Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-19-18

Episode Date: April 20, 2018

Bill sits down with comedian Bret Ernst.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. BrettComedy.com, B-R-E-T, comedy.com. You can watch it for free. God knows all you fucking millennials love that. You don't want to pay for shit. And he's in the new karate kid, Cobra Kai, on YouTube Red. Tell me about that. That's Ralph Machio's...

Can I ask you a second? Yeah. Wow! May 2nd. Yeah, it was pretty cool, man. Yeah, the guys... I actually had them on the podcast yesterday. That executive produced Hot Tub Time Machine.

They did Harold and Kumar. And they're doing this, too? And they're doing this. Oh, so you know it's going to be quality. Yeah, it's pretty cool, man. And basically it just picks up with Johnny and Daniel in their fifties. In their fifties? Yeah, Daniel runs a car dealership in the valley.

And Johnny's just down on his luck. I'm fucking in. Now, what was the name of the actor who played the... Billy Zapka. William Zapka. Is he in it? Yeah, he's in it. Fuck!

Yeah, Johnny's in it. And it's pretty cool because they're screening the first two episodes in theaters across the country, but select theaters. But it got into Tribeca, which Tuesday. This whole thing, sometimes when they reboot something, I'm just like, why? I'll just be honest. That's kind of weird. I thought they kind of completed it.

There's some instances where they literally have to bring characters back from the dead. We don't have any CGI Miyagi in this one. But this one here, what I like is they're not like hiding the time that went by and that picks them up there in their fifties. And I think that's a really interesting thing just as far as being finally in a writer's room after all these years on a show that I do is just getting to write to that and you get to fill in all of this cool back story of what happened to these guys. Well, there is more.

You learn more about Johnny. Nobody ever really touched on it. People forget he was still a kid in high school, you know what I mean? But now you learn a little bit more about him, and then I play actually Danny. I don't want you to give anything away, but he was a kid of divorce, right? Yeah. His dad wasn't around, which was perfect because that eliminated why wouldn't your dad just teach you how to fight?

They got rid of that. Well, I mean, he had this, what, 16, 17-year-old kid with this horrible sense that was so impressionable on him. But it's pretty cool. Oh, wait. No, I'm talking. I don't know the character's name. I thought you were talking about the cry.

I thought you were talking. Ralph Machio is not named Johnny. No, well, Johnny is a bad, well, I mean, it's pretty, I think, decorative I guess at that time where, you know, I was a latchkey kid, single, everybody had single moms. And yeah, well, Daniel's both my parents worked. So we all had, we all had keys and I remember had all the names of the kids right by the door and we would all grab our keys and then yeah, you'd come home and whoever was the oldest was running shit and could tell, you know, just had total fucking authority could

tell you to go to bed. Like my older brother would tell me to go to bed and I had to do it. And if I did, he'd beat the shit out of me. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, dude, you're only a year older than me. It's two years older than me, but I started fighting back. So then what he understood was like, all right, I'll keep him under my wing and now I got

a four year buffer between the next kid and then that's when his power was solidified. And I sold out, I sold out all my younger siblings just so I could stay up and watch fucking deputy dog. Now I was the middle man, but my older brother had all the authority. Yeah. He'd come home and, you know, he was like the man of the house at 12. Oh, yeah. And what were you nine, 10?

I was, this guy was four years old. Oh, eight. Yeah. He was three or five, five, so yeah. So yeah, that lasted pretty much most of my, but I taught you about power. How quickly can corrupt somebody how most people can handle it? All right. So now I'm really fascinated about this.

So Johnny is the Cobra Kai guy. I'm sorry. No, you know, but you're both, you're right on both ends. I do think Johnny's father wasn't around either. But Daniel, yeah. Daniel had to learn from the fucking maintenance guy because he's got no fucking father. Yeah. So, you know, who better than the guy that fixes the sink?

I think this is a, that's a really brilliant way to go. And I, this, this seems like a cool YouTube thing because I, I feel if this was on a more major network, they would be like, yeah, but who are we going to root for and blah, blah, blah. Like let's, let's have it based around the Ralph Machio character. Well, apparently, I mean, there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of offers for this. And I think, you know, the, the Netflix of the world, maybe even including Netflix

that they kind of bid on it and YouTube red got, got, you know, they got the nod. So, uh, Jesus, they, they, well, they were telling me, you know, they were telling me telling us, uh, cause I was asking them yesterday on the podcast, the producers, I'm like, you know, through the process and everything. And they said, they went into YouTube red and just figured, all right, this would be like the practice pitch and, but as, as it linked, you know, as they sat on it some more and saw the interest and what they were going to be able to do. And it just became more appealing and they went with, I'm a big believer in that.

I'm a big believer in not taking the money. If somebody else will give you more, what you want to do, because then he goes down swinging with what you, you want to do. And I, I was, if you get, you'll get more control, you get more of, I saw this great thing one time, uh, this heavy metal band that never made it. And it just, I forget what the name of the documentary was, but it just took them through their whole career and, uh, how they just stayed together and stayed together and stayed. What was that?

Anvil. This guy knows everything. He's like Google. Oh, thank you. Aaron in the corner. Aaron in the corner. Um, Anvil and this guy, he just said this thing. He said, at the end of the day, he goes, you're better to own a hundred percent of

something and sell 20,000 copies than to own nothing and sell 20 million. Like that's how bad you get fucked with like all of the expenses and all of that type of shit. That was my thought process and giving a special away for free is that, you know, I put my own money into it and, you know, it wasn't cheap. I mean, for me at least, you know, as a comic, you know, you're always check to check. So, um, it basically like, I think my next special, I'll try and shop it, but excuse me. Well, don't ever give up ownership.

No, well, the thing for me was that this was kind of a personal thing for me. Like it's kind of like a one man show in a standup format, but I only had one, I only had enough money for one take. I did it in a colony theater in Burbank, but the concept was basically I want to own it because I found that dare you. Well, all my other, that's how this business. How dare you? Well, the thing that, that kind of, you should be worried about exposure.

We're going to pay you an exposure. Well, the thing is too, is that like all the stuff that I did before on comedy central show, I didn't own any of it. I wasn't even able to share it. You know what I mean? On Facebook. So I released it for free at brettcomedy.com and you could go there. But the thing is you could just watch it.

You don't have to, I mean, you can give me your email if you want. If you want to donate or, I mean, or own it, download it for $5 or buy a t-shirt. You get the download if you want to, but you don't have to do anything. I just want you to watch it. And if you like it, you like it. If you don't put your head on the desk. You know what I mean? I'll click something else.

We'll move on. It's, it's fucking free. I remember early on I had a, I made a CD, I had a standup CD. This, how long I've been like, you know, way back in the day. And I had, you know, put all my money up, paid to have it recorded, edited the thing. The thing was done. And then these big guys came around and they were going to get it into stores. This is 2006, right before every virgin closed.

And I was such an old school guy, I was like, I want my CD in a record store. You know, and with, with the power of these guys, they'll get me on the display towards the front of the store, right? And, but I knew enough that I wanted to retain ownership. And they just kept, they kept trying to get to own it. And it was like, I don't need you to own it. It's done. I don't need any money on this thing.

I just, I just need you to distribute it. And this guy goes to me, he goes, well, ownership shouldn't be that big a deal to you, which it, because what you should be concerned about is exposure. So I said to him, I go, all right, fair enough, but if ownership shouldn't be that much of a big deal for me, why is it such a big deal for you? My manager was in the room and he goes, great fucking question. And this guy stammered for about 15 seconds and then basically said, well, you know, we got in business with these other comics to make CDs and

their CDs bombed and we have to make up the money. It's just like, well, it's, it's not my fault that you got into business with those fucking guys. And the greatest thing I ever did was retain ownership. I ended up getting in business with somebody else. And that was like, you know, hey, you get 60%, we get 40%. I'm like, hey, that sounds like a good deal. And then all the expenses come out of my end.

Yeah. And they get, they get 40 off the gross. I got 60 off the net and they ended up making more money than I did. And to this day, they try to tell me that that was a good deal. It's like, dude, this thing came, it's like, we, you always think like, we're getting in business together to make money off them. And that's not how they do it. Of course.

It's like, we're getting in, yeah, they're going to fuck the people and you and all the money is going to go to them. My favorite thing is I get in business with somebody else and all the money goes to them. And then when I get my cut, their name's on my check. And it's just like, so how the fuck do I know what came in? And then if you audit them, then you get labeled as difficult to work with. Yeah, I know.

It's like difficult to work with a difficult to steal from. And then like, I, one of these deals I had, it was like, um, if one of the DVD companies, if I was to audit them and they were off less than like 8%, then I had to pay for the audit. And it's like, well, you just gave them a license to steal seven and a half percent. Yeah. And it's just like, I'm telling you the, the number one commandment of the 10 commandments that's fucking, uh, that's, that's, uh, broken, maybe it's lying.

But what I've seen is stealing, like all of these fucking idiots who were out there who are stealing on the illegal side of stealing, selling drugs. I mean, anybody who was in the mob, who was smart, eventually went legit. So you could steal on the legal side, then you didn't have to hide your fucking money and you could drive down the street and your fucking Bentley. Well, I've never, look, I love our business. I love the people in our business, you know, but there's a good amount of them that are just fucking garbage.

And I don't even know if that garbage is just the way it's like the way it was set up, the way it was set up when you first come in the game. Like when you first come in, this is why I love this era of, of comedy and where we're at, especially with the digital and the internet and stuff. Like I always say, I only need one percent of America to like me and I'm good. That's it. Yeah. Yeah.

That's it. I mean, that's it. And you know, even if, even if I can say a joke on stage, you know, in a room full of fucking adults and somebody's like, oh, I don't fucking get it. Somebody just sent, somebody just sent me this, this fucking article. Somebody just sent me this article like this. I can't, I can't even fucking read this. But there are some scumbags in our business.

Every guy checks himself a little. New York comedy clubs are just to me too. And it's just like, this is just like such like a, you didn't even stick your head in the comedy clubs. I'm seeing the opposite. Yeah. There's like this backlash. And there's this time now to be more irreverent than ever because, you know,

not all feminists are bad, but these extreme ones. Like what they're doing now with these articles is like the way we left Vietnam where we go, hey, we won and they're leaving. That's what they're saying. Like I'm finding myself, I'm saying shit on stage now. I never would have gone that far, but it's just like, because you have to. Well, you would, you would, I mean, we're all, you would have to agree that we're contrarians by nature.

Yeah. Which would be funny if you disagreed, but I'm just saying, no, no, I don't. You totally lobbed it over and I fucking missed it. No, but even some of the women are going the other way too. Like I've been noticed a lot of female comics doing jokes, you know, where they wish, you know, like, in other words, now they're now they're not getting any action, you know, and, but it's just, well, it becomes inevitable where it just one thing just gets, it becomes exhausted.

Like it's all been said, we get it. And then it's just like, how many times can you keep reiterating the same point? I really believe that if comics, you know, we're such a great think tank because we really don't, I mean, good comics, you know, because you can sit around, you have no real skin in the game. It's more about the joke or the perspective or, you know what I mean? Anytime anybody tries to fucking do that thing where they go like, you know, like where they try to put too much weight on a joke.

I always just get now, dude, no, it's just what I always say to them. Like if they sit there like, well, what you're saying does influence people, blah, blah, I just say to them, I say, look, are you homophobic? And they of course say, no, I go, OK, and during a 60 minute set that I do, what joke could I tell that would then make you homophobic? How could I undo everything that you were taught in 60? What, how many, how many of those jokes would I have to do? So my point of that is, is, is people come in, I'm so sick of talking about

this to people come in, OK, they're, they're, they're adults, their brains are fully formed and they have their ideas. And the amount of times I say shit and it's just like people take it a completely different way is one of the cool things about like somebody listening to music, comedy or anything. It's it goes into your brain and your experience and how you interpret it. But like, it's not my responsibility to babysit you. And if you take it in some really bad fucking way, you walked in with that

shit because if I had the power to undo your 26 years of experience with a couple of fucking jokes, then stand up comedy would not be legal. They wouldn't let a fucking moron like me go on stage going, hey, I haven't read about shit. You know what I think about Syria? I mean, I always not disarm myself, but I always I am a jerk off. I know I'm a jerk off. I'm not I'm not like, you know, me both. You know what I mean?

Like I don't I don't take myself seriously. I have the high school transcript to prove it. People always go, yeah, dude, you're not as dumb as you say. Oh, yeah, I am. I am. I am good. It's just you're watching the one thing that I'm good at, which is basically acting like a fucking idiot. But if you got me on and I could do like like basic jobs, you know what I mean?

Like I was a fucking like workhorse. If you told me to go over and then pick up all those boxes and stick them over there, I would fucking crush that. But if you wanted me to come up with a machine that could fucking make the easier to do that, yeah, I'm out. I'm I'm like a fucking lunch pail, Louie. I'm a moron. But what makes me laugh too is that even the comics that take themselves

so seriously in a sense is like, we like, you know, like that that game that we were on has taken themselves seriously. Hacks think they're fucking changing the world because they're too fucking bad at it and I realized they stink here. I realized so. I was on a plane that we had an emergency land. OK, and it was always fun. Some dude tried to kill another dude next to him, started choking him and shit.

Like we were literally five minutes in the air and and I'm like, fuck, because I was going to miss my gig that night. You know, that's all I care about. Are we not crashing? No. Well, why are we going? I got I got to make my gig, you know, he tried to kill the guy. He starts choking a dude.

So then the guy preceded it. I was all the way in the back. I think the guy just flipped on him. It was like some dude that was I'm going to go with the armrest was an armrest fight. So anyways, long story boring. The guys obviously playing it up now that he, you know, so they start now. Else in the back don't know what's going on. OK, so then the stewardess runs back, so we do.

Is there anybody here in the medical profession, you know, in the medical field? A couple people get up. I see a guy that was a cop get up. A guy that was a fireman. She should have said attention, everyone. There's nothing wrong with the plane. Well, they made that they say that it came back. It came back to us.

I mean, this is after they were asking for for everybody as I would have been in the back, how the fuck is a cop going to fly the plane? The point being is that they said all these people started getting up. And that's when you realize that your job is just so fucking useless. Oh, yeah. It's like in any I'm not even I just need to watch and, you know, unless they're like, hey, can you come up and do five minutes to cheer everybody? Other than that, what the fuck?

All these people have a real purpose. And I'm not saying we don't. But you know, if you're doing the Maslow's hierarchy thing, comics are not like junk food. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Is this a comfort food kind of bucket? That's what we are. We're McDonald's. It's not nutrition.

Yes. So so I would say you're going to be hungry again for knowledge. 10 minutes after watching my act. Yeah, like if you're if you're learning from me, that's there's some off. It's sad. My wife and if anybody ever said that to me, I'd be like, oh, no, no. So I point it towards a library or something like all these comics think they're carlin, but and I don't think there's a lot of that, though. There's a lot of political as I was going to say, especially in like the open

mics where and even there's a couple younger comics that were talking to me that they coined a term called Claptor. What is that? Like these people just don't laugh. Well, they just they just make up, make a statement. And everybody's like, yeah, you know, I used to call that was the opera. The opera. Some of it is a fucking joke.

You don't need to get a job. Whatever, just fucking claptor. Well, I think, you know, just going if you're online all the time and like you just if you get stuck into that fucking swirl, a rabbit hole of that shit, where it's just like, you know, when people just start posting these this information that you need to know, it's like, where did you get this? Who the fuck are you? And there's a couple of two words I hate the most on the is curating an algorithm.

If I see that anywhere, I just fucking I just because I got to be honest with you, like even like as much as I love Netflix and everything like that, it's like you watch one season of Narcos, your whole fucking thing is just now going to be all drug dealers behind the scenes of prisons, you know, San Quentin, the real, you know, the real fuck. And it's just like, you know, you almost get offended. Like, you know, there's more to me than just that. So I actually looked at it, but like when I did my last special when I went in

and they showed me how the algorithm worked, I mean, I was fucking blown away. But like, so maybe it isn't their fault. Maybe I'm such a fucking moron that I watch too many. They're just like, we give up on this guy. Let's just watch share one with my wife. And she's always like, I watch cartoons. I'm dead serious. She's like, what are you fucking 12?

You know, I would love them to bring back is Johnny Quest. Johnny Quest was all right. I wasn't I got to be honest with you, man. I wasn't a big fan of that. You know, I love about Johnny Quest. If you fell off a cliff, you died. That blew my mind. You got shot.

You fucking died like people were dying. Yeah, you were used to Bugs Bunny where everybody just came back. Yeah, Wiley Coyote turned into a fucking accordion gave you a look like, well, that didn't work. And then he comes back totally fine. Should have been in a fucking wheelchair. Let's get back to let's get by the way. I saw a meme talking about the Facebook shit real quick.

I was dying laughing. It was a general. And it says, well, we we we bomb Syria. Let me go into Facebook and see what the experts say. Need to know what our next move is to go to Facebook and find out what all the experts say. Yeah, I'd be honest with you. I don't understand that whole part of the world. I the people that will fight in all that.

But I also know that I haven't read up on it. But I just look at it like the people fighting don't have a plane or a boat. I just don't get how they're going to get us. I know 9 11 happened, but they caught us with their pants down. So all you have to do is just what is Israel do? Israel hasn't had a hijacking of a plane in like, I don't know how many do it in the front. And then when they watch the planes all night. So it's not even a fucking option.

And they're sitting right in the middle of that hornet's nest over there and they're able to survive it. So I don't know. I my hope I'm just worried about us financially. Just I feel like those these fucking jerk offs, they're dragging us into the deep water here. And, you know, in the hole, there's more than one way to skin a cat. And it's just because, you know, realistically, why would you ever try to fight us? We could literally blow up the whole fucking thing with one push of a button if we wanted to. But I don't know.

Maybe somebody over there is good at math and knows it better than I do. But I just sit there. I have like just it's just that wakes me up at night. That's why I try to not to I try to like keep all my shit. I'm not good with it. So like any time I see a story, does your wife handle that stuff? No, no, I do. I am a fucking one stop operation.

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You know, I even do dishes too. It's just, it's just fucking, I actually enjoy doing dishes and cleaning up because I'm a fucking lunatic. I can't sit still. I don't know how to, the only time I can fucking relax is if I'm smoking a cigar and I'm off them right now. Let me ask you this question out of the, uh, if you were to say you had one of those, uh, the popular three that comedians have the, uh, ADD, uh,

check OCD, don't have that, um, depression. I had, uh, I didn't have the chemical one. I was just walking around bummed out for a long time. I didn't realize it because I was always like that. Well, there's depression through intelligence, you know, like, like in other words, and not saying you're intelligent, but you see all these patterns and you just see like, what the fuck is wrong with people? Like, you know, uh, and it just gets to you because that used to, but

I know how to, I know how to talk my way out of that. I got old as I got older. I, I, I just see, oh, dude, we used to get into it. You and I, but it was just sports. I mean, and, and that's what, no, sports, politics. Did we get into a politics? Oh, dude, we would, we would both have our eyebrows all the way up. I thought we were on the same page with that.

I think it was mostly sports. I think the one time we got into it is when I, I remember I had to like literally tell myself the next time you and Brett get going, you have to be the guy that taps out and I started tapping out and we had, we've been good ever since I said, no, it never got ugly. But we would, but it would be like, we both agreed on Johnny. It was something important like that. It was.

And I think you wanted to kill me at the time. Cause I think I said Elway over Brady. I went, I went Montana, Elway Brady. And you went, what are you, no, I didn't have a problem with that. No, at the time you did, no, I didn't. Cause I remember I hit you. Oh, no, you know what it was something different. Cause I was always the guy, people going like Brady's better than Montana.

Once he got four rings, I said, dude, Montana needed four tries to get four rings. Brady needed six. And then once he got his fifth, I said, okay, now we got his fifth. My whole list has changed now because the year that they, that, uh, Denver went is when I texted you and I said, this, this year, Brady, really, and not that it matters any impressed me, but I'm like, this year I was really impressed with what he had to deal with. And you're like, yeah, but it was always over sports.

I mean, the, the politics stuff, I don't, I think we were on the same page with a lot of it. If I can recall, no, there was some huge fucking, oh, who cares? Football, yeah, I can't remember. All right. I didn't know you. I forgot you played drums too. Yeah.

You said you, on your podcast, I'm not like you. I mean, I'm, I'm, I am, I, I used to have a set, a trap set. I played for years and then my grandmother sold it. But you know, every once in a while I'll go into the guitar center and start, you know, playing on the, oh, you got to do it. But when I open for you, you get those fucking V drums. No, you got to get it. If you get those fucking things, man, I'm telling you, like, uh, you know, um,

if you, like when I lived in an apartment in New York, I, I just put like this. I forget it was some sort of foam rubber thing down. And then I built like a little riser on top of that. And then foam rubber on that. And then I put the kit down or something like that. Well, no, wait, it had to be solid. So that things would stand up. I don't think it was foam run to that.

But I, and then I went downstairs to the guy below me and said, Hey, listen, I played drums as a hobby and he's looking at me like you motherfucker. I said, I said, no, here's my phone number. I go, I work at night. You worked during the day. Yeah. I go, I'll only play between 11 and two during the day. If for whatever reason you take a day off, you have a day off.

Call me the second you call me and pick up the phone, Sam downstairs. I will immediately stop. I mean, how could you have a problem with that? And you know what this fucking asshole did? Fucking three months later, I'm playing it like two in the afternoon and my phone rings and I go, hello. And he goes, will you knock it off? Yeah.

The first time I say, Hey, buddy, you fucking, you fucking saying that like you said it to me 20 times. Go fuck yourself. And I hung up. I never talked to him again and he never called again, but I still only played during the day and I wouldn't play weekends either. You think now if he's watching Conan or something, he's like, that's that drummer guy that lived upstairs for me.

He must have switched careers. Good thing. Cause he sucked at drums. It was terrible. You said you do on your, uh, you're on the list podcast. You do a lot of top 10 stuff. Yeah. We just list shit.

I mean, again, it's, it's arguing with your friends over dumb things, which is all right. You got one for me. Well, let's try to, let's try to get the fires going again. We could do five. We could do top five. I mean, this is more your opinion on my, on my show, you know, it's not so much me sometimes, although, uh, I've, I've, I've gotten a little hot, hot headed

like over dumb shit like Rocky four over Rocky three, you know, stupid shit. Yeah, that's important. It is very important in the scheme of life. It matters to you. You're living your truth. You should start a blog about it. Um, I was going to say, did you want to, um, discuss who, uh, and who the top ball athletes, Boston athletes are of all time?

Okay. Like, would you take Brady over bird? Do you think he's number one? Oh, and then the next one could have been top, top week. We don't have to do 10. We could do five. You can't get rid of Larry. Larry's like, and then especially now looking back 30 years and his stuff is

still amazing. And I know Brady is going to be amazing too, obviously, but, uh, and I know he's won two more than Larry won. Uh, my thing about Larry was if I could go back in time, the second he started to do the black top on the driveway, I'd be like, Larry, let me, let me do that. Let me do that. There, you're such like a fucking blue collar guy and cheap. Well, the, the, you remember those when you black top a driver, that little

fucking brush they'd give you? Yeah. Yeah. That was not made for a six foot nine, six foot 10 inch guy and he black topped his own fucking driveway rather than paying somebody. That whole blue collar, I'll do this myself. And he fucked up his back. Well, that's why it was never the same after that.

I was going to say, uh, if we're doing smoke, Coke, if we're doing, uh, if we're doing championships, I mean, then you got to, you got to throw Bill Russell, obviously. No, Bill Russell's the top. Yeah, it would be the top Russell is the tape. He's got 11. Right. So a lot of people leave him out.

I put him in my top five and then you got Ted Williams. And then you got Bobby or who totally changed the game. Bobby or was who Wayne Gretzky says that's the guy. Wayne Gretzky goes, that's the guy. So, um, you know what it is at this point? There's so many people at Boston. No, well, I just love being arrogant now. Well, listen, I remember a time when you guys were awful and, and, and you're,

you don't have to go that far back last. No, you don't have to. No, and, and, uh, and I was going to say too, or why would put my top 10 in Boston athletes? Cause he's my, he's, he would be your Don Mattingly was Wade box. I like, I used to like, and I, and I might throw Andre tipped it in there as well. Andre tipped those. So there's a, there's a lot of great guys that never got, uh, never, I mean, I

mean, Jim Rice, we had, dude, we had rice, Fred Lynn, Carl Yastremsky. We just had all, yeah, all of these great guys that, uh, you know, and I, I always hated that, um, I always make fun of Dan. I don't hate that. And people think I hate that show. I just like breaking his balls. Um, but like he wrote that book, uh, The Curse of the Babe, and it was just such a cop out where you just don't even address granted.

I never read the book, but I just looked at the title. And I judged the book by its cover and, um, it's just was such a cop out. It's just like, no, dude, we were just a really bad franchise. We were a bad franchise. We were like the Flyers where the Flyers got to one, two cups by beating the fuck out of the league. And they were like, that's what works. And that's what the fuck we're going to do.

And now they're finally coming out of it. But dude, they had like a 30, 40 year fucking hangover of trying to continue to make 30s more fair. That, that grocery bullies, uh, doc is fucking amazing. Oh, it's incredible. Yeah. But they were so successful winning back to back. You got to stand.

They were only in the league since 67 and they won their first cup. They went back to back 74, 75, their seventh and eighth year in the league. And everybody's like, this is the future. And that almost destroyed hockey. And, um, they just continued. It was okay during the 80s because there was still a lot of that left. But in the 90s, early 80s, it was still, I remember going to Brent and Burn Arena and watch the Devils and Flyers go and we just went just

for that for the fights. Yeah, dude, it was, it was crazy. The first like nine Bruins games I went to, I would only go if they played the Canadians because I knew there was going to be a bunch of fights. And there's a classic one on YouTube where, uh, there's a bench clearing brawl back when the benches faced each other, the old Boston garden. And Chris Nyland was walking off the ice. And according to him, somebody threw something at him.

I don't know what happened. He pushed Ken Linzman. And then a little Ken Linzman, the rat goes down after this heavyweight Nyland and all of a sudden there was like cops involved in the benches cleared. And I was at that game. See, the thing was sports to me now. And again, man, I know the athletes are, you know, better, but the, uh, no, that's, that's what it was.

Big poppy. I got to put big poppy. Big poppy's, uh, he's in the tent. Yeah, he might even be five. That's what we were arguing about. I remember when there was no the Jerry Rice thing that he was faster than lightning and you were like, how the fuck is he faster? And I said, I saw this sports.

That's what it was. And like, how the fuck is that? Yeah, you can't be, but it was a sports thing that I saw, but, but getting back to the athletes today, sports thing, not a scientist thing. No, it was a fucking document. I love how you move your hands around. It's a sports thing. Like they were wizards.

No, uh, uh, but we saw, um, oh, I can't believe I, and I wasted a good 40 minutes of my, almost a headlining set, which is technically 45 minutes, 45 minutes arguing though that, I mean, there's a part of me that enjoys it, especially with people that are, uh, I mean, not when you get worked up over stupid shit, but I mean, but that's just inevitable. Uh, maybe that, because the German in us, maybe that's what it is. But I do like the mental, the mental checks, like, like the point for point because, you know, I don't, I don't really do, you don't really get that a lot.

That's why it's only with comics, like it's regular civilians. I, I haven't done it. Have you ever done it? And you're in it. You're having a great time. And all of a sudden you look around at the other people's faces and you see people like walking away or the worst laughing at you. What are they arguing?

But comics get it. I like, I, I don't, I don't do well with civilians. That's like when we go out to dinner with like some random couple. I'm just so fucking bored, man. Yeah. I don't care about your kids. Oh, no, no. If when conversations on idle the whole night, you gotta act like I'm a kid

and a kid playing soccer, but that's great. That's wonderful. Yeah. And you try to, you know, we're thinking about going to, uh, to Mexico and then all of a sudden they have, Oh, what do you think of Trump? So immigration policy and my wife just starts kicking me. You're just like, we need something here. No, you can't.

Yeah, you can't do that. And they start telling you about some fucking winery that you can visit and it's good for the kids because they have a little zoo. You can feed pigeons and there's a fucking horrible. I know. And then the worst, then they see you and just, I just have it all. It's on my face. I can't do it.

Like I, Nia stopped doing this to me, but like there was this time every time we would go to a fucking party afterwards on the drive home, I would get like this whole breakdown. Well, I get, I do actually have a bit where I talk about the report card. Oh, is that what I needed to tell you before we get into it? Oh yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, they all do it.

You get this fucking report. You think you had a good time. What is your report? Yeah, I know. I thought I had a good game. Then they went and then I like you think and then they break out this fucking report card and you're like, what the fuck? Can you document everything?

Can you fucking imagine the hellfire if you ever did it to them? Oh, you can't, you can't. It's so funny. My wife tells me what to wear. Sometimes you look, why are you always dressed up? You look, she always tells me you're dressed like a bouncer. Cause I just, she's right. No, it's the thing about women.

They will step up your fucking wardrobe as I'm dressed like a complete jerk off. I was going to wear my Adidas track suit and I said, if I come in with this, he's going to fucking murder me. No, no, no. And then you're born with it. No, I'm wearing this because I'm doing one of those all things comedy polka things, so I'm dressing like a fucking yeah, I was born with it. I had an Adidas one day.

No, um, but you know, it was funny. We were at Sebastian's party. Remember, uh, for the baby and you were fucking hammered and we were, we were hanging out and you know, it's funny to I went to go take a picture. I was by his pool and somebody backed into my hand, like barely touched my hand and I dropped a full whiskey into his fucking pool. I was so embarrassed in Sebastian's car. No, dude, it's fine.

It's fine. Was I that hammered? No, it was. No, I was hammered. I'm saying it a good way because we were all, we were all drinking. And there wasn't a lot of drinkers there. I was watching our wives and they just look at us from the distance. I eat my wife's nervous.

I can tell he was we were having a great time. I was like, dude, we're going to rent a fucking yacht in the Mediterranean. We go all of us. We made, we made these guys. It'll be 300 bucks a piece. We're having a great time. We'll get the fucking NFL network. We'll film it.

Yeah. I'll hype your special. You want, but yeah, we're having a great time and I'm watching my wives and they're just nervous. They're just watching, going, what the fuck is going to happen? I really don't think women get our relationships. Like I find that men we, I mean, at least me and my friends, we bond through conflict in a sense.

Like, like if I know you're an Eagles fan and you know, I'm a Cowboys fan, I'm expecting you to go out your soup, you know, whatever. It's weird that they like watching them argue on real housewives. But when they love the draw, when we act like real housewives over sports, for some reason that this is the thing that they, I've been really, I've been trying, I guess the most accurate way to describe this is I've really been trying not to be me in my, my relationship. It's so fucking hard as I'm starting to feel like that is the problem.

Like, no, we get along great, but when there's, when there's work to be done in the relationship, it's, it's always now, Bill, you're this, this, and this, and like, I want, I was hanging out with this, this, uh, we're treading on party and we're treading on, we got to be careful with this. Yeah, this party and, uh, I don't give a shit. My, my, my wife's cool. She'll fucking, she doesn't listen to me anyways. She hasn't, you know, I figured out the other day, my wife hasn't

got to a stand up show of mine, like three fucking, she doesn't need to. She lives with me. My wife's sick of it. Yeah. I mean, and it's not conducive for what, like, you know, for, it is for like, you know, can you imagine having to watch your wife talk for an hour? Can you imagine? Why would you do that?

Why would you do that to the person? And the same thing over and over. Yeah. Why would you put them through that? I have to, I have total fucking empathy for my wife when it comes to that shit. It's just, and I also, what I do the dishes, what I also found, I got to get something in the good, in the good side of the ledger. On the scorecard?

Yeah, something. I, I, I found that my wife, you know, when, when, the one thing I found attractive about her is that she was not laughing at some of the shit I was saying, and I'm like, okay, this girl's kind of, like in my special, I talked about Robin shit when I was younger and stuff. And, you know, cause I was kind of a bad kid and a bad early adult. And, you know, and she's like, you know, I, I don't find that, you know, I mean, I get why people think it's funny, but, and I'm just like, all right, this

is a normal person because I grew up in so much dysfunction, you have morals. What's this? This is new. No, I'm saying I grew up in so much dysfunction that I didn't realize I grew up in dysfunction. Like you think your shit's normal until you meet normal people. And then, and then you're like, you know, like, oh, you know, you have a dad. I would say until you, you, you meet dialed down people.

Yeah, they're not normal because eventually you just, you realize that on some level, they're out of their fucking mind. It's just not the kind of out of their mind that's going to get you arrested. Well, like my, my, nobody in my wife's family knows anybody that's been to jail. And I know like 15 people, you know, and to me, you are in no circle. So I don't know, but I'm saying to me and my friends, you know, you think that shit's normal and then, but it's not like I met people. So those are like the tips you're getting, like how to survive in jail as a

part of, as opposed to you need two years of a language and have a couple of extracurricular activities so you can get into a good school. Well, there are people that are rounded people that are in it and people that are about it. I was just around it and I kind of dipped my tone. And I, and I actually, uh, again, not to preface it, but I say on stage, this that, uh, I'm, I'm just because I committed crimes doesn't mean I'm a criminal. And yes, it does.

No, it does some millennial shit. No, it's not. If you ever, if you ever hang out with a fucking criminal, it's just a whole different breed. And, and when you're saying I play in high school football, I'm not a football player. Yes, you are. You're not a pro. What do you got to kill somebody?

This is why we argue. I'm saying, is that like, yeah, okay, you commit crimes, you know, like, I mean, you know, but when you're younger, it's not, you're not, there's a certain type of, all right, like, how about this? I get it. Just cause you, just cause you tell a joke at a fucking party doesn't make you a comic. Okay.

But it makes you funny. Okay. What if it worked? It worked. This is, I just want to picture and you want like, you know, the draft day for the NFL, it's for the mob and you're waiting to get that call. And it's like the seventh, eighth round. You just didn't get it.

You got on the taxi squad. That league folded. Yeah. You got on the taxi squad and everything. And you were never, you just weren't, uh, you didn't quite make it to the mob. So you weren't like, you weren't a career criminal, but if you. I just like my wife and she's normal and her family's, uh, you know, normal. Okay.

That was the point you're trying to make. That's all I was trying to make. I'm going to turn into a big argument. Okay. No, but I get what you're saying. I'm not trying to sugarcoat it. It just, it is what it is. I would say you, Aaron, what would you say?

Is he, because there's different levels because there's, there's a punk, there's a dirt bag and then there's a criminal and then there's a career criminal and then there's a psycho. Where would you say he's on that spectrum? It's, it's like he was a punk. He, he grew out of it, you know, I was a juvenile delinquent. Yeah. In fairness to him, he never said what he did, but I figured if somebody said, I

committed crimes that's beyond, you know, right. Just stealing, just stealing shit. Stealing like, I stole a car in middle school and then that's a felony. I know. And then me and my brother, stealing a car is like, you'll go to jail for that. But, but my, my friend, I just rode shotgun and laughed all fucking time. Kind of car. I don't even remember.

It was like an 85, 86. I tried to steal a car, it was actually a truck. We tried to steal a truck. Did you, this was, we got in it and then we were looking for keys on the visor and we couldn't find it. So then we just pushed it down the hill into a river. Now, see, now that's just being dumb. And you know what I mean?

That's not, you're not a criminal. I remember, I remember we were pushing all the wheels were like locked. And then when something snapped and it was going, I remember pushing it and laughing so hard, I couldn't feel my legs. And we almost, we were shitfaced and trying to run back to the car drunk, laughing at just what you did. And then I remember we all had to get ruined some, but then we all had to get the fuck out of there.

God, I haven't thought about that in forever. We all had to get the fuck out of there. I remember the next day my buddy going, I feel like we got cheated out of that laugh because we all had to fucking just, were you the funniest out of your friends? It was during the day too. Broad daylight. And you were drunk. And we were drunk.

Was it summer or some shit? No, somebody somehow. That was the winner. That's, that's, that's odd. It was the weekend and somebody somehow had got a case of beer. And you know, one of those deals, you just start drinking like, I got an idea. Well, you know how like, uh, like the way you drink when you first drink is like, give me that shit about like it's way worse to get, like there's a poisonous

snake, it's way worse to get bitten by a baby one than a, an adult. Cause adult knows it'll give you just enough to fuck you up. But the baby just, but the baby just like both barrels. That's how you drink. Like when you're an adult and you drink, you're a gentleman, you sip and shit, you know, you like gleason in the fucking, the hustler, right? But like, when you're a kid, you're fast Eddie and you're sucking it down. You're fucking messed.

That's the way we were drinking. And we ended up, you know, and we were underage. So you end up in a parking lot of the woods. Now we were in a parking lot. Here's the difference to my point. Now let's just say that I'm, I'm with my friends and there's one kid that's like, Hey, I have an idea. Let's break into this dude's apartment.

Okay. And then you're like, okay, cause it'll be fun to break in somebody's apartment. But this guy has got other motives. Like he's like, he's like, no, no, no, I know we're going to take the credit cards. I'm going to take the keys. Like he's got it planned out, but I'm in it just because I think it's fun. You're in it for the story. Yeah.

And the laugh. Yeah. The story. Absolutely. You know, when you're a young dude and you're trying to get a rep, you know, and, and you're just, so that's when you commit the crime. But then there's the guy that's like, no, no, no, no, he sees the future. He see, like he's, he's like, here's what you're going to do.

And I'm going to put a house on this. Yeah. And then this other guy's going to have to pay for it. Absolutely. Like that's the difference. So we're never going to get caught. That would be a huge, that would be the difference between like, cause when, when my buddy pulled up with the car, I jumped in the car and we just

went cruising and we ended up wrecking it. It was four of us. I would love to tell this story one time about that night because it was four of us, me and my, well, you should tell it on your podcast. You're on the list. Yeah. I won't do it now. Yeah.

Is that a passive aggressive way for me to say, shut the fuck up with the story? Or is that it? Like, no, I, cause, cause I'd seem like you didn't want to tell it now. If you want to tell it now, I'll listen. No, it's, it's not even that long. I'm just saying, like, if I can ever write a short film or something. Oh, it was just an interesting night that the two of us, the four of us, two of us got pinched and the other two didn't.

And they didn't rat you out or anything? No. Did you ever? I'm the one time we stole a case of beer out of a, out of a fucking liquor store. And the whole thing was like, uh, this was the deal. So we came up with this idea. Oh, I can't tell this story because we don't use names because we're, we're, we're doing, we're doing some of it, uh, on a project that I'm working on.

So I can't, I can't give this away, but we, but we're fucking, we're giving these, these people like blue balls, story blue balls here. You know, the deal is just basically you fucking walk in the oldest guy looking kid and you just fucking, you walk in, you stand in line. You know, you act like you're going to pay in at the last second, you fucking run out. And, uh, yeah, it was one of those. I used to go into grocery stores when I, I mean, I had no money, man. And, um, I'm like 19.

I was washing dishes at Hooters. I had like three. I was bouncing at a nightclub, washing dishes at Hooters. I was trying to do something with my life. Do you ever have to clean the grease trap? Oh, it's the fucking worst, man. We had to do it every night. Cause that's not bad.

Ours was every three months. It'd be three months of grease. We had to clean the fucking friars, man. That was a pain in the empty, all the oil out. I was a prep cook. I robbed that. I robbed every place I worked for, man. That's how I ate.

I used to kangaroo pouch my apron. And then when I was like prepping food, I would put it in my apron. I had to go fucking homeless. What do you mean? That's how you ate? Well, I was, I was pretty much on my own. I mean, I was, I was one of those losers that went away to community college. I'd never heard of that, you know?

I never went to community college in another town. No, it doesn't. That's the point. I'm, I'm crashing at some other dude's apartment. And then I was trying to go to school and just try and get my life going, man. And, and when I worked there, I just used to stack up on food. I had a cooler in the trunk. Oh, you were broke.

Okay. Okay. I guess. Yeah. All right. But I told this story before I was working in this restaurant, and there was this guy who worked there and he fucking, he lost his license for drinking and driving so many times

that there was no date that he was going to get his license back. And this was the eighties. And he had lost it. This is right when mothers against drinking and driving came out. Like he did the level of fuckup you had to be. And he was about 34, 35. And he already had the gin blossom nose. He looked like he looked like WC fields.

Yeah. And he was 34, 35, right? And so he used to ride this moped to work. I was living in North Carolina and he fucking used to ride this moped to work. And he lived in a trailer park. So this fucking moped, he didn't have a driver's license. This was it. This was it for this guy.

Like this was his mode of fucking transportation. I remember he stood like on cold winter days that he'd come to work and he would always be drunk and hungover. So he would shower late and he would come to work and his hair would still be wet. And he would have frost on his hair. He was like fucking grandpa Munster, right? So that time he parked it back there. And this other kid, it was in the metallica classic burnout teenager.

He like never shaved his upper lip. So he had that awful prepubescent fucking mustache. That little look like somebody spit dip on his lip. Yeah. It's always blonde. No matter what color you have jet black. Hey, that little blonde mustache, right? So we thought it'd be funny if we took his moped and hid the thing

and he'd think that it was stolen. Watch him freak out and be like, I will tell you what it is. So just to freak this guy out and this guy had like nothing, right? So he was in waiting tables and we took his moped and behind the restaurant was this little shed built into a hill that they kept all the extra kegs of beer and all that stuff. So we wheeled it around and put it up on the roof because you could just walk up.

There was like a driveway. You went up and we just stuck it up on the fucking roof and just left it there. And he came out and he saw it and he was freaking freaking out. I remember pretending to wash dishes and my shoulders were shaking, watching this guy. I mean, this was like his fucking hope diamond. And then finally we couldn't stop and we just all started laughing. He's like, you fucking assholes.

And we go, yeah, it's up on the roof. We walked out, we went up in the roof and it was gone. Somebody stole it. That's so, that's so fucking awful. No, it gets better. So he reports it stolen. They ended up catching the kid like two days later and the kid had tried to paint it.

I'll never forget it was a silver one and he sprayed all this black on it, did a shit job and it looked like fucking shit. And I remember like three days later, the guy riding back to work with frost in his mustache and this horrible silver and like fucked up black paint all over it. I actually really felt bad. I felt bad about that. Do you ever remember the kid growing up with the mini bike?

That kid was always going to equal scumbag. Like, did you guys make mini bikes? I have that kid that had the mini bike with the lawnmower. I remember, my parents were like, you're not riding those fucking things. They're both in the medical field. So one of my brothers bought one and had it hid by, it was another shed.

It was always a shed when I was growing up. He had it hid behind there and just the pressure of it because he had to keep it away from us. He thought I was going to ride here. Did he buy it from a kid that made it or was it like a legit? No, no, it was a moped and he bought it. It wasn't a dirt bike. But my parents were like in the medical field.

So no matter what you wanted to do if it was remotely dangerous, my dad's thing was, Christ, I had a patient in the other day. Trying to moped. Hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, he's gone. He was always dead. No matter what the fuck you wanted to do. He had a patient in the other day. You know, it's just like, it was just so fucking.

What a coincidence, dad. Every fucking thing I wanted to do was like one of those things. They always play that worst possible scenario game. But here's the thing. Now that I got a kid, I totally get it. I totally get it. Did they tell you that? Like once you have a kid, you'll understand.

No, no, my parents. What great thing about them is they let you figure out, as much as they stayed on you on the big shit, don't do drugs and all of that and stress education, they let you figure out a lot of shit. And I think that that's why, you know, people in my family are like self-sufficient and have that fucking, you know,

you don't stand around looking at the rock. You're like, I guess I have to push this fucking thing or it's not going to move. Yeah. I remember like, and like the life lessons. Remember, I had this piece of shit pickup truck and I bought and it was my first car and it broke down. And so I got on the pay phone so long ago.

This was, I fucking called my mom like, Mom, my truck isn't starting with the whole fucking scenario. When I got to be at work, she listened to the whole fucking thing, wasn't saying anything. And then I finished and she goes, well, what would you have me do? And I was like, oh, shit. And I looked down, there was a phone book right there.

And I was, you know, somebody fucking ripped all the pages out. And I was like, all right, I guess I got to call a tow truck. I mean, she was one step away from calling me a pussy. Did you hear my mom? Yeah, like why are you fucking like, what am I a fucking mechanic? All of that was in that. You have a dime.

Why did you fucking, it was a dime back there. Why did you fucking call me? Call a fucking tow. What am I going to go down there and pick the truck up? You're fucking moron. I know you suck at math. Are you bad at life too? I heard all of that.

And I felt stupid. But I remember I was mad at her and then. But was it tough love or was it? No, it was totally tough love than me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it was all planned. It was tough love because it was just like. This kid's got to learn. Yeah, because one of these days you're going to be on your own.

And like, I saw Dana Carby do a hilarious bit about that. Where, you know, his kids were calling him up or something like that because something wasn't working rather than calling the landlord. And I guess I guess that's a thing with kids nowadays. Like they his generation went too far overcorrecting because like, you know, if you watch like his comedy, you know, the old guy, we had a game called stare at the sun, you know, like I think his was so tough that then there was maybe like a bit of an overcorrection.

But I remember when he was doing that bit, I'm not going to try to redo it. It was fucking hilarious. But it reminded me of that story and that they can like once again, how right my mother was being like, all right, well, you have a fucking brain use it. The thing that I found the difference like the way our parents were raised and the way they raised us is like my mom, when she was younger, you know, you stay outside, kids played outside, you come home when the lights came on. I mean, you're you're you're a little older than me.

And where I grew up is also was a little different to in North Jersey at the time. You know, it wasn't our parents raised me us the same way. But the outside wasn't safe, if that makes any sense. When they were younger, it was safe. But then like, come home when the lights are on, you're like, OK, and I'm riding by by fucking crackheads. And, you know, because to them, they were raised that way. And then I think our parents saw a lot of shit they shouldn't have seen

at a young age, people our age, you know, and now they're overprotective. Yeah, I don't know how to do it. I think it's going to even out with like kids like your kids your age. I don't know guys are going to be a happy medium. You know, it really fucked me up was, you know, that to catch a predator. Yeah, like that that like makes it seem that there's a fucking creep behind every tree. And I don't know if back in the day, because back in the day, you just say he's a dirty old man, stay away from him.

But I think that there's a with the Internet. Yeah, and the ability for people to act on stuff and feed shit and watch all this porn and all of this type of stuff. And I think it draws these fucking people out. Well, the Internet is like one big fucking neighborhood. And and and there's no really securing. I mean, there's shit that I see in my feed. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Or you know, I kind of get away from kind of getting. But the thing about it is, though, the Internet is fucking incredible, too. If you if you try to learn shit, the right shit. Like, dude, if you want to get that fucking V drums, if you want to learn a bunch of shit, you know, there's some there's every there's always somebody doing a drum cover where we'll break down something that you can't fucking figure out. And now there's like some monster fucking teachers out there.

Mike Johnston, the guy take lessons with Dave Elich just started doing shit. And these guys are like these guys are like legit fucking like they know what they're doing. And and like so if you stay in those areas learning how to cook, you're good. You're good. The Internet is it is an exact. What's what I'm looking at? It's it's just an exact replica of human nature. Is that like, you know, first of all, the idea that we're going to build this information

highway, we're going to connect people all over the world. We're going to learn from each other. And like 80 percent of it is porn. And then then click bait. You got these fucking scumbag people and these fake articles and these everybody. And then there's that that's human nature, man. And it's an exact replica. I've kind of been I've been away.

I'm trying to be vice-less here in April. They're like, no, no, poor, no cigars, no booze. I fucked up the other day. I took a couple of hits of weed. I think I jerked off the song while smoking a cigar. Dude, I haven't had a drink since New Year's, man. Oh, you know what, dude? I think we're going over here before before I just saw the next podcast.

Can I look into here before I get out of here? I do have to address the fact that the congratulations to the Maple Leafs. You guys finally fucking showed up and played a hell of a game. But I feel good, but this is going to come out Thursday. I feel good about our chances Thursday, considering, you know, I just don't see us getting 40 shots on goal again and losing. So all we got to do is win this next one up three games to one. But it was a phenomenal game.

And that was the first game in this series that felt like Playoff Hockey, where both teams were fucking out there killing it. So I look forward to tonight's game for Brett Erz. He's got a new series on YouTube Red that debuts May 2nd, The Cobra Kai Kid. If you want to watch his standup special, Principles Office for Free, you can get it at bret, b-r-e-t, comedy.com. You could also go to Instagram and also subscribe to my podcast at bretcomedy.com. You can also listen to his podcast right here in all things comedy.

You're on the list podcast. All right, Brett, thanks so much. Dude, love you, brother. All right, love you too. Thanks, buddy.