a tugboat i could work on a tugboat you know you get one of those p coats p coats p coats and you start singing song oh she was half a fish how do you find the vagina i can see your tits what's up with fucking mermaid that's why i'm interested about mermaids how do you get to the fucking poody you know tits are right there that's all you can do with a fucking uh mermaid you just get tit fucker you know until they got dry you'll let fucking dried out salt on the side of your dick probably sting after well you know and she's looking at you like you know i need to get back in the water because i'm starting to dry out

and you're like yeah i noticed and i noticed with the chafing of either side of the shaft this is one of the filthiest fucking podcasts i've ever done and you know what i don't give a shit because i have to be up in like fucking three hours um what are you doing tomorrow bill that you have to be up um i got jury duty i got jury duty i don't have jury duty i do have jury duty i fucking blew it off so next time i get pulled over i think old billy boy is going to jail you know kill two birds with one stone you know do they arrest you that's why i you know i haven't got a jury dude it's probably a stupid thing to admit right now but i didn't you know it's trying to go i just i'm busy i work for myself what am i supposed to do

i have to go to albuquerque this weekend what do you want from me you know there's 40 people in a strip mall that are depending on me to to go there and talk about my dick you know i would love to sit here and you know listen to you make your points and then listen to that guy make his point i would you know something i would um when i get old or i'm already old when i get really old you know and i've just pushed everybody away in my life and it's just me and you know a couple pairs of socks and you know some old man underwear you know the one that has like that mc hammer crotch so you can have your old man balls hanging down to your knees right and you have a little sideways shuffle to the to the toilet you know the balls are just sitting there in the water

it's the only thing i'll let you know you're still alive you know because every every morning when your old balls hit that toilet water um i think what i would do for entertainment is i would go i would just watch trials i've noticed that you know anytime i ever went to court he was always old people just sitting there like knitting and shit and it's like is that the grandmother i i never knew i had and it's just like is this you know is this bitch just sitting here like watching me go to fucking you know or one of my friends going to trial here and this is just like entertainment for you and i used to think it was really a fucking asshole thing to do but i gotta admit that could be fun you're not required

to be there i would go to the sickest fucking trials you know murder trials i wouldn't go to child molester trials there's no fuck actually no murder because then they're gonna go through it none i go drug dealer i go drug dealer auto theft shoplifters that's what i'd like to see some chick who fucking went in with this oversized purse to try to steal a chandelier or something i'd sit it on those things i don't even want the fuck i'm saying you guys want to hear a commercial wouldn't that be neat what if i sing at this oh christ i gotta fucking put my goddamn password in unbelievable can somebody please tell me where i go on this stupid fucking thing to change it oh my god you go into settings and then you hit the fucking apple key card go fuck yourself

um where are we i fucking hate computers you know i hate about computers and some of the dumbest people i know on the planet are really good at them you know it's like golf i was talking about that last week the amount of people i know that suck at all real sports and then you they get out in the course they can hit it straight you know why because nobody's trying to stop um all right here we go what do we got here stamps dot com everybody attach copy where the hell is it stamps dot com everybody i've been talking about this for weeks this has been the runaway hit as far as advertising goes on my podcast everybody's getting everybody's getting into this don't be the last person to still be going to the post office because you'll be like me i still have a

fax machine do you understand that people i still fax things i bought one in 1999 it's a panasonic and i stand by it that's me faxing um anyways stamps dot com all right this is the deal all right we're all busy even if you're an absolute loser you're busy nowadays have you noticed that i don't have a friggin day job and for some reason all god damn day i have stuff to do i don't have time to go to the post office wouldn't it be wonderful if somehow the post office was in my house well thanks to stats dot com um this is a deal it's important to look professional to your clients you don't look unprofessional you want to look professional to your clients your customers and your partners you want to come off like you know what you're doing

that's what they're saying with this copy placing regular stamps on your letters and packages that won't do the trick all right you look like some eight-year-old you know your little butterfly stamps or your have a nice day stamps you want professional professional looking metered stamps all right if you want to take your business to the next level or if you want to intimidate your grandmother when you send back her sweater all right take my advice use stamps dot com instead this is the deal you can buy and print official us postage using your own computer or someone else's if they're generous but your own computer and your printer you print professional looking postage directly onto envelopes labels um even paper plus stamps dot com will give you a

digital scale my personal favorite i love the scale you know what i mean i feel like i'm doing something illegal but i'm not you know it's safe um basically you can get an exact postage for any letter or package the instant you need it and i can back that up because i'm sending all my dvds out to stick it on a little scale it prints it out i got my little visa it's phenomenal um endorsement here we go part two um i highly recommend stamps dot com actually i do it's easy to use it's convenient and you can start it right now all right so if you go to stamps dot com uh they have a special offender for my listeners all right you use my last name burr burr for a no risk trial plus a hundred and ten dollar bonus offer which includes that digital scale that i'm so fond of and fifty

five dollars in free postage all right you can't lose all right so go now go to stamps dot com before you do anything else click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage you type in burr burr at stamps dot com enter burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr burr um what have you got here 28 minutes in all right we're flying we're flying now getting over abroad howdy bill go fuck yourself all right i broke up with my girlfriend seven months ago several months ago and i'm having trouble getting over her we broke up because i had to move for school i swore to myself i would stop contacting her because i was becoming psychotic and jealous and i did

i'm still finding myself thinking about her all the time all of the girls of my new town are horrific monsters they aren't white trash ugly cunts they are super hot but brain dead and boring and way out of my league dude how is somebody brain dead and boring out of your league well because they're super hot just walk up to her what is she gonna all she gonna do is say no no i'm not saying she's gonna say no every time you got it listen listen let me tell you something do you want a fucking beautiful girl do you want to marry a fucking beautiful woman a beautiful smart woman isn't that what every guy wants to do well you're not gonna do it if you're too afraid to talk to him all right so why don't you practice on a brain dead stupid one so someday when that

girl walks in it takes your breath away you're gonna have the fucking balls over there to walk up you know say something witty while you got your hand on a no don't do that you don't do that okay don't do that you know what i'm saying all right anyways my ex-girlfriend was smart hot funny cool and was really into me i tried getting over her by banging other chicks but it doesn't work it just leaves them broken-hearted and makes me feel worse well wait a minute how are they broken hearted after you just banged them that means you bang them for a couple of weeks and then tell them to fuck off don't do that you you should just be you know stick and move all right anyways he says i can't seem to find anyone that can measure up to my ex need more solutions all right well you

know when you break up with somebody that you care about and they have all those good attributes it's gonna be a while before you meet another one all right so you just gotta go through it dude if you want if you want if you don't want to get back together with the other girl you know then what you gotta do is you get you gotta learn to be fucking single again you gotta remember what did i do before i met that last girl what did i do well well let's see i had beers i fucking worked out i watched football or whatever the fuck you did i went to one of the went to the hunger games i read that trilogy of books so whatever the fuck that is you know it hurts okay breaking up with somebody who's awesome but it's just not right

or whatever it hurts so accept it all right platoon take the pain you know why don't you sit down have a good cry just fucking cry it out of you every day just wake up think about it let when your bottom lip starts quivering don't stop it just give into it that's what kills guys we don't cry just fucking cry just fucking cry put your face in your pillow and cry like a little fucking girl i shouldn't have said girl just fucking cry like a human being why do we deny that emotion is meant just let it out all right then wake up you know once you're done crying go in the bathroom put your face on go get yourself a bowl of fruit loops just you know after you're done yeah i'm gonna get through this you can hype yourself up

you might have a good day today go hit on some fucking hot brain dead boring fucking broad it's just just practice just just practice okay you're gonna find another one you sound like you're still young it's not like you're 50 even then at 50 i swear to god if you're making money you can probably still get like a hot 34 year old you know i won't go any younger than that you know because you gotta think by the time you're 60 she's gonna be 44 she could still hang in there for that you know and all you gotta do is just keep fucking spinning around in the bedroom for another five years and then she's too old to give a fuck and then you got her she'll be patting pat your fucking rubbing your forehead as you're laying there in your death bed you know telling you that

you did did the right thing you're going any younger than that they have options and they'll leave you all right so get over abroad that's what you gotta do you gotta cry it out of you and you just gotta accept that it's gonna hurt and it takes time okay but uh you know don't run back to the other one just because you're lonely all right because then you're gonna have to fuck you got to break up with them again you know it's like fucking iraq we just did it right the first time wouldn't have to go back the second time you know didn't make any sense um all right next one bill get a gun look buddy look buddy it's simple get a gun i'm totally i'm totally gonna be like stereotypical here when i finish when i first started banging my lady i'd stay over her place

almost every night she was still finishing up her divorce and the x was still in dick mode jesus christ i remember one night last morning she woke me up saying she heard something downstairs she insisted i go down and look i'd stayed silent pretending i was just waiting to hear it really i was shitting myself on the inside course you were nobody wants to go down there and figure out who the fuck it is all she had was a pen wait all she had was a pen that i thought i could nicolas cage into a neck if i had to but naked butt naked i'm walking around scared as hell pen in hand come up empty and soon enough uh wait came up empty so evidently you didn't find anybody and soon enough bought a torus pt 140 pro it's a sidearm i shot once and keeping in arms reach of my bed

i'll tell you what mr burr i sleep like a baby and i'm relaxed and relaxed knowing it's there plus it makes you feel like a man maybe if you start peck packing heat you'll get off you period your period and quit bitching about how bad your podcast sucks one more thing who is the greatest american band credence clearwater revival um first of all dude uh you fucking you went out and got a gun you shot it once and then that's it you don't want to get good at it actually went shooting this week i went to the gun range everybody i shot a five shot 38 and i shot a uh i shot a nine millimeter and i gotta tell you something it was fucking terrifying at first and then quickly became awesome and i i enjoyed the entire process i enjoyed loading it i enjoyed

shooting it the skill of trying to hit the target on the you know taking the shells out of the five shot and uh you know they let me clean it i would have loved it i was like fucking uh private pile in full metal jacket by the end of it fucking looking down up through my eyebrows i completely enjoyed it um but uh you don't sound like you respect it sir you sound like the kind of guy who shouldn't have a gun if you ask me you shot it once and now you're keeping an arm reach of your bed and now you fucking sleep like a baby because i know it's day and i'll just fucking waving around then you gotta we gotta watch out with the gun is it's an instant black belt that's the thing and you didn't go through the discipline of it so you gotta respect the fact that you could fucking kill

somebody i know the guy right i'm just saying this right now so this guy can fucking go to the gun range tomorrow and put like a red wig on his targets and start fucking shooting at it um that's the thing about the gun it's this amazing power when you have it this amazing power that you have to fucking uh i don't know that's what i felt when i had it i was just like you have this thing you have the ability to take a fucking life and it was like really like uh you know i didn't get this psycho charge from it i i felt like this ridiculous level of responsibility like i was holding a baby near an alligator or some shit if that makes any fucking sense it's the people who fucking get those gets you know what it's like people who get pitbulls and they treat them nice

and then other people who get pitbulls and and they they try to make turn the dog into the badass they never were you know what i mean you're kind of coming off like that why the fuck would you only shoot it once and then you keep it loaded by the side of your bed you know i uh i got like three or four different contacts and i'm i'm gonna who who like serious gun safety um courses that i'm gonna take and whatever gun i get i'm gonna know how to fucking take that thing apart put it back together everything about it go to the gun range a zillion times so i'm proficient with the fucking weapon and and then you know keeping in a safe goddamn place where no one can get hurt with it and if somebody fucks with me i can instantly get it you know that's my deal

i'm not gonna shoot it once and then keep it by my bed i fucking feel safe now man why don't you get off your period why is that why you're talking all tough now because you got your gun how come we didn't talk shit about my podcast before what because you were unarmed huh i'm gonna push this guy over the edge anyways he says who's your who's the is the greatest american band uh fucking arosmith credence clear water revival you don't think all their songs sound the same when i was just a little boy something about a swamp even though we're all from sacramental the shit don't make no sense all susie q bam i actually like credence killer water revival but uh my brother when i was a kid he bought like the fucking eight cassette greatest hits thing that

i'm sure their manager put out remember that song bands can't dance but he'll steal your buddy um he put he put that shit out i'm sure he got all the fucking money and my brother listened to those things over and over and over and over again and it got to the point i fucking i i hated the band but it's been 20 years since i've listened to him and every once in a while i hear when i'm starting to like him again it's kind of like led zeppelin led zeppelin i listened to every you know how overplayed stairway to heaven is i did that to every one of their songs and uh yeah it became like when i started hearing led zeppelin it was like you know that moment and clockwork orange when they're holding his fucking eyes open and he starts to get sick when

he sees violence like i would get like nauseous when i heard him um i would say aerosmith you know is that right i don't know i'm fucking old i like aerosmith we're making fucking albums to what 40 goddamn years doesn't that count for something ccr 737 coming out of the sky uh you know they're really from sacramento how come they never said hella in any of their songs anybody tell me that anybody explain that to me the fuck am i talking about all right let's get to some more advertising here people we're going to gamefly right now gamefly.com everybody do you play video games sure we all do um you know it'd be awesome what if you got a 15 free 15 day free trial and you get 8 000 video games delivered to your home or straight to your pc wouldn't that be

awesome just go to gamefly.com slash burr 15 days for free 8 000 games at your fingertips either deliver to your door or straight to your damn pc you can't do any better than that all right so there's your fix if you got video games thanks to the monday morning podcast look at me you got a post office in your house you got 8 000 games now right you go to skate you go to skatefenders.com you're protecting your feet and uh i don't know what else i gotta do for you people this guy's still fucking bitching at me old tough guy there with this fucking gun oh i got a gun now now i'm gonna talk shit you know fucking asshole thanks for getting your BB gun um all right overrated underrated for this week uh underrated uh tea tops on a

Pontiac firebird oh Jesus it's my childhood right there because nothing beats getting can you guys proof proof read your shit oh getting dome okay because i'm sorry this one's on me because nothing beats getting dome in your parked car while you get to look at the stars he says it's one of the most awesome things you'll get to experience wow dude you know what you just painted a picture i think i gotta i gotta add that to my bucket list and you know what too you can't you can't be like just on the street you can't hear the sound of the street you gotta go someplace secluded right on a fucking moonlit night have some chick blow you know she'd probably actually think that that was romantic you only

think missing in that whole thing is a unicorn all right overrated imports imports i'm referring to all the japanese burners you see on the streets the honda civics the acura integras the nissan 240 sx everybody thinks they they they're the shit and they want to race them when in reality they wouldn't stand a chance against good old american muscle what are your thoughts uh i don't know that i know enough about racing though doesn't does honda do all right in formula one i know it's all german right mercedes and uh obviously ferrari does great um well yeah this this is the deal when i think of high high speed performance i think of Porsche Porsche's i hope the fuck he's supposed to say it lamborghini's all the italian and german shit that's what i think about

maserati's you know and when i think of uh you want to fucking line them up you want to race man you want to go fucking you want to get sunk into your seat and go on a straight line as fast as you can fucking can then i think american cars you know what i mean who's getting who our cars can't corner not because we're stupid it's just we don't need to corner because we have land over here we're not like those fucking countries and over in europe where they just everyone's the size of fucking rhoda island so there's a lot of turns and and you know and not to mention they made the fucking roads you know back when they were fucking bringing oxen to town and shit hairpin fucking turns you watch the tour to france is fucking guys in the bicycles they can't even make

the fucking turns over there so because of that because of that handicap i think that they actually make they make better cars than us but as far as the japanese stuff um i think the japanese you know i don't have an original opinion about it but i think they took what we were doing you know we took a lot from the europeans and then they took what we were doing and they just in improved it i'll stop rolling your fucking eyes you know what i'm talking about if you change the oil on a tolyota or a Honda that fucking every three two three thousand miles that fucking thing is gonna it's gonna you get 800,000 miles out of it all right and i know american cars have made a comeback but you gotta understand i am a scarred child of the 80s and in the fucking late 70s right

through the 80s they made american cars there was a corporate decision they made them so they would self-destruct 60 to 80,000 miles in you know i'm telling you they just the fucking transmission would drop out and it was done on purpose terrible and i still think that the american auto industry is trying to recover from that despite the fact that they now have 10 year 100,000 mile warranties um i don't know that's that that's my fucking thoughts all right i like uh i like some of the japanese stuff you know this is i mean i got a fucking Toyota Prius i love that goddamn car i love it i don't care the people call me a fag when i'm driving it you know i'm still comfortable with me went to the fucking uh i filled it up with gas today 35 bucks go fuck

yourself all right go fuck yourself also filled up my truck and that cost me 65 for three quarters of a tank um anyways underrated go into a hockey game early and watching warm-ups there's no one around you you will there's no one around you with dumb foam fingers or micro web drink micro brew drinking brothers i can't even fucking read this week plus you can watch all the players fuck off and try cool shit all the while trying to snipe on the backup goalie yeah that's actually true if you guys been watching the NHL playoffs playoffs i've been watching uh the Bruins capitals um that's like a great pitchers duel except it's the goalies both games have gone into overtime but uh i've also been watching the flyers versus the penguins and i have a weird sports relationship with both

of those teams in pittsburgh i like the penguins fans i hate their fucking team i hate them all right the like i think the rangers coach summed them up and shouldn't have been fined he should have been given an award all right they're a fucking filthy goddamn team and anybody does anything to them they fucking bitch moan and complain you saw what the fuck they did today i thought it was the filthy flyers look at the penguins getting all mad down three games to none they start fucking cross checking people in their throats right it's fucking doing all kinds of reprehensible shit i don't you know i totally respect that franchise because they they their ability to go from you know mario lemieux and yarmira yager and within 20 years to have

another one to punch cross being mulkin is this you know and jordan stall i mean that they're fucking they're the shit tremendous fucking franchise but i i don't i don't like you know i don't know they always seem to have those guys that really like to go after people's fucking knees you know then you got a fucking uh poly pouty lips there bitch moaning and complaining just see him trying to fight not throwing a punch not throwing a punch not throwing a punch then in comes the ref then he starts throwing a fucking punch and then at the end of the game when there's no ref around the guy wanted to go he wouldn't go what the fuck you to fight or uh don't run you yep all right and then the flyers i love the flyers but i hate their fucking fans

i don't like their fans and i don't know they don't like their fans you know i told you the deal went to a brooms game with my mother up in boston there was flyer fans behind me and they were crass and they ruined it my mother was there and it was just fucking they just assholes they're fucking assholes but i love that team so i've been watching that series and it's uh it's just been fucking i don't know i know it's been difficult but uh what do you what do the flyer fans think what do you guys think you think this is a year you're gonna win your cup anyone i think your weakness is i think it's your fucking goalie with his weird colored pads i know you're up three games to none

against the penguins but i have you noticed that your goalie has given up 12 goals in three games that's not a good that's not a good thing averaging giving up four goals a game you know if the fucking penguins goalie wasn't i don't know what the fuck he looks like he's playing twister anytime they come down he's fucking got his he's on all fours with his arms crossed i don't know what the fuck he's doing is the puck he's like trying to like he's playing like whack-a-mole with the goddamn puck um and i'm watching i'm missing it right now i'm watching the king's vancouver which was zero zero when i came downstairs loving the kings loving the kings beating the vancouver canucks loving him you know it's another team flopping all over the goddamn ice jesus christ

if any nhl player listens to this shit i swear to god they're either gonna hug me or fucking punch me in the face depending depending on who you play for um this is what i if the bruins don't win it uh who would i like to see i would say the la kings but i just know some la kings fans are also laker fans and i wish them no happiness whatsoever so it would be hard even though i like the kings um i think i i think i'd have to say the uh i like the st louis blues just because they've never won a fucking stanley cup they almost had the president's trophy but i mean i just i just like they uh i went to i went to a game when i was in st louis and they have real they got real fans old school hardcore fucking fans i like a lot of those teams in the norse even

though the the old the old norse it's weird i like i like st louis and i like chicago which i know is sacrilegious if you live in either one of those cities but i just like both teams um there i fucking said it and i used to like vancouver until last year when we played them in the finals and they were just uh you know flip-flopping all over the fucking ice you know the europe you know but that's that's called a sport over in europe it's called a beautiful game you know when you i don't know you you cheat in an effeminate manner you know that's what you guys are bringing to the table i mean i'll admit that we're fat and stupid over here we don't read can you guys at least admit that you're fucking a bunch of flopping bitches over there um no

jesus is another fucking place i don't have to watch my back uh overrated china china is overrated all right i spent last summer dude if it wasn't for china i wouldn't be able to fucking uh look at this laptop right now is that what they make them i don't know i just like bitching about shit and not really finding out what's going on 51 minutes in baby uh i spent last summer in china studying law and staring at the top of blackheads from my sixth review point uh the chinese are an incredibly diverse culture in all that when compared to us americans but many if not all am i going to start reading some racist shit this already okay let's just go slow here the chinese are an incredibly diverse culture in all that when compared to us americans

doesn't that just sound like the opening of something racist you know they're really diverse and all that stuff and junk and all that stuff but you know but many if not all of those differences are precisely what makes america what but many if not all of those all those differences are precisely what america makes america so for lack of a better word oh so bad friggin ass chinese are incredibly diverse culture i can't even what the fuck is he saying so now he's he just said that they're a diverse culture in all that when compared to us and then you started saying that now what we're diverse i don't understand what you're saying here he said they're they're food i guess chinese food could not be anything close to what any sensible human being

could call decent you don't get i don't know what the word is p-way or none of that in china you get some nasty noodles or even the nice restaurants paired up with the whole fish eyes and all and mind you this is this is breakfast lunch and dinner we're talking i won't even go into the dog issue see attached photo what i'm not looking at the attached photo what are you a dog hanging from a fucking hook in a window anyways um when i got back to the states the first place i went was in and out for a six by six not kidding i didn't know what that means and i nearly chalked it chalked it up and snorted it oh chopped it up and snorted it you wrote chalked

noodles will never be the same for that fuck you china come on dude i don't want to be trashed in china like this the cities are filthy beijing all right he didn't have a good time over there most important the people are a-holes not all of them maybe i think did i call it or what the government doesn't give a flying fuck about them so they figure hey why not be an asshole right is this what is this what they said to you or this is what you sort of uh i mean to say that their government doesn't give a fuck about them is really just sort of uh you kind of skim in the surface there i don't think underneath an oppressive uh what do you call regime over there they have that weird thing where they have all like this

technology and iphones and ipads i mean shit they build them right the cell phones are actually better than ours yet if you say anything about their furor it doesn't like they run over you in it with like a tank sorry i'm just piecing together clips i've seen in cnn for the last 20 fucking years um i don't know so he tells me some story uh oh he's saying barry sanders couldn't get through a crowd without getting bruised up without getting a bruised ribbed i'm on a packed subway one night and this fucker behind me is digging his scrawny little elbow into my kidneys i'm ready to turn around and rabbit punch the cocksucker when i get off and i finally get room to take a full breath and and actually turn around it's this little friggin old lady

with the shitty grin on her face i was so close bill yeah uh you know something i was getting on a flight one time and uh somebody was elbowing me in the back and i turned around and it was i believe a little chinese woman but you gotta understand it's so jam packed over there that's just part of their culture they're not being dicks uh that's just like them beeping a horn i think so yeah don't don't punch an old lady in the face are we underrated manners now that i'm talking about buffy and banging at the country not that i'm talking about buffy and bangings at the country club type shit i'm talking about the friendly pardon me's excuse me oops my bad etc there's none of that shit maybe i was unlucky or the fact that i'm a huge american

guy they treated me particularly awful but at the end of the day i was so aggravated by the repeated nudges spitting in my path burping within a few feet of me that i took everything for me not to pounce it at least one on one person daily uh yeah dude i mean you're dealing with a different culture over there i mean there's six fucking billion seven billion people on the planet and i think like they have over a billion of them there so i don't know i think you just sort of missed america you know we all got our shit this there's good stuff and bad stuff i don't i don't be trash in china okay all right i already feel guilty enough that i bought this goddamn laptop even though i knew what the fuck those people are going through over there who put them together

you know are you guys honestly telling me that's the only way that you can that they can keep this thing you know for the price that it is can't like the ceo's make a little bit less money when you get to that level you know you know what i love about the sociopaths in the corporate world they always just say well i mean you know the price is what the market will bear the market will bear it you know and just completely removing themselves i don't know i have such fucking hatred for that and all the way the other side you know nia was making dinner tonight right because she's a fucking angel absolute angel right she's making me this awesome meal and she needed this right so she goes can you go to traitors joes can you go to traitors joes and get some jasmine rice

and i like apps the fucking loot leak right so i jump in the Prius and i drive over to fucking traitor joes okay and uh i got out and i gotta tell you something man maybe because it was i don't know the level of douchebag in a traitor joes like if you ever just wanted to rid the world of douchebags um yeah i would start a traitor joes you know maybe it's just an la thing i went in there and just every fuck you know what it looked like it looked like a bunch of rich kids trying to dress like they were poor every one of them was just fucking annoying with their ridiculously on purpose ugly way of dressing just each one of them just trying to be more and more out of style hey man i don't even know what's instead whole fucking hipster thing awful you know thank god i

showed up look how like i'm not a douchebag you know i think that they look at me just the way i dress like they think i'm some frat boy date rapist you know just because i have uh i look like i could actually catch a ball i don't know i don't know look at me trying to paint myself like i'm the bad ass at the traitor joes you know what i think i think we've i think i've had about enough for this podcast for her this week i have an early uh early call time tomorrow everybody um all right so what do i say now what do i say now oh amazon.com everyone um you want to donate to the podcast and support the troops here's how you can do it all right anytime you're going to amazon.com rather than just going directly to amazon.com you know just swing by bill bird.com click on the

podcast page and then click on the amazon banner on the right hand side of the podcast page and i know what you're thinking well jesus bill that's fucking two extra steps well you know what it is two extra steps but listen to what you'll be doing you'll go to amazon.com you don't have to do anything else if you buy something not saying you have to but if you do i get a kickback on that and then i take 10 of the kickback and i give it to the troops what do you think about that so you can fucking support my podcast and the troops the wounded warriors project all at the same time don't you think that's worth two extra steps come on you know you did something bad this week we all did don't you need a little bit of good karma you know just something

some day after you die and you're standing there in front of oh jeez isn't his dad and you'd be like well hey you know i went to bill burr's podcast and uh you know actually don't say my name that's probably not a good thing to do up there um uh you know i i fucking donated to uh the wounded warriors project you know all right that's it i've had enough have you had enough i hope you enjoyed this podcast as much as i did i had a really good time i enjoyed myself you know what it turned me on i got a wah wah pedal i am so close to to i am so close to a level of fucking awful on the guitar you know you know i'm you know i'm saying like you have to be like a certain level of awful you just can't be completely fucking awful it just makes somebody turn their

head i'm i'm at a level i'm almost at that level where it's actually listenable and it'll be hilarious so um if you guys egg me on i'm learning how to solo in a in a minor all right i'll fuck around with my wah wah pedal maybe sing you some tunes huh will that fill up your fucking days while you're waiting for somebody to change your life for the love of your life to walk in through the door right if you're sitting there going oh i don't know who to talk to this is what i want you to you don't be great for all of your souls today why don't you get up put your head like halfway over your fucking cubicle wall never sit next to you just go hey hey when they look at you be like fucking give them the finger fuck you what was that for you know because every time i look at you

you remind me of what i've also accepted what does that mean you know what the fuck it means having an office with walls that don't reach the ceiling without a fucking door you know what i'm talking about right you lock in with her you speak passionately next thing you know next thing you know you're banging her maybe act like you're working late and you go in and you fucking fornicate right on your boss's desk not realizing that he has 24-hour security and it's being recorded by some fucking fat fuck who's supposed to be a security guard and rather than going in there and stopping it he decides to record it so he can put it on his youtube page and maybe get some hits maybe he can talk about it loudly in a bar and be like oh how was the guy

who uploaded it you know and then some pathetic girl whose dad took off when he was when she was three years old we'll overhear that and actually blow that guy see that it's called the winds of change right there when a butterfly flaps its fucking wings oh Jesus what am i talking about all right that's a podcast for this week go fuck yourselves and i mean that too from the bottom of my heart each and every one of you can go fuck yourselves this week and uh don't take any shit and i just just this week well you know what you do why don't you guys start sabotaging those cubicle fucking walls just every week just take one screw out you know what you do is start far away from your cubicle at first so no one suspects you and then once they start getting

wise take one out near you because why would you do that right it's your cubicle why would you leave that evidence right near you you're like sharing stone you know then you wear larry bird shorts with no underwear underneath it you then you uncross and then cross your legs flashing a little ball bag when they interrogate you and that's how you get out of it that's how she did it right in the end she still had the ice pick under the bed all right that's it um i got nothing else hey hey you um fucking april 27th i'm gonna be at conquered college in conquered new hampshire and unlike most of the college gigs i do this one is actually open to the public so if you were too stupid to get in that school you know and you fucking plow the streets and get hammered afterwards wearing

your high school football jacket you always wondered what fucking college was like why didn't you come on down to conquered college in conquered new hampshire on fucking april 27th and i will be there telling my jokes all right have a good day jump this is not playing like you're on this is not playing music each day useful and i think we got it do you

you