Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-2-20

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

Bill rambles about making your bed, armed drones, and a report from the kitchen.

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Did you know it was Thursday? Now you guys, if you're starting to lose track of the days, what you know, now you know what it's like to be a comedian. When you have no gigs and you've lost your day job and you're just sitting there going, what the fuck is going to happen next? Is it Saturday already? Well, it's only Tuesday. What the fuck happened? I forgot today was Thursday. That's why this thing's a little bit late. But who's kidding? You got to be sleeping in at this point, right? You're still waking up early to get the latest information. Here's the latest information. Stay the fuck inside, you dumb cunts. Still, you know, I'm not saying you can't go for a fucking drive. Keep the windows up, you know?

I just don't understand it. I think I'm telling you, I said last week I went a little bit hard. I said what I thought that the governments of each city needed to start going out and shooting people that were just standing too far. Lazily, you know, the lazy enforcement of the six foot rule, the groups of threes and fours still walking along down the fucking street. They've probably self-diagnosed themselves saying, well, I mean, I've been inside for a couple weeks. I obviously don't have it. You obviously don't have it. I mean, what the fuck? It's a fucking beautiful day. Let's fucking get out there, man. Okay, shooting them was too much. How about like maybe with a dart, you know, and then you stick them all in. And then when they come to you stick them all in the in the same place like you guys want to be fucking social during a pandemic.

There you go. Reopen the fucking Astro Dome before Joel Osteen opens it. What's that, buddy? I'm doing my podcast. I'm not screaming. This is for comedy. I love my daughter. She gets on me about the yelling. Daddy, no screaming. It's going to be okay. I'm like, you're right, buddy. You're right. And then we laugh. And then that's it. It's over. I never thought to do that when I was a kid. Anyway, you stick them all in the fucking Astro Dome. It's the human dog catcher. And you just go out there and they just fucking, you know, goddamn these fucking poor rednecks. Hey, they got these AK 40s, whatever the fuck they got, the goddamn assault rifles.

Just give them one with darts and have them come out here and shoot some fucking liberals. They'll have a great time. Okay, then get some liberals you take into a red state. They just get to shoot all these people with fucking Trump shirts standing too close to each other. And then you stick them all in the Astro Dome, right? And when this whole fucking thing is over, whoever comes walking out lives. That's it. No food, no water. No, I mean, it's just a level of fucking selfishness that it kind of goes beyond like everything, even like all these stupid Trump things like that one from yesterday where they were like, Mr. President, what do you think about the domestic violence in Seattle? And he goes, Mexican violence. And the guy goes, no, domestic violence. And he goes, no. Mr. President, welcome to Ireland. Have you tried the stew? Dirty Jew.

No, the stew. No. Now that doesn't give you a lot of confidence, okay? And you would write to feel a certain way that this is the guy that's going to lead us out of the fucking forest. But it's only fair if you're going to be looking at that fucking asshole, you got to look at your jerk off fucking neighbors too. You really have to. These dumb selfish fucks. I saw yesterday, I saw a group of three people ride motorcycles. In a way, I understood it like, wow, we can finally ride out here, maybe not die. But it's like there's no fucking way all three of you live together. It's possible. Just three is a weird number, you know? Or maybe I didn't have enough game as a single man, you know, or maybe I wasn't open enough. That three is not an odd number. Anyway, so now that I've been preaching to you guys about staying inside and like, I have not come anywhere near six feet next to somebody in fucking weeks.

I'm just staying the fuck away, you know? If I have to run an errand, I peer into the store, there's something going on, but I'm doing just like bare minimal shit. I haven't been to the bank since it started, I haven't gone to the gas station. Okay, there's just been a few things, you know? You got to get groceries and you got to get the mail or whatever, right? I don't fucking know. But other than that, okay? They're even saying just somebody talking to you. There's like water droplets, which is fucking gross. Like when this whole fucking thing's over, I think I'm going to still wear a mask. Remember all of these years, we've always been like, what is with all these Asian people wearing masks on the plane? What did they know that we don't know? Oh, they know how to stop a pandemic. Yeah, when I found out, you know, I didn't know what the fuck it was. I was like, what are they? You don't want to breathe this? Is it fucking American air? What is it? When I found out that the reason why that they were wearing masks is because they were sick and didn't want to get anybody else sick, I was just like, that's one of the most considerate things ever. You know? So there you go. There's my ignorance. So how much can I look at Trump like he's a fucking dope? He is a dope, but so am I. So don't I deserve him? Oh, I vacuumed my house yesterday. And today I took out the fucking swifter.

I get into it, man. I fucking love the swifter free advertising. The swifter is the shit. No more movement furniture that fucking day you can lay right you make no entire woods line lines up a pot. You can be fucking doing that just fucking going underneath the address. Getting all them old fucking spider legs and shit out from underneath there. It's one of my favorite things ever. You know, I'm going the other way. I'm not going to go crazy. I know I haven't already out of my fucking mind. Okay, I'm keeping the hygiene at a high level. I'm making the bed every day. Somebody sent me something this speech of this admiral in the Navy, basically saying my whole dreams would come true if I made the bed in the morning. I don't know if that's fucking true. You know, whether it is or not, there's no fucking way I'm getting on a boat with that guy. I'm just not not because of him. I'm just not into the ocean, but I'll make the fucking bed. Oh, I'll make that goddamn bed private. How the fuck do you want to become a special private? Now you think that's going to happen if you don't make your bed? There's a reason you only got one strap on that sleeve. I should be able to bounce a quarter off of that comforter. Shout out to everybody in the arms services serving this country that you somehow made it through basic trading with those people screaming and yelling at you and you didn't snap your better person than I was. I wouldn't, you know, there's no fucking way I could get through boot camp without it at least one time. At one time, I'd have to at least be like, all right, fucking marching.

Aren't we all wearing the same uniform? At what point does the yelling stop, Sarge? Huh? What are you so mad about? Because you have 50 and you still got one of those, you still got a cop haircut for the 1930s? Is that what the fucking problem is? That little belt on the back of your head holding you smokey the bare fucking hat on your cunt. Yeah, those are the types of things when my emotions get high and I forget like I don't know how to fight and then I got a fucking, you know, I got some Marines sticking a boot up my ass. The smartest thing I ever did was not go into the fucking sunburn marches and my temper. It just wouldn't have worked well. Busted down to private again. Everybody, Josh Adam Myers, Marsh Adam Gires, however you talk about him, Josh Adam Myers has a wonderful podcast called the 500. And I did the latest episode on the Peter Wolf album, sleepless, which I absolutely fucking loved. Loved, absolutely loved. Do you know what I downloaded the other day? Let's talk some music here.

By the way, people have been sending me some music. I've been really liking some of this stuff. One of the things in particular, I was making my dinner the other night, eating healthy. Oh, Billy Blubberbelly is fucking coming down. You know what I mean? I still got to keep my shirt on no matter how skinny I get because I'm old. My shirt off days are over, right? But I am crushing a fucking t-shirt in about 10 days. I will crush a fucking t-shirt. And I will not subject the general public to anything more than that. All right. My wife has to see the whole fucking horror show, but that's her fault. Okay. She had a choice. She could have said, I don't, but she didn't. She said, I do. Huh?

Well, how did you say you, Jew? No, Mr. President. That is a never ending bit. Mr. President, how was your grandson? Is he getting bigger? Did you sm- Mr. President! What do you want from me, people? There's nothing in the news. I got nothing. There's nothing to talk about. So, anyway, last night, I watched the first half. I finally had time to do what I sat down, which is so funny. I can't believe how freaking busy I am. I'm finishing up this fucking script that I'm very excited about with a buddy of mine. And other than that, you know, I'm playing and watching with my daughter when she's not sleeping.

And when she sleeps, that's my time to fucking write, work out and play a little bit of drums. That's what I do. And then she gets up and then it's go time until like 8.39 and then she goes down for the night and then I am just done. I'm fucking wiped out, right? Oh, by the way, you don't make me feel fucking amazing being an old dad was that Norman Lear. Norman Lear was born in 1922 and had a kid, had twins in 1994, 72 years old. Those kids are going to be 26 years old this year and their dad is still alive. How awesome is that? Because you know there was a bunch of people. I can't believe it was out of kid that late in life. That's just a selfish fuck. 26. I'm still around, bitch. Still making TV shows.

Incredible. Cigar smoker too. Oh, I came close. I came close last night, last night when I put my lovely daughter to bed with my lovely wife. I put them both in, tucked them both in, stuck them in the same crib and I just walked out. I was so fucking tempted, even though I don't have any cigars, smokable ones anyways, in the house. I was so fucking tempted to go out of my back porch, right? Fucking light up a stogie, watch that game and just drink a whole bottle of bourbon. I wouldn't drink a whole bottle, I'd get half of it in me. But I didn't. I just watched it instead with headphones on in my bed. I miss them, man.

So, I only had one cigar in March. I had none in February and I quit on January 13th. So, I don't know. Last month I had a cigar March 3rd, my one cigar for the month. And I don't like doing it that early in the month, because then you're just like, fuck. Okay, geez, I got 28 days to go. Well, thank God for this pandemic because it was a big distraction. Selfish, sorry. Anyway, so I started watching this game and they were talking about this incredible, Kurt Gowdy was talking about, and of course, because the wonders of the internet, this is on the internet. You guys have to watch this if you're a football fan. Look up NFL 74, the championship chase.

And what is so great about it is you see all of these old stadiums where these people are playing and I'm trying to guess which ones they are. Some of them are old football stadiums, other than the multi-purpose like baseball stadium, football stadium thing, the cookie cutter ones. Obviously, the Eagles are playing in the vet, but like where the Redskins are playing in like RFK stadium, the Patriots are at Schaefer Stadium. And it's 1974 and you got us, you have to fucking see when they cut to the crowd. All right, I got to have Andrew Thamelis fucking post this. They cut to the fucking crowd. Okay, it's called the NFL 74, the championship chase. They cut to, first of all, there's this whole thing on Mac Herron.

All right. Where is it? Is that it right there? It's about fucking eight minutes in. What do we got here? Oh, there he is standing next to OJ Simpson. I don't know if this is the video because then I watched this whole video on Mac Herron or whatever. Basically, they cut to the crowd.

Oh, it's like five minutes in. They cut to the crowd. And you just look at the animals, the same Boston fans that there's always been. And there's a couple of shirts they say Boston Patriots because the Boston Patriots became the New England Patriots and I believe like 70 or 71. And it was because we didn't have enough fans. You know, we were this shitty AFL team and they just thought they called them the New England Patriots. People from Maine were going to fucking drive down. So anyway, we had a guy in the team called Mac Herron, M-A-C-K-H-E-R-R-O-N.

It almost looks like, you know, way old school black dudes called heroin. Herron, he on that Herron. It's Mac Herron. And he was five, five and a half. And he had like set a record for the most all-purpose yards in a season. He was like second to O.J. Simpson in his prime. O.J. in his prime, in yardages in the season or something like that. And then, you know, some, I don't know, he got a little involved with the, he partied a little too much.

I guess he had some big party at his house and invited a bunch of patriots over there. And he was already partying too much. So Chuck Fairbanks got rid of him. But it's an incredible video. Old uniforms and you just really see like, you just got to see some of the guys in the stands. You got to see this fucking Raiders fan. I mean, a hipster could like fucking study that guy's look for 10 years and could never capture it. It was just fucking amazing.

Giant fucking wallet in his tight ass jeans. You know, like the fucking washing machine wallet indent on the back of his pocket. Dirt bag, long hair, fucking smoke and a cigarette. Like nobody in the stands. If you look, nobody is wearing like a fucking hat. Like nobody in the stands. If you look, nobody is wearing like a fucking jersey. Dressed like they're playing in the fucking game.

Everybody's wearing like street clothes. I got to pause right now. I'm looking at a guy. He looks like fucking Gene Simmons with a mustache. And he has on like a leisure suit. Like he's an extra in the fucking Anchorman. And he's had a goddamn football game. It's just, it's an incredible time that came and went.

And then I also have to say, I have to admit the end zone celebrations were way more involved than I remembered. They still didn't celebrate after every fucking, you know, now they sell it. There's an end zone celebration after a five yard carry. But I saw the Philadelphia Eagles, the guy scored a touchdown. All of his teammates gathered around him and he shook the football and then rolled it like he was shooting craps and all the guys played along with it. And I was like, wow, I didn't know they did it. Hey, sweetheart. Hey, we got a guest.

Huh? Huh. You want to say hi? Just say, hey, welcome to the Monday morning podcast. Hello, welcome to the morning podcast. Morning podcast. Yeah. Yeah.

So what do you've been up? What do you, what do you make of this whole pandemic? We, we want to play candy lantern shoots and ladders. Oh, candy lantern shoots and ladders. All right. I have a few more minutes on the podcast and I can come down and play. All right. I'll talk to you.

Okay. Okay. Hi. How are you this morning? Good. What did you do this morning? We ate granola. You had granola and what else?

Um, and mom said no strawberries. Mom said no, so all the strawberries went bad. Yeah. The strawberries went bad. Okay. Is there anything else you need to report from downstairs in the kitchen? No. Okay.

Can you say goodbye everybody? Have a nice day. Okay. That's sweet. Okay. Honey, I'll see you in a few minutes. All right. You want to play candy land first?

Yes. And then shoots and ladder? Yes. All right. Cool. All right, buddy. I'll see you down there. Okay.

Daddy's going to say bad words. So you have to go downstairs. All right. Yeah. I had to knock it out here. Do you want it? Come on. Come on.

Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh. No, it's okay, buddy. It's okay. Oh, God. No, Jesus. Oh, God.

Dad said the wrong thing. Dad said the wrong things do die. All right. I'm going in the other room. Are you going to go downstairs? All right. I just, I forgot what day it was. Okay.

All right. That way it is. Awkwardness brought to you by the pandemic. Are you doing your podcast? You're doing your podcast? No, I'm talking to myself with a microphone and headphones. She knows I'm doing the podcast, but that you have to leave. What you have to do with a woman is you have to hear what they say and then, then decode

it and then realize what they're really saying. Okay. What she was saying is, oh, you're doing your podcast so you can't watch our daughter. I've been watching her for the last hour and I'm going insane. You selfish bald freckled cunt. That's what she's saying. Now she would never admit that that's what she's saying. Anyway, so I got, I have that to look forward to in the next 10 minutes.

Whatever. This is, I already know how to get out of that. You know what honey? You're right. I'm sorry. Done. Okay. All right.

If you guys, you know, if you want to expand your podcast horizon here, we have some wonderful podcasts on the all things comedy network. We have going deep with Chad and JT features Chad Kroger and JT par from Chad goes deep in the podcast. They will just, it said in the pod. I'm not saying that in the podcast, they will discuss major current events on our legends explore ongoing beefs. I like that topic right there and give advice to fans who have sent in questions.

New episode released every Wednesday for more of Chad goes deep. Check them out at www.chad goes deep.com. All right. Tiger belly with my favorite Bobby Lee Bobby Lee. And no, no, and this is definitely not exaggerating. A no holds barred arena for haves truths, social no-knows and animal behavior featuring comedian Bobby Lee and his best friend. Oh no.

K H A L Y L A. Kahlia la. Kahlia. Kahlia. Every Wednesday. All right. There you go. You know what he said?

Social no-knows. That made me miss baseball. He threw a no-no. He was flirting with the no-no. Stay right to you. Um, anyway, um, oh, me and Burke Chrysler recorded a little thing for the comedy gives back. Just this big, basically, they're putting together like a bunch of content for people bored at home.

And, um, Tom Popp is going to be hosting our segment, Jimmy Fallon, Adam Sandler, all kinds of big, big, big stars. And, um, speaking of big stars, you got to check out Burke Chrysler special. Hey, big boy on Netflix. All right. Come on. You know you want to. You know you want to the guy's fucking layers.

He doesn't wear a shirt. It's a pandemic. This is a perfect time for Burke Chrysler. Um, I love that guy. Uh, so anyway, when we're, I think we'll be doing, um, another episode of the Bill Burt podcast, I think next week. So that's what I got going on. Oh, Bill, did you wake up today?

Do your stretching routine, get your kid going, and then do your ridiculously hardcore ab workout hardcore for a 51 year old guy who hasn't done sit-ups a while. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. It's coming together. It's coming together. I just got to, I got to lose the blubber. I don't know how to lose it, man.

You know, getting, I always said getting abs one, two, three, and four easy and seven and eight are not that bad. It's fucking six. Wait. One, two, three, four, five and six. Oh, that's the one that separates the men from the boys. All right. That's not inclusive.

That's the one that separates the he's from the days. How do you mean that? That's the one that separates people that know how to diet and don't know how to diet. Thank you. See that? I worked it all out just in case some white chick didn't hear this fucking podcast. I just did her complaining for her. You know why?

Cause I'm a gentleman because I was raised right. Anyways, what do you think about that? What, what, what happened if they just, if they just get Obama out of retirement, get him out of retirement and say, Hey man, I know you're bored. You can't do the speech tour. You were so good at shooting at people while they were at weddings and picnics and shit. Can you fucking do this in a park? Come on.

They're still going to love you. They're still going to love you in Hollywood. Just, just do it. All right. Just fucking do it. You might even pick up a couple of red states. They're going to enjoy it. You're out here shooting liberals with a fucking drone.

No, forget, don't, don't get Obama in there. It's easy. Probably already has enough trouble sleeping at night. Let's get some rednecks from the red states. Right. You get them in one of those things. Okay. You fly the fucking drones and you fight.

Oh my God. What's going to, by the way, what is going to stop somebody from doing that in the future? You know, when you, when you, you get like the technology, like the level of shit that you can do right now, like the fact that you can go on and you can Skype with your parents in a different state or across the country or a, I don't know, a war criminal on the other side of the world. Hey buddy. Hey.

Oh, you like doing the podcast, don't you? Yeah. I put baby tonight. Oh, you did? You put your baby down for night night? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Check on her. Thanks for the update. You know, what is going to stop somebody in the future? You already have a drone. You already have Skype. So all they need to do is just get fucking Skype on a drone and then you just, you just get some fucking, you know, some mini anti-aircraft weaponry on it. I want to see what one of these fucking thing looks like.

Let me see. Like how big, you know, is it too big that you can't build it in your garage? This is really irresponsible to bring this up, right? Oh, anyway, it's a fucking pandemic. Arm drone. Arm drones for sale. Why did I just click on that? Oh my God, what watch list am I going to get on?

This is going to be a really weird one. 74 NFL highlights. Oh, they look like little planes. Is there a price? Request a quote. I'm getting the fuck out of here. Wow. Who is China targeting with its armed drone sales?

China is cashing in on the demand for armed drones according to a new department defense. China was the fifth largest. Oh my God, dude, it is just, it is. Oh my God, they shoot like fucking missiles. Look at that thing. That thing is gigantic. Oh, you couldn't put that in yet. That's what stops you.

They're too fucking big. Everybody would be watching you build it. Hey, man, I noticed you got a little project going on in your backyard. What's up with that? Why don't you mind your own fucking business? Shit. My favorite line, Will Ferrell ever said, is when he repleted it. Shit.

China, okay. China is the fifth largest armed supplier in the world between 2012 and 2016. The report titled assessment on U.S. defense implication of China's expanding global access. Said the Chinese completed more than 20 million in sales with the country's second largest arms sales going to the Middle East and North Africa. Gee, where did they learn this game? I wonder who they learned this game from. Likely due to the demand for armed, unmanned aerial vehicles.

The report dated December, 2018, but made available January 14th is mandated by law. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. Yep. See, that's what it is. Violets against violets. All right. I'm telling you, you just pull out of there.

You pull out of there. You bring everybody home. We get some solar panels and some sandals, man. We grow fucking the best weed in the world. We export it. We get the whole world high. They forget about all the things that the upper 1% did that you and I didn't do. You know, look how clean the fucking air is without all these goddamn planes flying around

and fucking people driving around. Everybody embraces video technology. You fucking, you have meetings via video only. Wouldn't it be amazing if they made it illegal to travel to the other side of the world for a fucking meeting? Hey, shithead. That's what we have video conferencing for. Why the fuck would you get in a fucking tube? His dice clay calls it.

You're in a fucking tube. Remember that when you were talking about smoking on the plane? Not one of my favorite jokes. Get in a fucking tube with your fucking suit folded in half and fly for the better part of the day to sit down and be like, do I shake hands? Do I bow out where the river broke? Like, what the fuck do I do in this country, right? Well, you could just fucking do it and put your suit on at three in the morning

and talk to them at two in the afternoon and go there and try and close the fucking deal. You know? Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cyrillus along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite, tip-less size. Shop Cyrillus in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cyrillus.com.

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All right? This is going to solve Middle East... So far, this is my jump-off point for solving global warming, the Middle East, and sciatic nerve issues in men over the age of 40. All right? We pull out of the Middle East. Well, first thing we do is we build up all our solar panels, you know, and electric cars, solar farms, and all of that shit.

All of those people are drilling for oil. Just build a solar fucking farm. All the oil companies that don't want to fucking give up their control of energy with oil, you just give them the sun. And then we all get solar panels, and then we just have to pay them for the sun. And the great thing is, is when the sun burns out, we're all dead, so they're guaranteed life, money, as long as the human race is here. You can't guarantee that with oil.

All right? So we get the fuck out of there. All right? Then there'll be a scramble for power over there, so all these people that fucking hate us will not have time to be thinking about us anymore. We'll get the fuck out of there. They'll go back to their thousands of years of fucking hating each other. All right?

Then, well, what's going to pay for all of the fucking solar panels? Okay, this is what you do. You get, we start growing fucking weed here better than anybody else in the fucking world. Like Cuba is to cigars, America becomes for weed. We get the whole world high. They love us for that. We bring all the fucking troops home. We still have nuclear weapons.

You're going to, yeah, we'll give you the old right there, Fred. We did it twice in Japan. You know what, we got a fucking itchy trigger for nobody's going to fuck with us. All right? And plus at that point, if we kind of just gave up the whole fucking war economy type of shit, and we just got everybody high, it's, hey, man, I like these guys. They like fucking groovy, man. They used to be cunts now that kind of fucking groovy, right?

So you do that, and then everybody embraces the video conferencing. You know? More people work from home. Go back down to one car. People get electric cars. People aren't flying as much. All these pilots and shit that are going to lose their job. You just have them.

You give them a fucking, what was it? 48? Because in a mule, you give them 40 bushels of weed and a fucking Tesla. I don't have it all worked out. And then somewhere in the middle of that, we get in business with those Blackwater guys, right? And then what we give them is we give them like just a ridiculous, we give them like the A-Rod contract that he got when he went with the fucking Texas Rangers. And we give them that money to go take out the Federal Reserve.

And then they go up there. They take those guys out and all this shit, all this fucking money that we owe those cunts no more. We don't owe it anymore. The other companies now own the sun. They're fucking dancing like they're at Woodstock, you know? Doing whatever the fuck they want to do because they have money for fucking life. Everything's fucking great. Middle East, they're solving their own fucking issues.

We're over here doing what the fuck we do. People are thinking of flying drones over here. Why the fuck do we do that? They're not fucking with anything. They're not running anything. Fine. It's all fucking good. It's all good.

How about that? What if everybody embraced that? Oh, wow, we're talking about utopia. Then the next war would be who fucking would be about weed. Jesus Christ. Maybe the solution is the New World Order. One country. You all have to do what 10 people say.

I don't fucking know. It always unravels. But I like to think somewhere in there there was less war and cleaner air. Hey, man, I've just been living in LA too long. Don't listen to me, man. Check out the 74 championship, whatever the fuck I said it was. Just watch that. NFL 74, the championship chase.

Oh, that's a great one. People have been sending me music. I was listening to somebody said, check out animals as leaders. I have to tell you, at first I was just like, Jesus Christ, dude. Enough with the notes. Everybody's playing too much. Then after a while, I kind of fucking got into it. And I was sitting there and I was cooking.

And I was listening to this shit that would make Steve Vibe be like, God damn. These guys are bringing it, right? And I really fucking liked it. So thank you. Okay, let's do it. There's a new segment. Latest downloads. Music.

Music downloads. I downloaded soul to soul. Club classics. I wanted the original fucking album. Just like a fucking club classics, volume something or other. The one that has keep on moving, don't stop. It has fair play, holding on, all of that shit. You know what I hate about all this classic albums is when they try to get you to buy it

by adding, like you go to download it. And rather than just having the original eight to 10 songs, there's now like 26 tracks. Yeah, I don't give a shit about your live fucking keep on moving in Oklahoma City and fucking 1991. I don't give a fuck. I just want to hear the original shit. All right. So that's what I'm doing. So that's it.

Everybody hang in there. I guess we're going to ride this thing out till the end of April, possibly the beginning of June, which is great for baseball, even though they lose a bunch of money. The regular season can finally count for something, you know. This has got to be like a great and a bad thing for athletes. The one great thing is they get to heal up, you know, some of them, but then like the older ones, like I worry about Brady, Zidane O'Chara, some of the guys who've been around for a while, Adam Vinitieri. Do you know, I was looking up the NFL record for longest NFL careers, 26 seasons by George Blanday,

played from 1949 until 1975, something like that. And Tom Brady is in his 20th season, going to be his 21st season, actually at a position where you actually get hit. Because most of the people that are like, you know, Morton Anderson and guys like that came close to George Blanday's record. But Adam Vinitieri has been in the league since 1995. And right now he is a free agent. And so I think I want to say if he came in in 95 to 2019, his 25 seasons, 24 years, 25 seasons, this would be the 26th season. Somebody's got to pick the guy up so he ties that record. I mean, that's fucking incredible, right? Anyway, he'll probably still have to fucking wait a couple of times to make it into the Hall of Fame.

And that's a first ballot Hall of Fame kicker, speaking of which, you know, is the first ballot Hall of Fame kicker in that you can watch on the Oakland Raiders is Ray Guy. All right, that's it. That is the podcast. Enjoy the music. And now we have a very special, greatest hits. Monday, no Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from either two to five. I don't know how it works years ago. And the music that you're going to be hearing is from the great Andrew Thamelis, who has great taste in music. So don't give me any credit. He picks the music. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend. Hang in there. Eat well. Do your sit ups. Do your steps around your apartment or up and down the steps in your house.

Don't let it beat you, man. You're stronger than this. All right, I believe in you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 2nd. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 2nd, 2012. How's it going? I almost said 2011. Isn't that crazy four months then? I just did some dumb shit. I just got up off the couch and I had to close the window because I'm in New York City right now. Sitting on a couch that I used to own that I sold to Joey Roses. You know, I don't know what the fuck he did to this fucking thing. It's a leather couch. You know, the kind of couch that a single man buys.

A leather couch. Easy to clean up if you know what I mean. All right, I don't know what the fuck he did to this thing, but I'll tell you right now. I'm glad I don't own it anymore because the leather has lost its luster. I asked him, I'm like, what the fuck did you do to the goddamn couch? What is this stuff on it? He's like, oh, you know, I guess I sleep in here sometimes in my back sweats. It's fucking disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. Joe DeRosa back sweat. There's an album title for you, huh?

The couch is ruined. Thank God I don't own it anymore. Anyways, I'm here in New York City and, you know, I'm back here in New York City where all the real people are, right? That's what I've heard since ever since I moved out to LA that this is where all the real people live. You know, I just don't like LA, man. It's just so plastic and phony. Oh, yeah, post all those honest guys down there on Wall Street. Everybody tells you like it is. Tells you like it is in New York City. I just saw this douchebag. No, I wasn't looking in the mirror. He had on the tightest fucking jeans ever yet they were still sagging in the ass.

And I swear to God, you know, they look like those. What are those things called? Sheens, teens, tights and jeans, shingles. What the fuck did they call those things? That's what they look like, but they were actually real jeans. That this fucking idiot. That's like one of those people, right? And then he gets the shit kicked out of them. And then then what you're supposed to feel bad human being to human being. Yes, you feel bad, but you know, there is a such thing as asking for it.

Fucking sit there and jam your goddamn man legs into those fucking things and then walk around with your droopy ass and just think it's, you know, son, what did what did you think was going to happen if I ever had a kid and he and he's wearing please beat the shit out of me clothes. I mean, I was going to be so fucking hard when he comes home with the shit kicked out of him. I understand son, I understand it hurts, but you know, what, what did you think was going to happen? You know, why don't you just wear an itchy turtle neck sweater? And I know what you're thinking out there listening right now. You probably thinking, well, why can't somebody wear tight jeans that are droopy in the ass? You can wear them.

All right, you just got to realize we don't live in a utopia. You know, I'm not saying I would do it. I don't do things like that. I just think about doing them. Like when I was on the plane right out here, this woman was talking so loud two rows in front of me and she was in the aisle. And I was two rows back on the opposite side aisle and I just wanted to punch her in the mouth like through the right behind her ear, you know, and just have my fist come like right through her mouth, you know, pushing her voice box and tongue right through the back of her teeth. It's a violent thought.

I realize it, you know, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to talk about. I'm like a lot of you guys. I did a bunch of shows this weekend and I boozed until like two 30 in the morning with Paul Verzi, New Jersey's own Paul Verzi, sometimes a Jets fan, sometimes a giant fan. You know, now I'm hanging in New York with the sensation, Joe DeRosa, you know, who's dressing very dapper lately. I got to give it to him. He's dressing very fucking dapper. Oh, this is one of these goddamn shows.

You know what, guys, can I just can I just erase this and start over again? You know what the problem is? This is this is one that I would stop and start over again. I just don't have the fucking time. You know, I got to go to the fucking airport, sit next to a bunch of cunts. Everybody's a cunt but me in the world. I don't know what it is. Why can't people be more like me?

Dude, is it me? It was Lady Gaga. She looks like she's like some 60 year old woman from Eastern Europe. Doesn't she? Like she chopped firewood her whole life. That's what her face looks like to me. You know, I always wondered why she wore all those masks and then one day she was not masked and I was like, oh, I get it now. It's not an artistic statement.

She was like a bird that hit somebody's windshield going like 30 miles an hour. Okay, that's just fucking mean. I don't know. I don't want to be this guy. Am I going to be the mean guy? Two weeks in a row. A little fervor last week. Last week I stirred up, you know, got a little buzz on the internet.

People were all upset because I made fun of Bob Dylan and male breast cancer. People got really upset by that and I can understand that. You know, anything else you got upset by, I don't understand. But those two things, I really understand why you got upset by them. I played a couple of old theaters. I was in Wilmington, Delaware. You know, supporting Joe DeRosa by going on after him doing an hour. And Wilmington, Delaware is yet another wonderful fucking city.

Beautiful buildings right along the water, right? It's got everything going for it, but it's one of those cities that at 5 p.m. everybody just gets the fuck out of dodge. And all the restaurants close, you know, and then, you know what happens? You like checking the hotel and it's all fucking regular people walking around. And then you go upstairs, right? You eat a little sandwich or something like that. You come down to get dinner. The whole fucking, the whole city's like, there's nobody there.

Like the second shift of people, all these zombies start limping down the goddamn street. And you're like, where the fuck did everyone go? Ah, no, is this, is it one of these cities? That's what I ask people whenever I go to those cities, they go, all right, what happened? Because you can see in the architecture at one point, it was, it was a, it was a wonderful city. You know, things were made there. Money was made. Women were fucked.

Food was eaten, right? Sun was watched rising and setting. Everybody stayed there and now everybody fucks up. So I, it's always one of three things. Either the factory shut down. There was a race riot. Or, or there was the flood of 19, whatever, and they never fucking recovered. Those are the three things that take out of fucking city.

You know, it was up in Troy, New York, same goddamn thing. Beautiful fucking buildings. You could see it. This place used to be the place to go. You know, I don't know, back in 1930. Where you taking her? I'm taking her to Troy, New York. God, Jesus, you're going to get laid tonight.

Troy, right? It's fucking beautiful. Then I come by, what, 80 years later, fucking party's over. These beautiful buildings all boarded up. No one can find the fucking theater. And there's just that one old theater and I'm performing there, right? People always tell you that it's haunted. Like you're supposed to be nervous.

You know, I'm not a big fan of ghosts. I don't respect them. Kind of like soccer. I feel the same way about soccer as I do about ghosts. You know, I just don't respect the game. Both of them are played by bitches. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just fucking sitting here sweating on this fucking couch.

No wonder goddamn thing looks so bad. Oh, God, what can I do here? I'm eight minutes in, everybody. This is, you know, this is like when you guys come in hungover for work, right? You just wait for the roach coach to show up at 10.15. Like what the fuck is going on with my life? How did I choose this? Why am I fucking her?

You know, you know, I got to clear something up. Some guy wrote into me this week. See if I got here. This guy said, Jesus, what are you doing? I got this stupid fucking iPad from Nia. These fucking things. Now, how do I get rid of this thing? Can I go over this way?

No, I can't. That sense. All right, here we go. Is this right? Is this how I do it? Steve Jobs, you fucking cunt. All right, Steve Jobs is the worst. Thank God he's gone with his stupid fucking inventions every three days.

I got the new thing. Now you don't. Here's the next thing. All right, really gay question. Bill, I'm a gay guy and a fan who has never has, never has any problem downloading your podcast. Wow, Jesus Christ. I'd send you a free fucking DVD.

If you gave me a fucking address. How many of you cunts who just can't? What's with the podcast? I can't download it. What is with you? It's not me. My website is fine. It's never crashed.

Anyways, you say I mentioned that because in the comments every week, your listeners seem to think there is some correlation between not being able to download it and being a fag. First, this, they're actually quoting one of my jokes. If you haven't seen the joke, okay, if you think I have a bunch of homophobes, I did this bit called what are you a fag? And it had to do with, it was actually anti homophobia.

Although some gay people, the second they hear fag, they stand up and yell homophobe and run out of the room. I call that story Seattle. Anyways, first, this email isn't meant at all to get you to censor or to be PC. I like your stuff a lot. Your point of view is hilariously balls out and usually different from the same old comedy cliches.

But I'm curious, with all the hundreds of things you and your listeners identify as gay, do you really still think most gay guys are the old stereotypes on most sitcoms and in Leno's monologue jokes? Oh, Jesus. You going to talk down to me, sir? Is that what it is? Is that what you're going to do here?

Yeah, I think that. I think you all go like, the food is here. Don't you guys sing everything easy? Really? Really? Of course I don't think that. It's just funny. And not to mention, when we say stuff is gay,

it has nothing to do with homosexuality. Okay, when you say, you know, you like this lamp? No, it's fucking gay. Why is it gay? Look at it. It's just, it's gay. Alright, it just means it's lame. You know what it is?

It just gives you that, you know, anything that gives you that feeling of, it's not love. I don't know what it is. What? You know, I don't even know what the word is. What is that fucking word when you're just, you know, when you just sit in there,

your girl, like you take a night off from work and you're sitting there with your girl and she, you know, and she, you know, you rent a video, whatever the fuck you do now, snap your fingers and it appears in your TV. I'm so fucking far behind. I can't even use an iPad. I don't know.

I don't know what your kids do nowadays. Back in the door, you went to a, you went to a fucking video store. Alright? And pretended to want to watch a fucking romantic comedy when you really wanted to walk through those saloon doors and look at the porno. Right?

That fucking feeling when you come home and you're sitting there and you've made some food and your girl gets all excited and is like, you know, it's just us, you know, just us just enjoying each other. Whatever that fucking feeling is, that's gay. Okay? But I don't know what to call that fucking feeling.

To me, that's gay. Alright? Not even once in a while, I'll look like a fucking chair or a lamp or someone asked me to do something and I get that same feeling, like that's fucking gay. I don't want to do it.

There's nothing to do with gay people. Alright? So don't get sensitive on me, sir. I know you're not. I know this person's not being addicted. So anyways, he says, do you guys think we're all the gay guys and the old stereotypes of the sitcoms

or in Leno's monologues? Is it because the ladies make you watch Doprah and the view, the view hags who just love having gay guy girlfriends because they love emasculating men any frigging way they can? Oh, I get this guy. This guy's a bear.

He's one of those gay guys. You know, the kind of guy you're hanging out with in the construction site and somebody picks on you, right? And this guy comes to your rescue, fucking turns them all into a pretzel. You know? You're like, Jesus Christ, that's a fucking guy's guy. And then all of a sudden he just sits down

and just something about the way he's crossing his legs. You're like, what the fuck is with this dude? Alright? And then one day he just says, listen, I got something to tell you. I see what you're saying. I get it. That's like me being a German-Irish guy

like we're not all Nazis and drunks. But, you know, if you put on the History Channel or if you go on a St. Patrick's Patty's Day, you know? Sir, you're defined by the worst of your group, unfortunately. That's kind of how it works. But no, I don't obviously don't think people are like that. I saw Will and Grace. Then they have both ends of the spectrum.

Will was sort of like, you know, just a regular guy. And then the other guy was just like, oh my god, right? Singing my lines. No, I thought that guy was actually good, right? Why do I answer these fucking questions? You know, all it does is just expose how fucking stupid I am.

So anyways, he says, so do you still think after seeing the gay soldiers in the news and the boring normal gay marriage activists, dude, I don't think that. Nobody thinks that. Actually, some people think that. No, I don't think that. Alright?

Are the only gay guys? Well, I'm just going to keep reading the rest of this for whatever fucking reason. Are the only gay guys who have been out to you, out to you really just hairdressers and interior decorators? Sir, how many examples are you going to give me? Alright. Okay, I'm done with that. No, I don't think they're all like that.

Alright, so this is what I'll tell you. Yeah, I understand that some of you guys look like Mike Ditka and act like Mike Ditka, yet, you know, don't like Mike Ditka for the same reasons I do. I understand that, sir. I think a lot more people do understand that. You know, yeah, there's all kinds of stereotypes out there. Alright?

Looking for the red-headed male, you know? You think I don't want to be a fucking, you know, star in an action movie and be the guy who knows every type of karate and kick the shit out of people and shoot the gun. Do you think they're ever going to give that role to a fucking freckled-faced, pasty, red-headed jackass like me? They're not.

Alright? Who am I going to be? I'm going to be the guy who needs to be rescued or the guy who's good with computers. Alright? We all got a fucking extra grind, sir. Alright, so maybe you were just checking in. Maybe you were just making sure.

You know, I didn't even get his joke, a really gay question. Like, I'm going to say that question was gay. You see what he's doing? He was like mocking me and showing his sense of humor at the same time. You see that? He was testing my intelligence while flirting. I had a gay question last week.

I said, what do you call a group of gay men? This gay guy says, evidently, they're called a giggle. A group of gay men are called a giggle. No, they're not. There's no fucking way all gay guys call a group of gay men giggles. You know who call that douchebags who happen to be gay? I'm sure that they say that. A giggle.

Go fucking blow someone. I swear to God, if I was ever to have the charisma of a mass murderer, that's who I would kill douchebags. All groups would be allowed to stay around. But you would have to prove to me that you weren't a douchebag. And if you were, then who would you make fun of? Gay men age well because they don't have to deal with women. That was another question I had from last week.

If you guys are wondering, this podcast sucks. It's like fucking 900 degrees. My old fucking apartment, I swear to God, it just... Did I look at it during the winter? I don't know what the fuck it was. Remember the guy showing it to me going, you know, that's all kinds of light, a lot of sunlight? It's fucking killing me here. Hey, how about a little bit of advertising at this point, everybody?

Would you like to hear some advertising? Sure, we all would. Stamps.com. Hey, everybody. Once again, it's time for me to read the Stamps.com. I try to make this entertaining every week, everybody. I'm running out of ways to talk about how to get the post office into your fucking apartment. All right? I've been talking about this for weeks at this point.

And if you haven't signed up, I don't know what your problem is. Yeah, what do you like to punish yourself? You like that guy in that movie about the Bible who took that thing and was slapping himself on the back with it with the spikes? Remember that guy flogging himself? That's when I tapped out of that movie. The second I saw that guy doing that, it's like, there's no way somebody's doing that. You know, what kind of a douchebag is working for somebody else and beating the shit out of themselves? Well, I guess those Japanese guys do that, don't they?

They fuck up, they cut their finger off. Those guys in the Japanese mafia. You know? Just knowing that that's something that could possibly happen, considering I'm a total fuck up. Why would you ever join that? Yeah, let's say you want to join this group. You know, you get nice clothes, nice cars, but if you fuck up, you got to cut your own finger off. Hey, you know what?

That flashy guy, why don't you go fuck yourself? How about that? Why don't you go out and go kill somebody? What happens when you fuck up there, their kingpin? What do you cut off? Do you cut off anything? You fat fuck? Why don't you have another pork chop?

I thought you guys were supposed to be in shape. You like that? That was my little fantasy interview to get into the Yakuza, whatever the fuck it's called over there. Stamps.com, everybody. It's important to look professional to your clients, customers, and partners. This is the intro they give me? Who doesn't know that? Oh, I thought it was important to look unprofessional.

Evidently, people, when you're in business, you want to look good. Look, let's just get down to brass tacks here, all right? Nobody likes going to the post office. You dread it. It is one step above going to the DMV. All right? You're going to walk in there. It's just going to be a C of a word that I can't use when I'm doing an advertisement.

All right? It begins with C and ends with unt. It's important to look professional. Placing regular stamps in your letters and packages won't do the trick and leasing a postage meter is just too expensive. Take my advice. Use stamps.com instead. Yeah, why do you want to lease? Why do you want to lease a postage meter?

You know? Once again, you're serving somebody else. Fuck those guys who lease their meters. Keep your fucking meters. This stamps.com, you know what they do? They give you a scale. Plus $110 bonus, which includes the digital scale and $55 worth of free postage. All right?

Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Dude, I've been talking about this for weeks. You can mail stuff in the middle of the night or at least get it prepared to, you know? After you went to some sort of free porn site, you're like, oh, wait a minute. I have a letter to mail. I have a package to weigh. You got a little scale.

It's fun. You know what you feel like? You feel like you're in kindergarten. You're playing post office, you know, except it's real, you know? Kind of like if you were playing metal of honor and all of a sudden you joined the military, right? You're like, oh my God, this is what first person looks like. This is the post office version of whatever example I just gave.

I can't even remember them. So get some fucking heat stroke here. Anyways, you go to stamps.com. You click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R. That's stamps.com. Enter Burr, B-U-R-R. You get $55 of free postage and $110 bonus offer, which includes the $55 in the digital scale. All right, there we go.

I got it out of the way, everybody. How was that? That wasn't a bad read, was it? This is one of these weeks where I'm just going to have to read everything. Maybe this will spawn something funny. Look at me out of breath. That's when you know you're bombing on your own podcast, you know? Hey Bill, this is entitled, Afraid to Break Up with Girlfriend.

I'm going to read slow so this takes up as much time as possible. Hey Bill, I'd like to get your advice on something. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now and I've been thinking about breaking up with her. Well, it's time to break up with her, sir. All right? Been dating her for a year, you know? If you're thinking about breaking it, it's time. Okay?

He says, we get along fine and we rarely argue. I was just thinking of a great way, a great way to break up with someone. They should invent like a breakup suit, right? Just something where you just cannot get injured and you just put the thing on with the fucking helmet. You don't wear the helmet. You just put the ones he zip up on, which totally protects everything, right? And then you get in the passenger seat and you let her drive. Now, why are you going to let me drive?

You just drive tonight, but you always like to drive. Honey, you just drive. Okay, why are you wearing that suit? It's all going to make sense in about five miles, right? You get out on the fucking highway and you just start talking to her. Out of no way, you just put the helmet on. You know, and she says, what are you doing? And just say, listen, I don't want to go out with you anymore.

And then she goes, what? And you go, hey, watch this. And you just open the door and you roll out of the fucking car. That's it. You're out. You know, type up a fake police report. You tell them that you died. Then she feels bad for you.

You don't have to deal with any sort of repercussions. Um, anyways, he says, we get along fine and we rarely argue, but I'm starting to realize I don't really want to be with her for the long haul. And we started dating this fucking thing. These, these iPad suck, by the way. All right. You know what an iPad is? It's, it's a fucking laptop for pussies.

What's the matter? Your laptop is too heavy. Your fucking douchebag. This thing doesn't have a keyboard. It's got nothing. You think that they don't know how to make this thing into a fucking laptop already? Of course they do. This is the Steve Jobs way of doing things.

Rather than just giving you the whole fucking thing, he's going to give you 10 increments like a goddamn drug dealer. You know, that's why I haven't bought one of these yet. This is Nias, by the way. Borrowed this fucking thing. And I am not enjoying it as you can tell as I'm throwing a temper tantrum here. You know, when I'm going to buy a fucking iPad, I'm going to buy it when it is a laptop, when it is a little light laptop.

Until then, I'm not, I'm not having this fucking, this, this is like a, this is like when you, you know, you go, I, you know, I really want to get the new Camaro and then you get the one with the V six engine rather than getting the full out one with the stick shift, which is a laptop, right? It's too heavy. You know, fucking work, do, do shoulders at the gym. Next time you do that. Okay.

Maybe do that. Maybe you do some stuff to build up your wrist. Oh God, Bill, can you get through the question? All right, I will. He says, when we first started dating, I loved hanging out with her, but I'm just not into her anymore. Does that make me an asshole? No, it doesn't.

Why would your own true feelings make you an asshole, sir? How awful were your parents? He says, I'm 23 years old with a somewhat. I'm, I, you know, something really being a cunt this week. This guy's asking for my advice. Let's, let's try to bring the anger down, Bill. You're frustrated. It's fucking hot in here.

You can't open the window because you say cunt too much. This building's a co-op and they'll kick you out. Okay. That's what's going on here. It has nothing to do with this person. Okay. It's once you just try to be a nice guy. So I should have done off the mic like I'm scolding myself.

Just try to be a nice guy. Let's not take out your bad day on everyone else. Okay. You're embarrassing me. All right. I'm 23 years old with somewhat of a decent job and really just want to go back to being single for a while. Exactly.

Dude, you're 23 years old. Dude, you're a fucking movie star at that age. I don't care what you're doing for a living. You should definitely be single. I said the problem is she's got a lot, she's got a lot of stress in her life right now. Not your problem. She's finishing nursing school and trying to find a job. All right.

We'll tell her to put on the outfit, bang her one more time and hey, watch this. You bail out of the car. That's mean. Anyways, he says, oh, and she has a history of depression over the past year. I feel like she's becoming emotionally dependent on me like I'm keeping her going or something. Well, Jesus Christ, no wonder you want to get rid of her. You don't want this. You know, you want something that's going to be fun to be around.

You don't want her, you know, it's sunny out. It's raining out the fucking head under the pillow. One of these days, you know, you stay with that long enough. One of these days you're just going to, he's going to smother with that pillow. So anyways, so how do I go about breaking up with her while causing the least amount of damage? He said, also, she always leaves some of her shit in my apartment. Yes, because she's, she wants to fucking. Oh, yeah, she's clinging on to you.

He says, clothes, blanket, other random shit. I try to get her to take her shit home with her. But how do I avoid after the after breakup coming over to get my stuff? I hate that. Anyway, go fuck yourself. All right, look, there's no way there's no easy way to break up with somebody. All right, there's just easier ways. The sooner, the better.

Oh, I know, dude, this is like dismantling a bomb. So you know what you would like to do is say, hey, can you come by today? I want to talk to you about something, right? And she'll be right over and then immediately just take out a box, put all of her shit in it, tape it up, and then she rings the bell. Bing bomb, you open the door, you go, yeah, don't want to date you anymore. And you just handed the box and closed the door, right? Dude, there's money to be made in this man. Does anybody have a professional breakup service?

That's such a pussy thing to do, but that would be phenomenal. You know, you feel, you make your person feel like they got fired. You know, like when a corporation fires you and just two security people show up, you know, confiscate your computer and then escort you out of the building. Wouldn't that be great? Dude, that's what you should do. Just hire two of your friends to dress up like security guards. Tell her you want to break up, you know, and then they have all her shit in the box and then they escort her right out of your apartment building. Like she got fired and come off as professional rather than like personal.

How do you go about breaking up with it? You know what I would do? I wouldn't put all the shit in the box because that's going to come off cold, you know, and you don't want to hurt her face. You don't want to hurt her feelings like that. So I would just, uh, oh, fuck it. I don't know. I don't know how to do it. Why did I drink last night and then I got up and did open Anthony.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I knew I had a podcast to do. You embarrassing. Um, I don't, I don't fucking know. Just have a come over and just say, listen, um, I'm not happy. Oh, that's a great one. That's a classic. You know, like if you were a singer, songwriter, the second you said that the whole crowd would start applauding, recognizing the big hit.

You know, of all the girls I do before, you know, they all start fucking clapping. You know, if they just came out, you just did classic breakup monologues. Listen, I'm just not happy. Everyone just that smattering of applause. You wait for it to die down. Let the orchestra come around again. She jumped back in on the one. Um, man, just tell you not happy.

I'm not happy anymore. And dude, let me tell you something. Her being depressed is not your fucking problem. All right. Her being depressed is the fucking problem. How can you do this to me? What do you mean? How can I do this to you?

You don't want to be worse if I fucking stayed with you and I didn't love you. I don't love you anymore. I don't love you depressed whore. I just called you a whore as a generic term. You know, I don't, I'm not happy. I want out. Okay. I just feel like I want to be single right now.

I just don't feel like I'm going to be with you in the long haul. Uh, would just be wasting each other's time. My time is important and so is yours. All right. I don't want to go anymore, but I'll tell you what, if you go to stamps.com, they'll give you $55 free stamps on a scale. That's what you do. Just tag every mean thing you say with all the advertising.

You know, if you go to Amazon.com through bill burr's website, you know, click on the little Amazon banner, whatever you buy, you know, portion of that money goes back to bill Burr and then the percentage of that goes to the wounded warriors project. So I know I'm breaking up with you right now, but you could, we could also support the troops. Right. Sir, look, there's no fucking easy way to do this and you're going to be sitting there.

How many more holidays? How many more birthdays? How many more Christmases, which is a holiday? Sorry. You always need three examples. Do you want to go through with this person? How many more times do you want to go out and rent bikes, go to a picnic, sit there on a sunny day?

Is she sitting there with that cloud over her fucking head? You know, dude, you know, don't do that to yourself. You want to fucking people who are just wonderful human beings and they just end up with assholes. I swear to God, assholes, they look for wonderful human beings because other assholes are not going to put up with them. You know, so you need to be an asshole here. And you know, the, the, how society looks as an asshole, like you're being selfish, not being selfish.

All right. Choose yourself. Choose your own fucking life. Dump her and get on with your life. You know, this is what you do. You get yourself a six, a fucking pale ale or whatever beer you like. You stick a couple of glasses in the fucking freezer. All right.

Like anticipation of this championship that you know you're going to win. You know, like they did in the Red Sox dugout when they had the champagne on ice in game six and 1986 before they had to quickly wheel it out. Okay. Except you're not going to let this one go through your legs, sir. You're kicking this one right in the cunt and you're taking home the fucking championship. And when it's over, all you got to be just thinking about those frosty fucking bruise in the fridge.

Just think about that. Just look at the clock when she walks in. All right. Let's say she comes in at 10 past two. Just say to yourself, worst case scenario by three fucking 30. I'm going to be sitting down on this fucking couch. All right. With my goddamn phone off, drinking a couple of five or six of these things.

And then that's it. All right. And then don't fucking have a post break up sex. Don't do that. Cause then she'll think that you're back together again. Fuck all of that. All right. Well, I just got to come back and get my stuff.

Okay. When do you want to come by? This is coming off really cold. She's going to do all of that and just try to keep dragging you back into the fucking thing. Um, I don't know if this is a punk thing to do, but after you break up with it, just don't answer the phone when she calls. And then she'll finally just say, listen, I got a, I got to come by and get my stuff.

Can you text her back? Ah, fuck it. Just be a man. What is she going to do? Body slam you? She's just going to make you feel bad. All right. Why did you break up with me?

Is it because I don't blow you enough? No, it's because you're a mopey. You're sucking the life out of me. You know, when you get that sad look on your face, you look like a muppet. There. I said it. All right. There's your shit over there in the corner.

I got a couple of cool ones in the fridge. So why don't you do me a favor? All right. Get over there. Bend down. Lift with your knees. Get your shit and get the fuck out of here. What do you say that toots?

Your Prince Charming is out there somewhere. You know, and ain't here. I'm not riding that horse anymore. Okay. I just shot it in the back of the head. It's over. Okay. So why don't you trudge on out of here there fucking Cinderella?

Go look at a mirror. Go climb up in the tower and fucking drop your hair out. Whatever the fuck you're supposed to do. Kiss a frog. All right. I got drinking to do. But I beat it. Something like that.

Like I said, all that bullshit. I said 10 past two. It's over by 330. By 330 you're boozing. All right. No, they're fucking brutal. Breaking up with somebody's brutal. Not as brutal as the awfulness of this fucking podcast.

But other than that, Jesus fucking Christ. This is the longest. You know, it kills me is at the end of all this horrible fucking podcast. I then have to get into a fucking rental car and I have to drive my ass out to the goddamn airport to yet again fly across this goddamn country. This is the worst flight. You know, the only flight worse than flying across this country is the flight that crashes. And I got to admit, I'm not even going to say that doesn't fucking jinxing my flight.

Can you imagine that if I don't care if this one does and then it did. Can you imagine that? And then everybody on TV, he said he didn't care if his plane crashed. Coming up next, the story of a comedian who prayed that his plane crashed and he took 250 innocent people with him. Janice, do you have the story? Yeah, well, it appears he was doing a podcast and he had a problem with the heat in the apartment, which then led to him talking about his flight.

It was during that. Sorry, we lost your cunt. You took too long to get to the point as usual. That's why you're still out in the field. And you guys see that they're going to do anchorman too. I'm not the only person other person who's excited as hell about that. Ron Burgundy is coming back. The man who started it all.

Um, anyways, here we go. A representative from Massachusetts in Colorado. Here's a wonderful story. Everybody. Hey there, Bill. Just wanted to tell you about Jesus. Hey, hey there, Bill. Just wanted to tell about how you, how you one of your fellow, you fucking cunts.

Can you, can you, I swear to God, you guys do this on purpose. You know, I suck at reading out loud and then just wanted to tell you, which one to tell about how you one of your fellow Massachusetts people, which word do I take out there, sir? Just wanted to tell, to tell about how one of your fellow Massachusetts scenes, Ian's has been tormenting the shopping area where my bar is located. My blah. Um, this all takes place in Denver, by the way. Um, the Massachusetts is Ian's his first, what do they call people from Massachusetts?

I just paused to wait for all the more. Mass holes. High five over cubicle wall. Um, this all takes place in Denver, by the way. His first appearance was about a week ago when he stumbled into the bar where I worked and asked me where he was. I said the name of the bar and he said, no, what state cunt. Jesus.

He goes, I asked him why he called me a cunt and he said, people say it all the time where he's from, which he said was Massachusetts. I kicked him out. This guy sounds like a good guy. Um, he says, as a side note, I spent a week in the New England area and everyone was nice, even in Boston. Um, anyway, a few days later, he came back when I wasn't working and drank until he insulted the bar owner's wife.

I guess he went up to her and said, what are you pregnant? She was not. She told him that that was rude and he called her a pregnant cunt. Oh Jesus. How many fucking bridges did this guy burn before he decided he had to go west? Well, there was a bunch of other people didn't realize what a dick he was. Anyways, he got kicked out. I guess he'd been getting into a lot of trouble at the liquor store nearest to anyways, last

night he came in. I told him he wasn't welcomed anymore. He asked why I reminded him why then he started making fun of people from Colorado in a stereotypical hippie voice. He said he thought we were all chill, bro, not so uptight man. Then he gave me the peace sign with his fingers and left or like his middle fingers. What was he doing? I don't know.

It's funny because he has a ponytail and is filthy and calls everyone in Colorado hippies. Uh, well, it's nice to know. Yeah. You could have just said a guy from Massachusetts moved to Colorado. You didn't really have to go into all of that detail. Yeah, you know, what kind of, uh, does he sound any worse than me? No, I have a horrific need to be liked. So I wouldn't do something like that.

I would if I got drunk enough, but then the next day I'd be like, all right, I need, I need to lay off that shit. You know, I don't know what the fuck to talk about at this point, people. I'm 40. I'm not even 40 minutes in. Honestly, people, if it I didn't have to go to the fucking airport, I would erase this entire thing. I would, I don't know what I would do.

I'd go sleep. For fucking six hours and I would start over again, but I don't have those options. You know, this is the, the same thing of when Geraldo opened that vault and it was live and there was just nothing, nothing in it. That's what this is. This is the Geraldo Rivera episode of the Monday morning fucking podcast. Um, I didn't know what to do at this point. You guys want to talk about some topical shit?

Do you guys see that jet blue pilot that went fucking absolutely crazy? Was it jet blue? I don't know. And then everybody had to tackle him and fucking restrain him. I don't know how I feel. I would feel about that. You know, I know the guy's going nuts, but I don't know how to fly the plane. So I just cut down the amount of people who can land this thing by 50% like the level

of nuts that he would have to be. There'd just be something. You know, there's just something about those. Let's say John Travolta was on the flight. He knows how to land one of those things. You know, I bet he's not scared to fly because he like knows what's going on. And if anything bad happened, right? Why do they have to have those secret service?

Why don't we just get like a bunch of John Travolta's to ride on there in case one of those nine 11 shit happens again, right? Aren't there a lot of movie stars and how to fly planes? Oh my God. I swear to God, like I should be choked to death by a fucking mic cord right now. I'm literally going to die. I think I just officially dried up everybody, which is really sad because I had such a wonderful weekend, wonderful weekend of riffing a new hour of shit.

Maybe that's what it is. And right now I'm tempted to start doing those jokes to somehow get up to 40. We have 40 minutes and 35 seconds. Hey, listen, guys, do you guys have favorite TV shows? Out there? Sure. We all do. Every once in a while, don't they just have bad episodes?

Like, yeah, I didn't really like that one. I think this is the one, although I bet you guys are somehow perversely enjoying this one. Um, materialists, top five items. This guy says, yo, Bill, being the materialistic bastard that I am, I've developed a top five essential items list for my capitalist lifestyle. I spare no expense on these items as I believe them to be necessary for my continued happiness. My five items are in no particular order. They are number one.

By the way, this is how it's done in America. All right. So the rest you try and keep up. If you got the money by this shit, if you don't, you live in some third world country. And I want to say thank you for making all this shit at 12 cents an hour. All right. Number one. TV, 70, 71 inch Samsung DLP.

Number two, an adjustable firmness bed. Is this American psycho sending me this shit? Number three, a cell phone, the latest iPhone. Number four, two ply toilet paper. Sharmin. Number five, classic vehicles from the sixties. A 68 Osmobile convertible, a 69 Jaguar E type, a 64 Amphibian. 64 Amphi car, amphibious.

What are your top five items and why is for just materialistic selfish shit? All right. I'd agree with you. Number one has to be a TV because that's how you connect to the world. And if I'm not connected to the world, I'm going to be doing jokes about shit nobody knows about. And then I'm not going to be able to afford my fucking materialistic lifestyle. So I'll give you that. Ah, fuck.

You know what? I don't like your list. Then you go with the bed. I need to watch TV. Then I need to sleep. I'm not going that way. I would go. I don't know.

Fucking top of the line V drums. The Gibson SG. Fucking F 100. I don't know. Oh my God, guys. Am I, I think I just retired from comedy. I have nothing. I have absolutely zero funny.

You know what? Fuck the materialistic. How about your top five survivalist? You don't. First thing first, number one, you need a gun. Okay. Because if you don't have a fucking gun, you can't get anything you need or protect the shit you have. So number one, you got to get a gun.

Number two, if you're murmuring in the background, that's Joe DeRose in the other room. I should have brought two mics. Maybe I could have shot the shit with him. My hungover fucking state. Number two is water. Number two would be water. You know, you can go fucking 40 days without food. Isn't that what Jesus did?

Isn't that why he was so shredded his whole life every 40 days? He was like, you guys are doing what I want you to do. I think I'll go starve myself. I fucking hate every one of those goddamn stories of some biblical figure who's suffering from me so I can live better. I didn't fucking ask you to do it. All right. I didn't go fucking eat something or do it for me and shut your face. You know, I can't eat like the I can't.

I've thought about dying a lot lately and I was thinking, am I going to be that guy in my death bed who then goes, uh, Hail Mary, does all those prayers. I don't think I'm going to be because I really truly find it that fucking ridiculous. You know, I don't know where you go. All right. But wherever I go, nobody's mad at me. I haven't been there yet. All right.

They're sitting in some other fucking dimension watching my life. Why would you do that? You know, wouldn't you just be fucking playing baseball in your dimension or whatever the fuck it is you do over there? Why would you give a shit what I'm doing? Oh, look at this guy embezzling. Who gives a shit? I don't know. I don't fucking know.

What am I talking about? All right. Number one, I get a gun. Number two, fresh water. Number three, you got to get food. I need some sort of shelter. Number five is a windmill. Number five is a wild card.

I think that the fifth one really lets people know what kind of a survivalist you are. You know, if you say number five, you know, I want a boat. You're definitely romantic. If you say I want a windmill, you like cookies. Oh, guys, I'm going to get a gun. You know, and my lady doesn't want me to get one. All right. Ever since I've got a house, I just feel like you're out of your fucking mind if you don't have a gun.

You know what I mean? It's just like, like right here, I'm in this apartment building right now. And it's just all like, you know, there's like five fucking floors of human beings that you have to get through before you get to me. Okay. I'm in my fucking house. It's just me. I'm in there. Where is the safety that there's other houses around me?

I guess that I don't know what it is. Just being like the only person, you know, like I'm not in charge of this fucking building. I find that very comforting. I come and I go. Nobody gives, you know, there's no problem. There's security. There's cameras. There's all that type of shit.

I got to, I got to go a little Ted Nugent here. I really want to secure around my perimeter as they say. Plus I like guns. I think they're cool. What do you guys think? You guys into guns? You're not into guns? We're going to take college at this point.

Why don't I do, just turn, make this into a live fucking podcast. Fucking be on hungover. Why do I do it? I'm going to blame Verzi. Fucking animal. We went back to his house at like 2 30 in the morning. Fucking pours me a whiskey, right? He gets out some rum, makes a giant rum and coke like he's some fucking sophomore in college.

Pledge in a sorority. Kind of a man drinks rum and coax. I'll tell you who Paul Verzi. Paul Verzi drinks him. He drinks him in a big beer glass too to show how fucking uncultured he is. So I'm sitting there. I'm drinking his fucking scotch, right? Whatever the fuck he gave me.

And he's trying to tell me I should finish the bottle. And I'm like, I can't, I can't. I got fucking radio in the morning. He's like, dude, there's no fucking way you're making it to the radio. Because I had to be up at like 7 30. It was already 2 30 in the morning. But I'll tell you, I was up at 7 30. And he proceeded to fucking go on this rant about Irish people.

Like how he is an Italian, you know, fucking what that is. He's a Greek and what's that little island there, Sicilian? How there's, you know, you fucking Irish guys. You drink till 4 in the morning and you got to be up at 7. You just fucking up at 7. You guys can take a punch. That's what he said. You know, I don't know.

I don't believe that. I think there's plenty of fucking half Greek half Sicilians that can fucking drink till 4 in the morning, get up. Do you know what the problem with Verzi is? He doesn't want it. The guy doesn't want it. He doesn't have the fucking heart. When you fucking drink, you know, set the worst feeling ever.

Those last three drinks, we just know how fucking stupid you're being. You start laughing with your friends. You got like that group self-sabotage going on. Hey, this is really fucking stupid, isn't it? Anyways, let's get the underrated, overrated, as I try to turn on this fucking iPad for the 15th time. I got to be honest with you. Overrated, Steve Jobs.

I just don't see what the fuck that guy did. That was so goddamn important. Did I read everything here? I'm afraid to break up with this girlfriend. Oh, hey, here's for the emails every week, and I swear to God, everybody, next week's going to be a funny podcast, not this one. You know what this podcast feels like?

It feels like there was some sort of unbelievable tragedy, and I still had to come on the air. And I was expecting some sort of, you know, major guest, and they just didn't show up. We're still looking at the wreckage of my fucking podcast. Bill, what have we got here? Oh, if you want to email me, which I don't know why you would have to this podcast.

The email is bill at themmpodcast.com. We also have a donation button on the podcast if you want to donate. How about some advertising? I get these fucking things out of there. Can I at least do something right? Where are we? All right, here we go. Here we go.

You can do it. You can do it. All right, GameFly.com, everybody. All right, this is the best way to rent video games. And this one has been doing, it's been fucking aces on the podcast. Everybody responding to GameFly.com. It's the best way to rent video games.

If you are new to my podcast and you are a gamer, all right, wouldn't it be great to have 8,000 video games at your fingertips? Wouldn't it be great to be delivered right to your front door or to your goddamn PC? Wouldn't that be phenomenal? No late fees. You can cancel anytime.

Going through the Monday morning podcast, listeners get a 15-day free trial. 15 days. That's two weeks in a day for those keeping score at home. You get 8,000 games. Take two weeks of vacation. Why don't you do that? Quit your job.

Be a man. Have the balls to live dangerously. Just walk in and say, you know what? Fuck this job and fuck you. What are you going to do with your life, man? I'm going to go play video games for 15 days and then I'm going to figure it out. You know what you're going to be doing after 15 days?

Still sitting at that desk hating your fucking life. By the way, your wife always has bad breath. Go fuck yourself. Monday morning podcast, listeners get a 15-day free trial. Go to www.gamefly.com. B-U-R-R to activate this special offer. All right, I think that's it for the advertising. Man, skate fenders.

Well, they dropped the advertising on this podcast because they were so offended by the unbelievable lack of funny on this podcast. I can't even fucking talk this week. No, not enough people bought the skate fenders and I'm going to tell you something you fucking missed out. Oh, I didn't talk about hockey last week. I told you guys that I've been starting to put some shit together here. After a year and a half of playing, I don't know what's going on.

Boy, he's starting to trust his edges out there. Okay, last week, I actually had a goal for the first time. And I can't, since maybe January, I had a goal. Coming down the left wing puck came right across the crease. I had like almost no angle whatsoever. I saw the open space and I flipped it and somehow the fucking puck went right up and over the goalie's shoulder into the net.

Exactly what I wanted to have happened, happened. And you know, it's pickup hockey, so nobody really celebrates goals because there's like 20 scored on each side. But I was just such an excited little girl. I put my fucking arms up like, you know, in Messier, guaranteed the victory against the devils, you know, which is glide behind the net with his arms straight up. I was waiting for the roar of the crowd.

Everyone else just sort of skated back, you know, and started going the other directions as I sat there with, you know, it's the same thing Joe Montana used to do when there was a touchdown. There's no bending at the elbows. You just bring them straight up like Charlie Brown when he yells. That's what I did. And so psyched, I got one early. This is not, well, this is how much I've gotten into hockey.

I've actually gone on YouTube and I've been watching this guy and he has, he almost does like the John Madden thing because my biggest problem, aside from sucking at stick handling, skating in all aspects of the game is just the overall question of where the fuck am I supposed to be out there? And I just watched this guy's, this guy's videos. I watched like 45 minutes of videos just absorbing a little bit from each video about how to do a breakout, where to be on a power play,

even though there's no power plays, whatever, just basic fundamental shit as a defensive as a forward cycling it around drills, just shit like that. And I actually got a compliment last week. Said, you know what? You're a decent positional player. You still suck when we send you the puck. I just fucking, I can't stick handle for my life. But I kind of know where to be now, which means more people pass to me and then I fuck up even more.

Dude, you want to talk about panicking with the puck? I was joking with OPI today on the ONA program about that. If you actually had a heart monitor hooked up to my, whatever, my wrist with a pulses act, is that what it is? I don't fucking know. My elbow, like how, I bet it goes up like 30 beats a fucking minute the second I get the puck and people always try to help me out knowing around you plenty of time, Bill.

You got plenty of time. And I immediately like just blindly pass it and I just feel everyone on my team just got this fucking guy. Why does he keep showing up? But anyway, so I got to go. And it was a fucking shop shoot if I do say so myself. So now I'm excited. I got a little spring in my step.

We play for an hour and a half, about an hour later. I somehow want to break out. I get the fucking puck. I went around two defensemen, swear to God. I don't know how I did it. I was looking down at the ice. That's how I stick handle. Faked out one, faked out the other, got the goalie leaning all the way to the right.

I got half the net wide open. I'm like, holy fuck, two goals in one game of pickup in 90 minutes for a player of my caliber would have been like it would have been the equivalent of when Gretzky scored 50 goals in 39 games. It was fucking wide open and I flipped it. It was going right to the net and the goalie at the last second stuck his hand out and just fucking snatched it out of the air. Everybody in the ice. Oh, and then that was it.

I was still one goal, Billy. That's fucking horrible. I got to tell you something that bugged me for three goddamn days. It was literally, do you ever watch when you watch a fucking hockey game? They have those little eight year olds, you know, they stick hand on the ice skates. That's what I look like. They're actually better than me. I would say like a six year old.

I don't know if I'm Pee Wee level or squirts. I never paid organized, but I don't know. I'm really enjoying that. I play and I'm playing the game. And I got to tell you, I've been wearing those skate fenders things and people first will make it fun of me. And now that kind of going like, you know, I've seen guys, you know, I've seen players wearing them in the NHL. Did the fucking shit. I got hit in the foot during the game.

I finally took one off the foot. I don't know where I took it. I don't know how hard it was. It had no effect. It felt lighter than if I got hit in like the shit. I felt it more in the shit pit. Oh, here's nothing that happened to me. This is how fucking slow I am.

I was trying to get back on defense. Like I can skate backwards, but not nearly fast enough. So what always happens is, is I skate backwards for about three feet before I have to immediately turn around. And, and I immediately, I am so slow. I look like I'm part of the offensive break rather than the person trying to stop it on defense. So I went into the offensive, their offensive zone, my, my, what I'm supposed to be defending. And this is when you know, you're slow when you take a slap shot in the ass. That's how slow I was on defense.

I, I got anything literally hit in the ass. It was just below the ass. You know, the referees, you know, it was like, you know, you got to see if you got a first down or not. It was not quite a fucking first down. It just missed my ass. And there is no padding there whatsoever. Thank God it was just a wrist. But I'm not going to lie to you, it fucking hurt like hell, but there was no way I was going to show it.

The dude fucking hit me and just goes, all right, the ass. And everyone laughed and I had to pretend like it didn't fucking happen. Ah, so close to the glory of fucking two goals. And then I get, I, I missed the second one and then I get fucking hit in the ass with the puck. And I just go right back to being the douchebag, you know. So anyways, so this is the deal. So I'm loving the fucking games, the greatest goddamn game. Don't think you're too old to take it up.

I took it up at fucking 42. I'm having the time of my life and I'm joining a fucking league. Oh my God. Who just walked into the room out of the bedroom? The sensation. The teen idol sensation wearing a fucking leather coat to match. Joe de Rosa. Joe, how the fuck I ever see.

I know you can't just have a seat. Say hello. Joe, you haven't been on the podcast forever. How are you? Remember, remember we used to do radio show. I remember, Bill. Joe, those were the days we used to sing songs. We used to talk about things.

Let me tell you. Are you having fun out here? No, I'm not. It's horrible. It's hot as fuck. I've just been, I've been brutally unfunny. I'm hung over this whole podcast. I've been just apologizing, shitting all over how unfunny.

What's that till like, I just told the story about playing hockey. I think that that was mildly. Singing that made me laugh. Was I singing out here? Oh, you know what I was singing about? I was singing some guy. He was trying to figure out how to break up with his girl and not hurt her feelings. She's some girl.

She's like depressed all the time. He has to keep her going. I mean, it's a no brainer. He's 23 years old, right? Yeah, Jesus, Joe. 23 years old, Joe. Everybody's a sensation at that age. Everybody.

All right. But it is not that young man's responsibility to take on her problem. She's got to work those things out. And when she loves herself, then she can love you. Joe fucking DeRosa. I mean, that's, I was trying to get to that point for fucking 10 minutes. That's it. Joe.

You've had one girlfriend. I've known you for eight years. Joe is the master of just not even getting into relationships. You're the master of like what, the three week relationship? I usually go a couple of months. Yeah, something like that. I don't get too serious, but I think I'm ready now. I think I'm moving into that.

Joe, I don't care about that. This isn't about you. This isn't about you. It's about this guy. So two months in, that's got to be a small box of shit that you have to pack up when they come over to get their stuff. Am I wrong? I mean, I don't even think you have a phone call two months in.

You can do it over the phone at two months. I've done that. I've done that too. Oh, you do the fade away. Yeah. Yeah. You just disappear like Kevin Spacey walking down the street at the usual suspect. Just straight the old leg out and off he goes.

Off he goes. Where are you off to, Joe? I got a meeting at Atlantic Records there, Bill. Oh, the sensation. I'm going over there. Joe, don't get, now don't walk in there and get all starstruck with all those albums on the wall. Okay.

Nobody buys those anymore. You're walking into a dinosaur, Joe. They need you. That's right. Okay. Let me hear you say it. I'll say you need me. You need me, Mr. Atlantic.

Mr. and Mrs. Atlantic Records. I'll say you think I'm impressed. I got Bill Burr sitting on my couch. You rock suckers. Yeah. That's how you start it. Exactly. There's a Chevy chase on him.

I'll see you when I get home, Bill. All right, Joseph. Hey, Joe, maybe we'll have a couple of pops before we go to the airport. Little hair of the dog there. Oh, Christ. This is, you know, I really wanted to be healthy on this road trip, but this is one of these ones where you just say, you know, where you just have fucked up so bad, you just end it like buzzed, eating a pint of ice cream.

Going, you know what? Maybe the next one. I'd like to think that I maybe pulled this one out in the end. You know, talking about my love of hockey. How great is Joe de Rosa? Huh? You telling me that that guy just is an array of sunshine? You know, that's why he's called the sensation Joey roses.

He makes it fucking blue. Um, is there anything else to talk about? Do I really need to go beyond a fucking hour on this? I don't think I do people. I apologize for the fucking hung over one, but you know something you went all of 2011 without one. I'm trying to think the last time I was hung over on a podcast. I think it's been a long time and it's been a while since you fucking whatever that guy

stayed. I used to sing about his dad. Remember that? Um, anyways, that's the podcast for this week. You guys, I know it was late and I know it wasn't worth the wait. So you don't need, you don't even need to tell me. I know. All right.

Don't be one of those douchebags. You know, like when you fucking get arrested for drinking and driving and then your friend shows up and tells you how fucking stupid you are. Like you didn't realize that when you spent the night in jail with no sneakers on because I thought you were going to hang yourself by your shoelaces. Like if you couldn't figure out that point, do you think I really need you to tell me that you douche? Okay.

All right. I don't know what that means. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you next week and, um, yeah, that's it. I'll talk to you next week. Every time you do that thing, you do.

I don't ask for life, but I know one thing's for sure. It's the love I have in God, girl, and I just can't take it anymore. It's the love I have in God, girl, and I just can't take it anymore. It's the love I have in God, girl, and I just can't take it anymore. It hurts me so just to see you go around with someone new. And if I know you, you're doing that thing. Every day just doing that thing. I can't take you doing that thing to do.

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