Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-19

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

Bill rambles about fatties, the playoffs, and old man theories.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning. No, it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I am just checking in on you, seeing how your week's going. How's your week going? Oh, yeah.

Really? Oh, you don't say. Oh, God bless you. God bless you. God love you. God fucking love you. I'm having a great week. We just today, we did the table read for episode 10, the final episode of season four.

That's it. It fucking killed. And I think that we got coming together. This is going to look like it's an even better season than last season. Amazing writers room this year. So I mean, every year, of course, but this year went to another level. So thank you to everybody helping out. And all of a sudden, the clouds are starting to pot and old freckles.

I'm going to have time to aerobicize, you know, I docked out the all things comedy. We're doing, we're doing some business with the Comedy Central made some stand up specials. And then we have a sort of a premium blend type show that we've been recording the last two days shooting it, I should say. And then tonight's the last night. Where the fuck is that? I always forget the name of that damn theater. Let me see here.

It's on 7th Ave, theater, 7th Ave, Los Angeles, Los Angeles. I did a stand up show there before the Tarragon or something like that is what it's called. You fucking asshole, Bill. Why the hell Tarragon theater? That's it. The Tarragon theater. Is that it? No, that's not it.

Hang on a second. The Tarragon ballroom. That's where the show is at tonight and I'll be doing like like a half hour after all the young bucks go up there and they do their thing. I'm going to close out the show with a half hour stuff. Most of it new shit since my last taping on my special. So look at me. I got the special behind me.

I got this taping behind me. I got the fucking my, my, that was for families kind of getting behind me. I mean, I got to edit it for them, you know, help edit it for the next, I don't know how many months, but yeah, it's all good. So I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with myself. Maybe get caught up in my reading. Speaking of getting caught up, how about your Boston Bruins last night, huh? Do you like that?

Well, if you didn't, you're from Montreal or Toronto. Everybody else. That's what I love about being a Bruins fan is around the league. People love us. I've never seen a team win less cups and have more hatred around the league. You know what I mean? You think we were actually successful. Listen, we've won one cup since 1972.

Once you guys relax, all right, you fucking boo. Is there anything worse than listening to somebody complaining about, you know, physical play? Some of these fucking Toronto fans. I mean, I know Bruins fans probably just as bad, but of course I don't look at that shit. You know, they lose game too. And all of a sudden they're putting out pictures of like the refs wearing Bruins jerseys. It's like, well, were they wearing Toronto jerseys in the first fucking game you assholes?

If we lose, the refs cheat it. No, it was another hard stop in game where we, I forget what the fuck we were up. We were up like five, three years. I thought the game was fucking over. And then all of a sudden they closed it to like, I don't know, four to three or something like that. Then my daughter came down. I missed a little bit of it.

I've just been catching it in patches of it, even though I'm emotionally all in because everybody in the house laughed at me when the Bruins scored. How about Marshawn sticking with that pass? Huh? I don't know. I think he gave it to, I think it was to Posternak. First pass went to the defenseman skates, a nice play, and it went right back on his stick and they gave my tail right there fucking frown.

Loved it. And the shocker of all shockers, Tampa Bay losing four straight. Give it up for your Columbus blue jackets. Right now they're going to have a long layoff and the big thing they've got to worry about is a let down. I mean, they've got to be flying high after beating this team. But last time I checked, you've got to win 16 games before your host, hoist lord Staley, over your head.

I'm an old white guy and I'm talking in clean, cliches, can't even say what I'm trying to say. I wonder how long you could filibuster as a sports announcer just saying all that cliched stuff. Everybody going out there, they played like a team. Everybody was involved. I'll tell you when you get all lined fire and good things are going to happen, they went to the net.

And I'll tell you, that's where the goals are. Okay. You can't be out there on the perimeter. Nobody's ever scored from behind the goal except for Wayne Gretzky and you're not Wayne Gretzky. So I'll tell you right now, you got to get your fucking Canadian ass, Russian ass or whatever the fuck you are right in front of that goddamn net because that's where the goals are. These goddamn kids today, they're on the wrong side of the puck.

They're trying to get on Instagram, make a fucking degree of difficulty. This isn't high dive. We're not high diving here. I see one more fucking mascot and one of these goddamn arenas. I'm going to throw a kid down on the ice. Mark, oh, getting a lot of your anger, and I watched a little bit of NBA basketball. I watched some of the Boston Celtics and, you know, great game there. We fucking won that game, but I'd be honest with you, dude, I don't even know what the

fuck goes on in the NBA anymore. I try to watch it, but I have a theory on what happened to the NBA. All right. Sit down for this one. If you want to hear somebody who was picked last in gym class, tell you what's wrong with the NBA. All right. I'm going big on this one.

I'm going to say it. All right. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time was also one of the worst things that ever happened to NBA hoop. Okay. The same way Eddie Van Halen in 1978 with Van Halen one was one of the worst things that ever happened to guitar playing in the 1980s. All right.

And basically why I'm saying is when you have somebody of their level of talent, just an absolute genius, they are so far beyond everybody else that when mere mortals interpret what they do, they get it wrong because they are limited by the talent that they were blessed with. So with Eddie Van Halen, I know I've used him as a reference before so many people that came after him, what they looked at Eddie and they were just like, take guitar solo, play as many notes as you can within whatever the four bars that you have. And then it just became noise.

The whole fucking it's some of these fucking guitar solos. I mean, I know these guys could play, but like, you know, it's just like, it's almost like you ever get cornered in a party by some fucking cokehead. And there's no back and forth. There's no conversation. They're just fucking punishing you. Yeah. That's what a lot of those solos were.

All right. And before Michael Jordan came along, you had to have a big man to win. You had to feed your big man and blah, blah, blah and all that shit. And he came in with such a talent. He said, not only do I not need a big man, I'm going to jump over your big man and your fucking power forward. And I'm going to so dominate this game that the rest of my teammates are their nicknames going to be my supporting cast.

Now I know when he started, you know, passing the ball and everything, that's when he started to beat the pistons. I'm not saying he was just totally doing it himself, but like all these people that came after him grew up, they wanted to be like Mike and then not Mike, but they're still playing that way. So everybody tried to fucking win and it didn't work. So the fallout of that, I believe was then the Pylon championship team because Michael set the bar at six championships in the modern era.

If you wanted to beat Mike or be as good as him, you had to win six and people just weren't good enough to fucking do it. So they just had the Pylon teams and it started with Kobe and Shaq with the Lakers and then you had the big three in Boston and then the Miami fucking heat. And now you got the, uh, the Golden State Warriors. And if you watch it, I swear to God, and this, this whole fallout of that is you now have the person that's taken it beyond Jordan, where it's like, not only do I not need my other teammates, I don't even like being coached.

So you have somebody out there, you know, people always, oh dude, he's got like 21 points in the first half. It's like, dude, the only fucking number that matters is the score went down by three. I don't give a fuck. He's, he's this person is, I just see these guys, they turned their team into this one dimensional attack. It's like this guy is going to try to fucking beat the entire fucking team. Um, and somehow if you play team basketball, like the San Antonio spurs, nobody pays attention.

And I saw this thing on Instagram showing all these big stars that have since retired and they go, who do you miss the most? And of course everybody's picking Kobe. I mean, he's probably, I don't know. I would, he's got to be at least the top two one-on-one fucking players of all time. Absolute beast. And then you combine that with his wanting to win and all of that shit. However, sitting right in the middle and nobody talking about him was fucking Tim Duncan.

And I might just be an old fucking asshole here, but what I liked about Tim Duncan is Tim Duncan could win with anybody where I felt like Kobe could win, but he needed everybody. He needed like a zillion fucking free agents every fucking year, it seemed. They would just, every three years they would clean house and he would get a fresh batch of some of the best people in the NBA to play with. Um, I don't know. So when I watched the fucking game now, I'll tell you when you got a player, his caliber, you know, he's going to have to get his touches.

It's like, dude, fuck his touches. I was watching the game last night, okay? And, uh, what's his face? Reggie Miller. We go into the fourth quarter. I think we were up by like two points. He goes, you know, for the, you know, the rest of this game is going to be all Kyrie. Now maybe he was saying pass in the ball or whatever to, but I don't know.

I just hear that all the time. And I do, it makes me feel so old. I'm, I sit there yelling at the TV like, you don't believe that you didn't play that kind of ball. Even when you were fucking destroying the Knicks, you still knew you had to play team ball. I don't, I don't know. Whatever.

Okay. I'm done with my old man rant. All right. But I think that that's, that is basically, you know, like I said, I'm done and I'm still going to go here. I think that that's what's happened with basketball. And for an old guy like me, that's why I don't get it when I'm watching him. Like, oh my God, they're down by 10 and that guy came down the court, didn't pass it and

just launched a three and threw up a fucking brick. They're going to call the time out and put them on the bench and they don't. It's just how it's played now. So, but what I will say, there are things that are way better. Okay. So before I'm, I'm that fucking asshole, you know, giving you the global warming speech about professional sports in no time in basketball, have there ever been this many people over this, the height of six foot 10 that can hit a fucking three pointer like a guard.

I mean, it's, it's fucking unbelievable. So there are whatever there are, there are better things. I will tell you though, NHL has changed a lot since I was a kid and I actually, I like, I mean, I miss the fights. I do miss two line passes and that type of thing, but it's, it's a fucking great game. It's still, you can't have one guy go out and try to just take over the entire fucking game. By the way, how about a veteran knocking out that fucking 19 year old kid, such a weird

thing. He's 33. He outweighed the kid by fucking 40 pounds. The kid asked him to fight. What's he supposed to do? Jesus Christ, he gave me a little two piece there. I felt bad for that kid, but I also respect him having the balls. You know, 19 years old, you're playing in the NHL and you take on a 33 year old Russian.

I mean, you got balls. I got to give him that. I don't even know what that series is at right now, but hang on a second. Washington post. Why the fuck does it say that since when the hell do I look at that? Maybe I looked at an article. Washington capitals. All right.

Why would I want to go to Wikipedia? Why is that my default fucking thing every time? Don't enough people, don't enough people go to your goddamn site that you got to fucking direct me right there? All right, Washington capitals, the series is two games to one. Now it is fucking wide open. Wide fucking open. Now the Tampa Bay is, is out of it.

I bet everybody's eyes fucking lit up. What a story that would be if the fucking Columbus blue jackets end up winning the East. Can you imagine that? I'm actually enjoying watching them winning just to see fucking Totorelli smiling. I've never seen that guy smile so much in my life when they went up two games to none. He was like the smile on his face, the way he was holding his hands together. He looked like he was watching his first born take their first few steps. And as a recovering angry lunatic, it's fun to see an angry guy like that show just pure

joy. I feel like in his head, he felt like finally I drew up a game plan that my team heard and they completely fucking executed it to a T and it fucking worked. I mean, that's gotta be Nirvana for a coach. So that was definitely, definitely fun to watch, but I apologize to all the young people who listen to this me bitching about the game. But those are just my theories. And as you get older, the more theories you have because it keeps that voice out of your

head. That's like, you're gonna die soon. Keeps that out of your fucking head. Anyways, how many minutes have I done here? How many minutes? It's a time for the read already. Fucking penguins lose four straight. Now is that guy in the front office?

Josh Adam Myers, who's taping his set tonight from the goddamn comedy jam and the 500 podcast. He was telling me that the capitals last year didn't pay their front office guy, their GM. And all he did was just lead them, you know, put together a team that led them to their first Stanley Cup in the history of the team and they don't pay them. They went a little Theo Epstein, dare I say. Remember that Theo Epstein ended a fucking 86 year curse and they started fucking with this money.

He's like, I'm out of here. No, no, no, no, no, no. Then they paid him and then a few years later he was gone. That guy, he's gotta be the greatest front office guy ever. The guy ended almost a combined 200 years of curses and we wouldn't pay him. Speaking of which, how about your Boston Red Sox? My God, all I've been hearing is the stories. I haven't had time to watch Yankees are kicking our ass and they're in fucking last place.

A little bit of a hangover from the World Series party. Once again, it goes to Wikipedia. Like I don't know what the Boston Red Sox are. All right. I know what they are. They're a fucking last place team right now. We lose five to three from the New York Yankees. And that game I believe we're six and 13.

I wonder, you know, how many fucking assholes at Yankee Stadium were too busy under the stadium eating prime rib? I just have to say as a fucking baseball fan, that fucking Roman feast that they have for everybody down behind home plate, it's just, it's the fucking worst. You're the New York Yankees. You have the most fucking World Series titles. You have the most titles. Anybody in the four major sports and where are all your fucking fans?

Down there talking to fucking Rachel Ray. Whoever fucking celebrity chef is down there cooking for him, fucking watching the game. Just stay home. Stay home, you cunts. I actually got those seats one time. I went to a game, but I mean, at least 10 fucking years ago, I forget how long ago that stadium's been around, but it feels like it was like 10 years ago, maybe like eight years ago.

And I sat down there. I just loaded up, got my food and got the fuck out there and I watched the game. And it was ridiculous. The Yankees, of course, probably were in first place and to sit there, you felt like they were like, you know, already mathematically eliminated. I don't know. That's a sad thing. And they say, oh, you know, that's how it is.

It's like, no, it's just greed. It's greed by the fucking owners where that capitalism thing where you can't just be a fucking billionaire. You got to be a multi-billionaire. And to the detriment, I don't begrudge anybody. God knows on my tax rent, as long as you pay your fucking taxes, begrudge anybody making any more money. But when it's detrimental to your product, I tell you right now, that's when you got

to take a step back and try to figure out what matters. I don't know. I got to sit down and watch the game. I have had a ridiculous urge now that I have a little bit of time off here. I mean, I'm going to Iceland, doing this tour that goes from Iceland to Israel. But I really have, I have a couple of weeks off in May before it starts to get crazy again. And I would love to go to a fucking Dodgers game, I think, like an old man, you know, and fucking keep score and have myself a fucking hot dog.

I only wish there was a smoking section. If I could just sit there and smoke cigars, God damn it, and hang with one of my cigar buddies like Bert Kreischer, you know, Bert's always down to fucking smoke a stick, Josh Adam Myers, you know, be a hell of a thing, or Mike Binder, who actually directed my latest special coming out. And when you guys see how fucking beautiful this thing is, you might actually forget the shitty material you're listening to. And that's what we're going for.

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It's really involved. And there's a couple of reducings of liquids and putting pork chops in an aluminum tent. This is fucking involved. I'm giving myself permission to only do an okay job the first time, but I'm going to get this meal down. And this is going to be one of these meals that when I have people over, when I'm entertaining, okay, when I'm wearing one of my evening gowns, this is the meal that I'm going to pull out to fucking impress people.

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That's H-E-L-I-X helixsleep.com slash burr. Oh yeah, I was telling Verzi, my, by the way, Paul Verzi is down in Raleigh, North Carolina at the improv this weekend and catch him now before he goes to the theaters. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I saw it, I saw it at that set in Gotham. He's been absolutely murdering, but I'll tell you, it's hard when you're a half Greek, half Sicilian New Yorker to go down to Raleigh the first time and headline and sell some tickets. Go down there and say that you were there for his first headline and gig down there. Last I talked to him, I think he was doing a bunch of radio down there, so I bet a lot

of you know that he's in town, but I was talking to him on the phone about that whole theory that I had on like basketball because he was laughing, you know, he always laughs at me because, you know, he's like the fucking, he's a kid to me, you know, wearing the Jordans and all that shit. That fucking old man wearing a fucking Irish sweater. Oh, I hate how true that is. And I was saying like, dude, I swear to God, they treat the stars in this, in the NBA, they treat them like hot chicks, you know, I guess they kind of do that in all leagues,

but I don't know. I have no idea. Bill, please don't go back to your stupid theories about a game you were never really that good at. You know what? Fair enough. Fair enough. Here's my impression of a fucking Laker fan.

Oh yeah, if Kobe's that bad, how come he also won an Oscar? Why does he have a fucking Boston accent, Bill? Let me do that again. Oh my God, if like, Kobe's that bad, like, you know, how many Oscars did Bill Ruther win? Golden Globe much? Is that halftime? Yeah.

I want to get some Botox. I'm sorry. Sorry, LA. I love it out here. What am I doing? All right. Is that the podcast? We've still got another three minutes.

So anyways, tonight, and we'll be down at that fucking theater, the ballroom there, the Tarragon ballroom, is that what it's called? I got to look up ballroom. Is Tarragon like a food? I don't know. No. That's tilapia. That's a fish.

The fuck is Tarragon? The Taragram. Is Tarragon a spice? Yeah, it is. All right. Okay. I thought I was going fucking crazy. Oh, I've been a lot of Tarragon's been putting in bags of weed before, huh?

I wonder what it's good for. Tarragon is so good if you have tingling in your ath. Just rub a little bit. All right. Tarragon is a spices of perennial herb in the sun. I knew I didn't like them. It's a redhead. You don't like anything about the sun.

It is widespread in the wild across much of Eurasia and North America. What is Eurasia? Is that Europe-infused Asia? Is that the Middle East? And is cultivated for culinary and medical purposes. You know the amount of people, if you ask them what continent the Middle East is in? They would not guess Asia. No, they would not.

And then Turkey, I believe, is half in Europe, half in Asia. I don't know, Bill, but we're all half listening at this point. Okay, you're going to fucking shit on the NBA and then give us what? A geography lesson via a spice nobody gives a fuck about? All right. Fair enough. Fair enough. All right.

Listen. God bless all of you. Have a wonderful weekend. Let's go, Bruins. Let's go, Celtics. Red Sox. It's not too late to turn it around. I'm sure ESPN is already having the sky full.

Is it too early to make a move? There's still snow on top of the green monster. Anyways, there's going to be a little break here. Enjoy some music. And then there's going to be another half-hour bonus material of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from Thursday earlier this year or from seven years ago, whenever the fuck I started doing this. Sorry if this podcast was a little bit off.

I was icing my calves the entire time. One of the things I swear to God, I didn't realize how fucked up my goddamn body is. I'm still undoing 40 years. What am I talking about? I'm 50. Yeah, 40 years. 10 years. It's like a brand new car and you can run around, do whatever.

Somewhere in like my teens, I had my first threw out my back and I'm finally fucking getting this shit worked out. But Jesus Christ, dude, I swear to God, my calves, the lady, she went to put her fucking elbow in it. I felt like I literally had like a softball-sized like ball of hornets in each of my calves. I was like popping up off the table. She had to take like this candle thing. I didn't know what the fuck it is.

She liked it. It heats it up and she has to hold it like a half inch away from the skin to like melt up, melt all of the fucking gristle I've had from years and years. Nobody stretched in the 80s. You just worked out. I used to bench, do all the dumb 80s shit. That's how I fucked up my shoulders and then I would get on a bike and I would ride it for like 15 miles every single day, 18 on Saturday and then I would take a day off on Sunday.

Were you shredded, Bill? Yes, I was. I was shredded but I never stretched and now I'm paying the price for it. Now I look like a fucking bald freckled Mr. Magoo limping around my house. I literally sit down for like 10 minutes watching TV and when I stand up I feel like I've been, you know, that feeling you have when you've been asleep for eight hours. For all you other old people out there, people beginning to feel old. I've said this before in the podcast and goddamn it, I'm going to say it again.

Before you get out of bed in the morning. All right. Take your toes and point them back at your knees. If you immediately feel a Charlie horse, just point your feet in the opposite direction and it'll release and you'll be all right. But point them at your knees if you can. I'm doing it right now. Oh, it feels great, right?

You just leave it there for like, you know, a good 30 seconds. Then go in the other direction, point them the other way. If you get a Charlie horse that way, same thing. Just bring your feet back up and it'll go away, hopefully. But I'm not a professional so don't hold me accountable here. And then once you've done those two stretches, move your feet clockwise and then counterclockwise. And then get up. Then get up because what fucks you up is that first step.

That first step of the day when you haven't stretched. What a way to start, you know? When you get out of bed, you just take that first step. You wake up your wife or husband or whatever. You don't want to do that shit. All right. That's it. This is a very old podcast.

You know, if I keep podcasting like this, complaining about sports leagues and my physical ailments, I think my next big advertiser is going to be like Geritah. Do they still make that shit? They used to always have that on the Lawrence Welk Show. Here we do like these ads for it. Geritah. Geritah. Is that how you spell it?

Geritah liquids. It still exists. What is it for? Now the one time I want fucking Wikipedia to help me out, I think it's spying on me. All right. We're making him mad. Let it go to Google. Wiki.

Geritah. Is the United States trademark name for various dietary supplements past and present? Oh, see what they did was they changed with the time. I see. Remember that? Remember the Lawrence Welk? Good night. Sleep tight.

And pleasant dreams to you is the whitest show ever. There's a wish and a prayer for every dream to come true. I swear to God, this is the end of the show. And now till we meet again. Adios. Au revoir. This is them like in a very like passive aggressive way, like shouting out all the people that we had oppressed.

Avida Zayn, right? We had the Mexicans in there, the French and the fucking the Germans right there. What did we do to the French? French and Indian War right there. I don't know, but when you're America, there's a list. America is like Tom Brady, where like he's beat every team in the league. I think at this point we've defeated everybody, you know? Of course I'm kidding.

I'll tell you, you know what our Manny Pacquiao fight is? Remember that Pacquiao Floyd Mayweather fight that should have happened for 10 years and it never did? That's the United States and Russia. I think by the time we get together, no one's going to give a fuck. That's my prediction. All right, old fucking bald freckled asshole. Thanks for cheering me up.

Fuck all you. I'm sorry. All right, enjoy the music and enjoy the bonus half hour. Have a great weekend. You can'ts and I'll see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 18th, 2011.

Fuck! I almost said it perfectly. I was so focusing on saying 2011. Clearly, I fucked up April. Did you catch that? I say April 18th. Let me try that again. Bill Byrd starts his podcast.

Hey, too. Hey, what's going on everybody? It's Bill Byrd. It's the Monday morning podcast for April 18th, 2011. I can't say without slowing down like some second grader trying to read out of his book, Greenfield USA. Did anybody else read that one? I was talking to somebody the other day.

That's the last geography class I had in the United States of America was in second grade. I read a book called Greenfield USA. And I loved it. They talked about all the different goddamn states. You know, they talk about the hot land. And they'd show us a little picture of some farmer with a cow holding a bottle of milk. And I remember thinking, wow, I wish I lived on a farm. And I had a cow.

You know, my little imagination running wild. And they just cut it out. And now look, look at Americans. You know, we can't find shit anymore. Somebody was telling me the other day, somebody, they were quizzing these college kids. And kids were putting like Delaware, like where New Hampshire is. You know, that's like that to me, that is a fucking deal breaker. Like if I was dating a girl, right?

Hottest girl on the goddamn planet. And if she thought Delaware was where was where like New Hampshire was, you know, I would end that relationship within eight months because she's hot. I continue fucking her. And then hopefully I'd get tired of her. But in the back of my head, it would just be keeping this bitch doesn't know where the states are. Well, why would that matter? I mean, everybody has a talent.

Everybody has their good side and their bad side. Why don't women just defend every fucking woman out there? Is it because there's more of you than there are of us? Is that what it is? So you just got to be constantly spinning broad shit in a positive way and just sit there fucking battling with each other? Huh? Is that what it is? I don't know.

Why is my head so fucking itchy this week? Are you supposed to wash your hair every day? I hear different things. You're not supposed to. Are you supposed to let your natural oils produce? Is that what it is? You know, walking around like some stinky European, you know, getting off your fucking awful Pee Wee Herman bicycle.

What is it with Europe and those old bicycles? Is it because you guys have such small roads over there? Is that what it is that you guys can't progress in a bicycle kind of way? You know, is that why we win the Tour de France every year when we go over there? And all those... You ever see the bikes that they ride? Even like the bikes that they ride in the Tour de France, the Italian bikes are terrible.

Horrible bikes. I'm just trying to get them going, just in case I have any Italian fucking listeners over there. Manja, manja. You know, bad I want to fucking go to Italy and just gain 900 pounds. Evidently you don't because they haven't fucked with their food over there. I've been reading more and more about food. Basically what we eat over here is the closest thing to straight up poison.

I don't even think we're fat, lazy fucks. I just think they're poisoning us. Like, I guess the pasta over there in Italy is like, I don't know, doesn't... gluten-free, whatever the fuck that means. I don't know what gluten is, but evidently you don't want a lot of it in your pasta. And there's shit over there. It's gluten-free. I don't know if that means there's no gluten over there,

or the gluten they have is not oppressed like it is in this country. I don't know what it is, but all I know is those motherfuckers over there, they just eat spaghetti all day. They have conversations with the shit hanging out of their mouth, using their tie as a napkin. And everybody has a Ferrari. Isn't that what it is? You guys know what I did this week?

You know what I did this fucking week? I actually went down and I finally decided I'm getting a second car. I decided to fuck it. I'm telling you, that shit over there in Japan really fucked with me. You know, considering I live on a fault line. All right? I realize I need to live for today. And I also realize I need to be prepared in case some of that shit went down.

My first step. And securing my perimeter is all them good old boys do down the south. Everybody makes fun of them. We're all just bunch of stupid rednecks, right? Those rednecks are the smartest motherfuckers on the planet, as far as they are ready for when the shit goes down. They're ready. All right?

They got trucks. They got guns. They know how to kill shit, skin it, gut it, cook it, eat it, fuck it. They know how to do all of that. They're not a head for the hails, man. They know how to do that. They live in the middle of fucking nowhere. The great thing about living in the middle of fucking nowhere is,

you don't have that many games on your schedule. You know what I mean? You live in the city. Okay? You got a full schedule of potential zombies and whatever coming over the fucking goddamn rail trying to run up the stairs of your apartment. Okay? I don't care how many fucking bullets you got.

You're going to run out and eventually they're going to overrun you. They're going to take your shit and fucking have sex with your dead body. Jesus, Bill. Really? Yeah, really. That's how it goes down in the apocalypse. Those rednecks, they live in the middle of nowhere. They got a big field all around their house.

They got like 12 kids so they can all look out every fucking window. Who's kidding who? They can put four kids for their three windows, right? And each window on all sides of their little fucking outhouse. And there's no way to sneak up on them. You know, you got to crawl in your fucking elbows. You're not going to do it. You're going to leave them alone.

They live in the middle of fucking nowhere. But when you live in the city, that's when you got to get worried. You know, unless you're lucky enough to live in a gated community. Gated community. You know, why did I say that twice? Pick up the papers. Pick up the papers. You know, the gated community.

You know, either you're so famous or you've stolen so much from regular people that you feel the need to live behind a fucking wall. You know, have you guys noticed that on Google Maps that when you try to take the little guy and bring him down into a gated community, they won't let it do it? You know, why are they so fucking special? What did they do? You know, could you guys do me a favor?

Can you guys, my listeners, now you should not do this. You shouldn't do this. I'm not advocating doing this wink, wink. But why don't you sprays paint something on the wall outside a gated community that just makes those people not feel so goddamn comfortable? You know, I'm sick of them being cozy smug cunts just sitting in there thinking everything's going to be all right.

Just do something. Don't do anything to any of them. Just spray paint something crazy. Like, hey fuckers, you're next. Where's the bailout? I don't know what to fuck. Just write something that's vague, that kind of includes all of them so they don't know who's the target,

just so they're a little bit nervous when they're in there eating that gluten-free pasta that they have flown in. You know? Oh, so anyway, so you know what I did? I went down to this, oh Jesus, what the fuck did I just do? Oh, I thought I just hit the erase button. No. So anyway, so I went down to this place where they specialize in old mustangs

and I went down there and I was going to order one and just say fuck it. This is the year I want, this is what I want on it. Tell me how much it fucking costs and I'm going to book some road gigs. And dude, the level of Catholic guilt, even though I don't even fucking, I don't even believe in that shit anymore. I don't believe in it. Okay? I don't know if you go somewhere when you die or any of that type of shit

but I know all this fucking religious stuff other than the basics, the ten commandments which, you know, you really could have made one commandment, just don't be a cunt, right? Isn't that what it's all about? Don't be a cunt. Don't take the Lord's name in vain. Don't disrespect your parents. Don't steal my shit.

Don't fuck my wife. Don't want to fuck my wife. Don't be a cunt. What's wrong with you? Hey, look at me. Yeah, you. You're a cunt. Cut it out.

That basically sums up the foundation of every religion and then it turns into guys. Right? Buddha. I like Buddha. That's a good one, you know? Some happy fat fuck. Just sitting there all jolly. Can't even see his dick and he's still happy, you know?

There's something empowering about that. Jesus, I'm not into, you know? You know, and it's not even his fucking pot smoking, you know, goddamn hacky sack vibe that he's putting out, you know, his goddamn robe made out of ganja. It's not even that. I hate the fucking martyr aspect of my religion, you know? I did it for you. I hate that shit.

You know, somebody slaps you in the face. You turn the other cheek. Do it again. Will that make you feel better? The meek shall inherit the earth. It's just, it's just a blueprint for being a pussy. You know? Fucking can't stand it.

And then his Jewish religion. I don't know shit about it. I just know when you get really into it, you got to grow those curly Q Elvis sideburns. And then you got to wear that little, that little brown thing on the back of your head. You know? And then wear the same shirt and the same pants every fucking day or the same style. You know? What are you fucking Albert Einstein?

Are you over there working on theories or relativity? You're not. You're not. All right? Go get yourself an eyes-on shirt. Add a little fucking color to your wardrobe. Can you fucking have a little bit of fun? Um, what else?

Oh, then the Muslim religion. I don't want to get down on my knees every day at four in the afternoon. I'm fucking old. My knees hurt. I don't want to do that shit. I got to carry a yoga mat around everywhere I fucking go and try and figure out, you know, which way is southeast or whatever the hell I'm supposed to. I don't want to do that.

I don't want to fucking do any of that. So, I think that pretty much, oh, Scientology. That's the last one. You know? That one I would actually join because it's just something funny about, you know, being a fly in the wall, hanging out with that level of weirdo. You know, I think they're the weirdest out of all of them, Scientologists, just because the fucking religion, like all other religions were started, it seems,

way the fuck back in the day. So, there's this vagueness that there's no proof that it's complete bullshit, you know? But L. Ron Hubbard has a quote, if you want to make, you want to become a millionaire, start a religion. He basically admits that he kind of just made all this shit up, said that he was the guy. He did it in, like, the 40s. You know, and they're all sitting around there waiting for a fucking spaceship to show up. I just want to go down there and have a really fucking intense conversation with Tom Cruise,

you know, and just see if I can get him going. You know, what I would do is I would just say that I was a little confused about a certain aspect of my life, just to watch him go into fucking motivational speaker mode. You know, laughing maniacally. You know, Scientology, they got, in all religions, they have those giant cavernous buildings, so when somebody laughs maniacally, you get the fucking amazing acoustics. You know, the same acoustics that are like in Jimmy Page's stairwell, when they recorded the drums for when the levee breaks.

You know, good those drum sound. Just imagine somebody laughing in that fucking stairwell. You know what, should I add some reverb here and give you a maniacal laugh? That'd be too much fucking work. Um, anyways, so this is what I did this week. So I went down there to go fucking see if I could get a must-a and the place was closed. And then I'm driving back and I'm like, was that a sign? Was that a sign that I shouldn't have done it? And it's like, no Bill, that's a sign that you're a dumb fuck

and you didn't check to see what their hours were. So whatever. Whatever. So this is what I did this week. Alright? I did a lot of shit this week, by the way. Let me remember, before I tell you that fucking story, I did Kevin James podcast this week and that is gonna be, I say Kevin James.

Kevin Smith. I did Kevin Smith. Oh, oh Jesus. Nah, it's gonna be one of these fucking weeks, isn't it? I did Kevin Smith's podcast. It's gonna be uploaded today. Um, he does. I actually, he didn't show up.

He was sick, so I actually sat in for him, which was really nerve-wracking because I, you know, remind me more like the Ice Capades when I saw him in 1976 at the old Boston. God, I saw him in the late 70s, actually. And Dorothy Hamilton didn't show up. And we were all fucking upset and they had some other chick substitute and everybody fucking booed. So I was worried that these comic book reading sci-fi fans were gonna boo me

and they didn't. And fortunately, Ralph Garmin his co-host, fucking hilarious, he made me feel totally comfortable. I did the show with him and that, um, that podcast is gonna be up today. Alright, so you're getting two, two podcasts from me today. Alright, you're probably gonna be completely sick of me. I'm getting overexposed in the podcast world. I did Doug Benson's last week.

I did, I did Kevin Smith's on Saturday at 8 a.m. today and on Wednesday I'm gonna do the Sklar Brothers. I'm making the podcast rounds, people. I think I am becoming a fucking go-to guest in the podcasting world. You know, like back in the day when somebody canceled, oh, fuck, we need a guest. Back in the day in the Tonight Show, who'd they go with? They'd bring in George Goble.

They'd bring in Bert Reynolds. And he'd do that fucking Cannonball Run Laugh, right? That's what I'm becoming in the podcast world. I did Joe Rogan's like fucking three weeks ago. Who else am I doing? I think I'm doing Chris Porter's coming up. You know, I am just doing all kinds of free work here in the podcasting world, people.

That's what it's all about. Speaking of which, speaking of which, um, I actually, on the MMPodcast page, for the first time ever, we have installed a donation button. So if you want to stop listening to me cry like a cunt, if you'd like, you know, whatever, if you want to donate to the podcast, I'd really appreciate it. Uh, because this is a ton of work.

I do appreciate the fact that I do get to communicate to you guys, but you know, if you want to fucking donate or whatever, we're starting to take this thing to the next level. I came up with the new Monday Morning Podcast logo, or actually the real thing is I paid somebody to do it. We got t-shirts and shit like that. We got some merchandise coming. So, uh, so that way the podcast can continue to be free.

If you want to donate a buck, whatever you want to donate, five bucks, fucking six bucks, three fifty, whatever the fuck you want to donate. If you go to the MMPodcast page, MMPodcast.com, it's on the right hand side, just under the, uh, Twitter, Facebook buttons. You'll see donate, just click on there. Uh, you can go right through PayPal, whatever.

Donation only, just like a church. Can I guilt you guys? Huh? Can I guilt you like Jesus? And he said it under you with, go fuck it yourself. Um, and what else? I really got to get this shit out of the way. I have to make sure that I do treat my career like a business at some point here, so I do have to hype a couple of things here.

Alright? Uh, my pop, my web guy said, remind everyone to follow you on Twitter. I got a list, a list here, because I blow this every week. Alright? Follow me on Twitter, at Bill Burr. Uh, I believe that's my Twitter name. I didn't know my fucking Twitter name.

It's either at Bill Burr or at billburr.com. I think it's just at Bill Burr. B-U-R-R. Uh, I tweet, I talk about things. I Twitter, I don't tweet. That's the masculine way. That's the homophobic way of tweeting. You Twitter.

What else? What else do you do? Also, feel, also tell them to feel free to hit the share button when you post videos on your Facebook page. Oh yeah, I'm trying to get my Facebook page, uh, the fan page. Trying to get those numbers up. We've had 2,500 people since Tuesday. We're trying to keep that thing going.

You know what people? I'm actually, for the first time in my career, I'm going to try to use the internet to my advantage. See, up until this point, I really had no game plan. It was like, I'm just going to go on here. I'm going to say a bunch of stupid shit for a fucking hour. And, you know, people like it. They fucking like it, man.

And if they find it, they fucking find it. And I realized that, you know what? There's nine zillion podcasts out there. I need to, I got to advertise. I got to fucking, I got to do what the fuck I got to do here. I'm finally realizing that, you know? Turning 43 in June, you know, at some point, I would like to feel that if, you know,

I don't know what, if I was to lose my pancreas, I could still have enough money scrolled away that I could afford oatmeal for breakfast for the rest of my life. Isn't that what everybody wants? Don't you guys have a, don't you have a number in your fucking head? What's your number?

You know, you guys watch Breaking Bad? You guys watch that fucking show? Do you know, uh, Eisenberg? He's Mr. White. His, his big number is 600 grand. If he can get 600 grand in cash, scrolled away into the bottom of his house. If he kicks the bucket, his family's going to be okay.

See, so I don't have a family. I got my girl, all right? And I got my dog, all right? But I plan on fucking living. I don't have a terminal disease like Mr. White. Actually, he's in remission on that show. Sorry, I'm getting a little fucking Breaking Bad. I'm going a little geek here for that show.

Um, excuse me. What would be my, I have no fucking idea what my figure would be. Definitely six, you need six figures. Right? Would you guys do that? You know, because everybody wants a fucking house. Here's something for you.

Everybody wants a house. All right? Oh wait, let me explain that shit real quick because I don't even think I explained it. On my, on my Facebook page, the fan page, we're going to start posting some, some of the funny videos, the YouTube ones. And if you like them, only if you like them,

if you think they're funny, just share them with the rest of your friends. And then hopefully they'll see that. And they'll be like, well, who the fuck is this redheaded character? And then they'll go onto my page. And if they like my comedy, then they fucking add me. You know?

And then maybe I can catch up with some of these other comedians out there who are playing these gigantic venues with, with, with fucking sparklers that come down at the end of their shows. Right, people? I want to sell out everybody. There's an assignment for you this week.

Come up with a catchphrase for me. What is something that I can say? Get her done. What can I dynamite? What can I say at the end of my jokes? Huh? Maybe I can just do that. Huh?

At the everywhere with, with that being enough. And then I sell, huh? T-shirts at the end? Is that what I got to do? You know what this really is, people? I know what you're thinking. Is, is Bill just going to give up all fucking integrity? You know what it is?

Is I need a fucking vacation. I need a fucking vacation. It's coming up in June. First two weeks of June. I'm on vacation. And I know what you're thinking. Are you going to still do the podcast? Man, of course I'm going to.

I'm not going to leave you hanging. I'm fucking. I'm going to, I want to go to the middle of nowhere. I want to get a cabin. That's what I want to do. Are there any rednecks listening to this shit? Anyone, can you recommend me some shit? Who's going to be the first podcast listener

to take me hunting? All right? And you got to know, I don't know how to shoot anything, but I will fucking shoot something. I don't have a problem killing an animal. I don't. If I'm out there, there'll be enough mosquitoes that I'll be in enough of an honorary mood.

You know, I already told you I could shoot a fucking deer. As long as it didn't have any deer friends standing around or any little kids, doze, whatever it is. You know? I was a kid who, if it was a really majestic looking one with a bunch of fucking, what do they call it, a 12 pointer or something.

I couldn't shoot that either. We just, it had to be a stupid looking deer just standing there fucking just, you know, you can just tell a bear is going to club it over the head soon, right? Isn't that how bears kill their fucking, their prey? They like pick up a stick. They start bashing it over the fucking head like Hannibal Lecter. Anyways, did I finish hyping everything?

I think that's it. Oh, and this week I'm also going to be at the Pap's Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. There's only a little, there's only a few tickets left for that one and the Detroit show is sold out. So I want to thank both those blue collar towns that I'm finally making my way to. I got there without having to have a puppet or a catchphrase, people.

Very proud of that. But now I want to play, I want to play Tiger Stadium. So I need, I need a catchphrase everybody. Come on. And I'll try them out too. I'm not beyond it. I will try them out next week on the podcast. Come up with a fucking horrific one. Oh, wait a minute. Didn't watch his face already do this?

Ricky Gervais, didn't he do that? Didn't he do a show? Nia used to watch that show. He was an extra. Are you having a laugh? That's such a great fucking, that's the perfect, that's just, that's brilliant writing right there that they, I don't know if Ricky Gervais came up, I don't know who came up with that, but that is just so fucking, that is, that's just perfect. God damn it, that's just perfect.

Am I even funny right now? I'm just sitting here just fucking, I'm just, you know, you know what I'm doing right now? I am, I'm sitting right now on my bed, laying sideways on my bed, laying on my side with my head in my hand, you know, like I'm posing for Playgirl magazine, you know, like the Burt Reddles pose back in the 70s. Look at me, I think, I think I'm getting a fucking ego. Got an extra 2,500 friends on my Facebook page.

I'm telling people to follow me on Twitter. Look at me, I'm not even being funny this week. I'm just hyping shit. And we got the new lady, Bill Burr, tank tops coming up. I can't fucking do that shit. Alright, let's plow ahead here. Let's get into the podcast, shall we? I have so much shit to talk about.

I'm already 25 fucking minutes into this thing. Let's try to blow through this quickly. My parents came to town this week. This weekend came out here to visit, and you know the deal. You feel like you're an adult. You feel like you're a man. You're a guy's guy. You're driving down the street in your hybrid with your fucking arm hanging out the window

and you made sure you put sunblock on so you didn't get cancer because you're a fucking fake. Right? You think you got the world figured out and then all of a sudden your parents show up and immediately you turn into a kid again and you want their approval. So, you know, I don't have any kids.

I don't have anything to show that I am living for anybody other than myself. I am living a selfish artist's life. I play guitar. I play drums. I play hockey. I fucking tell jokes. I fucking do whatever the hell I want to do. I just sit around all day staring at my balls.

It's great. It's fucking great. I don't know why the fuck you guys ever... I know you chose love. I don't know why you ever got married. I don't know why you ever had kids and then you fucking changed yourself to your cubicle. I don't know why you did it, but evidently it's worth it because everybody I know has kids goes,

dude, I'm telling you. Yeah, I fucking work all day. You know, every morning my boss comes in slaps me in the face with his tie and calls me a bitch and I say thank you, sir, may I have another and I fucking hate my job. Oh, I tell you what, I get home.

When I get home and I just see my kid it just fucking... Whatever they say, all that fucking horseshit. And the thing is, is I know it's true. I know it's true. I know when I have a kid I'm not going to give a fuck how I look anymore. You know? I'm not going to moisturize.

I'm going to be walking around in old clothes and old fucking gym shoes. That's my biggest fear. If I ever become a parent, I'll just become a parent. You know, and just dress like shit and drive that old car. I don't want to do it. Why? Why?

If you become a parent, why? Jerry Seinfeld has porches. What am I talking about? See, there's a smart fucking guy. You know, he made his dream come true. He made his half a fucking billion. He got a fleet of porches and then he went down to the gym. He picked out some chick.

I don't give a fuck if you're fucking engaged. Let's go, sweetie. I got half a billion dollars. Come over here. Come over here and ride my rich cock. Right? Then he starts pumping out the fucking kids. Late 40s, early 50s. People, that's...

If you're in your early 20s, that's how you do it. That's how you do it. You make your million first. Then you grab some bitch by her fucking hair. You interrupt the stairs. And you say, listen, woman, I know you want shiny shit. I can buy you shiny shit.

All right? So make your decision. Go ahead and choose, love. You fall in and out of it during the relationship. You know, it's going to wear off. And then where are you going to be? You're going to be sitting there in some fucking house.

Some drab ass fucking house. Cheerios in your hair. A bunch of little ones running around. And then what? Oh, you can choose me. Shiny shit. You want a nice shiny kitchen counter with a shiny fridge? You know,

I'm 50 years old. I've been working for 35 fucking years. I have no dependence. I can buy you the shiny shit you want. So why don't you come over here and ride my half a century old cock.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. You know? Take my fucking dusty semen. Fertilize you. And then we'll have a couple of fucking kids. You know?

And you can be the one who plays with them. And I'll just sit here in a fucking old sweater rocking back and forth going, I did it. I did it. Eating pot cookies, whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't give a shit. I have enough money for help. That's my game plan, people. As I sit here in a one bedroom apartment

in my early 40s and sweatpants and a fucking t-shirt. I'm still holding on to that dream, people. Um, anyways. The fuck was, so my parents come to town. That's what the fuck I'm trying to tell them. That's what I'm really trying to talk about here. My parents come to town.

And, uh, so I don't have any kids. I don't have anything to show them. I'm driving a fucking hybrid. Nothing I'm doing is really that impressive. So, uh, what do I do? I'm taking them out to restaurants. That was the only card I had to play. Look at all the cool places. I know where to eat.

That's all I have, people. You double my age. I'm 84. 42 years of living on this planet. That's all I can show my parents is places to eat. So, I've been actually doing really good with the hiking. Taking my fucking awesome dog for hikes.

And then I come home. And I have a big bowl of fucking oatmeal. You know? And I have it the real way. I just have oatmeal, like a prisoner of war. Just slop it right in the bowl. Throw a little bit of raisins on it. That's the only fucking excitement I allow during my breakfast moment.

You know? All you fucks out there trying to lose weight. What do you do? You make something healthy. And then you fucking add your drugs to it, don't you? Your sugars, your salts. Put a little milk in there. I'm gonna put a scoop of ice cream on top of it. What'd you have for breakfast?

No. I'm telling you, it's my metabolism. No, it isn't. You're cheating, fuck. Stop putting up the food steroids into your healthy food. You gotta sit there and you... You know what you gotta do? You gotta get that fucking...

You gotta get that... That desire, that craving out of your body. You know? Like you guys, if you watch my stand-up specials, you guys realize that I have a sweet tooth. I hate that about myself, but you know what it was?

I fucking just stopped eating them. And it took about a week. Every night I'd be driving home going, I want a piece of cake. What the fuck is... Was it your birthday, Bill? What the fuck's wrong with me? I want a piece of cake or like a pint of ice cream. I just wanted it, right? Then after a fucking week,

your body just gets that craving out of your system. Now I don't want it anymore. You know what's funny is now that it's out of my system, I walked into this place the other day, and they had to go in and get this three-bean salad. You know?

I'm trying to get the booze weight off. I quit boozing, but I just kept eating like an idiot. I'm trying to get my head back down to the size it should be, right? So I'm going in there to order that. I'm sitting there, of course, right in the front. They got like seven different kinds of cakes and all this shit.

And because I wasn't craving sugar, it looked bizarre. All these bright colors and shit. Like why would you even eat that shit? You know? A week before, or if I had had some bad food, I would have fucking

had my face pressed up against the glass trying to just want to eat half the cake. So whatever, so I've been doing great with my diet and all that type of shit. Then my parents come to town, and that's all I had. I just started taking them out.

You know, a couple of cheeseburgers. I was eating a fucking grand slam breakfast last night at some 50's diner. Took them out to some French restaurant. Eating beef bourguignon out of this stew pot that looks like the Jolly Jeet Green giant made the shit.

And I'm at that age. A couple of days eating bad. I gained like five fucking pounds. Now I got a big doughy white stomach again. It's killing me. So anyways, this is how fucking hilarious my parents are. They come out to visit me in Hollywood.

Alright? Where do you think they want it to go? What tourist attraction? Go ahead. I'll give you a second to guess. What are you going to guess? To go look at the Hollywood Walk of Fame. All those stars on the sidewalk. Man's Chinese Theater.

Hollywood Bowl. Sunset Strip. Go down and look at the Paramount Studios. Get that picture taken in front of the Hollywood sign. No. You know where they want it to go? They want it to go to the Ronald Reagan Library.

The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. How fucking awesome is that? You know? You know the deal. Whatever you live in a city for a while. If you live in St. Louis every time you come there. People want to go to the fucking Arch. You don't want to go there. You don't give a fuck. They want to ride that little stupid elevator

up to the top. You don't want to do it, but you got to do it. You live in New York. Some douchebag wants to go to the top of the Empire State Building. You don't want to do it. So my parents came out here and I'm thinking, God, I got to take them to the usual spots. And they said that they wanted to go to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.

And I was like, that's in Hollywood? They're like, no, no, no. It's out west. West of LA. And I was like, you know what? I'll fucking do that. I'll do that in a second.

And I went out to them and I had a great goddamn time. That's something you ought to do. You ought to go to a presidential library. It's fucking hilarious. Especially if it's a president where you were alive when all the shit that happened went down. So then you can go into their library because the library is hilarious. I don't give a fuck who it is.

They are going to make that guy look this is like the third library. I've been to the JFK. I've been to the Richard Nixon. And I've been to the now the Ronald Reagan. None of these were my ideas. I'm a fucking moron. I don't want to go to these things. I'm just always with people who want to go to this shit.

And what I've noticed with the libraries is they just make the person seem just like the greatest fucking person ever. Like evidently Ronald Reagan was the greatest guy ever. Which amazed me because I thought it was Richard Nixon and before that I thought

it was fucking JFK. They had one part of it. They had this whole just say no to drugs thing that they came up with was a miserable failure. I remember it.

I remember that. People used to make just say no. Okay well that solves the crack epidemic when somebody asks you for drugs. Just say no. Meanwhile we're going to cut funding for anything that would help you get out

of your financial fucking problem in the inner city. You know? And then the one viable commodity. The drugs. Which you either sell and make money or you take to fucking numb the pain of living

in a goddamn war zone. Just say no to that. Just just say you don't want to do it. And then continue going to an incredibly unsafe shitty school that we're not going to help to try to make anything better. But in the library

it was just an absolute smashing success. And they were showing her just say no and her hugging some inner city children. And the dress she wore. This is just the Nancy Reagan part. They actually, you know as the best part

they had a just say no board game which I was trying to take a picture of but the fucking security kept looking at me. They weren't allowed to take pictures in the Ronald Reagan presidential library and I just wanted to see like, you know I just want to, I got to look that up on the internet. I want to know what happens.

How do you lose that game? Do you like slowly become a junkie as you play that game? They're like, you know, at the end of the board game is there one gated community nice neighborhood where you live with all the banker cunts and then there's another one where you make the left turning. You're just in some fucking slum that they cut funding to.

Is that basically it? So having gone to that and then the Reagan thing was just like, you know, obviously I like the shit he did where he strengthened our military, you know and then the Russians tried to strengthen their military and then they fucking went bankrupt. That was a great fucking

move and ended up being the worst thing for this country though I think because you need an adversary. You need one because if you don't then you just become a greedy cunt because there's nobody stopping you from just fucking eating every piece of cake that's on the goddamn table. But anyways

so I haven't gone to the Reagan one. I now want to go to the Bill Clinton one because I want to see how they spin all that Monica Lewinsky, I finger fucked some fat whore in the White House. I just got to see because they got to address it because he got impeached.

He's only only two presidents in history have ever gotten impeached. It's him and some other fucking guy. Forget the other guy. Everybody thinks it's fucking Nixon but he did. Nixon resigned before that shit happened. He pulled a mani Ramirez. I'm going to Spain. I'm out.

See ya. But I don't know man it was really it was as much as I'm making fun of Reagan and that type of shit like I don't buy into Democrats or Republicans they all serve the same fucking guys

it doesn't make a difference especially at this point but it was just interesting to see. I'm still into the memorabilia. The creepiest part of the Reagan library is you fucking go through it and remember when John Hinckley tried to kill him? You walk

into this one part. They go this is the assassination part of the Ronald Reagan fucking library and you walk in there and there's three screens all showing the exact same thing and they go it'll start in 10 seconds and they just show the raw footage of Reagan walking out

and this guy squeezing off six fucking shots you know Brady got shot in the head thank god it was a 22 or he would have been dead but a DC police officer and then a secret officer all got shot and then Reagan

took one and wrecked a shade off the car and caught him so it's just the raw footage there's no like you know like fucking Tom Broca going tonight nightly news Ronald Reagan was happy to be shot there wasn't any of that

they just showed it like he was standing there was the creepiest shit ever just he's walking out waving and then it pop pop pop pop pop pop and then everybody just died get him out get him out get him out get him out of there and the car fucking drives away and you're like Jesus

Christ so then you walk into the next room which is like 10 feet away and there's no door okay and now you're looking at the suit that Reagan wore when he got shot and there's a bullet hole right in the fucking the coat the side

of the coat and then you know the fucking assassination the attempt the raw footage is playing every 10 seconds so now you're looking at the suit and then all of a sudden you just hear pop pop pop pop get him out get him out get him out of here and it just kept playing

get him out get him out pop pop pop pop it just was like dude what the fuck and that was the only part of the library I didn't like it's like I got it Jesus Christ and I had to leave but the best part of the library and I got pictures of this up on the mmpodcast.com is they fucking had

uh Air Force One a 757 the entire fucking plane they had it encased within the building and you could go and you could go on the fucking thing and they had the place where the guys sat with the you know the nuclear

devices turn your key this is what blew my mind too when you got on the plane is you know now we're just starting to get the technology where us regular people can be on the internet and use phones and shit they had that technology on Air Force One back in the day when fucking

Reagan Carter all those guys you could you could pick up a rotary phone and call the Kremlin whoever the fuck you needed to talk to on a goddamn rotary phone so that means that that technology is at least 35 years ahead of us that that that would be

the only reason why I would ever want to be president I just want to see what like Obama's cell phone looks like the capabilities of it you know anybody was any of that fucking interesting alright let's let's move on here real quick and then we start I'm gonna get into the whole fucking

questions for the week oh coming up this next week Tribeca Film Festival starts and me, Robert Kelly and Joe D'Rosa have a movie that got selected a short film called Cheat and somebody sent me an email about it it said

hey Bill how you doing so do just watch the trailer for Cheat and man I gotta tell you it looks quite good it's really cool to see you Bobby and Joe and even dumb Voss doing something serious like this is it going to make a run across theaters what are the chances

of it being on DVD sometime this is the deal it's a short film so we'll probably try and put it in other film festivals but we're currently writing a book me, Joe and Bobby and

that's based off of the movie and the book will be out next year beginning part of next year hopefully and in the back of the book the full movie will be available so the movie itself Cheat will come with the book and I can't tell you what it's about because

I don't want to ruin the fucking movie so I'm glad you think that it looks cool and anybody in the New York area please go on to the Tribeca website that I don't have of course as always I don't have any information I'll have it next week next week by the way I'm gonna have Bobby and Joe DiRoso

on my podcast the first time ever there's gonna be three people on my podcast two guests at the same time I'll see how I handled that I went out and I bought a third Mike people I'm ready to do it so what else what else did I want to talk about

how about the Bruins how about the Bruins digging themselves a fucking hole I still have faith I got a feeling the Bruins are gonna go into Montreal tonight they're gonna kick the shit out of those fake fucking Parisian mother fuckers up there

you know what's annoying me it's not even annoying me that we're losing to the Canadians because I don't know why people are picking the Bruins to win the cup we're still missing at least two major pieces to have a championship run but what's killing me is they're making Carrie

price look like he's Ken Dryden and he isn't he isn't these are the first two playoff games this guy has ever fucking won in his entire career the last time we saw this guy in the playoffs we beat him four games in a fucking row

what's going on now is the Canadians they're forwards in that defense when they're blocking shots the Bruins just are playing the dumbest fucking hockey taking slap shots there's nobody in front here you go Carrie is there enough ice between me

and you so you can get a nice beat on this fuck fucking horrific and I know a lot of Bruins fans have pissed that Char didn't play game two they said he was dehydrated and everybody went ah these fucking European players are such pussies drink some Gatorade I think that they couldn't say

that he was puking and shitting his brains out probably for 24 hours I think he had what I had like a month ago so hopefully he'll come back and he'll crunch another one of those pussy fucking Canadian players into the boards and then they can fucking

make a goddamn federal case out of it um I don't know the series is not over there's no fucking way there's no way it's over I have faith we gotta fucking win we gotta win tonight alright that's it and other than that I've just been watching the

these are my predictions I think the lightning are gonna be Pittsburgh I think I think the Bruins are gonna come back and beat the Canadians that's my heart talking Flyers will beat the savers who else

these are easy Detroit's gonna be Phoenix Vancouver's gonna be Chicago and wait wait wait what round do you think San Jose is gonna choke this year everybody do you think the kings are gonna come back and beat them I have no fucking idea

alright let's plow ahead here my finals are the obvious I think it's I think the Flyers no what about the capital see the capitals are finally pushed through I got a funny feeling the Rangers are gonna beat the capitals I felt that even though they lost game one I thought the Rangers were gonna come back and steal game two

but when they did and they went up two games to none I that's when I was like I guess the capitals are gonna do it this year but now that they won game three I don't know I don't know there's a lot of pressure on the capitals a lot of fucking pressure on those fucking

cunts in DC alright let's plow ahead here alright very happy stay at home dad writes dear Bill after listening to one of your recent podcast and also watching let it go I felt compelled to write in I have major issues with stay at home moms complaining about how hard

it is oh Jesus perhaps this topic is played out but I think my situation may bring a new light on the matter I'm a stay at home dad I'll spare you how it became a stay at home dad just tell you that it's terrific I love it

I do all of what you'd expect clean do laundry yard work cook homework with the kids and pickups and drop offs and have no problem with any of it dude that sounds like a fucking vacation wouldn't it be hanging out with fucking kids

I know it sucks when they're babies but once they become like just like little people you know and plus all the technology that they have to fucking encase your children you know what I mean just like put up those little barricades

and you can make those little rubber rooms so they can't hurt themselves and then you stick like the teletubbies on and that's like you know LSD for kids and they're just sitting tripping as you're in the other room making yourself a little scotch anyways yeah there's no boss

and every day is like fucking Saturday you get to hang at your house you get to sleep in your own bed I know the grass is always greener but that sounds fucking awesome anyways he says I'm a pretty organized person so the house always looks good and I've always been a good cook

now I'm an even better one my wife comes home every day needs only to eat, relax and hang out with their daughter another child is on the way this July what does your wife do for a living that she can support you you guys live in nice

that's even better she's got some insane fucking job one of the biggest problems with my situation is when she decides to reclaim one of the traditional female roles around the house this happens periodically about once a month usually less it must be primitive genetic code that kicks in

every so often when it does my world gets fucked suddenly I'm told nothing is where it should be in the kitchen and we need to organize it or that pots aren't good enough or that shit is too high on the shelves I have a foot

I'm like a foot taller than my wife you know what happened with this reading here I was just thinking how well I was reading now I'm in my fucking head and I'm screwing up let's try to regroup here Bill or worse when she decides food shopping come home with shit we don't need or we've never eaten before

because she felt we should try it or worse yet when she decides to cook a meal her cooking isn't bad but when she cooks I don't get the night off my job is to show her where everything is spices dry goods pots etc and also to reach shit she can't

when she's done I spend the next day reorganizing everything to my liking dude you gotta be like abroad there you gotta claim the kitchen don't go around moving things I have everything where I need it just shoot shoot get out of here I'll do this that's what you gotta do

your problem is is you're letting her in see women can shoe guys out of the kitchen because we don't usually most guys don't want to be in there and in the end we always try to keep you in a good mood so maybe you'll blow us that night women they don't have that kind of sex drive and plus they always have the option

of banging someone at work if they want to with absolutely no game then just fucking wearing some hoary shoes and hiking their skirt up they don't even need an opening line their lives are so fucking easy other than fucking having to squeeze a kid out that's the one thing I'll give you

those nine months of hell but you get paid back you get to tee off 12 fucking 20 yards in front of me at the golf course people hold doors for you you don't have to pay for a movie you show a little cleavage you get free drinks all night what the fuck are you broads bitching about alright plow ahead here

so anyways he goes I don't go to her office rearranging shit on occasion on the occasions I drop by oh Jesus so don't laugh at me when I tell you certain things go in certain areas of the fridge and why it's neat oh no I do it I totally get it I'm not giving you

shit he said I used to complain out loud to her about it now I just grin and bear it on occasion on the occasion it happens I figured it's better not to rock the boat less she wises up and sees how good I have it dude you live

in the fucking life you know what you are dude you're basically retired and your wife is out there providing your your pension I think that's phenomenal I think that is absolutely phenomenal and I don't know

why more women don't enjoy being stay at home moms and I'm not trying to be a chauvinistic pig here you know ok those first few years suck without a doubt but then you got to understand once they go to school

alright they start going to school at 9 and they get off at 3 you got 6 hours in the middle of the day to do whatever the fuck you want to do you know something and that's one of those classic points that you bring up to women or stay at home moms

and they freak the fuck out and then they go oh you know they try to make those 6 hours difficult like all the fucking shit they have to do it's like what do you have to do what exactly do you have to do you got the kid dressed and you fed him

now he's at fucking school someone else is watching the kid for the next 6 hours what exactly is it that you have to fucking do laundry oh my god that's got to be so difficult to separate whites from the darks

stick it in a fucking machine and press a button and have it clean it for you where is the if those 6 hours aren't enough for you you're just creating work for yourself you know you can actually be sitting on the couch

drinking a margarita as a machine washes the fucking clothes it's not that big a fucking deal it really isn't go out food shopping and you get to go out there in the day when there's no traffic and there's nobody around you go to the post office

you just sort of putts around town your little mayberry town that's a fucking dream you know I don't know I just think that you know that just seems like a fucking awesome life and then the kids come home

and it gets loud or whatever they love them you make them fucking sandwiches you know and then what I mean how much longer do they go you put them to bed by fucking 8 they get home at like what 3.30 I just don't understand

what the big fucking deal is I just don't get it I really don't get it you don't understand it's every fucking day that's another thing too and at the end of all of that bitching it's like well you didn't have

to be a mom you know it's very easy there's condoms there's the pill there's a whole bunch of prophylactics all different kinds that you can choose from you fucking chose the job and now you're bitching about it what is your fucking problem

Jesus Christ you don't want to go food shopping just go buy a jar of peanut butter and a big giant jar of jelly peanut butter and jelly sandwiches there you go you can do that like 3-4 times a week they don't give a fuck

big glass of milk some cheese and crackers you're overthinking it ladies you're over fucking thinking I don't think it's that fucking hard I think you guys are full of shit you know what it is just like how this guy said at the end of his email

where he's just sitting there grinning and burying it and he doesn't want to rock the boat lest she wises up to see how good he has it I think that that's why they'll stay at home moms I'm not talking about working moms I'm talking about staying at home moms I think that that's why they complain that much

the only complaint there are aspects that I do understand the fact that you guys sit there talking Google Gaga talk the whole fucking day and you just want to hang out with an adult at some point that would drive me a little batshit but you know everything has

you know it's ups and downs and I just don't see the fucking downside is being that steep with that job I really don't anyways sitting there making macaroni trees you know

taking them to the fucking playground and pushing them on a swing I mean how difficult is that that's difficult that's harder than sitting in a cubicle having somebody coming over and telling you what to do do you ever think what's great about being a stay at home mom is your own fucking boss

nobody's telling you what to do don't even fucking tell me your kids are telling you what to do get your goddamn kids in order that's what they invented sticks for you know slap them around a little bit you put the fear of death in them

and then they shut the fuck up that's what my mom used to do she had a paddle he saved the paddle and when we were dicks my mother would line all of us up and she'd beat the shit out of all of us and you'd just be standing there in line waiting for the fucking beating to come

and then you'd always try to block it with your hand and fucking smash your knuckles and then she'd send us all to bed that was like her break she'd do that once a day and like the afternoon that was her afternoon break she'd send us to bed and then we'd go upstairs crying

all sweaty and crying shit and sticky from whatever the fuck we just spilled that caused her to kick the shit out of us and then you know we'd be up there ten minutes and then we'd just fall asleep that was it I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about alright ask bill prom issues

hey bill I'm a senior in high school and have not been to any of my school functions I've been there sir I've been there I went to my senior prom I didn't go to any of the other ones I was a fucking orange haired freak in high school and I didn't even have the courage to ask anybody out

I just saw what was in the mirror and I was just like I'm not gonna do this to somebody else why would I put this on someone else I have never been to a school dance and only a few football games in my high school career dude did I write this in a drunken stupor that sounds like my high school career next week is the prom for my school

and I was wondering if I should go I know people say I should go and it would always be a special moment in my life but will it really is prom overrated dude you know what this is a fucking depressed individual

you know dude you want to go and now you're gonna sit there you know what it is dude you're too fucking smart for your own good and you're gonna sit there and you're gonna break down the prom how fucking stupid it is and the dumb songs and the dj and how you never you know

it's senior year you're never gonna see these people again in your life anyways should I not go dude you should definitely go get the balls up to ask somebody it's a great exercise because someday you're gonna see a girl that you're gonna want to talk to and you want to have a couple at bets alright

so just fucking ask someone to the prom go get dressed up take the pictures have a good time don't do what you're doing dude you're over analyzing life you're gonna start pulling back from the herd and you're gonna end up like me

some psycho babbling to himself and it takes you 20 years to get it right took me 20 years before I met Nia and I finally got it fucking right and I'm starting to function like a human being and thinking about having kids and having a dog I'm telling you man

I'm telling you it's a part of growing up it's a social thing it's very important I think it's very important to go to your proms and your social events because that's what life is about there's a great documentary out there

on HBO called His Way I'm really bad with names it's about this really successful Hollywood producer and as I watched it like I saw life lessons that I learned only recently in life and I realized how backwards I had life

when I was a loner because that's not what life is about life is about networking hanging out with other people and becoming successful in life is all about your ability to connect with other people

and so you got to start as young as possible man you're still young I would definitely do that then and that's it man I would definitely oh he asked me some more did you ever go to a prom and wasn't magical no it wasn't it should have been

but it wasn't because I was a walled off psycho and I apologized to the woman that I went with I was just like you I was sitting there I want to read the rest of this here I was thinking about going but then came to the conclusion of going by myself would just be

oh I was thinking of going by myself but then came to the conclusion that going by myself would just be awkward yeah dude you don't want to do that you're going to freak people out people are going to feel bad for you and then the mean people are going to tease you and it's just going to suck

bad road so if I don't go what should I do dude go just go definitely go you want to go I'm telling you if you didn't want to go you wouldn't be asking me just definitely go just ask somebody I know there's some girls left as sooner

rather than later and you know what dude aim high who gives a fuck if she says no fuck her she'll probably just end up being some some fatty at a reunion one day this is now when you want to go in there just I'm telling you go there psych yourself up aim high

ask a girl that you think is out of your league you know take it to the prom make her fucking laugh and then see if you can you know something might happen who gives it and if it doesn't who gives a shit who gives a shit someday when you see a dream girl sit there

an apple beast you'll have the balls to go up to her because you fucking talk to that cunt in high school alright there's my advice alright let's move on here number two friend is going to be a dad trying to get him to kill it wow

wow okay wow we're already at an hour here this is going to be a long podcast friend is going to be a dad trying to get him to kill it oh jesus here we go bill my friend's got himself into a shitty situation

recently gee I wonder what this is I'm really interested to hear if you have any advice for him and what you have to say I got a call from him about a month ago and said he was going to be a father this is the last thing I expected to hear he's 26 and pretty much just started

getting laid oh you fucking poor bastard see see this this is another reason why you want to go to your prom because you don't want to be this guy the guy who first gets laid at fucking 26 doesn't know anything just fucking dumps his load in the first fucking stupid

waitress he finds this is a very sad thing to happen to one of your best friends it really is what sadder is the girl he knocked up what sadder is the girl he knocked up oh my god this is depressing me she's not someone you'd want to mother your child

let alone be attached to for the rest of your life she's a nice enough girl but a little off she admittedly has some issues in her head and loves pills and weed a little too much oh my god what did this kid do let alone she is secretly married

to someone what dude are you sure you didn't want to send this to Jerry Springer I don't really know this story but let's assume he is foreign and there is no love involved oh an arranged marriage

is that what you're saying anyway when I got the call my friend uh you spelt the word wrong I guess respectively respectively was at the bar I don't want word you're trying to say that my friend was at the bar and yelling about

how he wants to kill it I take it you're against abortion considering you're saying kill it or you're just trying to be funny a day or so later when our buddies get the news we all meet up with him to have a convent your friend to have an abortion dinner

uh oh I see well you and one of your buddies were down there talking about it they want to kill alright so you're just going to sit down with him alright here we go he now has given up and is going to have it he said he tried talking to her a few times

about getting an abortion and she won't have it she wants to have the kid and every time he brings it up she hangs up on him or won't answer his calls and will avoid him for days so now in defeat he's going to have the poor kid well you know it's one of the things there

it's not the guy's choice which is funny when they sit there and they say are you pro choice you know that's not for the guy the woman decides unless you're a really smooth talker I really think about having the kid

will make her feel some sort of self worth and that's why she wants to have it so bad my friend is a sweetheart I have no doubt he'll be a good father but his situation sucks he'll catch this girl forever and he really needs to talk to her and that will even talk to her

and of course a bunch of us pushing her down a flight of stairs jokes followed oh god now he is going with her to get an ultrasound and stuff and won't even talk to us about it I don't know how this stuff works

but she's about two month preggers and we think he has a month left to get rid of the thing what can he do what can he just do to help ummm uh you know what guys he's gonna have the fucking thing

I would say I would say leave him alone and just support him and tell him whatever he does do not marry this woman okay he fucked up he got her pregnant she wants to have it

he doesn't have a say in it that's it it's going down it's going down so you know he fucked up you know that's life you know you fuck sometimes when you fuck up you don't get a do over

which is basically what an abortion is uh she's not going for the do over she's like nope this is the game plan and we're sticking with it just like the rangers even though people are breaking their fucking ankles they're gonna keep trying to block shots that's what she's doing

she wants to have the kids so now he just has to go with it and uh this is what he has to do never move in with her never marry her don't do anything like that she's gonna be a single mother he's gonna be a baby daddy and um

what he needs to do now is he needs to buy a fucking lifetime supply of condoms uh he needs to go out and find the woman that he's supposed to fuck up and marry and in the meantime support that kid that's what he has to do because he busted and not

in her and she's keeping it so he's fucked he's fucked when it comes to that but his life is not over he can he only has to deal with this bitch for 18 fucking years he has to deal with this kid for life i think what he should do is the kid should be the priority

um he should come to some sort of zen realization that he's not gonna convince this woman not to be a fucking maniac if she is a psycho like you said what i would do is i try to convince her not to smoke weed or take any pills during the fucking pregnancy

um and and that's it i mean his only other route is if maybe she wants to put it up for adoption but it doesn't seem like she wants to do that but uh he just needs to settle into the fact that he's having a fucking kid but what you guys

need to make sure is that this woman does not talk him into getting married all he has to do is pay child support if he gets married to her now you're talking alimony and all that type of shit and then when he wants to start his family with the fucking woman

he wants to be with that's gonna be a fucking nightmare so uh that's it alright so that's what i would do i would just say listen just support him as a friend just fucking bang another girl

without a condom i am gonna disown you i'm gonna disown you because it's killing me watching you go through this shit so just make sure you fuck the abortion he's not doing it they're having the kid so now what you gotta do is do not marry this woman

do not marry her and uh and that's fucking it that's it man that's a brutal brutal brutal fucking situation there but for the grace of god anyways here we go let's read this guy from london guy from london

look at this all the way across the fucking pond needs advice about girl with STD Jesus Christ you guys are fucking killing me this week i'm a londoner who just discovered your standup podcast i gotta tell you one of the best come here thank you man that's fucking awesome you know how great that is

to hear from another country you make me laugh from the pit of my stomach which is a pretty special gift to give someone so thank you alright let's see if i can help you out of your fucking problem here anyway i'm writing you because i just joined a dating website i don't know how you feel about online dating but my opinion is always

ben that it's fucked up who needs to join a website to get laid who isn't in some way a fucking lunatic right um i think that's the way it was in the beginning but now it's becoming this phenomenal way of avoiding a cover charge and having to buy somebody a drink and just going right towards

the chick you want nino what's going on my girl just walked in fucking brutal questions this week you want to hear just the titles of these questions or just one in general um i guess it was just this one friend is going to be

a dad trying to get him to kill it what yeah okay alright no i already answered it you know that whole pro-choice thing are you pro-choice is really the woman's

if she wants to vacuum it out like the hoover is getting turned on and if what when a guy makes a joke like that even though you've never had a kid do you still feel a little quivering in there

no i do not what other disgusting question you look really good you do you want to help me with this one guy from London needs dating advice about grow with STD okay so anyways he always thought the online dating things

were those online dating websites were just filled with a bunch of psychos because who can't just get laid but at this point i think it's it's totally normal now to do online stuff it's not like i don't think there's a stigma attached to it anymore plenty of people do it

well i think there's an STD attached to it let me read the rest of this being more than capable of hooking up in real life is that for about two years now that's all they've been doing hooking up dating, meeting girls who never do that thing to me nobody that he falls in love with

i feel like a husk a 31 year old i guess that means like the old guy at the bar 31 year old and i'm dead inside oh i see he's dead inside because no girl can make me feel how i used to in the school playground

with the first crushes pancakes in the morning for or walk through the park or put on some Lionel fucking Richie all they want to do is come home lately all they want to do after i come lately is wash her off my dick and bounce her out

yep i've been there which is no way to live what? nia i banged a lot of broads before i met you and that was the thing you were like the second you did you jumped up you said hang on a second and you went in there and she figured it out when you heard

the sink was on too long that you had your dick in the sink and you were washing it up i used to take the hand fucking soap and just fucking act like i was jerking off with soap and that's why i have the clean cock i have today the thing that makes you want to

which is no way to live i'm actually a romantic guy i cry at disney movies out i don't want to read this shit i want to fall in love again it's a lion or richie song it's 2011 people join these sites so i made a profile anyways

this is a fucking long s e-mail itadada okay so anyways he's on this fucking website anyway after two weeks i'm probably thinking about shutting down the profile the only notable exception so far being a divorcee who does yoga

she invites me to a bar we have a drink she complains of being tipsy and needing to drive i ask what she wants to do she corks up the bottle and takes me back to her place and literally takes a run at me it was nuts too kind of seedy like she'd watched some porn

after the split with her husband decided that that was the way the world was now and decided to emulate it for real so i'm banging a mature granted pretty hot mature woman who's looking at me with this angry look on her face that porn star fuckface thing that makes me feel

uneasy already while saying things like do you like that huh that dick is nice and warmer my pussy huh jesus christ are you gonna blow your nuts right inside this pussy yeah and she's saying it with the english accent

too that's fucking hilarious and i'm just feeling a bit sad inside as i nod anyways this is the thing i meet this girl 26 beautiful and i mean beautiful she looks like a little elf or something she just made it creepy

and angels smoking and she's smart funny kooky but in a good hot way probably that dangerous gonna break your heart way too but i'm a sucker for that anyway we go for a walk around the zoo not really giving a shit about the animals because we're too into each other like hey look an aardvark

oh you have really pretty hair it was great i'm not a bad person after all my heart is beating again for this girl i feel happy where's the std thing here alright so we leave the zoo it's amazing electricity then she goes i've got to tell you something oh jesus

here we go here we go you gotta admit at that point you were worried that she had a dick right there's something i have to tell you um i have three nipples and i'm married to seven different men in iraq which is the sentence you don't want to hear

in a first date but blah blah anyways oh no i just looked ahead jesus brace yourself i look at her and i say go on and she goes on to tell me that a few months ago she was seeing some guy who went down on her

and it turns out she had a cold he had a cold sore on his mouth and now she has herpes so she's got an incurable std that can be passed on at any point what do i do about that what the hell out

i should be running as far from her pussy as i can but i like her i haven't liked anyone like this for a long time but i also never had a disease i look at my shit in that i look after my shit in that way so i'm in a dilemma i like her but she's damaged

she's a bit of a skank in the past possibly but she did the right thing and laid that on the table for me what should i do now how much i'm attracted to her i need your help bill get the fuck out

get out you're advised to get out you'll meet another girl listen she fucked up i'm saying my shit she didn't fuck up someone gave her an std you don't know how she got the std

that's just a story she told well either way that should happen and b you shouldn't judge people because they have an std let me ask you a question she takes all her meds she is on top of it

and makes sure she doesn't have any breakouts and if she does she does what she needs to do and they use protection the entire time and he goes to his doctor and consults about listen my girlfriend has this i don't want to catch it what can we do or he finds someone with a clean pussy

that makes his heart go pitter-patter i don't think it's right to be like no stay away from her because she has herpes because it's like people have std's listen if you want to find the right person in life you gotta be selfish okay and i don't know anybody who has on the list

when they think of this soulmate nobody has herpes no of course not in an ideal world you're both clean in an ideal world you don't have sores on your genitalia i know but sometimes that shit happens and like that's what they need to do

they need to have a herpes social network and people can just meet each other on the herpes social network they don't have to worry about it yeah and then they can go habsies on the herpes meds

and it's all good i don't think habsies is good i'm preaching std segregation i'm preaching separate but equal social website i think it should be tolerant and i think he should talk to her about it she probably knows everything that she needs to do

in terms of medication i think you're full of shit i think if the guy had sores on his dick you'd be like girl and you'd start rolling your head like you were on a talk show you need to get out that shit no i wouldn't

if you really like the guy or girl then you should just talk about it what do they say in manhattan but something insane where STDs are like through the roof so obviously you should do everything in your power to protect yourself but again he's also just dating this girl

he doesn't have to sleep with her right away then there's no fucking point there's no fucking point as a guy let me finish there's no point in being with the woman unless you're gonna bang there's no fucking point well i understand that but they can have

an open conversation about it they can have a mature open line of communication about it look i'm not sure if you actually if you feel like this girl is the one then i mean that's pretty powerful the fact that she has herpes and you're still being like you know

easy easy easy and up and down fucking camden street and he's been careful he kept his breastplate on he fucking had his condom on anyone can catch an STD especially through oral sex because how many people

are using condoms when they go down on a guy and how many people are using dental dams nobody can i give some one night so if you're gonna be doing that kind of stuff yes one needs to be aware that that could happen alright i'm gonna give some one night stand advice

from a dirty filthy old man alright one night stand in seven years so what so you forget all about it you don't have it anymore you're done baby i got you it's over

alright wait a minute this is what you do one of the first things you want to do is you want to romance it so you get out your george michael cassette tape no this is the thing certain things don't change certain things don't change

one night stand you never ever ever repeat ever go down on somebody okay i don't even kiss them one night stand you go in you talk shit you pull their fucking hair you bend them over and you put on a condom and you bang them

that's what it is what am i trying to be a gentleman we're here to fuck we are fucking you do it just the way prostitutes do that's why prostitutes you know there's no fucking kissing anything you want to bang you put a condom on and you just do the act

you don't try to sit there and impress them gardener gloves you finger pop them a little bit you are dispensable and this isn't helping this guy at all don't ever don't ever i'm trying to help other guys don't ever go down on a woman

you don't know ever you shouldn't do it ever and you should wait until you guys are in a serious relationship and then have her get tested and make sure that let me finish that you're not going down on a goddamn sewer same thing with women

guys stick their dicks half of them joined frats they had a fucking ox at some point or some sort of farm animal oral sex is for someone you're in love with i don't give a shit if you're fucking into it you don't do it

so you can avoid something like this listen if you think this girl is the one i was just trying to be funny by all means i guess do it but you're also early you said it i don't need to say it again there's a rewind button

i'm in an hour go grab a mic they're right there in the closet why don't when you walk in here just come in with a mic and be prepared for the gig don't ever go down on somebody in a one night stand

i really need to make that into a bumper sticker last question if you really like you can definitely pursue it but also do you want to deal with this shit you just gotta understand that you fall in and out of love with somebody in a relationship and when you're falling out of love with them

when you're really getting mad you're gonna be thinking herpes shit you fucking cold sore fucking motherfucker you're gonna be thinking crazy shit exactly just don't i mean if you're gonna pursue her whatever don't be using that in your back pocket to throw in her face

because like i said anyone can get an STD at any time there's a bunch of stuff irresponsibly sometimes shit happens it's life and other times you're other times you're a filthy fucking whore a man whore or a female whore and what you do is you gotta when you got an STD you're fucking damaged

so you gotta come up with the fucking story i just go one time told me she had herpes she told me she had it on her knee she said she was in a hot tub she told me she told me she was in a hot tub someone in there had it she scraped her knee and she just got it on her knee

and as long as she didn't there's quadrants of nerves and as long as she didn't stress it wouldn't fucking move and gradually she starts telling me more of the story and it magically moved up to her fucking VJJ yeah she had fucking gentler herpes and she didn't fucking tell me

fortunately i wore a goddamn condom and the second she told me the knee story i was like shoving off the buffalo shoving off the buffalo you know everybody if you're out there you know you run into shit okay but that's why you always wear a fucking condom

always always and yes there's a lot of guys out there who can't fucking maintain a fucking erection cause they're so used to raw dog and that if you put that on it feels like they're wearing a winter coat alright this is what you gotta do don't jerk off for a few days

and then try it cause then you just be psyched anything is even remotely touching you down there just get used to it it's gotta be nothing worse than waking up and having that shit of course it's terrible and she probably feels really bad and embarrassed

about it and she could also be lying how she got it she could be like him she could have been a fucking whore going out banging everything and that's how she got it and you're right and people need to take responsibility if you get herpes you need to take like 50% of it

you're 100% right I would just feel bad if someone was like oh I have herpes and nobody you know wants to be with me even though I'm trying I know you're right I'm trying to be funny I'm also trying to give this guy some good advice some good advice you know you don't have to settle in life

but if you feel like this person's the one then definitely pursue it but don't be fucking just sitting there you know the worst way to go into a relationship is if you feel bad for somebody I feel bad I want to help them it's fucking pathetic you don't want to do that shit you want someone who's your equal you want to aim fucking

I was telling this kid he wanted to go to a prom I go fucking definitely go to your prom and ask some girl that you think is out of your league that's how you improve your life you shoot her how the fuck did I end up with you yeah I'm definitely out of here no I had low self esteem that night and I was just like ah fuck it

oh no I'm just joking we are an hour and 23 minutes into this podcast I have even talked about the YouTube videos these are the best fucking YouTube videos that we've had in a while we've had reviews thin mince fucking hilarious guy throws bike

to stop thieves these guys are stealing like a vespa and this fucking Asian dude just takes his bicycle and throws it at him it's Chuck Norris to the 10th power and then for those guys who love to watch a baseball manager yell at an umpire

we have two Wally Backman videos of him just absolutely losing his shit it's hilarious like this guy hits a foul ball on the other team and they call it a home run and this guy he's already cursing that wasn't even close

it wasn't even close and the umpire just goes what are you talking about and he just snapped what the fuck do you mean what am I talking about it's awesome and then the last one is a comedian who's drunk off his ass just talking shit Ryan Mervis

check that one out on my facebook page the rest will be on the themmpodcast.com please click the share button so other people see it and they get exposed to my comedy I appreciate that we have a new

donation button to the podcast if you guys would like to donate any sort of funds to the podcast I would greatly greatly appreciate it because I have a web guy now who I have to pay I have overhead now it would be nice could I kick it some money there

I could give him a nice little fucking salary everything could get a little nicer here yada yada yada I'm also on twitter what is my twitter name at bill burr at bill burr is my twitter name I wasn't sure that's my handle I wasn't sure if that was at bill burr

or at bill burr.com but my twitter name is at bill burr and that's it go Bruins they're gonna kick the fucking habs ass tonight I'm not being the tip I bet Dan Shaughnessy that fucking god of misery I bet now he's writing about hockey

that's the only story he doesn't know shit about hockey I bet if you didn't if you didn't give him luchich chara or or fucking bobby or I don't think he could name five Bruins I don't total Ray Bork, Cam Neal you take all of them out

that's it that's the podcast for this week ladies and gentlemen I hope you guys had a good time if anybody has an STD out there I hope that wasn't too fucking harsh I'm not blaming you I'm not being a dick be honest about it don't be a cunt because that's how you got it

wrap it up that's the podcast for this week everybody go fuck yourselves we'll talk to you next week subz subz subz subz subz subz subz subz subz subz subz subz

subz subz subz subz subz subz subz 02:03:54,980 --> 02:04:13,980 COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097.